Tuesdays with Stories! - #357 Swoopy Wiggle

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

It's a wild one this week folks as Joe takes a folkloric shit while Mark see's a teen brawl in Manhattan. Plus, the thrilling conclusion to last week's clink-hanger. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: TUESGAYS) & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to Tuesdays with stories we are here it's a wacky one it's gonna be a straight I'm just gonna warn everybody right off the top this is gonna be a weird one I'm here marks here Shelby's here

we're all here the whole gang the whole team and it's Saturday morning I mean it's cartoon time it's fucking 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning I'm going to Maine so I got a pre-record cuz they got no Wi-Fi in the whole state and yeah how you doing how you feeling I'm hungover I'm gay we did it up last night outside so I can spring break so you can't help but get tied up in the action but I had to kick the lady out and it's you know 5 a.m. I got bedhead I got a I got a morning wood it's just this is tough well I appreciate you doing it making it work here this is it's gonna be a strange run cuz like the old days hey is

that that's an old mug oh yeah isn't it weird to think that we're gonna have old faces yes like you're gonna have like a ball bag neck and like your eye there'll be that weird pink droop under your eye where you can see like the eye gook yeah I mean you're gonna you're gonna go into a restaurant and a young kid is gonna help you like oh sir hold on let me get the door for you like it's isn't that insane and that's best case scenario by the way right right if we're lucky holy hell then you get trouble getting off the shitter you're gonna have food dribbling down your face and a napkin tucked into your shirt not to

mention the doctor's appointments you those people go to the doctor three four times a day oh god all day and a big pouch of pills there'll be 900 pills and you just you don't even know you just dump them all in and eat them like fruit loops right right and then some old there's some kid comes up and goes sir I used to watch you when I was when I was four you know when you're like oh thank you thank you and you're like some old geezer like comedy legend like from the Catskills and he's like I watched you with my dad he's dead now yeah that's gotta be strange and and again this is all best case you know but maybe maybe

hopefully it becomes we innovate it'll be this kind of thing where you know eventually there's a pill to knock out wrinkles and a drink that knocks out herpes and you know syringe that knocks out your mother whatever it is hopefully we get some innovation you hope but I mean we can't cure baldness and the people have you have to die I mean it's it's the cycle of jizz it has to happen well death doesn't seem so bad as the fuck the aging the not walk everything hurts you can't take a piss as Peter Sellers said death is easy comedy is hard he wasn't wrong about that yeah he's very talented he's good you

know what else is easy is talking about your problems on stage comedy is tough that that you talk about your problem and get a chuckle I'll high five yeah but just talking about your problems that's easy what do you mean just oh just saying hey I'm whatever I realize I'm sitting next to a spotlight I'm gonna plug in my spotlights gonna change this whole situation you got a spotlight at home who needs the comedy club I'm trying to reach over here and keep my headphones in so what do you just talk about the problem like the people that are just going hey hey here's my my dad beat me and I'm bi-curious and that's my

act I see well they think they're doing jokes don't they I don't know I think they think that the the opening up and the the letting you in and the vulnerability equals quality or talent or entertainment oh baby is that a bomb up does he a bong on your cabinet there a bong no it's a giraffe piggy bank ah close look at this thing huh knocked it over oh didn't sound was that a ring light that's a ring light I knocked it over the tripod fell off Jesus a channel Christ move a ring holy hell look at that all right sorry well this is like an action episode there's things

happening crashing at special effects great show crashing yes movie crash but anyway yeah there's those people they're trying to do that shit I guess but some people pull it off some people talk about their problems with the punchlines true yeah that's pretty good that's maybe the most impressive comedy this is way too bright yeah I got you got a ring in your eyeball there you look like look at that it's like kooky pupil I look like the Roger Rabbit bad guy oh yeah what's his name Christopher Lloyd's character the the goop the mr. Goop that doesn't sound right the goop was the name of the the miscarriage placenta that was in that

bucket the goop is the bad guy in Pearl Harbor oh yeah I apologize for that one oh yeah well it was technically not correct yeah it's close yeah I mean I'll hate goop at somebody that's not gonna it's not gonna go well he didn't say the different letter it's not gonna go well I think goop is a Gwyneth Paltrow's menstruation line or whatever it is or candle wax oh really it's go it's called goop I think that's the name for production company or sweatshop or whatever it is I'd like to have some goop sex sure what's the difference between orgy gangbang group sex that's all in the same container right

all very similar yeah yeah it's I think it's group sex I think it's like the African-American to black because orgy's got a little stink on it you know it's got some some stigma and some schmagma orgy's like orgy mustache guy with a hairy chest and a couple of chains and some oils and then group sex is like group sex we're all together so gangbang then but this analogy must be like the N word as a fucking gangbang gangbang is bad new run a train bad news that that almost feels like it's like one lady with nine dudes and gangbangers is you know yes a term that I never got I was like that sounds too weird these gangbangers

out in South Central is like that sounds too dirty just they're a gang just call my gang why are they gangbanging well they're banging like just like you know I think that's an old verb verbiage of being a gang like remember George with the Van Buren boys it was when I was banging right right yeah yeah yeah another bang bang yeah they're banging the gangs are like banging banging our generation knows as a term of sex I'm banging her but I think back in the day it was we're banging we're running around Robin and stealing and cutting and slicing yeah it's it's I wonder if there's other words because they all keep

changing like like I remember hearing older guys say like oh I gave her head to a woman yeah I've said that I think we had this debate in like 2014 way back now you got a real glossary up there fatty you can you can really go to that roller decks well cuz I'm giving my head I'm using my head we both have heads she's got a head you got a head yeah I guess you're right I guess I never thought about the whole head you know the forehead the ears the placenta or patella or the chin that's all head yeah I get right in there I mean I'm giving her head cuz I've used nose and I get my eye in there I try to look up into the

uh cunt birth canal yes why not the BC well I guess you're right given here's here's one I heard the other day Colin Quinn if I may name drop he was talking about someone being acting crazy and he said I guys crack it up now I haven't heard that meaning cuckoo in years right we think of it as laughing so hard oh we I think we talked about this already oh yeah this was on a quiff but crack it up right crack it up to us was hilarious I'm cracking up laughing right but it's stemmed from cracking up I'm going crazy well all the crazies turning it he's a hilarious what is it um like hilarity not hilarity delirium

delirious delirious which is a Eddie Murphy special but hysteria like oh it was hysterical hysteria hysterical that's what I was looking for yes it's all comes from like crazy which is maybe it shows how fucked up and dark things were back then like if a guy was like you're like he's going crazy that's a great point because I remember watching the Godfather for the first time back in 1994 or whatever yeah and at the end you know what's her toes the the sister Carlos wife there with the fucks her name I'll think of it in a second I know your time oh Adrian actress yes from Rocky she's going crazy and it's

spitting on him and going nuts and he's like she's hysterical right like being confused by that cuz hysterical meant hilarious to me exactly Connie Corleone Connie and he's like he's hysterical but I remember being like hysterical she's but she's this is very dramatic right but back in the in the faughties hysterical meant cuckoo well I think the ladies were kind of they were under your thumb a little bit back then you know they couldn't really break free they couldn't really be themselves and also the dudes are all buttoned up hat three piece suit I think it was pretty rare to get to get cut loose you know and have a

real laughing fit I gotta I gotta tell you about this shit so I've been watching I was up till like four in the morning last night watching this shit on YouTube have you seen these videos of like 1922 Paris digitize like remastered and they put color in it and it's some guy with a camera from the 18 whatever is filming the streets of Paris or Amsterdam or New York or London they're fascinating I saw one of New York a while back it was like New York in the something like that similar yeah you get a tear in your eye they just like that guy had a life she was ugly this kid's gay like there's all these little you just think like these

were all people with thoughts about they're all dead yeah it's it's strange I always think that when I go to cemeteries on the road I walk around and just look at look at all these things and I like to think about all these people would give anything to switch places with me anything anything I mean the one guy had cancer or he had a bad leg or he was schizophrenic and he would still like as much as we we talked about life being a bummer you still want to be in it you still want to play the game oh certainly and and that's the thing about death it's the great equalizer if

somebody was like you're terminally ill we just found a lump in your tits you're gonna die on next Wednesday every single thing you were complaining about would be absolutely nothing right right exactly like we're like I gotta get up and do this pod if someone's like you're dying in three weeks or if they were like podcast or banned in the country you'd be like oh my god for God's sakes let me do this podcast let me get it at six I mean how I feel I feel like we've talked about this but how many how much did it blow your mind that first time you heard the you don't have to do a podcast you get to do it you're like I wasn't ready

for that one right well that but it's hard to keep that perspective because I mean last night or two nights ago I got to throw them off the scent here one one night in the recent past I had to do a show and it was one of these shows where you're on the whole time it's two and a half hours long and you're like well this is a little much this is insane yes if I had three lumps in my balls I'd be like I'd do anything to be on a four-hour show with with a bunch of people that aren't laughing they're just staring at you and the whole thing sucks completely completely yes I'm with you fatty and we're lucky to be alive is the

point we're lucky to have each other we're lucky to have the pod and when some bad shit goes down in your life you really do it makes you to put perspective like man I I farted at that at that funeral everybody made fun of me that was the worst thing I've ever done and you go I would kill for that fart the farts nothing we're all gonna die one day yeah and speaking of gratitude I gotta tell you I told you a little off-camera but I just took we're gonna lose some people here cuz some people were squeamish I just took the greatest shit I think anyone's ever taken anyone that's taken a shit that they believe to

be the best shit has probably taken a photo if you're like me sure you got a photo of a shit I'm gonna put this shit against your photo this is a bet I'm laying down the gauntlet to every Tuesday who's ever photographed a dump I got one here I sent it to Bobby and Ari I mean they're texting me a lot here I don't know I got quit is this a per impressive shit is this a gross shit is this a large what's the parameters here why are we so blown away no such thing as a gross shit if you ask me they're all delightful I don't know about that I'm kidding of course but this shit is impressive it's long it's

good I mean it's up out of the water I mean half of it wow it wouldn't drown if I left it there that's I'll just say it's nostrils and lungs are up out of the water and then the other end of it I don't even know if it exists it's just it's like deep the depths of which this thing is in the toilet it all just came out it's slid out now Ari Shafir and Robert Kelly and Derek Dunovan Walsh have all seen it because I can send it to you if you'd like to take a peek yes yes please I'm I'm I'm hurt I'm not on the shit list all right well I'll send it right now I took two because I put my finger down in the water to give it

scale easy fatty you don't want to be touching that corona dong Shelby do you want a copy of this because I can send it your way to he doesn't I can answer for him he doesn't like this kind of stuff but no no no no she'll be got his own problems going on he doesn't need a big turd coming into his sprint all right it's being sent and if you want when I wiped it left a big streak across my ass cheek I got photos of that too I sent those to Derek oh boy oh did I lose you no no I'm just I'm nervous about this thing I did it come through let me know when you get that puppy I mean this is this is dead air so getting a little

worried still oh yeah still nothing still nothing all right give it time I mean it's photos and it's got to go from the Queens to the village so and it's a big turd so it takes a long time to process holy good lord wow that is unreal and has a little sidecar yeah oh my lord I had to break a piece off and put it next to it because it was still my ass I had to give it a swoopy wiggle like I just gave it a little yeah like a hip thrust to snap off the end of it it's like an iceberg you know like the only the tip is out but it goes deep under the water maybe you need some more water in that bowl there sloppy jalopy because

this thing is I mean it's it's half of it's in the Bronx it's down deep in the in the hole oh make no mistake I mean we got full tank of water that's just a huge shit I mean you see the one with my finger in there right oh unfortunately did you it was this painful was this was this like a you know some shit you're like if I don't get this out of me now I have to quit the business or like was it was it an emergency I'll take it through we're watching you know every Saturday morning Saturday I get up we watch real time on demand and it's a nice little tradition I go for a run I get a couple bagels for the gang we sit down in front of the old

tube we watch real time and I said hey I gotta I gotta put a pause on this I'm really starting to percolate here because I think the combo of every day I have the huge green spinach banana blueberry almond milk and I make these huge ones tons of greens yeah meditating like a son of a bitch I've been running every day and I think it all just built up in there and I just felt it felt like you had to I had to shit and then slowly as time went on I was like I really got a shit and then finally we got to a stage it was you know phase four of reopening sure like I got to pause this threw a pause on then I stopped started talking I was standing

talking because I had a couple thoughts about the program yeah and then I said you know what this has got to wait this thing is really ready and I think in that time it stacked up like a skyscraper wow and then when I sat down it just right out just slid right out and I knew it was it was impressed I knew it was a special one I stood up and there she was I mean I mean you should hold it up like a fish photo it's such a beauty like you got to stand next to that thing and I feel like you might have cured if you had a disease I feel like you got it out whatever that was there's a lot of toxins in there that were not supposed to be in your body you might have gotten

silent re occurred it was like a life extend out I'd put it under glass if I could if it was socially acceptable I'd hang it above my beddy I'd take down this dumb church that I didn't go to right hang it like a like a gun rack I mean the thing is two feet long I know you got to mount this thing stuff it and put the sunglasses on it like a moose that is really something I mean call in if you if you want a private screening I don't even know you need a wide lens I had to I had to project this onto my Apple TV here but Jesus that is really so kudos Mazel tov maybe put on the patreon I mean I'm looking at it this thing is I mean on the other side of this phone I'm not gonna flip it because we'll get kicked off of YouTube again sure on the

other side of this phone is the the wildest shit and it's top to bottom and you can only see about half this thing that's what I'm saying it's like the locked mess it just keeps going it's coming out of the piping it's uh you laid pipe I mean Shelby's texting me you can't put it on the patreon I mean but whatever I guess I'll DM you I mean send me a private message and uh don't send me yours because other people's shit makes me throw up you know we should do is hire a like a sketch artist to get a rendering just like an accurate one just so the people want to know that's a good idea I mean I could have my nephew color this thing it's it's wow I mean it looks and with the side piece it looks like a baseball bat making contact with a nice big green softball that's

good that's a good call yeah it's uh that that kind of wholesome it up a bit yeah that's a real Louisville and uh holy hell yeah I feel a little emasculated because my shits are are wet and wild and not not that strong yeah this is this is special this is a once in a once in a long time it's like a moon or one of the moons you know those special moons that come yes yes I feel like if I was in the woods I go hey a walking stick that's how uh it's a long and and secure and solid looks wild it's like Robert Duvall's career just long and just when you think it's gonna end wow another one yeah that shit keeps his head above water um anyway we better move on ladies tune back in ladies the talk is over uh well they poop too you know we all poop everybody

shits as the book says everybody poops sometimes you ever get into REM huh you ever get into REM I think they've got some amazing songs then some songs make me cringe with how weird and and awkward they are yeah I think um I think like the generation before uh people a little bit older than us I understand that they helped give birth to the alternative but by the time I was banging that was that was gay it was gay but I think they're good I think they're a talented quality band but it just uh some of it gets a little too whiny yes what's the frequency can it the buh buh buh buh I love that song yeah there's some good ones but uh a little bit yeah just like yeah yeah yeah some good stuff don't get me wrong but

there they're solid they just there's one of those bands just up and out they go they left the guy lost his hair and he just just gave up well what can you do anywho all right well you got some stuff here I mean I want to hear some business I got some nuggets uh well first I'm gonna tease this and then maybe say save it for the end but uh I went I had a few drinks with the lady last night with the girlfriend and went to I said fuck it I'm loose I'm with it I'm hip and I went to this restaurant where I knew the guy worked who got accosted by the gang of roving teenagers on bicycles oh the guy works not the black guy with the white hair but the actual holding the phone in the year yes yes the big white guy works there and I've seen him I'm telling you I walk around the

village like it's uh the 40s I got nothing going on and I just run in everybody I know all my neighbors I'm buying real estate and I'm the guy now who just walks down the street and has a plaque on a building I read the plaque oh nice that's a good guy to be yeah that's how much time I have I found the friends apartment you know from friends oh is that in the village that's like two blocks from me I'll show you next time you pop in I always assumed it was on the Upper West or Upper East because they lived in a central perk yeah that was all made up that was Photoshop uh Chandler's not real but in the show do they live in the village yes no kidding yeah which makes sense because they're like young and good looking and they're living in New York you

know it makes sense I thought they were just rich Upper West sidey people because the central perk you think of as being a central park they lived up there I just assumed but I never got that into the program because it's not not a great program not a great show people compared to Seinfeld which is uh pretty horrific and sacrilegious but hey I dig a uh so I go in there I'll save it but I got the answer oh my god I've been dying to hear we've been waiting a week uh people have been waiting a week on fainted tits to hear this thing um but here's another little nugget so there's a park by my house that has like a botchy ball court a soccer field uh playground a couple of like handball you know one of those like sporty little parks not like a not like a wash and square but

like this is an activity park I got you and uh so I'm sitting there we go to a restaurant they say it's going to be a 30 minute wait and I say well let's go sit in the park watch some soccer watch some handball watch some some hobos shitting their hands and she goes great we're sitting there drinking and we're just talking about you know uh who knows Thomas Jefferson's fucking slaves or whatever it was and we look over and there's like a group of kids you know 15 14 raps callions and it's a bunch of girls and she's like look at this and one of them just cold cocks one now they're fighting I'm talking full on melee with like eight kids all women and there's one guy just going hey uh hey easy ladies and they're all fighting each other and then the dust clears my

girlfriend's like we gotta get out of here this is crazy and uh I was like we gotta watch this she's like we gotta get out of here we we so we're walking away but I keep looking back and they're just holding each other's hair and pulling hair like a cartoon just hair pull hair pull bent over it was insane that's what's scary about the ladies fighting or anyone with long hair because that hair pulling is vicious you can just get the neck in this yeah those chunks come out and yes and you can hold it forever I mean these girls we we watched for a couple minutes and that it never they never shook it was just hair holding leaning over like I'm not letting go till you let go kind of thing they might have been like that for three days I mean it's a good move because if you pull

the hair they bring the head with it because no one wants their hair ripped out right right so you can manipulate where they are you pull that head the person's gonna come with the hair because yes they want to keep their hair you get some uppercut action going on but the thing is if you pull hair they're pulling hair so now you're both cocked over and you're both uh fucked but it was it was the weirdest fight because you know when a fight breaks out it's like you know it's all it was quiet it was a quiet fight interesting that's not a scream not a peep not a yell and I mean it was I mean these gals could throw down it was uh fucking hands baby swinging wow you don't see a lot of quiet I don't know I've ever heard of a quiet fight I mean that's

amazing it was almost as if they knew like we're in this nice area we got to throw down it was like all business like I'm just gonna try to hurt you I'm not gonna make a scene here it it felt like this is not the first uh melee they've had and interesting was there was there any sign or clue as to what started the fight or what it was about no idea of course we start doing the uh the the math like maybe it was over a guy and I mean it just like a light switch on now it's on it was sitting down quietly bullshitting and then it was on don't you love a fight what's great about those events especially in a relationship and especially during like a quarantine is you're like yes something to talk about for a couple hours yeah yeah totally because you get

to be like did you see that one girl I saw this girl what about that move when she did that that reminds me of this fight like you're just praying for anything to just explode into a conversation because I'm out over here I got no stories left I got I've told her all my business yeah it's we're just in real time now we're just waiting for something to happen to talk about because otherwise it's just no no I know I know you said that you're in fifth grade your dad touched you and right winked at your father whatever well it's it's also a catch 48 because you want something juicy and interesting to happen salacious but you also don't want bad stuff so it's it's the best is when something else is happening to a person that's horrible and it's not you and you have no

connection oh absolutely that's what that's all you want I mean that's all of tv and even the news for the most part all of this shit that's happening is happening to somebody else pretty much and that's why it's fun it's what is that a shodden Freud and uh you know all that shit where you're just like that guy got hit by a bus fascinating glad it's not me but pretty cool yeah it's always strange especially those things that are so rare that you're like yeah that's never gonna happen but it does happen to that one person somebody yeah with that I know and that could be you one day which is scary like you're gonna live so many minutes on the planet and there's cars whizzing by that guy's got a gun he's he's a crazy person you're gonna bump into him at some point yeah very

very strange and uh yeah horrific things are gonna happen to all of us and it's weird it's weird it's stuff well we're getting real uh we're digging deep on this one with the philosophy and the lifespan and living and people and jizz existential thank you that's the word I was looking for but yeah it's so funny because you talk to the lady she's like a cute gal from the suburbs of Massachusetts and she's like I've never I've grown up with girls my whole life I've never swung at one none of them have ever swung at me like it just shows it's such a it's an upbringing it's a culture it's it's a whole different world for some people yeah I always feel like fights are pretty avoidable yeah and don't solve I get it we've all been angry we've all had a quick twitch you just

gut reaction but uh it doesn't seem to help anything usually no it's there's a there's a disconnect there and it's it's not it's not great I I remember even as a as a youth being in college and you'd see these big white guys with like the swoopy hair that went over their forehead and like a yellow button down tucked into some shorts with a woven belt and dockers on or whatever the hell spare issues and they would just wail on each other and I was like are you gay are you are will you beaten as a kid what is coming out of you right now what is this anger yeah it's some kind of parental mishap something was lacking in that upbringing I think there's a disconnect yeah they must it's learned behavior they must have their dad probably beat the shit out of them

and they're like I'm gonna inflict pain on somebody else so they find somebody they can fight with I guess so but it would I feel like it happened every weekend so you're like are there that many dads uh railing on a little timmy oh there's bad dads everywhere of course I mean I guess so we had that in my town in middle school there was a fight at least one fight a week minimum minimum couple fights and did you have it it's spread like COVID it was like if there was one fight there'd be four fights usually we had days right like nine fights because at the fight everyone gets hyped up and ready how about we fight you fight yeah it would just keep breaking into fights sometimes for like 90 minutes you'd watch just fight it was like a fucking pay-per-view yeah yeah

and uh you know what did you have this one I got into a few scuffles in my day and it's a it's a little kid move that you can't carry into adulthood which is you fight you fight your brains out your hair is fucked up you're covered in dirt your knuckles are bleeding and then you just start weeping immediately oh yeah you remember that one yeah then you're like yeah because you're hurting I mean that's why you're fighting it's because you're fucking dumb dad you know stuck his dick in your ass when you were nine and so now you just beat up a kid that you kind of like and then right the beat up so you feel shamed or you beat someone up so you feel ashamed of that and then you're like what are we doing I don't even believe in any of this that's every fight

physical or verbal yeah the fight and you're like I like you what am I doing I don't want to be this guy oh I remember I got no scuffle with this white trash guy Tyler he was like a foot taller than me big tall blonde scary guy Tyler and I wailed on this guy and it he pushed me away and he could he could handle me I mean he was way bigger than me and he goes what are you doing like and I had this moment like what am I doing and I just burst out into tears like a fucking oscar winner yes problematic I mean I told this story before but I fought my best pal fifth grade Jeff me and and we just started talking what would happen if we fought like George and Jerry and then next thing you know I was committed to a fight I mean it's like I was like oh fuck and it was time and of

course he had an older brother so he was like I could tell right away by his stance he knew what he was doing yeah and I tried to kick him you know like I was like I'll kick him because I just watched Point Break the day before and sure so I tried to kick him he like caught my foot and I was like give it back come on and that he's going away and then I remember he took like a right hook and just caught me in the temple with this and it's funny to think about because looking back his hand was probably the size of my dick on a winter day sure but he caught me in that temple and I went at my eyes watered and I was like all right you win that's it and there was like a whole crowd and they were so disappointed because the whole school was in a circle and then we went back

to being best friends like immediately all right well that's nice all right you can beat me up and you know I know more about baseball let's move on with our lives right right it's it's a kooky time but here's the clinker do you think because people are people we're all coming eggs we're all jizz and ovaries do you think that's still in people and no one contacts anymore no one talks no one has a conversation maybe that comes out with the canceling and with the uh that I want to hurt you I think it's just online now oh a hundred percent it's the exact same feeling and emotion and disconnect of like I'm gonna ruin you and that's that's the same feeling as like I'm gonna punch you in the face until you're bleeding and crying I mean it's the exact same thing it's just

now more uh acceptable it's it's just part of the culture now which is strange but yeah it's definitely a disconnect and a lack of empathy in a lot of ways yeah totally and I think uh that I've noticed that if people say you know we've we've put ourselves out there with with youtube videos and tv and whatnot and this and then when somebody says something mean if I favorite it they tend to go ah I didn't think you'd ever see this I hate myself and you're like all right whatever oh a hundred percent yeah I've done that a lot where I write back and I'm like that's really hurtful you seem like a sad person they're like well I'm actually a fan dude yeah yeah what is that it I guess it takes some some strength to be nice being nice is way harder uh it shouldn't be I don't

think so but yeah it shouldn't be hey here's one thing that we can all agree on though can I just say this please sheath underwear that's something everybody can get on board with nobody's mad at sheath these guys are the best in the business let me just minimize my poop picture and pull up some information on on sheath you got it on let me see what I got I got no underwear on right now oh jeez wear a mask but I was wearing sheath underwear earlier and you know it I ran in this stuff the other day it's good for running it really does keep your twigs and berries separated as they say oh yeah this guy that runs the company he's a fan of the show this is one of those ones I don't even need a copy I guess I need for the promo which is Tuesdays but uh sheath underwear is

killer it's got a sexy design and it's soft and nylon-y it feels good and I say it every time my wife is just like that's hot you look sexy in this underwear it's like a wrestling singlet you know it's it's it's comfy it's comfy and you put your dick in this little hole and it does it automatically it's not like you have to like grab it in there it just goes in there it's a pleasure to pull it out and it keeps your dick and balls separated I think I have a nice smelling dick and balls at the end of the day because it's yeah I agree I smelled it and it tastes better it's really killer don't you hate when you go for a walk and your dick and balls are loudly clanking against one another well sheath underwear cradles your junk like a mama gorilla holding

her precious newborn baby there we go I feel silly even reading this business yeah because we're telling you the real deal we wear it every day this is our go-to underwear give them the goods tell them a little bit yeah yeah I love it obviously I'm wearing it right now it's the best I put on other like you know Haynes or whatever the fuck they are you know old school dog shit primitive boxers the other day I kept plopping out of a hole then the whole the dick hits the zipper and it shows a little kid and you know you sit down everything's coming out of the sides this is a nice support system it nestles it nestles it's a it's a beautiful thing and once you do it you can't go back go to sheath underwear dot com and order with promo code twos gaze this

guy's a fan to get 20 off your first order and sheath underwear's 100 money back guarantee wow that's pretty good that sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze support the show by supporting them get sheath underwear and let them support your balls and I'll just add this I mentioned it before but he sent some stuff to Sarah and I and Sarah's got a sheath sports bra and some like booty shorts and they're sexy she likes them so all the lady fans or the dude fans that want to get their lady a gift get her a nice sheath sports bra yes or or all the women of fans of the show who we love your worth ten of these bros yes there's only eleven of you total get yourself some sheath pants all right and then I gotta say if you're gonna if you're gonna have the sexy underwear

you're gonna be you're gonna need to be ready to throw it out folks so keep that hog at uh beck and call with the nice blue chew the first chewable dick pill while we're stuck at home what's something we could all use a little more of human contact you got that right but also some sweet sweet love making how brutal would that be you're at home quarantining with your gal or your guy or whatever it is and you can't get it going we've all been there don't take that risk we this times are too tense to not be able to plow your partner so get a blue chew and harden up and I love them I keep one in a in a drawer just in case I'm having a rough week and it works instantly it tastes pretty good and you're you're ready to go and it lasts baby yeah same active ingredients

is Viagra and see Alice right now we have a special deal for our listeners visit blue chew that's B L U E C H E W dot com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays with a D just pay five dollars shipping that's it five bucks again that's B L U E Chew C H E W dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free Tuesdays with a D blue chew dot com finally a website that you can give you an erection it's the best pill folks I've tried a few and this one is really good so get on it and have fun live your life yeah and then you get a nice heart on bursting through your sheath underwear and all's all's well that ends well oh yeah all right all right hey good stuff uh well should I should I drop the hammer or uh should we

you got anything drop the hammer then well we'll swing through I mean I got a couple things I mean I'm timing it weird I'm going to a little backyard cookout thing today so nice I don't know if I'll have anything from it you know I mean in my mind I'm like oh I've got that thing but I'm it's happening after the recording right but I'll tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna be the head of the party you know why let that shit pick I'd never bring that into mixed company this is okay these people on the straight and narrow these folks I don't want to see a poop photo but I've eaten I got we got sent a huge fucking treasure chest of Antoine's cookies I've eaten about nine of them but there's still like six left because he really loaded them up so yeah I'm showing up with one

chocolate chip from Antoine's for everybody and I'm gonna be a smash hit it's what happened your tits fell off or what I wanted to uh show the cookies and I pulled them out of my fridge and the the pickles fell this is a big bag of Antoine's right here this is treasure this is the gold with the pirate's booty I mean you got them in the fridge which is kooky if you ask me I'm just too scared they're gonna go south there's something either worth too much chocolate chip kooky um yeah same here I gotta I gotta go and distribute them because these things are so good and so addictive that I'm eating like 48 a day and my reflex forget about it say well apparently they're helping your boom booms because that thing was straight as an arrow yeah so I'm going to that

thing and uh yeah I saw Vita the other day he's a parent our friend Gary Vita who's one of the most referenced comedians on the show yeah we never had him on but not doing yeah he had a kid and he's about four foot one so uh I'm excited and though the wife is not large either so I'm excited to see how that kid turns out size wise yeah it'll be interesting I mean he's already as tall as Gary so right right but yeah I've been bumping into him and just you know plugging along heading up to Maine camping on Sunday seeing the family Monday through Friday or whatever maybe well maybe I'll bail early if I have to but uh trying to try to live a nice life out here with uh adjusting we adjust and you you move on yeah good good you adjust you make it work and you

you live your jizz yeah I uh I can't wait to hear about that camping you've been camping six times this month you're like uh uh what's that guy lumberjack Johnson Henry David throw hey that works Walden yeah who else is a camping guy uh uh kung fu no who camps uh oh davie crocket maybe oh yeah king of the wild frontier by the way I've been watching a lot alone you ever seen alone I don't think so is that a show it's a show on Netflix where they put 10 people on a on a crazy piece of land in Alaska I'm talking tundra ice bears the whole thing and they just go you get to bring like five items you get a hatchet a bow and arrow a dildo whatever it is and then they got to just outlet whoever lasts the longest wins ah this has been a lot of shows like that I mean in the pandemic

you watch it you're like all right we it's not so bad I got wi-fi I got uh you know my lady I got Antoine's here's the thing that's weird though we're in show business sort of not really sure I didn't know you were allowed to just pitch the same show like isn't that the same as survivor naked and afraid alone fucking boobly boo I don't watch too much tv but it seems like there's 50 of these shows we drop you off in the middle of nowhere you got to blow your dad and find the helicopter I mean yeah it's all amazing race are they all the same fucking show well I mean that's how showbiz is you tweak it just a nipple hair and it's a whole different ball game you know like survivor is they give you activities and they say hey we got a camera crew right here

you got to build a shelter and eat out a dog and all that but this is just literally this is the most and naked and afraid these people are not naked so like this there's a little tweak and these people the most fucked out of all of them like this is the real deal you're in the woods with zero shit you got to make your house you got to make your kaka or whatever it is but and they're more fucked than the naked people yeah the naked people they're on the beach they're attractive they're uh they only have to last like 10 days or something like how long can we make it these people are like we have to live out here till the other guy dies oh wow and I always think too the cruise right there where it doesn't feel like you can be like all right hey I gotta borrow

your gaffing tape because uh I stepped on a squirrel whatever I think about that all the time but it's so funny because you watched like Roberto and he's crying every night he can't catch a squirrel he's he's eating ants he's freaking out he can't catch a fish and then you watch Gregory and he makes it look he kills a moose skins it right there then a wolverine tries to steal his moose meat he kills the wolverine oh Greg sucks he's crazy he's crazy he he lived with the uh Native Americans in Serbia and he was like uh uh special forces and all this and I mean you just compare it to what you can do and the whole thing's the whole thing's a bummer but give it a watch it's pretty intense I can't watch a reality show because I've been on a reality show I can't because I know

once you're on a show you know that they're like this hey let's get a shot of let's do a shot of you sad about your wife right we gotta get another shot of you just walk about just walk by it's all fake I agree I agree but this I'm just saying I don't like that shit either we've both been on the last comic standing it's a kick in the balls but this feels the most legit but that's all I'll say okay I always just think they need coverage so like we missed that could you could you kill the rat again or whatever but I'm over here I'm balls deep in Ozark over here good to have you now I'm enjoying it but I gotta say that thing that makes me hate TV drama here we go it keeps seeping in here with the seeping Bateman's so good that it keeps me watching

and it's clever and it's fun but there's all these little moments where like I'm only five episodes in but like the little 19 year old girl with the blonde hair yes she's not yeah the one that's like a white trash chick but he hires her or whatever oh oh yeah Ruth yeah she's great in this movie called the assistant by the way that I love to talk about that way back when she's a hell of an actor yeah she's got range she's very good but very good there's that scene that always happens in TV drama where she's running the strip club and it's like a Saturday night it's packed and somebody goes well because your dad and she punches the lady out this little girl just punches a woman she's like knocked out and she goes anyone else got anything to say about my dad

and all the everyone stops they can somehow hear her yelling in a strip club right right like this this teenage girl who's four feet high can yell over all the music all the bar talk all everything everyone hears her they're all like ooh they're afraid of her and no no guy at the bar is like fucking fight yeah fuck you like nobody's behaving at one scene there's a guy robbing a bodega and there's like 20 people in the bodega and you can look at the extras and they're literally looking at a can of peanuts like this hmm like there's one guy he's holding up two different bags of chips like should I get this bad it's just like there's shit you watch that you're like oh yuck that's so fake and stupid right little things like that that I'm like oh it I have to

just forge through and ignore the ridiculousness and the bad extras and the cheese dick writing of like this hot rich 19 year olds like going to this trailer park to hang out with this guy we are like that does not happen hot rich people aren't like I like this mysterious acne white trash guy who's reading alien books to me that kid is ugly he's got a wacky face wacky face and then the FBI agents are blowing each other I'm like that's a little on the nose it feels like but whatever I'm enjoying it but it takes all my strength to get through that shit I hear you well you're an observant guy you catch everything and most people don't most people never never saw the chip chip comparison guy you know you catch that person guy I know that guy's in uh San Diego right now going that's me out the

fucking chip guy so but here's the thing this is the problem with TV and this is the problem no one will ever understand I'm out at the park today and I see 70 or seven gals wailing on each other quietly and I run away I feel like if somebody saw that on TV they'd go why was that fight so quiet that's bad directing that and you're like that's what happened sometimes it's hard to see it because it's we've so trained by TV like it's supposed to go like this you know like imagine if people took a piss every time they took a piss on TV it wouldn't it would be bad TV I think you have to morph it a little bit like Charlie Chaplin fun fact he did a as a goof he did a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest and he got third he got third in the Charlie Chaplin he's Charlie Chaplin so I think

that tells you that like we've trained ourselves to see how things are on TV so when they're not exactly like we think they'll be in real life we tune out but sometimes real life is fucked now this Charlie Chaplin thing tells me that people are stupid and not observant and they just accept the fact that there's 25 people in a bodega nobody goes into a bodega like that you go in you're like I'm gonna go get chips you get your chips you leave but things like I think we're saying the same thing I guess maybe I don't know but the TV this is where like movies some movies again like we talk about like a perfect film like Goodfellas where it shows Tommy telling a story and everyone's laughing everyone's listening like this guy's crazy and they're reacting in a way

that makes sense they're listening and they're laughing as opposed to a woman that's a teenage girl that can just yell loud enough for everybody here I've been in a strip club you can't hear the person next to you sure sure I agree I agree all those things of like it's just so cliche of like if anyone talks about her dad she knocks them out and even the men are afraid of this teenage woman right right well what is she the Lang Lee's or whatever they she's gotta they gotta establish it they're like trashy you know they're violent right but I do enjoy the show it's fun it's interesting it's just those things and the same thing happens in movies that aren't that aren't you know thoughtful and meticulous yes meanwhile I'm rewatching 2001 a space Odyssey and I'm like

this is the best movie ever made it's funny because most people watch it they can't get through it oh it's unbelievable yeah well you got a hell of a palette there fatty and I think it's I think I'm gonna I'm gonna think I'm gonna drop the hammer on this this guy's we're running out of time here yeah get get to the get to the goods give it to me I've been dying let me talk in TV let me do a little recap like Netflix does where I give you a four second intro here so basically saw a guy on the street on the sidewalk holding a cell phone and like nine guys on bikes traveling next to him going give me the phone give me the phone and he's going nope nope and then they get to the intersection he's in the middle of the street and they're literally circling him and tapping him on

the back where he keeps turning and he's the guy's going I'll give you the money give me the phone I'll give you the money just give me the phone and he's going nope nope I'm calling the police nope too late and then the cops come everybody scatters they talk to the fat white guy that's where we're at right okay so I I knew that this guy owned a restaurant in my neighborhood so as I said had a couple of uh highballs got some liquid courage went to the restaurant I see the guy and he's like a celebrity now I'm like there he is that's the guy and I'm too scared of him because this guy's he's uh he can handle himself he's a big guy he owns a restaurant in New York City he's probably from Brooklyn or something you don't know what these guys sometimes you go up to a guy and you go

hey what the hell happened out there he goes hey fuck you son of your business and you're like ah I'm sorry you know so who knows what can happen so I go into the restaurant and I see a waiter just like doing the checks at the little computer thing and I go hey man I got a weird question for you this is gonna be weird and I'm really preparing and prepping this guy and he goes any question I'll give you a weird answer you know he's fun and I go saw a bit of a thing last night just want to make sure everybody's okay you know trying to fake concern a little bit and he goes oh yeah yeah that thing with uh Robbie or whatever yeah that was that was that was nothing and I go is everything all right he goes yeah and you're ready can you guess

well so far it sounds like he's trying to downplay he's gonna give you the explanation is that what I'm guessing yes all right well I mean I guess last week of what the situation was I don't like that this guy's downplaying that makes me play yeah I don't like it I don't like a downplay because then the the the answer might not be as juicy right so and who's this guy this guy he works there he works at the restaurant where the incident happened no no he works at the restaurant where the big guy owned he owns it I got you okay I'm gonna say boy I mean I still think my guest last week was pretty good when they came up and they took a video and they you know yeah drooped to him or they did something to him and he took that video away and said fuck you

yes yes so here's the clinker and I still have a few questions but maybe we can fill in the gaps with your uh with your huge shit here but apparently the guy saying I'll give you money give me my phone back ate at the restaurant dined and dashed so the big guy said fuck you I'm going through hell it's quarantine my restaurant's been closed I'm broke I can't afford to have you eating here and then not paying so he yanked the phone from the kid wow you better pay me this is like street justice like fuck the cops you're gonna pay me because I have your phone now motherfucker and that I saw them like eight blocks six blocks away so that means they had trailed him that long now I don't know why there was nine of them but I think it just kind

of like got some uh some dust kicked up and they were like let's follow this guy this is getting crazy and uh it never got violent never got heated really to to fist the cuffs but that's how far that guy had walked and that's how far they'd followed him until it came to a head in front of me and they called the police I'm so confused I thought it was kids on bikes it was the kids on the bikes ate at the restaurant I think the one guy ate there with the phone guy hey give me my phone back that guy ate there he might have been a little older but the other guys were like 19 at the oldest I said because we're going from kids to guys so when I hear kids I'm thinking 13 12 guys I'm thinking you and me late teens I still call that kids I'm 71 okay so these

are kids slash guys so the kids and the guys are the same guys and dolls we're interweaving kids and guys yes which is dangerous territory according to Epstein but yeah yeah this is or spacey or whoever but yeah the the one guy with the phone seemed like he was might have been 22 21 something he's a guy in the rest of kids is that correct a little bit but I'm sure there was a 15 I'm sure there was a 19 I'm sure there was a 16 I'm sure there was a 20 I think it was a sprinkle okay so a sprinkler guys and kids kids horrible Broadway show so all right so one of them ate at the restaurant or possibly several of them were not sure they might have scooped up some extra kids and guys yes there was a scooping of some kind because I don't know where he picked these these

little little nincompoops up but he had them so they chew and screw we called that a chewing screw back in my day back when I was bad in yeah I dine and dash was ours sorry oh dine and dash chew and screw so they chew they screw they dine they dash he catches them and rips the phone out of the hand and says this is my collateral you son of a bitch yeah which again I gotta I gotta hand it to this guy because you know this is a little I don't want to speak out of at a queef here but this is a white tablecloth fine dining place you'd think the guy would be a little little precious you know and he was like no no no paybacks a bitch motherfucker we're gonna do this the old fashion way you took some for me I'm taking some from you it wasn't just like I'm calling the police

sir it was like I'm handling this myself which I respect well yeah well nowadays you can lose your business for calling the police yes exactly you call the police they throw your poster up on the wall and say look at this piece of shit who calls the police when people steal from them yeah exact amundos strange times so yeah I thought it was a Karen situation with a filming but now he would just wanted his bill paid and he was gonna get it done crook cook or goop now you said you have some questions still what are your questions linked my my questions are where did this gaggle of tweens come from where do they get in there yeah the kids and guys mixed and ganged up but maybe maybe he called in for backup maybe he said hey get all the boys down here we gotta

go fight a restaurant owner I think maybe that was it but I gotta again this guy was so brave I mean they're circling him and I think a normal guy or your average Joe would have been like all right here's the phone just leave me alone because that's that's a rough moment I mean that's like circling the wagons that goes back to the west right I love those people that are just like I don't care this is yeah my stance is what I'm doing yes impressive and I don't look I don't want to paint pictures but I walk by this restaurant every day it's in my it's on my route and this guy is out there with a laptop he's trying to make deliveries he's trying to make takeout he's just trying to stay afloat you know these rents out here are anal and so I think he's like this is the

last straw like I've been going through hell you're not gonna fuck me wow well good for him I appreciate that guy and he didn't get the police involved because the lord knows what happens when the police get involved oh yeah and you know he didn't he kept his cool it felt like yeah yeah yeah brave cat I think the whole time he's going these are kids fuck him he was like me he looked at him like like little boys and he was like what are they gonna beat me up I'm a 90 year old man here or he's probably 55 or 50 well good for you for doing some investigating journalism you got in there and you got the scoop oh shit I got another scoop I'll save I'll save I got a big this is a different story oh a scoop tease big scoop tease all right that's good I love a scoop tease and

scoop doggy dog this is interesting because I'm going away like where the people are hearing this you know weekly but we had to record early so I'm gonna have to wait three weeks for the scoop tease so I'll remind us of this scoop tease for when we record again yes please please and uh I'll be in Wisconsin and Grand Rapids and a couple days if they still stand and uh yeah get the patreon uh cleave it up yeah north of the mason dixon seems to be okay it seems like yeah yeah so tell a friend check the website hit us up go gay and uh yeah you got you got some stuff join the patreon uh my I got no dates but uh check out you can check out Mindful Metal Jacket that's my other podcast where I'm interviewing comics and talking about their anxieties and stuff and

check that out it's getting some nice reviews and um the special they're talking August maybe so we got to wait on the special a little bit but that's only three weeks away maybe so I don't have a date just yet but probably around then and uh join the patreon we got a lot of stuff on their queefs and uh only fans we got to do that later some oh let's do it we'll figure that out later on but uh yeah go to onlyfans.com slash Tuesdays join the patreon and uh you know take care of each other be nice yes god love you bravo thank you