Tuesdays with Stories! - #331 Felt Swoop

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

Holy hell, it's our first ep of the new decade as the guys play some blackjack, Joe sits next to a distraught woman on a flight, and Mark travels to the far off land of New Jersey to do stand up in a brewery. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy down man here we are I don't know what day it is and what day this comes out of what sexual orientation I am but we're here I believe this is coming out January 6

there's a way to know I can't be right in the fuck me January wow no January we're in the new year seven wait we don't even need to be recording one well we'll have it in the day I just realized we fucked up really yeah well we'll be back on time oh no no cuz I go out again with Louis oh we could have done it on January 2nd are you home that day no I'm not that's why we're doing it okay I'm in San Francisco because I am back for a day on

the second well even I leave yeah plus a day I think if you're hearing this folks it's January 7th yeah I think well they won't care anyway cuz it'll be that date yeah but sometimes they get really used to get mad when we did two episodes I'll be mad at a the two episodes and be that it was pre-record people get upset with the pre-record people wanted fresh they wanted to be fresh cuz we're gonna be talking about you know Baltimore and now Baltimore is burned down since then CVS what the tables might be a problem cuz I can't I got no your feet on mobility get on last night I slept in it I got a sneaker I'm gonna put a sneaker and

you put your boots on the table it's a fresh tape but I'll probably return it anyway you take your boots off you put your feet on the table from those tables I gotta return it you gotta break it down put it back in the box that box a fucking piece of cardboard origami with like eight plastic squishy things and the cushion in the foam it's gonna be brutal here's the thing with the return I'd rather leave it on the sidewalk throw it out set fire to it stick it in my mother's ass I'll do anything except return something I'd rather just eat the money returning as hell and then you got to go to you got to go to FedEx you

got to get the label hate a label oh get out of here with a label yeah label I'm by I'm gay I'm trans him her z enough with the labels I don't like labels no need for a label what are you an observational comic are you fucking food comic or food comic are you Jew are you a muzz are you gay are you black who cares we're label this yes libel this is that a word libel because it's libel and libel this oh yeah that is ladle ladle is different that's for a juice soup juice spin yeah juice soup juice it's like an Asian dish juice soup juice soup go to doba and get a juice soup yes hot and sour I'll tell you last night I you

know we you know how we are I come home long day of travel just exhausted and had to confront a family member and the whole thing threw on a curb oh and just eased into a metaphorical hot bath there you go you know what I mean you throw on those old Seinfelds and curbs and here's the thing I watch Seinfeld a lot more because I started watching it as a kid it's a little more repeatable it's more sure it's better and it's on TV also oh I might have to fart in the mic wow that was a winner that was a peach that was a good one man that's a base and treble that was a real the rhythm is the base and the base is the trouble

glorious deaf on chord strings we brings melody anyways that's the whole thing but so I put on a curb and I don't rewatch the curbs as much so they're kind of fresh yes yes especially the latency because the early seasons I was still a ute and I had them on DVD and I would rewatch the first three seasons I watched a lot of mm-hmm but these recent seasons also they're not as great but they have moments they have moments and Larry says the n-word right in there is that what he goes you got a bald lawyer I can call you bald right because I'm bald kind of like a black people say nigga and then Cheryl's like this is getting appropriate

and you're like boy Larry David going for it on the HBO he's my number one I love when he did SNL and he made that Holocaust joke and he got almost try to get canceled he was mad at me he's like wait what he didn't even get it which I loved even more than being like oh fuck you blow me was like what are you talking about yeah comedian oh I love that bald faggot he's the best just the best but yeah it was a fun app and a few good laughs in there I can't remember the other blacks in there Leon yeah Leon's in there it was late this is second to last season the season after the reunion he's getting divorced everyone's getting

divorced and it's pretty great let me let me run this theory by yeah there because I feel like we got to get off on this he so I talked to Barghetti Nate yeah and he said hey you should move to LA yeah and I said I don't want to move to LA and he goes that's why you should move there and I said I hate people that talk like that hold on okay ready and he goes you got to move to LA because they say when you get comfortable that's when you should change things up yeah what do you think about that I agree to some degree first of all I think Nate read a fucking quote on a you know on a balloon and was like I'm gonna start saying this it's a

big balloon and this is why I don't want to get too personal here but but Nate doesn't live in LA he did he lived there but I hear most of his success did not come from there he lived there for like six months even when he lived there he lived 30 miles from LA right and but I was just in LA I always think about living in LA it's nice but the road think about how much work the road is here the road is a nightmare if you live in LA is that right yes first of all LA X only one airport here you have three Burbank yeah but Burbank where they gonna fly to Vegas a couple places maybe Phoenix yeah maybe and LA X is a nightmare the

traffic is insane in that airport here you got Newark LaGuardia JFK boom boom boom and most gigs are on the eastern time zone or central which is east or you know an hour behind right here in LA you're behind the April you gotta fly out the night before or 5 a.m. if you're going to Cleveland Cincinnati Louisville Jacksonville Atlanta anywhere yeah any of the big markets in the central and east which is most markets you got to leave at fucking 8 a.m. because you're three hours behind if you leave at 8 a.m. you're leaving at 11 a.m. that's a four and a half hour flight yeah you're at 5 p.m. you gotta fly out Wednesday boy

you've really considered this of course I mean does the lifestyle bet you got auditions there yeah like what are we gonna be we're gonna be on friends no what am I Joey Tribbiani you can't act I can't act it's what I'm acting let's wait what are we talking here I'm a class act and what what needs to be an L like who can't you meet you can fly there sure it's easy as pie we go there every couple months time there I'm not moving I'm just saying but but here's my here's my my clinker hit sticker clinker in my asshole see if I come all right usually you don't but I'm trying this time I got Lou but I've been a

tickler so I think he said you gotta keep it interesting basically gotta mix it up you gotta be uncomfortable that I like I like keep it fresh I like I thought about that maybe I'll move to Brooklyn right but here's my thing I always do these weirdo gigs in Jersey I was just at a flight school I'm up my guy's asshole in DC I'm out and back upstate I'm all over I'm in Staten Island I'm wherever Philly I just a guy's basement in Philly would shut down hopefully not my fault that's my mixing it up because I talked to Ian Lars like what are you doing these gigs for they're always hell they're weird and I'm like well first

well I get Potter out of it we got all kinds of stories and bullshit Josh Potter secondly you have no idea what you're going into I'll take I'm taking a ride with some guy who likes to do threesomes and you know he's got an app for it and then I'm in the middle of hell the gig could be horrible it could be great either way you're getting paid and you're meeting people and you're shaking it up you're going gay something happens also I think some growth for us would be not to hear someone say something and be like maybe he's right hmm growth would be that's interesting glad that works for you I'm gonna do

whatever I want but where that kind of guy or someone says well you what you really need to do is this and you go shit should I be doing that what if I was doing that why aren't I doing that maybe he's right maybe that guy's right maybe I'm wrong right we could go yeah I don't know it's good for you great for you that's true you know you hear any advice you go maybe that's that's something because I always assume I'm dumb and wrong immediately this is what I'm trying to work on because now whenever I go to LA we're gonna go anywhere but particularly LA I start to think maybe I could live here maybe I should live here

I love the I love the mountains I love the ocean and we've talked about it before I often contemplate I'm like maybe I'm living in the wrong place I'm so sure just in the fucking Trent today's one of those days the subway is all fucked you're waiting for the train New York takes it out of you oh it's a rape it's a raping I mean I'm waiting on the elevated train I'm all bundled it's fucking seven degrees the train's not coming yep yep the winner it's a cool bitch and LA's is the mouth I love LA I love driving through Laurel Canyon Drive from from like Hollywood into the the valley it's just spectacular it's a

great great city but I realized this on this trip just a day ago I got back yesterday is I have to stop doing this every time I go there I'm like I could live here I would live in the valley right get a car but it's no good because I'm not doing that and it makes me think should I live here should I not should I mix it up similarly I'm like I'm getting comfortable in New York I should throw a wrench and things and chasing I feel the same way but would be better is if I accepted I have a life in New York I have a fucking apartment a home and then just go I'm in LA right now I love being in LA I'm giving myself the stress of

what if I moved here I should move here right we like to stress and what makes me feel it may feel grateful because I was sitting there thinking about a lamb like I would live there I could go there every night I'm kind of in at the improv I got Henry over here Johnny get over there you know but we may be grateful because I'm like I don't leave my therapist I got my therapy I love my therapist that would be devastating then I'm like the cellar I'm not gonna do cellar I love the cell I love being at the cellar I think the podcast I love coming here doing the podcast I'm gonna give up on the podcast big lunch then I

think I love my dentist and then you start to put together I love I'm like I got a great life that I created I love my apartment I have the best apartment I wouldn't trade apartments with anyone I know great Louis but that's not an apartment it's a home sure and two daughters though yeah I wouldn't want you don't take the daughters you just get the home I'll take the dog yeah the dog and the dog can die daughters can whatever but anyways you start to realize wow I have a pretty great life I love a story I love my apartment I love my fucking dias went through the dentist the therapist the bulk out the cellar

you meet Kramer the butler and so we got pretty good and you can always go to LA you can always go LA's like that hot skank you fuck a bunch and you go man maybe I really like this gal maybe I'll take her take her arm and marriage or whatever the hell and then you'll you hang out with her for 17 hours you go oh I just like fucking her yeah I don't want to live here this is the Ritz huh this is a cracker remember that every bit is a regular cracker that you had a Ritz I thought you were doing regarding Henry no the roots but yeah I have this thing now to where I have I got family in Seattle so every time I get close to

LA I go to LA but I'm like well shouldn't I pop to Seattle what's more important the business or the family and then you gotta go now I gotta go to both then before you know what I'm like I gotta get a place in fucking Utah so I can shoot to one to the other right it's all a lot of stress and this I think is stressful with comedy we've talked about this before is the business is all the the jobs are always out in front you always have to be looking at your calendar always we're regular people or reg I shouldn't say regular people that makes it sound like we're fucking major heroes but the majority people have a

job you get a job and that comes with its own depressing oh well yeah the girlfriend's miserable but you get a job and you go all right I work here I go to work here and I have a vacation day there and there but our thing is like you're always looking to count all right March I gotta start booking March I don't book March I'm not gonna pay April rent right so look at April then you start thinking okay we're gonna go back there 14 months from now so then you're talking about 14 months from now so you're always living in the future yes you send your avails for next week your avails for next month then you're like

you got to book your flight for two weeks from now they got a book of like the three weeks from now so your mind is always out in the future then you're like I'm taping my special I gotta have new spot right by then right because I cover I gotta come around back to this market in 12 months so there's a lot of looking into the future when the real life is in the present but it's hard you get taken out of the present true the presence tell me was it living the now I'm like was this the now or is that the now is the now gone to the way what's now now sucks now it's it's fleeting yes it's fleeting but we're looking in the

future but better than looking in the past over and over well here's what I know that guy I came up with this analogy on my own when I was a teen I think it's pretty brilliant all right I'm I'm ready analogy or metaphor I was like the wind ship I'm gonna send this in the pockets years ago the windshield of the car is a great metaphor because you have these three devices for looking in the pack in the back there's three rear view mirrors but if you stare at the rear view mirror you're gonna crash all right in front of you gotta be looking at the front but you gotta have options to look Tom Petty in a great lyric you can

look back but it's best not to stare but the windshield thing I think is something because it's grand you get it's odd and it's beautiful if you're looking but occasionally you gotta glance up and go oh shit there's a fucking Milky Way behind me right that didn't make sense what about a bicycle milk truck you're all windshield I mean you you're the windshield there's no mirror even some people have those mirrors nerds the city losers put no little mirror on my helmet you're fucking you know what get a job dickless yeah but yeah yeah but you know what I'm saying I don't know yeah the bike is

something but the windshield is so sprawling yeah it makes for a good metaphor I like it the bird shit on it like there you go that's a that's that I can add to the metaphor you got a bug it's a bad day yeah yeah the rain the rain's jizzing on you every once in a while someone comes on a windshield I'm sure somewhere sure or a hobo does it with the squeegee and you got to give him a half a nickel Giuliani get rid of them broken window first class guy but any jizz I was out there in LA and cuz I we went and did New Mexico you got that right which was a what a time great

weekend great club great staff great food great hang great hang I mean that was like we talked about it then maybe the best weekend of my entire comedy career I'm saying it pound for pound I'm saying out of the Louis specials up there yeah yeah well I'm stop talking headlining weekend but the Louis stuff is amazing but even that comes with a little bit of stress and you don't get to really stretch your legs not our fans that's true hear me oh that was weird that should be a jiff right there I think it's just but everyone says gift I think it's a peanut butter choosy moms that's right I believe you see

slut choosy means you know they choose they're like a picky oh picky but I think they made it up did they choosy moms choose jiff maybe not it's got a good ring I don't know Nova choosy all right New Jersey boy but anyways pound for pound source about New Mexico the flight suck but there was no media it was Friday Saturday only no media didn't have to wake up they paid us hand they paid us quite frankly about double what I get most places sure we're co-headlines we're only doing what 35 minutes yep so you can still stretch and have some fun but not have to fucking do all the time here here and we did a live podcast

which is fun we had Tuesdays that we had all fans there a ton of fans and not a lot light room I mean we had people there and it was never like oh this one's gonna be tough there's eight people out there now there are people and the hotel was killer yep and great company great hang in and out gambled quite a bit we had a lot of fun game I lost a good amount of money on the Colby Covington fight yeah I lost some money too well my I put 25 I just picked a guy I was like he was the biggest underdog Mike Perry and he sounded like a nice you know ham and ham and tomatoes what is it not ham and egg meat and potatoes ham

and eggers bet he what turned out to be a ham and egg or what's a ham and egg or egg or rigged ham and egg or that's Dr. Seuss yeah well it's I learned from Rocky and I think Bobby Heenan used to say that WWF ham and egg or sounds good yeah I think that's like a you can't afford much you're kind of shitty ham and eggs because you stink oh weird I thought having eggs was top-notch you know you don't eat you know kicks what's your favorite cereal oh that's a tough one I hate to be this guy but as you get older you know you start out with a cinnamon toast which is like heroin and then you gotta keep you gotta wean off

of that because it's too much sugar so I like a good clean honey nut wow cheerio I'm a I always love frosted flakes and fruit loops those are my two favorites I like frost place but it just turns into a big miscarriage after four minutes you can't get a hold of that thing well I like the mush I like the crunch and the mush okay I like both I like half crunch and half mush in fact I think I might have some frosted flakes soon oh I love I love cereal and it's bad for it it's all sugar and wheat or whatever the hell those is bad milk is good milk is bad milk is bad I don't know almond milk good nut milk is good oat oat milk is good

goat milk goat is the greatest of all time is goat the goat no I think it's bad I think goat might be okay but cow is bad I know and but who knows they'll change before the end of this podcast the cow took a real turn when I was a kid the cow was you know it milk and steak and beef and leather and now it's like oh it's evil no but the cow the steak got good the milk got bad but the steak got good out of milk wet sour yeah but the beef got better people like beef is fine don't worry about your cholesterol don't worry about fat beef is in beef is in milk is out what is wagyu wagyu wagyu beef I think it's ragu

it's a sauce Italian thing I'm talking about wagyu beef I think it's Asian I know Kobe he's a decent dribbler yeah I'm talking about wagyu it's all it's I think it's Korean hmm I don't know anything about Korea I know there's two of them yeah it's good ones bad and then there's Kim Jong-un and Kim Jong-il yeah yeah a lot of bad haircuts and real mean people he's a fat little nugget isn't he yeah he's a piece of shit he looks like a like a lesbian Alexa what is wagyu beef but it's Japanese beef any kind of three Japanese beefs okay so wagyu I guess

hey shut up or give it a rest she's like that girl you talked to in the audience like where are you from so well actually I was born in Nairobi and then I grew up in Minnesota you like yeah yeah where do you fucking go ahead any who what any wagyu we talking about you know what we're talking about here beef the cow is bad oh cereal oh the cereal but that started when we started talking about New Mexico how great that was I'm a frosted flake guy and a fruit loop and I like the milk after fruit loops is really something that pink milk yeah a little placenta yeah get it right in there mm-hmm about an apple

jack I liked apple jacks when I was a youth I haven't had one in a long time it's no it's no fruit loop no it's a fruit loop but it's not fruit loops yeah you know it's underrated I think are smacks no I never had smacks oh there's a little little honeypot little gash hatchet wound they look like cunts oh okay well I like cunts a lot well then you'll like this alright I'll try it that should be the ad by the way if you like cunt you're gonna love what is it called again smacks smacks which maybe is weird with the drug thing yeah smack yeah crack smack crank yeah crank crank is a good one crank trucker crank hmm I never

had that either that's what they that's a different kind of cereal that's what they're doing out on the road and then fucking dirty prostitutes well any who New Mexico was really something very fun great time that roulette wheel we had it popping off for a minute there I mean we really had some fun I mean I had like what I hit like 12 hands it was a lot I just kept hitting yeah you were rolling and I gave it all back and then oh how about this so you left for this so we went we went to cash our chips and this is where it gets dated because you have some chips left I had 50 bucks in chips or like 62 bucks but to 25 dollar chips

the greens ah yes a a which I thought this was funny by the way every time someone would hit big on roulette they say I'll take give me one black that's like the hundred dollar chip right I thought it was funny I traded him 40 dollars the chips I go and then I give me one black okay and the guy was like what and I was like that's a bit that's a joke keep your towel on a lot of jokes oh hey hey that's well I had I think I summed it up pretty good because we're there gambling for fun we have money yes and we're gambling as a goof right we're like why just lost more money yeah they have no money right a goof

gamble they're gambling trying to make money they try to earn money child support yeah they're losing money they don't have right we're losing money that we got a little extra money yeah I'm not saying we're rich no but we're working there that weekend we're getting paid so even if we lost a couple grand leaving with money yes you know exactly so we're being silly and they were kind of miserable and losing we're going oh fuck you whatever and it's kind of like psychological that's probably why we're winning oh it's like red finally gets accepted his parole or whatever right cuz he's like stamp your

papers sonny boy we were telling the dealer to stamp his papers great analogy thank you doesn't quite add up but because he didn't care anymore you know it's like a same with comedy go up there you go I blow me or like the like a beautiful woman you ever talking over like I got no shot with her and it's going better than if you were trying to hit on her I'm so much better with women now I see women I go that's great that's really interesting cuz I'm actually interested now yeah back then you're just trying to get laid so she's talking you're going oh just shut up and fuck me say the right thing say the

right thing but now if I'm talking to a woman I'm like that's really interesting I never thought of that before cuz I'm not thinking about fucking her but what do you think you'd have a better shot of being laid now yeah but if they didn't change if someone was like my wife was like take your ring I want to just give you a nice change every go out for three months and get laid yeah I'm trying tonight your pressure yeah if I could have this should be a pill they should sell us a pill a pill that makes you think you're talking to a lesbian or make you feel like you're married or can you give you the confidence of it

because I'm talking to a lesbian when I was single or if she was married when I was single by the way yeah I would be single talking to a married woman I'd be like oh that's really great and I'd be cracking jokes and real fun I like it all the pressure is not there yeah the dyke pill yeah but when I was single talking to a single forget about it I was like I look like Jay Fox on a winter's day little Muhammad I was just shaking like a leaf and going oh my dad it's funny and when I like a gal or you know when I'm hitting on a lady I feel like I'm bombing the whole time even if it's not going badly I just feel like they

hate me they hate me abort get out pull out this is bad those come later the abortion in the pull out but uh but yeah but it could be going fine and I'm just freaking out so bad that I just go I gotta get out of here I'm sorry I took your time madam yeah I think we might have talked about this before where everything I look back so often on relationships with women that I wasn't dating I just was dying I was like oh I totally could have had sex oh yeah like so many like I looked at old photos and there's like a girl sitting on my lap and kissed me on the cheek and I'm like what was I do how did I not that's like so

insane but I was like she hates me no one likes me yeah same I told you there was a start the night I shit in the shoe I was at the bar talking to this girl and Canada was bartender and I guess I just kept being like I was in a blackout but I kept being like you hate me you hate me and then she went to the bathroom he was like what are you doing she likes you that's why she's sitting here she's sitting with you talking to you yeah and then she came back and I was like you love me so I just went from one extreme to the other same same feeling but I just switched the verb right right did you buy it well I shit in her shoe so

well you got back to the place yeah I got in there like again I'm like I could have done it slamming these games if I hadn't been shitting in there you know footwear I think you might have a shoe thing what do you mean well you have a whole bit about how you like women's heels and you want to lick a shoe you want to put a high heel up your ass yes yes isn't a shoe but what makes you think I have a shoe thing and then but you shit in a shoe too so that's kind of now we're combining bodily fluids and then you were in a blackout so I feel like it was kind of like your your lizard brain was going you know right but why didn't

I pull out a stiletto I pulled out a fucking Nike high top I'm sure you couldn't find a stiletto no stiletto it was like a girl at a bar like I don't care if she's a big fat pig you're like she's there I just need a shoe yes but I didn't fuck the shoe I'm with you on the shoe thing I love a good shoe a good arch a nice toe to come in or put in your ass whatever you pleasure sure but I think the shitting thing was that's a separate situation I'm not even saying it's sexual I just think it's a shoe thing oh in general in a general shoe ah general shoe another Asian guy that's right great taken over for Kim Jong

general general so's chicken general shoe general sue yeah general poo is what I did in the shoe poo poo platter dr. Seuss shoes anti-semite oh yeah oh hey did the he wow he's in the business well that was back when the business was a less he be although they've had the business for quite some time I'll whoa Disney was not a fan as well yeah circumcised gents that's true also right I think raw doll I've heard who wrote chocolate factory Willie welcome he's in it oh the writer there's rom-dos that's a that's like a DMT weirdo yeah there's Raphael wait Raul Raul Raul Salvador Dolly I know you're talking

about the guy with the mustache I think it's no that's Dolly that's Dolly I think it's worth it's Raul doll yeah I think that makes sense yeah it was an anti-semite as well no kidding what a lot of them no Jews allowed in that chocolate fact by the way that devil next door I finally watched the end of it it's amazing oh yeah amazing well done picture they got going on there hey folks gotta tell you about a new sponsor native deodorant we love these guys are you looking for a natural deodorant you don't want to be rubbing a bunch of chemicals up there in that arm taint so get some get some natural feel better smell better all right native

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place you have to live but I went to so I went from New Mexico to LA now you had the 4 a.m. flight or something 4 a.m. pick up 6 30 flight I forgot this part so I started telling the story we got all distracted so I had the $25 chips then we're going to return them I was like wait a minute why am I catching these in their chips let's go play them so we go back to the roulette wheel but the roulette wheel was packed yes and a couple audience members now you don't want to be talking to people that just saw you bomb now that's the worst not that I bomb but I just didn't love the last show to the hero there so I was like let's go to the

high stakes blackjack now in New Mexico high stakes blackjack is twenty five bucks a hand pretty good in Vegas and for my son that's the minimum exactly but there it's the highest high limits I go to the tables open I sit down like I'll play two hands of blackjack now they got funky blackjack there fun remember they don't deal your hand up they do your hand face down that's right and then you're looking at it and then you do hand signals to get a hit or not and then they just have to believe what you have yeah what am I a pitcher I don't know all the moves it's odd Helen Keller over here and they kind of acted like I was crazy

that they did a little they were like you got to do this if you want a hand I'm like I've never seen this in my life why my cards why am I touching cards at all right anyway then some drunk fucking half retired came over that guy yeah that's my agent he came over and then he just styled up next to you and started commenting on my hand yeah and he's like if you want to split to split twos what he'd listen to them for why would you ask them well why would I talk to you I know I'm like why I hate people that just join you well and also there's no getting rid of him because he kept talking you're trying to be polite so

he's he's abusing your politeness and he walked away with us like now with them and then under my breath I was like how do we get this fucking guy and I think you might have heard that because cut to eight hours later you and Sarah have gone off riding fences yeah I'm just waking up and I come down to go cash in my remaining chips mm-hmm and then once again I'm like maybe I'll throw them on the roulette wheel but the roulette wheel was closed fortunately hadn't opened yet yeah eight o'clock in the morning or whatever and that guy walked by me now that was midnight when we were there oh yeah so it's been eight hours he's in

the same I don't think he went to bed no and he walked by and I hear him say kill yourself oh that was the guy that was the guy so I don't know if he said if he was talking to himself or if he was talking to me because we made eye contact holy hell so I think he might have heard what I said under my breath he might have heard you there fatty or maybe he just hated me or something but I heard a distinct kill yourself wow now he might have been like Ted you've been here for eight hours kill yourself sure that guy was going all night long oh yeah he was just wandering around it's a sad state of affairs was the blue blotto

shithouse he didn't seem like he was stumbling or anything huh he was just kind of wandering around probably lost all his money didn't want to go home he had a bit of a screw loose like he was a little bit of oddball kook yeah I didn't see his screws but I assume they were loose they were loose but he was the driver I got the ride to the airport I go to the airport and I had my favorite thing happen and I'm sure we've talked about this situation before when you you see your seat you know your seat number 10a or whatever it is and you can you start to see it in the distance yeah and you start doing the math because you

can't see the numbers but you're counting chairs you're like someone's in my seat right now I get excited for it why because it's fun to kick someone out when you're in the right it feels good oh I don't have that you go I go excuse me sir but and it's nice to assert myself I feel good sure and I go I believe you're in my seat now there's three seats and the one next to him the middle seats open so he just stands up to let me in and I sit down the city sitting in his newspapers tucked in and his bags underneath the chair in front of him I just sit down and I realized I can feel his presence and I like look up and he's standing

like over me and I was looking back at him like what and he's like what are you doing huh and I was like no this is my seat right and he's like no no I'm the aisle oh I was like okay well you maybe you're that I don't know and it cuz someone was sitting in that seat so someone's in his seat did you go hey fatty look at this well yeah I pulled up my phone I was like 10 10 a and he's like oh and I'm like that's 10 C I was in D and he was in C whatever like that's this is D and he's like oh shit and then he's like turns to that guy tells him he's in his seat now this guy this is very bizarre to me was with

his wife she had the window seat they just left the middle seat open I keep thought he's gonna get away with that oh come on and the guys like it so he moved to that scene he's like can I get my suitcase and newspaper so he had like pull all his shit out and I just kind of stood there I felt good yeah like beat it you fucking chutes this is my seat you know it drives me crazy on these flights they do is every time is when they go you go hey I'm in there you know like I gotta I gotta slide in and the guy I'm in the aisle so he goes hey I gotta slide to the window I go sure sure and no wait I fucked it up you gotta get in and the

guy just stands there like he's got to get to the window I'm in the aisle sorry so ah man I might have fucked that up again hold on what do you say when you the place to be some people see things as they are and ask why oh I got it okay so I'm in the aisle and they want to get in so they just stand there at the seat and I stand up and they're just standing there and I'm like I have three inches to put my legs around and get out of this row oh I move out of the way you out of the row yes that's frustrating sorry I'm gay I had this happen on the flight to wait where was I going to LA oh so this is the flight sorry I bested

my flex I've flown four times that happened on the way to Atlanta where I'm all fucked up I flew I woke up at 4 a.m. yesterday flew from LA to here and I'm leaving tomorrow for fucking two and a half weeks to Houston I'm home for 20 hours yikes anyhoo so the flight to that was the flight to Atlanta where the guy was sitting in my seat because I was with Sarah on that one the New Mexico to LA flight now this is kooky I'm sitting I got the aisle I'm first-class upgrade because it's a short flights I get upgrades which is nice yeah so I'm in row to see which is the aisle front first-class and no one's sitting next to

me I'm like I think I'm gonna get a first class with no one next to me that's the ultimate victory big Vic then I'm reading my book and I just hear loud noise is coming from the jet way just like and it's just like it sounds a commotion so like what's with the commotion it's like for middle-aged women middle-aged like oh it may be mid-40s late 40s and they're boozed up this is a noon flight and they're just cackle oh whoa that's just that loud mmm for drunk people not saying women but men or women sure women have a higher pitch it's a toxic femininity it's a loud pitch yeah oh yeah and I'm like oh god and one of them

comes up and she goes I'm in that seat I'm in that she's hammered I'm in that she's good-looking okay she's like I'm in that seat but I'm gonna go socialize first oh boy and I went okay and then second passes maybe two Mississippi's and she just starts stepping over me hmm I go whoa oh Jesus Christ like she's like legs like and she's got a split oh facing or not facing facing and I'm going what the fuck I go hey I would have got up and she's like no no this is what happens when you're drinking the morning and then she swings her leg kind of falls into the seat but she had just said she was gonna

go social I didn't get up right but I think it's psychotic to step over a person when they're awake yeah if they're asleep you're like I gotta go to the bath I don't want to wake them up right but the flight isn't left yet like why are you stepping oh like just give me a second yeah that's the booze and that's the good-looking lady talking you know I can do what I want get out of my way and you won't mind if I straddle your fat ass yeah but I minded and are moaned what's the math that's of mind goose geese moose I don't know what is minded I was I was minding my business I mind my business that sounds weird

doesn't it minded it does doesn't sound right mend mind moaned man I moaned my business yeah that's no good I minded my business I think it's minded minding my business sounds right yeah well whatever call it I could say I was minding my business hmm I was my anyways I minded and mind my business but she steps over then she kind of do the thing when she talked to me she was like oh boy it was last night was a nightmare and I did a good job of just looking up my book and be like oh this sucks yeah back to the book and she kind of got the hint which was nice yeah that she's like dinging on her phone until the last

possible second then we're on the flight you could she's doing that like aggressive can't get comfortable you know we like yeah like an eight-year-old like a lot of flops and flips and then she starts looking at her phone and she starts sobbing oh like 45 minutes straight I just hear and then she's ordering what's the arm mimosas she's the whole flight she's just going and it's a weird thing where you're like it's a another human in me should I be okay but I don't get stuck she's a drunk I don't want to get stuck talking to this woman yeah not to bring it all back around but you could have had sex with her there's

a lot of hormones flying she's older she's horny she's sad sad and crying yeah I think you made a move you would have had a make-out in first class maybe a make-out but she was with three friends and we're getting to LA so I don't know what a sex thing but maybe I could have got a first-class make-out that's what I'm saying like I think if you but if you were at a bar with her and this was all going down it'd be over I've had that happen before where I was the shoulder to cry on and the shoulder becomes the cock yes shoulder cock the shoulder becomes the cock put that on a bumper sticker I like it but a cry on the cock though I

kind of be into it depending on what the cause of the tears I guess maybe a gagging a lady I'm not into a gag I'm not either but you know what else would maybe it's so big it's just too big to suck yeah I'm a good way to get out of blowing some oh because I think I have that with the small mouth yeah you got something type two oh yeah like a nice man pulled out a cock I'd be like I'm crying like it's too small I'm gonna try that next time take your cock out yeah all right we're back we had to edit that it did not fit my lens but anyway she kept crying and then I kind of overheard a little bit when we landed because our

phone was off airplane mode she's like I just cried for 45 straight minutes and she's like if they can't if they can't deal we did our best if they can't deal with it they're gonna have to deal with it okay and I'll just I just love you and I go it was like one of those boys I got off the plane then I'm in LA then I'm in fabulous sunny LA and I just love it out there you gotta love LA had some great hangs in a spot at the improv I did Ryan Sickler's podcast keeping here out for this one folks honey do honey do and had never met him and met him and couldn't have been nicer and this show I think it might be the defining shit shoe story

oh you got it on wax I think well it's I've been told it a lot I told on Rogan I've told it on Bert so I apologize to people geez you're milking the shoe shit well people want to know they kept ringing the bell people want to know about the shoe shit and then we talked about last comic stick it's all about your worst moments in life or lowest points are coming back or whatever so we talked sobriety we talked shooting in the shoe we talked my parents we talked everything I think I think people are gonna really enjoy this and he's a good laughter that helps it's huge because you're killing because otherwise you're

just it turns the sad story into a funny story yes yes I did that crab feast you ever hear that Jay Larson oh yeah he's no show with him yeah he was the other guy oh I see so I did the crab feast and they're like just you know we're gonna tell some stories and I went in and I sat at a card table with these two chuches great guys and they go all right what do you got and I was like oh shit so I told us like a 12-minute story poured my heart out all right what else you got it was brutal it was so tough I mean I got all the stories out but it was you were on like they didn't give you anything right right they just said tell

the story you're like for ten minutes you're just like here it is they're going uh-huh and then another ten minutes here's another story oh it was horrible you gotta give and those guys he was given honey dude was given in the producers I could hear them laughing it was just a success felt really good and then I went and met Annie Letterman did her podcast nice that was fun too her theme I don't know if she has a theme this you got shirtless cowboys behind you you sit on like a little outside patio furniture and kind of just kind of just wrap ah you chop it up we chopped it up that was fun then I went over and

met up with old pal Tommy John again the V cut V cut the cigar bar next to the improv is doing spot the improv and I didn't tell too many Tuesday I should have announced it I guess got to announce but I was going low profile and I'm coming back there headlining March 16th at the belly row so come to that that's gonna be a full set this is just a spot and sometimes you know when you're just doing a spot I don't want the pressure of fans and did I do this have I done this and you know I mean you feel weird so I'm like I'll just go in quietly do my set get paid met up with John again and we had a great hang oh good great catching

up Nick Novicki was there chatting with him for a little while nice and just one of those good trip saw Andy Hendrickson we had dinner and just chatted up had a good hang with Hendrickson good hang with John again Miss Henry was a bummer but and John again good news comedy fans he's jumping back into comedy about god damn time he's one of the best one of the best ever I would say wow big big fan big influence good friend about Ralphie May I mean don't you think anyone that's great now is one of the best ever yeah cuz you gotta be it's a different level different level I mean like you're pumping more out you know more we're gonna say Paul

risers better than Tommy John again you know like come on cuter and he's got three albums worth of stuff that's true and it's all killer I mean I'm a big fan of the John so check out those albums and he's back and you can tell he was he was itching oh good cuz I went up I'm doing all new I'm killing you can tell he was like boy I gotta get up there then we started bouncing bits and once you're bouncing bits you just then you really want to get up he's itching he's got herpes it's the good thing about bouncing bits is nothing makes you want to get up more than being like yeah yeah yeah exactly cuz you want to test it you

want to say did it work did I kick that I crack it you gotta test so great hang with him got the 6 a.m. flight to wake up at 4 drive the whole thing back yesterday it's cold as fuck it's jar when you do New Mexico for two days in LA for and you come into that New York winter forget about it you know you get off the plane you're kind of in a baggage claim anal and then you come outside he just goes when you're like god damn I forgot all about it well and I didn't bring my coat oh which is the best move I ever made but when you arrive back that one minute I wait for the cab yeah and then my kooky fucking driver had his windows

down there was like snowflakes flying in me must have been some Russian Kent no Asian fellow he was bundled waggle he was bundled with the windows down so just thing I might actually have a story that I never told you oh I just want to give a shout out to Asbury Park oh that's one of my favorite places in the world great town great people I did a gig out there again I'm taking all these wacky gigs you gotta stay uncomfortable yeah gotta keep it weird and confuse the muscles as they say so I ride out with a Gabby from you know what dude and her in her Jeep Cherokee which is always fun seeing a lady in a Cherokee that she's Bon Jovi's

daughter sort of yeah yeah I try to get into that and she really put the wall up oh build that wall so I wish I had a wall that went up and down like all up like a limo partition yeah that would be nice you know we could be like I'll take it down for him and up for them well you take it down a notch you just got to do therapy I'm taking it down brick by brick slowly come down there you go so we go out there and it's a rainy night you know you're like this could be weird and it wasn't a lot of money but we get out there it turns out as Vinnie Brand's daughter running the whole thing oh I remember it's at this cool brewery in

Asbury Park Vinnie's there it's packed out sold out comics are all nice and she's like yeah there's about 17 comics going on so you're me like ah but it wasn't that many and as she she ran a hell of a show hosted it beautifully the crowd was bananas good really good hot crowd she doubled the pay because it was such a great night which is always so sweet then you're like I'm glad I took it I'm glad I like agreed to do the gig and then she got a comic to drive me all the way back home wow coming who lives in Jersey drove me back that's nice great hang on the way back and it's always good coming back there's no traffic and it's

all done and you got money and you did a show that's how I felt in LA and I said this last time I'm never not taking the 6 a.m. flight home I know I left I stayed in Sherman Oaks I left the hotel to be 18 minutes to get to LAX nobody in the road just if you drive that from anywhere between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. it's a 45 minute ride here here I just shot right there oh yeah it was not I love a nice success I was there for like 36 hours saw two buddies did one set two podcast boop boop boop boop and all out locked in and oh hell of a lock in and I'll tell you this I got another in my seat story oh which was fun I love of an airline

anal and this one felt well this wasn't an airline this was no airline my track basketball game whoa this one felt pretty good because I felt like I turned a corner and really asserted myself boy you're big on the certs well I'm trying to assert that's how you take the walls down first you assert then you remove the bricks ah yes yellow brick road so I go to the basketball tournament as I talked about a couple episodes ago because I was supposed to do a corporate Kobe corporate gets canceled I go with Vita to go watch some college we watch the number one team in the country Louisville get defeated big upset very

exciting very exciting so we watch the game now Vita is going to your show too many people are hot gays whatever the hell it's good eggs good eggs thank you hot gays is a better name than good eggs I like hot gays that's a good show although the show's a little misleading when Tim Dylan walks on but you get what I'm saying yeah he's ugly although by the way Tim Dylan very handsome guy when he's not obese right well you see a picture when he's a kid looks like JTT he's actually sexy oh yeah look upset Tim Dylan yeah Shelby I guess I could show me oh he's not here ah yeah he left no he's got Tim Dylan's actually good

looking what look at this kid yes he's a handsome guy he's just got a bunch of gay fat on him ah the gay fats the hardest to get rid of oh you got that right you gotta fuck it out it's like an avocado you know that it's got the gay fat that's the good fat oh right right this is bad this is wrong in the eyes of God fat right yeah not going to heaven fat yeah you got it he's a funny guy who Tim Dylan yeah one of the funniest guys super funny super funny yeah gay and fat equals comedy so if he wasn't funny he'd have to kill himself I bet this gay fat guys that are not funny I haven't met him you don't see a lot of fat gay

guys that's true they're ripped yeah it's famous but I think he's closeted so I don't want to say anything jazz bono no you don't know jazz bono I don't think so wow how do you know bono jazz I know Chase Sutley and Bono but put them together chase Bono yeah people have done that quite a bit I'm sure he's a big fat gay I think he's gay might be trans oh I don't know Dylan might be trans by the time this comes out let's hope you never know but yeah no he's one of the funniest people there is so funny and a good hang and a good egg and yeah and a good fat funny hang and very attractive but you know I gotta I gotta take another

look I see the the rosacea I see the dandruff and I see the pretentious quote and I move on any who's all right so I'm in LA no I'm at Madison Square Garden so Peter he leaves to go to your show because it's two games the doubleheader they call it yeah doublehead first game ends he goes all right buddy I'm gonna go you know he does that thing yeah leader leaves a mumble album coming out veter Las Vegas that's right so he leaves so now it's just me so I go and just walk around I can't eat any food there because I'm trying to eat the healthy ish so I'm just walking around killing time till the next game now the next game features

the Yukon Huskies I've been to Yukon games before the garden it's all these Yukon guys they get drunk these like frat Yukon guys because it's Hartford it's close so you workers going to that school so you get all these like mid to late 20 drunk fucking new englandites yes got it like myself you know a lot of me basically you were 10 years ago old yeah exactly it's that's exactly who it is pre-hurt a little more fratting I see like some beef on yeah so anyways I walk around I go back to my seat so now it's filling in because it's all these Yukon people I go back up to my seat and now the first four seats in the row open

I had seat three and four so all four open now so I sit in seat three no sorry the first three seats are open seat four which is one of the seats I had is taken that's Vita so that's Vita seat so I sit in seat three but the guy there's a frat bro in seat four so it's awkward because it's a bunch of these seats but I want to sit in my seat yeah so I sit and he's just next to me again I can feel his look looking frat look yeah we're exchanging looks and I go uh this is my I cut him off in the past I go this is my seat so and he goes no I got a bunch of guys bunch of us are sitting all right here there's all these coats on these seats a bunch of us are

all right in here and I go the number there churchy I go okay well this is my seat and the row behind is empty so I go well I'll move to this row if you want because nobody there but this is my seat that's my seat and this is my seat and he goes now he's like row seven and I was like yep row seven seat three yeah this is me and he goes it pulls out his ticket which is full that printed off a piece of paper he goes do me a favor just check this oh do me a favor sassy lady so it's sassy and cunty but I know for sure I've been sitting in this seat for two hours I know I'm in the right seat I know seats you've been there two hours yeah because the first game ah sorry so I left in between games so I

unfold this thing now I know I'm gonna unfold a different seat so I'm confident okay I don't feel like that because I'd be a bitch if I was like okay I'll look at but I'm like all right I'll unfold your fucking ticket so I unfold it and sure enough I go yep seat seven oh I held it like this seven this is four so you're over there yeah and then he goes well those guys are in our seats well you deal with it dickless I go I guess so yeah but anyway I'm like I'm gonna move this row but yeah this is my seat but whatever you gotta do and I felt good and then I came around sat there and he's like yeah it's no problem but yeah we're gonna I was like no problem whatever you're gonna do dude and it was the first time in my life I felt this if you want to get weird we can get weird

yeah you want to throw let's throw I mean I felt the thing I'm like I'll fucking I got rage I got some training now I'm like whatever you want to do what we can do it that's fine the problem but I'll be right here the problem is you gotta make a wish kid with you which is Viter well Viter's gone oh he left all alone so now I felt pretty good because I checked his ticket I go I'll take this empty seat but yeah these you're in my seats and then all the frat guys start showing up and then this guy goes hey we're in this guy's seat so we gotta like get out because he's wearing this seat already changes his tune a little bit Tommy tune and then they start telling those guys hey hey we're in those seats and they start going well why don't you just sit there and like because

we're in his seats okay and now a couple more guys come they sit behind me and they're like kicking my seat because they're all drunk it's all drunk so I realize you know I stood my ground I told them what's what you want I don't want to watch a basketball game with 25 frat guys I get it so I leave the premise I leave there I walk around the other section now they got all the students over here I walk around this other section I'm worried about you know I have it in my head I'm gonna be like if someone asks I'm gonna say hey there's a bunch of drunk guys over there I'm by myself I don't want to sit with a bunch of drunk guys no one even asks I go up like 15 rows into the all empty seats nose bleed it's not even nose because it's not the upper deck it's like a decent first deck

okay whatever first go up no one's was any sexual there's no way at someone I'm just sitting in someone's seat I throw my feet up over the seat in front of me I got no one in a four seat radius put my hands up over my head and I enjoy that second basketball game and I'm feeling confident that I stood my ground over there told that guy what's what he changed his tune yeah I did I was ready for a situation went and got my own seat sat there enjoyed the ball game hell of a ball game felt pretty good see let me throw out a few nuggets here stick some things in my ass Denver nugget that is very mature of you you know yeah you stood your anal but and you won but the guy turned his anal on you which is nice and you could have stayed there but you said

I'm just gonna be mature I don't even want to deal with this even though you already dominated right and then you left on your own terms it became a thing yet my terms I like my terms because I'm like but I don't want to sit here right so it felt like I asserted again in life and that like I'm like why would I sit here it's gonna suck yeah because some people have this pride bullshit where they go no no no this is my seat I'm but but now your life is worse yeah and I'm like why would I want to sit with a bunch of drunk fucking numbskulls right I'll just sit by myself over here man it was quite delightful so did it feel tense with the uh because the uh hey do do me a favor and read this it's pretty uh it's pretty cunty it was tense but I felt like

I'm like well it's gonna end with him being like oh shit yeah you're right did I ever say that oh shit you're right yeah well he did like oh okay so I'm over here oh those guys are in our seat yeah and then he was like hey we gotta get them to move like because he's a fucking bitch this guy he just had he knew he had his buddies coming uh but I just felt like I got all this rage that I'm working on but I was like I had that thing of like if I it's not gonna work out well for you right right I could see that he was a fucking little rich penis yep nice two honkers yeah decent and then two seat changes by the way you know you're goddamn seat you got your seat tattooed right on your fucking noggin well I think it's also like I don't booze and I go to a lot of

flights and a lot of games a lot of shit I know the state first of all I've never understood the fucking up the seat right I don't get it section two ten you find your section your row your seat it's like so insane to me what's an honest mistake you know there's a lot of numbers there's a lot of letters going on but what bugs me are these people who walk down the aisle this this the fucking plane goes from a one to 36 a yeah and they're going what the hell it goes one two three four right what's the big hubbub yeah like what's it the ticket says 10 the seat says 10 and it's fat ass down it's incredible there's like cartoons too like that c has a guy next to it right and then the fucking a has a window next to it yes exactly it's weird I don't know they're looking up like the sky

is falling it's like hey you chuch read the card but I feel the same way it's sporting events and it's one thing if you have nosebleeds you try to sneak to good seats you're like oh you got us right it's the thing of like no no this is my seat right here and you're like no you're in section 309 this is 427 yeah exactly it's like how did what the I think people literally come up the escalator and they just walk in they walk yeah and then they're like okay I'm row five they skipped the section part right or they skipped the row part I don't know what it is but it's all labeled but I hate to sound like a queef and this is gonna make me sound horrible but all those little things in life where you're worried about it constantly and then you find it they don't have that worry why do we worry

so much and they don't right I'm a little jealous like you know when you're walking off a plane and it takes forever because you have to wait for everybody to get out of their row then they come out of their row then they turn and grab their shit then they grab their shit so it's not just like a smooth watery leave it's all this jumbly bullshit but then when I finally get my chance to go I go whoop I pull the bag off and once felt swoop felt swoop felt yeah like the fabric like a swoop of felt yeah okay one felt swoop and then I'm out of there but everybody's going up hang on let me put that down there let me pull the handle up and let me wipe my asshole let me rip the spag bone my sock and then they're out of there two things one a we're consider it that's why

and to be is there a leather swoop or is it just the felt swoop I think it's just felt can you get a swoop in leather or do you get a flannel swoop I love a flannel swoop that's bigger than a dyke pills one flannel swoop please get a Subaru and a brandy Carlisle ticket and that's in a flannel swoop I'll take a felt swoop and a jew swoop jew swoop felt swoop uh-huh that's fun title folks uh we fucked up I'm just gonna give it to him straight maybe we'll keep it all in I'm gonna give him the straight dope we fucked up we started reading ads so we had to edit here but we're wrapping up now but we just read nine ads it's a little kooky so there was a cut there you might have noticed the holiday time forgive us it's the holiday season yeah but do silver bells

silver bells folks I am coming to Madison Madison Connecticut Madison no Fairfield Connecticut January 11 and then Madison Wisconsin January 16th through the 18th and I'm doing little uh fat black shows January 12th and 26th are late though 11 p.m. I don't know who's coming to those I know it's gonna be tough yeah it's gonna be a late annoying Sunday night and then the guy before he goes long so you'll be starting 11 40 oh fuck me hard all right and then Omaha funny bow and people keep asking me about Omaha February 6th through the 8th uh February 6th through the 8th Omaha sorry these are all fucked up February 27th through 29th and Arbor comedy showcase and then March is a big month hyenas in Plano Texas oh Plano I heard that one stuff

playing yes comics and Mohegan's son the 12th through the 14th and Skankfest March 27th through the 29th and uh Belly Room LA comedy store March 16th nice going on in there and then uh I'm coming back to Worcester too whoo haha April 17th and 18th Patriots Day weekends oh boy those are all things uh when when this is mid-January we're this is January 7th this is coming up all right yuck yucks in Vancouver come on I finally go into Vancouver the mix is shut down so say hello Tampa uh going home to see my parents La Jolla Gotham Comedy Club in New York City might have a big drop in by a famous Jewish man Louis St. Louis Minia Detroit Michigan Comedy Castle um Zanies in Nashville Atlanta all kinds of fun stuff

eventually Chicago go on a dynasty typewriter in LA Moontower Des Moines Wichita Kansas Omaha one-nighters Chicago Calgary Tempe finally Philadelphia uh Boston eventually Cleveland all kinds of fun stuff marked omen comedy dot com comedian Joe list comedian Joe list dot com kill yourselves have a happy holidays uh what is it dry january is a thing it's for me I don't know uh eat out your grandmother and uh you know finger uncle it's like my dick great thank you you