Tuesdays with Stories! - #333 Retro Gay

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

We're getting kooky on this one folks, as Mark gets into a confrontation while hopping a turn style, while Joe celebrates New Years in Boston before ringing in 2020 by experiencing some loss. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesdays) & BlueChew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy oh here we are folks we're there you're here and we're smeared on a bagel oh I love a bagel man I'm back to bagels again by the way are you back on bay

back to basics and back to bagel well I got I think I got the diet thing figured out oh wow you heard it here first folks well here's the thing I realized I'm fine I just have a thing that's annoying I was kept trying to get back to a hundred percent with the reflux and I wanted to feel the best I've ever felt in my life now I've accepted I got a condition that's kind of itchy and tickly and gay and annoying sure herpes and then you just go yeah and this reflux is kind of like herpes you get a flare up yeah it's like throat herpes it's their piece great drink that's a Greek philosopher

third piece it comes in once a month and always it leaves I believe it was third piece who said I got nothing smelling ass on a Wednesday for ice cream what's that shit called you put on there vapor rub talcum no now you put on a herb viticill some of the V Vegema oh oh oh Vicodin Vagisil I take it all the I got it in my bag it's a V Valtrex Valtrex now that sounds like a like a transformer but you don't put it on you stick Valtrex put it in your ass oh really yeah all right I'm new to the whole herpy game yeah I can help you out teach me give it to me um what was I gonna say oh yeah so I got the third

piece and it's not so bad and here's what happened this is one of the things that was good so this whole time I've been like I can't eat a chocolate chip if I eat a chocolate chip cookie my eyes will shit right but then I went for the holidays and then my father-in-law died my grandmother died that whole thing I mean we'll get into that later but it was stressful and then it's the holidays so everything's ice cream and cookies and whatever and so I just started eating all this shit I was mourning and so I started eating fish and chips and chocolate chip cookies and I ate everything you can eat we went to

McDonald's like Sarah's like I just got to go to McDonald's she was losing her shit so we were like fuck it let's just get McDonald's you're eating your feelings totally and I'm fine what do you mean you're fine with the reflux like I'm like it's just it's annoying it was annoying and like I was like a lot of like throat clearing and then chest and I've kind of felt like that but I got through I didn't die I wasn't shitting blood I mean I have my normal blood shits that I always have but I didn't die right and then I came home last week and I went like four days back to like no fried no whatever no said whatever

anal yeah and then just ate well and I felt much better just a couple days yeah it's a eat better you feel better eat shitty you feel exactly it's just a thing a little condition and it's fine and most of it was anxiety and stress and stress and anxiety adds to it it makes it worse and it makes you worry about it silent killer so silent re silent re killer well it's good to have you back and it's good you're accepting and you've got a lot of shit on your body that you just got to deal with that most people don't well I think I've talked about this before I have all things that don't go away yeah herpes

alcoholism wife what else what was the other thing there was another one oh panic disorder is another thing you can't just manage I got all these things you get a man so I'm managing I'm like I'm like you know Sparky Anderson over here who's that he was a manager of the Reds and Tigers later all right sports guys sports and jazz blues best nicknames Sparky Sparky and Yogi Bear and bleeding gums Murphy and cannonball and all this shit I think Yogi Bear is just his name is that real I think it's his no Colin I think Yogi the bear is named after Yogi bear what maybe I don't know I think it's the other way around wait a

minute well he's definitely not named after Yogi the bear he's funnier than the bear and he's older he's Yogi the bear old Brooklyn Jew I want to say I don't know that he's a Jew I don't think he's a Jew I think he's Italian pretty funny bear doesn't sound very Jewish and I don't think there's a lot of Jewish catchers back well there's the baronstein bears they've got to be heaps yeah they seem Jewish yeah the steam you know and they're not giving their porridge up they're hanging on the cameras doing it oh what is that wow fuck me all right our camera is blinking this is a I've never had it blink before stop recording why

is it blinking does it say battery or something all right I'm gonna pause this recording all right folks we're having a little situation here all right I'm pausing the audio there we go all right we're back folks we had a little testicle difficulty yeah I sat on a ball testee testee one two well we're back and we did some research Shelby's not with us any longer he passed away yeah caught in a elevator escalator call an honorable there okay I'll send the ad mark can you check the framing of the video was a little off last time oh all right I just looked it looked pretty good looks okay feels okay I feel I feel more

centered I'm standing right that was like a double meaning oh the Zen but anyways we looked it up so yogi bearer is not his real name he is a born of Italian immigrants yep and his originally was nicknamed was Lottie because his mother couldn't say Lawrence which is weird to name your kids something that you can't pronounce was she deaf lordy how does that happen was you retarded wow she's Italian which is similar they're a little off these Italians no offense if there's any Italians here and whoops um Diego but get me what's another atel eggplant now that's the moulin yon's

uh huh I guess that's it what day you know there's a bunch I think grease ball grease greasy meatball a meatball that works I think meatballs just a general he's a meatball yeah how about a MOOC MOOC I don't know specifically Italian like MOOC and shoot you a equivalent equivalent equivalent yeah equate equate with the Italians because of mean streets and such but I don't know there's a necessarily slurs yeah mmm any jizz so he got the nickname but yogi the bear is not named after yogi bearer but I suspect he is and yogi bearer tried to sue yogi the bear and we he's not Jewish not doing Italian all right doing you never

know but yogi the bear they said no but I think it's clear yogi bearer was a household name oh yeah and was bear like and was known for saying fun things yeah yeah great quotes I deja vu all over again yeah and all that's 90% of baseball is half mental who come on if you see a fork in the road take it he's like a groucho yes and then he said half the lies about me aren't true or something like that I just read one but I can't remember that one he's got a million of them give him a goog folks he's a he's a keeper I'm sure they know yogi youngsters maybe the young group they don't even know like I brought up die

hard somebody's like who oh yeah what was it recently somebody didn't know something yeah I can't remember they're out there you bring up sign for like I don't watch that it's so dated I can't I'm like what are you kidding now it's strange yeah we talked about this I'm we watch Mean Streets that's before our time yeah so I yeah I don't I love Cool Hand Luke you know there's good things that happen before you were born but there's a lot of content out there for these queefs to soak up so I get it but also yeah you're watching other stuff and I think comedy we've talked about this before comedy doesn't hold up as

well as other things sure doesn't hold up as well as drama but I told you before we've talked about this before I went and saw a real window in the movie theater which is like one of my favorite movies of all time and then the scene where the end the climax spoiler alert you know Jimmy Stewart falls from the window it's like that shitty like I would say green screen or whatever and the whole theater burst it out laughing and it broke my heart even oh the new like now it was now everyone's like damn it yeah that's tough because you're like just understand that was the best they had at the time right right well that's

why you got a respect like I'm not a big Star Wars cook but it looks good I was like 1977 it looks pretty good it looks pretty good there's some cheap that script doesn't sound so good I can tell you that isn't it's not my it's not the best movie or me but I'm saying like they got spaceships going around you go I'm buying it I shouldn't say the script is bad the dialogue isn't great well it's the whole story the whole thing great shot gold leader yeah well that they're on a plane yeah I'm getting chummy up there I suppose all right but there's some amazing things about it I can do Yoda and Yoda and Miss Piggy very similar

that's right both Frank Oz Yogi Yoda the bear that's pretty good it's not bad miss Piggy he's not like a drunk Michelle Wolf that's pretty good well for who yeah what does he always does the backwards speak like like it up the gas you do yes my back come on a gay Yoda that's a fuck baby Yoda let's get a gay Yoda in there have we talked about how I resent baby Yoda I hate the baby Yoda you hate kids you're an abortion guy well here's the thing by the way I got my I'm a I'm a card carrying Planned Parenthood member they sent me a car because I've been donating once a

month for so long and we were laughing yesterday if I was single like when a waitress came over was cute I could put that in the slot with a credit card shit I meant to give him a credit card I just and then you can really score some points with the dames yeah yeah you like take off the baby corn that's that works up here down south you might you know shoot you whatever that's true or wherever else yeah but the baby Yoda this is why I hate baby Yoda because they made a cute puppet just to go viral and sell baby Yoda it's not art they just fucking made a thing that everyone would love and make they knew it would

be memes and they created baby Yoda before they made the story I'm sure of it yeah I completely agree that that's what Star Wars does at all it's all hoopla I mean like Jar Jar they gave up on art 20 years ago Jar Jar Binks come on it's more like fart than art I'm gonna take my own life now all right I'll watch all right what do you what do you get me with something I got a lot of stuff yeah put some of my ass and see if I come if you don't mind let's see if we get some squirting out of you so a couple things let me let me run this by and tell me if you ever had this with a lady yeah so my gal is a big fan of the

diddler she likes to diddle all day long the diddler she'll just do a vibrate from like noon to four like that's a day thing for her oh she'll just lay in bed legs up masturbate yes okay she's a diddler on the roof she's got her legs up in a stirrup she's got a big ass back massager and she just goes to town for literally hours hours why she doesn't come or she comes and then does it again fifty times you got modern family on the blower she's got a smoothie in the in the blender and she just jizzing that's interesting because I feel like women can come and then come again which is an AC DC lyric I come and that's the end of my

day I go home and same same and you cry again yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's true I mean I come first of all we're we're exuding a large amount of you know Elmer's glue here well and it's an exercise right I'm seriously exercise she's just holding a toothbrush yeah we got a shake weight yeah I got a situation and yes you're right she's holding an oral be or whatever you call that oral dynamo what is that thing electric one it's like Bob Dylan you get off the acoustic and you go like oh I see toothbrush yeah but it's a place to be the oral be the oral anal I guess it's not oral it's it's hand to lay well

tomorrow if you put it on your thing it's orally I guess yeah it's like oral sex whatever it is whatever either way so she likes to diddle and she's she's good at she can diddle at an elevator knock it out like you won't even notice well she's not going like like Meg Ryan and Sally Joverse the volcano so what we're in a we're in a hotel room not too long ago and I'm like looking at my tweets and Instagraming and this and that she's laying next to me and I'm doing this for like half hour like can you believe this oh man this movie looks good oh man black people whatever and then she's like yeah I just I did I came

four times just sit right there I didn't even know it why didn't she invite you in well it'd be hurt we had banged earlier and I think she just sometimes just want to rub one really well yeah I mean I there's a little ego where you go hey I could have knocked that out but it's also like yeah she she knocked it out she wanted to and yeah I guess if you're able to and I think women hit their sexual peak in their 30 she's in her 30s now not 20s oh really yeah 29 you got a young dame oh yeah she doesn't know die hard well I think later on she's gonna get even hornier I heard oh yeah the peak is like 35 yeah something like

that but so kooky that God did that we're 18 and they're 35 yeah it's unfair because I was a goblin at 18 oh just goblin now I'm not saying I'm a smoke show now I got the teeth the forehead the thing the Adam's apple the jawline all that shit herpes yeah much time again but back then I mean I was a horrific ghoul of a person oh so I was fucking the couch the fridge my aunt it was everywhere yeah I fucked your aunt twice but real horror she's like that I called her aunt ah like everyone's calling me an aunt down here you call me aunt and I got right in there and some people go on tea mmm that's a person of

color move well we say auntie Donna up there yeah I don't say auntie like a kid why don't say auntie it's an E it's not a T the T is built into aunt yes you're adding an E like Markey Joey auntie you're saying aunt T it's aunt E auntie yeah like Joey or Bobby or silly or goofy I figured there's a T in there I'm hitting the T yeah but you're doing what you're doing is Joe T Mark T row T is not good mr. T yeah I pity the the aunt mr. E mr. Purple mr. Pink pussy oh so anyways yeah auntie you fucked your aunt oh so wait we gotta get back to your wife so I just thought it was interesting I thought it was a

notable conversation yeah that she just diddling all day long and I'm just sitting there going that's wild is that wild I've never had that because I first of all would be destroyed if someone's beat I'm like if someone's beaten off in the room I don't care if it's a man woman or child I want to be involved I get that I get that yeah well you want to help a kid out yeah I found out my nephew dropped down the hall I'd be like you got to be kidding I could have showed you my pecs right I played with this undercarriage but yeah yeah so it was a it was a kooky moment and sometimes a gal or a guy you ever just had

that where you want to rub one out not you don't really I don't want to like buy you dinner and go down on you and tell you you're pretty I just want to rub one out and jizz on the TV set and get out of there yeah of course I mean I think we've talked about this before we're like for years when you're a young male you need to get that out of there else you'll murder a family you got to get rid of that baby batter it's evil it's the devil's juice so I would always be like I gotta use I got a poop I would be in there yeah and then sometimes you do it and come back and then you had to actually poop you've used up all your

poop time right in the toilet seat sticky so in that situation I'd be like I'm gonna go jerk off and then I would poop maybe you do it the same time you're just shooting a lot of things out here I've tried that it doesn't work all right that was one of my songs I tried right originally I was gonna be like a song guy and it was called pooping with a boner was my first song wasn't great kind of Simon and Garfunke Lee mm-hmm yeah so see diddle next to me and it was pretty impressed I was impressed mostly because I was like I didn't even know you didn't shake you didn't vibrate you didn't moan you didn't queef you didn't

squirt that did you say what why don't you get me involved in this I get it I totally understand it because there's times where I want to just knock one out and not you know have a conversation I guess I see what you're saying yeah so I thought it was cool yeah it's a pretty interesting so she must be having 10 orgasms a day oh yeah I think she doesn't work also that vibrator it's just this little nub and my first instinct because she'll she'll want me to vibrate her sometimes sure which is kind of a hot number and I just want to put it in there which I think it's so male yeah like stay right here and I'm like I just

this thing up yeah yeah of course we want to be in there yes but I want to get fingers and fists and toes in there oh yeah give me the whole kitchen dinette set I want it all in your snatch gotta get it but yeah so that was fun and how about this one this is that was a fun note now this is awkward oh so I've been jumping the turnstiles quite a bit lately oh it's a rush and I got problems at all that so I see I go down the 14 Street L no camera no cop there's no booth so it's a it's a free for all down there booth free yeah there's no guy in the booth with the little conductor hat going yeah you have crazy kids so it's an

easy jumper and there's a young afro-american a with a clipboard okay he's doing the hey I need money for my assholes bleeding or whatever and I'm like I'm in a hurry I'm I'm late for my show does he have is he a candy guy or just a thing he's got a thing in a box I don't know it might be candy okay cuz a lot of times they have the fruit snacks yeah no snacks I didn't see any snacks I love a snack the snacks are bad no no bring on the snacks so now I got this guy standing there and I want to jump it I'm like I can I jump in front of this guy cuz I didn't give him any money so I go I'm sorry I've been a hurry and I just

jump it and he goes oh the white guy can do whatever he want he flipped on me he went from please sir help me to you fucking honky cracker ghost motherfucker and and now I'm a little nervous cuz I'm like well I didn't help him and he saw me do something illegal right and as a racial component now sure and so I go hey sorry man I'm just in a hurry and he goes oh yeah the white guy does whatever he wants I'm like what's going on here you got a problem with me and I stood there now I got the bar at my at my pelvis sure you know the the turnstile yeah and he's on the other side I'm go what's your problem man and he goes oh

yeah you can't help me out I'm like I'm in a hurry but now it's weird cuz I'm talking to him when you're waiting for the train and I'm waiting for a train so now it's super awkward and he's like yeah yeah I got a problem why can't you give any money and I'm like who the fuck are you why don't you give me money and now we're just doing this shit and didn't you just prove that you have no money by jumping the turnstile oh that should sell the point damn I should have brought that like he should be like oh okay yeah you actually have no money you jumped the turnstile right surely any normal functioning human being that has money

would just pay the two dollar fare yeah yeah now not this guy cuz I think I had no money on my cards yeah I got I got no time I had that earlier I missed the train cuz I had insufficient fare there you go so now we're just going back and forth and I'm like boy now I'm so glad I didn't give you money cuz you're such a cunt and he's like oh yeah here we go I'm not here trying I'm very vulnerable he's like a nerdy guy with glasses I'm being vulnerable I'm putting myself out there and you white guys can't help me and he kept making about white guys yeah and I got this thing and I know of this you know there's nothing wrong with

being white he's right I am white he's black I don't give a shit but I got this thing for my childhood where it goes back to like you know grew up in a black neighborhood a lot of white boy white bitch white whatever it was hitting me it was triggering me are you triggered I was triggered okay and I kind of lost on the guy was like fuck you fuck you I hope you make no money I hope your clipboard gets shoved up your ass hope somebody knocks that thing over your head and he was like and then the train came and I got on well here's the thing I think a lot of times that works these days because of the zeitgeist do a little

white guilt and a lot of people are probably like you're right what am I doing I should be I'm privileged maybe he's just playing the card that was dealt to the hand that was dealt to whatever you say the hand that rocks the cradle and I totally get it you know when you have when you're in a car you somebody cuts you off you just go racial yeah you know you got all that's the only information you can use or that's a woman that's an Asian guy I fucked them I go racial when I'm meditating yeah so it just got really heated then I did that whole thing where I'm like what the hell was that I'm on the train like you

know when you're you kind of amped up you're like damn that sucked I should have said this I should have said that God I hate this guy and I think a lot of people assume that if you're a honky you just have a ton of money to just burn you know like he's probably some kid from a bad neighborhood or whatever he's like here you go he thinks I'm just like a white guy with with bags of money sure so it was awkward and that was it but boy it got it got heated yeah anytime the city has that feel I live out in the burbs you're very rare that you're having a confrontation right right in the city it finds you yeah it's true and

I've noticed that some days have it like I'll see other people doing it and then I'll have one interaction other guy has one it happens there's something in the moon and the waves and the periods and the sinking something's up right that there what is it the moon is in Gatorade retrograde a retrograde maybe I don't know what that means retro gay is like an old queen yeah I think I've heard something like that but I don't know what that means stars are in retrograde something I don't know I don't know either way this guy hated me and we I felt good because we went back and forth but I feel like I could take it

I feel like we feel like a dork yeah that would be fun you gotta smash his head in the little turnbuckle thing there yeah and then just pop them and then it says insufficient fare you know that would have been fun yeah well well what can you do what can you do but it was the racial thing really gets me yeah it's well how do you think they feel you know sure sure yeah yeah but it's just weird for the that to be the go-to but I get it he didn't know anything else about me he saw my acting probably make fun of my act yeah most people do well well it's glad I'm glad that it worked out there was no jail or I had to tell some fight

or fist or whatever either way I signed the petition what was he trying to sell I was some basketball team or some it's always the basketball you're round basketball going on yeah yeah they like to be ball and sometimes you'll see a guy it's like 38 he's like could you help my school's basketball like what yeah what special needs what's going on there was the one guy I don't see anymore that had no hand he was the coach they all call him coach you know that guy coach he was an older guy Phil Jackson I haven't seen him in a while no he's got like he's missing his thumbs or his toes or something he's missing something is he the

burn victim not that guy that's Felix oh wow you know everybody Felix and Times Square yeah what's going on you guys having a silent read meet up well is this Felix is the guy with yeah he's burned out he's in time there's no arms and is a sign attached to his neck yeah with photos of him in a fire yeah that guy must clean up oh yeah don't get me wrong I mean I feel horrible for the guy but they got a he might be breaking in six figures now he looks bad like he you could tell he's burned there's no if fans are but like some guy can throw on a floppy hat and a rope on his ass and he's like oh I'm homeless but you're like

are you homeless I saw you with a flip phone two days ago yeah Felix is the real deal okay he got tuned up somewhere he looks like the guys in the red is the last arc oh yeah you know just a little melty the Nazis yeah that's the one oh should we do the thing the oh again we got a special request yeah not a request folks this show is you know it's not it's not free just doing this business oh you got that right god is it blue oh it's blue and she's underwear did you get those things in the mail I did I want to talk about that first and foremost this episode is brought

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yeah so my point being with the the car the clipboard guy yes the triggering you know that you know you always hear white guys go like what you can't say anything that would hurt me I'm a white guy yeah I don't have that no it's ridiculous yeah I crushed easily by the whole racial thing well I think yeah I think there's not like a slur particular there's not like like the n-word you could just say the n-word and a whole thing starts yeah I think there's no buzzword like if just like hockey you wouldn't be like what I guess I'd be like this guys might be racist yeah but I wouldn't be like right right ancestors yeah you would

there's not like a word that's right has so venomous yes yes yeah we don't have that no and kudos to them for flipping it to turn endearing or whatever yeah I think that might have been prior who kind of started doing that I don't know it seems like it maybe in the main street like the hip-hop they get credit but I feel like prior was doing it wasn't Cosby he was doing other things no he was a bad person all right so yeah what do you got there Fatty Mcdiddled well I got no notes because it's been a weird few weeks I haven't been taking the pod note because I was kind of off and it was the holidays we talked a little bit about

the holidays and such I just did Omaha Nebraska with Louis what you talked about I saw parasite love that everybody's raving about the only guy on earth who hasn't seen no I'm saying I'm talking to people haven't seen Craig Stone hasn't seen it Sean Donnelly hasn't seen it Sarah has everyone I'm talking to hasn't seen it Shane Gillis certainly hasn't but so I went out to I'll tell about New Year's Eve so I've been off last year was my first New Year's Eve I took off good for you and so I decided to take New Year's Eve off this year as well and I was feeling guilty because I skipped Christmas with my

family I went out with Sarah's family which we talked about first Christmas away from home so I thought I'll fly straight home the 26th yes go be with the family and like I said I took I'd show my niece scream I took my nephew to the Celtics game and all that good oh yeah we talked about the retarded nephew yeah so then New Year's Eve we got the whole game so I'm like I don't know what to do I'm all I know is I'm gonna stay home with my parents sure so we do New Year's Eve we all go bowling timber lanes in Abington Massachusetts very wholesome now have you ever heard a candlepin bowling or we've done it together in

Vancouver oh yeah I forgot about that old-school thing most people have no idea what the hell this is with the little ball it's fun because those big balls get a little little rough on the fingers and they heard all this whole farm area I haven't held a jerk and I've been using the oral beat brush right right ditto so we go to the little ball bowling which is a whole situation it's very Boston yes up there it's hard to find big ball bowling very New England so this little ball ball it's a tiny little ball like a shot put you can just throw it over hand if you had to oh yeah so we get the whole gang there's

like 30 people my cousins my uncle their kids the other kids and I got a call the bowling alley and it's like classic Boston bowling alley I love it it's I wish I had it recorded because everything called cosmic bowling that's when they play the disco and they have a disco ball and they play smoke and the whole thing I love it and so I we don't love the cosmic bowling it's dark and it's loud and I like to hear people talk sure all very funny so I want to be funny together right and I hate disco yeah disco stinks so I call I go hey is there New Year's Eve can we the websites old as shit you gotta go to the website and

it's just slow and it makes noises and like TMI here to horrible website so I call the guy and I go what's going on with New Year's Eve and he goes I go is it cosmic bowling goes what you want cosmic bowling I don't know let me talk to Martha hold on one second he puts the phone down I just hear like the pins of the background it's like 20 minutes he comes back he's like it's cosmic bowling from seven to nine three to five you gotta make a reservation but you better just come in go to the website and I it was like this crazy conversation back and forth up and down over and out yep so we click on the website we reserve

four to six my dad gets an email saying all right you got a reservation for two to four mm so like let's just stop by there we're going to drive in past it we go in there now it's a big fat lady that looks exactly like a bowling alley I mean a bowling ball oh really she got three holes yeah her asshole vagina and mouth just look like the holes right she's round and smooth and has been cleaned yeah it's weird colors and so I go hey we made a reservation from four to six but then it says two to four and she's like there's no four to six there's two to four and there's five to seven I go on the website said four to six and

she goes well I better get Eddie over here yeah and so I go don't don't get Eddie what tell me what could you look at the reservation she goes I can't look up the reservation Eddie has to look up the reservation here we go so finally we just go so it sounds like two to four so we make our plans two to four yada yada now my Christmas gift to my parents was to bring them to Newbury port Massachusetts lovely seaside town up in Massachusetts I get them a hotel Sarah and I go up there it's like a double date with my folks yeah we swapped wives it was wild but we go up there and Newbury ports a fine town if you're ever up

there we got a nice hotel the garrison in it's like an old sleigh abolish what do you call those guys at the bellum what now he was probellum oh shit he was an abolish miss NIST oh oh and a ball a slave abolisher he was against slavery Frederick Douglass what do you call it an abolitionist abolition now originally yeah that's a different kind of how do you say that word and a boy he wanted a lot of slavery yeah that hipster Appalachian's apple an abolish NIST just tell me Apple see I don't know how to say this word abolished yeah but he's a guy that is for it I think it's embalment fuck me abolisher yeah

something like that he's a good guy can't think of it damn it everyone's screaming at the podcast what are you doing all right we got it we got to tell the whole story here Jesus hey Jadal basically there's a documentary filming us it's throwing the whole thing off I hate myself all right an abolitionist abolitionist I think I got I think that's it is that it yeah I think you got he's an abolitionist yeah I might not be right Colin I think that sounds like something we got a crew here is that sound like anything I'm getting a thumbs up the crew okay hopefully the boom mics not in the frame yeah the boom mics no

big deal geez what is this Merv Griffin and 78 Dr. Zoom and the Sonic boom yeah that was the band of what famous artist before he got big Dr. Zoom and the Sonic boom oh George Clinton incorrect you got one more guess I move on big guy big guy huge guy all right I will say huge no Bruce Springsteen damn the boss anyway so we go up to Newberry Port beautiful day beautiful time but the weather is horrific it's ice and snow and wild but it kind of made it fun you know we're all in it together we're like this is a horrible day for a vacation we're walking around it's slippery and slappery right and but we had a good time we

went to the bar beautiful bar we had dinner my parents got sauce we played cards all night really bonded with the folks sounds great nice Christmas gift they really enjoyed it just a great time in the next morning went to like a bakery we got these huge cinnamon rolls and doughnut and you know what everyone just gives into it you're like we're gonna eat yes so we're eating all the shit we're laughing we're making fun of the other family members we drive all the way back now it's New Year's Eve that was New Year's Eve Eve right drive all the way back we got reservations at the bowling alley we think so my

cousins and uncles they start driving in from all over they bring their all their kids sleeping bags the whole thing a huge slumber party look at this now the bowling alley is from two to four midnight's at eight I mean I've been midnight eight hours later is what I meant I see so we go bowl and it's sold out kids everywhere just wild with the bars over so my family's hunking up at the bar we're going back and forth from the bar the kids are bowling it's wild it's fun and then they do a countdown at 4 p.m. 4 p.m. because they kicked you out so they do two to four then they do five to

seven then eight to midnight so you can come and have your New Year's Eve so you had two countdowns that day well I'm getting the boy so two to four so it's four it's three fifty nine and fifty eight seconds whatever they do a big countdown we're all wearing glasses and goggles and the whole thing I buy everyone party favors sure this guy I'm such a sucker with the kids and everything sure this big fat bowling guy comes over with like goggles and a hat they're blinking he's like these are on sale and I was like you got me that's all it takes I go over I throw down a 50 I'm like give me all the goods I want

noisemakers confetti goggles glasses the tie that spins fun uncle Hitler mustache is the whole thing yeah French tickler so I started handing them out to all the kids I'm like there you go take that here's a pair of pumps and a tube top the whole thing yes yes shake weight so they do the countdown and it's so fun because everyone gets because the kids are gonna be in sleep by then aha so we do a ten nine happy new year I make out with my mother I figure my dad it's wild yeah dad we have a great thing we leave we all go back to the house and we start playing games then we have a huge there's this game that's like you don't

connect for remember that I love connect for there's a connect for now beer pong balls you gotta bounce a ball into it what it's really fun it's like a drinking game but it's also for kids all right you know so we set that up I set up a 16 person tournament okay because the whole family's there's so many people there so we get the big brackets I got a it's a it's a double elimination I got a losers bracket the whole thing yeah and I'm like the the commissioner of the whole tournament all right yeah the commission so we set the whole thing up it's while everyone's going crazy rooting each other on we got all these rule the whole

family's involved fun to best time of my goddamn life yeah and then I end up winning the tournament all right by the way double in elimination I went undefeated nobody even came close wait a minute that looks a little fishy we got the commission winning the whole thing something's rigged well we drew numbers to go with the brackets to pick the seeds see we just pick the numbers and I'm a dominant athlete so okay feels a little sloppy well whatever I win I mean George Bush he ran the Rangers and won the presidency yeah but he also cheated out old what's his name damn gore gore he was apparently he had more votes yes

that's true ah only one election has a Republican won the popular vote since 1988 oh but I digress yeah Bush oh for what time anyways so we do the whole tournament I win the thing and too much to my surprise my dad pops out with a big trophy he made a truck out of a beer can aluminum foil and like some kind of weird dish oh it makes the trophy hands it to me I start to do a fake cry I take my glasses off I give a big speech everyone's clapping it's like a whole it's like Oscar night yes we finished that I put the thing down and Sarah's like it's only 720 oh we still got four and a half

hours oh my god so like what are we gonna do now you gotta drug the kids get them out of there yeah so we do the whole thing and just then Sarah gets a call from her sister-in-law and I don't want to get to into this but it turns out her father has passed away new year's eve night right in the middle of the party oh my lord and so of course we just start sobbing I gotta like sneak her off into my bedroom sure and this is I only bring it up because it's like such a crazy life death visualization this party the pinnacle of fun everyone's going crazy the kids are on the pool table everyone's going wild we go in

there and of course again it's like I don't want to get to into the thing but it's it's devastating we talk about life and death and love we're hugging we after like three hours of this or four whatever it is I'm like let's go get a different let's get a change of scenery this is like we got a move to the living room we come out pitch black empty house it was the ultimate way what do you mean everyone's gone everyone's like all right we gotta leave now of course they're like what are we gonna do have a party with third in the other room we're gonna watch a movie we could console I mean there's 35 people it's a small house

you've been to that house tiny house there's no nowhere to go and everyone's bummed right so we come out and it's just pitch black there's like no not a sound not a peep and have never had a moment more of like I didn't realize how much fun I was having where you're like oh that was the best time of my entire life because when you're in it you're still kind of like what are we gonna do after this and tomorrow I gotta catch a train the whole thing and then something like that happens and you're like gee whiz that was fun really fun well they say you don't realize something till you lose it you know right so boy is that

true we came out and there's like 1152 at this point for a moment we turn on like ABC and we're like we can't watch this this is too much we put on freaks and geeks I had the DVD that I bought for my knees we watched an episode of that and then at like 1204 so I was like by the way happy new year the clock point so we do like a 1204 smooch but we were so grateful that we had the 4 p.m. countdown so we got some countdown which was nice and then of course had to book the flight back to Houston the next morning we wake up and then you go and it's got to be two flights it's a thousand bucks by the way the bereavement fare

fuck these airlines is that a myth 10% oh 90 bucks you delta my father-in-law passes her father my father-in-law special person $90 wow I got great thanks thanks a bundle for the 90 bucks out of a thousand brutal brutal so we died you cunts we go to fly back to Houston we're in Boston sitting there I mean we can't stop crying it's just as brutal thing you just got to be like there's nothing you could say yeah they're crying and of course they come on we're about to board folks we have first class we got the upgrade wow folks we got a fucking bathroom issue or whatever mechanical issue yeah flight will be

delayed an hour and a half now we have a layover in Minneapolis we're gonna miss the layover so now I gotta call three hour delay so now we're just at Logan now I'm just enraged almost worse than the death brutal so we end up yada yada yada long story short we get to Minneapolis for the layover that's what we had the McDonald's which felt good to just be late that was like our boozing yes right let's black out here on some McFlurry's but we get to Houston and then this is the part where it's like this weird sweetness to somebody passing away is like you fly home and we had just been there she was there two days earlier I

was there five days earlier and you're like hello again yeah and then her mother and both her brothers pick us up at the airport and we got there quick huh what do you mean well it was the next day right next morning yeah we're supposed to get there like three in the afternoon yeah New Year's Day we're talking here that's impressive New Year's Day and by the way we've been gone for two weeks we're supposed to go home so that's there's also that thing of like fuck like you think you're going home and then you fly back and then her sister flew in and then you're all back in the house and it's so strange because

we just had Christmas there a few days earlier a happy Christmas with everyone alive beautiful Christmas and the great Christmas and and her dad kept saying this is the first Christmas I've had where everybody's been here because like her sister brought her boyfriend I came her nieces his grandkids were there the whole gang and he kept talking about it and so grateful I decided this year to not go to my parents house and it was a glorious Christmas and the the what I remember is the end of the night I was sitting we had a fire in the backyard because Houston's was like 70 degrees but we had a nice big fire and I was

sitting at the Christmas table with him and his wife of 49 years and he turned to her was like what a great Christmas that was a great Christmas that's what it's all about and so that was beautiful we got so I have that lasting was he sick moment he was 75 he had something called Graves disease which my dad has but he takes medicine for it but his was like unnoticed or whatever he also was diabetic and he had triple bypass and he's 75 and he's a big guy and it's like in that life expectancy area so you know 75 is a solid run when you really bring it all down great run and him and I had been talking a couple days early

because he's been sick and he was just talking you know you're putting your life in perspective and he was like I got no regrets and he's from South Africa he's like the greatest accomplishment of my life was getting out of South Africa with the kids apartheid and he was you know proud American great guy and a real role model husband husband father loved his kids they told a story but one time his wife was like we should go hang with some friends he's like we talked we got friends here we made our own friends there you go but his kids we created friends I love hang with the kids wish my parents were like that I feel the same

way great dad good dad my parents are great great people but he was a great guy trophy made me a trophy well he made a trophy for the winner and happen to be me baby fucking I'm the man yeah participation but anyway so we went there and strangely we hung there for a few days and there's it's almost like I use the analogy of like 9 11 when you kind of look back at the week after 9 11 party was like that was kind of fun right it was like all the big bands were playing everyone was nice to each other and there's like you had pride there's like this strange part that was like connection a camaraderie yeah so it was

like I said to Sarah's like there's a time when you look back and be like that was like the best week ever even though you're like not the best week ever but you're so sad but we're all hanging telling stories kicking around old times and nothing's expected of you right because everyone's morning we went to the movies together and had some nice meals and some good laughs and a lot of good cries and but and also when I was there I was approaching is like what somebody 75 and sick you're like this might be the last time I ever see this person sure so when we were leaving and you know what he's on an emotional you

don't want to get too emotional with your father-in-law so I just gave him a good handshake and said thanks for everything all right and so I gave him a nice thanks for everything in that you had us here you fed us but it was also like thanks for you raised my daughter the whole thing you're a role model to me so I got to go out on that note you know yeah good for you and but boy it was rough it's still rough but it really makes you think you got to soak it in folks when you got it you got a soak my dad 72 pushing seven I'm going to see them for their 50th wedding anniversary next week and now I'm glad I'm going

wow that kind of mirrors the 50th and he was two weeks shy their 50th anniversary crook I will be fine he seems all right but and then so last week three days ago four days ago my grandmother she died and the set when we were in New Mexico right and that was tough and then what my family wasn't sure what to do and they're cremating her so we didn't have a memorial until Saturday the 11th which happened to be when Sarah's dad's thing was so I missed the day I had to go the grandma we had it's kind of like when Sarah and I had late nights on the same night we had funerals on the same day wow which is pretty wild that's cooking

it was like live aid I wanted to film and like satellite into her right but so we were like checking in you're like how's your memorial pretty good how's yours not bad yeah I'm good could it be you know the answer the weird thing is there's part of it my grandmother too you had all these they put together these photo collages and all these all these things and bodies out there two of my uncles are firemen and ones in the Air Force well he's in the fire department and in the Air Force you have all these like old firefighters there and there's comedians there and there's the Air Force guys there and it was pretty pretty

beautiful it's nice to see the whole life in photos and in stories and all that bullshit yes well you've had a lot of death in the past couple anals a lot of death and our friend big Al his mother just passed away too so yeah a lot of death but it makes you whatever and I said to Sarah that that pain you feel all the crying and the sadness and the devastation it's just that's all love right you're just missing the person it's both two sides of the same coin yeah and if you want to go scientific and gay when you cry your body floods you with like endorphins all this after so it makes you feel back up so you actually

feel better after you get sad yeah there's a weird party that's like man I felt nice it's kind of like your lady beating off all day sure you got a nice all-day cry it's like it's like whacking one off her vagina was really sobbing but yeah so it's been a hell of a hell of a whatever a few days and Sarah just got back last night and it's nice to have her back and then tomorrow or today if you're listening we're going down to Nashville to go see Brandy Carlyle at the Rhine so that'll be a motion but that's gonna be something oh you're gonna be weeping so willow just gotta say oh geez yeah we're gonna start rapping on

our faces here but gotta say Vancouver flew in flew out two days there three days two and a half days what a great city such a great comedy club great staff all the crowds were great except we added a show so we had a midnight show on Saturday okay and you get you got a midnight show that's a lot of time for people to drink sure you get the whole day got most of the night and the cutoff there's like 130 so these people are getting them in yeah I'm just doing jokes I can see people like clink clink shot shot shot like god damn it so this one guy is doing this one front row to the right I'm going so I got a got a

office chair office yeah yeah I got a shoe on shoe oh and I go I go hey shut up and then the the staff is good there they chime in they go hey they're doing this to the guy okay he's so he's in a blackout and this is the worst part I go hey I lose it I go hey what the fuck is wrong with you what do you think you're doing I go I go full serious like like a dad yeah I go do you think you're helping what is it I just snap on the guy and he goes I'm a Tuesday and I went the whole crowd goes oh I was like you're part of the problem you don't get you don't want to talk about this on Tuesday you idiot God I hate you and they

threw him out sometimes the booze is just too much for people too much I feel that way like talk to us before product at Pearl Jam shows there's like a guy be like and he's got a tattoo in the shirt but you're like you just got too drunk what do you think's gonna ruin the thing that you are supposed to love exactly you're ruining the magic and the fun part was and this might have been bad of me to do but he gets thrown out but the wife stays and so I just shit on the guy to his wife for like 10 minutes oh that's fun yeah I was like how do you marry that guy I hope you don't have children she's like we have to and the

whole crowd goes ah great so that was exciting but man that guy sucked and I hope you hear this and get a fucking get a tolerance will ya yes learn how to drink a beer I can lose it but thanks for support the show yeah just kidding I mean to call you lose it now you're a nice kid and your wife's even better thank you so this doesn't even come out tomorrow this comes out the next week is that right I think we recorded one last Wednesday that one hasn't come out yet I'm confused yeah yeah so I think you're hearing this if you're hearing this I already went to Brandy Carillo all right and that guy's already killed so I

think it's the 21st all right anyways so plugs yes yeah I'm doing another fat black pussy cat a bunch of Tuesdays came out last night by the way February January 26 11 p.m. I'm just running my album so it's gonna be all material probably heard before run that out don't but yeah it's the 26th of January fat black pussy cat 11 p.m. and then February Omaha funny bone I was just there I'm back February 6 7th and 8th and then I'm doing Ann Arbor comedy showcase February 27 28 and 29 there's a couple Louis dates in there also and then March is a big one Plano Texas would imagine it's gonna be rough her it's a

little rough I guess I heard it's the best hyenas oh really I thought it was I heard it was the worst oh shit maybe I'm wrong oh boy different info but I'm going to hyenas in Plano Texas March 5th through the 7th comics at Mohegan Sun March 12th to the 14th little Steve Rogers big dick will be there nice and then the belly room at the comedy store March 16th come out to that show and of course Skankfest and Vegas first week of April March mad yes and I'm missing for the first time since 1994 Pearl Jam is touring and I'm missing it wow I'm doing Melba I'm going to Melbourne festival I didn't know that yeah well I just booked

that one regret it because the pearl the Pearl Jam dates that fucking week I have seen them so I know I do I've seen them 43 times you've beaten your age but Vegas and Melbourne if you're living in Melbourne people have been asking me for years I'll be at that festival and of course a moon tower crazy April I got Vegas Melbourne Worcester Austin Royal Oak skanks yeah that's in March yeah oh yeah Skankfest the whole thing so and join the Patreon maybe we'll do a bonus if we can oh that's a good idea alright I'm all over the road as well thanks for coming out to Tampa I'm coming at LA doing the

dynasty typewriter we added a show I'm gonna film a little thing so come out to that support hoot and holler don't get too drunk and then I'm in Lafayette yeah the hall is it a holiday in I don't know what that is a double tree I think it's a double tree because you get a cookie yeah it's a hell of a play yes it is a double tree with Jason Leonard good egg then the comedy store La Jolla Gotham comedy club hometown come on in that hometown what do you call the town I live in local I don't know st. Louis let's please come out to that one that said he can really kick me in the ass Royal Oak Michigan Aloha comedy in

Hawaii hell yeah Zany's in Nashville laughing skull Atlanta stress factory in Bridgeport and in New Jersey Vegas with the the fat man and moon tower skanks funny bone Des Moines and Zany's in Chicago and May so we got a lot of books on the date or dates on the book and hug your family folks because they're gonna die and you're gonna die and we're all gonna die yeah and soak it in so yeah thanks for listening yeah thank you guys we love you appreciate it please