Tuesdays with Stories! - #335 Surprised Lunch

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

Mark and Joe get into this and that before Joe see's a woman get her coat stolen before he spends a while in a Whole Food's bathroom. There's some good stuff in here. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy you know we're spitting at me golly hell here we are folks I'm back you're back couple of hacks

was that that song go remember that song back Jack do it again that one no no you know gack gack gack gack no that's not a joke who needs a house out in hack and sack you can yeah don't talk back oh yeah that was the one take out the papers and the trash oh you don't get no spending cash yeah I could he act don't talk back those were big there was a kid you would go all day doing those yeah that was a stand by me soundtrack mailbox baseball the whole thing right keep a subtle and boy is he hot you think oh my god well I've told the story before I think for key for what do you think Donald's hot no I don't think

either of them are that hot I think keeper is a little more put together he's got a quaff and a suit on keepers hot I've had this conversation before I talked about this I think on bonfire but no one listens to that garbage I was on I was did the first riot festival I think it's called in LA yeah LA riot oh I just put that together oh you didn't know a riots it's it's kind of like every kiss begins with K one day go huh yeah but LA riots isn't that a negative yeah I mean aren't we maybe a festival after a horrific time in a history or whatever black beating a Rodney King Korea town oh yeah that goes Koreans get up there with

the elephant gun and they didn't fuck around no Koreans don't fuck with people well I think they got the North Korea thing it's in the blood same with Israel all these places with a bunch of people around that want to kill them I guess the blacks here in America you just start going no way sister no I mean that that bodega or 711 that's their livelihood that they came here on a on a bamboo raft and they go I'm starting a a quickie mart and that's it you can't raft from Korea that's too far well cube is 90 miles Korea is like 7 000 months they're a versatile efficient

people bamboo is very strong that's true bamboozled aha um Lee is that a film bamboozled he's black that's not a spike lead joint I believe it is I thought bamboozled was like Catherine Zeta Jones and the devil or something what's that one that's entrapment isn't there a Catherine Zeta Jones where she's the devil or she has devil horns it's called bedazzle or something oh no that's Elizabeth Hurley what's that one with Brendan Frazier it's called yes devils in your asshole yeah yeah in you devils in the details I don't know

devil is Prada now that's another chick dick then is before the devil knows you're dead that's a Philip Seymour Hoffman with Marissa Tomei's boom booms in there yeah boy she's a hot number cute gmilf I believe she's a grandmother now gmail gmilf she's a grandma I believe so wow well she's gotta be 78 no Tomei let's see my cousin Vinnie we're looking at a early 90s 91 92 maybe a little bit late yeah maybe 92 I would say and then maybe she was 30 then and that's coming on 30 years ago so maybe

she's 60 60 I'd go 60 plus I'll say between 59 and 61 she's not a ute no she's no ute the two utes they were close I don't understand the question she was so hot on that I had a mini little boy boner during that movie hell yeah but anyways I was at the LA riot festival oh yeah and then we all went to a bar in downtown LA and we're hanging out and the after parties there and the Emmys were that night or the Tony some some bullshit

Tonys are here so what's been the Emmys and Keith for Sutherland showed up in his tux oh and he's playing pool wait I was with you were you there yes I remember him showing up and playing pool at some downtown bar yeah downtown bar he's playing pool he's got his jacket off he's got suspenders oh that's hot and he's smoking a cigarette I don't think he could smoke indoors at that point if you're hot enough and he was like running the table and pool is a sexy sport because he had the knees bent and his ass out and I was look I was drinking in these days and I was

looking at his ass and his face sure and he kept the cigarette in his mouth like this and he kept calling his shots he had the bow tie loose in the suspenders and it point over here with the cigarette and then it just nail it and there's all these guys like who like around them following on you know and and the thing that was crazy was that it all became a package of sexy sure and the Emmys or whatever was still on the tv oh so he did his thing and and left oh and they're over in Hollywood now

downtown LA is nowhere near the scene no no so downtown LA then it was is garbage now it's becoming hip again or whatever maybe not again but now but it's still skid row and hip but this guy had the tux in the five o'clock shadow and he bailed on the show to come play pool in a bar and oh yeah man I was fucking hard as a rock well when you put it all that's that jizz in the gumbo it gets a lot hotter and I didn't know about the Emmys and the coming over and the tux and I was I think I was in a blackout by

this point but I remember him bending over and thinking about his ass yeah it was something I mean I could pull up some photos see I wish we had Shelby but maybe on the YouTube we can stick a sexy but he's a sexy guy maybe sexy but you went handsome out of the gate I think he's handsome let me pull up a photo all right pull up a photo because I don't know if he's handsome traditionally well now he's a little doughy and puffy because I think he's a boozer or something yeah yeah so he's got a puff to him oh yeah but I'd say he's hot and I don't

think he's been on tv in eight years since 24 so I don't know what he's doing these days I think he's just eating himself to death look at that come on that's uh that looks like you're your landlord this is pop but look it right here come on all right well that's a 38 year old photo that's what I'm saying look at that can we can we zoom in on this do we have a shot of that I don't know this is on the YouTube folks that's hot white he's got a hair hair gel going I don't know I don't feel like you're reaching here he's got a squoof look at that oh no he looks like a country western douche

well he's been sitting young guns okay all right well either way he's hot who do you like who do I like you know I like is that Oscar Isaac yes he's hot he's something I got eyes for him he's like five one though I I hear I met him one time he was at the louis show at the garden he was wearing a star wars hat which I found off putting oh nerd alert I don't know if it's more embarrassing or less embarrassing that he's in the film I think more like you really need to have the star wars advertising I think they're doing

all right yeah it's a little embarrassing it's like the beach boys singer he wears a beach boys hat ooh and you know what are you doing I mean it's one thing to wear this t-shirt of the concert but you're in the concert yeah if you were a full house shirt maybe but ah I saw Stamos with uh Brian Wilson one time he's a guy we could both agree we'd go down on it oh yeah I'd suck his dick and he was pussy at the same time get that greek yogurt out of that shlong yeah I'd lift those balls and put my tongue right in his asshole

but anyways yeah I don't even know what started this whole thing keifer LA keifer ah where's that one been well it's uh good to be here this is a weird one because this is our second one this week and it's evening time this is like it feels late it's dark out there right how'd you I'm on no sleep it's okay well I've been PMing I've been doing a PM party and I know I should be taking Benadryl instead a lot of people I appreciate the concern sure a lot of people say the active ingredient PM is

the Benadryl so you don't need the liver damage right right that's a whole different bottle you gotta go buy another bottle also that liver is uh quite resilient they're like Koreans they can really take a beating yeah I really think one Tylenol PM cannot be worse than four beers no it's probably the equivalent of one beer yeah when you're combining the two which I used to do to go to bed after a long bender that's bad news yeah well I used to take Vicodin and 75 drinks so my liver damage has been done this is like

nothing yeah yeah your liver's all right I mean think about like a Burke Chrysler he's still going that liver can do a lot yeah I think I remember this is a one for Tuesdays with facts but I believe the liver is an organ a resilient organ it makes a comeback yeah uh rejuvenates aha it's like Madonna re-invents yeah but she's about done rejuvenating that face is yucky she ain't a virgin it hasn't had a hit since I don't know 93 or something yeah like a prayer

hmm that's my favorite song or hers I like that one take me there wow yeah that one's fun oh yeah I like a lot of them true blue holiday all that shit Prince's uh his hits are that good when you really look at them I was never a prince guy I think we want to talk about this recently oh shit I was not into the prince scene and it was it blew my mind when like Pete Townsend was like he's a genius I was like he is I had to go back I think he's a talent I think he's a good musician but I think his hits are just kind of easy and cheesy

yeah diamonds and pearls sucks yeah and uh raspberry beret it's very blonde simple I like 1999 purple rain is fun some of the stuff is great but uh no it's not not my not my cup no no same not my cup of jizz but uh he was a cute guy he had a great ass I think he was mixed by racial yeah yeah I think so he's not straight black I don't know if he's uh straight black he's gay black I think yeah yeah he's a flat black I don't know if he's full black he looks like you know he looks like he's the color of like when your mother made the chocolate milk and you're like this is

way off you gotta put six more squirts in there yeah because they tried to conserve because they were buying the squirts right so my mother would be like I made you some chocolate milk and I'm like this is Prince you gotta go get me Michael Jackson 78 yeah give me blood diamond I want minute bowl right you know I'm gonna fucking feel high after this oh yeah what's that ugly guy that super black guy with the bulging white eyes he's always a bad guy oh the meeps and the sweeps the comedian no no no no he's fat ugly oh shit oh he's in predator predator Carl Weathers no the other guy the other

black guy bulging ugly black guy he's a character actor he's never the big big hit but man is Sam Jackson Morgan Freeman no no predator Idris Elba no he's hot Denzel no I would have known that one I mean he's not in predator that's all the black actors all right who's the other one Cuba Gooding jr god Tuesdays with anal Colin Shelby Colin you know if you saw him ugly guy hideous man big fat face and lip and eyeball what else is he in just one eyeball a couple I gotta pull him up now I gotta pull up by a

we gotta get a producer back here Shelby you gotta drag your old bones down here and help us out for god's sakes black guy predator ugly black you gotta get Cosby Cosby on time magazine that's a zing right there uh predator yeah up all right the people are screaming at the uh nobody knows this guy's names right now I guess I'll put ugly because it's gonna be all Carl Weathers who's a very handsome guy remember that handshake with the guns the the the muscle oh yeah well running on the beach the slow motion thing that didn't really make sense to train for a fight but that was you could jerk off to that too I don't know if that's gonna work with that shit just look up predator and then hit cast

oh good call I put ugly black yeah that's I mean there's you know whatever it's all Danny glove because he was in two there he is oh my god it was the first one that guy oh yeah he is ugly he looks like Pennywise yes he's black Pennywise he is wow what's his name there's gonna be a name down there uh shit Mack Elliott Mack Elliott there you go folks maybe Bill Duke hold on Bill Duke sounds like a poop that sounds like a character I bet Mack Elliott's his actor name and Bill Duke is his right what the hell's this guy's name where are they now shit where were they then give me a name I think that says Mack Elliott you know you can do you can do that reverse google you know about

that no what's that sounds like a sex move so you can take a photo this is how you figure out if you're being used as a thing as a gif no when they use you as a troll what do they call that thing with a linebacker from Notre Dame the Hawaiian guy Samoan fish catfish cat people use your picture to catfish you can take an image if you're on your lap you can do it on your phone but on your laptop computer someone told me this you can take an image and drag it into the google bar and it'll show you where that picture came from uh so you take your photo and stick it in the google thing and it'll come up somehow or something like that someone can fix this okay it's bill duke bill duke look him up that away dukey bill that guy's uh it looks like a

mic stand he is pretty dark yeah what's his middle name looks like a there you go looks like a duke uh Duke of Earl and what's his extended last name I took yeah it looks like a duke I took all right that was uh we'll edit that out maybe his uh the last name's got an e duke e dukey all right great album decent album yeah decent I love that I do too um all right let's get into it let's uh suck each other's dips and see who comes yeah all right I think we both will if we do it right but what would you that must be weird for 69ing with another guy because one of you has to blow a hot load first oh yeah and then you get the right time the tailpipe you okay sorry I got some semen yeah reflux um that's the thing about

I don't know how you feel about beaches but I enjoy them but do you get off usually oh yeah really well it takes some time well I don't want to get too graphic as I have a wife of course but I feel bad because in regular conversation my wife has put it out there that she does not enjoy giving a BJ she's yeah I think that's pretty standard so I think some love it this is one of the things that her and I argue about uh-huh I'm telling you I'm telling her I'm like I've dated girls that loved sucking dick it's like no they just want to be liked and I'm like well how do you explain me I love eating pussy uh-huh and I don't care if you like me or not I just want to eat your pussy and also you have more experience with getting your dick sucked that's true uh-huh

she doesn't like I'm like what are you never had it yeah well she's got friends she can talk to true but she does have friends that enjoy sucking dick but she doesn't believe them she doesn't believe all women uh-huh but hashtag I think some women love gas and D but she doesn't so I it isn't my mind that you're like I know you hate this that takes the enjoyment out of it quite a bit but you know we're there for a reason you know yeah yeah you got a nut but it's not happening often because I'm you know we're married and again this feels too personal of course well but in the past pre-marriage I'll talk openly I loved a good dick suck but in my paxil years of course it was hard yeah that was hard um it was hard but it wouldn't come but there was a lot of

like in the middle of the BJ I'd stop and rifle and jerk it off yeah have her face you know stay close same same so but then you gotta worry about fucking rabbit punching on the face oh yeah you don't want to slip off the the lotion dong there and knock her in the honker yeah which has happened of course oh yeah then you get the uh the old uh strawberry shortcake but my gal and you want to go personal she I don't know if she likes BJ doesn't like me I think she's neutral bead she's like Switzerland with a with a with an oral and she gets real wet while blowing that's amazing I know it's the best of both because I'm getting a bead she's getting moisturized and then we knock it out well that's how I feel with eating a puss like I'm hard as a rock in there and then you flip her over

eat her up from like eating a girl up from behind my dick's never been harder oh that's amazing especially if they're into it I mean most of the time they're not into it they're just bored but if they're into it that's extra hot so you're probably into it when you're getting blown and then she likes that there you go some women find it empowering it's I think some women find empowering and I think some women like I mean I don't know if there's a lot of admitting on this but I think some women like to be a little degraded certainly they're on their knees they got a tutu on and in a black labs matter shirt you go to go to town I'm a woman that loves being degraded I want a girl to sit on my I told you last week the girl would hold my nose shut

and say choke on it and it's I think about it every day I'm watching I'm watching the fucking world news tonight all I can think about is choking on a puss oh that's hot yeah tell me later who that was all right I'm thinking Judy gold that would be a hell of a strangulation yeah that'd be too tall bird faces really pecking yeah you don't want that I feel like I have a loose tooth after that um but yeah see but you're kind of play you don't like a bj or you're just no bj is where I feel like I've become like a lady let me explain please um you know girls are like yeah whatever sex I've got to be into it I've got to be in the right mind state to jizz for me with sex I can just pound away and get off but with a beach I got to be in the right mindset much like a woman

does with sex I'm like that with sex I feel like I'm more like that than my wife like she's got we got nine vibrators she chooses her favorite one whatever one's starting that day sure and horse race yeah she sticks it on there I fuck she thinks of someone else and boom we fuck I need something I gotta be so I'm a stripper and then she came in she just broke up or whatever usually I'm like I'm out of real me is out of town and I'm fucking uh you know the fireman that came over to save the cat and sure she was lying about the cat and so I hold her down and slam one in her you know yeah I need I'm a I'm a fantasy guy oh yeah see I feel too silly going hey I'm a Puerto Rican today oh I don't say it it's all up here it's all in the head oh so you don't even

she's not even in on it no you're noggin if she watches this I'm fucked oh wow I don't want her to know I'm Tim the tool man whoa is she Al Borland holy hell Binford she's Wilson I cover her face with a fence post you paint it boy that show stunk oh it was the number one show in America for I don't know six years Tim Allen stinks stinks he's not great I'm sure he's a nice guy he seems like a cool guy I'd probably love hanging out with I hope he never sees this that would suck oh he's off on a pile of money fixing a car or something I just hate the heart I just thought it was so silly and it was a duct tape bit and the men are pigs don't get into the duct tape I hate the duct tape it wouldn't have that kind of time the only bit of his I remember is uh his wife's like

you gotta clean the house while I'm gone I want you to vacuum and he's like yeah yeah whatever and his wife come home she's like how come he didn't vacuum he goes I did she goes wear the vacuum tracks and he goes I must have sucked him up that was his big man I remember that as a kid going on that's something well I remember the uh women cut the grass men mow the lawn I don't get it it's just the euphemism or a different stay but you're doing the same activity it's one of those bits that sounds like a bit but certainly isn't a bit yeah he cut the grass we mow the lawn right we fucking the ass they finger the butt or whatever it's just like ah homo is fucking the ass gays make love in the ass right it's the same thing

you just changed the the the speech pattern sure how about this so this was fun yesterday I went up to well I saw you yesterday we had a pleasant little lunch surprise lunch that was something I'm spontaneous all right well I know when accused you're not being spontaneous hey you text I come but uh again that's a hell of a formula yeah well that's not easy I went and did uh you know what dude podcast which is out right now I'm sure it was a fun up and uh you've got quite a week you've done a couple twos you did a legion of anal ended on a you know what anal oh yeah just in this one week I've put out enough to cancel me 10 times over oh good for you that's a comic yeah so you know who knows you always all these shows I'm just having a great time then as soon as it

ends I'm like well that's a problem that I think that means you did a good job ironically I'd like to think so but man oh man Lewis like Joe he's like what if we pulled this and can't see I'm like don't even joke don't even put it out there for somebody to do this and I just picture some coups on the other end going beep beep beep beep beep beep oh he said this and they make a chart and they got an excel spreadsheet you said chink goop stick jizz gweef like they got all the numbers and it's all documented and then I just picture you farting in the wrong direction they go here you go I got a vanilla folder full of all the shit I know the thing is that there's so many that you said to be like yeah exactly it's too many to whatever it's like when they go hey I make fun of everybody

yeah that's that old chicken head yeah well that's us I guess but anyways did you know what what happened oh nothing that thing's pretty hot that mic oh is it well should I turn it down that's how we have the thing I don't know how to do it I think Shelby's got to turn some dials and let it lick his lips we don't know what to do we heard a rumor that it cut out for a second last week so now we're precautionary so are you hearing me loud and clear very loud very clear well it's hard to do that because then you can hear actual me like I don't know how to test sound when I'm sitting next to you right you want to you want to do a share no all right oh should I take this one yeah it's a little intimate oh look at us we're like a Hispanic couple on the train yeah I can

hear oh okay yeah pretty good it's weird they sound even I think so although you're hearing I bet is better than mine I got bad ears maybe tubes is it good oh yeah the tubes we've mentioned the tubes for a long time swimmers here Joey Joey look at the tubes this is how it feels like I have to listen to the pod now yeah it sucks I don't want to listen to the pot take it out I'll leave it in for a minute I'll take it out I'll put it in whatever cats it does feel a little intimate to have your ear in my ear oh this is very this is bananas I feel like we're a pre-team couple who's fingered each other but I'm saying your wax is in my wax oh we're waxing poetic what does that mean no idea you don't hear waxing with anything else but poetic

well they're waxing down their surfboards well I'm saying the other waxing philosophically I think I've heard call in if you know about wax yeah I don't know anything about wax turtle wax yeah there's and then there's the wax sex wax pussy wax oh brazilian brazilian wax yes then there's like the wax on stacks wax is what they used to call records oh I like that yeah candle wax vagina candle there's a lot of wax I guess yeah and you get whacked and the mafia and you whack off yeah a lot of wax I haven't whacked in a long time oh I did it before you came ironically before you came to uh huh while you're coming yep any farts I did you know what dude great episode it's up right now we had a really good time I really put a fun button on the end of the episode

which is always good to get the last word love a button and then I was like I'm gonna go to the Waverly diner I had a good episode I'm dealing with some shit I said I'm gonna go have a waffle so I came over the Waverly diner my favorite diner in the wild world I said hey why don't I hit up old Marcus boy it's two blocks away and you popped right over and uh you had two scoops ice cream and I had a big waffle and a sandwich I might add all right we really went rock bottom on that one well here's the thing I was gonna get a bagel english muffin sandwich then you got the ice cream which feels like a waffle it's all sugar it's just they're both the same thing but they give you the hot syrup there the butter I smeared that butter we really went to town over there can I ask you

got your waf without powdered sugar yeah I don't like the sugar I don't like the powder on it first of all there's enough sugar sure the powder is like a I like a powdered donut if I'm eating powder I'll eat powder but don't put powder on another thing it's like powder on a hot dog or something wait wait wait so you can eat on a donut but I don't know waf a waf is a donut well because that it's a powdered donut so that's my thing oh it's just so it's got if it was a powdered waf you might be into it yeah I just don't want a sprinkle of powder on my waf this is all mental you see because the powder there is okay with the powder here's bad well that's the thing I like ketchup on a hot dog but I don't want ketchup on a slice of pizza I know I like ketchup but I feel like a waf

and a waf and a donut or eye to eye this similar one's crispy one's a thing but I like the syrup and I don't like the powder I don't I don't need the powder all right the powder adds nothing sometimes I don't want to put strawberries on there oh I like that you want a strawberry in the waffle hey get lost it's pretty good yeah that's not for me all right so I had the one the day before the waffle damn two days in a row with the waf yeah a couple a couple wafs well this is how I live my life I eat a thing and then I'm like that was good the next day I'm like I was happy yesterday when I did that I'll do that again right yeah it's addiction that's what heroin addicts say yeah for sure but anyways it came over had a nice lunch with uh you we had a nice little talk there

you know he's gonna talk quiet over there though there's always a couple of fruit cups around that guy was listening by the way they're always listening I said a few things and we're very interesting so he goes you know you hear a blurb and you go what the hell was that I want to listen to these queefs but you let you lose track you start talking volume I'm a whisper I know I get passionate I'm like Polly Cicero I'm covering my mouth and whispering I'm sending you Morse code across the table I know I'm like Joe Pesci I'm letting loose these fucking I don't want anyone to know that we're comedians it's right it's brutal the night the day before I was there was one of my comedy on state hoodie and the guy came some old man came by and he was like

is that a comedy club he's like you work there and I had to be like no no I just got a friend that works there don't worry about it get out of here yeah yeah what's shaking Tuesdays this episode is brought to you by blue chew god love that blue chew holy hell I took one last night I'm not gonna lie to you and yee doggy see when I go on the road I come back from uh making money and making yucks and I get in that uber from JFK straight to the house pop of blue chew text the lady I walk in she's pantless bent over and I have penetrate that blue chew is good stuff it doesn't taste horrible it's kind of nice and then like a candy you pop it in and I give it a couple minutes in your heart as a as a cholo in east LA so I get on it folks it's FDA approved

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dollars for shipping come on that's pretty good again that's blue chew dot com blue dash chew dot com promo code Tuesdays try it free blue chew is the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the pod got to love the blue chew but anyways I went up to therapy had a nice therapy sesh but right after I come out you know you're always like the shoveled there it's like getting fucked in the ass there sure and I come out and right as I come out I'd walk out that door on 72nd Street and I just hear stop him stop him and I'm like what it was like it was like Home Alone or like a Jimmy Stewart movie or what this you know homeless guy african-american just painting a photo but I think he's homeless he's got all the photo whatever you do he's got

you know a bunch of satchels and a big purple winter coat with like the fur on it oh yeah and she was this lady was like he's got my coat he's got my coat stop him out of the eighties it's crazy he runs across the street and he's all he's got like you know coats and newspapers and a couple of marshals bags you know he's a mess yeah and he runs across the street and like everyone's looking and you can see the people that are like him like pretending to have this one because I want to help but I just want to and it's hard because like you don't know what to do because it's a african-american fellow right and you know I just tackle the guy and they'd be like wrong guy and you're like oh shit sorry they're uh Curtis and then it's tough because a woman's clothing

it could be a purple coat but a purple coat could be like some cool black guy yeah you never know you could have the wrong coat guy yeah blacks are known to wear purple coats and smoke uh cool mints and the whole thing yeah the whole thing so he's running and everyone's kind of like me and I was I felt good because I'm like I just came from therapy I'm out on this right I can't be part of this I got I just dealt with my dad and the whole thing so my asshole's bleeding lady yeah but she kept she was running but like you know she's like old and just no offense but a lady she was just like oh I couldn't I'm like get the jets baby come on yeah well she's old get those knees up she wasn't old old she was like yeah maybe mid fifties she was probably around Tomei's age

oh wow all right worst hits but I gotta say there's something and we all talk about men and women we're all the same we're all gay whatever it is but you you see a lady going through something and you feel it it's an eight you go I gotta help this whore you know my mom one time we were putting out the garbage away this big backyard when I was a kid and I was like like eight like I'll race you back to the house and she was like all right and she's just face planted on the dirt and seeing your fat mom with her red dumb glasses and her dumb and short haircut the 90s and her dashiki I was like oh mother I couldn't have I went dropped to my knees I prayed to Allah I said help this woman and she was you know they you know mom's moan when they're just went oh I couldn't handle it yeah

too much for a young kid well I had something with Sarah where she was wearing some kind of pump or whatever and she turned an ankle and fell there was ice and she thought she's laughing because she's like oh my god I'm such an idiot I'm like oh my god are you all right and I insulted her because she it made her feel stupid because she's like no we should laugh it's funny I fell but I was like oh my god are you all right should I call a stretcher or you know it hurts as a guy it hits you that's why well like when somebody hits a woman you kind of just like whoa well that I like yeah I guess so that's that's fun it's a fun to watch a Ray Rice repeat every now and then but she was like it was just kind of this weird surreal thing and like everyone stopped like the

craziest part is like look like a painting I looked up and like the whole sidewalk north and south side of the stop it all kind of stood there and then one guy started running after he was like doing this and like he started running and then I saw this one older guy like hide behind a car that was like what because he was gonna pop out oh so he did a pop up but then there was a van double parked and the guy the thief guy he's tried to skirt through between the van the car to kind of like I don't know where the hell he thought he was going but then the older guy blocked that little space all right oldie and so the guy ended up just handing the coat over yeah but then kept walking because people were like call the cops call the police but I think people don't want to

call the police on a guy or whatever so he just walked away and he's an unfortunate street person or whatever I guess but he just kind of walked away and the lady was like thank you everybody like she made an announcement she's like thank you everybody and she got her dumb purple coat back now did he rip it off of her back I have no idea what happened I think maybe she was at a store and maybe she put it down or something or she had it in her hand and he just ripped it yeah I don't know I missed that I literally walked out the door and the first thing I heard no I'm crying my I'm bleeding out of my ass and I just hear oh stop wow that's wild and it was a fun little scene it felt like a movie set it was kind of surreal but it was exciting it's funny to think

though because I always have these dumb fantasies where I want to save the day and tackle a guy but when you're seeing it happen you're like I'm not touching that guy it's the reality hits you no and that and it's like if he was physically attacking her you got to step in or whatever but you're just like I don't give a fuck I know it's not that I don't give a fuck I feel for her but it's like what am I going to do what if this guy has a knife or a gun or he's crazy or he has AIDS right or you know I got the wrong guy or whatever it is yeah or you know he's got a buddy that where the front of the fight he's in the bloods also the coat when you think about it I never thought about before but a coat for a hobo I mean that's up there with like a roof I mean

that's pretty good it's freezing outside it's a fur coat it's purple it's sexy well I'm sure he thinks like the titanic jewels in there or something so he's going for those what's those pockets yeah the old lady right yeah she's stunk but it was it was pretty spicy but I was surprised that people did get involved and tried to help it was pretty good that's some fun street justice I remember when I was a kid I was at uh there was a Bill Rogers running store in Faniel Hall he was like this American runner who would dominate he won the Boston Marathon like every year four years in a row back in the day like we used to be good then these Africans started being like fuck that sure sure they came in and really dominated I think this guy was training

for the marathon uh-huh grab that coat and I saw a fight on the train once and it was this big tall I think Hispanic guy he had the the long hair with the poof you know poof of a ponytail and big guy and he was like going nuts on the train like I'll fight anybody on this thing because he was like manhandling his lady a little bit so every guy was kind of like oh shit we all like stood up like we got to do something here and this little guy this little guy just went like let's do it let's go and they're like on the train and the little guy swung and hit the the middle pole like it caught him right here and then the other guy just beat the shit out of and then it's all these white guys stepped in like alright just break it up like a lot of breaking

it up and then the tall guy was just like I'll fight anybody he's doing like windmills and hitting everybody and he beat the shit out of everybody and we all got up to stop and that was it there's nothing worse than the guy who's like oh towel help and then he gets beat up like that's the big fear yeah that was bad he was little too yeah you're just like I'll help like that happens in hockey a lot the guy that's like you hit my teammate here I come and you're just like oh and they all have to be like good job buddy you tried and you're just like oh it's embarrassing you're better off at that point you're better off not helping and getting away than helping and getting your ass kicked right that is a bad look but I remember I was a teenager in fanio hall at

Bill Rogers store and they were yelling shoplifter shoplifter and he was running it was coming straight at me and the guy's running full speed and it's a hallway it's just me they're like stop that sky and I was like 15 no I must have been 18 actually because I was out of high school so I was going on the commuter rail by myself so damn it I was old I was like an adult male and he was right here and I just thought if I just did this yeah trip so hard and I fucking pushed out I couldn't do it and I had like two seconds to make that decision I was like here we go here we go if I tripped him and what if he got up and was like you I'll remember you because my biggest fear in my life is having someone after you oh you don't want the after I mean

Joe Joe Devola I think about all that shit the idea of a guy I remember in high school there was a fucking bully I just the idea of one guy just like I'll get you oh yeah you can't relax you're always looking over your anal all day long your whole life it's my biggest fear in life is that thing of like all right did you watch the Aaron Hernandez dog I did amazing incredible but that thing when he shot that guy in the face and he lived and he's like I'm not ratting him out I'm gonna find my and then like Aaron Hernandez had to move and buy came right that's my worst fear I'd rather be a closeted gay football man sure then have a guy be like I'm gonna you shot me in the face I'm gonna come get you like fuck me and here's the the clinker is let's say you got some mob

guy after you like some low guy on the mob like I'm gonna come kill you you could kill him first but we're not murderers no they're always gonna win because we don't have the murder gene right so they're always win they'll just shoot you in the face and you could have shot him first but you're not a murderer I had that moment I could have tripped him and I could have saved the day and gotten free sneakers for life or whatever it is but sneakers the guy's not gonna go away for long he just stole a pair of shoe horns all right he's gonna get out of jail and come and find me you know right right well as a shoplifter myself by uh there's a part of me that is rooting for the douche but uh that trip would have been perfect because you saved the day and you probably get

off scott free yeah and I could have even been like I'm so sorry I was my foot is long I got long legs lanky yeah lander fasciitis I am lanky scott free where's that coming from who's scott and what's free how does that work yeah scotch free scotch tape I don't know scott scott's in there it might be a one tee yeah I don't know about scott free there's no scott maybe there's no scottish people oh yeah scottish need not apply I remember that was one of the uh lines in a george carlin book it's time to give credit where credit's due and admit that scotch tape is one of the best inventions ever something like that or it's not getting enough credit but I do remember this is another allen moment therapy thinking about the trip in the guy sometimes it's perspective

because I feel like a coward after that I'm a big coward that was my moment I'm a pussy but I remember we might have talked about this before too but he had a guy where one of his patients or whatever was telling him he's like I just feel like a pussy because when he was a kid there was like a bully on his streets we walked the long way home his whole life and he's like that's like the defining moment of my life I avoided conflict my whole life I walked longer than I had to for my entire childhood and I'm just a big pussy that's how I perceive myself allen told you this yes that's my story but this is uh he's leaking my shit no come on all right all right so then allen said that is illegal by the way well he didn't say the guy's name or whatever

I think he'll be illegal if he's like Ted Bundy came in and said this sure well that you might want to leak well whoever Steve Bundy some Bundy bud um ale but so anyways the clinker yes clink me allen says well I grew up in the lower east side and there was gangs everywhere and to if you were avoided the gangs by walking around you were considered street smart ah he's like so we both did the same thing my perception of myself is I'm street smart right I know I know the streets and I know how to survive I'm a survivalist interesting and you're looking at yourself as a pussy we're doing the same thing it's all perspective perspective yes so it like changed this guy's whole life he's like I'm not a pussy I'm fucking smart wow so maybe I'm just smart for not tripping this fucking

thief well you know it's that old anal you got to just go home after if you trip this guy your life could be completely different he might have popped you in the nose you'd have a broken nose a big hump there like a big fat heave and you know you never know where you'd be exactly you gotta pick your battles and your nose I do that a lot I love a nose pick compulsively I mean I really love getting in there you know what the best nose pick is is when you go up you feel a bug and you just push it up and then you pull your finger out and it's stuck to the sticker yeah the sticker I do that I find my pinky to be my best sticky finger because it's small and you can kind of do half a scoop so you kind of peel and pull and when it's there's nothing better than that moment in life

when your your pinky has been removed from the nostril but the booger is still partly in there so you've found daylight but the booger's so long it's in and out at the same time oh that's rare that's a gift from the heavens that's a nice one yeah that's a long bug and then you pull it out and you give it one of those yep and who knows where it goes that's somebody else that's the next tenant's job you got that right a nice big earthworm I just love ripping it out but you ever hit one on the wall then you find it seven months later you're like boy that thing is hard as a rock and about half the size yeah it's got life it dries out it's like a beef jerky did I tell you uh one time this is so brutal I used to when I was a kid I would take shits I

still do occasionally sure but I'd take do it I'd take shits and then right next to the toilet was the sink and whatever the hell you've been to my house yeah my parents house and I picked the nose and then just put it right here right on the thing and one time my dad you know he said 11 words to me my whole life but I remember he came in and goes you gotta stop putting boogers in the bathroom well he's got a point and I remember just slinking down on the couch and being like come on don't bring up my boogers right right do it gently and I think Ron Reynolds was there and I had to be like I'm sorry not Ronnie and uh now you're the booger man that was so embarrassing and I had to be like I don't think that was me and he's like I don't think you know Deb's putting boogers everywhere

no no no here here's another one that you want to talk about embarrassing when I was a kid I started jerking it pretty young and I would just shoot it on the wall between my bed and the wall like I would just shoot it down in that area yeah and so when we started moving out my dad was like you're slacking you gotta pack your shit up we are moving out of this house and I was like all right I never packed so he came in in a huff one day he's like god damn he's just throwing all my shit in a bunch of boxes and then he goes get the other side of the bed and we just yanked the bed from the wall and it was just this craters of thick jizz wax glue all down the wall it looked like like a stalactites or mites or it looked like an all you know when you go to an Italian restaurant

that's been there for 50 years and the candles have melted into like a whole waterfall of wax sure that's what it looked like on the wall and he looked at it and he knew what it was and I knew what it was and we never said a word but he just goes yeah yeah and then we kept packing yeah those loads everywhere I just think about your parents they go to work and like my father's like a 40 minute commute it's a boring job with the tie yeah all day long a 40 minute commute back and you come home and you sit down to take your nice spicy dump and there's 50 fucking teenager boogers bloody yellow green and you go you fucking piece of shit I know what are you doing to me I'm trying to keep you alive I'm trying to pay for you and have you be a good citizen and you're just

putting nose goblins all over the goddamn sink not to mention the calm and the shit everywhere my underwear is covered in shit and my socks are covered in cum and I think that's why I think you beat a kid every now and then you throw him down a flight of stairs you put him a baby in a dumpster I think you just need a little outlet every now and then I gotta I gotta get some something back from this some some feedback yeah you killed me you're ruining my life so I gotta knock you around every now and then yeah I wouldn't call me either I mean if I if I if somebody came to my house and put boogers all over my house every single day and then later he did the tonight show I might not say congratulations either no no I think that's fair yeah it's a pretty good exchange

this is actually the best therapy session of my life I don't deserve to get a fucking love from my dad I put boogers in his bathroom yeah I think you guys are even yeah he doesn't call and you're flicking boogers in his uh home that he bought even Steven yeah well I uh one time my dad was like I was always running late and he was like god damn it and he was helping me put socks on because he's like you're going too slow and he was you know behind me putting a sock on he's like lift your leg and eventually he just goes he just threw me down and I was I was like a kid like looking up at him and he's like all right get up but I get it now at the time I was like my dad's an animal he's a monster but I get it you're putting socks on a kid who won't cooperate you

want to just kick him in the face yep I got smacked in the face one time oh really yeah oh good and good solid just laid on and then it was a handprint I remember there being a handprint on my face was your glasses a skew I had no glasses back that's probably what maybe need glasses probably knocked a cone loose yeah screwed up your retinas but uh I remember just looking up and being like what oh it's a weird feeling isn't it when you get smoked well it's like a betrayal you're like yes you hurt me I know and a big pink handprint and uh you're just like gee whiz all right well I won't talk to you who your dad yeah what are we talking about yeah I didn't know maybe it was mama bear no no she sat on my face twice but that was it yeah that way you asked for that

that was a couple months ago yeah but uh mother's day but sure well it's a gift that keeps on giving yeah it is a weird thing we were like I thought something and then you also have that feeling of like oh wow you hate me yeah because you don't hit someone you like no no so it puts that thing of like gee whiz that's a bummer I know and then you got to live with them and just be around them all the time and it takes a couple days before you're back oh certainly weird tension you go by the hallway you're kind of like yeah sorry sorry sorry and uh yeah like four weeks later you get like oh yes we're good no I never got that but uh what can you do one time but see I was no better because I one time I dropped a uh an iron on my dad's arm what are you Kevin McAllister

yeah he was trying to break in I had to stop him no I was uh fucking around on the on in the kitchen and my mom had an iron on the table and I was digging around he's like stop digging around and I bumped it and he was doing something and the iron fell on his hand like it's closed on his arm there and he still got a scar he brought it up every 10 minutes I'm gonna smash him in the face with an iron yeah he was pissed yeah that makes sense I get it I get it it was an accident dad yeah hopefully he's not listening no no can't imagine no he doesn't know what itunes is good point uh I think I had something else I think we even had something else happened probably oh shit in my mouth we might have to put it in in post or put it in me it's like your own dicks

oh let me let me plug this speaking to which this is a this is an ad for you our friend Renan Hirschberg has an album that's out today I believe it comes out and it's called uh all downhill from here I believe is what it's called uh and uh you know Renan he's hilarious funny guy good egg I'm doing actually doing the album release party show yeah me too oh great I'll be there we're gonna have fun but yeah I know his movies by the way downhill ever since that's what it's called and uh it's out right now on itunes wherever you get your albums Renan Hirschberg downhill ever since our a a n a n yes go uh check it out because he's hilarious and uh he's legit we wouldn't funny guy killer act and additionally Mike Cannon has a special coming out on YouTube Mike Cannon

comedy on YouTube and all these guys are Keith Robinson's in it Colin Quinn is in it Bobby Kelly's in it Jim Norton is in it wow and uh you can go to Mike Cannon comedy YouTube subscribe and it's called life begins or life ends or open life yeah yeah after what's it called hold on I'll find it uh if we're plugging life begins life begins because he had a kid or he's having a kid yeah something like that and he's great and by the way both those guys are Tuesdays oh really they're listeners yeah all right brazella yeah cannon uh he listens so all right Cannonburg uh I might got them I forget keep forgetting to plug it I'm in in New York Tuesday come out next week I'm doing got them all weekend what what's the dates on that I believe it's February 3rd because this is

gonna come out like the 4th oh shit dick quiff hold on it's uh February 7th and 8th okay perfect 7th and 8th Friday Saturday yeah this weekend yeah perfect come on out I need you I don't know if those tickets are moving because I do so many shows in the city that people go we can see that guy for $11 why are we gonna spend 40 but come out see an hour yeah please do tell you what speaking of New York yesterday we talked about this a little bit we saw each other yesterday as well those days where I was just in the city for 13 hours straight the podcast therapy in the spot this is a weird moment I'm walking around all day on the phone it's freezing out I went to Whole Foods in Midtown like 40 seconds 6th and I walked around on the I was on the phone so I was

like I'll go get warm in here and then I finished the phone call I had a backpack on I just went to the bathroom to piss and then I just sat down on the toilet for about 20 minutes sure we got the phone there it's not hard to do send emails the whole thing but you're like what kind of life this is like an alternative lifestyle I'm 37 years old and I do well I'm not some homeless person sure you're not stealing coats I make a living this is my best option was to sit on the toilet in a stall at Whole Foods and you're like this is I don't know if it's sad or hilarious or a little bit of bulls a little bit well that's what this city does to you you got no personal space you got no chair you got no comfort so when you got a toilet and your own stall that's luxury

baby in this town you got a chair and a stall that's pretty good you got your own little entrapment here and it was weird because it was like a biracial uh not biracial bisexual men and women unisex oh uni weird yeah so I forgot about that because I kind of sat in there and I'm just sitting there doing emails and sending uh phone calls or whatever and all of a sudden I just hear like well you better not come around here no more and it was like a phone call it was a lady that worked there oh she's like why are you calling me at work I told you not to call me at work and then she you know the n word was flying and she's like they are my ass here I can't be on the phone stop calling and you could hear him on the phone too oh wow that's like receiver yeah I don't know

if it was speaker what the hell was going on I might have been a fullback but I was like what are you doing you're gonna get busted she's like they are my ass in here they watching me every move she's like you can't be calling me at work and the guy was like I'm just trying to check in I just love you and she's like was everything all right and he's like everything's fine I guess call me when you get a break and I felt a little bad for the guy yeah but I also get the woman like she's on the floor whatever picking up asparagus and the phone's vibrating I get it too but maybe don't answer you cus uh just leave it rolling or put it on silence yeah okay folks hello something happened there our card filled up we don't know where we left off so it probably is weird yeah but

we're back uh come see me go check out Renan check out Mike Cannon and I hope you heard that part I think it just happened all right so we looked I looked down and said card was full you gotta keep in mind we are morons yeah technologically illiterate god someday what's gonna keep growing and we'll have a whole situation here yeah we need a big studio with an asian gal and some cups of coffee and like a snack basket yeah I don't even know we need a big thing just like a person a person would be nice that knows what they're doing Shelby got a job I think or something oh really what is he uh pushing snow or I don't know what he does but he does something all right he looks like a like the kid you know who holds up the newspaper in the 40s extra extra

oh yeah didn't you see a newsy cap on him oh he's got extra lips yeah he doesn't you can see that the paper spinning and it just stops and says like you know rapist caught or whatever yeah yeah that's always good news yeah catch those rapists folks yeah we need another guy but then you don't then you have to have a guy here yeah you don't want a guy here you got to schedule the thing this is what works with us now it's just I just come to your house how hard's that pretty good so then I send the cars to Shelby and that's it easy peasy Japanese so yeah you know occasionally we're gonna have a little fuck up weird thing but here's the thing if you're at home you don't even know yeah we're probably we're probably blowing it out a little bit yeah well I might have been mid-sentenced

to be like I fucked her right in the and then it just cuts to us being like hey so anyways here we were stupid yeah well we're trying to retrace our dicks here yeah we traced them and now we got to retrace them yeah never trace your dick I don't think I have I put it in a plaster cast once no kidding plaster of Paris how'd it come out pretty small well that'd be a nice gift for your wife you know you'd think but I don't like a necklace she doesn't want another dick of me that's true it's Idris Elba's dog or something maybe I'll make her a dick please yeah I want to see the thumb print I don't have to come out in the plaster oh it's not that deep because it's not like a braille situation it's just it's kind of smooth it's almost like uh the credit card the the the black strip

what that's no indent at all that's what I mean it's not an indent it's just a visual oh it's a decolorization yes exactly yeah sure that might not be a thumb print that might just be your your born given no it's from it's a as the lady said contusion from masturbation wow yeah it's like a because it's right on the same spot it just got dark wow it's like black you keep it you know you get a tea every day a cookie and the thumb goes right there you're very formulaic well it might be fading now I also get like a pinky burn right when my pinky goes my best nose picker sometimes I'll get a little blister there because it's dry down there the base is dry I've never been a lube guy I'm a raw raw dog how about this last week I got a zit you know you know we're in our 30s

every now and then you get a random zit you still get a zit oh yeah all right I've never seen you with a zit I don't think not too many zits no I think you got a clean facial yeah that's what I got a few things going for me very few so I I didn't I don't usually get a lot of zits but I got one and I got it right on the lower lip and it looked like a herp but it was a zit uh-huh and I swear to God but you feel like a fucking lunatic going I swear to God it's a zit everybody's going sure sure and you're like no no I'm clean baby yeah that's tough oh it was tough then the more you fight it the more they don't believe you and you go down a fucking herpes spiral see I'm the reverse women are like what do you got zits on your dick I'm like that's herpes baby that's the good stuff

right that's the strong stuff but it was bad because uh you know it's a zit on your lip and you can constantly feel it because when you move your lips you can feel the pain of the zit and I kept popping it because he just want it gone and so now it's flaring up and scarring up and bubbling up with all this jizz and goo and I had to do shows I'm shaking hands after and tampering people are going oh this guy's a little active yeah people uh life is tough that's the thing about life but that's what's good about you you got the herp daddy and you don't get the lip stuff no no lip just just the lip just the dicks that's nice it's not bad I mean the dick in the weird way is better than the lips because it's horrific and scary but it's covered it's not showing up yeah right right

that's and it's a flair thing yeah he's only happens once in a blue herp rick flair whoo um I wonder if he had herpes that'd be a nice uh I gotta flare up yeah I feel like he's got herpes sure he's got a lot of things he's the nature boy you got that right that's nature um purple fur coat I'm sure so where else are you gonna be you got Gotham and a bunch of other shit here I'm all over the road fatty I'm uh I'm at Nashville I'm in St. Louis please come out to St. Louis that's a wacky market I'm in uh Chicago I'm in Calgary I'm in Tempe I'm in Royal Oak Michigan all on the calendar Kansas City Oklahoma uh Omaha all one-nighters uh Des Moines I'm doing it baby I'm out there yeah so uh come see us for god's sakes Mark Norm comedy is that what it is Mark

Norman comedy Mark Norman comedy and then I'm a comedian Joe list dot com I got uh Omaha Houston Austin oh yeah look at all that we got Vegas Tampa Vegas LA oh yeah and Arbor the other one Royal Oak oh boy we're all riding each other's heels they're nipping we're working on a Portland Maine at some point in the summer and uh they're all we're all out there baby and we're working on an LA pod run in the west coast uh up and down there a little San Diego in the middle yeah and I'm recording my album at Village Underground March 2nd so you can come to that let's sell that out folks get on that one and I don't want too many gays because I've seen the episode so a few of you come and fake laugh because it's old material I gotta kind of relearn intel again so uh do that

and get on the Patreon there's some fresh bonuses up there the first 174 episodes are up there all the live ones you got that right Patreon is fucking rocking I think we got one of the best patreons I have to say a lot of bonuses those live in Chrysler Nikki Glazer Chris D Bennington Yannis you name it all that good stuff is cooking Wolf Wolf Ari uh what's her name a lot of iron in Fisher too much Ari's a lot of nose down Ari yeah but uh yeah we're we're hooking and jukein and cuckin and cackin all right ah is that it I think we gotta I think we gotta wrap because uh I gotta get to a spot and wait this is now with the other one I think we gotta we're over an hour here oh shit all right well there you go folks and uh I got a hot spot all

right well praise Allah and I'm gonna figure out how to send this all to the uh to the Shelby he'll be out there she's uh he's a master yes master race that's what he always says thanks guys praise Allah queef it up and uh kiss your dad and eat out your mom yeah all right you