Tuesdays with Stories! - #363 Bottom Rahm-En

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

We're pod'ing once again Tuesgays as Mark has a misunderstanding with multiple street side waiters and Joe is almost tragically struck by lightning. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native (nativedeo.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy a help here we are folks it's twos gay good to see you there fatty how are you I'm I'm okay you know I got one issue and the people the patreon members

who get the video a week early yes which is a big thing I know a lot of people watch they get the podcast via YouTube oh yeah YouTube's number one they say now so for those of you who are on the page and get that a week early you'll see I got an issue with my head the spikes over here uh-huh it's not supposed to be spiky over here looks to 80s you see the spikes on the diagonal spikes it's a little 80s but what do you want over there it's all it's all got a spike evenly yeah like corona it should be more of a swoop than a spike ah well it's got a spike to swoop it'll swoop

eventually yeah I think I got to keep growing but right now I'm all spike and I never knew this I got I remember get my haircut I got the Russian Jews cut my hair they really are kicking ass in the haircut game oh they're great they're number one it used to be I guess it was always they used to be Armenian or Italian you know as a cool Italian guy like in Seinfeld and then now it's the Russians that guy just died by the way Enzo the barber oh really Enzo the baker oh it's this Enzo the baker from godfather and Enzo the the the barber from Seinfeld ah well you went you went lower in volume all of a sudden I did

yeah what the fuck happened uh-oh can you hear me now you're good what the hell happened it went it dipped Enzo is low oh but only for you the fans should still hear me normal cuz I got the zoom shouldn't have said anything but you can hear me now I can hear you now Verizon well it might be cuz the mic I like to block my horrid teeth with the microphone visually ah so maybe the microphone is blocking the audio from the computer is that possible maybe maybe but it was a dip it's back now all right so a brief dip but we're back better than a bean dip which I never got whoever likes bean dip you're a you're a

minority yeah what is that yet so you're dipping into beans yeah it's a bean kind of a paste they make and you dip into it look if you want to throw some queso in there with the bean all right but just the bean kill yourself yeah I don't like beans I remember when I first started going to Chipotle I got the beans cuz I thought you had to have beans right they were like black or brown they didn't say black brown or no beans so you know me I'm a nervous fella although less nervous now than then I just went give me the black yeah I wanted to be PC and I didn't enjoy I didn't enjoy the beans then and it took me like you know 300 burritos

before I found the way and hey can I get no beans and they were like of course we don't give a shit yeah they probably like they're saving saving product well they don't care they're getting 12 bucks an hour whatever that's true that's true but yeah I used to be a pinto man I was a pinto man for 5,000 burritos and all of a sudden I said these pitos they take over the whole thing it's like they gentrify it it's it it it ruins the neighborhood and so now I go black black beans matter interesting I don't understand I don't want to get controversial and weird here but I really this is something I genuinely

don't understand and no offense to you I don't know if you're the guy to be asking bring it on I like it but I know gentrification is evil I understand bad that's bad gentrification bad as I've been told I get it but doesn't it feel and I'm just asking I don't know this I'm just questioning don't cancel me don't fuck me in the ass with the wooden spoon but doesn't it seem like strangely race similar to what went on in the 60s with like busting if you're like hey don't you move in here this is our neighborhood right you get out of here this is us we were here first and it's ours get out of here cuz you're

gonna ruin the neighborhood if you come yeah similar to like busing wow this is a whole big can of jizz because this goes back to like black owned business or like those black movies but we were only black people on the set all the crew has got to be black so you're like well it's kind of that woke is so woke it's racist thing where you're like well isn't that segregation aren't you saying that this should all it's only supposed to be one group what about Asians what about Hispanics you know so I agree with you when I agree don't say I'm asking a question oh sorry I hear you I hear you there tubs but I think it's all very

kooky because you know you always you're like we don't want these people in our neighborhood you're like yeah but this neighborhood used to be Italian but then you came in so now it's yours and then eventually the Jews are gonna come in then they the eastern Indians and then the Choctaw and then the Hootsu and the Tootsies right so I I do understand the idea shit Shelby's calling us here so I get a little nervous you respond to Shelby maybe cuz we have a little confusion Shelby was over there we had a different thing I don't want to leave him hang I don't want him to start a different thing he can join this thing

I'll just tell him we'll send him the zoom and he's off the hook I already sent it to him so he can jump in and oh great so he should have the leg just let him know we sent him a link we got started got it this is this is good pod I think but I understand I think I understand I understand why gentrification is bad because you price out whoever was in the neighborhood whether it be black folks or Dominicans or Hispanics whatever you come in and you fancy up the neighborhood and you price them out and then the landlord spikes the rent and kicks them out so I do understand the issue there it becomes a racial thing

which it shouldn't because gentrification just means the richer guy comes in and changes everything but it gets all racially squiggly cuz you know races tent like the honkeys tend or the Jews or whoever tend to be more financially stable right so I guess I I understand it but it's confusing yes yes well it's nuance there it's complex much like everything else and nobody wants to talk about that it's just black and white no anal intended right so so Shelby's in here now Shelby is we doing okay because we just did the video on our own I'll just I can send it to you is that alright I guess he can't

communicate I don't know what happens here all right oh here comes he's in he's in oh Shelby's like oh no let's keep going the people want to hear from you but he's there he's not picking up on this because we got we don't know what's happening Shelby's saying things but the people can't hear only we can hear damn well he's like the parents in Muppet babies you can't hear him so Shelby's can I just send you this video and then will you can you piece it together okay all right we'll just continue on if that works okay all right good enthusiasm Shelby where the hell were you anyway he's muted but anyway so I do get it but

it is it's tricky and nuance and sometimes it's it's some of the stuff is hard to understand I agree I agree I mean I thought we were all trying to coexist and live together and down with hate you know the more we sit down with hate the more we find a group to hate like I hate Republicans I hate police I hate that they're like what happened all about love yes it's very tricky but tricky dickie it's straight but anyways I didn't mean to go hot and heavy though I don't know what maybe think of that but you know I get it I get it everybody wants they they want it their way and then when you're like yeah okay well I want it my way

then they go yeah but that's infringing on me and I'm like well yeah but you're infringing on it so it's just I think everybody's a selfish chuch and nobody wants to bend but they want everyone else to bend yeah it's all tricky dicks like I keep hearing people be like we got to suspend all the rents and the mortgages which is nice but then you're like my landlord is a florist he owns the one building with four units and if we don't pay our rent he's gonna be in trouble yeah yeah I guess his rent would be suspended too maybe I think he makes his dough on the on the rent I would imagine so and he's a he's a hell of a

nice guy this is a he's not Donald Trump type he's like a nice Greek fellow with you know ripped jeans going I don't know I have a building right sounds like a good egg I like him ripped jeans oh what is he from the 80s or they they're old we're in tear I think I see I see well anyways what do we do I took us in a weird direction this isn't us who are we crazy I don't know I like I feel weird it feels like we're on you know Tucker Carlson over here mad money remember mad money no oh that bald guy with the tie was going oh you gotta buy a Microsoft you faggot so whatever he said oh is that the Louis CK looking guy yeah a

little bit little bit does the one guy looks like kind of like Louis I see when like when I used to search Louis name on Twitter half the tweets were photos of the money guy being like hey Louis on money or whatever well his whole thing is he had all these horns like he ha ha and he was like it was like a radio disc jockey guy like whoa I can't believe you lost all that Facebook stock you fucking come guzzler haha and he would get all close to the camera that was back when you could just be outlandish and be eccentric and you get a TV show yeah I guess not anymore well this now that's all everybody's doing

that it's all online I don't know but let me run this one by you there sloppy jalopy because I can't figure this one out this is a curb moment here and I need your input so this is all about perception and and and reality is out the window now so I'm walking down the sidewalk and as a big restaurant row all these restaurants around the sidewalk the chairs the tables and I'm kind of in my phone I'm in my own world that's on me and I noticed oh I look up and I'm walking through the chairs like you know through the restaurant I guess on the sidewalk and so the waiter's like hey but I'm like oh shit sorry you know so I

get back out away from the chairs now I'm on the public sidewalk and I'm about a foot or two feet away from the sandwich board you know that thing that says like tonight on sale we have a escargo and then Daniel or whatever it is sure yeah so I'm about a foot away and a big gust of wind comes and knocks it over I didn't touch it but I was a foot away so now the waiter goes geez you walked through the restaurant you do should now you're knocking over our sign I go I didn't touch it but I'm on my hands and knees picking this thing up I'm shining it off with my shirt you know blowing on it trying to get the the AIDS off of it

and he's yelling at me but I never touched it I've done that before I've had similar incidents not that but you know where you're walking through the home depot parking lot and the car goes off and you're walking by and I'm going hey I'm just going to buy a couple 2x4s to pretend I'm hacksaw Jim Duggan it went off I didn't touch it yes so I've been in a similar spot but I do understand where you're coming from you got to pick it up because it seems like it yes but it just shows that this guy a hundred percent thinks I did that and he if he was on a lie detector if he was in court and then they said here you hear

you your honor he would be telling the truth because that's what he thought well that's a little I would I would take away from that that part I would disagree with he wouldn't be telling the truth because the truth is you didn't that's true but we start going if you believe it it's true I mean now we're into you know I don't want to name names but that's how we got into this mess we're in here good point good point but he I think he would pass a lie detector yes okay so pass a lie detector I probably would because he believes it yes sure but you can believe something's true and have it be wrong like the flat

earth or you know gays whatever it is women are funny yeah whatever it is yeah but it's interesting how if you believe it that's it and he in his mind's like why wouldn't I believe it you walk through you're already a piece of garbage walking through our restaurant and then you probably got mad about me yelling at you so why wouldn't you knock it over I mean what bad luck though that you're acting cuckoo and then the wind swoops in that's a bad wind swoop a bad swoop and it just shows that you know it's kind of a microcosm or whatever you want to say a little metaphor for the whole country right now because somebody like

covid's not real then some idiots are like hey the Jews are ruining our economy and then you know cops or whatever you know but who knows if they're right or wrong but they're going with it yeah it's I mean it's up and down and over and out I don't know who to believe what to believe you know they say you got to go to alternative news sources and yet this news is bad MSNBC is bad and Fox News is bad and NBC is bad and CNN's bad and your mother's cunt smells and so I go and read everything I'm reading like cuckoo Q and on I'm reading NBC I'm watching this I go and I read Dave Smith's tweets I'm looking at Tim Dylan's tweets and I look

over here and over there up my ass and then I look at just what I'm seeing out my window yeah and it's all wild everyone uses the same the sources when they don't when it fits their thing and they don't use the sources when it doesn't like one guy I saw one guy claiming everything's bullshit and he's using the CDC's numbers aha but I'm like well so now you use the CDC wouldn't they be bullshit if you're saying everything's bullshit I don't know what the fuck it's true it's the sandwich board all over again I saw a thing with Fauci where some guy was like so our protests are they causing covid and he

was like well I don't know you know and he's like well he said we can't go to church or funerals or parties why wouldn't a protest he's like well you know and then the news on one side says reporter destroys Fauci burned him to the ground and then what the other the other side says Fauci fail you know just reporter fail Fauci crushed him yeah right and people don't watch the videos to make up their own thing but yeah it seems to me that outdoors is fine I mean outdoors I'm over here I blew three guys in the woods the other day it's outside so it doesn't I'm not gay and I mean I just think we should be able to go to a

ballgame all of a sudden but now they got this this isn't even our podcast this should be a bonus that we're getting too kooky here yeah it's cuckoo bananas over here but now I read they have the spit test they have the test where you spit on it like it's a cock and it tells you eight minutes later if you have it they should be mass producing these fucking things they cost five bucks they can be sticking it up our ass for 12 and that way we could go to the ballgame sit outside the park hawk a loogie on it wait five minutes and they go you're good to go get in there and have a hot dog and a beer I love it that's a great

idea and and you know I don't want to speak out of jizz but I I missed a big couple of gigs cuz the guy was like I you've been traveling I don't know what you got and then I got tested but the results took three weeks these three week test our friend James Heskey who's one of the funniest guys in the world if you don't follow follow him on Twitter and Instagram folks funny guy but he had a funny way he's like he tweeted the other day he's like great news guys I did not have COVID on July 15th it was like he tweeted on like August 12th joke I guess if you saw the dates it would be a funnier joke but but anyways I

mean I don't know but there was some good news today today being Monday the New York Times said we're a lot closer to herd immunity than we thought did you see that oh I did not amber herd what happened oh I had Sarah hold my ankles in the air and I came in my own mouth and my glasses so what is it your birthday almost I don't really now yours is coming up all that's right yeah boy 37 how old is that so I'm a I'm a geezer yeah well you haven't caught me yet all right probably never will that we'll see all right so what is eventually you will if I die

that's true you know wow wouldn't that be something a silent reattacked um feels like most reese are quite noisy actually seems like but Rihanna wait wait what's the good news oh so anyways it says we're closer to herd immunity but I mean who knows what the fuck that goes back to what we're talking about it's the Times so all the people that are anti New York Times should be like that's bullshit that's a lie but anyways the New York Times released a thing today saying originally they thought would have to have a 75 to 80 percent of people exposed to get herd immunity but now they think it

might be 45 to 55 percent of people and in cities like New York we may have already reached that which may be why we haven't had a spike or an uptick in in fucking three months that makes sense I mean I don't want to jizz on my own asshole but I think I have herd immune I think I'm good to go I think I might do I mean I had quite a cough back in the day and we obviously in America were ignoring the shit for weeks while it was ravaging everywhere so we were going to shows we're at the cellar the basement the airplanes so most likely we were exposed back in March I mean we were all over the place kissing our parents and

shit yeah yeah yeah I fucked my mom and I think I had it still I really think I got it and got over it yeah so we might be we might be better we might be okay soon all right hey finally some great news I read this article today was so depressing I'll send it to you is it's called uh is New York dead hell yeah blow me or something it was a horrible title and it was just I read the whole thing and it's just like yeah yeah it's not coming back and he listed all the reasons why it's gone and not coming back he's like it's gone before we had 9 11 we had a recession we had Wall Street we had this but it's never coming back

well here's the thing with that first of all as we know as we've talked about I'm sorry we'll get to the Tuesday shit in a moment we're throwing in some anal jokes though yeah I quit with all at all it's all been said before you know forward to New York drop dead back in the day and and all that shit and we know that that's what sells that's capitalism this is why we're in such fucking turmoil yeah bad sells if you go to New York is gonna burn down in 2022 whoo click click click everybody pass it around but also everyone's talking about as an uptick in crime which is obviously true and it's happening it's weird a guy

was shot at Grand Central but we were at a 30 year low of violence so we're up ticking from a low spot it's not 1977 out here I mean crime has been plummeting in the city for decades oh yeah now it's up ticking but I think I think it'll be okay I hope but his argument was that we got all these skyscrapers everybody goes yeah but the financial capital of America's in New York City you got the stock exchange you got Wall Street you got this and that but he's like it's all zoom now so we don't even need the building so now you can just do that shit from Nashville that's a good point I think I heard that too now don't get me

wrong my counter argument here it's coming from a you know a retard I'm like a hockey fanatic comedian I don't know what the fuck I'm just trying to look at a positive spin here but I heard the same thing we got all we got crazy real estate and no one wants to use it and everyone's going why would we go back to the office right I mean I feel that way now and I understand people want us to do in person we'll go back to some in person here but there is something to the fact that I'm like when this podcast ends I close my computer and I could take a shit on the bed yeah I'm not in Greenwich Village I don't

have to get on a train to a train to a train so even in our profession I'm doing these zoom shows I love it I eat my dick and just close my computer I get it I love I love eating dick and closing computers but it's funny did a call back to Johnny Depp he he was apparently reported that he shit on his own bed you hear that now I didn't hear but he doesn't seem like he's doing well that guy no he seems a little sloppy and speaking of which Poppy died by the way and zoan poppy and zoan poppy who's next Kramer he says well he died on stage but yeah I don't know it's it's it's scary I just hope it comes back I just got

this new apartment and here's the clinker I don't think they're gonna lower the rent well that eventually have to rent I mean Vita we think we might have talked about this before I know I say that a lot yada yada but Vita said in order for I think we have the same water bottle how about that I said yeah it's good for reflux this is all I ever drink is that right that's what a doctor told me and then I fucking bought it and that's all I do now it's all it's all water it's all the same it's tap water but I guess there has to be enough vacancies for the prices to come down so all the time you see a moving truck that's good news to

me oh interesting but here's the here's the juice juice here's the weird stuff if if you signed a lease they got you it's not gonna go down to that lease is up right that's a good point I got a long lease to same it's it's a weird times and by the way Chris Allen hung with him had a nice cigar I think I talked about that already maybe I can't remember but yeah had a nice cigar hung with him good hang good guy you know he's not fat anymore which is really disappointing I forgot that he actually was fat at one point is he still black yeah yeah oh yeah damn can't win them all but but so he showed me we were talking real estate and just

blah blah blah ring and he sent me a photo of his home and what he pays for his mortgage appalling I'm moving I'm gonna move up there I mean I'm gonna be Chris Allen's neighbor he's he's tolerable I'll move out there wow I mean he lives in Charlottesville or whatever the hell it is I probably shouldn't have said that but he lives out in Virginia you really want to live in the middle of the hell like that I mean have you seen his house he's got one of those the what do you call the porch a wrap-around porch with little white fucking picket things his yard is the size of Central Park and he pays like three and a quarter

for his mortgage it's insane oh wow driveway the works I mean he's out there I mean he's got 48 guns because he's got bears and you know white people in his area tiki torches but I mean it's a hell of a home I could save like 1500 bucks a month and have like a 12 bedroom house I know then you could just you're right by DC you got a hub you can fly all over the country do gigs I know I have to you know live near Chris Allen but other than that it's pretty great yeah yeah and his son his son is a little so you'd have to babysit probably but yeah that seems seems nice but I like New York but then again if New York's nothing's open

what's the difference right but here's the thing this is what I realized it's like my hometown by Bruce Springsteen which is you know my favorite you know you guys you guys know how I feel but there's a great part of the end of the song where he says you know last night me and Kay we laid in bed talking about getting out packing up heading the south and then he goes up 35 I got a boy he says he takes him around he says take a good look around this is your hometown meaning you know they sit there they chat what if we went here what if we went there but ultimately you're like ah we got a life we chose a life we're here

what are we talking about we're not going anywhere all right I hope you're hoping I'll leave I don't be stuck here alone paying eight million dollars a month and getting bugged in the subway well it's fun to imagine that you do all my god if we lived here if we lived here I'm like we got an apartment we decorate it we got the office downstairs and I live here I'm a New Yorker been here for 13 years yeah same same I love it I love my new apartment and I love all the comedy clubs I love the other New York comics I love seeing them I love sitting in a cafe I love going out to eat I like the whole kitten caboo and then

you got Brooklyn you got Queens you got so much oh yeah it's the best and not to mention now I got I got a car I'm going out to Jones Beach tomorrow morning and you got the the US Open coming to town every once in a while once a year and then the other thing is when a band goes on tour you know they're hitting New York you got that right you live in Richmond you go oh I guess we got to go to DC right right yeah no band is skipping New York and then if you want to do the DC improv which is the big club there I guess you got about three clubs you got Arlington you got DC and then you got the draft house that's pretty good

actually that's not bad but it's something to something to think about someday whatever bullshit but you know who knows the thing is nobody knows the future it's all guesswork even if they work at Vanity Fair the New York Times they're just guessing they don't know what the fuck yep yep yep yep I hope it comes back that's all I can say and I think it will but what the hell do I know I don't know anything about the economy real estate or children no I don't understand nothing either but one thing I do understand is in these times you tend to get a little sweaty it's hot it's humid it's summer look what he's

got folks if for the folks not watching Mark is holding a cup of or what do you call it a scoop of native deodorant was that a tube yeah what is it deodorant canister maybe tube a roll-on what the hell is it a deodorant cube cartridge to he's got a cartridge of deodorant folks hey anyways it's native deodorant Mark and I love it they sent us it to a they sent it to us a while back and I just started buying it I buy it cuz I love it they sent it to me I used it I love it Sarah loves it it's all natural it's also vegan by the way it's never been tested on animals either this is some first-class stuff native is made from natural

ingredients there are things you've actually heard of like coconut oil shea butter and tapioca starch did you know that the aluminum and deodorant can actually plug in your sweat glands to keep you from sweating that's why native never uses ingredients like aluminum parabens sulfates or talc Tom Dustin years ago we thought he had cancer because he was using some you know whatever deodorant and he got that he got that filled his pour in he had a big lump really you yeah from using that aluminum crap so switching to an aluminum free deodorant doesn't mean you have to sacrifice on odor protection by the way

native will keep you smelling fresh all day long mark you got it in your hand tell him about it I love this though this is cucumber and mint it's subtle but it's fresh this is how strong this shit is me and the lady use it we use the same roll we'll just put it on and it's strong enough for my pubes and good enough for her armpit hair so I love it strong enough for a man made for a douche do what I did make the switch to native today by going to native do.com native deo.com slash Tuesdays or use promo code Tuesdays at checkout to get 20% off your first order that's native deo.com slash Tuesdays or use promo code Tuesdays at

checkout for 20% off your first order get native today nicely done well that was I mean a crazy first half I feel like we got to get sillier in the second half here I mean we've been really dissecting and divulging we're trying to learn yes yeah I just want to know but it feels it's scary to ask questions you know you get the it ain't my job to tell you what's what like all right sorry Jesus Christ well now I figured it all out nowadays you can be a bad person for asking I know which is that's very unhealthy we'll get nowhere you isolate some audio and go wait doesn't it seem weird that if you say this you say that

they go look at this fucking guy this chute over here is you know alt right I'm like wait what I'm not even alt so here's a clinker I was walking doing my daily walk around the village and I bump into none other than Ram Ram Ram Ram Doss CD Ram romcom he's the Indian guy who owns that restaurant in the village who jipped me on the goddamn bill oh Ram yes oh I thought he meant a guy that I know in my regular life rom no no no Romulus this guy I walk by I got the he's good very good I love him I do too that guy that's Chicago right yeah yeah he's he's good on his feet that kid he's missing a finger I believe a piece of a

finger or is that the other guy I forget the two guys what he get it caught in a pooper how do you lose a finger there's a Ram a manual and then the other Obama guy that's the attorney general Eric Holder which one's missing the finger I think it's wrong oh Rama Eric Holder I don't know what are they're both nice guys and one of them's missing half a finger like Garcia ah Colin Jerry was who Jerry he's missing a finger too on his playing hand he's got like a what do you call that the stinker shocker the pooper yeah oh he's missing his ring finger a piece of one in the pink to a stink or whatever it is so I go I'm

walking by now I got I got sunglasses on a hat and a pair of panties on my face you know it's COVID and he goes whoa hey where you been I go I've actually moved a few blocks away and he's like oh we never see around here anymore he goes tomorrow it's a Saturday he goes tomorrow coming for brunch it's on me oh boy and I go is that right and he goes I swear to God it's on me I'm not gonna be here tomorrow but I'll put a note oh come on so I go all right all right maybe I will how do you like that I'll put a note huh okay the note never works by the way you put a note sticky whatever it is and nobody gets a note the message of the

bottle here's the thing with a note you got to write four notes I want one on the on the wood and the podium I want one in the bar I want one in my asshole and put one in the bathroom and then stick one on the menu yes and you know what give me a note as well so I can keep it on my wallet and I'll throw it at the waiter when the time is right so I go you sure it's on you and he goes it's on me baby and I was like he must have heard the app because he was hammering it he was hammered at home this was all I got this and I go all right all right I'd even go back really screw up I'm not fall for that again full now it's just in my

ass fool me twice I'm gay now did you walk by to get a sense to feel it out or anything no no no no I walked by like five in the afternoon it was already dinner time but part of me wants to go in there and go hey you got any notes for me but I'm not falling for that one again come on I think the note question is a good idea go in there and say hey are there any notes left by old wrong yeah because you got to think a restaurant it's nothing but notes it's hair today specials 86 this eight million receipts they put the receipts in that little needle it's all notes yeah I don't trust that guy ramen noodle there I don't

like his style I don't like his notes yes top ramen a little bottom problem yeah I don't like it for you good for you you get your own damn you can make I'd rather make my own suit yeah exactly so I had eggs and eggs and avocado but yeah screw that guy and you're not you're not pulling the wool over this cook stick well good for you and how about this this is a quick quick little you know baby penis here but the other day of Nirvana I went for I went for a run I go running every every other morning now because I'm old in my body hurts from running which is makes me sad but that's not good I got to run every other day now it's a whole

bad for you they say it's horrible for the joints it's bad on the bones and the the noggin especially the the sidewalk it's all cement here I got no track near me or anything everyone smile go to the park but anyway so I'm running and you know you get the feeling that it's gonna rain it's drizzly there's rain in the forecast it's gray the whole thing so I go for a run and the park is there's a little park a few blocks away from me here in Astoria down by the river and Matt Foley so I run down there I go I don't run too far I'll stay nearby cuz I can tell it's gonna rain any moment so I'm about two miles in it

starts spitting so I got the spit going and I'm starting to get nervous that it's gonna be a downpour you don't want the skies to open up I got my phone on me I got my cash I got my air buds in or my Ray cons in yes and I don't want it to get too crazy so I finish up the run but I want to get the whole run in I finish the run now I'm going to lots of bagels to get my morning bagel my Starbucks it's all routine and as I'm getting to Starbucks about a block away just that ah sky opens up which I never understand what that means it doesn't actually open up just no no it stays dark it's not a labia but whatever it

just starts torrentially pouring that yes so I run into Starbucks I'm just soaking wet and they're all like is it raining I'm like yeah it's fucking raining you fucking son of a bitch and now it's raining oh my girl's a squirt or what do you think in the old days you would go in and you just go alright I'll just wait it out in Starbucks I'll be wet but there's they kick you out there's no fucking around anymore right so I get my tea and I'm like alright I got to go outside so I go and for a minute I'm standing under the the awning but then you're just like well how long am I gonna be here for the storm is too long I'm

already wet so I'm like fucking I'll just go for it so I go to lots of bagels I go in there I get my bagel my banana my cinnamon roll they put it in the brown paper bag I walk out of there I stand in the awning I'm like I'm just going for it I live about oh two blocks but it's like a cross blocks you know okay so it's long like like the avenues in Manhattan right so it's probably I don't know a quarter mile or something like that and it is just torrentially down pouring so I'm jogging I got a hot tea in this hand with the little green sword but it's still spitting up there so I'm getting little hot spikes like little little

spits of boiling water on my thumb hot spit I hate it my thumbs boiling I got the paper bag I'm carrying like a football but it's just deteriorating it's a paper bag right right so it's coming apart so I got a squee I got a banana squeezed under my elbow I got a cinnamon roll in this hand and a bag let's just getting wet direct rain on my whole wheat ah and I'm running and trying to hold all of them I'm soaked and my phones in my pocket that's bouncing around my shorts are soaked so the phones getting wet you don't want a wet phone that's a whole situation hate a wet phone so then I get to wrap wet as phone I'll take it

so we we get out I'm across the avenue 30 I don't want to say where exactly where I live but I'm on a 30th this avenue and I get the red light so I'm like all right oh and this car's whizzing by so I'm like I'll wait under this dry cleaning awning until the light changes and right when I'm laying there I've never been a guy that's afraid of lightning it's exciting it's cool I'm sitting there and it just goes the loudest thing I've ever heard it had to have struck the lightning or whatever like six feet from me and the whole sky lit up it hurt my eyeballs like it flashed like wow like rear window it just was like it sent like

flash ballies and I went what I jumped like scraggie or scrappy whatever the fucking asshole is not scooby who's the dude the joint guy Casey Casey Sammy Sosa what's his name oh he has the beard scratch well the scrappy do that's the cousin the small dog yeah shit what's his name Casey casem plays them yeah yeah no shaggy shaggy I was like shaggy I went whoo and my my feet went like and I just shot across the street I mean I was scared yeah it was like I'm gonna get hit cuz I'm a conductor I'm tall I got I'm tall I got a socks hat with a little the little metal cap thing on the top yes you're an antenna so I was

nervous I was like ducking like I was running under a helicopter because I want to be the highest conductor or whatever right right to chew and I ran over and then you got the keys you always fuck up the keys always fuck up the kids like a horror movie you drop it once then the banana falls and then you got to pick up the banana then you got to get the key and you can't get the right one going it was wild but I got I finally got in and I dumped all the wet bananas and the cinnamon rolls and the thing but then it was fun cuz Sarah's always in bed she sleeps in I came in and I think I might have been sexy for

like a second hmm because I come in I'm soaking wet and it's thunder and lightning it's dark and gloomy and I had to peel the shirt off which I think is appealing okay had to pull the shirt off and she had like one eye open she's like who is it is it is someone here and I was just soaked all the way through the boats I got fully butt naked I mean my dick was you know the size of a you know like my nephew's thumb because it was cold but sure it was it was missing like a manual but yeah I don't know it was fun and I was wet and then I just jumped in bed wet and nude and it was pretty exciting but I was pretty frightened for

like a split second I get it I mean first a couple things one don't you kind of want a ton of sympathy when you come in from the rain you want everybody to go oh my god he got caught in you so let me help you out there here's a towel here's a hairdryer yeah I have that problem I mean it's all ego you always want the proper reaction to everything where she sits up and she's like but it's bad out there I'm like that that's where I was right I was out there that's what I'm saying exactly also the other thing how crazy must it have been in like the 1400s or the 1300s when you really thought that was God or that was Zeus

or Allah whoever it is and you're on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic you know with with the with the scurvy and the worms and the the native Americans out there shooting you the pirates and you see a lightning bolt you're just like oh man we're fucked God hates us oh completely I mean all that stuff that there's so much to be this is like a more serious ish note there's so much to be down about worried about the COVID the business but so much to be grateful for that we have some answers to all this stuff that you're saying I mean even a sneeze back in the year 48 someone just goes well they must have been like

fucking burn this fucking maniac what's wrong with this guy of course I mean they even thought it was spirits leaving your body that's what they say God bless you because they're saying like hey you got rid of that dumb spirit you idiot now you can hang out with us yeah it's it's crazy and lightning hitting your hut and all that shit and so yeah yeah the whole thing is cuckoo and then you have to go well it's a week we didn't catch any deer today because that's God's will and they go yeah I guess it's God's will you know there must have been one guy gone fuck that I'm gonna find a deer yeah that's a good question of how many atheists were

there were back then yes I think there's a few because I've been watching this Manson documentary and they keep showing the hippies and they keep showing Manson being like alright so there's gonna be a pit and once we get into that pit God will come speak to me and then I'll tell you guys they're all like oh yeah alright great but you wonder did they buy this are they really believing are they that stupid well those people I were drugged and like I think victims of you know a mental abuse or something but also I think he picked up all the people that were all fucked up from home you know that's how they all capitalized

right yeah yeah they always see so charming he was smiley and cute I mean I don't know how charming could you be the guy was 5-1 he's got the googly eyes he's got a swastika on his asshole like I don't know I don't buy it I don't know we love Vita true true he's these little yeah he's got a swastika on his asshole too but we're between you and me that's true but we're not you know you got to have a target but we're not following him into the the abyss now it's a good point I mean I don't even I don't even see him that much but exactly it came over the other day it was quite pleasant alright he's very he's very soft-spoken

which I like if you know what's great about Vita is if he's in the middle of a sentence and somebody cuts him off he just goes with it he never goes hey I was speaking oh yeah no he's a he's a real pushover but I'll tell you he's all jacked up now he's got his head shaved he's ripped up he's he's nothing to be trifle with this Gary Vita no I saw a photo of him I had to close my computer it was too intense he's that head is beaming with whiteness I know he's really he's really come into his own and he's a dad I think or whatever oh yeah I think he's a dad no whatever he's a father and he's got a little kid and

they're the same size yeah I was supposed to meet the kid but change of heart I guess or plans you want to give him the herd immune I feel like you don't give it to him now it's like chicken pox give him corona oh if I had a baby I'd cough right in his face oh yeah totally I'd finger it but here's the thing about what's going on in the world now the stand I don't know if I'm supposed to say this they've been doing shows and they're pretty good and I did one the other day and it was such a good hang was like Soder and Shane Gillis and Jessica Kirsten and Rachel Feinstein and all these people were hanging out and we're

having a good time and I'm talking to Ian Lara and they go Mark Norman and I just ran on stage which you know we used to do that all the time you just run up there you're ready in these COVID days I was not ready I bombed and it was that old-fashioned bomb of like I started with the wrong thing I dug a hole I couldn't get out of it then my brain went blank I was sweating oh man it was ugly like you could see a lot of audience members going like oh boy this is bad like that whole thing covering their face and everybody was uncomfortable I was uncomfortable whoa boy talk about bummed out after that yeah I feel you and I

hear you you're being you're being seen and heard right now Mark I just did the bell the Bel Air show that you did the week before Jnog and similarly and there was I forgot I plugged it hard on Tuesdays with stories I just forgot yeah we kept talking about it so all these gays showed up and I was going I was quote headlining I was going last and you know you haven't seen anyone since you know November so I can't I just got home for the first time in seven months so I was blowing him and Carmen Lynch was there and you know we love her so you know I was eating her out and then Derek Gaines is there and he fucking murdered

and so I was you know kissing him on the lips and yeah all of a sudden same thing they go hey you're up pal and I'm the headlock they're like the headliner tonight and then I walk out there and I recognize the Tuesdays because they're so loyal they come out and a killer spesh out the new hour cooking I know so I went up there and I had nothing I mean luckily a guy in a delivery guy in a scooter just drove straight into the stage so I made a couple cracks about that and that killed but the material just ate a bag of cheese I just stunk it up and at one point I just kicked over the mic stand to be funny you know you

just like do weird shit and it was just bad news bears and I felt like I disappointed fans people came up they're like hey we're huge Tuesdays and same as you I started my left shoe was on the right foot and the right right on the left shoe and it was it was a piss poor performance and I know you're feeling it we're all feeling you you write a joke and then you try it and you go I'm gonna make some adjustments yes nine days when I do another set exactly and you can't adjust you can't tweak and every shot is your big shot this you got to blow your wad on every show because you don't know when the next one's gonna be but also

you have a show this was this was in front of cars I feel like you got to give yourself a little slack Jack that's true but you know when you're a performer of any kind or any any kind of job even you know that you're like there's plenty of reasons that it could have been bad but I'm like but I know I didn't I didn't prepare I didn't have it sorted out totally totally we're so used to as doing sets every night or multiple sets a night that you can just go you're up oh great okay yeah now now I'm like I got to sit down at a desk and have a type writer and a calculator before I can go on same same and you know you go like I

I forgot how to do stand-up it was what it was it was such a jarring bomb that I forgot what the art of stand-up was and then after it's over you forgot I forgot how bad it hurts to bomb like that feeling of like oh I suck I blew it that I had this planned out all day I was gonna go there and do this and that and it all went to hell and just that the feeling of letting people down the feeling of like not doing as much as you could the feeling of like people in the audience going this guy sucks who's this guy and all that combined is a just a real bummer factory yeah especially with the specials out and I'm getting you

know blown over here I'm so grateful I appreciate but it's emails Instagram's tweets oh it's great you're great yeah my god this is hilarious and then you have that ego thing when you're on stage especially at a parking lot in Queens and there's like three tables of like like you said you could tell the audience is like this guy sucks yes and you're like no look at the comments but what that's one of the beauties of stand-up it's why it's such so lunch is that it keeps you real you know you can get blown all day on Twitter and Instagram you get the Venmo's the messages but you still got to cook when you're up there

you still got a tap dance a little you can't just you can't just let it ride because I used to always talk to Alan our therapist and I'd be like I did this radio show I couldn't think of anything funny I flailed I bombed I panicked and he was like why do you do that I'm like you get in your own head you start you know the the neurosis starts eating away at you and he goes yeah but you're a funny guy so just be you and I'm like I get that but it ain't that simple there Jew face it's sometimes there's a wallop yeah so sometimes yeah it's like be you but you're like but I'm not funny all the time right you know I mean I'm at the

movie theater I'm not being funny so I'm being me I'm sitting there watching the movie thinking about how we're all gonna die someday and that's not very funny that's a good point I wish I had thought of that then I was just no you don't get it you're not a comic you don't know what it's like you can't just think of something all the time he's like but you're funny so just be you be funny I was like ah you're you're crazy yeah that's like being like you're a therapist so while you're taking a shit you know help me out with my problems that's not perfect yeah why'd I get dittled you know while you're wiping your ass you know

call my dad but yeah so that that was a real wake-up call like alright this is even though it's a pandemic even though people are sitting on the fucking sidewalk in the bike lane you still gotta you still gotta you know go over your shit a little bit yeah I gotta write some jokes well how about this by the way I haven't had a dental issue in a while on the show we haven't had to go but so way back in January I had another root canal and then they give you they do the root canal then they give you a temporary crown while they make a new crown which is the final goes on your tooth and that's your thing so I had the

temporary back in March and then he you know what do you call it they do a mold to find your tooth and then they make the crown and then he was like okay so next week we'll we'll put it in we'll stick it up your ass and glue it in I go great I'll see you next week boop COVID happens they do the shutdown I call him on the phone I'm shaking I'm like I got a temporary we talked about it way back then a couple Tuesdays emailed and said hey don't worry the temporary will last years don't sweat it so I go great so then finally it's open I go let me go get rid of this temporary get a

permanent so I go in there to the dentist and I go all right you got that thing still and you're always a little nervous that they're gonna lose it because like seven months have passed right right so I go in there and I thought it was gonna be easy peasy Japanesey I lay down and you can't you can't spit because of COVID no you can't rinse at the dentist so they got to use the sucky thing for everything okay so instead of spitting it usually you rinse and you spit in the sink I guess that'll cause COVID which is ridiculous so instead they just stick the sucky thing and vacuum your mouth the whole time I hate the

sucky thing it's very it's sucky it is so close your mouth you feel like gonna die exactly so then and it doesn't it never gets all of it it's like it's a mop it never gets everything yeah now I'm like swallow enlistry I'm gonna relapse because this piece of shit and these dumb COVID rules yep he's not a piece of shit he's a good guy but I just hate the COVID rules is my point anyways he sticks the the crown on there I'm about to leave they go let's just do an x-ray make sure it fits doesn't fit no fit he's like see this tiny little space I don't see the point that I do this bit in my act I point at the x-ray

he's like you I'm like I don't know what a fucking x-ray I don't give a shit it doesn't fit so I gotta go back he's like you're gonna have to we're gonna have to anesthetize you again we're gonna have to remeasure the whole thing for a third time ah what the fuck is this brutal so how do you gonna do that I mean when are you gonna go I gotta go Thursday now they got a num me all up stick needles in my mouth stick needles in my gums remeasure the thing and it's the third time and I'm like well how do I know this is gonna work this time you're right I feel like he should pay for that one like that should be a freebie if he

fucked up that ain't on you oh yeah you know I don't pay because it's still the same service but I gotta go in there and get all numbed up and it's unfortunate it's nobody's fault yeah yeah it's probably the the factory or whoever the fuck's making these molds I guess yeah you broke the mold but you know seven months later you think you're gonna pop it in it sucks and how about this this is a little weird kind of faux pie I think so I've had the temporary on there and it's the end of the day it was like a five o'clock appointment and the guy's assistant this other dentist I never even met he's like I'm gonna I pop

off temporary he leans down to pop off the temporary and it clicks off and I just get a whiff of like shit like it smells like horse shit and I was like Jesus I was like is it infected is something wrong because I'm a panicky guy the guy's like no nothing wrong it looks good and I was like but why does it stink like that and he's like I don't smell it maybe maybe bacteria and I was like bacteria in my tooth oh my god and then a couple minutes later the same guy leans down to do something I realize it's his breath oh I got a whiff of the assistant's breath it smelled like the inside of mr. Ed's asshole I mean

horrific and I thought I thought I had you know cancer of the tooth or something because it smelled so rotten but he just happened to exhale just as the thing popped off so I thought we revealed some eternal stench yes his face what is that when I was a kid my dentist had the worst breath on the planet it's a it's an oxy anal these guys should be brushing and flossing like this little morrow I mean it's like a porn star can't get it up it doesn't add up it's a couple steals well he needed oxy clean because this is some horseship but I think maybe because it was end of the day and they have the mask on all day now so it's

you're breathing in your own shit and bacteria or whatever but I felt bad too because I'm like that guy might know that I smelled his breath because he's right I don't know maybe it's your bacteria yeah for a moment I was like dude shoot me in the face if that's what my tooth smells like well is he an Indian fella I don't know what he was because he has the mask and then he had the fucking terminal the shield oh yeah the double the double face thing I see I wow I went through that I mean it came right through right up my nose and down my ass all and out and Jesus that's an epidemic or whatever the hell a

pandemic or a breathemic whatever it is that it's like a cliche that these dentists have horrible breath yeah it was it was bad news bears but I mean I was so relieved once I realized once I got a second and a third whiff I was like I know what's going on here but for a good six minutes I thought the inside of my tooth smelled like you know a village with no water right right oh man that is wild also crazy to think all we talk about is gotta wear a mask gotta cover the face gotta you know close your mouth don't don't breathe on people and this guy is in your mouth exact opposite of what we're supposed to be doing right

and then I can't spit listerine into a sink but they can stick their hands in my mouth I mean right I'm no COVID conspiracy theorist I think it's a serious problem but there's a lot of weird shit and by the way what's going on with the ventilator I mean I haven't heard the word ventilator in six months I had the same thought ventilators are out we're just queefing freely I don't know I feel like we were making them like it was like World War two we're making dive bombers you know just like everybody's gonna chip in and make a ventilator out of toothpaste and you know lipstick and now we don't even talk

about them yeah which by the way I'm talking about the media I'm not talking about obviously there's still ventilators we're using ventilators I'm not dismissing the illness I just think the media has just gone they've moved on to you know whatever the fuck but I digress yeah I don't hear about a hand-washing I hear about Purell I feel like a lot of things have just kind of come and go on on my face oh I stopped washing my hands but same we gotta wrap it up I gotta give a shout-out to everybody that has Venmo'd PayPal'd emailed one guy from Australia sent $500 which is just insane sir ridiculous I

gave some of it to the Nature Conservancy because I thought you know his country's on fire and I'm like this is oh yeah those were better days that's over too yeah who gives a fuck about them yeah yeah you had your moment the sun thank you to everyone that's retweeted the fucking done an insta story so many insta stories and I haven't been able to even write back to everybody I'm trying to write back but there's just so many and I had no idea how adored and loved we were it really means a lot and so many of its Tuesdays I mean the fact that after it finished airing like 10 minutes later had like 25,000 views and

that's all Tuesdays yes so and and the the comments are all check out Mark Norman and Tuesdays with stories and yada yada so I feel overwhelmingly grateful and I just appreciate it thank you all yeah can't we got such a good base like not only our fans loyal and they would they listen and watch everything we do they also have information like you go I got a popcorn Colonel stuck at my dick hole and they go oh I gotta do is get a magnet and two pieces of duct tape and you're good to go you're like hey thanks and I will add we have good fan nice fans yes some of these places you know Stavros we did we both did his show

whatever reason the the likes to dislikes is even they have people they have like trolls yeah yeah they're crazy and they hate him even they like they'll be like I fucking hate Stavros and they're on all the pods I'm like what you do it and then you listen into it you hate it yeah we got we got no troll well minimum minimal trolls and you know I think we scared off a lot of the the alt writer I mean the alt left people we scared off then the second episode yeah right people we chased off so we got a good group of like really nice thoughtful people and God God bless you I feel like George Bailey I appreciate it yeah we

love all you and they're such a good base like they just like funny stuff and if you put out a funny special they will jump on it and they will share it and they will spread the word and spread the cheeks yeah by the way about 75 Tuesdays like love Tuesdays never seen Joe do stand up that's so bizarre to me that people just listen to the show and don't think to watch us do comedy yeah but that's why these YouTube's are so great because it's so damn accessible you can just pop that thing right open and send a link off to your dad your grandpa and everybody gets to see it yeah so then they see the special then they go to the

pod or they go to the pod then see the special so it helps itself yeah so keep doing that keep spreading the word thank you kindly thank you dearly and yeah that's all I got I don't really have any shows well check out the patreon as well and we I got a big oh I'm in a Utah this weekend but Salt Lake City but check out the patreon we got a ton of bonus stuff a lot of funny guests I got a big guess on the hook but he's he's you know he's so busy he's kind of flaky with the text so he said he's in he said he wants to do it we're just trying to find a date and I think he's a he's a get you know I'm talking about yeah yeah I thought there

was more coming but yeah we got Tim Dylan on there and you get the video a week early and soon I want to address this too we're gonna do the strangers by the lake it's gonna be a couple weeks so hang tight my schedule is insane I got to go to West Texas with my in-laws and we got to record two episodes this week and I've done I didn't I didn't get to talk about I did a 22 radio shows in like three hours last week broadcast yeah so it's a it's a crazy media time but we'll get it to you ASAP it's happening don't worry it's gonna happen we're gonna go gay we're gonna be by the lake and she always got some ideas on how to film the

whole thing we'll make it work all right all right you guys the best thank you thank you praise our love blow your mom and we'll see you in hell Georgia say cut it you