Tuesdays with Stories! - #367 Charley Horse

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

We're back baby as Mark has an incident at an outdoor show with Ari Shaffir while Joe performs at a ball park and tries to figure out parallel parking. Check it out! Sponsored by: My Bookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays),  Gabi (gabi.com/tuesdays), & Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

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That's promo code Tuesdays at my bookie. Your winning season starts today only at my bookie. Here comes an episode. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories.

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hi, everybody. Welcome. It's Tuesday. If it's Tuesday, it's Meet the Press. Oh, you got a little pit stain.

What are you doing? You working out or is that just natural? I ran back to the hotel. I was hanging out with a bunch of, you know, choo-chee, douchey comics, some local queefs. And I ran back and just made it in time. I always feel like the pits. I worked out.

I'm going to the gym. I feel like a million bucks. I'm going to the gym. I feel like a million bucks. Yeah. I've been, you know, I've been running throughout quarantine and now I run and the gym is open. I run, I go to the gym, knock out a couple of, you know,

sets of whatever and... Eagles. It's, and it's quiet there right now. Yeah. So what's it like where you wear the mask or you go gay? What do you do at the gym? You go in there, you wear the mask. It's a little annoying.

They take your temperature, which is very, it feels weird because they just put a gun to your head. It's a little strange. It's very violent. I don't like it. I lean in and like lift the bill in my hat and then they put it on there.

And, you know, and they're wearing a mask. So it feels like they're sticking me up a little bit. Right. Oh yeah. That's a bit. Ah, come on. That's funny. I guess.

I don't know. But... It's got a date on it, but it's funny. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like there's a lot of like, I feel like I'm robbing the place. Right, right. But anyway, so they take your temp

and then you scan your little boop. You do the boop. And the annoying part is they make me fill out. I had a cunty guy too. They make you fill out the whole thing. Address, phone number, boobily boop, bippity bing. Which is a little annoying. So I walked up to the guy and I was like,

I feel like, you know when you're asking like, I think normal questions. And I guess in his defense, 75 people have asked him, but this is my first time asking. Right, right. So I go, hey, I just want to check my status with my gym membership. And he's like, what do you want to do?

That's what he said it. What do you want to do? And I was like, is that not the status of my gym membership? Yes, that's pretty normal. Okay, thank you. I need your help sometimes because I'm like, maybe I'm a fucking idiot.

But I'm like, if you worked in a gym and I was like, hey, can I check out? And I held up the boopy thing and said, can I check my status of my gym membership? You'd get it, right? Yeah, yeah. All right, we'll check the status. Let's see where you're at.

Right, so he goes, you're what? What do you want to do? And I was like, my status. And he's like, oh, so then I scan. And I was like, is my membership still good? And he's like, yeah, you're good till November. And I'm like, all right. So you know what I fucking meant?

You fucking asshole. You know what it is? If you really want me to break this cum guzzler down, here's what it is. He's got a shit gig. He hates himself. He's got a small clit. And he is looking for any inkling of you to fuck up

so he can have the power. And so if your sentence is slightly off, he's going, aha, I got him now. A what? What is that? And now you got it. Now you're on your heels going, oh, I just want to know. I'm sorry.

He's got something you need. And he knows it. And he's going to use it on you. I don't like it. And it's very frustrating. Shit, my fucking internet's unstable, it says. Oh, did I freeze? You froze like crazy.

Damn, I was on a roll there. I felt like. I know it felt good, too. I could feel it getting good. I thought it was your internet, but then mine said unstable. Well, you look fine, except for the face. Oh, jeez. I had to throw it in.

So then I said to the guy. So he goes, you're good to November. And I was like, all right, so just I assume I get the months back that it was closed. He's like, yes, you get your months back. And I was like, Jesus, all right. To me, I'm like, well, then so then it's good past November then.

Yeah. It can't be good in November. If I'm getting the months back, so let's do that math. But anyway, it was a little douchey. And then this one, maybe this one was on me. He gives me the sheet, and it says signature address, phone number, date. I sign and date it, and I was like,

if I got to fill out all the information, he's like, yeah, you have to fill out all the information, which was a little cunty about that too. But in my defense, how many times have you filled out a thing? And they go, just sign it. That's fine, that's enough. Yes, of course, especially when you've

been a member there for eight weeks. Yeah, we just booped a thing, a booper, that I can see has my face and address and all this. I'm like, you have all this information. So the signature should be fine, but the guy was a cunt. But anyways, I just go up there, and you wear the mask, and you spray down the machine or whatever. There's a few meatballs up there,

and all the locker room shit is closed, but everything else is good to go. All right, all right. Well, it's weird, because they opened what, Monday? I think so, maybe last week. I'm not sure where. Yeah, so they've been open for a hot minute, and I went to my rec center on Tuesday,

and that door was locked like a chick's diary, and I couldn't get in, and I was like, what the hell, where's Cuomo on this one? But I don't know, maybe they'll be open now. But I went, and I had the towel over my shoulder, I had a headband on, and some ankle weights, and that thing was locked up. Oh, geez.

Joe Joe Rabbit is frozen. Oh, you're back! I'm frozen, you're freezing. I don't know what the fuck. Oh, now it said my connection is unstable. So maybe we both got an unstable wife. I guess so, it feels like, no offense, it feels like it's gotta be more your,

because you're in a hotel. This is my wifi I use every day, all day, so I don't know what the fuck. It's probably me, damn it. Here's Shelby texting me, just keep going. All right, well, we're trying, but it's hard when you can't hear the other guy. Yeah, yeah, well, we'll try to make the most of it,

but it comes and goes, so I feel like we just ride the wave. Yeah, it's like herpes. Yes, outbreak. In and out, up and down. No, I'm rewatching 12 Monkeys, and that's when I was like, oh, it's a classic, I love it, and I do enjoy it,

but there's a little bit of cheese on my asshole after I'm done with it. Little overrated, I mean, everybody's like, Brad Pitt, he plays a crazy guy. I was like, eh, I could have done that. I don't know, he's pretty good. He's pretty good, but it's a little over the top, and goofbally, I don't know.

It's slightly over the top, I will agree. Upon rewatching it 20 years later, it's a little much, but by the way, and this might break up the party here, and you're frozen, hopefully you can hear me. I'm here. Bruce Willis, is he good? What's going on with Willis? Well, he's a leading man.

I don't know if he's good, but he's got chops, he's got a good face, he's got that smirk on the smile, he's bald, he's every man, he's not fat, he's not skinny, he's not tall, he's not short. He's just an action guy. Yes, he feels like an action guy, it's all very similar performances, the squinting, it's very squinty, and like, anything,

and in an action movie it works, but I mean, that movie's kind of actiony, but I'm just not sure he's real good. Well, if you watch him in Death Becomes-er, he's playing a comedic role, and he's good, so you're like, all right, this guy can hang, but I wouldn't say he's a Daniel Day, or a Gay Lewis or anything.

He's certainly a Daniel Day, they're playing different sports, but in this movie, 12 Monkeys, he's a little over the top, and I did some research, and Terry Gilliam wanted Jeff Bridges, which I feel like would've been better, I love Bridges. Yeah, Bridges is good, he can do it all, I mean, Lebowski to, what's that, no country, not no country, Heller Highwater.

Heller Highwater, then there was the booze one, the country music one that he won the Oscar for. Charlie Horse, something like that, Dark, Dark, Dark Horse. Sea Biscuit, but she was also in. Oh wow, he's in everything. No, what was that called, Dark? No, it was Horse, Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse, Crazy Heart, Crazy Heart.

Crazy Heart, there it is. We might've touched on this before, but there's one huge flaw in that movie, have we talked about it? No, I don't believe we have. I think we might've, but whatever. There's a sea in that movie, it's a great movie, great performance, the chick I find horrifically unattractive,

but that's neither here nor there. Who's it, Maria Bello? I think it's Gyllenhaal. Oh, she's gross. Oh man, I hate when anybody says, her brother's hotter than her. Give me Jake, I'd rather blow Jake. Yes, I would genuinely rather have sex with Jake

than Maggie. Yes, she looks like she's 21 or 88 at the same time, she looks like an old lady somehow. She should be living on Maggie's farm, she stinks, I hate her, but in that movie, great film, Duvall's great, but the scene, the final, the big scene where he loses the kid and it's his bottom, he goes to AA afterwards, he doesn't even drink. He goes and has like a sip of whiskey,

he's hanging out all day with the kid, he goes and orders a whiskey, he takes like two sips of it and he's drunk and they're like, have you been drinking, sir? And then he goes to an AA meeting, he's like, I was drunk when I lost the kid and it's so crazy because you're like, he wasn't drinking though, he had a drink, like a sip of a drink, they should have put

some real drinking in there. Huh, yeah, I don't remember that, but you caught it. Well, you watch it again, it's just like this weird flaw where you're like, they could have shown him with a flask or something and I'm like, he wasn't even drinking. Yeah, well, if we're going down the movie train, I just rewatched Idiocracy, have you seen that one?

Oh, fantastic and it came to fruition. Yes, I mean, I was watching on the plane on the way here and I was like, this is, that adds up, that checks out, you nailed that, you predicted this, it's killer and no one really talks about it, do they? No, I don't think so, it's very underrated and the first time I saw it, one of the best nights of my life,

me and Dan Balger in the old house and a story of that fucking penthouse or pig pen is what I meant, this penthouse and pig pen, I did penthouse. Definitely pig pen more. Yeah, it was a pig pen and were you ever at that house? I think so, was that the one with the Samoan? No, no, the other house, the old pink house

that was like way over on 20th Avenue, I don't think I knew you then. No, I don't think I saw that hellhole. No, I didn't know you then, it's so weird, it was horrendous. We couldn't even physically go into the kitchen after a while, it was so nasty. And then we had all these muscle magazine, like Ira collected muscle magazines

with these beef cakes on them and we would just hang them all over the wall and then one time I was watching JFK and there's the scene where they all dress up and do coke and fuck each other in the ass and I just happened to be on that scene and my landlord came over and he was like this big queen's ex-cop

and our house was covered in beef cakes and I was watching Gay porn, I swear to God, true story. That's great. It was insane, he was just looking around me like, oh boy, we got a little, so I think he just thought we were gay beef cakes, which is fun. Yeah, it is one in Queens.

But anyways, we one night, Bulger and I rented idiocracy, we were like, this looks stupid, let's watch it, we got high and we fucking howled, howled. So funny. And so funny and smart and he built that whole world. I mean, he had to come up with a world in this movie. I mean, the guy, Mike Judge is on another level,

he's so imaginative and just the little jokes are so good. I can't say one of them, because by the way, they say fag and retard like 800 times. And there's one scene where the colonel or the general is hanging out with a pimp and he's like getting to know the pimp really well and he walks in and he goes, hey, what's up my n-words to the hospital stuff?

I mean, it's so good, you gotta watch it, folks. Fantastic and it's crazy how dead on it is. Like it's like we're in it, we're in that thing. And what's the movie? They got like the big number one movie is just fart. It's called ass. Yeah, that's what it is. And then the TV show is Ow My Balls.

Right, right. No, it's pretty, pretty amazing. And man, I posted about it, but I just watched that movie, The Social Dilemma on Netflix. I don't know if you've watched that thing. People are clamoring, what do you think? I mean, it is horrifying.

We're all gonna be dead, it's insane. You gotta watch it, it's mind bending. It's a documentary with some horrible reenactments that are really cheesy, but you just wanna smash your phone into pieces. It's really horrible, we're like this horrible, you know, whatever you call it, experiment, yada yada, all the bullshit.

Oh boy, do I, okay, I'll watch it, I'm nervous now. Check it out, I mean, it's all the stuff we basically know already. Like all the stuff we've talked about, the phone, we're addicted, you know, we shove it up our dad's ass and he doesn't even come. It's that kind of stuff. All right, well, I'm too busy over here

watching cuties for the seventh time. So when I can squeeze that into cuties time, I'll do it. What the hell's cuties? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Cuties is this thing on Netflix, it's like eight year old girl's twerking and shit and it's causing quite a shit storm where everybody's like cancel Netflix

because it's a bunch of kids being sexualized. It's really horrific, but I mean, I can't believe Netflix put it out. It's like Epstein porn or R. Kelly produced. I mean, it's crazy. People are up in arms. Bobby Kelly producing docs again. Yeah, he's in trouble for this one.

Wow. But hey, I don't want Shelby, I don't want you to kick me in the balls here, but what if Mark pulled up the thing on his phone and talked from the phone maybe because this connection seems real goofballs. Would that work? Well, I don't know, text us.

Can we slide in the first 15 minutes and then go to phone? We could keep rolling. You could just sign in on your phone and then clock out of your computer. We could just keep rolling the whole time, I think. I can do that. I don't know, maybe it might be worth a try. I'm not sure.

Let's see if Shelby pipes in. Sure, he's typing. I hope. Confident, he dislikes me terribly, but. He's a tough nut to crack. He certainly is. Maybe we'll start up an ad in the meantime while we wait for the text.

Oh, wait. Keep going for now. My connection is fine, so I wasn't seeing what you're seeing. Okay, all right. All right. Yeah, I mind lumpy to you and sticky and weird. A little sticky, but not so much.

I've noticed I'll go on a tear and then there's like a two second pause and you're like, oh yeah, yeah. Like you're trying to get a flow. I keep getting all kinds of, you keep making frozen faces and you're about to have a load shot in your mouth. Ah, all right.

All right, we'll bring on the load. Well, in the meantime, we got a new sponsor and I'm excited about this. Oh yeah. Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Gabby Insurance. And you tell them the first half because I'm gonna bust in

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All right. I got a couple of things to go over with you there, Fatty. Yeah, please. So, I know we keep blowing this guy up, but Sol Joel is on a roll roll. I mean, this guy is cleaning up with his Royersford outdoor gig. And I had a free Sunday.

Ari said, hey, you want to go make some money and open for me? I said, hell yeah. Did I talk about this already? No, I think we mentioned it in the in the queef, but no, I want to hear the whole story. So, Ari is leasing a car. You know him, he lives by the seat of his Jew fro.

And I was like, yeah, let's go. He picks me up in the West Village. I hop in his whatever the hell Mazda Nissan thingamajiggy. And we just shoot out to PA. We get a couple of coffees on the way, hit the Wawa. Just a great old time chatting it up with a comedy fan or a comedy friend, I should say. We get there.

He sells that motherfucker out. They add a show. Now the big J getting pulled off stage, that boosted them into the next level. I mean, Sol Joel is cleaning up after big J's fat ass got ripped onto the sand. That's the best thing that ever happened to this club. Wow.

And just so fun to like, as we talked about before, opening is just cake, baby. It's pieces of cake. You go up, you do your hot 20, you're zinging, you're zanging. And then Ari's got to clean up the mess because he's all rusty, hadn't been on stage in five years. He's unattractive. He's off-putting.

And he kills. He's got some new stuff. I was blown away. He's cooking. Thank Christ. I know, I know. And then you talked to everybody after the people handing him drugs

after is a sight in itself. Now was James Madden there to MC? Yeah, yeah, we had James there. He's the best hostess with the mostess. And he killed it. And just some weird things happened. Like, the generator went out during James's set. And he like rolled with it.

He went Amish, Mark Twain style. Just started yelling, killing. And you know, just he's such a pro. Then I got up there and it was fine. Mike Pond is out there. He runs to the fucking Wawa. Got some gas put in the generator. And just the whole thing was killer.

But ever since the Big J pulled off a stage, Sol Joles got his head on a swivel. He's keeping an eye out for everybody. He didn't want to be hired a security guard. One guy, I don't want to get too into it because it got ugly, one guy is sitting on, he's watching the show on his knees. And Sol Joles like, what's up with this guy?

He's on his knees. I was like, I don't know. He's probably a homo, who knows. And Sol Joles like, I don't like it. He goes up to him and he goes, where's your chair? And the guy's like, oh, I left it in the car. And the guy's like, or Sol Joles like, what are you, you left in your car?

This is a show. You got to watch the show on a chair. And he's like, look, you want me to get the chair? I'll get the chair, but I'm watching the show. And he's like, all right. And he comes back and he's like, I don't like this guy. Something's up. He's shifty.

He's weird. And then Sol Joles looks over his shoulder. The guy's looking at Ari's Instagram. He's like going through his feed. And Sol Joles like, why the hell are you looking through Ari's social media? What are you doing? What is your deal?

And the guy's like, I'll get my chair right now. I'm so sorry. Why are you on there? What are you doing? Turns out he works for Live Nation. Something was up. So what do you suspect was up? I don't get it.

I'm confused. I'm not putting it together. I'm not a meter, but Sol Joles, he had it in his head that this guy was ISIS or something. And he's a D1 wrestler from college. He can throw it out. Sol Joles, he's a stocky boy. He's a husky.

And he's like, up in this guy's grill, his cheeks are red. And the other guy was trembling and he went and got a chair, came back and Sol Joles is standing above the guy. It was insane. Did he hit him with the chair? No.

Eventually the guy had, he had enough and Sol Joles like, you gotta go. That's it, you're out. I think he took a video or something. Sol Joles threw him out of there. Then they had a little bit of words in the parking lot and the guy left. This is fascinating because even if he's working for,

you know, VPN or whatever, Live Nation, why doesn't he have a chair? Doesn't he want a chair? No chair? Why no chair? It was very unclear and the whole thing was suspicious. He looked suspicious. Yeah, he's on his knees.

He's not gay. He's looking at the social media. Then he's taking photos. It felt like he was trying to like catch Ari in something. Yeah, I don't trust this guy one bit. Well, Ari's got some enemies out there. I mean, today's recording on 9-11, he's got this, you know, crazy video.

That's just, you're like, oh God, Ari, for God's sakes. Can I get a, can I get a breath being your friend? Ha, ha, ha, ha, I know, I know, it's funny. When he's on stage, it's nothing but Kobe. You know, hey, hey, Kobe guy. Hey, amazing racist. Like every horrible thing is coming at Ari and he's just loving it.

Ah, geez, well, he's crazy, but we love him. We love the goddamn guy and he's ugly as hell, but a sweet gal. We had a great ride back, just shitting it up. We hit Wawa, we got a bunch of cookies and bullshit and slushies and we made out and just had a great ride. Just one of those talk shit the whole way down, mask is down, pants are off, blow it him, just great time.

Yeah, he's fun and just a great guy to talk to. I saw him the other day, I had a nice moment. By the way, I'm there tomorrow night, Royersburg back tomorrow night. I think we got some good tickets sold too. And I'm bringing some special guests and he may even be one of them, you never know. He is, he's coming.

So if you missed that show, you can see him tomorrow night in Royersburg. I'll be there and Sarah and a couple others and it should be a good time. But yeah, so I was talking, I mentioned it on the Quiefe and you should get on the Patreon folks. We did a nice long Quiefe and the stranger by the lake is up there.

It's a hot one folks. It is spicy and fun and nothing but positive reviews on our thing, so we gotta do some more I guess. Let's do some more. One guy suggested comedian, but that's gonna be a lot of inside baseball and a lot of just us really getting down to the nitty gritty of comedy. So maybe it's good, I don't know.

Plus we can't beat Colin and Jerry's commentary, which has some of the best stuff ever. That's true, that's true. My, you know, my favorite line from Colin when Jerry says comedians shouldn't wear leather on stage. He's like, I don't know, maybe you've heard of a little special you might have heard of Chris Rock being the pain. It's pretty great.

And then of course the ending with the black guys. Yeah, it's beautiful. But any, any, any jizz. So I went down and did this minor league baseball stadium and forgive me patrons, you might hear some repeats here. I did Bridgewater, New Jersey, TD bank stadium or ballpark, whatever. It was me and Sam Merrill, Jared Freed

and Sam and I drove down together fun, fun ride masks on. You know, he's got an old booby or whatever. So you got to be careful, I guess. And he gets sick a lot. He's a, he's a vector or whatever you call it. Sure. Yeah. He's, he's, he's cautious, which is good. And you know, he was in LA, maybe he's traumatized, whatever. But boy, driving with that mask.

I got my glasses steaming up and every time he'd like look at his notes, I'd just pull it down to get a good breath in, put it back on. I'd be like, look, kids a deer. And then just rip it off and put my head out the window. But, but when you drive with a mat, it feels like you're in a heist.

You got three guys in there with mass saw and you're, you're hauling ass to a gig. It feels like you're on a getaway. Well, I gotta say that steering wheel was awfully high. I had to make it read for the people at home. See if it's down here. Nobody gets it. Sure. I went to UCB for one semester.

I got, I got a case of the giggles. I don't know what's going on. There's something in the air. It's the U.S. Open or BLM, something's happening. Yeah. Go for it. Oh, that was a muscle. Oh, careful there.

I worked out. I did the ball, you know, the big ball where you sit on it and you do the thing. Yeah. I really, that thing really gets you going. Yeah, it's good. It hits the abs. You're just stinging.

Yeah. It's a fun. I had a ball. Yeah. Good ball gag. Sorry. Sam and I drive down and I talked about this on, on the queef. I mean, this guy, he wants to bounce bits.

He's got a million bits. He's got a new hour. He's got this joke and that joke. And he goes, what? He keeps saying, what do you got? And I'm like, I got nothing. He's like, I know, but let's bounce some bits. I'm like, I literally have nothing.

I told you everything I got. And he's just so good and like, he's bouncing these jokes that you're like, Jesus, that's great. That's amazing. Never heard that. That's amazing. One of the best.

One of the best. So the whole ride, I'm like, you know, you do that thing where you're like, all right, I got to get back at it. I got to email some bookers. I got to do some shows, blah, blah, blah. And I've added a bunch of dates. I got to remember to plug my dates

because we haven't done it in so long, but we get down there. And so I texted the stand, the booker of the stand. I was like, you got to get me some shows. And I went Wednesday night, I'll tell more about the ballpark in a minute, I guess, but Wednesday night this week, I did the stand, drove the car in, went and bought a garage spot.

I got a garage spot taken care of. Wow. Nice and exciting. So I don't have to worry about that anymore. So I drive to the stand and the stand, you know, you could just pull right up and park there. There's no, there's no one there. It's all offices over there.

So I did the stand and hot show. Great show. I mean, it was set up like a, like a, it's set up like a club, you know, I mean, you've done it a couple of times. Yeah, I bomb every time. No, these were good. They were there to see comedy.

And I had a sweet spot. I had a nice sweet spot. We could talk about that off mic or whatever, but they were, they were pumped to see me. And they were, they were good. You followed a weak act. I'd rather not say, but it was a good, good spot for me. And Ari was there, went and saw Ari and did a bunch of new.

And it was the first time the new was hitting. It was really popping and hitting. And so I was like, all right, I'm back here tomorrow night, which is, you know, yesterday, our time. And of course it got rained out. And I was all pumped to use the garage spot, go to a spot. And now tonight I have a spot on zoom. And I had last night was a rain out Sunday I got off.

And so now I'm back to just one spot a week. And all my momentum's gone. But all that to say is I got to see Ari and the same thing, even a half hour of Ari, you shoot the shit, you talk about this, you laugh about that. He's just a good guy to see. Yes, good guy. He keeps it real.

That's what I like about Ari is he's, he's, we don't have to do a whole up on this heave, but he keeps it even keeled. Like he's like, yeah, Chadwick, Chadwick Boseman died. What's the big deal? I'm like, I know everybody's like blowing this guy. All of a sudden like they, they got a Boseman picture on their wall.

Like I've never heard you mentioned Boseman once, but he dies and we all got to pretend of, you know, like we fucked him in 88. But I get it. You know, you got to go with the flow now. If you, if you, if you don't step on the right cobblestones, you know, people come at you. Well, I'll say this about Chadwick, 43.

I mean, I was, that was one of the most shocking celebrity deaths I've ever heard. I agree. It's horrible. I'm not saying it's not horrible. And then the fact that he held onto the cancer and didn't tell anybody, I think it was very noble. That's unheard of now.

Now people get molested. They can't wait to write a one man show. Well, it was shocking, but here's the thing with Chadwick. I did a little IMBD or IMDB. I am douchebag. I am legend. And I don't think I've ever seen a film with this fella in it. Black Panther?

Didn't see Black Panther. Not a comic book guy. I didn't see 42. That seemed over the top in goofballs. 21 Bridges was like 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yep. And I don't know what else there was, but I think I saw zero of his movies.

Yeah. I mean, he's a good actor and he seemed like a cool dude, but, and I think he was like big for the black community because he was the Black Panther and that movie was huge. But yeah, I don't know. Every Tom Dick and Honky's like, ah, he was an inspiration. I'm like, you've never met him. Shut up.

The way he's reminded me of one of the best early Seinfeld lines where they're getting the note from the doctor and the doctors, he goes, oh, holy field. He goes, yeah, he's a patient of mine. You like him? And George is homophobic and he goes, I don't like him. He goes, why don't you like him? Well, he's a nice guy and a good fighter,

but I don't like him. It's like one of the best slides. One of the best slides ever. Wow, that is a great line. He's a good fighter and a nice guy, but I don't like him. That was, I think it moved, right? Yes, exactly. And George is a great, Jerry is a great line

in the beginning of that one where he's getting a massage and he goes, what do you think the worst part about being blind is? And the lady's like, I don't know. And he goes, I think it's not knowing if I have bugs in my food. I love that. And I'm like, oh, that's such a great throwaway Seinfeld

and just riff. So good. It's awesome because during that, George is getting the massage from the dude and it's a whole. I feel like you couldn't even do that anymore. No, no, no. That whole episode would be cut, but anywho. I've had two weird fan and not fan,

but like interactions with non comics. In two days, I had these. Let me throw these up your pooper and see if it gives you a colonoscopy. So one, I'm doing a show in Cooper Park. It's way out in Bushwick. You know, the standup New York guys, they're doing shows on the moon.

They're doing shows in Bin Laden's cave. Like they'll go anywhere with a show. They don't give a shit. So, and I'll go too. So I take the hog out. I go to this Cooper Park, park in the middle of Bushwick. Kids are running around, families is like a quinceanera

and a barbecue. And there's three people in the audience, pretty brutal. And I'm waiting to go on. I'm like sitting on the hog, looking at my notes. And this, I'm taught when I say hipster, this gal has blue hair. She's got thick glasses, tattoos on her neck, crazy, you know, bracelets, you know, weird,

Amish Denimie kind of dress, big boots. And I was like, oh boy, here we go. This is gonna be ugly. And she goes, I saw your special. And I go, oh yeah, yeah. Lay it on me, Fanny. I can take it, whatever you got. And she goes, I gotta say,

I'm at an AA meeting right now in the park. And I saw you over there from afar. And I had to go talk to you and I said, all right, this chick's gonna really read me the right act. And she goes, I wanted to hate you, but I thought you made some good points. And I really liked it and that was all. Now I'm gonna go back to my AA meeting.

And I was like, wow, all right, thanks. But what is the, I wanted to hate you. What is that? That's what I was gonna comment on because I know it's a relief that she didn't, you know, take a shit on your face or whatever, but that would still bother me. You wanted to hate me.

That's what kind of life you're leading. I would say get back in that meeting too sweet because you need it, lady. If you're walking around wanting to hate people, who wants to hate? I don't wanna hate. It's a weird default and then get out of there. Like I had to get out of that hate hole

that she had made for me just off some preconceived notion or profiling or whatever you wanna call it. Why do you wanna hate? Is it my face? Is it my outfit? Is it my voice? Look, they're all bad, I get it. But the wanting to hate, it's a weird,

maybe that could be a bit. I wanted to hate you. Why would you wanna hate anybody? Yeah, that's very strange. Something, definitely something there could be a bit for sure. Oh, but just reminding me of a premise. Remind me of a premise that,

I had a premise that has nothing to do with that, if that makes sense. All right, all right. That doesn't remind me of the premise. It reminds me that I had a thing earlier that I was like, I gotta remember this. All right, well, yeah, that just struck me as very odd. Like, it's, well, it was almost a little combative.

Like, hey, I wanted to hate you, but you won me over and I let it slide. You know, it's like, all right, I'm glad I, you don't hate me anymore for no reason. Very strange. You wanna say, well, what's up with the first part, you fucking weirdo? I know, I know.

Like, I'm the bad guy. Like, I wanted to hate you because you're such a piece of garbage, but you pulled it around. I'm like, all right, glad I pulled it around, but still positive at the end, so I'll take it. Even if she said, I thought I was gonna hate you. Yeah, all right.

Like, I never watched the, Hannah Gadsby, Woe Nelly, or whatever the fuck it's called. Woe Nelly. What is it called? It's called Nan Tucket. I can't, Naners. Nanette, Nanette.

It was called Nanette. Yeah, I never watched that. Sarah watched it and she said it was actually pretty good. She's like, there's some jokes and it's funny and then it becomes quite compelling. It's not really stand up yada yada, but she's like, it is compelling and good. I haven't watched it.

Maybe I will someday, but if I watched it and enjoyed it, I would be like, I thought I was gonna hate this. I wouldn't say I wanted to hate it. I don't watch something too hate it. Everything I watch, I'm like, I wanna like this. Maybe that's what she meant. Maybe because she's like, oh, this guy's some kind of douche.

Look at him with his haircut and his face and his voice, fuck him. He's some like bro-y, cum-guzzler. I don't know, but she's like, yeah, I thought it was good. So I think that might be what she meant. Maybe that's what she meant, okay. I'm hoping. By the way, the Hannah Gadsby thing,

I never watched it either, whoa, Nelly, but all I heard was that she was like, I'm quitting stand up, stand up is bad, it's evil, I'm out, fuck this shit. And then she did another one and it stunk. She did another special. So I'm like, I thought you were quitting. What are you?

Does stand up suck or does it not suck? That was my whole beef with Nelly. It's a little confusing, I guess, but that was a little unusual. Another great, because stands a line. I wanna hear the second interaction, but let me just toss this out there. This was the, your premise reminded me

that I had a premise earlier today that I have now twice seen two different kids, two separate individuals, teenagers, in my neighborhood. You're gonna say that must be the same kid. Different kid, I'm saying. Two teenagers, two teenagers riding their bicycle with no helmet, no hands, looking at their phone. Wow.

Just like a unicycle looking at phone, just like, now the helmet thing, I've never worn a helmet in my life because I'm not a fucking douche, but you know, a teen maybe put a helmet on, you're riding in New York City, and this is New York, by the way. This isn't when I'm on the road,

up my father's ass in Whitman. I'm talking in Queens, New York, on the sidewalk, which is illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk anyways, but he's riding not using hands, helmet, or eyes. Wow. Two different individuals. Wow, I've seen- Ah, you froze. Ah, shit, that's crazy.

I've seen the wheelie guy looking at his phone, but he's still got one hand on a bar. I've never seen no hands phone, that's crazy. That's asking for it. Yeah, and the second kid, which was earlier today, he hit a sidewalk bump and the bike went like, you know when Jim Carrey's on the motor scooter coming back and it does that fucking-

Yeah. It happened, that happened, and I saw the kid just go like, whoa, like cuckoo face, and I said, I was like, you gotta hold on. And Sarah and I got in a beef the other day because I was yelling at people for crossing the street, and she's like, why do you have to try to control everybody?

And she's probably riding on a piece of shit, but I was like, that one, I'm sorry. That's a child riding a bike with no hands and not looking. He could kill us. Right, yeah. I'm with you, and he could really, also get off the sidewalk, get in the street and get hit by a car.

Will you, you pipsqueak? I mean, the sidewalk is just nothing but people. That's crazy talk. Ah, it looks like I froze again. I missed it, but I heard pipsqueak, and I haven't heard that in a long time, and it got a good chuckle out of me. Well, I'm just saying, get off the sidewalk,

is what I'm saying. Like go do that shit in the street and get hit by a dump truck, but don't kill a grandma while you're on your phone on a Huffy. And what a bummer, and it's hard when you're young, you don't know shit from Shoe Shine or whatever that thing is, but.

Shineola. Right. It's crazy to be like, you're like, you could die at 13 because you're like, ah, I didn't feel like holding onto the handles are looking. It's just like, what are you doing? Fuck it. You're a nitwit.

But any jizz, I wanna get back to the second fan interaction. All right, well this one was all positive, all day long. So, I love an old beamer. I love old cars, like I like an old BMW, and this kid, cool looking cat. He's like a, you know, kind of a scruffy guy. He looks like maybe a drummer in a rock band.

He's got longish hair and a flannel on, and he's really, you know, hot riding this beamer around town, cool old beamer, and I'm walking down the street with my headphones on, and I go, and he's got the window down, and he's got some other cat with him, and I go, hey, oh man, that is a badass car. I love that car.

What year is it? And he goes, what year? It's Tuesday. And I go, whoa. He goes, Mark Norman. I go, yeah, that car's lunch. He goes, thank you. I love the pod.

I'm a big Tuesday. I love lists, the whole thing. And so now I'm jizzing on the car. He's jizzing on the pod. Wow, that's a lot of jizz. Yeah, it was. I was covered. It was a bukkake of compliments.

And just a fun thing is in my head, I was like, I like the car. I'll keep moving. But I was like, ah, fuck it. I'm gonna tell the guy. And he turned out, he was like, what, what, Tuesday? Ah, it was great. It was a great moment.

That's great. By the way, my bukkake, that's a next week's sponsor. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, my bukkake. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Bukkake, reverse bukkake, as we, as everyone knows, my number one sex fantasy. I really want some lady jizzing right in my fucking eye. Yeah, that's pretty hot.

My gal really likes jizz, like you're shooting. She's like, ah, it's, it's like a, she won an award. It's like confetti to her. Yeah, that's how I feel like I would be. I mean, I'd be all in that. Yeah. Any kind of like business I really like, you know, the wet pussy, asshole, stink, you know, just give it to me.

Squeeze it right into my mouth. Yeah, yeah, now I'm with you. I love that whole region. I want to lick all up and down the taint to the badge, to the butthole, back and up, and I want to paint that fence. Yeah, give me some fluid. I like fluids, just all over the place.

Fluid is good. Yes, the bed should be ruined. Ruined fluid. How about the, how about this one? So I had a couple, the wife or the lady, she had a few friends over. We were entertaining, which is a lot of work for the BF, but whatever.

So she had some friends over and of course, much like every sitcom cliche, she was like, oh, we need tinfoil. And I said, I'll get it. So I fucking hopped up, I put my shoes on, I grab a beer, put my headphones in, now I'm out the house, but I'm not being an asshole and dodging the party

because I'm helping, I'm getting the tinfoil. So I go to like eight places, it's fourth of July, what is it, not fourth of July, Labor Day. Oh yeah, Labor Day. So I go to CVS, we're out of tinfoil, everybody's grilling today, they got the tinfoil. All right, I go to Rite Aid, we're out of tinfoil.

I go to this bodega, I put my beer outside, by the way, New York Manhattan was like bumping. You know, the Christopher Street gays are going crazy and the trans people are going nuts and the Puerto Ricans are shooting their pistolas, like it's a holiday. And I put my beer out on this little ledge before I go into the bodega, go in, get the tinfoil,

took two minutes, my beer's gone. Some hobo grabbed my beer, I was like, hey, full beer. And he moved on, I kind of respected it. Yeah, that's kind of nice actually, you provided a service, you gave a guy a beer, cause you can get another beer, a couple bucks, whatever. Yeah. You know, that's nice.

I went back in the bodega, bought a beer, but it was just, it was like a cartoon, like beer, tinfoil, no beer. Wow, I felt similarly today, I had a, I bought the parking garage, but I was parked in the street and I said, I'll put it in the garage later. But I was like, no, I'll move now,

cause there's a street cleaning coming up. I'll move the car and I'll give somebody this spot. I felt like I was doing service. I was like, take this spot, I got a fucking my own garage over here. Wow. It felt pretty good. That's really good.

It felt pretty good. That's a kind of a power move, but in a good way. You're like, I'm giving this guy my spot, cause I got one already. I had, I mean, I got parking adventures up the ass over here. The other day, I talked about it on the queef. I mean, I looked for parking for one hour on the way back from that gig.

I dropped Sam off. We had a great talk, great hang, great show. And you're frozen in the funniest possible position here. Or maybe you're not frozen. Maybe you're being silly. Oh, okay. That was a good gag. Ah, good gag.

Hey, ball gag. Love a gag, love sucking dicks, love eating ass of a male. So I drive back with Sam, great show. He kills, freed kills. We're in a ballpark, which is so exciting. Cool. And just really neat. Got to see Beth from the tour manager, Beth.

Ah, love Beth. Ah, so lovable, so cool. My agent was there. His agent was there. Anyways, we get back. I dropped him off great night. I looked for parking for one full hour. It was Labor Day night, 60 minutes of driving

past my house, these folks that live in the suburbs. You don't know what it's like in this shithole. Yeah. So I finally found a spot. Had to move it at 8.30 AM, which is gay. Then you had to move it again a couple of days later. So I went to move my car and you always have that moment of like, just relax.

It's not going to be as bad as last time, but it's traumatic trying to move the car. Because when you're just circling for spots, I move the car. First turn I take onto 36th Avenue, I see a car backing into a spot, parallel parking, and you go, fuck, I could have had that spot.

But I had this mental thing where I'm like, don't worry, there's nothing I could have done. I got in the car, because you start doing that thing if I had left earlier, if I had ordered my food earlier, if I had eaten my mother out on Valentine's Day, I would have been able to get that spot. Oh yeah. But as the guy's backing up,

I'm just driving forward slowly. I'm not cutting him up. He stops and quits. Like, I think he thought I'm too big to park here. My car's too big. He just quits and drives off. I swooped right in. It was like magical.

Wow. I don't know what happened if he had a change of heart or a change of heart or his confidence got thrown or if he thought I was a bully or what, but he was backing up and then just went, fuck it, and then just kept going. I took that spot. It was beautiful.

Oh, that's never gonna happen again. You gotta cherish that, but it was an 830 AM spot, so you almost can't even enjoy it. Yeah, it's a little crazy, but you know what's nice is then you find parking, you move the car, you don't wanna move the car, but then once you do, you're like, it's 830 AM,

I already got shoes on, I'm out and about. So that was nice. That's true. And I've been meeting up with Vita and his big fat baby, and we're having a hell of a time out here. All right, there you go, two men and a baby. Yeah, I'm Uncle Joe over here. We're doing all kinds of bits, and we got both of our heads are squeezed

into the little stroller, it's pretty classic. Oh, that's great, cut it out. It's a nice two-man operation, and the kid's the size of my fucking, my Uncle Dale. I mean, it's huge, his forearms are like my calves. I wonder if passerby's think you guys are a couple of gays with your adopted weirdo. I never thought of that, I'll take it.

I like being gay. Yeah, everybody loves two gay dads. I mean, that's a sitcom. My father's gay. But yeah, it's been pretty nice. So I got a garage spot, and the guy's really cool, his name's Q, and he's like, he's cool, you know? He's like, yeah, you come in, you drop off the car,

you text them when you want the car. You say, you text car, and then when I get over there, my car's waiting. That's amazing, wait, so let me get this straight, I got a lot of garage questions. You have a garage spot all the time for a month. For six months, I paid for six months up front. I said, there you go, get me six months,

and I'll see you later. But it has to be that garage, or you can use all of them. No, it's that garage. So I went to one garage down the street from my house, and that guy's like, we got spaces available, we're running a special for short money, and I was like, great, and then I went over there, and they close at 10 p.m.,

which defeats the purpose of the garage. The whole point having the garage is driving home late, yada, yada, and I even went downstairs and talked to the guy, and the garage is the size of your apartment, legitimately. And it's all the hydraulics, where they lift one car and put a car underneath that car, and I don't like that shit. I don't want people fucking around, it just seemed too weird, and they close at 10 p.m.,

so we said, thank you, no thanks. Found this other one, this one closes at midnight, which is still not ideal, but it's midnight because of COVID, and when COVID dies or whatever, it'll go back to 24 hours. I hope they give you a cheaper rate if they close at midnight. I'm not sure, it wasn't bad, it wasn't horrible.

So yeah, so the key lives at the garage, I text them, they go get it, it's waiting, and then when I drop it off, I just give them the key and say, hi ho neighbor. But it's by your house, I assume. Yeah, it's right by the train station, it's like a couple blocks away. Wow, all right, that is peace of ass,

peace of mind right there, and then you go to the stand, you just park in the stand, then you go back home, you park in the garage. Exactly, and it takes away all those worries, and as you know, this city has changed, so I like being in my car. I mean, the subway late at night, it's like fucking the war is over here.

It's a jerk fest is what it is, it's the jerk store, it's just people yanking it all day on the B and the D, but are you having car regrets? No, no regrets, I love the car, it still has the new car smell somehow, cause I haven't eaten fast food in the air or eaten anybody out or smoked any cigarettes, so it's still got the new smell,

and the other day, you know, I was stressed and dealing with fucking showbiz and family and all this shit, and I went, this is kind of funny, it was the night I went to the stand, I get into the car and I got serious XM radio, I got fucking Springsteen from like 1974 or something, and I got it cranking, and I'm like nothing matters, I'm in my car, the whole thing,

and I get up on the ramp, Queensborough Plaza, and I mean, I'm rocking, it's blasting, and I'm going to the stand, I just texted Ari, I got a spot, I'm talking to him, I go around the big loop on the bridge, take that corner, and it is gridlocked. Ah, I hate the grid. Bright red lights, I mean insane,

just stop traffic gridlock, but, you know what I mean, I'm meditating, I read all the Zen, the horse shit, the bullshit, stoicism, and I'm like, I cannot do anything about this, I put it into Google Maps, it says 28 minutes to the stand from the bridge, normally that would be about 12 minutes, but my spot's at nine, I look, it's 803, I left early,

and I'm like, I'm going to make it, I'm going to make it with plenty of time, still got the music, and then I just sat in the bridge, we moved like little inchworm fucking douchebags, and then once I got to 2nd Avenue, wide open, sprinted right down 2nd Avenue, fucked my dad in the ass, my mother in the mouth, and had a great set.

Hey, that's a great action pack night, I gotta tell you, I took the flight here from Newark, Newark was packed, I think people are a buzz again, it sucked, I got to Newark, I was like, all right, I'm sure I'll be the only guy here, whiz right through the security line, packed, had to wait in line, they got the dogs going up and down,

where that dog, you're like, I don't have any drugs on me, but I've had a lot of drugs in this bag, my asshole smells like Coke, my dick smells like Molly, I feel like I'm fucked, I hate that dog, I don't trust it. I don't like dogs in general, let alone a fine trouble dog. Yes, exactly, I've had shit in my asshole before,

I don't shower, my mouth smells like pussy, something's gonna give, but I did the thing with the dog where they go, all right, you gotta walk by the dog with two people, like you and some old man walks by and the dog goes up the middle, and the old guy kept fucking it up, he would see the dog and be like,

oh, oh, oh, he's like 900 years old, and so they're like, do it again, do it again, and now, because he's my dance partner, I gotta do it with him, so the old guy is just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you're doing this shit, I'm like, cool it pops, you gotta blow this Rottweiler up the ass, and we're gonna be here all day,

it was like a commercial shoot and he couldn't get the take right, and we did the dog walk six times. What are you talking, what are you in Kabul, what airport is this that they have a dog for a security system, I never heard of dog security. Every now and then at Newark, I don't know why, but they have a dog walk up and down on a leash

with some lesbian with a bulletproof vest on, and she's giving this thing treats, and it just sniffs your tits and your bag and your taint, and if it goes, you're going to jail. It's a horrible system. It sounds like fucking Islamabad or something, I mean, that's not an American airport, what happened to the thing where you walked through

and you put your hands in the, that's still there. That's security, this is on the line, this is on the line to security. Oh wow, so you had the Juju spin laser thing and a dog. Yeah, the dog is in the line and the line was so long, that dog could take a piss on your shoe,

it could lick your, I mean, it's got time, it could, you could teach it to sit, and then you get up to the register there, whatever you want to call it, and the guy goes take your mask off, all right, that's you, thank you, and then you go do the whole rigmarole with the computer out and the shoes off and the belt off,

and then the woo-woo, and then, yeah. I don't like this one bit, but I'm glad you made it safely, but yeah, I mean, they said, I think it was like 900,000 people traveled on the Friday before Labor Day, which is the most, in whatever, maybe it was 900 million, I don't know what the fucking number was, but it was some crazy number and whatever,

and now restaurants are gonna open in a few weeks here, which might mean cellar and stand spots, we'll see. Let's hope, now let me ask you this mask question, because this is where I become a cunt and everybody hates me, but I just want to know and I want to understand. Sure. Okay, so I know friends, we have friends

who are COVID crazy, I got them in my family, they're just like, I'm not going in anywhere, I'm not leaving the house, I'm not touching a dick, anything, and then they're like, restaurants are opening on the 30th, we're gonna be able to eat inside, I'm like, yeah, yeah, but COVID doesn't know that it's legal now, like what's the difference in safety?

Why, like if I go eat at a restaurant in Houston, and then everybody goes, what are you crazy, you're eating inside? I'm like, well, they allow it, I don't know, but when they allow it on the 30th, you're gonna eat inside, but COVID is still there or not there, it doesn't know that there's a regulation. You see what I'm saying?

Of course, I mean, if your point is that these rules are a topsy-turvy and kooky and wacky, well said, I mean, it's very strange, you can sit in an airport, but you can't, an airplane in an airport, but you can't sit in a restaurant, it's a little bit confusing, I guess. The restaurant thing is, because they're like nightclubs and bars will not open

because those have been more tied to outbreaks and shit, I think because people are closer to each other, they're standing at a restaurant, you can sit people further away. I don't know exactly, I guess the restaurants, it's gonna be 25% capacity, so they'll put those people over there, but I agree with your point

that there's a couple of weeks difference from one to the other, it's interesting, but New York to me, and we've talked about this before, we've now been testing it below 1% or 1% for over a month. So the thing is in New York, you're like, and I felt this, I've talked about this before, it is, people have this idea, if you just get people together, COVID will be created.

Yes, yes. Somebody in the group has to have COVID. Right. So most people in New York don't, but of course travel is open, so someone could get it in South Carolina, come here. It's obviously tricky, I get it, it's very strange, and no one knows what to think or what to feel,

but yes, you're not crazy, there's a lot of things that you're like, why this, but not that, and why that, but not this. Right. So it's tricky, but I wanna keep being as safe as possible, but I was at the stand the other day, and I was talking to Saifah Sounds and Will Silvence, and Saifah's just like, I don't care,

I don't have COVID, he just took his mask off, and I was like, yeah, me either, and the three of us kinda just chatted for a minute, I mean, the windows, the doors are kinda open, and it was three minutes, and we were a few feet apart, but I don't know, I get it, I get that feeling of like, I don't know, you kinda poke down and go, yeah, this is crazy.

Right. I don't know, it's extended time indoors, I guess, and who knows what the fuck, but I play the game, you know, I wear the mask, and inside, I don't wear it outside so much, unless I'm passing somebody, and blah, blah, blah, boo, boo, boo. Sure, yeah, I'm with you, I'm with you,

but I just, you know, you got a common sense, pops in every now and then when you go, but we're doing this, and this is okay, but that's not okay, but they're actually the same thing, but because that's the rule. So yeah, I play the game, I try to go by the rules, but yeah, a lot of it is, as you say, topsy turv. But hey, we're just trying to get by,

we're trying to keep everybody safe, and we're trying to go gay, so I get it. Strange days indeed, and I gotta plug some shows, which I haven't done in a long time. Please, I haven't heard you plug a show since 88. Well, this Wednesday, tomorrow, tomorrow, I am in Royersford, PA, it's Joe Liston, friends, should be fun, good ticket sales,

so get them in if they haven't sold out already. And I'm doing Worcester, Massachusetts, next Saturday night, September 26th, two shows, seven and nine, outdoors, cool set up, safe, the whole thing. September 26th, Worcester Mass, and then the weekend after that, I'm doing Southington, I don't know how you say that,

Southington, Connecticut, on Friday, Bloomington, Connecticut, that's Saturday. I believe I'm co-headlining Fairfield, Connecticut, with you. You got that right. On October 11th, those will sell out. That's gonna be two shows, it's part of a festival. Get tickets early, what's the name of that thing called?

It's Emilio, is that New York Comedy Club or something? We'll have to put the link up. It's Fairfield Comedy Club, I think. New York Comedy Club, Fairfield? Yeah, I think that's it, but we'll link it up. And then I'm doing Portsmouth, Rhode Island, for our pal Doug Key, October 10th, that's the Rogue Island Comedy Festival, two shows.

Wow, he's doing it. Yeah, Saturday, October 10th, in Portsmouth, Rhode Island, and then Connecticut, October 11th. So come to these shows, we'll have a nice time. September 26th, Worcester. I love it, all right, you're back on the board there, Fatty. Oh, I'm back, baby. All right, I'm at the Stress Factory this weekend,

so come on out to that. I'm all over the road as well. I'm doing some gig in Long Island on the 15th, it's already sold out, I have no idea what that is. Some of this shit I just put in my calendar and just hope it figures itself out. I'm in Jersey City on the 21st. Oh man, I don't know anything about these gigs,

so start Googling, folks, give it a go. Draft house after that, Westniac, I'm doing Levity Live, they have a parking lot show. Nice. Going to Helium, I'm going to comics in Unkenville, what is that, not comics. Mohegan Son. That's Mohegan, yeah, comics at Mohegan Son.

Mohegan Son, that's the one, I hear it's a hot one. I'm at Atlantic City with Emilio, his people, New York Comedy Club, Atlantic City, Room, Hilarities and Cleveland, Acme, these are all socially distal, COVID safe and purelled and queefed and circumcised, so yeah, we'll have a ball, as Joe said, and yeah, let's live it up, come on out, say hello.

We'll have a gay old time. Yes, new material, and it ain't great. Well, all right, folks, that was fun, and that was a great episode, I laughed my ass off. I'm talking like we stopped recording. Yeah, I know, I was like, wait, what happened? Sorry, all right, well, signing off, but don't hit stop, because we got to do the other thing.

All right, blow your dead, praise our love, thank you. George is saying, cut it. No one wants to be themselves Pop in the heavens when legends cry Homelessly watching the music die Please believe that we've got to...