Tuesdays with Stories! - #372 Grinding My Gears

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Good god Mark & Joe are back in the same room again where we hear about Mark's nightmare Staten Island Ferry performance before he learns to drive a stick shift while Joe tries to pass off a classic car of his own. Check it out! Sponsored by: Talkspace (talkspace.com code: tuesdays) & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed the and of all

yeah but you know he we are all , own oh god all of those at D is

this is show относit the the the I said I'll go say hi to Liz, the manager over there, and who's over there? Chris D. Stefano and Mike Cannon. Oh, at the seller. At Fat Black. Ah. Walk by and they're all out there and the little shit, Chris's kid who hates me. Oh, the girl? She hates me. You think or you, I mean, little girls are tough. You don't get a good hello. They don't

really give, they're not warm. No, I walked over and she started booing. She was doing, me this. Wow. And you know, Liz was encouraging her. Sure. And, you know, I was hurt, but we, at the Super Bowl party, Sal Volcano had a Super Bowl party and she was there and I like to really get in there and touch the kid. Sure. Hyperbolically or hypothetically, hypothetically. No, no, no, no. What's Dermia? No, hypothermia. Yeah. I don't know. A derm hypodermic is the thing. Hypodermic needle. The needles. Yeah. Hypoallergenic. Needles. That was Flea's character and back to the future. Oh, that's right. That's right. I wonder if he had AIDS. He's a good actor. Flea. He's all around talented. Not a great

looking chap. Now, bad luck. Bad luck. Flea is a weird bug to choose because you don't like a Flea. That's a good point. I like to Flea anytime, you know, someone talks to me, but I never was a chili pepper guy. I had a couple of, I like the Aeroplane. Yeah, one hot minute. I like that album and they didn't, it was fine. I didn't like the... No, no, no, no. Sex, crazy magic or anal, whatever it was and then I hate the later stuff. Scar tissue. Oh, brutal. Scar tissue sucks. Scar tissue that I wish you saw. I'd leave it on the radio at long drive, but I'm like, uh, who's this for? It feels like something to be playing in an elevator. No, it's complete shit. And then I even like, I like the Stevie Wonder one enough, but then I prefer Stevie Wonder. Oh, they did a cover?

They did. Yeah. The people keep on teaching. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that was a cover, but I like, I like the underwear. I like the shirtless. I like the going for it, but yeah, the tunes later on, he got plastic surgery, his weird hair, the whole thing is kooky. Stinks, but anyways, so I walk up and she's the kids boomie, the Super Bowl party. She gave me nothing. She was, but that's what I was gonna say. I like to bond with a child. I like to be the guy that puts the kid in the headlock and punch him, you know, but that's a good look. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's not, I didn't, I didn't do great with her. She's a tough crowd. I may, but you know, it might be the mother might be, you know, man or shit, whatever. Sure.

Sure. Or maybe it's Chris. Maybe he's, maybe he's intimidated by me. He's putting the seed in. You know, I'm a lot better looking than Chris. So maybe he doesn't want me to, you know, bird dog is chicks. Right. Right. You're going to see a tall, lanky weirdo. Really? Snub him. So anyway, so she was giving me shit, but it was a classic moment over there because it was, it was Liz and the girl and Chris D and Canon who I think is a Tuesday, by the way. Canon. First class guy. He's got a special, by the way, on YouTube. Check it out. Oh yeah. What's it called? I think it's called it just kicked in when life, isn't it life in there somewhere? I think he's got a couple. I thought it was. Oh, it's about drugs. The drugs kicked in. Yeah.

I think it kicked in. I think it just kicked in. Yeah. Something like that. You're right. You're right. Cute kid, funny guy. It's a good one. And underrated looking guy. I think he's a handsome guy. Well, he's very salty now. He went white. He's, he's ghastly with the white. Oh, he's ghastly. Yeah. Gaslighting. I don't know ghastly. I think it's a word, but I don't know if I'm using it right. I know ghastly. I think this is, ghastly is ghastly both in A and seven O. I see. I had a chick ghast me once. A bunch of Jews got ghast hardcore. You got that right. That was, allegedly. That was ghastly, all right. Oh yeah. But any tits. So we're sitting around in the circle there and I says, hey, isn't it weird? You know, I like to deliver a joke very earnestly sometime. Yeah, yeah. And I

said, I just found out, did you guys know this? You probably knew it. I think I found out late, but girls and women have much, much smaller brains. Did you guys know that? I knew that. And well, I threw that out there and the girl went, she gave me a no, no, ma'am finger and grabbed. Yeah. She grabbed Chris D and walked away. I mean, I walked the room. They left. Wow. I mean, she's like a little social justice. She was pissed. She wasn't going for it. And you know, Liz was upset and they left. And once the kid leaves, the adults have to leave. So I mean, I literally walked the whole room. Wow. Damn, that's tough. Bomb with a kid. That's tough. See, you get the bomb from a kid in the wave. I get hitting. Kids just hit me. I walk in a room and

kids just knocking me on my back and jumping on me, hitting me in the shin. What is that? Well, I think kids like to hit because they think they can, they're not going to hurt you maybe. Man, maybe. And I think this is another thing I think. I think a lot of men, myself included, because I do this, they don't know how to communicate with the kids. So I think I'll do is just naturally like, Hey, look at this kid. You're right. You're right. And so the kid is like, Oh, this is what you communicate with a guy. You punch him in the dick. Interesting. Because I see that happen a lot where adults of all varieties of usually males, almost always males will do Hey, look at this slugger, you son of a bitch. Got your ear, got your nose, finger in your ass,

whatever. And then when the kid retaliates, he'll punch in the dick. It'll hurt the dick. And then they go, What are you doing yet? You can't just hit people. And you're like, I think you were doing a thing too. That is a little confusing. But it's, yeah, it's a bummer. Because sometimes you want to go, All right, well, you ready to watch this movie? And they're like, you're like, All right, well, can we stop now? How long do we do the hitting? Yeah, get it all day long. But hey, what can you do? I do a lot of it. I need a break. Yes. You're going to break. And then you got to say it loud enough for the parent to hear. And they said, Joe needs a break. It's, it's tough, these kids. It's tough. And my brother's got a seven year old, two daughters, seven and a two.

And man, these kids beat the bag out of me all day long. And they love it because they're like, wear them out, wear her out. Then we can put her down like Cosby. It's the whole thing. Well, any jizz. So why, how you been? What's going on? I don't even know how to do the podcast anymore. It's kooky. Yeah. The whole thing is wacky. I don't know where I am. I don't know who you are. I'm good. I just got back from Mohegan some, but a lot, lot to talk about. I've been all over the road. I'm, I'm no sleep deprived. I'm wiped. I'm gay. I gotta say, I think doing it in person is psychotic feeling because there's a camera. So it feels like we're talking again, but you forget that we're just two people in a house in a house and it feels weird to look at

you. I mean, this is ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little off-putting. It's very strange. Podcast is so strange because it's us talking to each other, but there's like 75,000 people listening. It's a weird medium, but people seem to be enjoying it and catching on. I mean, Rogan does pretty well, but all right. So how about let me throw this nugget at you there, fat man. All right. So I got a nod. I got a, you saw Nate Bregazzi did the tonight show. I did. Yes. I saw it. It was fantastic. Let's say very funny, funny guy. And so they said, well, you've done the tonight show a bunch. You want to, you want to do a set. I see her on the road. Why don't you just do five minutes, send us the tape. We'll put it on. I said, great,

but I watched Nate's and he's, the jokes are great. He's funny, great comic, but it's like in a club, it's black curtain. It's dark. He's in a t-shirt and a hat or whatever. It's, it didn't feel like tonight show. You know, we put a suit on, we go to 30 rock, we blow foul and it's a whole thing. Yes. So I said, let's really go for the gold here. And I put it, I said, let's throw it up on the, the Staten Island ferry and shoot it. Whoa. Yeah. Just to really make it fun, New York, baby. So I get my crew together on my video guys, my sound guys, and I put a message out, Hey, Tuesdays, meet me at the Staten Island ferry on Wednesday at five PM. We're going to get the five o'clock boat. We're going to, we're going to shoot

a big production and about eight, nine Tuesdays showed up. We're out there with five guys, boom mics. We had a little speaker, we had a cord with a microphone. I'm dressed up and we shoot it and the way it's like, you know, it sounds horrific. Three of the cameras didn't work. One guy brought a drone. If it went up and the wind took it, it just went back down and then it cut his hand. So he's bleeding. And I'm like, Oh, Corona, huh? I'm like, Oh gee, he's like, I see him in the background. The wind's coming at my hair is going this way. I got a comb over my jacket's flap and I watched the footage. My shirt comes up. You can see my belly button. Oh, it was so brutal. And I got, uh, I got to pay these guys and I thought we had it and I see the footage.

It is tough. Wow. I mean, so many questions here. I mean, so five o'clock is commuter. Were there commuter people on there? There were, but we wanted the sunset. Uh, the sunset. It's setting early. Winter is a, as a foot and we wanted the whole look and man, it was a night. It was not easy. Well, the weather of the winter zone, it's way, but so is this, is anything salvageable? Did you submit it? No, no, we're still editing. We're trying to do all these tricks and editing and we got fucking George Lucas on this thing because it's, it's so off the rails that he's trying to fix it. He's got Jar Jar in there. The whole thing is, is it's rough, but we're trying to make it work. We might have to reshoot. Well, you got to get someone better than Lucas because when you

really think about Lucas, he hasn't done that much. I mean, let's be honest. The guy had one great idea that a lot of, a lot of shit. American splendor or whatever the fuck that one's called is fun. American graffiti. Yeah. I mean, you got to get someone better than Lucas. I mean, meanwhile, I don't even know what he's doing working on a tonight show set. He's like a billionaire. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't cheap, but we're, we're, we're struggling here because we, we got all these guys together. Tuesday showed up. We need, well, I need to reshoot it, but I don't know. Nobody's going to come back again. But how did the set go as far as like, forget the cameras and the bleeding finger and the fucking kamikaze. Yeah. The set itself talking to the

gays and the, and the commuters. How did that go? The gays were great. Can't thank them enough. They're cute. They giggled. We had a, we had a microphone for them. They all got around a mic and I would say a joke and they would go, haha. It was, it was wacky, but the set was so hard because the wind is blowing. I got a seagull shit in my mouth. I got all this stuff going on. The boat goes, all this shit. And I sped to the set. I did like two and a half minutes. Oh boy. So we got, I mean, I went short. It's blown out. There was no sunset. There was a whole gray sky. You can see 9 11 happening. The whole thing was tough. Well, never forget, but did they already say that's cool? We got an email from the city. The city approved it. I sent it to him. The audience had

to wear masks. We, we, we played all the rules. We played ball, but I mean the, uh, the booker of the show. Did he say Staten Island? That's great. He was like, I like it. It's a cool idea. Like where your head's at, but obviously we got to play by the rules. We got to be legal. We got to be COVID safe, you know, the whole thing. So we, we did it. We went, we, we, we did everything. Simpatico. Is that it? That's something I've heard you say it before. It's Spanish, I think. Yeah, I think it's a Spanish food. Simplified. Body, go and beans. I don't know. But either way, we shot it and it's, it's just, I was fighting with, uh, Salacus on the, on the, when you were coming over, because it was paying these guys, these guys in the hospital with the drone thing.

And the drone didn't even get used. The half the footage is, is scrapped. Five cameras, two footages are usable. Oh boy. That's tough. So how, what's the prognosis? If you had percentages, if you're working in Vegas and a bunch of people said, I want to bet on this recording, getting on the tonight show, what are the odds you're, you're given here? Well, with me going short, that's on me. The audience sounds kooky. The wind is all up my ass. I had a Marilyn Monroe moment. My tits are out. My clits on the floor. So I think we're going to have, if we're going to get it on, we're going to have to reshoot it. I'm being honest, but man, getting all that together and then the Tuesdays actually showed up and I'm venting, but we went for it.

What about this idea? Now I hate to be the guy that's like, what, that's a good idea. But how about this idea? Please. Because it sounds like you want it to be kitschy and interesting and fun and different. I'm sitting here in your living room. I'm looking around. You got a full bar over here. What if you did a tonight show set in your living room? You got a couch, you got chairs, you got a bar. I mean, there's, there's kids to look at over here. You got a plant. Maybe you get, you know, 15 people. You have to do it slyly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then you got a couple of Tuesdays in your home there. That could be a little off putting. That's a little tricky. Yes. Yes. Yeah. What's the word? It's not informative. It's a little intrusive. Intrusive. Yes.

Thank you. It's a little much, but you could also fill it with young open mic guy or newer comics or even like, it might be funny to do like real comics. No offense to the open micers. And then it's funny because you can get an audience shot. It cuts to a bunch of comics that have been on the show. You got Chris D in the crowd. You have, you know, Keith Robinson, Lou CK's in the crowd going, oh man, that's a whole nother show. I mean, that might be something. Yeah. That's not bad. I'm just thinking outside the box because I mean, I've watched a million documentaries on Jaws and it almost killed them. The shark is not working and then the land comes in and that fucks up. But that shooting on waters like notoriously, legendarily difficult. Right. We're going to need a bigger

fairy. Yeah. And a bigger laugh. But I'm just saying maybe, you know, you got Bob Newhart's record over here. There's some, there's some plants. You can get some audience plants. You got a bar. This is not bad. How about this idea? In the shower, Mark Norman, I opened the curtain. I'm wearing a suit delivering from the shower. I love it. You come out and you're in a bathroom and you have a stage. You have a natural stage. Oh, you pull the curtain back. You got the bathroom on. We're all in here. I'll do it. I'll get Sarah. I mean, this is good. You can get Liz, the seller staff, the sellers. They'll come over here. We could have a waitress walk by like it's a comedy club. Yes, that's big. I mean, you could get a whole gang of people. You could

get some non, you know, I think you get seller staff and there's non comedian people around that would be happy to do it. You got something here, fatty. This is big and I don't think go back to the goddamn fairy and get my ass kicked by the wind and the amount of the amount I've paid these video guys. I'm already on my head over the, uh, over the paid check for the check for the, for the show. Shouldn't this show pay for it? Hey, you think, but I did. I went a little overboard. I mean, what if I said, Hey, I want to jump out of a helicopter and deliver the set on the way down in a parachute? They'd be like, well, that's on you. Yeah. That's a bill on everything. Jerry did it and it wasn't great when he did it, but that's neither here nor there. We'll cut that.

George is saying cut it. Oh yeah, but I had to get that out. That's my, uh, gripe of the week. Uh, good gripe, excellent gripe. And that's exciting. I mean, the moral of, of the, the story is that you're going to do tonight's show. True. I should be, I should quit bitching, but, uh, it just sucks when you have a great or fun idea and it's grandiose and everybody goes, it's not going to work. Cause what about this? What about that? And I hate those people, but they were right. I think, uh, I think it's a good idea. And you take that footage, people are hearing about this. Now you, you put it on the YouTube fail tonight show. That's good. You know, ferry sinks or whatever the fuck, Brian,

ferry, whatever. Yes. And then maybe, maybe this, this could be something in the house. I like it. I like it. Fairy Christmas. Maybe you do like a urban thing. Mark Norman's in the house. Haha. In the house. DA. Right. In the house was big. Remember when we were young, everything's in the house. Huge. You know what? Oh, sorry. That was just like a greeting. You'd say, Mark's in the house. Yes. Yes. Oh, you know what else was big? And I don't know where this came from and it lasted a good eight years and then just went away. What it was, uh, let's say you did something great. I go, yeah, Joe, it's your birthday. That was huge. It's your birthday. Even on it's your birthday. We don't say it on your birthday.

We don't even say that. That's right. It's your birthday. The man was big too. Oh, the man was huge. That's lingering, but Mark, he's the man. Yeah. You're the man. Little sexist. It's weird when a, when a, my agent was a, my old agent, she got fired, but she was a lady and I'd be like, you're the king. Uh, queen. Queen doesn't work. Queen's not as good. Does the queen just serves the king? I think she blows the king or whatever. Like even a first lady is, is productive. She takes the thing. She says no cookies or whatever, but a queen. What the fuck's a queen doing? Decent band and, uh, they got drag. Those, those are queens. And then yes, queen. I think it's something. Yes. That band sucks. Queen,

the band is great. You don't like yes. Hey, stink. What? Get out of here with yes. All right. He's saying no to yes. All right. So, oh, we got ads. Oh yeah, we do. Oh, I forgot all about it. Well, it's still early here. We're only fucking nine minutes into this piece of shit. Oh geez. Well, uh, I got more. I got more. I got some stuff. I got some stuff. I went on a gripe. You, you gripping gripe. All right. Let me pull up the ads just so I have them when we're ready. These are good ads too. Oh, the best of the best. These are lunch. Oh boy. I'm excited about these. Should we do them now or later? How about we do one now, one and about a half. I like that. All right. Well, this, uh, this one, we all know this one. We all love them. Must read verbatim.

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shipping. Wow. That's a steal. Again, that's B L U E chew.com promo code Tuesdays to try it free. You won't go back. You're never going to go back to your normal wiener. You need the blue chew blue chew.com. Finally, a website that can give you an Erikshione. Well done. Well said. Here, here, queer beer. By the way, I'm still worried about the car. My, my thing went off. We talked about it last week. The malfunction came on and all went down to just a little, the malfunction light indicator and it's on and then it went off. So I went, Hey, nothing to worry about anymore. The light is gone, whatever. I pick up my car. Now what kills me is the parking garage people, they start the car every time. Yeah. They're the

ones to turn it off and turn it on. Right. And I don't turn anything on. No, that's what I've heard. And so I get in the car yesterday. It's all back on again. The yellow exclamation point, the, the, the battery thing light. I start driving and I stop at a red light and I turn it off and then back on again. The warning stuff is off, but that little yellow indicator light is still on. Interesting. I looked it up. I talked about some people have reached out to me. One guy was like, get that thing out of the garage. He's like, I used to work in a garage. We beat the fuck out of these cars. Fuck you. We hate you. And so I'm like, I don't know what to do, but there's people parked in garages all over the city. You think they'd be getting sued and shit. Yes. Yes, sued.

But so now it's the little indicator and I looked it up and it says that it's probably just, it's all computerized. It could just be one little, little haywire thing that's saying, hey, we, we got a little, whatever. And it said, don't, don't have it towed to there, but go, go to the dealership and have it checked out. Okay. But here's my thing. My dealership is 85 minutes away out in Long Island. So if I go out there and they're like, we need this for three days, but someone told me last night, Jay nog, another Tuesday gave me a hot tip. They'll give you a rental car. That's right. So I think I got to go out there Thursday or something and, and take it over there and go, you gave me a fucking lemon, you cunts. Man, sometimes the rental could

be nicer than the car though. This is, this is a very, uh, what's a promiscuous relationship. You got your car, you're bringing in, they give you another car to fuck up. Then you fuck that car up, you bring it back, you get your car, then that fucks up, you go get another car. It's a lot of, uh, dipping in the ink here. It never ends. It's, uh, incestuous. Maybe, but, uh, so I don't know. One guy was like, the rats could be chewing on your thing and, but just reassure me, everybody that my car is not dying. It's probably computer error and cause it's not blinking. It's not red. It's just there. The car sounds fine other than those clicks, but it sounds okay. It's driving okay, but I didn't know this. I was with Louis this weekend, his Porsche that I was driving around.

If you remember, I was cruising around in the Porsche. That car cost $97,000. Big mistake. I'm so fucking cuckoo with cars. I thought it was like 60 grand. No, that car, they, they, they, they lose value in like 10 minutes too. I've looked online about those. They're like 20 grand to buy used. I didn't know. Well, so I'm in the car. I got a bunch of stories about it, but I was in the car with Dan Natterman, fantastic comedian. Did you know this about Dan Natterman? I'm about to blow your mind. I'm going to give you two Natterman facts. I'd like to know how he pays his rent, to be honest. If you don't know Dan Natterman, go listen to his album. One of the best joke writers ever, I think. Yeah. His Letterman is bananas. He's, he's a killer.

Two crazy facts. One, he has a law degree, went to U Penn and then some other school. He's an Ivy League law degree guy. I object. Get ready for this. You're going to shit your pants. You're going to take your pants off. I'm already shitting. Shit my mouth. I'm going to chew it and blow a bubble. You're going to jump out the window. Two guys, one cup. Dan Natterman is gay, a pilot. He's a pilot. Come on. The pilot's not in the audience. Can you picture him with a scarf and a leather jacket and is, you know, just, no, no. Who is he? The red Baron? I don't buy it. He's the pilot. He's the red Baron, I guess. I mean, he's Baron Berg. I mean, this guy, he's got his flight license or whatever the fuck.

He used to fly around town. I mean, he said he flew up to wherever and wherever. You just rent a CESPA or whatever it's called. Single engine Cessna. Yeah. Johannes Cesspedes or whatever the fuck. And he would fly in an airplane. Wow. I don't, I don't, I got to see it to believe it. He couldn't even turn on my pilot light. I mean, he's a pilot. He's a lawyer. He's an amazing comedian. Who is this guy? He's like Bond. Fascinating fella. Wow. But, and always nice to talk to you. He's smart as a whip, but he did do one thing that, that bugged me. Jewish? We're in the car. We're talking. We're driving down, talking about the Porsche. She's asking Louis about the Porsche and he says, oh, this car, I go, I thought this,

what does this car cost? Like $60,000. And he's like, no, $97,000. And I'm like, what? And then Natalie goes, well, what'd you think it cost? I was like, $60,000. That's what I said. Isn't that annoying? That's very annoying, but not annoying, but he's going to hear this, I'm sure, but not annoying, but you're like, I said what I thought it cost. Yeah, we've covered that. It's like when people go, you go, what's the name of that? What's the capital of New Jersey? You don't know the capital of New Jersey? No, I just asked the question. That's why you ask questions. You don't know. And I think I've talked about this before. I know I say that a lot, but then they tell you and you're like, if you just tell me, I'll know it. We'll have the same information.

You're shaming me for something that I would know if you told me. They liked it. They enjoy it. They get a little, they get a little power in that moment. But here's how my math work. And this is how little I know about cars is that I was like, I got a 2018 Nissan Sentra that cost me $20,000. You got a 2012 Porsche. That's six years earlier. And you know, inflation, you bought it eight years ago. This is three times better than my car, $60,000. Yeah. But it's five times better than my car. And I got to tell you, I've driven both cars. I don't see that much difference. Now, I like yours. Remember, they had that some week pickup on that thing and they don't sustain your sustains. It goes the distance. Sure, it's not flashy and it's kind of boxy and all that,

but it's going to live a long life. Maybe. I mean, I got 17,000 miles on it, three of which I put on and it's got a fucking crazy yellow battery lights that might shit the bed before the end of the podcast. But jeez. Well, I do know guys who have driven on a fucking Humpty Hoopty all for 20 years with a with 18 lights on. That's true. Yeah. I got it. It's kind of like, you know, the doctor, you're like, you got high blood pressure and you're like, I'll figure that out later. You're going to eat some hot dogs. But yes. But anyways, great weekend. I mean, Natterman is such an amazing comic killer. I mean, he's the kind of comic I love, you know, just straight jokes, killer jokes, so funny. Yeah. And we had a variety of co-openers. I did this whole weekend at Stress Factory.

Now, Wednesday, I couldn't do it because I had another gig. That's a whole other bag of tits. But so I sent him Vita. I was like, you know, you got to get Gary Vita. This guy's the nicest guy in the world. Hilarious. He had a dog walking business that made 900 grand. It went away and Louie's a good guy and he's a trusting guy. So he said, okay, get him on the show. So he had a great time. Oh, good. But Thursday, we got a gap. We got nobody. Big gap Thursdays. So he says, who should we get? You guys got to do 10 minutes. I don't have a big budget. Give me someone who's someone young and new and hungry. You're not going to say his name, are you? Whose name? The guy you got. Of course I'm going to say his name. I'm going to say his name. What do you mean? Well,

I didn't know if you wanted out there. Oh yeah. He did a great job. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I didn't know we were going to trash the act. No, I love the act. I didn't know. I love this guy. Do you know who the guy is? I think I know the guy we talked about. Yes. This guy's a first class guy. Sweet kid. Sweet guy. Sweet kid. Muslim. Oh, geez. You can't say that. Why? That's a religion. I'm teasing. You can say that. He's a muzz. Big muzz. Crazy muzz. One of those nutty ones. Yeah, big muzz, turban, beard, you know, can't let a woman drive the whole thing. Extremist, I would say. That's the one. Terrorism? Oh, this is bad. This is all bad. No. So he, Louis says, get someone who's going to really appreciate it. Someone that will be hungry and excited. So I hit up my friend,

Shafi Hossein, who I just love the hell out of this guy. He's a nice kid. He's a young whippersnail. I don't even know how young he is. I work with him back in Albany back in regular times. Yes. And he gave me a lot of info about reflux. I mean, this guy is smart. Interesting. He's no pilot. He's not a pilot. I hope not. You don't want that guy around a building. All right. He's a sweet guy, good guy, and this guy's hungry. He's the kind of guy I'm like, this is the kind of guy Louis likes, the kind of guy we like. He's all over town. He's got nine shows around town. Nine shows. One's in an apartment, penthouse. Did it last night? Put it on last night and I slept in it. So anyway, so I say this guy and Louis is like,

well, what's this? Is he this? Is he that? I'm like, just you just trust me on this one. We're getting this guy. So I get my friend Shafi Hossein. Now I hit him up and it's exciting because you have this gift to give. I'm like, I'm going to text this guy. You want to open for Louis? He's going to shit his pants. It's going to be a big fucking pants shitting. Yes. And ironically, he texted me about something else, some other gig. He's like, hey, do you want to do this gig? I go, sure, I'll do that gig. How would you like to do this gig? Oh, isn't that a fun moment? You get to present that big matzo ball. Well, it feels good to give something. It feels good to give, folks. So he writes back. He goes, man, I would love to be honored, but

I got a gig. I can't do it. Cancel the gig, dickless. I go, fuck. And I go, what's the gig? And he goes, I mean, I'm opening for San Maril, of course, one of our closest friends. Sure. And one of the great comics in the world. So I said, I got this YouTube. Yes. So I said, ah, shit. Okay. Well, what can you do? So I text Louie. I go, ah, the guy can't do it. Should I grab someone else? And then in the meantime, he goes, he texts back. He goes, hold on. I just looked it up. It's 17 minutes away. Louie shows 730. His show is 830. Oh, I like it. I like it. He goes, I'll do both. So I text Sam. I'm texting with Sam. Ironically, I was texting all these people anyways, unrelated to each other. And so I sex Sam. I go, hey, you

got Shafi opening for you tomorrow night. That's too bad because I was trying to get him to open for Louie. And Sam goes, oh geez, well, I understand if he wants to cancel. So I text Shafi. Hey, Sam said, you know, you could cancel on him if you want the opportunity to work for Louie. Meanwhile, Shafi, he's texting Sam and he's going, hey, would you mind if we doubled up? Right. So Wow, this kid's a gung ho. So Shafi texts Sam and then Shafi takes me back. He goes, I'm in. I'm down. He goes, Sam shows 830, 17 minutes away. We'll get Sam. I'm going to pick up Sam early, drive to your gig. And so now this is where I'm getting older. I don't know if it's the meditation or whatever it is. I got emotional because I texted Sam because Sam doesn't have

to say yes. Now a lot of people and I would have to think about it. If I'm headlining a show at 830 and you're opening for me, give me a ride and you call and go, Hey, could we leave an hour and a half earlier? Right? So I can stop at this other gig. I think a lot of people would go, no, I don't give a fuck about your gig. Right. Well, I don't want to leave the city an hour earlier. Right. But Sam Morill is a first class guy and he knows what it's like to be a young opener. He knows how much it means to work with Louie. So Sam says, no problem. I'll change all my plans. I love it. And I text Sam and I go, you're your first class for doing that. Yes. That's a nice thing to do. And Sam writes back, come on, man, it's Louie. He gets it. He's a real comic.

And I tell you, I don't know what hit me, but I got that watery sprinkly feeling in my eyes because you know what it reminded me of? And I'm a big hockey guy, of course. The goalie loses his stick. It slides away. Yeah. The defenseman hands the goalie his stick. And then a forward comes down and gives the defenseman his stick. Oh, I love it. And the forward says, I'll make do without a stick. You need a stick. And then he goes, you need a stick. That's what it felt like. Sam goes, well, we'll leave early. We'll go to the stress factory. Yada, yada. So then I text back Louie. I go, never mind. He can do it. And Louie, you know, he's a big star. You go, what is this? This is confusing. What are you talking about? How are you going to do both? And I said,

don't worry about it. You son of a bitch. Just shut your mouth. Yes. By the way, you got to get a finder's fee. You're spending 17 plates. Oh, I charge Shafi 300 bucks. But so we all go down there and Louie and we go down and of course Sam and Shafi are already there. And it's great to see Sam randomly just at a show. I don't expect to see a guy like that. I haven't seen the guy in 10 years. Yeah. He's masked up and put away wet. Is that the term? Road hard, put away gay. That's what it is. I'm hard. So I see him. And now we got a hang going. Stress factories packed, sold out, out to a tent. I mean, that's quite a setup over there. Best setup in the country. And Shafi goes up and does very well. He's great. Does a great job.

Sam and I are in the back laughing. Louie's looking at his notes, whatever. And I think he gave Shafi a few notes, which is always exciting and nerve wracking. And Shafi set it up. And then I got the biggest laugh of my life because Shafi, you know, does his bits and then we had to change out the mics and the mic stand. And I said, this has nothing to do with COVID. I just hate Muslims and Jersey. Just they went crazy. I mean, crazy. I couldn't follow it. Yeah. No, your crowd. But Shafi did a great job. I think he's a Tuesday as well. Comics listening to the show means so much to me. That's about it. Great. Great job, Shafi. Sam's a good man. And good egg. We got a good crew. Great crew. Check out Dan Natterman. Check out Shafi Hossain. You know about Sam,

but whatever. See him also again. And he's got something cooking. Just keep an eye out. That's all I'll say. Okay. Okay. I don't know how much I can give away, but just keep an eye on old Sammy Marilli. So I got more from the weekend, but I got a pass because I got reflux and my throat hurts. Oh, geez. All right. Well, I've heard that before from a man, but I want to say this. We talked with the, Hey, man, it's Louis. Like I love that moment. I love that reverence. I love that Sam gets it. I love that he knows what that means to Shaf. I talked to fat Chris Al. He opened for David Tell last night or two nights ago, and he just texted me freaking out. And you know, party is like, all right, I've gotten 30 texts about this. I get it, whatever. But then I'm like,

wait a minute, this is great. It's nice to see a comic shitting blood over, over opening, over a gig they got. Remember how like, cause he lives in, you know, bum, fuck, charlots, dick. He doesn't know anything, you know, about what's going on in the city. And then you get, are you getting a tell gig? Right. I mean, that is life changing or at least weekend changing. And it's so exciting. A guy you look up to, a guy you respect, a guy you actually enjoy watching, and you know, you're going to make some cash and some, some scratch and maybe get a video or maybe a photo with the guy. And it was so cool watching a guy geek out on another guy. I feel like that's kind of going away. There's no reverence anymore. Yeah. Well, I remember August 27th, 2004. That's when I opened

for a tell at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom. And I remember calling Tom Dustin and being like, you sitting down and he's like, yeah. And I'm like, I'm opening for David Tell. And it was like during insomnia and I was like, this is not like jumping off the walls. I know. I remember even Tom Papa was like, Hey, can I, you want to, well, it was new. And he's like, you want to you get, you want to go to Jersey with me? I was like, he's like, all right, great. I'll call you tomorrow early in the morning and just be ready. And I set my alarm for like six 30. Cause I didn't, he called me like a, you know, 10 30, but I was just ready. And then he texts me. I was like, I'm in and you know, I had to meet the guy. You get there four hours early, you shave,

you clean your asshole, you know, you go, you go all in. But just those little things was so exciting. I'm open for Greg Barrett once. I don't even know. I think he killed himself, but it was exciting. This is the guy from, uh, she thought that into you or whatever the hell it is. Yeah. All those guys, the comedy connection, Adam Ferrara, Dom I rara, all those guys, I remember getting that thing and you hang up and you're like, Oh my God, back in the day, you hung up. Yeah. You get an email or whatever. Right. But I remember DiPallo hit me on my space with a bunch of dates and being like, this is insane. I know. I know. Now everybody's like, the old guard sucks. Fuck you. White man or try whatever it is. You're like, all right,

but can't we have a little bit of a joy? Like I feel like now Adam Sandler could call a young guy and he'd be like, ah, blow me. I hated, uh, Jack and Jill. And they're like, he's like, Oh geez. All right. Sorry. I don't know. I feel like there's no, um, no, uh, what's the word? Like I saw, I watched a video last night. Bill Burr did Jay Leno's car show. Okay. And you know, Bill Burr is obviously huge, great comic, just an SNL. We got to talk about that monologue at some point. And, uh, he's like kind of kissing Leno's ass. And at first you're like, Whoa, this guy's kissing. Oh yeah. Leno's huge. Leno's in the seventies. Right. So yeah, that's fun to see. Yeah. I think it's important and it's exciting, but it was, it was really fun and exciting to,

to live it. Yes. Yes. And, uh, are you watching the comedy store doc? No, I keep hearing about it, but I haven't been able to see it yet. It's just so fun. It's like none of the scandal, shit, none of all that is just fun, loving comedy history. I think I got to get showtime to watch it. I got everything. I got Hulu, Amazon, fucking, uh, you know, HBO, Max. You got to get my thing. It's illegal. I know. I heard about your thing. I got the offer for your thing, but it's a little spooky. It scares me. I got criterion. That's another thing. That's where I got this. Oh, nice. By the way, clever ad campaign. Speaking of which, we got to read our other ad, but I got criterion channel. They send you an email and they go, Hey, 10 bucks off your next

purchase. I wasn't even thinking about making a purchase, but then you get 10 bucks off. So you go, I'll go make a purchase. They got a shirt store. I bought a shirt. That's a good looking tea. It's not bad. It's quite toasty, frankly. I do love a long sleeve tea, but that's a good trick. Hey, 10 bucks off. Next time you buy my album, they go, Well, geez, I better take that. Right. Right. I mean, if I fall for it every time, Hey, two for the price of one hooker. All right. Tuesday, the stories is brought to you by talk space. Who doesn't need a good shrink at the moment and you don't have to go anywhere when money's tight investing in yourself may not be top, may not be top of mind, but mental health is a necessity, not a luxury. And guess what? Taking

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That's Tuesdays and Talkspace.com. Here, here. Yeah, there, there. I mean, that's, you got to do it. Why, why not improve your life? Yeah. Try it once, knock it out, then you'll be hooked. It's very beneficial. All right. What else? What else is shaking there? Stick some things in my ass. Well, speaking of stick, how about a stick shift? We got a lot to cover on the old beamer. Oh boy. Now, I'm so excited about this because it was, I don't want to say teased. I mean, you said you got it, but you did not, it was not in your possession last we talked. Well, I had a trailer tractor, whatever you call it. You know, those, those big things with like eight cars on it. Oh yeah. You know, one of those things, the whole Stephen Wright joke. Yeah,

I got into one of those cars. The guy was carrying eight cars. He went too fast. We all got speed tickets. All right. So they pull up to the house. First, it was a whole kerfuffle because the guy goes, all right, we're coming on Tuesday. And I said, all right, great. Love you on Tuesday, but we're shooting the ferry on Tuesday. So I said, anytime other than four to six, I'll be here. They said, oh, you got it. You got it. Noon, one, two. I call like four times. She goes, it's going to be fine, sir. They hate me at this point. It's the same lady. Babs is answering. Babs again. Cramer. Cosmo. So finally I get a call. It's the trucker. You can just hear the hey man, this is Larry. I'm going to be there at 430. Guys, at any time between four to six,

I'm free all day, all night. And he's like, all right, well, what do you want me to do? I was like, bring it tomorrow then you piece of garbage. So they bring it tomorrow. He goes, hey, I'm outside. I run down. It was like Christmas. I got slippers on. I got a dress lampshade on my head. I run down there. It's this big Greek guy right down there. I got the lady. She comes down with me. He goes, he just pulling it off the wrecker and it's just down there. It's so cute. It's so shiny. It looks great. I can't believe it's here. And he goes, that's a great car. My dad had one of those. You're going to love it. And I was like, oh my God. And I hugged the guy and I gave him a 20. I don't know if you're supposed to do that. I get in the car. I cannot believe it's mine.

It's so real now. The whole thing, I get the whole mail order bride thing. It's got to be so fun to talk to her online for six years and see her in the flesh and get to touch her labia. So I'm inside the car. I cranked the window. He started it up for me. And he goes, all right, enjoy it. I go, oh my God. So I go, you want to go for a spin? The lady goes, hell yeah. She jumps in and I couldn't start it. Like I couldn't get it going. And the guy in the truck's like, what's going on? I had to walk back very emasculating. And I go, I can't get the e-brake down. It just wouldn't go down. Oh boy. And so it's just running with the e-brake on and neutral. The e-brake is like a woman. Won't go down. Same with my dick. But so he goes, all right, I'll take a look. He walks back over and

he just goes, you got to pull it up first, then down. Ah, the up then down. Yeah. I was hitting the button just going down. No dice. Up, down. So now I feel like a bitch. But I pop it in the first and I ease off and he goes, okay, he knows how to drive stick even though I learned the day before. And that was terrifying. Then we just drive around the West Village. It was fucking beautiful. I get a lot of like, oh, that's nice. Whoa, that's a beauty. You know, all that shit. Drive around the village putting along, trying to get the second figured out. Went in a reverse on accident, mid stride. The gears went, I was like, oh, sorry. And yeah, I stalled it once or twice. But it was a beautiful moment. I felt like a 15 year old. I couldn't believe I owned this thing.

And so we drove around. We got lunch. We got back in the car. I took her home. And then I go, all right, well, I got a gig tonight in Baltimore. So I got to go park this thing somewhere. So I go to a garage and the guy goes, wow, he's this old Nigerian guy goes, wow, that's a beauty. But you got no plates. You can't put a car in the garage with no plates because you could just steal a car and be like, can you house this? Oh, good point. Never thought about a plate or anything. I have no insurance. I got no registrar. I got nothing. So I was like, buddy, my dad died. I got to get this in here. It's a whole thing. I don't know what to do. I act like somebody gave me a kid and I need help. And he's like, all right, fine. And I go,

I'll get it tomorrow at 10 a.m. He goes, be here by 10, 10 a.m. No later. No plate. I could lose job. I go, okay, sorry. So I go do the Baltimore gig. We did two shows in Baltimore, Fat Chris Allen, Umar Khan, the whole thing. We had a great time. Take the train back. I'm so excited to get back at 2 a.m. I set my alarm for nine. Wake up at nine, haul ass over to the Nigerian guy. He goes, I didn't think you were coming. And jump in the car and to get out of the thing is like a huge ramp up. Oh, that's scary. Huge. So I go, all right, back at it. And everything in your fiber, is it being or bean? I think it's being. Fiber of your bean. No, it's definitely not bean. That's no good. Well, what the hell's the fiber? The fiber. That's two foods. Of your being. Well, fiber's not a

food. It's like a thing that makes up a thing. It creates a thing. It bonds. But you know, he's here. I need some fiber. Yeah. The fiber is contained within the food. The fiber is a connective material that expands and turns into shit. So fiber of the being is like the shit of yourself. Oh, that's big, Confucius. All right. So, you know, because you don't want to get in it. You just want to like own it and play with it and show everybody and show it off. But like, getting in that thing, people are watching you. I mean, it's on, baby. So I go, all right, suck it up, dickless. Put your balls back in your skirt. I put it in the first gear and I just ease towards that ramp. You know, it's 10 in the morning. I got crust in my eye. I got jizz in my lips. And I go,

and it just won't go up. And I go, and this is like rush hour. So everybody's in and out of there. There's all these, you know, guys running around and it just rolls back down. And I can see the Nigerian guy going, oh, oh. And he goes, you got to move. I got cars coming in. I was like, all right, all right. Back up. And I'm running that engine. He says, wow, wow, wow, wow. And I don't want to break the fucking thing. It's 57 years old. So he goes, get out, get out, get out. Let me show you. And he goes up the hill and he goes, you see, you see, and he goes, but you have to do it. And I go, ah. So what did he do? He pulled it back down again. He let it roll out. You popped that bitch. He pulled it back down. He goes, you got to do it. You got to learn. I was

like, where were you when I was eight? I know. What is it? Your dad? I know. He's my black dad. So I get in it and I go, why? And I come back down to get it. I'm sweating. I feel horrible. I'm embarrassed. The whole thing. You're like sycophous. I'm just, I got syphilis. So I go, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm going, I'm putting it in gear. And he looks and he goes, you're in third, dickless. And I go, ah, man. Third, what do you need to be in first? It's always got to be first. First gets it cooking. So why, how are you in third then? Because it's, it's, it's 1973. So you got to just know. I mean, there's no gear. There's no dash with a, with a thing on it or a, you know, a marker or anything. You just got to feel it. Ah, so you felt it wrong. Felt it wrong. I was in

the ass. I should have been in the pink. Okay. So I got in the first, pulled it out of there, felt like a champ. And it was good. I learned my lesson. I had to learn it the hard way. And he goes, so I'm in the rear view. And I said, thank you, dick. Let's give him a 20 as well. Oh, Jesus. I know I'm a draining money. I'm hemorrhaging. I pulled that thing out. I just drive around. I literally drove around the city for four hours. I went up town. I went to the park. I went downtown. I went to battery park, whatever that is. I went to Columbus circle. It was beautiful. I'm just, woo. Hey, Craver. Yeah. You know, the whole thing was on the back of that. You have hook and ladder. Now are you worried about it breaking down or stopping or whatever?

Because I mean, I drive, my car is fresh off the lot. It's two years old, but whatever, the whole time I'm panicking that I'm going to get stuck, the tunnel, the hills, the things, the hills have eyes. I'm scared shitless. Yeah. And you got a fucking, this thing came out with the sting. I mean, it's old. It's old. It's beaten up. It's been sitting in back. It's got bird shit on it. It shakes and it quefs the whole thing. But here's the weird thing about old cars. They go, you got to drive it, man. Those things, you got to drive them. You got to drive them. Then they go, don't put any miles on it. What the fuck am I supposed to do here? So I'm just driving the city. Hey, having a good time at Tuesday. The Tuesdays see it. It's like a beacon. Wow. So

having a nice time. And now I have to get it in a garage because I'm going to be gone for a lot of November. I got to figure out what I'm going to do. And I keep hearing your horror stories about garage with the clinks and the exclamations. This thing, by the way, it needs electrical work. The headlights don't work. And the gauges just go, whoo, whoo, whoo. The needles look like, you know, Michael J. Fox. They're just up and down, wiggling all over the place. I don't know if I got full gas. I got a half a tank. I got the, the speedometers just going, brutal. I hate to say, but I think you got to go to one of these celebrity super garages on the left side. One of those 900 bucks a month. They take, you know, fucking whoever's car. I can't even think of a celebrity

that lives in New York. Woody Allen. He doesn't have a car. Who's a guy that lives here? Matthew Broderick. Yeah. You got to get the guy that takes care of Broderick's car because I'm out in Queens. I got three teenagers that play fucking, pick a basketball beforehand and they're grinding my gears. You got to get like a guy with like a Russian accent and a, you know, a comb over that has like the jumpsuit thing. Yes. I need a jumpsuit with little grease stain right here. And he's holding a wrench, but here's the queef. I'll tell you, you get, I got on West side highway with that thing. I was like, cars going by like, what are you doing? Cause I couldn't get it going fast enough. I'm learning. I'm learning. But after a while, it's so fun. It's like a video game.

Once you start getting good at it, you don't want to get out of the car, but it made me realize it's amazing that in the 60s, 50s, 70s, 80s, everyone did this. Right. Every man, woman, teenager was on the highway, merging on hills, fucking stop sign, go, stop, go traffic, shifting, clutching, reshift, downshift, up, I mean, what a world that must have been when people had like, you fuck it up. It's your problem. You got to fix it. You got to get in the right gear. You got to make it work. We don't have that anymore. Well, also there was no phone. So they were concentrating on that now. I mean, I'm driving. I got one knee on the wheel. I mean, I'm looking at Instagram. I'm watching YouTube and you know, it's, it's a lot more dangerous, but then the cars

are safer. So there's good and bad, I guess. But my uncle was saying that to me when I first started driving, you know, 20 years ago or whatever. And he was like, you have no idea what an automatic car, how insane it is. It's like, there's so much work happening that you have nothing to even worry about or think about. Yeah. I mean, it's no wonder people are driving with their knees. They got a coffee. They got the dick out. They got playing with the radio. Check in the mirror. You know, I'm like this. Right. I mean, you're so dialed in. It's crazy. Like you forget. I got off, I got off the highway and I looked at my phone. I had like 30 messages because I was just like, right in the zone. So where's the car? Is it on the sidewalk with the bike? No, I parked on the

sidewalk for a one day and I got like so many people like, what year? How can I, can I take a photo with it? Can I sit on it? Can I look at it? Can I, can I sit in the, you know, touch the wheel? I'm like, get out of here. It was too much. So I called all, I googled NYC West Village Garage and I just let it a whole list pop up and I called everyone. Hey, I got a, I got an old car. Can I park it in there? Yeah, bring it in. What's the plate? No plate. Click. Hey, bring it in. What's the plate? No plate. Click. So one guy, I'm getting desperate. Now I got to get crafty. One guy, he's not like a nice guy, normal guy. It wasn't like a crazy accent or anything. And he goes, Hey, what's up? When I go, Hey man, I got an old car.

Can I park it in your, in your garage? And he goes, Oh, what kind of car is it? I go, Oh, well, it doesn't have any plates. And he goes, Ah, shit. Well, what is it? I'm just curious. And I go, it's a 1973 2002 BMW. He goes, Oh, I love that car. Fuck it. Bring it in. Wow. So just the basis on the, on the, he knew the car so well that just on the fact that of what it was, he's like, bring it in. I brought it. And he's like, Oh man, I love these. My dad had one and it just worked out. And he's like, I'm going to put it up in the crow's nest. I don't want anybody to see it. And, uh, let me know when you're coming by. I need like 30 minutes to get it out of there because I'm going to put it way up. Sure. And, uh, yeah. So we got it in, it worked out. And then

I went to Mohegan's son for some gigs at a great weekend. But, uh, it's been a, it's, it feels good just storing it. So what's the plan? Are you, are you, are you, are wheels in motion? Yes. Are you getting the plates and the thing? And you can get antique plates. Can't you? Oh, I'm going vanity, baby. I mean, what's antique now? Cause classic is 25 years. Yeah. So what's antique status? Antique. Can you get antique status on that? I think so. Yeah. I think it's antique. Cause you might be able to get the special, specialty antique plates and, but when I was a young whippersnapper, you could only drive those on an emergency or on Sunday or something, but that's probably changed. Those are like blue law bullshit. Yeah. Now I see a little,

some little old cars tooling around the city. They're like 60s, 50s, 60s. I imagine that was one of those rules way back then that's changed because it was on Sunday. It was exciting because you'd see all these like, you know, that's fun stuff. Oh my God. What? What? Oh geez. All right. We'll wrap it up. But yeah. So I got the, I called Geico yesterday. I got insurance. Then they're mailing me all the paperwork. I'm going to take that to the DMV and just get raped up the pooper and take it. But I'm either going out to lunch, which is fun on a car. Cause you're like, oh, baby is going out to lunch. Right. Also that and the special, but I might just go comedy. That's not bad. So we'll see what's available. That might not be available. I know Bill Blumenreich,

who owned the comedy cushion. That was his license plate, but that was Massachusetts. That's a different state. And I might go exclamation if I can. Can you get exclamation on a car? Yeah, probably not. I don't think so. Yeah. All right. Cause if that's the case, you could go like at Amber Sands hashtag and have it just be fucked. Yeah. Just N, N, I, Amber Sands or exclamation, ER. Oh boy. But yeah, you get it. So it's in a garage. The Tuesday has been so helpful, so nice. One guy was like, you put a picture of your keys up, you fucking retard. Take that down. You can cut a key off of a photo. I was like, oh gee. What? Oh yeah. He's crazy. He's crazy, but the world's gone mad. It's a mad scientist. So one guy goes, Hey, I'm a mechanic. I live

in New Jersey. I own a shop. It's a classic car shop. I will charge you barely anything to store it here like in the winter and we'll work on it while it's stored. Wow. Sold. So that's the guy I'm using. I think it's called Empower Automotive in Belvedere, New Jersey. Empower. Yeah. Like a lady. She's empowered. That's exciting. So what is the idea with the car? What's your dream vision? Cause I picture the Merritt Parkway on a Saturday in Connecticut. It's beautiful because you can't be taking this thing around the spots and shit. No, it's too, it's too stop and go-y. You know, it needs to just ride, baby. It needs to just fart it out in the wind. But the Palisades in Jersey, you take that across the bridge and cruise with the wind and the hair and the whole thing.

I mean, that sounds like something. Did you fart, by the way? Lay earlier. Okay. I'm getting it now. I think it's lingering, but so that's the dream is, okay, the car's in decent shape, but it's got some problems. Obviously the speedometer, the lights, that's all shit. It's got some rips and some wraps and some queves and some blemishes. So I'm going to get all that taken care of and just sit on it. Just keep sitting on it, fix it, new carburetor, new suspension, just over time and then when it's all good and ready, maybe in a year, maybe in six months, I'm going to bring it into the city, get a parking spot and then do the Palisades stuff on the weekends. That sounds nice. I mean, that's a nice project. It's a nice thing, but that's where you really wish you had a home

with a driveway. You take it out of the garage and it's Saturday and you go, hey, Mike, you know, your neighbors come by and you have a beer and the whole thing. I'd love to get you in there. We do a queef. We go up to Harlem and have a cheesesteak and come down and blow each other in the park. I mean, that would be the dream too, but give it some time. I mean, I'm dying to get in this thing and does it have a seatbelt? Is it one of those ones that's up here? You got to untie it and plug it in? It's pretty primitive. It's all whoop. It's like a hook. It looks like you're tying up a horse. Because my uncle and cousin both had 66 and 67 chargers and the seatbelt was literally up here. Like you had to fold it up and stick it up there and then you like unfold

and pull it down. There was no like pullback. When you pull it down, it pulls it up. There's no automation. You had to fucking fold it like a flag of a kid that just died. Right. Right. Well, don't let the flag touch the ground and God hates flags, but yeah, this thing, I mean, it's so primitive. You get in there. You're like, where is everything? You know, the one thing you pulled out. It looks like a little hook. You pulled out. It's an ashtray. Oh, I remember those. So like it is old school, baby. And it's got an AM FM radio. I'm going, do you believe in love? We got one. You know, and then the dials don't work. So I don't know if my oil's through the roof. I don't know if I'm burning gas. I don't know if I'm gay or bi or what, but even the mirrors on the side

just go, I mean, that's it. Right. It's so primitive, but man, it feels good to drive and it's fun. And you're really feeling it. Like you're in control of the car. I remember driving an old car that I eventually wrecked, but it was one of those radios with the dial and you hit a bump or like a pothole and it would jump stations. It would be like, don't say nothing bad. Dr. Dre in the house or whatever the fuck. Right. Well, we got to wrap this up here, but I got a couple of dates I want to plug. I'm going back to Connecticut, all of Comedy's Connecticut, November 5th, 1955. I'm in Lyman. Oh, fuck. What's it called? Orchards. It's Comedy craft beer, Ryan Brock. Oh, great. Go to Lyman, Orchards, November 5th in Connecticut. I'm bringing

Sarah up there. And fuck, I got another date in Connecticut that I can't remember. Oh, I'm doing Millerville, Pennsylvania. Sam just did it. I heard it's great. It's like an hour west of Royersford and that's November 13th. So check that out. I'll post up all the details and everything, but I'm hoping people can make it. It's a door deal. No guarantee at all. Wow. So I'm scared, shitless. Sam said it was great. I'm doing, I think two shows, Millersville, Shafi Hosead, my pal, he's coming along. It's Friday, November 13th, Friday the 13th, spooky. So come out to that and the album is out. You can go stream the album. I hate myself. It's different than the special. Go watch the special. Leave a nice comment. Leave a good review on the album, five stars,

share it, all that shit. And you can check out Mindful Metal Jacket and join the Patreon for God's sake. Here, here. Yeah, a lot of good stuff. I just put up a half hour queef from Connecticut and we're trying to queef at least once a week and Stranger by the Lake is up there and Sopranos and live apps from who knows when, all kinds of old stuff, fun stuff. Yeah. So get on there. Three bucks a month. Yeah, can't beat it. Cheapest Patreon in the biz. Also, I'm at Souljoll's tomorrow, Royersford. We've sold a bunch of tickets, so it's already full, pretty full, but come on out and let's fill some more. I'm selling t-shirts. I got a new batch of merch comedy. I might even bring the beamer out there if you guys want to piss on it.

A lot of fun gigs. Cleveland Hilarity is coming up. A lot of stuff in Jersey City. It's all of my stories. I can't remember all the dates right now, but Greenville Comedy Zone and oh, oh God. Oh, New Orleans, some gigs. I'm going to go down for Thanksgiving. Bridgeport Stress Factory in Connecticut. It's all in Connecticut and Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo. That's if that opens, but yeah, a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff in the city. Special, anal, praise our law. Thanks a lot, folks. We'll see you next week. Georgia Saint, cut it. Comedy.