Tuesdays with Stories! - #361 Silent Nes'

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

Heya Tuesgays, we've got another hot one for you this week as the guys reminisce about getting made fun of before Mark has a rough gig in the park before getting hard for cash! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & ExpressVPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to another season of Tuesdays with stories I'm Joe list and over there is a sorry maybe we should try to look at each other on the YouTube like I do this and then you do that oh that's fun

you're not looking though but wait I don't know how they're seeing it how's it split on on YouTube I don't know Shelby does that he can make it so we look at each other right am I looking at you I can't tell you look the wrong way oh shit you go one way the other guy goes the other way okay who cares it was nothing anyways but what can you do hey I was thinking you know your big rant the other day was such a hit I think you might become a rat guy what if you become like the new you're like bad money that guy on on CSNBC or whatever I don't want to be the rent guy I'd like being a I fucking hate rants people that rant or a

bunch of fucking assholes they're a bunch of cunts and you're a cunt my mom's a friend of my dad's asshole you're ready my rent I know that was the bit yeah I mean I've had a few a few rants out there but rant Hill rant farm just do a good rant uncle yeah if you know I've always feel bad after rants like a half hour later like what am I doing the people you know who cares whatever I'm the same way it's almost like when you were kid and you got into a fistfight with a guy and you hit him in the face and you're like oh you start crying you always you always hit the guy then you feel bad it's like a rant you always

un-pour out all these emotions then you feel weird after yeah of course especially if people like after a rant or a fight or an argument with people like I'm sorry then you're just like shit me too I don't know yeah yeah I don't want to fight everybody's so conversational now it's all these comments and DMs and kill yourself and fuck you and I don't this is new this is all kooky and I hate it all can't we just jerk each other off a little can't we all just get along get a dong was that reginald denny and Rodney King which one said I think King said it yes he said it he had like an eyeball hanging out and he was bleeding he's

like yeah we all just get along yeah it's funny because I was a kid then and I never saw the actual video I just saw the in living color I didn't know that really happened yeah like it's it's weird when you see things you only see the spoof right right yeah good point good point I saw a lot of SNL's like I saw a norm talking about OJ being a murderer and I was like I don't know what that's about yeah there's a lot of I'm trying to think of other sketches but there's a lot of things like that that you're like oh I I just thought it was funny on its own I didn't know about that thing yeah maybe I think as kids we were sheltered

a little because we didn't watch the news as a nine-year-old I mean I know I didn't I didn't I thought it was so boring but now with Twitter and anal and all this grinder and only fans these kids are seeing everything like front and center horrible shit I think so hopefully they're protected a little bit but I talk about this about my family my family is so bad at protecting the kid like we'll have a big barbecue or whatever and they're just talking about because everyone drinks in my family everyone's like you see that guy that raped the 40 women that was wild and then like you know little Cody's just trembling he's

like right right like yeah people break in the house and like and I've seen it happen in my family I mean I don't want to name names but they're just like yeah there's a guy on the loose up in Maine he breaks into houses and he fucks the kids yeah yeah and you're like shut up just shut up talk about fucking you know Clarence Clemens or something fun right I didn't I didn't know what a pedophile was till I was 68 you know like ironically as a kid you should know about pedophiles because they're the other demo but like I didn't know what a pedophile was so you know you go trick-or-treating him and my dad was like alright have fun

out there my mom was like what are you kidding he's gonna get put in a van you know and I was like why would somebody put me in a van I didn't get it well see yeah well I mean they didn't tell us about the sex but we were told we did have a secret word chocolate chip ice cream that was like if someone offers to pick you up good but I do remember I try to do a bit about this a long time ago that the to be safe with your kids you have to fuck them up a little bit I guess so yeah that's you do have to plant that idea of like hey we need a secret code in case someone tries to pick you up and I'm like well who's gonna

try to pick me up what right but I'm sorry that's I was gonna say I always clung to that more than the safety plan I didn't think now we're being safe I just thought what the fuck and I also was like clever enough or whatever to think what if that doesn't what if he doesn't ask me a question what if he just picks me up and runs away with me right right yeah that's true because you know as always don't talk to strangers or don't you know get in a weird van or pull your pants down at the park but nobody ever talked about getting scooped they scooped the niblets or napped napped is the only time you know when it

when it's a kid it's the only time napped is means taken away yeah napped me yeah there's no adult napped or power napped you know it's just kidnapped that's it yeah you never nap you know a candy bar from the store right I've napped many bars at the airport what is that word nap kid nap I think is it softens it kid nap it almost sounds cute yes it's like a snack right right but yeah we didn't know anything when I was a kid and I remember we had this friend JP and his dad used to beat the shit out of him his brother beat the shit out of his brother's name was Travis they were real white trash they were wife beaters and

tough dudes at one time my friend JP was dating a girl and that was a big deal we were like 14 he was fucking some girl or something and we went to go meet his girlfriend that's what you did back then whoever had a girlfriend you just followed him he's like I'm gonna go see my girlfriend you go great we'll go and so we went to his girlfriend's neighborhood and there was a bunch of cops surrounding this this area and they're like there's an ex con in there he escaped or something or a convict and he's in that neighborhood and my friend JP was like I don't care I'm going in I gotta see my girl and we were like JP

no and the cops are like son this is serious you're 11 years old as a fucking murderer in that in the in that suburb somewhere and he was like blow me copper I'm going in we were like no and he went in wow anything to get laid even at that age I guess so yeah that but I think we just didn't know the severity of it now you're so young you're like ah he'll be fine well what's a murderer anyway I've seen TV but I remember going to see like you know candy man I thought there was gonna be a crazy black guy in a mirror with a knife and then you know we would drive through neighborhoods when my mother be like I locked the door everyone

locked the door up and you'd be like well someone's gonna open the door yes yes there was a lot of fear penetrating my asshole at the time and occasionally the news would slip on or whatever but like earthquake I got was a big baseball guy in 89 there was a big earthquakes so I became afraid of earthquakes and all that shit was horrifying I love the idea of a cute little list with your big old glasses on your cat-eyed teeth just sitting at the at the on the carpet looking at the TV and you're like earthquake with the fucks at earthquake now you're trembling your skinny ass little white kid playing with a

erector set 100% I mean a couple things were often have glasses then but why it was Legos but I'm not wearing glasses in my 40s oh I figured you came out the womb with a couple of lens crafters on no I for a while I did comedy no glasses and for a minute I had the Sinatra hat like cocked to the side of the natural phase on stage with a big oh yeah like I was I was into the rat back when I was 18 I wanted to live and drink whiskey and smoke and I had it was like cocked over here over the side of my head I was like a crooner I did about four or five sets like that except the hat I had was cheap it wasn't a good Sinatra look more

like Indiana Jones yeah and the bill was like it was like a flimsy bill oh so it just looked shitty but I thought I would be like and after a big applause I'd tip it oh god you're killing me here I'm jizzing this is so uncomfortable I think there's photos of it and I look back and I'm like I must have been such a disappointment to my family being like our son is a fucking fruitcake yeah wearing a dumb hat he thinks he looks like Sinatra but he looks like Indiana and it's just yeah garbage embarrassing plus I had like pimples and my face was all red because I was a drunk it was terrible right we got to find those

photos we got to get those on the patreon but that it how did the I mean you started comedy in bean town how did you not walk in and eight alpha males go what the fuck says to with the hat then take it off and they throw it across the room then you're jumping up trying to catch it yeah I wasn't that wasn't far off I think maybe I only did like I said a couple sets and somebody was probably Lamont or somebody was like you got to ditch that that's ridiculous yeah what are you doing up there but also when you're like really new you're at open mics and everyone else is pretty new and so it wasn't like I was hanging out with

you know Tony V and Mike McDonald like there wasn't I wasn't around high rollers other schmuck heads and homeless people right well I got scolded so bad when I started comedy because the big guys like the high rollers as you say we're like these big black guys one guy was named red bean we had cornbread we had Carrie B yeah this is New Orleans and I showed up in flip flops one day and they were like never wore flip flops again then I showed up another day in shorts and they were like look at those fucking chicken legs you fucking cracker whatever and I never did that again yeah it's a learning process but I was just

thinking about that where somebody I forget who I was talking to or I saw I can't remember what it was I can't put my finger on it but it was somebody and I just thought you always think like man this person walked up to the cellar and it was Keith and Voss and Bobby they would just be over they would just have to leave and never come home again I know I put a blazer on once and got trashed you just got to go low key and you know blend in yeah it's no good anything bold Sarah has a really funny bit about if you want to wear a new hat she's like I got a start on Halloween get a costume that has a hat and then just

leave it on and slowly get rid of the rest of the costume oh that's great that's great otherwise you show up people like fucking gay hat nice hat you can't what are you trying to do exactly yeah because comics we're so desperate for something to say so if you have anything out of the ordinary like even a haircut will call out because we're just like I need something yeah well that's part of the reason we've talked about this before I've never changed stylistically ever once in my life because my entire adult life has been with comedians and even before that all my high school friends were just like

comics it was all trash fuck you you fucking you're gay whatever yes so I've just always been afraid to be like try a new gene a new pant yeah a new a new sneak it's just I'm sticking with the running sneaker and jeans yeah and you want to blend in so bad even an apple one time I was walking in the cellar I was eating an apple and I was like let me finish this before I go in or else I'll be Johnny Apple seed or what do you Steve Jobs nice apple you come guzz like Nazi like what it's an apple yeah it's no good Sunday last whatever it was Bob Kelly had a barbecue and Keith was there yeah and it was just machine gun

everyone was getting it and I don't want to name names but one person was like I feel like I gained a little weight and everyone's like now you look great and he's like what are you guys talking about she's fat she's a fat bitch and he's like and everyone's like fuck you Keith he's like I'm telling my truth like I thought we were telling the truth are we truth tellers or what he's like you got saggy arms you're fat you're ugly yeah truth to power baby it was it was it was refreshing though to be around some real shitting on but I mean this wasn't even ball busting it was just like your fat just admit it your gut fat yeah you're a

fat person yeah I mean the scale don't lie fatty I mean it's all right there and I sadly and weirdly as scary as that ball busting was when I see it or hear it I'm like I feel like we always talk about safe spaces all day safe space is scare the shit out of me because if I say you know or something I feel like I'm gonna get you know scrubbed out of existence and you know kicked out of society but if you call me a homo and kick me in the balls and talk about my shoes I'm like all right I feel I feel safe here yeah you like you want a non-safe space for us is a safe space there it is that's a sticker you want to be able to say

whatever and Robert Kelly and I were talking about this we're hanging out with our crew and comics of the seller the worst you're gonna get is oh come on man you get like a dude what right right Jesus there's that kind of thing or we kind of get like a alright that's a little and you're like okay sorry just wanted to yeah I remember I'm not gonna say any names but it's somebody we all know everybody listening knows who this is but we all have gone too far we're constantly fucking with each other and one guy was like well that's why your dad's dead to another comic and he was like ah geez come on man and that was

it he's talking to his dead father and he was like alright alright what the hell we do we went too far and he was like oh sorry sorry and that was it but then you say you say Jew Jew face and we put away we do a press conference the dad dead is way worse but yet that got like a alright alright never brought up again the guy never got fired but you face will get you put on a fucking guillotine yeah well I guess it's it's all in people's preference or how they want to be and live and I understand some people don't want to live that way some people don't want to walk in and be like hey you fucking ball headed douche

bag your mother sucks dicks for fun whatever yeah but that's where we feel comfortable and enjoy it yeah but it feels like it feels like our side or art on our side but our group loses immediately like their side they're just saying that is wrong and that's final and that's definition official years whatever well it makes it have to go into these certain spaces this is where it gets tricky with social media because what happens is and this has been discussed obviously before maybe here and other places but what happens in comedy when comics get in trouble is because like our podcast for instance

is a safe space for people that are into this kind of talking a reference in comedy and crazy but if you took it and shot it out into the universe those people here and they're like what the fuck is this I mean everyone here is signed into like we're gonna say crazy shit and it's fine and we're a reverend and we talk about you know blowing our fathers on Christmas and you know kids getting sex all that shit but when you take it out of context like Tracy Morgan had the one where it was like I can't believe he said this can you believe he said this you're like well he said it in a basement comedy club right paid money

in exchange to hear crazy shit happen right you took it and put it on the fucking NBC news at 6 30 yes of course you're not supposed to say it on the news of course and have you noticed when he said in the comedy club the whole room erupts and laughter so obviously those people aren't upset so what's the problem right so I try but I do try to be respectful of the people that want don't want that I mean I'm at the cellar and you know I don't know who but some comic comes in I'm not like yeah you fucking douche nice shoes you asshole but if Sodor tries to bring a new pair of Nike's in yeah we're gonna go what the

fuck is this you fucking idiot you got your band t-shirt on that band stinks you stink you never even heard that band fuck you whatever but I'm not calling sd a fucking right you know horror or whatever yeah I understand the being mindful of it but then they had this idea that comedy is supposed to be a safe space or comedy clubs right with that which physically it should be a safe space but this idea of joke safety cookie cookie yeah I guess the I guess the word is know your surroundings and know your audience that's kind of the rule like I'm not gonna tell my grandma eat my ass but I'll tell my friend eat my

ass yeah and and it's hard to find out you wish we had like little signals because some grandmas want to eat young that's true that's true yeah your thing you know like right yeah yeah call me call me gay if I say I like Francis huh which you know yeah but I think we're very I'm working on a bit about this but I think it applies about where I think we're very maybe literal like I this is a years ago I had a tinder date and a one-night stand with this girl and it was a great day we like really hit it off really connected and we're post-coital we're laying in the bedroom under under the covers naked and she was like your

tinder photo you look like a serial killer and it like hurt my feelings cuz I was like Jesus Christ all right it's done and she goes what do you think about my picture and I was like well for being honest I thought you looked easy and she flipped flipped out like through the covers off you know putting the shoes on in a huff and I was like but wait a minute your thing is worse you said I look like a murderer I'm saying you look like you're easy I'm easy you're easy what's wrong being easy like aren't you kind of slut shaming yourself a little bit here like this other wrong being easy serial killer I'm a murderer so in my

mind I was like you're the mean one it's interesting because you're obviously not a serial killer but it seems like perhaps she is in fact easy maybe that's it hit her nerve that's the bit yeah I think I think the point is I said something that was real and she she didn't right but that's that's interesting to be psychologically why that that hits a nerve I like stuff like that yeah that is interesting but I would say you could say you could counter with well that's not hurtful to me obviously I'm not a serial killer also by the way hers is very generic hmm where you're like you look like a serial killer I'm like well

the serial killers of all kinds of looks what does that mean good boy look like a serial killer yeah I was like this what serial killer do I look like I know I don't know what that be a lady say that a lot like about guys you know they'll be like look at this guy I'm going on a date with looks like a serial killer I'm like well how do you know like why are you gonna date with him and what does a serial killer look like you got Joel Rifkin then you got Manson then you got whatever it's Berkowitz yeah he's a big fat Jew up in the Bronx and then you got like you know a Gacy who's in a clown suit so yeah they run the game yeah a lot

of different serial killers and I think it's just a hacky thing now to say serial killer it's a little hacky yeah yeah school shooters big now because of the roast that's all school shooter face shoot of this yeah I would glasses immediately a school shooter yeah for a while it was Harry Potter this they went from Harry Potter to school shooter so maybe it's good that we're getting a little more a reverent or darker yeah whatever but well speaking of a reverent I got a I got a couple of nuggets for you there fatty yeah put him in my ass if I come so you know I'm climbing the walls here you know I like

to keep busy keep it shaking keep it moving keep it queefing so last night I locked up to two outdoor shows I said let's do it baby I'll get the hog out and one was in Battery Park which I think you're doing tonight I'm doing Central Park tonight I hope okay Battery Park was tough and then I had a show in Fort Green so I said I'm gonna go to Battery Park then hoof it up to Fort Green on the on the scooter and you get to Battery Park beautiful park underused park this it was gorgeous it's called like the Frank Edgar Park or something you could see the Statue of Liberty right out there the Sun was setting the water

is beautiful it was just it's a it's a hidden gem in New York nobody utilizes this part so they're like are you're gonna go on last couple Tuesdays showed up which was nice slo-mo and a couple other cats and I have to go on last and the guy running it goes just to give you a heads up that group over there is a jazz band and they said they want to start playing soon so we're gonna try to get you up before they start playing and I was like here we go here it comes these outdoor shows are a kick in the taint already now a band might play I mean come on so sure as my asshole smells like cheese they called my name and in

the distance you hear I mean it was like Nextop Pottersville I was the fucking trumpet right here I was like you have no microphone so I'm like so Uber huh you know brutal just try to yell and the whole thing's ruined and now I'm just riffing on the band because it's the elephant in the asshole and oh it was it was a long 12 minutes did you try to work with the band at all because I'm at one point Mike Fenoya had that gig when you do comedy with the band and you're like I was walking down but they're not really working with you no no and jazz as you know is unpredictable so it right when I think I'm

gonna have a pause I get a right and then right when I think I'm gonna I get a wall so I couldn't really map it out yeah that's tough to map because if you have a band working with you yes it's quite fun because you can be like and then it got crazy and then they're like whatever they get it going for you but if they're just wampering and whacking forget about it but it must have been fun for at least a few seconds when you walked up to jazz because it feels like a late night or an old-school late night I guess but again if you have the host has no Mike I have no Mike so it's just like please welcome because now the band

is covering the sound and these poor people had to fake laugh and be nice and they were smiling but you know they're off they're they're off in the distance too it's a wide field so you got the guy in front of you and that's about it yeah it's tough in general I'm doing one tonight I did one the other day there's something funny about Greg Stone pointed this out all the people that used to have shitty gigs are like thriving because all the gigs are shitty now so there's certain like bookers and people that are like great a shitty show and bad conditions I've been doing this for 20 years that's a great point Stoney

but yeah the stand-up New York ones are strange because they're in the park like you said no Mike and I just did well this is a this is exciting I'm Thursday I'll be on WTF with Mark Marin very exciting that's big that's lunch it's exciting a big fan of the show obviously yada yada but we were talking I was talking about he's like have you done shows I'm like I did this outdoor show this drive-in show this thing this show and he was like no how come like what are you doing that and there was a moment where I was like I really don't know I mean I hadn't thought about it like it's just because it's some people they're

like you're doing shows during the day in a park with no microphone for people sitting in the grass why or people in their car and I'm like well that's a great question I think I didn't have an answer yeah because it's not for the money I mean like the spot pays okay but 25 bucks and then to take the train that's five is like you're netting $17 right which is fine but you're like I don't know and I guess it's just I like telling jokes yeah like I guess we I guess we're doing this now I mean part of it's like I guess we're doing this but also it's it's fun to tell jokes even on zoom I kind of like the zoom shows I

can't I like telling jokes to it's like the Leno thing like telling somebody joke they never heard and you wrote it and it's something to do what are you gonna eat eat Velveeta and watch 90-day fiance the rest of your life I'm outdoors like I brought I brought the girlfriend and she was like this kind of nice it's beautiful out it's kind of cool and it's not as hot and we're doing something I got a white claw on my hand and a boob in my other hand and you know a dick in my ass and I'm having a nice night well that's the thing too is they're kind of judgment-free sets you're not so much like oh that's like but I have to

say last week I did Bel Air diner again and it was the first time I've done a set where I was like fuck that joke sucked that kind of ate it like it was a the very first one I've done about 10 sets or whatever it was the furrow maybe less than that probably six maybe it was the first time that I was like ah that bit that's no good and I'm like ah it's back there's that feeling of like I kind of suck I haven't written anything maybe I lost it and I had that in a while so that's I know that feeling too well and it stinks it comes back on you so we'll see but the stand doing the stand on well this this week we're courting ahead of

time so you missed the show folks but I think I might be on that with you yeah I'm doing I'm doing it Thursday last Thursday if you're hearing this podcast but I'm like yeah it sounds good to me we'll do it that one I think they have no money because they can't charge or something yeah I don't know what's going on you get a meal how sweet I got good grub so I got that meal don't you but on last night I slept in it so we do that show that shows a big waste of time big piece of garbage I take some photos I talked to a Tuesday for like 20 minutes it was it was fun and then I was like all right now to get to Fort Green I pop

up all I mean the downtown New York it's like it's like I am legend I'm the only guy down there you know you got those big smoke stacks I'm going through the smoke you know through the through the hog and I'm cutting through Wall Street and all those cool old stone buildings you get up on that Brooklyn bridge it's the wooden planks you know you're up on the hog you have the whole city Jerry just right there and it's the Sun is setting it's it's crazy then you get to Brooklyn and everything gets real dark and sad and scary you know and this show is in it's like the Myrtle projects what do you call that a murder have biggie

Jay-Z the whole thing oh wow so I used to live around there in 08 07 and it was dicey and now it's like white chicks jogging in a cupcake shop it's it's still the project but it's it's a homogenous what do you call it it's diverse it's a different project now is it project runway yeah hey write that down so yeah so I go into this park and like there's a bunch of guys grill in and hanging out and shooting dice and the whole thing and I get it to this it's this big set of stairs and all the audience is sitting on the stairs and you're on the bottom projecting up and you actually have a microphone they got

a mechanics spotlight on you and it's a hot crowd it's probably like 60 people it's hot yeah I think I'm doing that show next week it's it looks good show me the photos I was supposed to do this big I couldn't do it but those photos I was like this looks magical it was great some guys Santiago does it he looks kind of like a hipster weird Al bad guy yeah and so I show up and they're like oh you're gonna go on in a minute and it's packed everybody's killing and this one guy's on stage I don't want to say his name but he's doing well and he starts making Chris Brown jokes and this guy in the back goes fuck you Chris Brown's great

and he's like really defending Chris Brown and he's kind of having a back and forth with this guy I look up at the guy he's shirtless he's got a big old fluff a ponytail going and the guys like ah come on shut up suck my dick whatever and the guy's like fuck you I'll kill you I'll fight you and he was like all right whatever let me do my jokes and he's he's going back and forth and the guy gets up and he goes I will cut you motherfucker I just got out of jail and now everybody's like oh shit and this guy scare I mean this guy means it he's the real deal he's not fine he's this is not a front this guy will cut your face

he might be the Queen slasher so he kept saying this is Brooklyn motherfucker this is Brooklyn I will fuck you up and the guy's like who cares I'm from Atlanta it doesn't matter where you're from shut up and he's walking down the stairs now and luckily nobody's doing a thing this little beefy guy just gets in front of the guy goes hey take it easy man don't don't go down any more steps and the guy's like yelling over the other guy's shoulder I couldn't believe what I was saying it was it was bananas this is horrifying I mean I don't know if I want to do this gig now I've seen the photos but this this is a different story all

together yeah I don't want to fight a knife guy do the gig but here's the clinker what was so fascinating was it was it was kind of like this because it was probably 80% honkeys in the audience even though this is like deep Brooklyn and it was like gentrification meets old Brooklyn like I don't fuck around I'll cut you I went to jail like so it was fascinating because you're like hey see this this is reality folks like I know it's all peace and love and whatever but like shit gets real here it was a it was an interesting dynamic wow that is spicy did you go on after this or before this thank God there was

a lady on after and she's from Brooklyn she's like I went to high school a block away and she had a great great rebuttal because she was like when I was in high school all the guys would come here to fight this was the fight spot and now obviously it's still in the air or whatever and the guy just left eventually but he was pissed like he would have cleaned that guy's clock without even thinking about it that's what's scary about these shows is there's no doorman you're just in the park I mean like you could have just homeless people which is plenty of oh yeah and they could just come right up and shoot you stab you

shank you trick you push you moon you I mean they could really ruin the show yeah soon ye and behind me so I got the you got the guy the the crazy ex con guy and then behind the stage or whatever it was a stump and a whole junkie was just like so it's pretty cool it was like boy this is a this is old school I got a convict who wants to cut this guy then you got the junkie passed out behind you and then you got a bunch of like Brooklyn hipsters so it's quite a mix and they don't do these these Brooklynites they don't like dark humor like I made fun of the junkie that got zilch I did some some dark jokes about

race that got zilch but then you go I have anxiety and they're like you know they're like okay we can get on board yeah you're privileged to have anxiety though right right it was it was it was fascinating but uh yeah that guy would he was gonna kill somebody that's fucking scary but I think I'm doing it so maybe I'll get a story myself but if that guy shows up I'm I'm dropping the mic and running home yeah yeah he meant business and I was glad I wasn't the guy dealing with it but it was uh it was a sight to see um speaking of sights to see I'll tell you a sight to see

my erection folks yes that's a hell of a sight to see I don't know if uh you like erections but I'm sure you do whether you're man woman or child I'm sure you love them Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue chew you know about it it's the first chewable dick pill while we're all stuck at home some of us are out and about now but maybe when you're out and about you're meeting ladies and bringing them back home what's something we could all use a little more of human contact we need it but sometimes not everything's up to par on the old body as you age you get a little older and you get less uh

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should do the talking on this one I don't want to break any feathers or uh you know ruffle break any high heels but uh ruffle that's it uh but uh we have a patreon if you enjoy that kind of thing there is a patreon yes that uh contains much more material we got a bonus episode with dan soter one was stavros halkias we got another as we sit here and record we got another big guest on the docket but uh you never know what these hollywood types yeah we got a big fish on the real but uh you know these la queves can he might jump off the hook if you know what I mean but right now he's looking pretty good well we'll see but he's a he's a real get he's may or may not be on there and um but yeah he gave me the I should be don't you hate that I should be I would record

I'm gonna really trash him for this are you available I should be yeah yeah yeah you should be that's who I should say you you should be available for this and he's supposed to say you damn right I'm there homo but we'll see he is a gay man so that's a giveaway a little that's that's the most nugget I'll give you but get on the patreon you're missing a ton of great content we're in a pandemic you're at home finger in your own clit might as well pipe it in and throw us a couple clams and enjoy some extra yucks yeah and now that you know it's Joe Rogan we're talking about I mean uh well he's bored in Texas you know he's gotta do something that's a good name for an album bored in Texas there you go um but yeah so uh check that out uh it's the patreon and you can get

on there and there's a lot of great stuff on there and uh yeah yeah and you don't want to be the guy missing out you know when all your Tuesday chums get together in that uh facebook page and everybody's talking about this and that you don't want to be the chuchu's uh out in the cold no you don't want to be a cold chuchu that's the last thing you want to be and um so get in there I don't know what else you gotta do yeah here here so uh let me know what you think about this there sloppy jalopy by the way I heard what a jalopy is you know what that is a sloppy jalopy no idea somebody wrote in they said you know what that is I said I don't know is that a car a jalopy and he said no a sloppy jalopy is a sex term for jizzing in your hand and slapping a guy well certainly jalopy was around

before that I but that's a sloppy it's kind of like the houdini or the rusty trombone it's one of those right so it's one of those but that means jalopy must have been around before that yeah jalopy's its own thing but you throw sloppy in just like a trombone is its own thing but you throw in a rust but what's a jalopy I don't know call in if you know what a jalopy is so you still don't know I thought you were revealing it I'm revealing a sloppy jalopy I got you the sloppy matters I thought that it was just an adjective like a stinky fart you wouldn't be like that's a fart no sloppy a lot of hard no I got you yeah so that's that's what this kid said but who knows he could be he could be doing those on the street and getting his ass kicked I don't know if he made that up but

that was the rumor all these years I've loved sloppy jalopies I had no idea that's how you get the Ronas is somebody hit your face with their own semen but how about this so I hope I've told you about the hobo is a running rampant out here it's uh it's it's it's thunderdome with the with the derelicts oh I've been down there I was at the cellar the other night that that one woman with the short hair you know that little lady that's there we've seated together I mean she makes like six visits every 10 minutes I know she must be cleaning up or not cleaning up I can't tell but she's just making the rounds all day she hits you up I'm like I am the same it she must look at like uh people like the the background of an old cartoon you

know it's just the same shit in the background yeah and by the way she hasn't cleaned up in a while from the footage I've seen I mean she is a stinky lady yeah she's got a branch in her hair and a leaf over here yeah it's not it's not looking good but so me and the gal are sitting down at a nice outdoor establishment having some Thai food in the heat not a great choice when that tom yum is burning your asshole but uh this lady comes up you know normal what's that that's sorry I said tom yum bum oh hey that's a good porn wasn't wasn't worth it I apologize that's fine I don't want to miss a thing so we're eating our uh spring roll or whatever and this lady comes up normal looking lady I don't know 35 and she's got a little five-year-old six-year-old in tow

and she goes hey you got a dollar and I you know I pull the old I got no cash keep it moving sister and she goes well it's her birthday and I was like oh geez and the kid looks up with the big eyes it goes it's my birthday I'm six or whatever you're like oh Jesus and she she's planted there she won't leave you're at the table so you can't leave either and she's like that's her birthday and I'm like oh yeah all right well I don't have any cash she goes I got cash app I got Venmo and I was like Jesus Christ and my gal is a real kind sold queef so she's like all right what's your uh what's your Venmo and she just pulls her phone out and does this shit and it's got that QR code you know you hover on the QR code and we're like okay and I'm so mad at this point I'm so angry that I was

just like all right we got it well we'll send it to you just keep you know like let us eat and she was like all right thank you and she walks away and I was like don't send her a fucking dime yep she pushed it you get you get the nice thing you get the uh the sympathy the kid birthday which is probably made up but once you push it you're out you you you lost your shot I agree with the push and by the way one of the chances it's the kid's birthday just that one day happened to be the birthday of course every day is her birthday I'm sure and it's tricky because there's only so much you can give so and then you don't want to play God and be like not you but you but not you but you but at sometimes you're just eating you're like hey I'm sorry I'm eating you gotta beat

it and that one lady we were talking about earlier at the cellar or whatever in the village I can't tell what's going on there but it's hard to express you're like we're the same people I know you just talked to us you were just here five minutes ago I know and and then the other one is you get hit up 19 times by 17 different hobos and you want to go I gave that guy a dollar I can't give you a dollar too because he I've tried that before and it doesn't go well they're just like huh well I don't care about other things I just want my money and you're like I know but I already gave a bunch of people money and now you're coming up you're not the first hobo I've seen today I hate to tell you that but it's true yeah you gotta it's it's a it's a tricky thing and you

do I think we've talked about that before you wish you could have again the chip we need all kinds of chips or lights or signals yes one that's like I like ball busting you know that's a that's a pair of nuts and then one's like I already gave it's a trash bag it's like I already gave money to somebody right you know whatever it is it almost like in college football you get an interception or whatever you get a sticker you fill your helmet oh helmets with stickers you know there's I got 41 gave a homeless guy a hand job stickers and I got three I don't mind you know the c words yeah and whatever yeah I think you're I think you're honest when I was a kid I wore a helmet because I was retarded but yeah but how about this whoa look at that I mean the people at home can't hear this oh sorry

sorry I just stood up and showed my dick if you're at home no uh some fan a Tuesday sent us a stack of shirts and he sent me a vintage Larry David headshot this has got to be from 75 or something wow that's great yeah pretty cool I've worn it for like three days straight I can't take it off I love it so much oh that's fantastic what a terrible looking guy oh hideous hideous man probably why he's so uh funny because he's got to look at that in the mirror but uh whoever sent it please write in call in I want to say a thanks how are these people getting your address what the hell's going on here well now that I got the uh the place I can't rent I'm sending that's my p.o box I'm sending over there that's pretty good that's pretty good oh eventually someone's going to move in they're

going to be getting pictures of you know tits and retard cock and a picture of a dump I know I'm worried that they I'm going to show up over there and fucking you know Tuesday 508 fan number 99 is going to be just sleeping at the doorstep yeah that's uh that's a little nerve wracking I would say how's the uh shopping going by the way with that place not good we've already lowered the price once and I'm staying where it is because I can't go down any further I'll get I'll get raped on the mortgage I mean you can use it as an office I suppose right ah I guess I could but we're showing it so I don't want to be in there you know writing the word come on a piece of paper and some lady comes in I'm like oh hello don't mind me you know she's she's got to she's got to see the

place well someone's got a letter in right I mean if you're showing you put away the cum you swallow the cum I guess you're right we got a we got a realtor guy he's a real uh real goat getter this guy's a chatterbox to say the least but he's he's a hell of a realtor he's name drops like you wouldn't believe he's like oh I sold uh bono uh butt plug last week I'm like oh good for you you know but he's he's a hell of a realtor it's such a fascinating job that these jobs I feel like I'm sure I'm wrong because I don't want to be like one of these guys that's like oh I could do comedy I'm funny at the office my dick's small and I told my dad about it and he laughed or whatever but it's a good bit a real like a realtor

a realtor which doesn't even I always thought it was a realtor I can't tell how many syllables are in that word I don't know what's what it's like nuclear is it nuclear nuclear I don't know what's going on and what are we doing with the nest in Wednesday Wednesday no it's wed wed Wednesday it's wed the nest than day what I know the the nest is silent I don't like a silent nest I can tell you that right now silence is violence baby I'm telling you the the and it's like Brett Farve the end belongs before the D I don't know why it's Wednesday it should be when does day I think it's just old English you know like God be with you turned into goodbye well whatever is going on with Wednesday I'm not happy about it all right it's February yeah

that's all another one black history I don't know what's going on but anyways uh the realtor I mean I feel like I could do that you show up you walk in you go here's the door this is a nice door and then you go in you go look at here's the bedroom it's spacious and you know you can fucking hear and then there's the closet you put your clothes in there I mean how hard is it to sell a home I guarantee you could do it and I think that's why a lot of like people get out of rehab and they're like I got my real estate license and they put on a pantsuit and a clipboard and they go show off a bunch of places they make a million dollars every every tom dick and queef face is doing real real estate well yeah it feels like the house sells itself which I'm sure is a saying

somewhere in the bible or whatever but it definitely feels deuteronomy it definitely feels like the house because I mean I bought my apartment Ed Larson the comedian was like hey you gotta see my apartment there's one opening up downstairs looks just like mine he showed me his apartment and his girlfriend's panties were there and there was a dump in the toilet yeah but I was like I get it I can picture it perfect I'll take it right I mean same with the car you went in with the car and just said I'll take it you didn't sit in 18 cars and put the stick shift up your ass you just said all right I'll take this no and by the way as expected I'm sure I'm running into little problems now my buying thing I don't know where the windshield wipers are I don't know where the speed stick is

I don't know where the speed stick that's a deodorant what the hell's going on I can show you where the windshield wipers are well whatever you know I mean I'm going to back up there's a beep and a queef and I don't know what's what I had to go get a photo inspection for the insurance company a photo it was so it was so emasculating that the insurance company needs photos to make sure there's no damage and whatever so I went there to get the photo inspection and it was so emasculating it's like a young girl attractive woman she's like 22 Latino and she's like you got the uh the speed sweeps in there and I'm like I don't know what that is and she's like you got the leather boobs and I'm like I don't know what that is she's like you got the backup tits I'm like I

don't know what anything is I'm like just go look at it's red that's all I know it's got four wheels you cunt so she came out and did a little checklist and took some photos and then even then she handed me the thing I'm like and who's this for this is for the registration she's like no the registration and then she looked over she's like you have a registration it's right there and I was like I don't know she's like you're registered you've let's she's like this is for the insurance company she's like do you know what you're doing here and I'm like I have no idea they told me to drive here at 10 30 on Tuesday wow well you should know the registry in case you get pulled over as a black man you might get pulled over and you want to have all that ready well

I have that shit in the glove compartment I think I stuck that in my ass I don't know if I need an easy pass or whatever but but I'm definitely I don't know where anything is in the car all right well maybe we'll do a fun video of you finding I want to film you and you go and you're like oh here's the other the turn signal and the wiper fluid jizz is on your face that could be a fun little little uh you know Laurel and Hardy that's not bad hey here comes a fart maybe it'll be funny here we go it was terrible it was a little snapper smells weird but it's not wasn't funny sorry I didn't get anything but yeah yeah it stinks horribly yeah get the car come down to the cellar we'll share a wing and an ice cream and get a milkshake with two straws and live it up

because uh what else are we doing with our lives but yeah yeah like those cars I mean that's why like old cars it's got a blinker it's got a steering wheel it's got a radio and that's it now they got cruise control and I don't get heated seats who needs a heated seat oh you're crazy have you used one in the winter they're unbelievable I mean our seats that cold I've never gotten a car and we're like god the fucking vinyl geez it's freezing my tits off well it's not the seat that's cold it's the earth and the life that's cold but it heats you immediately it's like laying down on the hot sun it's quite quite nice you can really uh toast up quick what's a fun trick to do is in the summer is you you slyly hit the passenger seat one and then let them heat up and they think they're

all fucked up they think they're having a stroke and then you go I got you with the thing I guess but I feel like you put a heated seat on I mean I when I was a kid I grew up with an electric blanket that thing warmed you like a like a fat mom and I'd feel like I'd doze right off to la la land well yeah I guess you gotta try to stay awake that's uh that's tricky but some by the way have the cooling seats I've been in a fancy car they got the seats that they blow cool air oh I like that that I like because another one's not getting that hot car well it's the same principle but now the seat heat is seat heat is good all right all right seat heat is good but but you know what I mean like the steering wheel used to be a round wheel with a horn in the middle now it's a round wheel

with 19 twitches and tweaks and queues all popping out of it little levers well this thing has a thing I had never heard about and this is pretty cool it has a um there's cruise control but this is another button that keeps you the same distance behind the car in front of you I like that so normally when you got cruise control going if the it's the asshole in front of you slowing down you gotta take cruise control off and slow down or whatever this one just goes I'm eight feet behind that guy and then you just cruise behind that guy hey some people need that in their human body for a little social dist I agree with that yeah I told you my idea for the the car please probably a long time ago this is probably a rerun but I think this idea is good the brake light system

goes by a tone of red aura like a 10 lights that show you how hard the person's hitting the brake like an amber alert it gets darker exactly so I've definitely talked with this on the pod but I don't remember if you just touch a brake slightly the brake light comes on yes the same light that comes on if you slam on the brakes so how often are you driving and you see brake lights and you go yeah and then you realize that just fucking slowing down a mile per hour it should show the the urgency with which they're hitting the brakes interesting well see I don't see color so that could be tough but if you make it like an EQ like you you're saying you show the whole the whole up what do you call it uh grade great graduating a gradual rise yeah like like a phone battery

other the phone reception thing like a high a vertical yes I see oh that's good man I like that that's a pretty good idea I think I've even thought you could have green lights when they're accelerating because sometimes if they're just cruising you can but you can then you know all right their foot's off the accelerator now so they're slowing down even though they're not breaking oh that's gold baby this is something maybe you know Elon Musk can take this and this will be the evidence that I invented it the only problem is it will it'll cut down on uh aesthetics because you know you want you want a nice sharp brake light but how big would have to be to have the variations you know like the EQ well I don't know and I think the other issue would be

safety because they'd be like no no we don't want that we want people to fucking break when they see breaks that's a good point as well because they teach you in driving if you see red you should be covering the brake at the very least you should be slowing down in some way yeah you know why I learned this from uh Neil deGrasse tie no I assume it has something to do with ladies periods it is yes it's a miscarriage basically you see your brain things blood and it just thinks like oh shit bad problem so you hit the brakes that's why traffic lights are red that say stop is that true that's what he said oh no kidding wow yeah so he also said that means if our blood was green red would mean go and green would be stopped

wow that's fascinating yeah he's good he's good I like that guy yeah he's something I did Conan he was on he didn't seem to like me very much ah well I did his his radio show whatever it's called Cosmos or Cosmo Kramer I don't know and I was pretty blue and he was not into it yeah he didn't like my shit either I don't know I mean I walked over he had a little puss on his face and it was a bummer but what can you do he seems like he does all the fun podcasts I don't know I'm I can't imagine him being uh offended or anything I don't know these offended you might have just thought I stunk oh all right well that I could see because some people stink and they're not offensive they just stink oh there's a lot of that yeah my dad

but um we we're gonna start to wrap it up here but I want to say the prop the fans have probably already seen it on social media we have an official date for the special it's this Thursday two days from now August 6th on YouTube it'll be Comedy Central's YouTube they threw me some dough to cover the costs and they're sticking it on their thing and they got several million uh subscribers so I'm hoping that means something and uh the trailer's up now and that's already got comments saying trash with four a's in the middle of it so sorry about that one we're doing a premiere it's premiering at nine eastern six pacific on YouTube Comedy Central's YouTube and uh I'll be there doing whatever you do I don't

know I think I'm in the comments and I comment back when people say trash I say hey take out the trash my father's gay or whatever yeah go talk back so uh that's 9 p.m. and I think it helps if people are watching it like an event like a tv show yes yes it does that's good yeah that's good for the algo so 9 p.m. eastern six percent specific and uh sorry I had a little stroke there be there Thursday YouTube and you know the drill you guys are the best fans in comedy give it a thumbs up give it a comment mention the podcast in the comments and say hey great and share the fuck out of it give it to your mother your aunt your sister your dad eat them all out and watch it watch it a few times I mean can you watch it multiple times is give it extra views how does that

work oh yeah oh yeah watch it over and over and just let the fucking thing play you know even if you're taking a diarrhea dump just leave it on your laptop leave it on the tv and the beauty of the youtube is you get a link share that puppy send it to your mom your dad incest whatever and just spread the love and we got to make these big folks like we are we're a couple of comics just trying to make it out there we can't obviously kick it on uh you know the amazons and the hbo's so throw us throw us a bone and let's and it's good I've seen it I saw it live I can't imagine how it's going to look with that crisp color correct and the nice sound engineering and all that nonsense so I'm I'm gonna be watching I can't wait yeah I'm excited so uh check it out get excited and that

same day I'll be on uh wtf with uh Mark Marin which is perfect excited which to me I mean I was nervous all day it's like bigger than a tv show that thing what you did it already I recorded it yesterday yeah how was it oh shit I know we gotta go but we gotta go I gotta go I gotta make this gig but uh it was fun it was good it's hard because you know he's going through a lot and uh he's had a lot of conversations yeah well his his life partner just passed away like two months ago right right right right so he's having a really tough go of it and also you know you're talking you're like the guys interviewed Obama and Seinfeld and uh everybody everybody yeah and you're just going yeah I was uh I really wanted to be a comic so and he's just I'm like he cannot possibly be

interested in this right um he seemed to enjoy it his producer said that uh he enjoyed it and uh he watched the special which was exciting oh first person to see the special is Mark Marin wow now was he mean because sometimes you can be a little a little gruff a little cutting no I didn't find him mean at all but I could tell and you can hear when you listen to it you'll hear I think he thought it seems like I was like an alt guy he doesn't know me he doesn't know my but he said you're a wiry guy with glasses New York I think he thought I was like an alt woke nerd and then we started talking about Boston and I started with all the same sort of people that he was around yeah not that we started together but like when he started

it was all you know Mike donovan Mike McDonald Tony V and he and Don Gavin and he knew I came up with those guys and I worked all those vfw's and one night was that he worked and then um he found out I was friends with like depolo and Quinn and I was a drunk and he's like oh now I see what's going on here I see so that was fun because it felt like in real time he sort of was like I I get it right and he was like I was watching the special and he's like this guy's got some fucking teeth which I appreciated yes I think he was talking about my crook of teeth but uh so it was nice it definitely felt like by minute 40 he had a lot more respect for me than minute one I think he was like all right this guy's got something going on so I guess I'll

talk to him right I like that by the end he was like oh okay this guy's the real deal oh hey all right little uh redemption at the end and uh he found out the real you yeah so that's how I sort of perceived it and he said he enjoyed the special and he laughed a few times and uh you know I felt for because I've spent so much time listening to the show and I know him so well from the show but I don't know him personally at all so it's hard because you want to be like I'm so sorry for you're going through and fucking you know you just want to be uh you just want to be friends because it's a comic yes so it's weird to kind of do an interview and uh but I think it was good I hope he enjoyed it and I hope people enjoy it and we discussed this on the podcast if you're a fan

of this show you're going to listen to it and hear a ton of shit you've already heard but just we talked about he said this before W on DWTF and uh I was quoting him but you're like just here at all again and just wait for everyone else to catch up because as most of the people have never heard of me even though you've been listening to me for years you're gonna have to hear the shit in the shoe and the drinking and the thing again but uh just bear through it because the other fucking 350 million people haven't heard about it right and right now I'm topped out at about 40,000 fans and I could really use well you know another 50,000 well yeah well we're guilty of that too I mean how many Larry David interviews have we listened to and been excited about and

you're like oh yeah you got on stage everybody you walked off after two seconds you were a cab driver yes fridays you know we know every fucking millisecond of that yeah exactly so it's it's going to be that so maybe it's funny I'm like coming apart I'm like don't listen to it it sucks you don't want to hear this but but now we had some laughs it was pretty good so that's on you can hear that Thursday morning and then at 9 p.m. Eastern go watch the special on YouTube and I'll be there sobbing yeah I can't wait and we're all gonna watch in real time and last thing I'll say it's one of the great things about show biz is you listen to that show and you get to be on a show you're a fan of that's one of the beautiful things those are rare moments in show business

yeah it's crazy it was exciting so um yeah it was awesome so check it out I gotta run because I'm gonna be late for a spot I can't believe this I gotta leave 20 minutes late don't even don't even fret I know it's Sarah's on the show too so I'm responsible for getting hurt there on time so don't you have the you got the the centra I got the centra but the gig starts in 30 minutes you're gonna park I gotta figure out you know how to start the thing watch over those windshields those wipers will get you all right I'll see you now fatty good go kill it take it easy comedy we crazy