Tuesdays with Stories! - #366 Decent Try

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

New ep for ya chooches as Joe endures endless driving and delays during his trip to Texas while Mark performs for some more Orthodox Jews before almost getting stuck in Indy. Check it out! Sponsored by: My Bookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays),  Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), Cannae (cannaeprogear.com code: tuesdays) & Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

whoo-hey, folks Tuesday's the story brought to you by my bookie barely a the sports are coming back folks to get to get be ball he got the NFL kicks off this week all kinds of stuff the winning season returns in my bookie that means doubling your first deposit what plus survivor contest super contest and squares folks at my bookie winning season means hitting all your parlays and props with your feet up watching your team trounce the rivals while you cash in rejoice because the NFL is back baby you ready for that NFL there Fadi

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesday's with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag ha ha ha surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list this Tuesday's with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy whoo hey folks here we are Tuesday Tuesday I'm hungover but we're repressing through I slept on noon today I haven't done that since the 40s noon yeah I feel like a piece of shit that went out with Ari and DeRosa and a bunch of guys and it was white claws as far as the eye can see I gotta say I think DeRosa's got a drinking problem oh he's got a drinking problem he's got a talent problem

his face is a problem his body's horrific he's a he's a mess yeah those shoulder he looks like an up arrow they're just there's no broad entity well he had a good point because we you know he's sitting down his guts out he's got Cheeto dust and and you know a cocktail and we go man you look like hell you're gonna die and he goes I agree I look terrible but people keep fucking me so he has no motivation to move on and get better yeah I mean isn't it always fascinating he's always surprises me as a guy I wish I knew about a guy like that before a real hideous piece of shit that gets laid because I told you my dear friend Chris Walsh had to tell me when I was 22 after I ordered strippers 48 nights in a row I was like Cal Ripken of strippers and ordering them to the

house oh yeah right to the house all my money we had we had it on speed dial you hit like number six and and two skanks showed up wow it's like a uber queefs it was really really uh quite debaucherous yeah a couple times I had roommates come downstairs two strippers eating each other out whoa what a roomie I mean you experienced the Everett House of Comedy a couple times but I mean it was a wild scene man it really was it was uh no holes barred and anything could happen you know people would go to bed at two then wake up at four and start drinking again or we played guitar hero till the sun came up anything went down how about uh I don't want to name names because he's living a quiet normal life now but remember we did the one gig where you came along you were emceeing yeah and uh the

headliner was driving and then he just handed us pills and I had turned to you and I was like this is how we do it and you're like what and then you really played along like a champ which we appreciate yeah it was a great it was a great night for me because I was on the row with two two real road dogs and then this guy's you know we had the tough show remember it was like an attempt outside those picnic tables and I bombed he killed like he brought the heat and he was doing impressions he was doing back flips up there then he you know this guy hands you a bag of pills you're not gonna say no you want to be the guy and then we had steaks he bought stand remember we all went out and bought steaks and if we remember him and I almost got in a fistfight because we

were arguing favor best comics of all time and this fucking douche was saying mark twain right and I couldn't stand I was like you know what you're doing he's like he's a comic he's like look it up you fucking piece of shit he's like he did his live readings to an audience and hit kill I happen to know it would kill and I was like you know what you're doing you're fucking picking a non-comic and he's like oh fucking and you remember you were in the middle of it and we I think we threw steak bones at each other at one point it got pretty heated I believe we tried to break into a pool as well the hotel pool yeah that's right I remember just the the bomb plus the shitty steak plus the zan bars or whatever the hell we were eating I didn't shit for three days

yeah they really constipated you I remember that and we would just chase them all day because we had the first one at like 3 30 in the afternoon on the way right gig and it was a lot of just hit pass out more and then we're drinking beers in the car I'd have like a 30 rack between my feet and that's the way I like to live but we went out and hired a few times good times I mean I think we were in Maine it might have been Maine yeah that sounds about right New Hampshire Maine somewhere we slept in a uh in a like a cottage with one bed and we made it work yeah I don't know how much we slept but uh I'm still mad about that Mark Twain thing I'm like just name a comic you're naming an author you fucking know it nobody think I hate people that debate like that

yeah nobody thinks Mark Twain's a comedian well it's a good wildcard he's got you on that because you have to go oh yeah good good call there he's you know makes you seem educated uh it made me fucking livid brutal it's outside the box you can't fuck with it but I hate that answer also is he doesn't have an album we can't go get the the old mark twain when he before he sold out or whatever by the way also even if we're going okay you win f scott's Fitzgerald's a comic and fucking William borrows is a stand-up comic yeah and so is you know uh all over north or whoever the other guy is Shakespeare he's killer even if they're comics you're telling me mark twain is better than Richard Pryor I know right did he have a closer did he have an opener could he do impressions could he

do voices could he do sound effects I don't think so twain's better than carlin you can go see carlin or you can see twain at the orpheum for stand-up and you're going to see twain get out of here it'd be fun to see him but twain had a couple tweets if you look at his quotes they're clever but they're just tweets they're like two lines there's no acts well he was trying to use also that Hal Holbrook dresses up like mark twain and performs he was trying to use that he's like this guy's doing stand-up as twain that's twain as a stand-up and I'm like all right by that rationale fucking you know Emma Stone is a comedian because she's doing whoever that lady that wrote the thing who's the lady that writes all the things Judy Bloom or Judy Plum Jane Austin Jane Austin soup

the chicken soup for the soul yeah whatever it is I don't know yeah yeah but no no he's uh he's a nut job I think I couldn't believe he told me he had a wife and kids when I heard that I almost killed myself because I was like Jesus he's gonna drown these kids in a pool one day but remember that voice mail he left you all right we gotta move on because uh that guy's a father but he quit stand-up right no I think he's doing it I think he's I gotta check in I haven't talked to him in a while I think he's doing a lot better and I've been meaning to reach out all right well he's a good egg and a hell of a father um great comic one of the funniest people I've ever met funny so if I remember howling in that that little cabin we were in well you like a good

rough up when you're not involved I think I just remember him and I like a manager an umpire like Earl Weaver and a guy and you were just howling in the corner going all right fellas come on couldn't believe what I was seeing just two Massachusetts shitheads going to town on each other like screaming face red spitting oh yeah he was kicking dirt on your ankles it was wild oh one time there was one time me him and bulger were driving in Astoria he was driving my car and I spit on the own the windshield of my own car because we started fighting about the mba or something and I got up and hawked a luge on my own windshield now see here's what I'm not good with the fighting with friends because I'm like well they're just gonna hate me I I never know if you'll

come back as a friend if we if I really let you have it yeah I think well geez that makes me nervous that you're just holding stuff in because you want to be buds oh my god this is horrible over here this is horrible what a great comic by the way what another great comic by the way holding coffee yeah JD Salinger he should see his deaf jam fantastic all right well geez it's good you're making my hangover feel better just because I'm not on pills but uh yeah what the hell's going on with you ah you know plugging along it's a nice sunday we got a big park hang coming that you're gonna miss because you're doing this fucking gay gig doing a gig with Ari but it pays surprisingly well he's generous he certainly is well he's yeah Royersford I think which I'm coming back to by the way

September 16th and it's Joe Liston friends so I'm gonna bring some fun people along there you go and you get to do less time I get to do less time and I haven't I don't have a ton of shit from last time so I got a couple so are you worried about that like this the same people probably won't come out I hope a few of the same people come because there's special guests involved and I got some other shit last time I riffed so much that I didn't get to the good so that's good and this time I'll probably do 20 or whatever because we got a few guys coming along so it's gonna be a hot dog you're not gonna want to miss it I'll say that yeah that's the thing about it people always one of the main questions I get is who are the young guys I should look out for who

who's the guy you like but nobody knows about yet so go to this show you'll see those hand-picked Jews yeah you'll see some young guys some Jews some older guys it'll be really something oh yeah one of the best shows in this in this tri-state area is that tri-state you always hear about tri-state never about quadruple or double no that's not tri-state well there's only one quadruple state that's those four the four quarters tri-state means three states meeting but four states only meet in one spot that's the arizona new mexico colorado and uh you talk about it you talk about it maybe interesting yeah it's our nevada I can't really remember but I feel like you hear about try more well that's what I mean there's way more of them

yeah right so our tri-state area is New Jersey Connecticut New York oh I didn't know that it is you try you tell Arizona Colorado New Mexico oh I nailed it oh nice but yeah that's that's our try connect so what connect to kit so what about flora bamma that's a double that's a double I don't know if they call it the tri-state because maybe Georgia's right there or something yeah I don't know if George is touching Alabama not sure what's going on down there but uh I confuse Mississippi and Alabama I don't know which ones on the left and which ones on the right all right right yeah that's a good one they're both nubby little squares they're hard they look the same well you're from Louisiana which one's touching Louisiana Mississippi okay so it's Mississippi to

the left Alabama to the right which means Alabama must touch Georgia I guess it does yes or is Florida butted out well that's the tri-state area all right all right it's so I wonder what the best try is oh I got to go with us our our try is pretty hot Connecticut's nothing to sneeze at Connecticut I think sneeze that is good oh jizz on that's good too shit on Connecticut's nothing to queef on I don't know Connecticut's like all right you got a couple nice spots you got new London and Yale and little Italy and Pepe's pizza but why don't you get outside of that you're in you're in the wire there's some shit I mean there's the sandy kook and uh this is a bad hook there's some some ocean I don't know

I like it but I like Jersey I love New York that's a good tri-state I'm not sure all right all right decent try but uh man I've been uh I'm back I did some some real traveling yeah you've been gone for a year lay it on me fatty well I went out to uh you ever hear of Marfa Texas I have heard of Marfa one of the worst names uh in the in the books because that just sounds like an ugly chick Marfa yeah like oh you heard about Greggy he fucked Marfa oh it does if you if you hear Marfa and you say it's a woman you definitely picture of big fat moose yes with like a mustache and maybe a club foot well it's it's a it's quite a town but it's one of those towns where some people are like ooh Marfa and then others I'm like I'm going to Marfa and I got about 48

messages being like what the Marfa what the fuck yeah I think it's one of those towns where if you're from Texas for the most part you're like who would never go to Marfa what are you talking about and then people that visit Marfa are like ooh it's quaint in its arts and whatever is it is quaint in artsy yeah it's neat here is a whole this is a whole huge debate conversation this is one of the things Sarah and I really fight about I mean we really fist each other over this one sure and I'd like to hear your input I like the desert I love the southwest west texas you know Utah those red rocks and cactuses and wide open spaces but for me that is horseshit compared to the north the Pacific Northwest the northeast main new england 400

foot green trees moisture morning dew fluorescent grass ferns bright rivers lakes ponds snow capped mountains I love a snow cap the desert is cool for two even josh whatry which I love and Utah I love all that shit it's cool man I did a little bouski there it's fucking cool but after a while everything's dead I call west texas death texas I agree that's to me the desert I hate it all I hate the the cow skull that's always a cliche I hate the cacti I hate the the the bugs the heat my god the heat I hate a mirage oh there's a puddle of water over there oh it's a mirage what the fuck is that you're lying to me at the desert I hate the whole desert the desert just represents death there's no water it's just blazing sun the vultures are going above you

Pacific Northwest is lush it's green it's growing it's alive it feels like survival whereas the desert is just like it's hell it's hell on earth I completely agree and this is one of those things we talked about a few episodes ago or months ago where I can't fathom how somebody could disagree with this it's wild I'm like you think this is better I can't wrap my head around it and I know I'm gonna get a bunch of fucking queeps and cowboy hats and guns saying I'm a fag or whatever I just can't it's insane where I'm like how can you like death over life even the what do you call it the prey the bird of prey no what's the opposite of prey predator even the predators yeah you have scorpions in the desert rattlesnakes oh we got you know bears are cute

they're adorable no one has a teddy scorpion that's a good point you know yeah there's animals with fur in the forest because they're cute they're cuddly they're they got a little big teeth they'll gnaw on a branch and then you go to the desert it's all scales and shells and armadillo and rattlesnake yeah it's it's gross there's nothing good you can't even eat anything yeah I so I prefer but it is it is pretty don't get me wrong it sounds like I hate it it's beautiful and I love it so it was quite it's quite a trip so we fly to Houston pick up Sarah's mom my mother-in-law then we drive to Austin pick up the sister and then we all drive from Austin to Marfa which is a seven and a half hour car ride ah what the mother-in-law mother-in-law that sounds

like a like a seven circle of hell ah I had a seven hour car ride with my mother-in-law yikes well I have to say it really gave me an abundant amount of gratitude because I thought how many people on earth can spend seven hours ten hours one of the days was ten hours the way back we drove from Marfa to Austin dropped off the sys and drove from Austin to Houston ten hours oh car with the with the mill the mother-in-law well what do you guys chat about you play you listen to the radio book on tape are you doing punch buggy I spy I mean how do you kill ten hours ten hours on the way back radio never turned on once no radio on the way there it's a little kooky so they had a conway twitty and some other crap

that they threw on the cd player and then they just forget about it now you know us were comics were observant were taking everything in were cunts so the cd is just on a loop so I heard track three from best of conway twitty about 48 times and finally I had to be like hey I had to lean in I'm in the backseat by the way oh you're the backseat guy I do the backseat lean I'm like you gotta take this cd out I'm gonna I'm gonna take my own life I'm gonna snap it in half and cut my aorta right I mean Kanye or Kanye Kanye twitty that's a whole different album he's uh he's a little grating it's like that yodely thing with the twangy guitar I mean that that'll kill a man yeah it stinks on ice and play that in the ISIS bunker but we had we had a great time

good conversation I mean her mother's a real smart you know she's live she's traveled everywhere she was born in England raised in South Africa moved to the states four kids have been everywhere I mean she's got story everywhere you look everywhere you say she's got stories and she's does the rare thing that I never experienced in my life with my family where she makes having a family seem fun which I've never even heard anybody talk like that no everybody hates their family she was like oh my god would grab the kiddies would put him in the back of the truck and look at some shooting stars and then we took him on safari we went to Istanbul and one of them got one of them almost got stolen whoa kidnap how about this story so years ago they're walking

through the airport in South Africa or something and the the the little one he's six or something he's dragging his own suitcase adorable and here's the click click click click click click click click you know the wheels on the tile yeah yeah when you're walking all of a sudden the click click click click flat nothing huh so they go where's the click click click they turn around and this guy is holding the kid's hand and carrying the suitcase what and they're like what the fuck is this give me back my son you know like Gibson they take the suitcase back and then the guy's like I thought he was lost sorry and then he just he scurries off how about that man that's terrifying spooky and uh gypsies I'll tell you Sarah's dad said it was the biggest regret of his life

not going after the guy because they were so happy to have their son back and right you okay whatever did he touch you boobly boo that he's like I wish I went back there and and thumped his skull sure sure I mean that that guy's a very casual pedo I mean oh sorry just holding your son here like usually you pick him up and you make haste you get the hell out of there but he's like I'll take it slow I'll take it easy just pick him up grab a suitcase well I think it's an act casual play it cool whatever this is also by the way South Africa in 1971 so I think things were a little topsy-turvy over there not that they're killing it now but all right well it's funny to break that up because when I was in summer camp we all went to the aquarium one day and this guy I

didn't have any money and this older guy was like you sure everybody all your friends are eating you're not eating and I'm like we're there at the snack bar and I was like I don't have any money and he goes oh I'll buy you food and he bought me food and a drink and the counselor was like why is Mark sitting over there with that older guy and he went and got me and I could tell he was freaking out and I think that guy was gonna blow me or something oh my god pedophiles are so fucking weird and terrifying terrifying can you imagine being abducted you're in the back seat or whatever I know and then and then you you you still want to bang me like that's how enticing these kids are to bone like I'm crying I mean I got my duct tape on in the back I'm kicking and

screaming and you're still like I can't wait to bang this kid's tiny asshole yeah it's not good it's a it's a real mental health problem these guys I guess so yeah wouldn't mind a few more of them killing themselves but um sure speaking of speaking of uh you know sex with kids uh kids wear underwear and I wear underwear and today I'm wearing sheath underwear which is true I really am wearing sheath underwear I love sheath underwear and I'll tell you what I found another good use for sheath underwear I forgot my bathing suit when I went out to Marfa we went to a pool and I put some basketball shorts on over my sheath underwear and it really keeps the dick and balls in place when you get you know when you get out of the pool and you have basketball

shorts and everyone can see the head of your cock oh yeah very apparent well well sheath protects that it it keeps them nice and comfy they're my favorite underwear they have a two pouch compartment one for your balls one for your dick very supportive it's sexy looking and I love my and my wife by the way has a sports bra and panties she wears a matching she looks like a WWF wrestler it's very sexy I know you like that wait wrestler well the pro wrestlers they have like sexy top and bottom right yeah yeah they're hot they're hot yeah sheath it just feels good it looks good it's it's slick and it's that interesting kind of fabric you know so uh I love them I'm wearing them right now support this awesome veteran owned

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one of the I don't know what percentage of American men could ride in a car with their mother-in-law for 10 hours after hanging out for seven days and have it be fun and and delightful but really a great time and she's funny and she's got a million stories and you really she's one of those people that's just why she talks and you're like wow what oh my god yeah wow and how about this she's British accent British accent oh that's fun I had this moment she's about to be 70 years old she takes zero medicine my parents are 46 that taken 48 pills a day vitamins chewing things you know Xanax the whole thing and I had this moment where I was like I hope when I'm 70 I don't take any medicine and then I realized I take two acid reflux pills a day and a Tylenol PM so I'm already

I'm 38 I'm already taking four meds a day ah good point damn that's impressed she likes zen kind of hippy-dippy mantra I look to the stars and the rocks and the trees or is she just healthy I think she's just healthy she does a lot of walking and just they eat like birds this is another thing what do you think about this this is the thing we fought like cats and and cows out there they eat like fucking birds this family hmm they eat lunch quote unquote crackers and cheese oh what the fuck is that that's very British I think my family is the complete opposite we're doing four meals a day breakfast is waffles eggs bacon chocolate milk you know beer and then lunch you're doing a pizza dinner you're doing like a chicken parm then a burger or something crazy

right yeah you guys put it down I remember going to your house you just have a stack of cookies on the counter yeah we're eating a lot of food we have a dinner and then a post-dinner dinner and so after a while you start to get comfortable I'm like y'all are cooks this is fucking nuts I'm like you eat one meal a day it's the craziest thing I've ever heard of in my life yeah and crackers and cheese were like it's a tease is what it is it's crackers and teas I need a meat I need a protein I don't want to just eat a cracker come on what are we doing that's what they feed orphans it was insane I was like I gotta get a pizza and there was some pushback from her mother she's like well what are you talking about I'm like what are you talking about this is nuts now is she

boozing no they have like they have like a margarita they're like these kind of her sister mother these kind of ladies that they go have a margarita and they're like woo I'm tipsy and then that's it Sarah and I are just looking at each other being like you gotta be shit me I drink 48 of those fucking things yeah exactly man there's no excess with these people but maybe that's the key you know you always hear intermittent fasting right one meal a day and I live to be 500 years old so like maybe there's something to the the the small meals oh yeah they're they're fit as a drum but great trip we went way out to Marfa I mean this is west Texas seven hours west of Austin and uh I mean it's nothing out there and then you just hit this little town uh lots of little

artists but they're still a little COVID cuckoo out there and this is where I'm so grateful to be in New York where it was just insane for like six weeks early yeah and now we're kind of like all right outside there's nothing no one's getting it outdoors everyone's like you come inside you wear your mask you have a few feet apart yada yada but out there they're a little cuckoo oh yeah you walk into a place they're like just fucking wash your hands right now don't touch anything does a bookstore is closed and this is closed and that's closed so yeah it was a little little strange but it's a weird town because there's lots of artists and shit but then there's also like just poor old west Texas people like houses with holes in them and shit and like no lawns there's

there's crazy dogs everywhere it's like oh this is not appealing to me that you get the hot dust dogs housed with holes in it I'm out yeah that's why for this is another thing we were kind of going back and forth because they want to like retire out there they're like don't you love it isn't this sweet I'm like there's no hospital there's fucking two restaurants there's a lot of death to me it was neat I was like this is neat four days but I like some people I like some cheese I like some life that not to mention that's one of those towns you blow your cousin everybody knows about it you know you can't fart without the the pastor knocking on your door and going hey you left something back here it's too much yeah it was one of those plays and most places I go we always talk about

them like if I lived here I'd get I need a team I need season tickets to something like I'm like I live in Phoenix I'll go to Arizona state games or if I live in Baltimore I'll be on the Orioles or whatever Marfa I'm like what what are we doing here I mean yeah well what do you play shit kickers I mean I don't even know what what could you do out there there's no there's no grass well Big Bend National Park I'll talk about that we went there but even that is two hour ride it's a hour and a half two hours but spectacular so we went out there Big Bend National Park which is like half the thing is closed which seems crazy I'm like it's outside they're like whatever someone got covered there who knows yeah but we went down there beautiful hike I posted a million

photos on my Instagram and just a five mile hike and her 70 year old mother hikes the whole hike just wow out there hiking it up and it was it feels it feels like this family is very minimal you know it's like small lunch cracker and cheese all we need is this town all we need is a hike I need a TV I need a refrigerator I need a cell phone I need a laptop but I don't I need things I want to I want to eat a hot dog and an ice cream they thought I was crazy one of the day I got a full pizza for lunch and I was like no one else wants anything because we've talked about this before I don't want to share no I got the money I'll share the money I'm like I'll buy you your own pizza right this pizza's mine so I had to do that I'm like no nobody wants anything you're sure

and they're like no no we're gonna eat a pair of nuts and I'm like this okay this don't ask for no crust or a nibble yes I'm not I'm not frugal I'll buy 10 pizzas right but this one is mine exactly you you got me you're loud and clear you're you're gonna be it's like the the gun and uh what's that movie full metal jacket full metal jacket you have your pizza over this pizza is mine yes there are many like it yeah but uh it was cool one of the coolest things we got to see the javelinas you're familiar with this javelinas no no if you javelinas you got time to clean us well I guess it's a fancy Spanish word for a big wild pig I've been with a few of those well we were driving into big bend park and uh I had the eyes going

and everyone's looking for you know bears and rattlesnakes and mountain lions and I said what do we got here we got a little movement don't you like being the guy that spots the thing I love being the spotter you got the glasses on you got squinty eyes you can see a javelina from a mile away I go I got some movement here in my periphery I'm talking like that like I'm a fighter pilot or something I'm like heads up we got two bogies little bit of movement and as you you're speeding closer everyone's like what is it is it this and I'm like they're like it's not anything I'm like I'm telling you it's something my sensors are going off and they start screaming javelina I'm like I think it's a pig we had like a little thing I'm like those are pigs and like it's

javelinas and I'm like you're fucking half a half a retarder because that's a pig if I saw one but I don't know nothing but I guess it's a big brown wild pig and they've all been going there for years they never saw one so it felt good wow did you want to eat it I'm surprised you've been eating crackers all week I would have tackled that thing I wanted to fuck it because I'm sitting here with my wife all day and my my old granny mother-in-law is in the next room over I couldn't even finger myself right oh man that's tough 10 hour car ride you must have been whizzing or holding it a year and for about eight hours it was brutal as the other thing with these tallemashes they don't drink water they don't pee ever I mean how about this this is another

thing I gotta do a bit about this because this makes me fucking crazy these are Sarah's done this before and I almost fist fought her they'll ride in a car five and a half hours we stopped its piss some of them don't get out of the car I'm good I'm like crazy you don't want to stand no stretch no fresh air you're gonna get a blood clot you're gonna your legs you gotta move around you gotta circulate whore what are you crazy I'm with you sat in the car I mean the cookies thing I ever saw we went into a Walmart uh Sarah's sister needed sneakers she forgot her hiking shoes and I'm like I gotta eat so I went in there it was one of those super Walmart's out in the middle of nowhere they have a grocery store in the Walmart you can buy a fish you can buy a gun

yes crazy America so I saw and by the way how about this everywhere we went people were wearing their masks inside West Texas you think like people gonna have machine guns they're gonna not whatever mask on everybody so well I think we've all seen enough videos where like Karen gets pulled outside of a Bass Pro shop and beaten with knives you know because she wouldn't wear a mask and she's like kill all yeah you know so I think nobody wants to be on that video well the one though I saw one lady and and she was a big power forward for uh you know the New York sparks or whatever she had crazy blonde afro and she just had no mask walking around looking angry and she had a big shirt that said come and try to take my gun wow you're like this okay heads up there's that lady

there's a havalina yeah um but we stopped in Walmart I bought some bread I was just making PB and J's in the backseat I made four of them in a row just just pounding them good for you I felt a little judged but what can you do um but anyways I don't want to take up too much well I can come back to this I got some other stuff I gotta hear from you people want to hear about the drinking and I'm gonna get 48 tweets saying I hog the mic here well I still want to hear because isn't that crazy that you drive 10 hours or whatever and you're still in the same state it's almost like Texas is its own tri-state area it's like it's like three states in one it's insane I think they all fancy themselves as their own country and it feels kind of like its own country and it does if I

drive from from my home in Queens to my parents house I drive through four states to get there 200 miles four states right now Tejas and by the way oh oh sorry go ahead no I was just gonna say the tri-state area of Texas I guess is Houston Austin Mexico if all right you go I was just gonna say we drove west but we weren't even at the port like El Paso's another four and a half hours away or some shit crazy crazy yeah Dallas is basically in LA it's insane it's a cookie state and uh who knows all right I'll I'll I want to hear about all this because we're still not even out of Marfa yet so uh you know tell you know that old joke like your girlfriend's so fat you're all over you're still on her I feel like that's like Texas you the state's so big you keep going you're still

in it all right uh first off did some shows in indie I gotta say man everywhere I go there's Tuesdays in a in a manhole up on a tree in an alleyway I bump into a Tuesdays doing heroin or getting raped there's Tuesdays everywhere I go to Target I go to the post office they're out there and they're there there's there's peppered all over the country and uh went to I did a Jewish gig another like orthodox tassels whatever you call it the the yamaka the beard ortho docs so it's out in Queens Forest Hills and the guy was like you're doing 20 minutes clean clean clean like I was like well I did this on conies like that ain't clean I'm talking tonight show like don't say anything crazy and I was like all right all right it's in a backyard no women allowed

all men they don't clap you have to go up onto the porch and do your set and uh I mean it was so crazy it's in Queens it feels like another country it's just all these Jews they're smoking cigars they hate women and you go up on the porch and you just bomb under a like a bug zapper for 20 minutes and and if you do a joke that goes well they go very good very good they don't really laugh I mean it was tough but Jesus yeah but it was 20 minutes so I had a watch on I was just counting the seconds and I got a little dirty because I you know you're bombing so you're like I gotta go dirty I mean I gotta save myself here and uh a lot of shrieks I'm like oh oh and then the guy at the show he was a nice guy but he was like what the hell was that I told you to keep it clean I was

like I was dying up there and then he went up he talked about temple for an hour and killed but the reason I bring it up is it's in the backyards in the middle of deep Queens and a Tuesday is there what yeah and he's got the yamak on he's a redheaded Jew and he's like hey we're not all like this just just thanks for coming sorry about my people and I was like no no it's fine it sounds like he infiltrated he's got red hair he listens to Tuesdays with stories I think he's an imposter who heard about you doing some wacky Jew gig and he bought himself a hat and stuck it on there to get in is that possible he was convincing I mean he looked he looked jewy but there's some there's some redheaded Jews out there there's a couple

sure I've met a few in my day he's a junicorn but uh yeah I mean it was a tough gig uh luckily it was his other Jewish kid me and then the the headliner so I got to watch what the other kid did and it sucks because it's almost like Jackie Mason or or like a black comic or a gay comic where they know all this inside stuff about their people and I didn't so you feel so Goyish right you know Goyish man yeah like you see uh you see a Jewish guy like a Sam Merrill and you see me you're like hey we're the same we're both skinny white guys with fluffy hair or whatever but when you go up there and you you stand in front of them you are like oh I am not Jewish I am definitely a different group than you guys I think they lived it and they got

some kind of weird mom thing or something and I think there's some kind of when you come out of a Jewish woman it's some kind of it smears you with some kind of magic or something right yeah yeah you get the chosen placenta who knows but either way I got in trouble for going dirty but he still paid me and he's like hey if you want some other gigs let me know and I was like yeah I'll take them because they pay pretty well and it's fun to mix it up you know like you're you're at your home you jump on a on a queue train all of a sudden you're in another land in a backyard of a neighborhood with tiki torches and uh hummus so that's what's cool about comedy next thing I did Indiana Indian apolis great club great time great town Indianapolis by the way underrated for their uh like

what do you call those I guess it's the capital so there's a capital building there's a park there's a fountain there's a big memorial over here like they're downtown it's just beautiful with with like monuments and whatnot I went up in one of them one time one of them you can go into really yeah there's a little thing you can go up there all right so yeah I'm walking around downtown by the way not a lot of masks going on that the bars are open the restaurants are open it's crazy um interesting I ate in a Cudoba it was weird Cudoba yeah so uh the shows are fun great staff like you know those old school clubs where you go there and the staff you go out drink with the staff and they all know each other and every year you go back it's the same group yes that's what

that club is and it's kind of like a throwback it was fun so hung out with the staff killer staff killer club but Sunday flight 8 30 a.m. I go I'm just gonna suck it up Sunday get up early go to the airport and get home set my alarm for 6 30 and I go I'm not drinking tonight I'm gonna take it easy get a couple hours of sleep before my my flight set my alarm for 6 30 I'm gonna get to the airport for 7 30 and you know you get there an hour early 8 30 flight I wake up I go oh man it's early huh I look at my phone 7 40 oh come on I was gonna get I was gonna wake up at 6 30 I set the alarm and I go how did I fuck this up I set it for 6 30 every Thursday oh my god oh my god no I don't think I have I said the ampm yeah yeah I know I was like what did I fuck this up was it the ampm

was it the snooze was it the radio alarm I set it for 6 30 a.m. every Thursday morning somehow I put on repetitive alarm or whatever the hell I did so I'm you know when you when you wake up and you basically missed your flight you have that first thing like ah fuck I'm going back to bed I'll find another flight but then I'm like no it's COVID it's pandemic there aren't just flights willy-nilly no I just go I'm gonna take a shot hit uber uber says be there in 10 minutes this is a valuable 10 minutes so I throw my panties on I throw my my my poodle skirt on I don't even brush my teeth I run downstairs I'm just waiting waiting for the uber finally gets there after like 11 minutes now it's 10 or 750 go to the airport takes like 10 minutes to get there now it's eight

the the boarding starts at 805 oh boy I run in I grab my bag I go through security there's three people in line thank god for the pandemic and I run and I see the lady at the door like hitting the thing like we're about to close it and I slide in like first base I throw my uh my my phone she goes beep and I made it on but man it was terrifying I mean you missed that flight you just stuck it into you for a year yeah there's one flight a day now from all these cities major cities you gotta just start over the next day and wait till Thursday when your alarm goes off properly I know but here's the problem now I'm like holy shit I got an extra hour of sleep I wonder how much more I could do that like could I get away with that again

right well this is the old adage if you've never missed a flight you spend too much time at the airport no I like that yeah that's the real right right up your asshole speaking of up your asshole and our genitals we got one more sponsor if you can believe it people are really jumping on to the show here this one is manscaped the show is brought to you by manscape do you have a big hairy bush that's needs trimming I know I do yes oh yeah get manscaped they are the only men's brand dedicated exclusively to blow the belt grooming and hygiene precision tools for your family jewels folks uh manscaping that's it's not an easy thing to do obviously we've all been there we've all nicked our balls sliced our cock and had blood shooting out of our our assholes I mean

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is so nice to see a garage sale I don't see that anymore living in Manhattan or or you and Queens maybe maybe a stoop sale you'll get but I'm talking front lawn mom daughter son table knick knacks patty wax give a dog a bone just you know the little cash box they come up here's a nickel for that lamp good stuff very American I love those things yeah never tell me the time Sarah had an incident she had a stoop sale with a friend of hers they they teamed up or whatever it was a collaborative effort and they the what the other girl the collaboration brought she left her shit she's like here you watch my shit I'll be right back I'm gonna get us some sandwiches and while the chick was gone someone started looking at her jewelry and was like I'll take these

and Sarah was like give me three bucks for them the girl comes back and Sarah was like here's you three bucks I sold your earrings and she's like are you fucking kidding those were silver those were like some super silver sterling silver or you know joshua silver whatever the fuck silver yeah she's like those were she's like I'm sorry I don't want to be an asshole here but those are worth like a hundred bucks I was gonna sell for a hundred bucks and Sarah's like are you seared like she had that cold sweat the shakes you know yeah are you kidding she's like I'm not kidding she's like those belong to my grandmother they're from 1944 they were in the Holocaust and there's silver pancakes or whatever yeah and Sarah had to give her like 60 bucks what yeah so

Sarah was just in the hole she fucked up but the thing was like well you gotta tell me if you're gonna do the sandwich lady you gotta say hey whatever you do don't sell these fucking swastika earrings because they belong to you know Anne Marie Hitler whatever his broads name Ava Braun Ava Braun yeah wow that poor Sarah that's on the other girl you should have told me and you shouldn't be hocking that on a stoop nobody's gonna drop a hundo on some you know Claire's earrings that's crazy yeah so Sarah end up selling like all over shit but still being in the hole like 11 bucks because of these Nazi earrings well when you really dig deep into a stoop sale or garage sale what is really to gain I mean you gotta clear if you clear everything out

you'll probably make 300 bucks is that necessary I mean I guess it's better than nothing but you just sat out in the in the front lawn for 300 bucks like it just feels like a weird number to spend a day on well I guess you're gonna throw the stuff away anyways and recycle the plot one person's garbage is another one's gold or whatever that saying is yeah swain that's a good point it's it's keeping the shit going and maybe it's something to do you hang out you have a couple cocktails you each other out and you sell an earring there right you got a point the only the the the clinker is that most people who have a stoop sale if you wait till sundown they just put out in the garbage anyway so you can just uh you know snag it then and head home but that's

the gamble because you got to keep an eye out you like to stand there with the suit because all of a sudden it's you know 649 p.m. and then here comes Bose of the clown to come by a new wig and you just lost your wig good point good point yeah it's a gamble but hey none of nobody needs any of that shit anyway what do you need a you know like a ice hockey trophy for for a fifth grader well that'd be a good way to adopt abduct how do you say it abduct abduct a kid um well I don't the the marfa trip is one of those things you know you just it was beautiful it was fun it was great we were out there we had a nice time we did some hiking had some great meals they shot the movie giant james dean's last movie and they got the big cardboard cutouts out

there that's like a big fun thing oh yeah saw that on your your stories or whatever yeah and then there's a big art installation that you drive out to it says marfa prada and it's like a prada store in the middle of the desert that's supposed to be neat or whatever uh but here's the weird thing about this town marfa that is beautiful and I had a great time but they just I think we could do this with any town they're running like a weird racket where they just have like high-end art and clothes stores in the middle of this west texas town and it draws people to them they're like hey we're selling a blanket for 900 bucks here's a pair of four hundred dollar earrings it's a little strange like I'm from a small town in

mass I'm thinking about just opening an art gallery and a pair of expensive shoes and going yeah this is special interesting yeah well there's something interesting about the the expensive stuff being in a small town it makes it seem it's almost like that nightclub that doesn't have a sign you know you're like we got to go to that one and then something about buying something expensive in marfa feels feels wrong but it in a naughty way I don't know it almost feels like they know something over there we got to go over there it's hidden yeah it's a little strange and there's all there's a little bit of a small amount of political unrest there because there's all these mexican families that live in adobe's and there's all these signs that say like no chiaro adobe

wow all these people are coming in and buying up these old cement slab houses that these mexican families lived in then they flip them make them into arabian bees so hipsters like us can swoop in right and these mexican guys are going hey what the fuck is this I'm supposed to be I don't know doing painting houses or whatever and you just flipped everything and now my house houses are like three hundred thousand dollars out there what I swear to god I'm not even kidding you find like a two hundred thousand dollar house two hundred twenty five thousand there's not even a hospital in the town there's like three bars your your two and a half hours from the nearest quote unquote city your seven hours from houston it's a little yeah a little funky

I don't know this thing this ain't jealous something's up this feels fishy this it feels like a like a like a what do you call that like a runaway town you got to get to the border quick or you you know you diddle the kid in 81 and you got to hide out you know you want to be off the grid yeah it's a little off the gritty it's it's it's suspicious it's it's neat though I mean I had a great time I don't want to say like I didn't have a good time but it's suspect it's not a place that it didn't grab my heart and fuck my ass right right that's a t-shirt well Key West has that vibe you know Key West you're like it's a cute place everybody's drunk and having fun but you're like you guys all ran over a kid in in in the 90s and you got out of town that feels Key West feels like

a bunch of like convicts or people escaping Johnny law yeah outlaws but at least Key West is I mean first of all they have like a doctor's office a couple Starbucks you know a hospital an ER it's beautiful it's an island you know it's in the Caribbean there's crazy tourism and uh there's songs about it Marfa I don't know I don't know what's going on in Marfa we saw the high school football team play which was fun they play six on six because there's nobody fucking lives out there crazy six on six football it's that bizarre bananas well what's the mascot adobe the short horns instead of the long horns they got short horns that's cute there's that so then it's time to head back we drive back to Houston spend a couple days in Houston at at Sarah's mother's house which was

nice just good living I love that suburb living oh yeah that's nice as a kid who grew up in the city I'd go to the burbs and it was heaven they got this thing out there called the green belt and it's all these bike trails running trails through through the woods you can go in and out like miles of them yeah so we hop on we hop on bikes I bought a fucking $900 bike down there a few years ago because I didn't have a bike so we just went and bought the nearest bike and uh so we bike all over we go for runs it's beautiful nice living she's got a backyard and you you like the heat I don't mind the heat I'm like I'm gonna have a cigar out here it's 125 degrees it's oh you hate the heat you like the cold hate the heat I don't mind the heat it's 150 out there and again this is another

thing they think I'm great now that I talk about I think her mother might think I'm nuts but I sat out there had a cigar I mean it's 5000 degrees I'm pouring sweat but I missed my steam room yes so I just sat in the backyard had some cigars they poked their head out and like are you all right what's wrong with you you fucking I'm drinking a hot tea it's 130 I love it I don't know how you do it I mean you're inhaling smoke you got a hot tea and then the dry Texas sun beaming right on your ball sack it's that is not pleasurable to me well I liked it I liked the uh well at that point I needed a little isolation I like to ah we're isolators there's a lot of socializing yeah so then we're coming back Tuesday evening last week and we got a 659 flight gets in at 1130 not bad

I like a nice late arrival no big deal enough time to get home put your feet up watch a film whatever watch some TV excited to be going home it's been 10 days a lot of time gone ready to get back to my life flight 659 same as you I'm like we'll go early I always think what's the point of waiting at the house we're just waiting to leave we leave early 515 we're there at 530 walk right in zero people in front of me in line actually zero just scope right in love it we're sitting there we board the plane we're first class we get on first we're the first two on the plane big cushy seats we got live TV it's day two of the US Open I'm watching that having a nice time great trip sharing photos yeah mario and you just think there's nothing

gonna go wrong now with flights there's no there's no we were number 14 for takeoff there's no anything there's no traffic I mean literally there's one flight a day from Houston to New York right so we're sitting there and he comes on and just goes folks and you know you're the same we travel so much you can hear the tone you we know bad tone we know the tone so he goes we got a we got a bit of a technical issue happening here but we tried to signal to Atlanta the headquarters we're hoping they could troubleshoot it there they can't so we got a mechanic coming hopefully it's not too big of a deal and I have a six I spotted the javelina I got a six cents tone tone look I go there's a wild pig up my ass here something's this isn't good and Sarah's

like what she's got the headphone in she's like what do you mean I'm like we're gonna be here for a while I can tell you that bring out the cheese and crackers we're watching out the side as a van pulls up a truck they bring in the mechanics the mechanics in the cockpit he's downstairs he's underneath he's up my ass he fucked my dad and it goes on for about two hours and then this moment the flight attendant a little guy with the you know we all have our mask on he comes over and he's like beer or wine and I said uh I shouldn't do the impression of its offensive but I says beer beer or wine I go uh what good what's uh what's going on and he goes what do you mean uh oh and I'm like what do I mean we've been sitting here the planes but

supposed to leave two hours and we haven't had an update in two hours like what do you what do you think I'm talking about right right these flight attendants so cunty now he was such a cunt where I'm like you know with the plane are we are we leaving these like I don't know or whatever he's like I don't know I'm waiting to hear also and I'm like all right is this is unusual to have an announcement that we have a delay and then two out two full hours pass right I got anger problems I wanted to smash his face through the window I get it I get it yeah I I think you're completely right and they they don't have any tact or warmth now you know there's no like I know we'll we'll we'll figure it out sir whatever it's just like I don't know blow

me well so then he he went I just hated that he was like what do you mean like what do you mean what do I mean what do you think I'm asking you on a day I want to know how your your fucking parents are I'm asking about the plane you're fucking knit with exactly he I asked him he's like I'm not sure we're waiting to find out but then I don't know if this made me angry or happy but he went straight to the cockpit and then within like 30 seconds you hear hello folks this is the pilot speaking so the flight attendant must have gone can you make an announcement because this guy's being a little bitch right but by the way there's only six of us on the plane so the pilot comes on he's like the mechanics are working on it we're hoping to fly tonight long story sure another

half hour passes now it's a two and a half hour delay the flight attendant comes on he goes folks where they got it fixed it's uh we're good to go so I go great so now I'm like all right terrific another hour passes one full hour I could have watched the godfather two wow brutal after he said we're good to go one hour passes so I'm like what the fuck is going on I thought we were leaving just then so wait what time are we at now what are we at 11 at night all of a sudden now because it was 659 so we got this all started at 640 so now I think it's about 930 maybe or maybe it's 10 o'clock or so okay my times might be a little bit off because I think it's about just before 10 when he says this he comes on around 10 p.m and he says hey folks so maybe it's

10 my time's a little screwed up but he comes on he goes folks good news and bad news oh boy it's always more bad by the way well so he goes good news is we did fix the problem you are getting to LaGuardia tonight we're flying to LaGuardia so I'm like okay all right bad news LaGuardia is not a 24 hour airport they're closed I've never even heard of this in my life the airports closed he's like we have to wait until they're open our new departure time 1 45 a.m so this happens at like 9 50 p.m so we're like what we got a three hour delay on top of the three or four hour delay on top of the three hours wow and they're like you can get off the plane you can do whatever you want you can go home and come back but the departure time is now 1 45 a.m sarah texts her mom she's

asleep she's 70 years old eating crackers for lunch sure she's been in bed for for a half hour already so we get off the plane how about this though there's only six of us on the flight the flight attendant one of the flight attendants a nicer one he comes up and he goes hey I'm going to Taco Bell do you guys want anything ah what a guy because everything in Houston airports closed because nobody's in there he took his own car to Taco Bell he took an order like we were in college wow hey give me a bell grande weirdo he's like what do you guys want he writes it down and he's like if you think of something else just have him call me he's like the Taco Bell is 45 minutes away he drove 45 minutes to Taco Bell and came back because we have a three hours till the plane leaves

yeah so he came back he scooped around he tossed around some Taco Bell we had a little taco party in the plane nice finally we leave at whatever the fuck 1 45 a.m we get in at 6 20 or some shit so instead of getting home at 11 p.m. we got home at 6 30 a.m. oh my lord did you snooze on the plane now I can't snooze I tried to snooze I just sat there with my eyes closed like an asshole and second flight back I didn't fly for seven months second flight back seven and a half hour delay that is unheard of I mean it's good you got back but imagine why can't that flight ever happen when you're late to the airport let's say you were four hours late to the airport you're like oh I'm never making my flight you would have made it I know it's crazy good good point yeah brutal Taco Bell

man and then I did this thing this is where I'm a cunt I walked by and I was like boy it's too bad we can't fly to JFK like I did it like like they were gonna be like this wait what like they were like we didn't this guy just had a killer idea we could go to JFK but the guy's like that's not that easy and I'm like all right fuck you I know I try that all the time at the airport like oh you know it'd be nice if uh oh that flight's that flight's an hour earlier be nice if I could just switch it and the lady's like yeah yeah I know what you're trying to do dick let's get out of here yeah you're like all right all right I tried but anyway so happy to be back and uh it was a great trip really fun but now I gotta get back into the swing of things here because I guess we're just we're

just working out here now things are happening so September 16th I'm in Royersford I'm bringing some friends along you're not gonna want to miss it there's gonna be some really strong good special guests so come on out Royersford get your tickets early yes uh I got some dates too it's all on the uh the website and yeah I've been doing shows all over New York a lot of a lot of Tuesdays are coming out to the the tiny cupboard and the park shows and the New York comedy club is is bumping we did four sets last night all sold out it was pretty great so people want to see some yucks um and let's watch our specials YouTube spread the word spread the cheese spread the cheeks and uh yeah oh Strangers by the lake is up baby check out Patreon everybody's everybody's on board I got a

lot of great responses about it already it's uh we got a full audio commentary to Strangers by the lake and uh more queues come in we got all the extra episodes in there the live episodes are all on there tons and tons of bonus shit we've done so go get on that patreon and thanks to everyone that's joined it's the we're peaking right now so keep joining keep signing up and go watch a two hour movie about gay men with us talking over it I mean how can you miss that and get the movie I highly recommend getting the movie and watching it synced up like a period 10 seconds in we start you start and we're all in the same anal it's a good time good fun and uh I think that's it thanks everybody George is saying cut it and we love you yeah praise Allah queef it up and we'll see you at Marfa