Tuesdays with Stories! - #348 A Real Micro

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

We're here and we're queer as Joe enjoys a very gay movie, Mark shares an old tale from London, and we answer some of your questions. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: TUESDAYS) & Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: TUESGAYS) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy all right let's go hey we're live we're on this is the podcast folks it's Tuesday and we're still here we ain't going nowhere no Surrey Bob we're here

to stay and we're gay we're sucking dicks we're super gay and I just want to get right into it because I've been dying to talk to you about this please fatty lay it on me sit on my face now some people if you're on the patreon you've heard about this already through for a foreign film which people are really enjoying by the way Sarah doing a series called foreign film and what is that poop what is that is that a curse word well it's alliteration the foreign film for top secret we got all the patrons are keeping it a nice secret that we're using this word brazenly I love that that's a great idea not brazenly we're

using it in a cute punny manner but sure the if you're on the patreon you've already heard about this I also talked about it oh we talked about it on the live Instagram see we did talk about it haha yes I talked about the Instagram live we watched all that we watched a film called stranger by the lake and I'll tell you a little something about this stranger he likes to suck dick most strangers do I hear not the strangers up and meeting where you you gotta move out of the village I went to I went on a hitchhiking phase for a while and really got into it I mean the Astoria strangers they don't suck any dicks they just yell

Greek at you the nice stranger to do that I guess so they say don't talk to strangers but if they're gonna suck my dick maybe I'll start you happen well this movie we so we got the criterion collection which is I haven't I haven't not ventured off of criterion since I bought it yes I'm watching nothing but black and whites firehouse movies the whole the whole works student films short films with with the foreign film and the criteria you've gone full buff you're you're in a turtleneck you're in a director's chair you got one of those big horns a beret yeah I mean I've been a pedophile for a long time but now I'm

like really getting in there you know oh yeah some of the best filmmakers are oh Polanski the other guy yeah yeah Spielberg John Hughes big pedophile that's what killed him don't you big conservative too but that's neither is that right oh yeah oh I didn't know that I guess that makes sense because he's so all-american you know Ferris Bueller and all that shit pretty in pink it's very Americana yeah and kind of an asshole I heard too but those two things go hand in hand hi hi everybody you can tweet at me at Joe list comedy but anyway so we're scanning through the flicks and I see just a head a face in a lake because

you go by the icon a lot you're like that seems interesting yeah it's called stranger by the lake which is intriguing I'm like who I like a murder thriller you like a murder I love a murder I think M is for murder I think murder is like the best a thriller is good but murder is the best motivation in a film and you got true crime and all that shit you got to love murder well just see when I see thriller I'm right away I'm interested I'm in I like the category I like the music video I just love thriller good so yeah that's why you know you write a script it's all conflict but a murder boom perfect conflict you got a revenge

now you got to figure out who did it there's so many ways to go with the murder love a death plus you have you a lot of movies psycho is one that most comes to mind you're kind of rooting for the murder to get away with it you're like I'm gonna get caught this is big I remember when I was a kid we were watching jumping jack flash we didn't have a lot going on as a family I think that's a whoopee Goldberg joint whoopee Goldberg yes she's coming off the motorcycle on the cover yeah yeah big dike and she actually she wasn't a lesbian was she I think she's a lesbian she boned Ted dancing quite a few times I think they

were married yes huh she reeks of les but maybe maybe not either way she with the opening scene is her robbing a house and the guys are coming home and she's like trying to get out of there and I was like come on whoopee get out of there was a little kid my dad's like why you root for her she's robbing him and I was like oh yeah I was so dumb I was a dumb kid well she's the star I mean you recognize the star you root for the star I guess so but he's got a point like he related to the Robby I really black yeah well that's interesting yeah and we got robbed a lot as a kid so I he was right yeah he was you know PTSD yeah exactly

Peter Travis sucking dick hey Peter tits sucking dick that's good well anyway so let's let's check it out so we read the biopsy or whatever the fuck and it says um thriller it says hitch cocky in and so now little telegraphing this cock is right in there but it says hitch cocky in psychological thriller and psychological I just I love psychology I love a thriller and I love cock so I said this might be the movie for us and it's about Frank and Michael or French Frank it's like FRA and CK they got an extra Frank Frank and Mikael and so it says and sexual obsession so I think it might be a little gay but I like a gay

film you know call me by your name I jerked off to and what's it a big mama's house I like and yeah what's that other one broke back anal and that's what my big gays well broke back is one of my favorite pictures of all time Ellen was a fine show and sure will it grace yeah so so we put it on and when I say this movie is a gay film it's a gay porn really watched a gay porn now I had never seen this before this is a hard dick coming you ever see a close up of a hard cock coming with another man's hand on it many times I went to camp but yeah no that's it's in a film that's crazy like we've all seen a porn we've

all seen a Saturday night but in a movie well every time I come I close my eyes and look away so I've never actually seen a dick just shooting a load and you don't expect it because you're watching and you're shocked because it's a big hard rod and a big man hand around it and you go oh that's crazy they're showing a dick close up and then pop goes the weasel a hot load goes flying right into the lens wow I imagine that sorry I drop my popcorn well you got some extra butter but imagine that in a 3d I'll put some glasses on for that one now I don't want to mislead the general public that's not butter that's semen

but here's the thing though that means that guy that actor had to pop on film that there was a crew a boom guy a lighting guy the lady with the script supervisor the craft service my god the heat yeah they're all standing around fronk you know busting a nut a new well frankly it was it was a beautiful site but I just have never watched that happen before but we've been noticing and and again the patreons already have heard about this these foreign films they have full intercourse like we're watching all the your ghost movies and penetration cut you just watch them like they're having sex with each other

wow which I guess if you're an actor like you're making out that's that's standard and to me making out is more intimate than sex I mean if you're penetrating I don't know well I've never been a woman before but I'd rather have your dick in my ass for a couple days then make out for five minutes that works for me but I don't know man I mean what is it about America why are we so weird about sex we got this puritanical thread running through our culture they turn on porn at 8 p.m. the whole family watches it over oatmeal and cigarettes and we think sex is this kooky dookie devil's work well I think

a big part of it is all the reformed Christianity that hardcore Christian thing of like we can't have that because we happen with the language back in the day right we've talked about before politically those sides have sort of switched in a lot of ways yeah that's true and but even like you know you watch some show and they blur out the nipple but they'll show like fear factor will show a guy eaten dog shit and then puking but then they'll blur out a nipple on a woman and you're like well the nipple is nice the puking is gross it's very strange yeah it is but I mean every we've watched I think 25 foreign films

now and almost everyone has tits and they're not it's not like um take my breath away like a slow motion black and white beautiful tit it's just like a chick brushing her teeth with their tits out you know yes and we've seen the heads of about nine cocks they show a cock like willy-nilly wow the hangover is like the first time you saw a little dick on screen the Asian dong we never saw dicks until I started watching the Forans I remember wild things has Kevin Bacon's dong for just a second and my girlfriend at the time was like finally we get some dog in a movie and Pulp Fiction you see Willis's cock just a

sliver of it when he's yeah after he eats out the retard he's showering oh that's right just a second he's like give me a towel you can see just a little bit of a dangly bald cock yeah and forgetting Sarah Marshall has a has a decent hog from Jason Siegel or whatever Seaman whatever his name is but he's packing so I guess this has been some dicks but I'm talking full penetration porn but anyways back to Stranger by the Lake this is one of the best films I've ever seen come on I mean well I mean relatively if you're doing like all the movies I've seen I've seen 10,000 movies it's in the top 250 maybe

all right all right well you never hear about this is it old is it new is it gay is it blue something borrowed it's blue for sure yeah but I think it's 2013 from France and it's called a queer film and it all takes place in one location it's a cruising lake they're all on the beach and it's just I mean like tons of gay stuff and like hardcore fucking wait you know holding both the ankles up like yeah yeah and then there's like what do you call it cuckolds that come over and they jerk off and watch not cuckolds voyeurs oh I would do that lot of voyeurism and like sometimes they're like it's like shouldn't listen like get

out this is our place let me see your papers they're stuck together but it's really fascinating now let me ask you this there fatty are there a lot of women in the movie there is zero women there's not one single woman in the movie now you see that's interesting because if a person makes a comedy with no women everybody goes oh there's no women it's a bunch of misogynist but if a gay guy makes a movie with no women it's still not they don't get in trouble I guess because they're gay it's the different repressed people I guess so the whole thing's topsy-turvy if you ask me I mean if you want women how you got

to have women you got to yell at them too yeah you could make a movie with 45 black guys no women know whatever no one's gonna be like where's the broads right right isn't that weird if it's almost like two oppressions can't fight each other but if it's a bunch of dudes who are straight you can it's very the rules are very kooky with the cancelling yeah it's kooky but I mean I'm telling you this this is a film you should check out now some people might and I've said this I see this on the IG live I understand like people there's people that are like I can't watch broke back mountain you're like oh dude get

over it just watch this great movie yeah this movie if people like I can't watch that I'm like I get it yeah this is some hardcore like if it was heterosexual you'd be like this movie is too graphic wow it's lips on a dick hot load shooting I mean ass pounding 69ing ah it's really something I mean my wife was she jerked off four times she had her shoe in her taut loving it yeah wow that's a big Jordan but it's it's tough because I don't know the gay sex it's a little more jarring I hate to say it I don't I don't we got a lot of gay listeners but that gay bone and it's it's a little more aggressive but a 69 for

gays I think is way more it works better well a 69 with a man and a woman I feel like a gay a man-on-man 69 is it makes more sense technically I disagree completely because the cock the guy on top his cock is gagging that guy and it's bent down where the pussy like the woman's in like a regular dick sucking position just flipped around but she's on her hands and knees and can get in there pussy the the beef is just right there you got the both levels you can steer that asshole right in the eye I guess you're right but some I feel like sometimes I'm reaching with my neck for that clam I can't get to it it's a bit of

a sit-up yeah I see me in there it's a sit-up the gay 69 you can keep your head resting on the pillow yes that dick is bent at a bad angle though well that's a bad dick and it is it should be bent no cuz a hard dick is like facing north yeah you got to pull it southeast to get it in the mouth right I guess so that the hard dick is like is hiling yes like if you're looking from a side angle that dick should be like this but the mouth you got to bend it down here and it's hard to go up and down your boner doesn't go to the sky not in a 69 position oh yeah right up right right right okay I got some inertia or whatever that

word means that takes it down a little bit yeah gershia but I get a hard dick it's it's hard same same it's a beauty well we'll get to that when we get to the ads I was gonna yeah I had a pause for the ad I was like well I'll save it but I'm hard right now either way this movie you gotta you gotta see it folks if you don't mind if first of all how about this if you're gay and you love gay section you're turned on by it this movie is like this is like gold oh yeah imagine a porn with twists and turns oh you get everything you don't know what you get the trailer you get yes yes I'm I'm love you get the thriller you get the

murder you get the fun you get the narrative the conflict and the the railing and the guy is hot the the the the the ne'er do well or he is a smoke show yeah then the Sarah like because I know some girls they're like he's hot but he's gay so I don't know what do you mean I think she's the opposite I think she was I was gay yeah I think yeah you know it'd be a better relationship how do you if you were a gay guy who happened to not mind penetrating some gash I feel like you're good to go because you get the gay connection you go shopping you can decorate you can giggle you can go up for champagne Coolies but you also get

to get plowed right well here's the thing that's interesting and I can I can see where it comes from is a little bit like women I think are turned a lot of women I've found of from what I've researched have done are turned on by men fucking they're hot you got two guys having sex right because it's it's like we talk about with two lesbians two of the things you like right but they are almost universally and emphatically turned off by their own guy doing something gay yes yes hundred percent with you there like I think Sarah seeing two guys fuck is like this weird like damn it's like second it gives you a

little butterfly but if she walked in on me fucking sucking your balls I mean should never stop vomiting that's true yeah you're right that's a great point I just think well gay sex is so masculine like it's grunty it's just bush on bush with rods and holes and balls swinging it's so much it's so much more masculine and you know we I'm on top of my girl it's missionary I'm jizzing you know I'm crying it's not as it's not as manly yeah I agree it's hot I mean gay sex is really something Ira my friend Ira practice comedian used to have a bit about he's like if you think about it that's like the manliest thing you can

do there you go spit on a tight hairy ass and fucking ram it in there oh yeah I'm sure sorry no you go you go I'm sure they kind of compete like it's too dude just plowing each other it's almost like a sport oh completely yeah but I think also we have to say this because we do have a lot of gay listeners and they're probably they can call in gays there's a lot of gay men and we've talked about this before and people can take their drink now because I say that a lot I guess but a lot of gay men never fucking the ass yes that's right it's a myth it's a misconception that all these gay guys are having dick because everyone's

like well how could you have a dick in your butt how do you even walk and blah blah yeah there's guys that have been gay for 30 years like I don't I don't put dicks in my butt I fucking blow guys or they you know hand jobs or whatever yeah which I totally get because it doesn't look fun but I feel like if I was a gay guy I would just do it out of we ran out of thing you know I blow you you blow me I jerk you off you jerk me off we make out I lick your nip I lick your ass we're done that's 10 minutes I need to I need put some of my ass just out of boredom yeah I mean I feel that way as a heterosexual right day 48 of

quarantining I'm sticking you know rubber gloves in my ass I couldn't yeah you got there the remote control up there you sit down you hit mute you know like it's fun it just it's another hole it's something new yeah but I I would recommend this this picture and then this happened I I love movie posters I got a bunch and I just I'm a big fan of the the art form and so is Sarah so I look up every movie I watch I want to buy the poster so we love the movie so much I look at the poster great poster everybody go Google strangers stranger with a lake poster yeah I just looked at it it's colorful and it's two guys

kissing and I was like I don't mind that that's all right you know I'm a progressive guy so I buy it and then I look closer and I didn't notice there's all these little tiny guys naked with their little dicks out in the background like so I got a poster with two big heads making out and a bunch of little dicks geez they really went for it with the poster huh that that's got to be in a movie house somewhere and that just sitting on the wall it's gonna be but down in Europe over in Europe they don't give a fuck I guess so I think it's that conservative Christian they don't really have that as much they don't have that

but I don't know what age does a kid go mommy look at the dicks and the mom goes ah fuck it let him see it like where's the cutoff well they're little the little guy they're little like Lego guys oh it's okay and there it's a painting so it's not like just dicks everywhere I got you boy if I was a Lego guy my dick would be so tiny yeah that's a that's a real micro oh yeah cuz the person is micro so the dick would have to be just one of those little those little round notches on the Lego that would be my dick just a little yeah is there Lego porn there must be Lego porn oh if there's not that might be something for the patreon Lego

porn that's big that is big yeah you get the the Lego man and the one Lego lady with the hair that snaps on that's good well well since we're talking about sex maybe we should talk a little bit about our advertisers oh yeah let's do it because sex is getting a little funky is it not it's dried up it's a sahara over here yeah it's a little strange here as well so I want to tell you how Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by blue chew the first chewable dick pill now we're having a nice time we're making videos we're making things and we're still turned on but it's like we talked about there's a lot of sweat

pants going on a lot of pizza eating yeah just a lot of coveching I'm crying I'm sharing feelings so it's hard to get into that mood not to mention all the gay porn in the background exactly so I think I think it's time for me to start reaching for a blue chew oh yeah while we're all stuck at home what's something we could all use a little more of human contact but also sweet sweet love making is a stress reliever don't you know yes with you you'll be keeping your love one at a healthy distance six inches away if you're lucky right folks something you can let into your house is blue chew get yourself some blue chew folks order

it up they'll deliver it right to your door you chew it and you're ready to rock pretty soon after is that correct you've dabbled haven't you I took it two days ago and I've been fibbing here we actually banged this morning and it was pretty hot and heavy on my end she kind of got the short end of the penis but yeah we I take it every I take it at night because it lasts a long time so I take it at night we'll bang at night and then I wake up with a fucking rager and so I just plop that thing in there in the morning and ruin the sheets but I love this stuff it stays in your system it works right away it's chewable so you

don't have to like sit there and go when to kick it in you chop that thing up swallow it you're like Superman and I gotta say it's FDA approved and prescription required but it takes like two seconds you do a quick little video thing and you're you're in baby they send it right to your house it's in it comes in these individual packages I keep one on me all the time just in case you never know when you're gonna be a Toys R Us and need a quick romp so yeah love blue chew right now we got a special deal for our listeners visit blue chew calm and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays and you

pay five bucks for shipping that's it that's B L U E chew calm promo code Tuesdays to try it for free blue chew calm wow I highly highly recommend that finally website then give you an erection and of course speaking of our our dick and balls you need something to house them once you're down having sex you want your do you find your balls after you come they come all the way down and they feel they're very extra tender yes yes it's almost like they're they've they've been through some emotional trauma and they need some distance exactly their social distancing from your cock which is all

sticky and you're gonna need a nice pair of panties and I gotta tell you this is no fib but I am wearing these underwear right now she's underwear we love these undies and the the the fella that runs the company he sent us some he sent Sarah this is not just for the men he sent Sarah a sports bra and some undies like some like boy shorts and she's she looks hot in them what yeah she looks great and I got some fresh undies it's brought to you by sheath sheath underwear that's right sh e a th these are killer killer panties love them what makes sheath underwear different simple sheath underwear has a special two pouch

compartment that keeps your nuts in a hut and your pecker packed away it's a duplex for your two best friends we got them and I got a camouflage pair turned on by that I think she think because I shave my head I got camouflage panties yeah I'm a little chubby conservative it's nice don't hate it when you go for a walk and your dick don't you hate it when you go for a walk and your dick and balls are loudly clacking against one another I do well sheath underwear cradles your junk like a mama gorilla holding her precious newborn baby yikes it's got the comfort of a boxer brief with the

support of a jockstrap all of their powers none of their weaknesses you love this stuff don't you love the sheath I got a whole drawer full I'd like to get some of those boy shorts for the lady in a sports bra by the way I wouldn't mind watching her prance around in one of those puppies but yeah big fan love sheath they feel good that's a good fabric I don't know that's silky kind of stretchy fun stuff your balls can breathe your balls have support big fan of the sheath so that's sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesday support this show by supporting them get sheet underwear and let them support your

balls thank you I needed some support this morning I went for a long long run with Sarah we ran over to Roosevelt Island you ever spend any time there I don't picture you on Roosevelt I went there once just out of curiosity I was like what the fuck is it and I went over there and it's pretty boring and there was one big hospital and I went back it's strange it feels like a complete bizarro world because it's technically Manhattan they could say Manhattan and if you're not familiar first of all for 25 years maybe you're the same I thought Eddie Murphy was from there haha Roosevelt Long Island he's from Roosevelt

Long Island and for like years I was like Eddie Murphy's from here and he's not but there's a stop on the F just for Roosevelt Island yeah there's one subway stop and then they have the tram which right if you saw spider-man I think he saves a kid or something oh that's right yeah it's it's boring right there's a couple apartments and there's a big hospital it used to be where they kept the the lunatics it was a nut job island yes and there's we ran out there today there's a what was the big fucking thing that killed everybody smallpox there's a smallpox hospital and it's all mostly destroyed but there's some what do

you call that when there's a little bit left remnants residue no resin no no of a building like yes yes there's like the ruins of a smallpox hospital they got it all fenced up it looks like a fucking haunted house crazy thing wow and there's a whole new park out there like a big there's a big I lose words FDR a bust there's a bus of FDR yeah oh a bust yeah it's a big busty head it's a pair of tits I like a bust yeah drug bust yeah I I don't get the island feels like they're not utilizing it well you got this cool island in between Manhattan and Brooklyn or Manhattan and Queens and there's nothing going on there they

should have a party there or like a rave or a foam party some ecstasy something well I think they like it that way it's all grassy I think it's like a place to raise a family in I guess is there room I think so yeah there's a couple ball fields a soccer field a baseball field all right all right well it's like a little suburb in the middle of hell I feel 80 for saying ball field who says yeah yeah I joined the ball club but anyways great run five miles and those cherry blossoms are blossoming and just fucking lovely so feeling pretty good well can I can I throw this nugget right down your sphincter and see what comes

of it yes please so I've been doing these dumb zoom shows you know when you do comedy and everybody is awkward and it glitches up and you freeze and you ruin a punchline and your timings off but got a shout out to the comedy seller they put on a zoom and she Liz hit me up because you want to do it and I go yeah whatever what am I doing it was amazing really a show a show I don't know how they did it they had at least 30 people watching so you could see all the windows of people in their apartment drinking wine sitting on the couch hugging cuddling under a blanket and that was the crowd Ian hosted and somehow mushy Mike did

the whole thing they had different rooms so you could swipe on your phone now you're in the showroom now you're watching the comedian now you're in the green room wow and there's a green room hang there's a green room hang kind of you could just see everybody I'm watching Rosebud and Andy I'm watching a DeVito I'm watching Mike Somerville it was insane it felt like comedy again wow that's nice that's a beauty it was amazing and then I did my set and there you can hear that I don't know how they did be you can hear them laughing so you tell a joke and then you hear and fatty I got to tell you I was reborn I was

skipping down the street I I forgot how much I missed it I didn't know how much I loved it and I felt like I did a killer set remember that feeling of doing that killer set like I had you been bombing for a week that's what it felt like of course yeah I miss it too well here's what I did I did a show at the Tacoma comedy club which that part of it's fun as you can do a show in any club any city wait a minute wait a minute zoom a zoom what yeah how was that it was pretty good here's what I found out though a secret little sauce I found out though but maybe I shouldn't even reveal it because we were talking to Mark

Grossman that owns all these clubs and he's like yeah the owner of that club he's like he's got a bunch of his staff they're gonna make sure they're laughing loud so you're not bombing huh so as soon as I start my joke I'm like yeah man it's crazy being in quarantine I hear like and it was nice but there was times where I'm like I think they're getting paid to laugh or something they're getting free drinks yeah that's awkward it was nice cuz I'm like I'm killing I can't tell if it's real or fake right but yeah but that they shouldn't put that out there oh maybe maybe we'll cut that but now you're fine but it felt so good

it's like oh my god this is this is what I got into this is my what I've been doing for 10 years and this is it's all been taken away and it I gotta tell you I got that old feeling again I was skipping down 7th Avenue just like yeah that joke worked I tried a new bid and hit I mean these people were being generous let's be honest with the laughs but it boy I needed it yeah it's a good feeling and it does feel good to me I had a similar feeling where I got off stage or out of my bedroom whatever and I did a bit with Sarah I said I'm dying can I get could someone get me a water and that got a laugh because they're like

there's no one to bring water and then Sarah brought me a water and I did the everyone make sure you tip your weight staff they're working really hard oh that's killer pretty good but the same thing you add the weird part about it is though you end and you don't walk off stage and go talk to everybody and go I went pretty well you just walk back into your living room and go back to watching you know inside Lou and Davis or whatever I know it's super weird like I finished and I had all these texts like here's a tag you know DeVito's texted me like oh that one line was good I'm like it was kind of a hang it's not the

same but it almost felt like I was addicted to heroin and I had been off of it and somebody gave me just a key bump yeah it feels good at speaking of Lou and Davis I was watching that movie and does that opening or the second or third see he's going he's on the the two and he's going from Columbia University down to the Christopher Street yeah he's passing all that and you're like I just want to be on the subway I tell you man I've been listening to old sets cuz I'm terrified I am so rusty that when I come back I'm gonna be on stage at the fucking Denver Comedy Works going hold on hold on I think I know this

hold on give me a second I don't want to be that guy so I'm listening to it we were good we were good comics very good we're still good I mean that's the nice thing about doing these zoom shows is I walk off and I'm like I can still do comedy it comes back yeah you're telling the hour doing an hour though no well you don't just go back and do an hour at night one we're gonna have to do some spots and some sets and yeah and I gotta tell you I bet these crowds when we do come back in 2048 I bet these crowds gonna be real happy to be there they're ready to rock and also you have the foundation it's like running like when

I was young I ran between seven and nine miles six days a week for years for years so now I mean I'm a pretty fit guy I go I run five mile I mean I ran five miles last week for the first time I run here and there but I can run five months I have that foundation right it's the same with comedy it's like you've still done 15,000 sets I know four months off is not gonna be like go like you're and you're still a funny person like we're still doing the podcast we're still right funny people you know I hear you but I it to me that's muscle memory this is mental this is like words it's me just about the remembering the jokes

right well you know they're you they're yours so yeah I know but you know when you're working out new stuff you got like you got a puzzle in your head you're going all right I gotta throw in the the the the fucking hotel joke right here the hotel joke needs work you had all of those little tools all in the right place where you wanted them to work it out and that's the part that worries me it's hard to explain but you knew where to put the new one because it was new and then you got to go back and bring that one in and you're still working on that that Kleenex joke that one's almost there like all those little things I

know they'll come back but I was so close to a lot of bits and that's all gone yeah here's what I would say is yes if naturally we're gonna be rusty it sucks it's not ideal but you just remembered them then just telling me so the fact that you still know those skills the problem I think if you're like I don't even remember when you can't remember what you just said that's when you're really in trouble yeah yeah and no question about it we're gonna be rusty losers thank God we recorded I'm so happy I recorded all my sets because if I didn't have that shit I would I'm looking at piece of paper in my pocket it says

like houseplant like what the fuck is houseplant then I listen like oh the houseplant bit yeah I had the same exact thing and you remember I'm like shit I had a ton of shit yeah like I had about 40 minutes it's not on the specials that are gonna come out one day but that feels good I have a bunch of shit that's not that's still new right what would suck is if you know you just had nothing when it ended oh yeah I know Jesus it's nice to have a base and think about the people that sucked before think about well hopefully they all quit or get corona well I think a lot of people are gonna quit I think people I don't maybe

I'm crazy but I was walking around with my wife and sister-in-law every day I see people packing up u-hauls I think there's gonna be a fucking exodus big ex big dusts and I think rats are gonna go down I'm gonna buy some property I think this city is gonna get kind of cheap in a minute I think for sure because the rest of the country is not dealing with this like we are right right and like they already said of real estate in Jersey went way up cuz everybody's like fuck it let's buy a house like they needed that little push and now they're like yeah let's do it yeah I think a lot of people were like

this is a nightmare and it went crazy they were saying Westchester County has more deaths than the state of Texas so it's no wonder these fucking states are like what the fuck yeah we gotta go back to work like here this fucking they got they got skating rinks that are morgues and this tents in my asshole and there's a fucking you know just dead people on the sidewalk but in Arkansas they're like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I know you're right there they're in Georgia they're doing business as usual they got rubbing tugs and toy shops is open that's interesting though because Georgia's actually had

some cases oh the case that they gave me murder was the case that they gave me but yeah I don't know I I don't know what the fuck but I've been I've been getting other news sources I'm like we got a we got a fired up here this is like because there's gonna be another way that's gonna be around for two years the vaccines fucking three years away but haven't you noticed your jogging you're out there running all day my five miles you see it's letting up don't you see there's people other people jogging there's people outside barbecue and I went to the water today it's a beautiful day in Manhattan it's jammed there's

people in bikinis out there yeah I mean people just can't sit in their house for too long if it's the winter it's one thing but it's 70 degrees out people are like fuck this so I think social distancing the masks whatever I do think the political rallies concerts festivals those should not be going on for a while still right but everything else I'm like we gotta fucking do something well I had a dark thought the other day and tell me if I'm I'm kooky here gay but old they keep talking about old folks home and I'm like what I mean how many people dying an old folk home every day without corona yeah I mean they

die a lot yeah yeah they die all the time they die they stub their toe they die they they hiccup and they die so it's a weird that we keep focusing on these old folk homes because I'm like well weren't they on death's door well that being said there are two two balls to every sack sure our New York City deaths are twice as high as they were last year double ah and then that's not that's with way less traffic way less cloud so once everything opens you're gonna have car accident deaths go back up and we are like seeing a crazy amount of death like we can't forget that like they literally have stacks of fucking body

like 65,000 people died of this yes that's truly Italy Italy ran out of cemeteries yeah I mean it's like it's significant it's not it's not nothing so no no it's not nothing I know I don't know what the fuck but eventually it seems like we got to do something but I feel like the people don't want to hear about this this is all they hear about we got the queefs and the farts and the jizz and the cum well I gotta tell you about this I so me you and Donnelly got to talking about about season 7 of Seinfeld sure so I revisited it and it brought me back this how much that show meant to me when I was younger when I

was in college or when I just finished college my friend went to London to go to film school and he's out there in London and we were such animals he's like I'm partying up I'm getting late I'm out in London I'm the American guy you gotta come out here and I was so young dumb and full of anal that I was like fucking I'll go to London I fly to London with no money this guy is staying this is before Airbnb he's staying outside of London like an hour outside of London by train in this family's house they just had a baby like a 35 year old family they're you know like yuppie kind of nice religious regular old folk and

they got this party animal stand with them and then I show up so they hate me so I had this crazy memory you know what a memory just hits you of course yeah so one night we go out in London we just party it up we drink all night we do a bunch of drugs we get shot down by a bunch of fat chicks and we missed the train back to whatever little town he was in it was called like you know Dicklessville or whatever it was in London and we had to walk to the house and this is pre GPS pre phone pre everything it's an hour train ride so the walk was probably like six hours Jesus and we did it and wow what literally

walking through like Sherwood Forest you know those bats and owls whoo-hoo it was pitch black we're walking through forest I remember one point we saw cows we're walking through pastures and we're so shit-faced we were terrified and I remember me and my friend we're so obsessed with the show Seinfeld that we would say the show dialogue to feel safe because we were so scared wow a wolf could have eaten us and I'm going I suppose he could swivel and we both giggled then we go back to being like was that a bear was that a bear god it's like Rain Man where he recites Abbott and Costello yes yes rain man we're rain

man it was it was raining men and we're out there and he's out there we were so scared we're so scared that we had to say these this dialogue just to keep us like not to not to start crying but how much scarier is forest than the woods we're in the woods oh spooky we're in the forest you're like you got to get out of there yeah black forest cake it was terrifying I mean it was pitch black in a 40 bump into a tree you got the moon that was it wow the moon was the light the moon was the light in the middle of England I don't know where the fuck we were and I don't know where that family is now but they hate I mean we showed up

at like five in the morning and they rolled their eyes like god damn it you fucking American faggots we hate you you're ruining our lives well that that season seven is really something special and we got all these people we sparked all these people tweeting at me being like I'm trying Seinfeld out I can't see in the show yeah how about this realization I had this is gonna blow your tits off you're gonna have come in your face in a second please so this show obviously I mean Seinfeld is a huge part of our podcast our lives I mean we do probably 10 Seinfeld references per episode that's a fun trivia what's the

average yeah I'm on a Seinfeld references per episode you but our buddy yeah it's gotta be 10 or 15 it's so much of like the basis of our show is that show but this is what's crazy so we got people that are probably I don't know I've mentioned this I'm 16 17 year old kids listening to this show they're into the show some 20 year olds yeah so it's like if the equivalent is if you and I were watching a show or listening to a radio show in 1995 Seinfeld's 30 years old it'd be the equivalent of a show that just kept referencing a show from 1965 like leave it to beaver happer whatever the fuck Star Trek or

something I don't know I guess that does happen but something yeah what the hell was on F Troop or Mr. Ed the Flintstones the show is now 30 years old right right how fucking bizarre that we're sitting here we're obsessed with the show from 30 years ago I know you're hung up on some clown for the 60s man I mean isn't that weird every week I'm like it's crazy to me that people watch and listen to our show that are unfamiliar with Seinfeld that's weird to me but I'm realizing the show is 25 years old yeah people listening to our show were born in 2001 well the kooky thing is I wonder if people hear us

yapping and kind of ripping that whole thing off that they did and think we're fucking geniuses because they're like well this is killer like yeah we're just doing a thing from some other guy that's what I always wonder I'm like if they let's watch Seinfeld they gonna be like wait a minute yeah what the fuck is this right yeah so many of the references stand on their own so they must be like that was so funny when you know right Joe said yada yada yada whatever the fuck thanks for thanks for button I'm offended by all the fans that reference these season eight and nine I got some real eight and nine problems

well you know season I don't want to get too gooped out on this because we we can dive deep but season seven is so perfect because it takes the old guard and there's just a dash of the new guard there's a little goofiness in those a little bit there is the right amount there is it's the right amount and that's why I think it's the second best season and also it's like the cameras are better it's like HD it pops it's bright Elaine that's right and Elaine looks hot in the later ones yeah I mean super hot so it's it's just pure fucking gold there's something about the clip club yeah it's so good and it's so timeless like it

still comes on 11 times a day I mean some fat kid who's 24 he could still enjoy it but it's tough now because they don't have phones they don't have emails they don't have face social media Facebook so I'm sure kids watch this the way I watched leave it to beaver yeah I think there is like some guy tweeted him was like it's a little dated and I'm like season one to three were dated even in 1996 right right but still some hair cut Jerry's hair cut their outfits everything Elaine's big poof the whole thing's kooky but you're right it's a 30 year old show and we we keep talking about like a couple old guys who got out

of Nam well and I want I'm such a cunt of a person and people are trying to be nice and friendly but they keep sending me Seinfeld trivia they're like did you know Kramer was called Kesslem yes I know that what are you crazy of course I knew that I took the fucking Seinfeld tour in 88 George mentions the opposite in the pilot I'm like I know we have I know he mentions the opposite I know everything what are you talking about I know it too well you know it works works out for me is I got the show on Hulu I'm sitting here watching with my gal I'm quoting every line and she's turned on get out of here I'm doing the

same my wife wants to divorce me well she's like how'd you know that I'm like I'm obsessed what are you kidding it's also gross cuz I kind of know the guy so I'm like am I a sicko I'm like jerking off to this guy's mullet in 1994 and then I'm talking to him you know via text right what's going on did you call him you text him I texted for his birthday hey what 62 right or something like that or 66 somebody tweeted 66 sounds good I think 66 call in if you know but yeah 63 and embracing it he he wrote back immediately and said thanks can't wait for us to get back out there hey so that might mean some gigs did he say get back

out there label baby baby that sounds like some gig it sounds like he's he's chomping at the bit or whatever that's called well I first cuz I I don't want to get too into what I text him but I wrote I didn't want to come off to to come guzzly so I just wrote HBD something I just wrote happy thanks for everything HBD okay okay and then I picture him going we have so little time now we can't write out happy birthday we got to say HPD and I was like was that bad but he wrote back immediately said thanks man can't wait to get back out there with you okay that's something I still think a phone call

is not crazy but I don't know I by the way I had about 38 texts from women who said don't you dare call him I know people Joseph he's a homosexual don't do it and I kind of was like all right well I trust women that's extremely hurtful yeah I mean we're close Jerry I thought I did but you know me I'm with you I'm just saying that phone call could go south real quick I throw one gook out there I throw one n-word it's over but these women there they're looking at it the way they look at it they're like you can't if I call too fast he's gonna think I'm this two days the key is the normalcy but you don't call me so it's

not a normal I guess you gotta do you right right but I thought about because he has a special coming out on May 5th and I have a special coming out on May 12th and I thought about we have a special coming out within a week that's a lot there to bond on you should write to and say I'll promote yours if you promote mine that's a nice I just scratched my head and I think I'm bleeding you ever scratch and you're like why does that hurt excessively I think that's a leprosy I think I got AIDS or something you're positive HIV baby oh should we take a question or two or do you do we have

some other stuff we got about 10 minutes to fill up with jizz here they will do two questions all right let's see what the questions are shall be emailed us some questions yeah we and if you if you really want to get on board we're gonna answer the rest of them via quiff on the patreon so to an end yeah we don't like that patreon okay gotta plug the roast yes coast to coast what's it even called coast to coast roast coast to coast roast go to helium dot com the helium comedy clubs are putting on this huge roast tournament comics are roasting cities so this Austin comics roasting Houston comics and New York

comics roasting Seattle comics it's a huge tournament over three weeks and Mark and I are the hosts of the whole thing we're gonna be zinging zanging we're gonna be busting balls we're gonna be fucking with the contestants we're gonna be shitting on their cities it's gonna be great it's a competition may the best roaster win it's gonna be huge all over the country yeah so we're gonna be trashing your city we're gonna just tear apart some young comics a lot of fat jokes Jew aged it whatever it is it's roast so get involved you can get a ticket you can get like a full package ticket of everything and or you can just

do an individual show if it's your city whatever I know that Dina Hashem and Mike Racina the New York comics who are killer hilarious killer comics both good lineup boy when you start thinking of comics you like when you like to see them when you like to sit down for 20 minutes with Dina and Mike just be like where you guys what are you up to I know I always say if anything comes out of this we're gonna really appreciate the fuck out of every little thing yeah but get on there go check it out we're we're co-hosting the thing and I think it's gonna be I'm looking forward to it what I'm excited about is we'll have a job

that's that thing they talk about with unemployment that like yes you feel like you don't have a purpose you don't have regular money you start to feel like a loser I have low self-esteem I had that to begin with but we're gonna be going to work every night and yes and real work paid gig and our job is important we got it with a backbone of this fucking thing we're there with a caboose we got to keep that train on the work on the tracks the straw that stirs the drink as Kramer would say so check that out and get on the patreon there's a ton of shit on there we've been doing bonuses every week again the live episodes are

up there Sarah and I are doing a foreign film and we're gonna answer a bunch of questions so check that out yeah yeah always fun stuff yeah so we got five minutes all right talk about the first time you ever headlined a club you remember my first headline was that oh Tommy's comedy club that was like the guys that ran the comedy connection in Boston they had a side room which was the original comedy connection it was at the Charles Playhouse short-lived club but the the room was like the original fucking comedy club in Boston so that part was cool and I remember being excited and nervous and I mean I did it

way late I was like 14 years into comedy come on maybe not 14 but a long 12 probably 12 years were you like the go-to feature you know there's always a guy like I need an Oprah get him yeah I feature I mean I featured for DiPallo for years John again Gullman Dane Dane a little but not rigor like a couple times right right but yeah so I was like a lifetime feature but yeah it was exciting and you're definitely nervous you're definitely that thing of like 45 minutes yo yeah cuz you're always good at what you do a lot of yes yes well said so 25 you're like nothing you can do it and you know you had material but like to do

45 all at once is scary oh you're counting the minutes I remember I would count to like two or three after a joke just because I needed to build that time I need yes you know punchline one Mississippi to Mississippi you do a little crowd working all right that killed about two minutes even though it probably killed 20 seconds in your head you're like that was something and you just counting those minutes it's brutal you remember when you couldn't find the light you're like I've been on stage for four hours where the fuck's the light yeah it's a horrifying feeling and then eventually you go did I get the light

you have to break that that moment where you're like do I break should I say that and finally you're like did I get the light anybody and then they always give you the light if you're a comic and you want the light just say did I get the light every time every time now I do I do these planks every day cuz I'm just trying to be less gay and that that time it's it feels like that you know you do a plank or like where the fuck's the buzzer I've been doing a plank for three years yes it feels like that yeah it's it ain't easy but yeah it was it was good but not crazy memorable but that was my memory of it same here mine was the

funny bone and Hartford I was opening for somebody and it was a Wednesday through Sunday and they didn't want to do the Sunday so they were like you want to do it now I remember being like it felt like I got tapped to go like help 9-11 I was like oh my god I feel like a hero and I was like I'll take it I'm in and you know three people showed up by bomb for an hour I probably did like 42 minutes because I couldn't stretch that long and it was fun and it was terrifying I'm really pacing in the hotel room the whole day like alright buddy this is all you you're the backbone you're the show you're the headliner you got to step up

but I'm like I can't do it like you got to do it you pussy I'm putting water on my face and it was very anti-climactic right I would always do the thing and I see comics do this all the time it's that you spot it you got it thing where I see people doing them like I know what they're doing and that thing where you're like you're trying to do a joke and you're like well what'd you say what I hear someone say over there because you want to get the crowd work somehow you need to get killed you have no confidence that you have the time right right like boy this guy over here is in like there's no one even talking you're

just making shit up yeah it's like oh do you guys hear that out in the hallway right hallways are weird like you just like someone something happened please somebody drop a drink I need to fucking yeah it's like those those heckle comics where their whole their whole bread and butter is just getting heckled and then shutting the guy down so they they're like some guys sneezes and they go what was that your piece of shit come guzzling faggot yeah you want to go and they're like I sneezed looking for it what's the word this is a tough one what's the worst experience you guys have ever had with a fan no I got mine I

mean I get nervous because I'm like I don't want you know I don't want the fan might be still a fan maybe I got mine and I'm not even worried about it that's how much I hate this guy I hit me with it I did a gig in China I brought me and the lady flood to China to the Shanghai comedy club this is a big thing and I did all these cities outside of Shanghai like little satellite gigs they're all horrible Shanghai was pretty good but I have one gig in Beijing at the end of the run we're we're road hard and put away wet I mean me and the lady were jumping from hotel hotel jumping from plane to plane train to train

getting around China you know it's a it's miserable nothing's in American nothing's in English so it was a brutal trip the whole thing sucked plus the food there stinks stinks in China real Chinese food sucks I know it gets everyone sick yeah they're eating dogs and bats and people are shitting on the sidewalk and just the little things about China it's not a humorous culture you know right that you never see a Chinese guy going hey you fucking come guzzling bitch what are you shaking you know you never see that guy right and so I don't know the whole thing kind of bummed me out and so the last gig

finally last gig was amazing was in a bookstore and it was insane and I get off stage and this kid was a Tuesday and this is four years ago or three years ago so like to find a Tuesday in China was insane yeah and he was like holy shit I'm a Tuesday I listen all your fuck stories and he's quoting things I'm saying I got the lady right here and he's like oh remember you fuck that fat chick and Austin or how about the the blind girl and Cincinnati and the wheelchair chick from Phoenix and I'm like shut up shut up and he wouldn't stop wait is he an expat or is he like don't you fuck the girl with a T like

what's good what's he's like a he's a college kid on a broad okay so he's a he's a regular white douche yeah he's a white douche he's a skinny little pecker headed Nimrod and he's just going oh wait how could she be with you when you fuck that girl from Georgia I'm like shut the fuck up and he wouldn't stop he's going for on and on and I had to cover his mouth and at one point the guy who run the show was so nice he was like I want to thank you for coming so he bought us this big meal so I'm eating the meal and this kid is sitting at the table and he's just going and going and I'm like shut the fuck up and I just

stand up go get the fuck out you're done you're done get out of here because I always try to be nice to these guys but he I kicked him I give him like that I was like an umpire I was like you're out of here you're done it's funny that he's like a white college kid because I don't want to sound racist but I was pictured a guy with like those cut-off Frankenstein pants and no shoes and a triangle hat and he's got a stick and he's like ah you fuck girl with big tits you're picking Charlie I mean I'm gonna get shut down for this but I just pictured a guy with like a you know a bowl of rice and I get it I get it no no I

wish I would that guy probably would had broken English at least I could have thrown a chopstick at him this guy he was just a honky from from Ohio wow well we're still listening I mean he might a lot we lost some fans when you when you buckled down and started flying straight and shooting right or whatever they say right I know I still feel bad but hey you know gotta live yeah I mean like if I didn't talk politics and you kept fucking women with a show would be enormous Hugh we'd be we'd be Mark Marin or whatever we'd be Rogan oh yeah what are you gonna get the fan I mean we gotta go I'm trying to think of I don't know I

mean a lot of Twitter stuff a lot of people would write you know you're a retired fucking idiot and you're stupid but I'm a fan or whatever I'm trying to think there's a lot of weird ones but I usually managed to get out of there I guess I'll think of one for the patreon and put it on all right I'll have to think about it nothing nothing pops up everyone for the most part everyone's really nice yeah they're good we got good fans we got good eggs smart thoughtful queefs I love good people and if you're not on the patreon please get on the patreon because it helps us out it's five bucks even if you lost your

job five bucks a month what the fuck you know yeah that's pocket change baby check it out tell a friend let's spread this like margarine and yeah we'll keep bringing the heat and you guys keep giggling and we got us with some potty co yeah you bring the heat we'll bring the queefs thanks for listening and check out the coast to coast roast yeah helium helium comedy club calm it's gonna be big I mean with no sports on this is the Super Bowl yeah it's gonna be nice so get on the patreon go watch that for you'll have a ton of content it's fun here here stay queer thanks guys braze I love

you