Tuesdays with Stories! - #352 Super Duper

Episode Date: June 2, 2020

Holy moly, we've got a fresh ep this week as Mark has an awkward time with some non-comedian housemates while Joe does a drive-in stand up show but not before the too of them reunite briefly in the west village. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing hi it's Joe list as well as hey Mark Norman here here we are in the middle of COVID SpaceX and black X it's what do you call this Floyd it's it's crazy out here I mean it is wild yeah I mean I don't know if you

can hear that the helicopter's been going over my household it's like 90s Rodney King Compton out here it's wild yeah tell me about has it gotten violent at all in New York because I feel like New York is so far just been pretty tame well I mean the protests are happening right now I felt bad I had to push the the lady out I was like yeah you gotta get out there I'm doing a pot so she's just out in the in the street going there's barrel fires and a fucking you know baby crying but yeah yeah it's crazy the cops are out the 70 people got arrested just yesterday Fort Green Park is bananas Harlem is is protesting and I

think there are people are all over the like the the steps of the what do you call City Hall and all that shit has there been or what do you call it violence in New York or I don't think so I mean I think there's been some some violence between the cops and the people but nothing like nothing no nothing's burning or anything I fucking I haven't heard from my wife in in nine hours we hit record in four texts no boom boom boom never hear from her you might have gotten pistol whip by a popo or something because I mean she's driving through Mississippi right now so there's no history there no no Jim crowbar but

yeah I I feel like I'm a reporter I'd be the shittiest a porter I'm like yeah they're on the City Hall a couple of Jews got knocked out but yeah it's you can feel it in the air it's it's nutty tangible yes tangible that's good come well what palpable yes wow it's Jake it's weird because you know I went out I took a trip out here to the Louis house I'm hanging out with him and I don't want to disclose his location but he lives in a nice place yeah and you know we went boating there's like police boats driving by and they way hey how do you do and you go and there's like you know it's kayaks and stand-up paddle

boards I swam in the ocean and I feel that guilt you go on Instagram and Twitter and it's just hell and crazy and you know it's a whole scene and yes I got into it yesterday a bunch on social media and it's too much I have to just remove myself from it because some of the hypocrisy from certain people appalling and embarrassing frankly right right but it gets consumed and so yesterday my wife and I would be together every day for three months you know in quarantining and there been delightful we're watching movies we have the two floors of course two floors of whores and so you get separate time she

goes downstairs I go upstairs you know we fucking the ass whatever it is it's nice sounds great she went to Houston her sister my sister-in-law is moving by the way is your what girlfriend have any sisters older sister who just had a baby and I'm you know I'm getting the side-eye like no sister had a baby she got married what when are you gonna pull the trigger I'm like well I might shoot you oh that side-eye I thought you meant that you want to fuck a mom side-eye no no that's a that's a cross-eye that's a good time that's a fuck-eye a brown eye a cock-eye pink-eye evil eye I just noticed there's a huge mirror next to me

it's fucking oh god that was terrifying boy I just had this moment so I'm all over the road here but yeah this moment where you know Louie's got a new camera he's testing it and so he's filming me and then you do the playback is there anything worse than looking at yourself well especially with his big dick next to your face but yeah that's gotta be tough especially like an HD like it's like one of those like I just bought the Super X 48 9 zoom in supercam you see every zit cut the pimple dimple every crevice every zit brutal well my hair is all fucked up cuz I let my wife cut it so the haircut is just it's retard cut

and then not her I look I look retarded I'm not saying she's retarded but worse chain after supercuts is retard cut you don't want to go there it's cheap you paying candy but I got my teeth are facing different directions it's a graveyard in there and then I got oval like I got wide forehead thin mouth area it's like a guitar pick right oh here's the lady I'm terrified you're gonna go can I come back I'm getting murdered oh she's texting she's texting she said you want to hang out what are you getting I don't want to go out into a you know the riots do you want to hang out doesn't she know your podcasting yeah I think she

means after oh I see well what else would you do I could die I'm cool to hang I can make a day out of a TV a jar of peanut butter and a loob all right sorry sorry I forget well I was everywhere oh so anyways I was driving out here the side eye oh it made me think of the my my wife's sister is moving back to Texas so they're driving back they're driving to Houston together the two of them in a car yeah crazy it's like a 22-hour ride or some shit but they left Friday morning and I still have this I don't cheat or lie or drink or do drugs but when the wife leaves you still have that feeling of like hmm

wonder if I can what I can get into you know feeling you know it's a kid it's a kid thing it's home alone your parents are gone let's eat the fudge and then put your dick in things that's exactly what I did I put my dick in fudge and the fudge of my neighbor all right in a racial um but yeah as soon as she leaves I'm like oh what could I do I'm looking around the house I'm sniffing her clean panties I'm looking in her diary I'm you know yeah I know it too well I mean I used to have a friend and he was religious and we I'd sleep at his house and his parent I'd wake up on Sunday it was like home alone the parents and all that went to

church and they're like marks an atheist devil worshipping homo we're gonna leave him here and we're all gonna go to church they put their best on they went out there and I would go ham in this house I mean panties I was all over the sister's room I looked like a one of those chinchillas that rolls in dirt except I was rolling in in women's clothing and tampons and dildos it was it was paradise yeah it's exciting I can remember being at my I moved into my previous girlfriend's apartment like I moved into her place and she had a job and I didn't because I was a hobo comic sure and like immediately and I would

find weird stuff like her with you know these big stud rugby players that she used to blow and then like condo like a box of condoms that's like 75% gone which is weird because you're looking at it and you're looking at photos of her kissing a guy with a jaw and this condoms missing and so I'm just like each one of the and I remember counting them as like a pack of 75 pack and there's like eight left and I'm like this is 63 fucking railings of my girlfriend rugby rails that's tough but those I mean that is also something kind of spicy about it like yeah you whore you slut you're weirdo kind of cuckold II yeah I used to

read my friend's girl's diary and these died these gals with the diary I'm like you're asking for it well what do you got a book called like naughty thoughts or something with a picture of a clit on it and a unicorn of course I'm gonna read it I'm 13 well they usually they have the little fucking lock on them oh that lock I could take a piss in that lock it would open that lock was made out of plastic and tears it was nothing I know even if you open it you can't read you yeah I don't know I think I left it open I was freewheeling I was like I wanted her to know then she would come up to me and we'd start you know fucking well I

mean I mean famously I've told the story I tried it as a bit for years I had I was in that g-chat right away and she described me as ugly to her friend she was like met this guy I'm in love with him he's the best he's the funniest he's unattractive but a great guy yeah and then it went on by the way the girl was like oh unattractive that sucks she's like yes teeth are fucked up and his dick's weird she's like I'm gonna give him a chance it was really big plus this how do you live it was horrible I mean and then now I'm cut to 12 years later that's on my mind I'm looking at an HD you know Louis film and I want to kill

myself well it made you made you funny you got to get funny after I mean I was doing fine before that I was at Caroline's I was past I didn't need a loved one to call me a troll I guess so I mean you're I mean you gotta look at Alan though I would say something like that to Alan he would go but you were you were plowing her so that says something no she cared about me and she thought I was a good person but that's so that's nice but then like I went back in those college g-chats because she was fresh out of college and a lot of them were like oh my god I'm so hungover I suck nine dicks last night I swallowed

my sister's ass and it was pretty with like weird but also there was something dirty to know the girl your fucking has been dirty recently yeah I guess I go I think women are a lot more than they they give off I think they're pretty they got some fucked up shit going on in that in that ponytail some but then some you think that and so you've read that you've read the diaries you've seen the g-chat and you watched HBO Real Sports whatever that show was right and then so then when you're fucking you're like yeah tell me about your uncle and they're like what I'm not that kind of girl and you're like oh shit sorry that's true I

guess that's just human nature I mean men men do it women do it to men too they're all creeps they're all sickos and hornballs and sexual deviants and then I listen to my girlfriend's friends talk and they're like my boyfriend won't fuck me he's a pussy he's asexual I think he's gay and I'm like oh that's all they talk about and I'm like so which one is it are we are we sex crazed wackos are we fucking asexual yeah I mean similarly like I've told the story but I fucked the chicken Connecticut I did the bit about her years ago where it was at City Steam and she took me back to her house and she had like a Mustang like a

souped-up Mustang and she was like weaving in on traffic she was doing like 90 and she was playing Buck Cherry you're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good you're on top of it yeah and then we went back to her house and she got on top me was calling me a nerd and she was fucking like grinding real hard and was like yeah you fucking nerd and it had she had Buck Cherry blasting and she broke my glasses and then and she said if you don't come I'm gonna be pissed and she thinks that like that's what a guy's into but I'm like lady give me a hug you tell me my dad loves me yeah back rub and blow me right make me lunch rub my

feet and then kiss the nape of my neck I mean I'm a sweet boy right yeah I guess we got maybe we just got to stop generalizing and realize everybody's a unique little snowflake yeah which brings us back to the protest whatever but oh that's what I started to say I feel guilt because you know I don't know what to do you know it's you know cops killing people sucks and this person saw that a lot of things suck but I had a vacation plan so what am I supposed to do it is tough but I keep getting mixed I talked to fat Chris Al today which is nice to actually talk to a person of color yeah he's my go-to as

well we've been texting it up yeah you get some insight and you know he said I had a lot of great points I didn't think about but here's the here's the clinker I'm scared to ask as a big you know honky-face blue-eyed devil brown-eyed devil but like you don't want to broach it but you want to know but like I saw a bunch of tweets today like contradicting like black people going hey white people if you're silent I know you're up to something or you're part of it or you're a cop secretly or you need on my ass one time but then it's also like hey white people stop chiming in we don't care about you and I'm like I don't know

what to do I just want to be a good egg and then help Bernie Sanders blow yourself and I don't know what to do yeah it's tricky and it's hard to win I guess in that way but that's with certain folks that are upset with you or whatever and you guys got to know where we're good people and where you know you got to know what's in your own heart yeah I guess it's just it's a kooky time where you have to decipher it's tough I just tell me what to do I'll do it tell me what to feel and there's all these mixed things and I'm like I don't know where to go so then you make you just want to step out of it you know and

you're like I want to help I want to do the right thing I want to be a good person but I'm scared to involve myself yeah and if you say one thing people paint you into this huge corner everybody paints now there's a lot of corner painting yes I'm like boy the they rest the media we don't want the media getting arrested people like you fucking love CNN you fucking liberal cuck I'm like I hate CNN I hate the mainstream media I can't stand it I think they have their own fucking problems right but you did they try to paint you into this you're this and then both sides say you're this and you're

that and I'm like I'm kind of that and I'm kind of this you don't know what the fuck you're talking about you don't know me I know that's all what happened nuance you know it's like men are scum but then we're all the same but then you know I watched the Epstein doc which we got to talk about I'm halfway through and like this Jelaine chick is just as bad as that be just she doesn't have a dong basically Jelaine Venice yeah she's a piece of shit so I don't know it's it's all kooky I just that's why it's so good to talk to fat Chris Al because I'm like what was black chick said this he goes she's an idiot I'm like okay okay that's

nice to hear and now I know yeah it's and it's like you said to like if you don't speak you're in trouble if you're speaking for that in trouble I feel that way with like writing I'll write it you write a movie and people like hey there's no people of color in here and I'm like I was afraid to write for a person of color aren't I assuming and then if I write the wrong thing and then this so I'm like this is a movie with four white people all based on myself my aunt my dad and my grandma yeah it's a porn Jimmy crack card and look we're a couple of crackers and I you know we're like we're scared to do this but we want to help

but and then but I think black people go through that too with like I want to chime in but I don't want everybody thinking I'm the angry black guy but I I need to say this but I don't want people to think I'm not saying enough and then the other black people gonna hate me as a self-loathing Uncle Tom and all that so it's gonna be tough for them to very tough and yeah I mean we're fortunate I guess our privilege is that whatever we do and say it's just noise it's just social media people being like hey you fucking liberal cuck fucking loser or hey you're racist asshole whatever it's basically just tweets or

comments where yeah our friends aren't people that we're actually friends with know who we are and know how we feel and love us no matter what that's not up for debate or change that's not that's changing right and who we are as people is not affected by it either so a lot of that is just noise unless you're out in the street and you're getting fucking hit with a brick in the face or stepped on or choked whatever that is that's not whatever it is is you know that's a different situation yeah last thing I'll say cuz I've made we're getting too gay here but the I've really won and I sound like a douche from the

40s but I really blame the media here the media it puts it out there so much this guy's neck has been kneeled on it's a horrific site and they keep showing it over and over like we're supposed to jerk it over here and I'm like look it's we got it this poor guy's family has to see this over and over and it's a bit sensational and they're there I feel like they're profiting from just keep showing sad shit instead we could be showing how we could help a use the time better I don't know it just feels like a lot feels heavy the media is a huge player in this no question about it they got there ever and they never we

talked about this recently they never circle back on anything it's all death if it bleeds it leads that kind of stuff where like for instance when's the last time you heard about Italy what's going on in Italy for weeks it was Italy's gonna die we all die it's crazy they get their stackin bodies ten high and I'm like was it better is it worse I mean aren't they still six weeks ahead of us it's old news they don't care and how about this how about the fucking weirdo who shot up Arizona what was that two weeks ago a guy mass shooting is going on during a pandemic that just came and went and also the guy was the guy was

Hispanic so I feel like this isn't this isn't sexy enough he's Hispanic he shot a guy who cares if it I feel like if it's a white guy and he shoots brown people that's a way better sell for them yeah there's definitely a lot of stories skipped and Brendan Walsh trees like is there not one story of somebody recovering that's like inspired like a million people have recovered does not any reports on any of it yeah it's not sexy no sex so yeah it's garbage and it's all it's all capitalism they're getting paid on the clicks and the views and the business and they got us and we're all part of the problem I mean I'm

part of the problem I watched the news and I'm like oh fire let me let me turn it on I want to see a fire I want to see a riot I want to see a shooting what's the monkey brain you see fire you go what's that fuck fuck the nice lady let's let's see the fire yeah so we're all we're all part of one big system and we're all a part of the problem yeah yeah yeah grand problem and I don't mean the one problem in the problem of racist cops or this or that it's the disconnect and the anger and all this stuff and Louis had a great point that he's talked about before everybody is somehow under that this is a huge

fundamental problem is that everybody thinks everybody should agree on everything hmm everybody's of the feeling that like everyone should a hundred percent agree in the past you'd just be like no this is my pal where we agree with all these things but at some shit we just have staggering differences on but we just get along despite them it's now everybody feels like if you don't believe this then you're a fucking piece of shit right right yeah that's very true both sides do that yeah you're right and we do it to the littlest detail it doesn't have it's not just about abortion or healthcare it's like you

don't like Marvel movies fuck you and like who gives a shit it's a Marvel movie it's a guy in his underwear with wings or a cape who gives a fuck we're gonna fight over this yeah and it's it's it's badness dangerous and then both sides again have that thing of like if you say this you are this yeah and that's like all right well I say that but I'm not that you know it's it's everything wants everything wants everything to be very broad all right all right we better get to the bread and butter here be shot and killed yeah yeah alright well I got a lot to talk about we we spent 18 minutes on that I got I got a ton of juice

oh we got to tell them about the thing oh geez get good yeah they had the only fans where we're is it only fans or fans only I think it's only fans all right only fans dot com I fuck I didn't even read the thing market going into porn yeah all right we'll pull it up it's only fans only fans only calm slash Tuesdays check it out we're gonna be doing little videos every week and it's free all you got to do is sign up and we're gonna be doing extra content for free fun stuff only fans dot com slash Tuesdays Tuesday plural and yeah come on over there and we thought it was a porn site it used to

be a porn site maybe it still is but we don't know what's what but they came they wanted us so we're gonna do extra 15 minute things a week it's similar to the patreon but this one's free and no pressure to buy or own but go over there we'll be there only fans dot com slash Tuesdays go check it out it can't hurt check it out it's more content it's fun stuff it'll probably be porn related if you know what I mean you're allowed to get pretty down and dirty on that site I think that's the whole basis of the site is is porn so we're gonna we're gonna dive in and we won't tell you what it is but you got a sign in the sea that's

what I'm thinking I think it I think we'll make it somehow sexual oh yeah I don't think we talk enough sexuality on this program now sex and race and retard I think we're missing yeah we leave it out quite a bit so yeah we got to fill that gap in get in there and yeah tell me some stories I haven't seen you and watch that it's so funny Mike I saw you two days ago before that I hadn't seen you for four months well we didn't get to really dice it up and chop it up yesterday you had a car and we had a cupcake and your lady was there so I couldn't really fuck your asshole but I know we had an hour the whole gang

was there and it's awkward it's like everyone's first thing and I don't know who's comfortable with what if it was up to me would all be quadruple kissing but I don't know what's going on I get it I love a good four-way smooch but I actually did a three-way kiss once in high school and it's not not what it's cracked up to be but you're getting too much of somebody yeah then you got a you got a lip over here you got a tongue in your your eyeball you got a finger in your nose it doesn't work your mouth doesn't shape three ways but either way it would be a good scene for a movie sorry if we went for a triple kiss and then

the two people just clearly directly kissed and the third person's like that fuck it was a little that with me but I won't get into it was at a parking lot the whole the whole thing was cuckoo but so I just want to finally I'm alone here so I can read myself I we zoomed from that Connecticut house when I was there a Cornwall Connecticut hi and and it was this big mansion on like 12 acres with a lake and a barn and all this and I gotta tell you it was rough really well I mean I hope nobody hears this and whatever but like no one listens to this show yeah I mean somebody who was there basically but like it was like 12 people

a lot of couples some gay guys some ladies some dudes straight dudes and you know I was drinking every night and and you know me listen to music and we made dinner we made breakfast we read books we went up in the lake we did kayaking so on paper like this is gonna be amazing it's gonna be like summer camp but man I mean when's the last time you spent five days or four days with strangers who are comics I don't know I mean probably never I mean I hang out with Sarah's family my family cotton a big group of non comics never that's what people are like don't marry a comic you don't date someone with a headshot I'm like I don't

know we have all the same friends yes and the same passions and lifestyle yeah I mean you bring a civilian around Ari and he's leaving a bloody shit in the toilet and everyone's calling each other horrific things yes go back to their bank friends or whatever but man it is I mean it was four days of tiptoe egg shells and you know me I'm a fucking wacko come guzzling Nazi I'm saying all kinds of shit and I'm trying to fit in so I'm bringing the heat all day long and the heat was exactly what they didn't want and it it got wild I mean I'm talking I'm alone in the sink like I'm looking at the mirror I put water on my

face I'm sweating I'm like Costanz out there and I'm apologizing the lady she's like what was that I'm like I'm sorry I blew it I'm stupid me and oh I mean I gotta tell you driving away from there was like I was like getting out of Dachau I was like oh I was looking at the building behind me like whoo the dust was kicking up I had a tear my I was so happy to get out no you were telling me about that sounds like a stage of hell I mean like just hanging out with regular old lady friends yeah I mean Sarah has some friends but like she's a comic so she is that person she's the irreverent you know say in the language and the

business I sell it Cosby you know the language and the boobly boops and dibbity dips right the sleepy pills they get it so and you know now she's 68 years old so they're all dead in retirement homes so yeah it's usually we're hanging out with comics but why is it so hard to other people this is a paradise it's it's friends and a house and in dinner where we you know they're they're washing dishes listening to rain and men and everybody's in an apron and you know but I mean it was I guess we analyze too much maybe because I'd walk in the kitchen to someone else in the kitchen making like a sandwich and I'm

like hey and then everything is a thing you're like all right do I say something do I not say so it's like I don't know how to socialize I completely had to be like how would I act how does a normal person act what do people do in this situation oh brutal well it's brutal it reminds me of like I'm sure I told this during the podcast where I was at Starbucks one time and my app wasn't working and I was like sorry it's being cunty and the ladies like what right but you forget that I'm like cunty to me is just is nothing it's an adjective I mean that's been shitty but even shitty is like people like shitty whoa I know I

know I just it blew my mind throughout the whole process of it I'm like why is this so hard would this be hard for Joe would this be hard for you know Soder like why is this hard this is what people do this is what normal people do and I'm fucking floundering I'm I'm I'm laying in bed at night looking at the ceiling like all right tomorrow you gotta you talk about the weather have some have bring up something have a have a news story look at the news have something to go off I'm preparing no that's why that's what's so special or nice about comics is Seinfeld had that great quote about it's you go through

ten thousand things as a comedian so you meet someone you have ten thousand things in common right where you're like oh you could just go into comedy stories or whatever you speak that language and you assume other things have changed that they have some irreverence to them right right it's like you know you're at a green room you're like yeah you know there's a couple of retards in the audience everyone's like oh god I hate retards but if you do it at a coffee party or whatever they call people are gonna shit their pants and throw seaweed at you yeah yeah I got a lot of eye rolls at

dinner I mean we're at a big mahogany table like it was the 40s and we were polygamists and you know people are cutting the meat and I'm saying I'm you know one lady like excused herself I can't remember what I said but it was tough and and I'm just like why am I weird are they weird and then and look you got to take some of the onus you got to go look I'm a I'm a I'm super insecure so if I say something and no one reacts I just shut down I panic so that's on me that's on me I gotta just realize how to be a human so it's partly me don't get me wrong I'm aware of that but I just strange because you

mentioned a irreverent but I think everyone is irreverent we've just learned how to societally cool it you know and keep it tamped down but maybe I have I got no tamp and they all go back to their bedrooms and blow each other and lick assholes and eat vinegar or whatever they do you know but then it's just weird to come out and be like hey hey watch it watch your mouth there young man I'm like what we're the grown-ups why am I we could make the rules we're in a cabin in the middle of hell this is we can do whatever we want well I think times have changed and they're not all blowing they might blow each other but

they don't say whatever no right so it's tricky but no I mean I think a lot of people have those problems I mean there's plenty of books and studies and shit about it the thing to remember is nobody's thinking about you as much as you think yes yes but they are like we've talked about this before two people always like ah nobody's thinking about it I remember like having a hanging out with a guy who is sober I was newly sober and he's like tell me some things you did and I was like we can't do it here there's people he's like no one's listening I'm like what are you insane we're sitting three feet from someone

I'm about to tell you about the time you know I ate a girl out on after throwing up in her at like of course they're gonna listen I'm gonna tell you the craziest shit in my life and they're sitting next to us and if I was a guy I'd be all over this door I'd be listening like I'd be pulling out the fucking one of those big deaf guy earhorns from the 40s you know of course like the guys listening because I would be listening that's all I ever do is listen but that's part of it too like I talk about this with Alan all the time is you know my I just realized you can spell anal with Alan that's funny yeah

it's an anachronym or synonym whatever the what those call we can mix the letters up oh yeah homograph homophobe something I don't know it's one of those I can't remember but yeah algorithm no definitely not that I don't even know if you said that I think yeah I know you're talking about agoraphobic I can't remember well anyways call it um fuck what was I gonna say I don't remember anal anal is also an analogy Alan would say yeah it's a jumble it's a word jumble yeah but I can't remember what I was gonna say about the whole Alan would say I'd ask him about something social anxiety oh no one's thinking about you more than you

you're thinking they're thinking yeah that's what you don't know it's lost who cares I was gonna solve all our problems but well either way here's the clinker we went back the last night everybody kind of the last morning everybody's hungover everybody leaves we all do our goodbyes and hug and one of the guys goes you know I think there's a restaurant that's open in Connecticut and we were there was like four of us left or five of us and we're like we should do that so we went to the restaurant I sat down I ate a restaurant nice I mean it was so weird it was it was like it was a lot of COVID yes yes you can't eat a

restaurant anymore but we didn't I know what you're talking about that's why I was like all right I guess that's kind of a good thing that it wasn't that shocking to you but it felt like you know like oh my god we're going to the White House or something we're going to a restaurant well here's the same here's what's so weird so I'm out here in the middle of nowhere and you know we went on the boat today Louise got a boat we went on the boat I'm swimming in the ocean I like for the first time completely forgot about COVID because it's not if we don't have a mask on us we're out in the middle of the fucking

water sure swim in bullshit and 69 and you'd like oh right I forgot that this is crazy horrific virus allegedly going around and it was pretty nice and it's also the first time I've been in a car like I drove out here and you feel like I got Tom Petty going the windows down I'm doing 110 miles an hour on the highway and you're like oh you forgot what real freedom feels like yes yeah it's nice to forget I think that's what they're doing in Florida they go out to the beach and you know all the news crew goes what are you crazy and they go ah leave me alone I'm trying to put it out of my mind here right well you got to be

careful and be safe but it's pretty pretty nice out here yeah I believe it nowhere I believe it that's the whole point of these summer homes is a pandemic I think hey we better give them the goods this ladies gentlemen this episode is brought to you by feels CBD which I'm fresh out of by the way I got some more I'm gonna use this I'm gonna use this code feels that's F e a ls CBD folks this stuff is the real deal as you know I was skeptical for a long time started taking it that's the thing I miss it you get this little orange tube in the mail it comes in a cool little to it's a tube inside a tube and it's

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bucks in shipping again that's B L U E chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free I mean come on free boners you can't pass that up get on it folks and get your dong heart again all right I'm glad you're back safe at Manhattan yeah this is my third trip yet and I think I might go on one more I want to I want to plug this next week or this weekend I will be at the Addison improv fry day Saturday Sunday doing gigs fuck it that's wild I'm interested to see how that goes because I've talked to a couple people working in some places are 25% summer 50% and they get the waitresses have masks and you have to

have sex with your father so I'm wondering what it's gonna be like I think there's all those things and I mean the whole process I'm nervous going to I'm going to Dallas so come out folks I mean if I don't sell this out I'm gonna kill myself because they allow eight people in the room plus the cook so I'm just great like getting on a plane getting in the seat you know going through security landing then you got to get an Uber then you get to the hotel you check it I mean all those things it's been so long it's so I'm rusty you're not just rusty in comedy rusty in travel and and getting around no and the the

longer you go without doing it the less you want to do it right it look it's daunting I used to go we should do it every weekend so you just go that's part of life now I'm like this is quite the excursion I'm going on should I bring eight bags should I should I get a fucking antibody test should I get an AIDS test should I go gay what do I do well it's and it's like traumatic all the travel we were doing I'm gonna talk about this in the queef when I was walking the other day and I saw a woman in the back of a cab heading to the airport in Astoria like I could she was going the route of the airport and it

gave me like a blue like a nauseous feeling because I'm like I had just gone there so many mornings in a row on like not enough sleep that alarm going off and just heading to that airport every fucking Thursday every Sunday yeah and I'm like I'm not ready for it I want to I want to stay off for a little while totally I'm not even COVID I just don't want to fly I get it I get it I'm with you but I think once I hit that green room and then you go you see the show starting and you hear the people laughing and the host is on and you're like all right I got 20 minutes till I go on I'm excited for that you're

looking at your notes then you gotta step on that stage to applause and the lights and the first joke and the it's gonna be pretty wild I think yeah that I miss I mean we came in me and Sarah Sarah and I and her sister we came in we saw you obviously and we drove in Sarah's sister rented a car and said let's go drive around Manhattan see what it's like and we drove through Times Square it's empty and we drove it at 5 p.m. across the Queensborough Bridge just not empty but like relatively empty on a Friday mind you Friday at 5 p.m. and in the old days I think it was a Thursday actually in the old days they would have traffic

going one way like all four lanes there was no two ways into the thing it was all going one way gridlocked and we went down there and that was my first time getting out of the car in the village walking by the olive tree slash comedy seller and walking up past Ben's I was like man I would love to go eat some wings do a set I know with some comics I know it's a special thing but I got a tie I don't want to get too jizzy on you but when I saw you drive by and I wasn't ready for you I forgot you were coming on everything and I did I got the chills and the willies and the beeps and the sweeps I was like I felt like I had like

a six-year-old when he sees his friend and I go into a sleepover I was like you know it was great yeah well it was funny because we just drove down to the village I was like well I had to go down there to pick up a car and I was like we were just looking for parking and so we were just weaving in and out of streets and as we take the left I was like this is actually Mark Street right here and then there you go low and behold you're just sitting there and I was like lay on the horn and Sarah sister just banging on the horn it was so fun and you're like mid-show and it was exciting and it was the first well we've seen a couple

friends around Astoria but it was exciting to see you yeah I know it was very exciting then we hung out I mean you have the classic thing where you were like we're walking to the cupcake shop so I started walking that way and I you saw me you got great you got great vision for seeing people a mile away I'm ready I'm always ready to find somebody you really are I mean if you ever had a kid and he got lost and you would see him in that pedophile van from three streets down you'd be like there's Jimmy get him you know it's amazing to me you just look like a tall palm tree you know but you saw me a block away and you're

like hey Marcus you do that famous Marcus and it gets you right away and you're like there he is I feel like a puppy running up to his master's shin so he gets to hump it oh it's hard not to just do a big group hug and a quadruple kiss and the cupcake thing and then it's hard because you don't know who's what and who's afraid of Virginia Wolf you know everyone you walk up to you like can we go in the cupcake place I know in I know and the whole time I'm going mask up mask down mask up because you just want to be courteous to people right it's about being fucking courteous you fucking idiots but anyways getting

those cupcakes was really something and you and Sarah just left your cream cheese it was so hard not to lift cream cheese off your balls you should have licked it fatty I don't care lick it out it's just too much I'm not a too big of a sweet cunt whatever it's called icing yes big diff butter cream butter cream boy that's a porno title right there I just fat chicks getting jizzed on butter cream but yeah then did we tell about the car should we hide that well yeah I guess we could talk about the car well so I came out maybe not I don't know maybe I'll get canceled I don't know what the fuck oh that's right

that's right well I came out here to see Louie let me borrow his car went and picked up the car and it was very exciting it's a nice Porsche Porsche and yeah got everyone in there and dropped his off and then it was hard cuz dropping and Sarah had her own car so I all of a sudden I was by myself like yeah you're by your one with my wife but alone with my wife for months and then you meet up with some friends you have a group hang on we're eating cupcakes we're sitting in the Sun we're checking out Dames and it was all like 45 minutes just gone and then I'm back in the car by myself whipping up 3rd Avenue but yeah I have

to say you know the car was on 70s at 7 series radio CCR was on I haven't had a random song come on in years right where you're just listening to the radio and like you know CCR comes on I got the thing full blast and 3rd Avenue I got it to myself and I drove up on the sidewalk for a couple minutes it was just great you feel free yes yes you feel like an American you're in a fucking muscle car basically boom and some classic rock with the window down and at summertime you got your the wind in your stubble it's great it was really something driving over the Queensboro bridge and then we parked that car and

and then I drove out here the next day and today it's like it's 75 cloud I mean I feel the horrible guilt that the world's on fire and I'm doing backflips with a big beautiful dog and sitting by a campfire yeah you're on a boat you're in a barca lounge you're the you got a great tan the whole thing's topsy turvy all right so I got some some big news but I don't know I don't know if it's bragging or if I'm supposed to say it no hit me with big throw to my ass see if I come we need big we're dying out here two things so you know I put the special out and it's doing well as in yours is coming out so everybody you

know keep an eye out for that that come quad but put the special out it did well and I got a ton of traction from it I got a ton of like agencies and networks and stuff like hitting me up like now that we've see you can get some numbers let's talk and I'm like well I'm the same guy you chuch remember me knocking on your door a year ago but whatever you got to prove it I guess so I got a little TV thing cooking what it is but I got a ton of money for it and I bought an apartment you bought an apartment I think you already bought an apartment what do you mean you bought another apartment well I'm gonna rent this one out and

live in that one wow so I say I had this idea about four years ago oh really we talked about in the pod I was like what are you living in here for get a big house and rent this to my sister's ass well maybe I took your advice but yeah I'm gonna rent this I mean this is the size of a doll house over here and no way to live no especially with a with a with a chunky lady walking around with a big tits everywhere and so I took the money immediately and just put it right into a COVID place because I'm like well the prices are dropping I'll never have this much money again so I'm back to broke but I got a place out of it and

I'll rent this one out so hopefully the rent from this can pay for that so where is the place can you text me or can you show me on your body where he touched you yeah it's about five blocks north if that okay so you're in the same hood same hood you know give or take and and it's much bigger much nicer this is no way to live I'm living like a Mexican kid in a cage on the border here and this is this is a real apartment so this is exciting I mean now you're gonna be living free I guess well maybe we'll see I mean my friend brought up a good point he was like yeah I guess you're gonna rent this out but who's gonna rent in

this climate I was like oh shit so I might the rent for real low hmm yeah for now maybe I don't know I mean someone somewhere someone must be moving there's eight and a half million people someone must want a place in the village I hope I hope but I'll probably go way under market or whatever the hell they call it wet market I don't know but it's gonna be a low low rent for a while then I'm gonna I'm gonna have to be the guy go hey hey times are changing we're gonna have to hike that up there Jew face and you know I'm gonna be that guy now yeah you're a landlord you're the man yeah I'm the man I am the man wild oh now now

how does it work cuz do you have to fix shit cuz like I rent I call up my Greek guy and say hey my my toilet's overflowing get over here and fix it are you that guy that's a good question I hope I mean I would I'd probably hire your Greek fuck and then try to get him in here cuz I don't want I don't know how to fix it sink well what do you do if something's broken there yours is a co-op so does somebody that is there a super at your place there's a super yeah he's he's a little shifty he's a slippery one but we got a super I haven't seen the guys since 88 but he's around cuz you're not super no no no I'm not even

dooper I'm I'm stupid I got nothing what is it pooper I'm a pooper yes I'm a big party pooper and I ain't no super I'm a super girl I don't know I got nothing I don't know what to do if you I can hang a photo maybe or I can clog a drain I can't really unclog but I'm on the photo even I mean I couldn't fix why I mean what I don't know if there's one thing I could fix in an apartment yeah yeah I can vacuum vacuum that's something that's something I can clean a tub I can get all my hands and knees and clean a tub yeah I've seen you in your hands and knees I mean for a while our sink wasn't working and I took a paper clip and I

I rigged it and pulled out some hair and that was something but it didn't sound the problem that's a router a roto router snake I think they call snaking it snaking jakes I don't know but so when do you but get the new place well we went and saw it and it's exciting like seeing an apartment because you know it's COVID time you're stuck in your apartment so then you get to go to a new apartment look inside there's no realtor so there's no fucking lady in a pants suit going this is where the nursery all go you have to deal with that shit you can just kind of look around I took photos I farted we fucked in there and

it's so state-of-the-art I mean it's like marble kitchen and beautiful big shower and like track lighting and they got the brick exposed and I exposed myself I got I can't wait till you come by we got a pot in there it's gonna be the new lunch stuff studios and you got that right I'm interested maybe you can put a comic in there so you know you can come back and see it every once in a while that's not bad that's not bad I like that someone we know is gonna get divorced soon oh yeah no doubt about it so yeah maybe this will be like the comics you know when they come in from out of town like the Ari pad you know

people come and go that could be something but that they're not gonna be paying monthly rent though you gotta get no cover that rent yeah yeah you're right I mean like a like a immigrant cuz they won't they won't they won't complain I'm excited because that place is it's tight I mean oh yeah shitting and pissing there's a nightmare there's no soap in there I mean the kitchen is the living room which is the bedroom it's a tough spot it's tough alright I mean even the doors they collapse and they're they're like what do you call it vented so you know my mom took a shit in here I could taste it it was right there

you know so yeah it's again it's exciting I mean moving is gonna be a cunt right a cunt hair in my teeth but you know you do that part you get it over with now you got a great a great new place well moving's the worst but it seems like you're gonna be moving close so yeah yeah yeah and there's no deadline to get out of here so I can leave a big turkey in the fridge and then you know come back later for it that's big that's exciting man congrats I'm looking forward to it thank you thank you it's funny to have a bunch of money and then just buy us something huge immediately and have no money again yeah but you have

you have things we were just talking about that it's like that's more valuable yeah yeah assets exactly it's the same as having money basically it's like instead of the stock market you got a thing and then you're actually physically living in it yes yes you're really getting the stock is just Greek to me it's numbers whizzing by on a ticker and everybody's yelling and yeah I can't do pork bellies and orange juice I can't keep up but doesn't that make you really want to go back to work though I know I know I want to like furnish this place with nice stuff I want to yeah I want to pay for it I want to make a nut I gotta

get in some nut again I want to parlay it I want to make a big score oh so you mean you want to lose it well I'm gonna reference sorry what you say that might have been our first reference today no I think maybe I don't know there was something I'm sure there was a small one in there somewhere we didn't even realize vinyl maybe that may be I suppose you can swivel but I was so speaking of work and I talked about this on the patreon if you're not on the patreon you got to get on it so yeah have a home and we just cleaved it up there's all new stuff on there ton of new stuff a lot of queefs a lot of weird

shit a lot of live episodes a lot of good stuff in there I mean you can join for four bucks for Christ's sake but anyway so I did a gig I did the historic the first live show in New York City and I was right in there and it was quite quite a situation let me bring you back to that gig that's all I heard was just car honks it was pretty crazy so we did a gig the Belair diner which is like my my diner my walking distance diner classic New York Greek diner you can see it in comedians and cars Howard Stern episodes they're there right and they've been doing these drive-in movies they're

playing movies and I guess they had a DJ to let you go I don't know dancing your car whatever you do with the fucking DJ hate a DJ what boy the DJs are getting away with murder they don't do anything they get a million dollars I never think they need the earcup thing either they always got this thing going I don't get it we got to call them like DJ domino face or whatever I'm like yeah you put iTunes what are we doing here yeah I don't get it I didn't want to get one for our wedding I want to just do a playlist and hit play and they're like you can't do that that one that's not gonna work exact they're their grandfathered in

they're like a union you can't fuck around you can have a wedding you can't have a party with a DJ now now every comedy show has got a fucking DJ he's on the stage I'm like what are you doing DJ queefy it's a little queefy over here is spinning the ones and twos it's silly and I mean I don't know maybe it's a profession whatever I mean there's the ones that make balloon animals and they have like a silly hat and they got kids a balloon animal I'm down I'm not that's something tangible palpable but the phone I'm like I feel like I'm a better DJ I get a tune going I wait for it to end I put I press play yeah and they

always say they say we say hey hey they mend the song when one song ends and it slides right I don't need I don't need to mend I'm good I've just let one end one play that's it finish finish start you know it's better than a mend and end I like the end of the song it fucking it ends and on its own volition and then it's up a new tune now I'm going hey here comes the best part oh it mended fuck no yeah it's Michael Jackson now I fit the amendment but anyways so they would they started they were like we're gonna have comedy so I get a text from Jnog who's a comedian New York guy and he says do you want to do the show

Bel Air and at first I was thinking it was four months ago I was gonna be like show in a parking lot get real pal and then I had like a ten minute thing of like this is it I mean what else am I doing it's three blocks away it'll be fun and weird and I got nothing else to do and it paid pretty well actually oh really yeah so I think they're going weekly so let me know when you're booked on this thing although I think they're going PG 13 I got a little rough but yeah Sarah and I went for our nightly walk we walked down there and then about 50 cars it was sold out wow 50 cars and you can probably get three people in a

car yeah exactly there was a bunch of people in the cars and they have them all like fanned out like three in the front row six in the next row ten in the next row and it was like seated well if you can say that sure and the stage was the back of the bed of a pickup truck they just had like the the gate down yeah and it was weird I mean it's not ideal and Jnog goes up there and goes instead we can't see you laughing so if you want to applaud just honk your horn oh god what a mistake that is so he does a couple jokes he's got some good bits and all of a sudden he goes yeah so yada yada yada and all of a sudden it's just

bad bad bad bad bad and some fucking old asshole called the cops like the police came like whoo whoo there's a van and like riot police show up they're like you can't be honking in this neighborhood so we had to switch from honks to headlight flashes all right all right that's quiet which is better it was weird because it's a 6 p.m. show it's like broad daylight and we all did 15 minutes every single comic either went short or went how much time is that right right of course we're all rusty and there's no laughs so I literally eight minutes in I was like did I miss the light they're like you're at 7 40 and I'm

like fuck me what were you doing 10 15 oh Jesus so it felt like a lifetime up there but I have to say it felt fun like you're up there you're on stage you have the mic you can see the people there was some Tuesdays there yes and you know they're waving and clapping they're very pretty it felt like doing shows for the troops they were so rightful right yes that's nice and it felt fun it's weird because it's like civilians walking by and I'm talking about anal and whatever but it was really fun and there's the cops hung out they stayed they were over there and they were laughing and it was great it felt it felt good to like you

leave and you're like I'm gonna go get an ice cream or something you want to treat yourself because yes something you did something had a little cash in the pocket got a free meal and it felt like man I would I miss it but the crazy thing was I could not remember any bits I was like I have no idea how my bits end isn't that disheartening because that's your your bread and anal I mean that's what you got is your bits and they're gone it's like you can't even dribble as a as a LeBron anymore it's weird but I think I think it comes back you're just a little rusty but it is weird like you're mid-joke and you're like I guess this

joke is over now sorry right I guess so but you look like such a choo-choo up there because you're like all right you know it's worse than ever starting the bit you know yeah it was definitely awkward I ended up doing like my suck it like a man joke from 2003 right right that's like ingrained in you for 30 years that bit is just sitting there it's the only thing you know I know what you mean it's weird when you have that moment you're like I guess I'm telling this joke yes but hey that's the the thing about the stage is you got to figure something out it's do or die out there

exactly but it was pretty fun I think I do more of them but it definitely made me like want to do more shows so we'll see what happened that the southeast is supposed to be a hot spot right now it's opening but there's things I don't know I can't follow that and the news COVID's over right now as far as the news is concerned so I know right that that is gonna be weird when uh because these protests you know it's it's all for a good cause and everything but I see a lot of no mask I see a lot of touching I see a lot of you know contact so

there has to be a spike it's inevitable huge spike yeah and it's weird because you're like hey could we wrap up oh Jesus you scared me Louis just in here like a fucking ghost like three men and a baby I've heard that before well it's like you want to be like can we wrap up this protest so I can find out what's going on with COVID I know the news stopped covering it can't we report two things I don't get it we got 38 crawls six eight people on the screen can we report both yes scroll it up I might be in

trouble here what's going oh all right I got nervous oh okay yeah come on in we got to wrap up anyway here you can't hear him unfortunately because we got this mic going uh huh um sorry yeah I guess we got to wrap up we're over time anyways but uh no no we're at the end of our podcast rope career uh well you got stuff to plug you got shows oh yeah next week I'm gonna be doing the uh Dallas improv so come come by come out and I think we'll squeeze you in don't don't don't feel weird if it's uh sold out I think we can get you in there

so yeah come by we'll have a mask for you it'll be safe and gay and weird and who knows maybe I'm gonna try to get down to Florida and maybe Rochester I want to do some gigs Rochester be nice because you can drive there I'm at side splitters at the end of July I think yeah let's see what happens I mean it could uh you know it could be the AIDS epidemic there by then that's true you never know but oh weird time but we'll figure it out yeah we'll see and uh my special I think is coming soon one place said hey we're gonna have an offer so who knows

oh now we're cooking people are clamoring they want the content yeah we'll see I mean I think what happens is maybe I shouldn't I don't want to fuck up whatever offer but by saying a bit but I think people everyone passes on you and you got 775 million hits and people start to go whoa whoa whoa whoa let's fucking make an offer here I know these fucking idiots I mean how was Sam this shouldn't that be enough and then it's gotta have with me and then yeah so I hope they don't fuck up thrice yeah so we'll see what it is but um so maybe it'll be somewhere I don't

know but uh keep your eyes peeled and your asshole open yes and um and the patreon join the and uh only fans dot com slash Tuesdays check that out that'll be a fun little quiff and yeah get on the patreon get a shirt shirts are still cooking oh and subscribe to my youtube but they call me up and they're like hey this is fucking horrible I had like you know 88 subscribers yeah um so subscribe to my youtube it's just joe listed there's some funny old videos there's some old weird shit that I haven't looked at since 88 so that

that's right and and also you want to subscribe because when the special comes out it'll just alert you so you'll be ready you'll see that puppy hook line and queef right out of the gate um yeah so do that and you can check out my other podcast mindful metal jack and I'm trying to get some traction there there's like 3 000 people that really love it but yeah that's pretty that's pretty low mr you know that one Christmas vacation yeah that's pretty low mr if I had a rubber hose I would beat you um so yeah so check it out it's fun

and it's good and um yeah I don't know go stream our albums and the special go even if you're so we said before even if you're not watching it just put it on in the fucking background on mute so it's it's clicking up yes here here yeah check mine out I can't wait till yours come I kid can you give us a date maybe a ballpark a semen the jew something well if there's not if no one's buying it I'll do it in a couple weeks I'd like to do June okay that's fair that's in one day uh yeah so I mean I guess it's June at the

time of this coming up but sometime in June so the next few weeks I hope I think I just want it to be out yes yes like my son it's like I it's like we had a baby and then we're just it just living in my wife's cunt right like it won't come out there's a foot sticking out everyone knows we had it but we're like no no it lives inside of her you know urethra whatever it's called yeah you gotta yank that out of that clam and get the vulva juice off of it and let it shine exactly so it'll all be out thanks for the uh support and uh for being on the

patreon join the patreon check out only wait what is it again only fans dot com slash tuesdays there'll be more shit on there it's free just sign up it's kind of like our little little spotify rogan thing except for free and no money yeah exactly something like that um all right we'll take care of each other and uh comb your hair take care comb your hair good luck wash your butt yeah and praise Allah and uh yeah what is it break bread need ass yeah exactly all right Georgia's saying cut it up praise anal