Tuesdays with Stories! - #341 Goo Pie

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

NOTE: THE SKANKFEST AND AUSTRALIA DATES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE HAVE BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO CORONAVIRUS. GO TO COMEDIANJOELIST.COM OR MARKNORMANDCOMEDY.COM FOR ANY UPDATES ON THEIR UPCOMING ROAD DATES Hey Tuesgays, we've got another hot one for ya as Mark flies next to an annoying old guy to Nashville while Joe deals with a mouse in his house before taping his special! Check it out! Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays) & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me hey 90 90 with a hey 90 hey

what that was from a Peewee Herman oh yeah yeah yeah remember the genie hey mecca mecca hi mecca hi yeah that was an odd show Peewee's Playhouse yeah it's wacky I had no pun intended he whacked off at the theater oh yeah that's right I remember not completely understanding what was going on with that well he rubbed one out in a porn theater and they caught him yeah but as a kid I didn't even know what rubbing one of we were so young were we I think so I was like 10 years ago now I think it was like 91 or something like that I feel like no we need a producer Alexa when did Paul Rubin's get busted for

masturbating in public she's not gonna know that she's gonna tell you who he is oh it's not even on what the fuck oh god hey sorry the cameras acting bananas hey Alexa didn't even respond hold on I'll look it up you talk really we got a restart yeah you want to restart we're only a minute in yeah we're four seconds in all right we got the Paul Rubin thing's going hey mecca like a high mecca heiny ho we got it that's from Peewee's Playhouse Paul the genie Paul Rubins is a composer different different spelling Ruben sandwich Ruben stuttered Peewee Herman let me look it

up controversy pornography arrest 2002 he must have done another one I told you 1991 arrest and retreat I nailed the age of the year there fatty well I remember I was a young kid and hearing all these jokes like one of the jokes was what's Peewee Herman's favorite baseball team the Yanks and then I remember also hearing his second favorite team the expose the expose but I was like exposed yanks I didn't get any of it I get it well now I get it get it now apple pie I'm all I got I don't know if it's reflux or Corona or what but I'm all nasally do you hear me to be it and drippin down your throat I got I think I gotta address this

too if you're a tiny tee if you're watching on camera Mark and I are sporting the new live laugh queef shirts just got them in baby and Becky our proprietor she sent us three shirts of small medium large the small is for Shelby yeah medium for you and large for me the large I was swimming in it yeah it's a big large it ran big so then I thought maybe I'll give you the small I'll try the media because the medium fit me perfect oh it did it did ah same here but so I was like maybe I'll try this small on and I gotta tell you it is I'm breaking at the seams yeah you look like a hot gay well thank you well

is there another kind of gay bear oh yeah there's some unhot gays don't want to name names but let me think about a hot gay well as a Kevin Spacey's not the hottest hammer in the tool jizz no he's not bad though he's not ugly he's talented he's whatever yeah he's a very like yeah there's a guy yeah Kpex didn't help this guy I mean RuPaul is that gay or what is going on there I assume that's a gay black I think it might be something else though trans I think I don't mean I shouldn't say it they it is appropriate or they is better have you heard of Zim and sir yeah I've heard a sir I just heard about this last night

that one makes sense to me why because they is like what it's they now right and it's like that means something else they them and it's a it's kooky where Zim sir it feels like I we made up a different a new word Zim sir because it's instead of him it's in right instead of her it's there yeah so that one makes more sense you create a new word sure as opposed to just taking a word and be like this is gonna be this yeah I hear Zim sir out in the zeitgeist but I've never seen one use a hey Zimmy hey sir sir right shaking you know it's never used colloquially right Zimmy Dugan right Zurhan Zurhan

accent Zim Dugan Zimmy Hendricks he's good oh yeah I bet he sucked a dick they's good hmm not he anymore isn't that the whole thing well there is Zim and Zurh replaces he and him oh is that what that is that's what it is instead of him it's Zim instead of her it's Zurh but what's the point that's still masculine feminine isn't that the whole point to break down the jizz the walls the anal good point but I I think they they they get to choose if they're Zim or Zurh it's neither zero nor there I guess not just it's there over the zone okay we got oh he said he hasn't heard back just make sure to wipe the cards record them

later we're doing that all right he wants that shirt he's got no reeds I'm wearing his shirt I hope you don't mind Shelby I'll have your musk on it it's really fucking teeny well maybe I'll wear some of that Manscape cologne they sent us we'll get into that later we love Manscape really they send us a huge bug this isn't the read we'll get to the read later but they sent us a big box of business oh yeah and by the way I broke down the box and threw it out in the recycling and in big gold letters it says your balls will thank you I was walking by my apartment I just noticed like a huge potion that says your balls

will thank you yeah it's fun because they send you all this all these goodies and a half it's like ball white ball wash ball cream you're like I've never paid any attention to my sack of my life and now I'm gonna be all over it with a fine tooth dick I'm hoping we can rub some of the red off of it get a nice normal tone it'd be nice if you're listening Manscape send us some ball paint because yeah we need some white down I got rosacea yeah my balls are as red as the I don't know I got brosacea see Red Sea that's a C that's not really red though I don't know I'm losing it the corona things fucking corroding my

arteries I wasn't nervous but now I'm nervous I got a vacation I've been planning for eight months you're fine next week I'm going to Indian Wells for the tennis tournament just canceled yeah they canceled the tennis tournament and then yeah I got a refund the reason they canceled it is there's a case in Rio Mirage or what the what's it called Mirage retard or something no whatever the name of the town is it's Vegas now it's called Mirage Rubin Mirage or her name is Rio and she dances like a man I keep looking shit up here Rancho that's the name of the town I'm staying in and there's a case there but a case

of Corona a Corona case yeah 36 beers yeah but so I'm I don't know what to believe now South by Southwest is canceled Indian Wells is canceled people aren't coming to shows yeah that's true I'm praying to God that Moon Tower and skanks stay strong well skanks he's like we're not cancel I mean Lewis won't cancel it but I think South by they said this the city was like no thanks well here's one theory I heard first of all it's costing it last year at festival brought in 30 and 356 million dollars yeah but here's something I theory I heard is everyone soothes people these days so a lot of these coming they're

trying to avoid getting sued so they're just like fuck it let's cancel so we don't get our asses handed to us I see because if all of a sudden it's a breakout and 25 people die then it's a wide South by Southwest the mayor should be killed the fucking whatever these lawyers are cunts so they're taking precautionary measures but I do feel like you gotta live your life what am I gonna do you gotta move baby but where the worst I'm doing a meet and greet I'm on an airplane all day on the subway I haven't washed my hands since I was six now I don't believe in Purell I'm gay I'm all over the place yeah you got no soap

in the house I got no soap I don't believe in it I just use shampoo to wash my hands which is the whole other bag of tits that you don't have any soap here yeah I gotta buy that yeah look into that send me some soap there man's gay I have to say it is fun to wash your hands no I'm enjoying it too much time I got to get back to work I'm telling you I never did it before I'm sitting in there it feels soapy and fun you gotta rub it the thumbs some lady said you gotta beat your thumbs off a little bit the appendage it's a very valuable appendage they say the pinky if you lose your pinky you lose 50% of your hand strength

which I don't I feel like the pinky wrote that interesting well I guess maybe it comes together the thumb and pinky come together maybe and it helps with the shocker or whatever you know we get the a-hole well I guess yeah because it completes the grip I feel if you lose your middle finger it's only that's in the middle right there's still all that other good point yeah base that's what they say you know me I love a fun fact yeah I mean I guess like on an offensive line the tackle he's on the end he's the most important part is more important than the guard right so good and now yeah the pinky is the tackle anal so that's

that's fun and the tight end is your cock you stick that on there right and the pinky without it they'd be way less ass play because it's always a pinky maybe the index I went thumb just a night ago really here's what happened I don't want to get too graphic I'm married so I don't want to let my wife know I have a boyfriend but please I was using this fuck water just bought not it not a not a sponsor what's that now this fuck water oh yeah that's good Lou I got some fuck water they're not a sponsor but I love it I bought it right around the corner here at the cafe 80s and you get it it's like load it feels like a white

hot load I just had an idea hit me with it we got a warm it up and shoot on your back that's pretty good so it's a simulation and it's a tube you could punch it yes punch here I'll just pull it out I'm gonna show you it out and the loop to I got a microwave right there baby here it is fuck water by L'Oreal yes it's not cheap it's 12 bucks for a tiny thing L'Oreal's a real cum guzzler it's not really Lori water-based personal lubricant lubricant a personnel a base day agua you just give it a squeeze but look how it looks like cum it does look like jizz you know right after you blow a nut in his ass it

feels like really yeah it's gooey that's what it's like you put the goo in yeah you put the goo in then you put your own goo and it's a nice goo pie I love a goo pie that's who started Corona's goop I so anyways last night I'm putting the fuck water on and it just came spilling all over me like Chevy Chase and Caddy Shack yeah and it got it like it was kids man it landed right on my thumbnail haha or thumb print not the one on my cock and then we went doggie style and old old captain eyes right there yeah take that thumb and stick it right in there to the ladies know how exposed their asshole is with the doggie cuz it

is looking it's winking at you like an old like a perv and it actually winks it puckers up and opens up yeah it's like an old man with candy stop winking at me a fucking blinker because it's it'll be smooth and then all of a sudden his lines all around like the Sun yes it does the scrunch up right right it's the balloon not yeah it's like Renee Zellweger's face it gets all it's it's Zellweger after a lemon and it I mean the even before anal was like in porn and talked about the asshole is right there the butthole it's right there I mean how could you not put a thumb in it's nice I mean it's it's also like pink you think

of it as a kid is this brown slimy you know mud pie but now it's a it's a nice smooth beauty it's a beautiful thing and it's right there waiting for it it's asking for your thumb it's assen what's fun is you know this that's a lot if you get your if you really eat it out from behind the cheeks go up against your cheek like the butt cheek because your mouth is deep in there but cheeks are kind of against your cheeks and your stubble touches her ass stubble yeah it's nice yeah I'm a fan I like to get a tongue right in the old hole there but you got to be careful these days you got to be careful you got a brush for 20

seconds say happy birthday twice you read the tongue scraper my daddy's have a old-school toothbrush would have that stick on the end yeah I didn't like the stick for your teeth but I bought a tongue scraper it's like pink handles on both sides and then a little silver you and you just scrape it right off because I get all kinds of tongue jizz I get the white yeah she like a KKK that makes me feel good because I've had the white thing my whole film my whole life yeah bad film I always think I maybe I have horrendous breath but my wife says I'm fine I haven't smelled you I appreciate that my gala gives me shit all

day long when I got some rank dragon breathing there's a lot of comics I will not name names but there's a couple of very very successful comedians that have consistently horrendous breath oh yeah birdcrasher is that true I don't have that's throughout a big comic okay I'm gonna have to change the shirt because it feels a little too much no it works but they're nice get yourselves a live laugh queef shirt they're selling like warm cakes yeah not not hot Lana which I'll be this weekend oh god I don't know I want to kill myself so I guess I'm a little worried I don't know it's the thing is I've I've always been a panic

guy through all the H1N1 SARS Ebola AIDS wine flu bird flu AIDS herpes all the all the hits I've always freaked out this time not because I'm going to therapy and Buddhism and all the bullshit but now everyone else is freaking out so hard that I'm like shit I guess I got a freak out ah you're fine it's at 60 plus hopefully the candle dates will all die that'll be fun yeah they're all old they're all the shit and they're shaking hands like crazy that's true the meet and greet so yeah I don't know yeah yeah well I think we're okay I think I feel like it comes and goes I feel like in 20 years ago remember the corona thing

that was cookie 20 yeah I'm hoping that happens in two weeks hopefully but we won't see 20 years and then the weather changes is that something I don't know I keep getting mixed messages they do say that the corona can't live in hot weather that's what I've heard there's only been a few cases in South America but then another scientist will be like that's bullshit so maybe the global warming will cancel out this the corona that'll be nice finally help us out a little yep all right well I gotta tell you about Nashville hit me with Nashville stick it right in my ass what a town just a great town it's popping baby you

know these cities you go to these towns and they are on the up is a swing the pulse yes there's an energy in the air and I always say Nashville's like if New Orleans rape Dallas oh you know because there's a little honky-tonk but there's still some booze in and fucking an anal and Jews so it's it's it's got a Bible Belt ribbon going right through it but it's still all about getting after it yeah bachelorette business yes just party in and and whiskey so I had a two day air at Nashville is a weird thing they do an early show one guy late show another guy and it was Josh blue oh fun cool cat got the palsy weed the whole

thing good egg is a palsy cerebral palsy yeah a LS LLS why palsy yeah the extra L makes it palsy yes yes exactly there's a couple of twin towers in the middle right right huh go to else oh I got the building I see I see before they you know all right fell so he was there he was doing the early show I'm doing a late show so then they go we're only doing two shows so they sold quick so let's add another show and your head you're like oh sweet but you don't realize wait a minute I'm already doing the late show no doing nothing on Sunday Sunday's booked up with another guy so now it's an 1130 show oh which is insane

especially in a drunk crazy town exactly and they just had a little mini Katrina over there in the gash oh right the tornado yes they're only 30 people died damn I know that's corona ask I know it's very small numbers pick it up tornado but yeah yeah no it was fun a flu in I did that thing where I was trying to pull a list here I was trying to get a good seat mm-hmm and I go this is a Delta comfort I'll upgrade and no one's next to it yes so that's the move right take the window it's a two-rower you know two-seat row yeah and I'll take the window nobody's next to me I'll get the whole row sure boom I get in and as a

couple no no there's a couple two-seaters available so I'm like oh man I'll have good odds here so I get to the airport good times I do the F all the way out to Queens get the shuttle bus it's basically a free ride that's nice it's nice but it takes about an hour and 20 but hey saves you 50 60 bones why not yeah so you get on that boom bing pow Delta comfort in walks the oldest man on the planet mask and the sticks oh the double stick double stick like to dump with like the something about Mary guy you know I just got back from uh Hawaii this year whatever his name is and so I'm like oh where's he going and he walks by me and

he does this one magazine on the seat paper on the seat fanny pack on the seat glasses on the seat sticks on the seat and then he does the whole whoa and he does like a does the chubby checker twist and he just plunkers down in the seat he sat on all his shit sat on all my eventually moved the ship and he had to get it all uptown up in the box up there and he put this he put the sticks up there I had to help him with the sticks and sat down on the seat and like a poof a dust came up you know and I had to help him buckles like the buckles and help him buckle up I'm up on his bum blowing the guy and brutal man and then

he the whole flight he's got a man spread and he's doing the with the newspaper oh yeah he's doing origami with the with the they want ads you wouldn't think a guy with sticks as a man spread I know I figured it'd be all sticky like the knees together maybe the feet spread the feet spread I think his knees are heavy so they were they were going with the wind so he was just like I don't think they just went out because usually a fucked up guy has his knees and upper legs together but then his feet are out here like a goalie like he's in the butterfly well the feet were out but don't get he was all out everything I

mean he was airing something I don't respect the throw things in the seat guy because the throw things on the seat because you got to move the stuff off the seat I always see people putting stuff on the seat then they put their shit up then you got to go back to the seat yeah well this was Jerry's kids he has no multitask he's like I got to drop this handle the sticks then I'll come back for this he's got multi sclerosis yeah multiple and so boy that was a long flight it's like two and a half hour flight but just looking at all that guy's got to know he's got a whole row he's got a whole row he's got a whole

row I picked the wrong one yeah just sitting there going maybe if I sit next to him well then I'll just have another guy what if I know whatever I go over there may all go back you know you try to do like a little Tetris move or you shimmy and shammy it's all fucked well the thing is they're all getting the upgrades so you pick a seat with no one there but that's the people we are getting the upgrade exactly the old stickhead got an upgrade yeah yeah I lost out to Ichabod Crane there and you know I got to help him out he has to get a wheelchair I'm holding the arm on the way out you know doing the whole thing

doesn't the wheelchair seem nice when you're getting off the plane I see the guy with the iPad in the wheelchair I always think I wouldn't mind one of those wheelchairs if you're not handicapped a wheelchair is a leg up no pun intended yeah I've had some a lot of fun in wheelchairs I mean how many times yeah first of all the drunk night you see a wheelchair at a bar just get in there you're popping wheelies it's a great time or at an airport you see all these seats they're all taken there's just a random wheelchair you're like I'm just gonna sit in that yeah and then people look at you and you're like yeah

yeah you don't know maybe I'm a handy what a great invention they must have been so pumped when they came up with a chair with wheels on it yeah yeah I guess so I mean it's a car without an engine because the rocking chair had been around and that's also a great invention I guess and you're almost there you're not getting anything with a rocking you're not going anywhere but it's a piece of it's almost like they must have thought the rocking chair must have been on their mind because they're like this one's rockin what if we just made it all the way around this chair is a rocking make it a roller right chair yes rolling

wheelchair what's it called again wheelchair wheelchair it seems like the the rascal was a was a leg up that was an upgrade oh certainly but then that's like a commitment I think the wheelchair makes it feel like maybe this is temporary oh I did I flipped that around I feel like the rascals temporary good point good point a fat cunt in Milwaukee at a casino smoking Benson and Hedges eating a creed Frito pie you know yeah but she ain't coming back maybe not maybe a lap man if she hits it big in the slots I think once you get that rascal there's no turning back wow you're just like here I go rascals permanent I guess

so but you know a lot of times you see people get out of a rascal and like get a coke out of the machine then get back in the rascal you could walk fatty yeah oh no they could all walk they just choose not to the people that are really need wheelchairs they're like belted in yeah yeah is like grown into it or whatever right and they got the breed to with a go oh they're fun yeah oh I think we got our thing I think so what's his name Christopher Reeves had the the blowy the blowy wheelchair shellbow yeah I said I think we're not getting them he's like I'll make sure you have them tomorrow well that's it show me you're

done no no it's not him it's okay hasn't given to him I don't know we'll figure out we don't need ads I'll knock him out tomorrow I'd like an ad well I'll be here tomorrow we're gonna record again hey good point okay so you get to Nashville get to walk the guy off the train yeah plane plane automobile get to Nashville great they put you in the hot no hotel it's one of those boutique she she like upscale good time swinging hot tamale and everybody in the hotel is attractive and it's leather and there's a bar in there with the douche with the mustache and the suspenders oh that's fun yeah the armband thing armband whatever

that does yeah what is that armband is that just to show how big the buy is I think it's to puff out the shirt and also maybe you put a razor in there your bottle opener I'm not sure what the armband maybe a little clube right in there Tuesdays with facts throw us the armband maybe it's a Nazi thing oh good be well that they did have a band yeah they took the swat Nazi band they maybe they took the swastika off at some point right well also the Jews had a band too with the star on it didn't they not they were banned everywhere that's a good point yeah they had the start I guess Nazis love armbands yeah the Jew band is

the Ramones weren't they Jews yeah I think so I think Queens Jew Joseph Hyman Jeffrey Hyman oh there you go yeah a virgin all right so get to Nashville and that is just such a great club like it's just old school the green room is nice and it's one of those good vibes clubs where the girl Lucy runs it she's like four-foot-one smokes dope drinks cool cat wears a Hawaiian shirt and she's sitting in there and she's one of those girls that sits and her feet never hit the ground you know those those girls they're they're little and they always sit up on a couch their feet up holding the knees oh it's kind of fun is she's

young no but she's youthful ah youthful night probably 28 but she she acts like she's 11 Lucy and smoking I'm thinking a 69 year old lady no no she's full of life and come and she's a good time and her feet never touched the ground cute she's got her feet like this big little hoofs oh I love a little foot suck on a toe and sure I digress little foot great Native American the green room is huge and Josh blues in there and I got Chris Al opening up and we just had a great time they're all getting high and we're doing references and yucking it up and it's one of those green rooms you open the door and you're on the stage and

a lot of Tuesdays sold a ton of merch thanks to all the Tuesdays they all want to see you I think you're getting in there huh I don't know we've tried I don't know what's going on I'm sure they'll come around at some point yeah so just Zaini Zaini yeah just a great time and then so we get pretty sloppy after and some guy a fan emails me a Tuesday and goes hey I run a speakeasy downtown cigars fireplaces cocktails if you want to like a chill night come by and I was like this is perfect I don't want to get too blackout Chris Alan sober as a judge he was born blackout that's true and so we go over there he's

I'm like you can have a cigar I'll have a highball well you know fuck the night away and he goes but here's the clinker it's called a red phone booth okay now you show up and there's an old-school like British phone booth and you pull up a thing and you got to put in the phone number in the door opens that's great already exciting so I'm a shithouse I'm half in the bag he's black I'm blacked out he's blackface and we get into this phone booth and it's freezing in Nashville I don't know why so we're in the phone but I didn't dress for the weather I'm wearing like a nice little jacket a t-shirt he's wearing a bomber we're in

there I gotta meet a big black guy at a phone booth and I'm picking up it's one of those old ones where you hold the thing here and it's a rotary oh wow this sounds amazing so I'm holding my iPhone freezing he's squinched up next to me like maybe put the area code in for I got his big face right here and I'm rotary takes an hour and a half I forget yeah it's not good you're like six to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do and we couldn't get he's like well maybe put a one first and I'm like yeah shit hold let me hang it up again the whole thing took like eight minutes finally I get it

right the door swings open we go we got it we look in it's fucking fireplaces and leather couches and beautiful women and he goes oh I don't think so and we're like huh the door guy the door got big Armenian content slick hair black suit on and he goes really really and I go what what he goes you can't come in here with sneakers and I'm like well I was told to come here by the owner and he's like who's the owner and I'm like ah cocksuck 108 because I don't know the guy's name it's only on the the Instagram handle and he goes well I don't I don't know who that is I'm like I have the code like what more do you need the

code is the the whole door guy he's the second code you're the second code code in a guy yeah yes Morse code so the guys again you can't come in like that I'm like the owner told me to come I'm a comedian he came to my show tonight he said go by he gave me the number that's it the code is is the entrance and he's like I sorry I can't let you in so for the guy who hears this fire that chuch well yeah this guy threw us right out we had to go back out the cold and Uber and we watch other people go in the phone booth and walk right in oh she never went into the thing we couldn't get in oh my god I thought this is gonna I thought the

owner was gonna come over and something now the owner came to my show and then went home and he was like you're gonna have a blast over there it's a great I looked in here I felt like a kid I was like whoa look at that holy shit look at that chick look at that fireplace my god look at the bartender again with the fireplace I love a fireplace I mean too it sounds like there's a whole bunch of fireplaces at this joint it's also weird just see that because it was like a shitty warehouse and you this fucking magical door opens and you're like whoa it looks like a log cabin god I hate this guy bummer he cock blocked our

whole program I know the bad ending because of this dick weed Alan didn't get you any in cuz I feel like sometimes a black guy helps oh Alan oh yeah now nothing nothing he was wearing worse niggers than me and he's black so they weren't having it yeah geez yeah oh the door guy wasn't black he was Armenian or Armenian Albanian or some some rough light brown I picture all doorman is black not this guy wow he looked like a like a gun smuggler a knife salesman or he sold carpets see I would always get a black doorman because doorman because the white people are afraid of them and the black people are like cool man I

yeah and the black guy if you have a white door guy and he's kicking out a black guy then there's a racial undertow exactly exactly whereas if a black guy is like listen brother I love you because we're brothers and whatever but you can't have you know Nike's on yeah that's why I love black on black crime because I'm like hey they just hate each other based on who they are there's no racism right we were talking about that how it's like it's growth that like people hated Buddha judge but no one was like that goddamn gang except my cab driver from two episodes ago sure but most people were just like yeah fuck

that we don't give a shit right right I think that's that's progress that no one was like we should vote for the gay guy and no one was like we shouldn't vote for the gay guy right it was just kind of like hey he sucks he's not great yeah it's cute but that's it we've really progressed there good progress also he I think it'd be a different story if he was like vote for me that was the case be like we can't vote for this homo yeah both extremes would probably go up I guess right right cuz I have gay friends and whenever they see a gay guy like on Christopher Street was like they're like I hate that guy that's a bad gay they

call him bad gays oh yeah I think it's how we are with rednecks or white trash hmm or a black guy you know it's the old Chris Rockwood a bit the n-word and there's black people there's n-words right right yeah everyone's a little bit like yeah sorry about that right right but that gets blurry with the n-word cuz they all call each other the n-word well different versions of the n-word I guess but we don't a and the error but we don't go hey white trash white trash you know right and yeah I know I'm I'm leaping here I think we do that a little bit though cuz a lot of like ah he's a white trash asshole yeah my

buddy yeah he's a fucking redneck yeah we do embrace the redneck occasion we don't say what's up my redneck right but we do say I'm a redneck that's a good right right I'm white right yeah Soder calls himself white trash every 10 seconds yeah so there's a little bit of that you got a point but that's playful I'm a I'm ironically white trash but I guess it's the same because if a black guy well I think they've just taken the n-word is this it's it's umbrella endearment thing right right all right well we got to the bottom of that yeah I think we figured it all out so great weekend in Gashville hell of a time

great show so we had the 11 30 the 11 30 was great thanks God spoke too soon nobody was hammered I got heckled a couple times but soul submerged everybody was glad it happened a couple people such big Tuesdays they're like we're coming back to the 11 30 from the from the early show wow which is a little off-putting but they were cool about it yeah it makes me nervous because you're like it is an act it's an act so you have to be like I'm standing there going he comes over I got you gotta like yeah and you're like oh he's just doing that like I'm like ah shit performance fuck and I got a couple moves where I it

looks like a riff but it's not of course yeah that they go that was that was all planned yeah hack liar yeah comedy is something you should really see it once I know which is a horrible thing to say for our career no well right a new out the act of the new act yeah of course new act the complete thing but then you watch it over and over again because you love it oh I mean how many times you watch bring the pain yeah good point I could do the whole thing word for word same same spoken word anyway so maybe you should come to multiple shows I guess plus you're just one person at the whole crowd came right and just for us we're

so like it's all they see it they know what's going on here on the flip paint all there's also like well how well do they know my jokes you know like they heard my jokes once are they gonna know them exactly again well a lot of you want to come back as you want to bring somebody right see and Brian Regan's half-hour Comedy Central presents and showing it to every single part like I watched it 50 times I was like you gotta see it right you gotta see it yeah that's true so keep coming back it works if you're working yeah hey it's coming at you yeah folks this episode is brought to you by my bookie and you know me I like

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that club it's not associated with Chicago's ainies I guess so it's a dwarf man yeah so oh yeah one thing I want to say finish the shows you finish the show you finish the merch you finish the handshake the meet and greet you have a couple cocktails you get paid we lost an hour Saturday night yes hate the hour loss that's it's shortened my life yeah look at the clock oh it's 130 that's 230 and 230 is like oh shit my flight's at 8 I gotta get there at 7 I gotta get up at 6 now it's 230 you're gonna get home at 330 fall asleep at 4 you're fucked yeah it's tough hate the losing the hour really tough all of a sudden just boom

like that but what can you do yeah yeah got no sleep got to the airport flew back to New York the flyback is always shorter isn't it weird yeah West East you get the whatever it's called wind tunnel yeah yeah fuck lube I don't know what it is but we got the the short flight and you know I land and my gal's like it's a beautiful day you're here let's blow each other let's go shopping let's start a garden let's paint the walls and you're like damn it I just want to want to hit the hay here a skank yeah it's tough to express how much travel takes it out of you I know I know because it starts it's every second of the day it's like the

alarm clock you got to force yourself up you got to go return the rental car you got to get the shuttle to the fucking thing you got to get through security you got a battle to get your fucking suitcase on the thing yep yep it's a headache and then you get off the plane you get you feel relieved and you get the lift then you get back and yesterday last night Sarah recorded her album at New York comedy club which is going to be a great album it was killer I'm not just saying that congrats but my flat Dallas is no early flight I was in Plano Texas and there's no early flight so I didn't get home till 5 p.m. and the

show is at 7 so I was like I got 60 minutes home yeah I've been gone for three days and I started my day nine hours ago and I got one hour that's it so you're just like sitting you just want to like I got a shower and before you know it boom you got to jump on the train again you're just cooking yeah what is it my dad I always thought that was an old guy thing my dad was like I got to go lay down for a minute and I was always like what a fucking geezer dork he's got to go lay down we're all bouncing off the walls and pajamas and eating each other out and he's like I gotta lay down and now I get it I go to

the hotel I just lay down I look at my phone yeah now it's tough I gotta tell you this life is taking it out of me because yeah I'm about to have the most insane fucking travel ever I gotta I'm going to Fox Woods for three days this week are not Fox Woods anymore Mohegan son oh even better so yeah comics Roadhouse Thursday Friday Saturday I go then I drive back Saturday after the late show go to bed sleep for four hours three hours and then fly to LA early the next morning LA for three days then I go to Indian Wells not the tennis tournament for a vacation it's vacation but even a vacation you're still out do

it you're like let's get up let's go hiking let's get food we'll go to the casino it's even a vacation isn't a vacation completely because you're you feel so stressed to do right right and for me coming up with things to do takes more energy than doing them it's pressure like you're gullying what to do in a dick ranch oh fuck face I don't know and then you're like looking up stuff we like should we do that I don't know sounds right you kind of don't want to both do it but you know you have to do something so you just force yourself and you got to get an Uber then you got to go out there and look at the menu yeah

where do you want to eat what do you want to eat should we get back together why we'll go back to the hotel for now we'll go fuck I'll eat her out I'll come back I'll get an ice cream there you go that's not a bad day but anyways so then we're doing that then I go home for two days then it gets insane then we go to Skankfest for three days we go straight from Skankfest to Vegas for a week then I leave Vegas fly all the way across the country to Boston for a one-nighter with the with Louis on April 4th bean town this is where it gets really insane so I just flew from Houston to Vegas Vegas to Boston one night do the show wake up the

next morning take a train from Boston to New York then the same day as the four hour train ride I go straight to the airport have a six hour flight to Los Angeles oh my lord a one hour layover followed by a 14 hour flight from LA to Sydney our layover flight to Melbourne my flight leaves on April 5th lands on April 7th my birthday is April 6th happy birthday to you I got no birthday no birthday I'm gonna be on earth for 0% of my birthday wow you're gonna be in the fucking skies over the Pacific I got no birthday then I'm in Melbourne for a week and a half boy then I come back from Melbourne do it all over again

Melbourne to Sydney Sydney to LA LA to New York not to mention a 12 hour time difference yes then I'm home for two days before heading to Worcester then I stay home for Patriots day on the Sunday go to the socks yeah go to socks in the Monday marathon then I come back that I'm home for two days and I leave again I boon tower that'll be fun that'll be fun but still still you're gonna be pooped fatty I'm home literally I think six days in April holy or five days bitch wow I really should not have said yes to Melbourne so come on if you're in if you're listening to show if your fan come to Melbourne please suck my

dick and give me a gift card and whatever the fuck but are you doing the headliner series where they have three people a night I believe so that's fun so it's not heavy lifting 20 minutes but here's what happened is I've wanted to go to Melbourne it's another country and the lady that books that she's come to see me a few different places my agent's been working on it so I felt obligated to say yes but even as I was looking I'm like this does not look no that dude I can't believe you know that by heart that means you've really been shifted and shaken and jizzed well here's the thing and it's taking from the vacation because

the vacation would be good after that yes because now I'm on vacation being like I got this fucking flight in a couple days looming between you me and the lamppost and the desk and the camera and the rug and the fans sure I wouldn't mind if Melbourne got canceled yeah well all this coronas but on another fire they already sent out emails saying hey it's on these Aussies are there they're wily they don't cancel shit but man I fucked up like cuz it's it's insane and I gotta call Delta I gotta get some first I gotta just spend the money and get the first class because I got like a ticket you gotta get for it cuz that'll make a

little bit of help a little difference can I ask why are you taking a flow a train from bean town in New York just to fly to Los Angeles cuz I fly from bean town I had already booked the flight and that's a whole other thing but man I can't get too into I feel I feel I mean I've been bitching about travel for a while now but I got nothing on that I think I'm gonna have to hang myself after that easily it's a big big mistake but you gotta just I'm trying to be like just taking a day at a time even right now I'm home for two days and you just you soak it in you just want to be home and even when we're home because

you're home for such a short period of time it's like I gotta do the podcast tomorrow I have a fucking meeting with some production guy we had a podcast again and then Wednesday I got something I can't remember what also and this is just stand up imagine you had a TV show well you do have a podcast to worry about or kids kids people do this with children and that's insane but anyways it'll be fine whatever the fuck it's all gonna pass and then in April you're remember that shit yeah here's the thing I don't even have like a week like two weeks off like I go back out again yeah yeah but here's the clinker once you do

all that shit you zip zap and zap all over town all over the world when you have a five day in New York weekend gig in Connecticut it's gonna feel like a goddamn toe massage right right that's nice yeah I just did two days in Nashville flew back on Sunday I'm like that was so easy yeah yeah I had that with Ann Arbor and I just did Plano it was like three days and then you're traveling the one day she like that's like half a day and then Plano was only one show Friday that makes a big difference that's nice I gotta say yeah how was Tejas let's hear it Plano was good I still got to go back to Arizona from a month and a half ago but

please hit me fatty Plano was good I worked with a comic named Charity Charity Charity Lester whoa Dallas Dallas comic I've never heard that name before but great comic she's a real dark and and funny if you ever go out there request a charity Afro-American Lester I think so yeah well yeah well she's dark in subject matter I got but I think she's African-American she's light skin I think she's black we didn't get into it most probably black probably for the best yeah I don't like to pry no prying Richard prior he's very good and black that was magical but anyway she was great the host was great too I forget his last name

which is bad Zach Zach something but he was very good it was one of those ones with the comics they're just funny yeah nice and it just we all worked well together like the jokes went well together that works and the crowds came out one show Friday which was nice and you know it's nice about Plano it's suburbs and I'm becoming I'm such a city guy in the city all the time that to spend a weekend in the suburbs is nice oh that's how my whole childhood was to just live as like a corporate douche like yuppie I'm like going to Chick-fil-A and Starbucks I went to Cheesecake Factory went to the mall I watched the new

Ben Affleck film which is pretty good what's that it's the basketball one al magical is in it he's great I never even heard of it it's called the way back he's an alcoholic basketball coach they're not breaking any new ground with this movie it's pretty similar to every other sports movie but it's pretty good in Madrigal it's fantastic he's good he can act normally you see an actor or someone you know and you're like oh god it's fucking there's you know Jim Norton pretending to be a doctor but this was like terrific and I had a good cry there was some fucking cunt in the back though doing quadruple coughs that's a four and

clearly not blocking it just right every ten minutes oh and you're like you piece of shit the coffers is annoying enough but we got the coronages up in the air like it's too much I had the shirt over like a like a bandit yes this live laugh queef shirt it's a smaller than my sister's tits it's the smallest thing I've ever seen yeah that's flat but anyways Plano was nice I went to Chick-fil-A cheesecake factory had a hell of a time I got all those cheesecake gift cards which was delightful that's nice and I went this twice in a row same waiter both times I order the same thing it's embarrassing we're even Stephen but

you go those cards and you feel like you got an air America Express black you know you're like hey put it on the card dickless well it also looks like I robbed cheesecake bank that's an I always say when they go I go to Chipotle and I go my mom buys them for me your mom got she's got cancer I know I'm like I just had a birthday to like another birthday and I'm like I'm sorry Asian guy by the way how about this we had I remember the story a while back I had a mouse in my house and it was running at me and I guess it died yes well I've been feeling bad about it we had another mouse in the house I blame the neighbors I don't know

what's going on cheese monger New York I guess you know that's the way it goes you get mice in your house so we had a little mouse I was on the road out of town sounds like there's a mouse and she's freaking out you don't want a mouse in your pussy you know I get it yeah pussy mouse so she's a mouse it's a trap so she's got towels and under the the door because the thing no bones it can just slip right under there boneless spineless it's a boneless mouse buffalo so she puts the towel underneath and she's freaking out so we got some sticky traps which are the humane traps you know it's a mouse it's not humane good point

um so we stick the sticky traps everywhere they haven't bitten they say not to put peanut butter on them oh I go peeing they say don't because it's oil some bullshit oh it's slick so one night we're watching the movie I come home it's Sunday we watched Honey Boy with Shia LaBeouf good I liked it I enjoyed felt for that guy the day he's such a good actor he felt like that guy yeah you bought it that's a bad dad horrible pop but enjoyed that movie so we're sitting there and all of a sudden you hear a little like a little business they were like what the fuck and she's like that's the mouse oh and you don't have sympathy I'm on the

road trying to make a buck and she's like there's a mouse running around like it's a mouse who cares shut up yeah and then I'm in the house all of a sudden I hear them like oh my god there's a mouse it was a way like snuggling up tight oh yeah and I went and moved the trap strategically because I came out to go get a snack or whatever and I just saw it move I saw a shadow go flying by so quick those cunts they're quick little dicks with other dicks on them sure tail tiny dick the hoof so it comes spreading by so I go I see its path now so I moved it up against the wall and I kind of kitty cornered the traps and I'm like that

should get it so we go back to Honey Boy it's late at night we're watching the movie and all of a sudden you hear like I was like what the fuck is that it's a whole family she's like no that was it we got it so I'm like oh you think we got it and so she's like we got to do humane she's like you got to put oil on it and let it out burn it and so I'm like I have no sympathy now this is a martial law it's in my house if it's out in the fields whatever but plot twist I'm like fuck that mouse I'll put it in a bag and throw it in the trash hit it with a hammer like Clark Griswold stab it put in a vice like casino well I come

out there I turn on the light I go to get it and it looks right my eyes and it's adorable he's got the big ears the little eyes his tails wagging he's stuck and he's scared to death you can tell I took one look at him and I went all right get the oil get my shoes I can't kill it come on Tom Dustin used to flush it down the toilet it would watch it spin around I'd have a bottle of booze and a Friday night thing a weed whatever you call it a joint it's a while a bowl of whatever the fuck thong and would be like yeah eat it you fucking thing I looked right at it he

was like what are you doing and I just I had to get the thing so it's raining out I get my ugg slippers from the tonight show Sarah gets some other slipper and you go over to pick it up and it's moving and shit and he sees he freaks out the whole traps bouncing yeah and you feel like he's gonna get free and rub your arm exactly up my pant leg into my asshole which would be cool that's not fuckwater so I took the the broom the big whatever the pan dust pan the dust pan but it's long so I brushed the trap onto the thing Sarah gets a head start she's out in front and she's freaking out she's like oh my god oh my god oh my

god so she opens the door I'm walking behind him and I got the thing on the end of the trap but every time he moves the whole stick moves oh yeah it's again like grizzly with the cat in the fucking it's like right because they're fighting for their life here this is it for them yeah he doesn't know he thinks I'm the fucking kid from Toy Story I'm gonna let him do a firecracker and shoot him off into space that's not bad so we go outside it's pouring rain we got vegetable a whole case of it Jesus and I go up the street a little cuz I'm afraid he's gonna just run straight back into my house start the whole process over a

home in there so we go like a couple cars down it's really rain it's like a Cusack movie yeah I put the thing in a puddle like I mean on the ground behind the car and I just take that oil and I'm dumping it all over him and you can see him slowly and now he's covered in oil like a fuck loop no no just regular vegetable or whatever and all this they just starts eating it he's like stop eating the oil you piece of shit he thinks it's his last supper right he's having the oil and I can see that he's kind of being able to move a little bit okay because the oil unglued the thing but I just want him out of here so I'm

just dumping the oil like a half a gallon of oil on him this is wild yeah it's pretty pretty fun a picture the lightning striking and you're like exactly it's like Shawshank my arms spread and I just kept dumping and slowly little by little his tail comes up and then his foot moves okay but he's all slick back he looks like he's going to prom right the gel and the oils greaser and finally at the lat like he just kind of goes up and it pops out and he just goes shooting up the street he's gone he's free and we like jumped up and out we like we did it and you feel great because the alternative was killing a

thing yeah and I'm always reading these Pema children tick not on bullshit about how you shouldn't kill a spider you can stick in your ass or whatever but so it felt good to release them and then we were just like we felt like heroes and we really teamed up and then we're all wet we went back inside we made love and put some fuck water on our ass and it was a great night there you go all right so get get one of those humane traps and get some vegetable oil too yeah free will see I had a mouse in the house years ago and I was too scared to do anything so my roommate stuck a broomstick on the other corner of the sticky trap picked

it up walked it outside and just yeah and just yucked that thing was like a catapult into the park but the it must have stayed attached to the sticky trap it did yeah but I don't know what happened when it hit the ground he flung that thing for it went over to Broadway well cuz you really think about like starving an animal that it's so brutal he's gonna die a horrible death or put him in a bag he'll suffocate they tend to eat their own leg off that's what I've heard because it's only one leg left and they can't get it off yet yikes it's a pretty brutal nature out there but hey you came into our home yes dad my home

but he doesn't know it's my home he's just trying to survive you know and it's pretty crazy when you see how many rats are in the subway and how many rats are in the street pretty crazy that how few you get in your home yeah luckily rats don't like home because they're four to one rats to humans I heard who that's 32 million rats yowza that's a lot of rats yeah a lot of poo but let me just talk about this Sarah courted her album last night it was great you gotta have to hear that it was really terrific but I gotta touch on you were there shot my new special course last week a week ago tonight yes which is so weird how tight

like now I'm stressing about this travel but a week ago today this time I was like I can't do that this is crazy I'm spending my own money to shoot a special no one's gonna show up what if I bomb what if I eat it now this extreme anxiety and it's really scary when you start we're all we have to shoot our own specials now I know it's a wacky world which is insane because you're putting up it's you know it's expensive it's a it's a five figure situation it's over 10 G's yes so it's coming out of your own pocket and it's not just the show everyone's like it'll be great but you're like but what if no one cut the

numbers were low my idea for the special was I wanted to just shoot it at the village underground like a regular night at the cellar tourists when it's hot you know we just killed it yes yes so I didn't plug it too hard but then I thought that club always sells out but Monday night to you go to this week at the cellar it's sold out yeah I thought they would just pack it out but that's not the case so they were like the numbers are low you better start cranking it up so first and foremost I want to thank all the comic specially Ari started messaging everybody yeah I messaged Rogan Segura who's the other one Bert wow

and he started reaching out to bonfire and Soder and everybody so Ari really spread the the word out there yeah you see Kobe he's a good guy he's a good guy so I appreciate you retweeting it and storing it and so everybody really came together and the gay I thought the other thing I thought we talked about this earlier I was like I don't want too many Tuesdays there because they've seen it all right and they're gonna be like all right we saw that joke that's that old joke right but I gotta tell you that first show was sold out it was almost all gays and it was the best show of my entire life wow let me let me just rewind

a little bit I had to go to Alan that day oh yeah that's the way to do it you set up an Alan's session on the day you do anything that's a good call I never thought about that he was fantastic it was the only meeting I've ever our session I've ever had that ended early oh you got it all out he was just like you're great you're not here to win anybody over everyone that's coming already likes you that's why they're coming they great he's like you're likeable you're funny and I'm like crying I'm like thank you he's like this is just the fact he's like this is not you have to thank me yeah this is reality

funny guy you're a likable guy even better funny that all the compliments ended it had a short session it was like all right I got nothing left yeah he's like I've done it's just those two really but and he was like this isn't a you're not here to win over your parents stop doing things for your parents your family you got friends coming they're happy to see your friends are gonna love it because I get stressed with all the comics I didn't want comics there because it's nerve-wracking with all the comedians back there of course of course so he's like but they like you they're already rooting for you they

already love you that's why they're there right so you're like good point okay because in my mind they're all like this is hack he stinks terrible we all do it but he's like no no he's like they're they like you so anyways great session with him then I feel great I come down to the cellar I check in with the guys directing and shooting and they're great then I had a nice dinner at the olive tree I sat with Val talk to her it's like family over there oh yeah nice healthy meal and now I got like an hour to kill I'm down there early that's not good so then I text the Vita text me and he's like hey I'm gonna come down and

hang and I was like well when are you talking here because it's early Donnelly's like I'm on my way but I got about a half hour of just walking around and you're like trying to be like you can do this you do it the whole thing started to get a little anxious so I called my old spiritual advisor Colin Quinn the legend the king of New York and it was one of those calls were as it's ringing you like pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up and of course he picks up I go hey I'm shooting my special tonight I'm starting to freak out I felt good earlier with therapy and he gave me the speech for the ages oh lay it

on me if you can I don't know if it's personal dog shit I'll give you some but 15 seconds in you have one of these calls you like I wish I recorded this I want to listen to this daily of course but he's he had a great thing he's like forget about yourself forget about your career he's like everything you think matters in career never ends up being anything anyways so he's like just think about entertaining the people that came there here he's like they got babysitters they're coming in they're taking the train and they're excited just like don't even think of them as a crowd think of them as individual people who

you're entertaining yes and then he said you know you're gonna do great cuz you're you're a good comic you're a thoughtful comic who puts effort your craftsman you're not mailing it in it's not some sad bullshit and I was like yes yes this all makes sense he's like I'll stop by and you're like that's really nice and there was a whole bunch of other shit too but it was just one of those great talks like yes and this and he's like of course and that and it really felt great where like by the end of it I was like you know Rocky and Mickey or whoever and then I was all excited then I go back there right as I

get back Vita shows up and Sarah was supposed to be at the creek her thing that cancelled so she comes and then you start to be like okay this is gonna be fine yeah yeah Donnelly goes up he kills does an excellent job I recommend hiring him for anything great comic and the first show you go up there and right away they're hot out of the gate ton of Tuesdays we had a whole line Liz had to pull me away she's like you can't just meet and greet everybody we got another show you gotta start so I feel bad for everyone I missed but it was hot and there's no better feeling than me like I got it yes the second show I don't need

anything I turn my phone back on and Alan I have a text from Alan our therapist he goes you're so funny you're so great I'm thinking of you and then I have a text from Louis saying I'm coming to the 10 p.m. show you're too old love yeah exactly and Collins like I poked my head in it was amazing so that was nice so I had poke I screenshot I got three I got text from Alan Louis and Quinn Wow which was a comedy trifect quite a treasure and then also my friend Dave Stewart who's a state trooper in Massachusetts he was asking me for tickets to some event he's a jerk rule of threes but hell of a guy and thanks

for their service police whatever anyways so then the second show you come down Ari shows up yeah Louis comes down we have a little bad boy corner yeah we did and Sarah she's a good girl yeah thumb she's fucking a bad boy yeah bad boys for life so you guys are all in the little corner there which was nice and that felt good having it in the can help yeah of course I would have been freaking out if you guys were there and I'd already eaten my dick right but that's the thing like you still want to impress your friends you like the first show was unbelievable whatever happens here don't worry about it right and then I had a

group of all these young comics who I had seen the day before and told them it was light those like the second show is really like they were like we'll just come get a table so I got all them comp so I gotta give a hot shout out to that whole group good group Diego Lopez Steve Rogers Chloe Radcliffe Jeff Sheen Isabel Hagan Renan Hirschberg Jacob Williams I mean that whole gang and they're all killers in their own right funny funny comics so they're all back there my manager and agent of their they were sweet I already have it in the can second show also I thought was terrific killer show tougher a little more work

but it was it was a fair show they weren't just blowing you to blow you yes exactly they were it took some doing and can I just say from my my POV please love fest I'm in that little cocoon of of semen back there with all your friends and me and Lou and Ari and the butler and it was like oh that bit and I'm sitting next to Louis CK like our comedic idol and he's going oh what an egg I never thought about that that's killer I never heard that one I've been working with a guy for five years never heard that but he's just going off and he's hitting me and I'm like yeah yeah I know I do a podcast with him and just

wild surreal to see I'm in the comedy seller packed out you're doing a special sitting next to Louis CK and he's queef in the whole time the whole thing was bananas like Ari belly laughing is weird oh wow just because he's laughing at a comedy show which is so weird for comics yeah cuz we're also jaded and gay but yeah it was a it was a special thing and like it was top to bottom there was no real hiccups or any problems and there was no like I suck like you're quick I go to I suck guy yeah there wasn't any of that which was good and we all had lunch or dinner after the diner and it was it was a magical night yeah it was

really something that second show coming off stage and then you know you collect father figures when your dad's whatever sure and nice guy but I come off and then Louis gets up it gives me a big hug and like my my manager and agent my agent had my set list and so I'm doing a double check to make sure I didn't miss anything I'm like I think we got it oh yeah and a big hug from him a kiss from Sarah a blowjob from Ari and then you just have that feeling of like alright I did it like I don't know if anyone's gonna buy it or anyone's gonna watch it but that first worry is you spend all this money in the show sucks

right so I'm like I've gotten over that the show was killer killer so hopefully the people like it but that's out of my hands yeah no I think no one buys this they're kooky they don't get comedy and they're all trying to have a star fuck fest yeah this is good comedy good jokes top to bottom I mean one of the best comics ever loved it Colin Quinn is supporting it I mean come on people fuck these twats up in Netflix who don't get it they just put up famous people who aren't doing sets and doing the road like we are this is what comedy is this is good comedy it's not about who's famous it's about jokes it's about writing it's

about humor a lot of jokes so I felt good about that but then it was that great thing to you meet and greet you talk you chat to everybody you give your hugs you say thanks for everything and we went to old Waverly diner my favorite diner all the city you me Ari Sarah Louie and then like what then I just went crazy I've been eating late at night in a year one in the morning I'm like whatever I had a vanilla milkshake a waffle extra syrup extra butter heated syrup and what a time to be alive I had the milkshake you had some soup or something would you have cereal soup and cereal and great hang kicked around some old times got a lot

of laughs took the cab back you want to get laid in the big 90s special but I was so filled with waffle and ice cream I was like yeah fuck it we'll do it another time sure I have to say one of the best nights of my career and life I felt great so great night great set and I can't wait for the people to see this fucker me to go back to drove all the way down from where the fuck six hour drive got to introduce him to Louie which was fun that was a fun moment to all the fans coming back to be like oh man we're big fans of the podcast like Mark's right there right and then like whoa marketing like Louis right there and no

one cared about Ari but that's alright well he's a mean guy you had a good time but anyways yeah that's that and thank you to everybody great time and speaking of specials that we gotta get that edited oh yeah my special comes out on come on YouTube April 1st so it's April Fool's Day oh shit even realize that yeah it'd be funny if you were just kidding yeah it's all a joke no special but yeah that'll be out the album comes out next week on the iTunes the Spotify the Pandora you name it and make sure you go buy the album buy it stream it which is nice but just buy it ten bucks comment on it favorite it what do

you call it a star five star lunch yes and the special is free it's gonna be free free just like a San Marils yeah so buy the album to that's two for one you get the album and the special and then go to the YouTube make sure you let hit like and make sure you comment a positive comment to get it up the fucking algorithm yeah and don't write algorithm either because I don't trust them anymore I feel like they see that yes I don't know what goes on but just write hilarious whatever and then do the thing we always do say hey and check out the podcast Tuesdays with stories because a lot of people find out about the

podcast from the YouTube here here so push this shit don't just watch it watch it tell a friend share it tweet it even if you have six followers just tweet it out get the tweet viral get the YouTube viral get the album viral leave a review all that shit oh yeah it matters love baby we need you and you guys are helping us because you spread the herpes all around and now this guy has it and he gives it his wife and she's got it and it's just gonna grow and we'll just spread the earth with Tuesdays then we'll all have a nice big family to eat lunch at that's the thing with the stand up particularly because the podcast I

could see people hearing it and being like what the fuck is this these guys are crazy this sucks sure but the stand up it just a matter of them hearing it hear us they're gonna be like this is great yeah because we work it out we go on the road and it's polished and honed the the the the podcast is we're all over the place here just quiffing and quaffing yeah I mean the podcast is pretty great too but we're saying retired and you know my act yeah me too actually but either way it's home yeah it's funny stuff all right we got to wrap this up yeah it's been too long all right where the fuck my tits this

weekend if you're not afraid of the corona virus come to comics roadhouse and listen to this part don't tune out I get all these people being like when you're coming to Buffalo I'm like I was there three days ago that's the worst so comics roadhouse this weekend skankfest of course we'll be there at skankfest we're doing a live podcast there and then moon tower of course Melbourne comedy festival who ha ha comedy club in Worcester April 17th and 18th I'm gonna go deep into May Royal Oak Michigan May 1st and 2nd the Uncle Dale benefit May 9th in Quincy Massachusetts that's always a fun show Salt Lake City wise guys May

22nd 23rd Toronto is confusing it's either May 20th 29th and 30th I don't know I'll be up there San Francisco punchline June 10th to the 13th never worked San Francisco and then Portland Maine June 27th 28th and you can check out my new podcast called mindful metal jacket you can go give that a nice review to a lot of you already have so check that out appreciate it getting about 3,500 downloads a week pretty good for a new podcast so check it out it's fun I don't know fact Chris Al's on one he's on this week this Thursday Chris Allen two days and that was a good one we really got deep in there so good all

right I'm at a Connecticut stress factory in Bridgeport please come out that's a big room we'd love to see some gays and hug it out and blow each other then we're in Vegas moon tower let's see a stress factory in New Jersey that'll be fun got my pal Ian Lara opening Brea improv that's right around the corner LA so come on out to Brea never been there I don't know what the hell of Brea is funny bone in Des Moines skankfest south Zainis in Chicago laugh shop in Calgary that'll be fun Tempe improv I love that club I love that town good nights in Raleigh to be Philly helium Tempe soho theater in July in England Grand Rapids Michigan

and Miami improv and a Acme comedy club August wise guys so all kinds of stuff later in the year thanks for listening get a queef laugh love queef shirt old shirts are still on merch pump I just put the link up on my stories and yeah tell a friend spread the love anal your dad blow your mom and queef it up out there braze all up