Tuesdays with Stories! - #342 Cheeto Pie

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

NOTE: THE SKANKFEST AND AUSTRALIA DATES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE HAVE BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO CORONAVIRUS. GO TO COMEDIANJOELIST.COM OR MARKNORMANDCOMEDY.COM FOR ANY UPDATES ON THEIR UPCOMING ROAD DATES Hey Tuesgays, we do in fact have another fantastic episode for you this week as Mark has some moped issues while riding around town while Joe has some radio trouble in Ann Arbor before climbing a damn mountain somewhere else. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) & BlueChew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy you're spitting at me yeah hey we're rolling folks this is it it's Tuesday it's almost I think St. Patty's Day happened yeah we're past St. Patrick's Day where

it's I think it's August I don't know what the fuck well I don't know what if the corona heard it that's what's weird because we got a we're recording we're pre-recording I'm going on vacation despite the warnings and everything's changing so fast with Corona this could come out in like an apocalyptic world oh that's fun people might be listening to this on old tin cans and radios right using a coat hanger this across the eminy lines it's Mark and Joe right oh that'd be fun yeah they could be in a quarantine right now just pumping this out and just millions of offended people like what does this queef what I feel

like this is good by the way I feel like the offensiveness would go down in that kind of world completely if everyone was starving and had AIDS and you know their dicks fell off everyone would be like well they said con to cares I had the 40s you could hit your wife with a with a pool cue and nobody cared because there the Germans were coming exactly well speaking of by the way hitting your wife and everything I saw quite a quite a film last night oh hell of a picture movie a film I saw I've seen a couple of woke feministy films and some people are gonna hate me for this but some good good motion pictures being made yeah it's

one of the benefits I guess of the the movement and everything many benefits of course but there's a couple good movies I heard invisible man is dog shit I heard it was great oh Ranaan Hirschberg who I have faith in he was like this movie is shit and anyone that likes it's because they're trying to be woke is that right because it the whole thing is metaphorical he's the invisible man no one believes her he's hitting me right now they're like there's no one doing anything and he said it's so over the top and heavy-handed that it's like you can't even do it and the reason it has the reviews which we've discussed in the

show before is that the message is so like this is great interest I heard it from a meathead who liked it but maybe he didn't I don't think he caught the message he didn't get it interesting it's like the people that we talked about this maybe but an it too at the end of the movie I mean so many people that like I didn't see that is Trump I'm like what it to the movie it to oh no I hate Shakespeare he's gay but the sequel to it the end of the movie we talked about this I think is like it's the clown and he has like big red hair like what do you call it like he's got Trump head and he's like I'm evil and they're all like

you're just a bully like yeah if we all gang together we can defeat him and I talked all these people like I didn't see that I'm like I'm not trying to say I'm a brilliant film watcher I'm like this is pretty fucking right at right up your ass here I haven't caught it but I don't care for these political agendas shoved into my clown porn no well I mean if you can you do it subtly we are like I see what's going on here you can pull it off well but that one I just thought was like oh god I get it wow that's embarrassing it like cool hand Luke it's pretty obvious it's a Christ thing yeah he's Jesus and the disciples and the

but sex yeah but yeah yeah it being Trump that's that's a that's a kook it's tough but this so anyways I heard invisible man is like that but maybe it's good I don't know I'll see it we're not Hershberg he is a you know he's made mistakes before sure sure Jewish his face yeah but he's he's a smart cat and he he loves Sopranos we re rail about Sopranos I'm a fan as well there's something though that he hated I thought was insane or that he didn't like well there you go oh what was he loves the Irishman yeah there's something that he thought was one of the worst move advice versus so we have our differences may

also I'll see the picture but I do see that it's like oh nobody sees what has happening to me wouldn't that be the woman is invisible you know what I mean like in this old man seems more of an insult to the male well it's not that man anymore the white man is out kind of thing it's not that he's invisible it's that everyone believes her they're like I don't see what you're talking about her complains is that the beatings are invisible right right right right right but I do love a good when it's well done this movie I saw was called Swallow ooh the gay porn well they try to get well they'll had a little swallow true true

I swallow and I'm not gay could be about birds as well if it's your own comments not gay right that's I'm putting that out there that's actually really hetero yeah I guess so you're drinking your own juices yeah you know it's like a water world when he drinks his piss what's manlier than that yeah it's pretty cool pretty cool teaches your own what's the last time Costa had a real hit fielded tree I mean it's a long time I mean JFK was postfielded dreams yeah yeah yeah wet but it's it wasn't long after that I mean that is a tale of two careers right there well the postman was the real division I feel like that's when he was

on the fence and then he went postman and there was all poo poo from there yeah well I think it was water world like stunk and was like a big deal and then postman was like one of the greatest losses in the history of my thing yeah dances with dicks that was before that was when he was hot I mean he got that was like a best picture the whole thing and then JFK is one of the best movies ever and fielded dreams is amazing Boulderm's amazing Silverado is fun and he was in that one with the boy remember they went driving around that was in the bad time lost world oh yeah what was that cause lost and found world was these wasn't

lost boys that might be right it was perfect world perfect world I never said the kid wears a mask I think they're all banks or something yeah they had something going on and then there was another baseball for the love of the game and swing state yes swing vote swing vote I think it was swing but I think it was the one vote it came down to one vote and he had like a kid on that one too sex swing which was really an absurd plot he was in one with mr. mr. banks no yeah yeah that was a murder something 13 in there too 13 that kid was old enough lucky 13 13 days there was 13 days I told this story before too but I was I

saw that in Boston it was about the Cuban Missile Crisis I don't know that one and it was packed and he played I think McNamara and his first line he's like we gotta get the bombs out and the whole crowd was like a reaction of physical or whatever you call it audible reaction like fuck you well you bean town is love your your GIF your JFK JFK oh yeah we love the Kennedys I love the Kennedys yeah my my lady she's from the Cape Cod area and her her grandma there's like 9,000 years old and she's like hello Mark do you like Kennedy and I was like who the the VJ and she was like Kennedy and I was like John F Kennedy she's like

yeah do you like him I was like yeah I guess and she was like okay good I think she was seeing if I was a Republican right well that down Hianisport is like the right the epicenter of the Kennedys yeah they got photos of them on the wall like you don't know the guy oh yeah well they got that the sailboat because I think for people especially in Boston Irish Catholic people over time period they were that Camelot like I had this big family it was like oh my god Boston Irish people are taken over right they're the fucking leader and like they've never been a Catholic president they've

never been an Irish president Irish I don't know someone's gonna yell at me but he was a big Irish cat yeah and he had a fucking crazy accent and it felt like in Boston it felt like he's one of us this is crazy it's your Obama yes exactly and he was young and like sick they were all hot and they had sailboats and they cared about the working class so it was a big deal up there oh yeah oh yeah that is a big deal weird to because Irish used to be whoa Irish was need not apply like in the 30s they say the Irish crime rate was like 80% it was like if you saw an Irish guy on the street really fuck a Mick right right ginger yeah and then

they had made it to the White House it would be like if there was a what do you call you guys nah Croatians what's the people with the spell oh with e a ux oh Eastern Europe P no you're dumb people Croatian they oh e o a ux I don't know that's me well how'd you get me in there Joe burrow the French bullshit what's it called Cajun okay it would be like if there was a Cajun guy who was like y'all gonna be on the mock country and like New Orleans you be like oh my god we did it yeah totally there was a guy with like a crocodile necklace and you know he felt his name Devereaux or whatever seersucker drinking a mint julep riding

a croc yeah well now we're gonna come down there and we're gonna go to war yeah everybody like oh my god one beads and crawfish yeah and then somebody shot him in the face and you know they had a retired kid that they had to lobotomize people would be having pictures of that guy sure sure he we he long was getting close in the news wait was a Huey Lewis joke we long in the news that's hip to be square long in the pants that guy yeah big dong yep the power of love that's the power of love but oh so this the picture I saw swallow last night yes I would follow me so I saw you for a moment I saw you but not really saw you but at

the new jokes over at fat black mm-hmm so I had one of those weird nights last night where I did the podcast here then I went and wandered around for like several hours and then walked you ever be late for a spot when you were in the city five hours early isn't that the worst I just did it yesterday I was walking around beautiful day met up with a friend and all of a sudden I'm like I'll walk up there and then you're like my spot's in nine minutes of 48 blocks away I had to get on the bus and like sprint there like where you coming from like yeah just around yeah well luckily that show is eight hours late every time yeah well

that was the difference that was at New York comedy club oh I see and then I hung out there talking to a couple of ladies and I had to get back down to new jokes did new jokes and I felt good cuz I'm starting to lose my voice was a little scratchy the seasons blah blah blah and I looked up IFC which is one of the great movie theaters right down the street from your house here six Avenue and I said I looked it up and there's a picture called Swallow 88% thriller suspense for whatever I got I'm gonna go see this movie I asked the guys at what time is it let out he says midnight I got a 1210 spot and the sellers a block

away ah so I felt pretty good went and saw the movie it was me and two Asian girls coughing yeah fine and this is a this is a good film I think you enjoy this film yeah cuz it's it's it's about feminism and abusive relationship but it's not over the top crazy all right here's a piece of shit guy which there's a lot of pieces shit guys I'm sure many of you are listening lifetime as a channel but it's about this woman who has a some kind of complex call I forget what it's called where she swallows non-food items and it's pretty disturbing like she swallows like a thumbtack a battery and that's just swallowing a

screwdriver and shit is that a thing or is that a real thing yeah it's called Inu or Pema Pekka Pella this is what we need a producer call in she'll be plugged something in right here just go interesting I didn't know it was called that yeah so it's called something but it's like cutting I guess it feels like she's starting to take the power back you know right right so it's pretty disturbing because it shows her swallowing this shit and then what she does is she takes a big spicy dump and then pulls it out washes it off and collects it so she's got a whole

that's collection must smell like ass no yes I think she washes it she's a housewife all right but it's very hitch cocky and yes I don't want to give too much away but it gets pretty intense and I was I was in they had me all right and maybe want to swallow some come this is a food item well she does end up sucking the guy off so I think it's kind of like a wink wink that's not all she'll swallow got it but the guy's a piece of shit and it's a woman who's like Mary's like a rich guy and her his parents hate her and then it starts to get really fun oh boy not fun to us yeah not fun it's not like you know bubble gum and

cartwheels but it's only little stuff she's not like slowly eating a pillow cushioned over a year you know that what she eats dirt you're not gonna see it I'll just give away the whole movie yeah she's swallowing batteries and thumb tacks and then like she what happens is she gets pregnant and then they this is spoiler alert from a bad word no no no she gets pregnant from the the semen ah yes he's what she swallows semen that gets you pregnant I found out that's what I've heard so they're doing an ultrasound and they're like what something's going on in here they send her emergency surgery and then there's just like a pile

of shit there as a hot wheels car a dreidel yeah and the guy's like what the fuck you piece of shit and then he really tries to like you know control her after that and it's quite quite I don't know endearing and touching I don't know not endearing so it's somewhat I don't want to give away the whole thing because I think I think we got people really buying into this yeah I'm into I want to see your shit out a Christmas tree and a record collection and all this stuff it's pretty to stir I would say disturbing gripping and powerful those are the three words which I you know you can also say about my asshole and my comedy yeah

alright I'm in swallow baby yeah I'm I'm swallowing go see swallow it's right around the corner it's a hell of a theater too alright so I saw that and then the other one I saw was called the assistant have you heard of that scene too film yeah I'm a woke cunt I guess so alright and the assistant is like a Harvey Weinstein it's basically Harvey Weinstein and the woman is his assistant and it's just a day in the life oh boy and nothing crazy happens but it gives you a little insight into how it goes down nothing crazy how do you have that movie with nothing crazy well it's all alluded to but it's just one day

just one regular day but there's a great scene where she goes to complain because Harvey Weinstein character is like flying in some like 20 year old girl from Omaha yeah he puts her in a hotel he's gonna go you know banger yeah and the woman she's like I'm gonna go tell HR about this okay so then she goes to HR and she's like there's a girl and the guy's like what do you mean girl girl and she's like well he's like how she's old how old she's 20 that's a woman a woman right and she's like yeah I guess it's a woman he's like okay so a woman came and had sex and she's at a nice hotel that's the complaint interesting

and you kind of it's so well written because you're like well he's making good points yeah I was gonna I didn't want to say it but but it's very manipulative and it's it's it's gripping not powerful not as powerful not as disturbing either it was powerful disturbing though okay I would say it's a little less disturbing a little less powerful but disturbing and powerful nonetheless but I think you know woke cunt or not woke I feel like a good movie's a good movie a movie's movie but some people I think will go this movie's bullshit and fucking Harvey Weinstein's cool uh well he's not a cool cat I think we can all agree on that and sorry he's

fat yeah fat lovely in a walker now yeah what's that I don't know if I buy no I'm not buying it interesting all right well yeah you've seen your fair share I saw parasite and I hung up my my dancing shoes I just wanted to say sorry oh yeah it happens the other way around obviously too like people like Harriet Tubman that movie's incredible oh movies a piece of shit totally goes both ways you just like Harriet Tubman right how much can you get out of a Tubman by the way oh oh she they may I saw the the poster she's got like a rifle on her chest and you know jet pack and roller skates I was like what are we doing here yeah it

seems a little silly yeah they're really stretching now Rosa Parks that shouldn't be a movie shouldn't well okay she changed seats we got it that's the whole thing that's a web series yeah I think it'd be fun to make I was just thinking about something the other day it was an idea for a comedy but I can't wrote it was fuck well we could use that there was something dramatic that be funny to make as a comedy hmm rape I can't remember what it was all right like just a day like I think it'd be fun to do like a show about Harriet Tubman Rosa Parks but it's like a curb your enthusiasm doesn't have anything to do with the bus right

she's just living she's just funny like funny shit happens you know she slips on a banana peel and you know her father's yells at her whatever the hell and then you hear but yeah yeah something fun like that right now right how's the front seat pretty pretty good yeah something fun I like it now I'll think of the other idea later all right I gotta get mad at me for talking to you fine you're fine well how about this I took your your gay advice there I had a big wad of Canadian bills mm-hmm because I went to Toronto and sold a bunch of shirts but I didn't think about the currency change so I got my ass eaten up up in there the great

white way came back with a big wad forgot to exchange it just went to the bank guess what that rate is 60 cents on the dollar Wow 67 Wow pretty good 67 is better than I thought I guess but is it that's more than half well it's better than I thought I'm saying damn by seven cents right right seven cents they got me so I went to the chase and they go you sure you want to do it and I said well is there a currency exchange place they go you better call them so I called one and he goes well today it changes every day it's like the weather he's like today we're at 68 and chase was 67 so I said give me that extra penny

yeah that's good so I gave him about 850 canuck clams and they gave me about 600 back wow that's tough that's when you go to when you sell merch up there you got a cramp like a book right 20 US 25 Canadian now but I think maybe more than 25 yeah whatever it is I mean you gotta up the prices and the old days I'm sure I've talked about this before too but it used to be the reverse like right back in 2000 2001 I would go up to the titty bars all the time in Montreal and you'd go literally with $200 cash that hand you back 350 and that would be a weekend wow that way to think about I would drive all the way to Montreal we would go to

the casino in the strip clubs with 200 bucks for the weekend yeah that's all in food strip club I but you could do it as a youth you get a couple PBRs you get a couple shots you get a couple slices of pizza as a meal and you're good yeah I guess you'd yeah you'd get you'd pregame you'd get a dirty rack and then some like a fifth of whatever and then just pound it yeah and Molson and all that shit is higher alcohol hmm but yeah it's like going to Mexico but you're going up down Mexico you bring 20 bucks or you're a salt in a burn eye yeah and then you got those French dames up there oh love that Canadian clam I heard a

theory that this is all it's all French and Irish and a bunch of there was a ton of prostitutes yeah so everyone's hot because the prostitutes were hot back then prostitutes were hot right well they were French they shipped in a bunch of French whores right and you know full bush and armpit but the faces were dynamite now it feels like hot women they do well in regular life right and the hookers are you know hideous Barbara Streisand or whatever well I think we can do we're more like James Brolin yeah it's right it's not bad no big honker but you like that I like it I like a young babs now she looks like a goose but

back in the day she had a fun look at piercing eyeballs I like Sarah Jessica dickless over there I think it's insane that there's a whole thing about her being ugly you do I think she's like a smoke show oh man some potty co LA story I've beat off that movie more times than beat off to my Aunt Betty tell me about your Aunt Betty is no slouch she's on like roller skates like tough and she's got like suspect your tits are huge huge naturals yeah I watch Sex in the City every night before bed and I got a nice heart on it yeah I don't even see the city it's hot man yeah she's smoking I told you she was at my birthday party

one year her and Broderick wait what and they were just at the same bar but it was pretty exciting was it over here no it was up in oh Hanigan's or O'Flanigan's remember that place on 46 yes they used to stay up till like six in the morning we could go I mean their apartments two blocks away we could knock on the door and get trick-or-treat we'll do it they grew up there yeah we know all their their catalog or their their cannon what's that k a no CANON I don't know that means like your your whole collection your cannon no I know the camera I know Mike cannon yeah candid camera cannon ball yes that's a

popular and and a way to jump in a pool cannon fodder right I thought I had an idea for Mike cannon dev a show called cannon Potter ah but no one uses Potter except us right right I like it wait as in cannon fodder yeah but Potter right as in they you know something you pot about yeah yeah yeah cannon you cannon yeah James yeah he was a president this Pat too he tried a few times there's a couple presidents that just go under the radar yeah radar you know like taft gets a little love taft was the bathtub guy seventh inning stretch he vented that or whatever okay I think he stood up because he was too fat right so everyone

stood up but then you don't know anything about Adams no he's the second president it's second couple Adam's Sam Adams and there's John Adams and there's John Quincy Adams are those two different guys I don't know there's a whole Adams situation there's the Adams family right there's splitting the Adam that was big yeah yeah up and at them but wait a minute John Adams was the president Quincy was not I thought it was John Quincy Adams I thought it was Quincy Jones I think there's John Adams and there's a John Quincy Adams but I don't know if that's the same guy I don't either then Sam Adams he's not a president

but he's a founding father and a drunk is that right that makes sense I think they were all drunk by the way the guy that Ed Koch or not Ed Koch whatever that guy's what's the guy's name who does the Sam Adams and he's always drinking he's like this beer has been perfected I'm like you're just an alcoholic you just go around the vats tasting all day I don't know I don't think it's God's maybe it's Cuomo vote for Cuomo not the homo no Cuomo yeah I'm not sure who that is all right Colin that sounds right yeah this is a kooky episode all over the highway it feels like a patreon well can I give the full disclosure I like to

disclose you love disclose I like this naked I'm a disclosure and we had to record three in like four days this is back to back so I got nothing yeah he's going on vacation I'm hitting the road where we are where we're stockpiling for Corona yeah I walked up here being like I guess I'll tell him about Swallow I don't know that's what I was big I had to tell him about the money cash I just did this feels like when Kramer couldn't tell his own stories the very pants I was returning right or the movie phone why don't you just tell me the movie want to see well I do have one thing well please I was sitting on it cuz I

wanted to see how much time we could kill well we're halfway through I could what yeah I can do one more thing if you want me to do it or save it hit me with the thing well it's not even that big of a deal but I was a ride in the hog around hit a big humdinger of a bump got a flat tire okay so I set up well here we go and the gas stations in this town have gone kaput yeah they're on that you got to go far west or far east yes they're coastal right coastal so like the liberals so I had to go all the way to 8th Avenue from the stand and I didn't put air in it when's the last time you did that remember that was like a normal

thing like you put the quarters in you know you unscrew it you do it I had to do all that it's a it's a buck 50 for three minutes of air wow which is a raping it's air it's free yeah we're giving you 60 for nothing I know so you know I go up to the guy like here's a five and he hands me back a couple of quarters like two bucks and quarters then he gives me the three dollar coins oh the sack of Julia hate the sack yeah suck my sack Julia so I hate that I hate that because now you just ching changin and Chong and all over the place you like the K-man right right paper money bills bills so it's a horrible team

so I go I go fucking put the air in and I'm you know this thing is so loud it's a error would just be like you know you should do is bring your lady have her sit on the cube while you're doing that she gets on that fucking box with her your legs out that's not bad you got a nice fresh bike and a nice off light lady yeah and after she squirts I can hose it down with the air yeah because chicks used to sit on the dryer back in the 80s of course yeah I think it was rumbling you put some shoes in there some clogs well there's so many things that vibrate it's kind of nice right you got the razor toothbrush yes the other stuff

whatever else so I see this cranked up car what do you call those he's riding the rim this lady is in a Camry and you can hear it a mile away you know grill or a rim on cement rim job so this woman pops up on the what's that called the neutral ground we call it Louisiana rim Reaper the median median yes not the mean the median so it pops up on the median ride in the rim and then now the median hits the grill and the middle of the car now that she's riding that there sparks going everywhere she pops over the median comes into the gas station and pulls up next to me it was the loudest thing ever Jesus and I was like what is

this lady doing and she's like can I get some of that air and I finished like here take the air there's like a 30 seconds left and I was like who is this woman what's going on so I had to stay and watch apparently was an uber driver lady who hates uber she hates driving and she's just giving up that's the end of her career right now I guess so she got a flat and she's popped that car over the median didn't give a shit well that's what I think the city does you do something and then we were just talking about this before we started about a guy people just go I'm done I'm out he was she was out baby was over and it was fun

to watch it was kind of like when somebody just throws their apron except she threw the car into the wind I fantasize about that in the picture I was telling you about Swallow yes there's a scene I'm just giving away the whole movie but she's just smashes her iPhone she's in a hotel she just takes the thing and I have fantasies of that just taking this thing and break it in half and throwing it up my ass I know but then two seconds later go shit how's my tweet doing yeah that was a big mistake but the idea of quitting just seems really fun yeah that's why that that Ari stuff is enticing with the with the

China and the flip phone and the Judaism yeah but he's off he's back on his smartphone then as soon as he got back on he desecrated his career for a moment and he's back he was supposed to go out shoot a special and go out and it all got whatever because he was using his smartphone yeah I guess so but I'm about to go out to Joshua tree and I'll be out there that'll be great it's nice yeah that'll be real nice you get a tan you get some zen in you we'll see hopefully I'll get Corona they don't live out in Joshua Corona's in the city it's urban it's so crazy two weeks from this comes out two weeks from now that

everything could be different could be wiped out we could be living in Cuba hmm wouldn't be bad huh seems nice yeah I like the sandwiches all right so yeah that was it and so I put some air on the bike and I put some gas in it two bucks to fill it up which feels good hey you literally watch the tank go and you close it and you just see gas splashing and swash it doesn't in real time what do you mean the little thing oh I'm talking about though you see the liquid oh wow so you got a clear gas tank clear oh no it's not clear you can look in it it's just I'm just looking in a hole oh I see yeah cuz the car you never have

that right that's a fun thing to see that should be clear there should be more things that are clear yes a toilet I think I'd like a clear toilet it'd be fun while you're shitting I sit next to it and just watch your poop slip out that would be delightful wouldn't that be fun that would be a lot of fun and you could see what the clog was yeah clogger oh it's a cat yeah yeah look at there's an orange turd when you had cheeto pie hey right cheeto pie Frito pie Frito cheeto yeah who's counting couldn't think of anything orange yeah but my shits are orange sometime weird all that I see man I think it's stress or something I don't

know what the hell's going on orange shit can't be good but you remember in the 90s when everything was clear like they made a clear beeper than a clear phone at a clear clock Pepsi clear crystal yeah then clear tomato that was in the Van Halen video your tomato yeah there was a Van Halen video right now there was a guy holding it look like a jellyfish I remember being like what they're clear who jellyfish oh yeah see right the organs how about this one clear oh yeah and on flights I'm clear then there was a movie that Larry David did going clear or clear clear history history very underrated yeah Chicago blew his old

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say so yeah right now we've got a special deal for our listeners you can visit blue chew dot com and get your first shipment free when you use our special code code Tuesdays just pay $5 shipping again that's B L U E chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free blue chew is the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast love you blue chew thank you alright so yeah that was all I had but we got something out of that yeah that's not well this is something that's kind of fun I think hit me I was in Ann Arbor out there doing Ann Arbor comedy showcase with old kooky Roger oh yeah that show

that club is lunch yeah you know what's funny I was there and I that was the last club I did before my special and I was sitting there the shows were so good that I was like I was shot my special here yeah and my pal Carl Johnson you know Carl Johnson he's always there he wears like a hat sounds like a beard no he's one of the guys that's always hanging in the green room oh yeah yeah green room guy that's a lot of green room like a like monkeys is hanging on a vine in there yeah you show up you're like this is insane yeah so you got nowhere to sit in the headliner it's fine they're nice but you're like this is

outrageous yeah but you know it's kind of fun as you're there you're the big dog alpha so if you say something they all shut up and go what's that ah you know but you can't abuse it but it's nice every now and then yeah no it was not it was a nice hang I don't want to sound I don't want everyone to feel bad about it but you walk in there you're like this is this is crazy it's like an AA meeting in there I know it's a bus stop less funny but I go in there and so I was like I should have shot my special here because you have this anxiety with shooting a special which ended up being okay but being great you want every show you do

is so hot that you're like I want it to sound like this the biggest fear is to have a special that doesn't you don't kill as hard as you normally do I had that this with my special and then forever you want to go yeah this is good but you should have seen Saturday and Omaha or whatever but Ann Arbor was so good and then Carl Johnson remind me he's like yeah you said last time you were here your next album you're gonna do here oh and I was like how did I forget that so I gotta remember next time I'm gonna remember that have a crew come out and and shoot it in Ann Arbor or Rosemont Zainis that's a hot one as well I

like that you could you could shoot there at the back you could put a camera in there and small very wide I thought this was funny on stage I riffed this I said I'm gonna do my next special in Ann Arbor I'm gonna call it go blue see the football team is Michigan Wolverine their big thing is go blue everything's go blue that's like the Michigan thing and I'm going blue I'm dirty oh so it's a pun but I mean it bombed it bombed harder there than it did here oh wow it was bad here I was like is this you guys not you know Michigan yeah but I think that's one of those towns where they resent the school or something well

they're very intellectual high society over there they're readers in Ann Arbor I don't know about that well not high society but I think they're there they're all up they're all up there on asses they're a little precious over there they're not they're not a bunch of Kalamazoo cunts they're fucking we like to have a cup of coffee and listen NPR oh I was thinking different I think you might be mistaken really Ann Arbor the school is nice but most of them go over the school I thought they were Kalamazoo people that came into Ann Arbor I thought they were like what go blue I don't know even I feel like it's all

bookstores coffee shops and Planned Parenthood clinics well in this in the downtown area there but you go a few feet and it's a little rough around the nipples yeah that's true I think a lot of New Orleans is like that you go eight feet out of the city and it's a Kunas alligator soup and rape yeah well I don't know what happened but I thought it was a decent thing but it stinks evidently I like go blue that stinks but anyways I might do my next album there because that club really gets a rockin really cooks low ceiling good layout smart smart crowds over there yeah they're good crowds and a lot of Tuesdays

to a lot of Tuesday you were there the week before so they were all some seen it I think that Roger cat the guy who runs it and owns it he he kind of what do you call it where you produce people you like he like us trains the audience hones as a word the audience is very trained disciplined susceptible garnished garnished oh I know what you're saying yes they're very with a housewife right your shape submit to submissive they're very garnish is close it's a Gertrude shit people are very trained fabricated manipulated manipulated something but that's not it raped beaten shit swallow is it they're well trained yeah you know

what I'm saying right yes they've been they've been given the goods they get good acts yeah they've been worked out home yeah yeah yeah shit in my mouth need the dough you need the audience yeah yeah that's true fuck me I ain't old dick I'd see what you're saying Jews yeah you're figuring my ass and I'm about to come but I just can't quite get it you gotta think about your aunt hold on the the audience is very had it oh shit stop saying things for a second all right just give them the dead air they can take it I don't know if I can't know we can't that's true the audience is nourished nourished near nature nurture is there an n-word I

know one the audience is very uh oh I almost had it it's like what you do with a puppy oh trained discipline you if you fucking raise grazed it reared you pull in the ears damn your cuddle collar now we better move on later it'll hit me in the shower in 2021 the audience has been free-furbished you know funneled boy this is the longest we spent on one of these I think we got a move we got a move on good crowds say this they got good crowds there yeah yeah they the owner really tainted the crowds well he's a he's a strange bird oh nice guy comes in with his coffee he's smoking cigars in the green room old school

really smells cigar you know that's Roger he's in his janitor closet smoking a cigar before one he's got glasses and a stash and he'll throw the crowd out get the fuck out of here weighs 110 pounds and he's one of those guys that's so little but so assertive yes that people must be like shit what's up with this guy I'm gonna get out of here right I don't know where's a sweater and then baggy jeans and it holds a coffee mug yeah quietly stoic he's very stoic and he's do a size to his audience is fuck nurtured not quite wait I almost had it he's fucking this one of these coerced coerced ah you're getting your

massaging close you're you're edging fine tuned fine tune fuck me hard right in the ass very fabricated shit he's then they always say about Denver oh Denver's a great club because Wendy has really blah blah blah the audience over the years curated yeah yeah that's not it did I already say it right it is now that's you do that a museum not bad and I don't want to cultured it's a C word I think see cunt whose clam bake got cultivated cultivated what did I say before that cultivated what did I say right before that is it curated curated god cultivated cultivated she's really cultivated

audience wow I would have never got all right god teamwork cultivate and curate feels so close that's why I'm so excited with curate man well done well heart beating yeah that was intense I didn't think we're gonna get it we got it I'm flooded my wedding dad didn't beat this hard no I think we lost a couple followers but it was worth it yeah what can you do we didn't need them now we cultivated just now yeah we've cultivated an audience that's true swallow that's bit um that's hot everything that is hot for a while the opposite becomes hot don't you find that so that's all life and then style and music and art like

early on you're like you want a girl to swallow you're low and then later and she spits it my eye I'm like that's what I need right yeah I mean it's like grunge before and then was hair rock before hair metal before that and disco before that and you know hippie-dippy Beatles just keeps changing the shitty Beatles yeah well you know it's like woke comedy and now it's being pushed back by you know your dark shit and your edgy and then it'll be a activism me again it just keeps flipping them up bell bottoms are in then they're out and they're back in yep more examples the Navy started that the Navy yeah bell bottoms those

Navy guys get them off past your boots interesting and then it caught on the military gets no credit for all their fashion additions oh I'm glad you had the fashion thing I'm like they're getting quite a bit of credit well yeah you have a sporting event without seven moments of silence and three anthems in a plane walking by blue angels we got it blue angels all right you did a loop give me three weeks in a plane I could pull a yoke oh so I'm doing Ann Arbor and they think we cultivate a crowd Annie and after the Thursday show I go there's no media this is nice and then Roger comes up and says would you mind

doing a little radio tomorrow so right away you're like he's like you don't have to but what am I I'm never gonna be like alright then I'm not of course but that's what you're thinking but he says it's at noon which noon the whole thing with radio is it's getting up noon isn't bad so noon is like I got nothing to do all day anyways true and it gets you out of the house so he says it's noon and I have a rental car he goes you can go over there you drive yourself he goes it's one segment sports radio you don't have to do it but I say I'm happy to do it I love the guy I love the club our tickets okay is he worried about tickets or I

think they just they advertise and he's like you don't have to doesn't matter tickets were fine okay and so I said I'm happy to do it it's nice to do things you know sure and it gets you I get you up and Adam so I said sure so he texts me the address next day I go I have breakfast I'm going down to radio and it's one of these like what do they call business parks where it's like a million offices all in this one big parking lot you know kids eat lunch down there and everything what kids the workers I guess so one of those public things with a bunch of tables that's what I'm picturing no no it's like a

parking lot with a bunch of offices in this one okay you know a t-shirt printing this one is a radio station this one is your mother's asshole at parks I pictured a park no business park is like just they call it a park oh I see it's not a park it's like a parking lot yeah Rosa parks so I go down there and I walk in the plug walk in the address and it says whatever 219 blow me Boulevard and it says 219 on the thing okay now I don't realize it's a sweet number it's sweet this sweet that sweet and low sweet Caroline sweet and pepper that's not it sweet and high what is the sweet in their bands sweet and sweat sweet and

sour ah yes that's it no that's a band but I like sour solo stuff so I walk in there and right away a woman is behind the desk and she kind of gas she goes she like does that she's like shuffle she's like can I help you and I was like yeah I met like maybe I'm in the wrong place I'm looking for you know Joe and Bo radio whatever Dick and Steve the hammer I'm looking for the hammer radio and she's like she's like shuffling papers and I could feel you know when you go somewhere the vibe feels weird and it's pink signs and ribbons and Liz Warren's and like a Hillary bobblehead and there's a bunch of there's like

rainbows and you're at a women's abuse center exactly that's where I've been to many I know I'm like the back of my hand I so does she I could I could feel it I could just feel something amiss I could tell by her reaction you can't have a man in there no man out there who and I'm the straight white guy and I see like doctor this therapist this behavioral therapy thing and I'm like I pull up my phone and I'm like shaking next right away I can tell and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable ever in my life and so I'm going yeah I'm looking for Steve and the wolf right says 19 and she's like well I don't know I've never I don't

and then a kindly Asian woman came out who looked sexy ironically interesting I don't know about ironic but I guess it's kind of ironic I lonic because it feels very you know non-sexual and peaceful but she comes out and like like to eat their ass yeah so she comes out she's got heels their business suit and she's like I think it's a different sweet she was nice this lady was fucking freaking out yeah but I get it she probably thinks you know my ex-wife could be in there with the set you know she's having a session and I'm going is fucking barbering here that cunt yeah I want to hit her yeah she's been swallowing all

my coins right swallow so I go I go yeah I think I'm in the wrong play I'd like hands up don't shoot face yeah and she's like I think it might be on the other end this is a small this is you're in the wrong place here that's like I'm so sorry I'm sorry for everybody that's ever hurt yeah yeah yeah well the Asian woman's scared because she could have probably carotied yeah she she got it but I walked out of there and I was like woof but it felt like one of those like time travel movies where they go to the wrong year like they get out of the booth it's like oh shit this must be in 1978 yes yes get back in but it's weird

when you have that moment right away of like something's up here oh yeah and I looked and it was like abuse center therapy center recovery center safe space it says the whole thing not for you and so I could have really fuck so what if she had been coming out and been like so that's the story my uncle blowing me yeah I walked in you know wow I wonder if you looked like the guy who hit the receptionist she was obviously battered at some point oh for sure I could have been a guy that looked like me I hope I didn't trigger anybody but yeah and you're a tall cup of jizz you know you're a figure yeah you don't do a little jujitsu I've been

posing I mean I got herpes the whole thing so you got it so anyways I end up find the radio station but it was one of those ones where you're walking you're like wow that could not have been further off from what I'm going to do and then it cuts to me in radio and I'm like well I got a wife and we fuck and come down and see me right but it ended up being fine it was an easy segment it was one segment and the guy you could tell they were a little like what's it because everything's so PC there oh at the radio yeah and like I'm just making a joke about I said something about my sister's hot or I want to have sex with my sister

or some weird something like okay well just kidding obviously yeah it's a sports radio it's supposed to be a bunch of Guido's and knuckleheads yeah but anyways it was fine everybody's nervous and then they said he's like he could just do like 10 minutes but Roger was like Joe DeVito he stayed for an hour they loved him and I did one segment and they were like okay thanks for coming by and I was like damn it they hated me well the sister fucking brought through mom yeah I think that was bad but that's what I love about you you got a lot of range there fatty I mean you can see swallow and support the Warren and the

Bernie but then you can also make a sister fuck joke and scare a bunch of sports kooks well I think it's important to understand that there's people that are on your team but we enjoy in a reverent sense of humor I know well everybody's all the way or no way or all gay or no pay yeah but we need each other yes you know they're all looking out everybody wants to be happy and not suffer and some of us just find you know insane things funny it just blows my mind when the most educated and like compassionate open-minded people are the most tribal they're like you don't think of this I'll kill you you're dead to me

all to burn your house down you're like whoa whoa I just have one thing we disagree on yeah it's all horseshit it's like you should never work again cuz that thing you said that's not very progressive right liberal or considered or compassionate here here and I'm not that guy that was a zinger you know like you can just go up my zingers which kind of proves that they just want to get you yeah well it's also we said it's all the time at the podcast I'm like well I trust people to understand that we're kidding it's like a weird thing of like yeah that's your responsibility to understand that I'm joking but then

they go oh you can't just you know you go it's a joke and they go oh you can't just say it's a joke and that makes it okay and I'm like well it was a joke yeah it's okay to me yeah it's okay to me and you getting me fired they're like well what if that's just a joke I'm like yeah but I got fired so it wasn't a joke right yeah yeah what can you do sorry I gotta stop complaining about this shit well I'm fresh out come on I got one other thing I don't know if it's a story though but it's it goes well with this I was out I talked about Phoenix three weeks ago I was there with Louie and the morning of we're driving to

so we're only a two-hour ride we're staying at that nice hotel so I said we're staying on Camelback Mountain the hotel is like in Camelback you ever done Camelback? Camel-Sig next time you're in Phoenix you gotta go do it it's a hike it's a hell of a hike I mean it's do it on the one show night it's long well how long to drive two hours you say no Camelback's in the city that's what's amazing about Phoenix everywhere you go in Phoenix you see the mountain it looks like a camel I've seen the hump there's a big hump and there's a head in the hump yeah and you can go do it it's like the only city that has a fucking

mountain right in the middle of the thing I'm down so you go down there and it's like a three points of contact hike you got to really use your hands and climb that fucking thing yikes that's scary and somewhere there's an episode I did it with Howard Hughes the club owner oh right Howard Hughes yeah I'm thinking of Pistriars another character oh he's a whack job at a half so we did that's where I hiked the mountain right as we summited there was a fucking douchebag dildo head playing music out loud oh yeah that's right and he's like you don't own the mountain I was like you don't own the mountain yes that was a

big up if you recall yeah so get on the patreon go back and listen I said to Louis I'm like you got to do it I mean like this is like an unbelievable climb here yeah but he's 71 yeah so he's not in the best shade he's afraid of heights too Corona but I kept saying let's go do it and he kept doing the thing where he's like we'll walk a little I'll see how far I can get we had to go get breakfast and drive to Tucson but I know how to pull strings and poke what do you call that poke the bear I guess so nudge nudge what's that one called what do you call it here we go under the skin get under the skin like Corona you know how to

bait sure you bait him a little I suppose so but anyways we start hiking and we're going up there and like right away there's like shortly into the hike they have like a rail you're gonna like use the whole fucking thing feels a little phony and it kept me like I can't do that I'm like I'm going I'll meet you at the bottom yeah and then I'm like I don't know you used to be old you would have done he's doing that whole thing and taunting I'm taunting a little bit I'm motivating so he's sweating like a maniac and he just keeps going and going and going this is a hell of a hike it's like you know hour and 45 minute hike and I

kept telling him like make sure you have three points of contact in the middle you tell he's getting up say he's like you like saying that don't and I was like well I'm just saying you just can't just walk up this thing it's dangerous sure so we keep going and every 20 minutes he's like all right I gotta stop here and I'm like okay I'm I gotta keep I'm gonna keep going yeah and I'm like you know you've kind of lost the title here you don't have any way and he's he's got illegal with him too he doesn't like you're agitating exactly he doesn't like that so of course he's like keeps coming and then finally after like we're

like three quarters of the way up he's like I really gotta stop here he's like this is freaking me out cuz where there's a ledge over here and I was like okay well that's a little embarrassing this close to the thing he's like I fucking hate you takes the next step and you're like yeah so it was really fun we keep going and then you kind of get to know people because you keep passing them and they take a break I kept slowing down for you know yeah yeah but eventually we get up there we summit this fucking thing and I'm like yeah I was there it feels good he comes up about 48 minutes later yeah covered in sweat but he made

it it's exciting and it feels good cuz you just you keep going you just like just keep going don't look it's like the journey of a thousand miles yeah you just take that next step you keep doing it so I was proud of them but then we were fucking idiots I didn't I forgot my backpacks we had no water I pre-hydrated yeah you're like flint no food no water no sunblock it's like a two and a half hour hike hold told a longer than that actually we get up there and there was a lovely gentleman named Keith Keith old guy he had all the gear he had the fanny pack the sticks the fucking floppy hat oh yeah you know he's a hiker sure and I

think Louis did this on purpose he had like a big plop down like kind of right next to him was like whoa oh my god and Keith is like how's your water supply and lose like we have none and he's like take this I got an extra cuz he had the camel back backpack yeah so he gives Louis an extra water he's like you got to squeeze that touch that so we hydrate and he had some kind bars gives him a few kind bars this guy's an angel yeah he was quite a guy and he gave us some advice or everything I mean I didn't need any I'm fine but sure gave some advice we spent about 10 seconds up there losing I get the fuck out of this is

too much for me wow so still felt good to summit and then you got to go all the way back down and back down is worse really tough on the knees and now you're kind of facing down now I'm nervous I was I was into it but now I'm scared well on the way up you're looking at rock yeah so you're just kind of doing this on the way down you're kind of going down like this you're looking you got to kind of face the rock a little bit like a ladder and it's a lot of loose it's not it's not an easy hike that you wear these kicks I had these kicks on okay I'd prefer to have the whole thing but you can do it geez I'm scared maybe I'll try

it's a quite a hike it's really because you're going there soon aren't you about a month yeah tempi you should go there and right around the corner from the trailhead is steak 44 it's gonna cost you about a hundo I'll reward myself with a nice piece of beef yeah you're gonna have the best meal of your life but so did camel back for the second time Louis did it proud of the little guy and not much of a story not really happened but that's great because he would have quit if it wasn't for you yeah he didn't even want to do it from the get-go wow so I was like I'll kill myself if we spend four days in Phoenix and don't go up

camel back I mean we're on a hiking trail here yeah now I got to do it yeah it's it's quite an adventure and it's a beautiful view up there you can see for miles and you really feel accomplished I love hiking more than any activity my oh it's something I mean I like the the view I like the open air but to me I'm just walking well because it's the earth you're on the earth you're massaging the earth's back and you're just going up and it's one step at a time you're using your body as a as a machine as a tool I never thought and you're feeling the sun and the breeze and the view and there's no phone there's no wires there's

no TV you're just going up there you're taking it down one step at a time to summit something feels really good yeah once you get to the top that's not I bet Louie was happy he did it after very happy he was like so grateful then we went straight to breakfast and had like the best breakfast ever were covered in sweat wow and just eggs and the whole thing and yeah you really earned it and then the waitress was nice she was like we were like oh we were here yesterday she's like I heard not a lot going on over there where in the in the Phoenix area well it's a it's a nice place to live there they always get

ranked like number one city to live or whatever and I can see it it's beautiful every day you got the mountains yeah but you've been there in the summer it's it's literally dangerous it's like 150 degrees we went we were there in the summer that's right there in August you gotta just stand in a pool there's misters everywhere and misses it's it's not for me I don't like the heat that was a fun time toes 10p 10p that was right after my wedding it was like a few days after my wedding oh is that right we had cigars yeah oh wow that's wild it was before my honeymoon we had some great walking talks yes walked over that bridge

smoking cigars good times that was really fun we got a cherish those because we're gonna be old and gay soon and we have all these journey memories that we don't even think about you know what I've been doing that really love gotta show you some I do a maybe put these on the patreon I do a video summary of the trip I take little things and I edit it together I put music to it and put that on the pay it's pretty good well some of them are like it's just me and my wife on a date night some of it's Louie I don't think he wants his mug out there so but they're fun to have the little keepsakes I do one of the cruise I'll

put the cruise one up I think put the cruise up because then you see him a year later you go oh wow look at that yeah we're fat yeah fat fat people well I think we really scraped something together here I think it's so we put it together with scotch tape and gum but it came out pretty good we cultivated are quite a program cultivated swallow plug it up we got a plug I don't even know what the fuck day this comes out I guess the 24th is it the 24th right now call in if it's the 24th yes I think it is this weekend is skankfest that's all so I hope we'll see you there we're gonna do a live pod and then we'll be in

Vegas next week hopefully Corona let's just keep all this shit I know we're gonna be together quite a bit coming up skankfest straight to Vegas I'll get her piece and then Melbourne comedy festival be down there in Melbourne I hope maybe I don't know what's happening with this thing and then who ha ha in Worcester April 17th and 18th moon tower April 23rd to the 25th Royal Oak Michigan April 30th and May 1st and 2nd the Uncle Dale benefit I'll get a better link up for that thing May 9th in Quincy and then Salt Lake City wise guys we doing some hiking out there May

22nd and 23rd Toronto is May 30th there was a mistake on their behalf or whatever their part they told me May 29th that's why I was plugging it May 30th tickets are already selling pretty good for that so get your tickets early for May 30th in Toronto San Francisco punchline June 10th through the 13th and Portland Maine June 27th and 28th and then there's a bunch more dates I'm coming back to Tampa in July and that's it for now you check out mindful metal jacket and comedian Joe list dot com at Joe list comedy for all that bullshit yeah baby all right I'll be at Vegas with you skanks with you stress factory in New

Jersey New Brunswick come on up to that Jersey folks Brea California right outside LA please come out to that Los Angeles make the drive it's a hell of a room see it moon tower if that doesn't get canceled Des Moines funny bone baby that's a fun room fun people over there Chicago's selling out Calgary Alberta hello come on down for that sorry a tempi just talked about the camel hack and good nights in Raleigh Philadelphia we got a Soho Theater in London Grand Rapids Michigan and Miami improv back at Acme in Minneapolis so yeah come on out to that check out the patreon get a shirt live laugh queef and the old stuff is on

merch pump dot com those are going like hotcakes and look I just want to say this before we wrap up stick it in my ass me and this cat right here we tape specials we don't know if anybody's gonna buy it maybe call in with some ideas I'm thinking about just putting it out on my website like a like a CK move sans jerk and just seeing what happens with you would you buy it for I don't know six bucks who knows six seven I think prices have gone up by the way 10 10 something yeah we'll tweet it you'll tweet it tell a friend spread the love and you will own the goddamn day a little cash in our pocket fuck these networks we're gonna

need you yes that's what we're saying and I've saw his it's killer minds okay come on out civil will sell give me some ideas I don't know what to do we're up against the wall I hate myself glory hole yeah we're about fucking 30 grand in the hole over here so if you can help us out maybe we do Venmo I don't know what the fuck maybe just put it out and say here's my Venmo if you want to contribute that's not bad little you know if you have it send it yeah yeah it's like the Met just put a little basket out and put what you can and yeah so we'll do it they're coming out though we got specials and albums coming out so yeah

so are we we're gay so yeah tell us what you think I don't know we need you we love you you're the family I don't know what the hell that means what am I all of garden all right well yeah thanks a lot praise Allah clip it up