Tuesdays with Stories! - #365 Eerie Mcqueery

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

New piping hot ep for ya as the guys talk farting and break each other down mentally before Joe has an episode at the dentist while Mark gets boozed up at a comedy club in Salt Lake City. Check it out! Sponsored by: My Bookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays),  Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me hey everybody you're welcome to Tuesdays with stories it's a new month it's

September 1st mark what do you think about that I rent is due folks everybody hates that rent and you could be menstruating I don't know what your calendar is or ladies keep like a period calendar sometimes well I used to have one just based on you know if you gotta know what cuz some ladies don't want to fuck with their period some ladies don't mind and some guys are gay so who knows that's true that's true gay guys have never had to concern themselves with menstruation good point that's interesting what a life

but I gotta say I no longer concern myself my wife doesn't mind fucking on her period I mean you gotta put a towel down you gotta be sure gotta be mindful and go hey wait a second yes metal period sometimes it sneaks up on you to you just start fucking you look down and it looks like you busted into the Hershey syrup you know yeah when you pound it it starts to get brown I know it's like a like a mr. Stubbs or whatever that barbecue sauce is it's got a chunk in it it's a doozy but I don't mind either I I'll eat out a period I come up I got like a period mustache I'm not against it it's a little zinky it's irony period piece

there's been times where I fuck I looked down and I missed I thought maybe I was in the ass because that blood I don't know if it coagulates or what the hell happened but a triangular fire it gets brown and thick and I'm like did I put this in your stinker and you pretended you didn't notice right right and well my gal is on the old IUD oh yeah hashtag me too yeah oh nice yeah that's I love it I mean she loves it I love it everybody's winning but every now and then we'll get a little I guess it's a is that spotting yes yeah so we'll get a little that every now and then it's always a fun surprise because the comfort is ruined yeah I

don't mind blood in the comforter by the way I'm like we're married no one's staying over no one's coming over a little warshack test on the blankets that doesn't bother me yeah same here and she'll get weird about it but you know what the hell do I care I think I think that's a sign of a nice guy is just a you know those guys like oh get out of here you fucking sicko bleedy weirdo you're like oh come on what are you doing be nice I'm a good person I like a big old bush I don't mind a little BO Harry hoof you know a little calf hair I'm not into it I prefer not but I'm not like a get out of the fucking bed and

shave you cunt what's funny though cuz I think a lot of ladies maybe it's beaten in by their mom or their stepdad or somebody but they're like oh god if I have one one hair coming out of my shit he's gonna he's gonna cheat on me or he's gonna dump me or divorce me and you're like yeah we rather you just not cry exactly yeah just pretend to enjoy the godfather that's what I'm concerned you could just be like oh look oh bratsy he seems like a handful you know that would be nice some movie references every now and then would be a treat you know I'm doing something about Mary and she's like who who's Mary does she have

a does she have a hair on her legs I'm like ah it's a fucking movie yeah that wouldn't be bad and oh fuck I had a thought it was something ah son of a bitch oh I'm talking to a friend of mine friend of ours and I'm not gonna name names but he's a married fella and he asked if my wife this is years ago if my girlfriend maybe the time farts in front of me and I'm like a couple times not a big I don't know maybe maybe a few times how about you and he was like she never has in 20 years and if she did would it be the last time we ever she ever saw me wow like Jesus I'm like you get divorced over a fart he's like I

won't have it I don't tolerate it and fuck her wow well some people have a thing with farts I don't know if it's lady or man or just whatever trans but remember that time I'm not gonna say his name but we open for a huge name comic and we're all having a good time we're hanging out in the hotel room watching bullshit on TV drinking smoking fucking and I cut a nice toot on the bed and he was like what the fuck was that and I was like hey we're comics we're having fun we're joshing around he was like I don't care for that yeah I remember that it was slow mo and I just remember being like oh no because you know I was I was

in pretty good with the guy and I was like you got to get this guy oh yeah that guy he's he's fun this is gonna be a different kind of trip and then you open with it just ripping it on the bed and in a four thousand dollar room I might add while he's buying us a nine hundred dollar meal and I just remember being like that's not his humor at all and I see his his act half his act is you know bodily fluids and death and anal and queefs and I thought that would be right on par with the with the rest of it well you should have asked first who has about a part well it's a joke about the other thing but I missed that

you quaved it up but good job I've had it even myself years later where we you know with thickest thieves and I'm staying in his home thinking you know we're living together here for 24 hours a day yeah and I'll lift a cheek fire one off and it's the same reaction it's like Jesus what are you crazy so there's no getting in right arts are out and that's it yeah that's I don't know that's a similar wire just certain things like I don't like the you know you can jizz in my face you can put a pinky up the pooper you can fuck my mom but if you do this one around me that you know the Hawking I'm a big hawker because I got

the reflux you don't know about the reflux you're Tony Hawk I get it but that's that's you got a reason how about just these redneck cunts who just kind of do it you know every meal every every time they get outside they light up a smoke and they take a wig big hawk on a on a bush and then it just dangles ah come on well I gotta say I'm pro farting but there was one time in Vegas I got a little perturbed with you young man oh you were you were farting I don't know every eight seconds and they were stinkers like you had some beer farts or something yeah well that finally I just reached a point where I was like you

gotta you gotta knock it off I'm snacking over here we're in a small room to six people the sound is funny the smell is bad right I get it shit works yeah and you're upset with me for Hawking but you smell like a bag of skunks well hey you know everybody's got their their their jizz their their their their pet queefs whatever it is but yeah and look if you let me slide with four farts and they smell like ass and you tell me to stop I get it but if it's an SBD or or not an SBD if it's a if it's a loud but but non stinker L&S I say let it ride it's just a funny noise no question about it I last night I had

what I like to call cartoon farts and it suck as I was by myself Sarah was doing spots and I was alone and just had those the classic oh yeah and you just wish anybody was there to see it because they weren't stinking it up too bad they smelled you know whatever a little ice cream ish and the sound was just the old-school raspberry sound and I would have loved to have shared it with you yeah I would have liked next time to a Matt Wayne and put it on the iPhone and send it right on over not a bad idea hey speaking of great ideas do you have a big hairy bush we just talked about it a big hairy bush that needs trimming if

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and yeah I'm a big fan so I get get some man scape 20% off and free shipping when you use the code Tuesdays at manscape.com that's manscaped.com and use the promo code Tuesdays plural like your balls for 20% off your first order and always use the right tools for the job yes that stuff is good my dad I don't know about a Steve list but my dad is a real hairy gook and he is just his shoulder hair back hair the whole thing chest hair and he would cut his pubes and armpit hair just to shorten it up with scissors wow yeah yeah I mean I remember early speaking of Steve list

nobody taught me about shaving or how to shave I've never to this day I don't know how to shave with a razor I guess you put what come on your face and then swipe it I guess I could teach you we could do a father something that feels weird you're younger than me I need to get you know uh like Quinn or somebody to teach me right but you do a whole day tie a tie tie your shoe wipe your ass shave ride a bike I can do it I can do a handful of those bike I got I mean I got most of the stuff from now I could change a tire I can ride a bike I can tie a tie I still can't do but I kind of want to go my

whole life not knowing how to tie a tie sure I get that I've gotten this far and I'm going no tying what do you do fun what do you do with the wedding or the funeral or the letterman or whatever I asked somebody to tie my tie I think Ari tied my tie at uh my wedding and then I tied the knot and tighter tubes and then uh I don't know how to wear a tie very often late nights I didn't wear them I think tonight's show I wore a tie somebody tied it I'm sure Jimmy maybe who knows by the way is there a more intimate moment for a man than another man nose to nose breathe it in your face tie in that tie he's got his hands around your neck and flip it

and flop in and you're making jokes it's eye contact you're about to kiss it's too much it's all very strange I was thinking about this the other day it's sad and weird my wedding before the wedding there was no family members it was me Ari Bobby and Derek I mean Derek's like family no uncle no dad no go get him son no cheek pinch here's my advice don't let your knees buckle be kind to her yeah just uh just you know Bobby and Ari and Derek calling me a fag and in a way uh you know me included we're not that close with the fam you can't I can't call my dad a cum guzzler or he would he would shit his pants if I said that in front of him so like maybe we're all more family than that like you know you see I've noticed black people

and minorities and young Mexicans yeah they love their family they have with their cousins they go out drinking they they talk about fucking chicks and doing this and that and I'm like I could never do that with my family my family's like co-workers that I hate the gig I hate the job it's an office gig we work in a cubicle my dad's the boss my mom's fucking the boss and my cousin's the guy by the copy machine I was listening just earlier to Sam Harris talking about mental bullshit and not bullshit stuff that's great but it was talking about when you go see your family they no matter how much you've changed they fit you back into this box of the way you grew up and then you start to feel that way because they're making you feel that way so it doesn't matter how many

you know girls you fuck and shows you do and applause breaks you get and specials you have and views in your ass and herpes they just bring you back to you know fifth grade crying because you got a splinter and you don't know how to tie your shoes and your teeth are weird yep which is still the case but and then you start to be like oh I'm sorry guys I'll just be quiet and you want to knock their heads together and be like you know who I am you sons of bitches I just bought a used Sentra you fucking assholes yeah how about that uh what is it certified pre-owned dickless cpo yeah I feel the same way and and my that's the thing our parents aren't bad people your parents are nice my parents are nice but they know how to get you they know how to do that

jujitsu vulcan neck pinch like one time I was talking to my mom and I go well I mean I had a weird upbringing I had a tranny nanny I had a I lived in a mansion with no running water and she's like oh so did we raise you wrong and I was like no I'm so sorry no I wasn't saying that mom please now before you know what I mean your ass yeah same thing and some lady listened to me on marron she's like you got to read this book and I don't want to get too detailed because they might hear about this book and never allow me back in the house but I'll send you a photo of it it's quite a quite a book I'm in there crying I'm ripping out pages and hanging them on my wall and shit as reminders you got the book oh immediately this woman was like I listened

to you on WTF you got to get this book you were molested you don't know what's going on read this it'll help and so I am a zoned it I send her a photo I was like thanks lady and she's like good luck out there you're relatively young the world's fucked and uh wow I think she was like some like she was like Bert Lancaster in field of dreams I think she disappeared back into a ghost or whatever wow she sounds kind of hot I mean she listened to an hour podcast with mark marron was like you are gonna get a book and see this therapist and and say the Lord's player twice well give me the give me the the goods what's the book fatty it's called running on empty and it's about emotional neglect ah and it's all about you know parents that that love you and tried their best but

they just didn't give you the proper they weren't whatever they bought you burger king but they didn't say hey it's all right you're gonna be fine interesting well it's funny you bring that up because years ago back in my wilder days this is like seven eight years ago I would you know me I would go to LA and not set up a place to stay and try to figure it out you know sure which I look back on and go Jesus I would never do that's a lot of work what was I thinking but I ended up sleeping at this girls house and she's like sleep on the couch and I laid on the couch for 10 minutes and she goes all right get in the bed we ended up fucking it was pretty cool but she she was like this smart educated PhD in psychology Jewish chick and she broke me down I guess after the fucking

after I cried and you know vomiting and everything she was like are you Irish and I'm like no I don't have a stitch of Irish in me and she was like you got so much Catholic guilt you got so much low self-esteem you got this you got that your family's fucked and she broke me down and it's everything this book is saying even though I never read the book oh stick this book in your ass I mean I don't even I stopped reading and I threw it it was like the whatever you call it the neck to gone from army of darkness whatever you say it I mean I read the back cover started crying I mean it's it's under my bed and in the safe right now because it was triggering me it's like the in Indiana Jones it's it's it's crazy and now I want to watch Indiana Jones and army of darkness

back to back but that's neither here nor there well tell your girlfriend to get a reference it's it's quite a quite a book and it's all about like it's not something you you got that happened when you were a kid it's something that didn't happen you didn't get the proper like hey what are you why do you crying for that's big that's big like I could have used you know the debt I mean this is a whole other bag of tomatoes but you know I'd go to the dentist I'd be freaking out and crying and they were like it's fine it's like 10 minutes it'll be over in no time but I could have used a why are you so upset what are you gonna have well you're gonna be okay or even like a yeah that sucks I get it it's the worst yes and so now I'm still at the dentist I

was there the other day I got a story about the dentist by the way hmm but I was there and I'm like actually shaking and crying I'm not even joking I'm like just violently shaking and crying and I was like in tears I was like do you hate me and my dentist is like what he's like I love you what are you talking about he's like you're my one of my favorite guys and I was like it feels like you hate me I think everyone hates me and I broke down in the dental chair whoa sucking thing was in they were using it to pick up my tears oh my god wow he was holding my hand and squeezing me he's like nobody hates you you're one of my favorite guys I think you're hilarious and I'm like I just have abnormal anxiety here this is nuts and you know he threw listerine in my eyes

and jerked me off so I could get this crown in yeah oh that was viewer what 29 this is this is yesterday two days ago I'm not even kidding I thought you were you know seven no this is like literally two days ago I was crying and asking if he hated me wow that's crazy see I got a similar thing because I was so scared of the dentist the doctor orthodont anything like medical was freaking me out because it always hurt or was always uncomfortable and my dad the way he bonded with me we never played catch he never hugged me never blew me it was just always you know oh you got a mole on your head we're gonna get that puppy lanced and that was his idea of bonding so my only hang time with my dad I got a doctor with his knee on my face going all right we're

gonna cut it right here he's got a big machete out he cut a mole off my head my dad's going get him get him and I'm going ah and that was a fucking Friday right yeah it's all it's all in there and you can tap into all of it and really go back in there and it's a it's a dark strange place yes but let me throw this at you because I don't want to get too serious here but let me throw some jizz in your ass and then see if someone eats it out please please I might get pregnant so this is similar you have your thing and maybe I'm going to give away the story by the way I'm setting this up the prologue is the past or whatever Shakespeare sucks yeah you know you had the guy that was like come by for free lunch you don't get the free lunch

and then you got the story about you go to the club and he's like get the lobster and afterwards he's like it's 28 bucks yeah so obviously the story has been given away already I'm telling it wrong but I go to the dentist I love my dentist he's my favorite guy I hate I hate the dentist but I love my dentist you know what I mean I feel the same way with uh his panics I go I go there and uh I have it's a too long of a story to get into but I had this crown that I think I already talked about it a little bit I got a temporary crown in I went to get the permanent one the permanent one doesn't fit so we got a re-measure or whatever the fuck for the third time he's anesthetizes me puts all this fucking novocaine in and I'm such a big

bitch at the dentist that he puts like crazy novocaine in uh-huh because any kind of discomfort I go it's embarrassing so he loads me up he's putting shot after shot of fucking novocaine in my in my face yeah and I'm completely fucking numb and he goes we gotta give it a good 10 15 minutes to really let it numb up because I know what a pussy you are yeah and I go great so we're just sitting there and he goes when's the last time Christy when's the last time Joe had a cleaning and she goes October he goes let's he goes how about this why don't we give you a cleaning that's how much I love you I'm gonna give you a cleaning while your face numbs up and uh he's like that way you know you're worried I don't love you I love you I'm gonna clean you up how's that sound and

I'll even give you a fluoride that's how much I love you whoa so in my mind you're getting a free cleaning that's what I'm thinking right I mean the way he worded he didn't give me a choice he said would you like a clean he said I'll give you a cleaning and there was no like do you want one because here it is he didn't say yada yada and so this whole time I'm thinking boy he really does love me which I think he does and he gives me the cleaning now a cleaning some people again some people are they don't mind the dentist they like a cleaning you leave feeling fresh it's nice they like the attention whatever it is a cleaning to me is a nightmare they take the scraper and they're pulling and scratching my gums are bleeding I mean I hate it hate it and I had a good

prank this is a side note this is a good thing that happened classic therapy bullshit that came from running on empty the book I was freaking out and shaking and crying literally and I started saying to myself this is not my fault that really helped me huh because I'm like you're such a piece of shit you're such a bitch you're 38 years old you're shaking and crying in the dental chair like a fucking piece of shit bitch and I just went this isn't my fault I was created this way I was raised this way my mother's got anxiety my dad whatever and I'm like this is who I so it can be unpleasurable and I can be anxious and crazy but I'm not there's nothing wrong with me that's just the way I was raised right and that was strangely helpful but that's a side that's uh

the robin williams uh jizz and uh goodwill it's not your fault you know you're a good egg Sean or whatever the hell apples whatever it was you know it's uh it's the same thing it's true but it's so hard to go that way because you go add an easy out not my fault it's such a cliche you know but it's true you got fucked yes by the way the apples thing I know I'm gonna get shot because I'm from Boston I'm supposed to love everything Boston but that's one of the dumbest scenes in any movie I know like why does the guy play a lot like he's like well I do like apples I gotta say it yeah feels like this is a setup but I don't know yeah yes I do like apple well how do you like these whoa yeah it's a little cheese balls yeah he would have gone like what

blow me fuck you you know I know I know why wouldn't he be like yeah no I don't know yeah anyways no I agree I agree that really worked out for the blue collar protagonist really silly but great movie I still like the movie don't fucking at me um but it's not any fault any just so it's not my fault I get the cleaning and it's miserable and it sucks and then he fluorides and I had some build-up so he really got in there and fucking hacked away and then I'm leaving and I'm like I'm fucking numb I hope it's like a stroke I feel like Keith Robinson I'm like whoa and then she goes there is a charge for the cleaning it's $300 300 unexpected wow notified 300 wow ouch you got cleaned out I mean and it's pandemic no one's

working the job the bullshit that's fucked up isn't it to just give someone a $300 charge without asking them if they want to spend $300 that day well especially with the pouring on the I love you this is how much I love you I love you buddy like that that implies I'm gonna give you this because I love you it's free it's on me crazy and I'm happy I'm grateful he did it because I got it out of the way and I was already numb so I it wasn't as painful whatever but still I think you gotta be like hey are you cool with parting ways with $300 today because these are crazy times a lot of people 300 bucks would break them right now totally no that's cuckoo but I guess it's a weirdly flattering thing that he thinks you can just throw out 300 clams but also he's a dentist so he's

probably loaded so to him 300 is like ah but how much can I ask how much is the whatever the hell you got the other thing well that I've already paid for this is it just hasn't fit yet so I think that was like thousands of dollars but I paid it way back in December or January whatever the fuck but I do think these dentists they're struggling more than you think like they make a lot of money but there's so many dentists in New York that there is quite a bit of competition because I remember them being like please leave a nice review like it feels like podcast they'll like tell your friends will give you a if you give us a referral will give you money whatever the fuck yeah he's in your mouth he's going to you know feels feels dot com he's got to tell you the ads

um speaking of which maybe we should fire off one of those yeah why not to you guys well speaking of things in your mouth how about blue chew they're one of our sponsors oh yeah I know you love blue chew Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue chew the first chewable dick pill while we're all stuck at home something we could all use a little more of is human contact but also you need some sweet sweet love making because it's a stress reliever it's uh it's quarantine it's quarantine time and uh we're all trying to get laid everyone's getting laid I feel like it's starting to by the way pick back up again out there I'm I know some single friends that are going out on dates starting to get laid again and maybe it's

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can just chew it and it tastes pretty good it's kind of like the straw you know we all had the straw but then that one cook made the straw that went you know with the little bendies change the game so that's why blue chew is number one right now we've got a special deal for our listeners visit blue chew dot com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code Tuesdays just pay five bucks in shipping again that's b l u e chew dot com promo code Tuesdays to try it free blue chew dot com finally a website that can give you an erection it's funny you bring up the bendy straw I hadn't thought about that in a long time I remember being young maybe it's because it was pre phones or we were just young but

that was a big deal oh yeah bendy straw oh yeah is it a bendy and then being like mad if it wasn't a bendy you're like it's not a fucking bendy right that little bit of satisfaction when you get the when you when you yank it you know and it stretches I love that feeling love the yank and I like the noise that yeah a little that oh yeah game changer it's the same with the the ketchup bottle that then when they figured out to flip it and have the cap be the bottom and the cap was fat flat and wide that was big big I I loved it they got some good inventions and there's more to come yes aside aside from the covid and the science denial and everyone hates each other and the climate change this is a pretty great time to be alive oh yeah I mean I mean the zoom is

amazing cars don't break really you know cars would break when I was younger like ah shit you got to let it warm up ah your Johnson rod although the oil is low or what a the fluids it was all but the fluids you know and now it's like they just start right up in the middle of winter yeah it's pretty good every car has a c automatic windows you know serious radio whatever serious girlfriend whatever it's got a lot of a lot of good stuff happening and the mattresses are better the air conditionings are better the TVs are better like a flat screen big screen TVs like 40 bucks now I know it's insane remember those came out those plasmas it was like ah that thing's two thousand two hundred thousand dollars and now they're like eighty eight bucks

and and high definition is the best thing that ever happened to sports ever uh-huh like when I was a kid I mean I'm gonna wear a big hockey family I mean you'd watch and you're just looking at you couldn't see the jersey numbers and the puck was you had to kind of guess and just watch for reactions now it's so crisp right crispy it's beautiful not bad for porn either if you really want to get to the nitty gritty and see every blemish is it cut pimple and and pockmark right on that labia I like some blemishes sure little imperfection so so let me did I tell you about I told you about the kid in the tree yes so the thing of like we've always been doing wacky gigs but the wacky gigs have it's just the

norm now it's the norm McDonald it's just there is no normal gig now really it's in Royersford big J got ripped off stage it's in a sandpit or it's in a ball pit or it's in your armpit it's all these pits and I did one in Long Beach Long Island which I love Long Beach I keep talking about it but it's this little haven in the middle Long Island's got a bad rep you know it's that's really Alabama it's nothing but uh racist and coke heads and bald ones you know but I love Long Beach the beach is beautiful it looks like Venice it's this tiny little town this oasis it's all run by cops and firefighters so it's not like super swanky and nice it's kind of blue collar and middle of the road everybody's nice and they got thick accents and they surf and I did a show at

a taco joint like a Mexican restaurant in the parking lot and it feels very Boston because they're all firemen they're all salt of the earth you know nice guys thick fingers with the rough hands where you shake it you're like god damn you know who is this guy and they're all tougher than you and uh so when we get there and it's this big fat guy and he's like hey I'm Gus I own the place and you're like hey Gus and he's like we got a problem I just got off the phone with the DEA and comedy's illegal now so we gotta lose the stage there was a stage that was this tall he's like we gotta get rid of that and we gotta have the show be one hour and all there's like 39 comics we have to go on because they all live in Long Beach they don't get up and he's like

y'all gotta squeeze it into one hour we will you get paid the same and I'll feed you and you can drink as much as you want but it's gotta be one hour and no stage so we have to stand in a parking lot and just tell jokes to people at picnic tables and I love it because I go oh great I have to do less time I get paid the same but it was kooky but it's just so weird because it's half children nobody knows it's a comedy show and I'm bombing but before my set 37 comics went on and I said let me walk to the beach I walk to the beach there's hula hoop there's a volleyball there's people surfing it's just weird culture shock coming out of Manhattan which is just hobo heaven and crime rates through the roof and it was just it was a great time and I'm walking off

I'm walking down the pier and this is fat lady and I go hey this is beautiful out here aren't she goes yeah we just start talking for 20 minutes just nice wow it's like a little community out there she's like oh yeah I lived in Manhattan I had to get out this is nice I've been here 20 years that house right there 600k you could buy that tomorrow I'm like maybe I will and it's just a nice little nice little community compared to the city wow talking to a fat lady's fun you know yes because they're cocktail yeah they're gross they don't deserve to be talked to but you're doing it you know yeah it's nice good for you yes she was nice and she had an accent she had a c-section scar and you know too many kids but it was just you know it was just a pleasant trip and it's

it's a 50 minute ride on the LIRR wow well I'm a big Jones Beach douche as you know and that's right next door it's all the same beach essentially sure but it's pretty though is it clean out there with Jones yeah I mean Jones is one beach down so it's all the same that's what's so interesting about all these beaches because you're like I'm at Jones Beach I'm at Long Beach I'm at your mother's beach right but it's the same thing it's the same with LA it's just like I mean there's some different people obviously but like the beach itself like if you're a shark it's not like you're like oh I'm over here at the law I don't go to Jones right it's just a mile down the the shore that's a good point yeah it's all the same dirt and water yeah but it's it's fantastic over there

and I love there's all these places that have these bad wraps obviously there's bad people of bad things about it like Jersey Shore of course is like trash right oh the tv show and yada yada it's like one of the most spectacular places in the world really and same with Long Island I mean I'm sure there's a bunch of racists and whatever and whatever else they say about Long Island but there's also like spectacular beaches beautiful nice people great comics and yeah Donnelly and sure I mean the alumni comedically out of Long Island is is bananas ridiculous there's a whole wall of fame at go at governors oh that's right I mean we could we could do I bet we could rattle off seven right now oh sure I mean we go every other what we do

let's tit for tat all right I'll say Amy Schumer so you don't have to I'll say David tell okay how about Rodney Dangerfield now that's Queens what I thought he was Long Island now Queens but you know Queens is close but uh Queens is part of Long Island technically I think it was back then actually I mean it's it is on Long Island it's part of the island all right Brooklyn and Queens are but then if we had Queens we could do 30 more but let's try to keep it to the island here I'll say sorry and I say Howard Stern sure all right um sorry I said Eddie Murphy out of order oh that works okay Eddie Murphy's a great one how about DeSinefield County was born in Brooklyn now he's Long Island he's all right but God's

six uh Kevin James oh good one Rosie O'Donnell wow how about James his cousin Gary Valentine oh boy all right one more here can I I could can I do opiate Anthony or I could also do Bob Nelson you're busting out Bob Nelson oh yeah Bob Nelson counts uh who else is over there what's that guy's name Vic Deepa Dippa Dippity DePetto what's that guy's name I don't know he's an island somewhere uh he's an island of himself whatever that means yeah I never know what that means either yeah and Roseanne is it Long Island is she Roseanne no she's from Denver what Roseanne Barr I didn't see that coming yeah she's like a Denver douche huh how about that a mountain wait this other this other Long Islands that we're missing here what about Pete Correali

I think he's Long Island maybe unless he's sitting I'm pretty sure he's a Long Island guy he sounds like he's from Long Island yeah he's definitely a big wop I don't know that's that's uh that's interesting pretty for sure Pete Correali Sean Donnelly uh oh that counts who else is out there there's some other big guys you know like Richard Belzer maybe maybe maybe he might be Brooklyn I'm not sure I don't really fell apart all right well we got seven this feels more like a bonus by the way uh sorry the people are going to hate us but we got another ad here oh this show is this show is famous and this is uh this is a new new thing here and I'm excited about it Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by my bookie and uh now you know me y'all know me I'm a sports nut

in fact my comedy career has just ended because I'm watching the entire hockey tournament I'm loving it the Bruins are moved on to the second round here I'm watching every minute of hockey last Saturday I watched 10 hours straight hockey and I gotta say I'd like to do some betting I have an app that only works in Vegas and so I'm into this my bookie the winning season returns at my bookie that means doubling your first deposit this is wild you can play survivor contest super contest all kinds of crazy contest at my bookie winning season means hitting all your parlays and props with your feet up watching your team trounce the rivals while you cash in rejoice because the NFL is back baby oh yeah invest in your intuition use promo code Tuesdays

and double your first deposit new players get up to a thousand dollars in free play Jesus I mean I'm not a sport guy really but that seems high I don't know what's what but this is my bookie and they love us so go help it out wow that is very generous it's simple make your picks win big and collect your cash visit my bookie dot ag and use promo code Tuesdays to double your first deposit that's promo code Tuesdays at my bookie your winning season starts today only at my bookie don't think I didn't notice the because he's my butler deliver I love my bookie too because bookies are always terrifying like oh the bookie is going to get you in my bookie sounds you know cute and fun my bookie and me my buddy remember that thing

I do yeah my buddy was big my buddy um you ever get embarrassed permission you ever get embarrassed when uh I think back to me as a kid going mom I want that and it would be like a box of laundry detergent but I had batman on it and I'm like mom we got to get that she was like it's just a bat picture batman on a box a lot I'm like but I like batman she's and I'm like we got to get it she's like shut up you're half retarded you know I'm so embarrassed by that now I was thinking about this the other day I'm so embarrassed about all the times we lied to our parents and there's no way they didn't know especially when you're really young like I feel like if I had a six-year-old kid or an eight-year-old kid uh and they were like lying you'd be like

okay buddy like there's just no way a six or seven-year-old kid could fool me right right it's true it's so embarrassed like at one time this this was a big running joke in our house because I was such a loser but I got invited to a party and my parents didn't want me to go because it was like a boozy kind of New Orleans wild party and I was like well it's not really a party it's more of a gathering and my dad was like what the fuck is that it's a gathering so every every 10 minutes he'd be like it's a gathering we're going to a gathering you know but uh I thought that would work I was so stupid that's pretty funny that a dad shit on you for it oh we'd be going to my my sister's wedding I thought I went it's a gathering and I'm like all right we got it

oh he really really gave it to you but oh yeah funny guy yeah he was quick I mean don't get me start on the time I shaved lines in my head to fit in and my uh black public school he really hey it's like I watch out MC hammers coming through you know oh that's shit it's so brutal when you're 11 that's hilarious sounds like a funny guy I'd like to meet him sometime yeah me too how about this one what do you think of this so the other day I leave the dentist my face is you know numb and whatever I'm drooling and I go into Central Park my dentist is on the Upper West so the whole time I'm getting just tortured on the dental chair I'm thinking I can't wait to get to in Central Park it's all I all I have today is the dentist so once I'm through this hell I got a

free day it's beautiful it's 75 it's sunny nice I got a book with me so I go into Central Park and I'm sitting on a nice bench perfect amount of sun shade you know when you have like half sun half shade yes it's the the sun coming through the shade but you're cool but you got a little vitamin diesel and it's a breeze oh yeah so I'm reading and the pigeons are flying by and there's beautiful women walking by I'm there for about 40 minutes and I read for about five and then I just stare at the trees and gratitude bullshit then I go back and read and this guy walks by me and goes pardon me sir and I go yes and I'm nervous because everything's getting kooky in the city COVID and crime like you said it's it's it's strange times here tense it's tense and he goes

excuse me sir and I go yes hi and he looks a little rag and he goes are you aware of where you're sitting and so immediately I'm like what the fuck I'm like I'm on a bench I'm looking around and like you know when like you have that rush of thought anxiety answers what's about to happen to me and I'm like is it wet paint is there is this someone's you know tombstone right fuck and so I look around I go yeah I don't know and he was like there's rats all over the place just gnawing right in here he's I don't know if you see him but there's an overflow of rats in the city and they are right behind you you better be aware of that wow weird and I love it sitting here for a half hour I'm like I've seen a couple squirrels some birds it's quite pleasant yeah

and I know we talked about before I think there's four to one rats in the city and the rats are they're starving or they're eating each other supposedly now yes so it's not nothing but I'm like is this guy crazy or is he like a sage wisdom fella yeah yeah because that's pretty par for the anal with the rats in New York oh there's a bunch of rats in that bush like yeah yeah I know I know the city that's how it works yeah so he just kept walking he's like I just want you to be aware there's rats all over the place and they're gnawing around and I was like okay and I didn't want to move because I don't want to give him the satisfaction because I'm like get out of here so he left and I was like what a nut it's two o'clock in the afternoon I've been sitting here

but then I did have a moment where I was like all right I'll get out of here because maybe he knows I don't know it was it was spooky and strange did you give a look back like man let me check this rat's nest he spoke of and see what the word is I look back I didn't see anything but wood because you know it's very thick in the park like I was sitting on a bench with trees right behind me but yeah I did recently see a rat just walking through like sheep meadow like in the ground like a big lawn so they're going to weird places yet because there's less food because nobody is out and about it it's not as many people are out and about right right well when I was uh we led I remember before I did comedy I visited New York with my girlfriend and we stayed in an airbnb no we stayed

in a hostel in the upper west side like 101st street and the trees had so many rats in them that you had to run from the corner to the building because they would fall randomly out of the trees that's how many rats were in these trees and it was so terrible he'd run in the street because he didn't want to run in the sidewalk for some reason but yeah those rats they're no joke yeah I mean they're scary but I mean then I had the image of one just walking up to my ankle and just gnawing it off or whatever oh god but uh yeah that was strange that was just something I don't know worth mentioning it was very bizarre and who knows but that's such a weird approach that's what's eerie about that whole encounter is the are you aware of where you're saying like he

could have gone hey man there's a lot of rats here just just letting you know that would have been way more normal well the other thing is strange I'm like there's gotta be the park is quiet comparative to normal times but I'm like there's gotta be 15,000 people in this park right now are you just telling everybody this or just people that are sitting on the benches I don't know I mean there's other people on the benches so I don't know I guess because I had a backpack maybe I look like a nerd douche tourist asshole I don't know that's that's definitely kooky yeah I had a I had a weird thing on the uh I mean I'm in Salt Lake City right now and I was uh went to JFK got on the try did it the old fashioned way I got on the A and rode it

all the way out and got on the air train rode that all the way to terminal four the whole thing and airport is this dead ghost town and I finally get on the plan I got bumped up to first class because there's four people on a giant flight and I watched two movies two count them and these movies you ever seen the lighthouse yes you have yeah I saw it in the theater wow man that is fucking wild with that movie was a bit much it's crazy and it's one of those movies that I'm like I'm not sure if I love this or dislike it or just like it it's a little strange and it's one of those movies where I'm like this I feel like a smart guy I know movies I watch movies but I'm like I'm not quite sure I know what the fuck's going on here it's got all the accoutrements of a brilliant

black and white the two actors are you know prominent big stars you know Willem Dafoe's an amazing actor it's interesting it's weird it's different there's a lot of like symbolism and innuendo and uh foreshadow so when you mix all that and you're like of course it's good but then when you watch it you're like is this good or am I stupid do I am I just saying it's good because of the black and white you know the ending with the I don't want to give it away but that ending was dark it's strange it's kooky and I start in the theater by myself so I had no one to be like what do you think of this is that crazy what's going on here and it's one of those ones where afterwards I'm reading the plot summary on Wikipedia to be like what was going on there I

think I know and I don't know and then sometimes you're like I feel like the Seinfeld bit where I'm like oh he was with them okay right so that one my my jury my personal movie jury is still out I have to see it a second time but I enjoyed it I just was like I don't know if I love this or if I'm like that's good right right yeah and I well the thing is they say you get more emotional on a plane because you're up in the air you dehydrated you're gay whatever it is and I was just watching that and he'd like hit me in a weird but you got the mask on there's no one else on the plane the stewardess doesn't go by as much so you're just kind of like in this little tube going like ah what is this how it was too eerie and then after that I watched the linda ronstadt documentary

just to like cleanse my palate the cnn one was it cnn I think it was cnn films that debuted on cnn it was pretty good she's got a some pipes on her yeah she's a she's a hell of a hell of an artist there yeah so I watch eerie Mcmick query and I watched ronstadt it's like oh blue by you and I'm like oh god it was too much she's got that voice that she's so sad and you know her husband dies and cancer and all this and whoo that was a hell of a four hour uh excursion I'm looking forward to it myself I think I'm there in October that's what that's what you said so I don't know what the fuck a lot of Tuesdays out here uh we we did I did the thing where I got drunk in the green room with Caleb sign in my opener this guy's hilarious check out Caleb sign and he's got a couple clips

out there but uh we just got drunk in the green room and the waitress kept coming in like yeah there's a couple of Tuesdayers out there they're waiting for you and I'm like ah you know they're like they want a photo they say they're not leaving out a photo they handed me a Chipotle card that he gave her and I'm like oh thanks I'll just keep drinking and she's like they're still out there it's like two in the morning so eventually I had to I made a run for it oh you never met him nah I was too drunk ah geez well maybe tonight I would yeah I would have fucked him both or you know went home with him something would have happened I was I was in the bag well what can you do yeah nice I'll send him a photo when I go out there in a few weeks there you go um well speaking

of movies and watching movies last night I had quite an experience haven't had it in a while Sarah and I were sitting here she did a couple shows I'm watching the hockey she came home and I said hey let's look through it look through iTunes because all the movies are coming out on iTunes now yeah and there's this movie called The Rental which is uh I don't care for the title myself but it's a thriller and it's got 74% rotten tomatoes so I'm like that's not bad not bad that's the that's a percentage that if I was still out on the road I'd be like I'll go see this that seems like fun I like a thriller horror type of thing sure and it's a 2020 it's a new movie and I miss going to the movies so much that's the thing I miss the most yeah about all this

I love going to the movies I'm a movie guy so I'm like let's rent this and watch a new new movie because we've been watching a lot of foreign films that we've never watched or re-watching great movies whatever but I'm like we haven't watched a movie that's been made and premiering or whatever yes that's exciting we killed all the lights pretended to go to the movie theater but even better you can pause because all the horror movies have this shit dialogue you can pause it be like that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life right so we had a ball this is a pretty good picture I have to say oh really the rental it's got Allison Brie and uh I don't know some other person that's the only name I remember she got nice cans okay and it's a thriller and

there's a lot of that cheesy dialogue it's like it's a lot of that cheesy dialogue that you're like oh my god it's Iroly but it's a really clever well done fun thriller it was really fun we had the lights off and the window open and it's a little spooky and creepy and um yeah it's a good picture I think I think the folks will enjoy it if you like a popcorn you're on a date you know you want to suck on a nipple and get a hand job yeah enjoy a film it's it's 90 minutes long it ends with a good spook there's a couple of good whoo what the hell happens I mean what is the rent a movie in the movie what's the rental are you renting a car are you getting a centra so here it is it's uh they it's two couples they get an Airbnb a super nice Airbnb on the coast

a big coaster like they they spend some money they're like fuck it let's just do it like a crazy big beautiful house yeah and uh the guy the renter he's a little spooky got it and uh he's like okay whatever and then they do this little red herring thing where he's racist because the chick is Muslim and he didn't rent to her but he rents to the other guy the white guy and so there's a little bit of tension there and that's a little whatever and I thought it was gonna be some bullshit but that's just to get your dick hole stinging uh-huh and uh you know hygiene ensues I don't want to I don't want to give too much away but it's it's fun that's so funny now that like racist is is is scary now like that's so funny that that's a part of a horror movie like and

it's a haunted house but the guy's racist that's the real fear you're like well that's so silly that's it was silly in the silliness but I thought that was gonna be I was ready to be like oh geez here we go it's gonna be about how we're all secretly whatever but that was just a whatever thing and uh it's a it's a fun it's a fun film nice it's a fun fun romp all right all right I haven't heard you speak this highly since Palm Springs well that that's that's a that's a better film but that's two 2020s that are pretty good yeah I think movies are so bad now that if something's pretty good it's it's shocking yeah you get like maybe lucky best case scenario you get six a year that I like hey I know which is so sad it used to be it used to be like 15 a year felt like or 10 at

least yeah it's uh it's weird times hard to get something done but uh yeah it was fun but I think big part of it was just the fun of being at night and we pause so many times to be like now don't you think that's insane couldn't he and then we're like all right we'll continue it's pretty fun to watch a movie that way in a in a couple a pairing that is fun that's half the fun with the lady because my gal's you know 11 years old so she's got a phone out she's got a dildo going she's got a Cuisinart I mean I'm like put the phone down you fat whore we're trying to get that you got to get into it because they don't realize it's like a comedy show when they're like talking and then you go hey hey they go we're listening shut up and then they go this isn't funny like you got to hear

the setup you cus you eat like that's that's how it is with the girlfriend she's like I'm listening I'm listening and I'm like you missed half of it then I have to like tell her what happened later she's like wait why is he there I'm like if you weren't on fucking Pinterest we'd have this done but it's a you thing I think no it's not I got the same problem and mine's 78 and uh it's the same same situation and I run to one time I remember watching a midnight in Paris with uh Cantor's girlfriend at the time and she was literally 14 years old I think yeah she was on drugs and the phone and like two hours into the movie or whatever it is 80 percent of the way in the movie she's like this movie is dumb like half the time the set doesn't even make sense it looks like it's 1930s

and the other half is like modern and I'm like that's the whole movie you fucking knit with exactly yeah you you skipped out on half the premise and now you're bitchin it's like watching Wizard of Oz and being like something happened to the film all of a sudden it's black and white you know it's right that's the point is my point exactly you know I'm with you just annoys the dick out of me because I'm like you're making it worse and now blaming the movie but you want to you want to get into some uh fun every now and then Netflix will come out with just a banger just lunch programming so there's a lot of shit there's a lot of Adam Sandler horse shit and David Spade queeps but captive check out captive it's all about it's just little vignettes or like an hour long episode

of a season and each episode is about somebody who got kidnapped and what they went through and they got the real guy or gal telling you what the hell happened they go to the place they shoot the place they shoot where it was where it happened it's amazing oh that sounds right up my asshole I love any kind of real violent horrifying crime yeah the first one is a prison in Ohio they built a brand new prison state of the art yada yada yada the guards fuck up the inmates take over I'm not going to say anything else but it is wild and that's the first step oh wow all right I'm on it I'm gonna go check that out that sounds good I'll put it put it my ass see if I come and I mean we gotta wrap up here in a second I think I had one other thing to say oh maybe not I think I got it

all but all right what's the dates you said I'm in Salt Lake City October 16 and 17 I think I believe I'm doing it 16th yeah maybe it's uh yeah 16 17 I think I'm supposed to be there I completely forgot I was supposed to be there in May they moved it and I just assumed it wouldn't happen but things are happening now so oh yeah maybe I'll be there I think I'm not sure and check out the special the specials is doing well we're at 700,000 views but now I have that pain of like it's tapering off when I got 500,000 in a week and then 200,000 the next week and you're like that's it it's all over it's no point I had the same thing that's that's normal it'll it'll click over before you know you're gonna forget about it then you're gonna check it and you go

oh about 99999k one more view and I'll be at a million yeah it's been nice and uh Burr tweeted it that was nice and whoever else whatever the fuck so thanks for everybody tweeting pushing Instagram all the shit it's very kind it's very nice it makes me feel like a million bucks and the comments have been nice the emails the tweets the instagrams and it's just been overwhelmingly positive I'm grateful and thank you all yeah it's so funny I don't know if you had this but we've done so much especially you you've been doing comedy like 44 years but people see this YouTube and they go I never heard of this guy I'm a fan now and you're like wow it's so funny that I did all this to lead up to a YouTube special and that's what got you it's strange and then

when people they give it to us a credit to like I'll mention the special and they're like he's got a YouTube special and you're like can you just say a few other credits also like he's been on the tonight show Netflix yes and recently he put a special on YouTube and maybe and it's doing well whatever because it just sounds like I'm a jerk off that fucking shot of a video of my parents and put it on YouTube like I'm like no no it's a real show it's a special right right no I'm with you all right all right I'm watch my special as well out to lunch both on YouTube I'm hoping mine leads into yours ears leads into mine that'd be nice I think it does this weekend I'm in helium and what is that Indianapolis so if you live in Indy come on out I had some Rochester date that might

have gotten clipped because I think the guy got popped for doing some illegal COVID shit that I'm in San Antonio uh Stress Factory New Jersey uh Draft House in Arlington where you were just were and some other stuff comics in Connecticut Tacoma Washington so stuff is still in the books we'll see what sticks and I'm doing shows around the city I think you are too every now and then I'll post that in my stories in in New York hey don't forget to go to two brothers in San Antonio the barbecue joint I will I love that place oh the best place I've ever been it's in the woods it smells good they got crushed ice mac and cheese my mother's cunt father's cock all right um sweep it up hug your dad blow your mom and praise all up folks we'll see in hell yeah uh George is saying cut it

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