Tuesdays with Stories! - #351 Clammy Cloud

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

We've got a hot one for ya here folks, Mark hits a million views on his special before offending his house mates in Connecticut while Joe gets caught in a rain storm while running. We also tell some classic stories from out pasts! Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcomes to another quarantine Tuesdays with stories we're happy to have you and from what I understand there's more and more of you

yes it's growing baby like a like a dick in chowder eat would you say I said chowder oh I like chowder I went heat I don't know why I went heat well that makes more sense because in heat is like a sexual thing I guess but I don't know if a dick can be in heat a person can be in heat true I mean dick I'm in the steam room my dick's in heat the whole my whole body's in heat that's true and there's nothing better I've said this before but when you're press your boner against your thigh and it's hot oh that's a good time well you know what I had going on

earlier that was nice I had a hot tea which I still have now not still but a different tea and when you hold the hot cup for a little while 10 minutes then you put your hand on your cock it's nice because your cock is a little chilly because it's it's dangling so it's in the rest of the body you put a nice hot compress on there feels nice I love that I love anything warm on the dong I used to put I used to fuck stuff in my fridge when I was a kid like for my my parents food and it sucks it was cold but you know the heat was always better like my one of my friends would heat up a bag a goo and bang that hmm sounds like a

troubled friend well there was the old banana peel in the microwave yeah he used a bike seat that he had wedged out a little little badge hole I've seen those wedges the bike seat wedge yes I mean remember how creative we had to get this is before we're getting laid you had to really you know go MacGyver on some snatch but even it as an adult you had to get creative you had to be like I sell parachutes you know my mother hit me I have money right right I'm a vegan whatever you had to say you did yeah I'm a feminist I love women all that shit but it's just I think I also think warm is good but I think any

temperature change on the dick is nice interesting I don't know I think an ice cold is no no good no bueno you know a cube down there extreme temperatures is no I mean you wouldn't want to on a boiling heat either to shea fatty but like I think if you're hot and you dip your cock in a cold beverage you're gonna be like whoo feels kind of it feels nice good point especially if it's a seltzer or a cola you're getting some bubble action well fizz I don't know fizz I don't know if you want fizz in your jizz that's no good I don't know might go down easier that's true I guess if I had to drink jizz which I do next weekend

long story I think I think mixed with cola would definitely be a way to have it way best way easy easy it's like bad medicine you know you or a shot you got that chaser yeah I feel like when when women swallow come you can feel a sense of pride in them like they're like I did I didn't want to have that took a lot yeah you I mean you got a hand into them a it's have you ever tasted it and ain't pretty I'll plead the fifth on that one it's it's it's tough and also it's that gooey thick viscous like warm baby batter you know it it's it's tough going down I can only imagine I've had it in my mouth never swallowed but uh whoa it's

impressive they're like you're a soldier you're a trooper lady and it's like a living thing there's like organisms swimming around out there I mean there's a kind of this tails involved and has heads and tails yes sperm and sperm and you know growing organisms yeah that that's a front lines person they're essential yeah that's nice it must be weird cuz like I don't know these front line workers they're great and everything but they still must have like the female ones must have husbands or or lesbian lovers they must come home and the partner still needs to get laid you know it must suck to you know have three

masks on and the rubber gloves and you're on your feet and you're risking your life then you come home and like the fat plumber guys like hey how about you blow me sweetheart yeah yeah go back to work on my dong but I don't know I feel like does the husband have to please her like is he probably getting on his hands and knees and eating the box I suppose so I mean that's kind of hot to me I'm a fan of the eating out after an accomplishment oh like a late night you know whatever it's a marathon that's gonna be a little little pungent yeah you'd have to do a little washing a little washing and drying let me hit it with a

water pick you're not giving away my water pick but yeah the the ever worked out with a lady and then banged after whoa everything's gushy and salty and wet and squishy it's sticky get that tummy stick when you lay down you have to peel yourself off it's kind of hot but the scent sometimes is as much a post workout puss is a pop yeah it pops but a lady I heard ladies say that a little BO can can go a long way they love it they love the BO I'm offended by the BO what do you mean a lady a lady BO is not pleasant to me that's a man that's a bag of hammers a guy be always like masculine he's an animal woman BO is like she's homeless

maybe they're reversed engineering I don't know what that means but it's a term I've heard but like a male BO is to attract women women are like attracted to it so they'll want to fuck but women have been getting raped excessively through the year so maybe their BO is offensive to be like hey don't rape me you know what I mean cuz like men want to have sex more than the women so the man like I gotta have sex if he smells BO he might be like you know what I'm gonna rape someone else she stinks like shit that's not bad a defense mechanism like like those vaginas that grow teeth

I don't know I heard about that is that a fish vagina dintata it's a whole thing look it up give that a goog it ain't it ain't it's nothing nice but well I've heard about a thing you install yes razor blades or whatever I never heard growing naturally well it might be a myth but I don't know they made a movie about it so it must be something which one piranha that I know I think it's called teeth no kidding give that a goog shall we what was the that film we saw with de

Rosa and Sacramento remember we saw a shark movie with tits oh yeah I think that was piranha I think that was piranha 3d yes and I had huge knobs all over that movie it was like a B movie from the from the 50s with with jugs and and fish how insane and then we tried to find a titty bar remember we walked and walked for miles up the highway because we drove by it on the way and I was like I made note like we got to go to that titty bar yeah and then we could never find it again it was like a mirage oh yeah but we never went in no we couldn't find it I

got photos of us on the highway and it was yes it was unfindable is that proof that must have been pre phone yeah I think so I was right before I went straight from there to Peru I remember that it was the last weekend before I went to Peru when we both got fired I think yeah we all all three of us we lost our manager we were all together in that pool so does that mean you were snapping me with a fucking disposable probably or a digital I think I had a digital camera oh that's right wow that's so cuckoo bananas to think about I think those photos are on Instagram I think so yeah Facebook Facebook Facebook

Facebook you got one of me I'm in a bathing suit and a white shirt on the highway the winds blowing through my hair and remember we sat by the pool all day drinking every day yeah it's fine I was day drinking before every show didn't give a fuck yeah that was where you were like I notice you never right and I was like hey fuck you man I got bits I was I was concerned I don't know it was a different time I was nervous it was like a job interview me I was hosting I'd never done a club I was terrified yeah I can remember that and I remember being like I was like I was to you what Ira was to me or I felt that way where I was

like we got to do some Jagerbombs before the show you do a couple Jagerbombs and you're like okay I guess I've hated every moment of it but I did it because I wanted to fit in God that's so funny great club yeah I just was back there last year or I guess two October's ago and it all every it was one of those ones were every photo room every painting every green room reminded me of like oh I remember sitting here with you guys oh yeah oh yeah that was a remember I told you I never brushed my teeth twice a day you were blown away there was a whole mess of things we learned about each other that terrified us I think we

watched like sleepless in Seattle too or something or lost in translation maybe or something I remember watching like a real gay movie and the Rosa fuck that that's meth skank with the with the cast on our arm yeah and he was trying remember he would just talk to any girl we told him to we kept him like go to her and he went up to some old late like a middle-aged lady who looking back now is probably like 40 right but we were like go talk to that old bitch yeah and he went over and like a we're at like a TGI Fridays and she was sitting alone in a booth oh yes I forgot about that and he was just like we were like go go over and

we thought it was weird too because to us he was like he was 50 years old right right and it was so weird that these two whippersnappers were like go go talk to that girl he was like really and we were like yeah and he was like all right and he did it and I think he got her her rotary phone number she was probably 98 I think she might have been off put if I remember correctly oh yeah well it was a little weird it's a middle of a mall restaurant what was it called it might have been benign or something like that it was a the one you like no the one you like that's it that's it that was it are you sure I'm positive wow I must have got

the four cheese pasta but yeah it was awkward because he asked her out but then she didn't leave and we didn't leave we were both just sitting in booths like 12 feet apart that's true yeah she was probably on like you know going to a bridge game and eating at her like Sunday brunch well and she definitely had to watch like he went and asked her out gut turned down came back and she must have seen the two of us just howling I know I know yeah just saying the words old bag and geezer yeah poor lady but anyways that was fun that was that was quite an experience oh that was the best we went to Panda Express we went to Chili's we

really did it up it was a good time I keep looking at my zoom I get this happens every time because we're each recording on our own zoom so when you're talking I'll look at it and there's no movement so I'm like I'm not recording oh terrifying I do it every I do it every eight seconds because you never know when you're gonna miss it right but I think a lot of going a lot of stuff going on I hope you're ready for this nugget oh hit me hit me with a nugget well first off I don't want to toot my own asshole but we hit the million on the special so that's nice so I want to say thanks to all the Jews out there and the queefs and

the the kooks for for watching insane I mean think about that number that's fucking insane insane it's all cuz you guys sharing it commenting liking it thumbs up in it jizzing on it swallowing it the whole thing I mean one million people and what a week a week yeah about a week and a half yeah not too shabby I mean think about how insane that number is I remember watching an interview with Jeff Amet the bass player from Pearl Jam and they had the fastest selling album ever versus their second album because they were huge and just talking about he's like what is that even me I can't wrap my head around one

million people bought our record in a week right and you got that that's you I got a jail well I mean if the pandemic doesn't hurt let's let's not sluff that off but yeah I'll take it hey I'm excited and it's my agent got fired and my manager quit so I'm like all new across the board so I just signed with a whole new thing and yeah a lot a lot of a lot of shit been going on here Wow and now I'm in Connecticut so hit me with what's going on there so you toot your own jizz but what's what's going on with your asshole well so I'm uh going to go I got a new manager she's like you know one of these top ladies and then I

got a new agency oh that's it I thought there was a you made it seem like there was a big crazy story that happened oh no well I mean I got some stories later I'm hungover out of my mind I'm in Connecticut me and the lady she has some friends we're in a farmhouse in Connecticut on a bunch of acres I'm shithouse or I'm hungover from last night we really did it up we've got a rental car drove here was great so you hang with her friends how's that can you talk about this I'm really nearby it's tough it's tough give me a signal give me a sign yeah oh man it's it's a lot of work I've already said a joke that was

over the line and they got weird oh boy yeah we were we're I don't want to get to window we were talking about virgin they're airline and they're like is there a virgin cola and I was like oh yeah when you open it it bleeds and they were like that's it oh dude I mean Jesus it's these are nine to five years here oh my god that would I mean that's like the tamas joke I mean they heard the roast I know I know I know so it's cookie but it's beautiful and you know we walked to the lake and they can go kayaking and there's a pond and there's a stock full of booze and drugs and we're having a good time that's amazing wow man one

million and now you must be making some some dough off the YouTubes a little bit of scratch the YouTubes all topsy-turvy and we're so dumb with this stuff I don't know what the hell it means I look at the analytics it's going up and down like a Richter G's and it says I've made eight grand but then they just put a hundred bucks in my account so I'm like does that mean I get it a hundred out of eight grand or what are we talking here that doesn't seem good I owe you 7900 there was way I'm slicing it something's up something's up call in if you know because this is all above my pay anal yeah I'm I'm excited for mine I mean I don't see

myself getting a million but man I'd be happy with 50,000 a million is so fucking crazy that you're gonna get it whatever it is that's platinum or something I don't know how I work but I don't know either titanium something gold but you're gonna get it cuz it's it was all about the build up and I'll give you the whole rundown on how to do this it was all about the build up and then you got your Rogan's your burrs your Gaffigans all them and you got you got like Gullman and all these guys it's it's gonna be big all the comics Soder big J yeah I'm hoping for a for a Louis and a norm or something I don't know what Louis is gonna

do he doesn't have any social media but maybe you can drop flyers from an airplane or something I can put on the site you know he's got that the website you can launch it out yeah we'll see so I'm excited but like I think I talked about on a queef I had to listen to the album to name the tracks and I'm listening to it going goddamn this is pretty goddamn good there you go and how great a feeling is that the thing you approve of that you wrote is gonna go out in the world and other people get to hear it well I feel like we're reaching a point in our careers skill wise or maybe it's mental cuz we're Allen or whatever but

I'm like hey this is good like 20 years in my career everything I watch I'm like that's dog shit the Netflix I can't even look at my letter bins embarrassing Conan I want to hang myself live at Gotham forget it I don't even know what the hell I'm doing up there I'd love to see that I'm wearing my dad's jeans I'm blinking I don't know what's happening the jokes suck but this I'm watching going hey this is this is something else and now it feels weird because we've taken nine months off I haven't thought of a joke since 88 right but I think we talked about you're like I don't I wonder if I lost all these skills oh dude

that's all I think about is losing my fastball I'm accepting all these zoom gigs cuz I'm just like I gotta get I gotta sharpen up I gotta get the rest off I don't know if it's gonna help but it's something well how about this Tuesday tonight if you're listening to the podcast that not for you tonight but to the audience tonight I'm doing a gig I got a gig ah what are we talking I'm at the Bel Air diner which is where Howard Stern did the comedians in cars getting coffee oh this is a real gig this is a gig gig oh my god this is cookie so they're doing this thing they're doing drive-in movies where people sit in the

car watch a movie somebody pitched them stand up and for some reason they said yes so I'm doing a gig down the street from my house it's three blocks away oh is this Jnog yeah yes yes I was on there I was gonna do it too I'm in Connecticut though but that's gonna be fucking awesome well as soon as he said it I was I assumed you were on there because it feels like it's right up your asshole cuz I feel like most people are like we're good but no no I would love to do it but yeah I mean I need the dough it's like a hundred bucks and it's down the street from my house oh yeah that's gonna be a story too just the first gig

back it's gonna be weird in the cars how you gonna hear the laughs how's that gonna work I have no idea but that's one of the reasons I wanted to say yes because I have all these great old stand-up stories we're doing I did stand-up comedy naked on the naked show I've done it at an at a war zone in Baghdad I've done it right at a gym a golds gym and I've done it at 3 in the morning at a high school thing so it just feels like outdoors people in cars during corona that feels like when you're like well I got to say yes to that oh yeah that's gonna be all over the place and I'm excited to hear about it it'll give us something to

talk about oh yeah it's a whole another world these days well some people are going out on the road Bert Kreischer is doing a movie theater tour or a driving theater tour interesting that might be the new thing people in their cars well he's saying it's gonna suck but he's like I'm doing it all I brought him up I'm doing it all for the social media he's like I'm gonna film the whole thing and show how weird it is and behind the scenes and see that's how he thinks he's like you got to do this for this I just think of the gig right well that's the thing is like we're gonna have to and this goes for all of America all

businesses we're gonna have to figure out a way to do other shit like yeah get creative you can drink bars outside on the sidewalk we can deliver food to whatever like capitalism is going to survive like people are gonna come up with like masks will be the new merch it says you know blow me you queef it's a mask that we sell yeah podcast get bigger or whatever it is people are gonna find a way to get rich or die trying as a fitty sense it it's gonna happen I mean that's what America is or a bunch of sewer rats who just go this does a there's a hole blocked up here I'll find another hole I'll make it work I'll go

over it I'll go under it that's what we do and I feel like a stand-ups we do that because hell we we we skirted around the whole nine to five thing we made that work yeah our whole life is based around beating the system yes and our wives but hey we're doing it I'm beating this I don't even know if I'm supposed to be here there's ten people in this house we're living it up yeah you've been on the move I mean you've been to where I mean upstate New York you're in Massachusetts you've been in Connecticut three states I mean this is a lot of moving around yeah in the park in there the pond in Central Park I'm riddled with

AIDS I got I got something by now well we got we gotta we gotta move around we gotta move about you can't live like that and either way even if they kept the rules and shit in place people just can't do it no you can't do it five degrees it's blue skies like yes my sister a lot at the beginning for the first six weeks she's like I'm staying in the house she was washing her own clothes she would get delivery have him leave it at the door time has passed we're out walking no mask we're having coffees we're going all over the place we go to Sunnyside every day we've been to Long Island City we walked Green Point

everywhere it's just you start to go you're we're human beings yes yeah and and we're also bore animals at the end of the day like you go you go to the Central Park does raccoons running rampant they're getting cocky but that's how that's how beings work you go all right let me go another inch nothing happened let me go another inch still still alive let me go and then before you know it you're you know queefing on a cop car and you're fine exactly then you're going to jail for rape but sure yeah so things are gonna happen I got a dated side splitters I guess I'm going I mean we'll see if anything changes or

whatever we're gonna have a spike obviously but it's the thing we're not going anywhere the virus isn't going anywhere we're gonna have to just go with it I hear you and the time is zipping by I mean think about the coast-to-coast roast thanks for the gaze for tuning in but you remember when we signed up for that we're like three weeks there's gonna be three whole weeks long and now it's just over the days zip by it feels so strange but nipping gook it's crazy it's strange but it's also been nice in so many ways to take a nice little break but now I'm starting to get an itchy asshole I ready I'm ready to go back and do some

work the break was nice you're not you're not joking there and I'm sick of zoom like it's fun talking to you because we do the pod anyway but like the zoom shows and the and the weird pods with some guy don't know and he's like your audio is not great you gotta fix everything I got I want to kill myself well the anxiety reminds me of when I had a car I had the 87 Buick century for a long time and then I had the neon like a 2002 neon I remember the neon yeah you spent some time in there I had a 98 Monte Carlo while I lived here that I was driving around they used to be my brother-in-law's but anyways I drove shitty car so long it just fed

into my anxiety every fiber of my thing because you're driving and you're like this could break down at any second yes and you're in the Bronx you're in Baltimore you're in whatever the fuck you have a gig I'm like I don't get to this gig so my whole life was that Rick that steering wheel if you get over 50 it's shaking like Fox and yes that's how the zoom feels doing the roast where it freezes I'm like am I frozen am I listening like at any moment it could cut and ruin the whole show I know and not to be even it could ruin one joke a ruin your timing you step on somebody else they step on you there's a glitch

anything could happen so the whole time you're you're keyed up you're on edge you can't enjoy it it's no good but we got to say shout out to helium comedy clubs putting on that coast-to-coast roast so many Tuesdays came and watched and support the comments were just lighting up yeah it was farts and queef and praise Allah and I hate myself and did we say this already if I talked about this before it was all the classics it was so many Tuesdays and it was so fun I mean it came down to the wire if it's for the folks that weren't watching which is most of you I mean we had 300 people in the room and there's 80,000 people

listening to this podcast but right so many close battles we had a final four last night fifth and it was you know the audience voted and one of the one the semifinals was 51% to 49% a razor's edge a cut hair yes great battle yeah and when you can't have a not that I'm a big sport oh but you know it's it has its place in the world I like that it's there and when you can't have any of that and to see this and get all worked up it's fun it's fun again so fun competing what was that little chloroform bear panties and shout out to Nate Abshire and Brian Miller from Minneapolis those guys seven and oh or eight no eight no never never got beat

and Team Seattle Andrew Rivers and Monica Nevy they were six and one they lost in the finals but they won almost every match by more than 80% they just dominated yeah killer they took it seriously they wrote they wrote a lot and they really gave it their all whereas a lot of a lot of people you could tell we're like all right let me get this over with I'll be on for ten minutes but they really dug deep to the end by the way you owe me a fincky what happened we bet on it you bet Seattle I bet Minneapolis all right you got it off guy Venmo a hot five or when you get a chance then I'll give you a hot van but yeah it was a

great time and now I'm gonna miss it we were kind of dreading it between you made the lamp post in the laptop but now every dreading it I was dreading it every night every day up to like even we had it on Thursday Friday Saturday usually and on Tuesday I'd be dreading it like oh I got two days left before I got to do this bullshit then oh I got one day oh I got five hours oh I got two hours it's just that but that's my whole life yeah exactly any obligation you just you dread it but it was so much fun and I hope they do it again because it was great or someday you know maybe a year from now I do think some of these zoom things might

continue I know I know but selfishly I'm kind of glad the stand-up on zoom isn't great because if it was people go why would we go to the crackers we can just do it in the living room yeah well that part takes away the live aspect but yes I'm not saying I want to do the pod like this forever but in a pinch it's nice sure or we were always doing all right let's try to cram three in because I'm going to Russia for the weekend but now we can go all right you go to the key West and I'll go to Oklahoma and if we have to we can do a little zoom action and none the wiser yeah that's a good point that's a good point but Brad

Williams our little guy on the inside you know him the midge he said he went to do some Texas improv or one of those Houston I don't know and you know it's a quarter full or whatever the hell it is he made no money but he's like the audience was so hot they were so excited to be there was like it was like the old days wow well I'm excited we'll see we'll see what it's all about people are scared to go out so hopefully they keep coming but I think places gonna be 50% capacity I don't know what's going on did a ghost just enter it sounded ghostly oh yeah this house is creaky it's crackly it's like 1805 the guy built it himself he's

got a mural on the fucking fireplace of himself you know he killed a Confederate soldier back in 48 and yeah it's wild as goats and chickens and Jews it sounds spooky and speaking of things that are spooky bad segue it didn't even make sense I'll take it but this is nice because today we got two advertised two sponsors that I think I could speak for both of us we love these products yes I'm now I'm a fan me too hashtag yep this show is brought to you by sheath underwear this sheath underwear that's right sheath sh e a th underwear first of all this gentleman I'm gonna get into the read here that they

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randomly Venmoing us like unbelievable I know I know I'm making a fortune over here off the special then the Tuesdays yes some have just been like hey thanks for the show and it really helps because we've already talked about this but now it's like before I would just buy to go Starbucks all my habits but I was making that money back with spots I'm not making any money so ten bucks is like hey great I just got three free coffees or tea whatever you said it sister I mean the other day I opened my suitcase for the first time in five years and like eight Chipotle cards fell out I was like hey that's all you gaze helping out and the

card fell out of his bag this is supposed to be cheesy but yeah what the and it's also I don't want to get too into it but it's nice having sponsors that like us and we like them it's like a consensual rape it's great we're helping each other's anals yeah CR crazy retard so this morning I got a little something I don't know if it's a story but whatever the fuck we're in quarantine so you take what we give you lay it on my back and see if it fizzes so we've been I've been running again which is nice I feel reborn because I need to have we've talked with the gym you go to the gym people are working out I'm working out I'm here

to work out you lift weights you get some different things you move some things around at home I struggle I do my even on the road in a hotel you feel so bored yeah and stuck that you're like I'll just do push-ups to get this energy out right right here I wake up I do my meditation the TV's right there I got criterion channel I got Netflix I got Amazon I got Hulu I got books up the ass it's tough it's tough do you got to push back and do that after your workout yeah so I've been having trouble with the push-ups and stuff so I started running because running again you could just go and the wind whipping you're outside at least

you're getting that air oh yeah and I got the little spiky ball so I'm really working the planner doing a lot of stretching because I'm old and gay but I'm running again and then Saturdays Sarah and I have been doing these long runs together long slow we used to call them LSD in high school long slow distance where most of the week you're trying to cook and set personal records and run negative splits they call it faster each miles faster than the last but on Saturdays we just go we're taking it easy we're having a conversation we're enjoying it nice long run and today I wake up a little early I'm

trying to get her out of bed and it's that clammy cloudy oh I know the clammy cloud clammy cloudy not quite raining forecasted to be rain all day all you want to do is just shut everything down and lay in bed and rub one out right so I'm looking out the window and we have a metaphorical window of it's about to be not clammy cloudy but wet and wacky haha yes yes in the morning so I go we got to get out of here why it's cold and clammy or clammy and cloudy and we get up and right as we're putting our sneaks on it starts to drizzle a little bit aha and the drizzle makes you go ah do we need to run why don't we just fucking the ass

yeah exactly you want to give up immediately but you tried you can say you still tried so we go let's just go sometimes the drizzle is nice for a run you're getting a nice sprinkle you know I guess but then you worry it's gonna Katrina onion two seconds well don't get the cat ahead of the dog here ah rare that'll say so we run we run all the way down to Long Island City through the projects there and into the park and it's gorgeous and it's drizzling so it's getting a little drippy-dippy all of a sudden we hit that mile mark and whoosh God's asshole just opens up and why it's just pouring rain like that

Woodstock 94 pouring rain you can't even see I got glasses they're covered in water they're beating they're steaming my mask is soaking wet oh the mask and I wore a jacket I thought would beat off the rain but it's just like it's like a gap $28 jacket right it soaks through my phone is soaked pants shoes you know that like you can't get wetter than wet it was like a pool swim oh yeah and we were saying you want to stop running cuz you're like this sucks to run like this but you stop you're just extending the rain you got to get home yeah you want to make it so we're running I'm blind as a bat and there's a bunch of other

runners out there and we're kind of like I'm doing they're like huh this is right and we were fucking soaked and you know in New York the sewers fill and it smells like the inside of my father's asshole yes and it's like a foot of water and it's too big to jump over so you're just going right in it and splashing soaked mark the worst the squishy shoe another worse than that wet shoe the wet sock not a dry sock the pants are wet the shirt sticking to you your nipples hurt I hate it well everything was soaked through I mean literally was like jumping in a pool but then you kind of just accept you're like all right I guess

we're soaked and our times are going down cuz we're just bombing trying to get out of this rain right right and we got we go to lots of bagels I go there every morning and I walk in and I'm just like so do you tell they're like oh you're too wet get the fuck out of here but I pulled my my cash out it's a $20 bill just drenched yeah I got it by the corner like this I just hand her a wet like the ink is running she's an Inca and we get our bagels we walk back and it's just pouring rain the bag is all wet the bagels just fall out of it but then I got stripped naked in the kitchen put some dry clothes on dry sock

after a wet sock dry panties after a wet panty put on my favorite sheath underwear and just enjoyed a nice bagel and being dry after being wet nothing better nothing better especially the whole body too like you were soaked and every pair of clothing you had on was soaked and you get those those wet clothes off that's a that's a peach yeah it was nice nice little morning and then later on it got nice that's we went for a long walk and got hit with a little rain at the end of that again but it felt like Q-Sack it's kind of it's romantic to be soaking wet in the rain it is it is it's dramatic and you feel like you're gonna

make out with with your lady and and feel an epiphany and get a boner it's nice well it's it's nice when you switch from oh my god it's wet right to just like all right well yeah what the fuck I'm soaked you don't have headphones in no no headphones because we were chitin and chatting ah well last night so we put a bunch back we were telling stories and we made dinner drunk like eight of us it was fun we made meatballs and we're hooting and holler and laughing and playing music shithouse and I think the meatballs were a little full not done oh boy I went to bed woke up I kept waking up like oh I'm so hung over what am I doing you know

when you're not when you're hung over at someone else's place it's the worst the the worst because like you don't have your stuff and you're like I need my phone to charge I need my I don't know where the Advil is here I want to just chug water but you don't want to get up every 10 seconds and you don't have your cups there it's their cups they're all weird and you know stupid and so whatever I keep I go to bed I wake up everybody's downstairs breakfast the whole thing and I just go huh what the hell's that I keep eating and I go huh and I just instinctively get up and start walking to the stairs run up the stairs run to the bathroom kick the

door open yeah yeah my face off in the toilet wow hung over on the meatballs I think it was a little of both but I never puked so it's gotta be the meat gotta be the meat I mean we were just saying I would just talk about this the other day because I can't remember the last time I barfed I know neither noro when I open for Louie that first time right right but for booze well that's been eight years yeah oh yeah that's right has it been eight years seven and a half but I puked all the time when I was drinking I puked all the time like once a week I was always puking oh you're one of those guys I don't know puker I uh I'm like laying on the floor

like oh you know it does that that pain in the in the chest huh uh brutal some people can just do it they go I got a puke those bulimic people they rally they throw up and keep drinking I always puke the next day I was over puker done that it wasn't that hell of course it was hell yeah it was like the worst hell it was terrible so close oh sorry so some people can puke some people are like good at puking they knock it out it's almost like brushing their teeth no I'm dramatic if I puke I'm like I take the phone off the hook I stick the remote in my ass and that's it don't cry I was laying on the floor the lady walked in she's like what

happened I was like I puked my face off and she closed the door she was very nice but you just lay in there like you're a like a rape victim um the closest I've come to puking was New Year's Eve morning this past year I went to Newbury Port with my family and we had a nice time and I was having a ginger shot every day I'm making them at home I love these ginger shots it feels good it feels like you're drinking it's good for the immune it's good for your tits whatever yeah so I had one but I didn't know this you shouldn't wake up and have one in an empty stomach that's no good yeah yeah but that's that's powerful

there's things you don't know so I went and got a ginger shot because we're gonna go have breakfast so I fired it back I was like that's a good way to start today yeah and I walked about 15 feet in Newbury Port Mass is like a rich town and I was just having the who yes who I kept stopping at trash barrels and I'm like they're gonna shoot me if I if I'm just throwing up here they're gonna think I'm a drunk hobo lunatic right and I managed to get mad at it and keep it down yes it's almost like a shit well you keep it in yeah and I googled ginger shot empty stomach and like there's 50 articles being like don't do that you fucking idiot you're gonna throw up

your stomach's gonna you're gonna get cancer your asshole your asshole fall out the whole thing interesting maybe good to know if you like swallow some poison just knock knock a ginger back and you're you're puking it up that's not bad yeah but the ginger shot in the morning is good if you're having it with a smoothie or a pair of eggs or whatever right right yeah it's just the puking it's so traumatic for me and uh no one no one in the house knows so I've just been like hiding it I went right back to the to the party well you gotta watch that breath oh yeah yeah I brushed the old teeth after but man you do that thing where you get up off the ground you look in the mirror and you're like booze is evil I mean I love I've been drinking already again

but uh it really does a number on you oh yeah it's not great it's a depressant and uh yeah bad news and that's how the drunks lose their teeth they say it's not the alcohol it's the vomit because the vomit is so acidic it just rots your teeth out I wonder I'm surprised supermodels aren't dropping those chicklets well this I think there's people that are like believing their teeth are all fucked up but I think the backside of your teeth probably get fucked up because that's where the puke is coming like like Indiana Jones right yeah but also very nice of the body just be like this is not good we're gonna get rid of it and I'm going I'll give you a million dollars you know when you feel that puke coming on you're like I'll pay a million dollars just to not have this

happen but it's it's happening that's it yeah you fucking poison yourself my friend iron I would always talk about like we drank to drink yourself sick is so crazy I know so much alcohol that my body's like get this fucking out of here yeah or you're gonna die weird you ever had the poisoning I think I once I almost had it and I think I was an inch away from having alcohol poisoning and I just I laid on a floor of my friend's house for like a day and a half and I just got over it but I think I should have been hospitalized oh yeah I had it went and Everett and I had my mother I think she still hates me I had my mother drive she was with my cousin who was like 10 at the time I was like you gotta come here and there was nothing she could even do for me but I was like I

made her drive through the city to Everett because I was puking like every 10 minutes and it was bush beer cans I could never drink another one I think I drank a 30 pack by myself and I just kept vomiting for like hours and hours and I thought I was dying and I was like you gotta come here bring me talent and like I it's like looking back I just wanted my mommy yes like I was like just be here it's hell I know exactly what you mean when something makes you puke you give it up that's why I stopped fucking fat chicks but it's it's true I have that with I had a bagel sandwich once and it was a bagel with chicken on it and sprouts and it was like a health food sandwich made me puke I never ate never ate a bagel sandwich again no it'll fuck you up for sure my sister had Wendy's

like the day it opened when Wendy's opened in Whitman in my town yeah this is so crazy to like remember the drive-thru had like 40 cars it was like a 1950s in and out burger right right it's a big deal it was wild and like it lasted for like three weeks and then there's nobody there but we went there I think I might have told this story before but there was the first time we had the two window system oh the pay first then pick up yeah so we didn't never heard of that we had a Burger King our whole lives in the town and we went and ordered the food at the little speaker thing the Babe Ruth business oh yeah and we drove right past the first window my dad was like what the fuck is that and nobody said anything we just went got our food and and

left yeah and we were driving away being like we didn't even pay it was like we were from another planet right we're like time travelers that went to the future we were like why is there two windows and then we're like we didn't even pay we slowly put it together like we just did that we just drove right past the pay guy did you get a free meal they probably talked a little huh they they were in cahoots that's what I'm saying we got a free meal we drove past the pay window got our food and took off and we were like what the fuck's going on here oh that's a Larry you play you didn't play dumb you were dumb and it worked out exactly if we played down we would have got caught I think we played it it was like we were like Daniel Day Lewis it was method

we were actual retards wow yeah why do they do the two pay is that a two pay Trump but why do they do the two system well uh Chris Tucker I think it's Chris Tucker has one of my favorite bits of all time that I'm sure you and I have talked about I've never heard that sentence um I think it's Chris Tucker where he says uh ah god I don't want to say the n-word I'll say motherfucker just replace it with the n-word imagine he's saying the n-word all right but uh he says he goes to the burger king and he goes he pays the guy the guy goes you get your food at that meal he goes fuck you I don't know that motherfucker but I love the uh the distrust is so funny oh that's so that's so simple you go get my food you

have my money yeah right I don't know this fucking guy yeah yeah boy drive-thru is we're such a big deal we go we used to go to rallies when I was a kid which is I guess checkers and uh for you northern weirdos but we never had either oh really it's fucking best fries in the biz if you ask me all right yeah but uh what happened at rallies it's still there but I would just go there with my dad and we'd get the big Buford which is like their big mac and you get two big buffers for four dollars or five dollars it was the best deal in town and I was a kid I would eat two big Buford's big Buford sounds like the guy that rapes you in prison I mean my asshole was bleeding after don't get me wrong but it's amazing how fast food was so normal it's like that gaffigan joke

he's like gaffigan fast food's like an old girl used to fuck you know you're like wow that was the crazy times you look back and like that was a big mistake what was I thinking well I mean I like lived off of fast food supposedly Jay Leno I think still is he's just been a fast food guy his whole life yeah also Warren Buffett gets like an egg McMuffin every day and does heroin drinks a full coke and he's like you know 8000 years old and rich and he lives at the Nebraska funny boat oh I might have I have a fart that might be funny I'm not sure hit me nice that was a great I heard it like a yeah I heard your asshole open and then the fart came I heard a gape it was like Wendy's one was the window and the second one was the fart oh yeah

oh that frosty huh how about that was that was a treat love a frosty love a Wendy's I love the square burger and I remember one time you know there's certain things when you're in high school or anytime in your life that for one some reason or another something just hits you and just makes you cry laughing I remember my friend Nick Flynn who was my best friend in high school we were tight as an asshole um and we were talking about Wendy's and he's like I don't like Wendy's and I was like really why not he goes I don't know square burgers creep me out and it's not even a hilarious line but it was one of those things that just hits your funny bones so hard when you're a kid square burgers creep me out the idea of being creeped out by a burger and he meant it too because he had

it ready yes exactly he's thought about it enough to where he was locked and loaded with it I mean it made me laugh for like a half hour you know those that's the thing I missed the most about high school not that we don't laugh now but there was times where I would just laugh for 30 minutes straight I know I remember that and I wish I jotted all of them down because they had we had so many and I can't think of any of them but they were at the time you remember you're on the floor holding your stomach your jizzing I can't remember any of them but we had a million of them all the time because that was back when you just entertained each other you said crazy shit you got a headlock going you couldn't just look at your phone you had to be funny well I remember two both from my friend

Paul Pellegrini um oh no Jeff Welch said one of them those are my two buds in high school and right after high school and uh someone he said it was the conversation was something something back when we were young and we were like 19 and my friend uh Jeff said we are we're still young and my friend Paul goes you know what I mean and Jeff goes oh you mean before we got leather jackets and that was another one I just died laughing it was so funny and all three of us had leather jackets on which was hilarious to me who is this kid this kid's uh this kid's Rodney oh my friend I mean Jeff Jeff Welch Derek wall these guys are like as funny as it gets I mean what are they doing now accounting I mean this is these these guys should be in the business

and there was another guy I mean I mean another time that kid Paul Pellegrini goes uh my friend Jeff I think I told this one before god damn it but my friend Jeff Welch put on incubate he put on an incubus CD and there was a moment it was so perfect because we were like what is this and my friend Paul goes Jeff you got to let us know when we like a new band that was another one that just made me laugh that like group think hey if we like this band I gotta you gotta let me know right right oh man stinking bus I never got it I never liked it the guy was too hot I hate that kind of music yeah me too I hated them and they headlined that jersey shore festival a couple years ago it was nice to duck out early yeah they're big people like them but I

wasn't in any of that cool guy that 90s that late 90s had some real rough you know like 311 and all that shit hated 311 got out of that band there was another band oh limp no no um well they were bad too limp bisque was one of the worst no there was another band that was like wake me up inside oh kind of like that not was it my brain's not working but I know it oh lincoln park lincoln park I hated that oh pu that was a miscarriage on a guitar that was horrific hated that I hated a pop a roach all that shit oof I think big jay liked pop a roach or he knows him or something oh I did uh some festival in cleveland I forget it's like the rock fest you'd know it if you heard it no lands or no edges no holds barred no means no I don't know what it was but uh Cincinnati

yes it might have been Cincinnati I opened for dice and uh pop a roach was like the big headliner and the place was going nuts I was staying next to big jay I I thought he was seeing the Beatles it was insane and the place went they knew every lyric the whole you know they would do the thing when they put the mic out there and everybody had it down it was gross yeah there was a lot of that crap it was so weird because like early mid 90s was so great and the late 90s had great stuff but from the early 90s bands yeah let me ask you this do you remember when you you had a killer line and you said it and it just it just worked um let me think I mean it's harder for some reason it's harder to remember your own um see I remember my own because it met the world to me at the time

yeah I guess I usually do but I don't have one off the top of my head but I mean I've told this before also but I remember being in I think it was high school maybe freshman year the the one of the words we were learning was indiscreet and the teacher asked me to answer use it in a sentence and I said dancing indiscreet and that killed I was proud of that one that was pretty good yeah very good I I had uh two uh one was we were learning expressions I think I might have said this it was in a English class you know like what's good for the goose is good for the gander goes around comes around all those shits and when the teacher goes all right now what do you what do you not do in a glass house and I went shower and that killed killed and then uh another one was uh in high

school first year high school ninth grade science class two girls were passing notes and uh giggling and being all like little geishas and horny and the teacher was giving me that goddamn note and he he opened it up and the girl starts crying she just starts weeping and he's like oh shit he called an audible because he didn't want to embarrass her she was already crying and he goes he was trying to be funny he goes uh one leather ball gag one whip uh one gimp mask and the whole class was like what the hell and I went how'd you get my christmas list and that killed that's big yeah that was it was tense in the room so I had that breaking of tension and that that really sealed it oh those are I mean high school was so fun I looked at high school as like an audio you had

an audience all the time it was so fun completely and you were so bored that he was like I got an hour to try to get a couple zingers in and I remember after I did that that one joke a girl Danielle who would have never talked to me she goes you were funny day do that again and I remember being like oh shit uh Danielle talked to me oh that's excited it was really you realize the currency of funny you're like oh this this this helps I loved high school I loved every minute of it it was so really me and my friend uh Jeff Andrews we used to do really uh just weird silly stuff at one time we snuck into the janitor's closet and stole three big orange cones those like huge ones yeah and then we snuck into a home ec and we stole an egg and then we had like a big

courtyard at our high school and I just dropped the egg and set up the three cones around it and then we sat all day in the window and for the entire day people just walked around it including all the faculty oh that's killer they were like this must be here for a reason because there was cones and one broken egg and it was it wasn't even funny it was just so fun to us right but did you plan that we well we always wait that counts I don't know if you could hear it but that oh yeah that's gonna be fun for the uh the folks but loud and clear oh I got it smells wild but I yeah I smell it we um we well we would always cut class together because we had like it doesn't matter we work of the yearbook we're supposed to be the photography and we were like

we have to go take photos so we would just cut class and go and do weird shit and that was one of the things we did just for fun we just kind of improvised it oh shit we gotta wrap up soon oh geez yeah that's funny I like stuff like that because you get to sit back and nudge your friend and go hey look they're walking around it oh it was amazing and then another time my senior year that was was a leap year and on February 29th we made picket signs for make leap year every year and we kept chanting one more day equals one more day and we got people to join us in between classes we had we we picketed for 366 days wow that was real fun and silly I had a great time yes see I had the friend who would do that and he would go too far where uh one time we were at a

party in high school and there was like a kind of a nerdy guy there and my friend tried to be the cool guy and he goes hey Bill let me let me fill up your beer and Bill's like oh wow thanks man and he's filling up the beer my friend nudged me he goes look look and he had his dick in the cup while filling it up oh because he wanted to fuck with Bill wow full full circle fizzing the jizz uh-huh yeah he was a douche he uh one time we were at a party and you know those uh those radiators on the floor it's like vented yeah not like a stand-up thing but it does just the floor vents and he took a shit in that and they turned the heat on and it just melted down and the whole house was ruined oh melted shit oh yeah he was that guy he would piss in the washing machine he would jizz

in the fish tank he did all kinds of stuff yeah we had some we had some fun times it got wild it got weird and uh they were they were great times i missed those guys i mean i missed that thing of having no real responsibility yes yes and just being like we're drinking and getting retarded who cares i know life was you felt like ferris bueller all the time you know you everything was an adventure you jump in a car you turn the music up you got the wind in your hair you crack a beer everything was fine you could go to a park and just sit in the park with your friends and just laugh all night we would just drive that would be the night for like four and a half hours we'd just cruise around listening to music and fucking howling laughing stopping to steal shit yeah today you think they

do that like bosnia you know what i mean like that feels so american i think they throw rocks at infidels and blow themselves up and shit yeah they kill women and yeah i guess so it just maybe in canada i don't know but it you always wonder like you think in ukraine they uh they get after it i from the ukraine you know say the ukraine is weak i guess they booze it up but i don't know if they're they're i hear like a don henley song in my head you know just fucking tearing it up and doing burnouts and shit oh yeah boys of summer uh um all right i got we gotta wrap it up we're at the hour mark and uh i gotta go hey the hour mark uh half hour joe and hour mark there you go uh that sucked um i got a thing to do here but uh let's uh look go check out the special right i mean

tell them where they can they already saw it everyone saw it yeah it's already i think it's i think it's just gonna hit a wall now i appreciate getting to a million but i think it's over and we had a good run and go go check it out watch it twice tell a friend get your family involved and uh i'm getting no backlash which is weird i got tranny i got gay i got black i got gay and black and nobody cares because i think it's on youtube people like oh he's already on the bottom rung we're not gonna trash him that also is netflix shows it to everybody it's like we talk about with twitter right now it's just comedy fans watching it people it's tuesdays it's fans you already have it's people going from people that are fans of rogan go watch it they like it right

when it gets shown to people that don't like comedy interesting well it's nice and trouble nice to know that many people like comedy oh and i'll say this we'll get out of here seinfeld watched it texted me it goes great special i love the joke density i love this i love that i go oh my god and i wrote back like thank you so much but never wrote back and then i was talking to my lady and she's like well what'd you say about his and i was like and i was like three hours later and i go hey i forgot to tell you yours was great and he wrote he wrote back immediately what did he say what did you say thanks or was he like oh thanks i appreciate it you know i worked hard on it whatever he said but i was like thank god she i mean he

would have just been like this fucking asshole he's not gonna hit me back i don't know if he was thinking that he might have just said all he wanted to say i know but maybe you're right but i got no response back and i even wrote like god i miss comedy i want to get back on the road hoping he'd be like yeah let's do it you know but nothing and then three hours later i go yours was great too and he goes i appreciate it i think it's like our dads we just have to accept that's not the kind of communication they do he says what he wants to say and that's it right right we gotta put a question in or a compliment i think ah yeah that's true because a question you get an answer and a compliment you get a thank you but the main thing is jerry seinfeld watched your special that's

fucking unbelievable it's unbelievable and i got a plan and i'm gonna call them on off your advice all right i like it i like to hear it and uh well tuesday you know i was gonna say something that i'll say in private okay okay you don't think i should do it no no i know it was it was involving the two specials i think one is better than the other oh you watched oh i watched baby oh jeez wow i'm doing over here i'm honored well you know we've seen each other's acts nobody watches anything well i watched the i watched 15 and then the end 15 i can't sit and watch a whole special exactly i've been lying to sam i've never even seen his act i haven't seen i've only seen the clips of sam's i gotta watch clips because here's what you first of all i go we're going along here but

i get it you can't i can't sit and watch comedy because we've talked about the thing with the specials is you just want to watch it live we're not doing stand up right now and oh everyone's banging the pots and the pans over here uh oh we got her oh yeah seven o'clock i always yell let's go red sox out there i think it's funny anyways well well this is two inside what we'll do it on a queef get on the patreon folks oh yeah hear us talk about these special well we'll talk about mark special i don't want to talk about jerry's but uh i'm talking about yours though i want to hear the game plan i want to give you some jizz and then really light it up yeah jizz under my tongue like a cbd um get on the patreon folks sign up if we get to 3 000 we're gonna watch uh strangers

by the lake and do a little audio commentary that's gonna be fun do that and um yeah keep get it keep get a shirt get our old albums get us on uh pandora listen to a spotify we got a ton of content out there we got live laugh queef and uh yeah check out your pod of mindful metal jacket and yeah keep spreading the love i feel like we're growing yeah it's been fun and uh take care wash your hands wear a mask fuck you're dead hey hey that's uh that's something to go out on right there um don't leave your mom out give her a reach around all right brave to say cut it queef is anal gloomy