Tuesdays with Stories! - #373 Sick & Tire

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

We're back ladies and gents as Mark gets another bike cover snatched before getting a ride from a young fan while Joe has Sentra issues before getting lost on the way to a gig. Check it out! Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) & Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are the train is on the rails folks say Tuesdays with stories what's shaking fatty not much it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon here you know what it is right now that I love it's autumn it is all it's a real autumn

out here I mean I got yellow leaves up my ass there's orange leaves in my bed I mean it is beautiful it's crisp it's perfect I fucked a pumpkin last night turned into a witch what what do you go with autumn for you not a fall guy that's like the guy who says COVID instead of Corona no I know cuz autumn it's it's you know it's it sounds like something autumn and I picture the like the NFL guy in the autumn morning of you know whatever the fuck it sounds poetic it does it does autumn in New York sounds nice yes all is what happens to your grandma in the shower and then you get you don't see her again right or that Bobby Kelly bit the

leaves they fish caught fell because the leaves fell who all right that saved me from my grandma bomb that was worse than mine and that's in his act I was it was 20 years ago and I like the grandma thing I'm sure of it I'll take it I'll take grandma yes it's a funny thing like when I when you like if you stumble on the sidewalk you're like yeah you okay but if you're like Nana fell it's like oh no that's that's she could be dead a hip is gone she's in the hospital yeah we get to an age I got a friend his father like walked into a standpipe you know those things in the city that had you know it's like a almost like a fire hydrant yes

those little things with the tubes the double-headed pipe good to walk into it yes exactly or put your coffee down or whatever but he walked into one and it like changed his life like he was walking was like and his you know hip shattered into a thousand pieces and yeah you know he's in a fucking wheelchair now you get to an age where a pipe will ruin your life yeah he's laying pipe and that'll get you get you gotta you got to get off the pipe but my dad had a similar thing he has a vertigo I don't want to get too into Rick Norman here but he I was like how did he get it because the chemo the liquids in his

brain are all out of whack all it was he strained too hard helping a fat guy in a wheelchair get up some steps this is why you never help anyone no fatties I'm sorry you're done get get a rascal get electronic well pipe down pipe bomb I'm still thinking of pipe things but Roddy Piper half pipe pipe cleaner Mario brothers do do do do do but yeah yeah eatin eatin ghosts what was it what do they eat in fruit they ate a mushroom they fucked the ghost and then they they they raped a dog I can't remember what it was Koopa eating balls balls balls yeah that's this have you seen or heard

from Corey Jarvis I have not I assume he's in a Saigon blowing an Asian teen boy maybe move back to Japan there's a wonderful comedian that we love Corey Jarvis we used to see him all the time yeah and I I think about Tommy Comer to remember old Tommy Comer at the world the handsome Comer the first class guy that was just our world for a while then it just goes away and you never think about it again you just close that book and put on the shelf it's done yeah Aaron hey Sarah and I did a show in Central Park we thought we saw Aaron Haber this is where I'll talk we're talking about a club called the world

which is the worst name for a club ever and all these we used to be there like every night to be a whole cast of characters Tommy Comer the mania that was the young black comic I forget his real name he went by mania for a minute wow and he did an Adam Sandler impression yes yes he was a weird looking cat in a crazy face I remember but yeah I saw a lot of times he ran he was a big muscular guy well I guess he wasn't he was he was big muscle wise and one time he was doing a bit he really got into it he ran full speed and jumped into the wall and it like shook the foundation of the building and it was quite jarring

yeah Corey Jarring I mean it's commitment to the bit I guess great great times over there but Sarah and I did a gig recently in Central Park we thought we saw Aaron Haber who was the booker because it was a guy in a hat and we're like that's Aaron Haber he's back he's he's studying some talent and then while I was on stage I was like that's not him yeah yeah well he always dressed kooky he was like the I'm the producer guy so I run this shit I have a turquoise fedora and pink pants yeah it was something that was those were some days and then Barcelona bar would always be over there and that was that was something yeah

those are a wild time well all we cared about was how many shots can we have and give me that beer and jizz in my ass it was it was a different time but it's funny how like Aaron Haber back in those days I was like I got to get this gotta get this guy to respect me that's all I needed if I can get this guy to respect me and give me some sets I'm set for life and then you get his respect eventually you're like all right and then you're like well what's next so you just keep going it's funny though how important that was to me at the time yes hedonistic adaptation they call it you get used to something and then he

doesn't mean anything anymore this TV I remember like fucking coming to my wife's ass the day I brought this TV home I heard about that I did a backflip she blogged about it I did a backflip and kicked over the lamp like Lloyd Christmas yeah now you know three years later I'm just watching it like it's you know whatever like it's a tube I mean look at a child everybody takes photos of their kid oh my kid special he's retired he's autistic and then you know a month goes by and you go out of kids in the dumpster yeah kids take and my dick is small and I don't know what that's to do with anything but well well kids have a

small dick and so do you I guess as a comp there's a connection there yeah you don't want to connect dicks with a kid now that is that all right to do I mean if you just touch dicks that doesn't feel so bad I think it's I mean I got a I got a merit badge for that and cubs got must have been okay somehow the little patch with two dicks Dutch and good times oh Apache Indian that was a little intense well we're back market some card problems it's probably seamless they didn't even notice yes all good but anyways I prefer Grubhub we're back and whoa yeah little Rick that was sorry no that's all right Rick Flair he

stinks you think wow I've never heard anyone say that no I don't know I just thought it would be something to say everybody loves like a legend I'm not a wrestling kook but people love that flair I never got Rick flair because I was a I was only into wrestling for four years I was in there I was in from 88 to 92 maybe 93 probably so maybe five years and it was Rick flair came from the other play I was all WWF and then Rick flair came from this other shit and people were like oh my god he's here and he was just a crusty white guy with white hair his body wasn't great his thing wasn't great and it was kind of just fed to me this

guy was amazing so I was like alright I guess he's amazing yeah yeah I guess but I will say I don't get I mean we were in wrestling and into it in the same period I think the right period wrestling's like a period where once you hit 13 you got to get over it you know like a period starts at 13 that's when wrestling should end and his 30 for 30 though or whatever it was he's got a documentary it's amazing his backstory is unreal plus just the amount of booze and the gals and the partying and the coke and the blow and the money unreal yeah fascinating my issue with this 30 for 30 is the cartoons there's a new I think I've

probably talked about this there's a new trend in documentaries with a animate the the montage of heck the Kurt Cobain one was all cartoons and Rick flair had cartoon like get out of here with the cartoons I hate cartoons you don't like the anime I mean I they got a they got a paint a pick I know but just have I'd rather watch a guy tell a story I mean we're doing this there's no there's no cartoons I could use it I could use a tune what if you're like I just my wife's ass that we see a cartoon of that by the way is that the most recommended thing we've ever gotten by the way is 500 people you should do a cartoon what

if you animate it I'll animate it get this guy to animate it yeah we tried to pitch that and everybody said well you're a couple of honky nerds to get out of here and we said point taken yeah it's a little harsh but no I know you know I don't whatever doesn't matter but Rick flair yeah he was great evidently but at the time I was like I liked demolition and the ultimate war they're all face painted and had spikes and then Rick flair was just a guy he was kind of chubby his knee pads were on his shins it was just strange yeah and I remember when I was a kid he looks so old to me I thought he was like 98 plus the white

hair I was like this guy's gonna die soon yeah same I didn't get it but again I understand he's great he's like the Sopranos I understand he's great it's fantastic I just for me I was like I wanted fucking you know legion of doom yeah you know I like the silly I like million-dollar man and Shawn Michaels I want I like the goofy ones you know like like the undertaker to me was too serious he's like all in black he walks on the music's all dark I'm like I get out of here we're having a fun time don't ruin it with your gloom and doom I agree and he would he would walk on the top rope holding the guy's hand I'm like what

does that move and then early on he had purple also he was like unbeatable he was dead it's like sit up and you're like what why is that fun boo-hoo boring give me a give me a guy with a chair and yeah face paint and a nipple ring and a butt plug but the guy I hated the most though that was the really goofy Erwin R. Scheister IRS I've never heard was that a lawyer and then no he was the IRS oh and then see and then later the guy from demolition became repo man and he had like a little bandit thing and he would repossess your car but it was a wrestler ah that's a really bad what else are you gonna do collect my mortgage

get out of here keep it in the ring I mean it was silly that they were one step away from the hall monitor yes exactly exactly you better recycle I'm the recycler get out of here yeah yeah some people still I mean Soder and Michael Che and all these Mike Lawrence they still go to the smackdown yeah they love it I don't I don't not for me but God bless the people that you know sometimes I wish I was you ever want you ever have something you're like I wish I was into that that seems like fun story my anal I mean I wish I was more into like mumble wrap or all that shit or I was more into like Harry Potter I see the love

people love they read the books to this thick you know what's her face is a transphobe or whatever the hell I mean there's a lot of stuff going on what's her name again JK Rowling as JK I think she might be getting a bad rap if you agree I'm a fan but anyways what how about speaking of fans of things I'll just throw this out there real quick because it's on my mind it's fresh on my tits and so we talked about autumn it's fall yesterday I'm walking around I had yesterday we're recording on Sunday a full disclosure and yesterday was Saturday I had nothing and today Sunday I'm I got a busy day I got a bunch of

shit to do Friday was busy we had a great time we'll get into that yes Saturday I had the whole docket empty free full day and I watched the fights and then the world series so I walked around at like evening time there's just yellow leaves blowing everyone you know what it's like raining leaves and you run catch them like a retard I love it I always try to film it and never it's never justice no it's hard to get it all on film and that's one of the beautiful things about life yada yada yeah so I'm walking around it's crispy I call Vita I check in with Vita I call Derek my best pal and I was explaining how I'm like it feels

like World Series weather when we were boys and you'd walk around in the leaves and I remember cutting through my yard and there'd be the crunch crunch of the leaves my dad was drunk he didn't rake yet so I'm walking in the leaves and the intense when you're at when a boy the anticipation of the World Series I was oh my god it's an hour it's to it's gonna happen it's so exciting and then the twins and the Braves and the whole thing and so I was talking about it so that's problematic now oh sorry I got hit with an arrow I think I think I might have been problematic then but there's no Twitter yeah exactly those are the good

old days people will live it then but any just isn't that fun everyone was mad but you couldn't hear them yeah steam they couldn't get no platform better times those are the good old days we need less platforms yeah I hate a plat Oliver platform shoe subway platform so who reflects so I'm anticipating the game and then I watched again and Sarah's out doing spots or fucking guys I don't know what she does but I'm here watching the game and it unfolded one of the greatest games in the history of sport I'm texting Mike Whitman I'm texting Cantor I'm calling

Derek he doesn't answer I mean what a game ups and downs black was white fun was sad whatever yes shit was piss yeah that's exciting man I love that I love it all clean as a there's a nip in the air that the leaves are gay I love that you hear the crack of the bat the fake crowd goes wild it's it's Americana oh it was glorious and they got some people there they're doing it in Texas so there's people there they don't give a fuck yeah and I mean what a spectacular game and you know sometimes I struggle with and I think we all do a little bit being in the moment enjoying a thing when you're watching you start thinking I should be

doing my homework I should be you know calling my dad and apologizing to my parents whatever but I really sunk in there got in there enjoyed the hell out of the game and now it today's Tuesday if you listen this day comes out the World Series could end tonight it's game six and I'm so excited so much fun I hate to say it but I guess because the times are living and I didn't even know that was happening yeah well it's it's there and a lot of people aren't into it they can't get into it because the teams and the things and the whatever but I'm loving it it was a joyful evening that's great that's great there's

nothing better than that that's that's good times and how rare is it you get a free docket I love a free docket well these days here and there you get them because there's not as much going on true true but there's always a que for a pod or a web thing or a zoom I'm supposed to do or something they get you some way oh I gotta call your aunt I know just like that we're back in it where it's it's hard times not hard times but well whatever it's busy well I got a I got a bone to pick with the the city of New York oh boy count them five bike covers stolen we're on five now the last one got stolen another one stolen

stolen like the wind gone into the night like a ship I think you got to stop covering this thing just let it fly no more cover I'm taking the cover off the book I'm letting a coffee drip on it I'm jizzing on it it's it's it's all over I mean it's so weird because every day I check on the bike I park it legally like it's like a sucker and I check on it I you know you walk up to it you're like please be there please be there don't get stolen and then it's there but there's no cover so it's this weird bittersweet moment of like alright the bike is here it's almost like finding your kid but he's missing a tongue or something right

I guess the shoes are stolen that'd be a better analogy but yeah yeah so I just said fuck it now backtracking a little my bike got towed a couple weeks ago and they popped a tire when they towed it I don't I don't want to know how it's too painful but I said fuck this city fuck these kooks I'm getting my money back I had broke I dropped the bike one day and I broke the the brake handle just click fell off just cracked so I couldn't break on one side so I was only using one break so I lied at the DM or the impound I said hey you broke my break and then you know there's 18 people they're going oh shit alright here fill this out then

you got a mail that in they got a mail's the receipt will send you the money they don't make it easy so I go alright I got no cover I got one break I'm a douche I take it to Brooklyn to second stroke moped's the best bike shop in the city and I know the guy now he's a fan he's cool he's a Tuesday and I bring the bike in I go hey the things broken it goes oh we can fix that in 10 minutes bring it over I bring it over he goes oh actually don't have the part and I said well how about this can I leave the bike here and he said yeah no problem so the bike is safe at the shop the part is coming in the mail now I'm like alright winter is

coming it's freezing today it's 50 degrees out here this guy from three years ago Tuesday said hey I have a garage in Queens you can keep it in my house over the winter and I texted that guy he's still around we're meeting up next week put it in there case closed nice well here's what I think I think you had a nice run with this thing excite bike it was a good time you have some photos some memories some laughs this thing is like the DeLorean you gotta you gotta let a train hit this thing it's caused too much hardship you trade it in you get a couple hundred bucks and you buy yourself a nice sensible vehicle you

know a Camry fucking a Sentra if you will but I'll get into that you don't want a century I can tell you that right now well really oh boy I want to hear about what about the bucket of bolts I got sitting in the garage the Riviera blue oh too well that's that's a Sunday drive that's the Palisades you go out to the Berkshires you fuck your girl in it and you put some dice in it that's fun but you can't be hustling around and going across the country in that thing I mean you're gonna roll down a hill and die that's true that's true I could hit a crack and the whole thing it explode but I don't know the hog once it's in it's

based on putting my retarded kid in a boarding school for the winter and just forgetting about it and having a glass of wine and so once it's in that guy's garage thank you again sir big shout out I think I think I'll feel a lot better I think I think you'll change your tune because then when that when that spring hits and I'm whizzing down Broadway on two wheels I think you're gonna give me a high five I mean I like I'm not I'm not anti bike I like the bike but I mean it's the cover stolen your father hates you the thing it's impounded the neighbors they're reporting you and then you scooched by me one time on the street I

thought the fucking world was ending I mean I thought it was like a little one of the things you pedal and then you can glide for a few hundred feet sure this thing it sounds like my mother's got three dildos in her ass I think you're an anti-sem bike I mean I like the bike it seems like fun but it's it's quite noisy a lot of a lot of disturbances I think you get yourself a nice station wagon you you know you put your feet up you hang it up and you and you ease into retirement it would be nice to get on a vehicle and not worry about it you know the bike you're worried okay I got no break I get hit by a drunk uber and then

with the with the beamer it's like hey I could just break down on the middle of the fucking GW you know anything can happen yeah or keep the bike put it in the trunk of your other car your new sensible car yeah I've that somewhere then take the bike for a spin you know maybe whatever that's not bad I don't know if it's gonna fit the trunk but I hear you maybe I'll get a little trailer yes the trailer you got some trailer trash trailer park right right tractor trailer but the bike we'll figure it out I gotta give another shout out to a kid named Joe he's 19 I did a show at the tiny cupboard this is a week ago and I'm running

around all night doing these you know four sets at a night and I had to be at the stand and this kid goes hey I'm a big Tuesday I just want to meet you and I go oh great he tell I was a fluster and he goes you need a ride somewhere where you going I said I'm going to the stand I would love a ride got this kid's car we drove into the stand it was it was great then he drove me home later wow that away 19 year old Joe comic comic Jew from deep deep Brooklyn and just a skinny pep squeak of a kid great head of hair you know cute Jewish face and just loves the pod loves comedy and he's like can I pick your brain in the car I said sure

we drove there and it was a free ride we talked comedy well that away Joe enjoy it that's that's nice I mean those are those memories you know yes exactly and it's so weird because these kids now these younger teens they're so much more mature if I was 19 draw I'd be like oh I do it sir gonna blow you whatever I would I'd be drunk I'd be I have a bag of brown paper bag with a hooch in it like these kids is oh is that right when did you get started I see they're so put together they're poised oh interesting I wonder about that because you know I would think a lot of them or they can't even have a conversation because their

phones are on the phone and the whole thing maybe they're nervous maybe you got maybe you got a special one maybe maybe it's you know Jews and business maybe he read us book or something maybe that's that's part of it too he's a Jewish kid he's from Brooklyn so I think you grow up a little faster if you're a New Yorker maybe or maybe he's good at faking it too because I remember being 19 and everyone's saying you're wise beyond your years you really you got some good head on your shoulders but in my head I remember being like this done Gavin's talking to me it's crazy I'm speaking shots I got whiskey in my

asshole exactly but if he was feeling that he hit it pretty damn well yeah it's interesting I'd like to maybe you should bring him on for a quiff and get all that then he would shit himself that would be just a bloody diaper after that because remember you know Ian Philance when he did the live VU I mean he was shitting himself I think he still hasn't left his house since then yeah he was a goddamn durable yeah that guy's in a wheelchair by now he he had a couple problems I haven't heard from him in years he might there you go I think he's dead he's in a shallow grave somewhere in Golden State Park well we got some

sponsors let's let's tell him what the sponsors oh sure and then I got a story that correlates with with your story there so oh boy first first of all I want you guys to know this the Tuesdays with stories this week is brought to you reflux I need some reflux medicine and Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Raycon that's right buy some Raycons everybody the product is called earpa fuck oh boy there you got it all right ear buds folks you need some ear buds Raycon has some of the best earbuds in the world you know the best way to listen to this podcast using a pair of premium wireless earbuds especially if

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clink a clink a clump I got the clink under the thing I've gotten about 48 messages first of all I gotta say this I talked about an exclamation point I got 50 people and I have to remind myself they're trying to be helpful but I take things personally sometimes no 85 people saying it's the tire pressure I know the tire pressure gauge it has an exclamation point but it has a tire that's flat underneath it yes I'm not full idiot this is totally different maybe it's my fault for not describing it better this is a big yellow rectangle with a huge triangle exclamation point that says system malfunction oh that's bad is

that that's a broad sweeping now exactly not the tire gauge thank you for everybody helping some people gave me the hey you know it might be the tire gauge I appreciate that some people gave the dismissive that's just a tire yeah it's not the tire you should retire yeah I'm teasing I feel bad I got I got sick and tire flat tired ass but I do appreciate it I got a lot of feedback a lot of good stuff but you gotta I appreciate all the feedback but you gotta just go drop it somewhere because everyone's trying to diagnose without really looking or seeing although I appreciate it so I dropped the goddamn

thing off it says malfunction the check engine lights on and I'm already regretting my decision so I didn't put much thought into the Nissan I just had rented the Nissan Sentra and I said I like that car whenever I drive a Nissan I like it but wait a minute I'm renting for two days at a time oh hit me are you pulling back on the Sentra are you not a fan are you are you regretting well that's what I'm saying I got some regrets because first of all I bought the car I've put 3,000 miles on it in three months and I got a big exclamation point up my ass it's fucking yellow I got a check engine light I got a little crash

symbol I got a slippery road symbol it's drier than my mother's vagina on a Wednesday so I don't I don't know what's going on here but I got car issues and everyone told me Ari told me his friend but whatever bullshit he's like oh you can drill the hood shut for five years on that car ah well I got a undrill baby because I got all kinds of exclamation points yeah not the time I mean what the fuck did you get a warranty I got a big ass warranty so let me let me take you through so take me through fatty because I'm curious of course I just crumble I hate myself obviously and so immediately I'm like

you did no research you just got a Nissan cuz no one in your family has a Nissan you wanted to be special you wanted to tell him you're not like them you're your own person your piece of shit so I go I drop it off there's a there's a Nissan in Jackson Heights Queens this is like 15 minute ride from my house I call him up and I say hey I got myself a Nissan I didn't buy it there but you can just bring it anywhere which is pretty cool any ten years on place so I call him up and she goes all right we got a we got availability at 7 a.m. and 7 15 a.m. and I'm like what are you insane what is it a tractor yeah John

dear and she got to bring it we don't start work until 9 they do all their diagnostics checking from 7 to 9 so I go all right well I'll be there at 7 15 I wake up early first time I've had an alarm clock since you know 1984 I got crossed and shit my eye I pick up the car I drive it over there I drop it off and right away you're suspicious because everything you've heard mechanics this mechanics that it's corporate the whole thing yeah I drop it off I talked I talked to Byron seems nice enough all right and it's it's hard because you know I got a Massachusetts license so he thinks I got glasses I just look like a what do you

call it when you get a guy a room mark a mark a rook yeah I just look like an asshole it looks like I look at fuck this guy you know I got no grease I got no tattoos I got no whatever so I drop it off he says all right we should know you have to leave it here I should know in a day or two we should have it all set so okay great so now it's 7 20 a.m. I'm up I might as well live my life it's a two and a half mile walk I walk home and it's beautiful I'm texting my niece my nephew I'm up at seven the sun's coming up I walk through the projects I jog a little bit when I get there yeah get home and now I just you just feel good as

an adult you're like I'm taking care of it I'm doing something normally in the old days I just ignore it whatever and I do want to say I am grateful for the Tuesdays I'm teasing I like to tease I appreciate everybody's feedback and advice and all the stuff so he's I'm taking care of it and big TZ Japanese Eve I don't know anyways getting queasy the story stinks so no because of what happened you you're up at seven you're a farmer Ben Franklin or your eyes early to to queef what is it so I wait now all of a sudden you forget about it because I'm in my car is normally in the garage I'm living my life we hung out we had a

great time and Saturday I realize it's day three haven't heard they said day or two which means likely a day or two sure three is that a question now it's three so yesterday Saturday morning I call up and I'm ready to rumble here I say I you said day or two I haven't heard from my the lady the guy and I got no car she said who was your sales guy and I'm like I can't remember by they go well they give me the number I give her my phone number she goes okay you talk to Byron I'm like that sounds right Byron Defoe Byron Allen Lord Byron yeah I go yeah yeah give me Byron she goes well he took off today oh he took the day off

and I go well where's my car it said day or two today's day three he's on the palisades cruising etc he's on he's on the boardwalk with that bitch he's fishing off the off the trunk something's up with Byron so I don't like Byron I prefer a gay run he says she says well by walk she says nobody's looked at it yet it's a great I go but she says nobody's looked at it and I said looked at it it's supposed to be done what are you saying what oh gee that's that's how they get you these kooks these come guzzled Nazis they they put it all on a line they go we'll get to that when we get to it and you're thinking all right well it's

been six hours we probably he's probably getting it up on the rack by now and then he's got under it oh it's been eight hours okay he's probably washing his hands he's all Donald bring it down by tomorrow have it they've even touched it exactly they haven't even looked look Jerry they look at it not a peep my poor car is in the garage waving its fucking arms going what is this I got a check engine light over here meanwhile I told the clunk I told about the clunk light the exclamation point I got all this stuff so no one's looked at it so she goes okay okay you're right I go and I'm leaving for a week on Monday and I

told Byron that and then we keep talking and I'm like and don't forget I'm leaving for a week she goes wait you're leaving for a week and I go I told you and Byron that I'm out I'm on the road I've gone yes she goes okay okay I'll have an answer by 11 it's like 9 o'clock and I go okay so I I hang up I settled down this is Kelly now Kelly seems nice blue book value I hang up and I go all right I asserted myself I'm okay so now you 11 o'clock nothing 11 30 zilch noon nothing I call I call at 12 30 by the way every time I call it it rings and rings then bounces over to the sales office the sales office has left me transferred to

the service office I go to the service office there and say the bounce they just they just want to get it away from them it's a hot potato exactly it's like the scene in Home Alone so the cop and the guy who played yes home alone so anyways finally I get through back to Kelly and she says yep we fixed the clunking so I said okay no clunk she said they had to grease the front axle they did a little axle greasing grease that prefer Rome does that seem like something no but hey the Johnson rod who knows you know these guys these grease monkeys can make up anything well I bought the grease thing I'm like okay is

an axle whatever somebody messaged instead it could be a CV I don't know that is by way whoever the Tuesday that said the CV I mentioned that to the guy he thought he didn't know what I was talking about I think I said CVS by accident yeah I don't know a catalytic verter I don't know what the hell CV is I don't know either Charlie you know vene I have no idea I stick I don't know but that's what they do it's whenever you have an operator and the guy working on it they're never in cahoots like when I had the car run over here on the on the though the big trailer thing the trailer tractor I was like it's got to be here by

four or after four and she was like I'll tell them and then the guy calls me four hours later goes we'll be there for 30 I'm like Jesus they don't they're not in they're not in sync the periods aren't connected no sink and kitchen sink but so she goes okay so we grease the axle and I said a great she's like the sound is is done she goes the reason the check engine light is on and let me try to remember it the index manifold does that sound like something maybe may manifold is a thing yeah I think it was index manifold which I think it's just like a sensor on the engine she was we got to replace it again I'm like replace the

car has 18,000 miles on it right what the fuck what is this replacing I thought I was gonna be drilled for five years that's a baby with a new hip needed like what are we doing here it's a baby it should be crisp and clean and new and mint exactly the baby walked into a standpipe so we gotta get the new manifold into and I'm calling my dad my dad's mechanic so I'm calling him he's like yeah that sounds right that's something and a bike dream so whatever so they go we don't have the part we have to order the part I called another place they don't have the part but she's like once we do have the part we hold it for two

weeks and I go well I'm leaving Monday so I'm like I guess I'll come she's like you can drive it like that so I guess I'll come get the car drop it back at my garage then when I get back in a week I'll bring the car back again and she said it takes three hours to fix so I'm like Jesus so now we gotta come back for vacation go there on election day the whole thing I call my dad I go to this sound right and my dad had an idea why don't you just leave it there why while you're on vacation that's what I would do with the hog so that's what I call back a minute later I go can you hold on to the car that way you get the part you

fix it I come back I'll pick it up then she goes that's fine with me there's no charge so that's where we're at I'm getting a new index manifold it's gonna live at the thing which I don't trust it over there but whatever the fuck it's gonna live there until I get back and hopefully pick it up with a with no check engine light no clunks and we'll see but it's a lot of trouble for a car that's fucking three months old to me that's insane especially a car that's Asian and and it's just a reliable sedan it's so weird to have a I can see if you had a fucking hot rod you know Maserati that you tooled up on the track all day

but this is bananas and it makes me curious by that garage ears yeah well somebody another Tuesday very thoughtful said whatever's happened to your car it's nothing they're doing so I don't know but who knows but who knows but I'm glad she let you keep it there though because sometimes they go oh well you can't keep it here it's like well I'm only keeping it here because you fucking hooked me up the pooper and took too long so now when it's a when it's a problem for you it can't happen but you guys keep my car for three days and not even look at it exactly I have this horrible fear that they're gonna sell it

by accident because it'll be sitting on their lot and then some asshole buys it yeah you're gonna see Peter driving around a story with that thing with little phone bluffs and blocks on his shoes but so but the thing is I have a road gig the day I get back the day after I get back so it better be ready or else I'm fucked or they'll have to take one of their you know borrow cars or whatever well if it ain't ready by then I mean they had a week and a half to you know blow it I think it's it better be ready by then and this is all taken care of right they the warranty does it no charge it's all warrantied so that's nice

that is nice whoo boy yeah you see Henry David Thoreau said the things you own start owning you and maybe he's on to something but it is nice to own things Nate dog and warranty yes yeah a bit of a stretch anyways I got another big crazy thing in the car but you go I gotta rest my throat here I got refluxed my tits fall off all right I'll I'll be quick but I just want to give a shout out to the gang we did Souljoles on a Wednesday and it was just one of those magical magical nights everything clicked we like sold a ton of tickets and we made some money and Joel is so great because he like he's like what do you

guys want to eat he sent me a menu of an Italian joint I said get us a couple of pies get us a couple of wings and some ice cream he said done and done we went to the green room I got my guy it was me Ian Lara Doug Key and Joe Mackey so it was like a hot show and we just tore it up Mackey fucking annihilated I sold a ton of shirt you know when you I brought a suitcase full of shirts sold everyone wow that's a good feeling it's a great feel it's extra money and you know you get those Tuesdays who are such fans such diehard come guzzling queefs that they're like I'm the fattest guy on the planet I'm in a rascal my legs don't

work I got diabetes what sizes you gotta go all I got small he goes I'll take it I'll make it a jizz rag fuck it hell yeah and just comedy time now here's a here's a thing I wanted to throw at you and see if it makes your nipples poke I'm not gonna say who I wrote up with and who I wrote down with I wrote up to PA with a comic I wrote back to New York with a comic a different comic the ride up we had a political talk this guy is very conservative I'm talking okay hardcore all the way you know voting for it and I'm just listening I'm absorbing I'm a sponge I smell like a you know a drain pipe and I'm taking all the information

I'm like he's making some good points oh that's I never thought of it that way that's true I'm a listener then we do the show killer everybody has a great set Doug Ian I drive back with another comic and he's a big lefty you know BLM the whole thing progressive and he was making some good points so it's kind of interesting hearing both political sides I'm talking far far extreme sides and both that's some good points both that's some stuff I didn't agree with and it was nice to take it all in cuz usually just Twitter you know just jizzing in your eye and farting in the wind and you're like all right geez up y'all to

me but it was nice to hear it just calmly from two sides yeah sometimes it's nice to hear unfettered arguments yes because you read one thing and then someone else you know that's fucking crazy that's not true whatever and then sometimes it's good to get a nice debate going with two because they can counterpoint and you know it's it's tricky but yeah I mean both sides I'm sure have some some nice points to be made yeah I guess I mean and it just shows it like it doesn't we can still be friends you know like I don't I don't like these people who are like you you agree with that political stance we're

done like well that's this that's just the definition of closed-minded and intolerant by the way and I'm not saying you guys have to blow each other but like it's weird that some people won't hang out with people who are different political spectrums yeah the hanging out thing I don't understand but that that is infected both sides I get yes you know I get people from both sides go and fuck you you piece of shit you crazy fucking maniac I'll never listen to your show again and yeah yeah all right yeah take it easy I mean that's more from one specific side but whatever well yeah I notice on Gaffigan's Amazon page it's

like fuck you you got political you lost a fan now you hate you made fun of Trump but we're done here and then you're like okay well that's crazy and then you go oh man Chris Pratt wouldn't do some Biden thing if you're like fuck him he's a piece of shit he's dead to me and you're like he's dead to you like both you sides are fucking crazy are the same thing you don't even realize it it's like a bunch of children I also never believe any of those people I don't think they have the conviction we've had a million people say I'll never listen to your podcast again you liberal cuck fuck and I'm like I'm a hundred percent sure

you're listening still I don't believe you and I feel the same way with these people like I'm boycotting this I'm boycotting that I'm like no you're not you're still listening to Elton John or fucking Kid Rock or whatever the fuck you were listening to before I know I hate that I hate that whole thing like when Thriller comes on at Target I see people shuffling in the aisles you know they're loving it but you know on paper they go oh that pedo he should be you know you know it's thrown off into the to the wolves yeah no I remember my friend saying that about Cat Stevens he's like turn it off like you know it

came on the radio he's like he said America stinks and I'm like well America does stink who gives a shit right nice song I don't know who gives a fuck it's a fun song shut up you write a song how about that yeah your song stinks your joke stink and your mother's fat yes big fat scary gross mom but yeah hopefully we can all get along at some point I mean everyone's getting different scoops different news and you know I don't know it's everything's gotten so extreme we've talked about this before one of my favorite sayings Manny who used to own the seller said I was a I was a liberal in the 60s and a conservative of the 90s

and I never changed my opinions and I'm starting to feel that way only with moderate I used to be a liberal now I'm like a moderate and I haven't even changed a single opinion totally totally I'm with you I'm I like the police and so now I'm like a piece of shit right-wing Nazi and you know I believe in scientists being like we got an environmental crisis and that makes me a cuck liberal piece of shit fucking Marxist so I don't know what to believe I know it's weird like and I do this in my act so I feel I apologize but it's like why can't you be bisexual politically like we don't do that with bi people we

don't go you got to pick one your piece of shit you're like well I blew a guy and then I ate out a chick so can I just do a little of both I don't get it like why do I have to be all the way and I get I obviously have to vote one way but like you know I like abortions I've paid for a couple but I also yeah it's like I also want some police around when you know that lady tries to stab me yeah I think the problem and you're bringing me into a dangerous zone I'm gonna get I'm gonna get killed over here but I think the issue with the people take with one side of the other ultimately to me one side is ah I shouldn't say

anything anymore because we'll lose all the people my Twitter will blow up and all this shit but you know but this goes to them too you guys who are about to blow up somebody's Twitter chill the fuck out that's not gonna change anything it doesn't help the the cause you don't look smarter it's all stupid it's all a waste of time that we couldn't be putting in other things but but now we have so much time on our hands we got phones at Uber eats and Netflix and everything's right there and GPS you know that it's just we have the time to be pieces of shit I guess well it's one of the many things I completely lament about the

right and the thing that I hate one of the things I hate the most about them socially at least is that all these people I hear from on Twitter and oh I'm like you're the thing you hate about the left yeah exactly cancel culture oh listen you fucking yes I'm never listening again oh you're triggered you're triggered you're triggered you're a fucking triggered snowflake who's canceling I'll never fucking listen to the podcast again right and I'm like how can you rail off about the left you're that that's the same thing it's like a horseshoe it's both sides of one thing you the people go so far left they

become right and they go so far right they become left yeah and it's embarrassing but I'm on the I'm on the team that you know thinks we should be able to have health insurance and get an abortion if you want to get an abortion and believes in the science of the environmental crisis and you know gays or people should be able to get married you know crazy but now you got me I'm fucked on Tuesday everything social media I'm gonna get bombarded and killed and all right we'll move on we'll move on let's by the way everyone that writes to me mark brought up the politics I brought it yell at me but don't yell at anybody

that's my point is like you're up your all you whiny quiff dick Jews out there just chill out it doesn't help yelling at him is not gonna make Joe go oh you know what maybe I will do blackface fuck it I take it all back I still get it do anything and you're triggered you're a bitch Joe makes Tuesday's political he always got to bring up politics again I rented last time we've probably talked about politics 18 minutes in the history of the show here's a quiefer I saw Quiefer Sutherland I was on Broadway in Soho yesterday me and the lady were getting a bite and there's a guy full yamaka full tassel the little white

tassels and he's standing on a corner going fuck the white man fuck all you blah blah blah like doing this whole thing you know just a crazy wacko and this old guy I'm talking white hair 75 year old guy walks by he's got the cane he's got shorts he's got high socks pulled up shirt tucked in glasses have the chain on him and he goes you should be ashamed of yourself and just keeps walking and the Jewish guy was like what what you say to me you fucking anarchist whatever and he starts yelling at the guys like you obviously have some issues and it was fascinating because everything he was saying was clearly true

of him he's like you're obviously touching the head you got some problems that you need to deal with and then the old guy what does one of these from you know 20 feet away classic old guy and he just starts chasing the guy he just guns toys like I just starts running towards the guy so I start running towards him because I'm like this old guy we got to tackle him this old guy is a cane so then he just started yelling at the old guy like in his face and the old guy was like all right all right and then he kept walking but that was that it was it was quite a scene on a Friday morning yeah these are these are

crazy times where we're coming apart at the seams it seems yes seams two seams seams stress ah seamless but yeah and I feel like if anybody was about to go crazy if anybody was on that edge the pandemic and the election and era the BLM and everything I just pushed it over yeah well we're gonna we might see some spicy meatballs in the next few months who knows what's gonna go on but hopefully we can all keep it together stick together and I don't know hopefully we'll be all right yeah yeah hopefully Jesus Christ I'd like to get out of this pandem at some point and you know be able to fly on a plane without you know

wearing a mask and the mask is pretty good because I fart a lot so I feel like I've gotten a buy on a few farts but yeah I'm getting sick of it here's what I like about the masks you me and Ari we're walking around the village we're talking the way we talk the mask is nice because you see like people be like what the hell did they just say and you got the mask up so you're like hey I'm don't worry about me wasn't me my lips ain't moving dickless yeah exactly because some of our conversations you know they get a little why me here we say here what do you think we're saying walking around I know I mean how great

was that day I meet you guys at Bleecker Street Pizza Sun shining we go to the water Ari breaks out three Stoge's we just start talking politics economy philosophy comedy love anal Jews the whole thing yeah quite a quite a day beautiful day I got can I cram in one last yeah please please because this is something we might be going along here but cramming my ass before I dropped off the car I have a gig at the East River Amphitheater have you done that I haven't heard good things I heard it's in the middle of nowhere yeah it's it's over across FDR which we talked about a couple episodes ago the scariest fucking

road in the country brutal which I had to drive on again so I type in East River Amphitheater I gotta shout out apology to Pierce Mortensen I think is his name comic and I got this gig in the East River Amphitheater I plug it into Google Maps it says an hour and ten minutes public transportation from my house 30 minutes car ride okay so I take I'm like I'm taking the car I drive down there I'm on FDR it's scary as shit I get off terrifying terrifying road I'm just shitting my pants I'm so stressed I get off the road I drive to this park it doesn't even show it with where that car directions and is in like a municipal

parking lot it's like city only parking lot I don't even see a park I'm under a bridge it's dark it's crazy so I'm like let me drive in look for parking it's all projects I'm looking for cars I'm looking for parking no parking whatsoever time is clicking away yep I'm messaging the guy I'm like I can't find parking this is insane I'm looking for parking for a half hour and it's it's dark I have no idea where I am no parking I find a one-way street I'm going down the look for parking all of a sudden the street has like a roadblock in it a bunch of roadblocks police cars with lights up but it's a one-way road there's no way

out ah so I had to back down a one-way the cars clunking then there's like a gang there's like 48 guys literally like 50 people warriors sit standing on the sidewalk and they're like all yell it there's like a Latino that I couldn't hear what they would understand what they were saying but they're all got beers and joints and cigars the whole thing and I'm this nerd in a century with a click sound I'm backing up I'm shitting my pants and I'm backing up a one-way and now like other cars would pull down the one-way and there's no where to go right so I had to move forward again and find like a hydrant

pull in there and then this guy goes past me and he just drives around the roadblock I didn't know we could do that I like this guy so I'm like I'm not doing that so then I have to back past the gang again double gang it's a double gang pass in reverse and then I get out to the end of the street and I'm trying to back out of a one-way city street but I'm in the crosswalk people are banging on my hood go ahead and I'm like I'm sorry I'm like it's the roads blocked off and they're like whatever I can't do Spanish as I cover there I can't back out because this road it's like Grand Street it's too busy all these cars are

coming thoroughfare so I'm freaking out my cars clunking I'm stuck on a one-way I'm trying to back out the show is happening the guys like hey you close I had to just message him like I'm not coming to your show sorry I'm like I've never do this I'll make it up to you when you got a better venue I'll come I'll do it for free whatever it is I back out and then I'm like wait let me try to make it I can still if I can get parking I'll walk over there and then I take a right and a left all of a sudden on the Williamsburg Bridge which takes me back to Queens and I'm like fuck it fuck this and that feeling of letting go of like I

can't make it I'm sorry I apologize I'm a bad person whatever and then now that's out of there I put it all behind me I'm on the BQE I'm home in like 20 minutes the world series is on I sit down I put my feet up I'm like this is the best night of my life because you kind of accomplished something you went there it came back I mean you kind of did something but I try I mean it was literally 35 minutes of looking for parking and you have this moment of like what am I doing I've been doing comedy 20 years I'm driving around the projects looking for a parking spot I can't find it there's a gang yelling at

me in another language I don't know what's going on yeah I get it man I get it it sucks because the people on the other end they go I couldn't find parking we got a show two two feet away from the guy can't make it and he came all the way here I don't get it couldn't find parking what the fuck so I get it from his thing but he doesn't you know you know what you're going through in that car it's just a box of anxiety and stress and you're freaking out insanity and by the way where I had gone so far at concentric circles looking for parking that I was like at this point I was like a 25 minute walk from the gig so

even if I found a spot I had to walk the 25 minutes so I feel bad I'll make it up to you sir I don't even know if he listens but whoo what a night and then I dropped off the car the next day so crazy times crazy I get it I had a spot at Eastville by the way Eastville it's a nice club but it's in Brooklyn so you're ruined for the whole night and I had to come back on the D the D's shut down so now I had to take the cue get off at canal then uber to a spot so you're like you don't know what we're going through just to get around this fucking town it's so it's wild times but I think I'm going back to doing shows at the stand the

cellar New York comedy clubs the Manhattan rooftops and then the road gigs because some of these some of these gigs are too kooky for me they're cookie they're in weird places they're in an ISIS bunker or a pedophile den it's all over the place you go up in a you know a guy's apartment and you got to go up a fire escape there's all kinds of stuff and I think you got a you got a little bit of a beef with the outdoor well it's some of the outdoors some of the outdoors are great but some of it's just too much like the you know tiny cupboard is great I recommend going to show it but for me it's just that that

fucking fire escape it feels very unsafe up there I don't know what the hell's going on the train keeps going by some of it's a little it's tough yeah I had a bit of a you know when you have like a meltdown in your own brain but you don't you don't act like you're having a meltdown I was on stage at on a sidewalk I should say and nobody was listening everybody's talking they're texting I'm like they're eating I'm like why'd you come this stuff works I'm trying to do this art form that's really challenging I sound like a cunt but you just not even listening and like now I'm like trying to ramp up and figure it out do some

crowd work and make it work and all this shit it's like what are we doing here we're outside as a hobo eating his own ass 20 feet away from me he's throwing a can of beans at me I don't know what the hell's going on like this isn't part of it like that's why they don't have Broadway on a sidewalk because Hamilton has a set and you got to sit down as an usher and his lights and I get it this is this is low maintenance but it ain't always working now it's it's hard times and I think things things might get worse before they get better but I think we're gonna get better we're gonna we're gonna be all right well it's pretty

nippy out there today so I don't know what we're gonna do I don't know you you have a theory that that will be fine in the outdoor with the cold maybe I mean I'm hoping we'll see or you know people people in this city are being very safe I don't you know I don't want to get the whole thing about the pants but so far the city's been safe and we're doing we're having we've had outdoor dining we have indoor dining now the movie theaters are gonna open and we're still testing at 2% I don't know what could be different what is it that we're doing different but everyone seems to have a mask on indoors and so far so good all

right well good note and on we had some ups we had some downs so we had the car jizz we had the political talk so I hope nobody's mad at us and come see us live we're on the road again yeah November 5th I think next Thursday I'm at Lyman orchards Middlefield Connecticut oh Shelby's texting us oh with the Patriot yeah we'll get to that we got good call we've zoomed past 3000 we're heading towards 3500 that's our new goal right now yes we get to 3500 if and when we're gonna do a live YouTube stream for patrons only on the Patreon a live show with you guys attending if you're a patreon member you can attend

that's when we hit 3500 so we need about 250 people to sign up you can get in there for as low as three bucks yes cheapest patreon in the biz it'll be a live streaming you'll have full access if you're on the patreon and you can comment you can write in we'll read some questions we'll read some comments we'll shit on you you can shit on us it'll be fun but it's only for the select few who sign up and only if we hit 35 hundo and there's a ton of shit on there we do the movie thing we do the Sopranos thing we got a bonus every week for seven months now we just do with Sean Donnelly check out his podcast to fend your dym

podcast and also I again want to express our gratitude to the patrons because it's the only thing keeping my wife and I with a roof over our heads so thank you to everyone that signed up for patreon November 5th I'm in Connecticut Lyman Orchard's November 13th Millersville Pennsylvania which is I don't even know the fuck that is but and then November 11th I'm back in Royersford again now and November 28th I'm doing Foxborough Foxborough Massachusetts day after Thanksgiving that'll be a fun one so hit me up for details or whatever and go subscribe to my YouTube I'm trying to build this YouTube up I put a bunch of

videos I'm about to do a new web series with my pal Dan Hirshon so need some subscribers over there Joe list on YouTube nice all right yeah I mean I'm in AC this weekend Atlantic City as a comedy club so come on out to that that should be kooky then I'm at Hilarity's in Cleveland one of my favorites that's right after the election so the world could be on fire charlotte's no sorry Comedy Zone in Greenville South Carolina then I'll be in New Orleans on the 24th seeing mom and dad for Thanksgiving I'm gonna do a show on the 24th and the Big Easy then you know I got a bunch of weird gigs

stress factory in Bridgeport Connecticut and all these gigs all over town Swedesboro New Jersey Belvedere New Jersey you name it check my Instagram stories I post everything I'm not good at posting and we love you get on the Patreon tell a friend go gay and praise Allah