Tuesdays with Stories! - #356 High Spirits

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Holy moly, it's another great ep this week as Mark takes the hog for a spin before trying to decipher a mystery street confrontation while Joe goes camping with Sarah, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir. Check it out! Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) & Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing hey here we are folks what are you what a week what a time to be alive what a time to be depressed it is a Thunderdome out there yeah thanks sir things are

kooky no question about it yeah I got back from Houston they shut down the flights the next day I had to cancel my Greenville gigs I'm supposed to be in Greenville right now oh yeah but you can't come back they don't they you come back and they stick you in a cage with some kids yes they put you in a coffin they hammer it shut and throw you out into the river but I'm bummed I hate canceling but I think I think it's bad if I if I cancel it's bad yeah I just canceled the sign splitters officially because well they got this quarantine I don't want to I don't want to do a gig and then have to stay in my house for two

weeks sure and if those are the rules I want to I want to live by the rules I don't want to be the fucking asshole who's like ah fuck you it doesn't apply to me you know I don't want to be a super douche right so I had to move it to March it's getting moved to March but I have to say there's part of me and I'll catch flag but it doesn't matter now because I'm off a Twitter which is the best I took Twitter off my phone which is the best move I've ever done in my life wow congratulations fatty that is not easy well I've gone on via the internet just the internet explorer whatever the fuck just to Twitter.com

just to fire off a tweet and then I don't check anything about it that's the move it's not easy but that's the move but so I'm gonna get shit for this but I have to say right now I my ego I got some pride in this New York is back we're in phase two I'm eating a restaurant I got my haircut and Texas and Florida and these red states that were like oh you got a mask they're all exploding with cases they're shooting up and they're trying to do well it's cuz we started testing fuck you this shit works every scientist is saying it and our cases in New York have plummeted and the reason we had them was because we're an

international city with fucking subways and the reason you got them is cuz you're just ignoring science and doctors and your bunch of chuches and you're going to all the shit and fuck your mothers in the ass cuz we're back baby and I gotta say NYC it looks like Florence out there every every table is full there's string and lights there's a big fish coming out on a tray and the waiters got the white white lab coat going I mean it's beautiful in the village oh I'm loving it I mean we went to a restaurant the other day and sat and the lady came out and I mean I was jerking off under the table yes what do

you have and I'm like I got my finger up my ass that's what I have that's the special of the day anal du jour but I was in a story yesterday I went to help Salak use do some moving and we didn't hit me up you come to the neighborhood you don't say hello well he was in a time crunch it was we dropped off a couch we got a bite and we high-tailed it out of there oh boy this is this is painful well I'm in the village we drove right to your home I show at your house it wasn't like that I he drove it was his dad's car his dad's gay it was a quick thing we had a we had a falafel and bolted all right well I wouldn't have

mentioned it it could have just said hey it was a risk I know it was a risk mentioning it but here's the thing I fucked up because I got you a half a box of Antoine's over here the best cookies on the planet and some queef fan of ours he he messaged me I'm not gonna give my address but he sent us a poster he wants us both to sign it and he gave us some clams oh I'll take some clams I love a clam I like my wife's clam was on my chin earlier yeah I can smell it through the screen but yeah I should have popped over at Salak you we dropped off like a TV stand and then high-tailed it because he had a Honda

element and it was barely running it's a whole thing but yeah I would would have loved to see you and gotten you to sign that giving you the dough and got you a cookie the cookie dough he sent me a big old batch and I gotta say we talked the other day we did a queef and you were like how about these Antoine's cookies you're texting me and once again I'm like this Antoine I'm gonna have to fly out to Sunnyvale and stick a boot in his ass a good boot evidently I know a bad boot what bad I got I didn't have any cookies oh I'm like Mark's getting all these cookies I got no cookies but then as sure as night follows day most things

I worry about never happened anyway the doorbell rings and there's a pleasant little you know Vietnamese kid handed me a box of cookies sure individually wrapped soft squishy crunchy all kinds of adjectives and Charlie yeah stuck a few of those in my ass and it was nice and Brendan Sagalow came over yesterday I bought a new we got the stimulus package delightful did you get a stimulus pack I don't know I don't think so I got a I got a small package no stimulus well we got a debit card in the mail with a big American flag on it and it said you know congrats from Donald Trump hope to get your vote

or whatever and you know I threw that in the trash but I got a debit card and I'm like a swinging dick out here all right I'm one of these guys now I got my regular bullshit debit card then we get the corporate card and now I got the the the what's it called again stimulus stimulus I'm one of these guys which card I got I got I got oh three card stud over here I know you fan them out you got a diners club a whole food I've been there yeah it's exciting so I bought a new smooth a ninja when I did the Louis tour in 2016 every green room had a big ninja yes you stick all your veggies and your dildos in there and your cookie dough

yes that was the first purchase I made when I started making some money was a ninja yeah loving it that's the way is it still at 99 99 what's that mean not the price oh no it came down a little bit this was a I brought a brand new one 89 something okay look at that Kobe prices so I bought one that was 2016 mid 2016 and I use it every single day so we're starting to get a little gunk and some fog on there and I wash it but it's still had a couple chunks in there and I noticed the blades were a little little dull mmm it's inevitable so I call up a big old sagalow and I said hey you need some healthy foods in your asshole and I

said you want to take this off your hands and then he admitted later he had to text Mike Cannon and be like what do you think of the ninja commando eight and canons like you need that take that wow so he came by I gave him that got the new one here it's very exciting so I'm sure he'll never use it but it felt good to pass it on yeah he'll put a s'more in there and a peanut butter cup and a scoop of a mint chocolate chip but those things are great but they do they do wear out but here's the clinker with those things they're a bitch to clean and you got to keep buying the fruit and the veggie and the anal and then the and the

jizz and it's a whole thing I sound like Cosby there but you got to keep buying everything and then your fridge is full of that then you got the ninja like fucking I'm buying a smoothie I don't want to deal with this well the other thing is to you run out of the things at different times yes I like this is my my smoothie is an almond milk a spinach a banana a blueberry okay that's my mix that's my mix but all of a sudden you get you tub a spinach and I jam a ton of spinach in there I take green shits as you know you're like Popeye but sometimes I get the green business in there a nice banana no blueberries and

sometimes there's no banana and banana is the most crucial it gives it the creamy creaminess it's the backbone yeah exactly yes and so anyways I got a new one of those I got a new tea kettle too it's one that you set the temperature because green tea is supposed to be 175 so you can pick the temp right and you see the spout on this thing it's sexy it's a long curvy spout oh I'm a spout size queen so I like that what dad do I get one of these how do I get a package I have no idea just showed up I think the Altman's are therapists what are the fuck financial what do you call them CPA yeah what's it

called accountant accountant yes our accountant Dracula he did something I don't know it said it was addressed his name was on the little letterhead so he fingered it out you should be getting one of these it might have been a direct deposit ah the old DD designated driver you know me I like to I like to play the game if it's a stimulus package I'll stimulate bring it on fatty I'll take it yes stimulate on my face I'm with you so I'm stimulating I bought a we bought a desk and a tea kettle and a smoothie maker and a prostitute and a Russian bride no Trump so it's exciting yeah boy you could spend money that's a quality

you have well I liked it well especially if it's free money I mean well sure I'm not complaining I'm just saying like you ever seen Brewster's millions we could do list millions and you would be cleaning up but I'm also careful I got a nice little nugget I'm not I'm not in I'm no I'm no Louie aha like you go buy a tuba it'd be out of money I mean like he's just like you gotta spend all your money he's one of those nuts right money's not real it's all liquid baby you're like I shut up I'm in debt exactly money's like air and you're like okay sure right so I save some I spend some but you gotta live your

life you're gonna have fun but I am trying to have less things right here here I'll tell you what these the podcasting there's too many wires I know I know it's brutal I'm plugged in the wall then I got the mic wire then I got the computer plugged in my assholes plugged into the generator it's all over the place yeah it's a lot of stuff so anyways it's been nice I bumped into Vita yesterday I've seen Vita a couple times and it's nice to see people got a haircut and you know yeah I'm with you on the on the things because we're we're moving out me and the lady are moving to a you know we're moving up

town baby next stop Potter'sville and you don't realize how many trinkets and nuggets and twinks and kooks you got around here you got little vials of this and a little little pamphlet of that and mine comps over here then I got a you know a dildo here it's like all these little things you accumulate over years at chap sticks and double a batteries and a swastika it's just crazy and you're like what am I doing here why do I have all this and I can't throw it away it's this weird catch 98 where I'm like I don't need this but I'm like I can't just throw this in the garbage it's a d-cell battery that's what's nice about

something that still works and that's what's nice about young poor chubby comics is you go hey do you need a record player do you need a remote but you buy it's so fascinating the buying things and then a year later you're like I don't want this right right I as you know I bought a ps4 I got a wild hair inside of my asshole and because we were playing Nintendo and loving it but I didn't realize the pleasure of the Nintendo was the memory of playing Nintendo nostalgia so then I bought a ps4 it's got 78 buttons I've haven't played a video game in two full years we use it as a DVD player and even then it's

mostly streaming anyways so I barely use the thing I got two remotes and every once in a while I'll take a photo of my TV screen saying oh this movie and people like hey the ps4 I knew you were a nerd and I'm like I've never played the thing ever in my life I don't know anything about video games right right it's so true can I just say that I'm a little annoyed at old saggy titzalo because he he questioned you on the on the the ninja take the fucking ninja it's the best thing you own what are you kidding you had an abortion three weeks ago take the blender well he's from Long Island he wears shirts with no sleeves he

doesn't know what a ninja blender is well he knows what a ninja is and I if I know a guy from the burbs they love ninjas they all have a sword and a case and a throwing star up their ass take the fucking blender well I'm sure it's just straighten out a crooked table at his house now he's not using that but I'll use the blades to cut himself he's emo but right here I emo Phillips hopefully a great comic favorite cities Dayton side note I knew he was weird but Jesus very strange but anyways yeah we got all kinds of things but it is amazing I've even had this where you go through the drawers and everyone's while you

donate clothes which feels good yes I've done it where you go through you take inventory you're like I don't need this I've never worn that fuck that and then three months later you do it again and you're like I don't need this I thought three months ago I want that and then you realize it's like that Todd Barry joke I think it's an actual method of something some kind of lady that minimalist lady aha is like you put a shirt in inside out in the drawer or something you put it upside down or you Marie Kondo yeah yes if you find it and it hasn't been touched you don't need it right something like that if you leave

it in there for six months you haven't used it you go I don't need this well geez I guess I don't need my kid never been touched yeah I feel like that I mean not a joke but like kids are scary because you have a kid that a weekend you go it's crying a lot of shitting itself it's got a tiny dick I don't want this thing yeah there's a lot of things like that that's what's amazing it's an amazing thing about like this podcast or comedy things that stay steady yes because how many times have you written three pages of a novel and been like I'm an author baby I got a new book I mean in March I was 48 pages into a biography I

sent it to my age my agent had it my agent what I'd love to read this 48 pager and then it was a cold day when I shit in that stiletto I mean I mean I had a book agent I talked I tell you this no this is all news to me fatty lay it on me who are you Chaucer oh god well I started writing my memoir because early on you gotta have shit you gotta have the thing happen you gotta get molested or kill a kid what do you have in a memoir what are you kidding I mean we have every week we do an hour podcast I guess you're right but nobody wants to hear about us at the Rochester zing house I mean I think I think you're

wrong all right we got sixty eighty thousand listeners I mean half of them think I'm a cuck liberal fag and they fast forward through me talking but whatever another half at least a quarter of them don't read also so that's true that's too because Tuesday's don't read but in your books but any jizz so I started writing the thing because it was winter and it was the winter of my years I lit a candle and I was just writing down there sure fast and furious and I sent it to you know a certain somebody another somebody people have written books I'll just say that oh boy they were like this is good stuff and they

gave me notes and and red lines and I put in the necessary changes what and then I sent it to my manager an agent and they put me in touch with a literary agent and I talked to this literary agent and she really gave me the goods she's like this sounds great and I pitched it and she was like this sounds amazing and yada yada and I really was like I'm gonna be a book I'm gonna I'm a book guy wow I'm gonna be here I'm gonna be an Arthur so the next Brad Garrett with that thing I sent it finally I write all this stuff I sent it off to the lady who was couldn't have been nicer and she reads it calls me back a couple

weeks later and this is where it all comes apart I mean boy you know us with our fragile egos and whatever she's like I'm just gonna start by saying this and right there I was like Larry David right when she said that I was like that's it I'm out yeah no need say no more all I needed was that like alright I'll start by saying this and I was like I'm fucked and she's like you're an excellent writer just really good on the page and really interesting that's nice and then the next nine minutes was like a roast I mean it was it was you don't know what a vowel is you got too many commas you don't know the difference in apostrophe

she's like you're all over the place like this story led to that she's like I don't even know what you're doing with this it's hard to tell what you're thinking she's like it was like being stabbed in the tits with a pen knife right right really good ugly pen is better than the sword but it's tough because they know they know they that's like in the in the let you down easy handbook start with a compliment and then shit right in their mouth that's how you get a bump on board with a nice we had to be separated my manager was like Earl Weaver my manager was holding me back and it was ugly but you know how

this is what's so great about comedy is with comedy you write a joke you go do the show you say the joke if they laugh you tell it again if they don't laugh you make some adjustments but with a book you spend nine months working on the thing and then you send it to somebody and they're like piece of shit right yeah fuck that so can I what was the hook I mean what was the twist book book well what was the what was the turn what was the angle what was the premise well that was the issue I didn't really have that it was just but the thing was I got you know stories from childhood there's anxiety there's therapy there's alcoholism

there's herpes there's stand-up comedy there's heartbreak and recovery and all that shit you got a lot I mean you had a one woman show for a while I mean you've got a narrative cooking yeah that was essentially it was the one lady show but that was good didn't now thanks well didn't didn't work out so I'm not a book guy what wait what are we doing and then I realize this is the book yes the book is the podcast here here I'm with you I'm a ghost writer yes well hey it was a valiant effort I'm impressed you even went down that road you're like Hemingway over here just don't kill yourself but it's good to have you back on the the

scumbag dirt ball degenerate crew but now we got no there's no gigs I mean the gigs are dropping off like flies so I don't know what's what here it's tough out there for a chuch we're trying to make it work canceling a gig killed me I was gonna meet up with Chris Al we were gonna do some black people stuff and talk and all that and I don't know it's all been rescheduled but who knows when everything's gonna catch on fire again and flame up and spike or peak or tweak so yeah we're back to square giz here well maybe if some people would just you know take some precautions hang out outside wear a mask and stay a few feet

apart when they're intermingling with strangers yeah well the thing is you're never gonna queef on everybody cuz like I got a buddy he's all into the COVID stuff he wears the mask he yells at everybody and yet he won't eat in the street because he's like well now you got cars going by now you're absorbing exhaust and food particles and pigeon jizz and and fish come and all this stuff and he's like that's gross too so you're like oh we're all so happy about that but then he makes a decent point about the particles oh I don't care about the particles and particles well but that's the particles and the particles

that's just for your own benefit I don't want to be near a car the other shit is to protect the other people aha it's out of consideration right right if I get sick you know I'll puke on my shoes and take a couple naps but you know if my mother gets sick forget it my dad will never talk to me again yeah and there is something going down with the the porkers I gotta say a friend of mine he's a he's a dear friend he's a big beefcake he's a he's a heavy set husky cunt and he's got the COVID oh boy yeah that that it it's a chubby chaser this COVID is he is he dying is he sick is he sneezing cuz some people you know they

blow their nose twice and it's over yeah now he's he's he's a large cat and he went to the hospital he said it was hell on earth he said the breathing was an issue and it hurts to breathe and the fever and a body aches and he said it was about four days of hell and he's finally coming out of it wow yeah I don't know what to think is Robert Kelly obviously a big guy he's got the antibodies he sniffles for a few days yeah and he seems to be fine so I've heard the blood type thing it has to do with your blood type or your senior type and I don't know how to find out my blood type yeah yeah that's tough I don't either I think you

get tested for that or you take an IQ test or blood brothers blood bath I don't know be negative menstruation who knows but I gotta I gotta run a few things by but should we should we talk about an ad or is it too early no I don't think it's too early I mean there's never too early to talk about these folks well I gotta throw out this one I love this group I think they're one of the best I use them every night feels everybody F E A L S do you experience stress have anxiety chronic pain or have trouble sleeping once a week you're not alone folks many of us do I take this stuff comes in a little vial it with a drop or just a

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could hook it up like Antoine's yeah send it over I put a little feels on my chocolate chip and take the whole thing down I like I'm gonna have some of the chocolate chips as soon as we're done with this episode treat myself and by the way this episode is also brought to you by Raycon now that everyone is cooped up at home using earbuds has become an essential service drown out the sounds of those roommates girlfriend or fireworks or what have you with Raycon everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds cans Raycons are awesome they sent us some a while back and I use them I run every day now I've been running

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are grateful for the sponsors so please support the people that support the show it helps us out it helps you out it helps them out and you know spread it around use that stimulus package yeah pack it right in my pooper and I got so many things to run by it maybe I should save some some are juicy some are slimy and some are squirters I'll take whatever you feel surprise me all right well go in chronological or here so did a gig in Houston you know a couple days ago got back on Monday flight was delayed three hours what are you gonna do it's it's the dark ages I'm not complaining but finally landed in New

York got your eight million dollar Uber back to my apartment and I always have this fear about the hog I don't know what it is I don't own a lot of big items you know we live in New York nobody's got a car nobody's got a boat nobody's got a doghouse we got an iPhone and a laptop and you know a dildo so I get back into New York and that drive you go through the Holland Tunnel you pull into the West Village and I always go the hogs gonna be stolen the hogs gonna be towed the hogs gonna be pushed over the hogs gonna be breed on wrong scratched it could get touched you know whatever you can shit on it thank you so

pulling up you turn on my street and I go here it comes that I look out that window and there it is the hog and all its glory now that sounds good but I got motorcycle cover on that bitch it's gone the hog in broad daylight the sun is beaming off this poor guys he's gonna get cancer oh he's unprotected yes no condom no mask no diaphragm and I'm like who steals over a bike cover I mean someone with a bike I guess I go up to it I like well maybe it got fondled or or molested or something the bikes in ship shape I think somebody even cleaned it but the covers off covers gone I walked around the block I did an APB

calling all covers well we're missing a gorilla nothing hmm my favorite cover all along the watchtower Jimi Hendrix well somebody Jimmy'd me right in the pooper because this thing is is gone with the wind and it's just vexing you know I already bought a new one it's 20 bucks who gives a shit but it's just who takes a cover it's it's your brain is going badonka dunk and you just can't figure it out so let me ask this there's no you can't tie the cover from the inside to the handlebars before you pull it over now that wouldn't make sense I guess you could cure the cover no it's got a little clippy that you you put

around it like a baby and a stroller and a car kind of thing but you can just unclip I guess I could put a lock on the clip but nobody does that I mean there's a zillion covers all over the island I guess that's why they're so easy to steal it's almost like they're basketball nets people always steal a basketball net that's true yes they're like it's there and I'll take it I'll put it on my hoop exactly how you gonna claim that net they all look the same same with a cover exactly you know what I should do is I should write like black lives matter or out to lunch or queef something big bold spray paint

right on that cover so I know it's mine or maybe a MAGA like the like the Larry David no they might take a dump on it or something oh what's a MAGA cover good point good point yeah village anyway certainly there's 43 million people that would like it right right damn well maybe something to personalize it or just like a big dick in balls or something yeah I'm thinking queef it up or that's lunch yeah something so even if somebody sees the cover in in the Bronx they'll go I guess Norman lives here right so as it has it turned up or anything nah that's gone it's it's come out like a gay guy in the 80s and it's out there Jerry

it's gone yeah you need to cover cuz you don't want I mean the summer I guess is the better time to have it be gone but you don't that faded you ever see this like there's like a we were just walking by like a store and all the windows shit like a dollar store where it's just like tied and the time is like a light pink now it looks right ghetto it does the Sun really wears on yet nobody thinks about it cuz it's just it's just there every day it's so gradual but you leave a He-Man doll out in the Sun for two weeks and leave a He-Man doll in a temperature controlled closet and it's gonna it's gonna show about it's gonna look like

Skeletor at the end hey man lived his whole life in the closet those pants aren't fooling me that was a beauty yeah so that's just one of those things so last night it's weird how when you have a set back it makes you realize like well I gotta use this hog more I you know it could gotten stolen so it makes you like appreciate it more and so I put the lady on the back of that thing last night and she hung on to my bits and titties and we drove around Tribeca hit the water and we had a couple of beers in us it was no helmet it was beautiful that sounds that sounds pleasant I was seeing the there's the blue the revels yes the blue

revels which seems nice too but that helmet the shared helmet seems tough I don't want any of that no nice yeah speak of the revel I'm with you that's no good but I think it's better to get the city license crack that head like an egg yeah you don't want the head crack that's no good but it's cute with a gal on the back of your on the back of your hog because you can feel her cans on your back and she's like every time you swerve she's like oh my god you feel like James Dean for a second you know minus the car crash well it's one of the few chances to be the little spoon that's true that's not and that's the

better spoon let's be honest oh yeah no doubt about it just it's good she doesn't have a you know spear to penetrate me with no I mean that might be fun too don't you think the worst part of being pegged or pegging is afterwards when you have to go back to communicating yeah no doubt about it like I mean dishwasher safe or are you watching Ozark what are you doing I mean like in the middle of it sure you got a hard on she's got a wet on or whatever they get and it's just a nice pounding but then afterwards I mean you got to figure out what to eat I mean that's yeah insane I know that's bro I mean it's conversations tough enough

already but now with a pegging it's it's doubly awkward yeah same with threesome wife swap all that stuff is just that that post if you you need the men in black fucking neuralizer yes you need a neuralizer because if I had a neuralizer I'd be getting pegged every morning right would you be like why is my poo falling directly out of my anus well I don't know I neuralize her I'll remember I don't mind remembering I'm like yeah I know what's up you got a lot of her then the conversation go back to normal I'll be limping and crying but yeah that the tough part about pegging to is you have a boner so your boner is just going out

into nothing negative space so it almost looks like the peg is coming out of you that makes sense a little bit I mean the peg is going in and out like it looks like you're shitting the peg well it looks like the peg is going so far in because it's just so odd the guy getting railed having a boner going into nothing so you're just like and then you got a boner shooting out into the wind and it's not going into anything well there's two boners there's fake boner going in and regular boner stay and put yeah yeah but it's just it just put out into the world it just feels so unused to me yeah I mean I imagine she's put out

too she doesn't want to do all this hip-cracking maybe they do I don't know there's penis envy but I think I think he's wailing on his real boner oh that makes sense I think he's cranking it out and as soon as he blows the pegging has to end because I mean after you come there's no way you still want to get pegged I assume not but can't you have an anal glandular milk in the prostate oral queef something's happening what do you mean like an anal orgasm oh because they should yes they touch the spot the G spot and it makes you automatically come yeah that's that's that's an old wives tale call in if you've been there yeah

I'm not sure the whole thing sounds very strange to me off-putting you know it'd be fun to do is go to like a pegging site and read the reviews oh that's not bad I bet we could find that that might be something for patreon yeah yeah cuz you this one was good but it didn't hit the prostate or this one was not hard enough or this one smells after they something well there's probably places too we're like the SNM or whatever will you go to a place where a woman pegs you ah that you could they could you could review you can check out those reviews cuz I'm sure especially in New York there's places you can go where they

wear leather and they bite your ear and they stick their heels in your ass yeah yeah yeah I think I've played there before yeah alright so that's one nugget let me give you another one sure you're a thinker you're a thoughtful guy let this swirl around and you're noggin for a second cuz I can't crack the code on this puppy and maybe if I give you all the pieces you can get the jigsaw cooking I'm excited I love a good challenge all right all right here we go me and the lady last night out to dinner at one of the beautiful establishments on Hudson Street and it's outdoor and it's dusk and the sun is

setting we got a nice table I see a bunch of teens youths maybe 17 18 Afro Americana children on bikes as you will they're all on bikes little little childhood trauma there but they're circling a fat white guy with a beard older guy probably like 45 50 years old Salacuse now he was a taller bigger full that hair guy looked like he was put together okay and he's on the sidewalk they're on the street directly next to him like shouting stuff to him and he's like nope nope nope and this is like a block back so I'm not gonna have a great shot here but I'm like something's going on right here and the guy is on

the phone so he's calling a popo or an investigator or something and they're going come on man come on man like saying like stop calling the police stop calling the police finally they get off the sidewalk now they're in the middle of the street and they're just all around this one guy and he's holding the phone up like that like can't reach it and one guy's going I'll give you money just giving my phone back I'll give you money just give my phone back he's going nope nope nope nope and I'm like there but this is about to be a melee here this is about to get ugly they're gonna wail on this guy because it's like nine of them

literally and he's going come on man get my phone back and they keep tapping him so he has to keep turning because he's scared of getting he's surrounded so like they keep tapping his back and he's going up and then the cops show up so one guy the guy who kept saying I'll give you money get my phone back he runs and the other kids just jump on the bike and take off the other way because they were like you're on your own dickless well we didn't do anything you did something and then he talks to the cop and then everybody's like what the fuck's going on the restaurant is standing up everybody's facing him everybody's on

board with this it's like a show and this older black guy like a well-to-do ascot you know pocket square one of those black guys with perfectly white hair you know I love those guys yeah like distinguished like a professorial dude he runs over and you know that he's one of these helper guys he runs over and he starts talking to the cops he starts talking to the old white guy and they're they're figuring it out and then he came back and ate an order dinner and I wanted to go what happened you son of an onion talk to me you know Uncle Ben looking small foe give it to me so that was it that's all we got boy this is a

real situation I feel like Costanza I want to get a shoebox and recreate it with Legos and M&M's and stuff yeah I think the M&M is you I mean this is fascinating well it seems to me maybe the only thing I can think is one of the kids had a phone maybe it's a burner phone because they seemed okay with abandoning the phone interesting but they they walked up and took a video yes or a photo and then he took the phone saying you can't video me yes and then they were like give it back and he was like no I don't think so I'm keeping it right right I had a couple of kids a couple whippersnappers one time take a

photo of me outside of Starbucks here in a story and I was like hey you gotta delete that you can't just take photos of people what are you crazy they were young they were like 13 and they were girls and they ended up deleting the photo but I was like which goes to recently deleted so wasn't even deleted but I was like you can't just walk into people and take photos yes so maybe it was something like that or they shot a video and they kicked him from behind something embarrassing he just ripped the phone from their hands yeah which is a ballsy move and I don't care who it is white black gay anal there's nine of you

and then one of you yeah I'm surprised they didn't and these were teenagers yeah yeah then you know they they didn't look menacing but I feel like if there's nine kids on bikes it it's always scary well there's nothing scarier than teenagers no a group about it one teenagers nice and whatever but a great forget it oh yeah and then they got the the hormones and the zits and the semen pumping through them you know they they got things going on physically yeah this is a this is puzzling it's puzzling so I just make laps around the neighborhood now just to get out of the shoebox I live in and the guy owns a restaurant on the corner so I

might go by tonight after having a couple of libations and just go hey man just if you're okay I saw what happened and try to like get a tail out of them yeah that's a good idea do it tonight because we got a record again tomorrow so that might be a nice to be continued yeah I'll come back with the the answer yeah join us next week yeah but yeah that's the only thing I can think of because he had the phone they felt they deserved that phone or had rights to that phone yes he kept saying I'll give you money just give me the phone I'll give you money which is such a weird thing to say the kids were saying that to the adult

yeah it was it was one kid in particular I'll give you money give me the phone and then he's the one who went south and the other guys went north wait maybe they just wanted to use his phone they were that was their game or whatever it was like we need to make a phone cuz I've had that before where people are like I my phone died or whatever it feels scammy yeah I don't know they were just trying to get the phone from him and the phone did belong to him and then they were gonna he's not gonna give his phone to a kid on a bike as a bike as you know can pick up speed pretty fast sure maybe maybe I think I like your first one I

think it was a Karen situation he filming he something with that but again I don't know I I think you had I think you had a close to the first one but hey what the hell do I know and then it's one of those things where I'm gonna go talk to the guy and isn't he's gonna go oh I was that was my ex-boyfriend he brought all his friend you know you never know yeah this is mysterious indeed yes yes very vexing but I'll I'll try to crack the code and I wanted to ask that older black gentleman so bad just like give it to me straight talk to me come on what happened but you know he's eating tuna tartare over there yeah you

gotta be careful these days but I don't know well right in and call in if you have some some thoughts yes I'd like to hear some hypotheses and the lady friend she's been so hooked on the citizen app that we kept checking it every ten seconds like maybe it'll pop up maybe it'll pop up and never popped yeah I figured it would because if he did call the police maybe he didn't he was just threatening to call the police they said the police came they showed they shown they all chatted and and it it ended you know they walked away from it and nobody got a ticket or anything so interesting very interesting and quite a

show we're like just seeing that you know 20 feet away was pretty exhilarating yeah that's exciting it's an exciting time in the city because it feels normal ish right now you know you see the the restaurants everything's a buzz it's beautiful it's nice weather but I'm in a similar spot where it's like you're still just walking there's not really a lot of activities other than walking and maybe sitting outside to eat right right yeah true I mean my street is turning the bourbon street it's I got like eight bars of my street and by five o'clock there's a quite a million a milling milling going on and everybody's

got a cocktail in hand and a flip-flop on and by nine it's you know it's cancun out there yeah same here 30th Avenue in a story is just rocking just piles of people and there's like scaffolding you see drunk guys like doing pull-ups on the thing and then the women are yelling and motorcycles and are you noticing a ton of fireworks I have not heard one but I see on Twitter everybody's yapping about fireworks and I see a lot of motorcycles oh we got nothing but fireworks over every night it sounds like a shooting it's just boom boom boom boom right outside the window for like hours and I guess can you get fireworks on Amazon what is

the uptick in fireworks I don't know maybe people thought corona was about to end and then it didn't so they're like fuck it we're shooting this Roman candle I guess so but yeah it's fireworks central over here but did you ever get into that is it sorry did you ever get into the firework game no never I've never lit one firework ever in my entire life are you serious now I mean like people had them here cuz people in Massachusetts they're illegal so but everyone to New Hampshire my family 4th of July they've been doing their own my brother-in-law and my my father my uncle do their own fireworks display they

spent thousands of dollars and shoot it off in the beach but I was always scared I mean that was a scary activity me lighting a fire and explosion you heard all the wives tales of people blowing off fingers and all the shit and yeah I never did it we had sparklers I mean but I had the neighborhood like my neighbors stuck the fire crack an M80 into a frog's mouth and whatever all that crazy shit yep yep yeah but I never personally was a firework guy all right I mean I think the fear was the the the thrill of it all like we used to shoot those thing we'd go out of the levy and just shoot them at each other and you

have a hole in your shirt from where it hit you I mean it was we were left to our own devices as as youths and looking back I'm surprised I'm alive ever one time I got way too drunk and I kind of blacked out a little bit and I became the target somehow you know like I'm on one side of the street and kind of in this empty lot and my friends are on the other side of the street just shooting things at me and I'm talking you know they're putting a stick in the bottle and then pointing the bottle at me like this shit and I was so drunk I was like nothing matters ah and then one kid threw one big cherry bomb might have told

us before it lands at my feet and I kind of do the hey doesn't go off and I go hey it must have been a dud I go down to pick it up blows up my face just like in the movies and I just heard my ears went out I go well I'm deaf I look like Wiley Coyote my face is black I I was Jimmy Fallon I got cancelled and my beak turned to the back like a daffy duck and I just was like well I'm deaf I have to deal with that and about 10 minutes later I could hear again it was rough I mean we had those kids but I was just not that guy I was like it was to all the stories I took to heart all the things you tell a kid I took as hard and

fast rules like people were like don't the fireworks will get you killed you'll blow your thumbs off you'll shoot your tits off I went all right yeah great I do that and even like even drinking I didn't till I was an adult really I was like sure I'll stay away from that I didn't drink till I was out of high school what and yeah I started drinking October of 2000 I was outside of high school I'm learning a lot about you you got a book deal you're drinking later I feel like you should be wearing a turtleneck and a pipe now I got fired from that the book the book is over that's that's all right Jerry my dreams have been dashed

well we would have lost you if you wrote a book you'd be on a different you'd be on a different pod I feel like I know I'm not a book guy it's ridiculous I don't know what I was thinking but yeah fireworks I was like okay I'm not gonna do that it's same with like smoking cigarettes I was like yeah alright you got it like some things they hit you with so hard this is the thing with drinking they don't hit you with it my family's all drinking right to me I'm like that's fun that's good they're like don't drink and drive yeah or that but even that I ignore it also obviously but a lot of things I'm like you got it

smoking cocaine fireworks all that stuff was like all right sure you say no I won't do that yeah the fireworks were tough cuz they were just right there you know and although I've never done cocaine and that was right there also the snorting got me yeah anything in your nose is ridiculous I can't put something in my nose yeah yeah same same but yeah you're right the drinking it's like fine dining restaurants have beer they have vodka you know it it's so normal well in that one they can tell you whatever they want but you can see them doing it right right I mean I mean you're welcome to say don't drink but then

everyone's drinking and having a great time so you're like nah you're full of shit like my parents never said don't do fireworks and then they were the ones sticking fireworks in a frog's mouth and shooting it sure and having a great time yeah but and the smoking I never I was with you as well I never got into it I tried it once I said this sucks and all my friends parents smoked and it was it was a bummer to be in the car with them and everything stunk and they stunk and they're blowing smoke on you they'd yellow teeth and all that so I was like what's the point what's the upside yeah exactly I saw no upside

other than it looked cool but it does you gotta get this it's a good look yeah Nicholson looked great let me let me tell you a little bit about this camping trip can I switch to camping or is that alright play I'm dying for it I'm trying to fill the the jizz all right yes you're starting to say one other thing though oh uh can't smoking smoking oh it looks cool when you're doing an activity with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth I like that look oh yeah especially with the thing with yes you got that going on I mean I've told the story a million times but Keifer Sutherland in the tucks no jacket

smoking butts while playing pool I mean it's still the horniest I've ever been in my life yeah I don't blame you I'm with you on that one I mean if someone was like you could fuck keifer from that night or you know the entire cast to say by the bell blows you I'd take I'd take duck duck whatever his name is Brown Hollywood what was his name young guns doc octopus dr. Brown it was definitely Dr. Sherwood or Doc oh yeah Doc Holliday no that's a different time a lot of docs back then you notice there's way more docs yeah you're right yeah I worked on the docs I mean Michael Moore makes docs but yeah he needs a

doc isn't it hard to take him serious when he's that grotesque it's a problem yeah he looks like somebody on hoarders and he does and someone's gonna teach him how to wear a hat he's always got the flat billed hat like someone sat on it and sticking over here yes testicle neck yeah he's like here's what we gotta do and I'm like shut up but it's also interesting the guy has like eight trillion dollars isn't that weird too like you look like that you're wearing sweatpants you look like you invented Comic Con and yet you're a should you're a trillionaire yeah and it's just it's it's too much I mean I kind of like the

guy in some ways he's he's likable to me and he's a good filmmaker yeah he's pretty good I mean he's a little preachy but he's not always honest with the filmmaker oh I don't like that there's certain things wrong like that was a little tricky yeah if you ask me but that's a whole other topic that's more of a queef topic I feel like but save it sticking to his looks just goofy I've never seen anyone wear a hat worse now now it's a bad hat bad look bad bod that's some bad hat Harry anyway so we went camping and so fried I think it was last Friday I'm on a group text with Bobby and Ari and it just says Camping Monday and

I have we've talked about this a lot my immediate instinct for any idea that was not my own is to be like no way Monday it's two days away you got to give me some time like what I'm not gonna camping in three days that's ridiculous it's dumb Ari trying to do his thing where he's like let's go to Tibet one Wednesday right you know I'm like why not just plan it and so my immediate instinct is like absolutely not I'm not going camping in two days and then I kind of walked around had that thought of like well why not that we're not doing anything yeah there's no work usually you want to clear the schedule you got a podcast you

got a whatever I like to go to the gym or whatever bullshit and I was like I'm not doing anything Monday sure I messaged back and said yeah we're in I'm down let's do it good for you that's big little impromptu and I had a one thing to tend to I was like I got to do this before and that was a whole argument because Ari's like we got to get up there early which I'm an early guy but some things early you like we don't need to go camping early right right we're here all day you leave at 8 a.m. we're gonna get there at noon you hike for three hours now it's three the sun goes down at nine that's six hours sitting at

a campground yeah another five hours in the thing yep sorry somebody's doing work somewhere in my apartment ah can you hear that is it brutal I don't hear a thing all right great well anyway so we go camping it's me Sarah Bobby Ari good group and Bobby's got the antibody so he doesn't give a shit because he's the one you kind of worry about a little bit he doesn't give a fuck he's like come on up here so then we got to figure it out and Ari's a little he's a nervous Nelly because his parents are 106 and he's 58 and yeah he was in the Holocaust yeah all the people we talked about this last week or maybe was on the Queen we talked

about this all the people that are like oh you're so anxious you're so nervous you got to be a free spirit then the shit goes down and there's a deadly virus he's like ah I'm not gonna get in an Uber I can tell you that maybe I'll walk to your house I'm like it's a nine-hour walk you just take an Uber you fucking idiot exactly but I digress so finally we convince him to he rents the car in Manhattan he goes and gets the car comes over scoops us up we're all in the car we're having a great time a lot of laughs we got the big backpacks we go up to Bobby's house meet up with him and Bobby's got four of everything he's got

extra this he's got extra that he's got you know sausages and he's got cigars and beverages all kinds of shit oh yeah we pack it all up we say goodbye to Max we take off we go up to Wagga Woo Falls I have no idea what it's called good beef perfect day 80 degrees we got the huge packs on and we hike up this mountain it's like an hour and a half two-hour hike we get to this big waterfall we set up camp and we're the cool ones do you love when you're cooler than everybody else oh it's the best because there's no one's ever no one's hiking cuz this is like this is bushcrafting we're like hiking not at a KOA but like not a

campground but like in the woods we just find a spot in the woods camp good for you as we're hiking up we got the big bags the big camping ones that come up this high like oh yeah now and there's all these people walking by no bags they got jeans on they're like are you guys staying the night we're like that's right you fucking douche yeah suck on that and they're like whoa excuse us oh sorry they're wearing flip-flops and heels right so we go all the way up there we pack up we pick our spots and it feels so manly to set up a tent yes and we all got knives I forgot my knife but I had an axe and that was exciting and body

spring down trees now not anymore I guess people don't like that now it kind of went out now whatever but we set up the I'm the fire guy I like to be the fire guy Ari's the go get the the logs guy cuz he likes to run through poison I V and chop shit down sure and then I get the fire all set up the T peaks I got Native American blood in me as you know that I made up but the rest is true so I get the fire going Bobby he brings the food he sets up the food Sarah does nothing it's a great time we got the the fire cooking and it's just beautiful so now the fire is on we go let's go check out the waterfall and we go over there

don't go chasing them we didn't chase it we just went over there to the waterfall and it's like a perfect flat rock moisture pool it's like a natural pool Jerry hot dead pool we get in there and it's like around 55 degree water icy cold we just hiked we set up our tents it's hot as fuck we slip right in there go straight into the water it's the most refreshing swim of my entire life come on yeah just beautifully refreshing we're all in the pool Bobby's got his shirt on we have a great time we're swimming around with splashing on each other and it's just high spirits you couldn't they couldn't have higher spirits I saw the

photo as you ripped oh thank well that was it lucky that was a lucky break there I think the Sun hit it just right and I was freezing and a little hungry I wanted to hit it it was hot and our speedo is on fire yes balls are huge and just a great great time sorry for the noises Sarah's cooking up some lunch here so there's a lot of beeps and sweeps okay I heard a kettle or something yeah some aluminum foil and some business we're almost done was a jiffy pop I don't know what's on the griddle for today but I'm gonna get a burrito right after this but oh my god we gotta wrap up here but anyways we did the whole thing it

was a great swim great time and earlier whenever I time I hike I always throw out a rule whoever falls first and falling is constituted by both hands on the ground they gotta buy lunch the next day oh I like it is it Bobby must have bought a couple of meals well I don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves you're not wrong oh he probably bought a full what a burger chain well we hike up there we do the hike everyone's on their feet no one falls down but we're swimming we're literally getting out of the water after a perfect swim you just hear a little a little slick swoop a splash and everyone just goes free lunch

baby and you know Bobby's got water and if they hid that one moment of like no wait a minute ah fuck alright fine you got me he's covered in mud that was great and then we sat around the campfire all night no music no screens no phones just sat there and really took in the piece and just trashed every comic we've ever met which was really fun and we sat under the stars and didn't sleep at all because we're on the ground and it's cold and there's monsters and we're telling ghost stories of course but just a great great time and then the next day we all summarized it I think it's on YouTube Bush Party Boys and one girl

checking out on YouTube it's on Ari's YouTube page oh wow so you can go check it out and get all the stories and stuff and boy there wasn't really a lot of laughs in there as I as I realized but now I can see the whole thing my head I'm picturing Bobby on the floor you know kicking his arms like a dead cockroach and Ari's balls and yeah the fire the camp I love it I should have sprinkled in some jokes but it was very refreshing very relaxing great car ride great hike great swim and just a good nice time and it's those moments you forget that COVID even exists yes that's the key because we're all sitting around you

know it's just where there's no distancing there's no people there's no mass you're just sitting under the stars and having some good laughs and it feels like real life for a few minutes so yes it was glorious and yeah glad to be good for you good for you for going good for you for doing it up good for you turning the screen off that's the key it's you get the real life and the no screen so you're getting double double good vibes yeah that's the best and taking Twitter off the phone was a was a nice move and so I I want to apologize people that for not favoring all the tweets I'm sure there's some nice tweets

in there I appreciate him you can email me or Instagram because Instagram's a much kinder gender world than Twitter I agree why is that it's is it because it just photos I don't know but I mean there's some shit on Instagram but people just it's not a mean place Twitter is mean mean mean mean mean and just hateful I heard Ari was telling us Kurt Metzger had an interesting thing he prefers Facebook over Twitter because on Twitter the response is an equal size as your tweet mmm so you tweet in a cube and then the response looks the same as your thing whereas Facebook your post is this thing and the comment is a little

down the bottom interesting so he's just a ball hog I guess I mean he's also a complete crazy person but yeah funny guy but he's a bit of a nut oh the funny one of the funniest people ever oh yeah great comic but any who we ended on very little laughs I apologize but I hate myself the messages take a breather and go camping go camp delete Twitter fuck your dad eat your mother out spit in her face she's in a kumquat and yeah tell your mom I said hi and yeah kill yourself and praise Allah as a bad dismount I'll be better next week next week will be better sorry good disc good mount it's a bad dismount I fucked up I

blew it Mount Chocula but yeah I got all excited about camping I realized I didn't have anything oh you're fine that's that's good man camping's crazy I mean those photos go to Joe's Instagram see the photos you check out the patreon follow us on everything even though we're not checking stuff and watch my special and hopefully yours is a hits the airwaves before we all die yeah I have no idea when it comes out I think it's all fake we're living in an alternate reality well you get a good buzz about it yeah I appreciate it all right we got to go join the patreon there's a ton of queues ton of live

episodes the video early big shout out to the guy who made the shirts those cool shirts with like a character guy on it they're like white and blue have you seen those the motorcycle one though that one's amazing to the motorcycle one's great but this one is like he sent me some I should go grab them but they're they're fucking adorable but where are they who's people are showing pictures I'm like I didn't even know did we are we getting paid for those I doubt it this guy made of himself they're really cool I forget his name Sean King or is that it that's a black guy are these sanctioned I mean there's just bootleg

shirts out here I wouldn't mind if our likeness is on it I mean I feel like we should get a couple of bucks or a sandwich or an anti-cookie our title is on it yeah send us a cookie at least and but he sent me some shirts I'll give you one if you want it they're largest I know our best merch is on the African American market I don't I don't know what's going on here well they're doing really well in Chinatown right now so who knows all right well I'm confused sorry for the the weird ending that was my fault I hate myself I'm gonna kill myself at some point you're good you didn't die camping Bobby's buying you

I hop everything's good all right well thanks for listening everybody hit the patreon and yeah take be be careful out there did you get the lunch oh yeah we went to lunch the next day we went to a diner and it was beautiful I had a nice chicken parm and they're open my throat still hurts yeah outdoor seating oh right right right right yeah it was great great lunch and Bobby you know he's made good on his bets of course he's a good guy and we had a great time all right good stuff I'll miss you and I'll see you tomorrow all right great play bye George's ain't got it where the cameras