Tuesdays with Stories! - #369 Laugh Dance

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Holy moly we've got a hot ep this week as Mark has all kinds of vehicle trouble before doing a nightmare comedy/variety show while Joe spends some time in Jersey before a show in Brooklyn goes awry Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks we're back it's Tuesday I'm Tuesday and your twos J L yeah coven hell of a Trump impression maybe one of the best out there he's got a

great one and he's a Tuesday I believe I don't know if he still listens or not but he was for years but he's got a great Trump impression and not just here's the thing he's a great Trump writer yes impressions whatever but he's hilarious he adds a lot of really good funny stuff he's really good at it and good stuff he knows Trump's voice so well he can write for Trump but he's still a comedian so he can write it funny it's it's it's it's a good mix like we've all seen some comics out there who do voices and they're great at voices but they're not funny comics so they're just like I'm Peter Griffin like I know but it

still has to have a turn cunt yeah how about the guys that do the impression of the guy and they just do that guy's jokes oh that's even worse yeah the guy that's just like so I got that going for me when he just does Murray doing the fucking character I'm like what right just do the jokes that he does yeah yeah you didn't write it or and you got no jokes of your own yeah that's brutal now you're now you're a hack and you're stealing yes but yeah JL's great and that's it that's the end of the show yeah he's also I think six five and a big beautiful man he looks like a like if Adam Sandler played football I think he's

bigger than six five I think he's seven oh yeah he's big he towers over me you're telling you Clark Duncan I'm telling you he's huge he's he's he's taller than me and I'm six two and some change I mean he's a he's a big daddy and he's half black so he's got to have got a huge cock I think yeah huge dog yeah I think he's a lawyer yes smart as a whip well he got the pass the bar exam I don't know that he's a lawyer that's enough for me I mean that bar had you passed the bar in Louisiana what's that from catch you again yes I didn't cheat I studied for three days or six days and I passed you're gonna eat your Claire alright the

Claire was hovering there like an angel adjacent to refuse is refuse that's riding that's good stuff well it's good to see a fatty because I've been having a shit come guzzling taint of a week really I mean just started I mean it's Monday but I get the past week you mean because it has to be fresh start fresh start well you know the American week starts on Sunday which I never got I'm familiar yes technically technically technically but come on it's Monday we all know it's Monday it's Monday it's like it's like Ellen you're like she's nice she dances like we all know it's a cunt we all know it's Sunday or Monday yeah

it's like it's like the people that are like I'll see you tomorrow and then you like you mean today because it's 1206 that's people that are like Sunday is the first day of the week and you're like no it's not fuck off hate that guy that guy stinks Ellen stinks or her box smells the whole thing's a bitch but you're ready for this nugget yeah stick it in my ass all right well you're not gonna come because this is bad news bears oh boy that a fun weekend on the road in Arlington Fat Criss Al Umar couple of Jews popping around just being fun drinking doing great shows new material get back to New York City check on the

hog gone what gone the lock is gone the the the the cover is gone the stain on the cemented the oil leak is gone the whole thing's gone what is it they cleaned the leak that's nice I think they clean the leak leak soup I I think I think I got towed oh towed so this just happened like today or yesterday today I came outside today I said I'm gonna go do some pull ups on the scaffolding like a Guido douche and the bike was not a gone it's saying I mean where was it parked so you it was parked somewhat illegally that you think it got towed or could have been stolen or or what well here's the here's

the clinker the neighbors hate it I got a bunch of geezers and old bags living in this building and I think they hate it the Supers like you know the neighbors they're all squawking about the hog and I'm like God he's fucking cocoon loving cunts and yeah so I think enough calls came in here's why I think it was towed because it was too clean of a job I inspected I got a magnifying glass I went elementary Watson up your ass I got down on my hands and knees I'm sniffing pebbles and do it you know feeling the railroad track like a native American and it's too clean of a job I mean if they cut the lock to be some dust or metal

shavings it's too good boy this is a bummer that thing is has been nothing but trouble since the day you were born I mean it's like the time machine you got to destroy this thing because you know you got it to see where we've been where we're going to figure out you know humanity but you know you're traveling back in time to rape your mom so you know your dad doesn't die I mean this is getting strange it's a biff it's up my ass I'm wearing 3d glasses it's the power of love I'm screwed here I've had a couple of nice moments on it you know what if my bike is like it's like a retarded son you get a couple of moments

he's eating jelly he's hands are sticky you know he's cute he can lift a car he's got a huge dong but it's still sad every night I gotta check on it I gotta make sure it's still there I gotta make sure the Puerto Rican kids aren't gonna kill him or he doesn't fuck a toaster or whatever it is but you get a couple joy joyful moments but the rest is misery and worry well you got to do what you do with the retarded son I mean it's you know it's no one around it but you gotta you gotta put some weights on it throw it in the river or sell it I mean sell it for parts and and buy a non-retard vehicle but also by the way

the thing is beautiful but I did see you riding it for the first time that's a noisy son of a bitch I mean I can see why all the neighbors would hate you drove by I was walking down the street and I said if I was in an apartment that you were driving by I'd call up the fuzz and say hey listen we got a we got a troublemaker out here that things louder than my my my sister's asshole on a Wednesday night it's got a quiff like a like a John Deere I get you it's 80s it's from the 80s everything was louder in the 80s you know share the other guy bono 80s baby so yeah it's old it's a two stroke much like Louis but yeah it's

brutal so I don't know what to do maybe I'll put it in hawk or whatever put in the garage I'll put in the Smithsonian with the puffy shirt I don't know but you're right it's it's brought me a lot of hassle I mean this is getting crazy so what do you do you got to call the city or you call 911 you call your parents what what happens what what's the next step the parents won't answer so I'm just gonna go down to the the DM anal and then let them put a big uncle Sam dick up my asshole and you know I gotta pay for the the shipping cost then you got to get the the thing out of there and yeah it's a whole thing I don't have to

go I'm sorry I don't have to go to the DMB I've got the impound right so let me ask you this what how do you take care of that vehicle legally like if you were like I'm tired of this what do I do what do you do with the vehicle what are you supposed to do put it in your apartment put it on get a parking garage where where and how can you park this vehicle because it sounds like you can't park it anywhere I know it's weird I parked on the sidewalk every day of my life and it got towed once you remember the big saga a year ago because I didn't have a plate on it I didn't have it registered I didn't even sure it okay I'll give you

that I get it but now I got a plate on it's registered it's got a spit shine I got by got new tires on there and I think this is just they call in enough and you know you get a lot changed you know no more chokeholds or by the police or whatever the hell so I think that's what happened so you think your hypothesis is the neighbors kept calling the police saying hey you got to get rid of this bike it's killing us I think so and they probably said hey it's a hazard I'm 900 years old I could trip on the kickstand and follow my hip and you know die in the shower I fall and I can't get up so I think that's what it is but I

hope it's at the impound that's the sad part of life it's the impound would be hell just to get it out there's a whole thing you got to wait there with a bunch of construction workers going fucking to Blasio I'll eat his ass out with a fucking spoon you know and so I hope it's at the impound but if it's not it's stolen boy yeah I'm hoping for impound too but they I mean stolen in some ways sounds better I mean don't you have insurance if it's stolen you can say this is stolen then you get some money back we got a good accountant maybe I don't know no insurance never did it oh boy oh wait no I do have insurance but I

got collision in case some fat kid sits on it and breaks a spoke but no what was that I heard a haunted house yeah we got all squeaky doors so Sarah came in she was here for five seconds only put her stuff down picked up a thing but you know it's New York everything sucks in New York tell me about it ten million dollars yet we have a nice apartment every single door I thought Betty White opened her legs over there now it's it's horrible there's no way to live every floor you put a marble on it and it fucking rolls out your asshole it's just nonsense the windows don't close the heat's too hot there there's no

air conditioning the city sucks dick my floor too it's got more slants than World War two oh boy oh geez sorry I couldn't help it but yeah it's brutal over here it's like that game where you twist the sides and that the thing goes like that with the marbles remember I hate I hate those games everybody hated that was for Amish kids because it was no electronics by the way I speaking of Asians I knew an Asian kid he was like a master at all those games any little bullshit that you hand to it like Rubik's Cube and that thing and then the thing with the shavings we have paint a beard on the face the show sorry operation

this guy could really dominate any kind of piece of shit game we need little hands sounds like you had a little last burger pal there he might have is that burgers is that burgers good sometimes it sounds like it's positive like he's good at this and you're like maybe he's autistic so I'm like his ass burgers and autism good or bad I can't figure it out it's a little bit like a superpower you know kind of like how deaf people see really wait no what is it blind people here well I think other shit gets heightened so if you're if you got as burgers I think you can think well you can do mechanics and games but you

can't get a boner you can't you know eat without getting food on your face up there's something some bad to the good it's it's like Cosby it's got to even out you know he's America's dad but he's also a rapist I see that makes more sense that's a good way to describe as burgers thank you you should crack into the Wikipedia put that in there if there's a fan listening go into the Asperger's Wikipedia and try to put that quote in there and then screenshot it to see how long it lasts because as I understand you could just Wikipedia shit can't you yeah you can type in anything my my thing says I'm 41 years old I got a

black belt you know I'm from Tahiti it's all over the place that sounds pretty good yeah that's a fun guy to hang out with all right so I got so much shit to throw at you I don't know where to begin yeah I know what you that was one already you teased a 20 minute crazy epic insane fuck your mother's story I mean the people must want it I mean they've been waiting for a week well so we get into that or what happens I'll give it a quick cuz it's a 20 minute story but I'll give it I've had enough time to cool down that I feel like I'm not gonna just rail about every little fact that grinds my gears okay so I'll give but I if you

want to go with your thing let it let it rip because I don't want to do two in a row here and well I got a few things I mean some of it I touched on in a in a queef which by the way I gotta plug the patreon for God's sakes we just did a Sopranos commentary we got the stranger by the lake commentary we did an extra bonus yesterday last week just a random bonus so there's two 20 30 minute bonuses up there's you know the two movie things all the live episode there's a ton of shit on there and more coming in our assholes so so get on there we're trying to put up some some better numbers and we got some guests on there

too we got Tim Dillon's got an episode and Soder Stavros yes a lot of good eggs and then the live ones there the the the guest list like Michelle Wolf are she fear Nikki Glazer Yana's pop is you name it Christy Ron Bennington yes go all Berger oh yeah Nick Vaterot yes cute a lot of good ones so so please go sign up for the patreon do it now there's a ton of bonus shit but so last week yes we talked about it a little bit on the quefer but I went down to New Jersey because I was supposed to go to this see here now music festival that I go to every year and I booked the hotel way

in advance because if you remember last year I didn't I waited to book the hotel and end up being fucking nine thousand dollars for some shit hotel so I booked way in advance completely forgot about it because everything got canceled then I get the text saying hey are you all set to come to the Mayfair hotel I said fuck I completely forgot about it but why not go down to the Jersey Shore for a few days so we we got a centra I got a centra to a 2018 CPO suck my dick see we got a baby sitter we put on leather pants we drove down to New Jersey and what a time we stayed in Belmar which I could see my whole future so clearly

and don't write to me everybody don't messes and say Jersey Shore sucks this beach is better if you want to write great choice fuck you that's great terrific I'm proud of you your father loves you terrific lay it on me but this is my life we're moving to Belmar New Jersey I mean you know me I fall in love with everywhere but this is the one you know what I mean I'm one of these guys that wants to fuck every stripper he gets a laugh dance from cheer laugh dance that was like a Freudian slip I think I said laugh hi that's not a bad club strippers and comics laugh dance we call it joke off instead of jerk oh maybe

something like that I like it that sounds like a contest but I bet I'll win I'm quick does it's true I don't come quick anymore it takes me about three weeks I don't know last night was pretty quick so anyways I'm moving to Belmar not today not tomorrow but next week at least that sounds like an old people place like the Bel Boca Vista Belmar it sounds oldie like it sounds you're retiring I'm gonna be all over that shuffleboard court but we go down there I mean the the Jersey Shore is pristine I mean miles of ocean they did quite a disservice this TV show because they found eight fucking retards and they

put them on TV so everyone goes oh Jersey and then the turnpike of course runs right through a gas fire or a rubber fire whatever so everyone's like it smells like shit and fucking the mob and whatever but that's a spectacular place the Garden State Parkway you know my mother's bush whatever it's it's lovely so we go down there we get this hotel the hotel's shit by the way it's this location location shit 250 bucks a night I handle 8750 and I realized I realized afterwards if I had just canceled my reservation and made a new one it would have been cheap because they would have been paying us to stay there COVID deal

exactly that sucks that shit really kills me it didn't occur to me until I checked in and paid them I was like that this was we thought there was gonna be a music festival prices right I should have gotten there's a huge fucking disease and everybody hates themselves prices yeah I mean they must have been rolling off the red carpet like whoa we got a we got a live one here look at the city it's he's still on the bill exactly I think they're like this two city hipsters that don't realize that we would have sold them a hotel room for 12 bucks in a pair of shoes but whatever the money's gone forget it I already spent it in my

head blah blah blah all that bullshit gone so we check in now here's the thing and I mentioned this on the quefer but there's nothing really to do there's no music festival bowling alleys are closed that it's too cold for the beach we can't swim yeah and so we're like I don't know the room sucked by the way it's a piece of shit hotel so we're like I don't even know what to do so you know I'm springsteen obsessed and I'm like oh last one time I took a pilgrimage down there years ago by myself I went to his childhood home I went to the Stone Pony I went to all these places and Sarah's like that sounds fun so I was like what

are you kidding you you'd be interested in this and she's like sure I don't care so we great why we packed a lunch I put on you know greatest hits live from 75 darkness on the edge of town all and I've got a slamming cranked we're gonna run we drove to freehold went to his childhood home it's all it's all Mexican the whole neighborhood's all Latino and Native Americans so we fucked a couple of them and had a taco just stared at his house for a half hour then we went to his church I'm just standing outside his church you know Sarah's on tiktok she doesn't give a fuck but I'm like I'm kneeling on those steps and posing

does he I must have a ton of people because you go to Elvis's house and it's seven old ladies with blue hair fingering themselves there must be a couple of Jews outside of Springs I think every once in a while but this is a not this is somebody's home like Elvis's house is like a museum and that like Elvis used to live here whatever Graceland yeah this is like a Mexican family's house I'm just staring they're having like a yard sale next door literally and so I'm picturing adobe I don't know why probably thought I was ice pulling up I mean it's just like a white guy you know blasting born in the USA

they thought it was gonna be a hate crime so that was cool and we went and then we he lives now he lives in Colts neck and you can't really find that address because he's on like a 400 acres or something but we drove around there looking for him and a little stalkery a fatty it was quite a day we couldn't find them then we went to Asbury Park and walked around there and bought a $50 cheeseburger which was insane but great day and then it comes to nightfall and we're like well what are we gonna do now and movie theaters just opened in New Jersey so we said what do you think and there was not really even discussion it

was like I don't give a shit you give a shit I don't give a shit so we went and watched fat Russell Crowe in a truck and it was us two and two other people we had a great time and when we laughed we pushed each other in the bushes had some candy I had M&Ms for the first time in 20 years nice it was a great great time and we went back the next night and watched Tenet which was the most confusing movie I mean if someone asked me to explain life I'd have an easier time than explaining that film I don't get it I need a tenant for my apartment I'll tell you that still no tenant no tenant I got no bike I got no tenant

I'm eight rents I'm swimming in it fatty I'm dying here I'm in quicksand lieutenant Dan I'm legless I got nothing good good luck with that I don't know what to say about that that's tricky maybe get it dad you're like the Belmar hotel you got to go down to 900 bucks a month and just I think you're right I think you're right I'm screwed here screwed the pooch but anyways we went and saw a tenant and if it helps you get a tenant they were moving forwards and backwards in time at the same time or some bullshit love to go backwards I can charge five grand for that shoebox yeah well whatever it's it's a cookie movie

but we had a great time and I just saw it so clearly I'm like we got to get a house we can walk to the beach we can swim in the ocean it's an hour and a half drive to the city but hey Astoria on the train on a bad night can be an hour plus so good point I'm moving to Belmar I'll see you another time and that's that that's my story I'm sticking to it well that's the thing about nobody talks about the Jersey Shore they go I will go there for vacation we'll fuck a wop and a dago or we'll move to Florida and go down to the Boca Raton or you know Miami but Jersey Shore is right there it's a great beach sure it gets cold but you still

want some seasons in your life you grew up in the in the in the New England area you know you're used to that yeah I like seasons the only problem is you're about 45 minutes to Newark that's like your closest airport that's a hall yeah that far yeah and I'm used to being 15 minutes from the airport so that's gonna be tricky but I don't know you're halfway to Philly and there's no down there there's no getting out of the city you know how it is to leave the city you got for me I got two river crossings the fucking tunnel the Lincoln tunnel the Holland tunnel your mother's gun tunnel it's brutal brutality getting in out of

the city so you start from down there you're DC Philly all just you're halfway there here here there there I hear you I like Jersey I'm I'm with you I'm in the in the camp of Jersey's underrated it gets a bad anal I think it's I think it's top-notch lunch yeah so that's that's that was my weekend two weekends ago but I know you got a lot of I'm dying to hear it my my assholes why open I need a cock well cocks are coming bend over and dilate so kid hits me up goes hey weird times I'm a fan I live in Long Island like an hour in not far in will you come to a show in my backyard for a good amount of money and I said I'm free that

night it's a weekday doesn't affect my my road gigs let's do it but you got to provide me with a ride I'm sick of this finding a Long Island trains I'm on the New Jersey transit on the LIRR I'm going to Dachau and Auschwitz I don't know where I'm going so he said I'll get a kid to pick you up and I said you got yourself a deal dickless so he hooks me up with this kid this kid's an open miker he's 19 and I just said make sure you don't set me up with a weirdo because it's an hour and a change right I don't be sitting there talking to some you know come staying for half an hour about you know Biden so he goes I got their

perfect kid he's great he's 19 you're gonna love him so the kid I said give my number kid text me goes I'm on my way I'll be there at this time the show is at eight he said I'll be at your house at five okay I said what are you crazy it's an hour drive what is that he goes well I'll be a little traffic and we can hang out and I'm like a hang out I don't like the sound of this and then he texts me do you mind if I pick your brain about comedy and I was like this is exactly what you're not supposed to do what are you crazy like let the comedy convo I love talking comedy I'm a nerd but let it come up naturally don't just

plan it and I was like yeah we'll see what happens and then here's the clinker he writes maybe we could shoot some videos together in the car okay all right okay that we got to be on in the car I just want to get there well I think what does he mean by that is he talking like a tiktok where he goes you say you know you do a wink and a gun or is he talking like a film I mean what are you shooting is it you know mark of Arabia or is it just a quick hello we'll be at the show tonight mark of Arabia wouldn't be a bad picture but I think he just wanted to do like some tiktok he Instagram stuff me and him whoo here we

go and I said I will see what happens I hate I hate you already I'll sit in the backseat so he shows up we we I sit in the backseat he's got another fat kid in the car thank God they're chatting I stick the I stick to the back I love the backseat people always fight for shotgun give me the backseat any day yeah the view sucks because you can't see in the true yeah much less pressure yes it depends on the front seat it depends who's in the car true because the one thing what situation give me a back absolutely the one thing with the back seat is the other two people up front are projecting forward so you can't hear

shit so that's tough but if you're with a couple of stinkers the backseat is glorious you can even doze off and you're like they're like oh he fell asleep we better exactly not to mention like I feel bad if I'm on my phone in the front seat I feel like I'm supposed to kind of keep be on keep this guy up he's put poor guys driving so I gotta you know I gotta entertain a little bit you want to fix the radio or any of that shit a lot of pressure put a CD in eight track whatever whatever year it is so I love the backseat we get there now here's what sucks now I hope they don't that these were nice kids I don't want to shit on

these kids they were nice but they're gonna be devastated either way but go nice kids whatever so the whole the whole ride there you know you're you're sussing up the show you go all right so it starts at eight how many comics they go I think it's about like six comics doing ten I was like Jesus that's never good you want to hear it's a host one guy's doing ten than you and I said all right all right that's that's kind of a lot and he goes hey you never know maybe somebody will drop out and I was like all right he goes oh and a couple musical acts are going on I go yeah one or two and I was like oh shit all right

this show is running now two hours and change here but whatever I'm not there yet maybe I'll feel it out when I'm there so we finally get there at like 740 the shows at eight which is already like eh whatever it's 20 minutes to wait I'll I'll dick around and you know you're just sitting there everybody's coming up to you one guy said will you do my podcast I said sure maybe I don't know we'll see what happens that's always brutal then it's a backyard it's packed there's a DJ it's on it's like under a basketball hoop it looks like leave it to beaver house you know it's a garage with a basketball hoop and you perform under

the hoop DJ right here lawn chairs backyard loud as hell and they go we're gonna start at 8805 DJ goes up does a whole thing then a musical act does like 15 minutes just like a weirdo with a guitar then a lady goes up and sings 15 minutes so at this point I'm just walking around the neighborhood with headphones in because I'm just like this is taking so long I'm bored sitting here whoo this is what you realize what green rooms are invented for yeah this I mean this sounds horrendous and I'm trying not to exaggerate I'm trying to keep this serious so now we're 30 minutes in it's 830 first comedian goes up the

host funny guy they're like oh he's at governors all the time you gotta see this guy funny guy probably does 1512 whatever then and I'm just walking around the neighborhood I'll check in every now and then first comic goes up second comic and then I meet one guy and he's he's super cocky and I think he's coked up and I heard him go I'm standing in the back and he goes uh who's that guy and they go that's Mark Norman he's the headliner he goes oh all right cool and he goes up he goes big fan big fan like get into who I was he tries to pull that shit he's all fucked up and he's just talking a mile a minute like yeah

you know if you ever need a guy if you ever need a guy I'm your guy I'm the dude I'm like all right all right cool and I can't even get a word in and he goes I think he's trying to look cool tell me if you've seen this one he goes up to the host he goes how much time I do and host goes 10 he goes I'm letting you know now I'm running that light and he was like why he's like oh I got I got a lot to get off my chest I'm run I'm gonna ramble and I was like ramble so I pull the host way I was like light that guy at 10 or light him at 8 like let's get him off and he's like ah he's funny he's funny he's a cool guy but hey I don't

know he's he's on one tonight I'm like light him early I don't want nobody's running the light like why would he tell you he's gonna be an asshole I hated this guy that's insane I mean that's I don't even know begin where I don't know where to begin I mean I'm gonna run the light that's horrible it's like the people that are like I'm gonna apologize in advance and you're like well just don't do the thing that you're about to do exactly that's ridiculous a cocky guy I don't know I think he was coked up whatever and you know he's like man man I'm I'm I'm gonna kill her I open for her for this guy open for that guy and I'm

like just the whole time like I hate you already but whatever and I got to say the guy who put this on did a great job like the place was packed they're selling beer over here the selling weed over here he's got a professional DJ it's he's got lights his good sound but he just they booked too many people because they all all these young people in Long Island go I can get up put me up you're my friend so I get it it's a tough situation so I'm just walking around the neighborhood this guy who goes up he says the n-word so many times that I'm standing in like I'm standing on the sidewalk just kind of waiting and three

black guys walk out and I go hey as a joker where you guys going they go and we're this and we're that I can't handle it I'm out of here I was like geez he said the n-word so much that three black guys were like this is too much was he white or black black guy all right all right that's still still yes but I mean that's so that story is different which depending of course of course but it's one of those things were like now it's 905 910 920 and I'm like man I still haven't gone on how am I gonna get home and I start doing the thing where I'm going up to the host and I'm you try to be nice and you just

start thinking like man if I was this comic I would have snapped if I was this comic I would have snapped I got it but it's my fault I said yes I got to start being more selective with gigs but I didn't I guess I got to get more info in the beginning yes because I got there and it's just a shit show and we got there like 730 so now I'm here two hours we're getting on the two and a half hours and I still haven't gone on and I still got to do a half hour so also the crowd is just shit-faced now at this point they've been there all night and he does a long set there the coked up guy people are walking out whatever it

finally gets off then a couple more comics go on couple more comics go on I'm getting like the can you watch me can you watch my set and all that shit and finally now it's like I don't know 920 whatever it is 930 at 10 o'clock I finally go on and it was good I like trashed it a little bit I had to get it out and it went well I did like a half hour but here's the clinker I go who's driving me back they go oh we never thought about that what now everybody's trashed all the comics are trashed everybody's been boozing up and they're like I don't want to leave it's a party now so I go what's the deal with the

train and they go oh there's an 11 oh no what was it it was there's an 1158 but if you missed that no it wasn't it was like 1128 but if you missed that there's a midnight so I look at my watch and I go all right it's 1118 how far is the train station the guys like it's about 12 minutes and I go get the kid get in there so we jump in this kid's car he's hauling ass we missed the train we watch it go by oh god I mean I we ran out of there to I feel like can I get a photo can I get a pic you want to do my podcast you want to fuck my sister I'm just like it was enough I had too much and I ran out of there we missed the

train so now it's like a cold night and the guy and there's no indoors it's just a train stop platform outdoors and so me and this guy talked for half an hour or whatever the hell it was 20 minutes waiting for the next train then I wrote an hour back to Penn Station then I got off at Penn Station and then waited for the a and went home is brutal I mean that's my 130 to my worst nightmare in the world is being stuck someplace yes I can remember being at a house party was one of those ones where they just pile all the cars into the yard you know and then my car was like double triple parked and I just wanted to leave and I

couldn't get it out everyone's drunk and fucked up and you're like I need you to move your car that's his car I don't know where my keys are that feeling of being stranded somewhere is just a nightmare I mean that sounds brutal you gotta get your agent involved in these things tell them hey this is the deal this this and this and he can't have this well I'm a queef because they you know it's a couple hundred bucks and I'm like well if the agent comes in you lose this much I don't know I also the agent would just go no this is crazy I'm not doing that but I'd rather make 500 bucks on a Wednesday than not make 500

bucks on a Wednesday you would have given 50 bucks for 50 bucks you wouldn't have to deal with all these fucking idiots true but he would have turned it all down he would like oh this is a horrible deal what's a backyard what does people filming what no way there's no security fuck that which is a good agent but I'd rather make the cash and get in get in get out but I just didn't think everything was falling apart and I felt bad the poor host was a good guy and he felt bad but nobody thinks about the ride home nobody think they go you're gonna do a show you're gonna tell jokes everybody's gonna love it and it'll be

great but what about me what about me getting back yeah they don't worry about that cuz your work is done they don't give a shit about you anymore exactly and then they're like oh you want us to drive you an hour and change back I've been I've had 10 beers I'm high I'm gay and you're like what about me but I learned my lesson you know got home at 115 whatever it was and I was steaming like the whole the whole ride I was like god damn it you know but yeah learn my lesson I don't do some ads I'd say this I got food in my tits your agent works for you you make this decisions god damn it and also Ray Khan yes they make a

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today feels.com slash Tuesdays that's f e a l s dot com slash Tuesdays become a member get 50% off automatically on your first order with free shipping one more time feels.com slash Tuesdays and feel better that sounds nice boy I had a I got to take you through this is I know you got a lot more I had a I texted you a little bit about it I had a crazy Friday night here in New York City oh yeah well it was my first time at tiny cupboard a tiny cupboard which if you're listening at home you maybe you don't know maybe you're not a New Yorker tiny cupboard somehow this is out in Bushwick Brooklyn which is far out there and it's

become like the center of comedy everyone's like this is the new comedy venue everyone has a show there there's three shows a night it's really something else those two owners it's like a cute couple they're cleaning up well we we met them and they get involved in this one I don't know how many details I can really get into here but it's my first time out there I got two shows at tiny cupboard and this is a little strange I'm on the 7 o'clock show at tiny cupboard and I'm on the 10 o'clock show at tiny cupboard and then Sarah has like an 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock show at tiny cupboard so I'm going

what do they do they do three shows and in three hours what is it where the shows an hour long and everyone keeps going oh they do a ton of shows first of all everyone keeps saying you're gonna love it the place is amazing and so I'm all built up like okay I can't I've seen pictures it's on a roof it's beautiful so I drive out there I got my my sentra I leave very early because I'm paranoid about time drive out there through the traffic Friday evening commuter traffic find some parking in this this neighborhood's a little spicy oh spicy and dicey yeah I mean it's not politically correct or whatever but it's there's a

lot going on there oh yeah it looks like a third world country out there at the above ground train the litter the graffiti it's wild yeah it's uh it's it's not Kansas no no no it there's cans but I think Kansas so yeah I parked and um there's a lot of just you know unfortunate street people walking around kind of like you know really people kind of tuned up over there yeah and so you're bumping into them then just a lot of you know party people whatever so I go over and I can't even find the club it's like in it's above like a it's just in a building it's just above a bodega I guess finally find it and you got to walk up five flights of stairs I think and then you get

there's a little sign that says tiny cupboard outside and it's a fire escape you got to walk up a fire escape it's those kind of stairs with nothing underneath it's like a great right and there's no there's nothing there you're just looking straight down five floors and then the railing the building's from 1922 so the railing everyone was a veeter back then everyone's three and a half feet tall so the railings at like your thigh and I'm holding on with two hands it's terrifying like I had my hands on the steps like a child and I'm not even afraid of heights but it's just it's that rickety yeah it's rickety and you got to think hundreds of people go up and down every day fatties little guys you know they bring equipment up there they

bring instruments they bring amps and it's got to be illegal it's the whole thing is wacky so I get up there I bump into Richie Redding my old pal which is nice to bump into someone you know no not someone that you're like I don't know who this is fuck me who am I talking to yes but everyone has masks on so we're chatting and I'm just standing in the back I'm like okay I'm probably on in about 20 minutes because I was I showed up almost towards the end of the show and the guy on stage I know him and he wasn't promoted on the show but I was like I probably threw him up so I'm just standing there for about 10 minutes and then I go you ever get that feeling we're like something feels weird right now and so I asked Richie oh yeah summer he's like I go who's

who runs the show he introduced me to a woman and I was like hey nice to meet you and then a couple minutes passed and I go who runs the show he's like the woman I just introduced you to and I was like no no I'm looking for someone named Noah and he's like I don't know who that is and just in that moment I went this feels strange let me just double check where I'm supposed to be uh-oh not a tiny cupboard at all I'm at a different venue 280 messa roll street oh so I know that one I'm like what am I doing for some reason I'm at the later the whole time for months I thought I got two shows at tiny cupboard I don't know why I thought that I don't know what happened and I never making I never make fuck ups like that I never do that so I'm like what is what this is insane so I look

it up I type it into the address and part of me wishes I could just go dude I fucked up I fucked him sorry I can't come yep I type it in I told him he's like your spots at 815 try to be here by eight I said I'll be there well before eight I try to be a real pro I got to tiny cupboard at 730 time has passed I'm just lingering hanging out at a venue that I'm not on so I type it into Google Maps it says 18 minutes Friday night traffic it's all red and yellow so I'm like I gotta make a decision I'm like I gotta go for it because I think I can make it good for you I run down the stairs I'm crying with my eyes closed just trying to make it down those fucking stairs run all the way down the stairs I get back to my car I jogged to my car now I feel like it looks bad I'm just

like jogging through this neighborhood I'm the only white guy it looks like I'm scared but and then I slid across the hood like Marty McFly get in the car I'm texting what I thought was a guy it turned out to be a woman I thought it's NOA Noah I thought it was a dude so I kept being like thanks man you got it bro and then I meet it's like this beautiful woman so I'm like sorry I don't know no no hard feelings I get to the other venue and they're like all right you're on in five minutes that venue is beautiful that 280 mess roll beautiful back door patio a brick wall lights tent fantastic it was packed and they were so nice they were understanding I had a good set there really fun so then I run back to the car now I gotta drive back to tiny cupboard fine parking again walk back to the

club get a couple slices of pizza now I'm going up the fire escape with two slices of pizza I couldn't even hold on that was horrifying yep I get up there and now Sarah is on this show my show is the next show she's on this show now the lineup features Aaron Berg and Gino Boscanti wow not a Brooklyn crew not a Brooklyn crew and these guys are edgy yes let's just say the least let's just say that uh not pc and Gino's a guy he's from the 90s he's say things you're not supposed to say that's his brand yeah fun guy you know good hang bit of a he likes the sauce but I haven't seen him go up since you know Reagan so he's uh he's on the lineup and so right away I'm like uh I feel like Kramer with the hawk and the the pigeon or whatever the fuck it was

or the squirrel the hawk and the squirrel oh yeah yeah I'm like these are enemies so there she's like I'm like you let me know I told the whole like let me know when Gino's going on because I want to you know yes pull the cotton out of my ears and get involved in this so sure I mean this is hip hipster tiny cupboard top of the ceiling top of the roof bushwick and so she's getting ready to bring on Gino and I put my mask on pulled my hood over my head and I took a seat fourth row center I'm like this has got to be spicy I don't blame you right away I mean Gino goes into his act and he's saying words that I'm not even comfortable saying on this podcast and you can feel it right away I mean a lot of people are laughing I do not want to make

it sound like he just ate shit but you slowly hear from a woman over here not cool bro not cool and then over before she's done yelling this woman over here goes this sucks racist and then a guy over here goes I cosine and it just starts getting and you know and and he just goes harder and he starts going into holocaust jokes and people are going get off the stage and some people are yelling shut up at them and wow fuck you fuck this and he's loving it the comics start heckling the hecklers I mean it was it was Jerry Springer I mean this turned into a wild show at one you don't know me at one point a woman yelled you're retarded and then Aaron Berg from the south of the stage he goes hey my wife is retarded and the woman took it quite like Ernest she was

like shit all right whoa so she kind of pulled back you can't fight pc with on pc you know it doesn't work oh it's hilarious I mean to yell you're retarded at someone who's offending you by language is really funny it's a clan member yelling at a Nazi here now and now we're doubling down it was quite spicy and and Gino just he got in it through he seemed to enjoy it and again he was getting last but he was getting a lot of people hot under the collar I mean it was it was it was a show I'll just say that did they throw him off the roof what happened how's the closer so he came off and then Aaron Berg was up and Berg is is similarly edgy and he he killed yeah and then at one point I overheard the woman that he said hey my wife is retarded

because he's saying retired now on stage and she goes oh so he could say retire but I can't she never got the irony right right they really do so she was upset and then they were talking it was a whole thing I mean it was really quite a show it was something yeah and then afterwards we were talking to those owners they were really sweet and the woman the heckler woman she was sending these long messages and these people they're not in comedy they just have a space and they wanted to do something positive for the community and so they're like what do we do what is this uh should we ban him should we ban our set should we give her free tickets this whole thing and it was kind of funny to watch them try to deal with it but we were like you're you're good just tell

it you know you didn't book them and just apologize to the lady and I was like don't forget that the lady could also be completely psychotic like this could be a crazy woman so don't worry too much about her you're fine they were like are we gonna get canceled so that was a whole situation but wow it was it was quite a thing to see Gino in bushwick yeah boy oh boy I mean you almost want to you hope he gets booked more just to see it oh I loved it I mean I I loved the hell it was it was a spectacle that's exactly what it was and I loved it and then people started to get drunk and then they kind of stuck around for the next show I did Shafi show which was fun and we got the hell out of there but that car ride it was one of those ones you're like you can't tell who's around because

it's dark and you're up there oh yeah so we drove Katie Hannigan back me Sarah and Katie were like just I was like just wait till we're in the car when we're in the car we're gonna dissect this whole thing and so it was a great ride home and uh quite a night I mean it was really something to have those worlds collide yes it was like it was like Twitter live oh that's good and you got to you got a front row seat there fatty boy that's exciting and maybe it'll help him get booked more and uh I don't know maybe we need a little of that you know I mean when a guy says it and you go shut up read talk I mean maybe you realize hey this is not such a big deal you know like that's crazy like you you did it right you sat back you're like I don't have a dog in this

Gweef I'm just gonna enjoy this yeah I thought uh you know it was it was fun I was liking every tweet I was like all right that's great this is great you know exactly but it's not gonna help him get booked there I can tell you that that was his first and last tiny cupboard performance so that's hilarious to get banned from a roof like hey you're so crazy we can't have you on this roof that's insane it was it was really something and uh he he went he leaned right in there he did not give a shit because if one person's like get off the stage I'm like all right you're probably right see you later I would have dove off that roof but totally but I saw those I did the show there last night and and it's that that show is the talk of the town I mean there's a buzz yeah I mean I was

saying oh I'm like that is not a great not a thoughtful booking yes I mean or unless that's what you want I mean you have to know though this is gonna this is not gonna go this is not gonna be uneventful right right you know performing in bushwick also kudos to Aaron because he says a lot of horrible things and he kills which is like somehow maybe because you're five one you get away with it I don't know but it's good for him oh yeah he went up there and he was like that was my best friend I mean if you got booed and heckled I would go up there and be like I never met that guy I don't know what his problem is what a piece of shit sorry ladies he should ban him um that's a joke people will take that serious and be like he's a funny wood fucking whatever

yeah yeah yeah but anyways all right I gotta yield my time because I know you got a lot more and we're uh we're running low here well I got a confession to make and this might be a little Tuesday's history in the making right here oh boy I really screwed up I did something horrible and I gotta talk about it on the pod oh boy yeah well remember that text I sent you I don't know a couple weeks ago like uh should I buy this thing and you said I love mine I highly recommend it I think you should do it I heard a little I gotta be honest I have a little birdie oh that told me a little bit about this where I think we're headed here wait who's the birdie I got a little info about this oh is he is it a black bird no black bird it's not a crow huh no crow all right all right we'll

cut that out he's more of a uh well I don't want to say I'll say after I don't want to pick a bird for him though because we might get shut oh oh oh big beak I get it I get it you can you can so all right I don't know who took cans so so hit me with it because I'm a little nervous aware this is headed here it it's not headed in anywhere good there's nothing good will come of this it's a huge mistake I've I've made my life worse by doing this oh geez so you've seen the bike you see how much strife I go through with the hog a lot of bike strife if I can amplify that divide it by 10 and multiply it by a thousand because uh you know me I like an old vehicle and I like to dabble on this bring a trailer which is like an ebay for cars you you can bid and you

know you know it goes so every now and then I'll bid on a Porsche or a cool old Volkswagen just to be a skank and uh I start bidding on this one car it's a 1973 BMW it's super cool it's sexy it's old it's in good shape and now I didn't realize this I'm an idiot I'm going back and forth with some guy in uh Milwaukee some piece of shit dad who ran out on his kids and he's got car money and we just keep going and now the ego is kicking in oh he's going here's another hundred and I go fuck you I've been unfallen here's another one and he's going hey how about this and I'm going huh and he's got his kids are in college and his wife's overweight so he doesn't give a shit and we just kept going I didn't realize you know you're watching like okay the clock is ticking

like when it hits zero if you're the last guy you win but when you make a bid huh it's a timer it's a timer like ebay but if you make a bid it adds two minutes ah which I didn't know about so I'm like all right two seconds left push it and then it would click on the two more minutes I'm like what the hell is this so now he would bid I didn't know that so I was like maybe my computer's not refreshing maybe uh my wi-fi's slow I have special needs I don't know what's going on and we just kept going and going and it just kept ticking up so I got the car I won oh my god so wait hold on so first of all my your ego is not your amigo I just want to say that to you and all the listeners but so what do you mean you want so what does it

do it just says jackpot he quits he emails you what happens he gave up it was we kept going it was too much I spent way more than I wanted to spend and I blew it and I don't know now now like it's like when you jizz it all comes clear I get the email you won the bid you won the auction congratulations and I'm like oh it's all coming in now and I'm like where am I going to put this thing it's old it's like a collector's item it's gonna rust it's a lot of money I gotta put new parts in it I screwed so how does this work so what do you do do you have it have you gotten it do they deliver it where is it what what the fuck it's coming from California on a trailer mm California so is that all part of the bid they drive it no I gotta pay for that now I'm in

contact with the guy who sold it at some dude who's like yeah my wife hates the car so I had to get rid of it and I have a surgery I need so I don't have any money and oh I mean I'm in a world of hell here I'm like I'm like send me all the parts it needs he's like that's up to you now you're on your own dickless he's sending me the keys in an envelope I'm swimming Jerry I'm freaking out all right here's the thing don't push the panic button it is what it is first of all where's the joy you need some joy you gotta you got a sweet ride baby what is it it's a 73 BMW yes it's it's sexy it's cute it's it's it's worth a lot of money if I fix it up but it's just like I don't have a garage I can't just put this thing on the sidewalk like the hog I gotta I gotta

figure this out I gotta but you're right you're right get some joy get a little perspective all I got a pretty good deal on it for what it is and uh I'm gonna just step by step like an alcoholic one day at a time I'll find the garage then I'll buy the right carburetor then I'll get this thing then I'll get the whatever and all that and then I'll just do it slowly I'll find the right mechanic I'll talk to other people now I'm in the BMW uh forum now I'm in all right so that's good I mean this is all good you could call Jerry in the meantime borrow one of his garage spots and say hey I got this that's something I'm sure that was on your mind when you were a bit in there but that's exciting you get the car there once the car's there I mean what's happened has happened

you have the car you bought the car you like the car it's over so you got you like Susan don't you maybe I'll start smoking you got the car so then for then you could there's some street parking you might be able to find some street parking in the meantime I would start looking at garages but you can also go on Facebook market to find uh someone with a driveway or whatever there's also a place that I know of I can't say it on the air because it's a secret spot that I don't want anyone to know about hit me because it'll ruin it after there's a place near me you can put your car no street cleaning no nothing you can I left my car there for 10 days can't or leave this car for months I don't want to tell you where all right so that's an option

because this isn't this isn't a commuter car it's not like you're gonna be taking this thing every day no no it's a special car this is to come visit me in Belmar so yes there is a place it could live for free in the meantime and you know and also if you're not driving it all the time you might be able to find a cheap-ish garage somewhere who knows Brooklyn or something exactly so I like this attitude this is good because it almost feels like I nutted in a woman and she was like what the hell are you thinking and I was like oh and I have a kid on the way like but I'm dealing with it I'm freaking out but I'm dealing with it you'll deal with it and but yeah this this mutual friend said oh he got a car and I said oh that's great and then he told me what kind and I was like

what I thought you're gonna have a you know a Camry to go to to Philly in this is like this is for cruising and picking up dames you gotta ditch your girlfriend now that you have this thing I'd kill for a Camry I can put a Camry out in the jungle it'll be fine this thing's gonna rust this thing is gonna it's gonna get scratched stolen breathed on wrong I I'm ruined I mean this is a full-time job I just set myself up with I've ruined my whole life a pigeon could shit on it but it's gonna be cool you're gonna like you know Max Katie or something driving around with a cigar and laughing it up with a Hawaiian shirt I mean yeah but Max Katie got out of prison he's got no gig he's got all the time in the world and a couple dollars in the bank I'm gonna I'm gonna go broke on this

thing I got no apartment I got no tenant I'm living in a palace here I got a fucking you know priceless work of art behind me I have no finances for this we're in a pandemic the road is clearing up the the checks aren't as big this is a this is a big fuck up the ego I kept clicking you want to you want to beat me Milwaukee let's go don't tap on the glass but I think it'll be okay and we got to go for a ride I mean we got to make a video here I don't want to sound like that kid but no no I'd love to I'll get a selfie stick we'll do a yes BMW we'll make it you know bonus microphone vagina or whatever the fuck we'll come up with a BMW and what is it oh I get it no Mercedes Benz DMV what's it called again a Mercedes BMW BMW fuck I couldn't do it I don't

know why I got V I think VW came into my head right let's uh it's a boner uh uh boner boner monkey wigger I don't know but we'll figure something out I don't think we can say that anymore but uh either way we'll make some videos and uh we'll make some patreon stuff and the patreon will help pay for this thing yeah so join that patreon and uh I'm excited about it I think it's good news I love this attitude thank you I uh it helps me I appreciate because I'm freaking out yeah and you got the wind to come in there I mean you gotta just get a garage I'm gonna have to do it yeah what is this is this possible if I get the hog out of out of the hell hell pound can I take the bike to the garage put the bike in the spot and then take the car

or they probably wouldn't they got a rapy on everything you know I think it's one car I think you gotta register the car with the spot I believe right I think you just get a parking spot because if that was the case you could rent out your own parking spot for more money good point you could pay the garage 300 bucks and then sell it to someone else for 400 maybe or something right so I don't but we gotta wrap this up but I highly recommend the patreon like we said yes Tim Dillon uh fucking Krista Stefano all those guys Ari Shafia they're all on there oh yeah so they're live ones there's a Sopranos commentary that's stranger by the late commentary we're gonna do more commentary so now's a great time to get in there and all these shows are about to shut

down again so we're gonna be you think out of luck I think a lot all the outdoor shows are gonna shut down we're surging we have the autumn surge half the states have a a surge going right now so you know surgeon general Sergio Chacon I don't know right right okay well yeah get on as a ton of extra content and uh I think we get a little wilder and looser on the on the patreon on the queefs we're more ourselves so if you want to get down this is this is network you want to see some HBO get on the patreon we queef it up uh we got a ton of great guests ton of great content so uh tell a friend buy a shirt the merch is still out there and uh you know go fund me well yeah I'm I'm I got a bucket of bolts over here on on fucking six avenue that I really hate ruin

myself yeah do it up and uh this weekend you can still see us we're performing this weekend I'm in southern tin Connecticut it's craft beer comedy dot com go check that out and then Bloomington or Bloomfield or blew my dad on Halloween Connecticut on Saturday go check that out next week uh the 10th I'm in the rogue island festival I think those are both sold out that's uh I love that island and then that wins that sunday the 11th is that not sold out you and I together in Fairfield I gotta imagine that's gonna sell out it's getting close uh maybe I should promote it more yeah Fairfield it's a festival go to you know Fairfield comedy give that a goog and uh check us out there uh yeah we got some fun fun gigs coming up so that'll a lot of Connecticut

I'm doing Mohegan's son I'm doing soul Joel's again on October 21st get tickets for that that's selling pretty good and I'm at bananas this weekend in Jersey you want to come give me some car advice if you got a garage help me out you know give me a a tip on a good carburetor or manifold or person a fold whatever it is and uh yeah please help help a guy out I'm freaking out Paul manifold yeah come up from Belmar to bananas my future hometown um if it can make it that far I'll do it and uh also I gotta plug mindful metal jacket someone messes me like why don't you ever plug it I gotta plug it I do this other podcast it comes out Thursdays and this Thursday I got this chick this chick this 75 year old woman Sharon Salzburg who just wrote a book I just took a swing and

emailed some of these Buddhist instructors and said hey you want to do my podcast and this one woman responded and did it she's like a legend she helped bring Buddhism and meditation to the west all right go check it out nobody listens to the fucking thing please go subscribe and and listen and give a nice review and check it out there's some good stuff in there so gotta do that and how about speaking of plugs this is just within reach calling Quinn's new book overstated which Phil Hanley came up with a name for evidently is that right that's what it says in the back and uh it's hilarious and great so go check out calling Quinn's book and check out mindful metal jacket and I'm out of things to say yeah check it all out and uh we love you it's a weird

time but we're sticking together good luck with the uh the president I don't know who you got your money on but uh hopefully you win who you want to win and uh you know the debates are tonight that'll be insane so uh hopefully we don't all die and uh yeah praise Allah blow your mom and we'll uh we'll see you in hell George is saying cut it