Tuesdays with Stories! - #344 Pico Cough

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

We're still here folks as Mark see's some bum fights and get's a flat tire while Joe keeps fighting his apartment mouse before telling a tragic tale from his childhood. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody we're back we're live well we're alive we're not live we're I can hear you dame in the background there oh sorry that's the brakes we got a third Mike yeah yeah co-host well it's uh it's Tuesdays

with stories and we're live from our apartments and we're trying not to kill ourselves how are you guys doing have you killed yourselves yet getting there so tits getting dicey especially when it's starting to drizzle a little you can't go outside and you know how many times can you shit it's funny to be like we can't go outside as much as it's drizzling there's also 150,000 people sick I'd do a walk every day I got a walk I gotta do two I gotta do double walk I got a morning walk I got an evening walk I can't not do it yeah it's absurd brutal it's crazy it's crazy out here and we got a goddamn mouse in the house

and a mouse we're invested so last night someone I someone gay I can't remember because there's so many message we're getting a lot more social media messages than before right because people are just home and it's nice everyone's grateful but some guy messaged me I've been watching a foreign film every night on the patreon Sarah and I we're calling ourselves the foreign film fags nice FFF yeah well we should change it to fruits or funnies or something but I think these days you can say whatever you want now yeah they're all gonna die anyway but any tits we watched someone told me to watch this Korean movie

they're making the best movies right now these Koreans really yeah we had South Korea North Korea their productions been a little off but yeah they can't even have sarcasm so he told me to watch really he told me to watch the whaling which is on Amazon Prime because we've been renting all these movies I'm going broke here yeah for this project but it's on Amazon Prime it's streaming and it's like two and a half hours long it's a thriller horror there's a lot of jokes and it's beautiful and frightening and weird it's the fucking devil and all the shit it's pretty wild whaling huh the whaling like W.A.I. like Bob Marley and

the whalers oh I see what that what is a whaling what is that what is that what is a whaler or the though there's a whaler W.H. from like Nantucket they killed whales that I get but what's the other way that feels like it's loiterer or something what are the whalers do I think whaling is like oh yeah you don't anymore but then there's Bob Marley and the whalers I assume they're not like complaining they're like they wail on the instruments I guess or something yes it sounds insulting like the whalers like a bunch of cunts who won't shut up well that's why we talked about this in the pod before which I guess I say that too

much but I like people to know we've talked about things but the whaling the whaling wall is offensive to some Jews like the really the PC Jews the SJW Jews SJW J's yeah they don't like whaling wall because it's like these Jews are over here crying about the Holocaust oh I didn't put that together yeah but then I asked a bunch of Jews and they were like I never heard that in my life that's stupid so it is dumb but not as good as the Great Wall you want to be a Great Wall yeah well the Great Wall couldn't keep the corona out of here so that's true or the Mexicans by the way I watched the pianist last night have

you watched the pianist not since it first came out whoo first of all amazing flick yeah secondly don't watch it it's a bummer it this it's the Holocaust but as all these similarities you got to stay in it keeps getting worse that keeps ramping up everybody's dying it's too much this is our Holocaust this is it yeah I guess a lot I think in the Holocaust they didn't watch a lot of foreign films streaming yeah maybe I don't know I think they read probably not I did a little reading too all right I took your advice half hour a day that's fun it's nice yeah I got through a bottle Ajax and a cereal box

magic spoon oh fuck my I'm just turning my phone off the volume there you go so we watched the whaling last night and this is a hell of a picture I got to tell you it's really something but I have the attention span problems as we've talked about as it's known so when you're home a two and a half hour movie I like to take a break break stroll around take a shit you know change your slippers get a cup of tea yeah so we have this mouse in the house I got traps fucking everywhere I got glue traps fucking booby traps vagina traps yeah any kind of trap sure trap door trapezoids and trap men

trapeasaurus is that a thing is there a dinosaur with trap yeah it's trap or keeper oh yeah those are fun yeah tearing yes so anyways there's traps everywhere and people reached out we have a we have a couple exterminators listening to the show what yeah Nazis no like you know pest control so yeah Nazis all right boy oh boy so one guy told us to trap him in here he's like trapper keeper he told us to put like towels under the door if you find a hole stick a dildo in it or whatever glue yeah and you want to keep him trapped because he's more likely to get into the glue trap aha you got a trap to trap

ah trap a trap but then the problem is then you got a fucking mouse in your house like I want him to leave yeah yeah well you gotta you gotta trap him and then we leave then you throw him out it's a thirst trap I guess so but until you trap him he's just fucking running around I got my fucking goddamn wife thinks it's cute she's like it's fun it's sweet it's cute yeah I don't know I don't want mouse in the house I mean I guess you get lonely it's something new I guess but I'm here I mean I'm pretty fun that's true well so anyways we're watching the whaling and it's really getting down and dirty there's a girl possessed and

there's a fucking guy with laser beam eyes and there's women hanging from the trees people their faces are all burnt might have been black not sure but it's real scary yeah and then all of a sudden we hear it and the mouse arrived he's like on a schedule he shows up between 11 and 12 wow and I just hear a little little crinkling yeah and we're like there he is so I hit pause and we're like alright we hear him and we realize he's on the counter oh sanitary well I guess they got sticky hands or something yeah they can climb a wall that's fucking crazy so he's up on the counter and I got an excess bagel there I got extra

bagels because I ordered a bagel I wanted two cinnamon rolls one bagel she gave me two cinnamon bagels first I said no no I wanted two cinnamon rolls but then I was too I can't confront I just was I just took everything hate a confront once they put something in the bag don't you just take it you take it I don't even like I couldn't I don't even like a con back let alone a confront but yeah what's in the bag it's over it's in the bag so and it's a bagel so it's like a buck and a quarter whatever anyways I left it up there on the counter I can hear him rustling in there so it's a it's a Jewish mouse he likes bagels whatever so I

caught I poke my head out there we slowly walk out we turn the lights on you try to flick the lights so he'll run hopefully into a trap yes and so I had like a little red ball this ball right here I tossed it at the bagel thing nothing doesn't move so we're like he must have scurried out somewhere so we go on with our day Sarah's like all right I'm gonna get some you know milk and cookies or whatever she's got the fridge open we think enough time has passed all of a sudden I look and he's coming right for me Kamikaze it was like the running of the mice he fucking see his eyes just he was

like coming right to me I fell I swear to God I saw horns I might have you know illusioned it well Jewish why he was coming right for me right across that counter and the counter is like you know four feet high so he's like nipple high running and I assume they can jump because he got to the counter so I'm like this thing's gonna jump right into my throat or my ass or whatever silent read so then I fucking really pushed out I went ah and I turned and just ran for it but Sarah was right behind me and the fridge door was open so I just slammed into her I just slammed in the fridge and I was like go go

and I was shoving her but in the moment I couldn't think straight and so the door is open I was gonna snap the door off I'm just pushing her into the door and I'm like oh my god how do you go and the milk spilling eggs are breaking this cheese everywhere and I don't know where he went I think he went she kind of turned around she's like he went around the corner or whatever I don't know how he got out of where he went but it was really emasculating because wow I shit my pants and ran and just shoved by I was like Costanza I believe it I mean I get it it's it's you're in the moment it's a mouse you panic well it's

what if it's like a person you know you're just like alright dude come on buddy buster you know maybe you could try to fight him or talk him down but he was running fucking straight for me there's no reasoning with it with a mosey you can't reason well especially when they're up high like the one time years ago I had it running at me in the hallway but I fucking Andy Moe kick saved him and he died because he's a teeny little piece of shit sure but when they're mid-level you can't just fucking punch him out of the sky yes and they're so quick and so little it's creepy and it's a fucking rodent oh yeah

so I don't know where he went he's back under the whatever wherever he comes from the vents or something so we're gonna start souping up putting some towels under the things and the holes and try to really get I'm gonna go get some traps after this and really set them up but I got two traps with peanuts on them I got a bunch of traps with no food I got one with honey on it some guy said honey so I don't know what to fucking think now wow well good luck honey but what is it kind of exciting you have something to do or is it just hell oh definitely I mean someone said if you see a mouse that means there's more

than one so it might be a whole family or whatever as a nest yeah empty nest full nest yeah big nest nest egg nestly quick but anyway so I got traps everywhere I don't know I appreciate the the gay exterminators reaching out thanks for your help but this guy he's fucking pesky I think the last time we got like it was like a kid it was like a retard mouse yeah this one feels educated wise right yeah a retard is so much easier to kill now you gotta miss things like a heist master you know he's he's he's formulaic he's got it all mapped out yeah I think he's sidestepping the traps he's a heismaster

heismaster general oh HMG anyway so that's that's the story over here but check out the whaling it's streaming on Amazon Prime it's pretty fun it's fucking spooky and weird and funny and fucked up now that did did parasite get open the doors for you for these Korean flicks or is this just a shot in the door well some people have just told us about we watched parasites and then we wanted to watch Chris Walsh was like mother is even better than parasites so we watched mother and then some other guy was like hey if you're watching fucking weird creepy Korean movies check out the whaling so oh the best movie

watch I mean this is all on the patreon talk about most people aren't on the patreon but they should be yeah the best movie we've watched is the hunt which is a Danish movie oh and it's pre me too and it's about this guy he's a kindergarten teacher sweet guy and he's got his best friend's daughter is like five years old and he hangs with her he likes her because she's at the school uh-huh and at one point her older brother shows her like a photo from a porn he's like check out his hard cock shooting straight up in the air and so a couple minutes later she's talking the little girls talking to the main

character uh-huh and she's like I love you or something he's like that that's inappropriate and then she tells the principal I saw his cock pointing hard up in the air she quotes the brother oh no and so all hell breaks loose and now they think he's a child rapist it's wacky I can't watch that that's too that's too much of a bummer no no it's pretty fun and exciting and I mean it's a bummer no it's pretty terrible but it's an amazing movie it's really sounds like a curb movie like if Larry David wrote a movie it's gripping oh well I'm gripping myself but wow alright you got the movie corner cornered well we're doing a

foreign film every night and then we're doing queefs about it so oh great idea it's something people really seem to enjoy it I'm sure 30 seconds in they were like listing his wife fuck off but the people that listen really liked it people enjoy it um it was quite a reverent I might add to the podcast I like a rev all right that's all I got I'm literally out so if you just take over that would be ideal all right all right well hey we'll we'll jump in and out I got a few things I told you about the AIDS fight I saw AIDS fight so me and the lady we said let's try a new grocery store so we go to 14th Street West Side

Market 14th and 8th Ave oh yeah there's a Salvation Army across the street so they got a long line of people getting free grub it's nice sure so there's all these guys in line and there's one guys in line with his son his son's right sick he's a little kid and this hobo is fucking with him and he's like hey kind of like pushing like taunted him and the guys like get away from me get away you got AIDS you got AIDS I don't want to hit you and he's like you're gonna give AIDS to my son and the hobo was doing this like putting his dukes up oh wow and they the dad was doing the cover of the Sun move but he didn't you can tell I

didn't want to fight the guy he could have taken him he was he looked fit the hobo looked like like a hobo wait which one has AIDS the hobo or the Sun the hobo okay the Sun got rid of it I think all right but the hobo had a fresh batch AIDS and they started doing this number the Irish standoff and then the cops went whoop whoop whoop whoop and that was the end of that oh I love the whoop whoop was he carrying his AIDS in a handkerchief on a stick no but he was snotty and and and spitty so I think it was coming out of him oh geez yeah you don't want that yeah and then we went to the grocery store right after but it's

it just shows how high tensions are now do you have a grocery store where they let you in a couple at a time we do now that just started today oh wow cuz someone messaged me and was like that the grocery stores are insane but my grocery store is pretty normal still really yeah but this guy was in my neighborhood he was like two streets away so I guess it's different strokes for different folks there's one on 6th Avenue it's got the line out there and then the line is crazy cuz you got six feet between each person so the line looks super long right like my cock there it is we ran by Costco yesterday

and there was like 40 people in line same thing really space and it goes down around the corner you got a Costco we got a Costco not too far yeah huh that's pretty good yeah it's like I don't know 15-minute walk or something all right well use it so that was crazy so then me and the lady another night go to a graffitis and we go up to the register there's an old guy in line like a 65 year old guy and we're standing behind him and this is about a week ago and he goes get the hell away from me get back get back like snaps on her and so I was like what the hell and he goes you see the line you gotta get behind the line six

feet six feet and we're like all right all right Jesus and he goes up 65 I don't want to die meanwhile he's two inches away from the cashier who's wearing gloves or a mask so we're like geez take it easy and I go take it easy a psycho and and I felt bad because he started putting shit in his bags and he goes I'm not a psycho I'm not a fucking psycho I'm not a psycho and you're like oh he is a psycho oh well yeah proving that he he was the very pants I was returning yeah so then you feel bad and then we followed him home and we were like I hope he doesn't live on our street he turned the corner well I feel

for these old fucks because I mean I'm the healthy as a horse but I keep seeing these tweets fucking Twitter I tweeted about this I hate that Twitter is just sticking dead people into my feed people you don't follow is that right yeah they take well they take whatever the fucking algorithm horseshit whatever they take a viral tweet and if someone that you follow likes it they'll put it in the tweet it says liked by you know fucking huh Bernie Sanders or something and it's like some lady being like my son was 38 he was healthy and he died and it's got 5000 likes and shit but I'm like Twitter stop fucking with my brain

threats get rid of these see I like that because I get to see other things that people see that I would have never seen but I don't want to see the the dead people but I guess that comes with the tear but it's all young dead people and they're manipulating our fucking feelings this is what they got in trouble for before oh really yeah they they try to manipulate people's moods and shit oh geez yeah I hate the mood manip I don't like that at all but yeah it's it's getting bleak out there don't watch the pianist now yeah I saw it but that movies I don't we were talking about this recently Sarah and I like I there's

people that like I can't even watch a movie if it involves a kid or if it's got blood in it I always think that's bizarre I'm like you can't you don't understand it's a movie yeah I don't get that either well those are the people who get mad about jokes they're like what this you said this I'm like yeah it was a joke yeah I'm kidding yeah I'm a comic even if I'm not kidding it's just words I know even if it was like I don't like fucking whatever black people I hate them yeah even still it's like well you don't hang out with me exactly and and you yelling at me it's not gonna change my whole worldview right and I don't

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that's blue chew dot-com promo code Tuesdays to try it free blue chews the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the pod whoa daddy on me you never know yeah how's that been going over there well you can't talk too much about it I guess yeah so far so good I'm a fan good times a lot of TV living it up we've been cooking up a storm good food the lady can really dish out a she's like Paula Dean with more n-word well here's the thing I'm like I'm running out of meals to eat I mean I got these frozen chicken finger tender things that I make oh yeah every day I'm the cow ripkin of frozen chicken

tenders that's good stuff you get a some you change up your dipping's I got no dipping's what you don't dip well I got the flux but man I've kind of just gone off the rails I'm eating cinnamon rolls like they're blue chews yeah go nuts why not but I got some waffle maybe I'll do a waffle for dinner I haven't had a waffle since that night after the special taping wow yeah that was a big bad wauff we were so we're so close to like the best night of my entire comedy career and now comedy's over it's so I know it was so freeing there was a beautiful night and the perfect show and everything came together eating a

diner I mean feels like a dream it was all a dream I used to read word up magazine yes I love Cisco but anyways yeah I've been eating the same shit over and over again today I got a little woozy I woke up every day I have a whole wheat bagel and a shit ton of peanut butter on it and then a cinnamon roll but today I was like I've been eating the same thing every day I'm gonna mix it up I went old school I went oatmeal oatmeal and I made a couple scramby eggs then I had three huge cups of green tea because I'm a fucking addict and I got super jitters I thought I had coronas oh yeah the tea is is sneaky

caffeinated it'll get you well I drank about 48 ounces of it on a very empty stomach and this is it I'm going into traction I'm gonna kill myself you know and and you got nothing to do usually you get all caffeinated you go run around the block or you go jerk off or you bang your gal but now you just stare at a mousetrap it's it's it's tough sledding here and the days are all one weird day thank God it's Friday huh doesn't matter now there's no days but I'm trying to keep the weekend still I'm not doing shit that's the key make it special because the thing is still we don't lose that thing of like I should

be doing more I should be tweeting I should be doing an email I should be writing that thing's still there totally so I know you got to keep busy got to make a picture I make a video I gotta have a tweet going I gotta do a pod I gotta do a quiff yeah it's hard it's hard not to get wrapped up but I've been doing a lot of movies I watch three movies in a day I'm watching one at least one tonight it's pretty fun do you guys fight over TV what if she wants to watch something else and she got a you got a fucking foreign film playing of a black-and-white video of a lady in Prague and she wants to watch teletubbies

what goes on then well I go downstairs a lot we have the basement so I'll go downstairs during the day but here's the thing she's not a big watcher even watching she's still on her phone anyway she's rolling a lot and yeah pretty good of being like I'm like I'll do the research I'm like I got some crazy Korean movie it's got Satan and a baby rape and it's got 98% she's like okay sounds good all right and she'll be on her phone anyway yeah we've always worked out well this way because I'm a controlled entertainment freak snob and she's like yeah whatever she's passive all right but she's not as blind if I'm

in the other room or whatever well oh yeah same look what what do you know about this I went to guess where I went the other day to eat McDonald's just for a duffer a little sense of normalcy some old familiar faces some nice flavors Chipotle you got it fatty wow open for business yeah you can do you can do to go you can do a delivery a pickup so I went in and I put some gloves on and I went back to town they all knew me they said hey Tuesday wow how was it it was delicious I mean it was delightful it felt like 2019 no shit there's one on Steinway in Astoria maybe I'll walk up there go there pop in take it to go and

eat at home it's it's kind of fun didn't even occur to me I'm gonna do that do it up we got the cards are they wearing masks now they weren't no mask that's but you got the sneeze guard I know but they could spit right in the food they're breathing into the food yeah she kind of coughed on my pico a little bit yeah boy pico cuff yeah hate a pico cuff so yeah that was delightful you did a home and you just seeing that bag again you know that's the brown bag with the writing on you're like ah I've spent so many hours here I've eaten this so many times it was a little taste of normalcy it's so funny we went for a run

yesterday Sarah and I and I saw a big chipotle like a huge shopping bag chipotle bag and we were down by the water in Astoria so like the closest one is like fucking 11 miles away so it's clearly someone drove to Chipotle bought a bag for their family and just whipped the bag out the window yeah well that was the other thing is I had the bag and I was like walking around the city because it was kind of a nice day so I said let me take a stroll I look down my pants are covered in chipotle juice like I was jizzed on by a burrito and I was like ah so now I put the bag down and I'm sifting through the garbage with wet

pants looks like I pissed myself I'm sifting through the garbage looking for a bigger bag I find one I put that bag in that bag and now I just look like a hobo that's fine you got a good hobo look I got a look yeah you got like a tan hobo you don't see a lot of tan hobos they're either burnt or pale you think I feel like they're all on the Sun yeah they're not pale I don't know I said pale but they're usually burnt that's a lot of dirty or black full black they it's hard because burnt and dirty are a similar look yeah burnt and dirty do you think it's weird Sesame Street this is interesting to me when you see the

hobos and they got filth on their face like I wash my face I never feel like I have filth on my face like how long does it take for just dirt to get on you that's true it's not like they're hiking they're in the I think it's wear and tear you know you start touching your face you're in that subway maybe that air hits you and you're never washing it so it's probably months of accumulation yeah it's like soot but like I don't you don't see dirt on 6th Avenue yeah but it's there but like if you're in Central Park it makes sense it's dirt and grass but like on Broadway it's really just filthy faces

also think about how many times they sleep on the sidewalk so that's just face to cement they're gonna wake up with a hopscotch outline on them that's a good point I don't know I've fallen asleep on that you ever woke up on the sidewalk drunk I don't think the sidewalk I've woken up a lot of places but I do remember me and Ira Proctor and Dan Bulger my roommates when we first moved here we were all sleeping on the train they were sleeping on the train platform and I remember sitting on the train platform being like how do you do that because back in the day when we first moved here back in like 0708 the trains

were worth I remember waiting for the train for like 40 minutes same but we were also out at 4 a.m. yes that's true but yeah it was in it was a night it was Alvin David's 40th birthday and we always laughed we it was like the Sun was going down it was in June the Sun was going down it was like maybe 8 p.m. we were coming back from the liquor store and we went and bought booze and we started drinking on my front porch as the Sun was setting that was like our first drink we went out we did shows we stayed out till 5 in the morning crazy shit they're like sleeping on the subway I have a picture of it somewhere

they're sleeping on the subway platform wow we get home and as we're walking home we're fucking shithouse blackout drunk and the Sun was coming up we were laughing that was like we drank every single minute of the night like we started drinking at sunset and finished drinking at sunrise wow east to west and that was the same one we're I think I've told the story before but Alvin was in the East Village running across the cars like yes and was like smashing windshields behind him it was pretty amazing is it a crazy thing that some guy came out the next morning to go to work and he's just like my fucking

hoods caved in yeah it's just this fun moment and they probably were like these young gangs these teenage whippersnappers right guys celebrating his 40th that was how old is he what is he 88 that was years ago it was a long time ago I mean maybe I shouldn't be saying that I don't have the stature of limitations up on this but everyone's out of jobs anyways now but yeah he looks great I got a full head of hair it was probably I don't want to give away his age but it was you know 12 years ago how about this this week I moved to New York 13 years ago this week whoa and that's something and I'm about to be 38 or I was 38

yesterday if you're listening to this live and so that means I'm almost a third of my life I'm living in New York City that's fun so you're I guess you're a New Yorker yeah time flies when you're they say ten years eating your own jizz oh yeah which I'll be doing soon when we run out of groceries yeah yeah I passed out once in Williamsburg woke up on Bedford just on Bedford it was like six in the morning wow and I just said all right and I went home I'm trying to think yeah I don't think I was pretty good other than maybe shitting in the shoe but even then I woke up at a bed I was pretty good at finding a bed yeah

you were good at finding a bed I was like all right I'm going somewhere or not necessarily a bed but somewhere indoors to sleep I remember my friend Nick Flynn's wedding I woke up in the hallway sleeping like outside of a room I just went to bed and I had a room I must not have been able to find it oh yeah you couldn't make it that's three more steps you just couldn't do it I I fell asleep on the train a lot a lot of detrain a lot of detrain just going back and forth yeah I've had that I think I'm sure I've told this story a million times but with Soda and I went to see Stone Temple pilots down in Jersey with Cantor's like our first

hang oh wow and got blacked out drunk met back up with Soda he was working at the radio station like overnight and we were riding the train home together and my stop was a story of Boulevard I mean Dipmars Boulevard his was a story of Boulevard one stop apart and I was sleeping Soda woke me up and was like hey man you're in the next stop so wake up and I was like you got it thanks buddy and it's one minute between stops and I woke up in Coney Island I just heard Seagulls you know when you wake up you just hear yes yeah and I was like that doesn't seem right yeah and I was open to a beach yeah you see people surfing and

shit right I don't think this is right that's why yeah it's like you woke up in another state you're like oh I don't live near water and you got to go all the way back and you hope to fall asleep on the way back because that's a that's a two-hour ride yeah oh man Coney it's the it's about 90 minutes but that hour yeah maybe two hours wow yeah it's good sleeping you know it's kind of like it chugs along and it's kind of like you know what's a lethargic is that term that could be I think that's something it's got a low rumble it's kind of conducive for a snoozing yeah it's a nice snooze but you got to worry about getting you

know raped or whatever well I you've I've told this before but you know by the time I fell asleep on the L woke up at Canarsie and it was another thing where you're like you look out and canarsie is kind of wide open it's old Brooklyn and you're like what the hell and I look down as a guy kneeling next to me with his hand in my pocket good-looking old guy he had like a nice suit on I remember and he had a gray suit and I was like I stood up on my head hit the bar the hand bar and I was like oh what are you doing he goes don't worry the train will turn right back around and that he stepped out the train backwards like walking

backwards and the doors closed and I never saw him again that's a scene from the whaling I mean that's like a nice robber though it seems like he was very charming yeah that's nice did I tell you the story nothing to do with the drink oh my god these no-story pods are tough oh jeez I don't want to know I thought we were wrapping up we're 11 minutes in here Jesus I mean it feels it feels like when Kramer sold all his stories which is the second reference to that same episode but I told this story you ever have a story like comes to you and you start telling it and everyone's like this story is unbelievable this is

insane I can't believe it this changed everything I feel about you I had one of those recently I and it escaped from my mind you know you have those stories that like they're just not fresh in your tank and then something spawns them or hooks them or yes jar jars jogs jogs jogs is good jars and jogs work jog jar I went for a jar yesterday jog jar was he was in the first Star Wars Binks oh he's stunk oh yeah stinky binky I liked Jarhead I thought that movie was good Sam Mendes yeah people didn't like that movie I liked it I liked it too Jamie Foxx the other guy Jillian Hall I love Jillian Hall yeah underrated I'd

watch Jillian Hall eat my mother out for two and a half hours oh yeah he's better looking than his sister and I'm gay ugly yeah yeah I never got that he's hot she's ugly I agree my wife thinks she's attractive we have this is something we fight about women think she's hot which is a weird thing I think women think want her to be hot so they can move themselves up a place exactly that's exactly right if she's hot that I'm fucking like if Jake Gillie Jillian Hall whatever the fucking name is Jill Maggie if Maggie Jillian Hall is hot then my wife is fucking a French supermodel that's a good point so I don't like when

you like ugly women we should start that I should start throwing it out there you know Kelsey Grammer is hot I think he's got something actually yeah grammar's all right Woody Allen's a smoke show there you go yeah fucking you know what's the other guy f Murray f Murray Abraham oh I met him made him laugh oh yeah yeah Louis backyard I'm a dais he was hanging out I told him a story he laughed he's like that's really funny wow is he intimidating no he's pretty sweet nice guy he's a scary look the story was this was I think Greg Warren's story is there was a kid that answers phones at one of the

funny bones and somebody called and they just hear this on the end of the phone he goes yeah tonight's show is it starts at 8 p.m. it's Jake Johansson he's got four late night sets and he's been on HBO tickets are $10 there's a two drink minimum and you got to get here 15 minutes early and the show is sold out which is one of my favorite stories ever but I told it there I told it for much longer the more details the funnier yeah that's lunch but so I told him that story he's like oh that's great but I called him a doorman like is he a big guy and I was like no he's not big and he's like and then we went in this whole

thing about doorman and I was like why didn't mean doorman I met the guy that answers the phones and then we kind of got in this weird thing he's like oh you said doorman so I thought oh boy and I was like ah cheesy I I've done a similar thing I was at a party once in high school and I think about this all the time and it has no it doesn't mean anything but I still think about it so the party and this guy goes I smell weed and I go well somebody's got weed he goes so where's the weed I go you're a podhead you'll find it and the guy snapped he's like I'm not a fucking podhead and all his friends are like

you better stay away from Bruce he wants to kill you I was like why would I do he's like you call him a podhead I'm like is that bad I'm like he's he hates that word it's like Marty McFly with chicken you know some word just set people off and he was none too pleased with podhead Wow he must have a whole party problem at some point or his dad smoked weed and hit him with a stick or something something a kid put a roach out in his eyeball something happened interesting well I wonder if he's still alive oh he's around all right well I keep tabs on him I watch one Facebook because he was a scary he's one of

those scary guy a scar on his face buff guy oh wow a scar face yeah dad dad definitely beat him or diddle them or something he had some anger interesting geez I lost my headphone fuck oh boy there you go all right so you're ready for this oh shit okay go what do you got well I haven't told the story that started that thing it's quite a buildup but that was it ready for this I want to hear the ready for this no no no you go all in with there this is a doozy okay well my story was I was this happened on the Joker's cruise the impractical Joker's cruise somehow I forgot about this because we were going

to the Bahamas on the cruise yes and I'm sitting in the room with Sarah we're just babbling about whatever the fuck bullshit I go you know my parents went to the Bahamas because they went on a they got a trip to the Bahamas they traded my go-kart for a trip to the Bahamas whoo that sounds like made up and Sarah's like what and I was like yeah I want a go-kart it's one of these things where you start telling it and then people are like what the fuck I want to go when I was a kid my picture was in the paper someone could probably find this was probably the Brockton Enterprise or the Patriot Ledger or

something it was like a place called Stones video in Abington it was like a movie rental place and they sold booze and like a bodega type of thing but they had movie rental yeah and they had a big go-kart and it said like put your name in to win this go-kart and I was like eight years old and I was like hey maybe we could win a go-kart so I filled out my name with the little pencil put it in there like a week later we get a call I won the go-kart get out of here fatty the only thing I've ever wanted my entire life oh my lord that would for a kid that's like winning a mansion oh it was insane I was jumping up and down like

fucking you know Buster Douglas sure it was like Rocky one I got a go-kart and we had the go-kart they got it to us we went and got it we took a photo it's me and my dad we have like winter coats on maybe my whole whole family and I'm hearing we're in the paper it's like a black and white photo oh my we got to find this photo call in if you've seen this yeah we look like McFly and Doc Brown in 1885 it was like we got to go to his library and do that that slidey thing and you know where you turn it and we got a look for it yes and then some guy walks in and you're the way you're looking at his rape charge and you're

like whoa and see a scroll but he saw it and then he kills you yeah yeah exactly but anyways we're in the paper and then I remember having it in my neighborhood and I wrote it around the neighborhood and everyone the whole neighborhood lined up and I was like I'll give you a ride and people would get in board I took on Mike Reynolds for a ride and Jim Cranshaw and Jim O'Sullivan and Rory borrows oh my lord so what I was I was the king of the neighborhood for like cool days yes jumping up and down and like can I borrow it on New Year's Eve can I take it on Easter Sunday and I was like we'll see why you got the key

to the city for the first time I felt like I belonged yes I had something you're Illuminati and then my parents sat me down like a few days later and they're like unfortunately we can't keep the go-kart right now and I can't remember why but we need you just accept anything sure you just go okay like they said it like it was a baby we had to abort it oh my lord they're like we got it we can't keep the go-kart and ironically you need a ride to the abortion in a go-kart that'd be fun to show up at a abortion clinic in a go-kart oh yeah then they're like yeah yeah you got to do it yeah this one's on us yeah

but they ended up trading it to my uncle Bobby somehow he had a trip to the Bahamas that he had won I don't this is where it gets fuzzy but they ended up going to the Bahamas and first they presented it as we're gonna go to the Bahamas instead and I was like sweet and they were like yeah just us ah I thought I was going to the Bahamas you should go it's your cart I didn't get to go they went my parents went on a vacation for the Bahamas that they received through the go-kart why did Bobby want the cart he was an adult because I think he couldn't afford cuz it was like a plane ticket and hotel maybe or maybe it was

just the airfare and he was like he didn't want to go he didn't have a girlfriend or whatever I don't know how he had the trip I gotta talk to my parents we gotta call Bobby he might be dead it's actually my uncle my uncle's brother but he was around cuz he dated my it's a whole thing all right but he was guys you just call your uncle yeah my brother slash aunt's girlfriend at the time or boyfriend either way sounds shady yeah yeah the whole thing is shady but they went to the Bahamas and my I'm telling the story my wife she starts crying she's like what she's like this changes our whole relationship she's

like I have so much insight into why you're afraid of losing everything you're always afraid you're gonna die and I'm so paranoid I'm like I have a gig but it probably won't happen the Tonight Show I'm like when I did Letterman I was like until it airs I probably won't right they'll take it away from me yes cuz like as a young kid I couldn't wait to go to Alan I was like I can't wait to get in there and I hit him with this he's like this is all that coming back this makes sense and he was like this is this is the defining moment this is it I mean this is right here you have no trust you have no blah blah blah blah

think about how confident and secure you would be if you had grown up with a go-kart you have people fawning over you'd be a little celebrity you're in the paper you'd be a different guy you wouldn't have glasses you know good teeth it changed my life and we kept the photo on the fridge like come over the house and be like what's the go-kart and I was like I want it but I traded it and I remember feeling like I that's what I was supposed to do is like we had to trade it for the Bahamas and no one ever told me like hey this is fucked up like your parents fucked you they fucked you I gotta confront them but I'm scared

because they might get corona and died I don't want to be the last conversation that's true but you know what the beauty is you're you're a 39 year old guy go you can go buy a go-kart you made it 38 38 for God's sake 38 I turned 38 yesterday happy birthday yeah 38 yeah wow any tits but wait yesterday well by the time this airs for the people for you it's on Monday but for the people Jesus I gotta come over you gotta jump out of a cake yeah I got a whole plan people came ask me like what are you gonna do your birthday I'm like what are you talking about well have a party six feet I might eat eggos and or whatever

you call them Legos and maybe I'll ship you a waffle send me a waffle I'll send you off all right send me something I just pray that Waverly survives this don't you pray for Waverly I do I walk by it all the time I I think they're hanging in there it's other but immigrants they they're like cockroaches they don't die oh boy all right so hit me with this get this oh well this go-kart thing is change my worldview of you fatty I don't know what to think and what do I think of your parents now every time I see them I'm gonna just just see the Bahamas and your dad in a Hawaiian chair I'm gonna kick them in the balls that's

what my wife said she's like honestly she's like this changes the way I look at your parents and then she was also like if they watch that in a movie she's like if I saw that in a movie I would cry the whole theater cry yes if there was an eight-year-old kid that won a go-kart and his parents gave it away and then went on vacation this is bananas yeah and how could they even enjoy the the sunset the beach over there the whole time I'd see one kid on a go-kart I'd jump with the ocean guilt they had a great time and they were probably younger than I am now at the time selfish people but what can you do how long did you have

the cart with you a total it's all a little foggy but I think a couple days maybe a week I gotta find that cuz I can picture the photo in my head it was I think it was the Brockton Enterprise or the Patriot Ledger love to read the article yeah same but yeah I want to see you as a happy kid I've never seen you happy it was a sizable photo too it was like a quarter of the thing it was like fucking the Central Park five they took on a whole page right wow Jesus well your mom's the one who should your parents are the the Whitman to what they're they're the criminals of the whip I see I was thinking TOO I was confused oh no

sorry TWO I got great error all right so I had this video or this idea to you gotta come over something to pass the time here and you gotta put out content so I said hey maybe I'll strap a GoPro to the hog and just go around town do tour guides while the city is in Hock right I don't know where to go with it but that's my idea Ed Koch you know just go hey here's a Times Square this is it it's all it's glory and it's four people in a bag of jizz rolls by and then a wind blows and that's it I like that idea you could put a set over it as the sound like a seller set like you have that a set your set the audio could be you

on stage like killing really like you have a set from the seller this week at the seller but instead of a video of you we've all seen you we know what you look like instead of you it's just the motorcycle going up and down and all around interesting but what's the connection well it's you we know it's you and you're right around the city like it's like a thing of like this is what the city used to be like my life was comedy and ride on the city that's not bad a little nostalgia well if you were a musician I'd say make some music or whatever right you could be like you know what music is of course but as a

comedian it'd be nice to hear sets you can do a whole thing like that huh interesting I never thought about that maybe do you have a bit about Times Square or something oh it's a New York centric bit that's interesting around I like it either way the GoPro on the bike is a good idea yes and not everyone can do it so I got a I got a hook here yes and so the bike's got a flat just bad timing flat tire front tire put flatter than my sister so I go alright I'm gonna I'm gonna high tail it up to a tire store because everything's closed there's a tire store on 45th and it's run by a couple of cockroaches it'll never close

it's one of these places I get some get some gumption I get on the bike I go up to 45th by the way it's like escape from New York you know there's no one on the road I'm going up 8th Avenue the wrong way like I'm going against traffic in the middle of 9th Avenue or whatever it is and I'm like this is insane a car I'll go by every now then I'll just scoot to the side but it's pretty pretty bare yeah wild so just me and hobos and I feel like a like it's like Waterworld or Mad Max like I feel like I'm the last guy so I'm going up I get to the store it's fucking closed gate down there's some shit written in Spanish saying like the

Diablo is coming or something out of there so then I go fuck so I call my friend and my phone doesn't work outside do you have that outside no I get no service unless I'm on Wi-Fi oh weird no my which adds to the eeriness by the way of course so so I call my friend I go hey can you you have Google can you look up some other places so he goes I found a bike shop over here go walk over this home I walk the bike over it's closed I see a bike shop in the distance and all these delivery guys keep going in and out of it I go well this is something so I go up to the bike shop and you have to knock on the door the guy comes outside

because I don't want to see you and talk to you he sticks his head out the door how can I help you I go hey I got a flat tire can you guys fix it he goes what year is that thing I go 86 he goes that we can't help you but we'll give you some free air I was like all right so there's a nozzle out there I fill the air up now I got some air on the tire so I go well fuck it this was all a waste I'll just order some tires off the internet put them on myself I'll just go home for now get back on the bike new fresh tire but I'm avoiding bumps because if I hit a bump it'll push air out you know right so I'm avoiding bumps I'm

going back down 8th Avenue I got the that post office on my right in that big old post office right by the garden oh yeah yeah you know it says like raiders neat nor snow nor skeet nor jizz virus will all die together whatever it is and so I'm going down and I'm going full full freight full throttle pull and I hit a huge bump but before I hit it I think about the tire so I hit the brakes I hit the brakes so hard the bike stops I fly off the front of it oh my god I flew off the bike no helmet no pads no nothing Jesus yeah I went I went tumbling down 8th Avenue and all these hobos going oh my god are you okay and

they helped me up and they were nice and they pick pocketed me help like it's just skidded across the this asphalt oh my god was it doing like a helicopter eats no cuz it cut off thank god oh my god but I I laid on my hands and my gloves have holes in them from the skid she's crazy thank god you had gloves on though I know that's that hand road rash is like the worst fear of mine the worst and a bunch of construction workers like are you okay faggot and I was like yeah yeah yeah and then I got the bike off to the side I had to like walk around a little bit because it was so you know I just I remember I still have

visions of the the my face going over the handlebar it's crazy it's a crazy sight and I fucked my knee up but I'm okay but how bad would it be if I was in the hospital right now with the coronas I was just listening to podcast they were saying that like be careful out there and like people are like skiing and hiking and shit you like you don't want to twist your ankle or have to go to the hospital or whatever horrible timing but now I'm laying in bed I got a huge eggwap on my knee and it's all cut up I'll send you a photo well you gotta hope though like everyone says if you get a bike it's only a matter of time

before you put it down eventually gonna fall off the thing maybe this was your thing you had a nice easy glitch not that it was easy but it wasn't a death you're alright good point everything's good never hit the head I'm back yeah good point I the odds are are lower now of me crashing because I've already done it because I always think that I'm like people are like yeah you're definitely gonna at some point this is gonna happen if it are that happened you're like well maybe that was my my glitch yeah and it was from breaking it wasn't even I didn't hit anything yeah that's nice do you ever think that you ever think like I'm

gonna bleed again at some point I'll be bleeding isn't that weird what do you mean would you menstrual I'm not I'm not bleeding right now but chances are at some point I'll be like I'm bleeding and I'm like I wonder what that will be will be a thorn like a shot will I fall off a bike I don't know I never thought about that because I live the rest of my life without ever bleeding now you're gonna bleed you're gonna cut a finger when you're dicing up waffles or something that's what I mean that's scary oh wow hey that's not so bad you snip a finger but it could be what if it's a bad bleed what if it's an anal bleed or a

fucking beheading that's true that's true yeah that's also crazy you might break a bone exactly where I bummer I wonder things like this I'm like have I been in the most pain I'm ever gonna be in or is that to come yes I think about that too now let me ask you this with the whole corona jizz do you think you'll you know are we gonna get out of this in eight years and you're gonna we're gonna talk about it again or is it gonna be like the Great Depression where nobody brings it up or are you gonna tell your kids about it oh we'll talk that's all we'll talk about we'll be like oh my god I survived Ted had that I had this yeah

cuz my dad's mom was in the Great Depression she still brought it up to me yeah but that was ten years also we'll be saying that to young generations you guys don't know what it's like we were in New York and we're in New York we're at the epicenter so we could be like hey you don't know I'm in Queens it's even more specific I wish I was in Elmhurst you're right by the other the death source nightmare in Elmhurst ah that's a tweet I don't really wish I lived there but hopefully we'll be alright but I do have this not to and I don't want to get too depressing please I'm like they're like 240,000 people could die 10 of you are

gonna have it I'm like we're not getting away unscathed with the amount of friends and family we have and I'm like related to all these first responders and firemen I'm like no way like this whole thing's gonna happen and everyone like everyone I know was fine yeah it could be one of us yeah so it's terrifying let's hope it's the mouse take out the mouse I love to take out the mouse take them up get rid of that that mouse nest if you give a mouse a cookie oh yeah well what do you got coming up well I got this a lot of this I didn't want to plug dates because who knows but we'll see we'll keep you posted hopefully

they'll start happening again in the fall yeah oh we got to talk specials cuz I think I think it's I think it's up to us now fuck these networks that sucks I just got a call from somebody who has a special out right now if you're listening to this I believe so a lot of big specials coming out oh really if you listen to this on Tuesday unless something dramatically has changed from Friday there's a big special out right now that you should check out oh I see where you're getting at here fatty all right now I put it together now when is yours gonna come out you have any idea I'm gonna go at the end of this month I

think I'm just gonna set it right now and maybe the 28th okay I'll do I feel like the Beatles and the Stones they used to call each other to find out when the other was releasing their album is that right yeah I don't think we're as good as them but similar situation better but yeah so I think I'm probably gonna end up releasing in maybe a month or so all right well hey we'll cross promo yeah we'll figure it out so there's gonna be three spicy fun specials out yeah and and and hopefully they spark each other's interest I hope it's not just like well we saw one we're good yeah I think it'll spark the interest and

everyone's home everyone's not entertainment star so yeah yeah keep checking out if you're one of the people that's fortunate enough to keep your jobs or if even if you lost your job you have $3 a month there is a ton of extra stuff there's so many queues we're doing like two queefs a week and they're long queefs this isn't 10 minutes these are big breathy queefs 30 minute queefs all the live episodes the first 175 episodes are up there we should add some to that by the way yes yes please and you've inspired me I'm gonna do a queef with the lady tonight I think and we'll just keep throwing stuff up I'm

gonna put a photo of my knee on the on the patreon I like that so yeah join the patreon if you can we know times are hard and if you can't you don't have to write to us like we're assholes for God's sakes we're trying here folks stop yelling at us we'd lost our jobs and we're not asking for fucking handouts we're giving you entertainment and I totally get it if you can't but if you can that would be great but yes go to the patreon there's a ton of shit on there for you and you can join for as little as $3 a month and all the people upping their payment we really appreciate that we love you grateful and a couple

Venmos a ton of people have Venmoed us and we're very grateful for that too so we appreciate it thank you thank you God bless anal praise Allah you're saving us and we will be back this will end stay strong stay positive and go gay and fucking stay home stay the fuck home there you go that too alright thanks everybody we love you music