Tuesdays with Stories! - #346 Talked Bout This

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

Woah Nelly, we're still here folks as we tell some stories from our past you haven't heard before and hear the thrilling conclusion of Joe's mouse hunt. Check it out! Sponsored by: Antoine's Cookies (antoinescookieshop.com code: Tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing recording hello let's start it that's a bucket we're here we're here we're gay I changed my background for you I was getting sad with that that mopey bedroom Boudoir look I had going earlier bedrooms no good

I've done multiple zooms with a person's in the bedroom and what happens when you're in the bedroom you slowly slide yes next thing you know you're in bed I'm talking to you're in bed you have to sleep you got a boner and only one of those is good it's like a flight where you know at first you're up and at them and then by the end of it you're back on first class you got your feet up you're watching happy Gilmore and again with a boner I'm a big slider I'm never not sliding the car the couch the bed I'm right down you're like a little hamburger I think it's the clothes you got a hoodie it's it's slick I don't know

well it's all the pillows they start jizzing and the they deflate like a like a Patriots ball well my couch is easy my couch is like destroyed it we ruin the structure of the entire couch oh yeah well yeah it's like folds all weird together I can't it's hard to express but it looks like a smashed asshole well if you probably did the statistics on that that sofa you cushion you got there it would just shoot up oh yeah I'm never home I mean I'm gone half the time it's same it's tricky and my bed I hate I found out I'm sleeping in my bed my back hurts I got sciatica I think sciatica who's that that's a little

sci-fi flick it's just the thing I heard in the movie Rudy he says my sciatica acts up and so if I hear anything back I throw sciatica right out there I like it that's up there with plantar fassie anal whatever that is they go together that's getting better that's the nice thing I'm recovering because I'm only walking about 38 steps a night yeah you're recovering in the plan is apparently ready you saw the Venice the canals of Venice are crystal clear yeah this is what we needed I think it's nice it's a douching we gave America douche I might live like this really yeah I'm a hermit I'll be a hermit fuck it you look like a hermit

let's be honest every time I left the house I was petrified this is nice I'm playing the mandolin a reading book some watching Seinfeld I never heard the end of it every time you left there was a there was a story from doorknob leaving your hand to doorknob getting back to your hand it was all there was a there was a complaint somewhere it's a mad I like story better than complaint let's go with story it's a mad positive scary world mother scientist is a mad mother whatever that thing Kramer said was mother nature father nature is a mad scientist there it is vice versa you mean normal people can have midget kids

and vice versa mother nature is a mad scientist I don't think they said midgets I think they said little people I think they said little people because they had a midget on so they couldn't call my midget right then although they said it once and he flipped yeah George said it well I just watched the pilot last night it's wild how bad it is so I was it let it on the air the apartment is crazy to he's got crazy wind that there's a football on his table what it's like a messy apartment he has a dartboard there's a football he has a baseball bat it's like it's messy and then the the whole corner is like glass it looks like

friends it doesn't it looks like a high-rise apartment with that a nine year old lives in wow I got a real I want to see just the apartment I remember George had a pink button down tucked in with like a newsy cap at one point yeah it's like a bowling shirt it's crazy how ungeorgid is he has a bowling shirt and a fucking whatever you call it a fag or whatever it's called and he was a real estate guy which is so on George well he stayed in real estate for a while when it was good he just wasn't doing well okay okay but and then there was no Elaine and then Kramer is Kessler and they had it written that Kramer never

leaves the house that was like the whole thing and that even went into a couple seasons because that's why he's not in the Stella he's not in that episode with her in Florida because he wasn't supposed to leave the house okay also probably why he wanted his apartment to it was always about the apartment like I'm gonna make steps or I'm gonna put wood wood paneling levels Jerry it was always about his apartment right and the Chinese restaurant he's not in it so he wasn't in a few episodes because there it was supposed to be written that he never left and everything that's great about Kramer happens outside yes the

firetruck Calvin Klein all that shit if he never left it would have been the beach yeah you're right it's all that Kenny roasters the all the all the I know it's a later episode with the little little yeri Seinfeld it's all outdoors the bottom mom and pop shop you know you're gonna get these wires this place could blow any minute oh speaking of which I got a conversation topic did this guy send you the thing on Instagram I don't think so let me find it shit it might take me a second all right grab your asshole and six words or less hairy balloon not covered in shit oh I found it that worked perfect all right

so a guy on Instagram a Tuesday he sent a thing now I thought it was gonna be more fun than it is because to me the answer is obvious but we'll riff on it all right maybe this should be a queef so we don't lose all the people that aren't Seinfeld fans well I think if you're watching the show by now you're a fan of the sign yeah you're a fucking nitwit if you love our show and you're not watching Seinfeld no offense that all right so it says choose your quarantine apartment you got four choices here's all this apartment number one in Lane Tim Watley David Putty Peter Min or Sue Ellen Mischie and Sue Ellen Mischie it

has its perks I mean putty's cool you know he's low maintenance Sue Ellen is just a hot piece of anal she's got the big rack and she's probably in a bra Lane's fun Peter Min's fun so that's not bad and Watley's fun too I mean I think in real life if those characters existed you and I would be howling at David Putty oh no doubt about it yeah and and Peter Min's funny on accident yes he'd be really funny and Watley seems a good guy too he seems fun it was the worst label maker I ever had yeah yeah although he did rape a few clients oh that's true one was Jerry though what can you do you know he was a great

opportunity if you rape men as well I don't think you're such a bad guy good point and a lane is hot I might try to you know what I mean yeah both the late that's a that's a two for right there yeah you take Sue Ellen I got a real thing for a lane I'll take Sue Ellen but she's a tree she's got to be six eight yeah that's true she's a large large a full-figured gal but that's okay though with you because it's like you know you're a regular height she's tall and you got a weird fetish I'm a tall lanky guy I can't have a woman taller than me it's creepy oh good point good point yeah that means you're trying to make a

statement yeah it's no good I love her free will and attitude now here's a apartment to you got Jerry who you actually know barely Kenny Banya who's there we we know a few banyas yeah that's true you got Morty Seinfeld eh Uncle Leo yeah and then Poppy who'd be pissing all over the place yeah he's a little sloppy I think my only my only plus with Leo is we both steal from stores because he goes to Brent Tato's and I still from the airport and what not so that would be one bonding but other than that Leo stinks yeah Jerry we fun Morty would have some some stories and would he'd make us laugh but that

apartment that's a so far apartment one is better than apartment two wouldn't you say I'd say sub-partment I love it we're subletting apartment three George love it Helen Seinfeld who does really nothing for me boo Estelle Costanza should be good for a couple laughs but not much for me Lloyd Braun who stinks stinks I wonder if it's the original Lloyd Braun or the second Lloyd Braun I hope it's the original yeah he was better so ready now the only good thing about Estelle she got the paella she'd be whipping up pancakes and you got ketchup on it you name it it's a Spanish dish and then you get the Ross

family and they suck I mean it's funny I guess because they're drunks you could booze it up a little bit yeah but they they're bummer so so far apartment one is still winning yes now here's apartment four all right now I don't want to get ahead of the thing here but to me this was by far the best one that's the one I picked you got Kramer well first of all I'm hanging out with Kramer I don't care I don't care if it's Goebbels you Mussolini and my sister I'm taking Kramer of course so you got Kramer then you got Frank Costanza you got the two of those jiving the bro and speaking of speaking of Jive you got Jackie Chiles also in

there love Chiles then Newman all right I can have fun with Newman and then Krueger Krueger I'm like it's not even close you couldn't smooth the sheet if you had a babe or whatever it is date with a dame that that what to me you have to choose Kramer because that guy is so fascinating so funny he has a million story I mean I feel like would just be on the floor the whole time the whole time cigars poker games you'd have your pants would be in an oven plus him and Newman together is great you can just watch that yeah here come the judge so I almost wish the meme was a little better like they should have put Kramer with

like to make it trickier like they put a Kramer with the Ross family and Helen Seinfeld to balance it right right to me number four is by far the best plus Frank Costanza is like the funniest guy of all time the funniest and he's got story he was living with the the Reverend Sung Young Moon I once spoke to the reference on young moon he was in he's sold religious artifacts yeah he was a chef in the army I mean he's lived yeah so that's a that's number four but thank you to the fellow that shared I don't have his name right here we message back and forth a little bit I do that if the if the question is good enough fun fact

for the queefs at home if you got a message one of us don't do the how you holding up now I'm just like and now we're gonna have a chit chat with a guy don't know like I appreciate you listening but not a good opener give me something I can sink my anal into you know like you know like how how fat is that comic or something where we can get to something but just don't go it how's that a quarantine treating you there dickless yeah give me a give me a dick pig or if you're a lady fan how about a pair of tits and would that kill you please or a fat man yeah sure shoot us a pair of tits and then say hey what's going on

you're right right that'll grease the wheels a little bit but what's new with you you can give the old better now yeah yeah I love that line that works on one yeah still holds up don't you always want to do it what a move I always wanted to do that's that appears in Seinfeld is when you're sitting at a diner or a restaurant and someone comes in and then you use your foot to move to push the chair killer that's a classic move classic you know it was big when I was banging was everybody smoked when I was in high school I don't know I went to high school in like the 40s and you lit your cigarette and the girls and then gave it

to her like you had two in your mouth oh that's nice big big that's a way of like kissing her a little bit oh yeah you wouldn't do that in corona times because the lip is on the sick and then the sick goes in the other lip and then your lips have touched yes touching lips by the way I see a lot of kooks out on the street smoking with a mask on oh it's kind of silly like defeats the the jizz of the whole thing I wonder when I get I've inhaled a couple of second-hand smokes over the course of the quarantine and I'm like that seems like a surefire way to get it because that smoke has come from their lungs scooped up all the the

niblets of corona and then shot back out now it's in your lungs right it's like a snowball if you think about second-hand smoke it's kind of fucking weird it's crazy but I don't think it's as dangerous as I don't like it but I think it's as dangerous people say you never hear about a guy dying from it well I think that would be a lot of second-hand smoke but let me counter that with this I think I'm gonna talk about this before please everyone's gonna take a shot now that's one of the drinking games some guys sent us a Tuesdays with stories drinking game oh I miss every time I say I think we talked about this that's one

of the drinks that's pretty good but anyways my uncle Dale we all know and love firefighter on the front lines there big day when he when he went to get his physical after graduating from the academy they were like how long have you been smoking for and he's like what I've never smoked a day in my life and you're like that's not what it says here they're fat ass and it was because his mother and father smoked every day all day in the house all second-hand smoke wow well that yeah that's years and years of being but basically hotboxed by mulberry yeah I think if you share like a one-bedroom apartment with a chain

smoker you can you can pick up the cancer second hand all right I take it all back that's pretty dangerous and and when I was a kid I remember being in my my friend's car his mom smoked and she was Belgian so she had hairy armpits big crazy cellulite and just pumping camels all day long in the car and I'm ever being a kid like God it sucks and I just thought that was normal I didn't know what was weird what she was doing yeah that's like Donnie Brasco without he would crack the window yes she wouldn't crack they I remember my friend Jeff Welch we were in the car and he was like do you mind if I smoke in the car and I

was like yeah just crack the window he's like yeah obviously I'm cracking the window yeah the fuck smokes with no window crack but people do it that feels so Boston to me the yeah yeah obviously I'm cracking the window that's very bean towny to me there's always like the you guys are very quick on dumb dumb things yeah there's no tolerance no tolerance for very low tolerance people but I think it's smart he's it's a it's a sign of intelligence like you think I'm that stupid yeah it's also the cuntiness of Boston right just be like sure I'll crack the window no problem like I'm doing him the favor I'm letting him

smoke in my car ah yes yes but he's saying you think I'm he it's an intelligence mixed with insecurity like yeah I already know that but you think I'm that dumb I don't know that fuck you right yeah I got a lot of that myself aha well I mean it's it's a smart this is interesting thing with bean town we don't have to get in a whole thing on mass but we got time well there's so many comics out of there so many brilliant comics and I think it's because of that cunty intelligence and insecurity all thrown into one gay gumbo and it makes hilarious dudes yeah I think I think part of it also is everybody in

Boston comes from a big family or a big neighborhood tight neighborhood so everyone you had to do something to get heard right right good point so everyone's loud and angry everyone's like shut the fuck up and listen to me yeah even if you didn't have a big family I think you had a big neighborhood and you were always together yeah I had both of those things my whole life I was always around fucking 38 people no one ever listened to me I was the exact opposite I was hiding in a room my whole life we had I had that early on in life my parents sent me to therapy when I was like seven cuz I never spoke I didn't speak at all

they thought something was wrong with me is that right yeah it was crazy like it was like they were like we gotta get surgery for this fucking kid or something then they stole my go-kart that didn't help me get any more social but yeah right yeah right then I remember sitting when we moved to Whitman in 86 I remember for like two years I would sit at the screen door and like watch the other kids play and I had like this monumental moment with this guy if he get his name rich something he had a younger sister who's fat kid I can't remember his last name rich what's that Rich Hall Richie rich rich now it's one

of those weird last names like Gilmetti or goom goomati Asian guy some some fat fucking douche but anyways I remember him playing catch with across the street neighbor Eric Chalmers it was like five years old and they were playing catch and I was just standing there watching them like a psycho and the kid rich went hey what's up with this kid just staring at us and Eric Chalmers went oh that's Joe he's cool hey Joe oh and I waved cuz he knew me cuz my sister was social aha he was a whore he waved and said he's cool and it like it was it warmed my whole heart like I it was the first thought of like maybe I could go outside and be

friends with people wow cool and I love him forever he was I ended up being like the sweetest guy and he was really like help me be part of the neighborhood yeah I was gonna say how good of that feel it and those guys they don't know how far that goes I my brother was in Boy Scouts and I had to go hang out with them because you know my parents didn't want to get a babysitter so like you're coming so you know my brother be weaving shit or tying knots or whatever the hell Boy Scouts do and I'm just sitting there and they would all pick on me cuz I was like a dorky fat cunt and I'd curly hair and buck teeth and

everything and they're like what's up with this fat homo and one of the older guys not even my brother mind you one of the older guys goes ah that's Eric's brother he's he's good and they left me alone yeah it's nice you just need someone to vouch like I was thinking that cuz I'm like that guy Eric he probably doesn't remember that but to me I'm like that was life-changing totally and those are the guys that get laid yeah I would fuck that older guy he had some problems himself but gay no no great guy funny guy I remember one time we used to always sit they had a broken down car there yard I mean we're kind of

a garbage neighborhood by the way check the podcast are you garbage have you done that podcast never heard of it oh it's H Foley and Kevin Ryan couple of Philly boys I like those guys great guys hilarious guys and they do a whole podcast where they just ask you questions and figure out if you're garbage or classy oh I love that it's a fun podcast go check it out I'm on there it just came out this week if you're a Tuesday you'll enjoy it I feel like you're more recycling I'm yeah I qualify as garbage but I was I said no to most of the garbage questions but I had a couple things their big one was have I

stormed the field at a sporting event and I have and I face painted and also I went to my high school football games after I graduated that was a that was all bets are off yeah but they're all in the sports realm so I feel like maybe you're just a garbage sport guy yeah some of them I was like a Paul I was like how could you even ask me that like have you eaten a hot dog on a hamburger bun a hamburger on a hot dog bun I'm like get out of here see that that I that's where I'd be garbage I've eaten everything from pussy to dick anyways check out that part but anyways we had a they had a the charmers had a broken

down car in their front yard red flag well we had that also but yeah we would hang out in the car like we would all sit in the car and that would be our hang aha and they'd be like nine of us in there was like we'd all pack in interesting and I can't remember exactly how this happened but one of the neighborhood guys who at the time felt like he was 50 but he was probably like 21 yeah and I forget what Eric said but he yelled something that I'm like you fucking loser or whatever and the guy was like fuck you and he tried to get him and he was reaching in the car and Jim Crancho I took his baseball hat was

like whipping his hand the guy was like ah come on and he couldn't get us out of the car and we would just torture him because he was like you know like I said 22 23 year old guy but he lived at home and we were just like a bunch of teenagers but we had the numbers yes so we were like fuck you you loser and another time that same guy got in a big fight with his girlfriend like in like in front of Eric's front yard and then just shouting at each other and we were all playing football so we stopped and watched from like a distance we were like oh my god and Eric went inside got a fudgicle fudge sickle and came out and

sat down Indian style at their feet just eating his fudge sickle wow what are you doing here you piece of shit get out of here I'm talking to my girlfriend he's like this is my yard you're in my yard haha and it was so exciting it was so bold he was so emboldened I love bold bold yeah I feel like there's no one bold anymore there's no bull you go bold now people cancel you right that's true it feels like we put a like a we've pinched the the kink the hose on boldness and and then every now and then it gets all built up and someone shoots up a school right interesting well this bold entertainers is a few I guess I don't I

feel like you used to have guys hitting women with a fish and throwing TVs out of windows I'm not saying that's the boldest shit ever but it felt more common I hear you well I mean the hit less hitting women is probably positive that was a TV at the window I'm on board I mean it was a fish it was a gag I'm not I'm not pumping up Chris Brown over here Chris Brown's a chooch but you know you hit a gal with a bass that's a good time that's fun yeah I wouldn't mind that I mean it's that they're making us smell their fishy pussies why don't they take a little fish to the face oh yeah well I don't I just felt like and I've talked

with this before it's it's a feeling more than I have any facts or cold hard evidence but I feel like when I was a kid when I was a teenager and maybe just because of my age dudes I knew were fucking firecrackers they were so full of life they would climb up a building and then jump off and do a barrel roll then chug a whiskey then punch a kid in the groin and steal a car and fight their dad and fuck their mom it was a it was a whole different world back then yeah I had some neighborhood guys that were fucking nuts like Eric Chalmers Jim Cranchot which I think one of them is a cop now I think but they were wild

yeah wild we laid in the street after the program came out the movie the program we were those guys that like laid in the street and cars were fucking whizzing by oh yeah yeah just BMX ramps made out of you know toilet paper and wood you just trying to jump you break a leg or a femur it was wild times yeah we did that Brian Regan has that great bit one of the best bits ever about yeah when they make a ramp and then you break the the guy breaks his leg in the bone sticking out and one of the kids is like get some leaves get smooth that's one of those bits that you're like we said that I know we

said get some leaves I know it's brilliant it's it's he's just saying what happened but it's so funny because it's so true and real I don't know but we want to get back to the the car thing that was the beauty of childhood with no internet right we didn't we didn't have a call of duty we could play some fat kid in Guatemala and call him a fucking cum guzzler and you had a headset on and everything back then you fucked with a half retard on on Main Street yeah we would sit in a car for like seven hours just yeah shitting chatting wow it's so funny you got in the car it's almost like a podcast studio back in

the 90s yeah it's weird and I don't know why I think you just pretended to drop I think it was like a spring steamy like let's get out of here and you couldn't but you'd pretend to you'd sit there ironically none of them ever left town right yeah it's like it's like a little road trip but you never leave I want to come back to this gonna lose this thought what you were saying about he was just talking about what happened that reminds me of I was listening to a reading an interview with Will Smith the Fresh Prince talked about the song summertime and he was like I just wrote a song about what we did in cells Philly

he's like I didn't realize everyone in America did that wow like he was talking about you get a haircut and you don't speed through two miles an hour so everyone sees you he was like I was just describing my summer right like but it turned out everybody had a version of that and so everyone was like oh this is my jam yes is that funny that's so funny to say that because I watched some documentary mini doc on Phil Rosenthal you know him you're gonna have to remind me it doesn't bring a dick chewy guy he wrote everybody loves Raymond with with Ray Romano they wrote it together well what did I say I thought I said Bill I

miss her oh yeah Phil yes and they couldn't crack it they just wrote like ten copies and they couldn't because they knew Letterman his production wanted to do a show with Romano so they're like we gotta we gotta write something so they just sat down these two idiots and they couldn't come up with anything and then they just said well let's just write what happened and but they kept going but I'm Jewish you're Italian this is not gonna sync up and they just wrote the same shit they just happened to just write what happened to him and it was the same because we're all people we're all people interesting that's like I love

that story of Carl Reiner he had written for your show of shows the Sid Caesar sure and then they wanted to make a sitcom so he's like I don't know how to make a sitcom so he just wrote a story of his life he had moved to Levitt town would commute into the city and wrote on a comedy show and had a wife wow and so he wrote the show like that it failed and then they called him back like six months later like we're gonna redo the show and he's like but it was a failure like we're getting a better person to play you and then the dick Van Dyke show wow and and they're not wrong dick Van Dyke killed it yeah one

of the one of the greats who's still alive I think they're both still alive and friends friends and I think dick has a full head of hair yeah he looks great looks amazing he looks better than certainly better than me I look horrific I'm looking at the lighting I got the mustache I'm doing a character I got my head she I look horrific like a cartoon my glasses are too big it looks hostagey it looks like you have you're holding someone and you're like I need this before I let him go I need a green tea I need a cookie I need a waffle you know it's nice though I think my wife's a little turned on because we've talked

about this before another drink is women can change their looks you could put your hair up have it in pigtails you can have makeup you can have no makeup red lipstick we just look like this right I've changed my look drastically shaved head mustache I look like a fucking a prisoner of war or something yes I think yes I like it it's true and plus a woman can put her hand and go do that fun I only have a little bit of stubble feeling it feels good to do that to a man I think yeah they like it and I got like a swastika tattooed on my chest just to complete it I want to be like a bad guy you know exactly go all the way

oh shit oh you got something because we forgot to talk about the thing let's do it I'll come back to it we got these fucking cookies delivered the best Antoine's cookies I tweeted it out some of you are already getting them the guys at Tuesday evidently I don't even read in the copy fuck the copy look I'll read the the the must read part okay you read the must read but they sent us these cookies it was Sarah's birthday we get a ding dong on the door a package is all you have anymore by the way door rings come shoots right out of my ass same I go I get the package it's a beautiful white box with it's like slick and nice

slick and nice I open it up and we got an assortment of cookies all kinds that we got uh snickerdoodle chocolate chip oatmeal chocolate chip and I'm a chocolate chip guy I ate them so slowly yes it was it's chips everywhere you can't not bite a chip one of the best you guys know how much I love chocolate chip cookies oh yeah I ate all three I've never been happy it was the highlight of my entire quarantine you gotta get some Antoine's cookies unbelievable I got the same box it's a variety pack it's got peanut butter cup it's got uh sugar cookie it's got uh macadamia and chocolate chip it's just everything you

get asked for I opened the box my lady came running across the room like a cat smelling a can of tuna I kicked her in the clit I said hold on you whore we picked out which one we wanted I poured us each a glass of milk and then I put those Nazis in the fucking oven see how they like it I turned the tables on them I put them in the oven for like 10 seconds oh money shot right on the lips and then we had we kissed after that and it was we we exchanged some of the cookie and in each other's mouths unbelievable orgasmic I should have done the oven thing I fucked up with the oven oh well hey are you done you out

well chocolate chips my favorite I consumed all of them I wish they would send me a box of all chocolate chip yeah it'd be nice because let's be on who needs a sugar cookie and a snicker do yeah give me the chocolate chip and I read the whatever the verbatim thing all right right now Antoine is giving all you gays 15% off your order at Antoine's cookie shop dot com that's Antoine's cookie shop dot com and use the code Tuesdays that's a n t o i n e s cookie shop dot com and use the code Tuesdays for 15% off and look we're in hell the world's on pause treat yourself get a discount and just

marvel in these cookies just just put life on hold and just savor these Nazis because they're so good you're gonna love them yeah and I want to add this we're not getting paid more the more cookies we sell true this is us loving these cookies and wanting you to enjoy them too yeah so uh white naked oops sorry getting we're not getting commissioned here or commissions or whatever the fuck just get the cookies is what we're saying they're really good I mean this guy he visited me in California did a show in uh where is that rooster tea what city is Sunnyvale Sunnyvale and uh he came by with a box I gave him a bunch of the staff they all

shit the bed and I loved it and it's really it's it's white white uh chocolate macadamia peanut butter walnut toffee oatmeal chocolate chip I mean everything you can ask for it's the best it comes in a hell of a box and when you're done that done with that you're probably gonna be horny yeah so you might want to get a blue chew Tuesday stories is brought to you by blue chew the first chewable dick pill love it you take these things and man your dick is harder than a bag of rocks yes that makes sense blue shoe has the same FDA approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis and we all know we're stuck with our partners you could probably use a little boost if I'm not mistaken you're not lying at this point I mean it's the same day over and over and over again

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feel it so they stay in you baby thank you blue chew and you stay in her yeah what's going on with your sex are you getting laid on the legs or what's happening it's definitely slowed down just because you know she sees me without makeup and I've gained a lot of pounds it's all gone in my ass and uh you know you're just around each other so much that my libido is just like eh she'll be there yeah same I need weirder dirtier stuff I gotta be like hey you gotta put some heels on and hit me with my mandolin so I can come I know and it's almost like jail where I go out to go to the grocery store and I see a lady walk by and she looks like Ralphie May and I'm like oh look at her holy shit I got a couple of bags of tits on her sorry no my bad it's hard with the uh

the video it looked like you were done I couldn't tell and I apologize um but I was saying the same thing I was like if there's gotta be people hooking up all over for the first time like I feel like if I was stuck with my aunt hmm I might make a move six months like you start to be like you having a couple cocktails and you go who's gonna who's gonna know you know yeah incest I bet has gone through the roof for sure I'm trying I keep fucking texting my uncle dick pics yeah say uncle hey we have one more sponsor this week I'm amazingly oh yeah and uh it's express vpn Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by express vpn being stuck at home these days you probably don't think much about internet privacy on your own home network if you open a private lab on your browser

a tab I should say don't open a private lab that's crazy if you open a private tab on your browser and no one can see what you're up to right well I hate to break it to you but your online activity can still be traced we don't want that no incest even if you clear your browsing history your internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever visited yikes hey you should never go online without using express vpn hide your history express vpn reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers and it's anonymous I love anonymity oh yeah express vpn server has an ip address that's shared among thousands of users so protect your online activity today visit express vpn dot com slash Tuesdays and you can get an extra three months free on a one-year package

that's ex pr e s s vpn dot com slash Tuesdays one more time express vpn dot com slash Tuesdays to learn more and surf safely out there folks yeah please support the people that uh support us for god's sakes because between this and the patreon that's all we got and let me just say this about the patreon yeah if you're a if you if you can afford I know there's 22 million out of work which means there's you know 250 million not out of work whatever the numbers are if you can afford five bucks a month and you're a huge Tuesday you are missing out right now oh yeah oh yeah we've we've been put up in queefs galore I'm doing queues with the lady we're gonna start putting some fun videos up not to mention all the backlog ton of backlog all the live episodes

it's uh it's really you gotta get in there if you're uh if you can afford the means you can do five bucks a month for christ sake yeah there's also a super gay 50 bucks a month if you want to get crazy yeah speaking of that I don't know if you got a couple people wrote to me saying I think I'm the richest Tuesday oh really yeah one guy was like a some kind of butt surgeon or dick twister something medical and he was making a ton of money and he's like me and my wife are both rich and I'm a Tuesday and you know I think I got it got everybody beat yeah there's a couple tv personalities that are fans of the show and uh we got some frontline workers out there which we a big shout out to them all all ladies by the way hey female fan so thank you to those ladies don't die because

we only have about 38 women that listen to the show so we need yeah we need that gash uh um but cash no thanks a lot uh everybody but yeah get on the picture there's a ton of bonus stuff and just Mark and I have been checking in a couple times a week half hour bonuses and some of the boat the bonus most recent one I was like I wish this was the show we had some fucking killer shit on there yeah that was a funny one I was dying I was laughing about that after we we'd stop recording same and oh and if you missed it if you're not only a couple thousand people know about this we killed that fucking mouse oh that's right yeah you gotta bring that up ding dong the mouse is dead I came out to meditate I do my morning meditation I came out and I looked and he was

belly up head missing the whole thing smile you son of a bitch you know he had never actually says bitch is that right isn't that weird Louis told me that and I was like now you're crazy I've seen it a million times and you watch it it says smile you son of a oh that's cool it's like an optical illusion says with the Mandela effect yes I would have bet $5,000 I'm like no he says bitch I've heard him say it wow your brain put it in there I put it in but you know in uh in pulp fiction when uh what's his name Travolta and Jackson are walking through the hallway about to go kill those guys yeah you can hear in the hallway somebody's listening to a boxing match it's butch's match really yeah so on the radio coming out of an apartment but it's pretty clear but I never

really thought of it it's actually butch's boxing match weird it must be a replay though because it's like nine in the morning when they go there I guess it is yeah I've also heard a rumor that you can hear when he's walking when when Willis is walking through the yard to go get his watch and ends up killing Travolta you can hear a radio report that the um the trophy from the dance contest was stolen oh but I've tried to hear it and I can never hear it I've like cranked it up and like put my ear in there wow interesting all right I've I've also heard this is uh hearsay or queersay but they say that Travolta's character Vega is brothers with Mr. Blonde yes I've heard that yeah you've heard that Vincent Vega and uh is that Kytel no it's Matt Michael Madsen

Vic Vega toothpick Vic Vega uh-huh yeah they're uh yeah they're siblings ah look at that it's just fun yeah it's interesting too he made those two amazing la movies and then didn't make a an la movie for years until Hollywood yeah what you're not a fan of well I thought it could have been a lot better and like so many movies on second viewing I was like I do love this I just there's just parts I wish were cut yeah there's huge chunks of the movie I love I'm really into like I said like the ending is like amazing yeah I just think the part like Margot Robbie going to the movies is long yeah and then the scene with uh the caprio when he's in the movie is way too long it's like 30 minutes of the scene of him as a cowboy it just keeps going and going and going

right right but any scene with Brad Pitt was amazing like when he goes to the ranch this this tense when he meets the guy uh whatever that guy's spawn whatever his name is right sleeping all that part was crazy he'd be the flat tire guy he's like fix it that was incredible and the the driving and then when he fought Bruce Lee all that shit was amazing and then the when when Leo is melting down in the trailer I love that you know he's like what do you gotta drink eight whiskies you fucking homo what are you doing yourself oh man but I agree there was there was a lot of fat on it I wish they cut about 20 minutes off I think this happens a lot with these filmmakers that get final cut Sally Mankey his editor died I think sometimes you have these filmmakers that get

to a point where no one's going hey why don't we I don't know if we need all that right right start to get a little too kooky but I do love a lot of that movie speaking of movies I'm gonna give an exclusive uh Tuesday hot hot tip here um so my specials coming out May 12th allegedly and uh I'm trying to do everything different with these specials you know nobody nobody uh shoots the audience anymore nobody has an intro anymore nobody does this anymore nobody so I'm doing all those things that no one does anymore again all right bringing it back trying to bring it back just because if you if you do everything how everybody does it now you're just everybody else right so everything cyclical yes Ryan cyclical so uh I'm like all right so I want to have an intro but what

the hell can I have an intro how you know you don't have a cheesy thing where you fall into a manhole or you know some dumb joke or you slip on a banana peel so I said hey I probably shouldn't give this away but fuck it the Tuesdays they need they need something give it away now I got the hog out here and I got a desolate apocalyptic manhattan I'm doing vanilla sky parody oh I like it I go out there we me and Salak use my my video guy we went out there at 6 a.m two days ago it's nothing but uh bags of garbage a couple cops and a few hobos and we shot this motherfucker I gotta he's got a hatchback we pulled that mofo open we pulled the hatchback trunk open he's sitting the back filming me I'm going down Broadway in 46 it's just me out there me in the wind wow that's a

threat I mean even if it even if he fucking left the lens cap on that's a fucking killer experience it was pretty great I I felt like I owned the whole city and cops were going by and there you know we have no permit we have no money we got no juice and they were like ah fuck it who cares yeah there's bigger fish to fry I mean that we shouldn't be frying those fish anyways that's true it's bad it's a little high cholesterol uh that's incredible I can't wait to see it how does it look did you watch the dailies I watched a little and we we were it was so cold it was like 35 degrees and I was wearing my I'm wearing the shit I'm wearing in the special so I'm wearing basically nothing and it was so cold that we were like all right I think we got it we shot for

like an hour and a half and it's like 7 30 we're all tired and gay and we're like fuck it let's go home we get home we look at the dailies we're like we forgot this shot we forgot so now we're going back tomorrow oh man it's just fun making things it is and it felt good to do something even though it was depressing like shooting that stuff is so fun you're with your friends you're you're in New York you're on a bike you're the wind is in your hair but after we go that was great let's go hit a diner ah yeah the diner you know I wanted to to rectify we talked about New York last week and the things we love about New York and don't love and I left out so many things I was I was being a slightly cynical and comical right the movie theaters and the diners

that's what I love most about New York and miss most yeah those diners man and it's open anytime so welcoming you're like hey it's 4am what should we do I don't want to go home diner late night diner I mean you can get a fucking chicken parm or a flounder or a can of soup yes anytime 3 in the morning 5 in the morning 10 in the morning whatever yeah there's no judgment either you order a cup of coffee and the swordfish they just some Guatemalan guy just makes it and brings it back there's no like what swordfish yeah and the movie theaters we're losing them left and right and I'm hoping that we don't lose a bunch more because of this but the IFC when you go in there I go by myself I sit down I watched Swallow right before right when the all shit was all going down right you're

sitting there by yourself and you watch a movie that you can't really see anywhere else in America I love those fucking cinemas and the diners and I miss both of them yeah the diners that's a good call yeah we're definitely gonna lose some movie theaters there's no doubt about it they were struggling before what's that and some diners also ah yeah brutal I worry but there's some promising studies I don't want to get too into quarantine because people are hearing too much quarantine so maybe we shouldn't even go down there but I saw that study out of Stanford that said like fucking 80 times more people have it really than they thought yeah so there might be some good news coming soon I don't know wait that's a good thing yeah because that would mean the death the mortality rates way lower

ah because the death there's not more deaths that we don't know about right so it turned out that there was an extra 10 million people that had it and just had no signs that would mean the mortality rates pretty low actually all right all right yeah I think I think this is my prediction if this keeps going the way it's going with the quarantining and the mass and you can't go out I think there's gonna be two camps there's gonna be the scared safe play it by the book guys and there's gonna be a couple people who just get together and go have meetings go have little concerts like like almost speak easy you know on the on the hush and they're gonna be called groupers or something they're just gonna sit there and be like we're going to Jeff's garage and watch a comedy show we're gonna

watch you we're gonna watch Debbie does Dallas yeah fuck the six feet we're gonna hug yeah we'll be like uh we'll be fugitives and shit yeah it's like demolition man you know you go down to that underground layer there's Dennis Leary hanging out with a bunch of derelicts yeah when's the last time he was in a movie well he was he had a moment he was in the ref he was a leading man for 10 years ago that's what I mean he was in the ref and he was in the sandlot and he was in my sister's ass and then he was in uh judgment night he was great in your sister's ass that was uh five stars on rotten tomatoes uh yeah he was in a lot of shit and he was he was in rescue me he was a lead on a show oh then he had sex drug and rock and roll he's had multiple shows but I feel like

movies he's kind of out yeah he really faded he I never thought he was that talented if I'm being honest amazing career yeah big thief he stole a bunch of shit right jokes and stuff well he has that famous story where Louis said he just ripped off his asshole bit and uh made it into that song I'm an asshole and Louis just said like everybody in Boston's like what are you gonna let this happen this this redheaded cum guzzlers taking your shit he's like I'll write another bit and then like 10 years later they did ONA or something together and he goes oh yeah Louis and out of guilty wrote him a check for like 10 grand yeah well that's the thing he did he did take he's taken care of a ton of people that he was reported to have stolen from so he he made some amends which is good

yeah yeah now I feel bad about uh trash but I don't know the guys I'm sure he's nice but uh I don't know I didn't trash him you said you didn't uh find him particularly talented that's not all right a trash that's a trashing I mean I would hurt my feelings but yeah but I people tweet it right at me so right yeah boy I'm getting some tweet those tweets I try to just tweet every now and then just to have an outlet just to keep joke writing as an exercise going of course I'll tweet something and you know right when you tweet something you're still vulnerable you're raw you know you're like oh let's see how this goes so somebody always slide right in and go this is comedy boy you're getting rusty oh you've lost it you're like yeah look I can take a zing but not right right right

when I tweet it come on well I'll tell you I have muted and blocked more people than I ever have before I'm muting everybody if you're hearing this most likely you're muted on my Twitter I'm just a mute machine you're a mutant I'm a mutiny on the bounty baby I mean not not that all the people that first of all there's a million heartwarming tweets and messages and emails and it's quite kind yeah um but some of the tweets you're just like yeah now mute block can't do it right and some people on Twitter horrible debaters they try to debate I'm like you're a joe you got to come with something give me something that makes sense yeah yeah totally and and then you start realizing you look them up a little bit you're like you have three followers and you're mean wouldn't you if you

have three follow you should be the nicest guy on the planet and try to build a little relationship here right it's crazy well you got it's one guy I tweeted the Louis special and it went fucking haywire I mean people were just it went viral people were like fuck you your scumbag your tyrant your piece of shit yeah and I was talking to me he's like yeah well take it down what are you doing just doesn't matter so I take it down then you get the guys that are like you fucking pussy you took it down one guy's like I lost a lot of respect for you he's got a fake name and a fake photo I'm like you're a fake what are you talking about respect for me you're nobody you're hiding you're a fake identity you're just tweeting at strangers as a completely false identity

but that's the thing out of here now you realize oh you're just yelling at me about your shit you're just projecting you fucking queef yeah you're nothing nothing it's the it's the guy who hates gays and then he's blowing Ricky Bobby under the table but we should point out because we talk about this stuff a lot the vast majority vast are positive and nice and friendly and we love you big Tuesday thanks for your service yada yada so you're right we should focus on the same with comedy club goers most of them sit they love it they're great they laugh they don't get offended the majority will never get offended yeah yeah you're right you're right but it's that squeaky wheel gets the uh lube thing you know I'm so happy by the way speaking of lube I bought three cans of

fucking fuck water at the place by your house right before this all thank christ man you're like a lane with sponges you gotta you got in there you got the last case I'm so I'm sure you can get them online but they don't have on amazon that fuck water is first class yeah I gotta try that I'm using some shit I got in a swag bag and it's a little crunchy no this this fuck water like I said it feels like a hot load and it it tastes a little different than a hot load but it's really good stuff yeah all right I'll try it because uh it's the Sahara over here if you know what I mean let me ask you this we gotta wrap up soon but we have a female Tuesday who's uh friends with you've met her she's friends with Sarah she sent out a thing to a bunch of friends

saying tell me who's wrong and who's right in this situation so I want to get your thoughts oh I can't wait but she's she has a friend a friend of our friend has a friend who was on a I don't want to say because that sounds too specific bleep that out Shelby she was on a vacation okay and she fucked a guy hot guy sexy man he fucks her pulls out comes all over her then so far so good licks up all of his own come and eats it the whole thing every ounce of cum he licks it up eats it swallows it now our friend Tuesday she's like there's no way that happened as a fake story I'm saying I think that happened wait wait wait wait wait somebody you know said this happened to them where's she's coming from friend of ours okay has a friend we don't know

unknown friend okay okay from a step from a different circle of friends yeah this is an unknown woman telling a friend of ours that she was like on a vacation guy blew his load on her and then just licked it all up huh and the friend of ours the Tuesday is like there's no way she's lying I think she thinks she's full of shit no I think that's that happened I totally believe first of all just the location you mentioned earlier bleeped out says something's up these people are already a little little kooky and uh I know a guy who does that really yeah don't say his name because I don't want to be outed I don't think you know I used to work with him at a restaurant he used to work at a restaurant his name is Justin and he used to plow this gal Elizabeth

and she would get she would ride him and she was such a squirer that she would squirt pools all over his stomach and then she would go like a kid who spills you who on a counter but here's the thing I mean if you want to eat your own jizz that's that's fine you know that and that's cool man um but you can't do it on a first time hookup stranger no no no totally you gotta really get in there and marry that dame that's a second date situation but um my my wife would heard the story she's like that's the grossest I would throw up if somebody did that and I'm like boy I'm glad we had this talk because I'm I'm two days of quarantine away from it yeah I don't know I bet some gals would dig it I mean because that's what they do

so if the guy does it it's almost like hey you know we're equal that's what they do what do you oh they come you mean yeah a lot of ladies really down that stuff like it's a protein shake I guess it kind of is what oh yeah I know we have a we have a running gag about me eating my own come but I think I'd rather eat another guy's come than my own oh that's really off-putting well that works out for me but uh yeah that's interesting I'd rather eat my own yeah I don't I mean what would you rather smell your own fart or or another guy's fart I like my own farts they're funny go yeah I guess so I maybe I'll eat my own come just for fun just to see put on the patreon um but that's what I sound like yeah I think that's a real story I mean first of all

it's a crazy story to make up yeah but I think yeah it's like you hook up with a lunatic that happens yeah and you mentioned he was a hot guy hot guys they get bored real quick they've done it all early I think you get bored you got to try new shit that's a good point if you want a normal straight through sex you got to fuck a guy with the shaved head and a mustache and glasses there you go yeah you're meeting potatoes that guy he had a Ferrari when he was nine he was probably banging uh Lindsay Lohan at 12 like he's done it all already he's gotta up it that's like those Wall Street guys who hire these midgets to step on their their sack good point yeah so I think it's a true story I think you went out on a trip and you got a fucking kook yeah I think so too and it's

a victimless crime if this guy wants to do it let him slurp yeah saves you a towel and a sock or whatever there you go and much like Maria to Annette let the beaches but man what a what a weird post all the weird kinky shit all I can ever think about is what's it like right after yeah yeah that's that's one of those when you see that happen you go I gotta tell my friend about this yeah but it must be that that moment of like you want to get a pizza what do you want to do yeah right you want to hit that buffet oh sorry oof giving it away um anyways well this is a hell of an up I think was killer that might have been our best quarantine up lights out that was lunch good stuff well uh well get the I mean I got nothing to plug except for the patreon go on the

patreon ton of bonus shit it's five bucks a month you won't even notice it leaving your account um do that and uh I got another podcast mindful metal jacket you can check out a lot of fun episodes Mike Kaplan Irish and fear and uh I don't know Sarah Chloe sounds good to me yeah check out my special coming out on uh the 12th hopefully if uh barring some for unforeseen incident and uh yeah follow us on the tweets and the grams if you're not already and yeah I guess that's it keep keep looking out for these queefs and whatnot yeah and oh stream our albums we need I mean I got a fucking bleeding money out it's brutal so go go stream our albums and a bunch just have them on the other room you don't have to listen to them just have them playing on a loop

in the other room right here here well said and uh yeah let me know if you eat your own jizz all right all right take care take it easy but oh I wonder we should plug that that grossman thing oh yeah yeah we'll tell them about we will save I don't know we'll do it I think we're out of time all right all right all right all right take it easy sweep