Tuesdays with Stories! - #337 Cooz Gay

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Hey hey folks, we've got a great one for you this week as Mark & Joe get into their favorite lesser-known insults and how we used to get hit in the head more before Mark talks about a drunk heckler in La Jolla. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: TUESGAYS) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy tits tits suck a tick lick a tit

yeah I love a tit where do you rank tits among funniest word ever because I think it might be my number one what number one tits funniest funniest word I mean queef is funny than tits I don't know queef is great you got the Q you got the E you got the

yeah but tits is so just tits tits is not that one syllable it starts how it ends right tit tit is so funny to me yesterday I was howling because I try to do the algorithm comment and so I just wrote tits on your video I liked it a non sequitur just tits a video I couldn't stop laughing well tits is also like that movies the tits that's the tits and I'll take another one boob but as an insult all guys a boob that's good he's being a boob that's good people say that I'll fucking die laughing it's funny how the old school like kind of cleaner ones are the best like that guy stinks yeah that's like a kid thing to say but it's funny

stinks makes me laugh pu makes me laugh yeah I how about this one I heard this the other day I heard in years that guy's a slob oh slob is big you know you picture the guy with the marin arrow stain fat dude tight t-shirt bald yeah anyone that you don't hear for a while I'll say sometimes it a word just hits you I was at therapy the other day we're talking about my family and then Alan just goes your family's a disaster and I could not stop laughing because that the idea of disaster of just like the fucking roof is caved in it's flooding this puke and blood and tits everywhere a disaster I love that I saw Louie on

stage once and I he went on and I go the crowd sucks they're bad and he goes ah shit alright and he goes on stage he goes I heard you guys were a nightmare we're like nightmare that's a great way to put it nightmares fun boob tits goof call someone a goof is so cutting yeah that's one of my go-tos when people tweet shit I'm like you're a goof I think that ooh is funnier than they always say the K sound the car I think ooh is funnier than the car well that's why gook I mean you got both in there ultimate classic word yet you hurtful boob gook MOOC MOOC is good because it's a little less you can't call me a MOOC

right this guy's a MOOC Italians I had this debate a little bit the other day with Renan like who's a funnier group Jews Italians or blacks and I don't mean I don't mean stand up that's that's obviously debatable Italians would be third of course in that group you got that right without even close you got man a scalco oh yeah the polo to me is like the funniest guy ever well yeah he's a funny dago and then you got man a scalco who I'm not actually that familiar with his Jenny a grease ball Richard I don't know what he is in there like Rogan's a half yeah a lot of halfies but I'm a halfie Jews and blacks as

stand-ups are amazing but just as people the Italian people yeah like all those mob movies are fucking hilarious because they're such nimrods yeah they're so funny and they're aggressive and they don't know that they're being dumb that's the funny part right hey you fucking chuch get your fat ass over here you like you don't know you sound like a weirdo yeah you got chuch and MOOC and Momo and then the half a half a fag half a retard I mean that's right I got that from Casino I thought that was Irish you're treating me like I'm half a fag or something I mean the Moolinian is gold yeah so they got that and just like the

oh that's hilarious I mean Irish comics are up there too that would be like third behind I mean even that I'm just some amazing Irish and Jew I think would almost be neck and jizz yeah because you got your carlins and your bill burrs and your CKs I don't know Irish is big all of Boston yeah all those Boston guys Mike Dunovan Don Gavin Mike Sweeney Mike I mean Steve Sweeney Mike Dunovan did I already say him Mike McDonald yeah yeah all those guys yeah Irish is big well any suffering poor dumb group is funny yeah it's weird how this like some groups just they're not funny yeah I don't think Indians are particularly it's

not in the culture I'm not saying there's no funny funny Indian cats I'm just saying out there in the world they're not really yucking it up I guess they're catching on now now it's becoming a little bit but yeah you don't think of I guess I don't know I'm trying to think I'm a turbine shuck it and jiving yeah you know I've never seen a guy in an ISIS slip on a banana peel British are very funny British very funny just because it's very dry hell yeah sarcasm yeah they're good hmm South America you're not getting a lot of laughs out of German either no and I'm not saying there aren't funny Joe here because I got a

million tweets whether you're so ignorant about German comedy yeah yeah well bring it on let me see some by Deutsch marks or some shit yeah throw me something but crouts who else but yeah Italians in movies at least that's that like great like and DiPallo talking to him yeah yeah nobody funnier that's a funny rhythm I Quinn has that great joke about how Italians are tough but they're scared of the weirdest shit like they'll beat you up they'll kill you but they're like whoa what is a yogurt whoa whoa that's a great bit it's so true interesting I'm trying to think I've been black people just talking to them

just the vernacular I mean all that stuff they're so funny they make you feel like you've never been funny you know talking to a black guy you're like I'm just gonna let this guy have the floor I can't even fuck with it yeah and they're so perceptive with the insults oh they cut right to the core those teens black teens my god the bleans they're very good at it yeah they know I think is they you got to think black folk they're always a they're on edge sure and B I think like I heard Che once say like you can dress however you want cuz you're just a white guy but I gotta kind of look nice because I'm already black so I

gotta step it up a little hmm like compensate and so they're always kind of I don't want to say performing but they're always a kind of on right you know what I'm saying does that make sense yeah I think so you know they're always also a black guy can't look dumb and cheesy and nerdy he's got to be zinging and zanging he's got to be hip some are doing that now now you got all these black nerds coming around with short pants and the glasses with no lenses that's progress that's something because now you're allowed to be a nerd because like in the NBA you got like Kevin Durant has a backpack on and

LeBron has lensless glasses they wear the suit shorts yes with like the high socks but that's like that's offensive to me because it's like I think Rabinowitz had a great joke about that and maybe gonna went to all these these guys these like alpha athlete guys being like I'm a nerd oh yeah yeah yeah and you're like no you're not no you make $50 million you're handsome you're a professional athlete you can jump over the fucking gym you're banging gash all night you're getting a zillion dollar check come on yeah exactly you got your own helicopter the whole thing yeah not a nerd there's a lot of these nerd

wannabes now I think you just go against the grain that's that's hip right you know in 30 years gonna be like hey I'm racist that's gonna be cool right you know oh we're gonna thrive ah finally um well I'm like the opposite for my whole life I'm like I'm not a nerd I got crooked teeth and bad eyesight it's funny how that works I feel like everything shifted so much like when I was a kid you hid all your problems you know like shit I'm I have anxiety I'm nervous I'm depressed I wet the bed and now people go hey I'm depressed like they come out with it now right because it gives them a hook it gives them some personality I

got they got a little personality that's another Frankie Carbone and good fellas personality I don't want to end up because in that kink all over here no I know I know I know you want to be a victim so you go hey come on buddy I was I was dittled well victim is big these days victim is big that's huge it it's uh it makes you successful these yeah my dad fucked me now I got a one-man show about here's my show about bedwetting it's like I wet the bed and I was doing laundry at 4 a.m. to hide I was flipping mattresses right well I guess it frees your spirit of your soul or your tits or your gook or whatever but now I grew up

poor everybody check me out right they used to be embarrassing right I agree I mean they people hit it yeah yeah yeah you hit everything I had weird food in my house and it was it was it was a bummer yeah I didn't know I love these problems you didn't know you had until your adult therapy you're like Jesus Christ I'm a disaster yeah to quote a therapist let me let me say this because I want to get this off my my tits I'm saying tits tit two things for that why and people are you can skip ahead skip the 30 second thing if you want here we go but I keep getting several comments got one today and it just bothers me I got two things

where people say things that I'm like feel that way but don't put it that way where a couple people will say I had to bail on Tuesday's list was getting too political it's too political wow if this show Tuesday's with stories is too political yeah you're the problem right yeah this show here political what are you tell me called Bernie a heave once I think that was about the end of it yeah you're you just say this I'm triggered I can't handle somebody saying a thing I don't agree with so I'm triggered and I'll no longer listen to the show yes don't act like this show is political no meant which probably spent in seven years an

hour a week however many hours that is fucking an hour times 52 is 500 times seven years is 7,050 yes 10,000 what do you think we've spent talking politics 20 minutes I don't even know anything about it so yeah maybe 10 20 minutes 10 minutes I mean it's like the show is too political just say I'm a fucking triggered snowflake cunt of a bitch come guzzling can't handle a line where I say hey we should have healthcare or whatever the fuck I say marriage gay marriage I don't know I think I glaciers are melting I endorse Bernie in 2016 I'll make an Elizabeth Warren joke or whatever and it's almost always a joke or a thing don't

say it's too political that's retarded you don't like it you can't handle hearing somebody say something else it's retarded and it's just not correct and doesn't make sense at least if you're gonna zing us get a get a get a big forehead or a gay brillo pad it's up then I know Rogan is more political than everything political what are you talking about just say I don't like it I hear somebody say something and I go oh he's a liberal fuck off fuck your mother fuck your parents you're an idiot and I'd rather people just say that yeah and also how would a dweeb to be triggered by politics

what are you crazy it's political it's so what it's so silly like meanwhile like nick de paulo we have opposite politics one of my best friends we check in I listen to his show I laugh my ass off Greg Han he's a retard with politics we have a great conversation we'll debate for an hour and a half then we'll laugh we'll hug we'll kiss each other in the lips sure we fit up and uh it's very strange and you're part of the problem and you're what you hate you think I'm a snowflake sjw meanwhile I'm saying with all the shit we just said that right he's gonna ruin our careers and uh you just don't like it you don't like it

skip the 15 seconds it's not too political the show's not political at all yeah and there's the one guy that was like you guys are supposed to be neutral I'm like where'd you get that who wants who wants a comedian that's neutral yeah you gotta that's the whole thing is the point of view the opinions whoever heard of that so shut up and then the other one and I'll just we'll move on no let it out fatty I got some anger problems and this happened in the wake of the Kobe thing first with Ari whatever and then I had a tweet you tweeted I hate when people say this I'm all for comedians saying whatever they want

but but blah blah blah blah just leave that part out I don't get it just say I'm offended by this joke and I think it's a shitty thing to do which is fine yeah which is fine just don't qualify it being like I'm all for comics saying such and such yeah yeah because you're not but this yeah you're not you just proved you're not in this tweet in the same fucking sentence I know leave that part out just say I'm triggered I'm offended and I don't like it I don't like you yeah I'm with you and I hate this one this is this two I hate one is where's the joke where's the joke okay so by your dumb logic if this had a

perfect setup and punchline and it was just as mean you would be you would not be speaking right now you'd be shutting up so if it was a perfect joke you would not be mad I disagree I think you would of course because Tony Hinchcliffe got death threats you know and he had a setup classic good joke yeah I tweeted a joke and people got upset there you go this is a joke it's a pun by the way right some guy was like you're a piece of shit for doing this and I'm like a piece of shit yeah a pun yeah I'm making a pun about helicopter parents which I thought was a great joke and isn't calling me a piece of shit a stranger you

don't know isn't that worse I know it's stupid and the whole thing of like I'll never listen to your show again I'm like what a what a fucking loser you are and we pick and choose again I there was some podcast I'm not gonna say which one but they were joking about these Chinese people dying and I'm like well what's up with that right you hated the Kobe thing but now the these uh China men are getting eaten and you don't care you only care about round eyes uh-huh um but yeah so it's just hey I mean and by the way hate me I get it people probably think I suck I'm an idiot and uh last thing we mentioned

this on the patreon people will sit people have said this oh list is pandering to show biz cut politically which is also shows such a level of ignorance that you're like there's no way there has to be a reason somebody's thinking differently than me they must be trying to further their career which meanwhile again I mean I talked about in the page let go listen to the patreon you can hear that rant but some people might think differently than you they're not pandering I have people have the opposite opinion me politically I'm not like well they're just trying to

right pander to whoever you pander to from that side anyways also you're not gonna pander on a pod you think the industry is going let's let's check out their mediocre podcast you know not mediocre but mediocre numbers and then I finished pandering I'm like anyway so I was hanging out with Louis CK because we're best friends I yeah exactly that's that's bad pandering folks but anyways that's my two angels the other one I wanted to say was uh well it wasn't funny the tweet wasn't funny to you to you I got plenty of comics I don't think are

funny I don't sit there and hope they die you know I'm not I'm not yelling at Russell Peters and going shoot that motherfucker what are you crazy I don't think it it's like when uh Andy Coppin read the uh what is it great Gatsby yes and everybody's going what the fuck's he doing let's leave this sucks that's the joke the joke is that it's so bad you leave and he's he's still doing it right that's the joke and the same with Ari the joke is it's horrific it's it's cruel it's tasteless and they go but it was right after I mean he should have waited no

then it wouldn't have had the bite right no bite is the joke over bite um bite mark yeah I just have no stuff because then people are like you're a pussy for taking that down and I'm like I don't like bumming people out I don't like offended people and I don't even like what people are like this is too political but I got that doesn't make sense right if people are hurt by the joke I don't like hurting people also I'm like again I'm like this isn't the hill I want to die on a pun about Kobe yeah I'm going down it's not going to be for a fucking pun tweet no down it's in a helicopter I had this

feeling too with my deleting the joke was uh I'm sometimes I'm like well everyone I know and love will think this is hilarious and then I'm just putting it out for content and part of it's just ego you just want to let people know like check out this joke I came up with yeah I'm like but I'm putting it into a world of people that hate this so I'm like why not just text all my friends and then we're like I think this too I was going to tweet this but I don't I'm not like a fuck you if you get offended by a tweet guy I get it you're offended you're offended fine but if you heard some of the things the comedians are

saying in private these people would shit blood for a month and a half oh yeah I mean the stuff that comics were texting each other in the wake of the Kobe thing oh yeah I mean we would be shot dead in the street and you queeps are missing out on that because you won't quit bitching well the other people but I get it's like you bring it to these other people on Twitter and then you're like all right which I also take issue with people like Rappaport who are like retweeting it and it's like well you're trying to maximize the amount of people are seeing you're showing more people if

you were offended by it you would just block it and with the final thing for me I've said this a million times whatever I said this probably every episode whatever happened to just not liking something I know just don't like it it's all right I don't like fucking according to Jim and big bang tits yeah I just don't turn it on my two sons was that one with the Charlie Sheen's aides oh my two dads no no that was my two dicks my two dads is 90s what is that my uh my ass is bleeding two dads my three sons that's a show and my two dads was a show no his show is called what is that the man and me the man in the moon the boy

little boy little man little man syndrome little Caesar little women what the fuck is that show called what is that two boys and a boy oh two and a half men two and a half men there it is all right so they were people at home really shitting on ourselves scallywag we got it yeah that was a little that was cute I liked it do you ever have this is this a booger or a nose hair I'm pulling on something I can't tell if it's a hair or a booger and all of a sudden I'm just crying and I'm like I was a hair I think it's a hair yeah but boy it's a rush getting that pull that motherfucker out you don't need a heroin after that well sometimes I'll get a nine-foot hair out of my nose it's just right lined with boogers

oh yeah the boogers love the hair they clink yeah clink clink hug whatever one's got a negative connotation she's a clinger um but any tips that was a lot of ranting and then we'll get shit for the ranting but you're doing the thing or the thing or the thing but do what we say if you don't like it just jerk off leave us alone jerk off in my mouth I'd like a hot load right down the back of my throat there you go um hot load hot loaded right on my back god I hated that song really I'm not gonna at them but yeah you should die who's that cream puff who sings that that was foreigner I think ah foreigner hot blooded check it and see hot blooded got a fever of a hundred and three you Kansas foreigner all that shit was garbage to me that great I never got that song what is

he saying what's a wayward son what well wayward I think we're wayward sons we're wayward we're out there what is that we're gay word I think we're I think we're just we're wayward out about we left yeah what about Chicago you like Chicago Chicago I like some of that like 25 or 64 rocks great tune Saturday in the park I think it was the fourth of July but then some of the later stuff is a little queasy it's a little like yeah they're kind of like suburban dad rock yeah some guys in a weird cul-de-sac jizzing but that early stuff 25 or 64 rock put that on with five focal ear drum whatever or are you what are they what do we sell oh a ray con get some ray con stick them in your ass and go blast 25 or 64 I wonder if that would work a speaker in your asshole because the ass is

more sensitive I think you would make you come probably yeah I think it would be pretty good like the vibrations of the decibels right in your taint sometimes I wonder because I've never really dabbled a little bit maybe once years ago as a child but dabble it's just a nice thin freshly cut nail they're great they're great dipped in some baby oil and just jam right in my asshole in the middle of sex I think I might like a lady pinky a lady I'm not talking a minute bowl middle finger or you know a bam bam big a little thumb I'm talking like a nice with tumbo yes yeah you don't want that on your anal you don't want the wiggle for sure oh god jeez I'll milk my prost but a nice dainty pinky yeah up there I think I might shoot a hot one

I'm like John again you can dance on the porch but I don't want you in the building ah that's how I feel I think that's his line that's his bit yeah great bit great bit wasn't like smoking I think because that but oh it's too much and then I worry I'll I'll need it I know a guy I won't say his name Bill Maher but he can't jizz without the uh oh I see the finger up I think you get you get tainted I thought you meant you'd need your butthole and I'm like oh you're gonna need it for sure well but I've been watching these porn's where the guy puts his leg straight up in the air and the girl just munches to town his balls are on her forehead right and you're like ah that looks tasty yeah because sometimes I'll throw a pinky in a lady's ass and I think boy I would like to see what this

is all about yeah do they like it oh ladies love it yeah you know I've banged a few broads in my day who gave me the swat you know I put a I put a touch on the on the pooper called in the swat dude yeah they were going like the hey shoot fly right bother my butthole that was an old Richard Jenny joke he goes every time I've tried to have a male with a woman she turns into Elvis right the last minute where she's like okay I'm ready oh thank you very much that's killer he does that I've heard that beauty oh man oh that's in platypus man it's fucking amazing I must have heard it when I was at a wee lad but that's that's too good I didn't probably didn't know what anal was right oh go rewatch platypus man I mean that's like one of the best specials ever yeah there was a long

time when I was a kid that I was like this is the best you know like early on you've only watched Cosby and Carlin and like me and I guess that was it maybe a little prior but I watched prior a little bit later and then you I'd watch like Richard Jen this is I'm talking like I'm 12 or 13 yeah and then you watch Jenny and you're like what oh yeah he was talking about the referees being depressed they stopped the whole game and he's just lying down on the ground talking to the microphone like this was amazing he was moving and shaking where the other guys were more still he was up there dancing and high kicking oh he was a unbelievable I mean such a funny guy oh so funny but uh for me it was that Chris rock special to bring the pain when I saw that I don't

know what wouldn't that come out we were 95 96 96 yeah oh geez I was 13 13 yeah that blew my asshole out the back door same here I didn't watch it for a while because I was like I don't think I like that guy walking back and forth he's wearing leather yeah I don't know anything about that and it was a couple of years I probably watched it the first time in 98 and I was like all right let me give him a try he's got to be in movies and it fucking blew my mind me too and for a while I think we've talked about this before I would watch that before every set whoa I would be like all right I got because I did comedy once a week Wednesdays the whole thing the whole thing and after like three months I'm like I can't keep watching this yeah yeah and then by the

way I was nothing like it's not like I went up on stage and being like you ever get a pimple you know I mean I wasn't doing rock who he gets is it you got is it but that's special you could tell even though I hadn't started doing stand-up yet you could tell like oh this guy worked his ass off on this oh yeah so honed when he drops the mic and then like high fives I think it's Tony that's in there yeah it's like oh man you could really feel because no one had ever shown that part of it before what's that where he's backstage all right he like takes the code off I think he high fives Tony is like whoo and Cosby and Carlin and probably they never showed that aspect of like god I remember being like 15 and being like god I want that feeling that must feel so good to

be like ah yeah yeah that's true Carlin Cosby would just kind of walk off stage and give a wave and the credits would roll he was like I'm on the stage I'm off the stage I'm in it baby right I'm you it felt like you could do it because he was off the stage and those other album show like the Woody I was like he likes Woody Allen I know Steve Martin wow that blew my mind oh yeah that was exciting and I remember listening to that interview where he was like talking about leaving SNL he's like I went back to my Woody Allen's and started listening to all these things and you're like oh man like he just dove back into it right and that joiner on the road with them that was the one where Louis said they were all friends with Chris Rock and then he left for like a couple years and then he

came back and they said oh let's go watch rock at Carolines he's got some new stuff and they were all like we could never do that well you know the level you listen to those the born suspect album and then you listen to bring the pain it's like it's a completely different guy night and gay and there's gems on uh born suspect this gem but it doesn't have that big swing and dong all day no it's uh it's amazing and then bigger black as a year and a half later oh that one's killer killer yeah hey we really did something we got a we got a hot hot uh sponsor here folks oh these guys are not just sponsors they're huge fans of the show oh you got that right which is exciting and I'm wearing their product right now oh yeah and I'll tell you what I like about I don't

I don't fuck whatever the copy is sure go off book baby this is underwear it's sheath underwear they're fans of the show so get on it oh yeah but they got a little well how do you describe a pouch for your balls and a pocket for your cock yeah cock pocket and here's what I like about cock it here's my favorite part of it give me cock it every time you go to the bathroom you pull your dick out of that pocket it feels like you're pulling out oh I really like it yeah because the fabric is soft and slick yes so it feels like a little girl's twat and your dick's a little lips you get that feeling of like it's I'm loving these panties folks you don't see that in the copy that's a good boy that's from the heart I assume it's not in the copy but they're they're listening

and we love your stuff there uh sheath this episode of Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear that's right sheath that's s-h-e-a-t-h uh what makes sheath underwear different simple sheath underwear has a special two pouch compartment that keeps your twig and berries from sticking to your inner thigh that's it that's the idea and it's brilliant brilliant I love it I'm wearing them right now I'm wearing two pair I'm a big fan they're made from super couple blendum uh mow doll and span decks it stretches as you move and keeps you cool and dry no bunching no pinching no sagging sheath underwear cradles your junk like a mama gorilla holding their precious new born ape so go to sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code twos gaze that's how you know he's a

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but it's a good good work it really caught on and perfect and it's a lot better than uh campers you know there's some bad ones out there the weirdos and the what the fuckers and all that shit yeah I really enjoy uh WTF and it's a great show and I think Marin is kind of be talented but what the fuckers yeah I'm not calling myself a what the fucker I can tell you that twos gaze caught on and now just people going like I'm a gay like how fun is that I'm gay and then we get to be gay we're gay we're gay and uh it's really fun so kudos call in if you're the guy that came up with twos gaze you got that right but I want to prove for purchase uh I want to see that tweet I want you just coming out and saying that timestamp that bitch uh but somewhere it's

favorited there's a lot of people doing the uh we're gay everybody's gay I'm gay I'm gay I feel like we had a we had a hold on that one that that dick early on you know what's nice too is gay does mean happy like the Flintstones gay old times so that we got a nice out yeah we're happy we're making everyone happy you're making us happy well I'm making some people unhappy but fuck you why you fucking libtard uh what can I do I guess but you know it's weird too about uh well two things one do you think straight people joke about fucking holes and stuff you know like fucking pussy oh the way we do yeah with each other like how you're like ah suck your dick just on my back that's all just stuff they do right they're like ah eat a girl out you loser you know well I gotta

say I think very few people are doing that kind of humor in general ah yeah we're straight people aren't either I mean I think we talked with it like I think we talked about on air I can't remember it was off air but I'm like Kristen Stefano and I our entire relationship is just talking about fucking each other right right so I don't know how much gay relationship when you break it down with just without the physical yeah we're just flirting we're flirting um but I don't know how often people are doing I don't know it's probably very offensive I don't know yeah I don't I don't know is it I don't know anymore gay listeners I assure like real gay homosexual yeah there's plenty of gay listeners and they like it but that doesn't mean the other people aren't offended I guess

I don't know but aren't we like normalizing isn't that a thing because I had a muslim I think we're doing the opposite oh okay I think we're making a mockery of it ah Colin mockery well I had a muslim guy email me and I was like oh here we go I'm gonna lose my head here I didn't really had emails yeah and uh he goes uh I love that you say praise a lot I was like what I wrote back like can I ask why he goes because you're normalizing it people just associate that with terrorism and this and that he's like you you just make it a thing it's the same with mausoleum not a Jew but I say lehi am and all that shit who cares it's all silly yeah we're kidding mix it up dickless um yeah what can you do I there if they're offended they could just not listen I think

that's mostly what goes on I assume but uh well I had I wrote a suicide tweet today and some lady goes not funny unfollow and I remember just thinking just unfollow me exactly I got so many of those from the I was I had a tweet up for 10 minutes about Kobe there's all we're gonna unfollow and the best part is a lot of them you go back and they're following still that's what I was gonna say I bet she's still following me there's a guy that tweets at us every week and I remember having a thing where he was like I'll never follow you again you fucking and I'm like he listens every week and that's the best part there's so many people I'll never listen to this show again I'm like I fucking guarantee you're listening next week that's hilarious you know it's uh you really

want to get down to brass queef is uh Ari with the the whole whirlwind he emailed me once years ago I probably shouldn't say this but he wrote you called me fatty the other day and it really hurt my feelings really I was like oh that's just something I say you're like you're obviously not fat I wouldn't say it if you were fat I'm not going up to Ralphie man going hey fatty right you know and he was like well I felt like I put on some weight and I was thinking about it and you said that and it hit me hard yeah oh shit sorry man I I only said it to you because you're you're you're a holocaust victim right yeah shirtless half the time I know him and his balls are out and he's very thin yeah sometimes that happens I yeah it happens so I said oh geez I didn't I didn't mean

to I'm not saying that to Joey Diaz because he's a large man you know right yeah what can you do but it shows that Ari has feelings yeah he's got some feelings we all have the feels oh yeah good CBD well I got another thing and I forgot it yeah well let me tell you about La Jolla yeah give me some La Jolla because uh I gotta get you in this club I mentioned you to the to Ryan the the owner guy yeah I'll tell my agent to suck his dick or something oh man so uh hey this this is one that we've all been there so first of all I'm on no sleep I hit that guy on the scooter remember yes I remember I missed the pod I made it I missed the train I finally make it to La Jolla you get there and they go uh you're doing press and I go it's sold out why do press it's like

seven in the morning you know terrestrial radio which no one hears anyway it's all very cruel press is kind of cruel it's tough because then you're up at six you can't get any good sleep during the day and you got two shows at night it fucks up the show but either way so I'm texting like what's up with the press because Sam Merrill's like oh you don't have to do that's just the rule if you're sold out you don't have to do press but they got to deal with these guys and they pay them I don't think that's the rule but well Sam does what he wants yeah he does so uh I'm like all right I'll text my agent hey what's up with this press he's like I'll handle it I'll handle it and so they put you in a condo in in La Jolla but it's like a Denver condo it's like good stuff it's on the beach

it's clean it's beautiful it's high end new stuff state of the anal and I go all right well I'm fine with the condo I just don't want to do press and she wrote back she's like couldn't get you out of press but I got you in a hotel and like all right but I I didn't even care about the condo but whatever yeah so I go to the club and uh it's a little tense I meet the manager guy and I was like hey sorry about everything earlier I was trying to get out of press he's like yeah we have a deal like we paid for you got to do it and I'm like all right so I and he's like the guy's a Tuesday or whatever so that's nice it was nice it is the thing like if it's in the contract it's in the contract it is in the contract but I just figured they wouldn't care if it's sold out you know but

also let me if I may interject the best thing for your business is what Louis always talks about is to have people not be able to get tickets like you do press you kill it on radio people go we gotta hear this guy like oh it's sold out oh interesting that's the best thing that could possibly happen for a career a business or any kind of business is like you can't get in right because then the people are like what we're missing all right when he comes back we gotta fucking you know what I mean you want that feeling of like we can't get in there it's human nature you walk by a taco stand and you go oh that's a piece of garbage joint and you see a line around the corner you're like I gotta get in there yeah you're at least at least you're like hmm I mean

I know what's going on in there yeah you know Google that place or something so either way now it's Thursday so we patch it up with the guy Full House beautiful club 1977 like this is the old days baby like the Letterman shot us up there the Robin Williams the Delano the prior the whole thing Jimmy Walker and all these older guys and you're like wow so everybody you just can picture all the guys driving from LA you know and they're convertible in the 80s just having a good time it's all wood big comedy store sign on the on the stage beautiful history low ceiling it looks like a ski lodge in there and those walls are caked with laughs from you know 30 years 50 years whatever laugh cake and you just go up and they were I just did tape my little special thing there at the

dynasty typewriter sure and I did on Thursday at the La Jolla and I go I should have taped this this was way hotter don't you hate that I hate that all the time well that's the problem with Madison everything you do in Madison you're like this should be my album yes exactly so I'm like yeah dynasty was good we walked away going on I think we got something there but this was like you know the place was wacko hot hot and you're like you know these people are happy they're rich we're two blocks from the beach that you can smell that salt in the air it's just paradise over there so whatever boom Thursday shows killer go back to the hotel great place wake up early do press press was good we talked about Ari it was fun and it's on YouTube and then next day rolls around

and I'm like I can't wait to get back on that stage can't wait to do the show again go up Friday here we go pretty good as you can always tell when you got like the date night like these people don't know who I am they bought tickets a month ago for a comedy show sure so there I don't do as well so you're like oh maybe it was just that magic Thursday and then Friday late show hammered hammered the whole crowd I'm getting the lady on the left going yeah it is you ever you ever wet the bed every night uh all right you ever you ever lose a hat hats I lose them baby just too much and doing the big claps where like I'm still talking and she's clapping about a thing I said an hour ago and uh eventually I go hey and you're trying to will

the staff like hey yes you know but I don't want to I don't want to make it a thing yet because she's nice she's just dumb and annoying so eventually I go I can't I'm 30 minutes in and jokes you can see everybody's looking at her they're doing this one so the joke is ruined because they're already attention's off of me and I go hey lady what are you doing she's going yeah and I go you gotta get out of here and they throw her out and it's a hole to do finally I finished the show I get in the lobby and they go it was brutal out here the guy was a twos gay his girlfriend was in a blackout he said this was the worst night of his life his biggest nightmare has come true he came to see a twos and I shit on his girlfriend I called her a skank they they that thrown out and

he he never mentioned a peep throughout the whole thing I think he was embarrassed she's a coos gay yes new term I love it that's killer who's gays are the evil ladies that hate us yeah this boo booze gays coos gays and twos gay I'm a twos gay booze gay and I'll fuck a coos gay but sure yeah this coos gay had had to hit the hay she was shit fey and the guy was like I'm telling mark I'm sorry it was a beautiful moment I felt for the guy now yeah god that happens actually quite a bit well the girlfriend isn't a fan like she doesn't listen to the the queefs and the gays and the jizz and the anals well I hope they broke up I know but that was a a meal snapper I guess so deal breakers what I meant meals what the hell's that I don't know if my rods and cones get screwed up I got you

uh but then I'm getting a lot of this one hey there's no tickets left can you get me in and I try to answer all the dms and I noticed this on Friday night sell out but there's a lot of empty seats I guess people just get drunk and can't make it yeah that happens quite a bit I think because they oversell shows we oversold it people say that it's like an airline they oversell yeah because they assume people aren't going to make it right which I didn't get but I go all right I didn't know that so I go man it's like 12 50 seats over here there's five over here like that's a bummer you want those laughs so eventually people start going hey any any loophole which you're kind of annoyed like I don't run the club man talk to them yeah I have no pole here this seat there's 18 seats the 18 seats

are filled what do you want me to do put you on the ceiling so I get it so I just go start coming by just go come by and it's a gamble no promises but just show up okay and everybody showed up they all got in hey all right yeah it was exciting that's fun so yeah thanks to all the La Jolla great club great staff tried to sell some shirts had a big pile at the end I had to hide them and I hope they never hear this I hid them in the green room it's a whole thing I just got a wad of comedy shirts in a green room I've done that so many times you do like you leave something behind because you don't want to carry it oh you forgot you're feeling like ah shit yeah I'm gonna do that with a baby one day and I go no I was trying to get rid of it we got we got shirts coming out

new company new shirt we're gonna have hoodies for the first time you got that right the first time this this hoodies before we had some hoodies yeah but these will be high quality top of the line hoodies yeah we got a friend to the show working on it are we saying the name we revealing are we we're gonna tease well I guess we'll wait till we get the website right because I don't have a link yet she's working on it okay well this comes out in a week I don't know I'll be ready to week all right but I'm supposed to get a design this weekend so might be up by the time oh no no I forgot the design you're gonna get the design it's gonna be a live laugh quiff yes live laugh quiff folks see the designing woman yeah but so get ready for your live laugh

quiff different company it's gonna be shot right to your door high quality and we'll have t-shirts and hoodies and possibly some panties and undies I think maybe two panties are gonna get in there so get the lady something because I always show up with these shirts and shit and there's no girl sizes right yeah because girls are stupid but uh I'm kidding but um but they do have smaller brains is it yeah or pussies I can't remember something smaller I'm cervix and nipples some of those nipples are huge everyone's doing you see a huge nipple big ariel like a silver dollar pancake but I don't know is that some people are into that like a big apple pie um reference anyways live laugh quiff shirts coming your way soon you'll be the head of the office party the

head of the town your gal's gonna love it live laugh quiff maybe those will take off and we'll add new ones yes live laugh tits live laugh anal live laugh cunt right throw an n-word in this spice it up a little bit I like it yeah dago um any slur guk whatever you want hebe we'll mix it up we'll have a whole collect the whole set pick your own yeah make your own pick whatever yeah yeah whatever you call your dad dick face cheese bitch whatever it is uh cox my uncle dale came up with cox mooch when we were kids unreal maybe the hardest tooth I've talked about this before two things my uncle dale would say that made me laugh so hard kiss my dick and cox mooch I'll kiss my dick so genius just kiss it just suck my dick or blow me is a whole thing but just

saying kiss my dick oh that's you that's classic occasionally I'd call it kiss my grits which was also great well that's not his that's from the movie oh what movie is that from uh Alice doesn't live here anymore 1977 Scorsese that's in there no that's before 77 I don't know how old dale is now that was like uh like Alice and live here was like 67 maybe oh no who's that knocking on my door was 67 uh Alexa maybe you're right maybe you're right I'm thinking of who's that knocking on my door which is the first one that's different yeah yeah this was about the diner it's a great movie right right no one talks about it great movie um kiss my girl I don't know if she came up with it but I think that kind of put it out there in the zeit right geist well kiss my dick made me

fucking laugh and cock smooch because they're related brilliant that's poetry I think I mean it's hard to beat depolo uh that guy's a real goo gobbler well I heard that one I had an aneurysm my brain tweaked well that and his that it always makes me laugh is big girl now he's a big girl I mean so fucking funny every time he had so many lines that I'm talking like he's dead he has so many lines that he'll say and I just fucking cry laughing no matter what the um what do you call it context ah yes yes he's a big girl that's gold also making girl two syllables is great my dad says one when he's driving that I never got but I liked it but he would like he'd get caught and go ah this fucking pig hole which I don't know what it means but it works a pig hole

yeah that's where the pigs live I get maybe it's the the hole the asshole of the of the pork I don't know but it's uh it's interesting like a pig puss and it's kind of clean too I can get away with it pig hole yeah yeah I mean they're not gonna be happy about it if you call someone that I guess uh well I got nothing we're gonna have to fill this in here oh yeah yeah so just great weekend uh I'm hoping oh how about this I think I got some you want some Jerry stuff yeah of course I want Jerry stuff what am I a fucking asshole all right well I haven't talked to him since the cows came home like the jewish new year whatever the hell I haven't talked to him since Christmas or something July 3rd so it's been a while it's been a minute as the kids say and uh I go you know what I'm

texting him well I can't live in fear no more of this bullshit I know he knows me he's a guy I'm a gay fuck it so I did that Lamborghini joyride with old Matt there in the Malibu and I got I sent him a photo and I go hey we're carving it up in the Koontag hope you're good and he wrote back quick and he wrote back how do you know that goofball oh wow which is I love and then uh I go oh you know whatever he reached out in a podcast and I go hey I'm doing Gotham this weekend you said you might want to pop in just let you know uh open end or what do you call it open air open invite yes open invite open invite who's the one I'm thinking of a mere a maryl air heart what the fuck's her name Amelia yeah what about her oh he said open air and I thought oh I see I see planes

ilia bedelia so uh he goes how about this I don't know if I'm supposed to be divulging he goes I'm at the beacon fuck Gotham but I'll hit you up after I got an idea whoa and I go hey uh you want to get a diner you want to do this you wanted that never wrote back oh can you believe that what a what a tease way to leave a guy's sack hanging in the toilet water there's something funny about just telling you when you have an idea and then be like oh I didn't involve you I just wanted you know I have an idea right right god well I'm sure he'll get back he'll come back I hope I got an idea I think I mean like I got an idea for us or for you or something yeah Norton had a great joke I told him he's like he has an idea for me he just he's like oh what if he just sends you a

bunch of photos of uh Kate spade Anthony Bourdain you know yourself you know that's classic Jimmy oh but uh yeah but yeah I'm on the edge of my dick here I don't know what the hell that could be one of the most underrated scenes in dumb and dumber he goes uh I think I just yeah I just had an idea he has to confirm whether or not he had an idea right right um boy how long ago was that was yesterday so joneson for this idea yeah well hopefully you'll get that idea soon maybe the idea is not fully formulated yeah he's finishing up the formula and then he'll stick it in your ass maybe but also you're weird he wrote a he didn't write fuck god he wrote f Gotham so even in the text he's clean but he swears in the movie yeah remember that first moment when you go to

the movie and you watch comedian and he says fucking you're like what mind blowing blew my mind it's like seeing your principal give head or something you're like whoa this is worlds are colliding here boy now I can't think about his mrs pierce blowing me oh you had a lady I had a guy well elementary school was a lady and then mr mcgoodwin I think was the middle school and then high school mr gay actually how about that what's he doing at the school that's that's suicide mr gay well he was the wrestling coach and he was the principal he can't trash the print I think he has to be the principal yes yes if you're gay you gotta be principal and then wrestling is already like dudes and a onesie blowing each other there's a lot there yeah yeah yeah this mr gay is uh walking on thin dicks

did I tell you about the ihop in New Orleans yeah you did on the pod yeah yeah oh geez are you sure I remember the ihop while you told me you went there oh boy and uh Han was funny thought I had something on canal street we had some drug drug lady speaking of principles I got no a fistfight in grade school with this kid Kwame Kwame he was like a straight up African kid like he had the African pendant like a Malcolm X thing oh hey dependent it was bad but you know you don't want to fuck with an African that's the heart that's the motherland independent so I got a few Kwamis about this story but we were cool we just had it out one day over like a dodgeball thing and you know we're we're wrestling in the in the dirt and we got pulled up to the to the

principal's office and I had a bloody nose and he had a black face and uh so they're like you can't fight at school so they had to call our parents now my dad's a working man he's got a suit on he's at the municipal courthouse so he was doing a you know my cousin Vinny's situation yes so he yeah trial there you go so uh he can't come down but he's like all right I guess my son's is getting fighting uh ethnic kids what's going on blood diamond so he shows up and Kwame's dad shows up full dashiki the little hat you know that little round hat that sits up uh he looked like you know uh kuntakente or whatever okay and he's like hello hello he was like uh Eddie Murphy and trading places at the end you know and uh he's like these kids cannot be fighting you know

like straight out of uh straight out of Africa and my dad's like yeah all right just tell punish him I gotta get back you know he didn't give a fuck he doesn't want to be there he's like whatever you get whatever you think just punish him and I gotta go and he was like no we must talk about this we will have dinner me and you sir my dad's like dinner what are you crazy and it was this weird moment where I see my dad like all right just punish him fuck the kid I gotta go right and the other kid's dad was like no no we shall show love and break bread and you know eat ass it was just a wild scene break bread and eat ass is a bumper sticker if I've ever heard one get on it designing woman that's a T uh so what what ended up happening well I just I got suspended

for like a week and we became friends again but uh it was it showed like this guy loves his son and my dad's like hey uh I'm at the meter you know sure yeah try not to get a ticket here who cares the kids fight that's what they do leave me alone I wonder where Kwame is now oh he's gotta be black lives mattering it up somewhere he's in Ferguson doing something he was a good kid we were friends good egg ah boy he's uh yeah he's with Jesse Jackson somewhere Kwame we love you buddy Kwame he's been at work my house many times that away qualms yeah qualm qualm um we had so many fights in school it was just happened you know middle school particularly I mean a million every day yeah same rock fights every morning maybe I talked about this before the rock we would just whip rocks

in each other yeah the most insane thing yeah yeah and it wasn't like be careful no head stuff I mean it was like probably 40 yards between us but we were just fucking whipping rocks at each other biblical you stoned each other yeah well what can you do those were wild times you know that 90s it was public school I remember one time uh my friend got into a tussle with this other dude Christian and he was this kid was bad news he had jacked up teeth and he either freckles sounds cool to me he was he was dicey and uh so my friend was standing on a you know at a brick wall like this you know just standing in front of it and they got into a thing so he hummed a basketball hit my friend in the face so the nose pops and then he hits the back of the head on the wall

and then he gets the back of the head trauma and uh he just started crying I mean he lost it he was fucked so we learned later that Christian's dad used to beat the shit out of him usually that's the way it goes yeah boy so much back of the head I feel like you're right he'll do you have the bit of it you always get the wind knocked out of you when you're a kid yes that's a great bit but I feel like I always hit the back of my head because you're always wrestling you're like oh oh and that's like the most traumatic spot to get hit it fucks you up and it just hanged that I did clunk you know it clunk sound it's it's so visceral I've told us so before this is a thing I told Louis and he was like howling laughing he's like you gotta do that as a bit and I did it like in a arena in Jerusalem

it just ate it wow what a sentence I know but it was about this kid a friend of mine Dave he felt we had a thing called the widow I think it was called it was like a big a big thing we set up in the gym that was like um what do you call those like monkey bars and there's like a big metal thing you climb on okay I think it was called the widow the widow yeah I don't know why it was called that I don't know about that but whatever it was Dave could Dave tripped and he smashed the back of his head on the fucking whittle thing oh god metal and you know back then you're so embarrassed yeah you don't want to cry or look at an asshole so you just went oh ha ha wow and there was this kid I think his name was Rob Jolly and he was kind of like a jolly yeah and he was kind of like a

bully kid he was like a tough kid one of the tough you know back then there's just like an air about somebody that's like this guy seems tougher than well it's a prior rough household situation sure well he walked out everyone was afraid of him he was older than us and he was tough he'd you know moon yeah or whatever wedgie tie your shoes together but he walked up and to the kid Dave and he's like you gotta stop laughing your head's bleeding whoa and Dave was like what no I fell I'm such a goof and he's like stop laughing your fucking head's bleeding look at his fucking head it's bleeding and he was kind of like concerned like the bully kid was like that's a bad dude you're bleeding and it was bad he didn't have to get stitches in his head whoa they had a shade so he

had a big bald spot there and he was all stitched up but I remember feeling like god even that kid is concerned oof but uh if somebody's in louis thought it was so funny the bully and then the other day we were talking he's like funny at all Louie was like you gotta bring that back he's like you're a stronger comic now and I'm like I don't get the bit I don't get the bit either no uh live a little uh I had to think because you're so embarrassed that you can really when you're embarrassed you can kind of mask pain better you're so embarrassed that the pain the embarrassment beats the pain ironically the embarrassment is pain uh-huh that's the pain is better than the pain I think emotional pain is tougher than physical pain there you go that's

what I'm looking for so one time I did the old my friend Jean's house he was a Belgian kid and I just walked straight into the plate glass you know the uh this is double pain yeah I walked right into it like nose flat forehead ball sack mouth the whole thing you know when there's that smudge of jizz on the wall because that's where your face hit oh yeah the forehead jizz yeah and I was like oh my bell got rung like when your nose is like humming you know and your face your nose feels like it's this big oh it hurts so bad and I just kind of I just like all right let's go let's go play basketball now you know oh man it's stung I told you the one where uh we were running my friend Eric was like elementary school we came with this thing again Uncle Dale showed me that if

you run you you smack the thing and just come just short of the the wall but you smack the wall so it sounds like a boom oh that's you know what I mean like you do like a oh oh yeah yeah yeah that kind of thing so we're doing that and we were pretending to run full speed like it gives you a rush you get high it's crazy and then my friend Eric ran full speed bang and he just like staggered back like fell down and you could see the fucking eye spinning and you're like we felt so bad you're like oh shit this kind of backfired yeah and he's probably gonna you probably can't read now and he shits blood on Wednesday because of this head smash from you know 25 years ago yeah he's a helmet kid now but that head to skull to hard place is the worst kind of hit yeah I think it's that

particularly the like I said the back of the head no anything about these football play you just watch him get sacked and just unprotected I know and you hear the clink of those helmets cracking so it's no joke I I hit the back of my head on the concrete floor to skate park I just slipped backwards and I was I was out and you wake up with eight kids around you you know peeing on you and shit brutal hmm well I'll tell you we really made something out of here something out of nothing we gotta I gotta start sucking my own dick here because I got a hot therapy session oh yeah you got a skadoodle but keep an eye out for these shirts they'll probably I'm saying maybe I don't know how long it takes two weeks two weeks or something when you're hearing this but we got

some live laugh queef shirts oh yeah coming your way get a hoodie I know it's gonna be it's bad time a year for a hoodie but those hoodies are nice oh yeah hoodies always work you wear them to bed you walk around the house your boy we're on a plane I'm all hoodie I'll tell you what I've been doing is just bringing a backpack on trips I wear a hoodie and like a nice jacket uh-huh and then I throw some undies and pants in the thing backpack for the weekend makes it easy like on the road on the road if it's three days because here's the thing I wear the same jeans every day I wear the same hoodie two three days in a row just stuff underwear and socks shoes underwear yeah yeah that makes sense I'm a one shoe guy all right where you at there fat man why check out

comedian Joe list dot com for some dates I'm coming to Ann Arbor the end of last weekend in February I'll be at Ann Arbor uh Worcester mass woo-ha-ha in April the Uncle Dale firefighter show is coming up again this is gonna be a big one New England classic we're getting a uh bigger venue I'm looking at my calendar here bigger then well we're gonna go going big now we're gonna try to really sell some tickets and raise some money for this goddamn fire department it's May 9th and I think it's gonna be in Quincy Massachusetts stepping it up yeah but uh Royal Oak Michigan May 1st and 2nd Sarah will be with me on those ones of course moon tower Worcester April 17th and 18th Vegas the entire first week of April March 30th through April 3rd I won't be there this Saturday the 4th

because I got something hot cooking that well somebody's got something hot cooking I'll just be part of it got it comics at Foxwood's March 13th through 14th hyenas Plano Texas March 5th through the 7th and then the belly room in LA at the comedy store uh March 16th come to that and of course my new podcast Mindful Metal Jacket is up and Adam and uh go check that out if you want listen to that yes I'll be I think of this week I'm in Royal Oak then I'll be in Honolulu Zany's in Nashville Atlanta Laughing Skull Stress Factory in Bridgeport with this guy in Vegas and in Austin that'll be fun then New Jersey Stress Factory and New Brunswick and uh Des Moines Funny Bone some other stuff Zany's in Chicago those tickets are up Calgary I think Tempe's happening we're

working on it Philadelphia uh Happy Holidays we love you get some sheath get on the Patreon bonuses cooking live apps will be uh pouring in within the year because we got moon tower and yeah probably no I guess when I could do a Vegas live but we'll do Skanks Skankfest we're doing one Vegas maybe we'll do a Wednesday I don't know about Vegas man yeah we'll do one in the hotel room for sure yeah we'll do some episodes and then we're gonna do another live VU probably at some point they'll have us evidently we walked quite a few people last time yeah we got pretty down and dirty a lot of come talk but yeah I like come in my mouth come um try a finger in your ass and let us know what you think call in 69 when's the last time you're 69 go 69 88 90 yeah it's been a while

so go 69 your partner and uh thanks for listening we love you live laugh