Tuesdays with Stories! - #345 Bottom Lock

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Hoo boy, we're still tining' as Joe continues his mouse hunt with his new mohawk while Mark has a weird run in at Chipotle. We also answer some pf your listener questions from Patreon. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah holy hell here we are we're in the queef and teen folks that's what day nineteen hundred and forty one your haircuts kooky I'm going gay there's a

mouse in the house I don't know my I've been hitting my lady it's it's all over the road here I'm losing it yeah it's getting wild and everyone keeps writing please stop telling me everyone keeps saying if you have one mouse you have ten mice I got the info it's it's it's in my head yeah it's not telling me how many mice there are because now I'm fucking freaking out I got a army of mice and everyone's got the absolute solution do you find this in life yeah we're probably guilty of this you everything that works for you you tell everyone this is a hundred percent the way to do it exactly like me with

blaming the Jews I post of a photo of the mouse traps like that mouse traps horseshit I'm like I got this mouse trap because some guy told me this is the number one way to get them exactly now the other guy is just another some guy exactly so I got I got one of everything that's been recommended and it's like it's fucking Kevin McAllister's house in here it's all kinds of traps everywhere you should do a like a ultimate review at the end like this one worked fuck you skanks this is the one well some people are like put a bucket with a CD on it some people say use butter another guy said use cotton balls because they want things

to make a nest out of wow you get in the mind of the Nazi you know what I'm surprised at I didn't realize we got about 380 exterminators listening to the program I thought it was all truck drivers we got all these mouse killers listening we hit the whole blue collar market I think I know they really are the salt of the earth the two's gaze we got truck drivers a lot of like what do you call those like janitor well what's the word for that not constipation custodian custodian yeah we got that we got whores we got drug dealers we got we hit the whole bottom rung of society who do you think is the wealthiest two's

gay oh I got it Freddie Prinze junior really no no wait Simon Rex Simon Rex is a two's gay I think he's the biggest I may be I mean I don't know what his financial situation is I don't know that norm is a two's gay I think he's listened all right I think he knows of the podcast I think somebody sent him us talking about him I don't think he's tuning in oh I thought he was listening right now yeah that's what I picture my head I like just fantasize about him eating cereal listening to us maybe I mean I hope it's bluetooth cereal whatever the cereal is that we sell magic spoon magic spoon bluetooth would be a horrible

cereal you'd be the table would rise it's spill the milk the table will rise folks but yeah I wonder who the wealthiest is there somebody well maybe go pack Joe he's in the CIA he's flying all over he's got to have some dough I get he doesn't carry himself like a like a money bags I'll tell you that I know but he's in fucking Timbuktu in Milwaukee every three weeks that's true and the richest guys always look like a fucking they own a surf shop you know it's always flip-flops and bathing suits well he can't be making that much money because his wife is on the front lines you think if he made you know 800,000

he'd be like hey Crystal stay home you crazy cook let's not get corona is she a grocery store clerk no she's a nurse I've been texting her twice a day being like look at my nostrils is this look normal I'm showing her pictures of my cock she's a she's the real deal she's got all the scuba gear on and she's going and save kids oh boy all right crystal praise Allah appreciate the service but if go packed you if you're making more than 800 grand and you got your wife you know risking her tits out there what the fuck yeah maybe Ari's right not to mention she's probably can't work she's getting 38 texts from you about your

eyelids are your throat I got Dr. Steve crystal all of them on the line but Dr. Steve I try not to bother too much because he scares me yeah but he's good he's very good he's got me out of a few pickles bake or salt that one who's doing your surgery Baker saw he's good he's good well we got to talk about this this do you got cooking here yeah I went with the Travis Bickel and it came out Burt from yeah it nerdy well here's the thing in my mind here the hats off or hats back on to these please to these barbers and hairdressers because in my mind I got my wife she's very smart she reads fashion blogs you

know she went to high school I was like hey shave me up a mohawk and it came out pretty garbage so it does take some skills even a mohawk really I mean I'm no carwash cunt or whatever haircutting bitch but can't you just snip the side and it won't go left and right well if I had some product I think I could product it up and maybe a couple snips but you got to keep it even it comes uneven right right Ari did it and it was it was a pretty good strip it was a Gaza strip did he do it himself I think he had a rabbi I don't know somebody did yeah he probably went somewhere and then all we have is I

don't understand the scissors like this haircut scissors we have you know Fiskars paper scissors but she's like those are no good I don't know what the difference is to me it's two blades but those are different somehow all right well you look cool you look different you look if I saw you on the side of the street I I cross I'm noticing she missed this spot right here too yeah you know what you look like is gummo you got a little gummo vibe gummo gumby you ever seen gummo who's gummo it's a documentary about these like weirdo rednecks I don't think so I saw the whites of West Virginia it's like that

but we're there it's it's a little eerie you got to check it out it's it's heavy it was big in the 90s oh I don't know it but yeah I really did it was one of those things I'm like I'm gonna look like Travis Bickel will do some taxi drivers spoofs and I just look like a fucking like a what do you call it Muppet yes it's not good but Fraggle Rock it got better at first my hair was so long that when she cut this it was flopping over on both sides so I look like a little you know H bomb went off yeah like a sling blade or a deliverance but I'm not going anywhere this part I'm disappointed the side I'm like I don't

know how you fuck up just to shave in the head that should be easy that's a problem but it's cool it's it's breezy how it's quit I'm used to it already it's weird well it's nice to have the little breeze it's fun to rub a little bit sure and yeah I don't know I had the same haircut before in 2003 but I was a blackout drunk my friend Matt lever shaved my head for me who's a Tuesday all right lever he's our wealthiest yeah and now I don't you look it looks like it looks almost like a statement like you're you're against this group or you're gonna you know you're an arsonist or some gang I'm against a lot

of groups I hate most groups there we go how many are in a hate group how many groups do you think you like what are some groups because comedians is a group certainly I don't like what oh oh gang no the whole gang stinks it used to be better well it's gonna be nerds in it's gonna be better after this we're gonna weed out a lot let's weed baby what grew I hate PETA PETA is annoying yeah they seem annoying I like there I like what they're going for I like the heart they get I like where their heart's at but when they say hey an ant is the same as a human you go I shut up oh that luckily I didn't see that email that's

ridiculous yeah I mean they're talking about my Aunt Rose but still I'm sorry I'm so sick of this I'm ready for it and I'm cooped up I'm losing it it's bad news bears how about this what would you do in this situation I got a dentist appointment Tuesday originally it was two weeks ago they're like we would delay and everything two weeks and so now they got a thing like hey you come in and get your appointment would you go to a dentist appointment right now I think so I think it's letting up I have a feeling I got a vibe in the air it's I think it's letting up and I could be crazy but feels like in a month will be a back at

school back at the office back on the bus well my thing is I gotta I live in Queens my dentist on the Upper West Side I gotta take the subway somewhere like the subway seems rough uber seems weird if I could walk there I wouldn't give two hoots right so it's not the chair it's the it's the transportation well I hate the chair also not to mention he's got his hands in people's mouth he changes his gloves and shit but he's exposed to a lot of people that's true that's true but I feel like a dentist is one of the few people who's always in a mask I get oh yeah I guess so they got the masks yeah I guess the chair is not that bad

it's just the subway or yeah it's one of those things where my chances go up by about 40% of getting yes yes completely but also not to mention I've been walk around in midtown and shit and it is wild just the hobos have taken over like this guy selling drugs like right on the corner of this it's a lot of riffraff so I can't imagine underground what the fuck is going on yes good point yeah that's nerve-wracking yeah it's wild I was like a third world country on 53rd Street just like guys sitting around playing cards on a box and just drinking forties and playing music it was wild yeah so I don't know what to do also I'm afraid of

the dentist what's nice to have the excuse but I have a I've had like a temporary crown in for my last root canal for like three months supposed to be there for two weeks so yeah damn that's not good yeah I don't know well I've been so bored that I texted Jerry oh how does that go not great well first of all he hates text and I've obviously been consumed with this for like weeks where I just fucking analyze the hell out of it but we make fun of this guy on YouTube that's like our thing and so I sent a photo of it and made fun of him and he wrote back how great is this because he dresses horribly is a big dork and he

wrote back how could any woman endure this man which is so Jerry yeah and then I wrote eight more things that he never wrote back oh geez maybe he's a tough he's a one-response guy he is he is a one he's not a doesn't like a dialogue just a hate to die analog and he's tough cuz you're like we're doing it he's right back and then it gets you all hard and wet and then nothing he leaves you well I hate to say it I'm not I'm not casting dispersions but my personal experience if I give someone a one-text response that means I'm hoping they pass away soon

someone's like what I was worried about it's like hey man I heard you talking about this movie you ever see this movie I'm just like no never seen it I'll check it out and then they write yeah you gotta because the cinematography and then there's no response that's me being like all right you got your response beat it ah damn but that's me I mean Jerry he might just be that guy well he hates texting he's told me okay well he's totally said he's not told me but so in a way I go hey he responded that's something that's more than not respond because if you really hated you he just ignore it exactly and it was humorous so

he put a little thought into it and there was some joy involved but still it wasn't it wasn't a lot the humor section humor I've been watching Seinfeld every day it's like a nice warm blanket I'm on season five now and man it is gold I feel the same way it's so familiar it's so funny it always holds up and the jokes are still great it's evergreen and you've seen it so many times that you look for new things new little details and I'm like oh yes I think you should do this is what I think you should do I would go bold get weird it's a quarantine he can't leave either he might be driving around or whatever but I'd give him a

call whoa step it up a level he hates that one yeah just give him a call go hey I'm bored it's crazy and I know you hate text so I thought I'd give you a call and then you do that give me a call back if you get if you get a chance if not uh no whoop no no no whatever baloney burned whatever voicemail yeah the voicemail can you not gonna pick up but maybe he picks up I'd say call get weird what's he gonna do hate you yes well the text a more annoying if he hates texts the text is more annoying than a phone plus a phone calls easier to ignore to me yeah because he ignored the call and go oh fuck I forgot to call you

back a text just lingers it's there every time you pick up your phone it's sitting there right the phone calls like well you think a linger is worse because it just reminds you how much you hate the guy well to me a text is like you're definitely seeing a tech because if you call at a time if someone calls right now on podcasting and then afterwards we upload it I got shot checking emails I just forgot to return the phone call but a text just sits there but isn't sitting better I'm confused I'm saying it's harder it's easier to ignore a missed call than it is to ignore a text because you can't be like you're

like oh yeah you called I saw you called and I just forgot to get back to you the text to me is like you're looking at your phone every 30 seconds and you just see that name sitting underneath the person you're texting with does that make sense maybe it doesn't make sense but I'm saying why would I want to be ignored I'm confused I'm saying if he wants to ignore you yes it's easier to ignore a phone call I'm saying if he doesn't like you or doesn't want to talk to you the text is more annoying than the phone call I see I see I'm saying you're better off with a phone call yeah well I'm gonna either way if I do decide to call I'm

giving it three weeks three weeks well I'm gonna put some space here I don't want to just text huh this fucking asshole text me then two days later he calls I can see that I'm giving it some space I don't want him to think I'm nudging him here I just want him to think it's casual space is good face is good good point and you want to know you have other friends ah yes I think 12 days you'd be okay 12's a lot ah this is where Colin Quinn cuz they chat they're actually equals yeah and but then I don't want yeah I don't want to bug Quinn with my bullshit yeah the whole thing see this is my hell this is the light the

world I live in 12 12 12 days because it's 12 days of Christmas 12 days 12 days in this time think about 12 days ago this thing was just starting it feels like we've been here for 12 days ago feels like six months ago yeah what do you think we're at what are we in the 40s 40s how many days of this I just turned 38 let me see it started in I don't know the 15th ish is that it 16th one week two weeks three yeah not even just about a month just over a month all right so 30 no way I'm looking at the wrong date fuck no the 19th one two oh wow we're not worth that why you're right the 12th shit one more week

fuck all right my started March 12th to the 19th is one week two weeks three weeks four weeks we're in our fifth week okay it's like day 30 oh wow fuck you're right it feels like a year yeah so I think you give it 11 12 days your phone call all right well let's discuss time a day because I don't want to hit up a dinner I don't want to hit up but he's got kids I don't want to hit a lunch with the kids or a noogie or a playtime it doesn't seem like a noogie guys no way he's giving noogies not a big noogie guy not my good point I'd say all right two to ish maybe 11 a.m. daylight daylight for sure because nighttime he's

with his wife you should be with your name daytime all right I just this is a huge level jump I don't think it's that big a level but here's the thing this is what's gonna bug him because he's an efficient guy he's a go-to guy he's a get shit done guy I can't just call and go hey just check it in to you like he's gonna hate that I don't have something to say now see this is where I think you're all cuckoo and cracky you call that's what that's what makes you equals as a person who's penetrated a celebrity life you gotta really just you treat him like I was gonna say treat him like you'd treat a friend but you'd

never just call me on the phone right do you want to be called I'd rather not be called thank you I would say there you go maybe a call I don't mind a call we called a couple times that's true that's true an occasional call but that's how you're gonna do you just get a call be like hey what's up man I was fucking sitting around thought I'd call you I was thinking about you people like to be thought of I guess but he's thought of so much but that's the thing is no one calls these people even his closest friend George Wallace is going I don't want to bother Jerry this is how I got so close with a certain somebody

whose name I won't even name anymore I almost got shot the other day for fucking yeah special sorry about that you gotta you call the guy this is how you get in because everyone else is going I don't want to bother him he's got a TV show and the thing and then you call and he goes hey thanks for the call this is nice they want to feel normal these celebrities I guess so but here's the clinker and this is where my evil poison brain comes in he might want to call but not from this chuch now you want to call from huh you're a good chuch he likes you ah I don't know I don't know I assume he's heard everything I've said

about him I assume he's listening to this right now I don't know what to do yeah yes he could have had anybody in the planet open for him and sit in a green room a small green room that's you you're the guy I know but that was that was then this is now now is better no I mean I could have set up in the green room that ruined it yeah you see how this is my this I wish I never met him now you got a call call him up alright 12 days put it in the cal column and 12 I want you to call him 12 days from now everybody tweet at market 12 days let me look at the date here don't tag him you cunts enough with the tagging yeah no

let's see that'll be Thursday May 7th so everyone remind mark Thursday May 7th the phone call and I think somewhere between 11 and 2 Wow 11 huh but I think he is in LA so I might push that to New York Times so I'll call him at 5 5 what's he had to what's he doing in LA well he's got some space out there he's got a huge pad all right I figured everybody most people got out of here you know like everybody's in LA hmm let me ask you this have you been joining in the cheering at 7 p.m. I hear it from my apartment yeah cuz I got a whatever the hell on 12th Street and I just gave away my address basically I hear it and I go I give it

one of these in my apartment then I keep watching Game of Thrones yeah I go out there I've done it a couple times I feel silly it feels real stupid and the other day I just started yelling let's go socks cuz that's how I know how to cheer you know I was like fucking mookie I was really going for yelling Tom Brady out the window it feels really stupid also I'm in a crowd I know they're all in crowds I'm like hey you idiots are about to get it wait what do you mean now people yell out their window oh I've seen people piled up on the steps of the hospital oh Jesus those people are idiots I know they're gonna get it and

they're at least they're close to the the ER I guess they're not just social gathering the social gathering at the fucking hospital there's both yeah that's stupid no I hear it I might always sit here watching you know Kitty porn or whatever it's seven I just hear like whoa and people are banging on pots and stuff yeah and start screaming yeah I see it it's fun it's almost like we were Mexican and the soccer game was on yeah it feels fun I mean I lived in Harlem when Obama got elected and it was similar it was a lot of like everyone went nuts oh yeah it was fun yeah those were wild times and then every every

comic had that joke every black comic like we ain't going to work tomorrow motherfucker oh yeah I remember DePaolo getting heckled at Caroline's he's like Obama's president now that's a weird you know connection yeah yeah oh shit I had something I lost it virginity lost that yesterday led everywhere oh how about this so I've been I went back to Chipotle it's funny how all our luxuries have gone away so you do one little thing and it feels like you're going to Disneyland yes I had it delivered the other day and it's the best experience of my whole quarantine oh how's the re I just went rice chicken

cheese in a burrito nice so not too bad but I've been eating shit yeah well what you got to do something well you gotta have a vice I've been drinking the main thing with the reflux though is it makes it it's annoying on the voice but I'm not doing shows it's not as big of an issue all right but so what so so I go to Chipotle and me and the lady walk over there it's on 6th Avenue and 8th Street I think and I go oh I got a card I pulled a new fresh card a Chipotle gift card out of the drawer 25 bucks it says it right there thank you Tuesday and we go there I buy it up I get her as I get mine it comes out to like 20 even so I

walk out there's a hobo in a wheelchair I've seen this guy before he's a village guy and he's in a wheelchair it's scruffy as hell dreadlocks just filthy stinks torn clothing and he goes you got any money and I go hey wait a minute I got a gift card with five clams on it you can get what go get something for yourself and he goes is that gonna work here and I go yeah it's a Chipotle car look at it's got a burrito on he goes they'll take this he couldn't fathom it he couldn't believe it interesting he thought I was tricking him I think and I was like it's good I just used it there's five bucks on there and he goes I

don't know and I go I swear to God I don't think he'd ever had a gift card in his life yeah he probably doesn't know about gift cards because when he was still banging the gift card was a certificate it was like a big piece of it's like a big check like you win when you win the you know the swish clearing house yeah so those are kind of fun like a gift certificate in the old day you could just print it off your computer yeah that's true he's never seen a credit card with a burrito on it he was blown he was blown he didn't believe me at all he was like I don't know all right I was like well try it what I what he

got to lose you know yeah good point so did he wheel in there well so he's in the wheelchair and you know the Chipotle doors there they're no joke it's a big fat drawbridge motherfucker yeah I was trying to visualize him getting in there on a wheelchair and I couldn't do it yeah so he's really weak and thin and gay and I go and he goes he's one of these what do you call it ungrateful hobos oh yeah a jerk thank you a UA a UH so he goes well can you help me in and I go sure and I'm waiting for the thank you the whole time no thank you so I give him the card I open the door for him and he kind of angles himself facing the door

but there's a big hump so now I got to get behind him and thank God I had gloves on I get behind him and I push him in and I see a cloud of dust and funk and flies and I push him in door closed behind him no thank you oh boy well they don't know manners you got to do that just for you it was for me and I think I got corona from it and I think Chipotle was pissed like dude you're letting that guy in I bet he's probably still there right now oh shit you're probably right he's probably swimming in guac oh you know in the after hours what is with that what you called a hump what is that thing there a hump it's a hump a door

stop or what do you call that why is it there though it's a little cement the threshold why is it there you know I think it's a foundation problem they throw a new store in the door don't line up they had a couple of layers of cement on every door I think there's gotta be something I bet we have a fan that makes the humps yeah probably the hump maker I think it's for the the locking you got to lock that door locks on the bottom I don't know might be the bottom lock yes I'm a bottom the bottom lock hump but yeah he got in and I don't know how he cuz that door was like this and his wheelchair was like that we had

to do some real shimmy and shimmy and he you're probably right I think I should have let him in a Cudoba yeah fuck that fuck yeah that's my favorite Chipotle ruined dog you know but he's in well that's good I'm not I've keep going back to like who's the wealthiest Tuesday like do we have any doctors listening Dr. J he was a pediatrician oh yeah had a phone call with him about 20 minutes ago yeah we talked about it on the quave yeah he's under the weather but he's still here you know yeah I'd love you J stay strong hang in there how about this one so I think I'm the only lunatic left in my building there's me in a hoarder

on the top floor that's about it but for some reason we get a ton of packages in our building and I caught the UPS guy kicking the packages in he had like 18 his hand and five on the floor he was just kicking them like softball kicks down the hallway oh I love him he's like Ace Ventura he is I was sticking my head out the door like that and he caught me goes oh hey hey stay safe out there you know wear your mask it was like all right I mean he was really putting these things yeah I mean you guys do have a spectacular amount of packages I can vouch it's the village it's these rich cunts they they they they

order of a mink coat they tried on once and they throw in a fire it looks like World War one with those brown bags you know when they pile up the sandbags yeah it looks like you're on the trenches over there you guys are ready to Fox yeah but a foxhole it's a foxhole of packages I mean it's wild yeah it's a lot in my neighbor she's like a young hot little lady so she orders all this fucking leather shit and ball gag and whip oh that was it yeah well I don't know how your neighbors don't hate you because we do the podcast at the lunch stuff studios there and it's thin walls and Manhattan everyone's piled on top of

each other and you know it's a I mean that's a pretty PC area you're in Greenwich Village Village Village and we're letting it we let the explicit of flies I feel like the neighbors must hate you or maybe it's a breath of fresh air now I think you're probably right but I think here's the clinker they all know I'm a comedian so I think they walk by they hear his yell gook and they go he's one of those comedy guys right I assume I don't know because I'm nervous because I got 1,100 neighbors here but we have this thing like you know Sarah and I are pretty irreverent I mean I've said this before

anything you hear on the podcast and you go all these comedians really let it fly imagine what was happening when it's not being recorded of course so Sarah and I just goofing around it's like a fucking dice clay and Don Rickles records playing simultaneously right and I'm like I don't think the neighbors can hear us but then like at night I'll just hear him be like and I'm like oh if I can hear him sneezing he's hearing me talk about you know the mice calling them whatever I'm calling them yeah of course I mean you heard a quiff he's here and you say the n-word he probably hears us eating our cereal oh that's what he

probably hears you got that right our magic spoon cereal that we love reading I'm eating that was Freudian Tuesday's stories folks is brought to you by magic spoon what a great time I mean this is the time to have this stuff delivered everyone's getting their food delivered we had it delivered and we loved it Sarah and I ate all the boxes in about 30 seconds it is amazing I loved it there's one that's like it's called Frosted that was my favorite one they got four flavors based on the all-time classics cocoa fruity Frosted and blueberry Sarah loved the blueberry plus you can get a variety pack that lets

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shipping again that's B L U E chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it for free blue chew is the better cheaper faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring the pod hell yeah and one more advertisement I want to advertise one of the best things you can do in this quarantine is to get on the Tuesdays with stories patreon can't agree more the patreon is rocking now I know you're all exterminators and truck drivers and most of you got fired three weeks ago but for three bucks a month minimum feel free to throw in a few extra coins three dollars a buck three bucks a month minimum you can get on the patreon it's the

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a must yeah the first two three four hundred first 100 episodes yeah get on there and the live ones I always say that the live ones to me are the best version of the show the one from Austin moon tower with Chris D and Ron Bennington is just killer spectacular killer up the nicky blazer one's amazing the Michelle Wolf and Ari is fun a lot of great stuff Bert Kreischer oh yeah Bert Kreischer Nick Vatter I mean there's some amazing stuff and it's it you can't be a Tuesday without the patreon I know money's tough right now and if you can't afford it then don't you don't have to write to us and

act like we're assholes for you know having it sure and here's what's free telling a friend very free very easy shoot him a text shoot him a link yeah get some merch there's a ton of all the OG Tuesdays with story shirts are available the Tuesday with the rainbow we got the live laugh queef ones oh yeah we still have the Chipotle ones with our faces on it the Chipotle logo ones classic those are all available we got some questions these are pretty good oh hit me with some alright I'll go right off the top here this from Gregory these are a Tuesday fan questions oh you're not gonna like this how do you

think the Louie special the new one compares to the rest of his catalog never saw it never heard of him don't know him don't vouch for him next move on no how do I think the Louie news but compares to the rest of the catalog well it's hard first of all it's hard to say because comedy is weird in that I was there watching the sausage be built I was sprinkling little things in I've seen the thing 750 times and it was also a lot of texts of like how does this look what is this we think of this bitch should we do this so it's hard to judge because I was in there yes but I think it's great and I like it I think

what do you think of this theory hit me fatty I think it's similar to music and movies the one that gets like we should always say this about Pearl Jam albums the one that really gets you into it is the one that remains your favorite oh of course like for me like I got into Seinfeld when I was like 12 which is like 94 season 6 ish so to me I also think that categorically is the best season but yeah to me I'm like that's when it was magical maybe someone that was watching from I mean no one thinks the first season is the best but whatever that's a weird example but like Pearl Jam and stuff like that things that when

you get into them that's when you're like that's the best one so for me chewed up is like still the best special 2007 2008 yeah that's the masterpiece and that that will always be the top it's gonna be hard to top that one but Louis has some weaker ones as any comic does and I think this one is way better than all those so I still think chewed up is number one and then after that there's like a handful of great ones and then a two or two bad ones it not bad but two not as good ones but I put it right I put this new one right in the in the middle of gooey middle there yes I love a gooey middle but yeah I wouldn't say

bad but not as strong as those other ones but that's the nature of being an artist but I think it is great a lot of people have been like this one is the best so I'm like I don't know like Matt Wayne was saying I haven't laughed this hard in a long time but you know it is like the longer you're in comedy the more you just watch and go whoo that's good that's really analyze yeah it's hard but I think that it's great and it was fun to watch we had a little date night here and watch it because Sarah hadn't seen any of it so it was fun I thought it looked awesome too it looked great he's so damn I know we're gonna I'm

getting gonna get shit for blowing him but it's so shy even the ad like the cover of it with the the font sincerely they shot like my friends of a tiger he's like this picture is so good I wish I took it like everything he chooses he's such an artist yes consummate whatever that yes hit me all right what were the first comedy clubs you both got passed to host at and how did the process work Peter that way Peter can't see Peter the first club I was passed at was Caroline's me too yeah and I got in because I was opening for DePaulo and so he went and it was before I even moved to Boston and when I moved

to New York I opened for DePaulo there and the I started chatting with a waitress and she was like I'm from Boston too and she was like yeah I'm from there and I know this person and every night I was just chatting with this waitress in the back and then the third night she was like hey I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to be weird but I'm actually taking over the booking on Monday and it was nice because I was like I wasn't it's like it's like when you meet a girl that's a lesbian or married you just have this great rapport because there's no chance of sex sure that's how it felt I was just

being myself talking to this waitress and she's like I'm the book if she had been like I'm the new book or I would have been like oh bull whatever wow I got in I was like in in I mean that just shows how hard and how like lucky you have to get to get into a club like what a break what a lucky break huge break and but that that's always the best way to get into a club is to come in with somebody established especially someone like Nick who fucking hates humanity so they're like of course he likes you my god exactly I got into Carolines through all those dumb contests we know I was so hard up for stage time I was an alt

cunt I was at the creek in the cave I was with the bar shows so the Carolines had all these dumb contests like 500 people enter and one leaves and I did one of those and it you just start doing kind of okay on stage they go who's this guy they do another one it took probably four years but I got in yeah and then the cellar was the second club I got past that that's so weird but it didn't guys again through to Paula but it didn't go I did one set eight of my bag of cheese and then never got booked again yeah yeah my second was stand-up New York only because I said hey I'm doing Conan soon can I run the set and it was

all a lie but I did five and it went well because I did my best five so they're like oh well this guy had a good set and he's doing Conan soon might as well pass him yeah and they don't pay attention so they're like you must have done it I guess exactly and then eventually I did Conan like three years later and they were like I saw that Conan said I'm like oh yeah rerun yeah they replayed it I remember your first Conan cuz we were right we were all in Vancouver that was like a week before I think you were going straight to LA yes that's right that was a wild that was a god those were good days I know it's

hard to even think about it they showed I'm not like a religious guy obviously but they showed St. Patrick's Cathedral they're like this is last Easter and this is tomorrow or whatever this is now and there's like 85,000 people at St. Patrick I can't even imagine life now like hanging out at like Rockefeller Center we're all blowing each other and I'm giving you a piggyback that was only three weeks ago that we did that oh it's dude it's so crazy just the little things in movies when there's like they show New York and there's a thousand people on the sidewalk you're like you remember that insane it's all good the

little things like my cock oh yeah all right all right here we go Patrick big Patty if you if you could live in one movie for the rest of your life what movie would you pick whoa abstract high concept live in a movie jeez I mean that's interesting because I guess in the time period you mean I guess we're already living groundhog day so I'm not picking that I mean it's a tricky question I'm like I'm just looking at the movies in my in my view right now I'm like Jaws Martha's Vineyard seems fun you know living in the summer yeah I mean the shark things a bummer what the hell movie would I live in I'm looking at any

Debbie does Dallas have a Dallas sucks that's true with Dylan Debbie's fun that's true that's my mom you're talking about oh sorry Deb I don't know man I mean midnight in Paris that seems like fun Paris in the 30s it would have to be a nonviolent movie I don't want to go to full metal jacket and get hit with soap I probably go the time machine just so I can zip around yeah back to the future you could be in the 50s that'd be fun there you go apologies to our black listeners my mother was born in 59 you'd have to fuck him fetus which could be fun if you're in a movie you're not gonna get in trouble you just zip ahead do

another time yeah I'd rather fuck my mom's fetus than her good point that's funny if you had to fuck a version of your mom you'd take like you know 13 year old I guess yeah give me the zygote or the baby look what else am I looking at I mean me I'm looking at Annie Hall and Mean Streets I'm like I don't want to be in Manhattan in the 70s that doesn't seem fun not really no what else do I see over here Jaws Pearl Jam live at the show box that would be fun is that a movie could be a documentary yeah that's real I'll go to no direction home just watch Dylan the 60s yeah I guess so yeah liar liar I don't know gonna be a comedy

Ace Ventura to seems fun can eat a better Africa whoo all right go with the next one all right let me jam this in your ass see if you come if you guys were in an episode of curb what would be your perceived character flaw that Larry would take issue with wow that's a great question geez I don't I mean I got a I got a handful I mean I feel like I got a lot in common with them I feel like would it hate me same I think it just be like this is I mean I'm looking at my myself here this is horrible yeah makes you look within which is not fun nobody wants to do that I think you would hate my voice I think you would hate my it

probably hate like last time we queefed you were saying how I bailed on that that party he would hate that about me like you said you were to be there I was like I'm not going to that shit oh yeah that was a great queef get on the patreon that's right yeah I don't know boy he'd hate I mean he'd probably be like hey you guys an awful lot like my television show maybe he might hate your your addictions like what you gotta get a tea now yeah the OCD there yeah go into Starbucks would drive him crazy for sure right you know the other I was just thinking about this the other day the pilot of curb I don't maybe think of this that's the only

episode where they use the in the middle of the episode he's driving around in his car you just hear you know the shit the thing that begins and ends every yeah yeah the pilot yeah the movie or whatever the special the original 90 minute special yeah just using that move music throughout that's very strange that is straight you know where he got that it's like an Italian comedy thing or something is it I think he was literally in an Italian in Italy and he went until like a 7-11 and that was playing and he's like get that get that oh figure that out and that was it yeah it's like it's very wrong yeah it's

definitely Italian something Rocky I don't know sure all right let me try another one here good question Jackie good question a guano replace curb cast with your comic buddies who would play whom Jeff Larry Cheryl Susie Leon Funkhouser I think we did that with Seinfeld last week Larry's dad well you would be Larry yeah I guess I'll be Larry I'm I'd probably Lewis he's a comic I don't be Jeff Jeff's a suit I know but Jeff they have more fun together they're more similar sentiment that's true that's all right I'll be Jeff Lewis is like I could be Viter I guess or for canner or Sam Sam could be Lewis

yeah cranky Jew yeah not that old but or maybe Ari could be Lewis they both ugly yeah yeah but Ari's doing drugs I guess so well he's probably taking some kind of mental pill Richard Lewis that's true he wasn't addict JB smooth could be Leonard utes it'd be a great JB smooth oh great utes yeah great smooth yeah great Leon I mean that's what's more Leon than what the time where I'm in the pool with Leonard utes were a contest the contest is that night and he's like I'm winning this obviously there's nobody in the contest it could beat me he's talking to me yeah unironically yeah just like yeah I'm gonna beat you you suck yeah

that's good and obviously Sarah Cheryl right yeah but who the hell is Susie oh I know who Susie is but I can't say I know who Susie is too I don't bring it up I saw that Susie the other day it was okay so what yeah he sees in the city we zoomed and it was just fine so maybe the maybe the quarantine is good for us wait wait not just you two no no there was a host oh that's terrifying yeah oh it was weird cuz I wasn't no one told me it just popped up and I was like oh my god cuz I got I don't have as much beef as as Susie did but Susie seemed okay so if Susie says we're okay we're okay were there words no it's just like hey

what's up it was very professional all right I gotta hear about that later okay hit me all right you're traveling in the Arctic in winter and your view I feel like Shelby wrote these and he's just crediting this is the way our fans aren't this bright no offense very very creative you're traveling in the Arctic in winter and your vehicle breaks down far away from any civilization you have all the necessary gear and food to survive but no phone to call for help who would survive longer out of you two this is from James all right when the Arctic vehicle breaks down I don't know I feel like I feel like I do okay the people

with a lot of anxiety as you know are very good in these kind of situations yeah yeah I feel like I do okay too just cuz I'm scrappy and gay like I don't need a lot I'm low maintenance but I think we'd both get pretty sad out there yeah I mean I'm not it's not my scene I spent a lot of time hiking and I did the bushcraft party boys I have a nice I know how to start a fire and I think I'd be okay yeah I think I would lose I would probably end up eating a berry and die yeah I mean I think just not having sex alone would send you yeah that'd be jerk jerk off into a fire or in a tent that's true you can heat up a banana peel

if you have bananas sure all you need it oh you have all the gear and food to survive I don't know I think I'd be cool you're a lot more social than I am I think I'd be okay in there for a while I mean I don't even think it's close really I can't even make a phone call to a certain celebrity a phone call but you're out and about you're a party guy you like a nice party a hang your life of the party guy I'm gonna go home and watch a movie guy all right all right this is more of a hang guy than you're giving yourself credit you love a hang I like a specific hang with my specific friends I like to throw a hang where I'm doing the

inviting got it that's my kind of hang but you're at the cellar late I leave I finished my set I go home right right I got you back to the hotel if you'll come but sure I'd love to come on you oh that's what I need all right what is each of your favorite city to do comedy and besides New York LA that's from Zach oh that way Zach I mean LA wouldn't even be my top ten no no fun city but not for comedy yeah I love the town not my comedy town there's so many Chicago yeah definitely the most we have the most Tuesdays in Chicago I feel like yes somebody's got Philly I feel a connection with Philly I don't know why Philly I

love that room is great Madison for sure a lot of this is like based on the club yeah but I think he's saying what you land in the city you're excited to do the show you're excited to get around you're excited to see this town hmm DC I love yes it's like it's we talking our favorite city or our favorite club or our favorite crowd oh I think the city I mean Tampa I have a great time there I I love that crowd but there's nothing to do in Tampa oh I rent a car I go to Clearwater I go straight to the beach I see batting cages this Chipotle I love Minneapolis I've only been there in the summer which is probably why but I love

zipping around that town yeah Minneapolis is good great club good people yeah good people you know there's not a lot of places that I hate to go right same they used to be comedy recuse I hate Syracuse is rough that one kind of sucks but yeah I was great Austin's great I love Houston I like going to Tampa Edmonton stinks hmm I like that's that's that's the Canucks Connor McDavid I've never been to Edmonton oh wow Vancouver I love Seattle I love LA I love San Fran I've never worked I'm supposed to be there in June we'll see about that that's one of the great ones that's one on foot you're like this is unbelievable the

architecture the anal the pobos the seals the pier I like a see that's in my top five I love the city but never done comedy down there all right all right what do you got next I think I asked that one or did you ask that one I asked that one what is the worst hotel you ever stayed in oh stayed at on the road for Matt youngstown Ohio at the funny farm they put me in a hotel the water came out it was browner than then fucking then Jesse James I mean this shit was horrific it's sputtered out the the curtains what looked like I had pissed on them for my childhood the bed was harder than your dad after a

morning dew it was brutal I mean I think most recently two trips ago and Arbor they put me in a fucking shithole that shared a parking lot with a nice hotel it was shit and I feel like I've got a little bit of status in this goddamn business now sure so pound for pound that was pretty bad like in the old days you're a 28 year old drug addict so you're like all right I'm at the Motel 6 let's fucking get lit up and who gives a shit right but considering my like age and sobriety and marital status that hotel in Ann Arbor was pretty dog shit yeah that sounds rough you know it's bad as when you go to a hotel and

they give you the hotel key and it's a key like a metal oh yeah I had that recently in Michigan speaking of keys how about that body on Doug key he posted that oh my word unbelievable give that a gook folks Doug keys a comic he's a New York guy ripped he's got like he man body I know he's an action figure and he's he takes all these photos him shirtless and like he's moving in the videos you can see every muscle and duh it's hot as hell yeah I'd like to suck his dick for fun on a Tuesday I'll watch what are your top three Kubrick Cohen brother and Spielberg geez Josh you really slipped in a biggie there that's nine movies you

want us to know I know right boy all right well maybe favorite of each yeah I mean Spielberg Jaws is number one by far I mean no wait shit I forgot about Schindler's list that's top those of the two those are those are one and one a for me with Spielberg and I guess saving private Ryan's a lot of cheese on there but I like a lot of it I like ET I like hook I like Amistad love comedy but Jaws and Schindler's list are definitely one and two yeah Kubrick boy full metal jacket I love I think the shining is mine for him I love the shine I love Dr. Strange love eyes wide shut number what now I love Dr. you can't fight in

here this is the war room and then Cohen brothers it's no country Fargo and probably Lebowski number hands down no country number one yeah that's number one Fargo's number two for me but I mean I love Miller's crossing and I love Lou and Davis that might be number three but Lebowski I love so and I love Barton Fink and oh yeah mother's tits all right what do you got that feels like a pretty good enough answer yeah all right maybe we'll do one more here yeah favorite and least favorite thing about living in New York City that's from Dima is that a man woman Dima D minus I don't know what do you think who cares hit me my favorite

thing about living in New York boy there's a lot I mean I might start crying in the situation we're in trying to do this my favorite thing I'll miss almost a couple things real quick Central Park is my favorite place on earth I love the people I love my therapist I love you I love you know Ari Greg Stone Veter my wife is cool I like all the people here and I love the comedy seller comedy seller Central Park and my friends those are the three things I love wow and really hone that down to real three real doozies and my least favorite thing about New York is every single other thing about New York minus Central Park the

seller and the people if you can take the park and the seller and move it to the Berkshire and all my friends we all move to the Berkshires I'd preach I'd like that better yeah the train I love it but it's also such a cunt I hate all the people I hate the trash I hate the the prices you go to the grocery store to buy one meal like spaghetti and a couple eggs it's $45 hate the prices hate the fucking metro card it doesn't work and the machines don't work and then you miss the train there's so many things I hate but then I mean you go outside you see the I love the village I love the whole West Village I love the waterfront

I love the Upper West Side Midtown I like I like Brooklyn I love the bridges I love all the people I love the comedy clubs I love the energy I love how it stays open I love the pizza yeah it's funny I'm like with this thing people have been saying this a lot with the pandemic shit of like you realize like so much of my thing of like living in New York I'm like I can't move I'd like to live in the country so I could drive around and go hiking but then I'm like with zoom I'm like we're doing the podcast without issue I'm talking to my therapist over the phone I'm like the seller now is the only thing keeping me

from moving to the fucking country yeah it's scary and how that works I mean there was you ever heard of a Kevin and Bean no I've heard of beans the food well they're the huge radio legends and one of them just said fuck it I'm moving to Seattle and they're like dude you're in LA we this just radio shows been going for 30 years just gonna get up and move he's like what's the difference I'll just call in every day and they're like it's not the same you gotta be in the room and he's like well fuck you I'm leaving come with me or don't and he just moved to Seattle and the show is still going it's fine yeah

we're doing the show without issue by the way we're setting the standard and I gotta thank the Tuesdays who have written this in like a bunch of people emailed us what to do with the zoom mics and I've had three different podcaster be like what the fuck are you guys doing your sound is incredible I've had the same so we're setting the sound standard and finally I knew about this from all the people we had several people email us so thank you to all the Tuesdays that emailed us to do this all right this way we appreciate it and I have so much gratitude for the gays I mean I've gotten by birthday happen I've

got an overwhelming amount of Tuesday love and kind mess not just like hey happy birthday you fucking queef but like really thoughtful messages so we appreciate it and our patreon has gone way up which I know you're benefiting from it too because there's a lot of extra shit on there but we're benefiting it's our only income so yes extremely grateful for that and we love all of you I don't want to get too mushy here and I also want to say this real quick we always favorite every tweet I'm gonna be doing less of that because I got a look at Twitter less I got it all fucked me all up last week for like three days and

there's a bunch of horseshit on there so yeah Instagram I love you Twitter I might miss some of your tweets so if you have something important email it to me or write it on Instagram it's a Twitter's a cesspool of hate and we appreciate the fans and the good people but it's a lot of negativity and it's so unnecessary we don't need it we got enough pandemic bullshit is people dying and then you got to be a cunt about a zinger get out of here yeah beat it but yeah anyway love the gays you give we give so we're all in this together and it's only gonna grow and then we'll see eventually out in your town hopefully

yeah so thanks for listening we appreciate it check out the Louis special and you can check it's on his website and you can check out my other podcast mindful metal jacket and we'll have dates some at some point oh last thing I'll say about Twitter for the love of God just for fun let's just see a little experiment this will come out on Tuesday all the Tuesdays tweet at Netflix and HBO to pick up our specials I just see what happens yeah just just flood them with it tag them flood them annoy them flip out on them go gay and we'll see what happens you never know yes and May 8th when's the phone call

when's that happen again 12 days ah yeah no April 23rd why was I looking at the wrong date what did I say the other day no that's seven days yeah April 23rd so nervous already that's not a good sign you breathe you'll be fine how'd you do with the with the bald guy you just act like it's a normal person he's a normal guy hey what's up can't I can't it's like a supermodel I can't go ah she's ugly what do I care well we also had a ton of road dates so it was like hours and hours and hours of hangs before it was like hey what's going on yeah now I'm ignoring his calls I'm like oh Jesus I know right like I would kill to be there

but I would I would argue that this is I mean CK is obviously a fucking God of comedy but this is like this is another thing almost like worldwide celeb superstar well yeah it's not even close I mean we became fans of Louie when we were you know 25 years old I mean Seinfeld it's the entire basis of our being yeah it's tough there's it's even separated from us I think it'd be weird if I if I was not uncomfortable oh no you should be uncomfortable for sure but we got to get past the uncomfortable you know what it is it's like going into the ocean if you're standing where the water is breaking you're in a great deal of

danger but if you get past where the water is breaking you got your feet up you're laying back enjoying the the fucking whoopies I know but I can't get past you're sitting in the breaker but here's the thing the breaker it's a good analogy but the breaker is all me I can just go forward he's he's still has emotions and feelings and opinions yeah but that that that's still the analogy the breaker his opinion though it's different than walking towards something or swimming towards something that it is trying to figure it out I'm trying to figure out the the end he's the ocean yeah you swim you'd call up and go hey

man I was thinking about you I'm uh I wanted to chat just I know it's like saying oh go fuck that girl well I still gotta figure out how to make it happen I can't just go fuck her well but that's the step is asking her if she can fuck you right right I mean I'm not you know the your analogy is saying is just showing up at his house and being like with a you know two gloves and a baseball hey let's go this is a phone call I would love that all right all right I see what you're saying even if he answers I'm gonna I'm gonna go yeah let's hang up yeah but that'll make it just a little bit easier for the next time oh jeez the

next time what are you getting hold will block me after that I think you can April 23rd 23rd folks put it in the cal don't tag him all right thanks everybody thanks for listening we love you Friday's a lot fuck you dad love me