Tuesdays with Stories! - #364 Russian Peels

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

Got a new ep ready for you kooks as Joe goes swimming before committing a major parking blunder while Mark deals with some Russian handymen and an interesting heckler in the park. Check it out!  Sponsored by: TalkSpace (talkspace.com code: tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing ha hey folks here we are back at it Tuesdays express to do

the chute you that was tough where do you suppose is pulling out all the stops comes from what's that about well I'm I pull out usually and I have a pullout couch but I think it's a train thing maybe pull them out pulling the stops oh we're pulling out all the stops to get there the best way possible yes that makes sense because train certainly makes sense right we're gonna pull out all the stops we're not stopping for nothing we're making it but you're talking no big I love colloquial isms I love expressions I always wonder where they came from and I'd say 88%

are nautical well that could be but you don't think of stopping as much no the nautical so this might be train the train to Georgia or train to nowhere anywhere yeah midnight train run a train train wreck gonna midnight there's a lot of train songs well trains are big and they're romantic and they're mystical you get on a train you got your own cubby yeah yeah do anal you get the cart guy you get the breakfast yeah there's a lot of train took the midnight train going anywhere right and the train stuck on you taking that midnight train to nowhere or some shitties or something like that don't

forget the Jews going off to the camps big train thing and Thomas the tank engine and riding the rails yeah the oriental radio railroad the you know express the orient express and then the stranger on a train and then girl on a train you can't be neutral on a moving train is a Howard Zinn book that Pearl Jam stuck in their ass they that was a lyric interesting that's a that's a fun when I like that one yeah yeah this training day that's a movie yeah yeah you're right there's a lot of train stuff and Darjeeling limited is on a train and what is it that is a hitchcock on a train north by northwest I think that's airplane ish but that's

well the strangers on a train is Hitchcock okay okay that's it and there's this that snow piercer shit that I couldn't get into oh I thought that was good yeah I just could yeah they're all on a train I didn't get it that's the Korean cat huck fuck boo or boo yeah boom on who I just the whole things on a train I tried watching it it was okay it's fine whatever but um it's all about class right right it's a little I'm like okay we got it um but um I like the metaphor of the train you get on it's everyone's hopes and dreams going west Fival goes west back in the future three all that shit yeah I just watched there's

also Pelham one two three that's subway but I watched what about the train tracks that the guy would tie the girl to that was fun that was a good time yeah that was a good time they they were all worried about misogyny now and ladies first and times up but I mean ladies you were getting tied to train tracks back then I think about that all the time not to mention he watched an old movie from the 40s the women just faint randomly no no one's fainting now plus they did the back and forth slap yes like they really slapped the shit out of them so right we certainly made progress in some of these departments I mean tied to a

train is that's tough yeah it was always a guy with a long twirly mustache and he would go he and there was a lot of that back in the day of like I'm gonna kill you but it's gonna be slow and I'm gonna give someone the chance to rescue you you know they could have just shot her in the head but he's all you know he's always got to tie her up and leave and then the train's gonna come in you know it's coming in 20 minutes it was always a weird way to kill somebody just shoot them well Austin Powers did a fantastic spoofing of that which right you know I think we've talked about this before I know whatever but that that's a that's a

hell of a picture that first Austin Powers brilliant movie brilliant comedy I saw it in the theater in 1997 I was in love with it Mike Myers was on a roll baby Wayne's world and Austin Powers and the other one and then he just went cuckoo yeah I guess you people go cuckoo out there in Hollywood and I don't know what happens that's why I think it's important to really unplug unbuckle you know unbelievable whatever throw some uns in there you know sure uncut on undone underwear yeah by the way uncut gems upon reviewing second viewing I was like this stinks really well I enjoyed things about it the first time

but I tried to watch it a second time and I was like let me fast forward to this I gotta get through this part and by the end I was like yeah oh yeah you gotta skip some parts in there what it's not great it's quite frustrating it's a little annoying and it's just too much it's a lot but I think that's the point it's all about building tension and he's Jewish and everybody hates him and they're the basketball player and it's all about tension and ticking time bomb feel yeah the thing is I'm not rooting for anyone in the film you're not rooting for Sandler now he's horrible he's a piece of shit he's a fucking

garbage person yeah that's true I guess so and then it's all squirrely well we're wacky look at this it's all weird and then there's that filter the overfilter thing and yeah yeah it's just it's not pleasurable no pleasure not pleasurable but that that ending was a real twist the room I like the ending I that's what I did I skipped all the way to that scene where he lets about and they shoot him in the face that part was pretty fun what a spoiler alert folks it came out you know in Christmas so that's nine months so did I that was an old joke of mine I said a spider-man came out on DVD I knew he was gay that was

a bit of a and then I updated it for Harry Potter and then I think I did you know Forrest Gump or backdraft or something it works with anything well the person the name is a person right right remember that was a big deal like my friend had a joke about Batman and the movie came and went but it went out and then came out on DVD and he's like jokes back yeah that's fun and I'm especially when it's a series every every two years pop that thing back out if you got a fast and the furious joke you're set for life my friend Jack Lynch had a joke that made me laugh hard where he would say he was playing the Batman

video his friend was playing the Batman video game and he calls him up and he says it's a stupid joke but it's funny he calls his friend and his friend says I gotta call you back I'm beating the penguin he goes he goes what'd you answer the phone for that's great it's really silly but you know good stuff but it's just so funny that he's that's how he said it he does no context no backstab the penguin that's cold what a funny way to talk to a friend yeah some good stuff man there was some great jokes with my early days in Boston of guy of course like the Mike McDonald the Mike Donovan's Tony V's Kevin Knox Don

Gavin my sister's ass my father's twat but there was some comics that no one really ever heard like people haven't heard of those guys but they're in comedy you've heard of those guys right then there's these guys that even the people that are in comedy haven't really heard of they had some gems wow yeah there was some there was guy John David had some really funny jokes where he goes you know they officially changed the name from Kentucky fried chicken to KFC that's the new official name like they're gonna fool us like anyone's driving around going KFC hey new place I thought that was that's a good catch good

observation nobody I never heard that angle that's done get bombed I hate myself well you know it's by the way anytime I tell someone else's joke it always bombs and I go well this kills in a room full of a thousand people so somebody's off yep possibly me but delivery but it's probably them they probably they suck yeah yeah that's it's a bad setting but I just found this out the other day the two guys I did stand up with first at time ever drove in a car with them three hours to do five minutes set they're both dead wow yeah little uncut gems twist on you they both did overdoses Jesus New Orleans was

wild man it was a whole different bag of jizz back then wow yeah I mean we got some dead people but it's more just age you know stuff stuff starts people start to die I guess yeah cancer kicks in and hit by a car all that shit ate a bad plum and in the root may root whatever it is but yeah this was a heroin isn't it so weird to think I always think about this that this could be our last moments like you could be three days from death or a half hour from death and then you're like you have no idea that I'm like oh boy I fucked my dad I came in his fucking face and then that's one of the last sentences I ever say in life because I

leave and I get by a train that's true and and you never hear those sentences it's always like Lewis Carroll or Oscar Wilde said the wallpaper is gay or whatever it is and you're like man how do you have a quick perfect zinger right on the deathbed maybe we should write something just for when the the lights go out yeah so we signal just go say it and I'm like I like tits and then you know you die exactly you know a quiff and Heimer or whatever it is something that'll look cool on up on a gravestone well Kevin Knox the great Boston comedian who's passed on there's a wonderful story but he had been dying

from cancer and he was on his his deathbed and he said he was getting sleepy and they watched the Patriots game it was like Monday night football and half time he was like getting sleepy and they're like he wants to turn the game down and I said sure yeah I'm getting sleepy and he had a big smile on his face and the guy said boy it's nice to see a smile and he said well I like to smile went to sleep and that was it last words I like to smile those are good those are good last words good words short succinct positive I like it yeah so maybe was Sunday night it might have been Sunday night football I believe it

was the that's a whole other thing but it was a famous game Patriots cults the Patriots lost they went for it on fourth down it was a whole thing and it was like a double double tragedy because they lost this big game and then the next day we got the news and we were all sad and we all fucked in the ass yeah yeah well here's some here's some new good news is I feel like we spend less time in hospitals when I was younger I was in the hospital all the time whether it was me my dad my aunt to my my my dick whatever it is I'm one time my dad had some crazy surgery on his throat or something and it was pretty life-threatening and the surgery

went great we went and visited him he's all laid up he's got the gown on he's got tubes coming out of his asshole and his nips are bleeding and he had this light on his finger and it was all taped up I don't know what that was like a pulse or something but he could barely yeah it was like ET and he could barely move and I'm standing there next to him going oh dad what happened you suck you pussy or whatever and he just goes ET and touches me and I was like whoa how cool is my dad even in the middle of this tragedy this horrific moment where he's laid up naked he still does a joke I feel terrible I stepped on your dad's

bit I didn't know yeah yeah you ruined it he's dead now so that was all ahead of him well he's a hack I mean he could have come up with something better well he's he's brain is bush he's on drugs yeah he could have spun it he could have been like you know he couldn't what if he touched your dick and said PP ET alright alright PP ET that's anything either there fatty but I'm just taking swings here I feel bad you know what it is I feel bad that I stepped on his thing and I tried to I tried to swing it and make it seem like he's stunk I stink I ruined the story well I'll stick nobody's thinks as bad as a KFC to buy the

way by the way I think your old man might have been eating some snatch throat throat ah surgery he might have been out there you know cleaning house in the French Quarter before you were born little Michael Douglas action I get it yeah yeah remember he got he got a little that from Catherine Zeta oh you better believe I know about it I haven't I haven't smooched a pussy since Michael Douglas went down oh really I think that's a that's a great way to go you know how would you die eating box no everything anything cancer precautions I'm putting sunblock on I haven't eaten pussy I'm trying to really really avoid the

cancer all right yeah yeah yeah it's not it's not good what do you say the hot sauce caffeine peppermint and tomatoes yeah something like that but then you know what's his toes doctor not Steve not Phil not who's the other guy Doc the guy in LA we did a show Dr. Oz no Drew Dr. Drew Drew Dr. Drew said he's like reflux ain't shit all right made me think like all right I'm fine so I yesterday had a nice double cheeseburger with a little bit of ketchup and got kooky all right yeah he also said corona wasn't shit that's true yeah so what can you do by the way I had a I had a nice day yesterday can I can I stick to the

essence see if you come put in my dick hole and see if it twists well Jack twist so we decided to go back to the beach by the way I just had a great idea I was all pumped I had my finger on the dial and then remember you're in Salt Lake City ah because I had this idea I went to the beach a few weeks ago we talked about it and I'm sitting there at the beach once I bought the car I go to the beach I love the ocean I'm a spiritual fucking douche and I thought if you just if I wake up at 730 in the morning leave at 8 whatever quarter of 8 I can be at the beach at 845 spend two hours swimming head back and they still have a

bit of work day be back by one o'clock oh yeah so yesterday we decided to do that and it was fun we had so much fun they were like we should do this again and I was like but it's hard early in the morning to get somebody cuz then you rely on the person they're not there the subway sucks and you go you son of a bitch and I thought to myself well you showed interest in going to the beach you and your lady who yeah only met twice but we thought hey she could come that you guys come and I thought hey they live far away to avoid the morning problem we have a whole apartment set up downstairs so I think you guys you come

out we have a little dinner we you know we fucking the ass whatever it is you go downstairs you christen the bed down there you guys can jizz all over our blankets we got some cameras set up I'll bring a tarp like I come down there knock on the door at 730 we're out to the beach I love it let's do it got all excited but you're in Salt Lake City but you know maybe maybe next time or next week and then we go to West Texas and we're gonna get corona so we got a whatever the fuck but that could be something I love it I mean it's a pan damn we got all the time in the anal let's let's smooch and go gay I'm into

it or you could just stay at your house and come out at 730 the morning but I'm a stickler I'm a real stickler yeah so once you have that thing we're on the bridge in the traffic and I am I want to be I've always dreamed of being one of those well you missed it we're leaving guys oh I would love to be that guy kill me that guy my friend Derek who you know his he's got a story about his friend that he went to school with he pulled that shit with like 14 people at six flags oh left his whole family like 13 people behind he took like a seven-year-old kid that was awake and the rest of them didn't get to go he's like sorry well to

make a wish kid got to go but no I like that because these people need to learn you know and they always get mad at you my friend used to pull this shit all the time he'd be like alright just give me like five minutes and I was like five minutes like five minutes is all I need and I would count to five minutes and I would leave and he was like what'd you go I'm like you said five minutes because he would always five minutes meant two hours but he would say five minutes so I got mad so I would just leave eventually all right sorry folks we ran into some testicle difficulties here yeah yeah let me ask you that we're talking about the

via Hickel let me throw this one at you there this matzabal and see if you like it in your soup you know I wanted to ask you this but I'm nervous because it could get ugly and this is where friends become this when friends become annoying where do you stand oh god you're not gonna like it and be honest with me fatty I want you to keep it real where do you stand on I'm scared to ask lending out the car that's a tough one that's a tough one because as discussed in previous episodes I mean this isn't my dead uncle's vehicle here this is a this is a hot off the press used vehicle sure sure I get it's a pre-owned certified

but look I got a hog down here with with my name on it and a cover on it and Giz on it and I had a guy at a comedy club go hey let me take it for a spin I said get the fuck out of dodge dick list this is this is all I got is my prize possession I'm not letting you turn this thing over or drop it or whatever and he was pretty sour and I said I wonder where Joe stands on the old rental yeah that's tough depends on who it is and in the old days I've had some real beaters some shit cars and I was always drunk so I would be lending this thing out willy-nilly hey you drive take the keys take the car drive but now you get

older and it's a big responsibility and if someone it fucks it up then you forever resent them one of my older cars I had Fred Cantor Jason Cantor's dad borrowed it went to the track aha and then he came back I was like something's clicking in there something sounds weird and I was like clicking I don't know and then I got in the thing and it was like bang bang bang it was like fucking you know when Kramer takes Jerry's car to the grocery store right and it's hard not to resent him for that of course of course and it's I'm sure it's not as fall he knows how to drive he's 62 years old it has a nice cock but still you're

like what the fuck yeah yeah now why now why when you use it it wasn't broken before then you I mean he must hit a hot pot hole or something something I don't know or maybe he you know here or whoever you owed money to at the track fucking you cut his carburetor or whatever it is but right yeah it's a little bit I don't know I've changed a little bit on this of older I'm mature I'm a douche but not big into the bar in the car particularly because you know I spent quite a chunk on this thing sure so willy-nilly I mean if you want to stay at my house come over my house you know fuck in front of my my family photographs

and come on the lamp shade I can do that and yeah and sniff my wife's panties but driving my car it's a pretty sweet deal but let me throw this at you because if I had a as Nissan Sentra 2019 or whatever is it a 19 18 18 sorry didn't mean to bring that up but if I had a 2018 I would say here would be my role I'd say nothing past Jersey and if you use it you have to fill the tank completely yeah that's I mean that's fine it's not the it's tricky like it's kind of like we've talked about before with food where someone's like hey can I get a bite of your thing and I'm like well this is my I'll buy you the thing like I would

rather someone was like I need a car and fucking fuck me I'd be like well I'll rent you a car right right here's a couple hundred bucks you rent a car from them you drive that something happens you know whatever yeah but it's tough it depends on the situation if your father dies of throat cancer and you know the flights are all shut down and you got to get home to see your old dying dad yeah old snatch eating papa yeah but I don't know alright I figured I'm not asking I just wanted to know where you stood because you know gigs are popping up one-nighters and I gotta tell you I did a gig with a gal recently and she drove

and opened for me and we had a great time but you ever see people who drive towards potholes I'm like I saw that thing a mile away why didn't you swerve or bob and weave or cut left it just like there it is a fucking sinkhole I'm like that's gonna ruin your tranny yeah they don't they don't they don't they get nervous about moving or swaying because someone could be coming or something yeah yeah speaking of trannies so you know a bunch of people message me saying centra's the transmission suck your father's dumb he hates you whatever so I looked up how to keep your transmission whatever and they said you got to warm

it up you gotta let it warm up really let it warm up whatever interesting so this is part of a much bigger story if I can get into it hey lay it on me so yesterday we drove to the beach we went early and I don't you love when you dream it and then you do it it's rare but it's a beauty because I sat before I was like I could get up early just go to the beach for a couple hours get back do my work so that's what I did I got sour up out of bed we woke up at 7 I went for my run I meditated got her out of bed we drove to Jones Beach and we beat everybody there there's like 14 people on the water and all kinds of

sharks by the way oh yeah it's scary times out there holy hell well the animals are getting cocky you know because everything's clean again well I think also this climate change you get in the water in Long Island it's 80 degrees right wow very strange so we go in there we swim have a great time and as soon as the night before I'm reading about the sharks and I'm like we're gonna get eaten by sharks what the fuck what if this is our last night on earth and then once you get there you don't give a shit anymore hmm like I'm like I'm going in the water I don't give a fuck if there's a shark does a shark I mean I'm doing

handstands and jumping the waves the ocean just I turn into a different person out there yes you do it heals it heals it's so natural it's it's it's you came out of there at one point it melts away I feel silly I feel spiritual I just want to be in there for the day I can't get out yeah so we're in there swimming it's a great time and then we've talked about this before of course but as soon as I get out I'm like that's it I'm ready to go same sitting on the beach does nothing for me agreed we could do it in a parking lot we've covered this so we leave we come back and for whatever reason I have in my

head it's Wednesday now when you have the car it's all street cleaning here in New York you have it on Wednesday from 9 to 11 Friday on fucking whatever so in my head I'm like okay it's Wednesday the street cleaning ends at one so I'll swoop right in get an easy spot won't have to move it for a week oh that's whatever reason I got this all in my head it's Wednesday so I we get there like 120 and the whole Wednesday side is full already how could this be how did they all get their cars back so quickly yes to the parking spots so then I see a spot but I'm like that's a Friday I'm holding out for a Wednesday so I

don't have to move it again drive past the spot I see another spot that's a Thursday I need the Wednesday yep finally I find a Wednesday I I park it in there I'm a hell of a parallel Parker I put it in there this morning I realize yesterday was Tuesday I had the wrong day in my head isn't that crazy that's the biggest but I've done this shit before don't you hate when you have the wrong day it fucks you up everyone thinks you're stupid they love what are you drunk you what are you doing yes and so now today I go for a run I realize this I'm like I gotta move the car because it's gonna be a street cleaning so I go I

get in the car and now I'm like I'm a fucking idiot I had I drove past all the good parking spots I get in the car I got the the the transmission thing in my head I'm like I gotta make sure to let it warm up so I'm letting it warm up it starts raining we all remember I got stuck in the rain last week now it's raining I'm sitting in the car letting it warm up so the transmission doesn't fall out and then a car slowly cruises by me and he's driving so slow that I'm like he's looking for spots yeah I gotta I gotta get on here he parks 50 feet up diagonally across the street there's an open spot it's a Tuesday Tuesday was

yesterday he gets the primo spot and because I was worried about my transmission warm up bullshit I watch him park and he's walking out with his big smile he's like I can't believe it I got this spot and I should have been my spot that was your spot Fanny that is the worst oh you tried to play by the rules and it fucked you I fucked up and so then I had to go eccentric circles outward looking for the spot finally find a spot by the time I'm done pouring rain I'm like Qsac I had to jog home in the rain again just like last week yeah and then this the spot I got I had to move again at one

o'clock because now it actually is Wednesday so the street cleaning when it ends you move into that spot you have to move it for a week so eventually I got the spot but I had the wrong day and I had the transmission it got me all fucked up and cookie isn't that interesting you tried to play by the rules you tried to be a good boy and you you got you know no good deed goes unqueefed yep but what can you do that's a bitch I totally get it I had a I had a weird thing I got to bring up so I'm hemorrhaging money here with these apartments I got this palace and then I'm still trying to rent my other plays

horrible time to try to rent an apartment and my real estate guy calls me every day is like we had three people see it there's no stove they there's no sunlight they hate you they senior act they think you suck all this shit I'm like Jesus Christ so we bought a stove we had to get a new stove we got a stainless steel Maserati you know propane high octane anal whatever and you know then you got to get the guys to put it in now we got these two Russian queeps who come in there they got no sleeves and mustaches and chains on the gold chains they're scary they barely speak English I got huge calves and so

then he she got we got the stove in and then he calls me goes all right we got a lawyer guy he wants it but you got a fucking fridge full of stickers I love putting stickers on my fridge you get all from Portland or Seattle or Denver or you know comedy scenes all over I just I get them on the road I put them on my fridge my fruit was covered that's those are for magnets you get magnets on a fridge stickers on a car magnets on a fridge I got it wrong I got magnets all of my car so I guess so he called me goes he hates the man he hates the fridge stickers you got to peel them off that there's got to be 7,000 stickers on

there and I go that's gonna take me four days he goes well get on it you want to sell his apartment or not I was like so I go over there today I got a bag a tea tree oil a baby oil I got a hairdryer I got a scraper I got a shimmy a shammy a sham wow wigwam a rag all this shit and goo gone goo off goof off all this chemical shit to like get the the smudge off and I get over there and the Russians are still in there and what they they had to fix something they they put the stove in but they didn't hook it up so they were hooking it up so they got all kinds of tools and stuff and I open the door and you know me I got you

know Billy Joel on the blower I got sunglasses on and then they go oh and I go oh geez and they thought I was robbing the joint and I had the mask on and everything and they go oh stove working on stove and I was like okay let me know when you're done cuz I want to get these stickers off the fridge and they go fridge fridge I go yeah I gotta get those stickers off they go stickers stick up what but I go that's so I call the realtor guy and I go hey these guys are still there he goes we'll just wait for them to be done they should be done any minute then you can go in and I go all right great so I take a couple laps

around the block I go back in you're not gonna believe what I see all right let me try to guess I want to say they're Russian so I'm gonna say they're they're giving haircuts in the living room or maybe they're kissing interesting those are my two guesses haircuts are kissing those are good those are good I go in they're both on their knees okay peeling the stickers off the fridge whoa oh so they thought you were telling them to you know peel exactly so I call the guy back I'm like you're not gonna believe this these guys are on their hands and knees peeling Kermit the frog stickers off a refrigerator and he goes what and I

go like they barely speak at least they must have interpreted it that way like I'm the boss man this is my apartment and you got to clean those stickers you fucking num nuts and your Ruskies and I go in and I go good job fellows keep it up I left that the fridge looks wow that must be very appealing how about that Russian peels I mean yeah banana peel keep your eyes peeled it was a sight for sore anal and I couldn't believe it and it was just you know you have that dread I got the bag of chemicals the scraper like this is gonna be a good hour and a half of me just and it was just done by these guys wow Keen peel oh that is that

is that's great good for you and good for them and you know communism not so bad it was kind of like communism you know they they did it and you were the ruler or something I was yeah yeah you were what Gorbachev or Lenin or Stalin or whoever the fuck oh Karl Marx Marx Norman there you go there you go Marx brothers there you go we got an ad yeah we got a couple I want to I want to get to here let me just pull that up oh okay so what did you say you wanted to do first feels Tuesdays with stories brought to you by feels CBD do you experience stress have anxiety or chronic pain or have trouble sleeping at

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space dot com or download the app and use code Tuesdays to get $100 off your first month that's Tuesdays and talk space dot com hundred bucks I mean that's no joke that's huge yeah go go do that and enjoy it yes here here queer queer good good stuff we I find I see a pattern with us you know a lot of anxiety a lot of help a lot of calming your brain down let it chill it out yeah chill it out max it out whatever the whatever whatever the kids are saying yeah so but anyways feeling good nice beach day yesterday and and made it back in time to do some stuff which was exciting yeah all right I'm so I love that you you got the car

and you're using the car and your life has been better for it yeah put 1400 miles on that thing and whatever it is a month so as stuff I mean you've done a gig with it already right you went to Royersford with that put to Royersford yeah well Steve Steve Big Dick Rogers really fucked me on that one what I was supposed to I booked him nine months ago before I had the car was even a glinted my eye and I was like hey can you drive me to this gig you take me down there and I only book him because he's got a car and a huge cock and good combo you know two days before he does the whose car should we take hoping I'll be like I'll drive but

I was like well I gotta say I gotta look at my notes I was hoping we could still take your car and he's like that's in the shop on the piece of shit so I had to drive him and this fucking douche he lives way the fuck out in Brooklyn it's a neighborhood I never even heard it's called you know Long Island or whatever I mean sure I'm driving him back and that it's not off the BQE it's it's all red lights and parkways and driveways and and three ways yeah it took me like an hour and a half to get to his house and then you do the drop-off and I type in home in the Google Maps and it's like 49 so I got home at 5 o'clock in the

morning and these days I go to bed at 10 30 right so you know he's he's he's dead to me and you know I was with you he's dead to me too I don't like him or his dog but speaking of gigs I've had I had to count them dose duh I don't know how you how do you say to an Italian do I think it's very similar to Spanish probably dose below so dose dose dose he do yeah pizza dough either way I'll give me these two tell me what you think about this first one this is out of a John Hughes film battery park no microphone you know there's 20 people there spread out to hell it's in the middle of it's 6 o'clock in the afternoon there's music

playing this birds chirping this kid's queef and it's not ideal but we got some Tuesdays there now there's a kid's birthday party caddy corner to these the comedy show quote unquote if you can call it that and I'm going up there I'm bombing I'm doing this I'm doing that this kid climbs a tree behind me gets up in the tree and starts trashing me from the tree wow how old is the kid I'm thinking nine ten eight I don't know I'm not a I'm not an Epstein but this kid was young and he was angry and he was funny wow what are some of his lines I mean what's he's saying is it is it Jerry Jerry Dingleberry or what's going on there

I was going so I was in a Poughkeepsie that day he wasn't bullshit he was lying he didn't go anywhere you know trains are down or whatever it's a pandemic you got a quarantine I mean he was on oh geez and what what did it did you think about throwing anything at him did you have any zingers any quips well that's that's the clinker I mean I want to trash this kid I hope he falls out of the tree and breaks his arm and you know gets a cavity but his parents are there giggling all the the audience loved him because he's a cute kid a tree heckling a grown up I mean it was cute I had to give it to him he's got a slingshot his back pocket

a hat with a propeller he's all the big lollipop I mean it was classic and at one point he keeps trashing me they go all right well we all know you're adopted and everybody goes ah geez I'm like what do you mean are you turning on me this kid's grown up my life are you sure it wasn't veeter it sounds like this might have been Gary kind of teasing you a little bit I wish this kid was tiny he was a little twerp he had skin knees and a baseball glove and overalls and a straw hat with a with a weed coming out of his teeth he was he was Dennis the menace did you say hey where'd you get the skin knees were you sucking dick in

the park you fucking homo that's what I would have gone I should have but I now I started to try to ignore him and I went right into my porn stuff and then I would use him when the joke would bomb I'd go you know I'm talking about he was like what is what is a cock ring and I'm like exactly shut the hell up I hope your dad dies oh that sounds brutal but but pretty hilarious I mean that's the problem with these park things is there's no door man or door women and and I think part of this is is 20 21 or whatever the fuck year it is 21st century whatever yeah is this idea that you know kids are right and fat people

are smart and you know the more genders the better right I don't want to sound like an old what do they call a boomer or public it obviously but the idea this kid they should have cut down the tree with the kids still in it and drag him off and let him die in the sewers but I agree he was building tree house up there he had a rope ladder and this kid he he owned me I mean he had a an elevated level of attack and I'm on my I've got no microphone I'm on my hands and knees going oh shut up you're I wish you got a board and I'm trying to be funny he don't know what even that that means and they did the crowd loved it but I was

miserable yeah I like that kid one bit and hopefully something terrible happens or his sibling soon well and that's the other thing is you try to trash a kid and his parents are right there and I was like well you know mom and dad are gonna get a divorce and they were like Jesus crops like ah sorry I'm just trying to try to get through this all right yeah so that was one gig and then the next night I go well you know bury the hatchet or bury the lead or bury your grandma I go to this penthouse gig New York comedy club is doing these penthouse gigs which I highly recommend they're very good so I get there it's in this

cool sexy apartment in a flat iron district and you go up to the top floor and you go up to the the roof deck and they got all these chairs out there a microphone they got the New York comedy club logo it looks pretty good they get they nailed they nailed it and it's a bunch of Tuesdays because I promoted it so there's probably 20 people there and I'd say 12 of them are Tuesdays wow yeah pretty good so they go you're gonna close it I go all right great so you know Matt Broussard goes up and Ian Fiedance goes up and a couple other people and you know I'm watching everybody set the crowd's hot and I can see they're kind

of looking over at me like oh there there he is there's the queef himself right there we we came to see him here we go I'm like all right it's gonna be a hot show here we go and now the guy on before me is doing his thing and I see I feel a couple raindrops falling on my head but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red and crying stuff to me I'm never gonna stop the rain from dead because I'm queef so I noticed when I got it'll blow over whatever so he gets off they bring me on I get two minutes in torrential downpour yeah uncle Leo and so they the guy the matters like is doing give me the cut

because like the mic is in my hand I could get a Ben Franklin thing going with a key and a kite and they pull me off and a I didn't get it to do a set and be these people had to watch these retards while they waited for you know the headliner oh didn't get to go just a big old bag of shit all this stuff and I think I'm leaning towards more done with these I mean that one sounds good these rooftop show I'm pretty good but the the the the weather thing is tough and and the the hecklers and it's just a tricky weird time yeah it's a part of me think zoom is better I mean there's something about I don't

know but I mean obviously Royersford the soul Joel gig is amazing that was great and I've heard great thing about stress factory and some good ones very good but I don't know also I keep thinking now that New York has heard immunity we should all just pack up and go inside and do some shows I don't know what's what or who's who I'm fine with that but yeah that's tricky that sounds frustrating and sorry to the gays that didn't get I know so it really rained on your gay parade exactly so I ended up taking photos with all of them just because I felt bad and chat with a few nice people good eggs they all you know know to to

hug and leave and yeah and it didn't then it just sucks you got to get home in that so now it's pouring outside you got to go home so you just all that for nothing and it's just kind of a nice metaphor for what's happening right now like oh maybe hey this show is actually pretty good and then stuck in the rain yeah a lot a lot of rain this year a lot of getting stuck in the rain it's strange times and what do you think of this let me let me toss this in your face and see if it sticks please just just now right before the pot or a half hour ago it's weird when you sometimes there's all these movements and you want

to be a good ally yes you know the allied forces and so I had a moment here where there's this really I'm walking up the sidewalk in this really sexy woman with the workout pants walking by and she's really something and and she walks by and you know I don't want to what do you call it Ogle defecate or devalue or disrespect yeah sure that so you know I just I don't want to leer yeah ha King Lee Norman Lear yeah so she walks by and then I look up and there's a gentleman African-American gentleman and he's looking at her and he does like a bit of a like how about that but boo and I gave him the

leg I know am I right yeah and in my mind I'm like well I'm bonding yes with with a person of color here right or a colored guy whatever whatever the term is and but I'm mixing and matching movements because we're doing a thing where we're devaluing and we're sexualizing and you know this woman doesn't want to be leered at or right or objectified that's the one that's the one I was looking for but at the same time I can't leave my my my fellow man hug hanging here your brother in yeah because that's you know then all of a sudden yeah you know I'm not an ally to him so it's a little tricky because I'm

like alright my man you know yeah the lady is like what is this I'm trying to walk around my workout pants so it's a little tricky but I felt that in this moment the BLM trumped the the ladies yes so you know it's tricky what do you what do you do there I got a couple ideas I like this a lot this is this is good because you gave up one moment for another yet to sacrifice a movement to go with one but I think you could go up to the guy and go yeah I'm gay but I get it like I'm not I got eyes I'm not an idiot you know and that way the lady is not threatened but also you're still cool with the with the brother in well

and I'm scooping in a third on the exact day you know what I mean I mean that I'm really I could go trans right right listen I'm I'm a I'm a trans whatever right so I don't but maybe trans or back I could be trans but gay because sexuality and gender are different it's all fluid I think whatever that means but it's interesting that you can go from being a woman to being a man but you're a man who's still into women right that's why the the gender thing doesn't make sense when they go there is no gender then you go well how can there be lesbians because the whole point of a lesbian is liking women

right yeah it's tricky it's all tricky but and by the way I didn't do much of a leer I mean I just noticed her because she's in my field of vision I thought oh that's an attractive woman but I won't look over there so I did play it pretty good because I didn't look and she had passed me he was walking behind her he might have been getting ready to murder her I have no idea but sure I kept going this way so I had a good thing where I didn't leer and I went I'm not gonna check this lady out but I gave him my right my friend yeah so I felt like I appeased everybody I'm just that's all I'm trying to do is just

appease yeah as long as you did it behind you took her from behind I think that's okay I think you're safe there but also I've heard some gals gaggle and and yap a little bit and I hear a lot of like I wore my my best sports bra and nobody took notice you know so there's that angle too and you're like we do we want to take notice but we can't take notice but yeah you're wearing it your nips are out in a minute you know the whole thing so it's tough well here's the thing is you there's different there's so many different people in each group right talk like a group is one thing cuz some women they want to get

leer they're posting on Instagram their their tits stapled together and then some women are wearing you know shawls saying don't look at me yeah it's tricky but I think the worst case scenario would be if I was like worst case would be if I was like look at these crazy titties and then that guy was like I know and I was like not you sir you son of a bitch that would be the worst thing cuz then you shut everyone out right but I think if I had been like sir don't look at her that would be you know mansplaining even though he could you mansplain to a man I don't see why not you're still a man right but I guess

it doesn't make sense I don't know because I know a lot of men one in particular that's mansplaining to me all day I know the same guy and I hate him I mean there's a lot of like well you see here's the thing and you're like I know the thing right well well that's the thing about being a guy is shit can happen to us and I know we've had advantages and we have his ball sack and no tits and all that but we get a lot of shit and nobody feels bad for us so that part kind of sucks you know you're like well this woman you know rape me with a with a tire iron and you go alright get over it and you're like

well it still hurts my feelings and all that and my asshole so I don't know why I can't get any sympathy yeah you gotta get from the right people but some people now but that even that's a broad brush because some I'm bumping into women all over town that I'd be like boy it sucks to have this happen or that already that yeah so I think I think there's there's ups and downs and overs and outs and I'm nervous talking about any of this stuff honestly same same it's all a big bag of queefs and it's all a bummer and and I think we talk about it too much I not talking about but I think we we we delve into this I think life is not this

complicated we make it more complicated I feel like sometimes we're looking for problems and people just get a hobby hug their kids jerk off not in front of people and just ride a bike go to the beach yeah I mean I've been written a bike in a couple minutes but I went to the beach and now if you're listening to this podcast today I'm in I'm in West Texas right now probably nursing a COVID cold but whatever sure by the way I was at right aid today and although I think we're all immune in New York anyways but I was at right aid today buying a box of candy and a couple of dildos yeah or things that can be used

as dildos and the guy had a mask the guy had a mask but he had like a coughing fit right as I'm paying he was like blah blah I'm sorry sir blah and I was like well if I didn't have it before surely I have it now now there was a plastic divider and he was wearing a mask and I was wearing a mask and whatever was a couple minutes but boy you hear a cough these days I know I steal Vaughn said the cough is the new N word and there's a lot of truth to that because you go Jesus what the hell's wrong with you you know it's it's it's similar but I gotta tell you I don't know if you've been nice to me over the years or just a sweet

polite person but I breathe into that mask and I smell the stench of pure grim death coming at me I must have the worst COVID breath on the planet that was the first thought I had five minutes into this you put the mask on and you're like Jesus Christ my wife I gotta go eat her out for a couple days rubber feet and thank the Lord and apologize to every girl I've ever slept with because my breath smells like just God bless you COVID I mean my breath smells like just a rotten asshole that's been fucked recently same same it's that like stank dead tooth morning breath and I'll give it a brush a rue and then I get back in

that mask and I go good Lord am I wearing my grandma's panties on my face because this is this is beyond foul well the there's a good way Nikki Glazer taught me this years ago a good way to test your breath you lick your hand like lick the back of your hand and then smell the lick smell what's left give that a whiff not bad okay so you're doing all right so folks at home because everyone tries to do the cup the breeze out and sniff the garbage that doesn't work you gotta you gotta lick your hand smell what the licking and that should be a if it's bad it's bad if it's good you're all right still tastes like jizz but yeah

it smells fine who comes on the back of their hand well it goes everywhere it's a messy squirt I have had in the back of the hands you do this and it drizzles down and gets on the knuckles there and like a like a melty ice cream exactly so give it a lick and sniff and if that'll that'll give you a sense yes by the way a side note talk about ice cream the stand has Guinness ice cream you want to push the the silent re and have a relapse there's your there's your two birds with one scoop so it's a beer ice cream is Guinness it's just so good tastes like a milkshake but still tastes Guinnessy it's creamy it's smooth it's

wow it's lunch wow no kidding well I gotta get back in the city and go down to Sundays and cones and stick that chocolate chip up my ass cuz that's one of the great pleasures of my life although it's a little little pricey little pricey but that's Manhattan for you but hey come back and scoop me up in the centra this week you're gone I keep coming up with plans I know I know let me let me throw this I know we got a skadoodle in a minute but I had a nice chat a fireside chat with about four guys who are all from New York Queens Brooklyn Bronx whatever and we had a chat on what is gonna happen to this

goddamn city and it was very enlightening good or bad now cuz the other day your last week you were a little worried now I can't tell not great but exciting dangerous nerve-wracking a little everything well it feels like there's some edge to it now I'm seeing a lot more complete psychopaths walking down the middle of the road that's in a story I'm seeing that yeah yeah yeah they're saying Midtown is done Midtown is gonna go back to whores and you know porno theaters and drug dealers and violence because that's all tourism so when the tourism is gone that's gone and then a lot of the all the chains are

leaving you know the the Dwayne Reeds the Walgreens the big Chase Bank one all that crap is gone and then maybe mom and pop will come back but there's gonna be a moment where all the stores are empty and that's when the mugging start because there's no one all the storefronts you're not gonna mug somebody in front of a Claire's boutique because they'll call the cops once that's empty it's open season right well here's the thing to remember no matter who you're talking to and it's out you're probably talking to some fucking comedians whoever you're talking to even if you're talking to the guy that predicts the fucking things whatever

his name is that meteorologist fortune teller to say oh the guy that's he predicts the election right every year he's a Jewish fellow Chomsky made off I forget his name at its bats Billy Samsonite Elliot's bit there yeah so whoever you're talking to them they they can't predict the future they don't know what the fuck they're talking about even the smartest guy Robert right sure whatever the fuck that guy's name is or whoever right Quinn Quinn a P.A. whoever it is they don't know it's all just guesswork and so I think we'll see we'll see is what I would say all right hey look I'm not saying anything's written in

I'm just saying that's what they told me and it was very interesting and a little nerve-wracking yeah no question about it that's a strange times I'm a little nervous myself but we'll see we'll take it a day by day yeah we'll see Ari said he's moving to Colorado now good all right well we'll see all right we gotta we gotta wrap it up you gotta get the hell out of here we're going long my oh we are twice and oh geez is hard all right well hey oh I'm in Indian apolis coming up and Arlington draft house and a couple of the place it's all a website LOL in San Antonio so I come out say hello 50% capacity come cough on me

and I'll jerk you off and get the patreon queefs galore live shows we got shirts and praise Allah yeah check out the special if you haven't already I hate myself and tell some friends spread it around tweet it Facebook and yada yada yeah yeah that's it that's it folks tell a friend queef it up and we'll see on the interwebs blow your dad George is saying cut it honestly watching the music