Tuesdays with Stories! - #370 Tackle & Crackle

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

Can you believe it? It's another hot ep as Mark witnesses a car accident before stopping a potential intruder while Joe has tipping and subway mask drama. Check it out! Sponsored by: Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesdays) & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey folks! Here we are. Sorry, I'm a little snotty. What are you, what are you, got a plant back there? Oh, that's dying. Yeah, the lady made a, she made a plant run and we can't keep, keep it alive.

That's an audience plant. Is it? I don't know, that's a joke. What was it? August? Audience plant. Ah, there it is. Just like, what's that guy's name? Andy Kaufman's guy.

Oh, Tony and Zemuda. Zemuda, Bob. Tony Clifton, Bob Zemuda. There you go. Boy, you look fresh as a daisy and that shirt is whiter than Antifa. I got my birds, these are my Iowa birds. Ooh, that's cute.

Sarah realized it took a long time, many years, but I always buy these, I'm obsessed with college sports and so I'd always buy all these colleges everywhere I'd go. You know, you go to the school and you check out a game and I'd buy the thing and then Sarah made the observation that I just like having cartoon animals on my shirt. When you put it that way, it's kind of embarrassing. I think she's right.

I'm just a guy walking around with a wild cat on my shirt or a hawk eye, a bird, whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah, that's not bad. I gotta say though, I love a long-sleeved tee. Don't you love a long-sleeved tee? Yes. Number one favorite thing in the 90s, I was a long-sleeved tee with the t-shirt over it.

That was my one look that has passed me by. Big fan of that look. I was a skateboarder. That's all we did. I think the gals liked it, but now it's dad time. It's nerd alert. I know. I think we talked about this before.

I know I say that every episode, but it's so embarrassing that you don't know what's embarrassing until you get made fun of. Cargo shorts, jean shorts, t-shirt over the long sleeve, pantyhose on your head, whatever it is. It's not until someone's like, look at this fucking moron that you're like, shit, I'm an asshole. Right, but at least when you were a kid

or when we were younger, your friend would go, what the hell are you doing, dickless? And you're like, oh, I didn't know this was out. But now you post a photo in the whole world season. Before your friends told you, before you made an ass out of yourself to the whole community. No, I was walking around with acid-washed dad jeans in my 20s because my mother shopped for me

and she went to Marshall's or Sears. And it wasn't until I was with Soder and this Dame, I was kind of half dating and we were outside of Caroline's and these like two drunk hoodlums were like, look at you all, a fucking dumb jean. It was just like this acid wash, you fucking idiot, nice jeans, and it was like a moment of like, shit, do I have bad jeans?

Nobody told me. Right, I remember those jeans. Those things were super faded. I had faded like white jeans and like a leather jacket. I was leather jacket and white jeans guy. I didn't know nobody tells you. Oh man, that's tough. You dress like a guy at OTB.

I mean, I love OTB. I've realized I'm a piece of shit. I'm a white trash piece of shit. I mean, I'm the same way. I just, who keeps up? What are we reading? A fashion magazine? We're going to fashion week and taking notes.

Oh, that's good. All right. I mean, how do you know? I'm still not confident in my jeans, the t-shirts I'm just going with. I don't know what's what. Ted Baker, you know, Galman wore a Ted Baker. I'm like, he seems like somebody.

So I kept going Ted Baker, but those might be gay. I have no idea. I don't know either. I just learned cargo shorts were out. Yeah. Cargo is no good. Jeans are no good. I think corduroy is something.

Maybe I think that's a tricky one. Yeah. Corduroy is tough. It's swishes. It's swashes. It's hot as balls. I like the look, but I don't know. Maybe that's grunge.

Maybe that's out. Right. Right now. I got to warn you. I woke up. I had a cup of tea. I had a meeting. I had another cup of tea and then I had a short period of time

between finishing one thing and going to the podcast. So I got a third cup of tea. I've eaten a bagel five hours ago in three cups of green tea. So I'm a little jacked up and squirrely and cuckoo and I got a shit. Jack it up. Use the shit. You know, take the shit and use it for some adrenaline. Hold it in.

It gives you powers. That's a good point. Screech powers. Now you sound nasally. We talked a little off air. I mean, is this the beginning of something? What's going on here? Where you been?

And I'm a little nervous. I'm a little nervous too. I've been all over the road. I had like 10 hours of sleep and then I woke up and I was like, oh, but I've been pushing the candle in both dildos. I mean, I'm doing this shooting park videos yesterday. And then we go to bananas and we did shows all night, meet and greet, selling shirts.

Then we went to a diner at four in the morning. I got home at five, you know, so maybe I'm pushing it too much. You're not really doing meet and greets though, right? Well, mask on. Outdoors. I'm not sure I believe that even. I got photos. I got photos.

They make you do the math. It's like a legal thing. But I did it in the parking lot because I didn't want to do it inside. So we're outdoors and take some photos and we sell some shirts. I got to get that shirt money. Got you. I got the shirts. I didn't want to do the shirts, but yeah, I don't know.

I'm doing elbows. I still don't know what is what half of it feels silly. I'm at the movies, but then, you know, we just did a show in Connecticut the last two nights. I brought Cantor up there. Nice. And it was this brewery show, Mount Southington. I did a ski mountain.

Wow. And then last night we did, I forget the Bloomfield, Connecticut. But both nights, I'm like, you can't really meet and greet. I don't feel, I don't want to meet and greet. And so I got to hustle back because my garage closes at midnight. So two nights in a row, I left like fucking Bob Dylan, like walked off the stage, never broke strides straight to the car, peeled out and left. And like I saw these Tuesdays, my rear view mirror chasing me down with, you know, gift

cards in their hands, but like T 1000. Yeah. It felt great, but you know, it's really taken me back not to just dive in here, but the nice thing about this COVID stuff is a lot of these gigs I'm doing are taking me back to the old days. It's like 2005, 2006 for me where you get a buddy and now we have GPS back then I'd have to map quest. Oh yeah.

And I've been around long enough. I remember you'd call, you know, Jack Lynch or whoever had the gig and you'd have the phone like this on your shoulder and you'd write down left at Burger King, right onto route 18, three traffic lights. So you never see a phone on the shoulder anymore. Oh, it's, it's funny. You say that that leads into one of my stories. I might have to curve off into this story and then get back to the other story.

Kareen. What is a Kareen? You hear about Kareening. Abdul Jabbar. I know him. Yeah. That's always he Kareened off the mountain. I'm like, what is Kareening?

I think that means like skip bounce. Ah, bounce. I don't know. My, my Kareen's going to shit right now, but I know, uh, what's his name, Chaoyoung Fat. He's Kareen. Kim Jong Hoon. He's Kareen.

Right. Who's the other guy that I always, I never know his name. He's great. Kim Jong Hoon. Oh. There's Jong Who. Who? That's the filmmaker.

Ah. Oh. Oh. Bo Jang. Parasite. Yes. Yes. Kang Duck.

Yeah. I don't know. There's a lot of bows and who's and what nots and who's on first. Doesn't it suck that just trying to say someone's name comes off as like racist in 2020? Right. I'm just trying to get his name right. That's a perk of being not white is you can do all the racist stuff and it doesn't count it.

You can be like, hey, you look like George Clooney and you're like, no, we're just two white guys, you know, who are thin. Right. Nobody goes, what are you racist? Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to be a good person over here. Yeah. I want to tell everyone to check out this person of color filmmaker, but I forget his name

and then it just comes out like, it's, I think it's chink chong, boo, pop, row, and I sound like a piece of shit, but I just, I can't remember his name. It's a tough name. There's a lot of syllables and sounds. It's like little Miss Bo Peep. It's all over the place. And it's tough because if it's just a American asshole, you're like, I think it's Steve Jacobs or Bob Koster.

Right. Something. I think it's okay. I mean, you don't speak the language, you know? So how the fuck, you know, it's like, we would do with a French guy too. It's a Jean-Baptiste, but you know, you can't, we don't speak the language. Good point. So I think we're good.

I think we're safe, but whatever. Yeah. Anyway, we're fans of his work. Hell of a guy. Great filmmaker. Good egg. But so the shoulder thing, you talk about the phone with the shoulder between the ear. It's so funny you said that because it's one of these things you write down for the

podcast. If we get into trouble, I'll tell this because I don't think it's a story, but I had it written down. Hit me, Faddy. I'm on the, I'm waiting for the train. I'm on the subway platform here in Astoria. And I'm just looking off into the distance, dreaming, trying to avoid the phone. And I just happened to look right across the way.

There's a construction guy on a rooftop and he did the phone thing like this. He puts his head to the phone and his helmet falls off and goes straight down in between the two buildings. Like he watched it fall and he just looks down and I saw him like look around like did anyone see that? And he couldn't see me because I was like a street away. Wow. But it was such a fun catch.

Yes. Good catch. And it was all because the shoulder thing, he did the shoulder move and his dumb helmet flew off. Maybe that's why people stopped doing it. I mean, the irony is the helmet falling down the building sounds like an Asian name. Bing, dong, boop, bow, boop. You know.

But yeah, good catch. Count it. Yeah, it was a fun little moment. But any Jews, we go up to Bloomfield yesterday and that's what I was going to say is you have the directions and I haven't had this feeling in so long in comedy where the features is I'm driving him and he's going, all right, make a left here and I'm like here, you're short right here. Like, you know, it's like a stop sign in the middle of the woods and I'm like, all right,

I guess we'll take a left here. And then that feeling, this is what comedy was back in the day for us was that thing of like, is this the place? Is that the bar? Like you can't, now we usually work clubs. It's the funny bone or whatever. This was like, I think that's a bar. Maybe it's in the back.

I don't know where to park. And then you have to walk up to the building and you're like, we're comedians. Is there comedy? Right. And they're like, what? There's that old feeling when you were starting out, first of all, you'll do any gig. And now we'll do any gig because we're trying to make money. We're trying to keep the muscle going.

And there's that feeling of when you were young and doing comedy, you're like, thank you for having me. I appreciate it. And now you walk up, you're like, hey, thanks for doing this. Thanks for setting up a stage out of wood and making it. So you have that old feeling and like, I appreciate you having me on this. Completely. And the money, I don't know what you got shaken out there, but my money now is like a third

of what I normally make. Totally. And it does feel like back in the day too, I'm like, $800, you know, whatever. And it just feels really fun. And then that driving back the same night and you're talking in the car and you're like, I got nothing. What do you got? It does feel fun.

I feel grateful for any show right now. So thank you to all the Tuesdays that came out this past weekend. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet and greet you or whatever, but yeah, great, great to see you. Thanks for coming. I know there was a few there. You can tell a Tuesday. They all look pretty much exactly the same.

So thank you guys. Younger white guy, a little shrubby, maybe a, maybe a weird haircut, some glasses. Yep. Yeah. It's funny. We're all over Connecticut. You're doing these breweries in Connecticut. Then we're in Fairfield together.

I'm doing a farm in Connecticut on Wednesday and then I'm doing a Mohegan Sun. We're all over the CT. Wait, are you in Mohegan Sun this upcoming weekend? Yes. No. Two and two. Ah. Because Fairfield, I mean, we can talk about this offer, I guess, but Fairfield, I'm in

Rhode Island the night before. So you'll have to get up to Fairfield on your own accord. Ah, damn. I was hoping to get in that Centra, baby. Well, maybe if you can take public transportation or get a lift, I can drive you back, but I'm coming from North. Right, right. All right.

I'll figure it out, but it's not a bad train. Yeah. Maybe you could train or bus or whatever, but we can drive you back. But I'll also have Sarah. I hope that's not a cock block because she's doing the gig the night before with me. No, no. We'll just throw her in the back seat and she can tweet. Sure.

And, you know, I was going to say something horrible, but it's my wife, so. So was I, but we both helped. We're growing up, but. Yeah, mature. Speaking of catches, you caught the helmet off the retard who lost his helmet. I caught a wild one yesterday. Me and a pal, my video guy, Eric, with the big shoe, he's shooting me doing some stuff in the park.

We're working on some videos, as you do, and we go, hey, we got to have a break. Let's go to Chipotle. We're at Chipotle. We get the burritos thanks to the gift cards. We go find two chairs on like a, well, we call a neutral ground. I think you call it a median. What's that? You know, there's like a little patch of cement between high, between Sixth Avenue and Greenwich

Avenue. An island. An island. Yes. A pedophile and so we go to this island and there's a bunch of tables and chairs. And of course, there's the classic New York guy who's sitting alone, just sitting there. No book, no phone. And we go, hey, can we use that chair?

And he goes, yeah. You know, I grew up on Third Street. Oh, yeah, yeah. How about that? And we got the, we got the fucking burritos in our hand. He's like, yeah, you know, it's changed a lot around here. We're like, oh yeah, what can you do? I'm taking the tin off, you know, I'm wiping the guacamole like, oh, yeah, yeah.

And he goes, yeah, you know. This is what life's all about. You got to take it in and if you're going to walk around, be with a buddy and we're like, all right, all right, buddy, cool. You know, he's 78 years old, nice guy, whatever. So we're sitting there. We kind of brush him off. We're eating.

Boom. I saw a lady get hit by a car. Oh, unbelievable. Not the guy though. Not I wish it was the guy. There's a lady crossing the street, a car turned and took a left right into her. Oh, what kind of hit are we talking like? She flips up onto the car.

She puts her hand on the hood. She goes straight down. What are we talking? That's a good question. So she was a little Asian gal and it was, you know, maybe a Corolla and it took a left and it was a good screech and then the screech to the hit. So she, she didn't get hit too bad. She rolled up on the hood.

It was a big, and then she rolled off the hood and caught herself and she was like, what the fuck? I mean like old Asian lady, you know, crouching tiger, hidden cunt and just let it all out and she hobbled and we were like, oh my God and my friend gave her a chair and these two ladies, one was Indian and the old guy goes, last week she was riding a camel and we all lost it. But he's just as old stuck in his ways white guy and she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh my God.

So she was sitting down and she was like, how could you not see me, blah, blah, blah. She was like in shock. She's shaking and I think she was okay. She got, she got shaken up a little bit like a paint can, but eventually the lady was like, all right, she parked her car and walked this woman home. Just she was so, felt so horrible. It was wild. Wow.

So I got a bunch of questions. Did her shoes stay on? Was it, did her sandals and socks stay on or did they fly off? I wonder the same because I was hoping for a shoe fly. Don't bother me, but they were really sandals like with the buckle. The buckle sandal. Yeah. We're not going to get us, we're not going to get a squirt with a buckle.

And it's interesting that she was hit with an Asian car. That's fun. Because when you say Corolla, I wasn't sure if you meant the car or her. That's a good point. I don't know what Corolla means. That's Asian on Asian. Boy, that's a good, good find though. Love seeing someone hit by a car.

I mean, you prefer they'd be hurt pretty bad, but you still got lucky. I got lucky and I saw the whole thing and it was a great moment because, I mean, not for her, but because she didn't die. She didn't have to go to the hospital. I got to see it and I don't think there was any lawsuit or anything, you know? She was like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm okay.

And she's like, you want me to bring you to the hospital? She's like, no, I'm good. And the woman felt so bad and I can imagine. I mean, I almost hit a guy in one of those bird scooters and for the rest of the day, I was like, oh, I got to make some changes. I got to get my act together. I was hungover. I hated myself and I know what that woman's going through.

So no harm, no foul. Yeah. You got to feel for it, but it's always excited in the city. I think it's so exciting to live in a city, although you do have to deal with, I think like we deal with a lot more strangers just chatting us up, which is a bummer. But you do see so much action. In New York, there's so much shit happening that sometimes you don't even remember to tell people.

Yes. That's true. 10 minutes later, we're just eating our food going, what's, what are we doing later tonight? You know, we totally forgot about it. Yeah. Three quick examples of that. And I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but one time I saw a guy injecting heroin into

a guy's face or injecting something into a guy's face. What? Botox. Maybe it was Botox. They didn't look Botoxy though. They looked more heroin-y. Got it. He was laying there.

And I think you could put heroin into that little pink thing in the corner of your eye, I believe. Wow, the pink guy. Yeah, exactly. So he was doing that. And I remember just seeing it and being jarred and then forgetting to tell my wife. It was like days later that I was like, oh, forgot. Like if my parents saw a guy shooting heroin into the tip of a guy's dick, I mean, they

still wouldn't talk to me or tell me about it, but they'd tell somebody, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. They'd hopefully film it or help your uncle Dale. Yeah, exactly. And then the other one was, I saw, maybe I was with you. I saw David Blaine doing like up close hand magic also at Union Square. That wasn't me. I would have been hard.

I would have been, I love that guy. I think it was Ari and it was somebody, it was me and Sarah and somebody, maybe Vita, because we were all going back to Queens and we were like, well, that's crazy. And then we heard the train coming and just ran downstairs. Like imagine, you know, someone walking around Hanover, Massachusetts or something or wherever people are from. Right. And you see David Blaine doing card tricks and just being like, I got, I'm in a hurry.

Right. Yeah. That's wild. David Blaine, by the way, handsome guy and one of the few magicians that's not cringy. You know, it's usually some guy with long hair and like a leather vest and a weird goatee. He's just like a normal looking guy. I don't, I don't know that much what he looks like. To be honest, the other people in my party were like, that's David Blaine.

Ah. He's dark-haired. I think I know. He's dark hair, right? Dark hair, facial hair. Short, tall, thin, handsome, looks kind of like a hot Israeli commando. You just described me. But yeah, he's a, he's a good egg and he had quite a run on the, on a bunch of models back

in his day. But those magicians, fuck, I mean, Copperfield was fucking, what, Kathy Island or Cindy Loper or somebody. Yeah. The condom disappear. I'll tell you that. They get all kinds of gash. Um, anyways, that's all the, the last one, the third example was Sarah saw a guy jump

off a building, like didn't see him land, but saw him right after the land before any first responders. What? Just saw like a bloody fucking smush guy and she heard it. She heard like, yeah, true story on like Fifth Avenue or Sixth Avenue a couple of years ago walking to her hotel bar and same thing. She's just like, forgets about it. You think that would just be in your, your mind all the time.

Yeah. That's one of the few moments you get to do the only in New York. Everybody has to say that, that we all high five and jerk each other off. Right. Um, where was the eyeball? Where was that in the city? What location? That was Union Square.

Wait, well that, there's a little skid row there on Union Square. That's right. Yeah. It's pretty dicey. Yeah. The east side of Union Square, I was walking, you know, it's like elevated right there. Yes. And I was walking, it was right there.

Like at my eye level, you know, I, and he was laying there and was just like sticking it in there. Wow. A little wild. I candy. Yeah. Man, speaking of, of seeing stuff, this isn't, this isn't a nothing on heroin, but I got the West 4th Street courts right here where all the street tufts dribble some balls and

I saw this white guy, this handsome hot shredded white guy was running the tables. I couldn't believe it. And he was like, behind the fence, like, get out, get out, get him buddy. Yeah. Honky. It was amazing. He was like laying up and he did that thing where he couldn't get by a guy, one guy kept blocking him.

So he just said, fuck it. And he shot it from like the half court line and it went in. Wow. White chocolate. I mean, quite a, quite a lot of the balls on this guy. Nice. Nice to see. I mean, there's a few of those guys.

I think Jason Williams was one of those guys and you know, it was like, he's white. Stockton. Well, there's a few Jason Williams. There's three Jason Williams is. There was a white Jason Williams, then there was like a Duke Jason Williams and there was another Jason Williams. Aha. Okay.

I think it's Jason Williams. White chocolate. Am I getting that wrong? That was the guy who played for the Nets and did all kinds of cuckoo stuff. I think he was a halfie, but I don't know. Maybe he was. You might be right. But there's a few of them that can really ball.

As they say. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a, it's kind of like a black hockey player. Yeah. There's more of now because in Canada, there's black, everyone plays hockey and there's black people in Canada now. So it's, it's, it's exciting times.

I didn't know Canada had blacks, except for Trudeau's Halloween costume. Mother nature is a mad scientist. I actually said that on stage last night and I felt horrible. I was like, gee, I just stole a Kramer line. I think that's a, it's an illusion. Yeah. It was an, it was an homage to the K-man. Sure.

All right. You got a lot of stuff. I think you said you got a lot of stuff. I got some things. So we better, we better get fucking here. Yeah. Yeah. All mine are, are just cute nuggets.

I don't have a big, big, uh, dick. So if you want to, you want to hit me with a, a juicy jizz, right in my face. Well this one is just pretty funny. My rest are just a gig and a talking point. So this one is pretty, I'm worried about that sniffle, which is not a COVID symptom. I don't think you have a sniffle. Thank you. All right.

It's nice to hear. I got it. It's all in here. It's all caked. Yeah. That's not, I don't think that's COVID. I think COVID is, is fatigue, fever, cough, maybe a sore throat. No, none of that.

That sounds nasally. Maybe a little, a little, a little sleepy. All right. Woo. I feel better. But still you don't want to be spreading colds around. Sure. Sure.

But I got a big gig tonight. So I got to, maybe I'll get some, what do you think? A little Sudafed, a Nyquil, Robotus. Well, don't do Nyquil. Get some Dayquil. Uh-huh. Get a Dayquil. And you know what works pretty good is those nasal fucking.

Those are good. Those are good. Yeah. Those are fun. I like those. Hot shower. Get the steam going. And I think, I think you have a little sex.

Sometimes that just clears everything up. I think if you empty your balls, it empties your nose. I think you're right. It's something, it gets the juices jizzing and it, it all clears out. It all goes into your jizz and excretes, secretes, excrete, excrement. Uh, I don't know, ex-con, ex-girlfriend. Yeah. X-men.

X-men. I think I've already done a box of Froot Loops by the way. Follow your nose and your jizz will follow or something. Fucking toucan. It's a lot of cans. Toucans. All right. Happy Fets.

So this happened. This was funny and weird, awkward moment. So, and I think you're going to run into this problem soon too, maybe? Uh-oh. So I got the parking garage. Are you working on the parking garage situation? Yeah. I got a couple leads on some, some Tuesdays.

They've really been helping me out and sending me mechanics and places and all this. So I appreciate your gaze. So I'm looking. I found one in Midtown that's cheaper. Okay. All right. But don't you want to be close to that car though? Midtown for me.

I live right by the A train. I can get up there and three stops. One stop, two stops. That's nice. So I got the parking garage over here. It's a little bit of a walk, not too far, but I don't know what the deal is with tipping. Maybe I should have Googled it because you are handing your keys to a person. Yes.

They take your car. They go get it. They park it and you do want them to take care of it because I put it at the garage. All of a sudden I'm hearing this undercarriage click occasionally. A UCC. I don't like that. I don't like a UCC. I don't even like the UCB.

I hate UCB. I'm glad it's gone, but a UCC is even worse. They don't pay either. It just clicks and it's just a little like, I don't even know what it is. And I checked, I checked to see if there's a water bottle or whatever because people are like, maybe it's something in the trunk and all that bullshit. And it's a subtle click, not too bad, but still, but I read, I remember reading one of the big things with the car and a transmission is that you got to come to a full stop before

you change gear, put it in park, put it in reverse. Yes. And I don't trust those guys not to just get close and slam it in park. Oh yeah. Or they're going in reverse and then just bang, put it in drive and then you got to click. Oh God, you're making me nervous. Nothing worse than that. You can't enjoy the ride because you're just going, oh shit, shit, shit, shit.

Did you hear a click? You're ruined. The whole thing's ruined. Exactly. And it triggers me because I drove nothing but used hand-me-down dead grandparent cars for so long. And then, you know, you're driving out of the city so you got to drive through, you know, I don't want to not be PC, but I'm driving through Hunts Point and the South Bronx and

Cross Bronx in a fucking, you know, 1987 neon with three tires. And I'm like, if this thing goes down, I'm dead. I can't picture them, you know, fucking shooting me in the tits. So I get nervous and so I wanted to take care of the car, but I'm like, I'm dropping it off. I'm giving them the key. It feels like, what's it called when you give the parking job? Valet.

It feels like valet. So I'm like, do I tip? Do I not tip? And I don't know. So I tip a couple of bucks here and there, a few bucks. I don't tip sometimes. I do tip sometimes. The other day, Friday night, I dropped the car off at like midnight and they're all really

nice guys, young guys. And I was like, I should give them something. I go in my pocket. I have two twenties. Fuck it. I just gave him a 20. And this is, this is how he reacts. He goes, oh, uh, what?

And I was like, well, I forgot to tip yesterday. And he's like, he's literally just staring at the 20. It's in his hand. He doesn't put in his pocket. Doesn't say thanks, bro. Yeah. He just stares at it like blankly. Then he's like, are you sure?

Like, all right. And I literally was like, yeah, I just didn't tip. I thought maybe, I don't know. I literally ended up apologizing. I'm like, I'm sorry. It was the most like neurotic list move to be like, I'm really sorry. I just gave him 20 bucks. It was uncomfortable.

I was embarrassed. I was walking away. I felt like I just walked in on my mother's showering. Like I was so sorry. I should kill myself. I'm an idiot. Well, I think that answers it. I think there's no tip then.

But it sucks. You lost a two spot, but he will remember that hopefully. Hopefully he puts it, you know, takes care of it. But then also to the next day, yesterday morning, Cantor and I go back to pick up my car. And this guy, this old yuppie guy, he drops off like a fancy car. I don't even know what it was, but it was one of, you know, a two seat fucking black, low car, whatever. And no tip.

Just gave the keys and well, there you go. By the way, the kid busted his balls a little bit because the guy pulled the guy with the parking guy was going to get my car. And then this guy parks right in the middle of the garage. So when this guy goes to pull my car out, there's nowhere to go. So he had to put it back in the elevator and he comes out and I was proud of this kid. It was like 23. He goes, Hey, next time, pick a side, dude.

And the guy was like this 60 year old like what? And he's like, you parked in the middle. I'm gonna take another car. What are you doing? I like it. Good. An entitled queef. He thinks he runs the whole garage with his Miata or whatever the hell Lamborghini.

Yeah. He was like, I'm sorry, but he didn't tip. So I don't think I'm going to tip anymore. And maybe I'll be one of these guys that gives a Christmas bonus at Christmas. I peel off a couple fifties or something. I like it. But hey, anytime you can, they can see your mug and have a good reaction. That's, that's all you want because he might not slam and he might go, I want to slam it.

But the weird looking guy with the small mouth gave me a 20. I'm going to change it. Change my ways. Yes. That's a good point. So I'm not sure what to do, but I think I'm going to tip less maybe occasionally. And by the way, real quick, lastly, just to wrap it up, Cantor used to work at Enterprise for years and he's like, Oh yeah, I would beat the shit out of those cars.

Now granted, those were nobody's car. That was, it belonged to a corporation. It was a rental. But still he's like, Oh yeah, we'd fucking grind the gears, slam it and park all that shit. You'd hope these guys aren't doing it with people's cars, but you know, they're young whippersnappers and maybe they don't like my look or maybe they saw my act or listened to the podcast or whatever. You never know. Right.

Oh God. I mean, I got a bucket of bolts. One bad parking job. That thing is just going to fall down to the ground. I'm terrified. The wheels will shoot out. So maybe grease them, charm them. And you know, I mean, I'm, I got secret handshakes with them and shit.

I'm giving them extra bucks and really complimenting them because I want them on my good side. Yeah, but you never know. They could have taken that center out and Ferris Bueller did on a bridge, you know, and then yeah, they're living it up in Chicago. Exactly. That's where we got the UCC from. So. Right.

I'm a little nervous, but anyways, that's that. That's that. We got to get to some sponsor. Oh yeah. But before I get to the sponsors, I also want to plug our friend. Ed Larson has a movie coming out. We love any. We love Ed Larson.

This guy made a documentary about his mom and he put together a little, little snippet for you. So take a listen to this. Hello. I'm Ed Larson. You might know me from the round table of gentlemen of the brighter side on the last podcast network, or you might know me from hogging all the sauce and a roadside barbecue stand. Either way, I need to tell you about my new documentary coming out called how America

killed my mother aggressive. I know. Listen, here's what happened in 2016. My mother passed away suddenly from diabetes, but it was more than that. Everyone has a piece out of the nothing we had between the cost of medicine overdraft fees from banks, credit cards, predatory casinos, even my own dad. We couldn't keep up. So I took the insurance money and I made this movie.

Hey, we all grieve differently. How America killed my mother is available from October 2nd to November 5th for rental and purchase on Vimeo. Go to howamericankilledmymother.com right now to watch. Being poor in America should not be a death sentence. That's howamericankilledmymother.com. Great. That's good stuff, Eddie.

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By the way, he gave me a secret code if you want it. We can watch it. I would love one. Maybe we could Patreon it. That could be fun. Yeah. He's a funny guy, cool guy, known him for years. I used to do his podcast back in the day.

Remember that round table of gentlemen? Oh, I remember being like this somewhere there's an episode. I'm fucked up on that thing. We used to, they'd have like a couple buckets full of Takatis. Yes. Oh, we used to go hard on that. We did one where we just drank four locos. I don't even remember how I got home.

Yeah, it was fun. And we're going to do a bonus with them this week. So later this week, keep an eye out on the Patreon. Check it out. We'll have a new episode with Ed Larson. And by the way, Bartolino's Veater's show in Astoria is back. Wow. I don't have all the details yet, but it might be back to the hottest Saturday

show in New York. And we might be doing a live Tuesdays. I'll get the detail tomorrow on our walk. But there might be a live Tuesdays with stories coming up in New York soon. I love it. Yeah. I kept that date locked. So hopefully it happens and hopefully we can keep the date.

Yes. So all right, give me some stuff because I think I got just a little, I got a little bit left, but not much. All right. I got one good crazy mystery nugget that I want you to try to figure out. We could save the answer for the next step and tease it, or I could just spill the beans on your face. Okay.

I've always wanted to come on my face. All right. So here's one that it was a real eye opener, not heroin in the eye, just an eye opener. Me and the lady, she likes to cook dinner, so we like to find a fun recipe and then we go buy the ingredients, then she comes home and cooks it, then we blow a load and we watch mama's family or whatever. So it's a fun little night. And so we're going to the grocery store, Morton Williams on LaGuardia and Bleaker.

It's open 24 hours. Not a great grocery. It ain't no whole foods, but it ain't key food either. So we go in there and we walk in and they got the automatic door, you walk in, you grab your basket or you get your push basket as you do at a grocery store. And this guy goes, Hey, I saw that. And the lady goes running past me like a real crack, heady, skinny, fucked up, Skeletor, Crypt Keeper chick.

She's got a backpack on and he goes, Oh no, and he jumps on her. She gets out the door. He grabs her and I'm like, what the hell's going on? It's weird to see a big, you know, fat, hairy knuckled grocery store worker jumping on a skinny lady. You're like, your rods and cones are off. You can't process. And then he rips open the backpack, pulls out a bunch of sandwiches he stole.

Wow. Wait, can I just ask real quick? Is this the mystery? No. Okay. This isn't the mystery because I'm already trying to crack it. So this is not the mystery. I got to turn off my, my, my investigative head and just enjoy.

No crack. She was on crack, but it was, it was a tackle and a crackle and this guy was onto something. He was like a Colombo. He pulled out all these like pre-wrapped sandwiches that she had in the bag. Wow. That's a crackle. I mean, that's, that's a hell of a loss prevention guy as somebody that dabbled in that business. God bless them.

I might want to have a word with them because, and kick around the old days. So I wonder if she's a regular. It sounds like she's been in there before. Yeah. I could see that. She had the book bag. She was ready to go. And it was sad because she just was hungry.

Like this wasn't like, I'm going to steal some money and whatever. It was like, I need a fucking meal. And yeah, she stole it. And well, another perk of being a lady, he was just like, all right, get the hell out of here. I feel like a guy, if that was me, he would have been like, you fucking asshole, done one of these, you know, really rough me up a little bit. Right.

Well, you know, maybe she's a homeless lady and you know, you're a guy stealing for fun. It might be more than just the gender, but I do agree. Certainly, you know, the guy's not going to punch an old lady in the face. Right. Right. And she was like, come on, man. She pulled a Biden. Come on, man.

What are you doing, man? You know, and he was like, all right, get the hell out of here. And she was like, come on, man. I didn't do nothing. You know, just an old white lady, kooky with a bandana on and everything. And also she was in there without a mask. So I think that was like a red flag out of the gate. Right.

Wow. That's fun. You're getting a lot of good catches of old ladies getting what's coming to them. I love it. Well, we live in Thunderdome out here. I get the streets are running red with blood and there's grifters and fucking hobos and riding the rails. One guy had a stick with a bag on it.

It's pandemonium. Now it feels like we're in alternative 1985 from back to the future too. Biffs run in the show and there's this motorcycle gangs and it's really bizarre out here. It's wild. Yeah. It's the old days. You know, you always say, hey, New York, it's another but M&M stores and Dwayne Reads. And I think we're back to the old days with the porn shops and the pimps and the hookers.

Yeah. And I always hear like bad New York back in the day was that was real and it was this and that. And I'm like, that sounds horrendous. Yes. It's horrible. And the rents are still high. At least back then they had a cheap rent.

I know you watch those movies and Woody Allen's like, this place is $210 a month and they have like a balcony. I know. I know. Right. Oh God. It must have been great. I should have bought something when I was five.

I know. I think about that all the time. You're like, but you know, what are you going to do? Yeah. I just did a gig in Staten Island. By the way, Staten Island. It's a whole clusterfuck of mishmash, Italian, black projects, firemen, Irish. It's all over the road on Staten Island.

That island's a ecosystem of its own bullshit. It's fascinating. This guy, I learned my lesson from the Long Island Cooke. Good egg. Renee, big fan. But I said, I'll go do the gig, but I got to get a ride there and a ride back. He's closed and he was like, I got you. I think he listens to the pod.

And so this kid picked me up. Nice guys, two funny guys, Greg and something else. And we go out there and we're chatting it up and we get to Staten Island. So you're like, all right, you know, we've done shows there before you get off the ferry and you're pretty much there. We get there and then we had to drive across the island, which is so weird. You see like their nitty gritty of the Staten. And we go to a back of a bar, fucking patio show, nothing but electricians and firemen

and fatties and whoo, it was, I did a 25 minutes. It was a great show. It was fun, but it was one of those, I did 25 minutes. I did a full hour in 20 minutes. Wow. You know, he just jizzing on words all over the place, you know, machine gun. And yeah, it was great. We got in the Uber, he Ubered us back, which must have been a million dollars, but we dropped

off one kid in Brooklyn and he lived in Windsor Terrace. You know this area? No, that sounds like Canada. It was nice. There is a Windsor Canada, which is above Detroit. They call it white Detroit. But fun fact, but yeah, so we get to Brooklyn and this kid's like, yeah, my mom bought a house in the 80s when nobody wanted to live in Brooklyn and she got it for like 200 grand.

When you pull up, it looks like fucking the Fresh Prince House. Wow. Right outside of Prospect Park, beautiful. He's like, yeah, I grew up here. It was fun. I was like, oh my God, you see one of these neighborhoods, you want to go trick or treating. Right. Yeah.

It's so weird how much there's neighborhoods change from one thing to the other, like New York is its own crazy ecosystem. We have the richest and poorest people in the world and everything in between. Exactly. It just keeps wiggling and waggling. It's almost like the comedy scene. Like sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, sometimes it's woke, sometimes it's not. The club's open, they close, you know, it's a boom.

Booming and zooming, but I don't understand where the cheap houses are. I look at houses because everyone's like, you got to buy, there's a good time to buy, do this, do that and whatever. And then like I said, last week we were in New Jersey and I'm like, well, look at houses down here and they're all 900,000, 800,000, Everett Mass where I used to live, which was you were up there. It was a dump. No one wanted to live in Everett.

That's become gentrified or whatever and it's like expensive. Everett's like a rich place. Wow. Everything's topsy-turvy these days. Well, isn't that weird? I mean, we've talked about this before, which is some of you said before on this zip, but you watch these movies like After Hours and they're like, we're in Soho in 1985. It's terrifying.

There's gangs roaming the street. There's barrel fires. Everything's shut down. You're like, how did no one think to buy shit in Soho? It's right there. You get it if you're like, oh, Everett, that's way out there, but Soho's right there. How did no one do it? Yeah, it's weird.

I guess you need to get one of those insider guys because I've heard people say the Bronx will be next. Eventually the Bronx will become gentrified because we've gone everywhere, but there it feels like. Yeah. My friend, Fat Doug Key, he has a car so I always, he's a funny guy and he's got a car so I always meet him up in the Bronx where he lives and it's beautiful up there. It's done in nice neighborhoods and I'm like, why do people buy on Long Island or Jersey?

You could live in the city, quote unquote, and still like a train will still get you there and you can park a car and you can have a house and a lawn. I'm going Bronx before I go Jersey. Wow. Interesting. Well, where I'm talking about in Jersey, we got an ocean. I'm talking Belmont, but that's one of these $950,000. I'm not getting it in the ground.

What's that called? The broken ground? Ground floor? Ground floor. Yeah. I'm not getting it in the ground floor. I'm getting in on the ocean floor. Right.

Well, yeah, that's pretty snazzy, but even Asbury Park, they're like, oh, that place is a shithole. It's other but heroin needles and Jews, you know, and you're like, yeah, but it's right on the ocean. I mean, I'm going to move there and now it's nice. Now it's crazy expensive, but it's also, Asbury Park is fascinating because you get off the train and you're in hell and then you walk two blocks and it's hipster, which is also hellacious if you ask me, but I'm with you.

All right. All right. I'm hogging. You want to go and then I'll give you the mystery tour. Well, I got one last thing and this could be controversial. We may lose all our fans. Our Patreon may fucking plummet here. All right.

Just in my ass. I'm going to try to keep it to a dull roar here, but I get on the train the other day and as I just missed, you're talking about catching these great things with a lady gets hit by a car. Now the lady gets tackled. I just missed something spicy. I caught the very end of it. I caught the exclamation point, but missed the sentence.

If you know what I mean. All right. I like it. I like it. That might be the most brilliant thing I've ever said in my life. That was poetic. Beautiful. Really happy with the exclamation missed the sentence thing.

You ever have that happen when something comes out and you're like, hey, that was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Once I had a huge load, but anyway, so I'm getting on the train. I'm getting on the end train. Just got off the seven. I transferred to the Annette Queensborough Plaza and as I'm getting on, a lady comes

out and goes, she's wearing a mask and she says to two guys, two like mooks, like fucking Queensie, you know, white Italian-ish guys, maybe or whatever. I don't know what they were, but they were just, you know, regular old mook guys here. She's coming off and she goes, yeah, well, okay, sir, whatever. I couldn't quite make out what she said, but it was something, whatever. And then he said, yeah, right here. I got your mask right here and he pointed to his dick, which makes sense. Old school.

Yeah. So I guess his mask was on his dick. It didn't. It doesn't hold up to examination. Sure. So they must have got into it because these two guys were the no mask on the subway guys and he's given her the, yeah, yeah, right here, my dick and it's frustrating because now I get on the subway and they're having their, we don't wear mask conversations and

he's like, it's not illegal, fuck her, whatever. I hate the no mask on the subway guys. The whole mask thing, we can get in a debate another time, whatever, fuck it, whatever. You know, I don't like wearing the mask. It's not great outside. I don't worry about it too much unless I'm walking through a restaurant, whatever the fuck. Sure.

But these guys on the subway, I hate this thing, like we're just, can you just help us out? Right. We're just, we're doing it on the subway. There's plenty of science. There's plenty of scientists to say, we're doing this thing, either way, we're living in a society. Yes, be a team player.

Nobody wants to wear it, but the subway tube is at four feet by 10 feet. Like it's a test tube on wheels. It's a tube and they think they're cool. They think they're like tough, like the guy's like, I don't wear no mask and it's like strangely like homophobic. Like he's like, I don't wear no queer wear on a mask and you're like, well, could you do it just for, and then they like, you fucking sheep, you're all sheep and I'm like, you're a sheep for a game show host.

I'm a sheep for a doctor and a scientist. Right. I am a sheep. I'm following doctors and scientists and a society. We're all like, okay, let's do this. This is what they're saying. Let's try this out. Hopefully this will help.

Everyone's saying this will be good. Yeah. You're a sheep for a fucking reality star. You're the sheep. Yeah. And that guy now has COVID. Exactly. Of course.

Because they were all fucking hanging out. The whole gang of them has it, which is hilarious, by the way. And you're just like, you're not a tough guy. You're not cool. You think you're tough or cool or whatever. And it's this thing of like, ah, there's fucking sheep and then like, do you stop at stop signs? Right.

Are you a pussy? Why are you stopping at the stop sign? Interesting. Because you don't want to take someone else out because we're living in a society of fucking idiot mook. You're not fucking cool. Let's put the fucking mask on and then wear it inside and sit in a restaurant, do whatever you want.

But this is a collective area, which is shared space. Yes. Public transit. You fucking douche. I hate that they think they're like, ah, I'm fucking too smart to that. Right. Shut up, you fucking idiot. And speaking of homophobic, wouldn't it be less gay to wear a mask because no dick can

get in your mouth? It's like a dick wall. Good point. Aha. Great lawyer. I think he ran for office. But anyway, yeah, and he's like the guy that's like, yeah, your mask is right here. I'm like, ooh, you told an old lady to suck your dick.

You're so brave. Oh, shut up. Shut up. What a, what a queef. It's funny too, speaking of masks, like, there's a couple of old broads walking around my neighborhood. You know, they probably live in there since the 40s and they will yell at you if you're not wearing a mask.

But I noticed they won't yell at the black guys, which I love, I'd love seeing stuff like that. Yeah, the yell at the people with no mask is also silly. Like just go on the other end of the train and just avoid them, whatever. Right. That's all silly. And, you know, don't get me wrong, I could be, I could be more, whatever, I mean, we go to the movie theater, I'm like, I'm up here, he's way over there.

But the subway, it's tight and we're all in there. It's crammed in. I mean, not crammed, but it's getting pretty crowded on the subway. Yeah. Whatever. It is. And it's also funny how things change. Like before, it was like, there's a guy jerking it.

Let's switch cars. And now it's, all right, let's go to the car with the guy jerking it because he's wearing a mask. Right. I just hate this whole angle of like, you're a sheep, you're like this, you're a sheep. You're reading the alternative, you're like, well, I'm not gonna wear, yeah, because someone else said not to you fucking asshole, you're a sheep. Exactly.

And be a sheep and not die. Right. Yeah. I'm just trying to be part of the fucking solution here. We're trying to be together as a unit here. Yes. Yes. Team player.

Love a team. Good. Good point. Good point. I mean, who knows? I mean, those guys, they probably are those same kind of guys who like peel out in parking lots. Exactly.

They're the same exact guy. They're fucking. And they fixed their car so it's louder. It's the exact same guys that you're like, oh, I want to suck his dick. Shut up. You fucking stink. You stink. We should not hold back on the ladies who fuck these guys.

Those gals are clueless as well. I hate the women that fuck these guys. It's the reason those guys exist. If you just stopped fucking these meatballs, you wouldn't have guys with fucking driving around all cr- like peeling out at green lights and wearing fucking flat billed hats that are over here. Like just knock it off. Yeah.

Knock it off. Get it together. Grow up. But that guy's got a kid. That thing just goes and goes forever. Yeah. They're the same people that they go to a house and they're like, hey, we take our shoes off. He's like, nah, nah, nah, I'm going to wear my shoes and you're like, all right.

I guess. Right. I hate those guys. My house. You're going to my house. They're the same guys that you go. I'm having a party over my place. If you want to cope, they're like, why don't we do it at my place?

Right. Why doesn't everyone change their plans and come to my house? That's the kind of guy that is. The plan changer. Nobody likes that guy. Hate the plan changer. Planned parenthood. All right.

I want to spill this Agatha Christie novel out on you. A little, little, what is it? What's that chick's name? Who does all the mystery novels? Jane Austen. No. No. No.

No. Danielle Steele. That's a porn star. I think. Hold on. Oh, shit. Kate Blanchett. What the hell is her name?

Mr. Abbey. No. Oh. Call in if you know. Emily. No. Keller. Helen Keller.

She's a tard. I don't know. It'll come to me. Stacy Dash. I got nothing. But there's a woman who does only mystery novels and kids read them and everybody likes her. Fuck.

Oh. Wait. No. Shelly. Is it Shelly Duvall? No. Oh, Shelly. Shelly.

Shelly Frankenstein. Mary Shelly wrote Frankenstein. That's the one. Two first names. What a cook. Ah, well. It'll hit me. Stacy.

Ah, shit. I don't know. Okay. So this is a wild one and if you get it, I'll be blown away. If you don't, it's understood because this is all out of left field here. Okay. I'm excited. I got a little nervous feeling here.

All right. So we do a gig, me and Doug Key. I don't know. I think we're in Worcester, Mass, which was not bad, by the way. Oh, yeah. I just did it too. It was solid. So we do a gig in Worcester.

It's, you know, four hour drive home, three hour, whatever. So I get home at maybe 1.30 in the morning. It's nighttime. It's a weekday. It's late. The city's dead. He drops me off. I jump out of the car.

I grab my bag of merch, big duffel, and I hate the duff, but it's a bag of merch. I go in and I get to the front door. Now, my apartment has a door, a vestibule, if you will, and then another door. It's New York, I don't know. They know what they're doing. So I, you know, I go in the first door and I notice, right when I put my key in, I notice there's a package in the door stopping it from closing. Oh, that's odd.

Well, you know, FedEx might have came, pushed the buzzer, put the package in the door, make sure you see it, and left. Whatever. It's a little late for that, but okay. So I kick the package in to the vestibule, you know, then I go to the next door. There's a envelope, or envelope, if you're annoying, and it's wedged with a lock latches. You know, the hinge, or what do you call that, the clinker. Yeah, the snatch.

Yeah, the little nub into the snatch, the male, female, whatever. It's wedged in there. So I'm like, well, that's weird. Why would there be, so now I grab the envelope and I go, this is not right. You know, I'm just going to put that over there on the counter, and then I go up the stairs. I'm walking towards the stairs, and I look back, and there's a hooded man looking in. And I go, oh, was he going to come in me, come at me?

Was that a trick? A trap? What the hell just happened? I got a big bag of merch. I got a jacket on. You know, I probably looked, maybe it was a rapist, maybe he saw I was a guy and bailed, but something was up. All right.

So let me just get this straight. I got to stop you. I just want to make sure I have the whole thing, because I got to try to solve this thing. Sure. Yeah, you're a private dick. Yeah. I'm McCluskey or whoever. So door one is propped open with a box.

Is that right? Like a squishy yellow package, you know, maybe like a two t-shirts and a squishy yellow package. So that's door one. And then door two has an envelope through the snatchel. Yes. Okay. And so you ended up closing them behind you because you're like, this seems weird. Yeah.

It's like 1.32 in the morning. Why would anyone be propping this up now? This is shady time. So I kicked the package in, I grabbed the envelope, and I make sure those doors closed behind me. I walked 20 feet to the stairs, look back, and he's looking in. So that means he was super close to the door. I mean, I walked for like six seconds and he's already at the door.

Okay. I got, I already have a hypothesis, but I'll save it unless you want it now. Well, I'll just say I went upstairs. I told the lady, she was freaked out. She's like, that's weird. So I text the super. Me and the super are pretty, pretty tight now. And I go, Hey, just letting you know.

And I know I serve for the late text. There was a guy looking in and we have cameras. So I said, maybe check the cameras tomorrow because this seems wacky and all that. Where are the cameras? Yeah. So cameras are pointing right at that door. And so I saw him the next day and he goes, I know what happened. There you go.

So this is my guess. This is your guess. There's sloppy jalopy. Lay it on me. All right. Here's my guess. The guy lives in the building. Don't give it away.

Don't tell me guy lives in the building somehow locked himself out of his room is his apartment has no keys had to piss. So he goes out. He uses two boxes so we can go piss in the little courtyard. That's why he was so close. He stepped on that little fence into the little courtyard area and pisses between a bush and goes, all right, I'm going to at least wait back inside. I can't get in my apartment, but at least I'm in my building.

So it was a locked out of the apartment, leave the building to piss, prop it open so I can get back in. That's my hypothesis. All right. Very interesting. Aguado. I've told the story to about 17 people and no one has gotten it. That's probably the closest I've heard.

Okay. Okay. I did not. I want to say this. I did not think I really had it because it seems so strange right that if that was the case, you would have, you wouldn't have built it up as mysterious. I see. Well, very, very good deducing there, fatty.

Thank you. All right. So here's what happened. So the super goes, I checked the tapes, no big whoop guy leaves his apartment to walk his dog to get a dog shitting or pissing, realizes he forgot his keys, but he doesn't want to go back in to the apartment and wake up his lady or whatever. So he lets the dog piss. He's in the bushes.

So now he's in the bushes with the dog. I come through, he blocks the door so he can get back in the building and I ruin his whole plan. Now he has to be wake up his wife with the buzzer. I was pretty close. I had the piss. I had the piss. I had the bushes.

I had the keys. Yes. I mean, the only thing I had different was the dog pissing instead of him pissing. Exactly. And but you think I'm walking, I'm five feet away from the guy. Why wouldn't you go? Hey, I'm pissing here, man, or the dog's pissing. Just don't lock him behind you out on my keys.

It's weird that that didn't happen, but maybe he didn't want to scare me. Maybe he's one of these guys that assumes you must know, like in his mind, he might be like, why would you kick those in? Obviously, I put those there. Right. So he may think you're an asshole, this guy. Maybe I was trying to be the good Samaritan and save the apartment building, but I get it.

I get what you're saying. It's just, it looks shady, but then when you actually think about it, why would a criminal, he would just go in and steal stuff. You wouldn't set up a door and then steal. Right. But I'm with you 100% on this because even though that's probably not a criminal, the fear is not that a criminal did that. The fear is that a criminal can take advantage of that.

Ah, yes. So, obviously the guy setting the props, he's not the criminal, but you could have any, any crazy Tom Dicker, Harry, homeless, Harry walking by and going, Hey, look at this door propped open. Let me run in there and hit someone with a sack of nickels and rape him here, here. Exactly. Well, all right. Well, then I'm glad I moved the package and screwed that guy over.

Yeah. You did the right thing. Fuck that guy. I feel for him, but he can't be upset. Yes. Well, a lot of people assumed he was a rapist who was waiting for a lady to come in, then he could go in the building after her and bang her in the building instead of on the bushes. Right.

I mean, I think if you were going to do that, he could just go, Oh, hey, hey, hold that door. Hey, 5E, I'm Steve. Right. Right. And then she's like, Oh, hey, Steve. And then he's like, just kidding. I'm not Steve.

I'm a rapist. Yes. And then there was a long night of me going, ah, we might have to move out. I mean, this is crazy. There's people waiting outside our door. They're prop and open. Like this, look, the New York's in Hock, but this is a whole new level of like, they're trying to get in our building at fucking two in the morning.

So there was a good 24 hour period of like, this is crazy. We got to move. Well, it's strange days and I think everyone's going through this. I keep hearing like every therapist is booked and everyone's having a really hard time right now. So if you're out there, folks, you're not alone. We're all going cuckoo. And in the old days, you'd be upset or stressed or angry and you call somebody.

They go, Hey, don't worry. Now everybody you call is all fucked up because we're going back into winter and things are surgeon and the president's sick and my mother's got tits and whatever. So right. These are crazy times. So everyone, let's really take care of each other and try to be part of the solution and each other's assholes for fun here, here. I feel like some people throw on shit to the fire.

Look, let's all just realize we're fucked up and push through ourselves. We got no shoulder to lean on because every shoulder is being leaned on a lot of leaned on shoulders. Yes. So lean, I lean, come on, I lean and come on my back and we'll see you next year. Yeah. And let's just say also that the Patreon, but hit the Patreon. Yes.

That's big. That's great. A lot of bonus stuff on there. We've got Ed Larson coming up, all the people, Tim Dillon, Dan Soder, all the people that ride up the soles. There might be a new live one soon. Yeah. Live apps coming out.

Are they all great? Nikki Glaser, Michelle Wolfer, Shafir, Fun Names, Sopranosep, Stranger by the Lake Gay app. I mean, there's a ton. I've been putting queefs up. We've been, we've been really cooking and joking. So get on there and buy a shirt. Why not?

Yeah. And also go hit my YouTube. I'm going to, I'm making a thing with her, Sean. I don't know if it's going to be any good, but we're making a little dumb web series thing. So go hit my YouTube. Yes. I don't know. Subscribe.

Is that what you do? I don't even know. I'm so stupid. Subscribe. Subscribe, yeah. And go watch the special. Leave some nice comments. I hate myself.

And then all my album is coming out October 16th. It's streaming on Pandora right now for free. And the album is different than the special. There's a couple different things in there and it's pretty fun. So go stream it for free on Pandora and it'll be available, whatever, everywhere, October 16th. Yes. All right.

That's a nice little revenue stream as well for the fat man. So help everybody out. Stream it up. Go nuts. And praise Allah. We'll see you in hell. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. George is saying cut it.