Tuesdays with Stories! - #350 Double Toast

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

Holy hell, we're gay and Zoomin' as Mark has trouble sleeping, jerking off, and getting paid while Joe's bagel place is overrun during quarantine. Check it out! Sponsored by: Antoine's Cookies (antoinescookieshop.com code: tuesdays) & ExpressVPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hey everybody welcome to another quaren-queef Tuesdays with stories I'm Joe list right over there there you go sorry yeah I'm on no sleep I'm sniffly I'm gay I'm all over the

road how you feeling what happened no sleep I just can't sleep I wake up at 8 a.m. I go to bed at 4 I'm getting like three plus four hours in a row I'm I'm losing it I'm just there's nothing to do yeah I think I I've been saying at the whole time I think we don't understand I know people don't want to hear about quarantine and pandemics and whatever but it's hard not to talk about it I think we don't realize the subconscious yes mental effect that's happening you know everyone's goes I fine it's kind of nice I don't have to worry about this and that but it's we're a social animal yes and where our

lives have been flipped turned upside down yeah I mean we were on the road every day out in the clubs every night crowds outlet expression gone all gone and it's starting to really make me second I watch all these movies I was watching a movie yesterday people get on a flight I start crying right they show the Eiffel Tower I shit my pants yeah it's it's tough it's tough and I think also you know not to get all choo-chee but you know the human body it was evolved to hunt a fox and eat it and eat out a chick and then blow a guy and then go go to the mountaintop and jerk off and come back and drink out of the pond

and I'm just sitting in my shitty dumb apartment all day and I'm not getting any of that that the stimulus yeah we need juice we need fluids I got a swallow come I mean I haven't seen somebody else's asshole in like three months hold on careful oh geez we're gonna get kicked off the YouTubes sorry that's where I'm at in life but yeah it's tough and how about this I had a fucking breakdown this morning oh do tell Fanny well so one of my favorite Guns N' Roses songs by the way track seven usually in two so I get my bagel every morning lots of bagels on Broadway here in Astoria best

bagel I've ever had my whole life Jews or Asians they can do it all yeah I see them in Mexican restaurants too I see a little a little chip some young back there and I'm like what are you doing making a burrito well there's so many Asians there has to be someone that's good at everything ah yeah good point and bad at everything yeah you gotta have an Asian guitar player and Asian you know violinist and Asian carpenter and Asian Jew yeah I mean they're nailing everything except the porn the porn they're lacking not dickwise I mean like I should say they're

racking but it's it's blurry and pixelated oh is that right I've heard oh they blur out the the dick and balls yeah yeah maybe they're ashamed of the size possibly but I know they have a lot of porn cuz I hear a lot of bits about Asian porn oh yeah it's out there don't get me wrong and they do some sick wacky shit but they still blur out the wee-wee and the woo-woo those are the stars throwing stars we wee-wee and woo-woo starin in the poo-poo poo-poo platter oh boy so any jizz I go to lots of bagels I guess I got a meeting at 11 I try to

get some experience strength and hope from my fellow drunks and so there's a meeting at 11 a.m. I said I'll start my day with a nice you know some mental health I get I sleep late cuz I can't sleep so we're trying we're doing CBD feels CBD and we Sarah and I do Tylenol PM weekends Friday and Saturday we allow ourselves the Tylenol PM to get a little extra so I got CBD and Tylenol PM so I'm fucking I'm like you know who's that guy that slept Van Winkle Ray and wrinkle yeah Winklevoss twins I know you're talking about wrinkle van stinkle yeah yeah that's a good move I gotta I'm that's what I'm gonna do

tonight I'm doing a Xanax I'm doing a value I'm taking a plan B and some some special K and I'm just gonna knock out cuz I keep trying to do it myself I have one melatonin I'm like oh come on to the body needs sleep it'll happen but the brain is too strong well I feel the CBD oil I was always on the fence about this business but it really seems to help me I have my eyes get heavy yeah it helps and it kind of shuts the thoughts down but I chugged that feels the first night and I need some more hit me up feels I got yeah the anxiety is tough and it's right when you lay down as soon as you lay your head down you're like oh I wish I

could always feel as good as I feel now when I first wake up when I first wake up I have horrific anxiety yeah yeah but then I do my meditation every day and after that I feel excited I know what I'm doing in the morning I'm like I'm gonna get up I stretch I do my meditation I go to lots of bagel would not be going for a run lately I'll meditate I'll go for a run that's get my bagel and then I come and I watch something I'm watching something a movie or a TV whatever and I have my bagel and my coffee it's when that ends that I'm like should I write a movie should I do a push-up should I my dad I mean what a

way that's when I lose it yeah I'm lazy I should be doing more I should be being productive I suck at life I'm a worthless fucking homo yeah I'm with you so this morning I'm gonna do this meeting 11 I sleep in a little bit because I took town all PM and put some CBD in my ass yeah I wake up I'm on the wrong side of the bed you're just anxious you're frustrated I go to lots of bagels there's a line out the door now do you have this ever you're not as much a creature of habit maybe but I go to the same place every morning and I'm like the only one there sometimes one other guy in front of me but you go there on

Sunday line out the door I have this elite this I don't know if it's elitist but this thing of like this is my spot I know the feeling everybody here get out of the way it's like the cellar when you go there in the tables a bunch of people that you're like do you even work here what is rest right right yeah I know what you mean exactly and not to mention you got to stand six feet apart like a bunch of weirdos so the lines out to Brooklyn yeah the lines out the door there's four fucking assholes and then so I go all right let it pass I'll go to Starbucks I'll get my teeth first cuz Starbucks is open again thank Christ so I go over

there of you know event-free whatever you call it no incidents get my tea it's nice and I do feel like you were talking about there's some nice cities there you're like I appreciate you being here they're like hey have a good day we're both wearing masks of hard-ons it's nice it's like it's yeah it's like a small town again everybody's chit-chatting feels good so I get my tea I go back to lots of bagels the line is no longer out the door but it's still slow because a bunch of waiting and then it's getting those minutes are ticking closer to the meeting I if I'm late for anything I want to kill myself oh I've seen it so

it's 1052 1053 finally they take the asshole in front of me and he's got one of these orders now I also have this I'm like I just want a whole wheat bagel nothing on it not toasted slice it in half stick it in my ass and I'll leave sure but he goes up there let me get a peppermint seed double toasted ex double toasted extra cream cheese and orange juice with no pulp oh god what is this a Mc Ryan oh and then he does the second one also double toasted what is it what does that mean Burt's I've never heard of double toasted that's what they did in a fucking Auschwitz never heard of a double toast you gotta toast it and

then toast it again yeah that you take it out put it back in and this guy's wacky well so now we're up to four toasts I gotta wait for four toasts yeah you can't pause toast that's too many toasts and so yeah halitosis this guy just goes on and on it's like a nine-minute thing and it's three minutes to Wapner two minutes to Wapner finally gets out of there that's a rain man reference oh I thought it was an Italian no remember they were trying to watch people's court oh right right wow deep pull there fatty yeah it's a great scene they are in there making legal history Ray yeah double toast this guy's go imagine him

at a wedding he gives two toast and he did a double double toast yes double trouble both bagels need a double toast yeah I don't like them it's a quadruple toast anyways it took forever finally I get my bagel I he puts it in the bed the lady there she knows I give it a see you tomorrow and I gave it extra lot this is what a fucking cunt I am I did an extra see you tomorrow to let everyone know I'm here every day right I'm not some weekend warrior asshole like these douches yeah I'm not my single toaster but I'm here every day I do no toast I got a toaster at home I'll toast at home I want toast I don't know I

don't do the toasting either I don't get these guys gotta be toasted yeah shut up it just puts a little brown on it I like soft if yeah say my panties my panties are toasted yeah my dick soft I'm a fan of a I'll go I'll go this level I like a steak fry I like a french fry and I don't want the crispy ones I hate the crispy me too aha where we're the minority here I like a gooey like the softer the better I like I'm a mashed potato in there I want a limp dick I want a wacky I want to smush it in my fingers and it's almost like a paste like a mashed potato same same exact thing what's nice is my wife she likes

a burnt so we get together like you know a square peg and a round asshole yen and Andrew Yang so anyways then I come back and now it's like it's 11 so I'm late to me like to me I'm a 10 minutes early or 11 minutes late whatever that case saying is diamond doesn't our key our key I don't know if it swells in the heat or what we probably have a locksmith listening but it keeps every few weeks couple months it jams you can't open it the front door hey damn it hurts your finger cuz you're trying to hit the metal on finger aha I couldn't get the fucking door open and my wife sleeps till 4 in the afternoon so I'm

buzzing the doorbell trying to get in cuz now I'm late I got a bagel a hot tea and I can't open the fucking door and there's nothing worse where that's the way when you got shit in your hands the clock's ticking and you can't get somewhere that's that's so frustrating well it's so frustrated too and it's your front door cuz now every time I enter my house I'm entering it upset you're right yeah and you just want in you want your TV you want your couch you want your shit yeah and so now I have to buzz in I had to have the neighbors buzz cuz Sarah's out walking with her sis and so I had to have the neighbors buzz me

in this time very and then I get in and well that was basically it but I was a little bit late I hated I have the if you late to an AA I feel like they'd be pretty upset cuz that shit gets vulnerable you know there's some guys in the middle of telling a I blew a guy at a rest stop and you're like oh sorry just couldn't get my bagel and he's like Jesus I'm pouring my heart out here and this queef can't give me two minutes well it's a zoom so you kind of just pop in and it's whatever but I mean the physical meeting it's it's it is weird almost because the door always makes a squeak it's like yeah the more subtle

you try to be the more like an asshole you look you're doing the tiptoe right and then you're gonna tear out exactly and the paper bags like right right is that weird how cuz sometimes my lady will sleep till 4 a.m. 4 p.m. as well and I like the alone time so I'm like oh I'll just let her sleep and I'll I'll watch Brady Bunch or whatever the hell I'm doing and every little thing is so loud you don't realize how loud it is until you're trying to be quiet you know you pop the top of the oatmeal you know you turn the other than water on she like Jesus Christ well what's going on here it's like a blind guy I hear

everything I'm like daredevil in my kitchen I hear a pin drop and a hummingbird outside queefing I'm reminded of two things Tommy John again hasn't amazed at a great bit about this I think it's on stand-up comedy three but he's he said I'm doing everything short of dipping my potato chips in water before I eat them exactly like a hero shema what's that guy's name Nagasaki Oh yes so he's talking about dipping his potato chips and then the other one is that great joke about Sinbad had a great bit about when you cheat on your girlfriend and then you're trying to sneak in he's like and the birds be

talking about yo Sinbad! The birds man there's nothing funnier than a black guy setting up a punch by saying be talking about Richard Pryor has that one he's like you ever have that good sex I'm talking that good say you know toes be talking about come on it's it the whole that punchline is him wiggling his fingers to be toes well I hadn't seen speaking of Sinbad I haven't seen or heard from him in a while and you hung with him didn't you I did I did I was a huge fan as a kid he had that snowmobile suit on the black of the blue pink suit remember yeah he's

like man when your mom's mad at you you can't get away her arm goes like ten feet don't you run for me and he catch he catches him at the end of the block she's still on the porch I don't know but a huge fan of Sinbad and I did a gig at Caroline's like a showcase show and he was doing the 8 o'clock headlining and I was on like a 1030 show I show up at 1025 and he's still going he goes to like 1110 he must have done two hours or whatever people are trickling out and I was like what the fuck is this I was so angry but I was like I'll watch some Sinbad my night's over and then he felt guilty about going long and there's a

bunch of comics sitting there that he told us stories for like an hour so it's like I know you think you're helping us out and being nice but and the stories were cool but you just did two hours now you do another hour to six comics how narcissistic are you you wacko and look the stories were fun but it was still like can we leave at this point or we have to listen to this I know he's like a higher level up and a legend or whatever but I just want to go like you bumped me already now I got to listen to you there's nothing better than putting or whatever at the end of legend you know what I mean he's a he's something he

had a sitcom I think he had a Caribbean thing I think he had a late-night thing but yeah I hadn't seen or heard from him in a while and my best pal Derek who's off to mention on the show his mother was a big fan he got her a Sinbad cameo for Mother's Day wow he sent it to me I might have to play it I'll put it on the patreon with this permission yeah go check out the patreon for a Sinbad cameo too personal now that'll be fun he must be cleaning up on that's that that cameo because the people who know him know him like he was a clean comic well I'll tell you it's a pretty good bargain we could go hapsies on it 65 bucks what

that's high it's high for a cameo but to me as my friend Derek said it's a steal baby I guess I guess Sinbad he had a great story about how he didn't get paid so he went back with a friend and broke into the club and stole the sound equipment oh wow that's a felony yeah he was a bad boy you know back in his day I think he's like a Chicago street tough or something like that a Sinbad boy well aha he's he's great but it was fun because he personalizes the message like he said you know say something about he asks about the subject right so he'll be like hey I heard Susan really likes playing tennis what you doing playing

tennis you're gonna pull a hamstring grandma oh and he does a thing and it was pretty fun it was fun and funny and it was making me laugh but I also felt kind of sad for the guy yeah yeah cuz you're never gonna see Seinfeld or any of these guys on like Chris Rock they're never gonna do cameo no and then but then I thought I'm like maybe we should be doing cameo I wouldn't mind making 30 bucks to say hey blow me Steve it's pretty crazy cuz I'm like a cameo I would never do that it makes you look bad it looks weak but then I talked to some you know Brennan shop he's like I just made two grand I went and had a sushi dinner you

know I'm like oh yeah it's a good point yeah the polo's on there yeah why not but it I'm so dumb I'll do a free thing on Instagram like somebody'll mess with me can you send my daughter a birthday I'm like hey you fat skank happy birthday you fucking whore and I'm like I did that for free but then I'm like I'm talking about cameo so maybe I should do it yeah we will we made one together for a fellow named Shane yeah that was fun I mean that one I even edited took me time oh wow that was free for free so yeah let me ask you there sloppy jalopy these and you don't think it too I know this is personal shit and and confidential but

these a a meetings not the zoom but the real ones is that heavy-duty shit are we talking crying men and non-vets and drunk lunatics trying to hug you and shit well I mean there's some of that I mean I don't want to get too into it because there's traditions involved and people take this very serious and I don't want this anybody off but yeah there's some there's some heavy shit I mean some there's nothing some there's just like that was crazy all right thank you take care I just I'm going all a fight club bitch tits the crying on the tits that's the name tag the coffee the donuts it's pretty I feel like every movie that

tries to depict it you're like I don't think it's anything like that it's always like a slow zoom and there's a guy like because I didn't whatever yeah yeah exactly the movie flight I think they nailed it the best okay but yeah sometimes it's heavy but I can't get too into it I'll get emails from people saying hey what the fuck you fucking asshole what about the religion part though in that little like that's what I'd be like all right I got it I'm gonna have a beer well it's all of your own choosing you can you don't have to you don't have to do anything religious I think people think it's like a cult it's

just people that are fucked up helping people that are fucked up all right well that's nice it's a lot of I've done that don't worry haha that kind of thing oh yeah that is nice it's quite little one quite nice quite delightful yeah and you can go if you're still boozing right you're not you're not supposed to it's not a hang I mean I haven't seen anybody I want to get in there if we just put we should set up a big hang on zoom a comics hang no podcast we don't have to have any fucking bookers show up oh god I don't want a booker well we had a incident oh yeah yeah but I mean a nice hang get a bunch of comics to show up

and just go all right everyone talks one at a time yeah I like that that's a great I feel like I need it I'm getting what's the word stir crazy over here oh I'm crazy I'm stirring and I'm crazy yeah Sarah's about to go to Texas for a week so I'm gonna be all alone now is that exciting or is that scary well I guess it's nice to take a break because we use I mean we're not fighting we're getting along great but we're used to being apart for days at a time right I watched um that guy sat Dan Savage was on real time last week or two weeks big well he was talking about there's a fear that like a lot of people are gonna get

divorced because they're spending all this time with their girlfriends or wives and they're like I can't do this we gotta break up but what they don't realize is you're with the right person you're just used to the built-in separate time right so once it goes back to normal your relationship will be great again even better because you'll have that separation time and you know you can hang when it's tight and close but now you'll have the close relationship with some space it's gonna be perfect right so yeah so don't if you're having a relationship troubles in quarantine folks don't jump to

conclusions yeah but I know one couple already broke up and I'm like well how did you get rid of them they live together so they did they that person buy an apartment you know cookie yeah but yeah she's gonna she's gonna go I'm a little nervous because she's driving with her sister but then she's gonna fly back and those flights it's it definitely increases your chances of coming back with the the business with the Rona yeah yeah I'm starting to think we're we're I mean I don't want to sound like Tucker Carlson here but I'm starting to think that if you're okay now I think you'll be okay like I think

if you're young and somewhat healthy and don't have a preconceived pre-existing anal I think you're okay a preconceived notion yeah I think you're okay for a while I'm I'm gonna say even if you got it you'd be okay it might suck for two days or three days but I think it'll be alright yeah hopefully what depends I mean that's what's so weird is there's just enough people that are like I exercise nine times a day I eat nothing but you know chicken soup and I almost died yeah yeah that's true there's enough of those where you kind of get nervous but I'm like maybe you have polio you don't know it or something yeah I

think we'll be okay yeah I think so too I think I should come to your house but I don't want to push it I just don't see the benefit of that with the podcast at least this is fun that's true it's normalcy I'd be hanging with you it's face-to-face I don't know but we wouldn't be able to fit on camera together being six feet apart true true we get a zoo a wide lens or a split screen but then yeah it's the same shit we could go split anal maybe we'll do it maybe we'll do it in a week or so but then what are you gonna do you take the subway now you're in the subway you're contaminated I could take the subway I could take the

hog I could take a uber all the hogs not bad haha I have a hog if you hog over here I'm interested well if we do we got to plug this if if what do we get if we get 3,000 patreon we're gonna do the stranger by the anal stranger by the anal that would be fun to do together that's what I'm saying I can't do that we're gonna be pausing and I'm gonna be missing a step but you're gonna be ahead of me and I'm gonna be jerking off so I feel like we got to do that together it's a good point maybe when Sarah's gone you come over we watch strangers by the leg but here's the issue it's gonna be just you and me on that couch

watching gay porn it might get weird that's all I've ever wanted this is what I've been waiting for this my whole life I mean this could result in a 69 which would really be a good patreon I mean the ladies would be all over it yeah if you don't buy that if you don't become a member for that you're you're kooky I mean I just I think one time I mean one time Greg Stone and I in the Tampa condo we sat actually we watched broke back mountain on my laptop and our legs were touching and there was a moment where he thought I was trying to fuck him I believe it yeah I mean that feels like a setup and broke back mountain by

the way it's like a rom-com compared to oh boy just by the lake oh boy all right well yeah it's gonna be weird I'll bring a condom I mean it's gonna you're gonna see the purple head of a dick shooting a white load well I mean I still watch a lot of porn with then have men in it so I've seen the load shot it just happens to be on a on a dyke or a lady I always forget cuz I'm not really a porn guy I forget that there's hot dicks coming oh yeah they're hot and how about this I'm since I'm trapped in this birdhouse with this broad over here I'm jerking it quietly like it's a high school again oh I haven't jerk I haven't jerked since

fucking Reagan was in office I snuck one in because I was like yeah this will be a thrill it's like I got my mom in the next room and I'm rubbing one out over here I got the porn on my phone and I'm like I hear a queen for a creek and I'm like yeah I put the blanket over me it's like 1999 again yeah in some ways your girlfriend walking in on you is more embarrassing that's good point yeah the mom gets it oh kids will be kids they're horny hormones he's gay but the girlfriend's like what do you you don't like me come right now to mention she glances at your computer and you're on you know Michelle Wolfe's Facebook page

or whatever and she's like what is this yeah that would really hurt my dick chances I think but yeah no that's a good point she's gonna see the Asian black Asian lady and freak out yeah I would be horrified for my wife to see what I'm thinking about up there you know yeah yeah yeah definitely oh wow you scared me maybe how about this I got prepared if she walks in I'll flip it over to her Instagram that's a good idea have it ready yes exactly a family photo of hers to just pull up right when I was when I was in my younger days and I would jerk off at my parents house I would have one hand on my dick and one

hand on the last channel button just walked in so I'd go back to C-span or something right then I think you're beaten off to Alan Greenspan well that that Gorbachev that that oil mark up there would be a that's a little target practice what the hell is he doing in Congress it was the 90s I don't know oh well let's get some some ads out of the way here or whatever you say first one I feel like we can go off gut oh my god I mean first of all we've already talked about we gave this gentleman a freebie that's how much we love this product oh yeah this episode is brought to you by and Twan's cookies now this one everyone

can get behind some people I think are confused by shit everyone understands a cookie and this is and you know you guys know me for years I've been the chocolate chip cookie guy this is my favorite chocolate chip cookie numero uno cookie oh that is a big endorsement from this fatty I mean you're a chocolate chip connoisseur you're a triple C I'm a Nazi I'm a triple C Nazi Antoine I'm not even reading the thing I can't even figure it out here Antwan's isn't just a fan of the show oh yeah he's a fan of the show by the way he has devoted the last seven years of his life to making amazing cookies whatever gets you going

folks snickerdoodle chocolate chip dark chocolate chip walnut chip white chocolate macadamia peanut butter cup toffee for the grande damey I don't know how to what this says of them all oatmeal chip Antwan is whooping up whipping up a batch I should have just gone off my tits yeah I'm going back off my tits get an Antwan's cookie they're fucking killer and he's he's a small business so support the small business to deliver it right to your door and it's still fresh and it's just sugary it's perfect it's so good I I like to heat them up like a little you know Jew in the 40s and really get in there and let

that gooey chocolate run I love the peanut butter cup that might be my favorite and he's yeah he's a good guy and he sells over 400,000 cookies a year and the Tuesdays have been lining up I see all the Instagram stories I see the tweets they're fans so get on it folks also it's organic unbleached flour that's something so right now Antwan is giving all you gays 15% off of your order at Antwanscookyshop.com and use the code Tuesdays for 15% off that's not too shabby that's a n t o i n e s cookie shop dot com promo code Tuesdays for 15% off folks get on it and get a cookie today and this episode is

also brought to you by ExpressVPN you know we love ExpressVPN being stuck at home these days you're probably using the internet more than ever we were just talking about this very subject but it might not you might not be too concerned about privacy on your home network but you should be if you open a private tab on your browser and no one can see what you're up to right you get along well we got a break it to you folks your online activity can still be traced and even if you clear your browsing history your internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever visited there you

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there folks you don't want to be caught watching you know fat granny's 19 or whatever yeah if you got the means support the people that support our show because we need it now and speaking of your support we are really cooking with the patreon we're getting closer and closer to our goal of 3000 patrons which will get you an audio commentary of the film stranger by the lake whoa and you should do it just to get mark out of the house and into my house and yeah I mean what a gay adventure I hop on the hog I go to your place your your wife's out of town I mean the whole thing sounds like a like a fun homosexual romp it's pretty

spicy so get on there all of the first 174 episodes are on there the early early days and some great interviews on there some great guests all the live episodes are on there there's a shitload of those oh yeah those are my favorite episodes although this might be in my top three right here I'm having a grand old time here this is a fun one sin bad although it's early yeah we got a whole another half but we'll pack it out I got some ideas and so yeah get on the patreon it's also our only means of income so that you'd really be helping out a couple of douchebags here and yeah and you guys know you probably went through

the whole catalog so why not get extra shit get on that patreon get the live apps get the backlog get everything yeah you can hear the whole evolution of the program god there was one thing I needed to add that I wanted to talk about ah and it's escaped me it's killing me it'll come back it'll come back much like a hungry kitten fuck me I had this one I hate my biggest griping life is passwords and signing in and logging on and all that shit drives me fucking bat shit Wuhan bat wet market and so I've been trying to get paid on YouTube for my special and so I go in it says you have a hold I'm like ah hold you know right

when you get through all the bullshit you get in there there's a hold so now you got to deal with the hold so I check out the hold it says your money is being held in a claims court in Delaware and I go what the fuck are we doing here with Delaware who's in Delaware so what Biden I guess and Delaware bunch of that does that famous Washington painting oh yeah that's a that's the Delaware River haha that's the state state I guess Dover place sucks bend over Delaware blows blows blows and so I have to call up Delaware you know there they're stuck in 1881 over there they answered the dance the phone they go here you hear you

I go hey I'm looking for my claims they go what's the claim number you tell them the number they go oh we can't find that but we found this so now apparently I have a bunch of serious XM radio money in that claims court oh wow yeah so it's kind of a happy accident I don't know what happened with the YouTube that fell through but now I'm dealing with that and I have to call serious and it's a whole thing because they go here's the number to call and I had a weird thing where I call the guy and I go hey he goes hello I go yeah sorry to bother you you know I'm trying to find my money in serious XM I'm a comedian and he goes

sir are you in rehab and I go what I thought he was fucking with me like what are you crazy he's you need rehab and I go no I'm looking for serious XM and he goes this is rehab and I was like ah so I called a rehab place and I sound like a crazy person they must have thought you were rehab it doesn't really work that didn't really work I don't think I don't know if I got it retarded it was not a stretch it was a pole it was a hamstring pole right right yeah you pulled a hammy there but so I finally got it together and I got some money on the way but it felt so old-fashioned to have like a wrong number

yeah that's like a classic I mean I have it I can't remember the last time I had a wrong number yeah and it was like an 80s sitcom gag he's like are you looking for rehab but I'm like what are you fucking it what are you saying about me a piece of shit you called me retarded he's like no no this is a rehab I was like ah got it but what the money's on the way and the special is really accruing some funds yeah everyone go out go to the Venmo and then throw some money it's a free special it's a killer special and keep liking it keep commenting and keep posting it all helps because with YouTube the whole rub is length it's no

width they want length they want you to hit that g-spot because they can put more ads in so the longer it is the more money you make so if it's an hour you're cleaning up now why is that what if don't the ads come beforehand though no they go during I mean you can turn them off or on and you can skip them but I throw them in just because I'm trying to make some some clams here oh I didn't know you could do that all that's nice and you can pick when they go so it doesn't ruin a punch so we had to go through and go put one here this this is a setup oh wow boy I'm gonna need your help on this shit I don't know a fucking

idiot I got all kinds of tips on it I'm a whiz now with this shit and you go it's so fun you go in every day you're like oh we're up to 600,000 you check your analytics and it goes like this and the most painful part of it though is the retention what's that mean that means they show you when people watch the most when people drop off when people come back and you're like who that drop off came pretty quick oh that's tough I mean but you gotta understand the try not to take it personally cuz it's like that's every I mean half the people listen to this left after you know Sinbad touched my dad like I mean that's a t-shirt

that sounds like a lyric oh speaking of which we got some new merch coming go hit up remember to be happy to the number two we got a bunch of merch on there we got new merch coming away yeah we got those stickers that say oh surfs up fuck your dad I can't remember what it was oh yeah that was good those are in the works so and then there's a couple new t-shirt designs coming too oh yeah maybe we can get a sticker for a break bread need ass or whatever it was oh yeah I can't remember we're not good at things but call in you know yeah hit those Venmo's and some people just randomly dropping money into both of our get like

someone was like I love Mark special here's ten bucks to me I'm like great great whatever it takes yeah and I had a mean Sam did a zoom last night we talked for like two hours and it was fun having the other YouTube guy the two YouTube guys going at it about how'd you put yours out how's it doing did you feel better about this got any tips for me and that was fun yeah send me a copy because I assume we're going YouTube I mean it's a good way to go you get your big for you get Goldman to tweet it and all these guys and it's good I've seen it it's a killer special and fuck them we're gonna have me you and Sam on YouTube

it's gonna be like a one-two punch haymaker and these networks are gonna go shit we fucked up yeah who needs them and what can you do I mean I'm excited I'm excited about the whole thing I just hope that we're gonna be going back to work soon I guess I gotta date the side splitters they're pushing it so I'll be the side splitters in August I think or July oh no yeah these I guess redder states are like fucking jizz in my asshole I'm not catching anything let's do this yeah we'll see I mean I talked to Vecchio this is fun Dan Soder and Mike Vecchio came over the house the other day we didn't come in we

sat and we stood outside on the sidewalk but it was nice to see some comics I believe it yeah I need that connection fatty and then we bumped into Mike Albany's and Nate McIntosh we're just hanging out great comics great guys they were just sitting outside chatting with them for about a half hour then Vecchio and Soder came by we chatted for 20 minutes and then Chris Skopo's fat ass comes waddling by so we had a nice little foursome there he does have a obscenely large rump he's got catches that he was a catcher oh he's got catcher's ass yeah so many squad those squats they all get big juicy asses I mean that

thing is a apple bottom it's a badunk a dunk I want to I want to eat dinner off of it those catches if you're gay then I know catcher's a term but like those are power bottoms Christian Vasquez be pudger on reggae's you look at those those tushes I know I feel like if I was a gay man that that that's extra padding I got to penetrate through I suppose so it's like Jay's old bit big Jay's old bit about the dick isn't small enough to fuck a big ass I think isn't big enough right right because you got to get that that's extra inches that you're gonna lose because you got to penetrate all that cheek right I think you have to

spread the muscle it's muscles you can just push it out of the way I guess but you don't want to tear a rectum or a sphincter what do I care it's there rectum yeah I guess you're tearing it up with you you don't anyway true tear that ass up but anyways yeah it was nice to see those guys I think there's gonna be a little bit more that as the weather gets nice they show the east village there's just people sitting on the sidewalk drinking beers the the west village is every day by the water it's jam packed people got towels and the ladies out there right now in a bikini just drinking a beer at noon in the fucking in the

park I mean people around is people playing music the cello guys on the corner this kids playing stickball and a hoop going down the street with a stick you know it's like the 50s out here yeah so we'll see a spike but I don't know I see a spike every time I shit so I'm used to spikes yeah spike strip but yeah I think it's I think it's fading they call it quarantine fatigue yeah I got that for sure no question about it because we're going on these long walks but still the same neighborhood so we're gonna go up to the Berkshires I think in a couple weeks and good for you live it up it's gonna be the trip of your life

just cuz it's something new it's scenery it's fresh air it's different well I'm thinking too like cuz the planes I'm not thrilled about getting on a plane cuz it's that recycled air and it's the most it seems like susceptible place so I might drive to Tampa get a car and what why not fuck it 22 hours probably I'll spend some time in the car see the countryside I just gotta get out I gotta move I need the wind in my hair and some Tom Petty and I feel the same way I gotta move where we're not still creatures we gotta travel we got a Rome baby Rome right to Rome yes I need the right to Rome and yeah it's a weird

it's a weird cookie time what's interesting is I don't want to get political or whatever but someone put it well with the masks and everything both sides is like a season as like their civil duty yes I have got to wear a mask because we're all sick and it's dangerous and it helps not spread the disease so we must wear a mask it is our civic duty to not wear masks I mean to wear a mask and then the other side is like you can't tread on me it is my civic duty not to be told what to do so both sides are wearing masks are not wearing masks and they're both like I'm doing what's right for our society isn't

that strange it's interesting that's fascinating that's kind of human nature like I'm gonna spin my way my opinion is a hundred percent true yeah but they think this well they're wrong yeah but they both make good points yeah but they're different than mine so fuck them yeah it's very bizarre but they're not wearing the mask to me I'm gonna get a lot of shit to me it's like the guy when you have a party and you're like hey we don't wear shoes in the house it just take your shoes off and there's one guy that's like nah I gotta hold my sock fuck you and then there's just one asshole walking around with his fucking shoes on

I agree I always wear the mask I sadly I mostly wear the mask just so I don't get yelled at right that's enough that's enough but I take my shoes off but I don't get it like I wear it and I hope other people are wearing it because you don't want to get anybody sick but okay if you got a mask on and I got a mask on do we still need the six feet thing you know like I need any more specifics like people go hey get six feet away from me at the grocery store and then they go up to the counter and the guys two feet away from him cashing out the register so it's like oh it's just very convenient that you can be two inches away from the

register guy but then you yell at me for being five feet close well I think it's the the briefed the briefedness six feet is like if you're hanging out for a couple for a while I think it's extended time for what I've seen and this is what the other people do they go I yeah just keep believing the mainstream media or following politics I'm like well I'm watching a doctor I'm talking I'm listening to a doctor right right not the media what difference it make what channel he's on he's a fucking doctor yeah but I think what they're saying is there's not a lot of evidence of getting it outside outdoors so I think in the

park you fucking your frolic around and then six feet if you're spending extended time but we've talked about this people I talked to that story before I'm in the grocery store and I walk by lady she's like oh yes I'm like I'm just walking by it's two seconds you fucking cunt you're not gonna get it from walking by and then you're gonna have a basket full of ho hoes and ding dongs you're gonna spend eight minutes at the register talking to the Iranian guy exactly and by the way it's mask when social distancing is not possible so in the story you throw the mask on what I'm walking around I got the mask on my

balls I don't do you really why take it down yeah cuz I hate it I don't wear a mask same it stinks I got it slides off my nose I got a beard yeah you got the bed breath coming through it's chappin my nose I'm like a welder out there it's horrible but you know in the store I'll put it on in my glasses fog which is yes I get the fog when I'm wearing sunglasses hate a fog but yeah why not why not wear a mask I don't get it yeah yeah just do it people don't like being told what to do it's a it's all very contradictory you know like don't tread on me but then they're like I don't know I can't think of another thing but it feels very it

not it only adds up when it's the shit they want it when it's convenient right yeah so it's a it's a weird kooky time but I do understand the frustration in a lot of these states where they I'm watching the Senate hearing and they show South Dakota the senator from South Dakota they show the stats it's like deaths six I know they're like what the fuck fuck you yeah yeah I get it but we're over here in the in the heart of the the jizz here so yeah but yeah I gotta tell you I got my family's like are you okay is the Blasio raping you what's happening up there Cuomo's gay's got nipple rings I'm

like that's fine you know like they just think New York's is epicenter morale is good the sun is shining people are on the stoop drinking wine playing music you know hops God channel it's pretty good no I feel I feel but it's like one of those things I guess until you're directly affected but the whole time I I feel like I'm disappointing people like New York what's it like they're shaking you again I'm like I don't know I go to a bagel place every day the Asians acute I get a coffee I'm walking around we went out of picnic I'm running yeah yeah same yeah I don't know what to tell people but yeah same it's it's one of those

things where it's like that Larry David episode where he got sick or he had like a heart thing oh no he faked his death to get out of a ticket or something and his wife shows up at the hospital she's like oh my god I thought you were dead were you fucking asshole he's like well shouldn't you be happy I think right you know it's kind of the same thing like people are upset that I'm not dying yeah and maybe we will at some point I bet so far so good I don't know and I have with respect to the people that have had it and they're dying and their grandparents yeah yeah I'm so lucky and I guess you're lucky to I'm lucky we got this

special to put out because it gives you that jolt again of like I'm doing something something's happening I'm I created a thing and people are enjoying it it's because we had that every night before and we haven't had that so you get that old feeling again with special yeah you forget I mean I forget what it's like to do bits I did Chris Wall started a podcast him and Gary Peterson I'm sure they'll want you on it's called Hellgig and it's about Hellgigs and I almost I almost started crying cuz I'm telling the stories and like when you're not thinking about it cuz I'm just enjoying it myself or trying to I'm

watching movies and going for walks but when you really think about stand-up you start telling the stories of arriving at the gig you're like oh this is gonna suck and that guy stinks and you meet the opener you're in the car you start to be like God I fucking love it I miss it I know I know it even the little things I I miss the bad coffee the morning radio all that shit I hated but now I'm like that was just part of it you know that's all part of the fun yeah there's definitely things I don't miss Sarah did a zoom last night and is a comic who's notorious for going along 10 minutes long on the zoom that's banana who what

kind of psycho does that on a zoom and that I don't miss that thing of like hey do you mind if Dave pops on before you and you're like fuck yeah yeah I agree isn't it funny to reflect I mean I guess you didn't have this quite as much maybe as me but cuz you live so close to the clubs but like I remember being like we're running in five minutes late and I'm like fuck I just want to get home now yeah come on I just want to get on the train so I can get home and it's so funny to think about that now where I'm like I now I'm like I just want to leave my home yeah yeah it's it's funny how everything becomes it just keeps flipping

you know when you're single you're like I wish I had someone to love that when you're in a relationship you're like God I'd kill to be a whore right now it just did the grass is always gayer yeah when you don't have AIDS you wish you had it yeah well you lose some weight I guess yeah that seems fun you never AIDS anymore doesn't it feel weird yeah Magic Johnson's like high-fiving people he's on he's got a restaurant and people feel fine eating there they're not like oh what if I eat there and get an appetizer and get HIV yeah it just passes I guess I guess so bad I think that's how Corona's gonna be I think in

five years gonna be like oh I got some corona here's some ginger ale it's an interesting thing too about the the media too we're like I haven't heard one news story that's not COVID yeah yeah they love it did everything else end like is there any problems anymore I mean I guess they had the the shooting that's been that's been in there the shootings a problem I guess they go top priority ratings wise I don't think they give a shit about anything with ratings on the news I don't think they care it's almost like the hospitals they keep telling me oh you got a heart attack get out of here we got to do COVID people it's like

well the heart attacks bad too well I think the stats that like hospitals are going out of business because no one's going anymore huh people before they have insurance they go I got a sniffle let me go to the doctor I'll see if there's anything in my ass but now everyone's like just stay home fuck it so all these doctors it kind of gets shows you that a lot of these dentists and doctor appointments are just unnecessary I always thought that I've been to the doctor since 44 but the news they make the hospital look like Grand Central Station like some guys in the hallway like that's not enough beds and shit and

the respirators broken we got to get one in from Singapore and the nurses are doing a tiktok it's busy as hell over there in the in the ads yeah I don't know I don't know who from what and where from which yeah it I mean it's I hate to say it but this is why you listen to a pot or you watch Joe Rogan or you listen to some kook on on a web show because you're like this guy's tell me the truth I feel like Don lemons blowing me but then you this counter to every thing everything I watch you see the other guy yeah every time I watch a thing about the economy I'm like Jesus Christ we got to get out here we got to start

doing some shows and you know making some hamburgers and then you watch a thing about the disease the coat whatever the fuck it's called virus disease I thought those are different but evidently the same yeah and they got you watch that you like we got a fucking shut down and bury our tits in the ass I know I know I take a little offense to a we're phase four or five or something comedy oh yeah we're the last phase I everything's like oh I needed this special right now I'm going through hell and this got me back and yeah that was a such a nice tweet I need a good laugh I'm like aha you needed it how

about phase three put the put the opera and you know Asian porn at the end I feel like we're a world maybe three at least well the crowds is what's the thing right shows for 40 people spread them out fucking yeah I'm down but we're gonna take a big pay cut I'll tell you that sloppy but even that I mean it's better than nothing for 300 bucks right now I'm making zero yeah oh that's another thing's gonna be good with your show I don't want to jinx your your anal here but the Venmos because I put my Venmo and people like I feel like I gotta give something this is fun it's an hour of comedy for free here's a couple

bucks I gotta say a big thanks and you're gonna get them and it just it just popping up in your emails like oh there's five bucks ten bucks eight bucks it's the nicest thing on the planet and you feel appreciated and I can't say enough thank yous thank you yeah I could use it I'm looking looking forward to that because we're used to having a little extra dough right and I enjoyed spreading it around a little bit right buying dinner I'll send my parents some money by the young kids some stuff and some toys and send things and sure and it's hard to break habits I'm still doing that was my buddy's birthday I

sent him a gay coloring book and a cookbook and yeah I set my knees a puzzle I'm buying Sarah pair of shoes and some heels well then you realize you like fuck I don't have any money anymore I know but also money is different now because you used to have had some cash over swipe a car now you're on Amazon doing this number at 2 a.m. and it's just free shit it's funny money yeah funny money but I'm gonna go to the Berkshares anyways and dip into some savings yeah yeah I've been dubbing dropping some real coin on these Airbnb's I'm going to Newark to get a rental car I'm gonna I'm living it up I feel like

you got to live it's it's almost like how they say in trying times the two things that go up or alcohol and entertainment yeah well not anymore we gotta put some entertainment we're entertaining right now I suppose that's true and I'm buying alcohol where you where you headed to Tahiti Hawaii well we got some friends who are staying like on a lake in Connecticut so we're gonna go there next week and then we were trying to go to Hawaii but they won't let us in yeah we knocked on the door and no dice so we might just go to Florida driving or flying flying wow yeah yeah yeah maybe I'll come see a show when's

your next date I have a bunch in July but I don't know if they're gonna happen so my next realistic one looks like August I think it's Utah oh yeah they're open a few are open I think Houston something was open and who knows but well we'll see how it lasts I mean everything changes so fast I do think the crowds will be and should be the last thing to come back I mean I watched HBO real sports they they traced the entire northern Italy fucking shut down outbreak to one soccer match wow is that right yeah cuz you got 50,000 people and they said if they shut down sports here in America two weeks earlier we would have

cut the cases by like 75% geez and I'm sure our shows and some arena gigs they they don't help either all the concerts yeah cuz I mean you can get 50,000 especially sports you get 60,000 people someone scores a touchdown and everybody starts screaming hugging yelling and those droplets go all over you know the universe yeah yeah wow geez Louise so speaking of sport I did I don't think you watch UFC but they had a fight a big fight I do no audience yeah no I've been watching and it's kind of fun that sport actually gains from no audience cuz you can hear the corner yeah you can hear the coin I can hear the

punches hit I can hear the smacks yeah it's kind of fun and it makes sense that sport cuz it's like you got two guys being like all right I'll fight great we'll fight yeah the audience is is hooting and hollering I feel like you miss some stuff this felt more like if you were watching a fight at a like a bar yeah it was pretty nice that part's nice you don't really because the crowd noise there isn't like like in basketball the crowd noise it causes you know the momentum and then the football you can't hear the quarterback they got to call a time out but fighting it's like there's no it's not a moment it's

like a movie where the crowd starts going crazy and the guys like hulking up you know yeah exactly that was a lot of fun but the sports they were saying like football I was listening to dr. Fauci talk you got 53 guys in a football team and if four of them are sick next thing you know old Jeds a millionaire and 38 of them are sick yeah well they're all slapping each other's asses they got the Gatorade going on yeah they're sitting on the same bench it's a weird fucking crazy time but we got to live so we're we're walking around running and we'll have people over the house here and there and yeah it would be interesting to

see whether they have a pandemic in a 1918 or some shit the flu yeah 1918 it would be interesting to see because obviously that came and went to kill millions of people we don't even think about it because we didn't grow up in it and we grew up way after but how do they come back because you always hear about so many people died but I want to hear about the coming back out of it the erection you know like that part that transition yeah I don't know that was a big one it couldn't have been great but they had the roaring 20s they were roaring right after roaring here we were or yeah that's right so are we gonna roar

are we gonna go I can't go to funny bone I gotta sit next to this fat lady and she might sneeze and queef and then I'm gonna go to the hospital like they roared let's roar I'd like to roar but a lot of people died before the roaring happens so I guess so they're saying we're gonna have a hundred thousand dead by August 4 July 1st maybe yeah it's a lot but maybe we can't roar no more roaring we'll do a dull roar aha yes a bark or a meow dull roar is a popular popular roar I guess it is a dull role what is a dull roar like what do you what do you describe as a dull roar I think you hear that and like a craft a sarcastic like a

game or a show a dull roar like a murmur yes Eugene murmur yeah you go we gotta start to wrap this thing up this is kind of a tale of two episodes how so well it was wacky and fun and silly and sin baddie and then we really got down to some issues I think we solve some issues there I'll take it yeah you know a little salty sweet yeah we changed some hearts and minds I think hopefully or we just lost fans yeah my Twitter is gonna be horrific I was already into it with a couple people I felt like we kept it pretty neutral we're just common-sensing it up over here well a bunch of people think I'm a fag because I want to wear a

mask because you know doctors say why don't we wear a mask and I care about society but they see it as weakness I see it as considerate to my society and want to be part of a society but it's like I said but they see it as you got to not listen to the people or else we're all gonna be a fascist country yeah well this is what I wanted to get to before rice I flubbed off and went in a trail of nothing that it's a weird thing is that it's contradictory because they go I love America I care about our people I'm patriotic but I'm not wearing a mask but those are your people those are your countrymen yeah someone Thomas Dale

shared a funny meme where it's like a patriot being like I'll do anything with my country like we just need you to wear a mask they're like no way there it is that's what I was getting at but someone said it well too masks are the new gun oh I thought about this I wrote that down what what what is it well like the map it's very similar to the argument like it's like no this is our this is our right we have a right to not wear a mask so we're not wearing masks and then everyone else is like well it's just it's just dangerous it'd be great if you didn't and people it's kind of this similar dividing line divisive right

completely and it's protection and all that yeah it's very similar it's similar now I don't want to get the shit because I do think I believe in a second amendment I wish people didn't have guns or didn't want guns but I understand you gotta have guns you gotta hunt it is your right I do understand that I just I'm not a fan whereas the mask I think you know yeah yeah yeah well it's a good movie the mask I highly recommend it that was when Jim Kurer is really flying hi Cameron Diaz oh we last night we were reminiscing about seeing Dumb and Dumber in the theater it was like one of the great experiences of my life yeah

that was something I saw Ace Ventura in the theater and this kid behind me had he was alone he was like eight years old alone he's like he leaned up to me goes I've seen the same times it's the best thing I've ever seen I was like huh and my mom hated it I still remember seeing that in the theater oh god it was the best I didn't see the first one in the theater I remember watching it the first time on VHS we rented it my uncle Dale was like this movie's amazing yeah and I was like okay and I remember back then it was when you pretended to have seen a movie because of the trailer so you just you just share the stuff that was in the

trailer I'm like what about when he catches the bullet in his mouth and people like yeah I guess that part was fine right why did you do that that part was amazing yeah but Norm McDonald's got that great joke he's like you ever lie for no reason like you don't benefit from it like hey you seen the horse whisperers wife yes that's the whole joke but it's true I one time a guy was like you see the revenant I was like oh yeah because I guess I'm worried they won't like me if I haven't seen it well sometimes you got to do that I do that with some certain people I'll tell you off-screen because if you say no they

tell you every single thing that happened in the movie right right this is the key you got to go like this you ever see that no oh I think you'd enjoy it and a conversation yeah yeah right that'd be nice these folks are like here's what happened and I'm like well now I can't see it because you're telling me every minute right yeah well it has nothing to do with the plot still I want to go in fresh still still oh we gotta do a shout out to old Frank Costanza and Fred Willard I know God a tough week tough week for funny old guys two of the funniest people of all time and killer and we we met we met Fred Willard yeah

that was exciting that was fun and yeah yeah somebody was like what was that like and I was like zero not memorable now it's quick nothing really happened but yeah the funniest funniest fucking guy ever so funny naturally funny he can just say a sentence that isn't even a joke and it's so funny he was just so good and snarky he had that like bullshit smirk the whole just the best pound for pound the funniest person in movie history to me really yeah because the man I mean you got Jim Carrey he does fucking what's that shitty the majestic theater or whatever he sucks the resume run Dick and Jane sucks yeah yeah the

yes man suck my dick Fred Willard hilarious every moment of every movie that's true he doesn't have a bad moment what about spinal tap because I'm a big fan I mean of the John I've never heard of you guys personally but the genre of rock and roll I really enjoy somebody posted a great clip of him in an interview and they said well Fred what have you been up to he's like I'm working on a novel and they go oh wow how's that going he's like it's tough to read come on no one's done that bit that was gold well I've talked about a bunch before but the tweet Merry Christmas after you get caught jerking off

was classic and then my favorite ever I mean my favorite fucking line in any movie is in waiting for guffman when they're about to do the play and he goes if you can't remember your line just shout out any line even if it's for a different show that's what I do I mean that is the fucking funniest advice ever say a line from a different show that's probably a riff you know sure genius I was thinking about this not to change the the character here but and I know we got to go this will be the last thing Julia Louis Dreyfus might have the best comedic TV resume of all time I would say so yeah SNL for a stint in whatever

that was 88 Seinfeld best sitcom of all time she's also in arrest development as a reoccurring character she plays a blind woman it's really funny then she's in curb for the reunion and then she carries her own show VP which is a killer show yeah and old Christine whatever and that she's in the early curb to season one or two oh that's right yeah amazing in that one what a resume of just powerhouse comedy shows back to back and then to carry one at the end unbelievable with cancer by the way yes and great tits great tits and pregnant in a lot of Seinfeld yeah and a nice smile abortion all right we're

gonna wrap it on a family zoom in fucking 10 minutes here all right well check out the patreon get on the patreon go check out the special give it a like give it a comment and share it yes please and you're not gonna want to miss this stranger by the lake so let's let's tack on get a friend on there tell a douche go gay spread the love and we'll touch knees and talk about a gay porn yeah and wash your hands and buy a shirt take care of each other yes we praise Allah thanks for all the love of the special to go to the same cut it oh yeah back

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