Tuesdays with Stories! - #371 Second Gay

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

Hachi Machi, Joe has hyper tension before he's insulted at a show in Rhode Island while Mark takes a million trains to confront a deer before a wedding gig on Long Island. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeo.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays), Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), & Cannae Pro Gear (cannaeprogear.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy were you starting or was I starting that was a simultaneous start very rare yes a shirt a simul start yeah we are what would you think of along came Polly first time you saw it wow where the hell that come from

shark theater that was the first place I ever heard shark oh really yeah I believe that gave it popularity maybe it was around I don't know if they invented it but that gave it mass appeal it's kind of like the word milk with American pie oh is that right that's where that popped yeah yeah Stifler's mom no kidding yeah this masseuse from Seinfeld yes Jennifer Coolidge Capriotti I'm not sure I think it's Coolidge like the president Calvin Cal I like that name Cal Cal's good Cal Hobbs cool name you don't mean any Cal's though I only meet Calvin there's a Cal Verduchy he was a comic in New England I never really knew

him and that isn't Asian guy isn't there a Cal who's the guy Ripken well him there's a rip senior and junior hmm and then wasn't there a Cal another comedian named Cal something the bouncer was Cal oh I love Cal he's great good egg he was a good egg he hated all the comics that he would trash him to the ones he liked so he told me a lot of stories yeah he's given it hard to a few comics and he he'll really hit hit some comics hard it's quite fun yeah those guys don't hold back cuz you know they're not in the biz they just they just throw people out yeah and they're big they can beat you up and they watch

every show so they know all the tricks they know who's who's what oh yeah who goes long and if you go long then you're making their night longer oh there's nothing better than when the doorman starts late one of the hosts at two in the morning he's just hitting that light that'll get you fired a couple of those guys have kicked the bucket yeah big shack yeah and the other guy does the other guy die I think so that's the thing about being a 900 pound black cat you know yeah you eat horribly it's a lot of bad food they booze it up there they're huge your body can't take it the heart gives out the bones brittle diabetes police

whatever the hell else Chris Rockless yeah it's weird when you see really huge people and you're like oh boy you just look and be like you're not gonna be around long you better enjoy it yes yes I think like Phil Jackson he's gonna go early it's too much for the body though to deal with yeah it's it's weird some people you see that are like seven four seven five and you're like you got no chance like you're getting fifty years maybe I get nervous being six two and a half I'm like I think I'm too tall I want to chop some height off you're a tall tall lanky nugget but then like a veter he's just a compact car like he's a

he's a Honda Accord he'll go for 38 nine years yeah but if he gets hit by a car it's gonna hit him in the face he's so little that's true he's all crumple zones I mean he'll get run right over but how about this speaking of health and worry you know me I'm a I'm an anxiety maniac hypochondriac fucking fruit cake sure so this weekend I'm talking I'm at home visit my parents I'm talking to my mother and she's like oh your father's blood pressures through the roof it's insane he's got a crazy high blood pressure he has to measure it twice a day he went to the doctor and they're like Jesus Christ you're gonna die you

got a quadruple your medicine so I'm like that means I might have high blood pressure because he had it his parents had it my mother has it they both take medication mark for high blood pressure hereditary hereditary and his jizz and her cunt is all over my face so I get they they got a home heart test so I'm like alright just I gotta take it I gotta see it a home heart test a home fucking whatever the hell it's called home is where the heart is the home the home whatever it's called what is the home what do you tell your homeostasis homo pass the fucking thing you strap your arm on it oh with the suction the

blood pressure machine yes those are fun not for me not for a guy in the seventh grade that's true are you just the first you're hearing of this well I didn't have it at home what do you mean first I'm hearing a what now the blood the list blood problem well I had heard about it before but at that time I was worrying about something else you see my brain was on reflux or you know old age or tonight is herpes pubes right sex anal so this time I had an open space my brain was was free of encumbrances or whatever so I said just strap it on me let's see because I've gotten a couple high readings in the past but you're at

the doctor you just brought you jogged there whatever you're nervous because you're at the doctor so maybe it's a high reading when I got my wisdom teeth out I was like my blood pressure high I'm always worried about that and the surgeon was like your blood pressure is amazing for about a guy that's about to have surgery so that was but this weekend I strapped it in we test it and I'm in pre-hypertension level what that sounds good hypertension sounds good hypertension well it's good if you're right in a thriller but not if you're trying to live a life all right cuz this is thriller wait a minute but he had a

good before now you got bad what is it all the all the cookies the palm the the the tea I haven't been bad with all that stuff but it did say I'm pushing the panic button it did say quote high normal okay it's in the normal range but high for normal and my first number was good second number was bad but they said go with the worst number you got to like assume the worst number you can't be like oh don't worry this number right so well you did have a weekend full of McDonald's you'd you've trashing down that that fast food there that's right I did eat like shit my family does stress me out I had just eaten when we test it

and I was bouncing around like a goof I was playing fake hoop or whatever so I think I'm okay but man it gets in your head you we're getting to that age you have to start worrying about the jeans I know I never thought about it I hate my jeans I got bugle boy what about the Kalana Kalanipi Kalanipin what is it colostomy colostomy back no the colonoscopy colonoscopy you gotta get one of those but that seems fine because they drug you up I got the endoscopy and that was pretty fun honestly I got the beginningoscopy what about the the prostate that seems like fun too because I mean my wife jams are high healing

there and I come all over my own face so that might be fun that doesn't sound bad but here that's weird that your dad has high blood pressure my dad has low blood sugar hmm nice so he's one of those if he has to have a cookie at 4 p.m. re he hyperventilates or whatever yeah I don't I I don't know about any that shit like we got to start worried about cholesterol I think we got a few more years I think your 40s you start to really break down I'm 38 so oh god you got to worry about the cholesterol the high blood pressure the fucking the asshole bleeding all that stuff yeah the anal leakage it never ends yeah yeah we're just we're on the way

out we're knocking on death's anal here and it's not pretty the what did the what did the groucho say the youth is wasted on the young how about John Fish's doctor I think I've told this story before I apologize if you heard it already but he saw his doctor John Fish great comedian new father and his doctor said in your 30s your body starts to break down yeah and in your 40s get ready this is a doctor quote in your 40s your body starts to die go it breaks down in the 30s it starts dying in your 40s and that's from a doctor a Jew yeah the Jews know about death but here's the thing here's the clinker if you start

dying in your 30s that's a pretty long death if you make it to 80 which you know you probably will that's a you doubled your death like if you that's good it's a long death so you boys and girls out there I mean if you're in your 20s grab your ankles spread your cunt open take a hard cock and and blow whoever you want to blow because I'm pushing on 40 and I'm gonna be I'm gonna be out I'm pretty hypertension which means I'm I'm pretty gay and pre-law yes the death silent pre yeah we're we're we're pushing it fatty this is not good and and you eat like a trailer tractor well I don't know what that is

I've done better I'm doing better for me I drink I drink three cups of green tea a day or two or something two three sometimes four I don't want to say too much because someone will write in go you're gonna lose your boners because you drink too much green fuck right and I have a fun I have a huge spinach smoothie spinach and blueberry I consume more spinach than anyone on earth yeah I meditate I work out a lot I have sex I have a healthy relationship a lot of laughs I don't eat after you know 9 p.m. I quit soda no drugs no smoking I smoke cigars but you know never smoke the cigarette don't drink any alcohol

I got I got a lot going for me I think you got a lot going but here's the bummer about health food I don't know if it actually helps you as much as just doesn't ruin you you know you eat fried chicken every night and pizza and and milkshakes you're fucked but if you eat spinach every day and tuna and and you know lean meats I feel you just you just zero or you can actually helps you I think it can help but in order for it to help you got to go I mean this is one of the things that really sticks in my ass my whole life it bothers me because I think I'm eating healthy and people are always there to be like that's not

actually healthy right right chipotle that we go we get you know brown rice grilled organic chicken little bit of cheese yeah let us yeah and they go hot that's sodium it's all sodium and right fuck you it's not french fries it's not you know cheeseburgers it's not greasy whatever so yeah and you try to eat healthy it's a classic thing it's like a hacky bit at this point but last week I ordered grilled chicken broccoli and a mashed potato which I know is carbs whatever I eat it I'm starving 10 minutes later yeah yeah it goes right through you because it's just it's just new it's nutrition it's not actually like

heavy starchy horrible food it's not like a burger I know I want to I want to be full if I it's like the old Louis bed I want I want a little stomach distension or yes whatever that's called yeah I think you got you want to you want to be like an African kid with it I'm a fucking fly on his eyeball a big gut an Audi and I'd like fly what I said I'd love a fly yes yeah Pence oh yeah that was big that was one by the way did you see that well as soon as that happened I was like it's not even worth going for a joke they're all gonna be done in the next 30 seconds yeah I had one I was it I was into but even if you

get one it's like it's over and it's like a cliff in the wind well Louis texted me and you know he's out of touch with social media and he's like someone's got a tweet this joke and it was like I said it was like an hour later and I searched it on Twitter and it was like 11,000 of that joke and I was like I got bad news for you man you know yeah well I did one the day later and I was like I'm just gonna throw it out it's an exercise it's fun and mine was a you know somebody asking the fly who you voting for and he goes I don't know I'm on the Pence oh I like that all right I'm sure 1800 people have thought of that no I

like that one that's a fun little pun but can we hear Louis or is that in the vault I think I think it was black flies matter or one of those ones up kind of black flies matter you're like I mean this is like I mean there's 20,000 of them the lives matter thing is come a black dogs matter black licorice baby come on I hate the matter yeah bad matter yeah matter family matters fine show I liked it did you know I mean I know we've talked about it everyone's gonna hate me but that show existed pre-urcle I think people forget yes yes we watched it our whole family was into it we remember Urkel

appearing and we hated him we were like this guy sucks he's ruining the show but he kept it on the air I mean he made that show what it was because he got the ratings up fun fact I think we've talked about this but the whole show is a spin-off of perfect strangers right Harriet the elevator operator I don't know whose idea that was oh this sassy black cunt in the elevator we got to give her her own series where it's about her family I don't know who thought that was a good idea and the show sucked but then Urkel came in and saved it crazy I mean I remember I don't know if our family is different or cool or cynical but we were

like this character sucks and then it turned out that was the show that was it yeah he was he was basically like Kramer and then he said but make the whole show about Kramer right he was black Kramer yes Blamer I blame him Kramer not a fan of the blacks but those black yeah you want to my health so I was in st. Louis all weekend shout out to the twos gaze and oh I got a shirt for you somebody gave me a hockey shirt to give to you and I forgot to give it to you yesterday amazing I'll take it it's something hull something hull go to hull player on the blues Brett hull yeah there you go or Bobby hold a couple hulls yeah

I'll see in hull but so he gave me the shirt everybody was super nice we sold out some shows pandemic anal queef the whole thing virus I went out drinking Saturday night because we were the shows were so fun and I'm in st. Louis I go ah we did press today let me live it up and I had a couple tequila's I've never been this hungover my life we're getting old I'm 37 now I could barely move I was like regarding Henry I was like well the rich the rich I couldn't talk my brain was mush I could barely do the two shows at night I do coffee and I had a chug a beer backstage just to get that jolt yeah I mean I've said it many times I hit 30 and

those hangovers were they took out the day you lose a day a day I lost the day it's it's so bad not to mention you know I got pre-diabetes and you've got propitia or something's happening with you I don't know what's going on but you know we're gonna die we can't lose days well that's the thing we were I'm losing days I I'm dying apparently I'm starting to die as you say or breaking down breaking down with a hangover I mean your body's going I mean I can't help you here fatty you're done yeah it's bad news but I'll tell you some good news you want to hear some good news please I need it all right well it's it's it's

it's about your armpits good idea Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by native deodorant we love native you know I love native we talked about it last night we were smelling each other's you know armpits yes you said what's that smell and I said I got native and you said I do too and then we kissed on the lips because we love native Sarah loves native my wife my native deodorant doesn't just block odor better it's made better native is made from from natural ingredients there are things you've actually heard of like coconut oil shea butter and tapioca starch it's also vegan and never tested on animals this

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doesn't mark you got that right fatty I love it the lady loves it she's putting that thing all over her body and skin and crevices do what I did and make the switch to native today by going to native do.com slash Tuesdays or use promo code Tuesdays at checkout to get 20% off your first order wow that's a steal that's native deo.com slash Tuesdays or use promo code Tuesdays at checkout for a whopping 20% off your first order get on it folks and save your pits whoa boy I want to hear I want to hear more about st. Louis I mean you're out there working the the big time the big clubs what's it like take me through tell me about some

stuff stick it in my butt I mean you know the times are kooky and their topsy turvy we're at a park we're in a field we're in a bunker we're doing whatever we got to do it is to get some yucks and make a couple bucks but I'll tell you man we didn't know what we had you go back to these comedy clubs this is a helium so this is like a premier a club and they run it right the mass the gun with the temperature and just being in that green room which I haven't had a green room the the last green rubbing it was in a tree in the park you know that that's green I'm on the lawn here but with the with the st. Louis you're in the

green room eating salmon I got a nice tea I got a cocktail you know and it's great you can't beat it you get into the ceiling you know the sound works it's not a Fisher price microphone and everybody there wants to be there there's no papering there's no free tickets because it's a pan damn people want to laugh and they come out to chuckle and they're into it so I I'm Richard Pryor up there because they're just like you could say gook and we'll we'll sign the check I don't care and it's hot stuff yeah they're not yellow that the thing is they're not it's not just that they want to be there I mean they're like they're

willing to risk their family's life they're like all right well worst case and I just won't see my grandmother for a couple weeks or I'll see her and killer I gotta see Mark and so that's that's something and you know it's up to them they're making the decision so here here more power to you and them in the club and I think that's I think that's the tops yes it's the tops it's the tits and my my host is this nice lady Meredith and she's like the most progressive you know social climate whatever you want to call it liberal bleeding heart and she was I was like should I feel bad do you feel bad and she was like look they're they're

here if they're not here they're gonna go somewhere else and I was like all right that's good that's all I needed yeah it's a good point and you know what are you gonna do you're so within the rules yeah yeah the rules are made which I don't really get all the people with the rules like when Cuomo goes okay we're allowed to go back indoors and all those same people go all right let's do it I'm like well COVID doesn't know that the rules are lifted shouldn't it still be as dangerous I don't get it like why you're doing it now ah it's all very strange and I think we talked about this already but yeah I go

to the gym and the guy zaps my head and he just puts it down isn't even look at there's no batteries in the thing yes exactly just like a duck hunt gun and Mario it might as well be a hairdryer I mean I have no idea what's going on with it but whatever I go there you go to the gym you lift the weights and I'll breathe in heavier too because the mask it almost helps the workout because I'm just like and it's like sucking up against my nostrils so I keep over it's like smoking a cigarette in high school I walk over to the corner and just like pull the mask down and grab a couple of breaths you know I walk away from

everybody whatever but that's that's the other thing I don't get it and look call me a chuch call me a cum guzzler but I'm on a flight you know keep that mask on the stewardess lady is yelling at you keep that mask up I had it down like I'm my nostril clit here and they were like what but but but but I was like oh sorry but then I can eat a bag of skittles and they're fine like if it was really that worrisome would you let me risk everyone's life with a skittle yes it's fast I wasn't sure that was rhetorical no I'm asking yeah I don't know a lot of it I think is is theater theatrics and yes theater I think it's

a do the best you can I think the real issues become when it's no mask tons of people mixing and matching low ceiling whatever I think that's when it starts to get spicy spicy meatball but I don't know what to think I mean I just I don't want to go off because every podcast is about this we gotta move off of this but there's the 19 year old kid that was in college and he did all the push-ups and he died in like two days his brain went haywire yep and then this fat governor Lee he's at the fucking thing today I'm watching him on the news going blah blah and I'm like this guy had it four days ago and he's a fat old shit I know it's

it's topsy-turvy and I'm willing to play ball I want to be a good guy and a team anal and all the hit all that shit but I just don't get a lot of it and I don't want to get it then if you ask questions people yell at you and burn a cross on your lawn so I'm just trying to understand but I'm playing ball I'm team player whatever the hell so I'm down whatever you tell me I'll do it I just don't get yelled at but here's what I would say you're bringing joy to people which is need it's it's essential work and you gotta you gotta live you gotta pay you to pay bills I mean these people that aren't working would kill to be

working so we it's almost rude not to work there's a lot of that out there a lot of a lot of people who aren't getting work are the ones who are given people guff for working but I'm clear waiting for guffman yes yes what's her name that shit I lost it Valerie Huffman Calerina Catherine on Hera no no no no she's a hot lady who something Huffman ah Parker Posey Felicity Huffman there it is I guess he's not that hot I don't know I watched the show Felicity wasn't that Carrie Russell she was she was I was way and I'd like pictures of her on my locker oh wow yeah big fluffy had a main

hair there she for Maine but it's a Maine like a lion ah I think that was the males though you know when a lion loses a fight his mane falls out that's too bad so if you see so if you see a lion with a full mane it means he's undefeated oh wow what if it's like horseshoe was that a tie that's a draw yeah good question um but yeah I gotta I just gotta get get this out there to the public the hog is back and the neighbors hate it it was a neighbor who called it the cops on the hog they got a toad I mean these neighbors are ruthless they hate the hog they hate fun they hate me they hate comedy they hate jokes they hate bikes it

was up on the sidewalk I had it safe every day locked up I can't do that anymore I'm scared a old man Ronald is gonna call the cops again so I have to park it like a like a schmo every day I gotta go look at the sign Tuesday 11 to 4 okay and then I gotta move it well I say fuck these neighbors they're rats they're assholes but hey fuck you dude you got a park I mean what do you want what do you want me to do about it you got a vehicle you better park that son of a bitch well my point is and I hear you loud and clear but the thing is it's fine on the sidewalk there's bicycles on the sidewalk they just didn't like this

on the sidewalk is the street I live on is historic and they got to have it looking nice and that was an eyesore and you know this this guy who was in the Korean War and he voted for Hoover he doesn't like it looking bad on the street so that's it well he may be a stickler for rules I love a rule I'm a big rule guy I hate these people that hold the doors on the subway I like you but I get it if it were me I wouldn't call in the cops because I'm not a I'm not a douche I'm not a rat but I get it I get the thing of like why does this guy get to do this can I put my couch on the thing that kind of thing I hear you I

hear you well case and point I don't even know what that means but a fellow Tuesday said I got a garage in Queens winners coming up store the nuts like the grasshopper put the hog in for the winner and live a carefree life so I'm taking them up on that and thank you sir for the for the garage that's nice good gay appreciate the gay nice guy and I'm worried sick about my vehicle you just wrote in it your vehicle sounds like it's hung over it's got a clink a clank a clue gets all over the road I think I got a lemon so I'm driving yesterday first of all you know I'm so thrilled with the garage I couldn't be

happy about the garage it's a load off my back and I like a load on my back but not this kind sure it's so I don't have to worry about the parking but now it's some kid light starting it up every time yesterday I'm leaving my parents I was to drive to our big gig in Fairfield I started up in a big exclamation point looks like the flux capacitor comes up it says system malfunction and every light is up there's a light that's two cars bumping into each other there's a skinny car light there's a oh yeah check engine light and my system is malfunctioning I don't know what's going on the cars got 17,000 miles I bought it six weeks ago

and it's hard not to blame these kids at the parking garage of course they're freewheeling they're hot rod in that thing and it's got this click a lot of people messaged me about the click the click happens in traffic almost like when it's downshifting it feels like it feels like a little like just a and it comes from underneath the car and I was describing where the sound is my dad was like that's where the transmission is and so I'm like fuck my mother in the ass what does he know he's dying my dad's a mechanic I mean he knows these things yeah I didn't amateur he's an amateur mechanic but he can he could

change the oil and the thing and you know he knows what he's doing that's so crazy your dad has high blood pressure because I've never seen him move faster than a skunk tits you know he's just slow-motion guy everything he does he talks slow he sits low you know everything is just very you know just slow and smooth well I think some of some of it's hereditary I think and I think he holds it all in he's never yelled at me holding in and then you know my family doesn't have a great diet there's a lot of booze and fries up there so yes yes yes yeah he's a drinker and yeah he's he's he's holding it in he's holding

Caulfield yeah and and he's not you know putting on a Dalai Lama tape and meditating for a couple days this guy got that right I gotta send you a YouTube clip of a guy they looked at a guy who meditates and a guy who doesn't meditate they looked at their brains that a scan unreal wow good scan good scan for the meadow bad for the petto oh maybe I got a good scan I gotta get one of those for my house fuck the blood pressure I need a scanner you got a good scan I bet by the way do you ever want to put your dong in that puffy squeezy thing well now it's all I can think about I didn't before now I mean I mean that's a snug

that's like a an asshole that's been frightened just hugs what if I have dick blood pressure I just gotta give a shout out to all the the folks out there who are giving us shows we did Fairfield last night that was fun two shows sold out well I had a deer heckle me we had a two deer walk up during my show my set and I got video of that by the way you did yeah I'll send it to you oh please yeah I put on my stories but it just it's if you're not seeing it you don't believe it and a lot of Tuesdays we got some great fans we had some beers and we got a hotel room and yeah it was just a hot time quick yeah hour from the city

by the way we got a couple more sponsors we got to get to but that drive home great time you me Sarah a couple good laughs nice nice talk chat but I almost lost my mind I was trying to play it cool you were telling some nonsense about some guy yeah and we're on FDR which if you've ever driven on FDR if you want to thrill forget six flags oh yeah and five brothers come to drive down the southbound FDR any time of day it is three lanes there's a wall on either side there's there's like a dick width on either side yeah you can see the walls are just covered in paint it's all paint and scrapes and I mean I was in the

fast lane and people were coming up behind me just flashing the high beams oh yeah yeah a couple old lady whiz by on a minivan and went hey you fucking loser you dork speed up and I was trying to get over I'm very very conscious of being in the in the center lane but for whatever reason I was on that lane and I couldn't get over because there's people in the middle lane and the people behind you they don't give a fuck about the middle lane no they just say get out of this lane I don't care if there's someone next to you you should fucking leapfrog them yep I was freaking out it felt like fucking clueless when the

fucking black chick learns to drive and they fucking the backseat yeah I can't believe that was you playing it cool you turned purple you were vibrating you were whizzing out all over the place you yeah you were nervous I was nervous in the backseat but I for me was like it's like that Seinfeld bit where you're in the back of the cab you feel safe well I snapped but for like seven minutes before then I was freaking out I was going mm-hmm yeah that is crazy yeah and then finally I had to be like shut up shut the fuck up I punched Sarah in the face I threw a banana peel at your eye and I had to get out of there we had to

get off and go to second Avenue I almost killed all of us yeah it was like Mario Kart you were dodging red shells and banana peels it was wild I was spotting dimes but should we tell them about the fine people sponsoring us Tuesdays with stores is brought to you by man scaped I love these guys listen up fellows because today we have a new man scape product alert they just released the weed whacker and it's an ear and nose trimmer I should go get I just used it already it's like a thin kind of metal metallic round piece you just shove that in your ear and I heard all the it was cut I got I had ear hair like a

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then that has a pocket so I am that I stuff all my essentials in there my little bullshit zip that up and then you got one of those I don't know pull strings that squeezes the top oh I love everything there squeeze top and then something comes over it and the thing that comes over carries all your essentials it's a great bag it's super cool lots of great products have come out with the military aviator sunglasses the Jeep Wrangler and now you can get the sacrina expedition pack oh that sounds heavy-duty it's something it's all their backpacks are designed with functionality in mind and they will last a

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there we got some gems coming up and we're trying to put more on at least at least a quiff a week so yeah this is the time to buy and what else you doing it's a pandem you need some content folks sign up yeah it's been a quiff a week the entire pandemic so I don't know what that is six months of 15 20 25 30 minute quiffs and that's that's Mark and I together and then there's some of us with other people is about Sarah and I did a bunch of movie talk we got a bunch of guests on there Tim Dillon and Dan Soder we might have a big special guest coming up pretty soon I still can't believe it you're gonna be one you're gonna

want to be part of that one if he doesn't die see but it's a it's a good time and all the live episodes tons of shit on there so please go sign up for the patreon you can get on there for three bucks a month three dollar I mean that's a cup of coffee this cup of tea costs 321 there you go less than tea exactly I could trade in a Starbucks tea for about 5500 hours I don't know how many hours are on there but it's good stuff I know you got a bunch of stuff you got some big stuff I got some little stuff we got a dive in here well I got a hunky dory a big fat labia I don't know if I should save it or just shoot it

right in your your mouth just shoot it in cuz I don't want to I don't want to lose it I don't want to miss it cuz sometimes we save and it gets too late and then meanwhile I'm like I just did eight minutes on fucking Chris Allen eating a hot dog and you were sitting on you know your car getting stolen or something yeah well first off I learned how to drive a stick today I got a Tuesday this guy Sean Strauss I talked about the stick and I got the car coming tomorrow I don't want to drive a stick so this is crunch time here and he he took me out we went to Jersey in the rain and whoop whoop whoop I tore that fucking

rental up by the way you're starting to make me look bad you're fishing with Tuesdays you're parking with Tuesdays you're driving I see a Tuesday I dive behind the bushes what's going on here well all of a sudden you're hip you're attached to the hip with these gays I do some vetting here I'm not gonna hang out with school shooter Bob over there I do a little vetting I check about I check the Insta we asked him some some serious questions great guy normal guy fan of the show fan of the comedy and just he picked me up I got salad cues we filmed the whole thing and we're gonna make a fun little video but yeah he's a hell of

a teacher I mean I've wrecked this he got a rental I fucking destroyed it with the shifting and the stalling do that whole thing and but yeah we had a good time I think I got it down that sounds great I mean good for you I can't wait I mean I want to be I mean I'm not gonna get greedy I don't want to be the first ride but I mean you got a dame over there you got some people in the city but I want to be in the top 10 I got to get in this thing I want to get in there I want to see you shift maybe I'll shift for you you know we'll do teamwork makes the dream work you're in the top 10 top five but just one request oh boy now

remember this is a this is a rust bucket this is a POS a shit hole a shit box so just try not to tear me to pieces when you get in this thing and you pull the radio knob off now the volume knob fell off it's a 43 it's a what is it 1973 that's a 900 year old car I can't do the math but yeah 47 there you go 47 so it's dying wow I mean I can't wait I'm excited and no no judgment I mean I'm thrilled and my car it's fucking two weeks old it's covered in sap and it's got a yellow exclamation point on it yeah yeah that's tough sappy sappy jappy but yeah this is a German hot rod basically so we'll see what happens but that's tomorrow and I'm

nervous and I'm excited and I'm gay and I'm hard but we're gonna we're gonna push through I can't believe they're gonna come here with a giant wrecker or whatever you call that thing a tow truck and just beep beep drop that puppy off I'm gonna sign something they're gonna punch me in the dick and leave wow that is a thrill I mean I'm excited for you maybe I'll come into the city it might be raining but I'll come see it soon I know I hate that it's gonna have all this is gonna happen in the rain it's so sad but all right here's a fun nugget and a sink your teeth into this big old porter house there fatty all right so I get a I get an

email from my agent he goes I got a crazy gig just just let me tell him just tell me no and I'll tell these people to kill themselves and I go well let me hear the gig he goes it's a wedding on Long Island couple grand I do 25 minutes I'm like what are you kidding that's great and he's like I don't know it's pretty far out we don't want people thinking you'll work for this much money and I want to be like I've been working under the books for like 300 bucks here and there like I'll do any gig you know you put three three digits I'm in so I was like just I'll just do it I get the night off I'll take it as you do it's a big purse so he goes

all right all right here you go here's the details I'm like oh cool it's a Tuesday he's getting married it's kind of flattering that he wants to have a have me at the wedding it's a horrible idea but I'll take the dough so it's in Stony Brook Long Island you ever heard of this yeah been to Stony Brook really that's where the school is ah yes and the milk I think that what's the school is it Stony Brook the college yes don't it is I think I did a gig with Quinn there I open for him he went to school there for like a month and I think they kicked him right out that's how he was a big big alcoholic did you drive I drove him

there and I think they shot what's that great fucking movie with dear Hunter black black swan ah they shot the dressing room that we were in at Stony Brook they shot black swan in there wow well all these black swans are getting shot I was I was sniffing all the chairs cuz I love Portman oh who doesn't it's a hot Jew but all right so I go I'll figure it out he goes I can't pick you up obviously they're at the wedding and you're on your own I got figured out it's probably the LIR I go to the Penn Station I buy a ticket and I get on the train it's a Sunday night there's nobody in Penn

Station would be in the hobos I get on the train and you know you kind of start going you're looking at the board and it says like Ocktonville Brockton house dickless of Sin Valley Quiffville or whatever you're like huh I'm not seeing the one I need I'm not seeing Stony Brook so I go up to some weirdo guy who's drinking a butt heavy and I'm like hey man how do I get to Stony Brook he goes oh that's never good he goes you got to get off at the third one then you got to transfer another train you got to ride that four stops then get on another train I was like what it's three trains whoo so I'm already like oh and you

can't relax as you're like is this is this Quiffville is that Quiffville is it is that cunt house what is this you know so you're you're all over the place you finally get to one and then you get to the station and it's one of those stations where there's like six tracks and you're like is that the train I need or is that the train I need you know the door opens on both sides of the train right so it's brutal too because with tracks you can't just walk over you got to go upstairs across and then downstairs so it's it's timely if that other train comes and you're on the wrong tracks exactly so you're right I'm

running up to each training like you pop in and nobody wants to help you it's New York so I go is this going to Stony Brook or or or a labia town or a clitburg whatever it is and they're like that bad man you're like you know you only have a few second before it moves so I finally find a conductor and I'm like which one is Stony Brook you got to ride that one to you know Fayetteville or whatever I'm like all right all right so I'm on the right one that's two hours whatever it is I finally figured all out it takes me like four hours to get out there so I'm like geez I'm glad that's over and I've been on the train

for so long I look at my phone I'm going to a resort in the woods and now it's a 25 minute walk from the train station or I can Uber and I go you know what I've been I've been sitting on my ass for four hours I'm walking it so I'm in a full suit going to a wedding walking through the woods at 8 at night and I'm like this is crazy what am I doing I mean I got a headphone in it's chilly I'm in a suit walking down nice shoes on there's a cabin there maybe another cabin over there and before I know it I look at my phone 15 minutes more to go I'm 10 feet maybe 20 feet in the road it's just me and a buck up I don't know a three pointer

a foot two footer what do you call it a three-point buck it depends on the horse the whole thing six point probably six maybe a sixer and I'm just like and he's looking at me I'm looking at him and he owns this turf I'm on his turf I'm the city douche in the suit he's like what are you doing here and I'm doing like the alright you know try to scare it you see they see how squirrely these deer are they they they hear a twig pop and they run but it's like he's not budge he's got antlers well here's the thing too sorry to interrupt but no please we've all seen the videos in the Instagrams where they stand on their hind legs and

kick the shit out of a guy yes exactly it looked like a moose so I'm just like now I'm going like whoo whoo if you wouldn't see me out the window I'm in a suit going whoo whoo you know and it's just going like I was like what are you doing I'm like now I'm getting lat it won't move and I'm like well now I've been doing this like a minute and a half so it's getting a little weird like is it gonna charge me does it think I'm attacking is it threatened is it pissed and I start kind of like doing this shit like something like it like you know what we call it if and we hit you if at somebody and he's not movies just

confused and then eventually I just go and it just goes alright and it walks away just walks into the woods got so terrifying because these animals you can't communicate with them and I'm talking about deer that you can't communicate with them and they have the antlers like I mean they can just go nuts and you can't just go listen sir let's talk about this you know I'm just trying to go to a show you know I'm a good person you know right whatever and like I said I mean like there are those videos of deer just like fist fighting guys and they kick the fuck out of them completely and you know he could just

ram me with the antlers and pick me up on it and then throw me over a cliff I mean the odds are endless so he walks away and then parties like well is he just hiding and then when I get up here he's gonna trample me or whatever some kind of walking uneasy finally I start running a little bit because I'm like I just want to get this walk over so I start kind of jogging I get to this place it's this beautiful Norman Rockwell scene of like a cabin with the little curl of smoke and music playing and you know manicured lawn it's beautiful it's probably there from the 18 whatever I get in there it's one of

those old inns you know where the ceilings right here the floors creak and everything's pretty and wooden and worn in and I was like I'm here for the wedding and I can see the wedding in the distance and the guy goes Jesus get over here get over here he's like they don't want to see you until it's time for you to go on I was like oh okay so what do I do and he's like just go sit at the bar so I go sit at the bar it's like it's beautiful oak bar you know you could tell George Washington got blown there whatever it is it's got a ton of history and I see these two old guys at the bar just chatting I'm Jeff I'm Bill

you know the drinking Scotch the two old Long Island guys I sit down the bartender is like this good-looking 21 year old kid tall guy full head of hair kind of beefy and he goes Mark Norman I go yeah he goes oh my god I'm a huge fan I love out to lunch oh my it was crazy like the odds of this I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere this guy knows me was like a it was like a life raft like ah thank God so we start chatting he's asked me all these comedy questions I get I get a dinner I'm eating the dinner I'm listening to these old fogies go at it this guy's chat with me it's kind of nice it's like 830 I'm supposed to go on at

915 so I'm kind of like alright I guess I'm on soon and then I look at the phone schedule I look at the train schedule the next train is at 1025 and the one after that is at 125 which would mean I'll get home at 525 it's a four-hour ride so I got to get on that 1025 so now I'm chatting I'm chatting these two old guys start going at it they almost get into blows because they're just fighting over sports stats and they're just going nuts like mom McKeever had 28 hits fuck you he's like what are you fucking homo he had 29 you know they're going at it and this guy's wife kind of starts splitting them up and he she goes let's

get out of here and he's like fine let's go and she goes oh and their shit face she goes I lost my keys now the whole place is every staff member is looking for her keys they're nowhere to be found they can't drive he's got to get her an Uber it's a whole thing finally it's like 8.59 o'clock I'm supposed to go to 9.15 now it's 9.30 I'm doing a half hour oh god but I gotta make the train now it's 9.45 and they finally go come on in I go in it's it's like out of a movie it's a ballroom the bride and groomer in the middle of the floor at a table this ball the brown tables over here round tables over there I just stand in the middle and

I rotate that they're all confused like who is this what's going on I got a cordless bike the one Tuesday is going you know you know that sound of like one guy digging it's like yeah do I so horrible even the wife's not into it she's like oh let us let him do his dumb thing with his idiot you know comic guy and you know I'm kind of bombing I'm doing a little riffing I'll talk about how bad it is I get a couple people listening it's it goes okay but it's the longest 25 minutes of my life I get off stage I look at my phone it's 1010 I'm like all right if I get a ride I can make it back to 1025 that's 15 good 15

minutes the walk was 20 minutes so the drive will be like five so then he goes we all got to take photos my god geez all right so now we're taking photos bridesmaids grooms the whole thing me and the groom me and the bride you know we got the fashion the photographer there like the the professional lady and I now get one we're up sitting on his lap you know we'll make a jokie now you saw my lab and I'm like oh yeah and he goes you hanging out right they never think about the ride home never I'm like they just want you there to show do the show and all that and he was a nice guy but it doesn't cross people's brains like you

have to get back to your bedroom at some point yeah well this is the thing with with you and I talk about is that people assume that we're lonely which is not incorrect always but people are like you don't want to be on a train going home what's at home you want to be here yes like they assume like we got party we got drinks we got food there's no way you don't want to be here that's exactly right there's girls is everything so I understand where they're coming from but you know sometimes we want to go home yeah and I do want to be there I want to have a drink I want to eat and I want to dance and all that but like

it is a factor that the train is going to be here and if I'm not on it I get home at 5 a.m. and I know that doesn't affect their lives but it affects mine and they just can't see that sure no I mean you know it's their wedding so they're not looking out for other people's shit no one's like we gotta make sure you know canter doesn't fuck my aunt I'm over here you know twirling the night away it's my big night so exactly so I they go so you hanging out you drink it I go oh yeah oh yeah and it goes all right and I go I'm gonna go get a drink I walk back to the bar the old people are flipping out you know they're still

fighting they can't find the keys anywhere they're drunk and I go up to the the bartender the guy who knew me and I go crazy question it's 1019 the train is at 1025 is there any possible way I could make this train and I'm already downtrodden I'm just I'm assuming it's not gonna happen and he goes I'll drive you and he goes Billy watch my post and he throws a bar rag to Billy Billy's like 18 he was mopping he's like and we jump in this guy's truck and he's haul again he's a volunteer firefighter he's got this huge red truck we're whizzing down I see the deer I flip it off a you piece of shit buck and we keep going we

keep going I get to the train at like 1024 I'd say thank you you're my hero I shake his hand we take some photos and then I jump out of the truck and I hear bing bing bing bing bing bing you know that train sound ding ding ding ding it's coming I run up there and I look at the train and I'm like wait a minute is that going to New York or is that going more in the Long Island and I'm like what the hell is this and then another train comes on the other side so I'm like it's one of these trains and this guy runs up now he's on the platform and he goes other side and I just go and I run and I gotta get to the stairs and I do

the crossover bridge come back down doors open I jump in take three trains home made it home at like 2 a.m. oh god you're fucking Kerry Grant I'm Batman it was crazy I'm driving the bus I mean in the suit running through the through the through the train station it was bananas and they were probably going uh when's he coming back with that drink but I was out of there wow thank god for the the second gay the second gay man on the grassy knoll because he saved your life and thank god you didn't get another train you would have been out in the fucking Hamptons you would have had to call Jerry which could have been a fun

story also I would have been in Montauk you know in a suit for three days I mean that's it that is insane and amazing and what a thrill for them they got what they needed they got the set they met you they got the photos by the way you gotta put some of those photos on instagram or patreon or whatever get a copy of those things oh yeah that's not bad but I mean all is well that ends well and in the end it's better that you chewed and screwed because you know that to him you're a celebrity oh my god Tuesdays and I know this from my wedding you know Derek's my my best pal in the whole wide world I don't get to see him

so he's there to me at my whole wedding weekend was the Derek show my wife I see every day and you guys I see all the time and he's my best friend so we had to fucking the ass a couple times so at the end of the weekend I was like I didn't even talk to him I didn't see him because I gotta give the Derek time so if you stayed there this guy would have been slow dancing with you and pulling your panties off and throwing them to the bachelorettes and the wife would be pissed they'd get divorced you saved them from getting divorced by leaving yeah yeah you might have something there and also

I don't think people realize like after you bomb especially when you bomb for a 25 to 30 minute period you feel very vulnerable you just want to get out of there you know you're kind of like I just showed him my material they kind of hated it I opened myself up to them and they didn't really dig it and I'm in a suit and nobody knows me and you just want to leave so it also has it's a lesson in like you got to take life in your own hands sometimes like that train was coming and I need to be on it and I just had to I had to

chew and screw what's the other one dine and dash I had to get out of there yeah and uh you know eat gash and dash get a rash yeah been there but uh no that's great but yeah I mean people know even when you have a good set it's still vulnerable like you're up there you're you're putting it all out there you're putting it up and out and over and it it's your back hurts after a set like that and your your arms and your tense and your sweaty eyeballs hurt and it's a lot I mean like I even have it with other comics where you come in the

back and and the feature or the mc they've been kind of picking daisies for the last hour and they're going what do you want to get to eat you want to eat food that the waitress is going to come in and I'm like I can't even think I'm thinking about every single thing I said in the meet and greet everything I said to the bartender I'm worried about the way I looked at a lady in the front row I'm worried about the guy that didn't smile I'm like I can't think or speak for like 40 minutes after a show slash meet and greet

totally totally yeah you're still kind of red in the face you got the back sweat and the lower back your shirt stuck to you you need a minute you need a what do you call decompress after that and they don't they don't realize that that's when they're the most juiced up like that was fun oh I like that one joke it got you in a headlock he's punching the stomach he's tweaking the nips it's too much but yeah got out of there felt cool on the train when I made it in the suit like ah it's over just something about running in a suit you

feel like Tom Cruise and the firm or something or Mission Impossible I don't know what it is but it's funny because that Long Island gig I did that I really trashed those guys hit me up and they were like hey a little bit hurt constructive criticism appreciate the compliments it was kind of painful but Sam just did the Long Island show and he had a blast because of all all the critiques ah yeah so you did you did some service there you know you gotta break some eggs

to make an abortion yes yes big pro choice and uh yeah I trashed them a little bit but René I love you the other guys you're good eggs but now it's basically a Yelp review and they they applied the notes and they went now they're off and running that's good and uh boy wouldn't mind doing this sweet gig there uh René Rancourt uh god bless America yeah please book them Jerry he'll hit you up check your dms there sloppy jalopy because it's coming uh all right please right in my face uh well I'll just say this real quick we

got we got to wrap up but so Saturday night at the Rogue Island comedy festival and first time I got to do it I kept getting booked and and Doug god bless him he asked me every year and one year I had this and that and so we did it in a vineyard outside and on in Portsmouth Rhode Island beautiful spot but boy it was chilly and windy I mean like 40 mile an hour wind 62 to gay degrees freezing but my my main man Dan Bulger came down drove all the way down in a in a blizzard this this fool

that was a wonderful life reference he came down Chris Allen was there fat Chris the bully and Chris bought some guy you know this guy Alex something Castain yeah he's a hell of a guy that guy his first class cute kid he's got I think he's like 14 years old he's got no pubes uh whippersnapper fun guy he's coming to a few of my gigs he's a he's a cute kid good hang I fell in love with this kid because we started you know talking springsteen and it's like you and I was Seinfeld you meet a springsteen guy you start pushing

each other into the bushes and I'm like did you know Bobby Jean's about Stevie Van Zandt and he's like oh my god you gotta be shitting me and I told him the McCartney story he was blowing me we smoke cigars in the woods it was fantastic and oh it's great you're a petal you're like Epstein you're hanging out with 14 year olds oh I gave him a noogie I fucked him in the ass I mean it was fantastic hang and uh Chris was nice too whatever but Chris was like bring your baseball glove Bulger brought his and so it was

like a little chain letter we all brought our gloves threw the ball around we felt like children we're out in the field it was field of dreams I love it except there's a black guy there well you know uh Terrence Mann what's his name James Earl Jones oh yeah I hope Chris narrated yeah he was uh you know what did what did you see Ray uh but anyways we had a nice baseball toss but then first show not great two drunk women in the front kept chipping and chappin and just the kind

that no one else can really hear them but they keep being like oh that's like 50 year old women drunk chit chatting blah and these are these are high-class hoity-toity Rhode Island queeps exactly and they got their own beers they're all drunk they think they run the world whatever they were annoying then I had a couple friends from high school and they're sitting over here and they're kind of chatting a little bit they're drunk they're chit chatting a little bit one of them gets up and goes to get a

drink right as I'm closing and you just go what is this just hold your piss for four minutes you fucking son of a bitch hey look who's talking whizzy I hold I'll hold it coffee up never pissed during a Pearl Jam show in my life 42 shows never urinated once even when I was an alcoholic that is highly unbelieve what do you got a pampers on that's insane well one time Montreal 2000 whatever canter and I went see Pearl Jam you know they play a three-hour show we left I was literally physically

limping I could not stand up straight and then with the bathroom line was too long I forget why we had to piss behind a a dump or whatever you call a dumpster and I pissed for like I'm not even joking like four and a half minutes straight it was just I couldn't stop pissing but I would always dehydrate myself for like hours before the show because I didn't want to piss but that's a whole other bag of tits sure but so afterwards I got these friends I just go straight I didn't have a great set I didn't love it I go straight back to the dressing room

area I'm talking to the boys and they're like you should go talk to these people you've known them for 20 years you haven't seen them in 10 years I'm like I'm not gonna go I don't want to talk to them I had a bad set they were chatting whatever it's a lot of work I checked my message and he goes hey can we say hello and I'm like ah I don't want to be rude I go out there and the one woman sweetest pie couldn't have been sweeter we kick around some old times I'm so happy I went out there to talk to her this other lady I went to high school with she was like you were the third

funniest on the show oh man that's really what are the three comics the point six comics six comics I was in the middle but I mean I'm headlining the show I'm the headliner and she gives she goes through who was funnier and why and I'm like what are you doing and her friend the sweet friend was like what are you doing and she's like what is that no good she's like what do you mean I just you just weren't that great I mean I know it's no offense oh painful imagine going hey you're not just not you're kind of fat you're not as

pretty as your friend brutal and then the other two comics come over and then she doubles down she's like hey I was just telling him how much funny are you guys were I gotta just sit there I mean it was brutal very hurtful can I ask what you didn't like that me I don't know I don't know and to be fair I fucked around a little bit I tried some new I was a little dirty I mean I stunk it up I was annoyed by the drunk ladies and uh that's a nightmare the other two might have had easier spots I'm not saying nothing about nothing I don't know

what's what but uh enough said understood but uh it was a bummer so I just went and then Alex really stepped it up I mean this guy he was talking spring steam telling me I'm great we smoke cigars together I had the light mine off the end of Chris Allen's which felt gay and fun and very intimate it was quite fun we had a good hang and then the second show was rocking you know when you get that you get it back it was more packed they weren't drunk more fans killed but then of course you have the feeling of like why couldn't they have been at this show

right of course but story of my life second show was amazing Doug Key he puts on a hell of a show hell of a festival great guy great times great egg cute kid great body I mean him or a comics and Mohegan sun this weekend just throwing it out there yeah get out there and I gotta plug a show here Jersey City you did this gig uh fuck what's it called what's the bar called that's what I'm looking up right now the pet shop I believe oh that was super fun outdoors there's only one flaw of that gig

okay it's outside it's great it's got a big brick wall and all that shit good good sound system but the floor is is a pebbles so whenever somebody walks by it's already a bummer when people leave during your set but it goes and it's so loud wow all right well hopefully no one leaves unless a friend from high school comes but uh it's in Jersey City the pet shop Monday October 19th and I think it's small so get some tickets maybe it'll sell out we'll sell it out that's uh next Monday six days from now

at pet shop Jersey City that'll be fun and we had to cancel do we do we do we promote the live app because we had to cancel that I don't think we did all right good forget it I've brought it up I'm at uh Sol Joles on October 21st trying to get Jerry to come out whoo not gonna happen but it's worth it it's worth the world yeah and uh I might see at the stress factory this weekend if you're down there I'll open it for the uh the big the big man and so uh yeah we'll be out and about and uh join the patreon and uh check out mindful metal jackets subscribe I I never

plug it people keep asking why I don't plug it it's it's doing well Doug Key's on there a bunch of people and a lot of people keep asking when's Mark gonna be on but here's the thing I gotta say about that if we're gonna do an hour podcasting I want that baby in the patreon of course I mean it's we're already doing multiple podcasts plus it's so hard for us not to go into queef and suck my dick and blow me so we'll do it eventually but um you know we're trying to do these bonuses for the patreon so if you want some mark and joe time just watch this get on the

patreon three bucks we got this and we got the patreon for god's sakes but we'll do that eventually too and we're gonna start doing these together we're gonna today but it was raining I feel like Newman but uh we'll we'll get back together soon some people write cunty things like I'm not gonna watch unless you're together which doesn't even make sense I don't believe that guy I think you're I think you are listening I think you're full of shit uh he's definitely listening he's jerking off right now but yeah we'll

we'll be together and we'll let's do an hour queef fuck the uh the jacket let's just go queef it up I hate the jacket it's a piece of shit let's get the patreon please subscribe I'm gonna kill myself oh yeah is that a pink lining all right let's wrap it up good stuff check us out out to lunch and I hate myself both on youtube write a comment algorithm and we'll see in hell queef it up praise I'll uh blow your mom Georgia say cut it please