Tuesdays with Stories! - #349 Jizzin' and Shakin'

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

We're back baby and we're debating the pro's and con's of banging a relative before we hear about Mark's dip in a reservoir and Joe takes in a viewing of 'Lolita'. Check it out! Sponsored by: Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody, welcome to Tuesdays with stories, the greatest podcast inside of your asshole. You got that right. We're right in there, we're crammed in. Yeah, the hole is gaping, it's wet. We keep trying over here with the anal and it ain't happening. What do you mean?

Their buttholes, it's like a needle thread. I got yarn, I can't get in that hole. Oh, you and the wife? Yes. I thought you were talking about the podcast the whole time. Oh no, the pod I'm in, I'm swimming, I'm doing jumping jacks in that hole. Alright, so you've been trying anal with the girlfriend?

Yeah, repeatedly, and I get like a speck of dirt in there and she's like, what do you got in there? Jack hammer? I'm like, no, I haven't got in yet. Wow, so what do you use it? Do you have fuck water like I recommended or Crisco or eggs or what is it? We got lube, we got vegetable oil, I got Pam,

I'm spraying Pam, I've tried butter. Nothing works, I mean, I think because she's scared so that the muscles tense instinctively. It percolates a little bit. Yes, which might be nice around the chef once I'm in. Maybe when I put it in, I'm gonna tell her a ghost story or something, but she's too keyed up and it's, you know, innately you think, alright, cover your ass a little

so a bear doesn't get in or whatever. What you should do is try some fucking CBD, get some feel CBD, make her drink half a dish of that and stick some in her ass maybe and loosen her up. That's not bad, yeah, I'll spray it on like tranny fluid. I like the little needle squeeze that comes in, that little droplet thing. So maybe put some of that on her butt

and make her sniff some, loosen it up a little. That's not bad, but literally her ass is so tight, I don't know if I can get a drop of feels in there. Wow, I mean, that is, did she shit? Yeah, that's a good point. She's got a big brown doo-doo coming out of her. Why not a little white dick? Well, it's different directions.

It's like a mousetrap. I know a lot about mousetraps, obviously. They're designed to go in but not come out like a lobster trap. They can go in, but once they're in, they can't come out. Like a vending machine. Exactly, it's the reverse. It's designed to slide out, but it's not designed to slide in. No offense to her gaze.

Yeah, well, but again, not all gays like it in the pooper. That's true, but that's nice that you're trying new things. Do you put a finger in there? Does that go in okay? I know, the finger's too big. You can't get a pinky in there? I'm telling you, man, ray of light, a song can't even get in there. It's like a soundproof headphone. You got to get some fuckwater.

Once the joint is open, get some fuckwater. You could stick a micromachine in there. That's what I call my dick, but I'll try. Maybe the fuckwater's the key because we've tried other lubes. No, fuckwater's nice. I got my big toe in there on Wednesday. Watch that nail. Oh, the toenail.

Yeah, I haven't clipped my toenails since, I think mid-February. Now it's kind of like a fun challenge. Let's see if I can keep going. I just did it the other day. It would be the pointer finger on the finger, but it's like the thick toe. Whatever the one next to the thumb. The index. Yeah, the index toe, but it feels like a different thing.

This finger feels like I'll get you, but on the foot, you can only point with the big toe. Oh, that's interesting. You're right. You can't stick up the index toe, really. Yeah, and it's also interesting how fingers have their own job. Like you got indexes for the phone, for pointing. Then you got the middle. Sure.

Then you got the ring. Yep. And then you got the retard pink. The butthole finger. Yeah, or coke. Oh, right, right, right. Coke in a butthole. Oh, that might loosen her up. Little butthole freeze.

Jared freeze. When I went to public school, all the black guys had a crazy long pinky nail, because they would do bumps, and I didn't know what it was for 30 years. Jesus, when'd you go to school in the 70s in the village? It was New Orleans, man. It was wild. Well, any jizz. Wait, what did I start to say about something? I can't remember.

Butthole, anal. I think we had moved from butthole to something. Oh, the toenail. Does your index toenail, is it thicker than the other ones? No, the big toe is the thickest. No, I mean thick, like the nail, the thickness, not the width. The big toe is wide. I'm talking thick. No, I got no girth on that one.

My index toenail is like an inch thick. It's like a white block of cheese. Wow, that's odd. I got cheese toes. That means, maybe that means you're gay, you're majestic, you're chosen, something's up. Well, I want to eat, come, that makes me gay. I don't know about the toe. Well, everything's got a message to it, you know, like the rings of the tree, how old it is, the thickness of an index toe means you're, you know, got diarrhea.

Everything's got a message. What are you becoming a guru? You sound like Marianne Whatcher-Toes, that fucking lady that ran for president. Oh, yeah, yeah. Woodward or Woodward? Williamson. Williamson, Taylor. Everything's got a message. We're talking like eyebrow, eyebrow width, does that mean something? Yeah, well, you got eyebrows for a reason because it's supposed to let you know when something's about to hit you in the eye.

What? Yeah, that's what all that, the armpit hair, so you don't get shaved, pubic hairs to protect your junk. Everything's got a, I'm not saying everything happens for a reason, like some kind of hippie quack, queef. I'm saying everything's on your body for a reason. Well, the eyebrow, I got a bit about this before the world ended. The eyebrow I thought was to protect from sweat getting in your eyeball. Oh, that makes sense. But the scientists now believe it's for nonverbal communication.

That's what we have eyebrows. According to Kramer, 94% of communication is nonverbal. Yeah, I remember that. That was silly. It seems high. Yeah, I think that's the joke. Oh. I think, I don't know, maybe not. I think you're right, but yeah, because if I just stood still and didn't make gestures or facial expressions but told you a soliloquy,

I think you get more out of it than if I just went. Yeah, I mean, I'd get a lot out of that. Your parents are related. Incest. Something like that. Incest is fun. Isn't it weird? We were talking about this the other day, Sarah and I and her sister, that there's a whole thing where did you know that people,

if they get separated at birth from their father or from their sibling, they end up wanting to fuck that person. They meet them later in life. There's a bunch of examples of that. If you met your mother right now, you'd want to eat her out. Well, it's like back to the future. The mom was into the son. Yes, exactly.

So they were on to something. And she's hot. Leah Thompson's hot. You see her tits and all the right moves. Yeah, and Michael Jackson's a cutie. I mean, this is before he started jizzing and stuff. Back then, he was a cute little number. He must have been jizzing.

That's true. I guess shucking and jiving is what I should have said. Yeah, he's cute. My mother always had a crush on him. I remember one time, years ago, Soda, this is our drinking day. Soda had an audition at Spin City. And it was like the most Soda moment. You know, Soda's a real people pleaser.

Yeah. And myself also. And he was like, I got an audition. And I was like, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll bring her on set. I'll ever meet him. I was like, okay.

I just love the idea of Soda like nailing a walk on roll and being like, all right, get your mother. Just roll her old bones down here. Let's get your mom on set. And they're like, who the fuck is this lady? Such a nice guy. Not even thinking ahead. Like, yeah, whatever.

Whatever makes her happy. I don't even know the lady, but even if it's just Soda, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know the lady, but even if it jeopardize my career, I'll help her out. Well, Soda's the best. That was like pre therapy Soda just always trying to get the right thing in there. Now Soda's like had too much therapy. Now he'll be like, shut the fuck up. The story sucks.

And I'm like, hey, take it easy, man. Yeah, you're too healthy. This is weird. But yeah, I just remember being like, all right. I mean, good luck on the audition. But I just, I was just moving the conversation along. Yeah. So one of those weird things because you want to be like, oh,

thanks for being nice. I also want to be like, that's never going to happen ever. So I don't know how to, how to react to this. Maybe I should tell him she's got a crush on Gia Mati. See if I can get her in at billions. Oh, that's good. Not very believable though. WNBC.

Nobody's got a Gia Mati crush. No, no. Pig vomit. He's hideous. So speaking of incest, isn't it interesting how I think about incest a lot? God or whoever you want to say. Gia, the stars, Allah.

They made it. So if you fuck your relative, it comes out like a down Z. Yeah. It's nice that there's a built in punishment there. Yeah. Well, if you consider having a retarded kid, a punishment, I think it's a blessing. I'd love to have a couple of retards running around.

They're adorable and they got, they're strong. They're strong. They got big dongs too. What's wrong with strong big dong? I mean, that seems nice. Adorable bit strong and a big dong. I'll tell you what's wrong when they turn on you. They pin you down and they rail you with that big old retarded piece.

We're back on soda again. Take that, Mr. Nice Guy. But yeah, you know, it's a built in penalty. Yeah. That is fascinating. But I think it's legal to marry a cuddly. In the old days, your cousin was just oak acceptable. Right.

In the movie Tombstone at the end, Doc Holliday or Doc Hollywood, wait, what was that Michael J. Fox? Was that Doc Hollywood? Michael J. Fox. He made a movie called Doc Hollywood, I think. Yeah. I think you're right. Anyways, I was trying to connect the two.

It didn't make sense. Uh-huh. But at the end of Tombstone, Val Kilmer's on his deathbed. He's like, I was in love once, my first cousin. And you'd think Kurt Russell would do like, what? Yeah. You're fucking weird out. But he's like, oh man, that's great.

Like that was just standard. Yeah. Well, I think back then there were eight people in your town. There was no GPS, no email. Like you fucked around you. If people didn't fuck their cousins, we wouldn't have a civilization probably. Well, I've always thought this since I was a kid, and maybe there's an explanation for it.

But if you believe in Adam and Eve, isn't it all incest? Don't we all trace back to those two? It's a great point. Great point. And how would you get Asians and blacks? Yeah. Well, I don't think they believe in Asians, some of these people. I don't understand the Adam and Eve thing.

Are they brother and sister? I thought they were just a man and woman. Well, they may not be brother and sister, but the spawn would continue to be related. Ah, good point. Everybody, they might not be, but the first, they have to have at some point a boy and a girl, right? I don't know the story that well, because it's stupid.

Don't give me a start on Adam and Steve. That's not real. No, I like gays. I'll hit the wall on that one. It's fun. But anyways, there's a few examples of cousin fucking going on out there. There's a lot of cousin fucking. I hear the Hasidic Jews are big into it,

and I hear the Hillbillies are like, Johnny Knoxville said once, he's like, yeah, I think I'm the product of my uncle and my great cousin fucking, or he's like open about it. Well, we talked about it recently. FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt were related. Yeah, and I think the whole British royalty, they're all, that's why they look like gargoyles.

They're all hideous because they're all just dabbing each other. But I could see being attracted to my cousin if I never met, like I grew up, my family was always together. My whole family every Sunday, like the idea of a family reunion is so strange to me because my family is always together. But if you have a cousin that grows up in Tacoma and then you meet her in St. Louis,

and she's hot, why not fucking eat her out for a couple days? Eat her out, and you'd probably have some weird bullshit connection, like something about this broad hits a nerve with me. So it's actually because you're blood related, but in your head, you're like, well, she's probably got a fat ass or something. Yeah, I mean, like I'm not attracted to my cousins,

but I could see a situation where I could be. Yeah, it's kind of bittersweet having an ugly family. Yes. Because I have two female cousins, and they're both like knockouts, just from a purely physical... Subjective. Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, I'm not into them, but they're both obviously objectively attractive. And yeah, if they weren't my cousin, I'd probably make a move. Yeah, all right. Do you think that if it wasn't societarily a problem, maybe you'd make a move? Maybe because I've already met their parents.

So that's done. That helps. Yeah, I know where they live. I know a lot about them. Yeah, could be something. There's a Boston comic. Great, great comic. Strange guy.

It was a real conspiracy theorist. The Jews killed Kennedy, and George Bush was an alien. Apollo? Fascinating guy. But he was a hilarious comic. Anyways, nice guy, sweet as pie, great jokes, but he had a joke about it.

He was dating a girl, then they broke up, and they started dating that girl's sister. And he was like, that was weird. I had to go meet the family again. He's like, it was really awkward. It was at lunch, at dinner, to break the tension. I turned to the brother and said,

you're next. That's a good bit. That's a killer bit. Yeah, he had some great ones. I love a smart incest joke. Yeah, there's got to be some more. I guess ancestry.com is like for incest people. That's like Tinder.

Yeah, I suppose so. You're like, wow, look at all these eligible, but I don't know if it's a fetish that you want to fuck your cousins. I think you just fall for them. I think it could be, I think it's a fetish, because it could be, I'm saying, because it's a fetish for everything else.

Why not this? Yeah, good point. We got some lego porn made, by the way. How about that? Oh, man, that was the highlight of my week. I love the idea of somebody hearing that and then taking the time to animate that. Yeah, ryanhasowebsite.com is that guy's name.

Oh, speaking of exciting things happening, we got a Patreon challenge. We're starting. We're up to 2,500 Patreon people. Sing it, sister. We appreciate it, which, by the way, is a lot and we're grateful, but we got about 60 to 80,000 people

listening to the show, so it's pretty small. Yes. Now, if there's 500 of you out there that haven't lost your job and you're not homeless and you're not raping your cousin, get together five bucks a month, sign up for the Patreon, because when we get to 3,000 patrons,

Mark and I are going to watch Stranger by the Lake and do voiceover commentary on Stranger by the Lake and it's going straight on the Patreon. How about that, folks? You don't want to miss out on these two queefs commenting on basically a gay porn. That's all we talked about anyway, and now it's going to happen in real time.

And this movie's amazing. Now, have you seen the film? I have not. It's on my list. It's exciting because I want to do commentary and make some fun and poke some jokes, but I also want to give some breathing room because this movie, this is a hell of a picture.

I mean, it's better than Firestorm. Is it prognosis negative? This is better than prognosis negative. It's better than Sacked Lunch. I mean, you're going to fucking love this film and we might get sued by a French, you know, gay filmmaker for posting it. We could use the press.

He'll press us in the fucking woods. Bring it on. I mean, I don't know. I'm dying to see it. And I think even if we're zinging and zanging and jizzing on the screen, I still think I can take in the plot. Yeah, you can take it in.

Well, I mean, that's how I would probably watch it if we were at home because my wife and I watched it together. We had a great time and we kept going, oh my God, I'm so horny. I'm hard. Fuck me. Yeah. And we still enjoy it.

I can't wait. So we need 500 of you to sign up for the Patreon. It's five bucks a month. I know you're homeless. I know you lost your job and everything, but yeah, make it happen. It'll be worth it. Let's get to 3,000.

Yeah, let's make it happen. You don't want to miss out on that. I mean, if you're a real Tuesday, this is going to be, this is like the Super Bowl for Tuesdays. I'm waiting to see this load. When's the last time you saw a hard cock jerked off by a man spray a load all over the belly?

Yeah, I think it was since I was in Cub Scouts. It's been a while, but how are we going to do it? Am I going to come to your house? No, no chance in hell. I don't want you near me. No offense, but you're out bebopping and rocking a roll. I wait till I tell you what I did today. I'm saving that for later.

All right. I can't wait. We just went for a long walk. You know, what can you do for Christ's sake? You got to live, God damn it. What were we saying? Oh, fuck me. Something about Patriot.

Oh, I think, what's his toes? Shelby is going to scream it on the screen. We can share screen via Zoom, so he'll play the movie, and then we'll just comment on it, I guess. I need to be able to see your mug. I want you to see my face and me to see your face when that jizz hits the air. And then we're going to have to get it

onto the Patreon somehow. Oh, Shelby is all over that. Shelby, you can do that, right? He doesn't have a microphone. He might have left. I don't know what's going on. I think he's watching the movie. He's deep in thought.

He could probably figure it out. We got a lot of plugs. I mean, these are all our plugs. We'll make them funny. Today, I'll start this one. Today is the big day. Mark Norman out to lunch special is out right now on YouTube. Thank you, Fatty.

I appreciate it. Yeah, it's out. It comes out at 9 p.m. Eastern time, whatever that means for you. Yeah, let's get the views up, comment, subscribe, share, spread that link like herpes, folks. Let's get it out there. Fuck Netflix, fuck HBO, all these kooks.

YouTube's the hot new spot. You're going there. I'm there. San Maril. Fuck these queefs. They got no idea. Don't mind. But let's get the comments out.

No, I'm kidding. But if everybody listening comments, something fucking positive, obviously, everybody comments and everybody likes, it will shoot up the thing. Yes. You guys are in charge of the business now. These gatekeepers are clueless.

They're all come-guzzly Nazis. Screw them. Do it for us. Come on. Who's funnier than this queef? Then you got Sam. Let's show them who's boss out here. Yes, sir.

All right. Shelby just texted me and said, it'll be audio only the commentary. So they'll have to, but that makes sense. So they'll have to stream it on their own and then just hit play. So they'll line up with the movie. All right.

Well, then the French homo is going to love us because we're plugging his movie. They have to buy it. We got everybody streaming the movie. Yeah, they'll find it somewhere. I mean, that's worth, even if it costs $100, it's worth it to have a great porn. But anyway, do it this week.

Comment, like, spread the word. And also we're doing this road coast to coast roast. We were skeptical at first. We've done a few of them. It's damn fun. It's a great show. I know Rich has been in there a ton of Tuesdays in there, which we appreciate.

Love the gay love seeing queef and Allah and farts and all that stuff all over the chat room. And yeah, it's a joke a second. They got the roast jokes and we roast them basically. It's a zing and zang gunfight. So you don't want to miss that. It's a lot of fun. Yeah.

What else are you doing? There's a great time on there. Yeah. Get on there, check it out, and keep spreading the word about the podcast. Here, here. Anyhoo. So what were you doing today?

Going out and about? Well, two things I want to bring up. I want to save the other Jew for later. But how about you ever had this one happen? One of my most hated things in life is losing something. Like, you lose your favorite key chain or wallet. You ever lose a wallet? I have.

Yeah. I got a story about that, but it's a side story. Oh, hey, lay it on me. There's nothing worth. You know, you lose a phone. You're all discombobbed. You got to go down to the Verizon store and blow the guy. And then you get the new phone.

You got to redo it. All your settings are all cheesy and weird and quefy. And it just ruins your whole life. My quick story was I was at Caroline's and a comic. I won't say the comic's name because I'm going to really trash him. I mean, great guy and great comic. But I don't like to have a wall.

I carry my wallet in my front pocket since eighth grade trip to DC when every family member was like, you put your wallet in the front. So I still do, but I don't like a big bulge in my pants other than my cock. So I take the wallet out and put it in the green room wherever I go on stage. I do a 10 minute spot.

I come back. My wallets, my wallets gone and that tearing sound. I can't find it. So I'm looking all over. I'm tearing the place apart. I'm freaking out. My wallets gone. My wallets like looking for this.

And he just had it and was like fucking with me. And it's the kind of humor I hate because I'm like, I guess that was fun for you. Not even funny. And for me, you just made me super fucking bummed. Yes. For like 10 minutes. That's your humor.

Yuck. I'm upset. This guy stinks. You upset me for a while. That's funny. Right. Hopefully that was Ralphie May. That was very frustrating.

But anyway, so you lost something. But yeah, like you know how that feeling of just like your whole life's ruined. So I got a birthday gift last year. Always wanted a pair of Ray-Ban Sunglasses. Like the classic Wayfarer black from the movies. Never had them. They're too expensive.

I said, I can't ever buy that for myself. I'll just lose them. So the lady bought me a pair. These things are like 260 bucks or something crazy. No kidding. A pair of sunglasses. Ray-Bans are bananas. It's way overpriced.

It's all plastic. But I finally had them. I wore them on some podcasts and had fun with them. And I loved them. And I was like, I'm never losing these glasses. Cut to. I do a gig. I get a rental car.

And I leave the glasses in the rental car. And I didn't realize it for like two days. I called up a guy and I go, hey man, I left some Ray-Bans in the car. He goes, I haven't seen them. And I lost it. I was like, look, I know you have them. I would keep them too.

They're Ray-Bans. I get it. I have them. Please give me the rain. He's like, I don't have them. I swear to God. I'm like, I know you fucking have them. You fucking lying piece of garbage.

I'll kill you. You fucking chuch. You fat bitch. And he's like, I don't have them. You crazy psycho. And we went off on each other. One year later, I pulled a bag out of my closet. They're in the bag.

Oh, it's in the bag. In the bag. The whole time. I never checked the old suitcase from 88. And now I feel bad about the enterprise guy. But oh boy, what a relief it is. Well, maybe you can email him or find his number, Google him and say, hey, I got the shades and sorry.

Yeah. I really went off on that guy. I'm sure he's killed himself by now because I really tore into his fat ass. But I got the glasses and all as well that ends well. Yeah. Nice to have the shades. Where are they? Put them on.

That's the room I got headphones in. All right. So today, I'm trying to shoot as much content because I feel guilty about being so cooped up and unproductive. And I'm shooting a bunch of content. Today, I'm not going to say what the premise is, but I swam in a pond in Central Park. No kidding. Is there a pond you can swim in in Central Park?

Not legally, I don't think. We had to jump a few fences. Not the reservoir, I hope. It must have been the boat pond there. Boat pond. Yeah, where the boats are, the bullshit. Yeah, the paddle boats and the little bar area restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was freezing. I think I got my toe nipped by a koi fish. I mean, it's fucking cold out today. It's like 40 degrees. 40 degrees. I'm free. That's why I'm wearing a coat. My core temps way down.

I'm like Kramer. I can't get warm. So what was that? I guess you can't tell the premise, but I mean, are you all right? Because that's got to be a filthy pond. There's slime in there. It's 45 degrees. I think the floor felt like mush.

I think I stepped on a heroin needle or a meth pipe or something because I feel a little woozy. And it was freezing and it smelled like hell. And all these people were around watching and they were, I saw this Asian lady go, oh God, like you should be ashamed of yourself. I'm like, well, what do you care? I'm the one killing myself. Why you mad at me? Well, she should be ashamed of herself. Her damn country gave us all COVID's.

That's what I was thinking. She was actually eating a bat as she was looking at me, but it was, it was brutal. And you forget about the little things, you know, like, oh, you see something crazy on Jackass, but like being in the water was not that bad. It's the stepping on random rocks and slipping on algae and getting that jizz between your legs and the fish eating your balls. And then getting out of the water is a whole thing. That's the part that sucks. That's always the worst part of getting in natural water. That's the best way to swim in water is to get on a boat, go out where you can't touch bottom, jump off the boat or whatever.

Yes, yes. Trying to assess the water from land always sucks. The foot's always going out from underneath you and you're stepping on sharp things. Plus we got city feet. I'm wearing, I'm all shoes. I mean, I never, I don't leave the house without a sneaker and a fucking orthopedic back pillow. Like, I haven't walked barefoot since 1984. Exactly.

I got smooth feet. They're like little baby's heads down there. They're soft and mushy and disformed. But like, yeah, if I was a slave or something, I'd have feet like a Reebok on the bottom. I'd have like a, like a, like a goose step boot. But no, these feet are like baby bottoms. That'd kill to be a slave. That seems like good living.

Oh, they're always ripped. That's a good exercise. They're out in the sun. No office. Yeah. Healthy as a horse. You know, you got a nice boss. You know, you always, here's the worst part of having a job.

They're always aloof. You don't know what you're supposed to be doing. They go, just go over there and when you're a slave, it's do this or I'll hit you. And you go, you got it. Easy peasy. No thinking. Living the high life. Yeah.

You're like picking cotton. That's so heavy. Oh. Even the whip seems fun. I'm into that shit. And you're getting fucked by your master. Yeah. I'll take a lash.

Give me a, give me a lash and a gash. Hey, speaking of, uh, well, I shouldn't get into, let's say something else and then we'll go to the sponsors. We can't go straight from lash to sponsor. Well, we just lost our Ray-Ban sponsor. I'll tell you that after that slave rant, but it's good to have those shades back. Well, I'm excited to see the video. When will the swim vid be up?

Uh, probably next week and then I'll die of COVID slash, uh, I guess AIDS. I don't know what I got in that. I think I got scurvy SARS and, uh, polio. It could be the opposite though. That might jack up your immune systems being in that shit. That's not bad. I mean, I'm basically swimming in duck shit, uh, duck shit toilet. Duck shit was my, uh, waiter last meal I had out at, uh, Happy Family.

Uh, duck shit. Hello. All right. Well, I guess it's duck sauce, by the way. Is that made from ducks? All right. I'll be here all week. I have no idea.

I don't know anything. So duck sauce. Well, you got hot sauce. All right. I get it. It makes the food hotter. You got tomato sauce. That's pretty good.

You got a soy sauce. All right. I'll, I'll see myself out, but then what the hell is duck sauce and then what the hell is eel sauce? I never heard of eel sauce. Soy sauce is I am sauce in Spanish. And, uh, I don't, duck sauce is sauce that you put on a duck, I assume. Right?

Is that right? Oh yeah. I guess you're right. It's got a duck on the package, but it's pink and I just put it on my, my egg roll. It's interesting cause tomato sauce is made from tomatoes, but duck sauce is not made from ducks. Is it? That's, that's what I'm getting at.

I don't think it is, but it's weird cause you put it on a duck, but tomato sauce, you don't put on a tomato. Yeah. It's called pizza sauce or spaghetti sauce, which I guess some people say spaghetti sauce. Oh yeah. They do. The, uh, the daigos, the wops, they say the gravy, which I like. Yeah.

I never heard anyone actually say that. I've only heard fucking fake American Italians say that about Italy. I mean, they say it on a good fellas. I guess for a moment he says that, but they say sauce a bunch too though. He's like a sauce. Got a great sauce. Put too many onions in the sauce. Yeah.

You gotta have a good gravy. Oh, I hit my wife. I got hairy knuckles. Oh. Yeah. The only person I've ever heard gravy is fucking a bunch of meatballs I went to high school with going, you know, in Italy, they call it gravy. Oh, right.

You're like, I don't know that they do. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, that's going to offend somebody. But this week, Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by, by the way, sorry, isn't it funny that that's what we'll offend of all the stuff we did a 10 minute bit about

slaves. No one will care. I'll get three different guys named Mastrangelo being like, hey, we call it gravy. My grandfather's from the fuck. That's what we'll offend the people. Grandfathers from the old country, you fucking chuchak, how about I come down and break your skull? Yeah.

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So I blew my load on telling you about the Central Park thing, but it's been a wild day already. Yeah. What do you got tonight? We got the roast. We're roasting it up. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's a lot of work and you're on full gear. Just pedal to the metal for three hours, but it's a lot of fun being funny again and zinging and zinging. The pot is great, but you can't hear the laughs. This you have to hear laughter. Yeah. It's pretty good and it's a lot because we're on camera 100% of the show. Yeah.

But good to see those Tuesdays out there. I know. And then I worry, I used to listen to Howard Stern and he was so great and then he started working for America's Got Talent and that's what the whole show, that's all he would talk about. And then he got all fucking cum-guzzly and weird and pusified and I was like, well, this sucks. I'm not scared of talking about this because I didn't want to turn to that.

Yeah. But our thing is a roast. That's like a gay talent. I mean, I guess ours is a gay talent show, but we're trashing everybody. Good point. But the only thing with the roast that we're doing is I'm going to run out of jokes. Like the first few episodes, the people pop up and you're like, what are you a gay hijacker? Right.

What are you a fat fucking, you know, Paul Poundster, whatever the hell, but now we keep seeing them. And you're like, hey, you're still fat. You whore. I know. And the guys in the comments are so good because they're, they'll, they'll call you and they'll be like, you used that already, homo. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know you were listening that closely.

I know. Well, one of the comments killed me. There was the one guy, Andy Steinberg, someone wrote, he looks like he's wearing an Earl Skakel mask, which I thought was hilarious, which is a little inside, I guess. Yeah. Six people got that and you were one of them. But yeah, it's been a lot of fun. So do that.

I watched, um, Lolita last night, the wife and I, the original Stanley Kubrick. It's got some real fucking silliness. It turns into like sketch comedy at times. Really? It's been a while for me. I jerked off to it in 81, but I haven't seen it since. Yeah. It's a little goofballs and Peter Sellers, who's like a genius is in there, but it's

like, it's so weird. Cause it's just straight comedy for at times. Yeah. Wow. Is it about fucking a kid? Yeah, but they never really, they never, they never show them fucking the kid or anything. Uh, in the book, she's 12 in the movie. She's 14 and the guy's like 68.

I mean, it's, he's old. Isn't that weird? Like this maybe could be a bit later, but like it just hit me that it's weird. Like back in the old days, like the fifties and sixties, everything was so out there. Like, ah, I mean the honeymooners, the whole joke was Alice, I'll take you to the moon. You know, one, I'll rock them sock you right, right in the kisser or whatever. And you would never joke about that now, but back then you couldn't have the couple sleeping in the same bed and now it's the exact opposite.

Now it's like, yeah, we're fucking on TV, but if you make a hitting your wife joke, you're done. Yeah. That's what's crazy. I think, I mean, everyone's about to do a shot. I think we've talked about this before. We lose a lot of things. So often you're like, can imagine trying, we say things like imagine trying that now.

Yeah. And imagine doing that in the fifties, but here's what's interesting too is there was like on, on television in the sixties, you couldn't say anything and they couldn't stay in the same bed. You couldn't show a pregnant woman, right? But at the same time there was the fucking Vietnam war. They're like lighting the hut on fire. It's the same shit.

It's like you can show somebody getting shot in the face on the news. Yeah. But a TV show, you're like, you can't say damn. Yeah. But, and it's just weird how we pick which ones are okay. And the one that we pick as okay is always way worse. Right. Well, you know, like you can't show a pregnant woman on TV in the fifties, but you could

do a hitting your wife joke. You could make a, like a, like a black guy is stupid joke, you know, but like the pregnant woman, that's not, that's like a biological. That's not even offensive. It's a, we're topsy-turvy here. And now they're saying, fuck on ESPN. I'm watching the Jordan doc. He says, fuck right on there on ESPN, Disney, which is wild.

But now you couldn't have Archie Bunker. Like you said, would be like, oh, these Spicks are annoying. And that would be on like ABC. You can't have, you know, Jim Belushi being like, how these dirty Jews, right? If it flipped the offensive ship flipped, it's, it's gone a full 180. The bad stuff back then is now fine. And you know, vice versa. Very strange.

And we've talked about this a bunch also, but in the sixties, it was like the Republican conservatives being like, if you let people say shit, they're going to be shooting heroin. And now it's the left. That's like, what are you crazy? You can't say black guy. Yes. How did that happen? It just flipped around.

But I completely agree. But now that we know it's flipped, wouldn't the Republican and liberal go, oh yeah, what are we doing? It's, we know it just morphs gradually and you just accept it. That's the normal. Yeah. I think a lot of things would be like, oh yeah, let's try to get on the same page here. Yeah.

Oh, you made an incest joke. What are you, like, yeah, that's a joke. Yeah. I didn't do it. Strange days. Well, I feel like we're with the roast where we're doing the roast. I'm like, I think this is like ironically a safe space for non-safe material. Yes.

Yes. I think about that a lot. Like it's what we consider a safe space. Like the podcast. Right. But are, are we saying or are they saying, who's crazy here? You know, cause like we're on a roast saying, hey, your mom's a fat cunt who should kill herself and that's all fun and games, but other people would say that's horrific.

I don't want to hear that in a safe space, but I'm like, well, if I go to your safe space, you'll crucify me. So who's it safe for? You or me or what? Which one's safe? Well, the, it only gets crazy when people are like, that person shouldn't be allowed to have work in comedy or at a job or this place. That's where it gets crazy.

Right. Yeah. It's all opinion. It's like, I don't think you should say that. Yes. But, and I, I'm all about everybody can have their opinion. Obviously everybody's entitled to that, but when they go, my opinion is the law. That's when it gets weird.

Like I don't like this. So it should never exist. Like what? Why? How entitled are you? You don't like it? So we can't have it. What a cookie system.

It gets a little cookie, a little strange, but yeah, I don't know. It's all above my pay grade. Speaking of which, that, that Jordan doc, I haven't seen a lick of it, but I heard he made it. What do you mean? He made it. He made it. He won six championships, baby.

No, no. I heard it's his doc. Like he produced it and wrote it or whatever, directed it. I think he gave the go ahead. So that film, from what I understand that film company shot it in 1997, 98. And then I think it might have been hit with his permission or the bull's permission. Then he was like, fucking bury this thing. I don't want anyone to see it or whatever.

And then he finally came around for whatever reason. It was like, you know what? Play that footage and they're shooting it. So I think he might have final say on what gets cut in or whatnot. I don't know. Oh, all right. He's not directing it. Okay.

Somebody told me that and I was like, wait, what? That feels a little biased then. I don't know if I'm going to get the real juice if he has a hand in making it. No, there's, I mean, there's juice in there. It shows a lot. I mean, they're criticizing him and showing his negative side and him saying, fuck whatever. But I love it. I'm a little upset because we're doing this roast thing and the fucking final night of

the Jordan dock after eight hours, hours nine and 10 or during our show. But luckily I have ESPN plus on demand. So, but it's pretty fucking awesome. It's, it's been the highlight of, or one of the highlights of the quarantine for me. Yeah. So you prefer to watch it in its premier time spot. Well, it's so good and I'm so obsessed with it. I want to watch it as early as humanly possible.

I got you. But it is weird. I keep going to pause because I'm so used to streaming everything. I keep being like, hold on, check the, oh, and I can't. Is there something kind of special about having it right on TV and like fresh? Not just because it's new, but like, because it's like the old days again. It's, it's right there. It's like when you find a song on the radio you love, you're like, I probably would have

never picked this song on my iPod, but now it's on the radio just randomly. It's fun. Yes, exactly. It's an event like all day. I'm like, okay, one hour, half hour, and it feels like sports. That's when I mean sports is by far the thing I miss the most within all of this, even more than comedy, because it's like that anticipation, the excitement of like, here we go, something's going to happen.

And now with the doc, I know everything that happens, but it's still a different angle and it's inside and it's, it's fun. It really just sucks my dick a lot. Yeah. Even as a guy who's not a huge sports nut, I really can understand, you explained to me the best, the unpredictability. Everything else you go, oh, the sitcom, okay, he's going to fall for her. She's going to blow him.

His dad's gay. Boom. We're done. But sports is like, this could go either way. I don't know if he's going to break his ankle. He could, he could make the score at the last fucking buzzer. You never know. Yeah.

Everything else is written and created and manipulated. I mean, sports are manipulated in some ways, but I always say there's so few chances in life to say, oh my God, I can't believe what just happened. Right. Right. See, here's my beef, and it's not really a beef, but here's my queef with sports is, I watch a game, I go, okay, if he loses great, if they lose or win great. It doesn't mean that much to me because it's just a team and they trade teams, but I watch

a boxing match or UFC and I'm like 100% invested because it's Joe versus Billy. It's Nancy versus Joe. It's just these two people and they're feeling each blow. It's not like, oh, the Jets, it's Bob. But see, conversely, and this is partly upbringing or whatever, because maybe your parents were into sports. The other way to look at it for me is like the Red Sox are this thing that I've been in love with since I was five, since the earliest age.

Your aunt and your father go, this is our team right here. These are our guys and you get packed up and the only time you're enjoying your life as a fucking child and as an adult is we're getting in the car and we're going to the city and we're going to go watch the fucking Sox and when they win, we're happy. When they lose, mom gets hit and it's that thing, that representative of the town, of the city becomes a part of who you are. Whereas individual sports, which I also love, like tennis, I'm just like, come on, Steve. Yeah.

Go get them. I'm not, there's no relation to him. I don't know that fucking guy. What do I care if he loses? But with team sports, the big B is right on the sweater. That's my town. That's my city. That's us.

These fucking drunk, angry Irish guys are represented by these French Canadian fruits. Interesting. I feel you, Faddy. I get it. But it's just a shirt. Yeah. It's just a shirt. I mean, that's just a guy in shorts.

I don't know. That's just a dude. That guy's a guy. That guy's got feelings. That guy's got a life. He hits his wife and shit too. I mean, I don't know. I don't care about the guy.

He's a fucking, he's a loser. I care about the uniform, the team, the entity, the unit, the sports. That's fascinating. I feel for the guy. The uniform. I mean, I care about the guy too, obviously. I feel, I mean, the older I get, the more I feel for like losers because I feel like a loser in my life.

But I mean, you see a guy miss a free throw and you're like, God, I'm thinking about that guy's family and the PTSD has. But yeah, the Red Sox, the Bruins, they're like this entity that breathes and lives in my soul and being where I love Roger Federer, but you know, he's a fella. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. He's a fella. I get you.

It's kind of like Batman. It's kind of like Batman. I don't care Ben Affleck or Val Kilmer or Clooney, people are like, oh, Clooney's Batman. What the fuck? It's like, yeah, but it's still Batman. Isn't that what you like? Right. What are you getting all hyped up about the guy in the mask?

Like I know he's a, it's going to be a good looking white guy either way. With the sports thing and switching teams, it sucks how much they switch teams now, particularly the NBA. It's like a joke, but there's also something fun about like, we got that guy. All right. Let me look into that guy. I love this guy now. You know, Luis Rivera, I'm like, oh, okay, all right.

He's from Puerto Rico. All right. And now you're our guy. Come on, buddy. You're with us now. And then he stinks and you're like, fucking get out of here. Beat it. You're making us all look bad.

You fucking loser. There's something fun about that. Let me see the new guys. Let's see the new list. Let's see the new team. But I've watched enough drafts in my day to where I'm like, does he want to be on that team? I know they picked him, but I want him to want to be on my team.

I don't want him to just get half to go because he got picked. I want him to want to come. First and foremost, I don't believe you've ever watched one draft ever. But I've never finished one. They're brutal. It's always some fucking chubby white guy going, all right, he's in a blazer and his dad's there. I get it, but just tell me who they picked.

I don't need to see him get it. The draft is weird. I'm not a draft guy. I'm not an off season sports guy. I don't care about arbitration and the contracts and all the business. I just like the games. I turn it on right as the game starts. I like the physicality of it.

It's the same with like, we talked about like deflate gate and the Astros banging the thing. I'm like, I don't give a fuck steroids. The rapes are fun. Like the rapes and the, oh, this guy got a DUI and he drove through a playground. You're like, all right. Yeah. That's neat. I guess.

But even when they're like, the Astros didn't win. They fight. I'm like, yeah, they did. I watched it. What are you talking about? I watched the game. They want it. They all ran out in the field and hugged.

I don't give a shit about some trash barrel. Like the bad calls and the, he cheated and all that. Yeah. I mean, some of that stuff, but like, yeah, the cheating shit or the deflate gates and I'm like, okay, whatever the ball. Fuck you. What are you talking about? And that's not even, I bring up the Astros and that's not even like, cause I'm a local

guy. I don't care about any of it. Right. I'm like, I just liked the game. None of it. Some of it since like, you know, you hear like, oh wow, Tebow is a, is a Muslim or whatever it is. There's a virgin.

I'm like, what? That's fascinating. Now every time he catches the ball, I go, this guy's never gotten laid. No, I'm interested in some of that. But I mean, I think he's gay, but, oh, that's even better. But great ball player. I loved him when he was in college. I loved the guy.

Hot guy. He's a hunk. Um, but yeah, it's fun. It's something to do, but it is that I definitely miss it. Like at first when the quarantine was starting, it was in March and I was like, this is great. I'll watch every second of the tournament. And then they cancel it. And I was like, Hey, wait a second.

Yeah. Apparently some guys are such sportos that they'll go watch, you know, old games. I can't do that. I've tried that a couple of times. I get like too sad. I get too emotional because I'm like, I remember it and there's no, you just want to watch new baseball. Right.

Right. Right. But they're playing Korean baseball now. I've taken in some of that. That's fun. That feels like an oxymoron. If Korean baseball, that's like women's basketball. I don't know.

It just doesn't feel real. Yeah. The Asians, they love baseball. More Japan than Korea, but I don't know if, uh, I don't know. Huge in Japan. Mr. Baseball, Ichiro, the other guy. What is, uh, what is an Asian sport? Do they make their own sports?

What do they got? Bachi ball? Or I guess that's Italian. What do they do? Karate. Sumo. They got Sumo and Jiu Jitsu started in Japan and I'm talking team. Well, baseball is huge in Japan.

But that's ours. That's true. I don't know what they created. Samurai. Yeah. Kamikaze. Chopsticks. Duck sauce.

I don't know. Growing stars. Well, we bombed him pretty hard there. That must have been rough. Running from that. That's like a track meet. I love, uh, Quinn's great bit about give him hell Harry. It was like a sarcastic nickname because he was like a big pussy.

And so they're like, ah, give him hell Harry. And he's like, oh yeah, I'll give him hell. I will give them literal hell. They're like, Jesus, we're kidding. Right. Take an easy hair. Oh, I got an inner ear itch. Don't you hit the inner ear itch?

Hate the inner ear itch, but it's almost worth it for this, for the satisfaction of the scratch. Jesus. Well, you got a little orange. Well, it's all the flux. By the way, some Tuesday messaged me and he's like, Hey, just to let you know, uh, reflux uh, highly increases your chances of, uh, esophageal cancer and I'm like, I know that don't fucking tell.

I'm trying to get over it. I'm trying to be okay. Mentally. I'm fucking, uh, I'm quiffing every day. I didn't leave the house for three weeks and I'm eating cinnamon rolls like they're going out of style and all of a sudden I got to worry about osteoporosis and esophageal cancer. Jesus.

Esophageal. That's adulthood right there. You don't hear a kid saying that word. It's scary to me because I'm like, what, how bad is it going to suck? If I die because of this, we're joking about it, silent re and the cupcakes and whatever. And then I just die because I ate too many chocolate chip cookies. It's cookie. It's like, it's like a curse your mom gave you.

If you keep eating that chocolate chip cookie, you're going to die. You're like, God, shut up, you old bag. But Dr. Drew, who's been very credible throughout this, he said, um, he's doing great. He was like reflux ain't shit. And then I go to this guy, Dr. Aviv was like a celebrity doctor and he's like, you're fine. You're fine. So I'm going to get regular checks.

I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't suck dick anymore. Yeah. I don't know. Those were the days. Well, it's ever since quarantine. I can't find one.

I tell you, I can be there in eight minutes, but yeah, it's, it's tough. I think, I think it's, it's fine. It's fine. If you don't push it, you don't want to get a fucking toll house factory in your bedroom, you know, and go nuts every day. Well, I think I'm like, occasionally during quarantine, I've, we've had pizza a couple of times, but I had one spicy burrito, but I think if I cut out soda, I cut out smoking cigars.

I limited on tomato sauce and spicy. I meditate. I sleep. I, you know, I eat my wife out. I think we'll be okay. Yeah. I wonder if puss juice is either, it's got to go either way. It's got to be harmful or the cure.

Well, I think that's how Michael Douglas got AIDS. Oh yeah. He got a throat cancer, right? Yeah. That's the eating pussy. I mean, I haven't eaten a pussy since 1988. I, as soon as I heard rumors, I quit. I guess, uh, but geez, I don't know.

I feel like, I feel like he's eating a couple of different boxes in his day. He's had quite a run. Oh yeah. So that might be part of it. I think you got one lady, Vege, you're, you're safe. Yeah. I mean, something's going to kill us, I guess, but the idea is. Getting cancer from eating cookies and pizzas.

Such a stinker. Ooh. Oh yeah. I know. And it's got to hurt the ladies. If I was a lady, I'd be like, no, we only have a few things and this is going to give you cancer. I'll never get eaten out again.

It's killing me. So if you're a doctor right in, make, make me feel a little better. Give me a little like, you're fine. It takes years. Cause that's what someone else said. I was like, I'm like, I'm reading all these stats about esophageal and they're like, it's got to be years of untreated and smoking. And I'm like, am I trying to take peps and AC in the morning and night?

I don't know. What the fuck? Yeah. If you do die, which probably won't happen, it'll be a slow, long, painful death. It won't be sudden. So you got time. All right. That's good.

That doesn't sound so bad. Yeah. You'll be all right. Well, all the Tuesdays will chip and we'll have like a fun telethon for you. That sounds good. Yeah. Maybe I'll get it for fun then. Yeah.

There you go. Well, we got to put a cap on this bottle here. Oh, geez. Yeah. Check out the special. Check out Joe's Netflix half hour there on the standups and check out Coast Coast Rose if you're bored and lonely and gay and it's up there available for you. Helium.com, I believe.

Yeah. It's sports. It's kind of like sporty. It fills the need for comedy and sports at the same time. It's this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then next week will be the finals and semi-finals. And some of the jokes are great and people are really, some people are not, but a lot of people are taking it serious and really writing some killer bits.

Totally. Totally. I'm having a blast just hearing the jokes and then, I mean, what's more fun than being able to razz somebody publicly and it's okay. You know, like we've already run it by them and they said, yeah, go for it. Yeah. It's exciting. So check that out for sure and get on the Patreon.

When we get to 3,000, you're going to get the stranger by the Lake commentary and that's going to be fun. I just want to see the goddamn porn. I want to die to see it. It's going to be something. So everyone get up to the Patreon or tell someone to sign up, email a friend, spread the word about the podcast, wash your hands, wear a mask, and you know, blow your cousin for fun.

Yeah. And the whole thing has been spreading well. I feel like it's getting bigger. I feel like we're getting new fans, new messages, new listeners, new gays. And keep telling people, keep spreading the love because you spread it, they'll be happy to have some comedy in their life and we'll be happy to have a new listener. Yeah. And people keep sending us fan art and shit in the Photoshop.

That stuff's killer. So thanks a lot. We appreciate it. And we're doing that too. Send it all. Because we have no standards. We have no painting skills. So we'll post anything.

We'll put anything up. You get Lego porn, you get a painting, you get a statue with me with a tiny chode, whatever you got. I'll put it up. Yeah. We're dumb people. So thanks for listening. We appreciate it.

If you've ever been on the Patreon, if you're on the Patreon, it's really, really, really helping myself and my wife. We appreciate it. Oh, yeah. We're all going to die one day, folks. It's all about the dance. There's no point to life. Just live it up.

All right. I'm going to kill myself. You ever listen to Alan Watts? Alan Watts started this whole thing for me. Yeah. I love this guy. He's great. The wisdom of insecurity.

Yeah. That's how I came to all my Tick-Mot. I found Alan Watts that's led to Tick-Mot Hunt, which led to Jack Cornfield, which led to Tyra Brock. Wow. We could have been hanging out years ago. Yeah. Love them all.

Holy shit. That thing about how life, it's like, don't look at it as this journey with a goal. It's just like a song. There's no point to a song. It's just pretty. And there's no ending. It's just a song for the sake of song. Yeah.

That's how you should live your life. Then he drank himself to death. Did he? I believe so. Oh, damn it. You just killed it for me. What can you do? He's alive and well, sort of.

He's ticking. Clock's ticking. Oh, check out Mindful Metal Jacket, speaking of which. This is all we talk about. There you go. All right. All right. I got to take a shit.

My throat hurts. All right. I got to take a throat. My shit hurts. Take it easy. All right. I'm signing off. See you in hell.

Praise Allah. George the Saint. Cut it. Where are the cameras?