Tuesdays with Stories! - #362 It's Torrential

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

It's a kooky one this week folks as Joe does shows in Virginia before hanging with Chris Alan while Mark does stand up in the rain before performing in front some conservative Jews. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) & Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy oh shit there we go we're live it's happening welcome to Tuesdays with stories folks I am the Joe vintage tea list and that's Markey armpit stain Norman who Jesus a channel that is a wet spot in a half like a

lady at a Beatles concert in the 60s yeah you look like a history teacher we had a teacher mr. Stabler this guy was fat as hell and he had the yellow he had the yellow stains on his white tea I mean he was right out of a central casting the comb over with like the six lines going over the scalp the pet pocket protector with 18 pens a protractor a compass a dildo and big old yellow under the pit doesn't it blow you I hate the yellow first of all if you saw my pillow my sheets my blankets bright yellow it looks like it looks like there's a fucking crazy piss party happening in my bedroom the whole pillow bright yellow

look at oh boy we're gonna I thought we're gonna get a sneak peek yeah this saw I mean I don't know if you can see it doesn't really pick up here let me try little dingy little dinge I'll try to find this we got some new stuff going here and it's a lot of people listen on audio anyways but take my word it looks like a simpson sketch in here yeah I mean you're talking to the pissy professor over here I know about the urine but you're talking just sweat wearing tear sweat I guess I just sweat I'm a night sweater or night terrors or whatever the night watchmen I don't know what it is but my pillow is just bright

yellow always has been since I was a kid I mean three weeks here I think is the anxiety I'm just shaken and sweating no matter what and it's yucky I'm leaking yellow ink yeah my thing is the the nuva ring around the collar I my collars look like I wipe my ass with them they're brown and yellow and they look like an old treasure map wait nuva ring what's that again no that was a joke about I just use the word ring but I got the ring around the collar is what I'm saying nuva rings the the IUD that you put in your snatch to stop a child oh right no child left behind but what's what's what are you talking about with the bat the

neck what you know like a white-colored shirt the button up it's just ruin back there just with sweat I guess it's like your pillow but it gets brown and yellow and gay and weird and I you can't get it out like I put bleach on it I put the holy water and the placenta nothing all right I'm good to know it makes me feel better that you got back of the next sweat oh man back of the neck my lower back is covered in semen and I get I got the wet sheets to use my mattress is it's horrific that's kooky kooky times I think I think everyone's anxious I can't sleep well anymore I don't sleep I wake up I have obsessive thoughts in my sleep

you know when you're half awake in the morning when you got your kind of awake and I keep thinking about the emails I have to send yes it's like 625 and I'm like Christina bonfire I'm just going through my head and I keep waking up early now and people are like you get up and Adam it's good you're up early but I'm like no no it's horrific I just can't sleep I'm the same way and I'm so jealous of these queeps are like slept till one like Sam I used to take Sam at like nine and he would not get back to middle two he's like I just got up I'm making coffee I'm like do you know what a gift that is like I know it's it's you

know you lost your day but at least you're healthy at least you're like cleansing yourself with your snooze well you want that middle sleep you want solid I want to go to bed at one and wake up at nine and just feel true but wouldn't be nice to have the option I mean if you if you're one of these sleep till one guy just set an alarm for 10 well that's what I mean that's what I'm saying I want eight solid REM whatever the fuck I go to bed at three I wake up at eight I mean 11 11 I can't do the math but you know what I mean I hear you I hear you I can't I got this Calcula you know me I can't add or subtract sounds

made up but it's real yeah I believe it but what what started this with the sweat because there was some other thought I wanted to branch into branch Ricky it was pre-yellow before the bed shit yellow fever I said hey we're here and then you said something I'm not oh I said you're blocked up with with gigs no that was before that was off air don't start going into the off air business my god shut down yeah we'll turn into Mel Gibson over here shit I can't remember fuck my ass Johnson I'm clueless well it doesn't matter I'm sure something else will come up to talk about oh now I'm

jizzing on my face I can't figure this out wait hold on I want to know this so you turned yellow the sheets you're getting no sleep ah fuck it oh I got it I got it I had the teacher with the yellow stains yes she'll be she'll be just texted also teacher he said teacher there we go what was the teacher thing now see now right here no but now I remember what we were talking about but I don't remember what sparked me it spawned me or sparked me did I ever tell you this one we had to come up did I ever tell you this we had to come up with a team name we had team trivia seventh grade mr. DeCosta was our teacher and we

were we were blue we were gonna be there was like blue red yellow and you had to come up with a team name based on the color and our color was blue and one of my suggestions was blue blocks bland and he just wrote it down in the chalkboard like he was like okay that's an option and it didn't get picked didn't get chosen but I feel like if a kid said that now they would fucking throw him out through the face first of the window yeah especially because you were colored you know you're all different colors so like you know it's color coordinated which is also weird but that's pretty clever for a kid like you that's pretty

worldly it wasn't bad yeah I mean I knew about the cool we had probably studied the Ku Klux Klan in that class so I felt like it was worth you know whatever bringing up like I was like right remember Ku Klux like if it was a math class it'd be a little weirder yeah but it was the thing of like we had just studied that and I did a Ku Klux Klan pun but the fact that he wrote it down of like okay we'll vote on that if it gets voted on we'll choose it I like this teacher he he goes with the flow at least you know he's he's not like shunning children for having ideas even if they're weird yeah he had a big sign that

said put downs with like a circle and a line through it no put downs and it was the first time I ever heard the term put down and I still haven't heard it very much it's not a in use term no and you know what else is like that is tardy seems like tardy would go away but that's only heard in schools you never hear tardy like oh Jeff's tardy he's the accountant yeah good point that's a retardy you hear retardy yeah but it's I think it's an age thing like you hit puberty you get pubic hair and all of a sudden you're not tardy you're just retarded yeah there's weird things I remember there was also a sign one of my

math classes that said be a robot not a bigot but it didn't even rhyme like on paper it looks similar but I was like you don't want to be a robot no just say don't be a bigot but robots no good and they don't even rhyme yeah and you could still be a racist robot good point ah ha I have a point yeah you know sure there's right racist robots yeah you know when Google we did this once when you Google they Google face match they had a black family that came up as a couple of you know what's and it was a racist thing they got rid of it hmm yeah racist robots yeah fun fact oh shit you had something that sparked something can I just say

this I'm in a mood here I'm a little cranky it happened to me again somebody stole my bike cover that's the third one Jesus can you believe it what are you supposed to do about it I guess it's like nets in a basketball hoop where it's just like that's the thing you keep them as long as like when we played basketball in a story here Moody McCarthy would always bring a net cuz something just take them so you just put it up and we started just taking them down with us and put it in your pocket and leave but you can't do that with a bike cover but it seems like it's kind of like the basketball net it's just

something that gets taken I guess so I mean I fooled me once I'm a cook fool me twice I'm a chuch fool me three times I'm gonna come guzzling Nazi over here but I found a solution and I think I'm gonna crack the code and beat the crooks so I've been googling bike covers and I saw one with a hole at the bottom that you can put the lock through so now the locks going through the hole through the wheel and on to the post now let me ask you this is there any damage to the bike are they stealing the cover and then taking a shit on the hood or whatever this is the weird thing is I studied this and I mean I got I could talk about this for an

hour but I took a bunch of CBD I'm out of sleeping pills so I was like yeah all I got CBD so I guzzled it and if you guzzle CBD you will get high cuz there's like a you know it's almost like non-alcoholic beer if you if you drink 90 of them you'll feel a buzz sure yeah so I was pretty high and I when I get high I'm paranoid the wife's out of town so I was just laying in my my apartment in the dark you know with the covers up to my nose whimpering and I kept here in this homeless person outside going you know and it now you're even more paranoid so I'm panicking I'm wet in the bed the sheets are yellow and I say fuck

it you're 36 years old go to bed you're fine you're just high you're paranoid I go to bed I wake up the covers gone so I assume this hobo yet nagged it nabbed it and went and made a little bed out of it or a canopy or a mosquito net well that would be almost the best case scenario if like a homeless crazy person got it because at least you're of service you know maybe he made a tent out of it he can live in it if it's just some whippersnapper stealing it you know to wipe his ass with or some other douche who lost his so he's taking yours that sucks but if maybe if it's a kook you can look at it you know switch

angles and say hey he needed it more than I did all that bullshit that no one believes right right well now that they asked if the bike is there in disrepair the only thing I saw and this is kooky and jarring and it makes you your dickhole sweat there was a pile of cigarette ash on the seat hmm what the hell is that I don't like that I don't like that either that means somebody goes fuck this guy like in the 80s did he burn a hole through the the fabric no hole it's a it's a like a pleather seat and it just had up the pile on it but I wiped it and it was pretty it was fine yeah somebody asked on your bike I mean

that's I think I remember this time where we were built we're putting a basketball hoop in our driveway and which was silly because the driveway you've been to my parents house it had like two huge dips it was like it was at an angle and then it had like the tired dip with it with the car sits there's like tire marks those big potholes in the driveway was a horrible basketball hoop and we have electrical wires running across the driveway it was the worst basketball hoop ever yeah only shoot from this corner it's too bad I didn't have a go-kart to play with good point devastated so we we we built the

basketball hoop but you have to let the cement settle before you can put the top part on so for a while it was just like a two-foot cylinder like the base of the thing and I remember one day I came home and it was a bunch of trash in there it was like a pack of cigarettes a wrapper and the thought that somebody had walked through my lawn and put shit in our belongings it devastated me to give me anxiety of like who was in our yard our cars were here yes somebody walked here somebody was in my shit sing it sister I know exactly you mean it's it's the violation it's the you have no control this already happened somebody did it

somebody's a prick they they they fucked you and they just it the it's the lack of consideration like I have this cigarette pack I have this beer can I don't want it fuck this guy you know I'm throwing it in this little receptacle that'll do well and you have the feeling that like you just alluded to that you're like maybe they know me maybe they hate me maybe they were like I don't like this family I'm gonna go stick a fucking pack of cigarettes in their basketball hoop thing yeah yeah that that's a that's a factor it all stinks I just wish you just want to catch them and go hey what are you doing why are you asking on that you

know and they'll be like yeah it's almost like Twitter or social media where you can be really mean or a comment because there's no face it but you would never say that to the person in in real life right yeah we got to get back to the face the faces face to face face the nation yeah sit on my face face off face this robot so so yeah so that that's a bummer so I got the new one coming it's got the lockhole so now when they try to rip it off they're gonna have to take the whole street sign baby yeah good good for you that that's a bummer what are you doing the winter you you stick it in the house or what it what happens

cover it up at that the the covers waterproof and weatherproof and anal proof and it's it seems I had it all out last winter was fine well I gotta I'm about to have to go to the garage around the corner and pay for a parking spot we're going to I'm flying for the first time in a couple weeks we're going to Marfa Texas with Sarah's mother and sister so I got to find a place to put the car and I was gonna get this garage because it's you know you see have parking to keep moving the goddamn car yeah but it's a rough one you got to go over there and just be like here you go it's like 400 bucks a month for this

fucking yeah here rape me up the pooper this is but you need them but I guess you could drive out to Long Island or Yonkers or something and park it there but you know fuck it then you gotta take a car to the thing and we've already had the experience of dry that long drive and you just can't find a spot and you just it just fucks your mother right in the ass so but it's killing me to go over there and be like okay yeah here's a ton of money for just a space yes but it will be peace of mind you have that that's really what you're paying for because this sounds horrible but anytime you own something it's just another

thing to be anxious about another thing to worry about another thing that you could lose or break so this bike is like the most expensive thing I own and it just sit on the street so I worry about it constantly which is also why I don't know if I can have kids but I had to bring to the shop once the guys like it's gonna be like a week and a half I'm sorry and I was like great because now I know it's locked up in a shop for the first time it's actually it's being fixed but it's actually the safest it's ever been yeah good point interesting yeah I guess I have to I mean I have to do that myself with the garage but even

the garage you're like it could get scratched breathed on wrong right you could shit on it you're just afraid that guy's gonna steal it but I guess you know a centra nobody's taken a centra joyriding no and I think they cover that you probably have to sign some bullshit they go hey we took a dump on the radiator we'll clean it up yeah I guess so but it's weird I've had it for three weeks I'm already like that's my car it's over there that's good you know it's like you lose that thing I like can you believe it we got a car I'm like all right I've been in it too much already put it 1200 miles on it already

I'm like ah fuck I don't want to drive wow like tonight I got a I got a gig I'm taking an Uber I'm like yeah I don't feel like driving wow how about that well the looking for parking sucks the potholes my god I mean the car is gonna last eight weeks in this fucking city yeah oh yeah brutal expect Queens is bad man a story has got some real dinks well we might have to bleep that yeah dinks dinks well it's a very diverse area for sure it has dinks but it's got potholes as well and that's what I'm gillis is calling hello yeah I'm more worried about the potholes but those guys can be trouble too I can't keep up

with the slurs now so I don't know which ones have been added or taken away but yeah we just uh we just drove it down to Arlington I got my first taste of the road yes this past weekend it was really bizarre and I got it I gotta tell you it's got me in a real funk a Marty Funkhouser because uh so Sarah took a gig Arlington draft house which I hadn't been to in eight years my last time there was I was there featuring for John again December 2012 and it was my lot like my second to last week drinking I had like ten days before I got sober and I open for DePaul there a couple times with our old pal Eli Sayers was

MCing so I got good memories there but I I shifted over to the DC draft house that's my gig same same good yeah better better room DC draft houses my favorite we've talked about it and Arlington draft house no disrespect great room it's cool but it's just not I don't like it as much as DC yeah so DC's in the city it's got the low ceiling it's tight it's quiet it's intimate it's cool yeah it's great so this was their first gig first show it's a I mean it's a movie theater slash comedy club they haven't had anything in five months this is grand opening and so they got Sarah headlining I'll go what the fuck I

got nothing to do I'll drive you down there we got the car so we drive down there and it's so straight by the way you got no ego I love that no ego you're like yeah I'll open for you what am I doing well they was fun I did guest spots and to me it's hot I'm fucking the headliner she's older she's headlining it was like the ultimate fantasy to me right it's like I'm a young whipper snapper trying to do guest spots and then the headliner's like eat me out for stage time so the day was a turn she's in the back of the car when you're driving you're like yes mr. Tolemass whatever you say that's what I'm into I'm like I'm

like just fucking rip my hair out pissing my mouth you know step on my balls stick a toe in my ass that's what I'm looking for I hope she cut your time I hope she shit on you when she got on you know the whole thing yeah I asked permission to speak and I went and got her sodas and it was pretty exciting so I drove down there and you know that that drive to DC this northeast corridor it's fucking horrendous never not traffic so we leave at quarter of ten but how about this we get we this is what the way it's we with COVID times we Google maps you plug in Arlington draft house and the directions take you straight across

42nd Street in Manhattan ah but there's nobody in there like the like the Google Maps is like oh go across Times Square I'm like are you sure what are you crazy drive in there it's just us we're driving through Times Square like there's no cars there's no people I mean it's picking up a little bit but seven months ago Google Maps would never be like take 42nd Street across the city that's a great point yeah yeah go right through Grand Central Station it's a quickest way we breezed right through and it was it was pretty sweet to do it but great ride down there and but it's so strange because they're operating at

35% capacity and the room seats like I don't know 300 or something like that so or maybe it's like 250 35% capacity is 50 people max in a room that whole high ceiling exactly in a room that holds like 275 or whatever so it was pretty light there was like you know 20 people there in this and they had to sit them see them spread out yeah just really straight but you got a taste and it gave me a taste of what it was like to go work the road and then Chris Allen came down the fat bully and we hung out and he's going to do that spot you know you missed that feeling of like you come by here yeah I'll come do a guest spot there

we'll meet up back here at the diner but there's no meeting up and all that shit right right I know and but the hotel is fun the green room is fine you eat in the green room you got the fridge with the waters and the red bulls and all that shit is great the smell of the club I love and yeah you see the marquee with the name on it that the whole thing is it's a bummer I can't wait to get back oh I almost started crying early cuz I was I was on Bennington he's like when did you shoot the special so I had to look back as I was trying to get the date and I looked at my calendar and you just see it so packed and you're like Allen's

office dentist office fat black new jokes right Tuesdays with stories and you think of like all these things it made me like it took my breath away thinking about our lives before all this because I'm good at settling in and accepting it and be like this is what our life is we can't control it yada yada fuck my dad but when you really think about the old days you're like fuck I know so sad so sad and think this is even I almost don't want to say it because it's almost too bummery but just think like we've lot we're doing five months here with how much time we've been in whatever it is think about how much we would have

accomplished in those five months I mean we just lost part of our lives we're still doing the pod thank God where we're doubling down on the queeps and the the patreon thank God but like think about every new bit you would have think about every new check you would have from all these gigs and how many cities you would have been to and ah geez it just kills me and the joy the joy we bring we could have brought a lot of joy to a lot of boys and girls that are homeless or whatever bullshit where's the joy exactly Almond joy but yeah it's it's tough at least you got a taste I guess you got a little methadone yeah it was a little

fun but you know it was there was those shows where it's Arlington Virginia they weren't really comedy fans they were just kind of people that were like they wanted to do something yeah and you could tell it was a set you know those sets we were like I can tell that they think I suck yes I know it well too well and the MC was great but I was like just tell him about the special and so he's not he didn't mean anything by but he's like this guy just released a special on YouTube but I'm like you gotta say a big special an hour special or say tonight show in Netflix and in addition because otherwise it sounds like I'm just some

asshole that threw up you know talked into a mic and threw it on YouTube I'm like it's a it's a it's a special on YouTube yes the YouTube is it still is it's working out for us obviously but it still sounds like a make-a-wish yeah you're right it does yeah because anybody could do it it's free to upload so I went out and just bet ain't a bag of shit just a big big bag of cheese every every show I mean like it was a couple of tea he's a couple ha ha's but you can just tell that like oh these people hate me I suck and meanwhile the specials doing great it's got a quarter of a million views I'm on top of the world

and then it's the great equalizer you walk out there and they're just eating popcorn you can hear the popcorn being chewed and of course there's two ladies going yeah oh yeah sure mm-hmm yeah let me just say this a couple things one isn't it well first of all congrats on the special by the way everybody's jizzing all over and everybody loves it the views are insane by the way like you're hitting like a hundred K a day almost or maybe I think it's around 400,000 in four days it's pretty wow I mean you're gonna hit a mill that a million feeling there's nothing better and people are sharing it everybody's

into it I'm getting comments about it I'm getting messages like this special is great I'm like hey I tell him but thank you yeah and I'm so glad it worked out I'm so glad it happened I'm glad everybody likes it but also I've said before I'll queef it again isn't it interesting about comedy that you can say the same jokes that murder but in front of these people they're going this guy's bad that's the hardest thing about comedy like if you make a basketball it whether there's eight people in the room or 20,000 it still counts for two why does the joke not count and you can be considered shitty

just because the vibe is wrong isn't that frustrating yeah but you need you need that's what it makes it so beautiful man it's like it's a dance you need both participants or whatever yeah I guess it's a conversation I get it you do you just want to be like this is good you want to come out and say I'm good just whatever you're thinking just switch it into like this guy's great right and you'll start enjoying these more because you think they come in very skeptical yeah yeah all right so I feel bad for Sarah she's got to do 45 up there it was rough I mean I was coming off stage being like all right good

luck but it's good you know it's like you're getting you we're getting our toes back in you know you're warm up a little bit you try a little bit but the indoor shows I think I'm done with for a while it just is too anxious I feel bad I feel guilty and then the shows just weren't great and some of these outdoor shows are pretty good so I don't know I was just it was safe everyone was far apart but it just wasn't it just made me feel sad that I wasn't we weren't ripping it up right I hear you I hear you well speaking outdoor shows I mean we've been doing we've been on each other's heels though with these did you

talk about soul Jules yet I think so I didn't remember well I think so that was great I did that one last week in Royersford PA never even heard of it before cute little town and me and Doug Key if you don't know Doug Key he's the guy I did the queef with where we got we went to the we hid in a coat room of a gay bar and did a queef and all these gay guys were coming in getting their coats and be like hey boys what are you doing in here we're like no no no we're just doing a queef but Doug Key drove out and it was like a taste of normalcy you show up there's a couple people there you know we cracked a few beers that's

beautiful out that's packed out lawn chairs Tuesdays there comedy shirts and they were good it was a good show people laughed you hear laughter and then that drive back there's nothing better than the drive back after a comedy show yes sorry I was just more than that no no it's just the best beautiful like one Tuesday gave me a bunch of hot sauce and he's like I put a few beers in the bag for the fuck of it and I was like oh what a guy these Tuesdays that throwing out mushrooms and Adderall all kinds of stuff so me and Doug cracked a beer and it's nighttime you finished your work you did well and you got like an hour

and ten to get back there's no better feeling and you're like ah the little things that it's almost like after a workout that in Dwarfen rush you get but it was after comedy oh I love that feeling yeah we did it the week before was Steve Big Dick Rogers I had to drive him to his dumb house way out in Brooklyn but and then we just did it this weekend Saturday after Arlington we drove back through the night I got the XM radio going I got a pro jam show the full show and then you talk about how comedy was how it could be about some bits and it feels great and that driving back after the gig and just

getting home and you're like oh we're in our own beds work tonight in a different state and yeah it feels feels great it's nice to be working even a little bit in any capacity you just want to tell jokes I miss telling jokes well that's the thing people don't realize that I'm gonna sound like a twat here but working is I think it's healthy and good I mean we're lucky we get to do the thing we love to do and you know get paid for but like I I know everybody's like we got time off I'm you know it's like a big joke like I took so many naps I needed a nap and a man like Jim Gaffigan's got four hours on like don't

you just want to eat all day and not get off the couch you're like no that sucks you got to get out there and shake it up and do something and go to work and and accomplish something and then the happiness kicks in that's that's the satisfaction I don't think I think everybody's trying to get away from discomfort but I think that's where people should be going towards especially now with the COVID well that's yeah that's definitely part of the problem is nobody has any I feel like they have any value because they're not yes I talked to a friend today he's depressed he's got he's like I'm doing actually nothing

right even if you hate your job at least you feel like you're contributing to society in some way whether you're your bag and somebody's groceries or you're building somebody's house or you're cleaning somebody's siding yes you're making somebody laugh when you're not doing that you just feel like I'm a piece of shit exactly and that's when the social media maybe the canceling maybe all this other stuff you feel so drawn to it because you're like I should be doing something let me take down this racist or whatever this homophobe and like ruin them and do this and that and and dig up tweets and that ain't shit

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because I love my apartment so much I never want to leave but how about this I'm walking by Washington Square Park and I just see a bunch of teens and 20-something's you know hip kids just staring at cops from across the street there's like a gaggle of cops leaning on their cars doing whatever and they're just flipping them off and going murderers murder it was like it was insane I couldn't believe what I was seeing and the cops just gone all right moving along whatever they weren't even looking at them yeah it's a it's strange strange times a lot of animosity a lot of a lot of boopily boobs and bingatabings but I'm hoping at all the dust settles and we can move on I was driving down Third Avenue the other day or Second Avenue the other day in the city here heading

down to the village and there was a kid standing in the street and he kept doing this like pretending to jump in front of every car oh as you got close he would do that it was like a I don't know what you say like got you I made you flinch or whatever but in the street I mean he was in the street pretending to jump in front of cars wow horrendous behavior subpar behavior as my friend Greg Han would say yeah just just terrible subpar behavior but it's it's kooky times out here it's it's wild it is and with the the flipping off the cops I mean a it's not doing anything like the cops are like all right whatever but they did it for like I walked by like eight time they were doing it for 45 minutes an hour like it was almost kind of adorable like all right kids I get it you're uh you're you're

angsty and you're saving the world but like uh what are you an idiot like I don't know I guess it's a thrill I don't know I mean like I used to tag ship but at least there's some proof I was there some kind of remnants of vandalism yeah I I tag folks on Instagram but uh you know yeah it's there's so much uh spicy animosity out there you can feel it and it just makes you want to move up into the woods and and uh you know smash your computer in your phone and and stick your father's dick in your ass completely because if it ain't the the animosity then you got the the wacky uh homeless and uh they're dropping sandwiches and fingering my butthole so it's uh it's a weird time to live in a big city I'll say that and the murder rate I'm walking you know I go I go to get

my uh bagel every morning at lots of bagels and uh I look at the paper in the front page it just says a thousand victims there's been a thousand murders in New York City this year it's doubled wow man well hopefully these rents will go down as the murders go up and did you see the upper east side they got they got quadruple there's a bunch of uh stabbing slashing robberies like in front of billionaires houses this came from the New York Post so just you know whatever right right who knows but uh pretty pretty kooky oh I think I set you the article I read it it was it was terrifying because like these billionaires are freaking out like it's 1971 and they got held up at knife point one guy could hold up at gunpoint and you know these poor billion they don't know what the

hell is going on it's some guy with a monocle and a cane going oh well I never you know his top bat spinning bow tight a loaded gun two teenagers with a loaded gun yikes yikes my god be uh be on the lookout folks there you go head on a swive now let me I got two big nuggets here please I need some nuggets I got I got nothing all right they're not that great at nuggets but they're nuggets but I'll do one first but they're similar stories they're both two gigs I did but they're both were insane gigs like couldn't have seen this coming wacko banana's gigs I'll try to try to fly through both of these I don't know how much time we got all right all right I'll knock this out we got time we got lots of time all right so the first one was on Saturday Jay Nugs

diner in Astoria outdoor show for the vehicles and they honk their horn and flash the lights if you're doing well you know it I'll be there Saturday this Saturday night we're sending you back to the future uh yeah bell-air diner this Saturday in Astoria I'll be there this week just in a few days by the way you got me uh you you you were right about this uh I got eight guys texting me going stop doing these gigs because all these queeps hit me up and go Norman did it Norman did it and then they go oh if he did it maybe I'll do it and then they hate themselves and then I know you're you're you're bringing down the value of comedy you're ruining the economy single-handedly there's this podcast I like Mark did this podcast I listened to it they're like

we had six listeners and three of them are my uncle but I did it well so you did the nog one so you did the diner I have listed it I'll do it so uh I go out there by the way I checked the forecast there's a cloud there's just a little sad analy gray cloud but it's not there's no driplets it's just a wet shitty fart but there's no drippings so I go all right we'll probably be okay I check I text Jay the guy running the show he goes it ain't gonna rain I promise I go all right great so so take the train out there get out there uh it's drizzling show is still being set up it's like 650 starts at seven drizzling that'll pass look at that the clouds are moving you know everybody gets all scientific see that rotation of the earth here we go uh god and and all on all this

and then right when the coast gets on the mic I mean torrential baby downpour and I go well I guess we got a call you know that's that he goes what are you kidding the shows they pay that the show's gotta happen they're all in their cars they don't give a shit that it's raining they just hit the wipers so yeah but what about the comedians the host didn't even show up because he goes it's canceled right he goes no it's on he goes I'm not coming out so we got no host not gonna host it's that he's calling he's calling he called theater he called fury get over here we got a show they go it's raining it's boring the old man is gay and it was horrible so like newman it was like the fucking postal service no rain or or bomb no shine so everybody's going up and you know it's a cordless

mic uh fucking nag has a zoom show zooming so he has a laptop facing the stage the laptop has an umbrella the comics did not it was fucking classic and so every comic's going up going this is it this is my life and I go up and the cars are honking hey Norbin all right lights lights and I have a little hello kitty umbrella I look like Ben Franklin out there I got a key with a rope and my opening line is I gotta start saying no and it's it it was like it encapsulates the whole thing you're right what am I doing I'm miserable I'm in the cold I look like a wet kitten yeah that gigs time I mean also that gig by the way is like 90 minutes away from you I walk down the street it's three blocks it's a good point were the people outside though because the people

outside are good there's people sitting under a tent thing the people outside saved it they were under a tent and they're the only laughter you hear because otherwise it's just a rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and a fucking uh a blinker and so thank god for those people those people saved the show yeah it could be it could be a tough one but hopefully they come out this Saturday to the gig but yeah it's tricky what'd you do did you ride the bike over there no I got this guy Eric with the with the big shoe what kind of name for a clown is Eric and he's uh been filming me do stuff he's like hey I listen to Tuesdays I'm a fan I see you film shit I'll film you and he came out from Philly on a bus and filmed it so we got it on tape so

I'll put that shit on YouTube it should be pretty humiliating oh fun that'll be great I mean that's all you need is as long as you get something out of it right right and and then here's the clinker the second show was was blue skies not a cloud up there and but between shows the the guy running the show put a tent up on the stage like oh I'm gonna put a tent up just in case but no tent for the first show so now we're under the the sun on a tent but yeah what you know to each is anal but uh you know we leave there we're soaking wet there was a it was an experience yeah it sounds like fun it's a good story I mean I'm sure the people were happy and I'm sure there was some fans there because fans come out to that we got fans in Queens yeah fans come out and I think fans

realize like oh comedians are fucking losers because they go hey you were on Rogan oh man I love the out to lunch oh baby Comedy Central Fallon the Seinfeld's talking about you then I cancel this you gotta go out there this you yeah I gotta go out there they go all right and they just go oh man what a fucking nerd yeah it's it's strange times but we're all navigating because for a while early on a bunch of comics were like I don't do zoom fuck zoom right and then after a while you're like all right I guess I'm doing zoom yeah and I don't really mind the zoom I'm doing Ray Ellen show Friday night Aruba Ray's zoom which is the second third one I've done I did one with Ray Romano I don't know if I talked about that on here you did not I would love to hear about it yeah I did a

Aruba Ray show he's friends with Romano so it was Aruba Ray and Ray Romano and uh it was interesting because the way Ray Ellen does it he does it good he has five comics doing like uh five sets of three minutes yes he doesn't kind of like uh impractical not impractical joke is what's the other show uh Hollywood Squares now the one we did stinks I love Lucy no Byron Allen the Byron Allen guess unleashed yeah so it's like that where he goes hey Mark your uh your mother's got huge tits right and then you talk about those and then he goes yo your mother has small tits or whatever I like it and he's got a ton of people watching which is great but I hate being on the whole time I'm like I was at a party and I was like I'm gonna go do this zoom real quick I'll be right back

then I'm like oh yeah this is this last two hours yeah well so the one I did with Romano I thought he was gonna do material and of course I'm like yes Ray Romano this is gonna be great you know you always have the the vision in your head of like I'm gonna do bits for Romano he's gonna be on the floor and he's gonna take me in his jet just to you know let me fuck you know kids or whatever sure he uh he didn't have material he just interviewed so Ray just interviewed him Ray it was a ray on ray interview for like an hour and 15 minutes and I ended up just watching the socks but I'm on camera every once in a while Romano would be like hey Joe you're got a beard and I was like what yo yeah yeah I got a I got a beard man it's crazy right and it was

super fun but my family watched they bought tickets and so they got to see me they got to see that Ray Romano knows me which is nice because you know I've been telling him that for years they're like okay sure right but um yeah it was a little it was a little weird so this one I think will just be more normal but uh Romano is just a hell of a guy what a great great guy nice guy sweet guy couldn't be nicer yeah and he was on there all day just taking questions it was fun wow yeah he's the man he's talking about just humbleness of comics that guy always was nice to me at the seller like he would sit and eat with you I mean he's so it's crazy like this guy's a millionaire he's on tv uh but you know he's just normal yeah sweet guy so I'll be on there Friday on zoom again I'm

doing the seller zoom show tomorrow night at 10 p.m uh that's a good one so check out some of these zoom shows you just sit in your living room and watch the show samarill is on and uh I don't know somebody else cipher sounds same lineup you got here I don't know I don't know Jackie fabulous is on she was not last I'm very similar lineup for sure all right I gotta get on that thing yeah I don't know what's going on with the lineups honestly but uh I don't know check it out check on the zoom seller zoom wednesday uh aruba ray zoom friday and belair diner on saturday jeez you're locked and loaded with with horrible gigs so here's the here's another clinker though the problem is we can't get out and and build new material really I mean you can but it's not

the same and it doesn't feel right and you can't get a real gauge but I'm at a show last night in jersey and all these people are like we saw out to lunch we're coming and I was like great and then they the show is it's it's a stress factory so the show is broken up into like different sets like Vinny goes up then I go up then another comic goes up then I go back up it's he's got a band and the band plays and I go up into another 10 so I'm mixing and matching material because you know you're just trying to put 10 minutes together over and over and uh I'm repeating shit for my special and I do a joke and one guy yells the punchline it was soul crushing I felt like my my the magic carpet was swept under me I was I felt like a fraud oh what an asshole

I know I know it was I mean he was a fan too that was the worst part he's like he's like letting me know he knows everything but oh man it killed me yeah it's weird because in music if you yell out the words you're like they love us but if in comedy you're like I'm a piece of shit yeah yeah that's what I thought I was a fucking nerd and and then they thought he was a genius because like damn this guy nailed it who's this wacko that's got a savant in the ground yeah that's tough I guess it's hard when fans they're trying to do something nice and and you're just like oh that was terribly hurtful yeah you know what it felt like it felt like I was trying to throw a surprise party for my buddy and we're walking up the sidewalk to go in and then this guy pops out

the window goes it's gonna be a surprise and you're like shut up you queef what are you doing to me you know what's the thing about last night we had uh veter came over to watch some hockey and I open the windows and put the fan on and suck just dick but um sure but he came over he's a little guy anyway so he's automatically six feet away because he's low he's right I waste but weird I was just started laughing really hard at the idea this is so silly might not be funny to anybody else but I thought of how funny would be the idea of throwing a surprise party for someone during COVID oh like I'm like come over to watch hockey and then we're like surprise and there's like 50 people in the house you know because we're supposed to be spreading out of course that's funny and and it

could be a fun surprise like you got it now right right we're all very sick but uh right that was another little taste of normalcy he came over we watched the hockey game we had some yucks a couple laughs and uh but it strangely makes you sad I've been sad thinking about it because I got to hang with Chris Allen I got to hang with veter and and Sean Joyce came by the Arlington draft house and we talked comedy and that was all masked the whole time because that green room in Arlington draft house is like three by four so you just gotta keep the mask on which is a pain in the ass but uh but it gives you these taste of like god it was so fun to just be like come over we'll watch the game and then everyone's 69s and god I miss it and I got some hope for this vaccine but

there's always the person that's like if the vaccine I can be able to distribute it and no one's going to take it and your mother's gay so party pooper who knows but I don't know hopefully it'll get back to normal ish because I'm starting to really miss the the fun I'm starting to miss the fun too it also not to be a a kook but it I feel like people need to get back to some life because I think everything is just going online and so much news and it's just so much drama and sadness and death like you can't consume that much without some reaction from it you know so I think people need to like get a get an excel spreadsheet going get back on the train call your mom like get back to your normal shit so you're occupied a little yeah and the economy my god the economy I don't

know what the hell's gonna happen but don't get me started on the icon but yeah uh here's my last clinker so this guy Moe hits me up Jewish fella and he goes hey I'm supposed to do this temple gig and I can't do it you're Jewish enough will you do it and I said sure once I got the Seinfeld nod I was welcomed by the Jews which is fun well that is fun yeah it's almost like uh you know Michael Jordan was like he's a good player or something you just kind of get put in with black people I guess or you know Dr. Dre's like Eminem's good he's one of us or whatever it is so didn't follow but I appreciate it you get it you know I'm saying I'm uh I'm I'm accepted by them oh I understand what you mean I just didn't get the Jordan thing who's he accepted by is he a Jew well he's I'm saying

basketball players like hey he's cool all right that sucked but Dr. Dre was better all right beat by Dre all right so so this lady uh this guy is like here call this lady she's gonna give you all the details call her no answer call her again no answer email no answer and I was like huh so then I finally just text her and she goes back oh sorry I've been slammed here's everything you need to know eight mile long text and it's just zingers on all the people like she wants me to roast them which is weird for Jews with the roasting but you get what I'm saying she wants me to just annihilate the whole kitten caboodle and she already wrote the jokes no no she just wrote like topics and subjects and ammo and dirt so I was like wow okay there's gonna be a lot of homework here

but uh we'll make it work and she's writing like these people are zillionaires even their their health or their uh maids have Range Rovers they all have tennis bracelets and diamonds and they're anorexic and it's like real housewives and all this and I was like oh my god what am I going into so I get Ariel Elias you know her yeah I love Ariel yeah good egg good comic so she's got a car and a big old Jew so I was like perfect we drive up to Monticello two hours up whatever it is great time driving up where I'm wearing a suit she's got on like a nice orthodox Jewy kinsigniera thing going on because they don't fuck around with the ladies up there they want you prim proper and wearing a wig sure so you know Ariel's driving she's giving me all these Jewish

words like shamoozle and shamozle and hazenpfeffer incorporated all this shit she's teaching me and she's like none of the men are gonna shake my hand just letting you know now and I was like oh wow shit this is this is a culture shock so we get up there we finally start entering a town and it's like a rundown town but everything's written in Hebrew and it's just like this weird Jewish town out in the middle of the woods and then we pull into this resort looking thing and it's like the rich people live in this resort out of this whole Jewish town and it's bungalow after bungalow after bungalow with giant swimming pools in the middle and playgrounds and we're driving through it and there's children's toys everywhere and mind you it's like 10 at night

because they can't fuck around until after sundown weird so there's like kids in long dresses and the boys are all dressed up in like little suits and everything like gowns and they're just playing outdoors at 10 at night in the woods it was so spooky god this is like a M night shama douche movie yeah exactly so it was cuckoo bananas and uh so i'm calling her i'm like hey i got bungalow 13 over here and i'm picturing like all these millionaire jews because of all the the dirt she gave me but they all look kind of i don't know like like hill people or whatever like these are these are like normal jews i thought they'd be loaded these are like you know curls and the yamaka and everything and she's like oh yeah i pull up to this bungalow i'm coming right out so i go okay

she goes come inside go to the basement whatever you want to do and we go in and there's like eight kids watching spongebob and they're like oh hey and we're like hey is uh your mom here and they're like she's in the shower sit down i was like all right so now we're sitting down with these kids it was it was bananas this is a fucking strangest gig i've ever heard strangest gig so she goes she comes out she's like hey she's got the wig on she's got the full garb all black and she's like we're gonna do the show out here uh we're gonna set up chairs and we'll be ready to go in 20 minutes so we're like great i was like she's gonna do 10 i'll do whatever and headline and i got all your stuff and i've never met this woman this is the first time we've spoken and she's like great

and she goes out sets up a floodlight an amp on a porch and these people just set up 30 chairs pizza boxes mountain dew and just a bunch of jewish people come out of the bungalows and swarm and just sit down and we do a show weird jews with pizza and mountain dew i mean this sounds like a a list family reunion not jews that's what i said and she gave me all this tennis bracelet range rover you know they all drive golf carts around the compound and i was like what was all this you know i'm showing her the phone like this is nothing and she's like no no that happens during the day you got to see it it's great they all the women compete and they they all have personal trainers and i'm like all right so i bomb all that bombs i do 10 minutes of all the dirt at all

bombs they didn't even know what the hell i was talking about and i was like all right i think she had a personal beef with one skank and just wrote down a list of shit about her i don't know what was going on well but it was all cook every now and then a little jewish kid would peek out and she'd go get back in there board a bird and he's like you know and uh so harry else on stage she's doing well and she knows the people and this jewish guy rabbi looking motherfucker just walks up to me and shoves something in my coat in my blazer in the side pocket and i look i i look down there it's just a huge wad of 20s huge they're all cash these people so uh i go up and i must have done i was supposed to do 40 45 i think i did 28 because it was so

all the dirt bombed everything bombed uh i got some stuff in here and there and then i got off like covered in sweat and i just walk over to ariel and she shows me the timer and she's like you did 28 i was like ah shit so i said thanks i took a slice of pizza and we hightailed out of there and ran over like eight razor scooters on the way out my god i mean that sounds insane was and was coven existing there did they care were they spread out they have masks on or do they have yamakas what were they doing not a mask in sight and ariel ariel's a big like uh coven nuts she her uncle died of coven and so she was like free she we wore a mask the whole ride up the whole ride back but it's like everywhere you go and they were like hey you want to wear a mask

feel free we'll we'll stay away from you and then 10 minutes in they're shaking hands they're high five in their butt fucking you know it's it's like everything i'm holding the kid in one arm and i'm i'm shaking him i'm burping him and then i'm wiping another kid's ass with the other hand you know it's like everything else that after 10 minutes it all flies away yeah it feels like people sort of think that you get coven in the first 15 minutes and you're like i don't know i'm not coughing yet i think we can fuck yes that that's exactly right it's all strange i the one joke i kind of rift in arlington was it's weird when you have to feel out how serious the other people taking it you're like i wear a mask inside but outside i don't care and then someone's like yeah

me too i went to a couple parties and one guy's like i have a kissing booth in my front lawn to you know it's slowly start you have to feel everyone out to see how much they care what they're thinking about right it sounds like they don't give a fuck up there no no they're all brooklyn jews and they go there every summer to just get away so in their minds they're like ah we're fine we're all family you know we all fuck and everything and so like we're good and i mean they i did a biden joke and they went bananas i think they're like trump jews and i mean they're all landlords so they probably want him to win i guess but holy hell it was a it was a such a culture shock i mean we pulled in there and as a guide in a suit dressed to the nines at like 10

at night in a suit walk around with a yamac on good looking jewish guy and i go excuse me uh where's the the bungalow and he goes bungalow and he just kept walking like you could tell he knew i wasn't supposed to be there and it's just it's just a crazy culture shock that kids and the gowns and the the rabbis and the pizza it was it was so crazy wow it sounds like a throwback but interesting experience definitely do that's the great thing about comedy is you know you're getting these weird mix ups but whoo it was uh it was an eye opener uh it really takes you to some uh strange places yeah yeah different cultures i mean this was i was a hundred percent in jewish land orthodox land i was hours away from home under the stars in the woods with orthodox jews it was

insane wow well yeah give give him my name for next year because uh that might be the best gig up that's the best gig i've heard of in a while i would do it again they were they were a nice people and uh very cop they shit on a lot of comics by the way that we know because they're like we have a guy every you know a couple weeks and this guy sucks that guy sucks he sucks i was like oh all right wow that sounds great so don't be saying that about me jews complaining that's weird well yeah i think we gotta wrap this son of a bitch up i mean we really went to a lot of places here we're in arlington we're in the jube place and uh oh tell them about the patreon what's what's the word oh the patreon was forgot where we're about to cross the threshold of 3000 people

which we promised you would make an audio track for strangers on the butt what's it called again strangers by the lake and um we're gonna do it we just need nine more people to join the patreon so go join the patreon let's hit that 3000 and we gotta figure out how we're gonna do it we're gonna mark and i gonna watch strangers by the lake somehow we're gonna fuck during it or something i don't know we're gonna create an audio tracks you can watch it with us talking during it and uh that's a huge milestone for us 3000 patrons although we got about 75 000 listeners so it's a pretty small percentage quite frankly true it's a pretty good listener yeah but uh get on that patreon join that patreon put us over the uh over the top and uh we'll get we'll get you a nice gay

porn audio track that'll be fun for you yes yes i can't wait to see it i can't wait to give you a hand job through a bucket of popcorn and uh i i want to see some gay sex yeah me too i mean i always want to see gay sex i'd like to see it up close and uh with a with a family member if possible but um and uh go check out the special i want to say thanks to everybody i mean every single tuesday has reached out it feels like i'm trying to get back to everybody but it's hard it's been overwhelming i've gotten i mean thousands of messages and people uh venmos and pay pals and emails and at the time of this recording it's at like 380 000 views in uh four days i guess which is pretty insane and uh most of that's tuesday is watching it and rewatching it

and spreading the word everybody's tweeting it so please keep doing that and and thank you i feel like just george bailey all day every day yes it's been insane thanks for everyone that was in the chat i was so afraid to do the chat but it was 100 fans it was like unbelievable i love it i love it thank god and can i give a shout out first of all the special is great it looks so good it's so crisp and the colors and you look great you got the sexy jacket on you almost looked handsome for a second appreciate it i gotta give a shout out to jason cats who uh put a lot of it together and really killed it so uh kudos the whole thing is a is top notch it's a barn burner not only does it look great the jokes are great and it's a perfect time to put it out so uh mazeltov i mean you nailed it

yeah he directed it and uh my manager and agent produced it liz liz at the cellar produced it i mean it was just unbelievable so exciting quite a thrill uh i haven't heard from my folks but uh really a great great uh great time great experience and um come to come to bellair diner on saturday oh there you go there you go all right folks we'll see in hell good stuff tell a friend spread the chicks and praise our love