Tuesdays with Stories! - #355 Hairy Crumb

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

We've got a hell of an ep for ya this week as Joe takes flak from Golden Retriever owners all over the world while Mark get's drunk with Ari Shaffir before having a nightmare flight on his way to do shows in Houston Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to Tuesdays with stories I'm gonna talk as fast as I can let's see how fast I can get I'm Joe list that's mark Norman and

Shelby's on the ones and twos and marks in Houston number New York hey that was kind of fun hey that was pretty good I like the bad the micro machine guy remember him yeah of course that guy was amazing yeah he made a career off of talking fast and he was on like 18 commercials and then nothing well you know it's weird I I'm in that I reached an age now where I'm finally feeling the eight great Brandy Carlisle song beginning to feel the years and I'm starting to do this thing where I'm like that guy's probably 75 years old yes I think about that too I keep doing all this crazy math of being like when I was

in high school my mother was younger than me yeah now like that man I mean it's all I can think about like that album came out 30 years ago and like like music I feel like I've already talked about this shit on the show but like Ferris Bueller's day off is now as old as like rear window was when we were kids I know I know is that weird it's very strange and thinking about our teachers age like looking back and thinking like my English teacher was like 26 and you thought she was 90 yeah exactly everybody and here's what you know really when it really kicks in is when you're they're making movies about the 90s like when

we were young it was like well they made they based a movie in the 50s how kooky how look at the 50s oh it's soda pop and convertibles and now you're like this is a movie about the 90s I was in that yeah it's it's very strange and to like to say I grew up in the 90 which is like yes three three decades ago was strange and yeah it's very bizarre it makes you realize like hey this we think of this is our time but you're just another bag of bones and and thoughts and jizz and you're gonna die and then the next group will die and they're gonna think they're hot shit they're gonna die and it makes you real we're all just a

couple of lemmings on a gay conveyor belt well at this is our time and how their time and then we'll be dead it's so strange life will just shuffle on and this is like our time to be 38 or 36 why couldn't you say 35 or 39 cool hand Luke I mean cool hand Luke that movies 70 years old now or whatever the fuck 67 87 97 2007 2017 it's 43 years old and he's dead that guy Luke is gone I mean died in the movie school what I said he died in the movie oh yeah Lucas Jackson but what's crazy like so my wife is older than I am and my mother had me young so when my mother was my wife's age now I was out of high school I was like

a drunk I was 20 years old that's wild isn't that weird it's weird man it's kooky it's gay it's all over the road I don't know how to process but it just makes you realize like I better fucking rip it up while I'm here you know do something create something make a movie do a comedy special you gotta have some you gotta leave your your mark Norman yeah you gotta leave your mark and I don't know if you take a black light to my clothes and those marks all over the place that's true little little me's hey I'm gonna give a shout out to a fan whose name I don't even have I'm just thinking about they looked at it but he's a big

runner professional runner and he said hey I know you've been running you're a runner your wife and you run and he sent me a bunch of gear he sent me some sneaks and Sarah some snakes and some shots I love gear love a good gear I'm not a gear head but I do like gear yeah well you're really grinding my gears there but anyways yeah we're old and it's weird and my father's gay happy father's day yes that's right I gotta make it awkward my dad pulled this when I texted him happy father's day don't worry calling in a bit you know just like throwing it out there I didn't forget and then he goes I'm about to go to your

brother's house with your mom we're all gonna be together you should call then I was like I'm such a selfish cunt in my head I'm like that just means more talking to the family brutal yeah I'm lucky my father and I we don't have that kind of thing there's no phone talk it's a text first thing in the morning 930 he writes back you know love you the YA and that's that's a wrap on that I mean yeah good we're done we move on well see my dad he's similar to that but he's a conniving cunt where he's going oh well well call me when I'm at your brother's house so it the loads off me too he's he's a clever little rabbit oh totally no

no one wants a one-on-one in any situation no man and child for sure no there's about three people I'm okay one-on-one and it's my wife my priest and my rabbi rabbi they all walk into a bar hey folks get on the patreon our patreon has really plateaued we're grateful but we'd like to see a little spike in cases if you know what I mean yeah yeah let's Florida it up over there you know go to the beach without your shirt on and no mask and let's patreon it up because we're breaking down our old sets and I'm getting some cool tweets about how much people are enjoying that I mean you get

and see comics uncomfortable shitting on their own act and talking about it it's a lot of fun yeah that was a that was a weird feeling because I went through a range of emotions of fear to watch my old set and then also a little acceptance and then a little like hey that was pretty good yeah pride you know I came a long way and did some good stuff I had a nice Sears outfit a hand me down John Fishel outfit but it's pretty fun we watched an old set of yours I thought was great and of course we got the live episodes on there and oh yeah we might start bringing some guests in maybe and Lala I mean there's so many queefs from

on the road all kinds of guests in there that we just did in our hotel rooms our basement our father's house so yeah go check it out you can you can join for five bucks a month and yeah yeah yeah it's a hot one and get a shirt get the patreon help us out and the more you subscribe the more content will blow on your taco there so you also got us will help you you also get the videos a week early which is nice oh you don't have to wait around for that visitio people still cannot get on board with that they're every time I look at the comments hey how come this is the old one I think I've seen this I might have a deja vu I have a

stroke you know it can I not get it up but I'm like no we've talked about this the patreon gets it first yeah so check it out people people love the video they want to watch videos so go over there and get it now speaking of the pod I got to address some things from last week's episode I've been I've been catching all kinds of flak from the wall well you know what happened oh my god I got buried it was like a firing squad out here Roberto flak hit me well first of all I mean this podcast very irreverent we're saying crazy shit wild shit we're talking about you know all kinds of goofy stuff oh yeah the most controversial

thing we've ever said was last week I said golden retrievers are dumb I mean I'm getting I'm getting tweets people showed up at my house I got a mall of top cocktail it up throwing up my asshole there's a brick through my window I mean they are the dumbest dogs I think it's it's a fact no no come on they're the smartest dog they're known for this but you're fucked now you're gonna get this shit well who's up who's number one snoop I thought poodle well that first of all let me just explain myself I had to send out a tweet because I hired a PR person not to mention by the way we talked about the idea of fucking a dog

for 25 minutes three people are upset about that don't fuck a puppy that'll get you in real trouble well let me just say that was another thing people were like you're disgusting a couple people I'm like I didn't fuck a dog I don't want to fuck a dog it's a comedy show yeah I was just making a point that if you pet a dog they really just lay back and you know spice it up yeah dogs are creeps they really just I mean like it just feels like you have the dog just loves you I mean obviously no one's having sex with a dog I can't believe I have to address that to the two people that were upset about that but these golden

retriever people again I know nothing about dogs I know you got you know four hoofs and some fur a waggy tail a floppy ear they lick their own dent genitals some don't even have a tail some they cut the tail off what's up with that it's a nub it freaks me out I don't know what does up with that maybe because it covers their asshole and they shit into their tail oh maybe but it it tries to wag sometimes and it's all wonky you know his butts moving and there's nothing nothing wiggling there it looks like a like a Lorraine a bobbitt thing where you're like that should be a movement and it looks like the remember remember

shallow howl do you ever see that move yes yes the tail he's got the little tail there by the way what a drop-off for Alexander I mean I like shallow howl I like the fairly brothers but it was like he's the king of Seinfeld George Costanza and then he can't get a gig his TV show gets cancelled whatever Bob Patterson and then he has to become the the creepy tail friend but that's the best thing he's done since Seinfeld though well maybe curb oh yeah he was pretty great on curb but now I hear you and that's scary yeah I mean that's the way it goes but I bet Julie Dreyfus that's scary but the alternative even

scary never had doing anything good true true yes yes most people never even get one hit wonder but any jizz where was I going there when the dog fucking dog our poodle anal so very I don't know nothing about a dog I was dog sitting for a dog owner now this guy owns a dog he's owned a series of dogs and he's the one that gave me the info and this happens a lot people give you info and you go on that must be I don't know anything about this they know stuff about this they must be right and then you go spread that seed everywhere and eventually someone's like that doesn't that dog don't hunt that's not correct

right so I've been he kept telling me that a poodle the golden doodles a mix of a poodle which is very smart and a golden retriever which is very dumb I heard this thing nine times from him so I'm tweeting and emailing and sending out letters saying golden retrievers are dumb well I mean I never got more flack in my whole life well they're a beloved dog they're the star of every sitcom family you know the Frisbee catch in the mouth we all love a golden but here's here's the bigger picture this is very interesting so you got a dog guy telling you all these dog facts and you don't know anything about dogs you just go with

it it's almost like you got a racist dad and he's saying these people are dumb these people are lower and you're just a young buck he doesn't know anything and you're just absorbing it learned behavior yes yes learned so I'm saying I'm saying go talk to this fella he's got the bad info and by the way I mean if I may defend myself fourth smartest dog every human smarter than dogs so I mean you got four levels down than a human it's still pretty dumb and I want to say I'm grateful for the couple people that tweeted and said hey no need to apologize I got a golden retriever and it's a fucking moron so you see you see I

mean maybe they're like people some are dumb and some are smart but I'm sorry everybody I fended golden retrievers are very smart they read books and they vote Democrat whatever it is that makes something smart they do it so vegan pro choice yeah I get it but who what's number one do we look it up call in if you know Shelby could you give that a Google maybe text us or something if you're not too busy on the other line there Shelby is not on the horn but he's he's available to us yes feel free to text number one smart as pooch it's gotta be poodle if unless this guy has really horrific what are you going on poodle

what's your hang up on the poo because that's what he kept telling me oh you see you got the bad dad Tony Asians are stinky and Jews are evil so maybe maybe he's way off on poodle too but golden retrievers number four I just gave it a quick Google because as soon as I saw that first tweet a guy quoted golden retrievers are dumb Joe list and I'm like oh here we go this is not gonna be good and he quoted me you got a quote this other asshole wow wouldn't that be crazy if this is what ended you out of all the things we've said on here the golden retriever thing got you canceled oh here it is Shelby's coming through big

number one border collie borders what does that look like I don't know what a border collie is border collie I know what a collie is what's a collie a collie it's you know collie flower it's like it looks like a golden retriever but it's it's a little beefier and the hair isn't his wispy it's hard to explain a dog's look now there's border collie in this border Texty Texty yeah call text oh I I'll kill myself after number two is poodle oh okay okay you were right on with the pood so poodles up there number three of course they're known you they're known for their engineering the German Shepherd Germans are good they've had

some bad ideas but you know they're efficient people they get shit done and I assume that the list that Shelby sent that ends with those three border collie poodle German Shepherd and from what I saw number four is golden retriever and here's a photo of the the thing we just were talking about I don't know if you can see that there on the video which one is a collie that's the collie oh I was way off all right I thought your description fit oh all right I'll take it I don't know I mean I wasn't listening but it seemed good you fit the description that's what I say my apologies now I want to know what the

dumbest dog is like what's the big fucking idiot probably a Boston terrier no offense to my people oh yeah I don't know that dog just like yeah yeah he goes to the gay pride parade and yells at him barks at him I don't know fucking queer yeah yeah well I don't know I don't I had a dog when I was a kid it was the same dog from Wizard of Oz oh a todo dog a todo and I had the same hair so my dad it was a black-haired dog and I was a black-haired douche and my dad called me todo for a while then the dog got eaten by ants come on well not eaten but it died from an ant pile an ant pile what first of all you sounded like Bob Sieger

for a minute it was a black-haired dog and I was a black-haired man yeah so wait all right give me this ant story cuz this this sounds a little fishy well you know I lived in a rough rough section of Nola and this dog was not cut out for my hood and he was sheltered and literally sheltered and we picked him up but he was cute and he was little and he was he was a nice little guy didn't have a bad bone in them and one day he went out and started digging through an ant pile cuz they're you know it's a big pile of dirt it's fun and he's a roller it's a hill he died on that hill and he's rolling around like a chinchilla cuz

it's all fun dirt and he didn't realize he's getting all these ants on them and these are you know black ants so they didn't hold back and they bit the hell out of him it bit him so much he died like but did he die did he get like poisoned and he was sick and then you went to the vet and they were like he's got ant bites and what did he like legs up fucking covered an ants dead legs up like a cartoon that they swarmed him you could even see him he was so covered like eyeballs eating the eyeballs and them in the mouth I mean in the ears it was out of a horror movie Jesus Christ yeah ants with a Z boy they really up

the ante oh boy I'm off on this up I'm sorry the dog got me down but gold retriever you're you killed it well good for the ants I heard there was a bit that I used to love someone in Boston had a bit about how if you kick an ant hill over or an ant pile as you guys say in New Orleans evidently yes if you kick over an anthill they don't pause they just immediately start working to rebuild the hill yes that's right they're better than us they're not lazy and the guy I forget the comic he had the bit he's like come on all of them there's got to be one guy that's like what the fuck are you fucking kidding me

no way I'm out of here he did a whole act out and it was a great bit I love the bit that's great I love that angle it's a funny angle and then of course they can lift the equivalent of a car a 10 times their weight or a hundred times their weight that's right and they have ant farms they literally farm you should be farming what do you mean they're growing crops or what no you never seen an ant farm as a kid you had the little green thing with the clear plexiglass and I had the dirt in it and you throw a couple ants in there within two days they got tunnels built and they're doing an underground railroad and they're

there they're lifting turnips and beats they build a farm but I thought that was just a term for like where they live are they actually farming are they planting seeds and it's a thing you buy give it a goog it's crazy it's the thing you buy and you put a couple ants in it you throw a few speckles of dirt maybe a half an onion rind and you put that in there and before you know it they got a they got a city center they're building you know like suburbs in there well I've seen the farm I know about the farm but I thought farm was just a general term for do they feed themselves off the farm and that's amazing oh yeah they're

incredible creatures also if an ant was our size he'd be faster than a Ferrari fun fact no kidding goog wow that's wild I'm not I'm saying no kidding I said wow I'm not saying I don't believe you no no I get it but they're they're a hell of a little Nazi and that's why they were so fun and honey I shrunk the the dick remember the ant yes I remember the ant they had the little the crumb hanging off the front yes the crumb the crumb hairy crumb I I love that redheaded kid he's in big and he's in the kids and he was overboard he had three hits and he was out he was big and he was really funny and he reminds me of Matt Wayne

he's got a Matt Wayne feel I could see that hockey jersey kind of 80s kid yeah I could see that quick by the way Matt Wayne one of the funniest guys I think he's on the patreon somewhere there's a live episode with him one of the funniest guys ever one of my favorite comics Buffalo guy I shot this short film with Robert Kelly and myself and Sarah and there's a scene with a fart and we looked up we went to YouTube and pulled up some fart sounds you know Sarah and I love a fart joke sure and we we plugged him in it just wasn't sounding real it was sounding like somebody making fart noises yeah so I said I know who's got good

farts Matt Wayne has the funniest best farts I texted him I said hey buddy we need a fart over here step on it he's like break glass for a fart you know he's an emergency he's tremendous so he said I mean such a funny guy text me and says no problem I'll have my wife put some lentils on come on that's amazing put up put the lentils on then he says I'll get you in the morning because in the morning I got real motorcycles I mean this guy is just a natural the funniest guy ever I mean he's up there with my uncle Brian and Derek this guy yeah so next morning I wake up you know I hear the cockadoodle do the sun is

rising I already got three sound files on my phone and they're labeled like like dud long one classic I can't remember what he labeled him but and you get a little bit of his vocals beforehand and it's great I mean and the fart is perfect we put it in it's the exact length we need perfect I mean I'll play you want you want me to play you one yeah he's the farthest is what he is exactly I mean what a hero that he didn't even he didn't flinch he didn't go what's this for why do you need this am I going to jail he was just like you got it I'm on it he was on it and I venmo'd him seven bucks I was like I

appreciate it he's a first fart sponder here we go here's a couple quick gripper home run what do you hear that he said oh home run motorcycles is great that's a great one here comes another one that one's good and then here's a real long one get ready folks it sounded wet whoo alright anyways that's enough of that I'll probably get shit for that people like grow up you losers but yeah it just goes to show you so I'm a I'm in Houston right now and you know I'm rusty I'm gay I'm working on

an act here and the clock there's a big clock on the wall there and that clock is ticking baby I mean you think oh I've probably done about 28 29 you look at the clock you've done seven oh you know that feeling certainly and so I'm just reaching here I'm grabbing sticks and twigs and berries for many area I can and I'm trying to pull something out of my ass and it's all put together with gum and tape and so I'm doing pretty well I'm cooking but I'm getting real dirty and it because don't you find you go hacky and you go dirty and you add a lot of fucks when you got nothing of course that's why hacks are hacks right

right I had nothing so I had like 18 minutes to go with zero material left zero I've got three sheets of paper on the stool I'm going I got nothing I'm looking to laundry list here I'm panicking and this lady yells out you're so fucking lazy what and I was like oh geez here we go so now part of me is like well this is bad this lady's pissed she's mad she's obviously yelling but now I got something to go off of that's nice nice little gift but why should call you lazy what is that well I mean in her defense I got 12 papers out I got post-it notes I got a whiteboard up there I'm reading you know the the daily

news is trying to pull any kind of material out and it turns out I did some porn jokes I think she dabbled in porn and that hit hit a hit a nerve oh interesting well first of all let me just say to me that sounds like the opposite of lazy that's what I said you're working you got notes in a thing lazy would be if you were just sitting there with nothing right and the beauty of it well I was doing pretty well and I kind of had the audience with me like sorry folks I'm working this out they were all like you got it keep going so they were cool and so I had them on my side at least so when she yelled they

all turned on her that's always a good feeling then I got to go hey all right let's take it easy and then she was so far in the back I said I can't see if I could see you I'd really insult your physical appearance but I can't see you and I'm just trying to get something out of it but when when somebody says something that has some some truth to it it wasn't like you suck or you know your dad's a dick it was like you're lazy and you know we've all had lazy thoughts where you go ah she's just kind of right yeah I mean I would I don't know that anybody that's ever met you would describe you as lazy that seems insane but

I think this lady is crazy maybe she said crazy it sounded like lazy no it was pretty clear and she wasn't Asian so that that didn't happen but yeah it was it was weird and it just it's the toughest thing about comedy because you just put out a special I think you already have a ton of material you're about to put out a special you have a bunch of material in the backlog though right yeah I got I got a nice chunk yeah so you could headline with new material pretty much I mean I did one week after I shot and I did like 15 of the stuff from the special and then I got about 30s or so okay so I I didn't prepare you're the you're the

grasshopper I'm the way you're the you're the spider I'm the grasshopper who's the one who saved all the nuts I don't even know what you're referencing this is an ASAP saying all it's one of those old wives tales does the grasshopper and the and the Nazi or somebody in the Nazi saved a bunch of nuts and the grasshopper said hey have fun with that dickless I'm going up I'm going to the beach oh I know then the winter came and the grasshopper starved to death the only the grasshopper story I know is when the grasshopper walks into the bar and the bartender says that we have a drink named after you and the grasshopper says

you have a drink named Dennis nice I mean that's one of my favorites of all that's it yeah also the the ninjas say grasshopper you know they go hello grasshopper like to the to the new guys oh yeah you know it's it strikes me you haven't you don't hear much about ninjas anymore well that means they're doing a good job I think like when's the last time you heard a ninja movie I mean T-dance between Ninja Turtles has been remade but like Ninja there's been a ninja film or TV show in quite a while yeah you're right I think it's kind of I don't know it's too close to the n-word people are avoiding it I don't know it's

a ninja's out you're right there was like Power Rangers Ninja Turtles and it's all kids with ninjas there was three ninjas remember that movie oh yeah the three ninjas and then there was Beverly Hills Ninja Chris Farley this is all 90s yeah you're right ninjas are out we should get back on the ninja scene yeah crazy rich Asians did that have a ninja well I guess you had kill Bill but that was more Kung Fu I don't know and even that was almost 20 years ago yikes here we go with the years I know I think about it all the time that was 17 years ago or so the way the way you look at the 70s is how my dad looked at the 30s isn't

that insane my dad was born in 47 wait what you're born in 37 my dad's born in 47 47 yeah sorry did I say 30 maybe you did say I don't know I can't remember okay so he was born in 47 so he's 10 years old in my dad so the year the decade before he was born was the 30s and the decade before we were born was the 70s it's insane like that the 30s was like the depression and tenement buildings and horse drawn carriages and ladies with a big mole and a mustache during a pot and the clothes lines and shit you know that's insane I mean that's the stuff like talking we talk about you know not to get whatever but all this

stuff going on with Black Lives Matter and everything you think about it's like this is only a couple generations away from slavery yes as Louis would say it's two old ladies dying back to back right yeah it's wild crazy I think like your great great grandfather is involved in like the 1830s I know it's insane I'm like and you just want to tell the guy like you got no idea what's coming like the internet TV porn it's gonna be wild and people were happier I was just reading a thing yeah about gratitude and like putting yourself in your like great grandparents your forefathers or whatever your ancestors is the word put them in

their position like to think about what that must have been like no windows you had no window things you just fly in the weather would just come in yes no central heating you'd have to have a fireplace and like gather around it no TV no radio no internet no lights no electricity no AC totally totally and that was like life was all about okay it was all seasonal okay the winter's coming we got to do that okay the summer's here we got a crop I make hay while the sun shines it was all just survival survival and I think in a sloppy douchey way that's kind of how we're wired and we were probably a

little more sane then oh hundred percent I think this days that we were like happier than the internet on us side note I deleted Twitter off my phone on Friday I feel like a million bucks but wait we get into something weren't you telling a story I think we went crazy oh well let me just say this because we're talking about the 30s I was getting to this heckle lady so the 30s isn't that crazy than like 1932 somebody said something offensive and somebody went Jesus man it's 1932 you gotta you know wake up like we always do like it's 2020 he's still doing this shit but they did that back then like the year is just the

year it's an arbitrary bullshit number we're just humans who are happening to be alive now interesting yeah I guess that's the nice thing about progress we are still progressing yeah yeah I guess so took a long time before people were like like I was I tweeted this the other day about people there must have been a first guy that was like hey maybe we shouldn't drink and drive yeah seems a little dangerous it must have been one person at one point that was like well what if we just didn't drive while we're drunk and everyone else is probably like this shut up you fucking homo you piece of shit yeah yeah my my friend Neil

Stasny had this great bit like you could probably have been the governor of a state if you would just like back in the day if you were like oh I'm not racist they would be like holy shit like just blow people's minds by being not racist yeah how nice I think this has been someone's bit before but like how nice I watched like a documentary about Bill Russell and he's like crying he's like Bob Coosie ate out of my french fries and I knew he was a good man I'm like what a nice thing that must have been yeah that just I mean not for the you know black people but the idea of just like I eat Damien lemon's onion ring and they're

like this guy's a hero I know it's so easy photo of you high five and Jackie Robinson and all of a sudden but then on the flip side you get the n-word lover hey you know you what do you go back to your area you say segregation I don't know yeah they beat you up or whatever but nice nice back then you didn't have to you know post a certain thing saying the right thing with the right wording back then you could just have your arm around you know BB King and people like well done yeah yeah exactly alright so I also wanted to say so yeah I did this heckle thing whatever she got thrown out which was fun but yeah boy I'll tell you

that's the thing about stand-up with these shows it's so funny because these comment or these audience members see the special so they'll see your special they'll go we like this guy this is a polished funny whatever good joke comic and then they come see you and you're the exact opposite and they're I think they're a little confused so it's like imagine seeing LeBron James on TV have the game of his life and then you go see him and he sucks like he doesn't lose skill after he does well or after you record something much like us not skill but we lose content yes and even that analogy stuff because they still got to

see the other 11 guys there was still a game going back and forth they're just bummed that he had a bad night it would be like if you went and saw the stones and they had a bunch of notes out and they kept starting and restarting you're like what the fuck but some people love this that's true that's true I think the real comedy nut jobs they get it they know what the hell's going on but even as the guy delivering the the shit jokes you still want to fucking prove it to him like oh no I can do it so it just it's tough on the ego well this is where we miss the comedy club the comedy seller the stand and these clubs to work

places out I mean that's where it's brutal and I was talking to a couple different comics that were saying you know I want to go back to work but I can't go and do a headlining show I need you need the seller or something yeah do ten minutes eight minutes whatever it'd be nice but speaking of working out that's not a good segue but we do have a sponsor this week and we are very happy about this sponsor this week's episode of Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue chew you know it the first chewable dick pill yes while we're all stuck at home what's something we could all use a little more of human contact

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com promo code Tuesdays to try it free blue chew dot com finally a website they can give you an erection boy really cut to the chase on that copy certainly well tell me some other Houston things what's it like down there how's it going are you getting nervous are you seeing sick people do they have masks on are the shows good am I gay what's going on well it's getting interesting now because look I'm a freewheel and come guzzling chuch and you know I like to live by the seat of my khakis but I did a meet and greet first show Friday Saturday us for Friday late show meet and greet Saturday I get a text from the club hey we're

kind of pushing it with the meet and greet do you want to let's just let's just call it quits on that I was like hey done and done now I'm not the bad guy you guys don't want to do it I don't want I never want to do it I mean it's nice meeting the the Tuesdays and everything but it's a lot of work and it's you know it's it's more of a risk so they they nicks that well that's nice yeah yeah handshakes we should do away with it forever it seems like it so I think I think people are starting to worry a little I don't know if they're actually worried about illness but maybe they're starting to worry about are we gonna get

called a bunch of so-and-so's if we don't follow the rules and maybe we should just try not to get in trouble and what if some guy gets sick from here now it's on us so it's it's even if it's a liability I think people are taking precautions now that's good yeah it's it's weird I mean I was talking to Shelby about it off Mike and we talked about it a lot but there's cases spiking over here and then you look at where the case is going up it's the entire bottom of the country everything below the you know Mason Dixing Equator it's really getting rough and I'm supposed to be at side splinters the end of July but

Florida's spiking Becky owns there now or was there this past weekend I'll talk to him but I don't know what to think is you don't want to be a spreader it's not just about us getting sick I feel healthy whatever but I don't want to be given it's ever at every Tom Dick and Harry and Larry and Susan that's how I feel like I'm a queef so I just assume that I can't get it and I'm like I think I had it in February I'm immune it's it's like chicken pox you know but you never know if you got it in your in your ball sack and then you shoot a load on to a dinner tray and then they get it so you got to be careful I guess and but

it's just so fun being on a week a road weekend like I did some guys podcast where you drink whiskies and it's called a shit whiskey knee brothers maybe that's it something like that and it was great and I'm hanging out with the openers Zide and Andrew Youngblood and we got lunch after at a diner and it's like those things about the road you know where you're like oh the show's at seven tonight you got a race home from the restaurant take a shower look at your notes real quick and run to the club and you go out after the bars and you see all the local guys and they come to the show and that's the stuff that you

missed the most that you forgot about because in your head you're like going down to the improv got a got a workout set out got to figure it out I'm a rusty here we go but it's all those little things where you forget about the Rona for eight seconds and you live in a life again right yeah nice the thing I miss the most right now is the actual performance I like the connection of on stage and expressing yourself and getting those laughs and I actually do miss the meet and greet as much as we talk about it yes it's nice to have see people's faces and the joy and you kind of connect with the fact that they just

really enjoyed the show and they go that was awesome we love you we listen you whatever I do miss that because electronically it doesn't quite have the same pop you know I just missed the show as I miss getting up there and working it out it's a beautiful thing and and you're scared again like you know it's that thing where it's four o'clock and you go huh the shows in three hours so the shows in two hours and you just start thinking about it and you get in your head again where it's before it was like I got two shows tonight fuck now it's we got two shows tonight what are we gonna do and it's way more it's way

more fear-inducing than it used to be before was almost a nuisance now it's like how am I gonna get through this how am I gonna do 45 minutes I'm doing 45 on the penny right yeah boy I do miss it but I keep wanting to work and I talked to my agent and he's just like I don't know I mean they got a spike over there and a spike over here right the crowd is only 50% you're gonna be working for less money and risking this and whatever but it's like he said I got comics from all over texting are you going back to work I don't know what you're going back to work and right it's funny how insecure all these comics are cut comics in

their 50s are just like what what are you doing should I do what you do and yeah that's how we check we all check in with each other and yeah it's it's it's nice to be here I will say the plane don't freak out about the plane the plane is the the the best part like there's no one on there you got your mask on the the stewardess has got the mask on the guy and the other rose got a mask on and it's recycled air but I think it's I think it's all right yeah I read a thing that said flying is not as bad as people think because they clean the fuck out of everything and then they said just leave your vent on your overhead vent the whole

time because it's blowing tits on your ass sure so yeah it said leave that on wipe everything down if you have to but they also say it doesn't live on surfaces so I don't know what the fuck but I did hear that planes aren't quite as dangerous as we think leave your mask on leave your vent on yes so here's something I wanted to bring up to you I don't know if you've ever done this but I forgot to say I went to Cape Cod with the lady and we got pretty bored out there and her dad's like this you know nice you know dad type dude he's got a high jeans on and a couple of penny loafers and he goes you ever play golf

and I got you know I don't know how to play I play putt putt and he goes we should go hit a few balls at the driving range and I was like I've never held a golf club in my life unless I was swinging at a intruder or something and he was like I'll teach you and it was you know whatever somebody offers you some crazy thing my first instinct is go no thank you that sounds like work I'm good but I just had this this queef up my dick hole and I was like fuck it let's go so we went to the backyard and he pulls out a wood and an iron and a boner and he goes all right let's hit these ping pong balls so I look like a fucking

special needs kid I'm swinging it wrong and I got my elbows bent to my head up with my back arched and my tits out and I got pretty good like I'm pretty good but I got it down and then we hightailed over the driving range had a plan I mean I'm hitting these things off into creation and I hit a pond and I hit a kid and it was great oh well first of all driving range when I was a teenager that's all we ever did I mean that was like one of the main thing I mean I grew up in the suburbs and that was like one of three things you could do and a lot of the driving ranges were also batting cages so you'd hit the driving

range then you go to the batting cage you go to the batting cage you go to the driving range and what's funny is I never thought this was weird I went to the driving range for years before I ever golfed like you know you golf and I'm like no I just go to the driving range people thought that was crazy right I always thought a driving range is like its own standalone activity totally the golf is a commitment it takes hours you're on a trail you get lost you're in a cart you know it's a bit of I'm losing I keep hitting the ball into the woods in the water and then you're losing your ball yes whereas a driving

range you're just hitting the balls everywhere right yeah driving range was a thing we'd do a couple times a week back when I was a teen but yeah golfing is like the funnest I fucking love golf I'm a golf guy so fun and you know I always thought because I'm from the inner city so golfing to me was like khaki pants polo shirt saddle shoes and some guy named Phil Mickelson or whoever the fuck you know with a sweater vest on so I always put it over there and then you show up to the driver everybody's got a beer in their hand it's a bunch of guys in shorts and it was it was free and easy and fun not free but like you're

free you're free to roam right to roam and you buy a bucket of balls have a couple beer it was the best day of my life no it's a great activity yeah people have that weird thing about golf like that's professional golfers right it would be like if you were like hey we're getting the gang together we're gonna play football and you were like oh I gotta get a helmet and knee pads and you know get a tattoo and yeah we're gonna get 60,000 people together like you're like no we're gonna play fucking flag football whatever the fuck yeah no golf is like the funnest you smoke a cigar a bat and yeah I mean I used to get hammered

out there drive those carts around you do weird shit you do a wheelie I mean my uncle Dale and I have flipped golf carts and shit it was fun oh that's a great time and it's so laid back like you hit a few balls you sit on the bench you watch your friend hit a few balls and I'm taking photos of them and everything it was it was awesome I'm gonna try to do that at Chelsea Peers when that opens yeah I mean it costs a million dollars the front place to golf is in LA the Los Feliz swingers golf course it costs like nine yeah it's a little nine hole pitching putt it's amazing I go every time I go there can you drive them or is

it all pitching putt it's all pitching putt that's why they call it a pitching putt all right but I want that range well that's fun also I'm just saying next here in LA you want a golf boom boom because it takes an hour and a half and it costs you 10 bucks but no golfing is the best I use when I was drinking though I was like by the 11th hole you're like fuck this right that's the only golf problem you get tired you're like fuck I don't want a golf anymore I just want to smoke a cigar and booze well they say you're walking like seven miles it's like Jesus or Moses to the desert it's just hot you know you're on your feet the

whole time you got a bag on your back unless you know a black guy it's brutal only an asshole fucking walks when he golfs though oh really cart all right you got to get you bump into those walking guys you're like what do you think you're better than me fuck you I mean I hate the walkers no one likes the walkers they take forever white walkers and the funnest part is the driving you try to scoop a guy up you got to jump on the car as you whiz by you try to hit the other guy then you loosen the strap on the back so when they pull away the golf club spill out classic move this is great yeah go golfing is the funnest so fun I'm

I'm into it and I put a I put a story of me swinging on Instagram and I got 8,000 view fucking suck kill yourself boy that's the worst former ever seen you would have got scoliosis you chuch oh yeah it's everyone wants to tell you how you can't do anything without everyone telling you what to do it's why I'm trying to get away from this social media it's destroying our skulls yes yes so you mentioned getting shit housed on the on the course so I don't know what got into me but I think it's the quarantine and the time alone and the the gayness but Ari Shafir hits me up on Thursday so I'm leaving Houston on Friday morning to

go to Houston the whole thing Ari Shafir hits me up at noon on Thursday and goes I got nothing to do today what are you doing I said I got nothing I'm leaving for Houston tomorrow in the morning he goes let's get a drink I go fuck it's noon the sun's out he's Jewish let's do it so we I meet him in the village the East Village we go by a margarita we're walking around one of the great things about the pandemic very lax on open container in this town oh yeah the rules have changed out here they don't give a shit and so one margarita now we get to now we're on our third we walk into some garden you know there's those weird

gardens in the East Village that like are they public are they private I don't know yeah we walk we walk into some garden now we're just talking comedy we're screaming like you fucking like that guy that guy suck you know going back and forth and some guy like this hippie-dippy guy's like hey you guys wanna chill the fuck out like this is a zen garden and you guys are saying you know slurs over here and we're like oh sorry and then he goes well while you're here can you help me rearrange the garden what so we're kind of like but you know Ari Ari's half in the bag and he's 98 years old he's like I would love to do

that I haven't gotten any exercise and he's all into stupid weird shit he's open-minded so now we're moving barrels and rolling over buckets and then replanting we got our hands dirty oh wow that sounds great it was alright but it was one of those can we leave now can we leave now and so finally we leave we had more bars more benches more walking more talking and he calls DeRosa DeRosa goes come over so now we go to DeRosa's house in the village and he's got booze over there and we go at it with DeRosa now before I know it's like 2 a.m. I got a flight at 8 Jesus it was like the old days and I realized like how reckless we

used to be and I was like what am I doing here and I got back home and the ladies like what are you what the hell's going on you reek of you smell like whiskey and this and that and I was like it's tequila and then that alarm just be be be be be you get two seconds of sleep you get on the flight brutal flight brutal oh was it full or just quiet what are we talking well here I pulled a list so I'm hungover I'm in the uber on the way to LaGuardia and I'm going let me check the app by visions blurry I'm shitting blood and I go alright I'm in seat 22b let me see what happens if I push seat 11a which is comfort mm-hmm

it says no no problem zero dollars all right so I go I crank up to 11a I get through security there's no line it's a breeze over there at the airport now and I get to my seat nice aisle seat I got a lady on the window nice middle seat open the whole back of the plane is pretty empty and then this guy's coming down big fat guy like a Michael Moore John Goodman Ralphie May motherfucker and I'm like oh shit and he walks right by me whoo but then here comes but 10 baby tumbo this is the biggest black guy you've ever seen he's got to be seven foot eight huge arms wide shoulders sits down in the middle seat oh middle seat

during corona come on I know and he's he you can tell he was like a late addition like he just barely made it on the plane he bought his ticket two seconds ago and they just threw him in the middle and I'm talking his arms are on every armrest on the whole row he's got his feet out he's got he's got a man spread like you wouldn't believe and I'm like what the fuck I look in the back of the plane there's nobody there so I go I'm just gonna sit in the back and I get up and sit in another seat and though the stewardess goes that you can't do that for some reason with corona and I was like well what's to do

here there's nobody here she's like yeah yeah you can't do it so I had to sit next to this guy for five four hours it was the longest flight of my life Jesus that sounds strange what a Delta what are they doing I thought people weren't selling the middle seat and all this shit which must be spacing out or distancing whatever well it was American maybe that's the rub American I hate those Americans I mean this dude was huge these feet were this big and I couldn't believe it was like out of a comedy movie like here comes a Shaquille O'Neal coming down oh there's Bo Jackson everybody watch out and then man that

guy took up every year I was I was up on the up in the aisle armrest like this brutal it brought me right back to like the old road days I'm like I've been preferred here how'd I get fucked and preferred oof it's so strange to hear anything airport and checking the app because it's been so distant out of my mind yeah yeah so if I'm getting Corona it's gonna be on this trip because the drinking all night with Ari no sleep eight I took two I had two flights because I had a layover and then like ten baby tumbo he's got something and then and then I've just been boozing it up and in Houston and doing two shows a night so

if I'm gonna get it this is it all right well be careful out there you heard of his folks and it's so weird about Ari because Ari and Bob Kelly and Sarah and I are going camping tomorrow what and he's given me all this shit he's like nervous he's like a different guy he's like I don't know if I want to rent a car I don't know how we're gonna get up there I don't want to get in an Uber and he's like a nervous Nellie which is so interesting because people bust my balls about anxiety Ari particularly and something bad happens now Ari's just all change he's usually the mushroom free spirit free thinking guy and he's

like I'm not taking an Uber I can tell you that I'm like what are you talking about yeah there's a plastic divide you keep the windows down it's one guy Uber's great he's got a mask on he's got gloves on Ari had he purelled his asshole after every time we sat down he purelled his eyeballs if he saw something weird I mean he was he was all over the map with the with the hygiene and I'm like we're getting hammered on the streets of New York City we're going to Zerosa's shit box like you're fucked man this purel's not gonna save you weird yeah it's weird to kind of hear him talking like that about I don't know if

I want to do this and I don't know if I want to do that and it's totally weird it's it's so unlike him but he's a he's I have a theory that people even out you know he's his freewheeling flip phone I live in China for six weeks and fuck a dog and then when the pandemic hits he's like if you don't wear a mask your fucking asshole he was flipping out people not wearing masks and shit I was like this is a new side of you yeah interesting it's funny because I feel like I've zenned out during this like I'm an anxious guy a paranoid about this and I got hypochondria this happened and now I feel like it's all fine it's

groovy man right right so crisis is treating me well yeah you seem when I even kilter well I feel great well all I do is meditate and read all day now before I was running around with my my asshole on fire and my dad blowing me and everything was scary but now there's so much downtime I don't have to worry about making a flight I don't have to worry about performing and meeting and greeting and the alarm clock going off and this and that and so I've just been sitting here all introspective and you know having sex and connecting with my wife and whatever the fuck yeah and we had a great time yesterday Sarah and I

went we met up with Katie Hannigan our pal yes Vecchione who they're an item he's out in Tampa side splitters getting corona and heckled probably oh yeah and so the three of us walked and we were like we got this place sunny side gardens we go to every couple days and she's like I'd like to go there so we walked all the way out there beautiful day 80 degrees masks on whatever and we went through these secret beautiful gardens had some nice convo and then Sarah and I came back here I ordered a pizza I'm saying fuck the reflux I'm not even worried about that shit anymore yeah just eating pizza got an ice cream we

watched all the nonsense on the telly we laughed about it and it's been quite delightful yeah look at you you're meditating you're reading you're eating you're in a garden you're yeah you're fucking I might never I might never go back it's scary man I tell you when you have a flight I think it's part of why I got shit-faced because all the anxiety of the flight and the gigs and the new material like I think I got drunk just to kind of suppress that a little bit but I don't know you got to face reality the booze is not it's not your friend but no but haha it's I mean next time you get back on a plane it's gonna it ain't gonna

be autopilot no pun intended it it feels definitely like how do I do okay oh are we early are we late did I bring my my my razor my tampon you know it it's scary again no it's strange to think about cuz like I said I've talked about before but like September through December I flew every single week both ways I mean it's like yes so many flights and I'm just hoping Delta keeps my status they said they would and I got a couple thousand dollars with the credits because I didn't take there's like 20 flights I didn't take so ah but it is weird to even think about the idea of getting on a plane right now yeah yeah

totally shit what was I gonna say yet something with the garden the Zen I can't remember god damn it oh I got it speaking as then so I want to give a shout out to this guy I couldn't do the meet and greet so I had the you know the manager comes in yellow come into the green room there's a guy out here he said he's got something to give you and I was like oh great he's gonna give me corona but that's always a risky thing you know but I was like yeah fuck it I go outside huge Tuesday nicest guy in the world hands me a big jar of shrooms oh so I don't know the guy's name but I gotta give a shout out to that guy good egg

good god love you thank you for the shrooms I can't wait to take them and Lord knows we need them now more than ever yeah I just rewatched the Bill Hicks documentary for the first time in a couple years we were texting and it's all about the show that that movie really makes you want to do some mushrooms it's a real mushroom movie oh yeah what a fine artist great film good stuff and it was inspiring but it was making me want to go do stand I wrote like several pages in my notebook for the first time in a while I know you said some of the bits you got some some killer stuff there and we're all we're all excited to hear it

and it's fun getting back man but it still doesn't feel the same because you know it it could go away any moment or it's still like a pandemic II vibe in the air but boy it's cathartic it's it feels good yeah I gotta get I'm trying to figure out where I can do a seven I did that one set on the back of a truck and that was nice so it's got yeah a little bit of a spark so trying to figure some stuff out we'll get there we'll get there folks and we're gonna get there together hit the patreon tell a friend let's let's build the Tuesday army we love you we need you and get a shirt and tell a friend and queef it up yeah get

some merch check out the merch and yeah hit the patreon because there's a lot of great stuff on there that you might be missing out on live episodes the first 150 episode 177 episodes we're breaking down sets you get the video early a lot of stuff and you can join for four five bucks ten bucks whatever you want so go do that please yes here here here here be queer and fuck a steer yeah steers and queers and we're all out of queer whatever that line is but alright well and stay safe everybody you know be safe do what you do make your choices live your life be nice be kind please rewind and thanks for listening we love you yeah

take care comb your hair praise Allah I'll see you buddy parts tips see later