Tuesdays with Stories! - #354 Spooky Bust

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

We've got a hell of an ep this week as Joe has a ruff time dog sitting while Mark gets existential before riding some mopeds around the city. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & OnlyFans (onlyfans.com/tuesdays for free weekly videos from Mark & Joe) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing my baby yo is spitting at me hey everybody welcome to Tuesdays with stories I'm Joe list and mark here yeah that's runs with ladies of Norman got the runs right now do

you a little bit I had I had too much to drink this weekend and that gives me the runs well that could be covered dog oh well I'm nervous I gotta tell you there fatty the the numbers are in Texas is up Florida's up it's all places I'm going I mean it's what I've said it a million times I don't want to get into it too beefy too creepy but I'll just say it one last time maybe a few more times we went from nine cases not that's cases we had nine cases that's what I drank as we get a hundred and ten thousand deaths in three months while quarantining and now we're opening I mean come on I know we got a lot of fucking conservative nitwits

watching but you gotta go hey that seems a little suspect little yeah you'll you yeah yeah and it just sucks because that you make a good point but it sucks because our business aside from pods is entertaining a room packed to the gills with human beings we're breathing and she and laughing hopefully yeah and those bubbles yeah bubbles bubbles are everywhere we're living in a bubble but yeah it's a problem but I'm in Houston this weekend so come on see me I'm I'm gonna get crucified here but I protested too so I'm gonna try to you know blend them together somehow I mean well the protest there's hundreds of thousands

of people in the street and we already said this too but the media it's so insane that the dog all not just the media all the doctors agreed we got a quarantine and stay away and if you sneeze you're gonna die you're gonna shit blood and then we had the largest protest in the history of America and the doctors are like oh they'll be fine yeah they're outside well I don't I don't know what's going on that goes to how scared we are to say anything real or honest or I don't know somewhat factual because if you if you go factual now it's the great Joe List the quote of the year and you made it two years ago reason is

edgy there's your next shirt yes reason of reason about ability or pragmatism is that's out Prague is out people hate Prague Prague is bad if you if whatever side and I people keep painting me in corners over here a lot of painting I hate the corner paint and but yeah it's cookie and certainly we're gonna have a ton of deaths but I do also think the economy's fucked we got to get back to work people are killing themselves people I mean I'm going mentally cuckoo over here yeah and I've been traveling I'm at my friend's house I'm hiking I'm walking I'm running I'm out and about I'm meeting up with friends but I'm still cuckoo

and you know the financial stuff so we got to open but I just think we like a shitload of people are gonna die and I guess we're just gonna have to that's that's what's gonna happen next it looks like it I mean I think it's in a way this is evolutionary because it almost feels like it's weeding out the fats and the smokers and you know my lady at a good point she was like hopefully at the end of all this if there is an end we will push health because obesity is getting killed you know diabetes is getting killed like old people are getting killed like you know maybe do some exercise and eat right don't be so

susceptible to a virus yes I agree this is what Bill Mars been talking about who I love but I can get shot just for saying you like the guy I know people hate him but he had a doctor he had a doctor on who said that only I think 12% of Americans are metabolically healthy like yeah I'm like there's no way I'm in that group I'm eating cupcakes I'm sticking the spaghetti up my ass I'm eating french fries my tits are getting big but yeah you do a little exercise I mean just walk into the train and a back from the train is and you go up the stair that's more after you're taking the train now we know what I mean that's

more than most people exercise in a week and you know Columbus Ohio and don't get me started on Columbus people hate that guy yeah well he's a bad guy honest yeah that guy's a real scumbag but I'm grateful glad he sailed over here yeah you know there's good and bad I mean the guy's a crazy savage who's skinned people who wore them as hats but also you know discovered America that's pretty good it's a weird thing that's a sholt set a great video about the whole thing about how like all we do is talk all day about injustice and how we got to be right and everybody's a piece of shit and if they are a piece of shit we

got to ruin their lives but like you are using that iPhone you are wearing that Nike like you're giving in as well we're all part of this big jigsaw puzzle of jizz oh certainly I mean some of these some of these celebrities I'm like they're like income inequality I'm like well you could give away some of your money yeah but they put another video oh boy yeah I didn't see I just saw the million tweets but I can't watch it I'm doing a pretty good job of avoiding the social media is for the most part yes yes it's key man I got drunk all week and I went to the beach I went gay and I I feel reborn I had a meltdown on Friday I'll tell you

about it later all right yeah I feel I feel born again Christian because I've been in the ocean and you know me I love the ocean it heals but heels I gotta you gotta get in that ocean so I've been out in the end of Long Island there and really swimming it up I had the stand-up paddle board and that's just fine because you're standing on the ocean you're using your ass muscles yes yes kegel and you swim upstream and then you float all the way back at Sarah and I just on those surfboards sitting next to each other laying down and the sun hitting you the vitamin D shooting up your asshole and just drifting down the

river and it feels good you gotta put it all away sometimes and I know that's from a place of privilege and yada yada but you turn the phone off you turn the news off and just chill out even if you don't have an ocean access you're just sitting in your bed beating it off beating it off it's pretty good you got you gotta uncharge or unhinge or recharge whatever the fuck you gotta do something Charles in charge yeah charge card I'm with you there wow you haven't heard that in a while charge card man that was the clunk yes San Diego Chargers I remember working at FYE which was formerly

record town for your entertainment it stood for and once a while the system would go down it would have to use one of those yes and then there was also the one that pressed down like an iron and like a handle oh yeah I forgot about that yeah that was fun I wonder if the Amish are still doing the chunk chunk I don't that might be too advanced for them they might have to they don't even have credit cards I don't think I think they do because Amish are killing it by the way they sell groceries they sell like wood and butter and jizz and all kinds of cows and their daughters and I think after a while cash is being so obsolete

I think after a while you go hey hey Jedediah you you got to take this visa or it's no you should have a look you know so I think after a while that's a compromise clunk clunk right so they sell jizz you're saying because I've been using my own jizz to eat and make cookies well hey whatever Antwan's is teaching you I don't know but the Amish they got the bull jizz and people want bull jizz because you want to make a cow at home bull jizz what yeah both semen bull semen because it's good to make it you can put it in your cow so you take you buy a bowl see what did they put it in a dish a cup what are we talking I

think you put it in that like a turkey baster and then you put that right up the the cooter of Mildred the the mookow and you squeeze it and it it inseminates let me ask you this because I was a dog sitting this past week and I mean picture me as a dog sitter forget about it but oh god the dog is a golden doodle which is half golden retriever and half whatever the fuck Yankee doodle what it's called a poodle it's a poodle half poodle half golden retriever and so evidently poodles are like one of the smartest dogs they're just smart as a whip but golden retrievers are the dumbest dog so it's like smart dumb interesting yes I like

that stuff it's a cool dog but it's a rich people dog but she's a beauty and just sweetest pie and she's been trained professionally the whole thing and so I'm hanging out with I really fell in love with this thing I'm rubbing her nipples and scratching her head and you know we're making out and how about that yeah the whole thing but I started to wonder because this dog love me I mean it would run up in the morning and sniff my feet and you know and I was thinking I wonder if I could now I'm not gonna do this but I wonder if I could fuck this dog I'm sure you good I mean is it a lady or a dude it's a lady I mean I don't mean

physically I think she might be kind of into it oh yeah yeah well you know you put the tip in and it won't get pregnant I'm sure it's been neutered or spayed or clipped or snipped so I think you're fine and you jizzing that you jizz on her and they will go right in the poodle hair well here's the thing it's not socially acceptable and it's going to be it would be damn near impossible to get consent so I'm not gonna do it because it feels a little illegal and multiple levels but yeah it that I'm just curious if the dog is so sweet if I just laid her on her back pet her for a while spit on her cooch and got in there

wouldn't she be receptive yeah well you got to think you know you don't get laid for five days you kind of get a little Jonesy you kind of get a little pent up and this dog's probably never been laid in its life so I'm sure it's thinking about it yeah it's thinking about it and I'm a nice creature I'm feeding her I'm petting her yeah and then I just like just a missionary you know to kind of rest my balls in the tail so it doesn't flip up and then hold those hind legs and yeah comes of it I like it I'm on board I yeah yeah you do you give her a treat after I guess I think I think the sex is a treat but I could give her another

treat I mean I don't know well in a way because when you when you put it that way the dogs kind of a gold digger it's kind of taking advantage of you but you're feeding it you're housing it you know you're petting it you're giving it warmth and entertainment and yet you're getting no sex yeah it's weird and then I don't understand dog I've never been a dog I am like does she I know they sniff they have a good smell and they can hear things yeah but I think their vision don't you wish you could take a pill or whatever for five minutes hear smell and see like a dog wouldn't that be interesting just to kind of get in their

heads yeah what I know they're colorblind they don't see colors are they're very progressive but I think that they said the smell is ten thousand times ours so they can smell a snatch from you know Jersey and they think of course the hearing is great so yeah I think that would be amazing but you'd also be like yeah this is brutal cuz you know you're living Queens you smell a bunch of Greeks true well so here's the thing I was thinking about cuz I was playing fetch and this dog will play fetch twice it'll go get a stick bring it back and then maybe a second time but after that she moves on perfect fetch

amount but she's also she's kind of a dumb dumb so I'll throw the stick she looks away she loses sight of it but then we'll sniff and sniff and sniff and find it and I was wondering I'm like is she smelling my hand on the stick is that how she does that interesting or does she know what the stick smells like it's confusing I think the stick just he's not cuz it the ten thousand times I thought maybe my finger smells are just a just a nibble was on the stick it could happen it could happen that's why they I mean the dog can smell cancer really oh yeah like a cancer sniffing dog Nate Pregazzi used to have a great

joke about it's like it's kind of awkward after the dogs like sniffing you and the doctors like you have cancer good boy good boy you know oh yeah but yeah they can they can sniff man they're on another level yeah it was fun so so I had a bit of an incident though with the dog sitting this is quite a dog tail here so that we go there and you know the owner is out of town and we got the dog to ourselves and where this is excited cuz it's Sarah and I so it's like we're parents we're taking it for a spin to see if we could you know fuck a baby but we feed the dog and everything now the dog comes up sorry were you nervous sorry

where you know I mean were you like were you against the idea would you hate it did you push back or are you just you accepted it what happened there well I'm not too nervous because I had just been there a week earlier with the owner and it's Louie I don't know why I'm acting like it's not whatever so I'm there dog to big dog so I'm there the week earlier and I know the dog for years so and she knows me and she likes me and she's pretty low maintenance cuz she's like a trained expense like a rich people dog so yeah it's not a lot of whatever she's not gonna bite me and then she has freedom in the backyard it's a big

backyard and she doesn't go anywhere so you could just let her be so it's pretty low maintenance I wasn't too worried but you're always a little worried that this thing's gonna fucking die while you're responsible of course so night one no incident the only instruction was feeder breakfast lunch and dinner and then you got to cover her dog door she's got a little doggy door so you got to cover that at night so she's not out and about gallivanting and you got to let her pee right before bed ah I had that when I was a kid so she's we did some some trivia which was fun with a few comics and that was delightful and she

had been out the whole time so was time for bed she had just been outside so I'm like I don't need to let her out she just came back in five seconds ago so I closed the doggy door we say good night fuck you we go to bed and about 20 minutes into sleep you hear the whimper the whimper outside the door so go well and so Sarah wakes me up I'm I'm conked I'm out she wakes me up she's like the dog is crying I go I'll let her in because I was told that maybe she might want to sleep in our room sorry this is a long tail I'll get to the punches wagon let her in I let the dog in she's still whining crying next to the bed and now

at this point I'm half asleep I took a Tylenol PM I'm out yeah but the dog is just standing there crying so I pet her and finally I go all right she must need to go out again I'll let her out now it's 2 30 in the morning this house is out in the middle of the woods it's a huge house like nine bedroom three floor creepy old built in 1900 so it's spooky I got my flashlight on the phone I'm in my pajamas and like the flashlight you're using the flashlight and you look over there and like your reflections in the mirror I'm like oh Jesus yeah the teeth then there's like you know he's like an artist so there's what do you

call that with clay when you make like a guy sculpting yeah like little sculptures a bust a bust it's like a spooky bust so I put the flashlight on a spooky bust I go oh Jesus is your title and then I'm like looking over here and there's like a there's a Grammy Award oh gee it's just crazy looking in this old haunted house and you're like this is fucked up so I let the dog back outside and then she just disappears because it's like the woods and it's dark pitch black woods with one spotlight which is creepy lighting you know that lighting bad lighting just the one light and you think everything of those

eyes is that and it's a brawl and you know we're city boys I'm a city guy I like the city I like there's two people right above me I like two people right out there there's people everywhere yes so I'm out in the woods and now it's a pretty rich island so I'm not too worried you have to have that thing where you're like calm down there's nobody here we're gated in whatever but the dog disappears I start to get spooked because it's like ten minutes and then I'm like is she getting eaten should I go out there so I turned into a huge pussy I called Sarah I'm like Sarah you gotta come down here she's like what I'm like

just come down here because I'm afraid to go look for the dog and then the door is like it shuts I can't get back I'm like Fred Flintstone out there wait there's no leash no leash I just let her run out there but what if she never comes back well that's the fear that's what I start worrying about Jesus but I'm like she's a disciplined dog she costs forty eight thousand dollars she was trained by fucking you know Clifford the big red dog's dad or whatever yeah so Sarah comes down she's got one eye open she's like what what is it I'm like I just stand here so I can go look for the dog so I'm in my underwear I'm looking for

the dog finally I call her over she runs over she comes back in I'm like okay now we're good we go back to bed five minutes I leave the door open a jar maybe a half hour later I'm sound asleep again she comes back in this time she's growling and cry I've never heard a growl whoa this is a first-time growl uh-oh FTG so I go all right she must be anxious so now I'm starting to have an anxiety attack because you start to think maybe someone's downstairs oh god cuz you like why is she growling why is she crying she doesn't need to go out she was just out yeah and I've slept in the house the week before I spent a

week there this never happened so she's behaving in a way that she's never behaved so I'm like okay maybe something's got to be wrong here I'm terrified now so now Sarah made the joke she's like now I'm starting to believe in God never believe in ghosts I'm like maybe there's a goat like we're changing our beliefs oh god maybe a ghost guy maybe someone broke in so I'm like fuck should I go down there what do I do I don't have a weapon what the fuck yeah so you have to start calming yourself there's no way anyone's in here and there's a boop boop boop if the door opens I locked all the doors we're

on fucking expensive exclusive violence I'm like there's no way there's no way yeah something's wrong with the dog so I'm like she must be nervous Louis out of town and I'm like maybe she senses our anxiety so I'm like I'll pretend to sleep Sarah you go on your phone and she'll just eventually stop whatever but I can't ignore cuz she keeps being like I've never heard a growl she's growling God she's whimpering I try to pet her I try to put her in the bed I try to leave her in another room I'm trying to figure I'm like this is fucking insane something's going wrong finally oh she goes over to my luggage I just goes

huh bra just pukes everywhere all over my dirty clothes a little puddle of shit she just pukes green dog she had to puke oh my god what what do you think it was did you feed her some jizz or cookies no well I've seen her throw up before I guess they eat grass or a leaf or maybe she's sick and they haven't gone to the doctor or whatever but she threw up twice right next to some of my clothes then a little pile right next to it then she drive heaved next to my shoe which I thought was gonna be payback for me shitting in a shoe 20 years ago and as soon as she puked went back in the other room and just conch right out never a

problem again but here's the thing with dogs you're playing what's that charades because I'm like maybe she's anxious maybe she misses her dad maybe someone's here and I think the whole time the dogs like no I got a puke you fucking idiot wow but hey I also brought you outside you twat why didn't you yak it up in the lawn I think maybe she yanked once came back to yak again or what I don't know if she got the flu or corona or what but it ended up being a puke after that problem solved but man it was scary and exhausting and afterwards I just felt like oh I just passed out because I was so drained yeah I I think we're in a similar

boat because everybody wants to be a mom and a dad and a parent and we kind of like I do I want kids I don't know and this is why because we analyze we get deep in we we try to figure everything out we're emotionally invested that was a dog puking that's nothing that's a that's a blip on the chart and you're freaking out I feel that way completely and I kept saying that we were dog sitting because the every time the dog disappears for five minutes I'm like where where's the dog I gotta go find the dog yes imagine it was a dad I know I feel that way all the time when I'm at the beach I see a little kid I would be

the worst anxiety shit dad and I would put all of it on the kid the kid would grow up to be a big fucking nerd loser same same here and maybe I want kids one day but it's all it's more me me problems that I'm worried about fucking this kid up that I am about having a kid I feel like I can have a kid but I was just with my my girlfriend's family they just had a baby and they'd be like you want to hold the baby I'm like get that thing away from me I hate it I'll drop it I'll eat it I'll bite it I'll kick it get it away from me yes see a baby somehow is a little easier because you just hug it you hold it close you lick

its forehead whatever but these little kids and what's funny is like I don't have those fears so much for myself like we're on the boat I'm diving we're going full speed I'm jumping into that whale tail and you know we're paddleboarding the whole thing yeah cuz I know I know my alleys I know what I'm doing but with the kid you feel so helpless and what about the idea of your kid getting bullied can you imagine your kid comes home with his you know underwear ripped and a pile of dog shit in his hair and he's like Tommy did it I'd kill myself yeah of course I mean I I get sad from a guy in a movie getting fucked with and

that would just ruin me and I feel like I'd go hunt the kid down and then fight him or kill him or blow his mom or something I feel the same way I'm like that's the only time I can fathom doing physical like true physical damage to somebody yes the idea of them like hurting somebody right right yeah I see my girlfriend get kicked I'm go about that her vagina is bleeding but if my kid got kicked I would lose it I I've told the story before maybe but when I was like nine years old I was hanging out this friend's house drew and his dad it was a bit of an artsy poor family and they were a little kooky and the son

had some issues but one time he were playing football or something in the front lawn and this other kid got into it with Drew and they're going at it they start fighting and the kid punched Drew and he had glasses and the glasses went flying and the dad we didn't know was watching from the porch and he goes that's it your ass is grass and he ran over to like tackle the little kid we had to pull we're like mr. Johnson stop like it he was gonna kill this kid yeah I get it and that's why I mean obviously like and we joke a lot but like kid that crimes and abuse against children is just the worst thing in the fucking

world because they're so innocent and helpless and yeah yeah brutal but anyways we got through it dog was fine and all good but man it was scared like I was having anxiety like I haven't had in a long time and also the dogs anxiety and Sarah's anxiety it all escalates you're picking up everyone else's anxiety right right yeah and it's nighttime you're in a weird area you don't know about it's woods you're not a dog guy yeah you're on pms and those huge houses I mark my words if I ever get wealthy I will not buy a big home I like to feel nestled those two floors three floors the idea of a human being and I don't have any

ghost spirit thing a human being could hide in your home is the most fucked up terrifying thing to me okay we're back we had some testical difficulty all right so mark when you froze and you might have caught some of this on your recording but I didn't hear it you were just going into a rant about something shit yes sorry testical Jeff what the hell was I talking about shit what was I talking about do you remember it was we talked about the dog well we talked about the dog and then the big houses yes if I was rich I wouldn't buy a big house yes same I don't like it I had a big house as a kid I'll tell you it was so scary

living in that house when I was a kid because we had a huge alarm system that would go woo woo woo woo and it would go off at like 2 a.m. so you're just like well there's somebody downstairs that's that you know this there's a guy like you just picture some big guy with a boot kicking the door in or breaking the window and like going through your mom's jewelry box that are panties and you know my dad had to go downstairs with a bat and you know I'm eight the whole thing was horrific and it's kind of scarred me I think yeah it's terrifying we had woods just in our backyard like it was a backyard and then there was woods there

and it was always so creepy that someone could come from the woods and sneak right up and come right in the backyard and you know it was a small house but yeah it was frightening and I remember one time there was an episode of Webster where he had like he was watching TV and there was like two like schoolmates snuck in and razzled him or something but it freaked me the fuck out oh my god that's terrifying yeah the woods I even at your house now I see those woods when I've slept at your place and I look out that little window in the back and I'm freaking out yeah the woods are spooky and it's so funny because people are like

ah the city's scary or the second never live in the city and I'm like the city like if I started screaming right now I mean this probably even just talking at this level there's about 48 neighbors that can hear me and they're like this guy's a piece of shit psycho but that to me is comforting I completely agree and I'm with you I like the city people go there's 800 people on top of you I'm like good I like seeing a bunch of people I don't have to talk to walking around yes I agree and I'll tell you something else I like hit me fatty I like blue chew I love I love sex you guys know how much I love sex you know how much love mark

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try it for free just got to pay for the envelope that's pretty good for a boner baby blue chew dot com finally a website that can give you an erection and we also want to talk about only fans folks only fans dot com slash Tuesdays hey hey it's me your pal Joe list oh yeah mark Norman here yeah you probably know us from our hilarious comedy specials TV appearance and legendary tweets and of course our hit podcast Tuesdays with stories but did you know we are and we are now on only fans aren't we mark yeah we are we are on only fans that's right baby get on it ASAP that's right every week mark and I are getting together at

only fans dot com slash Tuesdays to discuss things that would make any grandmother blush and I don't even feel comfortable talking to you about it right now oh yeah we're getting naked baby emotionally at only fans dot com slash Tuesdays and the best part is it's all free folks check it out thanks bye we love you all right thank you yeah go check that out for sure check it out folks because it's been fun we've been talking about porn and talking about our first porn's and our VHS's and our boners and our little dicks so it's cute yeah a lot of porn stuff and I'm having a great time now I got some other little things to

get into but I feel like the folks they haven't heard about your trips you've been out and about and over and out well I talked about Dallas right I talked about me going down to the improv there we covered that it was glorious I'm still scared of the blowback who knows what these these folks are mad about I'm COVID-101 patient zero confidence but I'm going to Dallas Houston this weekend but this weekend the one that just went by I went to Cape Cod saw the ladies new niece and you know just such a beautiful place and Cape Cod it's it's like a shitty it's like a shit it's like Oprah where you it only looks good like once

every 10 minutes a year oh I see that makes sense it does well what was it like there was it because they're just starting to open a little bit was it crowded was it not crowded well I was hanging out with her her old friends and her I guess you'd say her sister's husband's friends and it's a bunch of cops and firefighters from from Boston and surrounding areas so they're just on the beach freewheeling and I gotta tell you after a couple of white claws and a handjob I started talking to these cops you know you're with them for eight hours on a beach is soaking in the rays and I started being like so what do you think

of all this protest and and they were incredibly mature and like hey I get it people are angry you know they got families they're upset they're allowed to protest they can do whatever they want I hate bad cops I hate the the chauvin guy the neck on the the knee on the neck but you know I got I got a family too and I got to support them and my dad was a cop and I'm not a bad guy and I wish they knew that it was it was very mature I was shy it was almost like he had a little little press release ready yeah I mean that's the thing one of my best friends and a Tuesday is a state trooper in Massachusetts and he's one of the

best people I've ever met in my life he's smart as a whip he's got stinky farts and a huge head physically but great guy and he's like a progressive liberal and very smart and he has a law degree and he wants to be of service and he also they he's like yeah we're all trashing that chauvin guy he's like that guy's moron he went against protocol he's a fucking idiot and we hate him and yeah we hope he gets locked up and it makes us look bad and he's a criminal that guy's a criminal so hopefully he goes to jail and yeah yeah cops that are good people and people want to say that that's impossible in there whatever but

they are human beings and a progressive liberal thing would be to have empathy for all human beings I feel that's that's how I was brought up but yeah it's it's very strange how how narrow-minded we we get you know just like this is what we're against fuck it and he was you know joking about defunding the police he's like I don't know how that's gonna work and look I get the managing of money in police but you can't abolish police that's insane and childish and irrational and you know this whole generalization of like we're all evil is bad news and no one ever talks about the good stuff we do and I agree because you know to call

all black people criminals is crazy and they go through a ton of shit and then to call cops bad is crazy even like Karen calling with these white women Karen look I've been yelled at by cunty white ladies my whole life I was a skateboarder you know excuse you put that down a young man I mean that was my whole life there's a lot of cunty white ladies there's a lot of nice white ladies there's a lot of bad cops a lot of nice cops a lot of bad black wheels a lot of good black wheels a lot of bad whitey there's a lot of good white you know it it's it's nuanced it's it's so simple and yet we got to just take down a whole group even though

the whole point of the protest is to help a group and make people realize that we're individuals but then we call out people groups who aren't it's it it's all topsy-turvy and it's all hypocritical and nobody could see that it doesn't seem that hard and I'm not that smart so why can I see it it's kooky dookie topsy-turvy wacky Wednesday but yeah I don't know I don't know why what's gonna all shake down but yeah I don't know I don't know what's gonna happen but it definitely feels like the fabric of society is coming unglued and it's frightening but I tell you I've been doing a lot of meditating and reading and

avoiding social media and maybe again that's a privileged thing to do or whatever but I feel okay it's the end of the world as we know it and what can you do I feel all right I feel fine yeah no I'm with the end just a couple things about the the the trip so how to melt down I'm my alopecia is back you can't really see it because it's not it's not that big yet but every time I'm incredibly stressed out my beard hair starts falling out oh no yeah it's like this weird little tick I have and I noticed it one day I had like a you know dime-sized circle coming out of my facial hair there and I started kind of have

it you know the first time it happened to me when I was 18 or whatever I was like what's this about then I realized I had exams I wouldn't get into college I was failing out of school my dad hated me I was a drunk I got a DUI so that's when it happened before then it happened like five years ago with my special came out and Schumer and I had a million disagreements and I was trying to buy an apartment and da da da da and all this shit and now I had it again and I had to sit down and go why am I having this oh yeah I'm trying to rent my apartment I'm buying a new apartment how much money's not coming in I'm going on these trips

COVID protests so I had to like sit down and figure all that out and I had a huge meltdown because I went on this trip but I'm like why am I going in this trip I have to get my financial shit in order I gotta you know figure out how to rent this apartment I gotta figure out what am I gonna do how am I gonna pay this nut I have in mortgage and it all hit me and I cried in the in this in the bathroom at her fucking sister's house it was horrific nerd I know I know it was two of the more I couldn't sleep I'd taken like five sleeping pills they weren't knocking me out I'm in another weird bedroom there's weird sounds the bed sucks and I

just lost it and I just went into the guy's bathroom and wept like a like a white lady in a Kmart well a good weep is very healthy it's good for you it means you're connected to something I mean that's healthy I love a good weep it really I feel like I'm on the preface of I don't know what that word is crying all the time and I can't get in there so if you can get it triggered and get it going that's good but I've said it to you a million times for ten years I mean you've got to say no and unplug some of this shit it's all pressure and stress from yourself you do it to yourself you have this idea of what a

comedian supposed to be of what a man is supposed to be and it's the wrong idea on both things and you gotta just fucking chill out I would I would recommend a dose of 24 hours no social media you feel like you're supposed to tweet four times a day right get rid of that throw that out you want you got a hundred and seventy five thousand followers take the foot off the gas you can put it back on the gas that's the thing about gas you can press the gas then you put the break on the gas still works right you take the gas the gas is still there it's not about winning I didn't I'm not trying to win anything I just it's a fear of are

they gonna forget about me is it a what if I tweet this and I you know one more person finds out about me and I sell another ticket and now you know whatever it's just it's just it's I'm just doing a little tick I'm ticking away ticking away at more more success or more exposure or whatever the fuck it is I don't know it's just a fear and plus our job is so I mean we sit on a podcast we talk I mean we're good at it and it's fun and we got people listening and we go on stage and it's fun and and we were skilled so I think I feel guilty sometimes that our jobs are so fun and I feel that caused me to work more sorry I feel that way

also I feel guilt all the time but I've been really working on that because you don't need to feel guilt you've worked very hard for what you have and you got I think you got to question your intentions and do you really want this what your wants and needs are because it feels like you have built in your head I have to work this hard I have to get this amount of things out and I have to do this and I have to do that and you don't have to do any of those things you could those are still good things to do it's a valuable use of time to create but this pressure to create throughout the day and every day and to whatever go

on these trips or say yes to everything is it starts to have an adverse effect yes yes yes there's an old there's an old Buddhist saying don't just do something sit there oh that's good that's very groucho yes like you're you're I feel like you live your entire adult life I didn't know you as a child with the opposite I should be doing something like we're in a car and you're working out while you're a passenger in a car and so in a way you're never fully connected to what you're doing because you're always doing multiple things yes yes here here I it's so funny too because I have such a fear and I think you have this

too of disappointing people are letting people down or I don't know being a nuisance you know you never want to be a nuisance and so I had to tell the lady I'm laying next to her it's 5 a.m. I haven't slept that night it's 5 a.m. and I'm just I know we have a to get on a bus or we're going to the beach so we're gonna get up and early and go so I'm just like all right now you're gonna get two hours you fall asleep now you get one hour you know and I just told her I go I can't go to the beach and she's like why are you waking me up at 5 you can't go to the beach I was like I have too much shit to do I need to be alone I need to

think and she was like all right and in my head I thought it was gonna be a big fight but she was like okay whatever you gotta do you're a weirdo and then a bit of a puss and a homo but I hear you and that was it that's good I mean that's a good partner I mean that's and that's good for asserting boundaries a lot of this is boundary issues and expectations of yourself that you create for yourself right and yeah yeah yeah it's it's tough but oh sorry go ahead oh no no I that was but I was but I don't want to turn in a dr. Phil here about it the whole thing but if things aren't gonna be that bad I think things they usually

turn out somewhat okay I mean sure you get hit by a car at any moment or get cancer or COVID or anal but yeah I the expectations are more hurt harmful to your system than with the actual outcome yeah 100% and I don't know I think that I've been saying this to you for years I think you can still accomplish your goals and your needs without pushing so hard to be in max physical condition and have tweets and an act and money and a relationship those are all good things but if you put the pressure if I don't have one of these things I'll be failing is what it feels like and then your self-esteem is based on these things

that in the end don't matter as much as you're thinking they do I think as opposed to your relationships and in your enjoyment of all of those things which not to say you don't have great relationships and enjoyment but I think you could get more out of those things if you just relax your expectations of yourself because it's only you putting this pressure on yourself nobody else nobody else is like hey where the fuck is Mark's tweets today I know you're right people are grateful for them nobody else is like hey what the I think I see an ounce of fat on mark nobody else is like you know why isn't mark you know

eating his wife's pussy well or whatever the whatever else there is she's saying that but yeah yeah yeah just her I don't care how you eat her pussy yeah all right all right yeah I know you're right and I gotta work on it and actually one of the good things about COVID is that you can take a minute and try to fix some shit in your own life and you have a like a loud break yeah I completely I mean this has changed my approach to life that's why I feel so good because it it allowed me I mean I'm basically talking to myself with all of this stuff we have very similar things it's all for me and it took me a long time to realize that all

of this is my expectations of what I think someone is supposed to be yes the most Zen and creating the most material and making as much money as I can do and we create this for ourselves and I think for me personally I think also you there's this idea that if I can get all these things and get to these places then I'll have the approval of my parents and these kids from high school and those people and this comic and you end up creating all these things for other people's perception of you instead of just being okay with who we are as people if we never accomplish anything if we never have another special or another

late night we're valuable just as the nature of us being who we are human beings and special as individuals that are different than any other human being and that goes for everybody here here wow well said boy somebody snip it that was a great little run you had there well if you enjoy this check out mindful metal jacket everybody cuz that's the whole show it was like we did a little preview but is that which wow that's good stuff yeah well it's I get it and I have the same issue it's like you spot it you got it as we say I'm like right it's easy for me to recognize that cuz I have the same problems and issues and I

have to stop this is the great thing about mindfulness is to stop and realize oh I'm doing this because of that I'm behaving this way because I'm trying to create this thing that I think a person is supposed to be right right comedian is supposed to be or whatever and you know put that on top of being in a house with your lady's family that you don't know and don't really gel with and you know the whole weekend is you kind of just making it work and trying to come up with things to say and you know not be yourself too much so that's another part and that was another thing I had to tell her like look you can eat she can't eat dairy and so

you know we're always working on that I can't be around people all the time and be normal so you got to deal with that that's part of the package here yeah that's I mean that's what being in a relationship is is sort of accepting people's thing what they are and then creating boundaries and assert I just burped into the microphone and creating things that I need you to change some things you're like I need you to be able to change this or else this isn't going to work right right and then you have to kind of have the wisdom to know the difference in those things like obviously you can't be like I need you to

consume dairy that would be ridiculous but you might be like I need you to give me space or tell me I love me or I need you to touch my balls on Wednesday or whatever whatever it is yeah I'm a Thursday guy but I get it but any who yeah I mean I think it might serve you to take three days off from social media looking at it and tweeting and Instagraming and all those things or even opening a notebook just fully turn off yeah yeah totally totally and well here's a nice little nugget I you know I'm Matt Salik use buddy of mine I said hey we used to go to breakfast like yeah once every two weeks at a diner and just

bullshit hear about his family hears about my bullshit and he likes comedy and he loves all that shit so we talk about that and you know obviously we can't do the diner thing because the the world's on pause but I just said hey can I come to your house or let me I'll take the hog up to you and we'll just walk around he said that would be great and it was so nice and we got a beer we went to the pier we just talked and bullshit and made fun of everybody and then he I but I was about to get on my hog and he saw a rebel scooter parked you've seen these oh yeah I know the rebel the helmet's a little creepy but other than that it's

cool yeah he didn't put the helmet on much like myself but a rebel free for those you don't know it's much like a city bike where you can rent with your phone you can rent a parked moped and just drive around the city park it and then some other chuch who has a rebel app can just pick it up and use it yeah it's pretty good it's like a yeah shared it's like I don't know Airbnb but for scooters yeah it's like a zip car kind of thing and it's got another ride a scooter really but he got on it and and we brought together like a couple wild hogs and it was adorable we're going down the hell's kitchen you know two

douchebags just putting down the 8th Avenue yeah I think well that's a beautiful thing and that's part of what's gone on with all this quarantine thing is less relationships with people like physically yeah with somebody is is meaningful so I mean I especially feel bad for all the the gays out there the two's gays that are alone during this or have been alone during this thing here so true brutal brutal yeah that was a nice queefy moment and just right next to a friend it's a weird bonding experience you know the wind is in both the air of thinning hair and we're farting and it

was it was nice yeah that's a beautiful those are those special moments it's nice in when there's moments in life that you can recognize as they're happening we are like hey this is something I got something going right here completely and then you have those moments where you go home and you feel better like you're like oh man that that it's almost like when you go to the gym and you're like I'm glad I went that was hell but I'm glad I did it and you kind of have a relief feeling I had that after that bike ride and I had that after this weekend yeah it's good for the soul I mean this is the thing this the soul needs

nourishment as well you need your body of course you're like let me get some spinach and cram that in my ass let me drink you know a naked juice whatever I need that but your soul needs nourishment you need these relationships physical touch and all of those things to feel valued you need you need time away meditation all this stuff you need to nourish your your soul your cockles here here yeah and I had my cockles on my ladies chin the other day and we took the Amtrak back from a to and back from bean town well you're really putting it out there you're a you're flying you're on the train you're meeting and greeting

oh shit you're right you're right forget it no Amtrak but I think you got the immune system I mean eventually this is what we've been talking about eventually we're gonna have to let our immune systems play a role in this fucking thing to get back to it yeah we can't live indoors for the next 10 years yeah the old bags are gonna have to hide out and have a pillowcase on their heads and us young whip a snap is it gonna have to just risk it yeah I think you're right oh boy we're time god I hate this we just need a goddamn cure or whatever what you call it vaccine yeah it's a bummer or the mass herd tits whatever the fuck

that is but the who I don't know the herd the herd immunity oh herd amber herd yeah yeah yeah I don't know but we'll see but I guess I think it's all just gonna be personal risk what you're willing to risk and everything I guess but I know but it's it's willing you know by me going here am I risking someone else's life and you know that's that's when you start freaking out like oh shit I'll take a kick on the nuts but I don't want to kick someone else in the nuts yeah exactly that's where it gets a little tricky but I don't know Sarah flew last week back from Houston and we've been having anal and she's been pegging me and

so far we're we're fine but I don't know I got I got no answers anymore it's so fucking confusing it's all it's the whole thing's been so mucked up but yeah everybody's got to stop acting like they have answers you know the CDC changes and flip-flops every 10 minutes so what what the fuck do you know Susie Joe yeah Susie Joe sucks yeah but yeah we'll be all right and if we're or we won't be and that'll be fine too yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah either way though when whatever happens I cherish the little things again just getting on that beach you're like wow the fucking beach look at this and this ice cream shops open holy shit

oh my god look at that ice cream cone dripping down my chin it tastes so good and it's like you're Amish you know you're like oh wow look at this everything's exciting and new and weird yeah you need it we went for I was out in Long Island we went to ice cream every day me Louis Sarah we took the jeeps and there's no you know the air is just flipping around everywhere there's no roof or whatever the fuck there's no doors yeah it's got like those roller coaster doors it's like a black bar that clinks in you know the clink oh I love a clink we got the roller coaster clink the dogs in the backseat her tongue

going a dog tongue not a bad tongue great tongue like I felt if I lost my tongue and we replaced it with the dog tongue I guess I do fine oh you'd be a killer with the oral you could you ever watch do yourself a favor watch a dog tongue scoop up some water in slow motion unbelievable I'll get right on that but I was watching in fast motion and I was enjoying it but we were going for ice creams every day and you have this we're like every day I was getting a medium chocolate chip and then like day five I was like you know I'm making a large yeah I'm just eating ice cream for like 25 minutes and I'm a fat fuck I

don't know if it comes up in the camera I got home I got a smart scale I weighed myself plus 2.4 since the last time I weighed myself wow that's a heft wow thank you are you showing oh I'm fat I mean I have that thing right now where it goes from pelvis till it goes like like there's like a 40 degree angle it's bad news bears and I was pretty ripped up like before quarantine because I was going to the gym and doing this and that now a chubster but I feel like I'm in an area where I can get it back pretty quick that's the thing about a chubster is fine and and squeezable and husky and all that's good stuff but to me it's getting

back to normal and then not just getting back you got to go back to zero and then you got to get ripped up again so it's to me it's it's the the journey back is almost not worth the the plump well it's not cuz that ice cream is just it's so fun and you're it's all science in the brain your brain yes triggers the thing like you're like oh we'll go get that ice cream I love it and it becomes like a reward system like I'm like at that same time a day I'm like oh let's go it's sunsetting I like this lighting let's all get in the car let's all go you're all having it together but anyways it was a great time we went out on the boat I

swam the ocean we dropped anchor Sara and I I got a great photo of us from behind you know where we're jumping into the water together it looked like that whatever that production company is with the guys in the water yeah off the dock yes it's just beautiful and yeah it's life is is good if you want to make it good for yourself and again maybe that's a place of privilege I'm saying but whatever the fuck no you gotta you gotta choose these queefs out there they all bitch and moan and as do I I'm I'm crying in a stranger's fucking laboratory but I think you got to choose to be happy you got to make it a choice and the right

to choose and women's abortions but you got to really just suck it up and go this is how I'm gonna live and this is what I'm gonna think and you got to stop worrying about a outside shit and worry about your own shit yeah we'll be a we'll be okay and love is the answer and my tits are nice and my pubes are gray I don't know I don't have all the answers but as the dude said take her easy there it is I like it the dude abides but we got we got to wrap this thing up I mean this is an epic episode this is an epic episode epic episode I like it I like it spooky house was it spooky spooky clink I can't remember what

it was but that was a hell of a title showbo sorry about the the jizz on the lens there with the Wi-Fi but this I gotta get out of this shoebox yeah we had a little testicle difficulty I don't know I have Wi-Fi is an issue that I mean Wi-Fi issues in a house that size I feel like the Wi-Fi would be coursing through your veins I think I'm blaming what do you call it Con Ed those cunts over there at cunt Ed but yeah I don't know I think it goes out like eight times a day you got unplugged it's like a Nintendo I'm blowing on it I'm eating it out it's brutal well no big whoop Shelby we got Shelby the the the king of

editing here so he's gonna slap it together we'll get a set a different camera angle for you in the middle of the episode which will be fun and nobody cares they're grateful so yeah I just want to tell people to go check out the patreon I feel like we have a little bit we're still rocking over there we're doing a bonus queef every week there's one from every week of quarantine plus is a ton backtrack there's years ago interviews with Allen fuck it all kinds old Boston comics we've sat down with a lot of people Sarah and I are doing foreign film friends and all the live shows are on

there is a ton of shit on there you can get it for five bucks a month use your stimulus package yes package put it in my mouth I agree the live show Bert Chrysler Nikki Glazer Chris DeStefano Ron Bennington I mean these are jam-packed lineups folks and you know as you said once a week we got shirts out there live laugh queef and the other ones the old vintage og and you know I got I got guys hitting me up all the time about hey can you sign a photo of you too and and I'm like yes send it over we'll sign it and send it back so get creative you want something you know if you don't want a queef but you want

something else hit us up let's talk about it yeah we appreciate the support it's been really nice I think we got the best fan everyone says I think we have the best fan we have kind thoughtful fans I think yes yes I think we're a good outlet for our our nice peaceful fans because we'll say a good couple of queefs and some Siemens and they might be mild-mannered folk who can't talk like that around their PR person or HR and I think we get it out for them yeah it's great oh by the way oh I forgot to mention we talked about in the queef I listened to the Marin Seinfeld baby what a what a paw that was that was that was

killer killer kill a fantastic I text him about it and I'll tell you that off air all right I can't wait well I mean I thought it was fantastic I thought they both made their points I thought they were both were equally fascinating and annoying and interesting and just a lot of prodding yeah a lot of prodding a lot of poking a lot of like what and then him being like no that's what I heard he's like oh I hate you and he's like I thought you didn't like me he's like well maybe I didn't I mean it was it was a rootin tootin good time lunch yeah and it was great because the conversation was like both sides of my head I feel

like so much I agree with both of them so much and I felt like they both were a little short-sighted on things and they both were really smart and other whatever I'm not articulate but I thought it was great and so check it out check out Marin talking to Seinfeld I feel like if you're a fan of this show you'll enjoy that very much yeah yeah it's a good time and I'm trying to get the guy to do Rogan or one of the other ones because he obviously hates doing him but I think he's in COVID and in quarantine so he's like I can't do comedy fuck it yeah well it keeps you relevant and he's also so interesting to

hear talk about stand-up as much as he frustrates me sometimes yeah yeah you know one of the greats obviously yeah no one's thought about it it seems like no one's thought about comedy more maybe Quinn or somebody like that but he I mean he could do a what do you call it a thesis or a doctorate in stand-up I think and how excited you for that book he's got a book coming out in September I don't I don't I'm not getting excited that the books gonna be 18,000 things you heard before you know I started catch a rising star was a masterpiece that's gonna be all the same shit maybe maybe will I have some hope but yeah I definitely think

like the first third of that interview I could have answered the questions for him exactly and you know I love the guy Larry Davis the same way where it's like oh he's on stern well here we're gonna hear about how he went on stage and the crowd hated him so he walked off stage too early you know come on yeah but check it out great listen and yeah I think that's that's about it but that's for listening folks we love you we're very grateful yeah God bless you keeping us a float and tell a friend let's spread the love I've been putting up YouTube clips I see hey any Tuesdays here Tuesdays unite do yourself a favorite check out the

Tuesdays with stories fan page on you on Facebook that one's cooking too yeah check it all out Instagram we gotta follow the Tuesdays with stories Instagram up there we'll put clips up there the Twitter oh yeah here here well yeah go gay kiss you dad and blow my aunt and we'll see you we'll see it a week and we'll see all the queeps if you're patreoning it up all right George is saying cut it braze I'll take it easy yeah music