Tuesdays with Stories! - #359 Cleav Drip

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

We're beatin' the heat and staying gay as Mark gets to know the new neighbors and while Joe gets all hot and bothered picking up furniture before getting emasculated while buying a new car. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeo.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) & Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to Tuesdays with stories I am Joe list I got spiky 90s hair and that's mark Norman over there hey I can't stop sweating I'm gay it's a heat wave I hate it I hate the heat what what's the

AC situation at the new place well this place is pretty sprawling I don't want to brag but so we got the AC in the bedroom because you want a nice crispy sleep time you know you want that that ice cold room for the bed but the living room is a whole another planet and we don't have the we got to buy a new one I guess because the living room is a fucking hotbox well we got the same exact situation it's this New York living there's no central air anywhere unless you're loaded I guess or like yeah loaded loaded and we have the same thing so I'm sitting in the bedroom so we call it the pool we'll go I'm gonna go sit in the

pool so we'll be in the living room you're watching you know golden girls or whatever it is and you're just pouring sweat but it's kind of nice because you know you have the pool yes so sometimes we'll pause and be like pool break and we'll come in here and just sit for a few minutes and then it actually gets cold in here so once you're chilly you go back out into the sweat thing and it's like a little thunderstorm situation it's nice that's so funny because we call the cold bedroom we call it the pond okay is that and we call the living room Auschwitz it's so fucking sweltering that's so weird you pull pond pull pond

well it's a nice pull pot that's what it feels like is it taking a dip it feels like you dip it in and dip it out zip it up and zip it out okay is everybody do that Dave my favorite is you're in this hot box your body is getting this glisten of jizzy film on it because it's that wetness that do Mountain Dew and then you go in there and those sheets are like ice and you go look at your body's all coming and then you get on the hot or the cold sheets and they well it feels like a like a ice tray it's pretty nice well here's the other thing with the New York living is so we have this is like an alley in between us

like there's just a building to the right like four feet apart so there's like a little whatever it is six foot alley but there's no breeze like the bedroom ironically if I have this window open there's no building behind us so a breeze will flow through oh but you want the AC on right so the breeze does nothing we don't the breeze in the living room so the living room we have two windows open but then you have the shades and there's no breeze so I tried to open the window and move the shade back to try to get some breeze but everyone next door has the same idea so you look out there and you just see an old guy with his

ball bag sticking out right then there's like a middle-aged woman laying on her bed with fat legs and you just you're just looking right at them like there's watching me watch TV and I'm I glance over and I can literally see somebody's asshole just in the window it's like fish tanks we're all just living in these weird aquariums and it's kind of an unwritten rule in the Big Apple where you just kind of go that's a geriatric whore with the varicose veins in a huge labia but hey it's New York fuck it and then you're you're shirtless over here my gal she's got big floppy tits and a decent bod so she's walking around I'm

like what are you doing you're gonna show the world she's like let bring it on I'm like oh man am I tiny dicks all shriveled up I I put an oven mitt over that thing immediately well so my ex-girlfriend was like that she would change right in the windows and we lived in Harlem and you know she had made me nervous at the top progressed everybody don't worry but I was like they're gonna be fucking kicking in our door after you what are you nuts of course I mean she's just a petite blonde 20 year old Colorado ski chick oh I've seen that in the window my god yeah yeah of course you know that's my fantasy probably

projecting there but she would walk around and her line was always my their loss I'm like people can just see you she's like well their loss and it was a joke I don't get it that's a bit because she she's saying she's gross she's saying she's gross but obviously she was hot you know I see I see but I mean it's their win but you know there was be like outside of our window it's like a hang up there you know it's old-school New York there'd be nine guys sitting around like on my car and we're right in the window first level just I mean literally this four guys standing outside she's new to the window so I think she might have

her own fantasies or something but I think so that sounds a little little hot and bothering but hey you know me but they're lost you know but yeah well they didn't lose the boner that's still there so I don't know I think they're doing fine but can I can I jump into your your your big thing here my big thing my soul now I got I've already jumped into there that's my pool that's above ground but you got to tell the world the big big to do that was gonna be my closer what are you nuts we're four minutes in here now you put it we already started a panic I did the closer in the in the beginning I was

bobbing we got 55 minutes to go and you're jumping the lead or leading with whatever it is burying I'm fucked I first of all I'm losing my mind over the Harlem comment I felt like it came off racist I'm a bad person she was she was very fit and blonde and there was people hanging outside our window I'm afraid we're gonna get shut down for that oh it's fine but look Harlem's white now no one knows what you mean well I'm just saying here in Astoria it's a bunch of old fucking fat ladies walking around in Greeks but over there it was young spry gentlemen right outside of our window and oh god we're gonna get

canceled for Christ's oh have you seen that porn the blacked no site and I'll pretend I don't watch it it'll it'll either ruin your life or be the best thing that ever happened to you it's it's just a like a four NBA players basically just drafted you know they're like 18 and there's a petite little blonde pasty whitey Irish chick and she's just getting airtight every hole filled rotisserie flipped over twisted turn in topsy-turvy and it's a it's a scene man well that doesn't sound like something I'd be into but if you can send me the link immediately that would be that would be great I just wanna flag

it so I make sure I don't watch it but yeah I did I take it all back you know the whole thing sorry and now you're fine I'm hard if it makes really better but it's it's a dad's nightmare I'll say that well anyways so yeah we'll jump into the big thing here I don't know why we're gonna fill the rest of the show because I was really gonna tease and lead and do the whole thing here but save it save it I blew the water I shot the gun or whatever that jumped the gun jump the shark jump shot what else you got and the hook shot what okay well first first no no this ain't Raymond so how about this this I think this could

be a bit this was a story I don't want to build it up because then people are gonna be like that's not a bit you suck fuck you by the way I haven't been looking at Twitter but I keep talking about I don't look at Twitter so these people they get an Instagram account just to come in and be like hey still here you fucking loser Jesus these trolls they're they're non-stop they they're persistent you like you look on their thing like they've never posted a photo they don't have any followers they're just like I just letting you know you can't hide from us you cuck loser you yeah but anyways so Sarah has gotten

really into this Poshmart situation a familiar with Poshmart Poshmart is that clothing yeah so it's it might be right up your alley there really it's this website where you can go it's like another social media thing basically it's another thing to obsess over but you you can post your old shit and sell it that you don't want it's like a yard sale but like an app for that oh I like it so you can type in furniture so Sarah's been getting us furniture on Poshmart so you find these old it's like good for the environment and all that bullshit right you post it and you go dining room set and then you find like all these people in

your neighborhood in Astoria or whatever that are like I got a dining room set 50 bucks it's mid-century yada yada it's got a stain yeah she's been doing that and I'm a little bit like what are we hobos we don't need old furniture we have furniture our furniture's fine you know you could be buying a chest of corona you never know exactly it's weird times but you can sell your shit too she sold a couple pairs of pants and a pair of my underwear and you know ceiling fan whatever yeah I'll come on it yeah I like come on everything but so she sells she buys she finds like this table she's like I got an old kitchen table it's wooden and I'm

like all right great and she's like I gotta go pick it up and she doesn't do the thing where she's like can you help me go pick it up she's like I gotta go pick it up I gotta figure out maybe I'll take an Uber I got this big table I gotta lug it back and I'm like well you want me to carry the table I can come help you little passive aggressive I'm your husband for God's sake yeah I'll go pick up the table all right but she knows you're gonna say that I think so I think it's more I don't think it's passive aggressive I think it's insecurity that don't want to be a burden and you hate me and everyone hates me you know that I

get I feel that way with podcasts I'm like hey would you mind doing a queef with us if you don't want to just throw hot coffee in my face I'm a piece of shit same don't you go give me no oops sorry no you go ahead I said don't let me start on the Seinfeld text like you're like give him a call I'm like what do you I'm a burden I feel like he sees my number on the phone and goes ah god Jesus and just throws his phone in a lake he might I mean it's a it's a gamble but I don't think he does all right all right I appreciate that then that that will sadly keep me going for the rest of the day because a guy like that he

could just write hey fuck off dude like he's that's he's known for that that's his point good point you have a point he's not what if you did that with like Nick Griffin he might be you know the phone and just praying that you don't call again but Seinfeld would just be like hey get out of here you fucking loser good point all right all right thank you continue no problem I was outside of his apartment last night I went by I was with Sarah and I I took her by his first apartment and then was pointing to the current apartment being like huh look at this wow lived here and now he lives there and with a non

Seinfeld fan they're just like yeah all right who gives a shit yeah but look what jokes got him it's crazy and it's literally the the fake address from the show was his first apartment 129 West 81st and you can go there and it's just like a whatever apartment it costs nine grand now right but back in 76 it was like 300 bucks and you're like now he's in this building and you can see the one from the other wow and I'm like this is history this is the address from the show and and if we were alive in the fake show we would know him and she's just yawning and just just tweeting and looking on posh Martin I want to kill

myself but yeah story my life too I do all that shit with the lady and she's like I don't care my girlfriend hates views that really bugs me like will be will be in Malibu or Italy or something and I'll be like look at this I look at that a mountain like landscape and the rolling hills and she's like hey what are you gonna do I'm like what are you kidding that's that's God's jizz right there are you not she's like yeah yeah blow me wow hates a view I know what is that I mean not the show we all hate the show but yeah hates a view that's a bad point of view if you ask me but POV good also good porn it reminds me of

my my curby enthusiasm line that I always want to give to Larry and annoy him please I think I've told you before probably on the show where the two characters are walking and someone maybe Cheryl says hey look at look at the sunset and he goes I don't feel like it I think it's a perfect Larry line as per I thought he said that now that's a it's a it's a JL that I want to be an LD but right everything I do I do for him but anyways back to the story yes so she goes I gotta go pick up this table I'm like alright let's go get the table and it's like Sunday afternoon sunny day I don't feel like it I'm bringing someone

else's trash we already have a table I'm just pouting the whole way but trying to keep a good you know pair of tits on sure we go over there it's down the street and I'm pick I'm expecting you know some 75 year old woman who's about to die and she's cleaning out her closet or maybe it's like a widow or whatever so we sit there and she's like okay she's coming down the door opens and like it's like it's two women carrying a table so they got to like kick the door open with their shoulder you know so I run in hold the door open yeah it's two 25 year old smoke shows oh god who are the hottest women I've ever seen and it's

mid Sunday afternoon it's a heat wave they got tank tops no bra boxer shorts like booty boxer shorts they're all sweaty and they're like hey here's the table one of them very friendly the other one was a kind of shit she's on the phone she's like yeah yeah they were like thank you so much we'll give it a good home and I'm like this is crazy what is a dental office in the building isn't that strange and she's like yeah it's weird right and I'm like I'm looking there they're bending over to grab the stuff and you can see nipples the whole situation wow and we walk out of there we got this big table and now I'm like we

got to sell the couch let's sell the couch we don't need a bed what are we doing with a bed I need some new picture frames I'm now I'm addicted I'm all posh mart wow this is wild I mean again it goes back to porn and also I know you I know you like an independent lady a lady who's like doing shit riding a bike or painting a house or you know killing a moose and these gals are carrying stuff so I bet that got even got even hot and bothered her well there they're carrying and their cleaning house you know they're taking care of stuff they're recycling I mean they had like the ponytail with the sweat like

looking shitty but hot you know the shitty shitty hot love shitty hot that's big that's a good look I mean I mean four sets two sets of tits four tits total zero bras drip the the the cleave drip you know I love a cleave drip great character on cheers might even saw a stain maybe some kind of wet moisture stain and I'll tell you I'm all over posh mart like it's bumble I'm looking at afghans and hampers and bureaus oh boy man oh man maybe we'll we'll get on there maybe we'll just get a dinette set just to get one off I mean you got to get involved because I thought it was gonna be old bags but the old bags they don't

know how to use the digital business so yes they give it to their nieces and their nieces are out here saving the planet one nipple at a time and I highly recommend this posh martin alright well hell let's let's just start throwing our our recliners out the window I got shit we need a new bark around you there call up call up Tammy in Queens it goes both ways because if you sell they come to your home but I think buying buying is the way to go because they're all the shovel it's not like they're putting on their business I mean these girls were in sweats and flip flops I saw a toe really hot stuff oh boy oh boy this is

something man oh man credenza well and I'm taught you got a new place I mean you could use some posh mart stuff maybe a fortune on this shit out of this furniture furniture so expensive and I love my such a quiff I like all the mid-century jizz and anal and all that so like I'm pretty particular but this is all real vintage you got to get posh mart ASAP the next day we went this is a whole bigger story but we happen to be in the car with Steve Rogers and we got a table set mid-century authentic whatever yada yada adjectives and it was right down the street my house and we happen to be in a car we scooped it up

this was like a sexy Latino man so it's nice for the ladies to sure yes take on the chair this is booba de boo I was more Italian than anything but so we got a new table set new chairs and all for like 20 bucks the three chairs for 20 bucks what oh yeah I gotta get on this go on it right now today afterwards and you can get some good good business and hey you're welcome posh mart this is quite a butt plug we're giving you here so hey throw us a pillowcase or a chandelier or something yeah ladies if you want to move some merchandise go brahles cuz I want to I want to go back I'm going whatever they're selling I'm

buying I'll buy their old shoes and whatever they got you might have stumbled on a huge like a horny horny furniture thing like get movers but hot ladies but the problem is they can only lift you know half an ottoman you know I don't know if it'd be hot it'd be a hot thing to have movers come by with booty shorts on and lifting up your your record player and all that but I don't know how much they could lift right yeah well sell the little things I mean I got a thimble from my grandmother gave me I got a couple pens I don't know what I don't know what exactly you can sell cuz I don't have posh mark myself it's all

Sarah but I'm really encouraging her I'm like we need some new furniture down here yeah I'm worried about the day you you you go pick up a grand piano and it's gonna be you know a stelle getty or somebody like that you're gonna be bummed well I could get into that too I guess but yeah that's true why not but who knows highly recommend the posh mark and I'll tell you about this because I've been really live in my life here because New York City we're at current time of recording I think we're testing at like two percent and we're really doing well although there was a bunch of wild shit this weekend or parties or some in your

hood yes Sarah walked by it she was like something crazy is happening on Steinway this is what's so weird about New York City though because each neighborhood itself is like the size of a town right and this is an interesting thing about social media like I haven't been looking at Twitter and so the day after that big party happened someone's like a story is trending in the news and it was all these tweets about a story and I'm like what and that night Sarah went hung out with some friends and shot a video and had like a outdoor hang and I was home I watched a rosemary's baby which is a hell of a picture great pic

what's his face the child molester Plansky Plansky yeah all outside the so crazy you watch that movie and they're outside the Dakota and in the movie a woman I don't not giving away it happens the beginning a woman jumps off the building and lands and her face is all dead and suicide and it's shot right where John Lennon would get killed 12 years later is that about that that's wild that that stuff always spooks me a little bit that those weird kind of redundant deja vu e predictions they always get me yeah it's really bizarre and I I was home alone watching I had the window open so the breeze the light

breeze would move the curtain a little bit and then you're by yourself and murder and Satan rapes a lady it's really something yeah yeah yeah that's a heavy stuff you know fun fact about that movie me a Pharaoh yes yes she was banging Frank Sinatra right and he was like come out to Vegas let's do some gambling this movie's taken too long and she was like blow me I'm trying to get famous here I need to be in this picture and he's like he was so big he was like I'm calling pull I'm calling Bob Evans the producer right and I'm gonna get you out of this movie I'm pulling you out of the picture and then she started banging

the guy in the movie right shit Cassavetes no maybe it was bequeen she started fucking somebody like to get back at Sinatra and they had a they were engaged and she called it off and she started fucking someone else yeah I know there was a big thing he she married Sinatra and he didn't want her in the business because he was like a possessive he like yes you know not my lady right I can't remember she started she basically dumped the most famous guy on the planet who she married or was about to marry and then started banging like who did she start fucking somebody something she married Andre something

something I think it was like an opera singer has the name like an opera singer his name is Andre something and then Woody Allen right what a what a range you fuck Sinatra and then an opera singer and then Woody Allen I mean this gal has zero dick standard she's like I don't care as long as you're famous I'll fuck you by the way I'm reading Woody Allen's biography and he does a number on that lady oh really oh he goes in hard that she's a psycho of lunatic and she you know adopts kids willy-nilly and then sends them back and changes all her kids names and she's crazy and all this stuff I don't know your favorite actor or

female actor of all time I love it really oh so good but sounds like she's might be nuts but who knows he said she said yada yada who to well talented people who tend to be wacky and have some skeletons but I could see it I look at her I'm like I you got you got something cuckoo behind the eyes something's up and I'd also I didn't know you could return a kid yeah for what I understand she's returned quite a few kids and changes like Ronan Farrow's name was satchel he was satchel Farrow now he's Ronan Farrow huh good names yeah satchels fun I think those are both jazz singers satchel pay no he's a baseball player

was the baseball Woody named him that's in the book to Woody named all his kids that he was allowed to name after his black heroes oh fun she changed it to Ronan wow black names matter that's a weird homage to the Afro-american a yeah it's a fascinating book but any jizz no sorry I watched Rose Mary's baby and then Sarah I would I go to bed early nowadays and she came home late and so she was like last night I walked out by Steinway in Astoria it was wild there was like parties in the streets like motorcycles everywhere and my point is so I saw on Twitter Astoria's trending what the hell's going on it's crazy and I never

looked at Twitter I'm like Twitter if I just read Twitter I'd be like what the hell happened in Astoria but I was here and I went for a long walk I didn't even notice anything it was just normal I slept here I didn't hear a peep so my point is you never know what's going on it was just a few blocks away yeah but I'm reading about how Astoria was crazy living in Astoria and I'm like I didn't notice anything I think that's a perk of living in New York I mean these small towns and mouse queeps and they they call the police or everybody knows about it you know and here you can have something a block away and you don't

even you don't even hear about I kind of like that yeah I love it it's like because the neighborhood is big enough that six blocks away you don't even you don't know what the hell is going on right my my gal does that citizen app which if you're a neurotic guy or anxious guy don't get citizen app because it just tells you like hey a guy was a anally raped ten feet away from you and you're like how about that because it knows your location so it can say what's what around the city and you're like oh wow and Harlem a lady got face fucked by a hobo or whatever and it's bananas the shit that's going on right under our

asshole and we have no idea right yeah I don't know that's no good for me I have to be done with apps in general because every time you get a new app you because you that's another thing to check I know I know there's too much checking I got my phone time way down I'm proud of it I'm trying to really work on this shit yeah check your head checks and balances it's tough out there I how about this I'll throw this in so this building and by the way Sandy Kofax lives in this building what get out of town how cool is that that's insane yeah just a fun nugget but so my building this is one of these like there's a building board and you

gotta get everybody's on board with the building everybody's like we got to keep it clean you got to wear your mask you know everybody's friends already knows each other like some guy knocked on my door he's like hey I brought you your mail and I'm like oh gross this is new to me it's a little small town shit but you know it's nice good intentions so me and the lady we have a couple of cocktails few libations last night we go let's go up on the roof I grab a bottle of wine out of the fridge a couple glasses we go up there there's a big to-do on the roof and I was like huh what's this and they go hey get over here and I'm like oh hey

and it's the whole building they don't hang out oh my god I know I was like oh hey and they're like this is Barbara from 4h this is Donnie from 6b and I'm like there's like kids running around they're eating you know tart and cake and anal and it was tough I mean I said a few things it scared them the ladies made a joke and they hated that and oh boy we do not fit in and this this you know tea time little little building here but we're gonna try to fake it I mean that's tough that's like my worst nightmare yeah it was hard man one guy does like costumes on Broadway and another guy's a fucking famous right a writer I mean

these are like real West Village New York kind of intellectual fucking cum guzzlers and and I feel very out of place well I just hate any kind of hang when you're not looking for expecting a hang I want to set up hang yes yeah I wasn't ready and it's not even a hang that you want it's a hang of like oh it feels like you're hanging out with like your teachers or something yeah like I remember when I had roommates like I was living with my best friend in the world I remember like no shoes tiptoeing to the bathroom because I'm in the middle of a movie or I'm jerking off or I'm reading a book or whatever it is I'm on

posh mark whatever I tiptoe because I'm like I just I don't feel like hanging with my favorite guy right now I get it so you got this with fucking Barbara I mean that's yeah nightmare anyone named Barbara stinks no offense Barb's I hate a babs I hate a Streisand I hate a bush they all stink but it was so I got a bottle of wine ready to you know guzzle some some poison here and they're like get over here and then you have to like watch what you say and then you go fuck I'm gonna be myself and you yourself for two seconds and you ruin everything so you go all right abort that and and you just want to say the things you want to

say with your lady but you can't because it's you know Tom Dick and quiff over here so yeah it's it was tough it was a good two hours of chit chat well maybe that's what we need to work on is the ability to just be ourselves around anybody and then they can deal with whatever I agree and I've been getting better at that in my life but this is also these people can push you out of a building I mean this is this is crunch time here like I'm the new guy so I'm trying to ingratiate and appease and they were they were trashing this one lady like that lady in 7h she's a fucking coos and we all hate her and I'm

like oh I don't want to be I don't be 7h well don't be 8h that's a famous one oh is that is that Fallon I think it's a studio 8h yeah speaking of studios we ought to read some we got some sponsors here folks as you know and it would be really nice if you guys could support the people that support the show yes and this is something you're gonna need right now native deodorant I mean I don't know where you guys are living but we're in the middle of a huge heatwave here heatwave and you got to get some native

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listen to your own thoughts we love Raycon get on board all right way to go Raycon yeah so you got the new building I was walking around trying to figure out what building because we FaceTimed and you did me you showed me a little bit around and I was in the hood and looking around all these buildings I'm like I think it might be this building and I was like maybe it's this building it was really something yeah and I wanted to just knock on windows but I didn't want to surprise you so I texted you and then about time you got back I was off and running well it's so fun because I'm literally in this cool iconic New York

spot my buddy Salacuse came by and he's a Brooklyn kid and when I showed him the building he came by on one of these new revel mopeds sure and he came by and I got to do the thing which is such a New York thing that I never have been able to do stick my head out the window and go Sally and he says hey and then he came on up and it was I love the out the window yell oh that's fun see it's hard because I was in the neighborhood so you want to pop in but you know you got to give the person the time right and then you're I'm lingering like an asshole but then I'm just walking around buildings waiting to hear so eventually start

drifting north sure and then by the time you get the message I'm too far so I gotta get down there but I got a new way to get there tease I still got one other thing oh please please tease tease we go we're finally back in the city is back I'm riding the subway again which is nice what's this oh this is a shirt a fan sent in a shirt oh yeah they made the shirt yeah guys have making shirts willy-nilly I don't know what the hell's going on here these shirts these all these undocumented shirts popping up I know these alien shirts we need to build a wall but yeah it's crazy but they're they're well done and they sent a few so

I got some for you there fatty and there you go it's just fuck your dad on yeah hang ten hang loose hang ten fuck your mom yeah I remember that one good time thanks for the shirt I mean a sticker would be nice I think that would be good I think that one is on I pulled would you guys wear this shirt right right yeah this is a special edition but any any jizz so we've been taking the subway here and there and yesterday I took two days ago I took it and it was a 25 minute wait and I was like we're back to just having a garbage subway system and they're talking about charging more by the way in this pandemic which is a goddamn kick in

the ball sack well that's crazy but everyone's wearing masks so it's nice it feels safe fish but the windows are no I'm like why don't know why every window wouldn't be open on every train seems insane to me yeah that's not an obvious but I guess the AC who the fuck knows what's what but anyways so we used to run at the reservoir all the time you do a couple loops around the reservoir which is a huge reservoir in the middle of Central Park great place to run so Sarah and I said fuck it let's go we haven't been there in a long time so we took the train in we get off we go for a nice run now the reservoir is a

big track in Central Park and no one has masks on there it's like we've decided this is a mask free area because you're running you're outdoors so transmissions lower outdoors and then with running you're just passing by someone real quick yeah so there's a lot of evidence that there's less transmission outdoors and there's less transmission when you're just passing through or swinging by yeah so it's sort of this area of like all right we're going a little lenient on the mask here in the running area so everyone's got it below their chin there you know and we're all running and I've gotten in

really good shape I can really cook these days nice so I'm flying and I run up I'm about to finish the run I got a half mile left and there's this old upper west side lady just jogging around you know those people that try to run even though their bodies are all fucked up looks like they're missing bones oh I know I've a fucked a few yeah so her show one shoulders higher than the other and her spine is higher than her shoulders you know yeah she had a little hip dysplasia thing going on the the saggy arm yeah and both toes are facing each other and one heel kicks out this way but she's still trying to run for

some reason it's like if you put a Crip Keeper in some body armor or under armor yeah it's a bad look so I'm flying and this lady as I get close she turns it goes oh and starts sprinting huh she just starts sprinting away from like I'm like I'm chasing her like I'm a fucking purse snatcher or something that you're white and I'm running and now I'm neck and neck with her because she's sprinting and she goes oh and then she gives me the wave around she's waving her hand like go around what and I was the Olympics I started laughing I'm like well I would have blown past you if you didn't sprint you fucking weirdo and she threw her

hands out like double hands like ah and I'm looking around like everyone's running by I would have passed you in one second no one has masks on on this track everyone's just running past each other walking past we're not having conversations yeah and I'm like have you been doing this the whole time with everyone that runs past you weird so was she wearing a mask I don't remember actually maybe she did I can't remember I don't recall cuz she was like next to me you know like she was in front of me and then sort of next because she was sprinting yeah and then wave like go around me and then I just flew past her

so this whole thing happened in about four seconds right right I had a mask on but it was very bizarre your neck and turkey neck but do you think she was COVID II like get your COVID away from me I believe so maybe because I was breathing heavy or sweating I don't know what quite well it was going on but I mean this 800 people it's not like it's her and I yeah yeah at these old bags they got something going on because I've been yelled at by 17 chicks who were the movie cocoon and they're they're coming at me and yelling at me all the time like I had I had a sip of a straw coming out of a diet Coke and I'm walking on the

street and she goes oh what is that a fashion statement why why wear the mask if you're not even gonna use I'm like I'm sipping a coke you cut to like give me give me two seconds to sip yeah you need a sip time and I had a very similar thing where down in your neighborhood in that area it was me and Ari and Sarah we're walking Sarah has her mask on and we have our masks you know below the chin it's it's where a mask with social distancing is not possible we're walking on the sidewalk it's outside yeah Reezy day and there's an old lady like a New York lady just sitting in a chair you know how New Yorkers just sit in the

chair outside sure so she's sitting there she has her mask on and where we're walking by and there's a couple feet between us because she's like up against the wall and we're like on this side of the sidewalk we even moved and say things she's like put your mask on and we're like we're just passing I mean we didn't say anything I just waved like yeah right but here's my thing with those ladies like a you have a mask on be we're outside see we're passing you for I mean three seconds maximum yeah yeah and we're about four feet away from you yeah and if you're in that position mentally which I understand maybe you're

not ready to sit outside in Manhattan I agree I completely agree I think they're worried about knocking on death's door because these are you know Ari Ari should be worried as well he's old but like I think they're just nervous and they're like I'm gonna die because of you and they get that in their head so they're even more angry yeah I mean I understand the anger I understand the safety I get annoyed when people aren't wearing them indoors particularly I don't like the big crowds but from all the evidence being outside and just passing by someone outdoors yes not a lot of a big issue I think a lot of this is coming

from the bars being open in the restaurants being open inside people sitting inside drinking all that shit and but I get it but I think if you're a person that's like what the fuck yeah you just shouldn't be out in Manhattan sitting there go get your groceries and run back I'm like you're leisurely sitting outside you're gonna run into some of this completely agree and I think if I think don't quote me on this but I think deep down they they enjoy it like they go I'm wearing a mask you're not I have the power I can one up you and they get to call you out even though they're they're outside but they have the mask on

and you don't so they immediately have the upper hand yeah I think it is that because I also don't think she's actually scared she's getting I don't think she exactly she's getting it from us walking past full speed four feet away I don't know and while she's wearing her mask I don't think she's like I just got it that's great yeah she enjoys being like hey what the fuck I completely do control people and yell at them yes yes and you know what else is fun and I don't want to get too dicey but these old ladies who keep yelling at everybody in my neighborhood they won't yell at black people without a mask which I find very

interesting and I'm like ah how bad do you so you'd rather look not racist or whatever and get corona then you know what do you get it right I do I understand and because well they don't want to get cancelled yeah they're caring yeah grand Karen or whatever it is so it's it's a strange time but I think New Yorkers for the most part of being safe everyone in the sub like a hundred percent of you on the subway have their mask on yeah we go out everyone walking around get mass so we'll see what happens I mean there's a lot of outdoor dining and drinking but so far so good hopefully it stays well or

whatever but yeah see speaking about doors I I did a gig in Long Island Long Beach I believe it's called yes what a gem of a little beach that looks like Venice I mean it's got its long island stank on it you know but have you been a Long Beach I have not no beautiful I mean it's a boardwalk and the water looks good it looks like California and it's just as cute kind of uppity beach town and the restaurants were popping the bars were popping I'm like this was this is 20 minutes past JFK I can't believe this is so close I'm gonna get Airbnb and head out there with the lady and bang on the beach that sounds nice

yeah I mean all I know about Long Beach is when Michael Corleone makes the phone call after he finds out his dad got shot he's like give me Long Beach for and then gives the number aha yeah there you go they're out in that area it looks like if Jersey Shore fucked Venice well that sounds troubling but also cool yeah yeah it's got like the little restaurants on the on the boardwalk and the waters right there the beach looks clean the sand looks good I mean I can't believe I didn't know about this and it was just right there well I'll tell you what next time you want to go I'll give you a ride what do you mean there fatty

well I got a big shiny red vehicle right here in my backyard what do you got a radio flyer wagon I got a well I don't even want to say what I got because I mentioned what I was thinking about getting I got 48 messages being like whatever you do don't buy that car you piece of shit you're crazy and the worst part is there's a delay on the podcast coming out right so I went out and bought the thing lock stock and barrel I got the insurance the license the seatbelt the hood the whole thing and I mean I'm just in you dated whatever that word is in and dated yeah in Indian in you it yeah whatever it is but I'm covered in

message Iroquois messages saying don't buy the centra you piece of shit this thing's gonna fall apart it dies after six weeks oh suckers bet fucking whatever well don't even give it so now I got a car and nothing but warnings being like that's the worst car I've ever heard of in my life but I'm like it can't be and my buddy Dave Yates made me feel better he's a car guy he's wise and he was like don't listen to him he's like it's an above average car he's like you bought an above average car and he's like you got to keep in mind a lot of these people are fans but he's like these internet people they may you don't

know what they're doing they drive drunk they ride the clutch they drive to hit the sidewalk they don't get their oil changes and then the car dies and they go up piece of shit that's so that's true I'm like this they can't just be a car maybe I'm naive but like did they make an entire make-of-car that sucks I mean the pinto or the Hummer but I think you're fine with a with a Japanese rice rocket or whatever the hell you got there so I think you're all right I mean I don't know exactly what you got but I think you're fine if you did the research don't these queefs are gonna shit on you no matter what happens you

Rolls Royce or a Bentley they're gonna come after you from that from that Simpsons Homer's like I blew all of our money on a customized horn and then he smashes his head on the steering wheel like I don't know it goes not customized what's that word that I always forget oh with the license plate yeah no not a vanity but a customized works customized but what's that call when it's special and silly not a customized horn but a novelty a novelty a novelty horn and then he puts his head down in frustration and I might be forgetting the joke because it was 25 years ago when the show was good but any who so I

decided I decided I'm gonna buy a car and big dick Steve Rogers drives me out to the I like the Nissan's I like I just like and I've driven a bunch of cars from renting cars I like them Toyota feels so like Toyota my parents have a Toyota that yep whatever and I also heard by the way all those Japanese cars Toyota Honda and Nissan they said you can weld the hood shut for the first five years you have the car I like that you know hyperbolic obviously I understand I got to change the oil but maybe they do that from underneath I don't know much about a car yeah you change oil from underneath or from above underneath you

got to drip it but you check the oil from above yes I've done that during a wrestling match in high school but so we go I find this Nissan dealership in Long Island I asked Steve Big Nick Rogers who's the very definition of a friend this guy he's like I'm on it he jumps in his car he drives all the way from Brooklyn to Queens picks us up that's the nice thing about COVID these everyone's got nothing to do I know I know and we're bored that's why Texas Jerry he's like sitting there being like what do you shit me I'll come get you so he comes over picks us up drives us out to Long Island now this is where it's

gonna get embarrassing I mean you talk about arrested development I am a child hmm so I show up lock stock and barrel I'm gonna buy a car did no research I'm ignoring warning after warning I'm like I'm sticking with the Nissan I show up with a check like just a single check and I'm like give me a car bring the car out and he goes all right I need to see your license and I was like shit well my license expired in April I was like but Massachusetts I still have a Massachusetts license I've lived here for 14 years never got a New York license yeah who needs it so I got a Massachusetts license and he's like well this is expired

and I was like but I got a letter from the DMV saying they've extended it through September and he's like you have that letter and I was like not with me yeah okay letter I didn't bring the letter so he's like well I need that letter and I was like well hold on I have a photo of it he's like well that'll do so I didn't save the photo the only place I have it is my mother texted it to me because they mailed it to her aha okay I photo I literally show the salesman a text from my mom and it says I love you you know don't forget to tie your shoes whatever underneath like look at my mom said I can have a car wow Jesus did you

pull your your pull-ups up I mean so embarrassing he's looking at going okay but the salesman you can tell he's taking my money he doesn't give a fuck yeah he wants the mula yeah so he wants to sell it so he's like okay I think we can work around this is like let me talk to my manager he keeps leaving and talking to a guy like off in the distance yeah I can see the guy like pulling his hair out and waving his arms being like what I mean while you're drinking your juice box over there yeah I got a can of chocolate milk and he comes a can he comes back and he goes okay do you have anything else do you have another form of ID and

I'm like well I have a passport and he's like that'll do and I was like well I don't have that on me but I got a photo of the passport so I pull up the photo of the passport he's like this is expired too because everything's expired because of COVID wow yeah come on you wouldn't have a regular passport anyway well I mean passport I would have needed because I'm traveling all that's true so then I'm like he's like what about a bank statement do you have any bank statements that say you live in New York so then I just pull up my chase app I just show him my account which has in huge numbers all the money I have in the

world so I'm like completely tipping my hand I'm like look right and he's just like okay Jesus okay great because it's like my whole savings is in there yeah yeah I mean I got all my money in one account so I'm just like look at this right and there's some ego involved because I'm like this guy thinks I'm a piece of shit let me show him how much money I make used to make and anyway so finally he's like okay we could try to make this work so he's got like a stack of papers and photos and a note from my mother and a picture of my dad yeah and finally Steve is like what if you just put it in Sarah's name ah because she's

got up-to-date license New York everything so I'm like that's not bad so I was like what if we bought it in Sarah's name and he's like that would be a lot easier okay now I'm not even buying a car I'm just paying for a car according to the state of New York I don't have a vehicle and this is the kind of thing when if we got divorced we get along very well I think we're gonna go the distance here but if we got divorced it would be this moment where the judge or the attorney is like that's not your car oh yeah right you like her attorney you lose like kids and Mrs. Doubtfire exactly like her attorney would

be like no no this look at Sarah Ptolema right so I end up oh go ahead it's quite a gift I'm just saying you bought your lady a gift out of nowhere your surprise car you put a big bow on it I haven't talked to our accountant either I hope I didn't fucking ruin everything oh god I think you're fine I'm probably fine but so anyways we do that and I would test drive the car and I've already made my mind up because I'm like I don't want to look through cars and compare cars you're there all day yep and poor big dick Raj he's just sitting there twiddling his little thumbs yes so I'm like let's just get out of here like this car is great

and it's got like a big semen stain on the side like literally a big white stain he's like we'll take that out don't worry about it a Lewinsky and anyway so I'm like all right this will be the car he's like you gotta come back you then it's a whole rigmarole of course as you know you gotta get insurance and license plates and the whole thing the money just keeps ding ding ding just keeps tallying brutal just brutal so I come back I'm home for three days just waiting and now I've initiated I'm going to get it Saturday I gotta show up with the check and leave with the car but now don't you have this every decision you

make as soon as you finalize a decision you're like fuck me I'm stupid I should call my dad I should call my account my parents hate me completely I had that with this apartment it's brutal so we're just sitting around waiting finally Saturday morning yesterday morning as we're recording and Steve Rogers and Caitlin Palufo great comics they show up they pick us up at 9 30 a.m. so they left the house at like 8 30 oh these are angels saints they scoop us up so me Sarah Kramer the butler Steve Caitlin we all drive back out to Long Island beautiful day we get there and the car they have it all scrubbed up and shining

it's sitting there it's the only car out there it's on display whoo and so I'm like that's my new car I got a car it's so exciting and this is painful so we wait they told us to get there at 10 30 would be the first ones it takes 45 minutes to get in there I don't know what the fuck's going on hmm so he's like you got to go talk to the financing people person we go in there and this is brutal this is where it kills you it's in Sarah's name so the whole time he's talking directly to Sarah she signs all the paperwork he's like Miss Talamash it's a big day for you I know you're excited we couldn't be happy for you

you got the blood red whatever here's this period he's giving her all the thing and she's signing away he's like take this pen you're gonna want to keep it that's that's your car pen I'm just sitting there like a cock watching this whole thing happen now is she thrilled I mean she doesn't really emote a ton if I know Sarah she's not a big excited gal is she going oh boy this is great I'm gay no she was getting us new floor mats off a posh mart you know so I'm just sitting there and it's a bruising your ego because it's all it just hammers home this like I'm a child I don't have a license I couldn't buy a car my wife is

getting the car because I'm a moron right right and I'm just sitting there like a single teardrop like a native American in a sure garbage pile and and then he's like talking to her he's like do you want to get the full warranty and I'm like Jesus looking at me and I'm like well I think I don't know and he's like I'm not talking to you you piece of shit shut your mouth for eyes and he broke my glasses and so finally we get the car though and it's crazy it's a crazy feeling I haven't had a car in like eight years and it then it was dead grandparents cars this is the first time buying a car yes what a grown-up now I

have so many quiet I know we're running short on minutes here but I gotta I got a million questions all right hit me is it is it used we'll just do lightning round used or new it's a certified pre-owned a CPO okay that means it's been owned but it's still got a hymen or it still runs perfectly or refurb did what is that I guess it just mean they had the 175 point check I guess and it's got 14,000 miles on it it's a 2018 oh that's beautiful so it tells you everything somebody bought it in Long Island drove it to Santa Monica drove it back and then they leased it for a year in four months okay okay it's a pretty

new now is it yeah yeah haggle you haggle you just bought it right off the sticker I did no haggling whatsoever I was like that's good good good for me the guy was like confused he's like this is crazy because everyone tells you you gotta leave and you gotta do the walk away but I'm like I got my friend driving me around I gotta get in and out here right all right right I don't want to do the thing and I'm not good with the all right well we're leaving we'll right yeah we talked about this on a queef even if I saved $3,000 it's not worth it to me to go back and forth and over and out and all the lying and the weird shit okay

well you don't have to tell me what you dropped on this puppy but let's say you got this I'm just gonna throw out a random number here you got the sticker at $20k once you say I want it what does it pop up to with the rust proofing and the you gotta have keys I gonna start it the sunroof the luminol the the miscarriage whatever the insurance I think it ended up being oh good deal more than the the sticker I hate that I hate the good deal more well brutal at a few thousand dollars more and how about this so we talked to Raleigh the salesman the whole time he's our guy north Carolina we go to talk to the finance guy and he goes okay so

you should on you there have a I pulled it all from saving so I just paid cash I mean it's mine outright yeah and he goes you should have a I'm gonna make up numbers cuz I don't want to reveal cuz I don't want people messaging me saying you got fucked there like you should have a check there for $49,850 I was like no it's $44,000 for it and then he's like oh let me see where I went wrong yep you're right you're right what so he's ruined an extra four grand why yeah I think they try to catch you with your pants down to just try to check what you go okay that sounds right that's where you get the slimy sleaze bag use car guide or

stereotype it was a little strange and then on one of the paperwork that we were signing the mileage is is 14,042 miles but it was missing a digit it said 1402 oh and I was like wait what's this you're off by a thousand here yeah he's like it was like the movie big when he's like oh whatever yeah put down a couple extra digits so a little shady tricky weird shit definitely definitely wow I'm glad you got out of there with your shirt on as they say I know your pants were off but that's a whole nother bag of hammers but I had congratulations it's like Henry Hill you popped your cherries is very exciting and I can't

wait to get in this puppy and give it a big sniff and get that new car jizz in my nose it's got the smell I mean this thing is spotless other than the cum stand that he couldn't get out we went back there he's like we did the best we could and it's still there but whatever yeah but it's it's shiny and bright so yesterday was the first day we had it we drove it back then we had podcasts to do and whatever and so right around five o'clock we're sitting there like what do you want to do when I go let's go get in the car yeah get in the car we drive over the Queensboro Bridge 59th Street bridge dude to do do feeling groovy drove

straight to Central Park we parked next to Magnolia Baker we eat a couple cupcakes put some money in the meter we walked all over Central Park I'm gonna be all over that shuffleboard court and we got back to the meter right as it expired which is such a good fit we had to jog to get to the meter hop back in the car cruise back around it was it was cruise night we went to Astoria Park watch the sunset and I got a vehicle baby I gotta come scoop you up we'll go to Jersey or Long Beach whatever the fuck you're talking about scoop me bitch and and we gotta do a you know you are your Steve McWeef you you're your bullet

you're out on the highway and we got to do a quiff in the car car a car I just rewatch bullet fun movie wow look at that yeah it's exciting I still prefer French connection as a movie and a car chase but that's neither here nor there completely agree that's a way better film bullets just that one run and that's it yeah it's exciting the same guy did the car chase but yeah not a great not a great movie really I'm kind of like gives a shit but yeah he's a cool guy's got a turtleneck on what a gig that is to be a the car race movie guy pretty good he basically invented that fucking thing right right wow how do you get into that

but yeah so cool is it what you said you we're gonna get I already forgot the brand or yeah mix it up it's a Nissan Sentra it's a bright red I mean I'm giving too much info you got my neighborhood my car and the color here people could be a good point that thing good point I feel the same way with the hog I keep a what do you call it a undisclosed cover on it or a un you know like a unrecognizable or what do you call bland unmarked van yeah something like that unmarked Norman I don't know but it's it's a very basic cover just so people aren't like is that the hog and then you see the hog then you know I

live in that building right well I'll just tell this real quick so the day before I picked up the car that was the night that Sarah went out with some friends and I was like sitting here watching Rosemary's baby getting creeped out and I was like let me go for a walk I walk half a block and this woman a nice looking woman came running across the street holding her phone she's listening to Tuesday's my stories what she's like this is crazy but look at this yeah I love it yeah holy shit and she's like yeah I'm just listening to Tuesday so nice to see you and I'm like well nice to nice to meet you and then it was

awkward as we she just wanted to give me my privacy and vice versa but we kept walking like in the same direction she was like three feet in front of me was like that yeah thing yeah like slowly walk to let her get distance I think women are better at the the distance from my experience not to generalize but women are like I'm a fan thank you stay over there you know but dudes are like ah let me lick your nipples and fuck you and all this shit yeah I think dudes think we want to hang right right also maybe just be like desperately not want to fuck us so they're like just I don't want to fuck you just believe me yeah

yeah exactly which you know hey great we got it but that's that's the thing folks get on the patreon we got a we had a hot guest we had Stavros Halkias from come down he killed it we got a hot guest coming up and you don't want to miss out on this one so the patreon is cooking we were putting out content at least every week we'll do a carqueef if we can we're trying to get it out there folks plus it's got the live apps and some old stuff so you don't want to miss out yeah get weird have fun join up it'll be exciting for you and my special is coming out soon very soon we're not allowed to release the date

yet I don't know what the house going on with this thing but just soon I can say okay okay can I ask what the intro is it is just gonna be like boom yeah I think it's just donnelly saying here he is all right I thought it'd be cool if you could film something real quick with the Nissan you know you slide into a parallel park and get out of that sunroof and roll right into the cellar well I'm so nervous the thing's gonna break and I'm just dreading I hate I don't want to drive it now but I also do maybe I'll come by come by I'm free all day I'm free all gay and I got some gigs coming up check my website and a fun

little exclusive Bert Kreischer invited me to open for him on a few movie theater driving movie theater dates oh that's killer that's gonna be fun yeah I need the I need the dough and I want to hang out I'm rotting away in this apartment and I have no air conditioning so I'll be on a bus with the shirtless fat drunk himself so come on out that's gonna be great yes and I have a gig I think you're doing it right after me right before maybe Royersford Pennsylvania oh am I doing that that's what the fan told me July 31st soul Joel oh yeah soul Joel it's an outdoor gig everyone's doing it it looks like mine is Friday July 31st in

Royersford right by King of Prussia right just not too far from Philly Pennsylvania it's gonna be one of those drive-up things or outdoor it's an outdoor situation so I haven't done a full set since 1988 so well what do you do 1020 15 no you headline I'm doing 45 hours an hour or something oh that's tough outside 45 is a nightmare gotta be brutal soul Joel's comedy club in lounge Royersford Pennsylvania and there's a bonus infrastructure so if everyone could drive their old bones down there I'd be like dying I just spent my life savings on a car that is gonna die in 10 miles but how good do you feel

because I just did a gig and the drive up and the drive back was hell because you're with 28 comics and half of them are a weekend so you get to drive the red rocket right up there yeah I'm pretty excited and then I as much a relationships I can get rid of now Steve Rogers never have to see that guy again yeah you big dong out of here I got my own wheels dickless yeah by the way I'm joking of course and Steve will be on that gig in Royersford and he's great so uh great guy great comic and great piece apparently yeah so join the patreon subscribe to the YouTube subscribe to our YouTube give it a review I don't know

we haven't done all that shit in a long time but keep listening always oh follow the Instagram account to stories on Instagram there's great clips nobody follows the fucking thing great clips we got clips on the Tuesdays Twitter follow your face bobbing on YouTube get your subscribers up and follow the other the YouTube for Tuesdays and subscribe and fucking watch out to lunch and the whole thing tell a friend and Sarah's new album shit sorry voluptuous boy comes out today oh boy on 800 pound gorilla records so go check that out for fucking Christ's sake subscriber YouTube the whole thing good

for her great time to put an album out people who need content everybody's wants to kill themselves so that's good good good on you Sarah all right George is saying cut it I mean we're way long here oh all right well hey the people could use an extra six all right I'm just all right all right I'll see you next week I'll see you in the in the wheels there hopefully pick me up cherry the weights all right brazi missions