Tuesdays with Stories! - #336 Chill Bumps

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

Hoo doggie, we've got another hot one for you today as Mark goes to New Orleans for his parents anniversary before doing Joe Rogan's show while Joe mixes it up with some good and bad fans in Mobile, AL. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: Tuesdays) & Away Travel (awaytravel.com/tuesdays20) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me oh hell we're back folks we're here it's been years I'm gay I'm all over the road

I'm covered in semen how are you I'm good should we be using megaphones cans oh shit just in case because we got new wire we got white wires you might have one on me look at that just have having a bunch of headphones this is Delta right here this feels racial by the way the blacks kept fucking up so we bought some whites and we're like these are way better yeah yeah these work they don't know the blacks don't work yeah those black cords were lazy but it's we're waiting I've never even seen a white cord yeah the white cords don't get them wet they smell like dog is that right is that something they say about us yeah I

think so it's interesting because yesterday my my wife oh that does sound nice now crisp well done whitey all right it shall be white I still never got to the bottom of that I think he's a troll I don't know what he is he's like a chocolatey he's he's milky olive skin olive which when I was a kid I just knew about black olives so I thought black people were all of skin hmm because you know you hear all of skin you see a green obviously a black olive so you go alright I guess they're talking about black folk yeah that's a good point I never thought of that when have you seen a beige olive never aha

it's a strange thing how about this I don't know that I've ever put an olive in my mouth ever once why yeah well you know me it's all chicken parm and cheeseburgers dick and three of those how many takes it in your mouth just mine oh I just licked it that's all I could reach right just got the tongue on there I haven't tried in a long time and I've lost a little weight I'm flexible maybe I'll give it a shot but it hurts my back to even try yeah it wasn't pretty I did it was raining out it was bad I think if you assisted me if I think if I laid on the ground went backwards and someone pulled my ankles down to the ground and

then someone else pushed my head up it'd be a three-man job yeah and then maybe a blue shoe aha give you an extra half an inch yeah yeah I remember when I was did you jerk off with friends as a kid like in the same room no I had one friend who tried it and I was in fifth grade I was like I don't think we're supposed to be doing that all right and he was really beating it too oh yeah like up and I just remember thinking this is crazy yeah and he wanted to show like look at that I'll show you what come is and even when we were like no no we've jerked off I've seen come I know come and he was like no no I've you got to see it and

I was like listen I've had my dad's all over my forehead I don't need you to do it I'm a pro and to his credit he couldn't get off he was like never mind so maybe that means he's not gay but yeah maybe I think he was secure I do remember seeing his cock and thinking that's not what mine looks like oh really yeah yeah my friends look different than mine too it was way whiter lighter dark dude mine is mine's all of it look like a little Shelby down there yeah the lips and everything right right yeah it's got a little part of hair but yeah so my friend jizzed and I dared him to taste it and he did and we haven't talked since

wow yeah he was he was pissed did he make like a face I just went just finger to tongue was like God I hate you I think we've talked about this before I always want to taste jizz I'm interested in the taste yeah I can tell you how it tastes I'd like to I'd like to fill I like to experience it I mean you can tell me what the Eiffel Tower looks like but I still want to fuck a girl with my buddy in high five right right they're both beautiful but as soon as I come I have no desire to taste anymore no no when you're jerking off I'm like yeah I'd let fucking Chris D come in my mouth you know sure I don't know why I picked him

I was with him last night and we were talking about this thing he's got a good bloat I bet nice load I'm sure I got a plethora of dick pics from the guy oh yeah that's right yeah except when yesterday odd relationship yeah it's a little strange Sarah and I were talking about we talk about fucking each other almost exclusively even when there's no audience it's just one-on-one we're talking about blowing each other that's fun to the point where I think if I made a move I could hook up with him probably he's hot and you could do a lot worth that's what I was gonna say it could be fucking Shelby or Ari but D is a hit yeah

I cannot think of a more off-putting person to hook up with than Ari oh and yet his girlfriend is beautiful is she beautiful smart funny well there you go but if she died that wouldn't be a great eulogy from the the amen no that's not his expertise oh no no no sorry last night he looks okay other than his ugly face of obviously yeah he's a hideous ghoul of a heave but he's he's taking this in stride I've been texting with him and he's like yeah he said the only thing that hurts him is the fact that a lot of comics turned on him who he put on TV and I was like that's fair interesting well it feels a little betrayed did they

turn on him or did they criticize him if they're saying hey I'm not talking to you anymore you scumbag yeah like of this a lot of that oh is there oh yeah oh Jesus or like you're a piece of garbage you know you you suck I hate you and he's like you hate me I made a joke that you didn't agree with right well I saw Ali Sadiq was critical but hey friends can be critical of friends yeah critique but if people are just dropping him as a friend that's psychotic yeah oh that's happening big time oh wow that's too bad he gets dropped quite a bit he's like a baby with a drunk dad hmm but he's handling it well yeah he seems to but I

always worry about him I mean I don't want to get too personal here I always worry that he does it because that's his persona like yeah what can you do don't worry about things I take mushrooms in Joshua Tree fucking whatever guy go to China use a flip phone yeah I'm like you're not completely devastated by the fact that you're being threatened he's like I have no fear of physical threat I'm like I have it I'm not even right I didn't even do anything yeah I'm afraid everyone's gonna beat me up no but I those death threat guys are full of garbage I remember when Dina Hashem was getting death threats I defended her and

then I got death threats and I was like we're fine it's some guy in Atlanta with a cornrow but here's the thing with the threats it just takes one there's 50 thousand people going and every one of his responses is you ain't gonna do shit fuck you but all it takes is one person they don't all have to do anything most of them won't it just takes one guy to be like alright I'm gonna hit that guy with a fucking baseball bat when I see his nine-foot head walking by one Lee Harvey look at him Oswald yeah didn't he kill him yeah he shot President Kenny in the face as though they would have you believe or whatever as so I don't know

I fucked that up what is that what was that who's Jack Ruby Jack Ruby shot Oswald played by Brian Doyle Murray in the movie hey Oswald aha nice to see him last night on the Super Bowl commercial Oswald no he's dead ah PDM oh he's around he's around he's alive they did a Groundhog's Day commercial oh that's fun yeah it was a big thing yeah that Brian Doyle he he's just been eaten by he's on Seinfeld he's in Caddyshack he's in Groundhog Day he just kind of stays afloat it's a fine product yeah you who he's floating but anyways yeah Ari's alright we saw him last night big Super Bowl party last

night old Sal Volcano's house that was something we really missed you I killed me I flew in too late I'm gay it was from coast to coast you know that coast to coast you lose three hours yeah that's tough brutal but I had a great time we got a lot to dive into there yeah dive in give me some business I haven't seen you since 85 well first things first I go down in Big Nola gay for the for the 50th anniversary of my parents banging and you know this is not a this isn't a comedy special or a graduation this is just my parents are gonna be dead soon I'm gonna go see him fuck it we have some money I'm gonna put some money

together go get an airplane flight and fly down there sure by the way I thought we were gonna be the same time but I know I had big plans a week apart as did I oh geez so and you're doing the same he was at the Mahalia what would you do with the the orpheum oh the orpheum right across from the hotel ever just right across the street that's a bit what is that on canal where is that no it's on my ass it's off off a canal this canal and then there's two streets that the Roosevelt is on then it's across from there oh I know it by the way canal street in New Orleans worst street in the country if you ask me it's terrified

well it used to be worse than bourbon bourbon is worth the different kinds of bads but man we can get into this a little bit but I got to go to New Orleans with you or somebody because I go there and I'm like this place is good bye well first of all it's way more dangerous than New York it is stomped raped and queefed on and that street well here's how I know it's fucked up because on stage both nights I open by going and this city is great at least that's what we're supposed to say I guess but man I think it's fucking sucks and the crowd was like oh I was like I feel like I'm in danger in my

room I come back to my room I'm afraid of getting stabbed and then I just kind of shit on the city and I like the city I like that it has its own culture I like the music it feels like a foreign country and again I'm ignorant I haven't been to the garden whatever or whatever the whatever the whole business I got to go with someone that knows the ins the outs or whatever but Bourbon Street and Canal Street are dog shit well they're terrifying I mean it's all kinds of ghetto wackos and hobos and syringes they'll kill you fatty I mean I went to Starbucks to get a tea 7 p.m. and maybe this is gonna sound bad or I'm gonna

sound like an asshole but there's 11 black teenagers they're not hanging out they're not in a circle telling stories they're standing in a row against the wall just watching you as you pass very unnerving oh yeah even if they were white whatever or whatever I'm staring at yet at a teenage level again if they're in a circle they're hanging out on the street they're playing games I mean they're standing like they're gonna goose it's a roast right I'm like hi a fellas it's like the big gulps yeah and they nail you they go nice glasses where'd you get those teeth what do you call it a forehead they they get you

those are all hurtful coming from you but well I'm walking out your act I've got a green tea I'm just trembling like good night fellas yeah yeah that's my whole childhood and then there's bricks missing and every sidewalk it's all uneven this will take the bricks you got the crazy street people and then you have the frat drunk people yeah the white boy yeah I want to I want to be inclusive here you got four white guys with Iowa hot guys shirts that are 9 foot 7 375 pounds polo shirt with short shorts and a woven belt and they all got the fucking dumb hurricane the big plastic yes they come in from all the

upstate of Louisiana or Mississippi or Ole Miss and all that bullshit man it is it's tough sledding and then there's just puke everywhere oh yeah and then we haven't even got into like the junkies those are like the hanging out teenagers then the frat guys then there's like people on wheelchairs buzzing around chasing you and they're all hammered every one of these people is hammered you got the nine-year-old black kid with the tap dance toes on his feet and then you got the silver guy who's not moving for some reason yes and then you got the fat white trash lady with one tooth is bumping in everybody and

going I do what I want and the silver guy sucks by the way we kept loud I was with Greg Han he kept calling him talent free he's like these talent free performers he's wearing like a baggy t-shirt and he's barely moves he's like do a mime act but it sucks and we were just talking about you just got a can of paint you can go out there and make a few bucks you're literally doing nothing yeah not even moving it's easy but man it's it's tough sledding around there I'm also old and sober right and you're not for me you're also in the wild district I could take you out to see these beautiful homes and the street

car and the river and the Cougar Browns and I get a you know get a Pope boy and we could really do it up yeah I'd like to do it up and by the way like again like the other side of bourbon if you keep walking when he gets quiet and like French men I like over there beautiful that's nice and like with a quiet bourbon street with the old houses and stuff they had an open house con and I went and looked at some condo that was gorgeous oh yeah and some of the people are friendly but boy it was tough yeah the locals rarely excuse me a little saving reflux they're really a stray over in those ways

and you know we've got way off topic I'll get more into that later yeah but a magical city you went down to New Orleans to see the folks go down to see the folks so they're having the big big to do for the big 5-0 and you know of course my mom's got a pinch of penny she's like we're doing it at the museum I run that'll be the party place then she won't cater so she does the whole thing herself she cooks all the hors d'oeuvres a million devil eggs as a zillion pots of gumbo and cake and cookies and all this shit so I land I go right there I'm just helping I don't know if your mom does it one of these like all right you got a

chip in like you're here you're gonna help my mother's the opposite control freak she's like don't even try to help you'll fuck everything up go sit in the other room I see well first off let me just get down to brass anal I took spirit because I forgot to book a flight so I had to book one last minute so I got how bad could spirit be holy shit my asshole is still bleeding from these people I got no sympathy I can't say enough I don't know why you're not taking Delta every time I'll listen to the story but you're not getting any sympathy all right no simp no coming I get it but boy though they'll break a

spirit I mean you get there they go that's gonna be $800 for the bag you weren't two shoes that's an extra fee you got a nostril and ear lobe you're there's kick you up the ass the the sprites aren't free it's all brutal the chairs are made out of wicker the window was fogged up I couldn't even see out my own window it's stunk ah everybody on there is a piece of garbage it bolt bus is better Julie McCullough has that great joke he's like I was on a spirit airline flight and the guy was walking up the aisle going ladies gentlemen I've fallen on hot times yeah yeah it's it's brutal so then I get to

the the party and you know you see everybody your parents know you know they're like you're gotten so old then your brother my brother shows up his kids are there they're sevens are there chase me around his daughter is violent what's up with those violent kids we're like she's hurting me she's like clawing ah she's like ah you know nice kid but cool it with the violence or it's a phase I think I think it's a phase you ever have them grab your ball and kind of twist it while they're blowing you and one of her favorite things you just go up to me and go and like stomp on my foot with a heel my toes are bleeding

over here well because they want to feel power they have no power so like I'll go bust this guy's asshole and I can't I saw I can go hey come here you knuckle head and give him a taste of the back of my hand but that's what you want to do but you know you just take it you go I'm six feet taller than you fuck it whatever you're a kid and then you start meeting the oldies you know my dad's in his mid sev so that right yeah so all his friends are old and he's like this is Sandy she has dementia now and you're like hey and she's like park my car Negro and I'm like wait no we know each other and like then you meet her and she's like oh yeah

your Rick's son and then like two minutes later she's like who are you like oh it's so sad nice lady and Sandy yeah but boy the the oldness it wears on you like I gotta get out of here you know all it is is old people and then children and nothing in the middle you're in the middle that's me I'm Malcolm in the mid I got nothing sure you got to get out of there so you end up hitting the sauce pretty hard but then you get back home you'd finished all the party you feel good and I did the Lafayette show the next day I love that show Jason Leonard what a good egg same initials yes JL you drive out there a nice two and

a half hour drive and we sold it out which is so nice because it's a hometown bullshit as the first place I ever did comedy and we sold some posters and then he's like let's go to the diner after we go to the diner after the same one you like diner diner hell of a diner and you realize cuz you know as a new or linian we used to shit on Lafayette and shit on Baton Rouge and shit on Monroe and all these little fake towns outside of the real city that's a nice little place yeah well again I'm getting old so to me I go to like Omaha like this is great yeah they got a Chipotle over here I got a nice LA fitness right no no

junkie no one stabbed me it's nice yeah so we go to that diner and I had a chicken fried steak and I really wanted to kill myself this kid hands me a bunch of Valium it was great and then the next day I wake up and Kobe's dead ah Kobe and this one was a weird one because I'm hanging out with my brother's kids she's doing a play she wrote a play she's seven wow he won't like Max Fisher yeah she won't he won't let his kids watch TV that's no TV in the home that's great and no iPhone no iPad everybody hands their kid an iPad that's parenting now he's like I'm not doing it and it is annoying because every now

and then you want you go I need a break sure give these kids some heroin or something knock them out but you just stick it through and she wrote a play and she's on her bunk bed and you know she's got curtains made you know the sheets are hanging over as a curtain and she got all the stuffed animals that's the cast beef curtains yeah he just go with it and I look back my mom my dad my brother his wife we're all sitting on the floor going oh look at that you know we're really giving it to this kid like congrats well done is she the only one in the play she's the play and she's got the little stuffed bear going this is

a Artemis and that's her me's and that's her bees and that's tremendous it's beautiful and then I'm I sneak a phone look because I'm a piece of shit and I see Kobe died and seeing her there she doesn't know who Kobe is she doesn't know anything about death I know what a phone is and I just I lose it what he made you lose it come on well I fucking I couldn't handle I had to go to the bathroom I was like oh I got all teary-eyed because it was too much it was too much sadness plus how beautiful this play was oh wow I was I was swirling baby I was like the helicopter that hit the mountain wow it was crazy and then

then you're with your family you look at your dad my dad's shit in his pants he's about to croak you know so like it was it's too much it's a lot it's a lot the love and the death and the sadness and then you got the kid generation who's growing up the baby they have a new baby then you got my mom then you got me then you got my dad who's about to so use the circle of life is there and then think about my childhood and then Kobe's raping people and well you're all over the road how was the play nice play horrible play I got a thumbs down and I told her quit the business I can't imagine it was great I'll think of his real denim bombs he's

like it's terrible there's no character development oh no kids and pajamas yet had no ending it didn't come together it was really bad I hope she quits quits that uh that racket but she'll grow what she's seven maybe but there was no potential I mean it was no Paul Thomas Anderson or anything it was bad news I give her six more months she'll be fine yeah it wasn't a Hamilton that's sweet Ryan Hamilton yeah that's really neat though that that I think that's like directly from the no TV completely makes you nice and creative you have to be creative and we we it's in us like I'll sit with her and she's going man and this

and that she has all these stories she's so creative she does all these puzzles all day because we don't have TV you have to fill the time right but then how does she consume art though like where is she getting her art that's important books books sherry she reads I got her a stack of books for Christmas I got like Allison Waterland Peter Pan and to her she's like wow Peter Pan and she's flipping to the pages and there's a photo in it she's like oh my god whereas I go out this is so boring put on some porn right our rods and cones are all screwed up sure we've been eating chocolate all day she eats one piece of

rice and she's like jizzing at the helm yeah I read I get three pages in I'm like I got a good bite on it and I go watch six YouTube videos exactly it's bad it's bad but it's just how we're we're wired you know we this is what we have so why not watch the good shit I mean I'm sure back when books came out some guys said hey you're missing on the sunset and they got blow me I got a book interesting I wonder though she's gonna have like if when she finally gets free range she'll like catch up on the adverse effect oh you got a point what she goes to college all of a sudden you know instead of getting raped in the dorm

she's watching full house well here's the clinker is that my parents let her watch TV so she goes to my parents that she's like sponge bomb and she's like licking the screen because it's like heroin you know right right so she has a glimpse so she's not one of these retard like homeschool skanks where they're like they don't know like Amish right you know so she has some kind of grasp and she goes back and all the kids like sponge Bob and she she's aware of it yeah that part's nice it's hard and I think they got a grip on me this phone oh completely it's brutal and I keep doing the thing I used to when I was

drinking was like why did yoga and I went to a meeting and I meditated I was looking at my phone during those periods but that's not actually defeating the addiction I remember saying that I was talking to my friend when I went to Iraq I was like I didn't drink for 10 days while I was in Iraq yeah but there's no alcohol there right that's not an accomplishment drink right so not looking at your phone when the phone is there that's actual yes yes but I do and I'm watching a hockey game as soon as there's a whistle I'm on the phone I'm the same way and then I put the phone down like other games back on every whistle oh

let me check to see everything I know it's horrific horrendous it makes me want to shoot myself right in the face I'm embarrassed but I can't even look at my screen time for the week because it's too depressing it's literally depressing but I don't know what to do but then you start going well it's my job I have to tweet I have to have you know dates up on my website got to check my website how's how's my YouTube numbers and let me check YouTube and now you're on a YouTube spiral yeah that's part of it and I read the comments and then I'm just like I hope you die you fucking filthy cunt fuck you I know I know but I was in an

elevator today and the elevator door closed and I went right to the phone because up there's nothing to do yeah and then you start thinking am I having less thoughts than I used to because I'm at my when I was a kid my brain would just go and go and I have all this imagination and I don't know if I have that well and you don't complete the cycle of your thoughts because as soon as I have anything negative I look at the phone right I'm like boy I wonder if my dad will cut yeah let me look at Instagram yeah I should let the thought play out yes you get more bits that way yeah that's what I'm worried about am I

having less thoughtful jokes and I'm a hundred percent sure if I'm one of these people like it's the benefit of a death bed and I don't take a you know plane ride or whatever it is get shot in the face if I want to be sitting in a death bed I know I'll be like six hours a day I look at my phone like I'm aware that the phone is gonna be my biggest regret I know you still do it I was looking at YouTube comments I'm like what am I doing and then with the comments in the business you read this 58 comments that are like he's this guy's the greatest he's the funniest I'm like skip skip skip and then there's one guy be like he's a

fucking moron I'm like look at this I know look at this guy yeah screen shot send it to my aunt tell her to eat her own pussy this guy sucks he doesn't know what he's doing well thank God for pods it's the only time we're not looking I know I gotta go airplane mode good for you but even then it's still I'm like the problem is again it's not treating the problem as soon as I get off airplane mode I'm like I say we don't talk for 40 straight minutes same and flights are a big one sometimes I'll be on a flight I'm like ooh Wi-Fi is only $12 hey I'm gonna be on this flight for five hours yep that's not a bad deal and then I'm

like wait a minute what am I doing and I who if I buy that $12 won't be able to live with myself so I never do it but I trust me I want to but and also here's where I know I'm just addicted to the phone in general on a long flight airplane mode I'll start looking at photos I'm like what app will work yes just because I want to look at the thing we're fucking losers I'll do the steps I'll check my steps because that's all about the steps oh yeah I gotta get the steps and then I'll start going stat steps I'm like miles the mountains we got a break I have fantasies of just jumping up and down on it and

shattering it freeing myself I don't have because it won't free just go straight to Apple and go I gotta check my Graham well there was one night when I was in Denver where my phone just shit the bed and I had no phone it felt liberated look what I bought here oh this is a little pocket dildo I got one of these an old school voice recorder just so I can record not well it's not even for anything actually it's because my voice recorder stopped working but you'd use all the data so I'm like I'll just put it on this son of a bitch and then check this out it's got a little fucking you just take it right in your

asshole and upload it so I got an old school voice recorder I'm thinking about getting a watch and other shit so I could just stop looking at my watch good idea just many things that make you because I'm like I have to know what time it is I look at the time right last night I'm pretty good at getting home be like I gotta put my phone the other room when I get home but then I had two outgoing texts and I'm like why don't I miss those check so I'm like let me put it over here and then what's over there you gotta go get it there's little things you can do like I don't get my ticket printed or I get my ticket print at the

airport I don't use the phone yeah because I'd rather have it hold it otherwise you got to open it up slide to Delta open the Delta turn the brightness up it's too much I'm hard now I'm holding my phone even more right but yeah yeah but it's also this amazing tool with GPS text email Instagram I can read a book I can listen to a app a podcast it's got some features of course well it's like everything that benefits and negatives right you have a wife it gives you someone's face to come on but you gotta listen to him talk yeah we got it so you know it's a sliding scale as they say yeah and the best things are I got a

moped out there but I'm bringing it to the shop tomorrow and people go well that sucks I'm gonna run him like yeah but I get to ride it down Broadway so it's up and anal right everything's yin and yang and up and down strikes and gutters black was white whatever Andrew Yang hey folks gotta tell you about native deodorant I love this stuff I've tried a million deodorants in my day none really caught on but this is just perfect it's feels healthy it feels light it feels natural this is good stuff are you looking for a natural deodorant well I know that change can be tough you get stuck on a deodorant you used to it I

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got said and then how weird is that that I go all right well the king of LA died let's go to LA you're off to LA LA LA that day wow and I landed LA and it was the eerie baby yeah I mean you could feel it the air I was staying downtown so this kid fan Tuesday shout out not gonna say his name was he told me not to he's like hey I see you're coming LA I work at this place a hotel I can give you a free weekend I said I count me in baby you know me and it's called I'm not gonna give up the name of it but it's downtown and it's like a stone cutter free mason old white guy club interesting it's a no jeans in the lobby I'm talking sound like a

stone mason well it's it's a you gotta wear a bow tie it's like upscale oh you know leathers couches fireplace leather bound books wood oak everything wait what's the stone mason I was gonna go with a hard hat and jeans no no maybe I'm stone cutters club you know like the old that you know like those guys who get together like those white guys who they're you know they're like Greek or whatever and they're they're old and they go to those basement rooms and they go ah the Jews are ruining everything like Hail Caesar yeah I never saw it yeah that's a terrific film is it I loved it I heard a bad thing people hate it I loved

it anyways I when you said that I thought it was like local IBEW it was a bunch of guys no no no no no not blue collar at all very very upscale okay I'm glad we rectified it yes I painted a new picture what is free mason that's it's you know like I don't know Reagan was a free mason or whatever it's like that yeah I'm not sure it's like a luminati kind of shit with just older dudes who all went to fraternity together but I think mason I thought Brick so I don't know what's what that was on me it's stone cutter I don't know I think it's that might have been you might be right and I'm an idiot I'm glad I got the right

painting now good painting I'm looking at the right painting continue yes so I show up there and it's late and I you park your car in a lot and the guy comes in and she parks your car for it and go here's some money they go we can't accept tips or whoa it's like that high-end wow you reach a level of richness where you can't tip isn't that weird that is some place you go to that's so expensive they don't take tips cuz it's so expensive and you're like well you guys should get tip cuz I'm rich now right according to my location right whatever so I go in and I'm wearing jeans and the ladies like I'll check in but you cannot wear you

have to leave the lobby immediately you look like hell I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and sneakers and I was like oh shit sorry so every day I came home at night I'd be shit-faced in the car putting some slacks on cuz I had to walk to the lobby to get to my room this doesn't sound like the right hotel for you not at all but it was free and it was a cool experience but yeah I walked around that night got some Chipotle then I went to downtown is booming in LA I mean sure it's terrifying and junky Phil looks like the walking dead down there mm-hmm but this shit's popping up so I went to Alamo draft doesn't Alamo draft

in LA downtown no kidding kill have you been there no obviously not I never even heard it but but other ones oh yeah oh it's great the movie theater with the beer yeah that's nice had a meal in there and I watched uncut gems because it was so late I was the only playing I enjoyed it I liked it yeah it was pretty good yeah Sandler killed it yeah he was good Garnett was good yeah a little frustrating at times a little annoying well it was a it was a real heart pounder you know you're younger is your skirt yeah but I enjoyed it yeah I liked it too so I can get it in LA but I want to let's flip it over I don't want to

take the whole thing all right I'll flip over and stick some things in my ass here I got oh how about this I did a fat black this is funny I got a couple of little quips and I got a new Orleans hum ninger give me a quip and a hum so I got the show at the fact we did our apartment show canter and I a lot of Tuesdays came out I think we got the hottest show in town to be quite frank hottest pod but we have the hottest pod there's no question about that I'm saying canner and I show with the apartment oh yeah yeah that's a hot one it's a great show so we kind of slapped it together and we got about 85 people there there

was some fitness model woman there yeah she left a hat but she's like this beautiful woman we're all commenting how beautiful she was then she messages on Instagram slipped into my DL I left a hat behind might have been a Costanza leave behind who knows yes Costanza but I went oh yeah and I was like which lady was this and I look it up and she's like an influencer or something I'll show me later I'll show you later but boy quite a thing but is that canner's house so I said email Jason so who knows what's going on a little of workout maybe a little elliptical I don't want to make any implications I'm just saying what I'm

but I'm trying to she listens I can't imagine no too attractive not sure no we got some attractive way I met a couple in Madison beautiful a couple there's a lot of nasties though yeah yeah a little below the belt yeah a lot of yucky folks but hey who am I gross you know any jizz so we do the show great show hell of a show Paul Hooper kill a bunch of people kill like who was on anymore but great show then I go shoot down to fat black I had my show in the Upper East then I did the hour at the fat black trying to run the album and we used to do in the fat black it's just sold out yeah but it was a quiet week we

had about 30 people there so fucked around a little bit I'm in the VIP room upstairs and these two big clunky guys they look like clunky they look like the Ukrainian street tuffs okay like they got you know they're a little bald and heavy and crazy looking and I just see him walking up the steps into the VIP lounge here like that so I go maybe these guys are maybe their podcast guy I don't know what they are maybe they work for the business and the guy walks up he's like fucking Joe list the show's going on oh Diego Lopez is on stage fucking Joe list what the fuck I hate that and the guy's like oh sorry sorry

like that last thing same volume and then there's a couple audience members over here they're looking like what shut up what is this really tuned up yeah they're all banged up they look like offensive linemen from like 68 like they had a reunion the right a couple unites and he comes up there and he's like whoa what is this what are you what's got can't believe this and I'm going quiet quiet like I'm a huge fan love the show Tuesdays contain all fag and I'm like alright I appreciate it but you gotta quiet I'm like have a seat here and it was like comics hanging out there so we gotta like scurry these like what is

this and I'm like what the hell's going on he's like we told them we were here to see Joe list they told us to come up here and I go what and then I realized they just they're just audience but they said here to see Joe list reason the door people thought no one says that most people say can I get a ticket sure so they said they thought when they were like VIP so they set them up there and then like you know the huge door guy comes up he's like these are friends of yours was like no I don't know these fucking guys clunk their heads together so he had to grab me like I got that that classic thing of like we'll

get you some better seats down here it was like Don Rickles in casino like let me take care of that for you right he'll tell you he went and sat him down there but it was like one of those things when my heart is like pounding oh yeah cuz who knows they could rape you if they love you that much sure sure these two dudes could have pinned you down yeah they were terrifying glutes yeah a couple of grunks but they sat down there and they were chirping throughout the show but they had a good time you know they were drunk you could tell yeah it was fine but fun show that's neither here nor there whatever you start to realize why

these big-time acts can't hang they can't hang out cuz they'll just get accosted yeah I mean they were sweet but you could tell they would been dreads 11 p.m. show they probably drinking sure that kind of thing but it was sweet they were sweet nice to have any fans yes love a galoot and speaking of fans and and people you not expecting to be fans went down to Mobile Alabama which I've never been to I didn't know that oh mobile Montgomery places like that sure mobile phone so I don't know anything about Mobile Alabama other than is it till Emmett till maybe or is that Mississippi I think that might have been Mississippi no Oxford

something happened in Oxford Mississippi that might have been a different guy that's England a lot of damage done by a lot of terrible people sure honky but anyway so I'm down in Mobile with Louie and I are doing a show along with Greg Hahn who's one of my favorite people in the wide world any guy go watch that guy he is a goddamn hoot and a huge Tuesday yeah praise Allah physically huge big man a grief so we go to Mobile I fly down there and of course you get picked up at the cab and it's always you hate the white driver oh yeah I got no Muslims down there so there's no one there to sit quietly and drive like an animal yeah

these crackers want to chat oh so chatty the lady was sweet as pie but we started talking about Sarah's dad and her dad passed and she was getting weepy she's like well you tell your wife it gets better and I'm like could you just focus on the road you can't I got we got therapists for this right right 10 and 2 bitch yeah she's doing this whole thing and she's like you got to go here and then you're like I'm here for a day right and then you never want to say your comics so then you're like it's all crazy yeah I'm like I'm meeting my friend we're going to New Orleans which is true I'm meeting a friend we're going to New

Orleans she's like well why didn't you tell your friends like so much cheaper to fly to New Orleans and I was like I know but I'm going to see Mobile for a minute and she's like but I don't understand so why would you fly there she's like you took two flight you can fly direct next time next time fly direct to New Orleans I'm like I'm a goddamn comedian I didn't want to tell you cuz you want to hear a knock-knock joke you're fucking dumb kind of glad your dad's dead there you go so anyways I'm chatting with her and she does the thing where she's she's sweet but she gives you 48 places to try I know I'm

here for two hours yeah she's like you're gonna try Gilbert's this guy he clamshells he's 72 if you go over to Funk houses they got beer it's two for one it's my we started mart they started Mardi Gras that's the big thing I didn't know that that's original to Mobile people kept true telling me that I'm like alright that's I don't even give a fuck about Mardi Gras I don't know what it is I don't give a shit also why didn't you keep it it queefs they we take it I don't know what's going on all right it's like the n-word we took it anyway she drops me off and this is how I know Mobile's cookie I'm like let me go get something

to eat and I'm walking around and it's it's all bars I don't feel like sitting in a bar no so then I see a chick filet I'm like great I'll grab a little chicken you know peasy and they're nice as pie over there the nicest and so I walk over there door is locked I look at the clock it's 3 10 p.m. they close at 3 p.m. Wow every day Bible belt 3 p.m. I'm like what kind of crazy city is this so I go alright no chick for gay I walk across the crosswalk and there's a truck first sorry I'll make it quick first I bump into it as an African-American fella and his kid like a little kid and they're selling popcorn he goes you want to buy

some popcorn like I'm good the kid puts his hands on me he's like five grabs my stomach he's like why don't you want to buy no popcorn I'm all set thank you and he's holding on to my shirt jeez crazy I'm being assaulted by a child to me too just like your niece yes so this kid didn't write a play I can tell you that give an iPad he's holding my shirt and he's like what you come off the boat because there's cruise ships there oh I thought he was calling you a wop or something he's like are you off the boat the boat and I'm like I'm not on a boat I don't want anything and then I'm worried because if someone has contact with

you they can take your wallet oh you're focusing on the hand on the stomach the grift so you're not to grift so I'm like backing up because there's a child the kids like for I could have punted them to fucking Tuscaloosa but now I just kind of skip by and I'm like that was crazy so now I'm like Chick-fil-A closes at 3 I got some kid touching my balls I don't know what's going on in this town wow so now I'm crossing the crosswalk and I see a big pickup truck and there's two white guys in it I just hear I got I got my headphones in our AirPods whatever I'm listening to music but I hear go there and I take I'm at pod out and the

guy's leaning out the truck like this and he's missing a couple teeth but good looking guy all right mobile classic and he goes you Joe lit wow what and he goes you Joe lit and I was like Joe list yeah I'm Joe list he's like oh man and he gets out of the truck and he's like a pure Alabama guy a good old boy a couple teeth he goes oh man I got chill bumps wow I've never heard that turn my whole life yeah I've heard goose bumps goose pills pills goose what's it called oh girl's pimp I've heard that yeah we say goose bumps goose feather goose neck yeah I like it hold on everybody our cameras blinking fuck me hard Abraham

blinking what the fuck's up with this camera where the cameras okay we got a blinking camera hold on folks we'll be right back after these messages okay we're back sorry we had to fuck the ass real quick yes that was great thank you so the guy says Joe Lea and he's got goose what did I say again chill bumps he's got chill bumps this guy and I get goes can I get a photo and I say yeah he's like I listened to the show and I couldn't believe it because I just think of our fan base our show as like Philly New York LA a little bit Chicago I mean I couldn't believe we're in the depths of hell here wow and they said Joe lit and

sweet as pie and they was with a young whippersnapper who look like he was 12 but he was working so maybe he was 13 young down there they sure do so he's like can I take a photo and I was like of course yeah we take a photo and then the kid was like can I get a photo too and then the guy was like I'm shaking too bad I can't photo so we're we're growing I've never felt more growth in our show than getting recognized by a guy in mobile what was he was he covered in grease and wearing a hard hat I'm picturing like a blue color like a cut construction guy I think it was some kind of electricity

maybe or something I was a big truck a working truck that's so funny because you're this classic New England northern guy and that you're down it's like a fish out of dick yeah I mean this is a dickless fish yeah and it was he was sweet as pie and I felt like a million bucks it really gives you a nice beautiful boost people are like nervous but take it can I take a photo I don't want to you're making my day you do a pretty good southern act by the way thanks I liked a lot of forest gum big fish Jarrah spoiled my pants I love those films but anyways so leave there we do the show I meet up with Louie we had a

great time went to some place called the Habadash and eight and it was fun people kept coming up and that was sweet meet up with Greg Hahn big reunited it was great because we had that whole Europe trip that was amazing and yeah we have a million laughs then we jump in the car we drive from after the show we jump in the car drive from Mobile to New Orleans at night was that four hour now it's quick two hours all right nice and easy and there's nothing like a car ride with all the love it nothing that heads behind the wheel just yeah but I need laughing and giggling classic rock we're playing the tunes now I'll get to this business

that's fun so we go down to New Orleans we have a good time me and Louie and Greg just walk around all day up and down bourbon Frenchman the whole thing we're making fun of the street performers we're getting recognized we're having a great time any bad blood cooking any hey you predator no I didn't notice any of that I mean there's so much predatory behavior in that city I think these are the problems yeah that's true people are jerking off out of fucking balconies right a lot of degenerates out there certainly so we do the show and then Saturday night or Friday night we do the show great show

at the Orpheum there so cool great time and I got a pop Greg Hahn's like you got to recognize this guy from his podcast and you hear like Tuesday I love it not huge but a little bit you know I mean it's nice Greg Hahn that fucking dodo head brings me up he goes all right without any further ado you can't call me furthered I'm a dude yeah you're a dude I'm all ado yeah I'm the definition of further ado right right they don't want to see me much ado about nothing exactly so I do my set we shit on him I she shits on me and then after the show we're like should we go out in New Orleans and I'm like I'm 37 I'm sober

he's you know Greg Hahn's 79 years old he's a predator the whole thing right so we're like we can't go out where pariahs so we just go upstairs we start watching TV in Louie's room he's flipping through the movies and the shining is available let's throw the shining on yes because I'm a big fan of this you throw on a movie everyone's seen everyone knows that way you can comment and joke but it's also a great film we're enjoying it throw on a movie that everyone's familiar with I like it either no one has to get to have no one familiar or everyone's familiar that's lunch and if no one's familiar now we

all paying attention if someone's talking you like shut up exactly but with the shining you can pipe in your lines and I got one great line I've been doing for 20 years of the shining the scene where they're all driving up the mountain she goes the air is different up here and I say I farted kills take it if you're at home watching take it take it it killed applause break Hans clapping he's always clapping yeah he's got the clap yeah Louie jerked out it was a great time so we watched the shine and that was beautiful great time it's you know and then you walk back to your room and it's

like we're in this huge old hotel you just watch the shinies you like oh that is cookie especially New Orleans is haunted all the thing boo-doo so on Saturday we do the show and the Chewbacca parades going on and once again like we can go down there but who wants to get it a whole Chewbacca parade who the heat in that fur it's your town yeah so we go back to the hotel as soon as the show is over we run across the street and another one of my dumb gags whatever's a plan put it on Instagram I've been doing it for 25 years as a plant around you do like a Kramer like you got it like you attack the plant

classic and so I do that I've been doing it all week I do it and I turn behind me and there's a lady gets whipped in the face with the brain now you whipped a lady and I go oh my god I'm so sorry and she goes it's okay I'm doing a bit of my own I'm like what because I she's right behind me and we're a group it's me Lynn Coplitz Greg Hanne Louie and the tour manager and she's penetrated the group I'm like why is this lady so close she's like I thought it was funny I don't know I'm sorry this is weird this is weird now and I'm like what and she's just with us in the group so everyone's noticing her I kind of like her we get

to the elevator when she got these big crazy earrings that are like stone short hair you can tell she's banged up smells like weed sounds like my mom and she goes it might have been she was young though so she had an apron on we get there and get to the elevator and Louie's like let's go upstairs great come on let's go upstairs and she just gets on the elevator with us now the Roosevelt has tiny elevators so we're all crammed on there this lays on the elevator she's like this is crazy I can't believe this I thought it was funny but now it's crazy and we're all looking at you like this is what's going on

here yeah she comes up the elevator now this is like two weeks in a row I've had kooky elevators oh yeah we're Madison that's right so the ladies with us and she's like oh god I don't know what I'm doing I'm crazy I'm sorry I don't know what's going on we get off the elevator and she starts walking with us she's still in the group what are you nervous she's like a reporter or maybe it's you know something with the with the CK well she's just a kooky lady all right but I think she was trying to get get involved sexually whoa because we watched her run out of the theater she's scurried across the street to like

join us wow so we're upstairs like now we're in the lobby at his floor yeah and we're like okay you got to take off now yeah yeah and luckily there was a group of us and Lynn was there Lynn coppers there's a woman another labia around not just a woman but like she could kick your ass Brassie Broad so she's like okay time to go and Louis like you should stop here and go back downstairs and she's like oh come on come on please please let me come with you guys and she's like it'll be fun and then we're like no no we kept walking and she's like wait and then she's like bending down and being like there's nothing you can do to

me that would make me change my opinion of you literally nothing so I think she wants to be in like a fucking train gang bang like it and she's like come on she's like I'm so close oh my god and then you start thinking if this was reversed it'd be insane yeah that's a female priv right there I mean if there was a show with three women on it and I just jump in the elevator was like come on you can do anything to me let me up here and so we're like you got to get out of here and then she started to walk back to the elevator and then we went around the corner and like Louis like everyone get in my room so we like slams

the door shut you know those doors don't shut yeah pulling it shut and then right as it shuts you like hear footsteps come around so they were like don't you know what room we're in I'm cutting out wait a minute say something yeah something okay okay just checking sorry I think you were going the whole time but I got nervous so then we're in the room and we're like what the fuck was that we're all whispering it's kind of fun and then at the last once we were upstairs I busted up my video camera just hit record just in case something crazy happens oh yeah that was fun because everyone was like that was good

thinking right because you're like I don't want this lady to go oh my god everyone beat off of my tits you know point you can lie so I had the video camera going and then we called security like they do a sweep of the floor or whatever just believe all men and they called up and they're like oh yeah that lady's crazy she left but she was kind of sexy too oh really tattoos and the tight thing but I think she was just banged up drunk and high yeah and then was like wouldn't it be funny if I walk with these folks and then get up there and once you're up there you're so close right and I think also there's a

millions rock and roll stories of like I went back to Bon Jovi's room and blew everybody exactly well she gave it a college anal you got to give her that yeah she really tried but then you have that thing of like if I was single and younger I'd be like you guys go ahead yeah hey what are you going to sell for me you know yeah yeah totally you can see my room it would have been one of those things but you know that you would have been like well it's the next best thing to the seek sure you might argue better what shirts off I think I got them licked and a little younger yep you got that right unless you know

controversial yeah Cosby's but anyways that's that's the end of that tale and I got some other bullshit for another time all right well hit me was a whirlwind I'll zip through this zipper head here so we'll cut that up keep it all right so I jump around I go from pod to pod just I do you know more I'm Rameen Rameen I'm gonna fuck his last name up but he's a little bit is a something he's a brown guy but I knew him back in the days from Texas or Atlanta great guy did his pod in Silver Lake these LA guys LA people I'm not saying the comics are everybody there doesn't know what they have like I did his podcast it's in

Silver Lake he's got this beautiful view overlooking the Hollywood Hills and all this shit he's got a cat walking around it's a beautiful apartment nobody cares I got sunshine every day he's got these in that windy you know that windy Canyon-y area oh sure Laurel Canyon something one of those can it just beautiful I park it I parked my car I'm like this is enough this is where you live he's like I've been here two years found on Craigslist I'm like this is amazing I love LA nobody knows what they have there just lush trees everything and I do that and then I go do a meeting at Fox Fox lot as beautiful as girls

with their shoes off on the picnic tables drinking iced teas you're like this is your job oh yeah I was in there once it's wild it's wild this beautiful day out nobody cares and I just get so bitter you know I'm just looking at the New York weather map it's fucking hail and rape and all this shit so whatever go do a meeting at Fox nobody cares I pitch him this pitch him that they all hate I'm trying to pitch the Enos show Enos Enos by a tranny nanny oh I see there's so much there but everybody's like well we don't want to step on any trans toes and I'm gay and we're naked and all that so whatever leave there go meet

Salak use at a Starbucks Matt Salak uses in town he's trying to pitch the show with me so we go to Starbucks in Beverly Hills walking around I'm like I got three hours to kill for my show tonight so he goes let's go check out the Hollywood Hilton I go yeah you know I've never been there that's what they do the Golden Globes it's all you know Sinatra all kinds of history there all the people got killed there and I'm sure Jack Nicholson you know ain't only raped someone there whatever he did fuck some teens by the way there you go that's under the radar no one cares Gator so we really pick and choose around here I

agree there's no guidelines with the rape sure I've said rape like 17 times in the last minute I gotta cool it yeah all right fine yeah my permission thank you consent so we go to the Hollywood Hilton be you know Beverly Hills Hilton oh sorry what did I say the Beverly Hills Hotel it's a Hilton is it a Hilton maybe it is the Beverly Hills over wherever the Golden Globes are I don't know anything about the Golden Globes they do a lot of they do a lot of things there because there's that iconic Beverly Hills Hotel with the sign but there's no awards there oh think Belushi lived there or something like that yeah

I think that was it I don't know maybe I'm gonna nice hotel twisted yeah but it's Beverly Hills it's the one in hit in the hills okay so we go there and there's a big fundraiser gala thing going on and this is Salicus for you I was like oh look at that there's a live band open bar everybody's in tuxedo and suit and tie and he goes let's just see what it's all about I'm like I can't I'm wearing jeans and the hotel I hate won't even let me in the lobby they're not gonna let me in the bar and he goes let's try it so we just walk in and he said like hey if you got white privilege you got to use it whatever I'm like all right great now

we're drinking champagne Coolies watching the band and now we got a plate going around we just grabbed some pigs in a blanket some cheese balls we're in the Hilton baby where I'm looking at the pool there's a beautiful women there swimming it's a live band we just just walk right into it that's nice well I tell you the theory that I had this happen this almost it's a very similar thing happened with Dave Walsh explained it to me so well where we went to I think the same hotel the Beverly Hills Hotel whatever yeah and I was wearing jean I'm like I can't go in there we want to go to the bar this is like ten years ago I'm

like look at me I got holes in my pants sure and Dave Walsh changed my whole complexure of Beverly Hills where he's like there's no class in this city he's like there's no old money here like in New York there's like an upper echelon people that are like the Vanderbilts and shit yes but in LA the city is built on show business right so they see you they think you produce jackass or whatever that's good so in LA you can just walk around with flip-flop because look at Jonah Hill he's dressed like a shrub he looks like hell yeah the nuts are running a silent way like Johnny Knoxville is a player there right he's a inbred red

neck it's a it's a classless town I like it that's big it's big it changes everything in a way whatever you want in a way this is actually you you're more chance of being Joaquin Phoenix than you are if you're in a tuxedo exactly in LA you walk into Park Avenue they'll fucking shoot us in the back of the head and various right right they got you know Gloria Vanderbilt and fucking whoever the other guy was JP Morgan Bloomberg babies yeah some Jew either way we have a great day we get a nice buzz going I do a show that night at the hot tub the Virgil such a great show you know Kurt and Kristen run it saw Andy Haynes and Beth

Stelling and just yucking it up with the with the locals great time go out get too drunk whatever wake up next day go do Rogan man it's just it's a whirlwind over there and I felt more comfortable and topsy turvy he's he's going through so much with his Bernie Warren stuff oh it's the first time I've ever seen him like I walk in he's playing pool I go hey Joe Joe and he's like can you believe this shit but he's like like he's mad about it oh boy is the first time I've seen him worked up and then he just went right into it on the pod we had a great time but he's having some some some some shit going on he's in a whirlwind now

this time when you're heading over there you just going there we go gotta do a show yeah yeah that's nice it's nice but it's also like you could ruin your life you could fuck everything up is that part too where you're driving yeah like he said you can't let it in your head you can 20 million people listening you got actually no one's listening and be yourself and all that which is easier said than gay but either way it was a good good app go check it out I pump our pod and all that stuff and we should be growing I was on it at one point going like this is good we have a lot of good things to talk about you have a lot of

good things just this this phone chat we had was big I keep feeling that way too I'm like I think this thing's happened I know we got redneck Johnson and mobile chatting about it so maybe maybe we're gay yeah but every second I'm like we're done I mean I got I said too many things the Cosby Louie the whole thing we're fucked I did just did Jeff Foxworthy's podcast and I was I walked away going oh I made too many anal jokes and he's probably hates me yeah we got it coming to us but we'll have fun till then we're living it up so then I go I leave there he goes you got to meet my guy friend Matt Farah he's a car guy

because he thinks of this big car guy so I'm like yeah sure so I text this guy he goes you want to meet me tomorrow we'll drive around in my Lamborghini Koontag all over Malibu and I go yeah sure so I meet this guy in Venice coolest dude ever just bald guy lives right on the beach right on there I took photos of it and we go down to his basement garage he whips a cover off it's this beautiful Lamborghini red from like out of a Eddie Murphy movie in the in the 80s who is he he's a he's like a he's a car show on YouTube he was the first guy on YouTube with a car show no he just made it he's blew up made millions of

bucks his friends with Jerry and Leno and all these car dudes wow and he just has cars and talks about him and he reviews them and he's like hop in we get this old Lambo and we're just trucking along we get up on the PCH he guns that bitch and we are whipping around he showed me all where the fires were and everything and he goes let's get lunch I go alright we stop at lunch it's this little shop same place where Jerry and Michael Richards eat on that episode what that place oh it's the best episode ever I know I know we got sandwiches he's like that's the van Jerry use that's this is the guy they talk

to oh my god it's all coming together oh that episode is primo unbelievable that was all in Malibu I didn't realize that yeah yeah wow that's like my favorite thing ever man I was just saying I'm like on my deathbed I'll watch the Michael Richards comedians and cars beautiful we talked about that a ton he that guy loves Jerry's like I can't believe I know Jerry I'm like that's how I feel you know and he's driving around the mountains in Malibu and he goes these were all homes they just cement slabs crazy you forget all with the Australia fires you forgot about these Jews yep so then we're driving even

higher up and he goes you see that mountain right there I go yeah he goes that's where Kobe hit you're like whoa okay they hit a mountain in Malibu wow yeah I was in fucking Calabasas or something or maybe that's where they were going yeah I think they were going to Cal I got you either way that's the mountain I saw you could see a little splat from Jesus from the Hello Cop and the whole thing was full circle then I leave there get back in my shitty Nissan Sentra rental drive straight straight to Theo Vaughn's thing wow and we do a pod and it was gray was magic we just I've known the guy 15 years he blew up I

blew you we're all over the place and we just do this pot it all came out and you know I haven't seen you so long it's crazy you've done this and I remember when you sucked and I used to be a douche and not a lot and so that was great then I get out of there get drunk go meet some friends wake up I'm gonna wrap this up here cuz I got two more big ones all right wake up today I have to on this day it's Thursday I got La Jolla comedy store that night sure La Jolla is about three hours away it's a kind of the Beverly Hills of San Diego right so I'm taking the the car like the Starliner it's the Amtrak it was straight

from LA to Sandy wow and it's a beautiful ride goes straight to San Clemente you follow the Pacific Ocean the whole way oh my god glorious so I got a 115 train now I got to do Ryan Sickler's podcast fill the car up with gas return it get to the train station okay not too bad I get drunk of course I oversleep I wake up no no wake-up call guy he snoozed on me hey fuck you I guess he hit the snooze but the generals are still aligned so I wake up I go ah so I'm so drunk still and all fucked up that I I run downstairs in this hotel I got jeans on I go I'm sorry I'm sorry I jump in my car I wheel out the garage I

run over a guy on a bird scooter you run over a scooter you know those bird scooter cunts it's the vaguely you know those little scooters they leave all over the side oh yeah those ones I hit a guy what do you hit you hit him well I'm coming out of the garage and it's a sidewalk and the traffic is coming from my right so I'm looking right like all right I gotta see and I don't look left he's coming left on the sidewalk crunch Jesus I couldn't believe it I jump out of my car go my god I'm so sorry it apparently the guy just flew onto my hood and I crunk I crunched that scooter the Helen back oh my god he's like Mr.

Pink you should be saying this on the video what I know I know well I talked to the guy like he was cool that he won't see you then well I hit the right guy because he was like a squirrely dude he was like you okay I'm sorry I'm like no I'm sorry what don't worry about me and he's like is that's the car my car is good he was like he was worried about me we it was like looking in a mirror wow yeah cuz he was worried about me guy thanks but yeah he was so did he hit you or you hit him I ran over the front half of the scooter the scooter was under the car basically and he jumped onto the hood luckily Jesus yeah so he I could

have killed the guy and I look over to my left there's like a bunch of Asian women going like holding their mouths with the surgical mask on they had the coronavirus so did you hit like lock up the brakes when he had I did forward on it no I yeah a little bit I probably went a foot of skin but I was going two second two miles an hour cuz I was coming out of a parking lot into a street so I wasn't going that fast but if I was going five I would have killed the guy oh my god I know I'm I'm nervous about saying this I'm sorry sir please don't sue me my name's Ari Shafir so I go oh my god I went what you do when you're

hungover you know you almost killed a guy I'm late I'm just like too much is happening I'm spiraling out you know I'm in I'm not the red light going God get your act together why'd you have to drink so much you had shit to do you still got to get to La Jolla today you can't get grow up you loser you know and then so I go all right just drop the car off so I fill the car up with gas I'm hung over I fucking put the nozzle back I go back and I drop the car off I don't realize the car drop off is at Amtrak so I'm like huh I just dropped the car off I have to be at this Amtrak station but I still got to do the pod so now I don't

have a car I just dropped it off I'm at the Amtrak station but I still got to go do this pot in recita living in recita so I checked the Uber it's a 30-minute drive it's a $60 or no it's like a $40 Uber oh my god I'm like god I had the car I just lost the car to drop it off but I'm such an idiot I did it all backwards but I got to get to the pod so I Uber there that's 40 bucks do the pod I'm a half hour late because the Uber takes forever then I do the pod he goes you're not gonna make it like Josh Potter was in the in the back room he goes hey you're not gonna make it you got a 115 train the traffic is ridiculous so I have to

Uber back in traffic I missed the train oh have to take the later train which leaves at 3 I get to there to the place at 6 30 then you still got to get to the condo shower change for the show at 7 30 oh my you just kept the car drove to La Jolla I know I know I should have kept the car drove to the pod too but I just blew it because of the I couldn't think with the hangover I ran over a dude the Asian women Corona it was a mess hmm so that's a good little PSA on not boozing but I'll save La Jolla because this was magic what I'm gonna do another one maybe this week or something yeah I'm here all week doing Gotham will

finger it out I leave Thursday yeah well maybe Wednesday either way either way it was a great great LA run check out all those pods you're on sickler coming up this week I believe it's out now oh it's out they're hearing it's out what's it called what's that pod called honey do honey do great pod big pod it's on YouTube everything's gonna be on YouTube you got that right hate the YouTube yeah you got to have it YouTube is just taking over yeah well it's number one it is number one all right yeah so we're on YouTube if you don't know check us out love YouTube you're on the road where you gonna be there fat man I don't even know

what fucking day it is month it is right now as you're listening I'm on the impractical Joker's cruise oh dead or drowning on the high seas Brian like Mazatlan or some shit yeah so I'm in Ann Arbor February 27 through 29 Ann Arbor comedy showcase come out to that because we had some negotiation issues so I'm hoping to sell some tickets killer club love that club and then March 5th through the 7th hyenas in Plano go to the Dallas Stars game that'll be exciting comics Roadhouse that was called yeah comics Roadhouse March 12th through the 14th Connecticut come out to that then I'll be in LA I'm doing the belly room

those tickets are on sale now it's a small room hopefully it'll sell out who knows that'll sell out March 16th the comedy store Tommy John again's gonna do a set on that that's gonna be fun and then of course Skankfest Vegas we're gonna be in Vegas March 30th through April 3rd I'll be in the 4th and then Worcester Patriots Day week in April 27th and 18th and then moon tower of course and you can go check out my new podcast called mindful metal jacket that's out right now go give it a fucking review listen to it yeah it's something nice for God's Sakes and I guess I'll get it on you everything's YouTube I got 20 messages

day one why isn't it on YouTube because it's a fucking radio show hire some quit they got cameras over there hire some douche to do it he'll put it up I do it in my bedroom oh I'm able to audio only on YouTube but go how about you fucking listen to it on the show yeah yeah listen during the laughable app we got the laughable app go use that download that stick in your ass and the patreon has the first 174 episodes of this show and every live episode all those lives are big and a shitload of bonuses tons of queues we're about to record right now there's so many queues of just one of us with a friend on the

road I did some with Greg Han and there's a bunch with just the two of us doing 10 20 30 minutes taking your questions yes so get on the patreon it's fucking $3 which is the most idiotic price we're idiots you can take advantage you can give more if you want but the minimums three yeah give more for God's Sakes I mean I'm in St. Louis this weekend at helium comedy club then comedy cast on Royal Oak then I'm in Honolulu for the Aloha comedy fest that's gonna be nutty Zany's in Nashville let's let's get some people out of that laughing skull in Atlanta Bridgeport Connecticut stress factory we're a moon tower we're in

Vegas and what's that stress factory in New Jersey but funny bone to moin Tempe improv Zany's in Chicago laugh stop in Calgary Tempe improv helium in Philly and a bunch of other stuff coming later in the year Boston Utah you name it so yeah tell a friend go gay we went along that was my fault and we'll see in hell praise Allah blow your dad eat out your sister