Tuesdays with Stories! - #340 Hawaiifi

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

Aloha ya chooches, we've got a hot one this week as Mark flies to Hawaii to do shows and get caught in the rain while Joe see's some huge bush in a steam room before taking in a ball game. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yo folks you know what it is Tuesday hello we had a Tuesdays come out on Super Tuesday yeah that was fun I got so many Super Tuesday tweets even Sarah came

home was like it's Super Tuesday that's fun yeah is that always been there I don't remember being a kid here about Super Tuesday Super Tuesday oh yeah it's been around for a long time oh weird Super Tuesday started I think you know Tuesdays with facts get ready started in 1980 and that's when a bunch of something like that I think was 80 like a bunch of states were like we're all gonna do our primaries on this day now it's grown because whatever 10 states were the fuck I know and you didn't did you vote I voted yeah I had a fucking what do you call it absentee I get one of those fucking things but you're here I got a

Massachusetts business yeah New York didn't hasn't voted yet I don't know when New York's primary is so how did you vote you went to bean town no you got an absentee what is that I'm out of town boy you love tea yeah I do I'm drinking one right now steep you got a nice fucking send it over oh yeah yeah I gotta I gotta learn how to vote that's fun it's exciting you feel like you're part of something but you're really not it's fun yeah the sticker who I love a sticker yeah nobody cares that's all still we're all gonna die one day that's true we should really spend a lot of time thinking about it yeah what think about

dying yeah oh you gotta live well that's part of living you think about death not in a sad way just an accepting way of like yeah it will happen because otherwise you know you're living in denial I guess I think yeah I think you got something there fatty because the whole thing is the ending is what makes it good like I was just in Hawaii and my the guy was with this guy Andrew Youngblood funny comic from Houston he's like I'm gonna I think I'm gonna move here and I'm like but then it's not Hawaii now you're just living in this place you can't just move here you get it's like eating cake every day that the

the beauty of Hawaii is that it's gonna end so you gotta soak it in fatty I suppose but I mean New York is great we live here true but we work here we got our business we got our stand-ups we got our clubs our sellers our pot our lunch stuff anal yeah I guess but he's on vacation I'm say this ain't vacation no it's a vacation love and stuff but I like blowing you but I'm just saying it's this is work I think but Hawaii if you went there it might be nice if eventually I guess you get used to anywhere right no matter where you are that's why I won't get married but yeah I don't know I don't know I think I think

he's living in a pipe dream mmm well he's probably not gonna move probably but he's extended his stay he's supposed to leave Sundays like I'm staying on Monday and I just talked to him today he's like I'm still here but I do think that too sometimes because I will talk about this a lot on the podcast and I say that a lot evidently people have told me but I every time I go to the beach or LA and I'm hiking I'm like maybe I should just live here I'm happiest when I'm in the ocean right my peak happiness so I'm like maybe I should move to the ocean mmm and we'll hit them into the ocean so being in the I get what he means if

he's like I feel happier here I should move here but of course problems are gonna arise there yeah but my point about death is it takes the teeth out a little bit because you have all this fear and I was reading this great book called the antidote different from anecdote about how everyone denies it it's actually difficult for human beings to think actually think about death for more than about five seconds whoa you naturally come off of it is that right yeah try it sometime to think about not just like we're gonna die but like actually indefinitely put yourself of like we are going to cease to exist for

eternity yeah baby no coming back yeah no even right now it puts a weird feeling in my stomach and I have to move my face out of it really I think about all it's so much I might be I think I'm numb but not now I don't mean like I gotta get cancer we're gonna die we're gonna live I mean like actually thinking about the emptiness of nothingness permanently forever eternity no thoughts you're gone and all the people walking on the sidewalk who'd never heard of you in a hundred years never thought you're not even a crumb on the table of anal earth the fucking galaxy and life is not even gonna blink an asshole no just nothing

affected nothing and think about actually being thoughtless a lot of times you think about death you think about like it'll be black it'll be weird like no no there's not even that no thoughts no you're you're nothing nothingness yeah it's kind of relieving it's better than the alternative of living forever you don't want the immortal but if you sat and thought about it would make everything seem less dramatic like you know like my flight's delayed up you're sitting really there was like an old Buddhist thing if you're getting a fight with a friend or a loved one to imagine that person 3,000 years from

now just their complete dust long gone you're like what am I mad about right yeah these people who don't talk to their uncle I ate my uncle he fucked me I'm gay all this and then you're like that's all gonna be nothing you're gonna be dust my uncle are all sexy fire with mustaches so I feel like if they fingered me when I was a kid I would have been kind of neat sure I mean they're heroes yeah never forget never get that diddle deal with poles and hoses all right but hold on back to death yes I've noticed if I say we're all gonna die one day the crowd gets kind of like ah geez no they get Bob that's what I mean they're

denying I've had so many jokes about death and the crowd's like oh yeah it's gonna happen because people like really like we talk about it and think about it a lot but like for a moment here we make jokes about it but people really get serious oh yeah I mean you ever look at an old photo from the 20s you go they're all dead how about that everyone in this photo with the street car and the hot chick with the kneecaps is gone yeah it's like Louis bit like most people ever dead like the majority people are dead oh yeah zillions and zillions well there's so many people on earth now that number might be there's no there's no no

contest no but the population growth is so insane where I'm like I think there's I don't know two billion people on earth yeah 50 years ago there was like a hundred thousand people on earth yeah we really quadrupled so for like whatever a thousand years there was like 80 people dying a year sure now we got nine billion fags right here on earth yeah that's a lot of AIDS but yeah I should have said that I should have said AIDS I'm trying to double down on your offensive sometimes I gotta I gotta work on it I use the fag very liberally and I gotta stop it's a good time plus you smoke but you know I'm not saying it of course of like

that gay guy no no it's that idiot I do feel bad I do have a conscience from like ah geez but it's such a fun funny word gays giggling in a tree house somewhere with a butt plug in well that certainly we have like our 38 gay people that love the show and offended by it love your homos we do we actually love you I'm gonna call you a honky a bad tooth a herpy I don't I don't dislike you bad tooth that's hurtful but it's that worse than fag I guess it is because it's specific yeah I mean I can't at least as a parade there's no teeth parade you know I might start it yes that's pretty fun start it up I think attendance would be low yeah no one

wants to watch a bunch of snaggles walking around you get some rednecks and a hockey guy maybe yeah hockey's fun they got a missing molar but theirs is like it was like punched out of their head sure mine's just bad genes maybe some crack heads methods yeah those all caused it it's such a bummer I've always stopped this that like I'd always a joke like my sister had nice teeth and I'm like what is going on here you just have regular teeth no braces I had braces and bad teeth at the same time interesting yeah my mom perfect teeth never brace yeah weird some people just lucky some folks are lucky and some ain't mm-hmm that's

from reservoir dogs but I think that's what the the religion is somebody made religion because they got depth is a little tough load to swallow I'm gonna make up a whole heaven with my aunt and we're singing and it's on a cloud sure talking lady you know yeah well that's the thing like I understand religion when I like I talk about this the other day with my wife and sister like I had norovirus one time for like 18 hours puking shit it was insane I was like oh if someone had this in 1482 of course like the devil got him yeah fucking Satan yeah I was like yeah yeah exactly watery wild shit firing out of my

ass at the same time that I was puking he's possessed it's a demon in him yeah and I'm crying of course they're throwing holy water and I'm in fucking hanging them in the streets sure this is crazy get rid of them getting quarantined is fucking ass I think that now I was like I think the fucking spirits got me yeah yeah yeah and they think when you puke you're like you're getting rid of the spirits and all that that's what a sneeze was that's why they go God bless you or whatever right that's why they swallow come yes spit it out you're gonna look like Satan's cousin swallow folks it's good for you

isn't that nice a nice swallow nothing better than a nice warm blowjob and then she comes up and just with a nice empty mouth it's wild I'm like you didn't have to do that but we all appreciate it yeah I had a girlfriend previously that would hawk it in the trash afterwards yeah it was a bummer because you're like well now we just have like a weird spittily load in the garbage but I mean I you can't expect them to swallow I feel I get the load in the in the trash I don't expect but I'm like I would just say keep it in that mouth an extra four seconds spit it right in the toilet and flush it okay I'll give you that because

there you got weird load just fermenting in the along with you know a banana peel and fishbone and a shoe I go I've watched a lot of cartoons throw a shoe in the trash I know what you mean I know what you mean it's like when people hawk a loogie I saw a guy hawk a loogie in a garbage I had no lining and I'm like come on man that's just gonna sit on the plastic in the hot sun for six months well I'm a loogie hawker with the reflux and whatnot and I feel bad but I was just reading about the corona business and they said that's one of the thing you can't be spitting around everywhere there's a lot see spittle all day long

those those gooey lugs on the sidewalk I had a friend with a tough guy dude Bruce tough dude he would beat you up kind of guy and he was he got a BJ the ladies liked him he got a BJ and she tried to kiss him and he goes I gotta brush your teeth I remember being like dude she blew you and it's your stuff you gonna make I would lick her lips after I don't give a shit yeah that's hot get right in there yeah hmm but he thought it was like a cool thing like tough guy hey I ain't making out with my own semen well that's the nice thing if you like if you're in to come like you kind of want to suck a dick sure that's the closest you can

get without being like I'm gay sorry oh yeah yeah you've had jizz in you yeah you can go a little jizzy make out yes we could eat that cream pie you ever do that no I never did it that's too much isn't it too much the the the spittle when she sits above and spits it in the other girl yeah is that what is that a snowball that's a snowball a snowball cream pie then there's the what is it called hammer fisting now when you punch her in the other strawberry shortcake what's that one that's your puncher in the nose and then she's got the jizz in the blood all right little violent that seems unpleasant yeah who's actually doing

that huh somebody I guess somebody's doing everything out there call in if you've done it but hopefully we won't die you know it scares the hell out of me but when I actually sit and think about it I'm like that's not so bad so you die it's just like before you were born and I look at it as a positive like oh in 60 years I won't have to do push-ups I won't have to brush my teeth I want to wipe my ass well that's when I get there when I'm having real anxiety and stress I'm like being dead with it's not so bad no you stop worrying about all this shit yeah that's what suicide is you go hey I'm I'm I'm done I've had enough

it's a wrap yeah I got somebody reported me to Twitter by the way because I tweeted out a suicide joke mmm I said if I ever kill myself I'm gonna put the note on Patreon now that's great that's pretty good and then somebody reported it to Twitter so Twitter sent me an email but it was funny because they were like somebody was concerned about you but if you're concerned about me reach out to me don't reach out to Twitter that's annoying you know what I mean the email me and be like hey I hope you're doing okay a couple people reached out which I appreciate the concern but I'm fine that's just a tattletale that's not

helping I posted a thing on Instagram about suicide and they deleted it yeah we're fine what do they think the people are gonna go see that and go maybe I should do that like what's the the reasoning there I think they're worried that we're gonna kill ourselves like they're like we're worried about this guy well deleting my shit is gonna get a make we want to suicide quicker that's a good point I have a point well oh wow I gotta tell you about Hawaii hit me with Hawaii first of all I celebrity siding in my neighborhood well let me guess give me three guesses all right get hit me with three all right I know a couple

people that live down here or I know of some people that live down here no hint no clue you're going balls of the wall rando here give me give me three randos and then a hint okay and then I'll give you two randos and a hint then you get one more okay okay all right all right I'm gonna say here we go all right the hood the city the anal the Jews muzzle well I'm gonna do the thing where I say a guess without guessing okay it's not I know it's not Matthew Broderick because that would just be like a whatever yeah that's just a regular see how I did that I did a nice guess without guessing well done okay I'm gonna

say Sissy Spacic no but good alliteration what the hell I threw it out there I like it coal miners cunt okay how about Parker Posey Lewis can't lose now now now all right big news give me the head give me the head yeah I know she went to an interesting looking ladies yeah well here's the thing I was thinking Parker Posey because she seems villagey yeah but then I came up Sissy Spacic popped in in place of Parker Posey popping but then I thought this is my thought process I wanted to say Parker Posey I wanted to be my first guess but Sissy Spacic came in instead of Parker Posey okay so then I thought I better

say Sissy Spacic because what if it is Sissy Spacic and then I'm the guy that was like I was gonna say that you were gonna say that everyone hates that guy and no one ever believes that guy that guy there's no other worse feeling than not being believed right that Chappelle joke is so great about Clinton wait what was that one that was about you you hit that bitch he's like no I didn't I didn't please believe me yeah that is that the Clinton joke I don't think so the Clinton one was like he's like you could you know Clinton fucked her by the way he denied it when he because he was like he came out he's

like I did he looked like he just got laid he's not have sexual relations with that woman they sniffed his finger he's like you're gonna accuse the fucking someone that you didn't fuck like I never touch that bitch fuck you that is the same joke yeah yeah any who all right so anyways that's why I said Sissy Spacic so give me a hint and I'll throw it all right I'll say I'll give you an occupier writer writer author oh geez why I mean there's only like two that we know it's a pretty good hint I'm giving you a real nugget here all right boy throw it a nugget yeah Denver Nug I mean how many writers do you know that's

the thing there's not that many I've got to go Stephen King Dr. Seuss and Hitler no James Joyce nice he's kaput Hemingway he's done as well I'm suicide boy Henry S. Thompson also he's a suicide guy too all right is he suicide Thompson yeah what he do shot himself right in the face good way to go you know a good writer move I'm out of writers I glad well oh did you talk to him talk to strangers oh shit I should be said damn it that's good now he walked by and I saw him a mile away and I got a confession to make that I'll tell you after that I've been holding from you oh geez yeah he walked by I saw him and he was at the

light I was at the light on opposite corner caddy corner and he walked by I went you know we deal with some some fanatics so I didn't want to be too scary but I go big fan and he goes yeah and he kept walking oh that was it so I didn't press it I would have said I've read your most recent book what's the name of it again and then he'd say talking to strangers not say nice to meet you that would have been a fun little that's big and then he would have been like you're the 11th person that said that today yeah you're not an outlier wow I don't know if I'd recognize Malcolm Gladwell if he walked in here and

spread his ass cheeks for what are you kidding he's a half black mix race fusion swirl he's got a little gay fro and a caramel skin hmm he's definitely recognized them opposing fig or opposing in but yeah half in but good egg good writer now my confession is this is so embarrassing oh boy so I got a bunch of free shit free merch from clothing company alright and I wear it during the day because it's so embarrassing but it looks cool but I can't pull it off so I just wear it around non comics because they'll shit on me what is it fooboo what are we talking no I got a bunch of Herschel shit Herschel Herschel it's a it's a

cool clothing brand like a hip like Herschel Walker yeah yeah hip hip hip trends hip threads one of them is a trench coat I walk around town with it on I look like a detective you can't have a trench coat I can't have a trench coat but I love it does it have a belt no belt that's not it's the executive beltless yes it's the executive wow I walk around town in the village with sunglasses and a trench coat I feel like I don't know I feel like McQueen do you ever like have it just over your shoulders without the arms in the thing oh I can't do that that's a neat look and then you sprinkle it off like Doc

holiday oh that's hip the shrug off that used to make me a little turned on and tombstone yeah fight he does a shoulder shrug that is hip it was really something that's lunch but yeah I walk around this track I get a glimpse of me in though in the mirrored windows I'm like look at this guy I feel like a writer I feel like Steve McWheaf that's tricky it's tricky getting the new look going I can't do it it's not me and I know it's not me but I get to live throughout I get to live as a cool cat for 10 minutes that's kind of fun I go to laundry I come back with a trench coat on enjoy yourself I'm gonna show you

photo me in it sure all right all right look at this it's embarrassing put on the patreon oh this is my suicide note this might get a couple of extra patreons here I was hanging out with Salicus wait look at that that's me in the in the laundromat oh that's too much isn't that too much yeah you look a little I look pretentious and cunty a little bit I mean it's it's a cool coat it's not you know but it could be you it could be I can't I can't I pick as I walked on the street I picture you know some guy so they're going what the fuck is that you know it looks like you should be like a Bill Cunningham blog yeah

I'll take that but I have like beetle boots on with that right right yeah it's a Ringo dick mmm but alright I feel way better I've been doing it for weeks yeah have fun out there I'm having fun you know it's fun well oh give me some why all right I got a lot of weird Hawaii nuggets now tell me what you think about this there fat man cuz this is kooky oh don't forget we have ads at some oh good call we better do a better job this week yeah that was my fault that threw in a couple anti-semitic jokes we got into some trouble 10 and a half hour flight to ha ha ha Honolulu to be exact hmm done that one it's not pleasant not the best

island of Hawaii no no you got Maui and the other one and they're way better Hawaii just it's like it's like Santa Monica it's a bunch of fucking Prada stores and in a Trader Joe's I thought that's a Wahoo Honolulu's a Wahoo right is that a Wahoo I think so how lose the cap yeah all right Honolulu's in a Wahoo you got to go to the North Shore that's like with a cool surf that's what what do you call that Wahoo's who there's a Haleva and the big fix you in the city in the city yeah highway houses you know Red Lobster yeah we drove through there was kind of like yeah yeah yeah you go to Maui it's fucking cliffs and you know

mountains and palm trees and anal right all right so first fun fact Hawaii Hawaiian Airlines out of JFK got to get there a little early it feels you know I just had that passport rape and it feels like you need a passport doesn't it yes it feels like it should be in it I mean it should be international it should be it's 10 hours it's an island but it in it's America they're their own race yeah we're howlies yeah they call us and they're fucking scary mook asiany looking I think the story of Hawaii is somehow pretty shady oh yeah we really raped and pillaged sure I think though what is a pillage I have no

idea I don't know what plunder or pillages yeah yeah sounds like a drug overdose I was thinking the same thing pillaged give me the pillage right we get you 38 oxycutons so I've sitting first of all no Wi-Fi and Hawaii in the life on the flight oh yeah that's absurd and I didn't know going in so I was like I'll get some work done I'll send out some tweets I'll put up a post I'll do that and then like I asked the lady cuz I couldn't get on I couldn't find I was like can I get the watch it goes oh there's no Wi-Fi on Hawaiian air I was like what it was like somebody said there's no bathroom it was insane no

that's crazy you're not an offline for 10 hours kind of guy I want to tell I'm just picturing you texting me or showbo or the girl or the mom or my aunt it really is a sickness I put my phone in the other room I'm like somebody's texted of course I got to get that text could be Jerry exactly all the cameras off fuck fuck tits I just noticed it just now I don't know oh god sorry everybody how long did only a second I look over there every 10 seconds that's back on while I'll keep an eye maybe it'll blink again or something please keep an eye on it good catch well we're back all right boy that was a

good save there all right so there's no Wi-Fi all right so there's no Wi-Fi now I'm on this flight the woman next to me she was speaking Spanish the whole time to her friend above her gross and she's he goes well don't don't talk to me you should be studying and she was like oh yeah you're right you're right cuz she would go in and out of a Espanyol a and she had a big stack of papers with printed shit on it and she read them for 10 hours out loud no no just to herself flip and highlight and underline and I was like at some point she's gonna tell me this guy is not looking at her we got TVs here she studied for 10 hours that's

insane I've never it's like 10 hours cumulative my life right and she would take a nap or an eat but I mean never looked at her phone never looked at the TV nothing wow I was like man you think we're hard working they were discipline I don't that well you know you feel good you do something like I did a book report right I wrote a bit or whatever 10 hours a straight Wow unbelievable I could I would wake up and check and she's still going I couldn't believe it inspiring inspiring yes he did not need inspiration story so yeah war what is it good for so I watched every episode of succession oh wow did you like it I liked

it wow amazing any drama I like Brian Cox and it's Shakespearean it's like King Lear and queer I never cared for Shakespeare oh really nah pretty good don't get it all right it's got good reviews but yeah so we get to Hawaii I had the best moment in Atlanta Hawaii it's a five-hour difference you know it's that's how far it is from LA right LA is three which are like what three hours that's it that's a chunk but five hours to chunk when it's 7 a.m. over there it's noon no yeah is that noon that's five hours no pretty sure yeah you might be right eight nine ten eleven twelve yeah you're right thank you thank you isn't

it weird that though how close Hawaii is to LA really yeah for us that's like flying to Omaha yeah like New York to Omaha is LA to Hawaii that's true I feel like I'd be going to Hawaii every ten days yeah why not LA's it is kind of magical I mean you drive around you're like it's hilly and this greenery and lush yeah gays rains yeah so mudslide so yeah washed off succession loved it then I did that thing when you get in Hawaii and you got some time left you know like it's like five at night or five in the afternoon and I just did that thing when you drop the bag off and you just want to walk around yeah I love that I love that

it and Hawaiian air the air there not the plane Hawaiian air literal air is different it's not hot it's not cold it's not dry it's not wet it's a magical place for sure I love it because it's also like way further south than you realize oh yeah it's like way further south than Florida right right it's way down in the middle of the Pacific you're halfway to Japan or more yes it's it's very fresh you get that salty ocean air the palm trees it rains every day so there's like some kind of mist yes as a mist mystify gorillas so we walk around and his families and people and hot chicks and bikinis and I just you dip

your toe in the water and the water's not hot it's not cold it's just right and it's like I feel like fucking Goldilocks here and I just had a beer on the beach and it's it's a special thing you get why people like it but wait what were you there for like a couple days yeah yeah I really fucked myself I was a fort there was 11 hour flight basically twice so that's 22 hours I was there for three days ooh that's tough that was a big mistake I think I did the same thing when I went but once you're there you're there exactly you know you let go of the flight and enjoy it yeah so I walked around just beautiful and I did a thing

where I got was getting hit up like hey are you here you know cuz once you're there all the other comics like I need you like there's no one here I know so you really bond with people you barely know sure you want to get that hang go yes and I said I'm not hanging I'm going to bed because I want to be fresh tomorrow I want to get up early I want to hit the beach I want to have a breakfast I want to have a coffee I want to have a sex and woke up hit the gym at like 8 a.m. and I'm all off time wise went and got some loco moco that's their big a delicacy I remember hearing about loco it's basically like a beef

stew over rice with a thing of potato salad the middle that sounds incredible amazing you throw some hot sauce on there you're diary ring all day and it was worth it had a loco moco just laid out I like to do the I'll meet up with you at night I want the day yes I lay it out all day got a tan had a couple of my ties on the beach talked to some cougar for like an hour it was really fun and I had the fun bartender who's like half Cuban half gay you know shaking it up going hey whatever that shake is sexy oh bring it over here you got a little bicep going really something and he had a couple roll-ups on the sleeve so it was

a solid eggwap muffin right there on the bike like that and he had a slick back air to pencil behind the ear I mean you can tell the guy gets he's just pounding fucking cougar gas all day well he's probably from Idaho a lot of people move out to Hawaii like I'm gonna go bartending Hawaii for a couple years I went to high school with like 11 kids that just moved to Honolulu for six months yeah that was a big thing couple of mass kids going across town and they bartended and got laid and made all the money and now they have friends they go back and visit it's pretty good yeah why not why go to college you didn't go to Hawaii

exactly a bartender you get drunk and you you plow of fucking milk Anthony DeVito did that he lived in a tree yeah he lived in Hawaii tree yeah they have only people that just live in trees like homeless what I'm telling you Anthony DeVito lived in a coconut tree for like six months I swear to God that's treason all right so yeah had a great then we did the show that night the show was killer because I think they get so little comedy that they're like oh baby they're all juiced up and it's like seeing David Copperfield they're they're riled up they saw us on Rogan they're Tuesdays they came out the guy had his

son with him and the mom of the daughter I mean they're the whole family comes Bill Mar talks about that because he does that New Year's show in Honolulu every year which is like my dream gig tell my agent I'm like get me into that gig sure but he said he's like I was the first guy to go there everyone's always said there's no market in Honolulu so nobody goes maybe we should go do it live Tuesdays they're out there folks they might shit the fucking blood for a month that they heard us well that's the cool thing Hawaii's they're there what's the word it's I don't want to say primitive but it's a little more it's

island people like these are like I want to get drunk get laid and get sun they're not worried about Twitter and woke and jizz and Bernie and all that they just like I'm living man and if you talk about Hispanics and gooks I'm on board they're there they're there are simpler people sure I'm talking with the locals and the visitors right they got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip flops they're not worried and they got a weird tattoo and an earring you know there's a fun Lucy Goosey's yeah they're having a nice time but I've also watched all the surf documentaries and they got some if you surf in the wrong place they'll beat you

to death so that's the primitive aspect that's all they're animals right so they're like yeah it's nice come here and we're all cool and hang Lucy yeah similar to Canadians where people always talk about Canadians are friendly they're nice they're so soft they don't do this they're nice and then you watch the fucking a hockey game and they're just they're all punching each other in the face and slicing each other up with their hockey blades that part I made up sure but same with Hawaii like it's hang loose hang ten fuck your mom and then you surf on the wrong break and they fucking shoot you yeah yeah yeah those

under toes by the way hang loose hang ten fuck your mom that's the new merch right there hang loose hang ten fuck your mom he's well hung but yeah I just but that's it that's the balance you get your googly goo nice guy oh sorry maple syrup Mountie fuck face and then you got your I'm gonna beat your ass over an IPA in a hockey game you fucking blue J whatever they are over there the canucks blue chatting is baseball that's Toronto blue jays the Vancouver connects which I think is a slur blue gay white canuck but they're team team we got the the Brooklyn heaps right no how's that not a team I think they got

sold they haggled all right all right I'll keep it rolling here next I go out with it with the comics all night we just pile one on when you're in Hawaii you're like well it's magic town I won't get a hangover wake up I want to kill myself but here's the thing about trips anything that's a hassle you should do that's my little tip to the traveling man or woman or train is you know you wake up you're hungover you want to eat you want to have a coffee you want to jerk off you want to take a boom-boom but you gotta you're and my friend is text me Andrews going let's get scooters let's go jump cliffs and let's get

some food and and live it up and you go ah that sounds like a lot you know it just getting out of bed as a bitch you want me to go find a scooter place rent it give my credit card fuck that then you got to get on a scooter drive for 40 minutes and then but you go wait I'm in Hawaii I'm not coming back here for 10 years let's fucking do it and it sucked but I was so glad I did it but that's like the essence of travel you're like the waking up in the morning that cab to the fucking airport going through security board in the plane trying to get your thing in the security the person's fat elbow the bad breath the fucking

the screens don't work yep all that bullshit getting off the plane get back in the cab waiting for your luggage check it in the hotel but once you are there you put that fucking suitcase down and you're just free in the area like yeah it was all worth all worth it all worth it sister and we get to do it every week most people go on one vacation a fucking decade here here so good point blessed hashtag thank you me too so we get the scooter I'm hung over at the scooter place and I'm like yeah yeah no insurance no helmet no hymen I hate myself take the card you know and then you give me he had to drive me he had a

scooter already so I had to get on his fat ass and get on the back and then we go around the town and the whole thing was a nightmare we finally get the scooter I chug some Kona coffee which is some strong primitive native slave shit I'm juiced up we get out there 40 minute scooter ride me and this other guy's side and we're down there we're scooting sun is in my face sunglasses on flip flops on you got the wind going up your panties feeling good the hangover is going away a little bit rainstorm every day talking monsoon Katrina Nashville fucking sandy you name it just that those rain that hurts it like stings your

forehead I yep yep and I would take my sunglasses up then it was hitting in the eye so I'm just you're driving like this I was like dumb and dumber and I had a big gulp and I swallowed a June bug and it was so bad that I see my friend Andrew and he's like he's doing this like pull over on the highway and we get off and we had to sit under like a what do you call that a canopy thank you a canopy and we just like let it go blow over and then you're like all right let's get back out there cuz we don't want to happen again let's just beat it you know and we just hit us again and we just said fuck it we just kept going and

it was it was scary like you're kind of wobbling trucks are whizzing by it was rough yeah that's scary but we see you're only on two wheel that's a bike is if you fall you're already you're outside of the car if you fall you're gonna get scraped up and you're gonna get run over and it's wet and I hate myself and I'm gay and my dad's fucked me and the bush woman yes and the indigent so we get to the we get to the the cliffs now this is where the whole masculinity sets in you get to these cliffs just taking your shirt off feels weird there's all these locals with tribal tattoos and buzz cuts and neck jizz and all this shit and they

gotta have a fucking tooth in their ear and all this deal they got a they got a necklace full of eyeballs of people they killed and spears and they're doing backflips and triple Lindy's off of these rocks and you go first of all that's terrifying I'm scared even look over and they're doing backwards bullshit and they're all making fun of each other and they're probably making fun of us we don't even know and you're like I don't even get back up this is just rock right you know this ain't this ain't Dwayne Johnson this is rock this is just fucking jagged wet barnacle what do you infested see urchin they got these black

spiky things on there Gary to me yeah it was crazy and they're just jumping and there's this one cute gal with them of course she was a pretty hot lady and now I'm fucked because once there's a pretty girl around I'm a pilot jizz and I can't think straight and she was like what are you guys doing and she said the n-word a bunch really yeah that's my kind of lady I know she was pretty hot and so I was like what's going on here but they're just so tough they're just such urchins and weirdos that they just they live like that you know and there's no black people there but they're saying the n-word and this and that and they say it

like a like a rapper like what you doing you know I don't want to say it but you get it so eventually I have to stay on the edge and they're all staring at me so I just jump the whole thing was like eight feet but it took forever and my friend jumps and now you're just getting brushed around on these crazy waves and you're like all right I'm gonna start climbing up and the the rock the waves just slam you against the rock and it's just jagged and spiky and you're like God I cut my leg up and then you got to just pretend like it's not scary you want to go oh my god but they're all watching you and they climb up like

fucking roaches yeah and then like your like little leg scrapes are burning the rest of the day and you got to try to pretend to listen even though you're like get in there and be like exactly and just putting your bare foot it stings but you're like I gotta I gotta do it you just push yourself up then a wave hits you have to cling to it like a bitch and you finally get up the rock and you're like well I'm not doing that again yeah that sucked I've had the exact same experience in Hawaii with Sarah and you go to a thing and it's like you jump off this and it's a natural lake yes and it was like kind of chilly

because we were there in December and I was like I don't know yeah and then you start to have that thing of like I'm in Hawaii what am I doing you want to have a story right and then you're just wet for the rest of the day and you're bleeding yeah exact same experience and you see all these travel videos of people jumping and you don't think about the little parts the climbing back up the cold the roaches the n-word the whole thing all that part adds up and then you also I always have the image because it happens we are like and then you broke it in half and they got to bring a helicopter in and then they're on the

news the fucking white asshole tries to do the thing we do yeah and they got like two pieces of wood duct taped together to make a cast yeah thanks Greg tried to jump and be local and fucking ruined his toe and now he's dead yeah the whole thing sticks so one guy just didn't even jump and we got up or like well let's just go eat it's all about eating you just want to go eat well there's no better feeling I think about this all because you love the feeling of swimming in the ocean getting an adventure yes but the best feeling of the whole thing is when you're dried off backdressed at the restaurant yes you

like to have that feeling of like I went down the hill winter sports summer whatever it is you never feel better than when you're safe again right in the cabin after the skiing you got a dry sock after a wet fart yeah just comfy at Starbucks being like woo back to normal right right yeah but I was glad I did it it was a nightmare and all that but I did it yeah even the rainstorm and we bonded you know all of the guys because we had the rainstorm we had the rock we had the howlies and the whole thing and we left we went and saw some more rock stuff and the sun came out we scooted home we did shows that night got drunk

had a black got drunk on the beach which is so fun when it's dark on the beach there's a couple of tiki torches you know because we're all right and just just a great time went to bed woke up saw Pearl Harbor the next day hung over great movie great movie Ben Affleck he was there and we took a little boat around live saw the whole thing and I is a little guy with a crew cut like a big fucking man like from Idaho talking on the on the mic on the boat going this is the USS Arizona was sunk in 1941 and then he does the whole thing and he's like you know he's all patriotic and choked up and he goes any questions and I go

you ever had an angry Japanese guy on here like who was pissed about it because if we're upset they're upset too cuz they fucking kamikaze did and he was like we have had that and it got like a good murmur going and I was like hey all right and you know my friend was like don't ask that what are you great that's gonna get weird but I was I was genuinely curious you there's gotta be some proud Japanese cook who's like I'll do it again you know right and they're probably a little upset cuz we fucked him up pretty good after that yeah we did couple of Tom X yeah yeah they play a movie during it I saw I look around I

saw a couple of eyeball slants you know I was like this is this is awkward they're like these Japanese evil motherfuckers we're gonna kill them all and they show this old footage of like people like I hate the Japs and I'm like that guy could be Japanese I mean he might be a Mongolian but he's something yeah well just saying it was awkward he bought the ticket sorry fire me where it's like a 9-11 Memorial they're like ah these fucking Muslims and some guy was you know with a turban on like I'm just selling donuts I don't know just saying cut out the slanny eyes I'm just saying I felt for the Japanese nips yeah

the zipper head so I came home and now I'm here hey folks are you looking for a natural deodorant I know that making that change of deodorants can be hard you don't want to try something that doesn't work because then you'll stink literally even if it is all natural well I've got a new sponsor to tell you about folks native deodorant native creates safe simple effective products and has over 8,000 five-star reviews so you know it's the tops native deodorant doesn't contain aluminum parabens or talc you may have your doubts about switching to natural deodorant but let me tell you it works I use it the lady uses it she

puts it all over and she smells like a big barrel of peaches big fan of the native and you can get yours now and see how it compares to your regular deodorant that knows there's no risk to try native is free shipping and free returns in the US yeah I got some they sent us I appreciate everyone that sends us stuff the ad folks here and I use it and Sarah uses it also and Sarah has now that's just her deodorant she buys it every month or whatever however long it takes her and she's not going back and I'm enjoying it too and I like it I smell fresh smell good I don't perspire and it's a really great deodorant and I

highly recommend it to everybody listening and for 20% off your first purchase you can visit native deodorant dot com and use the code Tuesdays during checkout that's native deodorant dot com and use code Tuesdays plural during checkout native deodorant take care of your body it's the only place you have to live here here they're there what's the other one don't say away no no it might just be native I think it was just me all right we're back so that was yeah get yourself some native deodorant please please yes you stink pick it up you go I've been hogging with Hawaii no I I'm all over the place is I got some new

stuff that just happened and then also I gotta go back to Arizona I got more Arizona but then I told some Arizona so I'm trying to figure out what I told of what I didn't tell the SS Arizona but this is a fun moment so sad not Sarah who's my other wife Louie yes much uglier Louie and I went to we did Denver then Phoenix then Tucson it was quite a trip one night in Denver three nights in Phoenix one night in Tucson aha which is too long yeah I have like do you have a mental mind-body clock yes that by day five I'm like I gotta go home I can't do it same with me same you need to get back to your nest yes I got a wife I got my

smoothie that I make at home I go to some meetings I like my steam room gym you just like I like my bagel place I like my organic peanut butter that I smear all over that thing smear I like my nice my shower just right my bed nice to have things you like though most people want to get away this one guy wouldn't leave Hawaii you want to come back that's a good thing I love my therapist I miss here like you just like I gotta be home big L yeah Dave I yeah and it's like there's something off you just feel mentally a little like something's up here yeah yeah I'm with you and you're living out of a case you got a big bag of

jizz with all kinds of panties and unmentionables and dildos you want to come back to your own dildo murder was the case that they gave me I got my away travel bag yeah but anyways so we were out there and we get to the hotel in Phoenix we stayed at a hotel called the sanctuary and Louis like this is about a half hour from the gig but it's up on the mountain it's like by Camelback Mountain and it's like a it's almost like a rehab place they got tennis courts everywhere nice steam room great right it's a it's a rich people resort you believe it and everyone's hot and real like the staff is sexy the people are

sexy wow sexy staff that's rare and you get like a like a bungalow like I was like a little plant like it was insane bung me so he's like this is a nice place you go and you kind of recharge your batteries a little bit all right so I go great that's perfect so we get there we played tell you an epic game of tennis and we're just fucking around we're playing these like I let's start keeping score and I have that thing I like you sure you want 78 and a scandal so I fucked him up on the tennis court which was fun and he's getting a little competitive but knocked him out but every day you steam and it's like a great

steam room there's guys in there Nate one guy what do you think about this a guy full nude laying fully across one of the bench is like a three bench situation fully across naked just full black bush old wrinkled cock just like this and I thought I'm like either one of those things is inappropriate yeah laying down is bullshit and fully naked his horse shit is he reading I mean what is he a coffin what is this he's just laying down there he's in Shavasana fucking Shavasana who's that black chick that's a yoga pose I didn't know that dead lady float or something all right so he's just sitting there like half asleep and it's full

steam and you're like what is this and you can just see like it's so steamy it's like a steam cloud all you can see is the black bush oh he's in the steam room he's in the locker room no he's steaming just sitting there that's weird so you just see this the greatest cloud like a black cloudy smear and you're like those are pubes I recognize them anywhere yeah black bushes though the worst pirate ever it's offensive yeah but I'm like you're taking up four seats and you're nude that is kooky but now is he got a towel down no towel that's anal skin on the tile it's double rude one nude equals double rude t-shirt so we're just like what the

fuck and then it was it felt like we were in an episode of impractical jokers because this guy gets up and leaves with snickering because we're comic assholes sure he gets up and leaves the door closes and then immediately the door opens and a guy comes in full shave he's got the shaving cream all over like Santa Claus and he sits there and just shaves and he's whistling he's the opposite of black beard we're looking at you like what the fuck is going on in here white beard it feels like we're gonna be like oh we're just kidding we wanted to see if you guys would fucking right fuck us in the ass or whatever

but anyways great time up there on what happened he shaved I mean he shaved his whole face and then just left what this place is this is with these rich cunts they got all this entitlement yeah laying down black bush I'm shaving well the next day I'm in there steaming and I start the guy starts chatting me up some guy and he was like have you tried the hot tub it could be a little warmer you know and I haven't been in there I didn't bring a swim trunks he goes you don't need swim trunks and I was like oh I don't he's like you just go in there naked he's like it's it's a it's an exclusive club so people but I'm like a

hot tub naked is strange to me straight people are okay with nudity more than us I think I don't like to me your dick is offensive I'm not homophobic I'm not shy about my cock but I mean I'll take it out without people's permission as a joke so Louie but I'm not just walking around naked like that no no that's wacko strange cookie but so we get to the hotel and they have all the spring major league baseball spring training is going on in Arizona the cactus league it's all around there and they play like every day so I'm like we got to go to a spring training game I'm a big sports guy obviously sure so I looked up the

schedule and the Anaheim Angels Stadium is like a 20 minute ride from the hotel okay so I go Sunday afternoon let's go and Louie says great I go I'll get the tickets data baby chip in so I went in there stub hub I got row B next to the dugout it's like you died and went to heaven we're right there we can get row a there was no row a now are you are you primo on stub what do you mean you should be dealt to comfort on stub hub I don't think they give you any points or anything that's kooky you guys should be all over that well it's a it's a guy selling the tickets oh it's a thing but like if you and I had tickets to a

concert and all of a sudden we got a gig we throw them on stub up so the guy's got to get paid he's not gonna give me a discount just because I have a problem I thought it was a big skyscraper in Detroit typing I mean there's a skyscraper probably because it's a company but also it's the guys tickets I don't know what goes on well that's true all right I don't know much about stub well I get the stub up maybe we should get them as a sponsor yeah that's what I'm saying you gotta get something you could you be gold platinum good point well I get the tickets and we go we work out in the daytime and Louis he's a little he

moves on his own schedule a lot of the time I'm starting to sweat it I'm like hey we gotta we gotta go here but you get there we go we have a nice breakfast and then the Phoenix we're doing three shows like a 2,000 seat theater so Friday Saturday sold out Sunday a few tickets left like a handful 40 tickets so we go out for breakfast we're like Santa Claus people keep recognizing me like oh my god I can't believe you're here I wanted to go to your show we go to a coffee shop the lady kind of sexy she's like I wanted to go to your show but I'm working a double and he's like oh man I well if you can get it covered

I'll give you a ticket she's like I can't oh my god I'm such a huge family take a photo the whole thing we go over to the the breakfast place we get breakfast and there's this like super hot chick black glasses like me she looked like me if I was attractive and a woman can't even picture it I don't have the mental capacity well it's it's maybe not me bad example but sexy lady tattoos glasses very very attractive and she comes over she's like I am fucking shitting my pants right now and we had already been Louis does the thing where I'm like I was like I'm gonna go hot this waitresses she comes over she's like

I'm shitting my pants and he's like he was a fan of yours before you even came over here and I'm like what are you doing don't tell her that oh that's cool it was fun I mean if I was single maybe it'd be something but she does this like I'm acting it out but you're you're me and then Louis here I'm the woman she went like this okay you see that look oh no she was she this is Louis she goes like this yeah like it was like a half a second glance just moved her head looked at me was like yeah didn't even respond which shows you what fame because I'm an ugly fucking guy but I mean come on I got him beat you got a head of hair you

fit right right but anyways but you know he's a genius and all that sure sure so she's shitting her pants and he goes I'll tell you what you want to go to the show and she's like what I gotta work I'll get someone to cover my shift he goes you can have two tickets what's your name so I write down her name on the phone something Higgins and she got we got two tickets she's like oh my gosh can I give you a hug she gives me a big hug oh my god we go back to the coffee shop the lady's like I got my shift I can I still get a ticket he goes yeah take her name down so I'm like Santa I'm texting all the tour managers put down

Susan for two well I'm betting for two and then we go to oh I just thought of this a guy reached out to me on Instagram and he goes hey huge Tuesday you're opening for Louis I want to go to the show so bad I wish I could go and I turned to Lou I go hey can I get two tickets he goes of course I message a Tuesday I go you got two tickets under your name for tonight whoa haven't heard from him what never heard back I just realized right now in this moment this Tuesday chuchu reaches out and says boy I wish I could go to the show I get him on the list I'm like your name you're on the list he blew me then he's like I

can't believe this is insane no word afterwards maybe died no after the show that was amazing thank you very much I assume I don't know I don't know if you when I think you'll get excited in the moment they go when later than an hour later they go and I go I can't get a babysitter whatever but I'll tell you I got him I feel like he should have you know send some kind of message yeah geez give us a chipotle or an oob let me just tell you folks if someone gets your tickets to a show and you go yeah it's rude to not say great show yes or thank you or something blinkin again a blinkin alright whoa whoa whoa yeah we're

recording okay hit pause and play got it sorry we're having all kinds of technical difficulties our cards are full and I'll do a video apology or something yeah we lost the YouTube but fuck YouTube it's a podcast now I know but people love it they got 55 minutes they're gonna miss the last four minutes alright just plugging anyways alright so anyways where the fuck were we though alright so Louie oh we give the guy I gave the guy the tickets never heard back from him then we go to the spring training baseball game we get there right on time we go down there it's like it's like a stansy just keep walking we're

all the way down field level what the same level as the field row B and we're seats one and two next to the dugout so we're like in the dugout wow it's so cool I was hoping someone was gonna recognize him and invite us in for like you know coffee yeah but we have great seats great ball game it's fun we're just laughing it up I just keep yelling you know sporting event and stuff and Louie's like this is a side of you have never known I'm like I like to kind of heckle I like to get involved with the team and stuff I'm yelling in the dugout and like can you put me in I hit 321 in high school and he's laughing wherever

the good time we're kind of killing in the section but you can tell some of the people were like shut up we come here every day it's an old people you know well you got to push it fuck them well we had a nice time and then we go to get ice cream like let's go get some ice creams we're at the baseball game we had hot dogs and ice creams we're having like a father and son picnic you're living baby having a great time so then we're sitting there eating our ice creams and I see the 50-50 lady walk by she's going 50 50 good-looking lady she's going 50 50 I go hey 50 50 let's get some 50 50 how fun would it be to win the 50 50

yeah so she comes over I go hey 50 50 and she turns he goes Joe list come on I go yeah she's like oh man she's like I know you I'm a huge comedy nerd oh my lord she's like I just listened to you on honeydew I'm like this is so crazy she's like this is amazing she's like I'm like the biggest comedy nerd in the world you might hear this I love comedy she's looking at me I'm looking at her she's saying I'm a huge comedy nerd I got the funnest moment of my life I get to do like the head nod to her cuz Louie's wearing sunglasses and a hat right so she says she's a comedy nerd I'm standing next to the best comedian of

all time oh my god she's like whoa what the fuck and oh my she goes I wanted to come to the show but I worked night I'm like I'm a comedy nerd who works nights doesn't make sense working over there nobody can get off for a fucking night wow this is America vote Bernie so Louie goes you want to go to the show I'll get a couple tickets so we get her a couple tickets oh you're handing these out you ticket master I'm the ticket master so it's exciting we take her name down and very beautiful woman by the way Arizona the chock full it's hard to not feel like you know me I know like me unreal you're a good-looking woman that

knows who I am this is saying bananas it's very exciting and what a time to be alive so that was cool we got the 50-50 we didn't win which is a bummer but it's so cool to get recognized when I'm next to Louie yeah right and then it happened again the next day some guy was like Joe this huge fan and he got nothing for Louie which was nice so I don't know if he didn't recognize him or if he hates him but it was good to start getting some recognition for God's sake kind of a big dick move you're like hey sorry chuch I'm the king now yeah move over there pantyhose I don't know what that means it's a good Beatles song but

anyways we should wrap it up since we lost the video I don't want to rob the people but there's more to come more to come from Arizona and I got also I had the biggest night of my career we have to get into that next week but yeah that was really something you were a part of it Louie the whole way we'll talk about that next week tease but hell of a tease we got some big stuff coming up as you know this weekend I am at comics Roadhouse in Mohegan's son Fox Woods Connecticut what the fuck it's called not Foxwood Mohegan son comics Roadhouse this weekend little big dick Rogers is gonna be there with me yeah and then

next Monday a week from yesterday I guess is the comedy store belly room come fill that up for God's sake skank fest of course then Vegas March 30th through April 3rd I'll be there I gotta swing over to Boston on the fourth for one night then Melbourne comedy festival I'm going to shouldn't have said yes to that the scheduling is ridiculous but members like Hawaii once you're there you're in Australia hugging a koala getting committed it'll be a good time did I tell you this already my flight leaves on April 5th I land on April 7th my birthday is April 6th yeah I got no birthday you're in the air brutal cloud

nine anyways Worcester who haha April 17th and 18th Moontower comedy festival in Austin April 23rd through the 25th Royal Oak Michigan I'll have a whole new act from Ann Arbor be all new jokes April 30th through May 2nd so come back out to that so many Tuesdays came to Ann Arbor they had all seen you the week before it was really exciting do well in the mitten yeah we do okay over there and go check out mindful metal jacket podcast if you haven't already evidently it's doing okay that's what Bobby told me but he might be lying who knows and thanks for all the kind words you can go check that out and go listen

to Gary Vaters album it's called Vita Las Vegas listen to it yesterday it's great it's great we were really funny yeah it's a good time so go check out Vita's album killer jokes and yeah that's it for me oh yeah listen to Sam's special Vita's album I think Renan's got an album oh yeah Louie Katz maybe oh Jim to is everybody's got a lot a lot of good time for comedy yeah this week in Atlanta at the laughing skull that's a tiny room so get tickets quick Bridgeport Connecticut stress factory first time there let's try to sell that I hear it's a big room Vinny Brands up my ass he's the owner yeah they were in Vegas we're at

Moontower where it skanks in Houston that I'm in New Jersey stress factory new Brunswick Brea improv this was just added doing Conan gonna run over and do Brea wherever the hell Brea is it's in California I've done that room with Sal oh nice the cool little town huge room is it just a burb yeah it's like a nice burb okay well I'll be a blurb and a burb and then beginning of Ramadan then I'm in Des Moines in Iowa at the funny bone Zainis in Chicago laugh stop in Calgary never been to Calgary I don't even know what that is Tempe we're just talking about Arizona for comedy good nights good nights and Raleigh I love that room

Philly you know Philly and London gotta be in London at the Soho Theatre for a full week in June no July sorry July 10th and Dr. Grins back in Michigan and what is that Miami, Florida so a lot of fun stuff on the books tell your dad blow your brother eat out your mom kill a kid suck your own asshole and we'll see you in hell bye braze Allah watching