Tuesdays with Stories! - #347 F*ck Your Buddy

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

Holy hell, we're back for another week as Joe struggles to get horny during quarantine while Mark is getting bad books and going to secret parties. Check it out! Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) & Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy okay we're here we're live fucking fuck suck Dixon rolling hey yeah queen jizz anal black power I'm looking at my wife's vibrator right here it's sitting next to me I'm on the bed prove it well I don't want to put it

on the YouTube I showed you off camera all right I'll smell you if your fingers later all right here it is oh wow it's like a it's like a taser she's numb down there are you telling me this only happened me twice in my whole life and both times have been in the middle of the the fucking whatever quarantine whatever we're calling it is I'm just been like I can't have sex I got nothing never had that my whole life I gotta get some blue chew because you couldn't get it up I just I mean we didn't even get to a point where it's not up it was just like I do want to have sex and I'm like ah yeah I got nothing like I'm just sitting

there being like I can't and then today I'm horny all day like I've turned into like a woman who's trying to get pregnant I'm like I'm ovulating right now oh you're in heat yeah but like there's like times where like my wife's never initiated sex she's like we could have sex and I'm like ah sorry you're a kid but I can't just like I've never had that happen ever yeah it's it's not a good feeling but if you don't want to do it you don't want to do it you know you feel like an old lady like I got a headache you're gross get away from me old hag well part of it is I need genes you got to put your genes on and you make up on

and I got to see out and about we're in here with sweatpants all day a pair of slippers that my sister got her there's no makeup there's no hairbrush real you know yeah it's like a hoodie she's dressed like me yeah I gotta see my wife it on stage talking to someone you know in a pair of jeans and a blouse maybe that's still pretty regular I mean you went from hoodie to jeans not it's not that crazy I could see if you said cocktail dress or bikini or furry but lady jeans all right lady jeans I always say there's nothing hotter women always go all out with these blousey flowy bullshit their pastel tight jeans heels

and a tight shirt that's it that's the hottest I agree jeans jeans and heels forget about it I mean come on and a t-shirt that I'll tell you what I hate is that thing with the shoulder cut off yeah your shoulders stink I don't mind a shoulder like like it was just a swoop and her whole arm comes out I like that well I mean if full disclosure or whatever fold the shoulder I like a shoulder I just don't like when it's just the shoulder exposed it just looks goofballs I see well yeah when they get all wacky with the asymmetry we got a diamond cut out and in your armpit I don't get it fuck a diamond yeah shine

bright and by the way have you see I want to come back to this but have you seen the trailer for the Beastie Boys documentary or watch the documentary I have not I'm dying to see it well it's on Apple TV but I can already tell all the scenes where they're flashing back and stuff look amazing but it's a it's an it's a quote-unquote experience and the two living ones are on stage talking hate it hate the talking I'm not gonna be able to handle it it looks like a one man show they're like when we first met man shit was crazy and I'm like you can't it makes me want to throw up to watch two guys watch a documentary yeah and

comment on I just I can't do it I won't totally with you it feels like a dumb Ted talk and and they're gonna be they're gonna be wooing too much you know they're gonna go you know back in Brooklyn and 88 they're gonna go yeah yeah we got it just give me the information you cunts yeah give me the film and I hate people talk like it's very one-man showy and who wants to watch a movie with the people the movies about right I never got that I'm with the and also one of them died of the big C so that's gonna come up that's gonna have a candlelight vigil we're gonna have a do a seance and a hug it's gonna be little it's too much

just make the movie spike Jones made it which is nice and he's friends with them or whatever he was at the cell that night that was I love spike John I got a weird place in my asshole for spike Jones yeah he's terrific but for guy the whole thing great movies being John milk her yes that's fun and then he's Giovanni Robisi and lost in translation is that right yeah and then her is like a response if you notice those those films are very similar there's a lot of twin shots in there oh that's big and lost in translation was like Sophia Coppola communicating with spike Jones and then her is him talking back to her

it's pretty fun wow I think she did a better job yeah her movie is better I think but you know it's funny is I saw like a pole it's not funny but somebody was like which do you prefer and like the majority preferred her oh really but I also think it's an internet thing and lost translation was like oh three that's true so all these whippersnappers saw this movie when they were 14 they never even heard of this other bullshit right and lost translation it's pretty slow I mean I remember when it came out I was like oh man Bill Murray in a full he's the lead he's the protagonist I can't wait and I remember being a little like

he's not really bringing the heat here well it was subtle it's slow but her is not exactly saving private Ryan I mean well that's true yeah yeah it's not it's not a tango and cash but it's enough Bill Murray is the lead you see Bill Murray on the poster I'm going we're gonna have some zingers some yuck some sarcasm but it was he got here like half a smile in the three minutes of the movie and that was it he's got some funny lines in the list of there's some jokes but I mean that's one of my favorite movies what about ending though that's a little vague don't you think oh I love that ending come on that ending in my

ass I come all over my tits it's a little pretend I don't want to say pretend but a little precious I like the preciousness I'll tell you I was I was just telling the story the other day I lived here when that movie came out September 2003 I was going to New York Film Academy as did you yeah and work I was I had a friend my friend Leslie who was like I had a big crush on and we were buddies we went to the same class the same school whatever and she had a boyfriend at the time and I was like in love with her and I think she had feelings for me we're still friendly now and now she's married I'm married the

whole thing but I had a crush on her physically emotionally we talked movies we stayed up all night we walked all around the city we bonded over everything wow and then we went and saw that movie oh that's why you love it well that's part of the reason but it still holds up so we saw that movie and then afterwards she's like boy I really love the end I just I love that he just kissed her you know that was really awesome and I'm a fucking moron I was like yeah I'll take care and looking back like she was like kiss me you fucking idiot and like I was like you know I'm a comedian I'm a Sam on the road I'm not

guy and she's like you know she has a husband who's there and she had a boyfriend so I was like I don't want she's a boyfriend I don't know I'm so insecure this lady was just feeding me the kiss and I yeah that's neat I get it I get it you want to come up for some coffee that's a little late exactly I'm like I regret it to this day we ended up you know bequeafing each other later but oh you're point I don't want to you know what I mean she's got she's out of personal life but we've spent time together down the road when we were both single we've met okay never got today she was the one that got away of course it

all worked out for both of us but man that was that moment when she said it I she should have been like I love that he kissed her I'm like well you're gonna love this and then dipped her and kissed her I could have done it but it's so funny because I mean a couple things on this one women love that guy they love that guy who just dips and takes charge and does it but on the flip anal if you do that the wrong time you go to jail yeah bad dip is bad bad dip no that's double dip you go right to prison you get you get fired off the movie shoot so it's this weird balance of the women go hey you pussy why don't you make a move

you're like well it's like that Louis joke you know like why don't you just go for it he's like why I just got a go for it on the chance you like being raped you don't want to be a dipshit hey there it is a dipshit dick but anyways wait I love that movie but I want to go back to the attractiveness because that's the other thing is like when you're you're hanging out too much like this with your partner you become very buddies which is yes we have a great thing going we're laughing all day we're having a good time but we're a couple but you don't want to fuck you buddy I don't want to fuck you you don't no I'm

afraid not I've been waiting to dip you I was waiting for the right moment but I get I get the play that we're in a treehouse we're eating popcorn we're making s'mores and telling ghost stories I got a candle up to my chin like a douche I'm with you it's pajamas and and we're playing a boy talk we're playing that board game girl talk where you call the boy you don't talk about no it was big in the 90s it was a board game we call a boy and had a fake phone I remember that I think I saw that I think my sister had that yeah me and the lady are playing that over here we got candles lit and Amy man is on I got a period we're

playing most trap but killing it it is it is tricky though it's just you see they're in the sweatpants and you having giggles and then we're talking about God and Christ and eternity like we're in depth of conversation it's hard to be like all right well let me spit in your asshole and see who see what comes of it you know yeah I get it I get it it's tough and and it's like that sign filled I hate hate to keep bringing up sign but we were pretty used to that but it's what we do there's no awkward pauses the whole thing's one big sleepover well that's the tricky thing about long-term relationships I think is you don't

there's nothing naughty about it anymore yes and then I went you go through naughty fantasies but even those you start to run out of you're like yeah I'm a fucking 17 year old pool boy that's you know raped your dad or whatever it is sure those run out of juice and then you're like all right I gotta come up with some new shit or something I know and then and then I'm like man I was my libido gone am I a homosexual am I a eunuch and then I go outside and I see the 78 year old male woman of color and I'm like holy shit look at those envelopes yeah that's where it gets tricky tricky Ricky I don't know what

the solution but to me seeing my lady in the outside world really helps she's on stage she's doing well maybe a couple guys are like hey what do you do like a guy wanting to fuck her helps but no one here wants to fuck her well yeah just you with the mouse and he's yeah well he already tried that's why I had to kill him I already was well hung by the way I think I said this already on the queves but I just want to say thanks to the one fucking guy that wrote in and was like hey if you see one mouse you probably have one mouse yeah cuz we haven't seen a second mode we'd beheaded that one and there's no other mice we

had one mouse well that's the thing people like fucking yeah they like it a little bit you know it's like I always say when I tweet something and has a typo in it I'll delete it real quick and then put the right one up and some guy has to go oh second time's a charm I caught it like yeah yeah it was it was out there in public you're not a you're not cool yeah I don't know I don't know what that is it's all it's all ego I think people want to guess there's something fun about having an effect if they spook you yeah yeah exactly they think they know behind the scenes they got one on you or some shit like now it was public

knowledge it was out there I deleted it but I gotta I gotta bring this up there fatty oh so my mom and me are connecting more which sounds good on paper but it's a real pain in my dick she's a talker she wants to call she wants to connect sounds horrible on paper yeah it's pretty bad so she's sending me books this is what this is her move books Jerry and she sent me book after book and every day she goes did you get the book and I go I didn't get it so it's not here the mailman hasn't come I haven't gotten the book and she's like alright and she's pissed and she's mad at me because the books on here so that's the first stage

of hell the second one is did you get the book I got the book and she goes what do you think it's a book I got let me sit with it for a minute what I didn't finish it I just got it today yeah I read at three pages every four days yeah exactly so this is the one I got today now if this is the first prop comedy of all time on Tuesdays but just take a look at that come on this is where we're at here this is the connection me and my parents is that gold or what for the folks at home if you're not watching the list is in shambles but it's Brad Garrett's biography of when the ball drops everyone loves Raymond Brad

Garrett you know the older brother with the deep voice that book sucks of course it sucks dude that reminds me my mother bought me fucking oh Jeff Foxworthy family is a f-word or family yeah yeah opening it on Christmas morning and being like what yes yes what is that book called family's an f-word or the f-word is family family's the f-word or something like that well there's evidence for family that's just Bill Burr oh shit well that one's good it's a great title whatever the fuck I know what you thought it's a four little word or something fuck your mom I can't

remember but one inch of comedy involved and they go he'll love it and then the pressures on me because they're like did you read it yet and I don't want to be like it stinks you're a idiot you don't know me at all you queef man I haven't laughed that hard since fucking golden girl season three that's the third one this week I got others the other one's called humor code god it's so such a bummer yeah I can remember getting a shirt I'm afraid to even say I don't want to hurt people's feel I know I know yeah same say I've been in the same boat where you're like what or like my uncle's like dude this is your song this

this makes me think of you whenever I hear this and it's Cheryl Crowe I'm gonna soak up the Sun remember that song I'm gonna soak up the sun he's like that's you baby and I'm like meanwhile I'm in the fucking fetal position under my bed then I'm afraid I'm gonna die I think I'll crow fucking sucks assholes yeah and it's just like is that what you think I'm into I know and you just take it because you don't want to it'll ruin their whole thought of you like they've built this whole image of you in their head and if you tell them know it it I don't want to crush anybody like that I know I get stuff like this like I went

to you know Iraq twice and Kuwait to do comedy and so I think like my uncles are all military got so I'll get like me like from them I do look what I have the look right now but I'll get memes of like you know Merry Christmas from America and it's like a B-52 and a bomb and like you know kids burn it and they're like they sent me that kind of shit I'm like I'm not that guy I know I'm not the military guy you know I'm grateful for people that serve but you're like right I'm not one of those guys okay and I'm like I like full metal jacket and apocalypse now because they're art not because I'm like we fucked them up bro I

know it's a it's a bummer but it's too jarring to tell him no as he just go with it yeah now you have to like read a few excerpts of Brad Garrett's book I mean that fucking headshot is just perfect the title it's fucking amazing I know and I even feel bad for him because I never want to write a book and when somebody puts it up to a camera the other guy dies laughing because of how stupid it looks I mean that is bad yeah yeah that's funny this probably some jokes my parents I remember my parents went and saw him live at the comedy connection years ago and they said that the opener was funnier it was open it

was a writer for the show I don't know who it was oh wow but they probably had the writer was probably some stand-up comic that got a job punching up and he's probably like Jeff Cesario or somebody like that you know it's interesting about Brad Garrett from what I understand he was doing better than Romano in stand-up when they yeah the show happened like he was like a headliner Romano was kind of a feature I saw them now we're getting real deep in a Garrett world but I saw him and they did a you know James Lipton used to have like the whole cast on remember that oh yeah he had like the Simpsons and all these

people and he had the Romano cast and Garrett was the only one funny he was like holding court and being funny in the moment where there are the rest of were all just quiet yeah funny guy from what I understand I mean maybe his stand-up was great too and he's great on Seinfeld oh yeah that was another season seven yeah he was good in that yeah you don't try you do 52% of all turns or left turns you know that yeah well last night we had an epic Seinfeld talk no you you me and Sean Donnelly who can really he's in there he's one of us yeah hang and I was literally in the shower texting with you guys I couldn't

stop because I kept hearing the boot and I was dying to see what you guys were texting we all just fucking nerded out on favorite Seinfeld seasons and episodes yes I was like crying laughing in the in the shower I was in the shower like 45 minutes like like fucking Kramer yeah I know you go I'm in the shower and I pictured you that scene from Goodfellas where he gets the heist he's like he's hitting the wall yeah I that's what I was picture you doing but just saying Kramer yeah that's it yeah I mean that is so much fun to me and I've spent so much time thinking about the best seasons that anytime is a discussion I'm

like I got it figured out I got you I got it I got I got it all worked out here I know but it really is like five six and seven I don't want to get too deep because a lot of people don't watch it are just the three best seasons of any show fucking ever hands down no doubt about it and it was so organic how it happened because this is like 1130 at night Donnelly just sends out a text like here's a funny line and then you throw out a funny line that I throw out a funny line and then we start going into it and it was it wasn't it was so you know we do so many zooms and podcasts and whatnot it felt fun it felt like a hang

yeah it was really fun and what's amazing and I think we've talked about it before like a couple of schoolgirls but what's amazing is like that show they made that show and we're both here in New York City on the zoom doing a podcast because of it essentially yeah that's the whole thing I know I know I didn't want to say it but as you were we were talking I was like I know this guy I remember I kept thinking that like I know the guy we're talking about that part is the craziest it's crazy I've said it before analyze it it's the most insane thing that's happened in comedy it's insane the TV credits the private jets

the fans is nice and like you know Soder has an HBO special which is crazy and Nate is famous he's like golfing with Mookie Betts but there's nothing more insane than your friends with Seinfeld well friends and quotes but whatever yeah yeah but if I can argue the Louie Netflix hug is up there well the Louie thing is insane that's like the second craziest thing the hug though that's like you're the you're the number one guy that he wants to be with before a special and he hugs you and he kept it in well the Louie thing that I always say that the insanity of the Louie relationship is sometimes he calls and I

go I can't that's crazy level but I think we talked about this on air is like Louie we've looked up to Louie we've idolized Louie since like oh three yeah we were like 20 Seinfeld it's like we were 12 years old and I never as into as Louie as I was I never came home every night and watched two hours of Louie every single night for fucking 10 years right right right and and not till the scandal thing it was he I don't know household name is tough but like my mom didn't know who he was oh really cuz he got real big I mean he was the Oscars and people magazine's Rolling Stone cover and shit he got big but I remember

as a kid going to visit my grandma and we would talk about Seinfeld like did you see the episode where Elaine had her nipple out and all that it was like a thing that our aunts uncles cousins it was like must see TV I mean I'm talking about the final episode 90 million people watched insane that's like a third of the country it's fucking wild and then he ruined it all with B movie but yeah no that's the craziest yeah and also like I mentioned it already but Soder having an HBO special is also fucking bananas that's but it was like Chris Rock and then Soder had we get here yeah wild time is kooky how about

this I went to a party last week oh boy I didn't want to tell you there we go we're all gonna die well I'm starting to loosen my restrictions here you're losing your bus well I just think you're dilating point I mean I've been walking around and doing the whoos but we were saying the other day I'm like what if fucking you and Ari and fucking big dick Rogers all came over here we all watched movies for five hours and then you left what what's gonna happen that's what I'm saying it's one thing with the clubs and the restaurants the travel I get it but like I don't know I'm I feel like we could hang out and

whatever all right I'm coming over all right please do we'll see what's what when that doorbell rings there fatty but so I go to this party I just said I have fucking I had a couple drinks in me and a guy I'm not gonna say his name but he texts me and he lives in Chelsea and I said you know what fucking I'm going over there I walk over there it's in a crazy higher I've never been to his house before it's in a crazy high rise there's a door guy the door guy goes hey you can't come in unless I take your temperature and if it's above a hundred you're not going upstairs interesting I said oh wow well what do I do take take

my pants off do I bend over do I say ah and he goes no no I got a gun and he pointed a gun at my head it took my temperature true story wow what was the temp it was a 98.8 or something nice because some people here's I think you could do some people hold just their temperatures different you can just be like hey just to let you know my run my normal temperatures 99.6 or something just in case all right right because I think some people have weird I remember there's always a guy that's like my temperatures fucking it's true 98 to whatever the fuck yeah he was that cum guzzler that always wore shorts and

winter yes I hate that that's what's up with that guy all right so you got you passed the test I passed the test I go upstairs they're all doing blow they're all drinking it was it was great wow how many people what are we talking six twenty fifty nah six seven wow did you distance or you didn't matter high five in wrestling headlocks noogies wet willy you name it wow goosing credit card check oil change the whole nine and so far you feel good I'm fine I'm telling you I think I had it in January yes well it's like again it sounds like a fucking quite a few of us had this fucking thing yeah yeah who knows we need

that antibody test love an antibody well I'll tell you what another thing we need no we need a team you need a team remember who folks here's something you probably need I get I guarantee you're more stressed and more anxious than you have ever been if you're listening to this you got that right starting to settle down now but if you experience stress or anxiety or chronic pain or you have trouble sleeping I mean I got all that shit once a week I had it every day I'm the Cal Ripken of those things yes well I'm not alone you're not alone many of us have that you probably have gotten yourself some you need some feels CBD is

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learn more and surf safely out there folks surfs up hit them in the face of the surfboard and she didn't even flush think we should change the song or intro ever should we be the ones that just goes straight through with the one thing I think we go straight to people like it they're always asking about I think it's a hit I say we hang on to it yeah I like it too oh oh gee yes I don't know who sang it I don't know where it came from but uh it's it's stuck in people's craw on a good way it's our most asked question is what did this song come from and I have no idea I don't you know care but I wonder what made that guy

a star yeah and he had made a dime office either that's for sure isn't it weird to think that that guy created that he wrote that thing sat in the studio he had the headphones the cans on cats and he was sitting there going you're radio is spitting at me and he felt great he called his mother yeah and now it's the song that thousands of people hear every week and we have no idea who it is no idea and I wonder if he listens even no I can't imagine can't man he seemed like an upright citizen I think it's do you think it's hard to tie our fans down because Sarah and I've been reviewing these foreign films on the

patreon and we got quite a response like we have a lot of people that are well versed in foreign films but then every once in a while you know I'll say Trump's a fat retard and people go I'm never listening to the show again you piece of shit he's the Messiah it's really smart and yeah we got a real chex mix going you know you dip your handy you don't know if you're coming up with a pretzel or a cheese doodle and I think that's good I think I think the glue that bonds all our cum-guzzling Nazis is the fact that we're irreverent I think irreverent is the key you smart people like irreverent and dumb people

it's like the Simpsons yes it's a smart really written show the character development's great it's a joke a minute but it's also a fat guy drinking beer on a couch farting yeah we're farting in the mic I think we're pretty smart we read some things you're reading Brad Garrett's bio god but we equate in the in society we equate farting with dumb but you can be smart and fart smart we're smart enough to know that farts are funny aha which is also why I think Louie works what do you mean because he far well no he's got these brilliant takes the world then he talks about jizzing on the corpse you mean works as in like

succeeds I think many works like he gets paid to do work yeah a little about the yeah yeah yeah I think so so we got but I think we got some like highly intelligent people I think we got some fucking morons and we got everything in between that's what I want I feel like we have kind thoughtful fans for the most part yes our fans aren't going out and trolling anybody and writing on people's walls hey fuck you whatever they're just nice I mean they'll get defensive in our behalf which is nice right also we're we're kind of every man you know we're not tough guy we're not hot guy we're not fat guy we're not short guy we're a

little bit like we're a little in the mid we're in the gooey mid yeah I'm a lanky herpy guy yeah you're lanky herp I'm a brillo headed Jew face quiff and you know you got a fingerprint on your dog and I got a I got a birthmark on mine we're all over the road yeah it's nice well we thank you for listening keep spreading the word and ever sometimes I get surprised by people that are a Tuesdays I can't believe it and then do you ever have someone said someone that you really respect and like and you think is smart and intelligent fun and then they're like hey I love the podcast don't

you just go oh my god and you go through everything you've said oh oh yeah totally but someone says I listen to the podcast all I think is I'm like this person's heard me talk about eating come out of my father's ass 500 times yeah I had a kid I think I might have talked about this but this kid drove me home from the stand it was raining and he's like I'm a fan I was like oh great and he's like he got into his Camry and I go how about a ride he goes sure and he starts playing the pot in the car it was it was queued up and I was like oh weird and you just want to turn it off it's weird you know and he's like I'm a

huge fan he was Asian and I go well is there anything you don't like about it goes you're a little hard on Asians oh boy well yeah we really let him have it yeah and I said I do have a hard on for Asians and he didn't care for that so it's weird because he loves it but as an Asian guy he was like I feel like he guys go hard on the on the chicks yeah well good for him for listening we love the kid he's a sweet kid he drove me home horrible driver but I just felt bad at that moment it's one thing you get a tweet but when they tell you it's sitting next to you while he's got his hand on the wheel and a throwing star it's a

little off-putting well we got a lot well what's our toes Helen is it Helen that's always tweeting there with the I don't want to give out her thing Helen Hong I think her name's Helen I might have made that up ladies comes to all the New York show she tweets at us every day she's sweet as pie Helen a big apple pie I think her name's Helen I can't remember though I don't know Helen Helen back I think it's it's yeah well yeah well I don't want to say her name out there but I think it's Helen but anyways we got some we got a black couple black women we got two black guys and yeah yeah we got a couple

Negro black we got a couple gays we got a really great got a lot of homosexuals a lot of comics too which is nice big fan that's that's respect yeah a lot of surprise gays closeted gays I think but then I wonder did the comics like us because we're talking the road or is it do they think it's funny or both I think both I think they liked the inside business and they like the jokes and all right I hope so you know you never know it's a tough world out there and I gotta tell you I want to go on a plane don't you isn't it weird I missed the app I opened my Delta app and I didn't even recognize it because I've never had

the app where I didn't have a flight coming up right usually open it says your next flight is there and usually when you open our we open our apps it says Milwaukee St. Louis L.A. and you can click on any one yes never had no itineraries before in my whole life that's true and I was thinking this last night this is the longest I haven't been in a hotel in my entire adult life wow isn't that weird it's very weird I miss checking in I miss I miss flying I can't believe I'm saying that I woke up the other day and I thought I was in a hotel for a second I had to like snap out of it I think is my brain is so used

to waking up at hotels that it it it kind of went to a different place it's strange it makes oh no I'm good nevermind sorry every time we record our individual zooms when you're talking my zoom isn't doing anything so I'm like fuck it's not recording but you're not talking to my zoom good point anyways but yeah we were watching some movie last night and they were checking into a hotel and I was like I miss hotels that was our whole life I know it's crazy I just go on how about going to a restaurant I'd kill I'd kill to sit down in a restaurant and I was is this thing about watching curb the whole premise

of curb is basically interactions it's the hotel clerk the guy at the mall the restaurant the waiter the cabbie that's all gone yeah you can't do a show there's no quarantine show but podcast work this is what's amazing about the art like podcast but we're talking about how there's nothing to talk about right it's weird we're making work yeah well what can you do tonight I think we might do we're trying to keep the weekend weekendy so we're gonna we might get a pizza I got the cookie by the way I ordered more Antoine's cookies oh I'm jealous I got a box wow you can do it make it happen the shipping's a little pricey oh well

that's not their fault that's the shipping yeah we got the cookies yesterday and it comes in that beautiful fucking box and I want to make it clear we do we don't get any commission if you buy Antoine's cookies I'm telling you to buy Antoine's cookies because I want your life to be happy yes it'll improve with these cookies I mean they're top-notch cooks every flavor you can ask for I got all chocolate chip it's like a Macaulay Culkin what does Kevin McAllister just gets the large cheese just for himself that's what I did I went all chocolate chip and all of a sudden it come and Sarah starts poking her nose around I'm

gonna have a cookie get out of here piggy I kicked her right in the cunt I said order your own cookies you son of a bitch and put some jeans on I might put them in the blender I mean these are these are cookies they're cookies and boy you feel it you chewing those up and you feel you feel every stick of butter every grain of sugar it's the divine well I've never chewed anything so slowly in my life because I wanted to last oh yeah we we got sushi last night we said fuck she's been cooking like a like an old house and word and I felt bad you know like I said you know what I'm just deposited some checks I'm gonna buy you

takeout boy they rape you on that takeout my god they upcharge the hell out of you it's brutal and everyone's like Matt they like if you're not tipping 85 bucks to these guy and I'm like alright I guess I mean they're still doing the same job they got masks on they wear gloves I go out that's a good point so I mean I tip obviously but this whole thing everyone wants to stay every we always talking about this but like everything's black and white up and down good or bad they're like if you ride your bike and you fucking after five o'clock you're a piece of shit I'm like what I know I know they go too far and

it's the moral superiority thing again they want to feel better they want to seem better than you yeah I'm like I tip 20% I appreciate it there yeah and you might argue they got a job they're working aha I can't even go to work I don't even have an option I think there's a hint of elitism there of like hey they're delivery guys they're fucking brown throw them a couple extra you know they have guilt so they put it on you yeah I say tip nor don't tip less obviously tip normal and if you have the extra funds throw a couple extra bucks in but I got no fucking job over here well my point is we got the sushi last

night because we were like let's get something you can't make so we got sushi and you know you get a couple rolls the whole thing came out to 60 bucks and I'm like well I guess I'll go eat out of the fridge now because you're not full yeah that sucks I've done that a couple times myself but it's the same same deal like you know I don't want to get too financially gay here but we were doing pretty well before this yeah and I haven't thought about money on a low level in a couple years I think about money of like savings can I buy a house if something happens health insurance the dentist is expensive but as far as like

renting a movie taking a cab getting delivery it hasn't even been a concern I just go I just put it on fucking we're doing all right right because we work every week I mean you and I on the road every single week oh yeah so that's a good now I'm like getting takeout I'm like I know three dollars because before all that money got replaced if you spend right you spent 25 bucks on dinner you do a spot 25 bucks you're even we did spots every night so Steven yeah you do a couple spots you're 60 bucks 75 bucks up you got the dinner you spend 50 you're still up exactly so I feel like a kid again I feel like I'm 25 over here it's

not fun no it's not I'm realizing it's not fun not having an income well you took the money out I mean you're back to 25 without the booze yes so you took all the fun part out you took all the bad part back if I was boozing I mean this would be the word this is actually like a dream come true in my drinking days yeah to have everything shut down because the problem with drinking is you're like everyone else's work and everyone else is doing anything this is like everyone's evil I mean even I'd be drinking all day right oh god it's hard man I got these bottles at me I drink at night every night I have a couple cocktails but it's

hard not to go that's noon fuck it that's how I feel with the cookies I woke up at 1030 I'm like I got 15 Antoine's cookies sitting there waiting to go in my ass and I'm just counting down until I have my two cookies and that last 40 seconds and then you're back to nothing again I know I know we need to be busy I'm the same way we go by groceries you spend 200 clams you fill up the fridge you open the fridge and you go all right I guess I'll eat that whole box of waffles and how about the dishes doing dishes twice a day my hands are all cut up they're bleeding I'm dry I mean I've never done so many dishes I feel

like I'm working at a mess hall like I'm doing community service here it's crazy I'm piling up I got a rag over one shoulder I'm wiping my brow it's brutal how about the double dish when there's no dishes available so you wash the dishes then you cook and then you're like I guess I'll do the dishes so I don't have to deal with this again I got a dish sandwich right that's worse than the double dip it's dish cooked dish yes that's my favorite Asian restaurant and it's the it's the worst because you put the dish away you dry you put it away you feel good and then the lady eats something and uses the dish I'm like

God just use the use of napkin use a license plate something it reminds me of I remember reading that Larry David used to have one plate and fork yeah I had that when I was in college but and we got all these plastic as Sarah just keeps the plastic utensil every time we get takeout which I used to be four times a day so we're gonna we might just start using the plastic and just rifling through the plastic bullshit plastic especially I like if you like oh we got ten days left go all plastic and it levels out because you're like you don't use all the plastic shit because the environment but nobody's

moving anywhere the fish are fucking in the streets this dolphins on Fifth Avenue crazy you saw that that coyote in a hole in Chicago no I didn't see the coyote in Chicago am I I might be going senile I might have brought this up with this there's a shot of Chicago is like a week ago that's a coyote running down magnificent mile no kidding he's looking at me what is it the miracle mile is it my miracle call it oh I can't remember it's definitely an alliteration magnificent doesn't sound right it's too it didn't I needed an M they have the loop I know they got the loop there they got the loop and they got the Al Capone and that

the L is dry Lake Shore Drive I know that's big Lake Shore Drive is big and they got Wicker Park and then they got the Drake the big building Drake like from Seinfeld Drake Hotel Chicago Mission Impossible love Seinfeld Ebert Ebert Siskel Chicago's big you got you got a Kanye and you got Bill Murray and you got Obama and you got Oprah oh yeah Elliot Ness Al Capone the Blues brothers a lot of good stuff to baseball teams yeah the Blues Jordan yes yes why did you watch that fucking doc what the Jordan doc I can't find it oh what's not what you probably have ESPN plus yeah or you're gonna have cable I got

minus oh man it's something else but there Jordan's like yeah everyone's gonna think I'm a bad person after this I'm like not me that guy could rape all my parents right in front of me I'd love it he'd do it if you put them on a craps table he had a great quote he goes everyone that watches this is gonna think I'm a tyrant but those people never want anything I heard he was a douche yeah but he's so fucking great I love it don't give it away but didn't his dad die on the side of the highway by a couple of mobsters well we haven't got to that point of the dock yet because it's 10 hours they're only two hours in

oh wow but it's all that the big rumor is that it's a gambling debts like just happy to be that Michael Jordan's dad gets fucking shot to death I wonder if they were just just kind of eye like shadowing him most likely wow wonder what his dad was like cuz you know what I watched last night that you that I recommend throwing back on is talking funny which one's that oh that's the HBO one they got and that just got they tried to cancel him again recently I saw that's why I watched it and it's great like Louis says the n-word eight times Louis and Seinfeld going back and forth cuz it was Louis was still the new

guy then right but he was big he was big but he was like the youngest and they talked about him opening for Seinfeld and he said Seinfeld yelled at him and I went yeah it's not just me yeah cuz I think Louis brought him up as like he's the funniest guy this guy's the best comic or something yeah it's fascinating watching it now it's it it feels it's like when he said watching comedian you watch comedian now versus 10 years ago it's a whole other movie sorry we're getting a we're getting a text from the producer here oh that's not good oh wow so this is like a this is like a call-in Shelby just called in what one guy

killed his dad another helped him get rid of the body and the non-murderer is still wrongly in jail how about that who what huh I assume this is about Seinfeld's parents oh all right no I think it's the Jordan thing oh oh a guy killed his dad another guy helped get rid of the body and that the guy who didn't kill him is in jail why wrongfully good good contribution Shelby Shelby wait what were we talking about it's a different movie now how so well I mean not to keep bringing it up but now you know the the CK man pretty well and I know the big Jew and now seeing it from those eyes is way different

like when that came out was it 2012 2013 so I think around there yeah I mean I was that was seven years ago that was we were in a whole different lifestyle yeah completely I was in a room that was 14 feet by seven feet I could touch both walls in my bedroom there you go one time so now you watch you go I know that guy and I had dinner with that guy to diner when your thing came out or when your thing got shot so like the whole thing's different and like I've had a little moment with your face or two and Chris rocks whatever so it felt different yeah it's pretty wild I mean that thing I remember like blowing my

mind that they're gonna have comedians talking on it because I feel like podcasts weren't huge yes that's right or maybe they were getting big but the idea of like four comics talking was really something it was my and those cuz they picked a good batch it wasn't like we're gonna have Fluffy and Larry the cable guy crack it up together you know it wasn't that bullshit it was like some good choices well I think Jervais put it together if I'm not mistaken and they zing him quite a bit did he do the whistle right yeah it's too much I remember that but yeah that is that's good stuff maybe I'll rewatch that soon I

just bought the on upon Tuesday's requests I bought the criterion channel ah which is this movie channel it's got like thousands of movies art house foreign films documentaries commentaries it's wild it's overwhelming all right let me know what you think there so I'm Joe rifling through that I'm so bad with money it was a hundred bucks I'll take it and I'm such an idiot that I'm like it's a hundred bucks but now we get free movies I consider them free but I already paid a hundred dollars right right isn't that funny how that works my my mom is is a member of that master class jizz you know that thing oh yeah

yeah master ass well she let me watch a few and they're pretty good yeah they seem like fun how long is it 10 hours to half hour there's a zillion of them but there's like Charlie Kaufman on writing Steve Martin on comedy whoever the fuck on Sam Mendy's on directing and each one has a good little nugget they're probably each like three hours each wow is there Brad Garrett or do you got to read the book the book was better you got to go book boy that headshot show me that headshot again oh man how about that huh it's so hard to pull off a head shot that doesn't look ridiculous the problem is the goofy too goofy is bad

and then the too tough is bad you know this one like oh the tough or okay or the pontificating you know like yeah it's really bad I mean there's just the eyebrow thing sucks I can't even do that but what are you the rock remember there was a comic it was like an open miker up in Boston he was like I thought about having my head shot be my pit bull he's got a pit bull he's like no one's ever done that before and I'm like yeah cuz that's not your face right see what you look like yeah what do you do we need you for the website it's such a dumb mind so I'm like I'm gonna get an 8 by 10 of the inside of my asshole and have

that be my headshot right and he's not even known as like there's already the pit bull of comedy yeah and also pit bull suck I don't want a pit bull it's a dumb nickname is that sleep yeah yeah yeah the pit bull get out of here shut up I know what is that tough guy shit like are you funny or you're not funny stop trying to threaten me and he is funny just be the funny guy I know I know but I don't know dice fuck that up I think yeah it's weird but yeah what are you gonna do I gotta I gotta read this Brad Garrett book I'll tell you that that seems like fun I'm reading Woody's book oh nothing I heard it's great I'm loving

it I mean I am just in there loving it I had to order it from England because they don't fucking sell it anywhere from England that's insane it because he got canceled or whatever because he's canceled he raped a couple kids or whatever but he's still very funny but here's crazy and I don't want to get you know political whatever but the whole publishing company walked out like they did a big walk out and so they dropped the book but you're like you work at a publishing company and you want to ban books oh that seems a little bizarre to me also book business and you're like no way this guy shouldn't be allowed to

have a book right but isn't that strange and you knew who he was it's not like he did he didn't rape the Asian chick last week you know like they knew he was signing up well I guess that the higher up signed him and then it was all the employees were the ones that were like we're walking out if you guys want to they kind of strike I see but it just seems a little bit along the lines of banning books maybe uh maybe I'm ignorant but it seems a little fascist to me it's an interesting take I like I like where you're coming from that's interesting yeah you got something there but the book is fantastic and I

understand Woody's a bad guy or whatever but I love his writing the great artist I was I read that Larry David New York Times piece and like what do you read now he's like I'm reading the look of the Woody book it's amazing and then I read the comments and all these people like I loved it till he mentioned he read the Woody book now I'm out like you're out because he's reading a book what are we doing yeah man yeah if you catch me reading the the Koran are you gonna leave me yeah has your mother said that yet I don't know she doesn't think it's that funny so I think it's gold it'd be fun to take the jacket off the

brad Garrett and put it on a copy of the Koran that's true yeah little book a job Messiah well I might have to start to wrap up soon because it's 7 p.m. which 658 my wife is doing a zoom with her family and I'm like if my mother-in-law overhears me talking about coming in my dad's face again I'm gonna be out of the family wait you guys aren't double dipping are you what do you mean like your family and her family no I'm in the other room I'm doing the podcast over here and I'm so nervous that she's gonna be on the air and she's gonna it's gonna bleed through the walls I see and she's gonna be like oh how's Joe doing you

just hear me go so I came in her tits and made her eat it yeah good point good point we've already we've trashed Asians enough they've heard it you don't want to do that in front of them but yeah man it's fucking weird it's the weekend I'm gonna eat some Antoine's cookies you might get some Chinese food or maybe some pizza and my reflux I'm just gonna have to have throat cancer I think I don't know yeah yeah I get it I might order another box as well I miss them already yeah get a box what would you lady just come home I heard some keys jingling yeah yeah say hello hey may hey hey nice to see you oh yeah I can't

hear him it is you know that oh whatever good boy may may the force be with you may the what it was just a may pun I don't know the fourth be with you force be with you yeah I was just may the names may nice to see you buddy you look great thank you you take care was that for me or her whatever all right take it easy get well soon you look ill I get a little nervous in the weekends take it easy there see you next week talking to me yeah oh oh that's the end all right yeah all right we praise everybody all right thanks we love you I think Mark got in trouble oh geez all right good night everybody thanks for listening come back

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