Tuesdays with Stories! - #353 Click On/Click Off

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

It's a road filled ep as Mark heads to Dallas to do some good old fashioned stand up while Joe leaves town to shave a dog and ride in a boat. Check it out! Sponsored by: Magic Spoon (magicspoon.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) & Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing the day we are folks were here were queer and the

I need a beer I'm hungover it's been a while I'm back on the road I know it's so crazy what's it like tell me about it take us through it's well a lot to talk about a I don't want to dive right in because it's I'm gonna do a full diet tribe here I think all right well yeah I mean what is that a diet tribe yeah is that a like a Native American thing yeah it's a native of them there are Native Americans that are laying off carbs there it is a diet tribe the whole the whole kitten kaboodle I mean the airport to the to the uber to the hotel it's all

wacky I'm in Dallas it's like they never heard a corona I ate at a restaurant yesterday I wanted today I had breakfast at a restaurant I'm hungover I by the pool it's wild it's so bizarre well I mean it really does feel like with these marches I mean all bets are off come on oh yeah I mean this is outrageous I mean March and the thing it's great and who revolution sure but I mean the lack of any mention of COVID is asinine it's odd is it not I mean I get it it's a good cause and we're supporting and helping people whatever but they could die it's insane that every single second of news coverage for three straight months every

minute not a murder not a rape not a fucking trans bathroom not a law anything now hundred percent COVID and now we have 800,000 people in each city marching arm and arm neck and neck hand-in-hand no masks dance and singing it's and we just no mention we had a mass shooting they were like ah what are you gonna do COVID we gotta worry about COVID it's got the mass shooting in Arizona and but it's all COVID and now with the zero COVID I mean I'm not equating civil rights basic freedoms March sure baseball but hey can I go to a baseball game now because and they keep saying they go like this well because outdoors is very

little transmission outdoors and they should be fine because they're out they're outdoors but I'm like well where was that when the fucking idiots were swimming yes yeah the Ozarks they trashed the Ozarks but it's almost like it's a horror movie plot where the disease of the virus knows if you're doing something progressive or fun if you're having fun you're gonna die if you're doing something for the good of the mankind you're all right no COVID's and liberal it's nice okay I'll show COVID my voting record I'll be I'll be great no problems here but on the I voted sticker you don't even need to wear

a mask it's really absurd I mean like I was at Louis we watch the news for five straight hours clicking between three channels and no not one person was like this could be a trouble now they're talking about a little bit because the the writing and everything is slowed down died down so they're talking about it now but that was the first time I had heard like they'll be fine they're outside and a week earlier we were like look at these fucking people at the beach these fascist lunatic nuts yeah we don't we don't like people having fun I mean even me and the lady would go out on the pier in New York and have beers

and you can see people like eyeballing us they're like look at these fucking spreading the disease the virus these assholes and I'm like you just had you're just mad cuz I got a beard in my hand fuck you I got sunglasses on that's what bothers them I mean to be fair a lot of the people kids have masks on and everything but like I've seen videos where people are just dancing singing and shouting so the droplets the bubbles they go everywhere those bubbles are all over the place they're in your area yeah big bubbles a lot of sneezes a lot of I went to two of the protest I had a mask on and I'm you know me I'll lick a

subway dick but a lot of people weren't wearing them I put mine on happily I was like hey you never know but I think in a week we're gonna get the results we'll see what's what yeah we'll see I don't know I mean the whole things kooky but I was looking up some stats last night and people in our age bracket that have had COVID and died from it 0.2% so that's pretty good it's like milk and they can kiss 2% of my ass and I went to this is what I'm interested in have you had the antibody test I have not I should I should go but I feel pretty good I want to get this test because the other day a chubby sagalow Brendan sagalow he had a

social social distancing outdoor birthday party over here in Astoria Park I went over there and the whole gang of them have the antibodies sagalow had it Mike Feeney had it his wife had it and the last night of existence of real life I was with Feeney and we were holding hands and kissing talking about how we were both sick because he didn't feel good I didn't feel good interesting I was one-on-one with him so to me it's like I either have the antibodies or it doesn't spread so easy because we were fucking in the ass and and I was touching his dick a bunch isn't that funny how that works everything just kind of dissipates

all the rules go away like I've hung out with people where they go hey you know you can come to my apartment but you got to wear gloves you got to wear a mask you got to wear a condom a dental dam a tampon a maxi pad with wings and then 20 minutes into the party every mask comes down every pants goes down we're all on our knees and it's it just happens this is how the world works you go back to normal for sure I mean I went to Louise and I get there and like you know we're both hey yeah you doing this shit yeah now we didn't even elbow we just stood there and stared at each other and then ten minutes later you know

he's watching me jerk off and we're kissing on the lips and we're watching Saturday Night Fever and doing a number right right that's that's the human condition it's all about Pat the least anal and you could get the two most queefiest Karen mom lady in the world and 20 minutes in she'll be eating your ass with a with a spoon yeah so I don't know what's what I think there's gonna be a spike like there has to be I mean if there's not a spike then fucking stick a dick in my ass and call me Susan because what the hell is this yeah I know I know well I've been doing some digging and I heard one nutritionist

health nut guy doctor guys say that everywhere on earth 20% of people get it and 80% don't Sweden here Italy the same people keep getting it and he's like if you haven't gotten it you're probably fine well how does that make sense I mean that's not like it ended 80% haven't gotten it right I mean well I think he's saying they the people who are gonna get it got it basically I mean give or take oh okay I mean that seems crazy so what did COVID just quit huh COVID quit I don't get it it just hit everybody who's gonna get it and then that's it oh well I mean I like that idea that sounds good to me I just don't

know how I mean the whole things topsy-turvy and I think people we should move on I guess because people are annoyed because every podcast is COVID but you're right we went from nine cases to 106,000 people dead in two and a half months yeah how are we gonna go how does that not how do you not go from a hundred thousand to a million that's what I don't understand but yeah I don't get it either I don't nothing about medicine I'm no Dr. Quinn but I think we're gonna be fine I think you and I are gonna be fine probably but well then it's the blood type business I gotta get my blood type I don't know what blood

type I have I know my my feeling towards life is be negative but I don't know if that means my that's an old joke I like it I like it but yeah there's one blood type that if you get it you get aids in your mouth and your teeth fall out like there's a 50% greater chance I think a is the bad type if you're type a or some shit I don't have that bra too but yeah I get it I heard oh is the best oh it's good oh you want to get I got a subscription just in case to the magazine but who knows that's just it's just insane how the the news narrative just completely just went nope it's out forget it and it we already were we're

a little shifty on the news to begin with we were like on the fence and now this just tipped it like all right it's all kooky it's all clicks it's all Jews so who knows yeah I mean I don't want to be an anti-media guy cuz I think it's this it's overblown a little bit but man there's some things that you're like wait what well I feel like you go on Twitter and you're like this is the news you see some old guy getting his head cracked open you see a white chick getting her face kicked in you see the cops shooting rubber bullets and black guys I mean the looting it that's my news yeah I mean that stuff all makes

it to the news but now social media dictates what becomes news something goes viral and the news goes all right let's show this viral thing it's really weird but here's a quick thing and I don't want to turn this into a political podcast and a media podcast that we get we'll get to the dicks and the farts but Trump is I won't even get into it everyone knows how I feel but yeah they do they do favors where I'm watching the news and they can one of the ladies is a newscaster she goes watch which compare these two let's compare Biden's take and and and Trump's take and they play Biden and he's saying okay everybody we got to

get together and love one another and whatever he's you know lifting a song lyric and then it's Trump and he's like we got a fucking kill everybody he's yelling get the military in here but they show it what they played is a phone call of Trump with the governors and Biden giving a speech to followers you can't compare a speech and a phone call that's insane of course of course you got Martin Luther King I have a dream on a phone he's trying to get some gas from a hot activist exactly it's like showing MLK speech and then JFK being like I fucking hate Marilyn Monroe out until she came on my mouth it's just like

insane yeah that's wild wow you see that's what I'm talking about and you're you hate Trump and you still can see that that's fucking bullshit yeah I see the bullshit on all sides that's what's annoying is people try to paint you into a thing and go what the fuck I'm like yeah this is stupid and that is stupid yes yes which I wish more people could do I don't know why the fuck nobody can do that they just they're so blind to the other side that they decide they just can't even accept it they won't even discuss no discuss no yeah and you're in you're a bad person if you want to discuss right you gotta check all the

boxes or you're not on the team it's a whole crazy thing and yeah whatever don't you want me to be on the team why are you pushing a teammate away what a what a weird mentality now it's cookie we need more teams that's the problem we'd like six seven teams yes yes there's no I in it I'd love a team yeah teamwork let's get a team all right but any me any jizz oh I'd love a double team I'm horny my wife went to Houston I've got ten days over here with no human contact and I'm ready to fucking suck a dick or eat an ass I need something well if you go to the protest I'm sure you could pick up a straggler maybe I don't know I'm afraid

of they're gonna think I'm a bad guy I mean I had I borrowed Louis car it's a Porsche and I had to return it to the parking lot in the East Village Soho area yeah East Village West Village Soho area and I had I was so nervous I was gonna drive into a riot and they're gonna be like get the nerd in the Porsche and drag me out and and right fucking you know Republican in the in the first one yeah yeah and I had a oh so good I was gonna say how about these it's summertime now a little bit and these these gals are really showing some some shoulder oh I haven't seen a gal I was in Shelter Island and I'm in Astoria I've seen three

Greek ladies with hairy tits well get down to the village it's a it's a doozy out there it's a it's a flesh market wow maybe I will yeah I don't know I'm walking around I'm looking for something I mean like I gotta we're starting to what do in the only fans dot com slash Tuesdays so I gotta get into some porn I'm like a old man I don't know how to do it yeah bing I remember Big J told me about bing bing is big so I go to bing and I'm just typing in sexy lady has sex you know like I don't know what I'm doing pretty girl sexual that's hilarious intercourse well and I typed something in and my thing was set to safety or

whatever the search yeah you got the kid thing going yes it came up like Disney Junior and like some weird shit I was like what is this oh you got a hot ticket at Topanga I love Topanga I love that Topang she went nude for a while really yeah they're out there it'll probably be in your little you know childproof porn box all right I'll check it out I think she's like probably 41 years old or something now but they got the old ones they they snapped her in the 90s well I like a 40 year old lady okay well you can get best of both anals oh so wait what was I gonna say oh yeah cuz I went to to the protest one was on accident I was

walking home from a gig and I just like got into it and it was a it would you can feel that sexual raw energy because it's a bunch of like 20 somethings the guys got the shirts off the ladies are wearing Daisy Dukes everybody's marching and sweating and their vagged lips are rubbing and quiffing and jizzing and you could feel like oh I want to I'm sure everybody's getting late after this oh well that's what it's all about I mean yes interracial fucking yeah I mean that sound that sounds delightful but I'd be nervous to be in the big crowd I'm still trying to do a little SD a little social distortion here I hear you I

think well I gotta tell you about I gotta well here's another thing so my lady her brother-in-law had a zoom wedding got married on zoom interesting yeah is bizarre I'm not I don't know if I'm into that scene it was very bizarre but they had to do it at a certain time they already planned it it was something something was up but it was it was beautiful it was like touching I didn't have to go to a wedding and I didn't have to buy a gift but you know you saw the whole thing they had a priest there like you know doing the whole do you take this dweeb to be a fucking homo and all that and it was touching but here's the

clinker we go outside to like every after the wedding we're all having hanging outs like we're at the reception and we're on the zoom outside me and the lady and a big homeless lady starts yelling the n-word homeless lady with it like a big blanket under her arm and crazy bird's nest hair and she's like you and words you're ruining everything and you look around there's a couple black guys out there you know and it was in the middle of the day and her mom has to hear this on the zoom wow that's what so wait hold on did you guys dress up did you wear a suit and the thing I put on a collar you know collar shirt okay I

picture you yeah with like a bathing suit and flip flops and then like a suit yeah so did anyone at the wedding go and like mute you guys or anything oh yeah I mean because they're already like these cute Massachusetts suburb people and they they're like my daughter's in New York City the big city the protest the fires COVID and then they hear this fucking bird pigeon lady yapping I mean it all came to fruition that'd be a great home alone to deleted scene the old bird lady just yelling the n-word here's the weird thing she kept yelling the n-word and I was looking at the black guy like oh god because this is right

in the heat of everything this is like you know George Floyd the whole thing and he's just standing there going like hey you know and then she threw in a and the Jews are scum and I was like whoa let's spread it out a little bit yeah I mean she makes a good point about the Jews but I'm kidding sorry I don't know that was fun it was okay who knows but yeah that's wild I mean what a weird time I wonder if she felt that way pre March or if she's just like alright I've had it with all these people marching around me I think she felt it before just with the Jew thing thrown in and then then you had the one cool guy with the

man bun he got he got off a stoop and goes take your hate and get the fuck out of here she was like fuck you faggot he's like fuck you bitch and they're going back and forth oh god it's tense over there man it is strange like I like I said I drove in and dropped off the car and walked around and there's no cabs I couldn't get a cab I was gonna take a cab back to Astoria and it's like this weird time this yellow cab pulls up well finally I found a cab one guy and he pulls up and I say yeah hello and he goes cash only better have cash and I go what do you mean cash only you can't do that's against the rules yeah and he

just looked at me a long time he goes nap cash only wow and so I started walking away and then I turned into a real Karen I was like how about I report you yes and then I'm like oh god if anyone hears me say this I'm gonna go viral they're gonna beat me they're gonna take my dog away but the rules the rule you can't what is this you can't all of a sudden you can't take credit cards I know you take credit card you got a credit card machine and you got to take all comers yeah it's come on my back it's the Wild West people are making their own rules it's martial law well it was like this was on Wednesday evening

and it was like 6 30 and you can see every two blocks there was like a group of 12 cops shooting the shit getting ready for nightfall and it really does it feels like the Wild West and this shit spray-painted and boarded up and there's homeless people walking up the middle of the street and man it is a dystopian out there it is it is we had a curfew is it still curfew yeah I mean it was last night I don't know if there is tonight it keeps my phone keeps fucking yes which I think is insane they text all of us but I know they get that amber anal but so we had an eight o'clock curfew and I forgot about it you know

because you're just living in your life whatever so the wife's whipping up some you know Manchu chicken or some Asian dish whatever Wuhan bat something and you know it's stunk up the apartment she put all the shit in the in a bag I was like let me throw this bag out because this thing stinks so I walked out the front door and I just stepped it was like the sidewalk was lava I forgot about the curfew the whole city's pitch black empty not a peep and I looked to my left as a cop station like a block away from my house there's like 60 cops just standing there waiting and on my foot like almost hit the sidewalk and I

picked it back up but they were like all right and I forgot it was so it was a kind of a movie yeah it's really weird yesterday because I've been going for walks and now I'm back here by myself which is so strange this is like a side note I guess I haven't had this feeling that you got now as well I haven't been home in a place alone in three months right like it's so weird being like and I had this realization I'm like changing the subject we'll swing it back around I had this realization of like oh I think this is a huge source of my depression and anxiety is I'm alone 60% of my life I'm just

sitting in a hotel room by myself especially after that come down of doing a killer show for 200 to 300 people where everyone's like you're great we love you thanks for having us and then you're just sitting there by yourself and then all day that's how I feel right now and I'm like oh this is why I'm miserable I mean I gotta bring an opener I mean I have Sarah a lot of the times but sometimes you don't and it is a lot of fucking lonely downtime it's a lot especially with the pandemic you're just alone in the world you know you got nobody to you can't hang out with your friends and you got to stay

inside and social dist so then without her you're just double alone it's yeah I mean that but that's what it was like before even even with pandem is that you think like I'll go to the bookstore I'll walk around the mall but that's not any connection either you because it just makes you feel more alone you're just walking around looking at people having fun right right I think you try to start something up with the bookkeeper guy and it just gets weird you know you're like hey cold out he's like yeah shit I don't know how to react with people yeah it's tricky so I don't know I might I might make some life changes

here going forward I think I'm gonna quit comedy and you know become a bookmaker yeah well get the special out there and then just start you know Britain Nazi manifestos or whatever you're into but yeah it's it's it's wild I felt the same way like before this shit I was going on the road every weekend and I tried to cool it with the going out with the comics going out with the staff getting blackout drunk and the whole thing and I was getting good at it but then last night I was like I did my shows it felt great I'm gonna go home and it was like somebody snapped their fingers I was four shots in I'm riding a mechanical bull

I'm doling pianos I'm like crowd surfing it was it was it brought me right back cuz I was like I'm not gonna go back to the hotel now look I'm in a fucking bar this place is packed so I mean is the bar pat they 50% capacity mask anything like what's going on there well the Dallas have you been to this club which one Dallas no no okay basically at a strip mall and a directly across from the door is like a honky-tonk dueling piano kind of big big fun loud bar and you just literally walk out and you walk in there it's like one little hallway and it's crazy and it's 50% capacity but this is like a warehouse so it probably

fits 500 people so there's still 250 in there while you know swigging their shirts over the head doing the cowboy dead the line dancing it's wild and is anybody like that I'm not gonna go in there that's too much I wanted to see the show but I gotta beat it haven't seen any of that any mask on anybody even like pulled down under the chin not one there's masks on every table like the club does their part hey we got a mask for everybody we're gonna see you kind of far apart even though they didn't but nobody I did a meet and greet I shook every hand I never purelled I made out with a few guys nothing nobody never

even came up wow shaking hands I would I would not do personally yeah because I know I didn't like shaking hands before so now we got it out I know but I felt so grateful these people showed up and I just I felt like I had to do it I'm talking hugs photos dick checks nut grabs everything all right well careful out there I mean I should because there are cases going up and all the states but I don't know what to believe anymore who knows what the fuck yeah yeah who knows well we'll see when the results come in but I'm hung over now and I just got to tell you about the airport is so wild like I felt so you see we all think we're

rusty as comics but we're also rusty as travelers we're rusty in every aspect of of the road you know I I can't even imagine I have I don't know how to pack I don't know how to do anything I don't want to do it I overpacked I brought a surfboard and a tuxedo my bag is huge I'm here three days I got a huge duffel I got on a way bag I got a FedEx coming it's insane and then I got to the airport like three hours early I woke up at five I took a shower I worked out I took an Uber to Newark Newark has three people there nobody's in line it was incredible the pandemic's the best thing to happen to travel yeah I saw Bob Kelly

was doing his like insta story and he's literally the only person there I mean like there's zero people it's wild it's wild and all like the Hudson news all those little shops are closed so I couldn't steal anything and you get on the plane and they go they now they load from the back to the front zones are out I love that boy this is great I know and then you get in you got your whole row the plane price seeded 200 people it's by 70 on there everybody got their own row everybody's hanging out and they they tell you to keep the mask on but I fell asleep I woke up the mask was on my chin and my dick was out oh wow boy nobody

really cares this is exciting yeah I mean I don't work till I think July Tampa side splitters and I think Chicago and August maybe hopefully but it's interesting so we'll see what happens with everybody certain people I worry about more than others that if they were to get it the aforementioned fellow I'm like boy if he gets I mean what the hell wait his fifties oh right right right right right you know what I mean like I think you'll be fine but I'll be fine probably too but I don't know we'll we'll see what happens with the whole thing it's it's all a big we'll see

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your money no questions asked that's magic spoon dot com slash Tuesdays and use the code Tuesdays for free shipping love you magic spoon thanks for the sponsor hell yeah thank you magic spoon thank you sheath and yeah support the people that support the show and boy I'm just noticing I got like a Zuckerberg hair cut going on here as it grows back in I feel like suck it feels like it's growing slow did you uh you re-nip that thing no I feel like it's growing a little slow too it's been a couple months here no nip all right it's a little chunky and flunky you'd think this I was talking to Louie about this

because he had to cut his dog's hair he's got a big old beautiful half poodle half golden retriever it's a hell of a dog so we were there and I was like holding that dog down he was shaving it with the clippers I mean I wasn't holding it down but I was petting it and it just goes to show you how much these experts you'd miss them you love them you're grateful for all these people that have like skilled professionals yes yes we did it you just go how hard can it be so we shave in the dog I mean we finish the dog looks like a train wreck it looks like a cartoon dog that got in a dust up with

another dog oh really got patches missing you got fur everywhere scars blood well one but he went down to like the meat it was like dog meat it was like black like just a weird dog skull you can see and his eyebrows look like Martin Scorsese's and they're uneven and he's got furry footprint his tails all backwards and his left shoes on the right foot and the whole thing I mean it's wacky looking it's like a dr. Seuss character you know it looked insane it's like a different dog and you could tell you could feel the dog sadness after you could feel the dog being like I'm stupid and we were talking

about it you're like he was making me laugh because he's like if I dropped my dog off at a groomer and got it back like this I would sue them for all the money they had like you would be like I'm taking you to court right and what's crazy is that probably costs like 40 bucks 50 bucks oh yeah like a haircut is like $18 here at the my barber shop anyways I mean I know Manhattan it's like 400 bucks for haircut and ladies you have to sell your house for a haircut but totally I pay 18 bucks for a haircut maybe it's 16 the people in the middle of country are shitting their pants right now at these prices but I know and it

just looks great but I had Sarah just shave I'm like just shave it clean that way at all just grows but I mean it's lumps and dips and chunks and it's gray now but you're right it makes your respect cuz I walked past a mutt cut and I go look at these fucking idiots so they're trying to beat the system they're trying to have it that's not a real job a mutt cut get out of here but then you hear about this you're like oh maybe it's legit now you need them all these skills you really find out what you need in life you try to paint your own toenails you try to clip your own dick hole and it's just it comes out all

wacky yeah you know I I just watched that speaking a dick hole and wacky I just watched this I think it's called spellbound have you heard of this the film it's a documentary about Indian kids kicking ass and spelling bees oh I have not seen it I keep seeing it on Netflix or one of those things it's pretty good and you know you're always like why Indian kids kill it everywhere Indian people are smart they got doctors they got accounts they're like they're like brown Jews kind of you know you're like everything they do is is nailing it like Sammy Davis is Indian yeah they're so smart and I'm like why are they also

you never really meet a dumb Indian and it's it because in 1960 whatever they made some law that you're allowed to immigrate here if you have a skill so they only let the smart people in who knew how to do shit like coding or math or you know whatever toss and salad and that's why they're all in here they're all smart interesting yeah fun stuff that was a good duck it's kind of like Schindler's list you had to prove that you were a skilled laborer right not get whacked yeah and then if you're born here you're allowed to be a piece of garbage and because you're already in right well that's the thing with like all

of our great inventors and our great what do you call the American entrepreneurs stuff most of them came from Germany and Austria and stuff I know immigrant baby the pure-blooded born here Americans are garbage well we take it for granted we're like yeah land of the free blow me where's my check where's my McDonald's you know Popeye's talk to me where's my porn hub but if you come here you got to prove it yeah that's interesting well good for the good for the Indians I mean I don't know how that makes kids good at spelling though well they got the smart parents who beat their children until they get

the the word sarcophony right that's their that's their skill they good child beaters yeah yeah but hey that's we're nothing to sneeze at you know we got the Henry Ford's anti-Semite we got the Steve Jobs is we got we got some hot numbers here a couple people we got a few yeah we're doing all right Edison he stole stuff yeah I think that those guys were all from other play von Braun weren't they all from somewhere yeah yeah I think Tesla he didn't look like a like a Bob Joe or Harry I don't know if these people came up in the American public school system yeah good point good point Obama did yeah

that's something I thought he lived in Kenya for about 35 years well I got to see the birth certificate um whoo anyways so I want to get I want to hear about the shows can we talk about the shows you got I didn't want to gush too much but yeah you got it fatty this is so much to talk about first of all we're so out to lunch on just reality in the world just living in that New York bubble right when I got in the hotel I felt rejuvenated because you're you're like going back in that old rhythm I'm doing the road every weekend unpacking looking at your notes writing knowing about okay five hours of the show four

hours three hour okay show's coming what am I gonna open with do I do some jokes on the city and you're already in it your brain just clicks back on and you forget the beauty of it you forget about COVID the riots all this shit you forgot about it for a second because you're doing something again you have a purpose right you know and you know I show up to the club early you meet everybody I do a manager hey who's your waiter how you do where's the green room the whole thing and you just you're back in it and I was terrified I'm talking about Paul Varghese is one of the is the feature oh I like that guy great guy

killer comic by the way and so I it's already nice knowing a dude we're in the green room we're talking comedy again you know you go to the mini fridge you have a water it's all right back where we left it baby and you know the lights go down to hear that everybody welcome to the innocent improv thanks for coming out like oh shit this is it it's happening again and you know the host goes up he's fucking around Paul kills it and the the interesting thing was I was terrified I was shaking like a leaf and I noticed that talking about everything was doing the best people want to laugh at how the world is they want to feel

that like all right yeah we can joke about this this this is all fucking horrible it's sad the imagery is bananas but it was cathartic to just you know I'd go into like a joke about Uber and they're like yeah that's fun but then when you talk about fucking COVID and all that shit it was that was really where you connect in you're like comedy is important I forget comedy is necessary it's essential goddammit certainly well they need the release and also you know the basic principle of comedy you need everyone to be on board to agree and be like oh yeah that that not necessarily agree but they've experienced what you're

talking about I mean those are the best jokes of like that's so true so talking about COVID everybody is living that right you're talking about fucking a fat chick you know only depressed people have experienced that whereas they're like how crazy is this COVID like everybody's been through it for three months it's a good point yeah because we're very splintered now everybody watches their own show they got their own podcast they got their own job that's weird and specific but COVID it and and the riots and the the whole thing is all it's it's it's like the Beatles going on at Sullivan we're all on board yes I

always talk about with with comedy and like the audience all getting it and maybe I've said this before but Jeff Ross used to do the joke where he's like I'm gonna read a poem can we dim the lights and then the lights don't change of course and he says perfect and it would just kill cuz it's like a hundred percent of people experience that he asked the lights to be off they didn't turn off he said perfect but it's like I just think of like it's such a simple joke yes but every single person gets it right we just experienced that that's a great point us I also love a one-word punchline that's a that's a beauty

always always fun but yeah that's a great that's a great way to put it and I'll tell you know you're shaky up there but you go eventually you're like 20 minutes in you notice oh I'm loose I'm normal I'm not it's not just bunch of eyes on me it's I'm doing stand-up again I'm a pro I have a voice I have a rhythm I have my own style whatever the hell it is and they could feel it you could feel it and the world just fluffed off all the sad shit fluffed off and that's why I get and I don't want to get too cunty here but a lot of the preachy bullshit comedy I know that you're trying to save the world but it's not what's good for the

people the people want to to laugh it up and yuck it up about the sadness you know what I'm saying like the the preachy hey we got to help everybody and all that I get it it's a good message but it's not comedy these people want to laugh at dark shit and feel better and you just preaching isn't helping anybody yeah 100% you're giving a speech it's like a politician it's ridiculous go put that shit on a soapbox in the Union Square you know but that's why you got to be silly you got to be funny and I don't know it bones me out that people get offended or want to take that away because it's that's the important shit

ironically that's why men hunt and women nest no I completely agree I mean I can't stand that shit and that's why most of the people aren't on the road they're writing for shows that are usually not great yeah yeah but even that's that a noise because I'm like well why are you writing on it even though it's a shit sitcom it bums me out you get to be in this comedy world when you're not even doing comedy a shit come yes but so last night so you got you'd went Thursday was it one Thursday to Friday to Saturday like that kind of deal no I fucked up I showed up on Friday and I was like are we got one show Friday to

Saturday one Sunday so Friday show comes and goes I was like that was great well man that crowd was hot one show a night is always the best feeling I go back in the groom I order some ice cream and the guys like are we're gonna let's start letting people in like what do you mean he's like there's two shows tonight I was like what I had no idea so I'd like click I was in done mode I didn't click back into like oh shit what am I gonna talk about now am I gonna do the same set and it it threw me for a loop I almost left and went and get a bunch of shots and you know made out with a trans person but luckily he came in I hate a

click-off click on nothing worse than a click-off click on it's the toughest move in the business you you're out my feet are up my socks are off I'm jerking it and then he just said hey you got to tighten up that tie fatty and get back out there it's amazing how much any obligation is affects you mentally I know I know it's so true and I will say this I forgot how much work stand-up is like you get off and like whoo that was an hour of me shucking and jiving and you're sweating a little bit and your your your assholes gaping but it's work yeah oh no question about it because and we've talked about this before it's

like you're so hyper aware the whole time because you have to be listening and you have to have that the whole time your brain is going okay what's the next joke yes the next bit if I do this have I done this already and it's quite a magic act that we're talking being in the moment responding to the audience and things going on while also monitoring that guy's a little drunk over there I can be a churpin these ladies are talking over there that guy's dumb this guy wants to heckle right I haven't done that bit I can't think of how this bit ends it really is and then the meet and greet my god the meet great wow that'll

take it out of you but it really is stressful and then right when you come down the next show is almost starting and sometimes you're in the green room with a couple of fucking douches that don't make any sense to you yeah talking about whatever the fuck I mean Paul seems like a first-class guy yeah good egg good good good comic but yeah you're so right that meet and greet and you get that meet greet right when you come off stage so it's like you ran a marathon now go talk to people right yeah it ain't easy I wouldn't trade it for the world I mean it felt so good it felt like we belong they're like oh this is

what I'm supposed to do and I I'll send you a photo I just have a photo of the host on stage the full crowd lights on him they're dark it's like it's like you're back at church baby it's great I know I feel like I'm gonna cry when they bring me up when they're like tonight it's Joe like I feel like I'll start sobbing like a little girl yeah yeah and I'll tell you I tried to play it cool at first like hey I'm a comic where we're doing we're doing a show but once I completely leveled with the crowd like I'm nervous I'm rusty you're gay like it was so much better it was a conversation instead of just like a show

performance did you listen to a few sets because I did one 15 minute set and I could I at eight minutes I was like I'm out I got nothing I listen to like eight sets I listen on the plane I listen when I got here I did it in my hotel room and in a hairbrush with naked like eight times I was I mean the fear motivates you so much because you're you're gonna humiliate you humiliate yourself out there and they're paying customers and the club is nice enough to have you well that's what's so strange and like hard about it is before we were doing neighbors are right outside before we were so doing so many shows every night

every week I would go on stage headline for 50 minutes without even looking at a single note just being like and then you just go yeah but now it's like I I mean I can't even remember 10 minutes of material but I think it comes back quick I don't know I've never taken this long of a break in my life yeah say I mean what were we 85 days out something like that something like that March 10th was my last set and before that I think nine days is the longest I've gone maybe 10 on a vacation so it's wild it's wild but they're rusty too and how about this late show Friday I forgot we had two shows shitface the whole crowd is shit

faced I forgot it was like what not only we write back in the standout we're right back into hell gig too like nothing changed and I got heckled out of the gate there's one guy had the bucket of beers in front of him he's like I did a joke he goes that was good what else and his girlfriend's going shut up Ricky shut up and I'm like I listen to your fucking fat girlfriend you chuch and I'm going off on this guy and you don't miss a beat it's the same shit there's still the bad guy there's still the fan who's up in the front going you know everything's there it's all there wow it's exciting it makes me want to go back and work but

I got nothing for a few weeks still and I'm interested to see what shakes down with everybody opening and all the business so we'll see do yourself a hot favor and watch a set listen to a guy like do listen to one ten minutes seller set a day just like flip through your phone and go that's a good audio track I'll try that and just oh yeah you find all these old jokes and little things you forgot about that you never wrote down so thank god we recorded no no question about it I got to I mean like that was my big regret of this you know parking lot show I did as I should have listened because like I said you

have that confidence that you had from three months ago we're like I'll just go up and wing it and I'm like I can't remember anything so oh yeah I gotta tell you a little bit about being out at Louie's place please yeah I want to hear about fucking that was fun so I go out there and we'll bleep that out I want to hear about Westchester I go up to Westchester there if you know how all the celebrities of houses in Westchester share the beautiful beaches yeah we're up in Yorkville and is that that's not a town Yorkville's in Manhattan yonkers yonkers I was thinking of like above Hartstale that's a place all right

Hartford Kevin oh shit I just spilled tea all over my bed like an asshole that's tea so I go up there and you know it's it's a little strange because it's just the two of us in a house it's a big house sure and it's weird because I'm like when's the last time you just shared a place with a dude right right yeah that's cookie I mean I haven't done that since you know Tom Dustin and I went to Key West in 1978 I mean like it's been a minute since I was sharing a home with a man yeah so it's a little nerve-wracking because it's his house and you're like what time am I gonna wake up what times he gonna wake up all right

and there's something very weird about saying good night to a man like you know what I mean like he's got bare feet and I got my socks on cuz I got toe cheese and I'm like all right all right good night and like we're across the hall we got a blowout candles and yeah it's so strange very intimate I know exactly you mean and then you share a sleeping bag you tell a ghost story it's it's kooky he got a milkshake with two straws I get it and you did a pod app from there and I can hear it Louie in the other room going hey tell Marcus it hi I'm just like oh geez it was it was so foreign hearing like a stranger in a house I

know he's just in there I didn't even see him it was like the ghost and three men and a baby and I look over and there's just a spirit with a goatee looking at me yeah and I'm used to control to like I'm usually on the road I got the remote here Sarah's on tiktok so she's like put on whatever I don't care right and this guy with the room he's a tyrant with the remote oh I could see that we're watching 10 minutes of from here to eternity then that skips over to Shane we watch Shane for a minute then we're watching he's a skipper yeah it's 10 minutes of and every movies from 1936 it's oh it's a bow guard and you know

Jimmy Cagney and and it's a lot of you gotta see this and we get it I'm start watching it and we change to something else but we watched Saturday Night Fever which is one of the great movies of all time but great movie great movie but fun to see Brooklyn too back in the day oh yeah I mean I love the movie but man there's some wild rape in that movie you forget is there conservative rape I don't know I mean you really you forget that there's just a gang rape happening in a vehicle but anyways we had a good time with that with watching the movie I mean and he you and him are great at a zing in the film like what's up with that

doesn't make sense that's stupid I hate that shot she's fat and I was I was next to you guys once we were zinging I think it was Suicide Squad we watched and it was so bad that we loved it and you guys were whipping and wapping and I wanted to be a part of it I had the worst line ever and everybody went I couldn't get aligning because you guys were had so many great zingers and I you guys have been on the road for a while it was my first time with him so I was like oh shit I'm still nervous and we were watching something the cop had bad hair and I go and look at her hair and everybody's like that's it look at her

hair I blew it I stared at those ceiling all night oh that was in DC in that fucking palace yeah God that was oh you know it's crazy about that that's where everything's happening that's the hey Adams Hotel oh yeah that's where that's where Trump fucking shot the bullets and held the Bible like a piece of shit is that right that's right there we spoke ours right there wow look at I shared that we didn't share we shared a conversation and had a cigar right where that fucking meatball is standing holding the Bible like it's a retarded child that he doesn't want right yeah wow I didn't know that hey Adams yeah

sorry my my computer is on my dick and I'm getting sweaty that's why I just really shaky if you're watching the video you got a boner and it went a little cocky there cock but anyway so so Louis you know Louis he gets wild hairs up his ass and he decided he wants to sail so he got a sailboat he bought like a nice big sailboat but that's not coming yet to his house so he got a little sailboat to like practice on I don't know if you've ever sailed I've dabbled it is an unpleasant activity don't believe what you read and you hear you know they everyone's like sailing this and Rod Stewart has a song and

everybody's a sailor and it seems great but the actual act of physically sailing is a goddamn nightmare it seems like a lot of maintenance just like the bow twisted pull the levy pull the start word bound all this I don't know what the hell they're talking about there's a there's a big fucking rod swinging by you got a duck and then you got to pull this shit and all that it seems like hell the boom the boom that's the boom now as you may or may not know I lived on a boat the the the mystic whaler for two weeks it was like an environmental bullshit we taught kids how to you know fuck without polluting and two weeks

and two weeks and it was a huge ship and the boom was like four feet wide across it was like a lot and it would swing I mean that thing could kill you yeah so the only would this sailboat he has is a little one and again but the boom is like low so it's swinging you got to like duck you got to be on the bed of the sailboat and then there's a jib but the jib is going crazy and I'm trying to work the jib and he's trying to control the thing and sailing just sucks so we go out and we're like we'll just figured out he's had one lesson I did a little couple lessons before but we go out and the engine is just crapping out

there's no engine because you could take the engine to like a bigger space where you can sail engine shits the bed immediately there's no wind we're just sitting there like two assholes wow so we finally get the engine running he calls the guy he's like he got a choke the thing and boobly boo he gets the engine running for like a second we get back to the dock I'm like let me go get an oar I was like take me back I'll get an oar so we have it on board yes at least which you should have had already on board I get out shits creek exactly so I go I grab the ore throw it back in the boat we jump back on we take the engine out

about 300 yards and the engine shits the bed again did you have a thought when you were back on land like I shouldn't go back out there I'm already here why am I going back on this death trap sail jizz well once I have the ore I'm not too nervous I mean I'm a strong swimmer we got the or the only thing I'm worried about is and I before I was aware because we're in like an it's like an inlet in the water so it's like we're out in the middle of the Atlantic here but I was already doing the math I'm like I'll swim to there walk up and get to the house and blah blah blah we go back out engine dies again and we got the sails up

there's barely any wind and it's just taking us we're just listing no pun intended right at his neighbor's yacht oh yeah like $800,000 boat and we're going straight for it we're working the jib the sail the whole thing there's no engine and so I'm just like I gotta go catch the boat so I crawl up to the bow and I just put my hands out I have to catch it and just two hands on this perfectly beautiful glass boat and I'm just like walking it so we're not slamming thing and just gotta like do a full push off the thing and we start to go this way we go hey wire and I take the paddle and I'm paddling the goddamn thing

around in a circle and we start drifting back there again finally he gets the engine to work just long enough to kind of spray us away wow and I just paddled us all the way back and we're like whoo that was brutal that sounds like hell but maybe a bonding experience like a couple of cup scouts out there it was bonding we were laughing we had a good time so then he had his engine guy come back work on the engine and he goes all right I fixed the engine should be no problem so it's the next day we go all right we're gonna sit today we're sailing today we're gonna do it we watch a YouTube video we go out there and now we

get to this opened up area and it's windy as fuck we get the sail up and just whoo it just takes us and what do you call it keeling you know when it's like it's the boat is keeling that's when you see a sailboat that turns completely on its side when it's like turning like this yes kegel exercises oh yeah I've seen that so we do that but that's fine if you know what to do you move your jib you swing your boom you stick your ass in the water and it evens up but we couldn't figure it out I mean we almost went in I had to shift all my weight to the other side to keep us from going on then it levels out wind hits again we turn the

other way just completely scoop up the other way I took my shoes off cuz I was like I'm gonna go in this one I'm gonna fall in the fucking water holy hell so he's like fuck this fuck this he rips the sail down we had to pull the sail down and just turn the engine on and then just quietly just zip back to the dock and be like fuck this I mean we laughed our asses off but we're like we must look like two assholes it's all these rich you know millionaires just watching these two meatballs both with Red Sox hats on by the way almost drowned and here's the the problem the issue he's got like a a fifty thousand dollar fifty foot sailboat

on its way to the house oh god he's fucked he's gonna cut right through a yacht he hates sailing sailing sucks I was like I'm like I don't want to be negative but like sailing is the worst but maybe when you get it down it's a beautiful thing you got you're using the power of earth to propel you I mean there's something nice about that I mean that's amazing and when I was on this mystic whale which is like a 60 or 70 foot boat like it sleeps 12 people maybe it's 150 I don't know how big the boat is I'll have to look it up but it's a huge boat we're like 15 people sleep on it but when that boat is on sale they

say it's spectacular you're just cruising and you're like this whatever 800 pound two ton boat I don't know what things weigh you're like this is incredible that we're just moving with wind in our sails the whole thing but it's fucking work like to say there's never a point where you're just like ah right nice where we took his speedboat out and we're just whipping around and waking wakes and we we we stopped we dropped anchor and we swam the water was free as I was saying I'm like I'm not going to summer without getting the ocean so yes we anchored up and swam and it was beautiful and refreshing and nice so that was great

but yeah he's got a big old sailboat coming in and we got to figure out how to sail I'm so blown away because you see every nautica commercial they got a champagne bottle out there they're sipping wine there for their fucking trannies they got you know big pimpin spending G's on these sailboats sounds like it's it's work it's work it's brutal and what blows my mind is how the pilgrims and the pirates and all the shit they came across the Atlantic it's a good point sailboat I mean how I say does that they lived on those things for years I mean of Columbus and Magellan and Caperne crazy unbelievable so great

time I think I'm gonna go back out there next week and it was delightful I got some other stories but we got a wrap up here but yeah it was something else but great great trip and it's beautiful out there and nice cool swim and some fun boating and again you probably forget a little bit about the world I mean you put the news back on here you're right back in it but when you're on that sailboat you know pushing off a yacht I feel like you're probably in a good space oh forget it I mean there's no COVID there people I mean like it there's it's a small town I'll just say and there's like 60 people there they're all

worth 800 million dollars and I felt bad it's like revolution in the streets and COVID and bombs and riots and I'm like I got my feet up next to a fireplace with you know I'm eating duck this is pretty good wow man I like that's exciting you going back out to it's like a routine yeah it's pretty nice so but any jizz we got we got to wrap this thing up here yeah let's do it are you got anything what do you want to plug those dates are those gonna happen yeah I guess I don't know I hope side splitters Tampa they keep promoting it it's the last weekend in July I think July 30 31 in August 1st something like that size Tampa and

Zaini's in Chicago I think is the second week of August I don't know what's going on there in Chicago but we'll see and tentatively the Uncle Dale firehouse benefit happens the day after Thanksgiving the Friday the 28th I think that is so they're all tentative but we'll see and the special I don't know I gotta call my manager after this hopefully it'll be out soon subscribe to my YouTube if you can Joe list on YouTube go subscribe I got a really small amount of subscribers so you can go do that that'll be fun and we'll see and you got your other pod yeah mindful metal jacket you can check that out if you

want and yeah I just picked up a new date Greenville North Carolina I think it's a comedy zone that's in two weeks so the money shit that's a tough room but uh I gotta get my act worked out here so I'll be at Greenville North Carolina comedy zone and check out my special out to lunch and I hope my other dates still stand though they're all on my website all right and the Patriot the Patriots kicking ass we're about to do a bonus queef right now and check out only fans dot com slash Tuesdays you got that right porn all porn talk over there yeah baby good stuff let's watch some porn I'll see you in hell and

praise Allah kickass yeah music