Tuesdays with Stories! - #368 Hunky Tori

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

It's an all time ep this week as Joe hits the trifecta on weird confrontations before having a big show at SoulJoel's while Mark has more bike issues and BBQ in San Antonio. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeo.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) & TalkSpace (talkspace.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me and

here we are we're here we're queer and full of cheer it is the Jewish New Year is that right I know rush has shot as next week now that's two weeks it's today something's what's in two weeks something's on the 28th I think my period two weeks I don't know two weeks notice who knows as there's something on the 28th I was emailing this woman about her podcast and then she said I am aware that 28th yes that's the 28th I thought Yom Kapoor was new year I don't think so I don't think so Yamanica I don't know what Yom Kapoor is so you know you look like a hebe I thought Yom Kapoor was something big it's something big but just a shout out to the Jews for all these extra

holidays because I think if you have jobs you get off for them yeah it's nice all right I'm looking at Rasha Shanna has begun haha the Jewish holiday leads into Yom Kapoor but I don't know what Yom Kapoor is when are Rasha Shanna and Yom Kapoor maybe it's Halloween for them I don't know that would be fun do they get their own Halloween I don't know I'm gonna write in what what is Yom Kapoor there you go give it a goog

the most solemn religious fast of the Jewish year the last of the 10 days of penance that begin with Rasha Shanna so that's like the final day there's Rasha Shanna and Yom Kapoor also knows the day the day of atonement oh it's the holiest day of the year ah so that's something that's something see that's thing about the Jews is not only they have a holiday but the holiday has an ending and that day is important like they got the eight days of Christmas and all or eight holy nights whatever it is 12 days of Christmas

oh that's us they got the menorah right labia menorah yeah so what are what other holidays are there's this Hanukkah Rasha Shanna Yom Kapoor porum porum I think porum or porridge or pour some sugar on me something porum are you sure that's not Yom Kapoor um I think they're related well I don't relate it I think yeah that's true there's a lot of incest is there are ones I think there's more uh

gosh you call in if you know isn't there a Ramadan I think that's the the the Muzz fuck yeah they're all very similar they like it live in that dirty sandy area and they hate each other I just did um Shafi Hossain's podcast Americanized and we talked about 9 11 and he was like what was the what was how did that shape your impression of Muslims what did you what what did you know of Muslims before then and I was like I'll tell you what I never heard of Muslim before then yeah I didn't know what the I mean I was 19 I was

alcoholic I grew up in Whitman I'm like I'd never heard anyone say Islam in my life I didn't know what the fuck that was no I've heard uh I've heard I've heard of Muslims you know you got the curvy sword the the hoods the robes the women can't wear shit they can't drive much like the Asians uh so I don't know I didn't you're right 9 11 put them on the map it broke them it was like Bilbers Philly set and uh and then then ISIS pops up but that's a whole another thing well that was quite a while later that was uh that was Obama the vacuum of

Iraq and all that shit and but that's that's a bad first impression I have to say yeah but maybe I I knew about Muhammad Ali I think he was a Muslim so maybe I had some degree it's hard to remember pre 9 11 now right I I think Malcolm X was a Muzzy as well yes nation of Islam black Islam something but I I didn't know about Malcolm X I mean I saw the film a little bit I got bored and turned it off because I was 12 or whatever yeah I don't know about this I rewatched it everybody raves about I thought it was okay yeah I haven't watched it in a while I mean

it's I remember it was the double set with the big X on it yes and it was one of those ones where even as a kid you're like beautiful film loved it but I'm like I can't get through that I don't know what's going on yeah yeah same same it was uh it was a little much those Spike Lee's a lot of these directors have a bit of an ego they don't want to cut the shit down oh no question about it uh but yeah I I didn't I didn't I didn't know much before I nor was I like uh after 9 11 be like these Muslims it was just like

all right so they're my they're Muslim or something okay I don't know yeah I got a couple Muzz friends and they uh they really had some airport stories and I remember after 9 11 every black comic was like they're the new n words that was like a big bit you know yeah that was big we all united to hate this group that was that was big yeah and and then Indian kids got the brunt of it too because they're like oh you fucking Muzzy and they're like I'm Indian I'm Hindu or elephant with eight arms I don't know what you're talking about

yeah it was a strange kooky time no question about it mm-hmm yeah glad that's over now everything's great yeah everything's fine now and uh hunky dory did we use that one David Bowie what's that is that his that's an album hunky dory but that's not where it came from right no no that's like a leave it to bevert term but I think he just called an album hunky dory yeah what what is the metamorphosis of hunky dory now that's a good question maybe it was a a lesbian named dory and people like

she's a little hunky I don't know I pulled that out of my my labia but uh yeah hunky dory where'd that come from yeah it doesn't it's not some of these things are never explained related to Humpty Dumpty because those are pretty close fun fact about Humpty Dumpty I read all these facts Humpty Dumpty in the original story there's no mention that he's an egg I don't know where that came from that just morphed over over anal strange strange times hmm how about spick and span where's that from

well let's not get involved in that I mean I'm just saying we're already in touchy territory with the muslim talk we start going spick I mean forget about it we're gonna get shut down sure hey I'm not I didn't invent it but it exists and I'm just bringing it up and span lives matter so let's just move forward here jesse spano uh all right I got a ton of jizz here to put on your chin I got a lot of stuff too and I just got to say this jesse spano I had zero attraction to similar to the Gyllenhaal I'd rather fuck Slater

and Zach at the same time than uh in fact Zach's mom was hotter than jesse spano oh I don't remember the the morris morris milf oh she was she was a milf she had the high curly hair that like came out to here like one of the marge simpson sisters but it was kind of sexy oh god not into that but spano give her another look because I think you grow into it it's like it's like brussel sprouts when you're getting like oh get that away from me and then when you're adult you're like it's not bad here I gotta tell you I've been watching reruns because I bought it

you know and I've been watching save by the bell and it's nothing she's too lanky which I know is the pot calling the kettle you know spick and span but right she's a lanky lady she's got a high waist her legs are too long her face is too narrow the hair stinks caposki is a smoke show turtles hot but uh jesse she blows uh I I I agree she's she's a tree she's eight feet tall I hate the curly hair and I you know I'm a pot calling the kettle a muzzy so I'm with you but again we don't want to

fuck people who look like us is that so wrong I mean she looks like me she looks like me in a long wig basically and even show girls stinks but uh caposki is really something yeah caposki's a knock at aunt she got a breast implants later in life which was a big hit on the uh the internet when that was new no kidding yeah yeah yeah she's uh she's something else although she has that val kilmer thing where some people the older they get the wider their head gets she got wide her head got wider I don't know

hey uh uh call it yeah she always had a big head when you watch those early up she had big head poofy hair but great body and those dresses I was really into those like spandex super tight short one piece yes thanks I mean I just fantasize but like like a florally spandexy jesse spandex like a tight thing with the the long gams and the little sneakers I mean it was really something else I mean I was beaten off every five o'clock TBS same you know who sucked was Tori oh she stinks but

you know me uh looking back now I wouldn't mind having her with that leather jacket the bike helmet she she lifts my ankles and jerks my cock into my own mouth and then you know sticks a motorcycle boot up my ass I'm kind of into that all right all right a little uh little hunky dory if you ask hunky Tori she was a little little uh with bull bull dyke I hate to use the term but I don't I don't like the helmet I don't like the boots we've got a chain wallet get out of here what do you biker come on every every once in a while that's nice

I picture taking the the American flag from the classroom and sticking it right up my pipe and you know what I mean and saluting and god bless America I get it well I got a couple of angry things I got to get out and I got a couple beautiful things and I got a couple weird things what what do you got there fatty I got a few of those too I mean let me just start with one anger I'll lean into your angry because I got a little thing that's right up a classic Tuesday all right I got a bone to pick an axe to

grind and and uh a dick to suck so you you go great I got a nose to pick and a dick a dick to be sucked so all right I'm ready so listen to this one this is like mind-blowing sign of the times entitlement all the bullshit oh oh boy I hate it already so yesterday I'm walking on Broadway in Astoria I meet up with Vita every morning now it's adorable it's like a Billy Crystal book I go and I meet up with Vita he's got the baby I talked to the baby he ignores it we have a good time

and it's it's nice I mean you see the baby you suck its dick a little you slap it around and then Gary and I you know I got my arm around we got the baby and we talk how it's beautiful I mean like I'm picturing the the movie cover for my giant remember that shit box he's a big big guy and he's this little fucking pipsqueak well Vita is he's pushing the baby carriage and his hands are above his head it's up here he's got the baby can't even see Vita he's so little by the way I gotta plug Vita's show

Bartolinos he's got the best show in the city every Saturday night in Astoria if you're in Astoria go to the show you gotta go over there folks all right I want to do it if I'm in town I'm I'm dying to do it well I'll get into Bartolinos in a minute but let me just get this so so I'm meeting up with Gary I'm walking and he's walking down Broadway I'm walking up Broadway you need to see someone in the distance it's so exciting you're trying to like wave any of those like seven blocks between you but he doesn't get any bigger even if he gets closer same size

so where look you know these streets in Astoria it's not like the city where you could just see right down the street so I'm crossing the street here in New York and it's all one ways and I'm looking down the street where the traffic would be coming towards me you know yeah across the street and there's no cars I can see there's just no cars for a mile so I'm like I'm gonna cross the street I don't have the walk light but you can clearly see no traffic coming clear as day you can see as far as the horizon no cars

so maybe I don't like you by the way well I like rules yes you know me I'm a rule guy but I mean I'm telling you it's like a cornfield over here there's all right I got a team you know you I got a walking crew and there's a little Asian lady and another lady not sure if this is the it's hard with the mask but the Asian is a little easier because the eyeball sort of sure here it goes but I digress so it's the three of us and I'm in the lead I start walking there right behind me as a woman should be

and as I'm crossing the street I just hear hey hey hey beep beep beep beep beep and I look over and here's a third woman on one of those motorized scooters and she's whipping up the wrong way in a one-way street blasting through the intersection and she's going hey what is this hey and so I stop and I look and I go you're going the wrong way and I didn't yell I'm not an asshole I was just said you're going the wrong way and she as she passes at like 20 miles now she goes no I'm not wow and then I go yeah you are like she this is all why she's moving

she's like and she yelled over her shoulder I am not wow and then the two women both the two women both go yes she is totally she it was nice to get those dopamines but they're all like yeah yeah that's crazy yes I turn to him and we all had our masks or good people and I was like that's a tough argument to make right and they're like she's crazy that was nuts holy shit and it was like okay but how insane that she's pleading a case that I'm not going the wrong way yes it's a one-way street and she's going through the intersection there's not even a traffic light facing her because she's going the wrong way on one way so I'm

like I hope I hope she's dead I hope she got hit by a truck same I hope she's dead and you're right you nailed it on the head there Fetty it's a sign of the times it's exactly what we've become and and here's the the bummer about it is there's no convincing her you could put the one way you could smash her face into the one-way sign and she'll still never budge she'll go I'm doing it right I'm doing it my way my way is the right way truth to power BLM whatever the fuck like but it's the wrong way it was very strange and you know I admit we were jaywalking or whatever we're

crossing against the light but there's no cars coming the right way you don't even think to look that way because there wouldn't be any cars coming that that would be psychotic and I don't mind that she's going the wrong way whatever but if I wish it had gone hey hey watch out and I'm like you're going the wrong way and she's like I know I'm so sorry I'm late for work or whatever because hey I'm breaking a rule you're breaking a rule it's all fine I didn't you I tried not to Karen it I wasn't like hey you can't but I just say you're going the wrong way no I'm not

and I said yeah you are and she says I am not which is like classic like a kid yeah wow and look I'm a I'm a hog rider myself and I go the wrong way all the time and I've been yelled at and I go oh I get one of the oh yeah yep yep I know yeah well man that is mind-boggling just the the blatant I do what I want I'm never wrong even though I am wrong constantly fuck you it was straight and this is the show I've been pitching we talked about it before on here but in consideration and the idea of the show is I want to stop that person and interview them what do you mean you're not going the wrong way

what are you thinking is it crossing your mind that you're in danger or you're just in a hurry so you don't give a shit or you hadn't even occurred to you but how are you making the case right that you're not going the wrong way and here's what's going to happen let's say you sat her down you tied her up you slapped her around a little bit the best you're going to get from her is well you were jaywalking and you go yes I was but you went the wrong way and she's going to go but you were jaywalking and you're like I know but I need your twat come guzzling asked to admit that you were going the wrong way I need you

to acknowledge that but they never will right it was a weird situation but it felt fun but you know now with the podcast you just you pull over to the side you start write that down that's fun and I can see the ladies they're texting they're like you wouldn't believe what I just saw and all of life is just collecting something to talk about it's like nice I meet up with Vita I'm like check this out and he's like wow that's crazy it's a launching off point it's crazy and and stuff like that really chaps my cunt because I'm such a

analytical I think both of us we're so uh literal and whatever the hell we analyze everything so that kind of stuff just bothers me because you just want to shake her by the shoulders and go you are admit it admit it but they never will yeah it's tough and I guess that becomes ego a little bit because you're like just say it yeah yeah you know but she was she was so um you know emphatic that she wasn't so that was that was weird I don't know but what can you do but anyways wait stick some things up my ass and see if I come all over the computer screen also a party wants to talk to her parents you

know like does she do that as a kid and just grow into that or she become that way did you raise a piece of shit or what what happened there but whatever yeah that is it's a good point I think too much about this stuff so your thing bleeds into my thing nicely so uh you mentioned scooter hog here we are I'm trying not to get too angry here but I'm pissed number four bike cover stolen come on what and this one I thought you had I thought you came up with something well I you know I've fooled me once I'll eat you out fool me twice I'm a homosexual but now

I bought the bike cover you know I used to just have a black cover that goes over covers the rain and the elements then I got hip and wise and I bought a bike cover that you can put the lock through so now I'm locking up the bike and the cover they ripped that right off ripped now you just see the two little rings the metal rings on the block which held the bike cover on oh right off Jesus and did it rip anything off the bike is the bike fine the structure well it's funny you bring that up because you know I walk out I go the bike covers gone that's a

bitch it's it's $18 I order a new one even though it's fourth one now but hey it's a tough city it's a pandemic but here's the clinker somebody stole my ignition key right out of the ignition what they took the key they took the key but not the bike no well the bike's locked up so I guess they couldn't get it off but I talked to the super he's like that's crazy I talked to a bike repair guy he's like I've never heard of that because it's like stealing just a car key the car is is in a garage or whatever but you

just take the key and now I can't start the bike well they do it just to fuck with the idea it's like taking someone's antenna and just whipping it into the bushes that's what it is I even walked up and down the street like maybe just took it out and chucked it out of anger or like fuck this guy like a drunk teen or whatever it was and I'm clueless I called a bike guy's like well you could either call the garelli manufacturer see if they can make you a new key because you know these keys aren't just

willy-nilly it's like a specific key and the bike is 30 something years old so it's a whole thing Jesus so what happens now at first I mean I gotta ask and this is annoying but why are you leaving the key in the ignition well I mean I just I guess I assumed uh if it's locked up you can't start the bike and drive it off anyway so I've left the key in for two years I've never had a problem but I guess with the with the cover off now the bike is exposed and the rest of the bike is fine it's in ship shape but just that that key is

MIA it makes you wonder if someone's fucking with you if they've seen you go up the wrong way or they they saw your act or you know what I mean or you you know took a shit in their toilet like what the hell is this I know it's it's mentally fucking me up so I I'm getting pretty pretty cool with the the bicycle repair guy where we're chums now and he was like I have a kind of a master type key I'm gonna send you and try that if that doesn't work we have to take out the whole wiring and rewire and put a new key in and all this shit so that's where we're at now

oh my god this is brutal it's almost like you gotta just take it in the house hang it on the wall like Seinfeld exactly and have it just be a decoration in a memory and buy yourself a vehicle I know that's where I'm at like this city cannot be trusted I mean look I get it it's the busiest city in America and I've got a bicycle sitting on the fucking public sidewalk but Jesus hey channel I am I'm really getting up the pooper on this on this hog there's a new thing every week and every time I go out to do a gig in whatever city I come back and right when the uber pulls up to my house I'm like uh what's gonna happen is it gonna be spray

painted jizzed on uh you know is it gonna have a swastika on it like I don't know that's that's awful I feel for you that's brutal I mean I just got we talked about it last week the garage spot from my car and even that's weird having the key to my car live at a parking garage right and you just hand it to a guy and I'm always afraid of Ferris Bueller like I walk away I walk backwards because I'm waiting to see him just fucking peel out of there in my 20 you know these centuries are a hot vehicle for the young sure sure sure you can get up to 48 in that thing but but deal yeah slightly I know you feel better but is there paperwork so something happens that that's on them I gotta assume I could assume if something happened to my car I mean like I would

think I mean I'm handing them my car I signed some things I didn't read the shit I've never read anything in my life but uh so I assume they because if they lose the key like you these keys now that they're k-fabs or whatever the fuck it's called they they they cost like 500 bucks so yeah hopefully it's that's all them yeah if they lose that that ain't that ain't cheap but I do have the feeling every time it's pretty great last night was the first time I did it all without a hitch I text them car it says eight minutes I get there as I walk in they pull it out there it is I leave I come back I leave the car I say take care and I'll tell you driving over that Queensboro bridge knowing I don't have to look for parking is so beautiful I can't

even describe it P-O-M yes pussy of men that's a hell of a film with Clive Owen but yeah peace of mind baby that's what you're paying for right there and then but it's just such a jizz rag when I'm out in Jersey and I'm driving with Doug Key to do the stress factory and you just see all the houses with their driveways and their two-car garages and you go man yeah I get it I get it yep how ironic that you're with Doug Key oh man good call there sloppy jalopy but yeah it's hard not to think about I mean even here now we we got lucky with the downstairs but like there's no stairs connecting it so it's still like a different apartment the toilet's running all day and and there's no place to park

and all that shit you want a yard I mean wouldn't you kill the smokes of guards in my backyard no that'd be lovely that'd be lunch we had a fire pit going and roast a mallow or something talk shit that'd be great oh yeah so well all right so what else you got because we I mean we're already fucking halfway through the show here I want to hear your axe to grind you still got a nose to pick and a guy to fuck all right well uh I'll get into some some positivity just because uh I gotta hold another thing and I might have to save it because this is like a this is like a 20 minute Eric is you're gonna have questions and it's it's it's got layers and a beginning and a middle and an end but this I just want to give a shout out to the the great city of San

Antone which I was never a huge fan of I lived there for like a year when I was in college to shoot a movie and you know it's a whatever city it's hot as balls it's Texas it's got the Alamo we remember it but I just had one of those amazing special magical weekends you know it's 50 capacity whatever it is I'm a super spreader of of uh gonorrhea I get it but like Tuesday's galore Caleb sign and opening we had a great uh we had a great host Andrew Murphy he's one best comic in Austin back in 71 or whatever cool guy just one of those you know you know what it's like every green room you get into you go it's a roll the dice is it gonna be a musical act is it gonna be a ventriloquist is it gonna be a pedophile what do we got no it's a fucking fat guy who never shuts up about iron

man or whatever the fuck it is I've worked with him we all know that is but or some chick with blue hair that hates Jews or whatever you got and just a great mix the club was happy to have it they got this new manager guy he loves comedy he loves all of us he wants all of us there he's got the best taste when you got a good manager in there or a good booker it changes the whole game it's not the fat guy with the mustache and the and the you know the the the the slimy agent guy who's like I love Mencia and I just book hot chicks because I want to get blown and all that it's just this comedy guy and he's like changing the whole game and booking well and it's not hacks and oh what a great weekend and then we hit up two brothers barbecue yes was it great tell me it was

great because I'm gonna feel like a piece of shit if it's stuck I'll have to kill myself it was beyond great it was lunch and a half it was a tight sock and a dry shoe let me let me break this down for you so I'm building it up all weekend Thursday night I get there I'm telling the comics the local guy never even been there so I was like oh here we go you're gonna love it best barbecue in the country so I'm getting a little nervous now I'm building it up so much that I'm like it's better deliver so we go there on Saturday I get there you're not going to believe this it's it's empty as hell which is I guess pandemic shit they lay eat inside which is always fun we get there there's nobody in there I walk up to the counter with Caleb and Caleb goes am I nuts there's a guy in the back with

a comedy shirt on like my merch what I go what no way and I go comedy and he goes oh my god we get a rack of ribs we get the pulled pork we get a giant bucket of mac and cheese and coleslaw potato salad extra sauce extra we got apple cobbler we got a fucking banana pudding he loaded it up brisket brisket oh my god the brisket as far as the ass can queef we had brisket we had ribs we had sausage we had chicken thighs and turkey and gravy and I mean I had a miscarriage I ate so much oh the crushed ice did you get the crushed ice oh we got the crushed ice we got sweet tea we got unsweet tea we got lemonade we got grape drink which I think they do for a certain culture and just a great day we had the whole restaurant we got all the spread in the world I got the manager

I got the host I got the feature I got my feet up I was a king for a day oh I love that but the brisket is so moist you could take that you know doctor's sheet after and just put your fingers through it like like like the cool mist of a summer breeze I mean that food I mean I came right in in the smoker yes I just remember we got to give shout outs to uh what's his toes mushy Mike uh what the fuck's his last name uh Mike Alvarez or at Martinez or and uh Suarez Michael Suarez that beautiful beautiful man took me there in 1987 he knew the spot I mean it's smell you could smell it on the highway you're approaching the exit yes smell it I mean you I land in the airport I sent my uncle there he blew me it's unbelievable this place yeah two brothers and you gotta go

there they got a giant smoker outside and they get those one of those trees the dripping daisy or the dizzy weeping willow weeping willow they got weeping willows up the ass the the briskets are up in the branches it's unbelievable crushed ice and a coke forget about it I'd rather you know about it unbelievable oh yeah great I'd swallow my grandad's cum just for a sniff of that brisket oh and the brisket it's so uh tender I mean you can do this and just you can just force it around and you can chew with your tongue on your roof of the mouth it's so tender and and juicy and you're right that that fucking uh butcher paper looks like I had a squirter on there I mean it's just soaked and dripping full of uh semen and and that placenta and oh man you you know you

mix a brisket into the the mac and cheese and you get it all going man it's it's mouth watering and I had so much I boxed it up and I gave it to the staff oh that's a good move classic move fun move fun but nobody knows about it I was like you ever heard of this the manager hadn't heard of he's like I've lived here in 50 years I've never heard of this place I'm like Jesus hqueef I mean you gotta get in here tell the family yeah that that and mama sent is those the only restaurants that I tell people because I'm doing a bit about it certain people of a certain ilk they recommend things in a way that makes you want to shoot them in the tits these people well they're like uh well you ever uh you ever watch uh this movie now I never saw oh oh you're fucking your piece of shit you

gotta and you know you try not to do that but this place is really uh it's really a good hot load in your ass of goodness yeah I do hate that guy you know he goes uh you go you go what does that mean hunky dory goes you don't know what hunky dory means like well that's part of my ass oh it's brutal I mean I got the one friend he recommends movies that way and then you do a little research on the movie it's from 1938 and it has 11 percent on rotten tomatoes I'm like get out of here I don't need to see it this movie sticks it sticks he grew up with it or is you know we got molested to it so it sticks with you but uh I get it but hey speaking of uh the good stuff in life we gotta talk about Tuesdays being brought to you by native deodorant love me some native I use it the lady uses it my

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all right I actually took a photo of the food and I'm gonna send it to you I don't know Shelby I don't know if you can put this on the YouTube splice it in just so the folks at home can see what kind of meat I'm slinging here but it is juicy scrumptious and just downright fuckable yeah what a nice what a nice time uh that must have been I can't wait to go there I got two two separate heckle stories I got a lot of crazy stuff going on over here wow the world's coming back and they're very different kinds of heckles one was indoor one was outdoor one was you know a hip lady one was a crazy person one was aggressive and one was subtle it was it's a real I got a dichotomy what's that mean yeah I think that's something I think

it's a lesbian I never really know what anything means yeah yeah I just say stuff and hopefully nobody stops me that's I feel the same way but now with the podcast and social media you get a lot of like hey between you and me you said dichotomy and that means you know bicycle or something right right right I still don't know what waist not whatnot is and I just I let that one fly I think it has to do with being fat but the first heckle I was do I'm still doing some zoom shows here and there because they're fine and we've talked about it I like the zoom show because I like closing that computer and turning the ballgame on it's so nice no commute no nothing so I did the zoom show great show killer show it's like it's it's like a San Francisco based I think

and the guy hosting it was hilarious Sammy something I forget his name Onita maybe had a great joke I'll figure it out I'll tweet or something but great great guy I don't I don't know if he's a great guy he's probably a great guy but really funny guy I watched this whole set I was loling and other women went on first and she was great I'm like I'm enjoying the hell out of it he's hilarious she was hilarious I'm sitting here between you and me I got the hockey game on the background I got one eye on that and then it's time to do my set I go let me focus up here and the crowd was so nice so supportive and I do this joke that I used to do years ago it never went anywhere I brought it back and it's about this is a true story years ago I lived in Harlem

and I went to my car and there was like three African American young youngsters sitting on the the hood and roof of my car oh and so I just didn't take the trip true story I was like all right I don't want to deal with it that's crazy that's hilarious so I just came back and my girlfriend the time's like where are you going and I was like I'll visit my parents another day I don't want to worry about it yeah it's intimidating like of course tell my friend like did you say something I'm like what are you nuts yeah just kick six guys off my car I felt terrible and it's the joke's more about me being neurotic I don't want to get into a beef with five guys plus I already feel bad I feel like I'm in their neighborhood the whole thing and they know your car now or

they would right so I'm just like it's a joke about me being neurotic but I tell the joke it gets some laughs and then I just hear wow you're gonna be racist your joke better be tight and I did the natural thing where you're kind of like uh taking it back so I was like what and she's like if you're gonna be racist your joke had better be tight and first of all I thought the joke did pretty well yeah it's hard to tell on zoom but I said uh well that's not that's not racist the joke's about me being neurotic I'm too nervous to say anything I don't like confrontation so I'd rather just not ask people to get off a thing that it is mine yes I'd rather just leave I mean the joke is about me obviously also you live in Harlem there's three guys on your car

they're being assholes who cares the color it's a good bit and so in the joke I'm like I was woke before it was cool this is how woke I am so maybe because I was saying woke but to me it's like I'm tying in the idea that I did that because I I'm concerned with racial equality so I'll give them my car I mean that's the joke I thought it was pretty obvious but I think she heard buzz word of white guy mentioning the race of people yep and so I kind of explained that I was like it's a joke about me being neurotic it's it's not racist and I was like if that's a racist joke it's the least racist joke I've ever heard of any joke that's qualified as a racist joke I'm like I could tell you some jokes that'll really blow your fucking mind and oh sure the nice thing

was the chat kept being like not racist at all I'm black I don't care you're fine you're good but it's it was strange feeling to just be like I was not expecting that but in zoom I guess it's easy enough just to unmute and say hey fuck you it was very strange a zoom heckle did you get the look a look at the gal I didn't know I didn't really look and it it there's a whole crowd there so it's hard to see where it came from right right yeah well it's just like a heckle when you get heckled in the bright lights and you're like god if I could see you I'd really make fun of your appearance but I can't yeah well my thing was like I'm like let me just explain the joke I feel like she doesn't get it but it was very annoying and then the host I really appreciate he went on

after he's like what the hell was that he's like Joe this is like the nicest guy in the business which I appreciated yeah but it's one of those things we were like do you think I'm a big part of the problem here like you're watching a comedy show I'm trying my best I'm a comic in my fucking living room we're all trying to we're trying to entertain you and again it's like a joke of a real thing that happened by the way yes so I don't understand how this is basically or how you're like I'm gonna really stand up I march and vote and donate money but I'm like I don't quite see how I'm contributing to a problem by saying uh yeah these guys are on my card so I didn't take the trip yeah you know what this is this is I don't know if the lady on the scooter had a helmet but that's

the same lady because you'll you'll never be able to convince her even if your reason and you have a rational point there's no convincing and she thinks if if if she goes oh all right I got it you're right you're right then she's racist now it's this weird racism tag thing they do when they go I gotta call someone else racist so I feel better you know obviously the joke is it racist she's probably had some racist thoughts she's got some guilt or she wants to be a hero and you're a honky and you're probably getting some chuckles maybe that didn't rub rubber the right way it's it's clearly an internal thing strife going on and she's gotta hit you with it yeah it was uh it was a bummer I mean I wasn't it didn't uh worry me too much one of those things when you hang up and

you're like that was crazy but whatever that worries me so last night I'm at the stand and you've been to the stand now it's like killer they have like an insane show outside it's like a regular comedy club it feels just like a regular show yeah except every once in a while in the middle of my set I'm doing well trying some new here comes a crazy street person because Union Square is right there there's a whole skid row there there always was I haven't been in Union Square because I'm terrified now but I assume it's still there and there's a couple hospitals around but there's this guy he just starts walking like stage right like outside of the premises but right there I mean it's the street you could just yell in there yeah and this guy he was an unfortunate

street person just screaming oh yeah well you shouldn't have it man either you take alcohol drugs cocaine mushrooms that'll make you crazy and he's screaming it at me and uh I think there's a video of it I think Ned from laughable videoed it I haven't watched it because I'm so afraid because I'm like you can watch me go from like telling puns to like just shaking where I'm like okay sir take it easy yeah and it was nerve wracking because it wasn't just a guy heckling this was like an unfortunate fucking drug addicted street person maniac like he could have charged you he started to so he came around and he kept yelling and I had a couple of jokes I was like well wait till I get to the good stuff and that got a big laugh but then I get nervous because

the bigger the laughs you get the more then he starts to yeah what are you laughing at me yes and so um a couple I tried to just kind of look at my notes and be quiet so he'd hopefully pass and then I'd be like oh boy okay well whatever I'm making kind of and the crowd kept laughing and every time they laughed he'd be like what is this wow and then he came around to this side stage left now and there's an opening like over there it's kind of fenced in a little and he moved into the opening and I've never been happier to see Will Silvance appeared like a like a spirit yeah he came out and will the guy was black and Will was black so that helps in some way it makes it feel less racial and wills also a fighter and a boxer and then he came in and

Paulie the owner was there Adele was right in the middle of it so they were kind of standing in I talked to Will after Will said come on man where you going and the guy the guy the guy kind of diffused the guy a little bit yeah it was definitely a moment where I was like this guy could run at me and I'm gonna be in a situation here and I mean I can handle myself but again it's like this guy I don't know if he's on PCP or crack or what the fuck he's on sure he was uh he was living in the street for sure and just like one of those guys and I kept saying to the crowd I'm like stop laughing I'm trying to de-escalate this here yeah and so it was really weird and eventually he kind of wandered off and they were like you're good but tough to recover from that yeah you try to go

back into like boy you ever watch a movie with a friend and he's snoring like it's just this weird thing so that was spicy but two very different heckles very different yeah and I mean I hate to say it but there's a lot of connection between the the zoom coups and uh old uh you know hobo harry over there I mean it's just crazy people who kind of want attention you're getting attention they want to be louder and last thing I'll say about this uh this cum guzzling skank with the uh with the the racist thing I think a lot of people think if they call someone racist they're automatically winning like I can't be wrong I'm doing social justice why would I be wrong but it's like yeah first of all you're watering down the word like I know you're you think you're a

hero but you're you're that's an important word you're kind of taking the teeth out of it and you're just using it willy nilly for your own benefit whereas uh like I don't know a black person might actually feel a certain way and you're just taking his oppression I don't know it it really bugs me I they think they're heroes they're they're bad people it's a strange strange time yeah yeah you can't it's yeah you can't prove that's the other thing about racism you can't really prove it we need like a racism meter you know we can be like no whoop whoop that's guys good you're wrong well that's what's nice about her saying it's a racist joke at least you can be like well here's the joke this is what I'm thinking with the job yeah and I'm open to

being like well maybe it's racist but I'm like I'm just telling you a thing that happened and making it pretending that I'm not afraid to confront the people and acting like you know I don't no I don't get it I disagree strongly with the ladies feelings and opinions we all do and and I had a thing on Instagram where I you know you post a tweet that you put up you know you put it up on Instagram and I put one that said statistically we've probably had a gay president and you know it's like oh that's fun oh I never thought of it that way whatever and then this one guy was like look dude and it was like this long one he goes look dude I'm a fan I like your stuff usually but I'm sensing a lot of hate you're putting out towards groups that are traditionally oppressed

and I was like man how deep do you have to dig to try to find some you know uh blemish on my record or on this joke like you're really mining for some kind of uh uh uh what is the word uh bigotry or whatever like what are we doing here you're teetering on something why I'm just saying statistically it's interesting I'm not shitting on gays I'm not saying they shouldn't be president it's like dude you're really looking for it now aren't you right yeah that's uh that's I don't like that guy one bit I think he stinks that doesn't make any sense and uh treat it out of here you're bordering on uh being offensive towards like you need to stop being this way towards groups that are traditionally oppressed I'm like so we can't just we can't

talk about groups that have been traditionally oppressed so I can't do a gay joke or a women joke or a black child it's like what are we doing that just cuts out a whole sect of comedy a large sect mind you yeah premarital sects there you go it's it's a sin but uh yeah I don't know it's just like part of me is like starting to type like let me talk nah fuck it what what's the point this yeah on instagram who gives a shit this guy hates his dad and fucks his mom yeah not worth it but it's vexing it's puzzling it's frustrating it's all the social media did you watch that social dilemma business I haven't the lady really enjoyed it and I'm too scared because I I I think I agree yeah it's really wild but that's what it's all about it's all about this thing and now you're

arguing with this guy and that guy is now consuming your thoughts and it's no good it's all it's all a waste of this time and energy I know it's it's crazy like George Carlin I read his book and he had this whole thing about how isn't it weird that in the 1920s everybody's just walking around and then in the 1950s there's tv and radio and there's just radio waves going above your head zillions of them all day every day one day they're there one day one day they're not there one day they're there I'm not saying that means anything but it's just kind of interesting and I feel that the same way about thoughts like in the 90s we were just walking around going I gotta lose some weight uh women don't like me I got a zit I shit myself I wet the bed but it wasn't like all this extra

shit right yeah so it's a whole year one day a whole new world a new disaster in my tits yeah yeah um but anything that didn't exist and now it does it just it's just there and it's taking up brain space that's a weird it's a weird time it's bittersweet though because you can learn to play the piano you can look at a tutorial you can look on youtube how to tie a tie I don't have to call my dad who won't answer you know yeah but yeah it makes it harder to do all those things in the old days you can learn piano now they claim you can learn piano on the youtube but you can't you just get distracted by the other shit so I that's a bunch of hogwash if you ask me well I mean you got you got map map where I mean how often you use your math those things is nice yeah

venmo and itunes and all that you don't have to go buy the boys to men album you can just pop it in yeah those things are nice but we got by without them that's true that is true it's confusing for sure I mean but we're able to do this look at this we're we're talking and we're in different uh neighborhoods yeah bittersweet bittersweet but we go too far you know everything goes too far and we gotta push it back you know click it back hopefully it's not too late but let's get gets back into some positive notes here I feel like we're going down in the darks we're talking these kids these days we're talking all the shit I feel like people we're gonna lose people here all right you're right you're right it just it just bugs me I I just see through all this

bullshit and I and I feel like everybody's just kind of it's almost like a brainwash where they're like in it and they can't see and then it's like uh you you think all right in 1920 that guy was walking around with a hat on now that guy's dead you think he was sitting around going by that guy thought I was racist you know whatever I don't know all right it's that guy probably was racist that's true that's a good point but we're done bugged we're all bugged all right we're bugged lots of bugs my apartment's bugged bugs buddy yeah uh well I just gotta gotta give a shout out to um to the the stress factory man they got a hell of a setup over there people are coming out it's real people you know sometimes you go to Brooklyn and do a show on a roof and everybody

hates you and then you go out here they've got families they got a mortgage and they just they just want to chuckle they love a good dick joke and there's there's no uh no dissecting of the humor they just laugh or they don't laugh I love that I think I'm gonna be there soon oh nice finalizing yes yes I got all kinds of dates on the book so check the uh the website folks um boy I got a long story but it's long oh I gotta give a shout out to Johnny Lee by the way Johnny Lee's the guy who hooked up all the bbq hey Johnny Lee thank you same initials my friend aha there you go John Lee hooker Johnny Lee sounds like a like a blues guitarist well there's John Lee hooker and there's Johnny Lang so it's right in the middle there uh hooker is a name you

think that came from a hooker and the family you know like this is John Smith he was like a a block smith in the day this is Jimmy Taylor he was his dad was a tailor you know that's how they named you before yeah Armstrong that was like a big strong fucking douche right now he's yeah yeah interesting what else is there but they don't they don't keep that up there's no like build data entry that could be a bit I don't know that then there's oh Connor that's of the Connor ah like fucking you know Connor McGrath would fuck someone in the ass and then have a kid and they're like it's oh Connor right right and every black kid in my neighborhood was Washington Jefferson Lincoln I'm like I think your your mom got railed by a presidential candidate

maybe not a mom but a great-grandmom oh that's what I mean he died in 1492 sailed the ocean blue and uh he got he got blown well should I tell this thing or yeah you go because I'm gonna say this is your law we gotta I mean it's gonna be a 15 minute or at least so you go shit what I did freeze oh god oh no what happened talk to me sister oh I think you you're all frozen I lost you oh god well I didn't say anything connections unstable I think you got an unstable connect yeah what the fuck is that all right can you hear me now yeah yeah you're good keep talking Shelby says all right so should I go or you're going you go because I got a I got a

15 minute saga all right all right I'll tell a quick one it's quick ish we got five minutes here and then I got to go to the jersey you got to go to Jersey oh yeah um I don't know what I don't know what the fuck's happened with my wi-fi here uh oh well yeah you're you're coming through crystal clear for me just every now and then you you Michael J fox it a little with a all right beautiful well last night two nights ago whatever night it was it doesn't matter whenever it came out last week I went back to Royersford PA Souljoll's comedy series the best this was uh this was a classic classic night so we booked the show and you know I've talked to Louis and Louis like CK he's like what's that show all about you keep talking about that

show it sounds fun I wouldn't mind doing it so I said well why don't you just come down with me that way because he's got no act right now he's kind of working on things he's you know figuring it out and outdoor shows the cameras whatever whatever the fuck so he said well maybe I'll go down with you and I said well that's beautiful we'll set something up we'll do a Joe List and friends you come I'll bring Sarah maybe we'll grab even Ari he'll come down we'll all go down together so we set it all up and Souljoll's all pumped he says that sounds great and and he's so grateful because we've been talking about how great the room is and how good the show is and all this stuff that's just PA so why don't you come down we'll all come down I said great it'll be one of those classic shows

where we all drive together like the old days yeah so I talked to Louis I talked to Ari I talked to Sarah James Matter and he's like the house emcee down there he's just like living down they're having a great time performing on the beach every every day and boy is he just rock solid yeah so funny he's just so good great egg and the best host in America maybe so he's killer so we all get it together it's a Wednesday show but you know how it goes you got to get everyone together and I'm paranoid about time if we're up to me we'd leave at 10 a.m. and just get a room down there I believe it so I'm talking to the big the big guy and I say we got to leave your house by 4 p.m. at the latest I'll be there at 3 30 so I call Ari and I say get your lanky ass dumb face

over there he's over the at this side of the city he's over in this other city so we all go down there Sarah and I down there an hour early we got a slice at Joe's and don't you just love the anticipation of a gig when you're like you guys want to slice you want to slice you know you're all about to meet up you're like we're gonna talk about this I got this to talk about I'm having a nice slice and Ari comes walking up the street we see Ari hey Ari we all go over there and Louis is behind he's like I gotta jump in the shower the whole thing but you hate the jump in the shower guy hate the job and he's the big celeb so you gotta you gotta pamper him and wipe his ass that's a whole thing got a pamper so we walk around we walk around the block we try a new coffee

place we get some sweets it's beautiful we meet up with sweet Lou we go over we get his car he's gonna drive he's got a big SUV he goes I'll drive I type it into Google Maps and he starts going one way I go make a left here it's 44 minutes faster he says age cuckoo dick and this is just in in the neighborhood so he goes how can that be and I was like I don't know but just trust the internet because these older guys they don't trust the internet I go just listen to me and then Ari he pulls it up and he goes no no it says the same thing on my thing so I go make a left here a left here we're saving 45 minutes we get to the entrance of the tunnel big cone set up this road is closed you can't get to the tunnel from here that didn't it didn't get

scooped up by Google Maps right so that's why it said 44 minutes slower the Google Maps didn't know so now we're fucked that we already left late he didn't do it or he did do it well we went all the way around to do it but then there's cones but Siri didn't know about the cone she's got a serious problem so now we're fucked now I'm like now we're 45 minutes 20 minutes have passed now it's gonna be 45 minutes so Louie's like don't worry I'll figure something out so he just starts flooring it up the street like fucking Bruce Willis he's like I know a trick and we're going up over the curb around the sidewalk up my ass you know so we get back we weasel into the traffic now and it's just a melee even during COVID the city is a nightmare you got cars coming

from eight different directions and we're doing the like hey can we come in would you mind if we we had to hide Ari's face because it's so ugly sure and you know Sarah's got her tits on the window I got my asshole in the on the stick shift yeah finally get into the tunnel and now we're now we're cruising we're all driving down and the arrival time says 640 which is not ideal shows at seven I wanted to get some food whatever whatever we have cigars I wanted to have a cigar ah then we're talking I got the lady with the sound on saying take a right here and I get from the front seat I got the directions on we don't need those directions don't worry we get into the conversation everyone's excited I keep looking at the arrival time we're staying

steady at 640 I look out the window you know I look over there I kiss my wife on the tits I look at the thing arrival time 707 we flew past the exit we weren't no one's paying attention nobody's looking so now we're 10 miles past the exit and now the new directions are taking us directly into Philadelphia proper oh so we now we're late and we're just we're driving 130 miles an hour we're in we've been in and out of traffic we're all holding on to the handles we're screaming we're crying we get there right at showtime James is there Joel's there packed house a couple hundred people Tuesdays go pack Joe in the front row and the lineup is James Mattern Sarah Louis Ari me killer show wow classic killer we're all lined up on the hill watching

each other we're smoking cigars Ari and I have cigars Louis smoking like an American spirit cigarette wow sarah's not smoking anything but we're having a nice time we're all watching each other laughing pushing each other into the bushes great show it's one of those magical shows where the whole car is the show yes then afterwards we're starving we leave and like they want to just take off so the car is already running I come running off like fucking Bob Dylan yeah Joel hands me the check as I go running past jumping the car I'm like there's a Wendy's up the street let's hit Wendy's we go in the drive through we get $48 of the food they hand us a shopping bag Louis handing out burgers like he's our dad we pull over we're

all sitting there eating burgers in the car what's more fun than fast food with comics in a car after a gig yeah nothing better how much did Joel shit a brick when you showed up with that guy uh he was thrilled he knew it was coming he was so excited and uh big deal big whole thing then I go I don't want to get too crazy here we're eating the Wendy's and you know because it's a weird thing because you know Ari and and Louis they're veterans and I'm the youngest one in the car but it's also my gig so it's a weird power thing and I'm like they went for the Wendy's they went for the leave in early and I was like they got Wegmans has the best chocolate chip cookies of all time I'm like I don't want to break up the party but if you stop at this Wegmans it's

eight minutes away I'm buying everyone chocolate chip cookies yeah and I'm like come on everyone's yeah he goes we'll do it everyone's yeah we're all going nuts we go to Wegmans I buy a stat every chocolate chip cookie they had left I bought a stack of them handed them out like fucking Santa Claus wow sat in the car eating Wegmans chocolate chip cookies we got chocolate and shit and come all over our faces we drive all the way back the Holland tunnel is closed eastbound keep that in mind when you're going to Jersey it's just closed so we had to go up and around and find the Lincoln tunnel we missed the tunnel we hit a parking lot we hit a speed bump at 60 miles an hour everything went flying cookies everywhere wild night this is like a John Hughes film it was insane I said that

exact same thing come on I said that then we get through the Lincoln tunnel we drive all the way back down to Louis's house right as he's going to pull into his garage he goes what am I doing I'll just drive you to Queens oh we're like what come on and he's like Ari you gotta come with me I want you to keep hanging out so we jump on the we drive over the Williamsburg around the BQE drops us at his house they take off we come in we eat our second cookies we 69 till we both come best night in comedy I've had in 20 since Sinbad had that thing in the Caribbean wow what a tail and you really spun that yarn baby that was great I'm hard more details but we ran out of time we gotta go to Jersey and the whole thing well are you

going to Jersey driving back and forth yeah yeah Doug Key's driving I'm going to meet him in a minute and we're gonna come back after the the late show oh all right well go down early tomorrow we'll be on the beach come down before the show that's a great idea it's going to be 60 degrees but we could hang play cards have a cigar fucking the ass or whatever how far is that from the club I don't know but it's a lot closer than the city here here look it up I'll look it up look it up shoot me a text and bang your dad good stuff check our websites watch our special you hit a million congratulations big one mill for the fat man and uh yeah you know albums patreon's cooking I just put up an hour queef we got a fucking uh stranger by the lake jizz

fest all over that so uh yeah check it out get on it tell a friend and uh go gay yeah great time the patreon we did another bonus too and then september 26 this saturday I think I'm at Worcester uh woo ha ha and Worcester so check that out and then we got the uh the other thing the fairfield comedy show october 11 that's both of us sunday yes co-headlining and I'm doing soul joles again I think october 21st but I could be wrong check the site and uh yeah I'm all over Connecticut uh we're doing gigs folks come see us yeah um all right beautiful good I gotta run brazila bye bye Georgia st cut it