Tuesdays with Stories! - #343 Mosey Mouse

Episode Date: March 31, 2020

Folks, we're rolling out yet another episode as Joe deals with a second mouse and a panicky lady at the grocery store while Mark tells us how he traversed the south during the start of Coronavirus. Check it out! Sponsored by: Magic Spoon Cereal (magicspoon.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesing the baby here we are I'm in a childhood bedroom you're in a living room we're really doing it folks

yeah who's whose childhood bedroom are you is that the maze the other girlfriends and we are we had weird couple bangs in here it's very awkward you know to do a quiet bang quiet sideways on the side just put it in and a little rabbit pumps you know a quiet I feel like a quiet bang is ideal for guys like us what do you mean well I don't want to be making stuff up dirty talking I don't know what I'm doing in there I got no confidence so if it's like you can't talk it feels better

that's a good point yeah I do a little ear whispering because when you're sideways you're spooning so you're right there so when you whisper it give me some examples give me some whisper examples I feel like you call that a pussy yeah you're fatter than usual you know grow up get your life together stuff like that and that works yeah yeah she likes the insults it's fun well I got a few for her that that that that just kidding well the she listen to me and I'll I'll throw them in any notes I'll take

you got it I'll just screenshot my text was Sam I'm just kidding yeah I feel like that's the kind of joke that people hear and then they think it's real Sam and I start up a whole feud yeah yeah and then I have to like show her my actual text with Sam and it's just his bits over and over again right right quiet bang is a great great horror movie good title yeah not bad

remember we won an award for best pod titles remember that we we did I think it was like Amy Hawthorne or somebody did one of those year-end reviews like the Bennington blog one of those blog bullshit and we got best podcast titles all right I agree with that although Shelby screwed the pooch a little with his uh he did pie two weeks in a row it was goo pie and then shepherds pie and

it was an apple pie and an American pie buckleberry beach um oh I didn't I missed it is there did Shelby fuck up you gotta tell me these things yeah it's no no biggie it was just a little kooky it was double pie two weeks I think Shelby's got a pie thing all right well he's got nice hair and he's very handsome that's what everyone keeps saying all the I went through some of the comments and every comment was how hot Shelby is

yeah yeah he's a handsome rodent frankly it hurt my feelings speaking of rodents I got another mouse and we can't fucking get him I'm doing a new system every day we don't get the mouse I'm getting two new traps oh I like it because they're like a buck and a half so I go next door

which I got a story about that in a second right now I got two I got eight traps in my house right now hmm do you go to a hardware store or CVS that's a bodega I crave it right next to your next door all right all right I like a hardware store I don't know why yeah I don't know if they're considered essential or not in New York you got like Pete's hardware store like out in the sticks there's only Home Depot

and your mother's cunt there's no Bob's tools or whatever I think there's a mom and pop out here right and there's some old guy with overalls and a white beard who's you know his dad owned one now he owns one his kids gay and it's upsetting him that's what I'm saying there's not there's a few here and there

but like Ace Hardware and Home Depot and Walmart because when you go to Walmart they got fucking back hose and rakes and Christmas trees so you don't need a hardware store you can buy nails at Walmart and guns good point good point but here we still Walmart's open oh yeah they're essential

essential oils hmm what is a non-essential oil I don't know well that time I was eating too much peanut butter and shitting out of oil that was non-essential that was bad oil bad oil oil spill oh it was a spill baby

I should put that on the patreon my oil shits please might be interested in people yeah some people might un-join after that I think I got allergies I don't know if I have corona but my eye is sticking together you give the sticky eye I've got a sticky eye you're alright

yeah I think it's uh I got a real eye stick I can't un-glue it it's like a mousetrap yeah that hair is banana you got some bed and you look like a hostage now this is post shower didn't didn't cull anything oh okay okay I was getting more nervous I thought you were losing it I'm thinking about shaving it all off I don't know what to do with it

ooh I like it shake it out fatty yeah it's kinda hot but anyway so I go to I crave it listen to this one so everyone's acting kooky as you know it's kooky times oh yeah I mean you're in a bed with fucking bars and bird pictures for God's sakes yeah yeah it's like a B&B over here it's very off put it

you look like you're at the Bates motel with the birds oh tell me about it don't get me started on the uh the dad and the uh the uh bathrobe oh boy bad news dinner every night at the table dinner with a bathrobe oh boy oh

he's a judge it's the judge robe it comes a judge um but I like that headboard because you could tire up with some shoelaces there that's true that's like a classic time up headboard oh yeah did you watch uh what's that documentary with the kid who loves basic instinct

and he kills everybody he's a serial killer oh yeah that one was good good that was cats that was you don't fuck with cats yes that was it I just watched it it was wild that kid he's crossing his legs and smoking cigarettes thinking he was uh sharing stone yeah that was unbelievable I keep trying

and I've talked about this before I am on a quest to find anything as good as the jinx the jinx is still number one and it's not close but Tiger King is pretty great great I thought like after the first half hour I was like this could be it this could be the jinx level

but I thought it was better than the jinx oh you got crazy tits in your bra come on the jinx is uh it's slow it's one note the Tiger King's up here it's down there it's it's got everything it's got scandal it's got the visuals it's got the gay the crazy you're crazy Tiger King is one note to me

it's seven hours seven hours of like after a while I was like okay I get it and it's depressing it gets depressing you're like ah this is depressing I get it Jeff Lynn comes in he changes everything or whatever his name was yeah I mean it's great don't get me wrong it's great the jinx happens in real time

they catch him because of the documentary on the documentary sure that's a nice twist and it's for sure murder he murdered these three people here's how he did it they go through the music is amazing his fucking mother jumps off a building

and kills herself his dad goes and gets him to make him watch the mother kill herself the music intro is amazing it's only five episodes I mean he literally gets caught on the show it's unbelievable yes I'm hard

jiraki jiraki jiraki some of the worst facial hair ever oh brutal I think he directed a bumping mics oh is that right I believe he did I saw him at the cellar wow that's not nearly as good as the jinx

the stinks is what I call that one they also but there was some killing alright that was great but there's a new HBO HBO is the best shit there's a new HBO one coming out about all these missing black kids called

I don't know missing black kids or something who misses them alright but I did hear that uh there's actually a lot of black serial killers but they don't get they don't get any press because when black people die nobody writes about it

hmm yeah I can see that it's uh yeah there's some issues there you know because you always hear how whitey all the serial killers are white but apparently there's a couple black ones they do it better than us

well they chalk it up to uh black on black crime I guess it gets lost in those numbers the gang violence I suppose right and you know if you're a black guy who's missing just smile alright had to do it but there's got to be more white serial killers than black

right I mean just well I think there's more white everything yeah per capita but right the jinx is the greatest tiger belly or tiger king is great don't get me wrong it's great but didn't you find by episode six I was like ah okay I

guess but it kept twisting and the guy went to Florida to kill the lady you know the bald guy who was scary as hell then you find out those guys weren't actually gay that was insane yeah that was but I kind of felt that one coming the second kid was not gay at all yeah yeah he's not gay

I I yeah I guess you're right I just assumed like this this tiger king is so sexy that everybody wants him it's pretty gay though it's one of those things where he's like I'm not gay but you're like alright but you are blowing the tiger boy yeah well how about the the guy with the ponytail

and the weird eyes that guy had like eight wives oh yeah polygamists yes I like the one guy with no legs he was real normal he just seemed like a regular guy he seemed like I like him yeah he was he was a poor hillbilly saw his apartment

it was a bummer and he's like I got these cool legs which is always sad because you're like actually that's pretty horrific but we'll let you call him cool I was hoping for more actual tiger attacks that's what I was hoping for then there's the trainee that got her arm bit off that was

something right right and she stuck with him how convincing is this guy yeah that was pretty good it's pretty good he's charming we gave away a lot here I'm not saying it's not bad I'm saying it's amazing I'm saying the jinx is better jinx is better because he's got the big gimmick at the end

with the with the with the reveal oh that's no gimmick that's a gem that first episode I mean when he's dressed up he's like a cross-dress they got the surveillance anything with surveillance I just love love surveillance the jinx is the great accomplishment in television history it's

Seinfeld and the jinx to me those are the two best things ever made for TV and I watched Eight Minutes of the Wire it stinks yeah you hate the wire you hate Sopranos all you know critically acclaimed I gave him a good six minutes each

alright these two they're like novels it's like a warm bath you got a jizz in it you got a sit in it and drink the jizz so let me tell you about speaking the novels so I got the mouse the mouse is running around and it's a brazen mouse yeah he's just on the open air

he's walking around he's wearing high heels he's got fucking eyeshadow on he's just chilling right in front of us wow it's a trans mouse there's no scurry it's just a what's the opposite of scurry strut

okay strut he's strutting strutting it's a stroll a strut yeah a brisk not even brisk a mosey he's moseying he's a mosey mouse mosey mouse he's moseying right around and usually they hug the wall and the corners

he's out in the open floor over here wow man I caught him sunbathing on the windowsill this fucking cunt mouse is he big or is he a little mini cunt no he's little he could fit right in my asshole I keep putting cheese in there but nothing

yeah yeah you gotta smooth out though you gotta gape a little more I'm trying to gape but I don't like putting things in there I hear ya I think you gotta jam things in to get it to gape oh really

yeah I guess you're right like a parking cone or a fire hydrant something with some with or a cock that's popular sure it sounds seems like it would sting a little bit hey to each his anal I don't know what these kids are doing these days well you heard the old wives tale about

the dick splitting open in the asshole I have and I've felt that pain before with the uber driver I railed in 88 oh right oh sorry I was just doing a wheelie sorry yeah I pushed through

and it didn't tear but I felt I felt something yeah well we've talked about it before how you get the IUD scrape when you get deep in there cause the ladies like it deep so I'm going as deep as I can but I get like poked with a wire same same bad show apparently

but it does feel good flattering wise you're like hey I reached it yeah you got the yeah like no one else could get further in there right right yeah good point I'm always thinking about you know Shaquille O'Neal or Leonard oud

someone that could really blast off you know yeah yeah I think for the same I think about that to get hard alright so what happened with mozi so mozi mouse I'm trying to fucking get them but every time I don't get them I go I get new traps I'm gonna go to the bodega

I got two more traps and Sarah's freaking out cause we got black strippy glue traps all over the house but I don't give a fuck I want them out of the house for god sakes yeah get them get them on those traps and get them out of there but yeah you're gonna have like 38 traps in your home you're gonna be

tap dancing and playing hopscotch well I'm happy to do it because I got nothing else to do here but I went to the bodega right next door and you know it's all this six feet you gotta stay separate everybody's on edge and there's a girl young indian gal probably early 20s

she's just standing in one of the aisles talking on the phone just hanging out chatting not shopping not looking for anything which it's a tiny bodega anyways so I stay at the end of the aisle and I'm like I gotta go down there to get the mouse business and I just look at her for a second

and I'm like alright I'm gonna go walk by or squeeze by because it keeps saying six feet but they also say it has to be extended period of time like just walk and pass somebody you're not gonna just get herpes good point good point yeah

so she's standing there so I'm like alright I'm gonna go walk past her and then as I start walking she goes like makes a face and starts walking away like looking back over her shoulder like he's coming to get me what are you doing like I was chasing and so then she gets to the end of it

I keep walking because I haven't reached the mouse trap area then she walks down like this different aisle and I'm still behind her and she's still walking looking over her shoulder like I'm fucking stalking her and so I went weird I'm not chasing you it's a store and she's like and you can hear on the phone

she's like there's some guy trying to walk behind me and I'm like I'm just trying to get a fucking mouse trap because I got rodents in my house yeah and you're hogging up the whole aisle cus well don't talk on the phone those days are over of talking on the phone it's CVS and the bodega you go in you get your shit you get out

quickly these are trying times and you could get the corona you're gonna stay outside on a conference call just suck it in air and the aisle is shoulder width so you can't be in there right squeeze is in Manhattan or New York

yeah so I got in line and I look over and she's on that side of the line she's still doing a head shake and I just wanted to fight I'm on edge I'm filled with anger and rage I think that's a thing ladies don't realize is as a

we try to be nice dudes and like if I see a woman and it's just me and her on the sidewalk at night I'll try to give her a sign like hey hey not gonna rape you here a decent guy can't get it up don't worry and you know I try to let them know that I know that they're nervous yes

but here's the weird thing is I had one of those the other day where this lady was coming right towards me on the sidewalk and it was kind of late and I was like alright I'm gonna give her a little bit of a let her know I'm safe and then she started kind of yelling at me and I wanted to be like hey how do you know I'm not gonna rape you

right you know like it flipped on me at first I was like I'm gonna let her know then she wouldn't stop talking and I was like well how do you know I could just kill you yeah and it's like you could be a rapist who wasn't gonna rape and now you've sparked your rape interest good point you see your rape spark

a rape spark yes spark it's a fire how'd that go you can't start a fire without a spark out of rape spark yeah there you go you can't rape a sparky without a spark

do you think we could probably get away with more in these times now not I don't mean rape I mean like talking about rape oh yeah I think everything's cooled down a little you can say gook again and all that well because you got all the business happening in the in the world in the way it's being handled

I feel like us we come out here and you know say the n-word if we wanted and no one would even think twice that's true you could say it to a person of color and he might come up to you and you go hey six feet and he goes oh shit you're right yeah exactly so but he might

put you six feet under there you go that counts that's HBO baby the best always the best they have real integrity HBO they don't want to put out good stuff and uh

you know we're not Netflix we don't have a grab bag of shit they have to sift through it's all quality yeah when you see any documentary that has the HBO HBO documentary comes across I'm like this is gonna be good Netflix has got some garbage

do they have garbage with the Netflix doc you need someone to tell you it's amazing don't you feel that way totally I never watch a good Netflix doc no naked you gotta have a condom there's a documentary I'll watch this I need someone to go this is unbelievable

you gotta check this out yeah and Netflix they stretch that shit like making a murderer could have been 20 minutes that's how I feel sorry sorry so we got this retard out here and we gotta learn about his asshole then about his cousin then about his teacher then about his doctor and his urologist

like we got it that's how I felt about tiger business he could have shaved a little bit I know but he's so captivating he's gay he's got a gun remember that scene where the tiger sniffed his shoe and he kept shooting at it yeah that was fun that was fun well I wouldn't have cut that obviously

I would have put that in the beginning yeah that was gold that was good stuff in some ways he reminds me of Tom Dustin a little bit oh I can see that he's not Tom's not gay and Tom's not a piece of shit but he's very everybody's drawn

to him he's very entertaining he's kind of little he's weird he's crazy he's funny yeah he's blonde he's always got an idea going he's got something cooking he's putting things together yeah I can see it the smoking I mean Tom wouldn't hire someone to kill somebody else

and he's not gay I heard that he's not actually a country singer that's somebody else singing I could see that because the voice is pretty good I listen to songs like this doesn't have bad for a gay lion tamer that's what we said right away we're like this is pretty good actually

that's what I said I think it's not him I think he's I love his outfits I love the hair I love that Thanksgiving episode where he's wearing like a green glitter thing it was too good that's what reminded me of Tom it felt like a Tom thing

everyone come over my house I've been cooking all day he's slopping food on there he's having a great time right I feel bad for the folks who haven't seen this show but I mean I feel like we've seen I've watched all of YouTube already I've seen it all you know what we'll do we'll tweet out everybody

Shelby can we tweet out hey this is a spoiler everybody watch Tiger King before the show because this is going to have to be our program now this is it folks we're indoors and we're talking TV alright so you got some stuff what have you been up to because you've actually traveled and shit well I want to we never

we've had so many in the can and I haven't seen yet we had the world ended so I got to go back to the last gig I did on the road hit me with it stick it up my ass alright so I'm going to laughing school in Atlanta it's a Thursday to Sunday it's a real haul but this guy

this kid hit me up and he goes hey how much to get you to come I see you're coming to Atlanta come to Augusta for one night only do a one nighter at this black box we'll give you a couple bucks I said great talk to my agent we set it all up I fly into Augusta no I fly in

South Carolina what's the one close to Georgia Savannah no no no it's a state oh South Carolina Alabama yeah I fly in somewhere in South Carolina tiny airport and you drive to August it's one hour or two hours

it's great so I fly in I get the rental car and Corona's still it's in the air but it's not the intensity it is now what it felt like exactly so

I get to Atlanta and I go I got to get a rental car and nobody's on the road really because it's still kind of corony but not that much so the guy goes you know what you got a compact we'll upgrade you and we'll give you a BMW and I was like what and you know I love a good beamer and I got in this thing it was beautiful

it was like a BMW M5 I don't know I had the sunroof open it was red leather seats banana serious radio it was unreal quite the upgrade so now I'm high telling all around on the beamer I'm having a great time love a beamer

and I get to this kid's show it's unbelievable I forgot the kid's name I feel bad but it was in this beautiful theater it's like an old school porn theater that they turned into an improv sketch troop thing oh that's fun they all know each other there's like a little scene in the town

and this kid is such a twos gay he set up the whole green room with catered Chipotle wow unbelievable he had a bucket of beers he had whiskey and tequila and he had a TV in there he had the Miles Davis documentary

going this kid set it all up he was so happy to see me he's a huge twos gay it was amazing by the way watch that Miles Davis doc not a great guy no no no he was a bit of a douche really like to beat the women there

yeah yeah a lot of these women beating guys are talented yes very talented I think in the back of the day everyone was beating their wives so you had talented untalented by the by sheer numbers you're going to have a lot of talented people hitting their wives ah good point good point it's a litmus

test what a paradise that must have been right just hit your wife yeah it was fine yeah you know it's crazy thing I've been a lot of presidents back in the day hit their wives oh fuck yeah oh yeah she was the first lady to get hit

I'm going to hit you bigly huge hit so this gig it sold out this is like the hottest crowd of all time a couple local guys go on and I do this one the guy goes because he was so scared of my agent my agent's a real pit bull Jew cunt

so he was like I'll do two minutes I'll bring up him he'll do five and then my other friend I'll do five and we'll bring you up we're sorry we don't want to take up too much time I go do ten have him do ten have him do ten they do through half hour and they were like what so they got to do a bunch of time the crowd is hot hot

killer crowd I go up have a hot one and it's I just hang out at the show after everybody's shaking hands it sells some merch and it's a community of artists you know that feeling where it's like everybody there he's a sketch guy he's a director he's a photographer and they all hang out

it was like Paris in the 20s oh I like that beautiful beautiful so I smoke some weed with them because I know I don't want to get too drunk because I gotta I gotta drive three hours the next day whatever the hell it is so I get high as hell and you know me I'm not a good high guy

so I go alright I'm back in the hotel let me pack let me pack now so you know me I take finasteride for my hair finasteride it's uh what do you call it it's the knockoff version of what's that stuff cover your head

what is it? propitia yes propitia my first black girlfriend so I take the finasteride and I go I don't want to lose this but I gotta take it in the morning so I put it on my sunglasses and I'm high out of my mind

I had a couple beers so I go alright I'll take that in the morning put my sunglasses on and drive out to Atlanta so what's that I said shady ah good sunglasses I don't know I'm trying

I wake up, pop the pill, throw the shades on I uh I get a text from my agent maybe you should come back and I'm like ah screw it we're sold out in Atlanta we're going it's a tiny room with 80 seats I'm getting tweets all day I can't wait to see you in Atlanta it's gonna be awesome laughing skull can't wait I'm gay

I'm like here we go baby so my my my agent goes just hang out in this hotel for a second let's talk about this and I'm like alright so I go sit by the pool I put my shirt off I got a coffee it's nice and uh you know

the news is coming in like flights are being cancelled the world is dying I'm gay Cuomo's a weirdo so I'm like ah this is weird so I notice I start feeling jittery I'm like well why am I getting nervous am I having an anxiety attack

I took an Adderall I thought I was I got 18 different drugs in my little pill bottle there and Valium and Xanax and Adderall and uh an asteroid I took an Adderall because I was so high oh my god a pill was a pill I just threw it on the sunglasses

so now I'm on the moon I'm just soaring I'm so jacked up I'm it's like I'm on meth I've always wanted to try that yeah maybe just ever since I saw that guy blowing Joe Exotic I'm like maybe I'll take that

for a spin yeah it seems like fun or the blowing either one how much do you have to be down and out to go I'll marry this guy and I'm not gay yeah that's what's weird is it's one thing to hook up with them because I would do that for fun

but to marry the guy yes and you know the whole time on the altar you're wearing a pink shirt you got a bandana around your neck you're like what the hell am I doing I guess I mean that shows you the strength of meth more than anything I've ever heard of like that so that should be

a anti-methad right right yeah yeah so yeah so now I'm riled up on Adderall and I go I guess we're going to cancel the shows so the shows all get canceled I go to the airport

and I wait at the airport for about you know five hours and fly back to New York I land at midnight and uh I get a bunch of wine and this one gets really crazy I think I've talked about this before so a couple nights go by

I'm quarantined up with the lady in my shoebox in the west village we go let's get some wine we go to the wine store and this is when things are crazy the city's kind of dead it's late at night we go to the wine store I start chatting with the old guy guy runs in I think I've told this before

takes a bottle smashes it and go stabs a guy oh yeah well you told this on the patreon not the real people the rest of the people the majority of people haven't heard this oh alright well here we go yeah so backtrack a little bit there that was like a weird tease

so there's a wine store on 7th avenue it's kind of a classy joint's been there for 600 years there's an old white guy with glasses and white hair behind the counter and I go how crazy is this he goes ah I've never seen anything like it I've been here 50 years I'm gay and I go yeah yeah and we're just chatting which we would have never done

without a pandemic by the way and this guy runs in covered in blood he's wearing a black trench coat black shirt black goatee black long hair takes a wine bottle off the rack and we both we all just turn how about that and he runs in

runs out smashes it on the side of the building on the brick and just goes after a guy and we're like what the fuck was that and like 18 cops pull up and block the street they got guys running around like he went that way it was crazy

that is fucking insane and he went and stabbed somebody so he got stabbed at the five guys on bleaker and he needed a weapon so he improvised pretty good improv not bad got a bottle smashed it and went after him

I would have shot the cork it I would have got a champagne and shot him with a cork that's not bad those things fly baby yeah then right when he gets hit with the cork it's like a new ship one of those openers they have the screw

I always when I see those wine openers I always hold it with the cork sticking out between my two middle fingers and think like you could really kill someone with that oh get them right in the neck yeah exactly the artery yes

whatever the fuck it is clot I don't know so what's that oh I was just gonna say we got some ads speaking of which and thank god we do because this and the patreons are only fucking income these days

I know who knows where we'd be without old fanny how painful by the way each day I get an email from my agent being like hey Cambridge is cancelled Worcester is cancelled Toronto is cancelled the father doesn't like you yep

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trying times these times are trying aren't they they're really trying they're not succeeding but they're trying they're trying to kill us i mean i'm having a hard time over here oh yeah tweeting you got a tweet we made a bunch of videos that i'm happy with

which is really fun it's funny everyone's like keep saying like oh thanks for all the content we appreciate but i'm like i'm not even making it for people i'm making it because i'm losing my mind when you work on a video at least for a half hour an hour you feel like you're in that moment totally totally and then you put it out

and it feels good to get all the response and it's just nice to accomplish something for Christ's sakes well i was saying yesterday right now in these times doing podcasts and stuff it feels like performing for the troops everybody's so grateful that's a great point

i keep getting all these tweets and emails and messages from people saying oh my god we appreciate this and thanks for the break and thanks for putting stuff out it's overwhelming the kindness and all these people are joining the patreon which we're adding a way more shit is on the patreon now god love you a lot of people have emailed say we upped our

our money our contribution our price and you're our only income at this point and shelby i assume is homeless at this point so oh yeah he's under a bridge blowing a carpet bagger so he's got

he's getting a nice chunk of that too so keep coming in and join the patreon if you haven't already i understand a lot of you guys have lost your jobs also so don't join if you lost your job yeah they said uh spike in unemployment i tried to get on i'm not gonna lie to you they said you know why we couldn't get on

they said we just made too much in podcasting yeah i just thought uh when you were saying that i was like i don't think we're gonna get it we're doing pretty well yeah i thought i could sneak around and when i went through my money guy and he was like nah it's too shady you'll get popped

i'm like who's gonna pop me they're all dead they're all uh in the homes yeah it's stuff but they just did a some stimulus package and i don't know if we could hit with that either we're small businesses technically i don't know how it all works because we are incorporated i got a stimulus what is the stimulus package i mean aside from the greatest

porn ever what is it like uh they give you money they give the the government money they give the had medicare what is that the government sends out money they sent out two trillion but half the millions and billions of it's going to corporations and the airlines so it's like a corporate

bailout but then everyone gets a thousand bucks or something like that which i tweeted i'm like i a thousand dollars that that's gonna help for like two weeks i know i know and whoever's making the ventilators is cleaning up he's he's gotta be feeling pretty good yeah it's all cuckoo

and crazy but they're they're spending two trillion why not take one trillion and divide it to everybody throw everyone some cash wait so that's what they were doing some more cash a thousand times a hundred million people is uh you know

i see less than two trillion could we just wipe the whole slate clean like no one has any debt we won't owe anybody anything we don't know china shit they started it so we shouldn't owe them any money can we just wipe it all clean and just when this goes away we'll just go yeah we'll

start from zero yeah i don't think that's how capitalism works but but money is made up yeah it's a little confusing it's a little tricky it's weird i don't understand it if they can just pull two trillion i guess they can go and just make more cash i don't know what the hell is going on exactly

it's all very confusing and i think a couple of nerds understand it mostly the jews but i don't get it but i i don't know i never will yeah the whole thing seems uh fishy to me but um but i've seen a lot of hate towards like landlords and shit like we shouldn't

have to pay rent we should just rent no rent because but i'm like well what about the people some of the people own a bill like my landlord great guy he's a florist and he saved up enough money to buy one building there's four units yeah so this is his income he

fucking bought all the thing and he's gonna pay to you know keep it up keep it if not let's pay rent he'd be starving and then people hate him because he's rich but he won't have to pay rent right no it's his building he's got to pay

taxes maybe they lift the taxes on it i think they lift the taxes but still hope he must he has rented his home he doesn't live here uh-huh he's got a house rent his rent is free too but he owes the but he's got a floral shop so i guess everyone's

rent he's someone's got to be paying somebody uh yeah i guess i mean who needs flowers at a time like this though i guess if he didn't have to pay rent at his flower shop that's the point no one needs flowers he's gonna be out of business that's true the flowers are gonna wilt if he loses his business and we're not paying rent

where the fuck does he go he has to be homeless just because he is successful enough to own a building that dog i agree i think it's kooky i'm with you fatty but i'm saying if you don't pay rent he shouldn't pay rent then then everybody's square i guess so but then you really got ours

i mean then you really got a whole that then the whole economy is a disaster well i think that's the the name of the game here i think that's why trump is quiffing on his pants because he's like we got to start up by easter yeah what are you fucking nuts well he's

quiffing because that's all he had going when we can't talk politics but that's all he had going with the economy so if that goes right at it but but forget it we're running a fucking 80 year old retard biden he he can't even get a sentence out this guy it's embarrassing i can't even believe it

it's like he's on a Tylenol P of this guy he's all loopy his senses don't make sense he's old he's gay he's got white hair he's touching girls it's shocking and he how is he going to debate it's like it's so funny he's on a show sorry we'll move off politics in a second but i'm watching

him with nicole wallace who's handed him softballs and like rooting for him she's smiling me like come on buddy he's in the basement of his own home he's in his own house talking to a computer going well but oh fuck i don't know and i'm like how are you gonna do a debate in front of a million

people with a big fat orange bully giving you shit right yeah he's he's out to lunch you don't know what he's doing i just want to feed him i want to hand him a spoon applesauce and go hey it's gonna be all right we'll put on matlock you fucking geezer horrible horrible candidate we literally i will move off politics

so nobody blows me but i'm shitting on biden so you can all rejoice you fucking losers but the fact we're gonna have two elderly mentally ill people debating to be president yes i mean not even a joke the bernie

no trump i mean biden's are bernie's fucking he's already he's that can he's not he has no chance at this point i see so you're gonna have two actually fucking dysfunctionally mentally dysfunctional 70 year old guys being

like no i should be the leader it's bat shit crazy i'd rather have it's crazy yes well it's good entertainment we get to watch these uh geriatrics are go over a bridge game in a home basically what about michael keaton i like michael keaton how about him

he could be president he was batman he's got great eyebrows bird man he was bird man and batman pretty good i hope it didn't eat a bat that's a lot of men that's a lot of men bye men and yeah yeah he's fun i like i like

yang i like a lot of people yeah caprio well hey that could be a good ticket michael keaton bats and yang asians that's the corona ticket ah he'll get everybody asian bat there you go jackie brown uh jack frost a lot of

jacks how crazy i've had a lot of jacks over here how crazy that some asshole ate a fucking bat and now you're in a childhood bedroom and i'm in my mother's tits is that real? is that definitely what it is? yeah he ate a bat and he puked on his mother

and then it just went crazy wow puked on his mom that's traumatizing i don't know because he got the AIDS monkey you got the uh the sars fish you got the H swine flu that's all animals you gotta stuff fuck with animals

that's the thing i think is the animals and they have their own viruses it's an animal virus that's why everyone keeps fucking their system goes batshit hey no pun intended hey look at that there you go yeah that's why we need joe king or joe the tiger king joe exotic

cause i feel like he could eat a bat for lunch and go back to work we're joking joking uh anyways what else is going on what was the trip to sandwich like or the trip back from atlanta or anything maybe we should go old school stories

i got some old shit let me just say i'm nervous about going back to the city i'm scared i'm going to drop the car off at newark and a bunch of guys with tiki torches are going to go get out of here you fucking bean town weirdo don't bring your shit here i'm like no no i'm from here well i guess they're cracking down on the opposite

people from new york go into Rhode Island and connecticut and shit they're getting pissed off about that that makes sense because it's the epicenter going to the non-epa yeah i think that's people's concern is that we're going to end up having the national guard shooting you if you try to go to your neighbors house or something

oh boy that sounds scary but i'm for it dude again this is going to be political i'm going to catch all kinds of shit on twitter i'm for big government i think this should be a fucking uh an army guy outside every single door going alright let's take your temperature stick a thermometer in your ass and see your tongue

because we can't have you spreading around you fuckhead i'm with you but this is this is new for you you're you're always they uh feel good let me go to a concert get out of my face guy now you're all big gov no i'm a i'm a democrat we're big gov

all the way baby oh is that right big gov sounds conservative e to me no that's the opposite ah conservatives a small gov they go let with no epa no taxes fuck you taxes fuck your environmental protection i'm saying

environmental protect baby protect everything i'm learning but here's the thing i see the libertarians they're the ones they want no government that's most of our listeners i feel like they want no government but you see what happens with no government everyone goes hey it would be really helpful if you stayed in your house because it would help prevent the spread of the disease

and you got forty eight thousand fucking idiots on the beach fucking each other in the ass and then flying back to their towns that's no government i see it's almost like the oh go ahead government feels like parents they feel like your parents where you go ah my parents suck i hate

them get away from me dad you fucking nerd and then the car breaks down you need somebody to pay for it exactly this all happening everyone goes where's my stimulus package you go oh it doesn't seem so crazy now you have fucks exactly but said well i'm gonna

i mean my twitter feed is gonna be destroyed after this episode we better get back to fucking our grandmother's in the ass well if people can't handle a couple of political opinions just so the world's ending the cities on fire get over it but we got bigger fish to jizz on i said this before i got shit

well i want big government i want people in the subway going you're not walking on the left side to the steps three hundred dollar ticket wow you're going the wrong direction you gotta be over there asshole and if you get a second offense they cut your dick off and feed it to the lions

hey now that i'd watch holding the doors open the people holding the doors open on the subway for their friend shot right in the forehead well we've done that before well we should have been shot alright i'll take a funny shot in the face

the nice thing is if we make the rules the people making the rules don't have to live by them that's the wonderful thing about america yeah that's true that must be nice they got all these tax breaks and all this shit yeah but we better move back into something where we're experts in anal

juice queefs so yeah i'm just nervous i won't be able to get back in and then i'm nervous once i get in the city i'm gonna go this was a huge mistake i gotta get the hell out of here now we'll be alright i watched a video on um john crack hour the writer he posted a video that was really helpful

it was a doctor talking and it was he gave me hope he was a new york city surgeon or doctor or something and he's like the disease you can you can prevent getting it he said be a hand Nazi aha he said when you go out

just wash your hands use hand sanitizer keep washing your hands do the six feet away because most people you're getting it from being like uh extended period of time next to somebody with somebody indoors particularly

and then you know it goes from your hands to your face into your eyes or nose or mouth because you're touching your face all the time aha so just don't touch your face and wash your fucking hands and stay away from people alright well there you go i don't know where Nazi comes in there seems weirdly hateful

but i get it he said it a bunch too he had a swastika tattooed on his cheek so alright well now i really want to watch this video i like the guy now but yeah alright alright well it's funny how you notice you touch your face more

before i was picking my nose i was eating my boogers i was rubbing my eyes and doing the ear thing and now every time you do it you think about it oh yeah i mean i do it constantly i was watching my special i'm touching my face every nine seconds oh yeah there's a lot of this you know chin rub a lot of that

yeah it's tough can you remember let me ask you this can you remember the fifth woman you had sex with wow i don't think i can it gets blurry after two the first was the old lady in the french quarter

second was uh think my girlfriend and then who knows from there it's a wild list of pigs or a list of wild pigs either way you can put wild anywhere in that sentence a wild list of pigs a list of wild pigs

sure sure but they were boars what about a list of wild oh wait a wild pigs list i thought it was going to be something with my name we got you in there so i was just going to say it's a wild list pig how about you you remember number five

no i don't know why i was just trying to uh it probably might have been one of those kind of deals i'm just trying to think yeah i guess i can't remember number two actually come on who was he um boy i don't know i'm sure it was a heavyweight though

i went into the heavyweight division for a long time same same i was i was a welter and i was i was punching way over my age gap or pay grade whatever you call it well people well there was a gap all right people thought i was in i tried to do a bit

about this but it's so mean people thought i was into fat girls they're like oh this loves to use the chubby chase but i'm like no that's just that's how i see myself of like who i could get that's hilarious yeah people thought i was into retards and handicap and the indigent

i was sticking a broom and a wheelchair spoke whatever i had to do uh i'm good at picking girls up after they fall out of their wheelchair is that something that's not bad you hear that howie mandela the great zinger which i've never said in my life he said uh

boy i watched my wife stare through the window pain longingly just wishing wishing with a tear rolling down her cheek it crushed me inside it hurt me so bad i almost let her in ah that's fun that's fun i like that

yeah i mean that bald germaphobe's never done anything funny before no i wonder what we would have thought if we were around them when he was blowing the glove up off his head yeah pew yeah he was canadian he had a jerry curl get out of here i think that was a jew curl

man maybe well jerry is a very jewish name jerry siller jerry sidefell jerry the mouse a lot of jerrys yeah geriatric

this is the show now folks you want to plug any dates you're not doing i got nothing to plug um god i don't know the album my albums go listen to our albums stream our albums good call i got a shitty one called so far no good and uh

i decided i think my first album stinks but i think that's actually a clever way to plug an album because the more you say it sucks people are like well i gotta hear this if it sucks it's a good point so i think i'm gonna really embrace the suck i like it and you've gotten so much

better that you get to hear you guy like a killer season comic be green is fun yeah it's like born suspect the chris rock album yes i love that album great album great album cover um yeah but yeah go stream our albums

because it helps get us paid i think so or buy our albums would be even better so far no good is shitty are you mad at me is really good and the new ones coming out soon i saw the first cut of my special i'm really happy about it nice alright i can't wait to watch it

or rewatch it i should say and i can't wait just be driving down to the highway again and hear that puppy pop up on the serious xm yeah be excited you gotta there's a big thank you in there for you buddy we um you gotta thank you in all all three albums so

is that right three oh yeah wow the last one i wrote a little right up but no one ever saw it because it's on this digital oh wow i'm honored maybe i'll go look that up i got all the time in the anal yeah i'll go maybe i'll post another patreon thank you's post it that's all but put the

shits up there and the thank you's yeah join the patreon that's the best thing you could do for us if you want to help the show help us or buy something for the sponsor if you haven't lost your job help us out yeah yeah please and uh throw us a bone send us a gift we'll take a gift

uber card or some people have been venmoing us by the way i saw that that is the sweetest thing i appreciate i hate to ask for money but uh we're all tight and uh everybody's pinching the pennies and counting the nickels but uh yeah hopefully we get out of

this uh i talked to shilts he thinks we'll be done by may by may yeah yeah he's wrong he's very optimistic i mean they're saying in new york it's gonna peak mid april oh boy that's the peak

which is think about how bad it is now and how crazy it is here now yeah yeah but there's been some promising signs i mean i've been going for a walk every day i'm not but i'm staying in new york i'm going i'll go down with the ship if i have to yeah but i'm thinking about going to new york and

maybe getting like a toms river house oh toms river they're being anal um yeah that'd be nice but they don't want you traveling around because you could fucking stick sars up their ass i know but it's uh you know you get uh you get a rental car you go straight

there you don't talk to anybody you sit in the house and you come home that's not bad wash the hands wash the hands hit the beach get sunny out there folks uh what do you want to plug uh well our specials are coming out at some point within them within a couple

weeks i'd say well at least on my special i hope we'll be out hell yeah i don't know about your timeline and uh yeah get our albums check out the old patreon that's our killer we got the live apps all on patreon get a shirt get a live laugh queef get an old vintage

twos gay those are killer and uh i got some shirts on my site and yeah i think we've all have you been doing some pods with other people uh no i did the comedy seller podcast and that's it so far

all right all right i think i got one coming out next week with r i did one with arry before he had a meltdown uh oh go ahead he got the hell out of here he went to main or what do you go to maryland maryland yeah he freaked out a little bit

yeah but uh i got my own podcast mindful metal jacket i'm still doing that one so we're doing that over the phone it's all this shit's over the phone it's so hard to fully connect because you're talking i'm talking i'm trying there's a delay on the camera it's difficult it's tough folks uh i'm pantsless so i guess that's it

praise Allah and wash your hands and go gay be nice and queef it up yeah take care of each other we'll get through it yes it'll be nice whatever you know you stay in you hang out stop eating you fat fuck this will be what our uh generation will be known for probably yeah this is our thing and we had

9-11 we got both pretty dark days yeah it's tough we'll be fine thanks for listening we appreciate it join the patreon if you can and uh god bless all you that are on the patreon for god's sake so really appreciate it good lord god love you praise anal and

chew yourself out of an asshole yeah black