Tuesdays with Stories! - #358 Keen On Hike

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

It's a great ep today fatties as Joe goes to Maine before checking out some new wheels while Mark hurts his paw on a cactus and gives the lady a special COVID birthday present. Check it out! Sponsored by: Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) & ExpressVPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me holy hell folks we're here we're back I'm feeling good I'm smelling good well

that's not true how you doing fatty I'm doing okay you know plugging along it's quite stormy here today and I don't know doing pretty good I feel good you look thin and flush is it flush whatever where your skin is looking what is it flesh no like when you're not the the toilet flush not royal flush but when your skin is like all one color and no blotchy maybe that's not flushes maybe the opposite of that flush I think is bad flushes when you're anxious when you're like embarrassed you're getting flush like if someone's like hey you kind of want to fuck your cousin you're like oh no I don't know that you're flush got an

incest all right well you look rested gay I don't know either way you look like Christian Bale the machinist I know what you mean I think it's some complexion yeah there's something fuck I'll think of it someone will write it to us but I'm a little worried right now we're in my the comeback of my haircut yeah people like it I'm getting comment but I feel like I'm getting close to that retired haircut where you can't go back because it's spiked right I want to avoid Christmas at some point yeah that's what it feels like and I went to the barber I just feel a little like what's the Ben Stiller character oh happy what

in a Tropic Thunder yeah yeah he's like Mr. Happy or retired whatever I can't remember simple Eddie yes simple then simple Jack simple Jack yes that's concerned with so that's what I do in a hotel room but thank you and yeah I feel I got some color and I do feel a little fat though I'm eating a lot of fatty thing I was in Maine we had ice cream every single night so I got a little chunky monkey yeah yeah it'll get you I'm out in Wisconsin and this it's one of these skyline you know Tacoma Spokane one of those kind of gigs and they packed the green room which I love they pack it with all kinds of snacks and chocolates

and granola bars and Hershey's kisses and candy and soda and I just you know just drawers full it's like Richie Rich or some shit and I just can't stop eating and I feel like hell yeah I know that feel it's a nice nice little club there I didn't know that club what way back in the day so far no good yeah wow I never hit me yeah that was it and wasn't great not a great album I'm people should get the album just to hear how shitty this that's my pitch I think I told you I think I told you this before I had my best buddy in high school Nick Flynn who was like we were so tight but he had a good scam going

where he would spread rumors that he had a small cock I like it he's like I'm Irish I got the Irish curse a little dick and I heard that too it would get a little word of mouth going yeah like now it's good then people are thinking about your dick and then you pleasantly surprise him when you pull it out cuz he just had a normal dick or whatever that's not bad yeah maybe start tell me we have a small dick what what's the band-aid on your hand there oh oh wow good observation there fatty I moved into a new apartment and I think I talked about that and it this you got to come over at some point we got the whole roof

this thing is beautiful it's right in the heart of the village the location is bananas and when I'm when I looked at the place the guy before me left a huge cacti coming out of a big white vase I'm talking up to the ceiling one of those big old killer cacts and I said what's up with that cack and she goes the last person couldn't lug it out of here if you wanted I said oh I'll lug and so I kept it yeah so I kept this cactus and they're like they called and said we're gonna come back at Christmas and come get it and I said yeah on my asshole you will I don't think they're coming back fatty and so I was moving it and I cut

my hand so the cactus works yeah that's it's to protect he probably thought something bad was gonna happen and he cut you he's a part of we can cactus yes exactly I got shanked by Jose the cacti but hey it's a good price to pay for that I mean this thing's eight feet tall wow I'm excited to see the new place well when I buy my new car I'll drive on over to your place oh baby doll I can't wait we're gonna be a couple of swingers so we did a queef there I got a couple to talk about a couple things and I know you got a lot because you've been out and about and traveling and sure but I got a couple things I want to talk about we

did a queef the other day Thursday last Thursday and I talked about I want to buy a car a used car and I've now been convinced by a fan we were talking about buying a new car and now a fan has convinced me you gotta go certified pre-owned because we were talking about I was worried that someone took a shit in there and somebody rode the clutch or whatever sure sure but he said this certified pre-owned they do a hundred and seventy five point check and they legally have to tell you who owned it and it tells you one owner no crashes yes boobly boo and like a 2019 Nissan Sentra is like $7,000 cheaper than a

2020 and it's got like 8,000 miles which is nothing there you go that's what I'm saying right off the lot it loses five grand or whatever the hell I think this this kid knows his business yeah and he told me you know but everyone's giving you the thing you got to get a CRV you got to get a Honda you got to get a Hyundai everyone has the best car but I'm going with the canter advice why take I appreciate everyone's advice but I'm like why am I taking some guy on Instagram over you know a Jew that I've been close friends for a decade you got to get the Jew advice when you're buying a car but let me throw this right in your

asshole and see if it hits your milk prostate what if a used car dealer hit you up who has more intel than that cunt oh a fan that's a used car dealer I see well I haven't got one of those yet I don't think I had one guy he's like I'm a valet I've driven all these cars get out of here but here's the thing to and Sarah pointed out you know of course we we hate ourselves so we always just I always just think I'm dumb and everyone has better ideas but she's like you rent cars 12 weeks out of the year every year I've driven every car right why dismiss my own thing I've driven these cars so I have some wisdom you know yes

you've test driven 800 cars and here's the other thing you forget you get advice from people that have different values than you have we talked about a little in the queef so someone's like you got to do this but I'm like I don't want to go to three different places right it's not worth saving $2,000 to me if I got to go to three places I'm walking away goodbye oh I come back that sucks I'd rather spend two grand and leave I get it yeah time is money with us and and all that shit is I'd rather have no seat belts and not talk to somebody than talk to 20 people and have a seat belt exactly I'll figure it out

later so that's exciting and then the other thing is last week we talked about the monster dump I took which was really something a python award-winning that thing needed to put a little blue ribbon put right on that turd well I ate some blueberries and that helps so but I talked about it a lot you talked about it we talked about it I have literally never gotten a bigger response on anything I've ever done ever yeah Netflix tonight show Letterman you don't need the whole resume but it's a pretty good resume nobody was a it's unbelievable I think should be in the Smithsonian I mean it should be the

state fair so I gotta say it's on the patreon I've gotten I'm not joking 300 people over 300 people have message my Instagram account is just and I'm not even looking at Twitter these days so my Instagram it's all Instagram I've gotten emails text phone calls people were dropping things off of you know prop planes and someone wrote in the sky let's see the turd yeah this is something and if you want to see it it's on the patreon it's a huge monster dump and you know we were a little reluctant about putting on the patreon but it's up there now if you want to go see it for just as little as five bucks a month you

can go see a huge shit yeah I've seen it I've impressed I think you got a key that photo and then try to top it yeah wait well right now I just got back and I was eating some shit but I'm getting the spinach back going and I'm trying to try to get it back up there I'll get some oatmeal going and we'll see yeah the last couple days I've had some some nasty weird stomach shits but I think it's just anxiety I'll be alright I think it's anxiety the ice cream's catching up to you and who knows what the fuck yeah yeah what kind of asshole you ate in Maine yeah good point so that's what's going on here but yeah get on that

patreon go see the poop and and we did two bonuses last week I did one with Sarah so there's a ton of brand new shit on the patreon if you guys hop on there I mean come on folks you know your curiosity is tickling your sack when that that shit is just out there for the taking and that thing was a war let me let me throw this a speaking about the car thing please oh by the way the shitting I think it resonates because we all shit I think there's a book called everybody shits or something but you know you do a letterman it's impressive it's a milestone it's cool but you go that guy's on letterman with the shit we

can all feel we all are in our phallic period or what is it the anal stage you know we can all get behind it yeah and I think you know like he's like he said the curiosity of like well how big is this you know we paint a picture and I think I haven't heard from anyone that's been disappointed aha that's huge nobody has written yeah well that was bullshit you overplayed it whatever I want my money back everyone's been like whoa god you really did it so yeah I don't want to spoil alert but the shit is so big and it has a little side shit next to it it's it's almost like when they over make a milkshake and they got

to put the rest in the cup yes exactly it's got extra and you go here you can have this you give it to your son yeah well that piece I have to admit I put that there before I take a shit I just placed it in and then I shit next to it you had the freezer but yeah it's a hell of a shit it's a good time to be on the patreon and and like COVID our patreon members are spiking right now we had a little spike hell yeah I mean it's a lot of good stuff and people need the content or the shit tent by the way worst worst place at Bonnaroo the shit tent but let me say this about the car and this might be a hacky bit but you

talk about the pre-certified pre-owned whatever it is and you can see the history wouldn't it be great if you could do that with with dating apps I'm talking STDs how many fights you got into parental baggage you got a kid put it all in there yeah that would be nice DePaul had a bit kind of like that with the the snatch facts give me the snatch fact where he said you know this girl's like I slept with six women and he's like yeah but but who are they you know and he's she he would do you know one was Huey Lewis one was Patrick Ewing and then the other three were whatever and he's like I need this I need the snatch

facts all right well that bit's done then but that's a funny part about that to me was this is years ago I remember laughing so hard at Huey Lewis because I thought it was just a random guy he picked and I found out later that he was famous for having a huge cock huge but I actually thought it was funnier when he I didn't think he was famous for that to just throw in Huey Lewis was such a perfect name perfect name Huey is just comedy gold and it's so random because it's like you know 85 yeah sorry all right what were you gonna say I'll be shall be piped in but I think I'm I'll be ready with that but uh yeah so I got a

lot of to just to put on your your chin here if you're if you're ready for it yeah please do all right so I had a bit of a fan snafu and tell me if you've had this first of all I flew out to Wisconsin I got the I got the first class ticket how much does this kick in the in the taint you get the first class ticket just from the miles I've gotten so they bump you up sometimes sure and for the first time in history you get that first class ticket you go holy shit I'm in the front of the plane I'm gonna board first I'm gonna get a cocktail the whole thing and then they go it's COVID-19 times so we're gonna load the back of the plane

first and you go yeah so all the good is gone and then you go well I get a cocktail I get a cookie I'll get a hand job and they go we're not doing any drinks or food so go fuck yourself in the TV stuck on C-span and your mom's fat like god damn it yeah that sucks but I guess you still get to be looking on the bright side I gotta be the bright side guy here you still get to get off first you get a cushier bigger seat that's nice right right now you're right and you know it's nice that it's quite was the plane packed or half full what are we talking about what's it like out here it's about 80% it's getting every

time I fly it's more full than it was before so I think people are kind of just throwing their their semen to the wind there a little bit and just going out fuck it yeah it's a boy it's all good I don't want to go down the code hole here but boy it's all so kooky and confusing and you know I don't know what to think and do but what hearing you talk about it makes me miss the flying days I want my status and the miles but I just I think I'm good right here no you're good I feel guilty about it the whole time I don't know what the hell I'm doing but I got tested because Ari gave me a fucking bent my ear what he

called yeah I bent my ear on this shit so I got tested so I'm hoping it comes back negative with the antibodies that's what I'm I'm feeling I got but you never know how did they touch your brain and shit it looks very unpleasant and then some people say it's fine other people say it's horrible I went to Walgreens and they do free testing and they shoved a dildo up my nose till it hit my dandruff and it hurt was it uncomfortable it's very it's very uncomfortable it's like they hit a thing where you go okay that's enough and then they go just a little further and you're like God damn it's like total recall and they pull out

a big alien and all that shit and my Q-tip had orange boogers all over it but yeah it's a bitch but it's quick I can't even think about like to me I would rather have I genuinely I'm not even trying to be funny I would rather have Dan Soder I'm looking at him in a photo squeeze a bottle of lube on my asshole slip his dick all the way in swish it around pull it out put it back in fuck me for a half hour pull out come in my mouth make me swallow it then get a COVID test or do wow well some people would pay would pay money to get that Soder experience but yeah I guess I guess you're right but it's quick it's

in and out and you know you get to learn some about you the the antibodies test I think you have to give blood yeah but that's not so bad I've done that and they can prick your finger or whatever but don't they get an antibody test from the test test also they do but you can do it anybody separate I say yeah I thought about doing that a bunch people keep saying to donate blood because you find out your blood type and you get the antibody test and you're doing a good deed so I'm thinking about doing that but like we always talk about it's so much easier to not do a thing of course of course not doing anything is very

easy and I think we're gonna miss it when the pandemic is over when this is all over we're gonna go so I could use a two-month break right now guilt well you gotta be careful with that take cuz I tweeted that exact thing a couple months ago and people were like fuck you this is privilege you don't know what you're talking about and I was like geez I was just trying to look on the bright side here yeah boy you're mr. bright side all of a sudden huh well to me worry worry wart herphey well to me I mean I I think it's a positive look at some point we will be like that was kind of fun like I think about this we're

like post 9-11 you look back and you're like that was great yeah everyone together getting along I mean George Bush was throwing strikes and we were all like there was like an eagle landed on his head and fucking there was flags everywhere everyone was like we got yeah yeah you know we went to the wrong country and the whole thing unfolded but whatever but for a minute I mean for one minute I was like this guy is the fucking man that megaphone thing I was like this guy is great yes did they had on and we killed Ben Laden we all high five there was it was a simpler time folks I mean that was ten years later but

you know whatever true sorry I was drunk for a decade but either way flight whatever fine had a layover fine but here's what I wanted to get into so I'm walking around the the West Village with the lady as I do we do the daily walk you got to get out that sun is shining whatever and we walk by this restaurant and we say oh they're doing to-go drinks let's get a big high ball and and really soak in the the neighborhood and this guy Indian guy cool guy comes out and he goes oh oh oh you you're the comedian you're the comedian I go oh yeah and it there's like 20 people around buying drinks so it's super awkward and I'm like

yeah yeah and I gotta say it feels good being recognized in your own hood you're kind of like alright I'm supposed to live here you know it feels nice sure you feel like Al Capone you know like you're giving out the turkeys to the fat poor kids but either way so he's like oh whatever you want it's on me it's on me and I was like oh wow alright and then other people are going who is this you can see him going I've never heard of this fucking loser who's this homo he's a fucking piece of shit you know and they're googling me you know and now other people like taking photos because they're like I should just get this just

in case he is somebody is this a Jonas brother or a retarded boy meets world and so we get the free drinks and he goes you want dinner you want dinner it's on me and I go wow we just ate Chipotle fuck my ass I would kill this is a nice place so we go we'll just take the drinks thank you maybe we'll come back another time he goes come back I got you dinner and I go oh wow alright great so I'm feeling good we sip the cocktails we're walking around we bang we do anal we have an abortion the next day we go hey fuck it let's go to dinner at that place we got a free meal sure so so we don't eat all day we we get into a

fistfight you know the whole thing and then finally it's seven o'clock rolls around we go back to the restaurant he's like oh you came back oh man he's all chipper again we have our bullshit small talk oh how's the restaurant doing COVID yeah everybody's closing up I'm gay and we sit down I get the duck she gets the muscles I mean we go all out we got a couple cocktails Bill comes not covered ah what is that so it was a one-time oh an OTOTO one time one time only offer I guess so but at the at the the tail end of the dinner he goes you know what you guys are great you came back we got to know each other you live

in the neighborhood I got your last round of drinks whatever you want so we were like this before the check came so we're like wait huh what you round of drink I thought you had the meal and this this bill was we really hiked it up yeah I bet well maybe he wasn't too keen on the hike ah maybe he got his eyes on what was going on he said they boarded how many apps and he said he pulled the rug out from underneath you he pulled the old magic carpet out from underneath the the table or wherever you keep it yeah they call an audible and said that's too many yeah that he didn't like the hike or the cake so it got ugly and boy

that bill I would have gotten that the the the fucking mix green and a water and gotten her a grilled cheese and a seltzer if I knew I had to cover the bill because that would have been a hundred dollars but this is a swanky joint so it was it was to the moon Alice so we left there with our dicks between our legs and went back home and cried boy that's tough at least you got the free drinks that's nice I guess I got the drink but I'm telling you the night before you want a meal I got you you got to get the swordfish whatever hey do you work out no you should why the whole thing and I was like we are in with this Indian and

the Indian gave maybe um maybe next time he wanted to just plant a seed of if you'll come back and maybe next time you're in how do you do that how do you plant like you know he was like putting it out there and now that you've come maybe he's like okay he came so we hit him up next time I don't know I'm not sure I mean this is uh it's quite a pickle it's a pickle all right and this guy he he screwed the pooch and I think the thing is he was excited it's almost like after you fuck you know you you meet a lady at a bar you can't wake the bang you're so keyed up you're all turned on your heart is a rock and then you fuck

and you're like who the hell is this skank what is she doing here what am I doing with my life and she's thinking the same thing and I think the day difference killed it right yeah I think he was in a mood that day maybe he got the numbers that the next morning oh right right maybe his wife talked to maybe she overheard and goes what are you doing you're giving this fucking asshole the uh that's nobody maybe they listen to one of our episodes and heard a bunch of little and fucking went hey charge this guy double maybe but yeah that was it was a real magic carpet pull you're not kidding because uh in a way

he got off pretty good because I bought his uh you know his next tune up on his car with that with that bill so he does a little he gave me a little morsel and I came back and bought the whole barn wow well at least it was a good meal was it a good meal great meal the food's fantastic I forget the name of the place so I'd plug it but uh it was it was a real real goose for the gander yeah well that's that's tough but uh you know I'm I'm bright side Billy over here and uh you got you got some free cocktails and you had a nice meal and you got a story out of it's a little

shifty did you think at all about being like hey uh what's going on with the uh bill here did that cross your mind at all of it's too too awkward I mean I of course it crossed my mind but it's I can't go hey sloppy jalopy what do we got here I thought you said free meal I mean that's just too too on the nose I couldn't do it I just had to go ah how about that who broke a window Jesus let me throw this out there please did the waitress bring the bill ah because maybe

she didn't get word about the free meal that's a great question great question but he brought the bill no I know he put it right up my pooper wow that that I felt like I had something there I felt like maybe it was a miscommunication between the waitress and the owner now no you had something but uh he had something for me it was a big old three digit number but now here's an issue I've had before so maybe he may see you as a celebrity you know so he thinks because I've had this issue

before with eating with people that are rich and some celebrity types a lot of times these celebrity types they get free shit and they're the people that need them the least sure to me it's like you should just grab people off the street that aren't famous and be like come in here for a free meal right you know he should grab hobo joe with his dick out and be like sit here and have some duck you fucking loser yes I've always thought that because you know when you go to a bar and your friend works at the bar

and I think I've brought this up before but it's always a real real chuch because you go in and you go hey my friend works at the bar he's gonna hook me up and your bartender friend goes hey my friend's coming to the bar he's gonna hook me up so now you get the free highball and then you give your friend a big tip and then you realize wait a minute I just tipped him more than the actual drink and a tip would be and so who's winning here yeah I remember having that with canter before because he bartended for years

and I remember like throwing down like 70 bucks at the end of the night because I drank 300 of the booze right and I remember doing that at a comedy club too and I was featuring and I was trying to be like big dick bill I'm always bill and I drank free I tipped out a hundred bucks and I think it was Colleen at the Omaha funny bone she was like it was and she came back and was like what are you doing give 10 bucks you the feature no one expects money from you what are you doing she's like this ridiculous yeah but she was just like she had just signed a

check to me for 380 bucks I was like what are you crazy right and she's like the features don't even tip usually like you give 10 bucks as a feature you're a hero wow she's a hero that's a that's a sweet mom right there well it was also a thing of like just my like alcoholic ego being like I saw a fucking you know Colin Quinn do this one time you gotta tip out the weights that I'm like throwing money around and I you know I have debt and whatever the fuck yeah well speaking of a debt

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all right you got it well uh i moved departments which is fun in theory you know on paper i'm moving on up i'm gonna rent my play i bought my apartment in the village tiny studio lunch stuff and i moved up to a bigger place and i'm gonna rent this place which my money guy our money guy was like don't do that what are you crazy it's the worst time to rent it's a pandemic nobody wants that shit box of an apartment you're crazy you gotta find a mover in her and then get the big place

and i said look russ you're right you're smarter than me you're a jew but i just i gotta get out of here i'll take the risk so we hide tail out of there we pack up everything which is god packing sucks moving sucks every piece of it every inch of it sucks so we we call these uh russian guys who we need a truck and you know they show up and they do this thing now i don't know i used to move furniture back in the 80s and it was hell but it was very simple you move this you move that they paid you hourly the white lady gave you a nice

tip you move on with your life these guys do it now by going how many items do you have exactly how many furniture whatever whatever we're gonna do a tally and we're gonna charge you that way okay which i guess is the new system yeah it's a weird system it's weird so i'm on the phone with this fucking pollock and i'm going uh i got all right we got a couch we got a uh a bed we got a dresser we got a couple boxes here we got a tv you know i'm just kind of high eyeballing it and he goes okay okay putin or whatever he hangs up

and then these cats show up at 7 a.m and you don't realize what shit starts adding up because he goes what about that picture on the wall and you're like oh fuck i forgot about the picture let me take that down oh shit i forgot about the record player yeah and you just start and he goes this is ending up not good you know he pulls out the big fucking he's got the visor on you know with the the receipt britain and i'm like what are you doing to me chotsky so uh boy that was a pretty penny at the end of the day

gee he sounds very similar to the restaurant guy i mean i think they're in cahoots something's up maybe my neighborhood's full of these weasels i think this russian pollock you described there he might be in cahoots with the uh afghani woman at the restaurant yeah it's all one thing like in um you know the old garfield cartoons with that one guy was everybody oh yeah yeah yeah or when they're running and every business is the same behind the background yeah it sounds similar but i mean so you you got it moved over there though didn't you by the way why didn't you get

the comics aren't there a bunch of comics that do moving i know i don't know what i was thinking i didn't that didn't even cross them i used to be a comedy mover and i didn't even think about that and uh i don't know i also you know i'm like you i don't want to chit chat with some some weirdo comic i don't know you know it's a whole new world out there with the open micers i should have done that though it probably would have saved me a thousand dollars but you know we moving to new play and you gotta see this place it's beautiful but when we got to the new place one guy

goes water can i get some water and i go oh yeah yeah yeah i'm by pouring water on this guy's face like it's a wet t-shirt kind of just trying to get his get some good will from this fucking dick and uh they put everything back in they put your they take your bed apart they put the bed back together i mean these guys were pros and it felt like you know the guys who put the cable in on seinfeld cable boy oh yeah it was those guys that's what they looked like

wow and and at the end i go what are you russian and he goes i am not russian i'm georgian i was like georgia what are you what are you peach atlanta what are we talking but apparently there's a there's a country next to russia called georgia yes yes i think i remember here i think it was part of the ussr they did the breakup well they sprinkled a bunch of nations in there yes well they hate russian so he was like i said the n word this guy flipped out on me and i was like jesus christ so i tip

big and in the in the comment on venmo i wrote fuck russia and he wrote back thank you or something like that so well it was it was a long god moving sucks i clocked it the whole thing was three and a half hours it felt like three days wow three and a half doesn't seem too bad no no it wasn't bad and we got into a new place there's boxes everywhere and it's a nightmare because you're like where the hell is my dental floss then you're fucking pulling things out from eighth grade or a port card a panty hose a dildo

and it's a nightmare but we'll get there and you gotta see it now is this uh now is this a positive or a nice uh a negative that you're on the road now so you got three days for your lady to do what she wants with it is that good like she's unpacking for you helping or is it bad because you get there and you're like hey this isn't how i wanted it well we did we did a lot of discussing and a lot of compromising on the decoration obviously she hated the old place because there was nothing but cone and o'brien posters and uh you know weird alges

but uh she's like just doing the boxes now and we're gonna decorate later so i'm actually scoring right now because she's doing all the uh you know the unpacking and then we'll do the fun decorating later where you get the shag carpet and the nice photo and the print on the wall the weirdo lighting that's exciting now describe the place it is is it two floors is there a balcony there's an outside there's a window i mean hit me with it i mean here's the clinker i don't want to give my address away but you've walked by this place a hundred million times i'm sure i don't even know if

that's a number but it's got a garden i'm on the third floor it's got an elevator it's got a beautiful lobby it's got uh a sunken living room jerry i got two steps into the living room oh my god that's the dream the dream that's why i poked that's why i peaked and uh d a l r y m p l a so um uh it's got a sunken living room with two little steps that go down and the steps have these little cute handrails this is pre-war baby it's got a separate kitchen it's got four closets it's got a roof deck it's got a huge bedroom it's got a ton of light

i mean you're gonna jizz and my sister's snatch when you see this place wow i can't wait now have you found somebody to rent the other place we had one what do you call it a uh a client not a client checker outer tenant not tenet with somebody who's interested in it oh i thought tenet was big i was pumped about tenet well they will be a tenet when they when they rent but i can't think about this a perspective buyer respective what is that is it respective or perspective prospector shit i don't know that's that's a good question like we're all

we're close so what happens so you're showing it to them or what so this fucking coos comes by who's going nyu with their fucking uh huge dad who's a golf course guy or whatever you know he's got like a white hat on and a sweater vest and a pink polo and they walk in and they're you know they're all connecticut and schooner and boat shoes and they walk in they go oh no thank you and i was like fuck you i lived here for seven years with a lady with huge tits we made it work your your your come guzzling daughter can't sit here

so they're not into it it was a hard hard erect to know oh boy well you got the location going but i do imagine it might be tricky to sell a place in manhattan right now i mean but manhattan we're decreasing we're on the everywhere else is worse now it feels like they're gonna get people from arizona going hey maybe i'll move to the village that's true that's true that's all i got going for me and uh yeah praying to god somebody rents it because if not i'm paying two rents in this new place is pretty hefty yeah i can imagine i mean just by the

description it sounds insane but yeah two rents would be tough maybe there's a comic or somebody that could snake take it well here's the clinker is a couple comics reached out and said hey i'm a twos gay i heard you're renting your place i want to get in there i love the village what is it going for and i told them the price and they said i just heard boooosh the fucking dial tone hit me and i was like ah shit i'm fucked yeah this could be uh tricky but i i think you'll figure it out it's a nice place praying to Allah here yeah we'll see but this this is exciting i mean big

big moves big moves big big changes i changed management i changed agents i changed sexual orientations and apartments so it's it's quite a quite a pandemic here boy that is exciting yeah i got uh i'm i'm thinking about getting a car we can have a new house in a car this is insane together we're like one real man yeah close we're getting there getting there boy maybe so i don't i'm hogging i don't want to i got i got more but i uh i want to let you run the gamut well it sounds like you got a ton of stuff i mean i don't have too much i went to main uh with the family and that was really

something but i got the uncle you take a big risk so i had to talk to my parents and be like listen this is up to you like we're here we're very safe we wear our mask indoors when social distancing is not possible and yada yada and so far we've been fine but you know my mother's 83 my dad's 41 they're sick they booze you know who knows so i had to go i'm willing to go there and hang out and share a house but you gotta tell me what you want and they kind of they don't give a fuck they're like yes i mean they wear the mask and everything but my parents have

both been working the whole time they both work in hospitals wow they're not in care they're not you know smart but they're they they work at a hospital and so they've been working they're like yeah we we do it whatever so we went up there and you're a little nervous you don't want your mother to die because of you but she's signed off on it so i'm like i'm no longer responsible wow that's the way i look at it so oh good have they been tested because if they work in the medical field i feel like it could be easy to get a little uh pregnancy test yeah they've been tested

a couple different times because they have to they're like required and they have the thermometer thing when they go to work it's like shoots them in the head and whatever so we drive to to main and normally we fly to portland normally we do a gig first two years ago we did montreal and drove from montreal to main which is a beautiful ride then last year we did providence first and drove my agent so good at syncing up these gigs i love that the routing and this year we were supposed to do portland main on the way up there that that room that i love that i hope survives yeah empire empire yeah i think

it's empire so we couldn't do it because of everything and like i said on the quiff main has like the least cases they got like 12 people up there and there was people holding signs and shit on the bridge the uh piscata quah bridge and they're all saying go back to douche chuchus it's fuck you they're like get the fuck out of here but it's it's the whole catch in release of whatever with covet is main is all tourism i mean the whole state is new england and new york tourism right so if we don't come they're fucked but if we

do come we might be bringing covet oh yeah it's tough there was a whole thing and uh we ended up renting a car i'm like we'll just drive all the way and we were going to go camping in new hampshire the day before we're like we'll get a tent that's nice you know distancing yada yada and uh it was a huge storm so we couldn't camp drove all the way up to uh i don't want to say where exactly ocean point and uh met up with the fam and it's that thing where

you don't hug you kind of keep your distance in the in our minds like we'll hang out outside the whole time because outside is magical or whatever but it's raining and cold the whole time so you end up in the house and you know those hours pass you start to just be like and another thing you son of a bitch and then it was fine so far you know everyone's healthy whatever but i got that one uncle you always have the uncle he's like if fucking there wouldn't even be a problem if these fucking people would just play by the rules

and do what they're supposed to do and i'm just laughing i'm like there's 17 of us in the living room right now and we got license plates from nine different states i'm like we're we're not doing it right i'm like i agree with people are just going around with no mask and saying fuck it but i'm just laughing i'm like well right now we are there's 15 of us in a house indoors no mask hanging out so we're not much better granted we weren't going to parties and bars and mix it up if we get sick it's my family gets sick but right um but yeah it was a that's

that's how people are that's human nature you know you get everybody else sucks we're good fuck them you're gross i'm cool you know we all do it and and it's everywhere i go is i wear a mask i keep the mask on and then you're in a green room with with four guys and they just come back off and it's just you don't even realize it and you're all hanging out and then we got back in the guy's car last night and we put the mask on for the car i'm like we've been hanging out for six hours why are we it's just like a a routine thing you know it's it's the same with the guy who walks around the

grocery store with a mask on he yells at the other guy who's not wearing a mask then he goes up to the cashier who's not wearing a mask and does his shit you're like it's just it's semantics it's all it's all cool cool we're trying to relearn or whatever but um but yeah it was fun and then we wore a mask when we go to shops or wherever the hell and then we tried to spend as much time outside as we could but it was just a great time i don't have a lot of great stories it was just nice we hung out with the family got to see my parents

you know whatever had a big one day it was nice we had a great wiffle ball game and there's nothing better i organized this wiffle ball game with my family i'm like come on and i love the feeling of people are skeptical they're like i don't know wiffle ball i haven't played and i'm like shut up and just start walking you get the people walking to the field yes once they're up there and i felt like a kid because we had three frisbees we just happened to have three frisbees i threw him out there like bases and then we had a folding chair that we put as

home i'm like that's the strike zone of course we had to do with the strike zone because half the people just it was like nine ten strikes you're like no strikeouts just as many as you want gentlemen's game and we had some real young kids and we had like my father my uncle good group it was like a five on five wiffle ball game sun was shining and i love those moments where everybody completely gets into the game everybody because that hour and a half is full on into the wiffle ball game no one's

worried about covid or their you know their father fucking being sick or their mother blowing their uncle and their wife cheating on them everybody's just playing wiffle ball great time we had so many laughs and we're running and sliding and you suck and you stink and you home run and blah blah blah and that was the highlight big epic wiffle ball game and i have an addictive personality as you know i want to play for hours like one person is like let's take a break and i'm like no no come on

this is like i feel i would have played for seven hours like fucking benny under the lights fourth of july right right right yes wow ever squints mrs peppercorn uh yeah that's amazing that sounds nice and that's the beauty of sports it's a beauty getting out and that's what we've gotten away from all we're doing is just online netflix netflix uh phone phone phone the sport is the exact opposite of that you're with your family the sun is shining and you're throwing a ball and you're yelling slide slide you know catch it catch it you just

you're you're uh escaped it's great yeah it was a man escaped it was really fun and uh it was just nice you know with a lot of walking around hanging out and like it was a little drizzly at times but we did a couple hikes and hiking the drizzle is great and you know it was all basically outdoor activities which was fun when you're like we got to stay outside you know campfire every night i had like one night we had a seven hour campfire i was the campfire guy and uh i love to be that guy and yeah there was some animal swimming in the lake behind us we're like is it a beaver is it a muskrat it was like all this

running debate which was really fun and uh just uh just a great time and then you know we go in town we do a little shopping but you wear the mask indoors you don't wear it outdoors and uh it's not not that hard really no no and it's actually quite soft so far it's uh been working for us and the people i know you you wear a mask when you can't social distance and then outside is a little bit better and uh so far so good here here well said and i'm i'm with you yeah just throw the thing on and get over yourself um all right i got i got a big nugget here that i want to throw out and then

then i'll let you go all right hit me bring us home and i'm happy to be here i got nothing to do all right so i felt bad because uh i'm trying to pay the bills here now that i got seven apartments i'm uh you know donald trump guy i'm real estate man here but uh the lady had a birthday and so i said shit i'm gonna be on the road for the weekend which is like her big birthday bash and so i said i gotta do something to really make up for missing the b-day and all that and uh so i came up with a fun nugget of an idea

all right i wanted to take her out to a nice restaurant it's all outdoors you got the 18-wheeler going by the hobo's jerking off on the sidewalk when you're trying to eat so i said let me try this so i found a table and i put it in a beautiful area with all these plants and roses and trees and bushes and i got two chairs and i bought all her favorite foods i'm talking all i got the sushi i got this baguette thing she likes i got she loves seltzer water and this kind of wine i got all the works then i got her a big gift and a bunch of other things some dessert and whatever

all the things she likes the best then i hired a comic to be our waiter what jesus christ hey buddy i'll give you a couple bucks you throw on a bow tie a mustache and slick your hair back and you'll be like a douchey french waiter at our little table in the middle of the rose garden and he said i'm in and he's like i haven't had any work this is a paid gig i'm in he comes out from brooklyn tyler fisher oh i love tyler so funny check out tyler fisher on youtube but i mean this guy should be on snl he's a talent he can do any

impression any uh any voice he's great yeah one of the most talented people i've ever met in my whole life completely completely so he gets he's one of these guys i'm not just he's on a hired gun he's on board he's like he made a poster of the of the restaurant name and hung that up he showed up with his guitar i told him all these inside jokes so now he's delivering the food and saying the inside jokes she's going wild oh wow signed off her chair it was fucking beautiful and he's doing it all in a french accent and he's showing she loves this

seltzer water that's like a new york seltzer comes in a shitty plastic bottle and he's doing the thing where he's he's got it over his forearm he lets her taste it you know swirled around i mean it was he fucking killed it this guy killed it he memorized the script he made the sign he had the outfit he comes up and plays a guitar next door a little romantic ballad he played her favorite song i mean this guy i wanted i should have given him 10 grand for this he just knocked out of the fuck hamilton tyler a hamilton stinks

yeah might get canceled by the way so uh it was just a beautiful night the sun is setting we got all this food we got some wine we got it tyler playing the hits and uh he just goes you guys have a great birthday happy whatever and he leaves and me and the lady go back to the house we open her gift and we just plowed the night away in our new apartment wow i mean i imagine at that point you could go full bore i mean spit on my cock stick a shoe in my ass all the things i want you know totally yeah pretend to be my mother you know spank me put on a mustache and say

you love me and say i'm steve you know the whole thing i mean did you did you go for anything weird sexually did you make her put a shoe on or anything like that well i don't want to get too graphite but she's a big big fan of getting nasty she likes you know she's a bean town whore and likes to really slop it up and so she's always like i want to do butt stuff but her buttholes it's like a needling a thread it's a or a thread to needle it's so small i i get a a speck of dust in there like her asshole could never get coven you could pump coven in there with a with a a fucking pressure washer it wouldn't go in

wow so i got a a thumb in there at some point and that was pretty hot even though she she hit the roof she was like but uh it was a great night and and it was super cool because we had the beautiful dinner and then we had the uh the new apartment bang the first christening so it was very romantical and uh win win for everybody and then i had to get on a plane the next day but you know you know when you're a kid and you get a new toy and you're at school and you can't wait to get home and play with it of course that's how i feel about the apartment i just love it so much

it's so pretty it's so big it's so cool and i'm it's a bummer i want to go home and touch it yeah it's exciting it's like having a a kid you're just like oh i just want to you know kiss its genitals softly and stuff like that yes i mean how exciting i can't wait to see this place uh hopefully i can get out there soon i might be in the village um next wednesday or tomorrow if you're listening live it's a date please come by yeah so uh yeah i'm coming to the village i gotta pick something else up and do a whole thing so i'm excited to see this fucking place well i gotta tell you too the village is booming right now like first of all it's

open container law is out the window so every tom dick and anal is out there with it with a cocktail and it's such a pretty street and it's summertime so everybody's in their flip flops and shorts and they got the shirt open and a fedora on and uh they're just drinking it up and there's guys playing music in the street and it's just primo primo uh west village time so you gotta come by see the place we'll walk around we'll get a bite and you go to the water you can't beat it all right sounds good it's a date i'm coming in and uh i'm looking forward to it yeah shit i had something else to say about the village and i fucking lost it but uh

shit yeah good times and i gotta tell you you have a great apartment and i've always lived in that goddamn uh you know shoebox so having an apartment you like it's a game changer yeah no it's like magical i love it it's nice a nice spacious play i mean the multiple rooms is key like my wife is here i'm in here doing a podcast and she's out there uh you know eating cheese it's or something i don't know what she's doing but it's not i mean you had that one room thing it was you can't hide from anybody even when you're shitting yeah yeah i had the the ventilated door that was like a collapsible and you couldn't shit this you could take a you could take a miscarriage in this bathroom at the door locks it's a wooden door it's beautiful

awesome well i can't wait to see it and uh it might be end up being the new lunch stuff studio at some point who knows when yeah even if we have to go on the roof i mean the roof is magical so it's all good stuff uh roof makes me nervous with this podcast why i want to do it in a fucking bomb shelter anyone overhearing that my god that we they'll be shooting us with the fucking uh what do you call it snipers that's true and there's a lot of uh geysers in this place if i might say so so uh who knows if we say one geriatric joke they might although i don't know these people probably killed killed some jews and made uh indians so who knows yeah the geysers don't give a fuck about any of this that's true they've they've been around it's fine it's all flipped

everything flips and it's all cyclical and my balls smell weird um true and uh hey folks get on the uh get on the patreon we mentioned it i mean mark has two fucking houses so uh if you want to get in on there there's a lot lot to see lot to do i mean there's a big giant dump on there for you to see and uh a ton of bonus shits again all the live episodes we're gonna start having some guests on the uh the bonuses yeah coming up soon so get on that and uh i think i'm very close to a release date on my special which i can't even remember the special it feels so long i feel so removed from it it's so weird yeah totally it's been been years since you shot that thing it feels like and obviously the world went to hell before or after you shot it so

it feels like another lifetime yeah we're close to a date i can't i can't announce it just yet but i think it might be early august i think i hope that's pretty soon that's right around the anal right around the river bend so we'll start promoting that puppy and i mean you want it to get in the pandemic a little i hate to say it but just so people are home yeah so yeah we'll see i don't know we might who knows what's gonna happen but get excited about that and i made this little dumb short film on that i put on my youtube channel go check out my youtube i made a little video called warts and uh a lot of really mean comments but whatever you know those people probably have their own problems go subscribe to my youtube check that out and uh yeah do that

and i'm doing this podcast mindful metal jacket you can check that out and uh eventually i'll do live show i'm doing a live show in pennsylvania it's an outdoor show i don't know where it is but i forget when it is too i'll figure that out july 31st it's somewhere in pa people are raving about metal jacket uh might salacuse soul fat sal he listens to he loves it oh that's nice i appreciate it yeah i've gotten some really touching reviews it's really nice so go check it out subscribe whatever and um yeah it's been fun yeah get on the patreon too i'm gonna i'm gonna probably do some solo like a 10 minute individual quiff uh every now and then did you hear that no oh something really quiffed in my ear there but uh yeah yeah so yeah patreon let's

let's build that thing up and really pump it out and i'm gonna call i'm texting jerry today i've already got a plan and i'm just gonna say can you can you talk oh and then if he rides back i'm just pushing dial i'm just gonna push it and and run away i love it that's the way to do it get in there reach out all right i'm doing it so next time we talk uh i'll let you know if he's got a restraining order on me sounds good to me all right fatty well hey give him hell and stay safe and i'm glad your family's still gay and praise i love yeah live it up see you later georgia cut it