Tuesdays with Stories! - #332 Big Bar

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

Hoo boy, it's another hot ep this week as Mark deals with pets on trains before getting altitude sickness in Oregon while Joe's comedy enrages a Saints fan. Check it out! Sponsored by: BlueChew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing hey we're back everybody is this record it's recording we're live boy this is we gotta get the dust off I got cobwebs in my asshole here the rust and the dust oh I have a topic I'd like to bring up oh I don't want to

start quick quick top just remind me and I'll come back to it all right well we can start with it what else we doing but we're here we're back and I think it's been almost a month yeah yeah well we did the Wednesday it's been oh it's been exactly three weeks recorded three weeks ago today I'm spotting so god god bless you welcome back to us it's a welcome back but to you we were here all along true true but something happened with the video people are asking about the video I gotta clear this up oh we didn't videotape in New Mexico New Mexico right but usually the old video comes out the week of a new audio so people have some

video to see and now since we took that no video or we're sans vid but we'll be back in the vid world yes we didn't have an episode on New Year's Eve I mean on Christmas Eve so there was no video well we did the best we did the live the Chris D yes and then the New Mexico we didn't have the camera with us yes where the cameras so there was no video for a couple weeks but we're fucking here we're back we're gay love it we're back and here's my here's my topic I said we got a lot to get into here this is crazy but right in me I was thinking about this on the walk over here up 4th Street there don't give it away as I walked by well

I mean they know you're in the area anyways here West Elms West Elm that's where Kennedy was shot in the furniture store he makes a left is that a furniture store West Elm no kidding I wonder if it's named after the triangular fire triangular fire what the hell is that that's the fucking oh that's the conspiracy about JFK the triangle they had the guy in the books depository or Ruby yes and is it depository yeah same as the thing you stick in your ass that's suppository a whole another way to kill somebody you know put a book in your ass but then there was a guy on the grassy knoll and then someone you know

in the I don't know Cowboy Stadium or something they had a triangular fire was the conspiracy ah gotcha but one of the streets is West Elm cuz I just remember them be like he makes a left under West Elm that great scene in JFK wonder if that's what it's a weird thing to name your furniture about yeah that would be off-putting yeah I mean you get the conservatives I guess alright so they hated that Kennedy huh this these prices will blow your mind folks the live one is in my head cuz I feel like I always say in my head when we're here on the couch I think a higher percentage of things are getting a big laugh yes yes

and then you do a live one you're like oh there's about six laughs per episode that's true but I'll read the comments sometimes and they'll make a reference to some line we say and I'm like oh they like that right even a joke so you never know you gotta just live and ginger yeah I had to stop reading the comments because I was gonna pull a JFK on myself yes what fuck Marilyn does anyone ever try to kill themselves with two guns at once like a double cuz that would be fun and silly looking you know like a true you really have to pull them at the same time because you don't want one to go because what one goes off you

just done anyway you wouldn't get the other one right so you'd have to really synchro but well worst-case scenario you only die a little true true hey so this is what I was thinking about cuz I walked by there's a African-American tattoo parlor what right down the street here segregated well there's a bunch they have a bunch of records in the window and it's like Biggie Tupac Michael Jackson some other douche and then you know whoever DMX maybe DMX could have been maybe Nas or Nelly I get them all refused sure share a lot of bandanas but anyways so that I walked by and there was a I was looking at the tattoos which are silly

you don't have tattoos not a one I don't have tattoos so I got to think it in my head if you had to get a tattoo someone had two guns to your head a triangle or fire in your head yeah and they say you have to get a tattoo right now or we're gonna shoot you right in the face oh my god what are you getting oh man that is tough I'd have to think about that I guess I don't have time to think I probably just get the cleaf on the back back we've back cleave and with quotes and an exclamation I might get a target on my back for guys to blow loads on you bad maybe a butterfly yeah you could do good a tattoo like a little squeegee back

there yeah I was wondering maybe comedy when I was a kid I wanted like a young kid I used to try to design my tattoo and this is it I might mention this before if you could get tattoos as a kid I right now would have peace love and rock and roll my lower back I wanted that like curse of writing if I had that imagine you get a tattoo in your 13 I'd have a big old Red Sox B on my calf and a piece love and rock and roll and then I wanted to get this is serious I was probably like 14 I wanted the Rolling Stones tongue on my hip that I don't mind that's like a fun it's a lady spot if I had on my bicep it would be something

right but that tongue right here on my next to my cock piece love and rock and roll my back and a Red Sox thing yeah that's tough boy it'd be a whole different cat it would be a different I'd have to be a different guy you would yeah yeah I know I know a one man I think you know him too but I won't say his name but he's got a crazy tramp stamp oh I know that guy you know yeah tall guy yes I did last comic standing with him we were all in the pool and somebody spotted it from far away it was not hard to spot that thing was you it was like a gothic church back there yeah and somebody was like is that but and there

was like the whispers went across the pool side man and it was in a cummerbund all day long in that pool there was a game changer it was a real like I got to rethink a lot of conversations yeah you know he moved to LA not too long after that thing was spotted he had to fly the coop because maybe a couple times where he's up on the top shelf grabbing some macadamias and I got a glimpse of that ink and I was like oh buddy you gotta remove fatty yeah that's tough I mean that's that's that's a brutal one but what can you do they can make it into something else because I knew a lady that I was intimate with and she had a

tattoo that wasn't a great tattoo one of those teenager things sure and she was like I'm gonna get it changed into something else and for us non tattoo artists it's hard to picture you're like yeah how are you gonna make that into anything right but they can like color right over it and she posted on Instagram like it changed into like something like spectacular and there's no remnants of the other so he might be able to make a big you know skateboard or a record player bat or something maybe a bat yeah an eagle flying with a flag and shitting on an Iranian yeah 9-11 something oh yeah there you go I

knew a kid Shane then this kid was from New Orleans like bad kid went to juvie when he was like four you know that kid knife fighting bar brawling he felt like he was a like just a number you know he's like ah we're not real we're the government's got us oh well those the barbed wire enough bar barcode on his back like we're just they just scan oh god we're not people we got no feelings to them oh yeah he's dead they've tried to scan it because that'd be something and it turned up you know 1995 right right yeah well I knew a guy I've talked about the two two different guys it was one guy went to high school with

and we were the Panthers and he was on the wrestling team he was all into wrestling and he got a Panther like coming out of his back like it was like scraping through it so it was like his skin was torn yes yes and it's weird because it's your high school I know that's worse than the ring like it's one thing with if you go to college and you're like a Division 1 athlete you have these formative years and you're like LSU Tigers we won the national championship yada yada we heard it here first folks go tag but this guy I mean you have a high school mascot on your back for life oh you love high school

that much that's embarrassing and I loved high school sure I had a great time but I'm not getting enough fucking Whitman Hansen on my tits no no I was the mascot I was a Cavalier for half a week and I'm not getting anything have a queer you got that right and then there was another guy I've brought this up before my sister dated a guy this is the worst tattoo of all tattoos we go folks he had I told I talked about this before Tasmanian devil holding a severed Bugs Bunny head he had him by the ears and Tasmanian devil sucks Bugs Bunny is great that's a good point the other way around oh I like that bugs with a Taz

that would be maybe something also that has no significance to you I could see if your your dad raped a bunny or something but that's just nothing to you there's just cartoons and it's a it's a t-shirt get a t-shirt get a t-shirt and if you had that as a t-shirt I guarantee by now you would have given it to Goodwill oh you would have been like I don't need this what am I doing be jizzing at that thing you'd be using it to clean up the kitchen counter with some 409 I like using a t-shirt to wipe up my cum same good fabric yeah it works I like a sock to I told you the story we probably told us when Tom Dustin was on my mother we

used to get those old Navy 4th of July shirts every year she still does I've been worn it since ever but it's like a big American flag old Navy they released every year and that one year they were white and she got one for me and Tom Dustin I live with Dustin we were acceptable at the time yep and I just forgot to give it to him and there was two so I used one as a com rag for like six months jizz on the flag yeah so I didn't give it to him till Labor Day and I brought down the wrong one I thought I had the right one I was a drunk and I just gave him a shirt and it was like a sitcom I was like my mom got you this and

enjoy it and I go upstairs I just hear brooch and I was like what and I come downstairs and he's wearing it and it's just like all crinkled up I mean it just looked or it looked like a bunch of potato chips on it where was crunchy and yellow and salt and he was just it was like I was like that's the wrong one take that off yeah and then I went and got the other one and then I licked up that one sure I wonder what's worse that the flag jizzed on or touching the ground well I don't know I mean I didn't get it on the flag I got in the white because I would like to get in the white cuz it would make it almost look like

tie-dye after it all dried up that's right and I remember I live with Ira and Bulger and the same thing they found a t-shirt like under my bed and I came out and I held it up and it was just splattered nasty in there you could break it yeah there's so many moms across America and maybe Europe and parts of Asia that are just picking up crunchy socks right now for some kid and throw them in the wash yeah I don't know why I thought I wiped them in my tidy white he's all the time that was close the drawer was right there and I would grab them and just oh same and you're 14 so you're jizzing like a like a half a

gallon oh yeah a lot of jizz I was watching the news yesterday we we have like half as much I saw the same thing where was when did you see that cuz where was it was on something but our grandfathers were loaded with sperm yeah like a third of it I didn't hear the details of why we got no come I think it's just a it's a testosterone thing you know there's no war to fight well who knows now but there's no war there's no like building shit you know you're not hitting a woman you lose some manliness maybe read I don't play in video games we got a uber that seems weird maybe that's some diet stuff too or some die

but the sugar they say like if a guy gets hired as a CEO his testosterone goes up if you exercise it goes way up and I think people are just becoming a little more laid back and hanging out and playing brick breaker or whatever the hell what if it's like the earth and society we have too many people now they want less danger what do you call that potency little population control yes now is testosterone equal more come I thought testosterone was just like hey how you doing and lifting weights or some bullshit I think it makes more jizz because you know you're more potent or manly or masculine I don't know cuz I

noticed I don't have a ton of load left oh really you're dribbler well I just went like three weeks ago I was at my family and then her family advice versa I sandwiched the two actually her family my family her family and so I didn't blow a load for like six months oh my god and then finally you gotta just I'm like I gotta get something going here sure sure and so I wailed one off and it was a sizable amount but like when I was 15 if I went three weeks which were been impossible I would have taken four lives be Katrina but I would have came a fucking you know a candle but this was like a little just a little dabble do

you yeah wow that's interesting because I almost rubbed one out when you were on your on your way and I looked at the clock and I went oh save it so I'm really a brewing right now I hear you well back in the day by the way I could jerk off in 40 seconds oh yeah now it takes me 45 minutes I quit a few times I change the channel yeah sometimes I'll try to watch a porn but it just never connects oh really so then I I'm like I can't do this so I X out of the poor I start looking at Instagram and then you know a San Maril video and then that helps yeah I can get off to that good joke writing yeah decent eyebrows excuse

me semen that's probably reflux yeah oh god I'm a little I got no sleep I'm gay I'm all over the road yeah yesterday I was fucked I was on two hours I caught up we better get into yeah let's get into some stuff because it's been a long time coming yeah well can I go back to Christmas yeah you get cuz I got to get some thoughts anyways I don't know what the fuck's going on on Christmas I hear that World War 3 is I don't know much about anything I don't either I tried not to listen to politics I've never voted right so I just want to say this so going to the ladies house in bean town or mass I should say for the for the

holidays we got a 3 p.m. train so we kind of got the day to dilly sure we get a breakfast we haven't even packed yet and we're sitting on the couch it's probably like 1140 and the ladies like looking let me let me get the reservation up just so we have it I'm like I we got you know four hours we're good and she goes huh I just realized the trains at 1230 it was like a home alone scramble like you know we're pajamas we were playing taking a shower we're gonna roll in the hay we were gonna do anal and then we realized fuck it so now we're just throwing shit we're wearing robes and

everything throwing shit into a bag and we just run out the door go straight to Penn Station barely make the train oh my god crazy crazy so we get on the train the train it's it's it's it's like a John Hughes film you know it's the holiday season everybody's getting out of New York going back to their hometown hard to get a seat we can't even sit together it's so jammed and there's a lady everybody's fighting over seats there's a lady just bitching up a storm we haven't even left yet and she's like this person has a cat I cannot be around a cat I am allergic and it was this Hispanic guy with his whole family's got like eight people with

him and he's like hey look you know they allow cats on the train so you got to deal with it El Gato and she was like I will not deal with it and this is where got ugly she goes this is America oh I don't know if she met it that way but it came out that way I think she would have said it either way whether this guy was Hispanic or Bulgarian shouldn't that be his argument this is America you can bring a cat on a train I guess so yeah I didn't think about that all right so she says it's America so she goes he I was here first he showed up with the cat he's got to move but isn't it a huge trend she just wants to want to change

seats she's got a big puss breathing on her you don't want to change cats mid seat right so the guy goes I'm not moving you know you got a problem with my cat you should move and it turns into this debate in the whole trans going yeah it's the chicken and the anal here we don't know what to do and so they go all right well get the conductor in here the conductor like he's gonna solve it he's the judge and jury well those guys are tough cookies oh Boston like Quincy guy yes yes I'll be like get your fucking cat out of here you got nine lives on the cafe car you're fucking homo exactly right so the thing he comes clinking

down ching ching he's got eight keys on for some reason he's got the little hat for some reason the whole thing he's 800 pounds he's knocking things over you know the whole trains is shaking and a rumbling they have that nickel thing I like that nickel he had the nickel they love those things you know nickel thing he had a key with the oh the stretchy keys yeah I like those this guy had a tattoo of a Bugs Bunny raping fud and all this shit going on this was crazy we should be conductors for a couple weeks it'd be nice the hat the key the whole thing I'd love to conduct wouldn't it be fun if I stood on one end you took my

keys all the way down and let him go I would love that I put a little note on it I'd be flicking those nickels all over the place oh yeah all right please so he comes in so he comes in and he goes what the hell's going on he's a big fat bossing guy with a horrible beard and a bad skin and you know balding and he's got a hat cocked to the side he's pissed he doesn't want to be there he's like I'm not I'm not judge Joe Brown here I'm a conductor yeah these poor bastards I wrote a whole sitcom about this and then they said it wouldn't be great oh really yeah it was pretty good so let's get that what is it called conduct it was called

fuck what was it called run a train I can't remember the Northeasters named after the train I think or so no I can't remember I wrote it with Bobby and it was great and then one guy poo pooed it and Bobby was out dang he's like this is gonna be too high too costly and blah blah blah because it's a moving train and yada yada he needs the one train I think it was really good either way yeah okay so he comes in there he comes in everybody's everybody's you know up up perched like a mongoose on the back of the seat like what's going on and the guy goes cat lady move it that was it and he just told her like get the hell

out of here and she was like I am not moving he's like we are not starting this train till you get up and she did the whole she's like I'm gonna die on this hill I am not moving so the Hispanic guy went alright fuck it and he grabs his big fat tabby and walks to another car wow and that was that but it was a quite a little to do that's fucking stupid yeah yeah so then we went to Cape Cod lived it up saw the whole fam did it up did a Yankee swap which is something you New Englanders do that I never was a privy to I love the Yankee swap I'm part of two Yankee swaps damn that's a lot of swapping mm-hmm so we had a great time great

food the whole family her grandmother walked up to me she's like 900 years old she's like do you like John F. Kennedy I was like yeah sure as much as the next guy she goes but you're from Louisiana so you never know I think she was saying are you a Republican who knows but it was very jarring well maybe she thought you were a clay bird shoot because they were all New Orleans guys who's that that's the guy it's Tommy Lee Jones he fucking triangular fire I really love that picture yeah good movie back into the left hell of the film so we go see Richard Jewel one day oh geez what'd you think I haven't seen it but that Eastwood

does not make a great film it's pretty good I think they're in trouble with a little bit because the lady fucks a guy for secrets yes I heard that yeah that didn't happen she's dead who's dead that lady oh really googled all this shit she died of an OD no kidding yeah she's played by Olivia Wilde so it's pretty good it's pretty good yeah because Eastwood hasn't had a good film since 1992 well you got a grand terry oh it's one of the worst movies of all time you got American Bay American Bay million dollar Bay oh I thought that was overrated I didn't get it there's a ghost and a thing and she hit her head but

what about Iwo Jima the documentary no he did a real I didn't see that one I thought that one I think they won an Oscar maybe alright he talks to a chair American snipers garbage the whole thing really stinks alright well you hate Eastwood yeah Wyatt Earp no what was it Doc Holliday unforgiven unforgiving that was the one that was great that well that's terrific that's a great film alright so he should have armed himself then we fly straight from bean town to Portland Oregon and man I gotta tell you this was a rough day really wake up at five for some reason the lady has just got a bug she's yakking oh we get to the airport

she's yakking this is a six-hour flight she yaks at the airport we get her on the Alaska flight which fuck my asshole Alaska stinks I don't know what you're doing with these airlines you ever fly Alaska I have it but Derek swears by it oh they smell it's horrible that the Inuits can get out of the sky well yeah stick to the igloo brutal so she's yakking on the plane I'm she's like four seats behind my looking back she's green she's behind you oh yeah I like to keep a distance you know the women get back so yeah she's puking all over the plane it was brood we finally land she has friends in town they come meet us at

the airport and she's like I can't hang out I'm sorry she pukes at the airport and but the holidays people a lot of holiday bugs a lot of bugs I get bugs it's a bug's life funny so uh Tez so yeah she's yakking all over and I do all the shows the shows are great a lot of Tuesdays you got some Prilosec we got some Chipotle appreciate it we sold all the merch and boom she gets better we go skiing in Mount Hood oh I heard a lot about Mount Hood I've seen all the magnets in the potion I always want to go to Mount Hood you gotta go to Mount Hood man dying to go to fatty it's

gorgeous it was blue skies we rent a car we go to the on the way up there's a waterfall blue skies in Oregon in December that's a rare you luck guys yeah she's feeling good I'm feeling good the shows are great we go see a waterfall it's bananas it's the second biggest waterfall in America whoa that thing was gushing Niagara yes Niagara please yeah second and word please oh yeah hopefully we'll get a third oh sure one shows up if you do it three times wonder which one it is I think it might be Candyman oh that's not a good one I Dr. J. or you know our Burton or something but so we see the waterfall we

keep driving we got an Airbnb no we got a bed and breakfast ah that's what I kept saying when I was in Wales I kept saying Airbnb just a B&B there's no air no air there hard to breathe and breathe yes oh god we're rusty folks sorry we check in it's old Mary I mean it's right out there that's that's the lady running the B&B oh yeah you finally get up there it's like a two-hour drive this no elevation you know or what it's all elevation what he goes no altitude no air I don't know bueno no bueno you can't breathe up there is what I'm saying I got you yeah so you get up there it's in this cute little town there's nothing

going on we go on the bed and breakfast oh you know it's like a 78 year old lady white hair apron on there's a big dog in the corner there's a cat a fluffy cat on the other quarter beautiful home she goes here in room 408 breakfast at 930 whatever you want I'm like well she's dairy-free she goes you got it she's she's amazing so we drop our shit down we go skiing it's hailing and raining the whole time we picked the worst weekend in history oh brutal no more blue skies blue skies have left it's gray skies from now on and man we are I'm going fuck it we're here we drove the three hours we saw a waterfall Mary's gay we're skiing

so we ski all day in the rain brutal I don't have you ever done this no you're getting on the ski lift and you just you're just getting pummeled with rain and hail and then just going up to the mountain skiing down you're shivering you if you fall you're ruined you're just soaking wet it was hell that sounds horrible it was horrible but I was like we came here we're skiing but never think just we'll just sit by the fire in the place get warm there's something nice about that that's true so we do that after but I was like we're getting some skiing in so we do that after we got a dinner there it's in this lodge it's

beautiful I don't know how it's built in 1938 the whole thing's built by hand it's all these giant wooden roofs and beams and fires everywhere there's the big polar bear oh I love those did you take a photo where you're pretending to be on your phone with the bears behind you that was you I think that's something you do oh I thought that was your thing I mean I did it but I think that's something probably people have done before I've never seen it yeah maybe it's just me I think you call you copy wrote all right there you go so yeah just Americana you know I'm up there with like Lyndon B Johnson these pictures of him in black

and white like shimmying down the slopes you know no kidding and just a great time had dinner went back down to the to the Airbnb woke up breakfast was amazing she's whipping up pancakes she's talking too much it was great and you bang in the bed and breakfast which feels weird you know because it's like your grandma's below you yeah it's squeaky when I was in Wales we never fucked she was too it was too much for her oh really because it's wouldn't you hear the creaks and then the keyholes wider than my dick someone could just look right in there yeah I put my asshole against the keyhole then I would fuck her from just

in case it would look dead that's on you yeah you're gonna see a wink you open your mouth they can see right into the room like a telescope exactly so yeah great time and then wake up the next day can't get out of bed what I'm bedridden I'm gonna get the chills the room is spinning I'm sweating I'm shitting water I could barely move every muscle aches oh no and I go what the hell is this I should I make my way downstairs because I want the breakfast and Mary goes what's up with you I'm like laying on the couch downstairs she goes I think I might have a stomach flu or something I can't move she goes you got altitude sickness

I go wow I've been skiing my whole life and we're at altitude sickness she goes uh well did you get drunk I go yeah she goes well you're probably dehydrated and then you exert yourself in the hail the combination you're fucked oh it's not the bug that you lady had no bugs I'm not puking it's not really stomachy I see I just can't I can't move but I'm like so we can't ski oh so the whole trip's ruin it's raining I can't ski I never got the girlfriend off she's upset and the next day I gotta go do shows in San Francisco so I have to just with the whole trips ruined I'm laying there I wake up we get on a plane I'm like I'm

like Dick Cheney I can barely move like Stephen Hawking you know and she's like helping me holding shit FDR FDR so fat dumb retarded and get to the airport I barely gonna so now it's all reverse she's having a great time and I'm on the flight like I can't move I'm the worst I flipped it we flipped it I get to San Francisco show that night I just got it you know you're laying in bed I finally checking in the hotel everything is effort everything is hard you get into the hotel you're like okay you look at the clock like alright it's 450 the shows at eight right I got three hours to like figure this out are you hydrating and

I'm hydra I got the pedia light I did the whole thing and man that was a hard show it's like when Larry Bird he had like a back injury so used to like lay like in traction before the game he was just like lay on a board they had him strapped in there and then they'd like cut the straps they'd be like and then couldn't like a triple double and it come out of the game and just lay on the floor the whole time whoa bird I didn't have that alright I wish I was a I was you know you got to address it I'm up there like you know I can tell Tuesdays are like what's up with this guy I thought he was a nimble douche yeah cuz

you're a you're a nimble douche and what do you call it barrel of laughs I'll take it yeah barrel of monkeys kind of barrels out there cracker bear I'm a cracker bear all right yes you're cracking jokes yes so that first show was brutal and then the next day I wake up I go to bed at like 10 30 I wake up feel great I kicked it ah good to kick it I thought of some barrels oh hit me double barrel all right barrel strawberry oh I like that barrel barreling down the hill barrel and hatchet that's not baton baton a baton down the hatchet barrel and hatchet sounds like a Native American radio team oh barrel and

hatchet barrel and hatchet here we got a barrier I guess I'm out of barrels yeah alright I was proud of barrel strawberry yeah I like that that's not bad so the next day I'm feeling good I go see the whole city of San Francisco what a great so one of the best cities now if you found it to be not as nice as it used to be that's what I keep hearing everyone says San Fran I used to love it I had to leave there's homeless queues the whole thing here's the problem with San Fran it's become the richest city and the most homeless so it's you don't get much in the middle there's no middle anymore yeah just like tech millionaires hobos and

then some Asians working in the right that's about it and this shit on the sidewalk everywhere weird guys just shit on the sidewalk but it's so you can see the bones of it you know like oh that's that old Castro where the gays live and that's where what's his name Patty whack cataract Joey Garcia give a dog a bone to me milk a lot of Garcia a lot of milk a lot of milk who are you talking about that I'm talking about Kara Wack Kara Wack wrote a book in there and Lenny Bruce blew a guy there and Woody Allen fucked his daughter there it's fun Chappelle shot the special there the Fillmore Hendricks the Golden Gate Harvey

milk wine stain the whole thing so it's just a great town and it was the sun was out and I was feeling good so then Joey Avery and Daude hit me up I doubt I end up drinking four or five tequila's that night went back to bed woke up I'm back in traction I can't move oh yeah I fucked it up so I got two hammered and blew the whole Kitten Kaboom now we're good but yeah San Francisco was amazing all the shows were killer Tuesdays God love you thanks for coming we're gonna get this fatty out there please for God's sakes I'd love to come hey we got a we got a hot sponsor here this week oh what is that is a new sponsor for us oh I love

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here it again blue chew dot com get your first shipment free when you use our special code Tuesdays just pay $5 in shipping again that's blue chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free blue chew is the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast here yourself one and have a nice roll in the goddamn hay yes blue chew or in the bed sure better hey you're actually fuck on hay no I don't believe I have no me either it seems like it'd be unpleasant I've slept in hay no I fell off a horse got knocked out well let me let me tell you a little ditty about my experience except we got weak so this

happened nine months ago I'm sitting very effeminately right now but I kind of like it yeah it's working get the yeah get the foot bob the top leg bounce leg bounce yes and I do an ankle swivel too whoa slow down I might need a blue chew but anyways so I had to go out to your neck of the gay Louisiana the big purchase so as we've talked about I mean I did 15 consecutive weeks on the road so it was a long and we gave the last weekend and it was that one night or out there and Lafayette yes what is that even call I don't even know it's in a hotel Lafayette comedy yeah that's a hot little number out in the middle of

nowhere so it was something so Sarah and I flew to Houston now three weeks ago today actually and we fly out to Houston we see her parents it's sweet what's nice we hang out her sisters there sister love we have a nice little family dinner hang chat sure next day we get up we go for a run we hop in the car we drive out to Lafayette wow is not a short ride three hour maybe four this is about four hour ride from she lives in Kingwood or parents living in Kingwood first place I ever did comedy by the way Lafayette yeah wow well oh I think I remember the guy telling me that yeah so I hop in the car we drive out and boy

you really drive through some real shit out there that Texas between Houston and Lafayette is and a pretty there's a lot of camo yeah it's it's wild and so we drive through old America the way it once was and so we get to the gig and it's a hotel we check in it's nice it's one of these ones with the club is in the hotel which I love yes because you can fuck and stick things in your ass until eight minutes before show time you got that right so we come downstairs and the pod is really starting to take off here yeah there's gays everywhere I feel like a celebrity in this place I thought there's gonna be nobody I thought there

be four gays and a bunch of hicks and whatever no also this is the biggest show in town yeah it's a big show it's a Friday night and it's pretty full and it's Tuesdays everywhere I didn't know there was so many gays out there alright gays a nice time and I'm looking at the crowd I'm like I think everybody cuz you can tell our fans you know you can see mostly white mid-30s virgin certain certain kind of thing yeah bad beard then I'm seeing you know some shirts not as many shirts because our fucking shirts fucking us that was our fault yeah not our fault it's not our fault it's fucking you know who's fault Puerto Rican

but anyways we're trying to work on it they're working on it they claim we'll figure something out anyways thank you but so anyways I go on stage Sarah goes up and kills oh great and the other two guys kill I have their name I can't remember their names so much has fucking happened at this point but that's a whole other thing I'll get into that later but anyways killer show I go up and it's a hot crowd and I'm riffing a little bit I'm talking about Lafayette at one point I said oh yeah you know it's crazy New Orleans and someone goes you're not in New Orleans boy and I went off fuck I'm sorry did I say New Orleans I'm

like I didn't realize I said that I apologize but I do associate Louisiana with New Orleans most people do because that's what you hear about New Orleans it's the big town you don't hear a lot about other stuff and I've been talking about New Orleans so I said New Orleans I felt bad about it anyways I'm riffing I'm raffin I'm doing bits the bits are all killing everything's going good and I have this new forest gump bit yes good bit thank you and in the middle of the bit I go oh you know it's funny for us got they did a sequel to forest gump the book force comes based on a book they wrote a second book called gump and co

aha and in the book he just carries on but in the book he plays for New Orleans Saints whoa I didn't know that so I say that on stage just like that and I just hear fuck you and I go all right well sure fuck me I guess but yeah he played for the Saints the guy goes don't fuck with the Saints fuck you there we go well not fucking with the Saints I'm just telling you there's a book and in the book for it he goes move on jeez fuck you saying fuck you who that and I'm going alright sir well I mean you can look it up I'm telling you I didn't write the book right and he's like you don't fuck with the Saints and I'm like well

I'm not fucking with the Saints and by the way I could not be more happy that they fucking lost I hope they lose either go in 16 next year because of this fucking idiot so he keeps saying fuck you we had a good run and I go all right and it's getting weird in the room yeah because he keeps doing it and I'm like I'm just telling you there's a book I don't even have a fucking bit about it I'm just saying there's a book and in the book he plays for the Saints and this nitwit just hears the two so he thinks I'm calling his team retarded or some boy so then a Tuesday over here turns to him and says hey fuck you all right

Tuesday and so now I go all right all right everyone stopped the show yeah baby relax I was like this is an open carry state let's just take it down a notch because I can't see this fucking idiot so I don't know if he's some crazy you know swamp guy I could be with a knife with fucking a gator teeth in his head and he's hammered in a gun or whatever sure so I go all right well just relax so they go over there trying to say something I guess he was trying to Google but he was too drunk his thumbs weren't working I see and but it's one of those things you're like I'm not even doing a bit I'm not even edgy or

anything yeah it's just a side like I was comfy because it was all fans was a nice show you know when you like you feel comfortable yes yeah you're in the hot water baby you're way right so sometimes you just say things that come to your mind that you're like you know it's weird about this anyways and I they're all fans they're enjoying the asides I think yes and triggered you I triggered him over his dumb football team exactly and then I've been only one of the guys in the show talked to him out of the bar evidently he was wearing a fedora which you don't associate fedora's with this kind of

behavior no no no it's probably as good going out show fedora perhaps but so the other comic on the show talked about the bar and he was taking it all very personally oh boy I guess because at one point I was like hey Lafayette is the first show I've ever done with the word laugh is right in the city yeah I'm being a goof and he's like it's Lafayette not Lafayette he took that personally and then he thought I purposefully fucked up the name of the city to be disrespectful or something I mean the guy's a unfortunate soul obviously yeah he says he's got a zaps potato chip on his shoulder it's a local

reference yeah I thought it was the reference to the come shirt I talked about earlier but anyways it really interrupted the show but it was so psychotic because I was like well that was strange but I thought I handled it well like Sarah was like that was great because I just kind of went all right well I'm not saying anything about the team I don't really give a shit about your team and whatever yeah and then I just went back to the jokes the show was great he never came back in the room he went out and left I guess which is good he shouldn't be going out to show no go buy a fedora like if you can't handle

that then the comedy's not for you now you should be elsewhere yeah what a what just going oh I heard a team name that's my team and it's not bad it doesn't even make sense even if I came out and was like the Saints fucking suck and they all stank and they're gay why would you who care yeah yeah I would secure are you and go I know they don't know you don't make it fun but why does this bother you you're not on the team I'll tell you what I watched that Saints Vikings game I was thinking about him the whole time because he exists he's a real person right he's watching that game and I I've never rooted so hard for a

team in my life I really do I hope they lose all the game all the team playing crashes is just upset that one guy I mean shut up shut up you fucking knit with grow up it's all he has I guess it's a book the guy wrote a book of course up by the way is one of the most lovable characters of all time of course and he's a goddamn all-american he returned every kick for a touchdown he's a fucking superhero well you know shit happens right now I'm afraid gonna hear this and shoot me next time I go back there but I hope you get sober and get some help my friend but yeah the show was great and I loved it a lot of Tuesdays a lot of a

lot of gifts and kind words so I appreciate it we woke up the next day drove back to Houston then we had secret group that night now this is the last show of like a four-month run three days out four days back four days home three days out four days whatever sure so I'm like this is the last show and I'm just worn out I'm comedy doubt traveled out one show left we hang with the family for a little bit and now it's time to go down and it's a little anxious cuz Sara's like from Houston so she's got friends from high school her best friends are coming there's like prets like doing the hometown show you went from Houston to

Louisiana back yeah boy oh boy we had four hours of driving then we were there at the hotel for like nine hours had a nice breakfast by the way it's some breakfast diner I drove back we drove about eight hours out of like 15 it was a lot of driving yeah but we had a nice time and there's no like real highway in Texas there it's a lot it's like red lights and shit oh really yeah it was kind of annoying come on longhorns but anyway so we get back to Houston we go to secret group and it's packed packed that's a great show yeah Andrew's like we sold 88 tickets today like what I'm like trying to look I'm like nobody

tweeted it nothing I don't know what the hell was going on it just spread and again ton of Tuesdays I had just been there and it's starting to really feel like we got something cooking here cooking you're it you're it on the ground floor folks thanks for sticking with us yes spread the word we're gonna be back for whatever the fuck it's called skankfest and t-shirts so we're coming back for skank we're gonna do a live episode I think that thing's gonna be packed every single person was like I'll see it skankfest I'll see it skankfest yeah we gotta figure out who the guest is gonna be on that bitch yeah skank guest

yeah but that show was rocking Sarah had the best set I've ever seen her head and I just cut New Orleans again Lafayette and then Houston she's all anxious she's nervous hometown show all these people you're with family murdered I mean she fucking killed and I was like this is like a lot of pressure and then this is happening a few times I think I have IBS from taking Prilosec oh yeah because this is happening about six times you were there one of the nights at the stand where I just can't stop shitting for about 30 dude I had to take your spot and at the show they were boom-booming I got problems I think the

Prilosec is fucking up my stomach lining or some shit I don't know what the hell maybe it's anxiety or diet whatever the fuck but I was just shitting just a ton of shit yeah and I couldn't stop and it was like you know when you shit and you're like that was it alright I got it thank God I got it up before I went on and I come back in about one minute and I just hear I know that I had nine dumb and dumber shits in a row wow so now I'm getting anxious cuz I'm like fuck what if I can't get it under control I'm shitting and it's the last show and I'm so nerdy the night before I had that weird thing with that fucking psycho so I'm

getting real anxious like I'm like shaking with anxiety sure and then because I've been through it so much I've had the panic attacks on TV I've had no headliner I just had the moment of like so what if I have a panic attack I'll just deal with it baby I did it at the St. Louis funny bone I did it on Conan I'll just do it again there you go and immediately it just all wafts away but you lean into the skin you lean in and you also are like there's no power right what's it gonna do I'll just do the show while having a panic attack sure whatever no big deal so what goes away I go up there I'm still a little shaken I

just told the New Orleans story of fucking the Lafayette story I don't think it is I think of the state being called New Orleans well it is the big to-do of the state even Louisiana state you just LSU right no you don't never hear Louisiana yeah it's just New Orleans this New Orleans that I went to New Orleans there's so little we talked about this before Illinois is similar there's so little associated that the state that you hear just in general conversations not the city what's the same with New York you don't really hear about Elvira New York you know it's all fucking Manhattan right but the

difference is it's the same name so you're still here in New York you don't confuse it you know yeah a good point but so I just call I'm like I've been to Georgia I've been to Florida I've been to New Orleans oh wow yeah sorry to the people of Louisiana if I know you're there but there's not a ton going on as a guy from there you leave New Orleans and look I'm saying this Baton Rouge there's Alexandria the whole thing I get it there's the Gators and the swamps and the anals but that top half of Louise is pretty desolate yeah it's not much going on so I apologize I'll try to do better the whole thing it's similar

Massachusetts like that too everyone just says they're from Boston I'm from Boston where you from the Berkshires yeah so many jizz I can't remember where I'm at now but anyways I told that story about Lafayette that kills and this was like the hottest crowd legitimately maybe the best show I've ever done I swear to tits I got it all recorded about I did about 50 minutes and they were hot wow send me the tape and it's it's coming obviously a comedy magic club it's fucking secret group so it's like this independent right such a cool room it's not the improv and also it's one show so they're all at one show what you've

talked to us before we're at a level or I'm at a level where our fans there's like 80 so you have 10 at one show 20 at one show and seven at the other this was all fans comedy fans and Sarah's friends and it was hot I mean ridiculous ridiculous show is such a way to go out after the long run of road stuff and then I did like a meet and greet but it was like in the front room was like a dance club so I'm like meeting and greeting like there's like 90s dance music on and stuff taking some photos and that was just a great time and now I'm done and now it's just Christmas time we're off and we're just there for Christmas and it was my

first Christmas away from home sure 37 years old never not been in Massachusetts for Christmas and first time there and it was a big decision and I couldn't have made a better decision because it was such a great time there you go and also getting away from the family is not the worst thing in the world sometimes you got that right so and the weather it was 70 degrees Saturday were bike riding and running in East End Park and nice and it was just a beautiful beautiful Christmas time and then day after Christmas I get up early I get in the first flight back I was kind of like my deals I'll come the day after Christmas

don't you worry so I fly back and I got presents for my niece and nephew I'm taking my nephew to the Boston Celtics game oh there you go his first game he's ever been to he never goes to the city it's very exciting I took him to Faneal Hall I was telling like this is the old comedy connection this is where I started he's 11 okay and he's like were you nervous when you first did it and I was like I was but I was not as nervous as I was have never taken a chance and he's like yes that makes that I felt like a dad you know yes yes you need a son I bought a hat he puts his hat on he's like how's this look I'm like

it looks great and I just really spoiled the hell out of it good for you because you know I'm fucking wealthy to an 11 year old sure you're rolling like what do you want to get get this get that we go to Quincy Market and it's all these foods it's packed he's never been in a crowd in his life what is this kid in a wheelchair well he's from the he's from the suburbs my my sister they have no money they don't have to go to a Celtics game a ticket's 125 bucks 250 cost 40 bucks to park a hot dog's nine bucks right they can't go to the city my family doesn't have city money I think you can jump on a greyhound or something

and take a wave and take a photo and come back look up these tickets I'm telling you and my family's not city people right they don't go to the city and Ridge trolls they like to sit in the backyard we're backyard people you got a fire and some beers and the whole thing cornhole so I take them out oh big cornhole over there you got a big one so I take them out we're at Quincy Market and I go I'm gonna rotisserie chicken you want something he goes I like that chicken wrapped in bacon oh boy so I buy a skewer it's longer than my dick and my father's dick combined and it's a thumbprint in it and this is a huge

thing it's like 40 bucks so expensive I go take it so we're eating it up in Quincy Market and it's a huge pile of chicken it comes with two sides wow and he's just munching it up he's sitting on the floor he doesn't give a shit he's eating like a goddamn caveman I'm loving it and he's never seen diversity in his life oh I saw some Asians oh Asians blacks whatever the hell he's he's like blowing his mind he's like look at the size of the dick on that one sure and so I sucked it for him just to show me could you know you're here and we got we're going to the game so we got like a huge meal still left right because we got

a gigantic meal we only ate half of it so I'm like we'll give it to a homeless person and that blew his tits off he's like what and then this was sweet he's like how do they trust us like how do they know we're not poison and I was like well they're eating fucking garbage so oh this is like a mega wish you're taking this retarded kid out it's really so he's not retarded he's just a little shy I see but so we go up and we find a homeless woman and she's sitting there you know all with flies all over I go sure and you give her the foam thing now this is ego but you want to sit there and go open it up yes yes open it up take a

look yeah see it's in there because I'm like it's chicken wrapped in bacon and pile of mac and cheese I mean it's like $30 of the food oh yeah and you know that's not the reason for giving of course you want to just be like boy just give me something I guess she's like a bless or whatever she had no teeth to eat it with but god bless give me I want to I want to hug and a beach yeah you want to be what she opens and she's like what yeah I want to put the bacon on her face like Jim Carrey and cable guy and you know I was on a first date once and me and this gal went and got Indian and I saw hobo and I was trying to get laid you know so

I was like hey watch me too yeah I was like watch me uh oh we got these leftovers let me give it to that derelict over there and I walk up to the guy and he goes what is that I go hey it's leftovers you know I thought he was gonna high five me and you know get me some some action and he goes is that Indian I go yeah yeah it's Indian thinking like hey this is international baby what are you eating Indian right and he goes oh I don't want that shit and he flopped it out of my hand oh he did the hand up well the nice thing if you're giving it to some loser you could just scrape it back into the plate and give it to some asshole they

don't care I guess but he didn't want that roti I'll tell you that or the tikka masala well maybe he's dabbled before because their stomachs must be a little sensitive they're eating tin cans and fish bones all day they can they're drinking hooch but I'm just saying maybe he eats Indian and it fucking blasts off he's only got a few fluids left he can't lose him there's no IV for him and he's shitting uh under the the subway sign so he's not really you know never like a nice throne right but we're good people is the is the moral of the story so we give it to them and he's all excited

we go to the game and the Celtics they're playing Cleveland who sucks so they just fucking lit it up which is what you want I don't want a close game I'm taking my nephew yes because they lose he'll be heart broke I want to blow out we were up by 30 at one point and I'm elbowing him oh my god there's a big dunk said he's in hog heaven he's loving it this is great but he's just like me this kid in the middle of the game it's like unbelievable it makes me emotional I was like I almost cried nine times because you know it's one on one I've never had a son but he's so much like

me he's so anxious in the middle of the game he just looks concerned I'm like what's up buddy and he's like well I got a loose tooth that's bothering me and I'm like you're just like me I'm sitting here checking my gums for blood I put my finger in my ass to see there's a lump I'm like that's me buddy this kid's got herpes maybe so I gave him a big hug you know and I was like you're doing okay it's gonna be great we took some photos I showed him around the city sure and uh it was a hell of a time we were in Faneuil Hall and I'm touching

the brick I was like touch these bricks this is 300 years old those are the actual bricks isn't that crazy then we're walking up an alley which I used to I can't even tell him stories because every story I'm like I ripped a mirror off of this one time and hit a hobo with it I stole I mean it's all just a blackout on pills me and your dad fucking stole a street sign and whipped it at a kid yeah yeah so I gotta keep the story to a minimum but one point he stops and he's just touching the cobblestone just like the bricks because I was like touch the bricks oh boy so he's touching

the cobblestones and I'm like ah boy that's a homeless person shit there like 20 minutes ago that's that needle so he probably has tuberculosis now but well you know what's gonna happen is uh you show him the best of his life he's eating bacon he's fucking homeless women he's at a Celtics game he's touching bricks you're gonna get this kid home and he his mom's gonna go here's your uh plain cheer is he gonna go ah fuck that you fat cunt I want a bacon chicken delight you whore and she's gonna go what the hell happened he goes I

don't want to live with you I want to live with Joey well the sweet thing is he has perspective and he he knew it was like a nice treat but the problem is now I gotta do it every time I'm like I'm looking up Celtics I'm like I gotta take him to the Patriots game and the whole thing you gotta go to the Super Bowl now you set a bar I know the big bar uh Roseanne bar now we're back I feel like we're finally getting in it now it's like a half hour of my uh bullshit I gotta wrap up anyways but but uh it was a hell of a time and then my niece I took her I've watched she never seems she's into horror movies

now she's never seen screams so my dad watched it with us we set the surround sound my dad like turned it to like 500 oh boy so it's like the phone right it's like jump in we had a great time we watched the whole thing I want to ring your pretty neck yeah well that's a hell of a picture by the way oh good movie genre what do they call it when they play with the genre bending yes maybe bending yeah genre bending by the way we're gonna stop because I gotta get the therapy oh sorry but I'll just say this oh geez I did I got a whole more stories we'll get to it next week or whatever but yesterday two days ago I'm

in Omaha with Louie and we drive by an old movie house like a like a artsy fartsy art house an art house cinema that's the one fart house yeah that's my house baby so we go there and uh parasite is in the on the marquee I'm dying to see I'm like I gotta go see this I'm with them without you I'm going he's like let's go so we go there and it's an Omaha this is how you know that movie is something it's a Korean film sure playing in Omaha Nebraska right so I went in I knew nothing about the movie other than this has got to be special everyone's saying it's the best movie of the year and for a Korean movie to make

it to Omaha it's pretty good so that's all I know I know nothing of the plot nothing of anything I just go all right let's go watch this film that's playing in Omaha if you hate this movie I'm gonna be a little torn here well we sit down it's a small theater like 30 seats and it's packed whoa wow and there's there's only two seats open and there's one guy singing between them and the guy sees us and moves over a seat so shout out to that guy sweet midwesterners out there very nice and they look something I think he's he was like sees it's Louie which I'm like this must be blowing everyone's

mind I know I know you're in a bowling alley is he gonna jerk it in this theater he didn't as far as I could tell red-wildered the popcorn tasted funky it's stuck to my lips but the movie starts I know nothing about it and yada yada yada this picture is incredible unbelievable films what a picture go see this film I'll tell you what I mean it was up and down left and right black was white all right night yeah I mean it was really something I mean this is genre bending I laughed I cried I fired it I mean it was really something I didn't cry that's stupid but it was really tremendous film and I don't want to say nothing about nothing just go

in blind and enjoy the the stylings because boy I can't wait to see these Koreans get cooking this is a special film folks I mean hey they boil up a dog and have small dicks and it's quite a movie I can't wait a boy is it north or south south they don't put out a lot of films in North Korea no I guess not I gotta say I'm dying to see it and somebody told me it sucked so I'm glad to hear who said it sucked I want no I don't want to tell you come on give me an initial I'll tell you off here okay all right sucked wow I thought it was wunderbar oh boy quite a film dying to see it you gotta go see it I got the screener so I might watch it again do the captions fuck you now well here's the thing I don't mind sometimes I'm intimidated

by captions but then I think a glorious bastard godfather part two two of my favorite movies of all time well I mean glorious bastard is nowhere close to that movie but like if they don't say this movie's in captions right there's just scenes you don't even notice it yeah yeah you know what I mean and glorious bastards like 60 percent of it is subtitled true but no one's like I can't watch that there's subtitles right right but any who go see it I gotta fucking go because I'm late for therapy I got too much to deal with right now but where are you gonna be there fatty all right well this weekend I am in Madison Madison Wisconsin comedy on state yeah you'll sell that puppy out first uh headlining weekend in like a month now it's weird to go from one

to the other I'm like I just need a break so desperately and now I'm like I gotta get back out there right too long so I got that uh this weekend Thursday Friday Saturday if you're in New York Sunday the 26th I'm doing the fat black at 11 p.m. it's gonna be no one there I'm running my uh album I'm gonna record a new album come support yeah so come on out if you're in New York it's a late night Sunday but who knows and then Omaha funny bone I just did it with Louis I'll be back there February 6th through the 8th uh then the Joker's cruise but that's probably sold out or something then Ann Arbor comedy showcase that's one of my favorite clubs ever February 27 28 and 29 and then March is big hyenas in Plano Texas nice comics in Mohegan's

son there you go and then uh I'm headlining the belly room Monday March 16th LA people in LA always messaging yep hoping to do some fucking podcast for god's sake get on it uh March 16th the belly room in LA and then of course uh Skankfest and then Vegas fucking March 30th through April 4th with Mark and Vita and uh possibly Ari his pretentious uh I think Becky and then Worcester again in April for Patriots Day weekend bunch of fun dates coming up all right you're cooking uh I'm in Tampa this weekend and Orlando on the Wednesday so uh oh I love that gig yeah so that's gonna be a hot one actually Orlando might be on Thursday oh boy you guys figure it out I'm all over the road uh then we're off to good ol LA I'm doing a bunch of shit in LA dynasty type

writer maybe some big podcast who knows I might hook up with Theo Vaughn oh comedy store in La Jolla that's uh gonna be a hot one I've always heard this club's great it's right on the beach let's go gay got them comedy club in New York City you know who might stop by the King Jew Helium in St. Louis hello that's a tough room let's uh get those gays out there Royal Oak Michigan you know you love it a loha comedy festival in Honolulu wow that'll be a kooky that's your second Hawaii festival you got that right Zaney's in Nashville laughing skull in Atlanta he's never been stress factory in Bridgeport that'll be rough cellar Vegas can't wait new Brunswick stress factory moon tower with the fat man moon tower moon tower Des Moines Iowa then we're doing all

kinds of like Wichita I'm doing a one night or an Omaha Kansas City uh all kinds of fun stuff Chicago and May laugh stop in Calgary that's in May Tempe improv you heard it here first Mark Norman comedy dot com comedian Joe list dot com get on the patreon if you want to see those videos a lot of live apps t-shirts are back we're gay we love you oh somebody yeah patreon's big and the youtube go watch subscribe and like the youtube comment positive please you hurt my feelings and uh yeah then uh you know be nice to each other say hello to an old person give a hobo yeah eat someone out tonight yes whoever you're with eat them out even if you're a woman blow a guy if your guy eat her out or if you're gay do the same whatever whatever correlates

perform some oral sex for fun eat some ass yeah I love eating ass eating ass spans all sexual orientations good point aha I have a point all right so eat our asses suck our dicks we'll see it live braze all up