Tuesdays with Stories! - #374 Neck Clinch

Episode Date: November 3, 2020

It's a bi coastal Tuesdays as Joe deals with the ups and down of Seattle and Mark deals with a gig at a mini birthday party. Check it out! Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Get our new T-Shirts right here baby! remember2behappy.com/twsshop

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to a kooky spooky post Halloween Tuesdays with stories I hope you're covered in jizz and the shit on your mustache because Halloween just passed and for us it hasn't come yet at now it's always

weird to me the weird you and we're talking pre it's pre-Halloween for you and I but for that it's post Halloween isn't that weird yes somebody might have get got shot died killed themselves fell off a building you know eat an apple with a razor blade all kind of things could happen by the time they hear this we could both be dead that's true or if Shelby dies they won't even be here in this we don't know what we're doing yes Shelby a man we're we've got to be as immediate family I mean they can't be other Shelby's out there as a I can't imagine a Shelby father with a cardigan and a mom knitting it's got to be just

us what we do if he died what would we do with this information I don't have you know how to there's got to be somebody that knows how to do it maybe put on VHS I don't know I'm clueless I wouldn't know what to do so yes Shelby we need you keep keep combing that hair and wearing all black and doing your weird stuff cuz we need you out there fatty I mean it's kind of like I read Stephen King's on writing that book I read some of it I thought it was whatever but people rave people rave once again I'm like what's going on here it was good it was cool it was neat whatever the fuck but we got a sopranos moment everybody else loved it

I mean I liked it I liked it don't get me wrong you know it's fine but there was some interesting stuff that stuck in my ass but one thing he talked about is how book writing is um what's that shit where you read someone's mind telekinesis yes I think that's the word he used he's like this is telekinesis cunea leason yeah it's a black chick I know because he talked about the same thing like he's like I'm sitting at my desk right now it's October of whatever 2015 and you're on an airplane in you know the West Indies in 2018 and my thoughts are my thoughts now are in your head then kooky like we're in the future right now we're in someone's future brain

yeah yeah it's great it's like the uh the what do you call those uh that you dig up bones time capsule ah yes time goes you know it's like you're watching saved by the bell and the guy pulls up a time capsule like whoa it's my comic book collection or my baseball card from 1951 this is my prized possession I don't even think about it so time changes all it heals all wounds how about this on my side I participated in a time capsule this year come on swear to god what where is it it's in my father's backyard I guess my if they have my I have a niece and a nephew and they wanted to do a time capsule and I think the whole thing's kooky and and along these lines of what we're talking about I'm like when do we open this

because my parents are in their sixties their blood pressure is higher than the you know stock market so I or that's low maybe I don't know just trying to think of things with spikes I think it's the check the dow shellbow well whatever it is I mean I'm like we're open this we've been over this thing in six months because these two drink like like the meteors coming so yeah but would you put it can I ask did you put a dildo in there or a bag of cheese what's in there well it's a lot of pressure because here's the thing with these time capsules is that you're supposed to put something in there meaningful but if it's meaningful I want it you know what I mean like so I didn't know what to put in there so I took a we were at Sarin I were at Colin Quinn's

wedding big name drop there and they had one of those photo booth things and they print out a thing it says Colin and Jen and we put on silly hats and we got two copies of it so we kept one I took that photo so it's kind of a time capsule of what we looked like and I wrote a thing on the back I wrote hey I hope everyone's doing well right now I'm living here in yeah yada yada and I had to by the way put in parentheses these aren't our hats these are joke hats because you don't want ten years from now going boy Joe and Sarah were hipster doofuses right right that's true but I'll tell you I've once found a cigar box full of old trinkets I collected when I was like a like a special needs downsy kid and you know action figure arrowhead a marker I liked a baseball

card a condom whatever it was and I found it 10 years later so I found it when I was like 16 and it blew my mind because those that you know Batman was in there and it was the old Batman he had the old cape and he was remember when Batman was light gray and blue yes the light gray yeah it was that one so it really met the world I thought that was the coolest toy the arrowhead I probably made that in Cub Scouts before I got diddled and then you know a comic book that I wrote was in there cloth man and fabric boy and uh yeah and I just saw it later it was like oh my god it blows your mind because this was all meaningful and now it's just trash let me ask you this about the Batman what kind of cape I'm going to throw three options at you on don't tell me all right

was it the the stiff rubber cape that just folds around and spoons them I love that one I know that one I know exactly what you're talking about fatty was it that one or the fabric one there was the fabric that you could whoosh in the wind and then there was like a leather one like a leathery similar to the fabric but not soft but kind of leathery but more flappy flappable it was the old fabric where it clenched at the neck the neck had a little wire in it and it was those were my favorite because it was the the it was the cutest I know the neck clench the Falcon neck bench but yeah the uh the plastic with the wrap around I didn't care for it felt too phony yeah I always like the neck clench because you could pop it off and I thought Batman or Luke sky Jedi Skywalker minus the cape

was fun I like the no cape ah not all heroes wear them I hear you I hear you I like these you could pop it off and I was such a cum guzzling queef that like I would stand my Batman up and hit him with a fan so that thing would blow yep and how about this you ever take the the cape with the neck clink put it on the finger and draw a little face on the come around with the cape I mean did I I did I made a little clan member out of my finger once when I put a little hat on it the little dunce cab I had a white cape it was a it was a hell of a meeting I think what's going on with the clan by the way you hear things and then you don't hear things it doesn't seem like they're they're doing that great right no I think they're dwindling but it the irony is all these weirdos

these politics they're giving them all this this plop this press this like hey the clans out there watch over the clan we're white supremacists and you're like they're done the clan is oh you're the one pumping them clan stinks they're out no one likes the clan but in the old days you see these old footage even the 60s I mean they were walking around they were at diners and shit you see what the thing pulled back and they're eating an omelet crazy to think about and also uh oh shit I had something on the clan oh you know what's gotta be the worst part about the clan because I think about them a lot is they have meetings that's all they you ever had a day job every time you have a meeting go oh we got a meeting god and they do that all the time

and is the clan doing clan things via zoom are they having zoom and clan meetings now that's that's a great question there grand wizard zoom the wi-fi is all fucked up they can't you know blacks you know what else is interesting about uh very racist you know areas like that are known to be racist a lot of black porn oh interesting they do these studies where they can show you what kind of genre like Texans love stepsis and Mississippi loves uh pegging or cuckolding all the interracial black stuff is all in the like the racial like woodsy methed out white areas wow that makes sense I guess I think that I can see that it's an overcompensate you know like if you got too much of this I want to see a little that right right yeah they're probably all a little

bit into that well that's the most dangerous thing to them taboo right right yes what now are you a halloween guy what's your halloween vibe are you working do you go to a party do you trick-and-treat do you steal a kid wait what's going on over there that's a good question I like I like halloween I love New York and halloween the whole week of halloween in New York used to be before this uh whole miscarriage of a of a pandem but it used to be you know hot chicks with the skimpy cat outfit and then like the the buff guy wearing a diaper he's a baby we get it you're ripped you know and uh it was all all these parties and you see him on the subway you got the subway there's the joker over on one side and the batman on the other side and they go and everybody's having a

great time now don't you find it a little spooky a couple things I assume well you probably do work on halloween because most people don't want to work halloween it's the worst night of comedy of the year are you working out there on halloween I am at Atlantic City this halloween which is the weirdest joint Emilio the guy who booked in it texted me he said these are the worst numbers we've ever had period that's it that's it for AC because think about it it's halloween nobody wants to go to a casino on halloween I mean you got to be a real sad sack of joya and so it's halloween it's a pandem and it's you know me so nobody's coming out yeah that's tough I mean I guess the people that do come on your back they're diehards I guess yeah I mean they're giving up a bobbin for apples

or a halloween party just to see my my fat ass so god love you I appreciate it all the people came out but I I think it's gonna be a bunch of old fogies and like MAGA hats and shit and like rascals can I just say this just a side note bobbing for apples seems like the single worst dumbest activity ever yeah I mean my my mouth was too small my jaw's not strong enough my teeth are crooked I don't like apples like you can drown I mean what's going on there is anyone doing that enjoyably I don't think so I think the whole beauty of it is when the guy goes to dunk his head you hold it under go ah look at this fucking chooch I'm drowning him yeah I don't know how you do I'd rather bob for cum it's just I don't get it like the the the the apple goes down that's a great

porn star you know bob for cum he's good he's a he's a pro that guy he can take a load and keep on going now there's a t-shirt someone needs to draw up bob for cum you know it's a guy and I mean I don't know what happens there but oh by the way it's 10 30 at night over here I did two sets I got a whiskey clinklin I love this sound this is weird I'm in Seattle so it's 7 30 the time thing is is goofy I mean to me it's it's weird because I'm still on like east coast time mentally so it's it feels late at night I've been getting up at 6 a.m. yeah it's 7 30 p.m. so I'm gonna be done with this I have a spot after this a zoom show wow that's weird it's it's it's strange sorry go ahead three hours is is we act like oh it's LA it's New York three hours is a huge difference in time

like that's noon to three or five to eight or seven to ten those are wildly different worlds yeah I'm I mean I'm watching Jeopardy over here and you got your nightcap on I'm drinking a nightcap I got pajama bottoms going this feels odd it feels like like playboy after dark over here well you want to talk about weird I mean so by the way I have nothing for this episode so we're gonna have to really bob for cum here yeah so I'm in Seattle right now I'm in downtown Seattle I'm staying in West Seattle which which diehards of the program know is my home away from home that's where Derek's been for years it's I mean West Seattle I mean this is a town I can drive around no no maps that's exciting wow that's impressive a non-living city that you're like

I'm taking shortcuts and shit I know what I'm doing over here damn that's I haven't been there that much well 2010 I did the Seattle Comedy Fest so I spent three weeks there three four 21 days living there and then I probably go two weeks out of the year that was 2010 so that for 10 years two weeks out of the year we're talking 10 20 that's 20 weeks times the other three weeks I've probably spent about 24 weeks that's four months so think about moving to a town for four months you kind of lay the land good point that makes sense so a lot of time here but right now I'm in downtown Seattle at the Hyatt Regency on the 41st floor you know me I like to spring yeah you spring and you go you go big in there what do they call it you go hard in the ass and uh you like a high

floor I keep it low I'm a Jerry Springer if I was here for the week maybe low because the elevator ride I gotta tell you is a cunt I mean I'm in there for half a hour my ears are popping hate it I don't know what's going on the elevator I passed out on one of the elevator rides I will say Mohegan Sun it's a shit box of a casino it's in the middle of hell on Gunkwin main or Tennessee or Connecticut wherever it is that elevator admit at that place in the Sky Tower unreal I made a point to bring it up to like five I love a good elevator wait how do you know oh Gunkwit I've heard of it it's a funny name oh yeah it's the gay town in Maine oh that's how I know it yeah that's why it's curious I hear a funny name and I'm curious I am now but I'm more of a

province town cat but if I hear a funny name I put it right in the vault for later because you never know you know Albuquerque's in there and Unkinsville and normal Illinois ironically Unkinsville is where in the hotel is that you're talking about there you go there you go but yeah I love a funny name oh Gunkwit's a fun gay name because it sounds like a sex thing it does and what is it a Fanna bunkport main kitty bunkport that's where the bushes live that's another great name yeah that's we used to go up to all these places when I was a kid when I was a young whippersnapper was it that's new england that's all new england yep yes uh it was fun because I remember going when I was really young George hw bush he lived in um Kenny bunk Kenny

bunkport and my parents drove me up there and they were like we were looking from a distance like that's the president's house and it was confusing because I was like I thought he lives in DC and they're like wow this is his other house and I was like two houses what is this right that's a whole thing is a kid uh yeah it's crazy I remember I went to New Mexico as a kid once and they were like there's a road runner and I missed it but all I could picture was meep meep I had the same thing we just by the way the road runner is a direct I know I guess all birds are whatever but the road runner direct descendant of the dinosaurs which someone said all birds are whatever the fuck bird lives matter but I was uh we just had the same conversation when we were in Texas there's

nothing more disappointing than a road runner you see it's a little piece of shit it looks like a pigeon oh really it's not a meat meep though it doesn't have the leg this big leg it's not big it's not fat it's a little piece of shit with the feather and a little leg it just runs oh that's a bummer I was hoping it was you know had a puff of smoke behind it and uh a coyote chasing it nothing huh you know it's more of a trot too it does like a ah you see these cart it's almost like movies you know when you see a movie and you're like oh geez that was terrifying you know you see a movie and it's like oh that's what uh that guy looks like you know that because he's representing Carl Young or whoever the fuck in blow and then you see the end of the movie and you're like oh they show the

real guy you fucking do you want to stab your eyes with a number two pencil the the biggest disparity ever is the movie Argo which is a decent flick but it's Ben Affleck they show the guy I mean my god the guy's four nine two forty Latino I mean he's missing teeth and it's he's perfectly it Lou Louise Guzman is that the guy oh yeah dead on I mean it's it's that guy and Affleck who I love was just like hey fuck you I'm playing I need to come back but that's the thing is Guzman he's fun but can he carry a picture yeah he's not selling tickets he's not putting butts in the seats no no not all goosey no goose stinks character actor I never cared for goose by the way he's fine he's whatever but people love goose he's in boogie

nights he's in some big ones boogie nights and uh magnolia too uh pta probably likes the the goose yeah so uh I guess I like him he's fine whatever anyway so we're over there in west Seattle at Derek's house having a great time because the kids are that in a sweet spot of an age eight and four so they're funny you can have a conversation they're a lot of fun we're having a good time over there but we fucked up with sarah and I were here for a week which is a long time a full week that's long and I gotta do the podcast we gotta do the bonus episode I gotta do a zoom show I gotta do another zoom and she's got a a web show a live web show a podcast another podcast her bonuses yesterday Derek's working from home his daughter

is going to school at home so we got four home zoom things going yesterday Wi-Fi shits the bed oh just goes out not even like shoddy just completely gone no signal zero zilch wow so we are all fucked we had to cancel everything drop everything the whole thing the kids is a retard now she can't read because zoom is broken yep and you know he got fired he's homeless and we had to get the hotel to get Wi-Fi but you go to these shitty hotels they have mediocre so I went high at Regency and requested a high floor so we came over here 41st floor and the place is a ghost town it's a it's a Wednesday night nobody's here we got the place to ourselves it's pretty sweet wait a minute did you get this place for the Wi-Fi or for the Wi-Fi and to have a hotel

we got it basically just for the Wi-Fi I mean I don't get me wrong I'm going to try to have some intercourse over here because we're sleeping on a inflatable child bed over here yeah it's not exactly a turnout because any minute you can hear that door creaking like can't get my panties you know and I'm wearing them so well now I'm hard but yeah that is tough plus this I mean the hotel it's I mean how I mean Derek must have felt horrible about the Wi-Fi another wasn't being the host and the Wi-Fi goes out he's like I'm so sorry I know and then he's clicking it off and on and I'm telling him to call the lady and you could tell it was got tents over there I mean yeah plus everybody's got their things so we got one night over here in the thing we got the

high floor but I gotta tell you this and you've probably heard the rumors downtown Seattle right now yikes really are we talking protest are we talking burnt out it's just hold first of all where downtown and Seattle always has a crazy homeless problem one of the worst homeless cities whatever all of you say it yeah and I walked down the street let me go check out Pike Place because Sarah had her business so I go down the street and first of all everything closes at 5 p.m. the whole Pike Place market 5 p.m. they flip the clothes sign and then half the stuff's not even there I mean you've been to Pike Place I mean it's packed shoulder to shoulder wild the fish people they're not there there's nothing it's just chain link fence over there

what it feels like a what do you call it a fucking um apocalyptic yes exactly boy you're on tonight thank you wow elliptic and there's just bums homeless there's no uh no nothing no tourists no security no police just all the crazy homeless people no shops open and it's pretty harrowing I mean the sun started to go down I was I was running like a zombie flick holy moly that's wild because I always hear that town it's too busy now because Amazon everybody hates the Amazon they came in they raped my dad they fucked up the whole thing the traffic's bad all the jobs are fucked whatever it is but you're saying it's a ghost town well I mean at 5 p.m. anyways I'm sure maybe people are working but I think everyone's working from home it's a tech city the tech boom

and it's like Times Square I mean I'm sure there's some part Amazon's not a downtown I don't think or maybe they are I think they might be in uh I don't know Hell's Kitchen whatever the fuck it's called yeah but um downtown five o'clock I mean everything closed I went to beachers to get the mac and cheese and they literally flipped the sign right in my face I was gonna walk in I was like up never mind wow the original Starbucks they're usually it's a line out the door there was like two Asian ladies in there going whatever they were saying I gotta say I hate to say it I'm on my selfish twat but uh I feel better I mean New York's falling apart the paint's coming off the walls the rats are taking over the hobos are eating me out but if you say other cities are

queefing too I feel better yeah well I mean West Seattle's normal it's fine I mean you're we're walking around over there I got the mask on I went to easy street records we have breakfast I buy a couple records I'm people keep saying like we're losing a year or this or that but I'm like there's still people that are COVID crazy I'm like throw a mask on go shopping and it's kind of nice because they're like four people at a time I'm like that's great yeah there's nobody else in there I got the place to myself and uh you know you could still shop you could still go out I'm hiking in the woods I'm not wearing a mask I'm hiking all over the fucking place yeah so live your lives folks get out there hey I completely agree this is the best time for air travel the

airport's empty there's no security the airplane is empty I'm getting bumped up to first class everywhere I go I'm fucking stewardess it's great so there are perks yeah we got by the way uh I got the uh delta one upgrade oh cross country we're walking this is the most perfect entry Sarah and I go to JFK early in the morning tons of traffic still I don't know where everyone that's going yeah we get to the airport we walk in we get our snacks and we're like oh shit we better get there it's time so we walk all the terminal JFK is empty apocalyptic I mean nobody at JFK terminal four we walk right up to our gate they go uh all boarding delta one passengers only first class I look at the board upgrade j list s tallamash so we just walked in

never even broke strides straight on delta one rock back in the bed went to sleep jerk both of you oh yeah oh that's nice always awkward when one of you gets it now we got it both have got it so pretty beautiful and then every day has been beautiful west ceo having a great time we're hiking we're playing with the kids great time but downtown I mean oof it's it's it's it's scary man all right well everybody's been trashing new york oh new york's fucking falling apart it's never coming back it's dead it's not what it used to be blah blah blah but it sounds like a lot of cities are going through hell yeah am I saying live your life be safe yeah wear the mask distance when you can but you know what I mean don't go crazy don't go coughing on everybody don't go to a rock

concert but hey you can go to a bar I just ate at the cheesecake factory by myself like a sad bastard but yeah going around we're eating inside it's no sweat love it love eating inside it's the best feeling I mean that's how that's how low my standards have gotten I walked through I was walking through Brooklyn tonight I see people eating inside of a restaurant I was like yeah it looks so beautiful the lights hitting them they got a candle going they're eating sushi was great yeah it was pretty nice I mean I sat at the cheesecake got it to go water for sarah the you know I'm the only one in there literally I mean it's pretty yeah pretty sweet I mean I said every time 7-eleven is Disneyland now I mean I'm going to this casino I can't wait I'm like pumped I'm

out of roulette I'm gonna put my feet up I'm gonna take a bubble bath and you know eat out the lady and all this shit I can't wait it's so exciting just being oh look at the people that guy's shooting dice and he's Asian and he's in a wheelchair he's limping he's got a camo hat I'm pumped I'm gonna do sports book the whole thing yeah that sounds fucking great I mean don't get me wrong I don't want COVID I'm trying not to get COVID you know the whole thing but have some fun out there folks live it I do feel like I'm losing a year a little bit you don't feel like that a little bit but that attitude you gotta get rid of that attitude because yes we are living you're in the moment you gotta do the thing and and also I mean we're extremely lucky I'm sure

that some people fucking throw in their shoes at the at the phone or wherever you however you listen to a podcast go and fuck you you fuck assholes I haven't worked I'm homeless my parents are dead yeah yeah there's definitely that uh but also I forgot what's gonna say again throwing the shoes at the phone threw me off because it's a funny image damn it god am I getting old I keep forgetting what I'm gonna say well our show is very frantic there's a lot of topics and which ways and different things throw in the shoe at the phone we're very lucky damn it'll come back it'll come back people hate us I mean you're always work is I don't want to be that guy who we're like hey go out there live your life you fucking idiots this is great I'm having a great time and then someone

emails me and goes hey I'm working at a grocery store your piece of shit my wife killed herself my parents both died we couldn't visit it I had my nipple on the window at the old folks home you know fuck you it's been hard we're just making the best of it here yes yes you gotta make the best you gotta live your life folks like we all have that one friend I think we uh we know the same guy who he barely leaves I had a birthday party he showed up he saw the people he left oh boy yeah and I'm like look I get it you're being safe but I mean come on fatty you gotta take a spin in life we're all gonna oh I remember what I was gonna say I got it back yes yes take quick go go we're also lucky not just because we we we were comics and we're gay but because this is a decent point

in life to have COVID happen imagine you're a senior in high school you're a senior in college you're about to graduate then you know you miss that big ceremony you miss the big prom or you know like you're or you're 88 and this is your last year on earth and you gotta spend it in a fucking wheelchair with a gas mask on completely agree our friend Jay Soutay he called us during the shutdown during pandemic I was like hey I'm gonna die in six weeks that's good point like Jesus Christ I mean it can't go see Pearl Jam or go on a slip and slide I mean he's on his way out and everyone shut down he's going hey guys I'm dying everyone goes hey I don't want to be with you you son of a bitch and that's the other thing and I hate to say this because this is gonna sound

a little insensitivo but whenever somebody dies or something else you go hey you heard Jeff died or you know Bob Bob for come died and they go uh COVID and they go nah you had a brain tumor you go man what are you gonna do all right right if you don't die at COVID nobody gives a shit and I I was saying this the other day I was talking to Derek about because we've we're fed up you gotta just come on come over like he said he's like even if you have COVID I don't care he's like you can be coughing with COVID I need to see you I need family here just come over here here here Thanksgiving be careful you're not gonna be able to see your parents but I call my parents and go hey what do you think I'm taking care I wear a mask I'm gay I'm just can I come they go we don't

give a fuck just come over here yeah I mean I don't want to speak to out of out of twister here but my cousin's getting married and I'm going to the wedding down in Baton Rouge Louisiana and my parents are like yeah we're all gonna go to the wedding but we're not going to that reception that's crazy and I'm like I'm going I want to have a drink I want a piece of cake I want to see my cousin get railed on the table like I'm going and they're like I don't know if you should go I don't know if it's gonna be mass people are gonna be dancing there's a band I'm like I'm going I'll get COVID I'll get it I'll get over it well that's fair see that I like that that's what we need the parents are old they're 85 you know he's got whatever long fingernails

whatever it is sure he's going hey I don't want to I don't want I can't risk it and you go hey I'm 37 I'll risk it that's how it should be working I think let's work it baby well it works if you work it speaking along I got a long ball and a limp dick but not anymore thanks to old blue chew folks Tuesday's story is brought to you by blue chew the first chewable dick pill while we're all stuck at home what's something we could all use a little more of human contact sure but also sweet sweet love making baby it's a stress reliever blue chew you'll be keeping your loved one at a healthy distance six inches away I wish I love blue chew I've used it a few few too many times I think I got hooked on this stuff I mean it's easy to chew I keep one in the pocket it

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get 20 off and free shipping when you use the code tuesdays at manscaped dot com that's manscaped dot com and use the promo code tuesdays plural just like your balls hopefully for 20 off your first order and always use the right tools for the job hitler had one ball is that right oh yeah that's why he was so angry he had to conquer the world he only had one testy and i think it had fucked with his mind well that's fine it's a funny line hitler had a ball ah that's good i like that he must add some good times out there at one point he was really kicking oh he was the king of the castle i mean he was all messed up he had his lady there he had his hair cut he had the charlie chaplain who had the stash first chaplain was mocking him or

he had it because of chaplain i believe hitler had it because of chaplain so chaplain was the first to do the the musty yeah i think chaplain was pre hitler he was big i mean he was the biggest star on the planet at that time and he was banging on 14 year olds and he wrote directed started and then scored the film he did everything yes man what a talent british jew yeah he was something else yeah he was big and that was back when you could bang a four i think he married a 14 year old and everybody's like yeah well you're charlie chaplain you do what you got to do yeah sure it was great i watched like his like oscar speech it was like a lifetime achievement it was really sweet he's like you're wonderful wonderful people when it was like oh wow this guy's great

in your mind you're like they're not so wonderful it's hollywood they're probably all pedophiles true but i think it was a different game back then it felt more arty like these guys are writing and performing and composing now it's just a bunch of hacks who who make transformers ah hate transformers i told you though that's woman who's the woman megan fox yeah i told you i read an interview she was like i like nerdy types i like unassuming funny nerdy types and i was like could i fuck megan fox is that it maybe maybe i mean you're the she's your marisa tome it could be right yeah i gotta go to la and snoop around just see you know just maybe flash her a smile show these this pet cemetery i got going on and see how she responds you know send her i hate myself and

see what goes down there you go there you go yeah yeah i wouldn't show her the smile just yet save that for later but uh plus with that that tiny mouth she's not going to see anything from a well we got a socially distance that's kind of nice ah the mask is good too love the bad one for you but with the mask i'm like a bald guy with hats it's like i'm like kistanza i gotta reveal it at some point that's true i mean also the mask it's funny how everything becomes sexual like i see a half a a lip over here it's like seeing side boob yeah it's pretty exciting these are these are fun times this is why i have hope not to go into covid talk but everything's shut down all of a sudden they got the oh i'm in yeah they got the the the

sidewalk spray painted the six feet apart thing we got the outdoor shows happening now they got the tents they built the restaurants in the thing we're adapting it's all it's all gravy yeah it's a bitch but you got to adapt it to survive that's kind of how uh how things go and some people won't adapt and you see them kind of fluffing off a little bit exactly so we'll see who knows by the way i just want to throw out the thing i don't believe in queuing on i said the hollywood's pedophiles it was a joke i felt like i didn't say it jokingly enough but let's be honest there's probably a couple pedophiles out there including oh yeah no doubt about it come on i think that's why you get into acting but isn't it where we've probably talked about this before and this is harry territory

but pedophilia i don't know if that's so harry and i mean it's it's very bold but there's like i'm not condoning marrying and fucking a 15 year old but there is a difference between a 15 year old like a six year old why i think pedophilia i think a guy with a kid on on his arm you know carrying a child and and and fucking a child completely agree i mean some people will fuck a two year old and then fucking a 16 year old that i mean that's like murder and and uh a punch in the shoulder yeah it's still a salt but it's a shoulder yeah well yes not a perfect analogy but i see where you're going i like where your head's at all right all right you know it's like murder and manslaughter it's like if you were driving and then somebody ran

in front of your car and you killed them and you're like you murdered them and you're like wow they ran in front of my well that's kind of putting the blame on the 15 year old that's no good yeah yeah all right i'm not sure about these analogies it's like stealing a million dollars versus stealing 20 bucks that's good that's good we're back yes let's say a hundred though just to you know again the teenagers you shouldn't be fucking teenagers let's call it a hundred bucks good point good point anybody can steal a 20 yeah exactly stealing a million bucks and stealing a hundred bucks both stealing but come on yes okay where we got it now all right pedos trying to be as politically correct politically incorrect at the same time as we can be here i

mean i've said it a million times but aren't you glad you're not attracted to little kids or teenagers i look at teenagers i'm like what are you shitting me this girl sucks right i want someone that's like 48 oh i love that louis got that great bit i wish he didn't but i like a woman that looks like she's been hit a few times you know falling down some stairs and really just giving up quite a bit completely agree like i used to rail these uh like old milfs on the road and they were like we'd finish they were like all right get out of here like skedaddle dickless i gotta watch matlock or whatever it was i was like all right you you got it patty no i've said it before i mean you go to like a college campus i love campuses i'm walking around college campuses i'm like i can't even

there's nothing sexual about these girls they're all twiggy they have no childbearing hips they look happy yes yeah they got a book bag on no tits they got braces and i know like a scooter get out of here they got a razor yeah so we're we're we're good we're grateful we're happy we're we're not we're cool we're good guys yes yes uh so i gotta tell you this little little tail i'm about to weave here so oh i get a call and i boy i fucked this one up and this might be what's the word uh confidential risk a what do you call when you're not supposed to say it uh on the shot uh fuck i don't know scary i don't think i'm supposed to talk about this oh so it's um taboo oh back to taboo good game maybe taboo is not it no i don't think it's taboo oh weird that's crazy look at this

oh interesting a do taboo what's that uh some girlfriend water bottle fuck i don't know what it is it's it's you know what i'm saying yeah it's um risky business uh complacent no all the right moves now different tom cruise uh not supposed to say it uh days of thunder out of no uh they say it in the courtroom oh um that's uh uh out of order i object sustained overruled come stains i don't know all right well it's um it'll go confidential maybe that's it secret it's confidential that's not bad confidential means that okay so this might be confidential but uh basically oh shelby's just texting maybe he's got the answer what do you got shelbo cord adjourned

he was his addict of the court thing cord adjourned means it's over yeah i think he's saying move on that was clever shelbo all right i think he's just got the wrong answer okay well maybe i'm giving him more juice than he's worth but so i do this gig and it's a pretty hefty gig this is a rich guy's birthday he's like a pharmacy big pharma guy you know a drug dealer basically millionaire guy his his dippy wife is like oh i'm gonna throw you a big birthday party and i'm gonna get some comedians to make you laugh and roast you and i'll pay him a bunch of money and i was like oh great i just said yes to the gig i got the email i said yes then my agent calls me and goes what the hell are you doing and i was like what what what he's like

you gotta tell us about these gigs and i'm like in my head i'm like why would i tell you then i have to give you commission but i wasn't trying to be nefarious or whatever you call it i was just trying to say yes to it i got a gig i said yes i don't know i didn't think about it okay okay what do you do there i'm like a goody two shoe i'm a rule guy i call my agent on every single i tell him about spots i'm doing yeah maybe i should have done it but the good agents they appreciate it and they go i'm not commissioning you on that you got it you're i mean if it's 25 000 or something but i also do a thing when someone reached out a gig i go you gotta talk to my agent and i put it on them my agent gets pissed that way i could just you know whatever

you're not worried about the 10 percent that's 10 percent is worth it to me because i don't have to deal with a bunch of messages sure no i i should have done that but i would just said holy i saw the the the number i said i'm in i just wrote back yeah i'm in that's it i didn't think about it but whatever it's fair so the agent calls and goes what the hell are you doing and i'm like oh i just said yeah i don't know and he's like you gotta loop me in on this shit and in my mind i'm like oh so you just want the money they could they contacted me and he's like no no no they were talking to me i told him what you're worth and then they went directly to you to save some money i was like ah so i could have gotten more right boy but i already said yes he's like just don't

don't let it happen again i was like i fucked up i'm sorry i'm an idiot and whatever so here's the gig they had they mapped up the whole itinerary show up at the pier it's this beautiful restaurant right on the pier in tribeca beautiful i can't imagine what this place cost to run out it's all glass is a fucking carousel and it's right on the water and drinks then chris de stefano does 40 wow dinner then dessert more drinks than i do 40 and then that's a wrap okay so crazy night i show up chris goes on at seven and i was like well i don't have to be there i don't go until 9 30 so i was like i'm getting there at nine or whatever i show up a little early chris is just getting off he's covered in sweat he's he's he's like he looks great you know he's a handsome guy but he's like oh

he's all jacked up because he just went on for 40 minutes and you know these aren't regular gigs you can't just do your act you gotta shuck and jive sure so he's telling me like oh man i'm so glad i did that that was great money blah blah and i'm like uh i'm i'm jealous that you're done and so they go here you go and i brought the lady we go upstairs they put us in a coat room but they gave us all the food we wanted they gave us all the drinks we wanted so we're just boozing and eating steak and crab and lobster and all this shit i'm in a suit and we can hear the people downstairs partying and dancing and i was like oh man this is gonna be wild so now it's been like an hour two hours i've been putting beers back you know she's drinking red wine i've

had 13 king crabs and we're just in this broom closet eating and talking and then finally they come get us they bring us downstairs and the wife goes ding ding ding ding ding everybody in the showroom they bring everybody in the showroom they're legless i mean these people are you know millionaires they're all in fur coats and tuxedos and the whole thing balloons everywhere and the spread they got a raw bar they got chocolate and all this fancy dessert big red velvet cake the whole thing and they go okay go on so i just go up there and the wife is like hot and old and fucking drunk and she's like we got a guy he was recommended highly the other guy we booked canceled so we got this guy mark norman and i go up but i'm like oh hey and it was tough i am eating

a bag of cheese up there 40 minutes and i'm kind of told the lady i was like light me at 30 just so i know where i am i'm dying i'm bombing i'm riffing it's one of those shows where you do your best stuff it gets like titters and then you go she loves anal right so are there 25 people there 300 people there give me give me an idea i'd say 16 oh 16 this is private event this is this is closed off i was thinking 40 50 16 that's i wish i wish and it was the guy's 55th birthday so you knew that like this this wife she set the whole thing up and she kept doing the what is it with older women where they see you then they see your girl they go like you're so lucky to have her she's way out of your league you're a piece of garbage she's beautiful you're like yes i know i know i'm an

idiot yeah i get it all the time i'm like she's quite flawed actually i know i know there's some serious problems that's when she's all over me touch me and even may later was like if you were a guy oh jeez if you were a girl and she was a guy this would be a lawsuit yeah there's a lot of that going around a lot of that but you know what are you gonna do i don't care i'm just saying like the roles were reversed but so she brings me up i eat my asshole for 20 minutes and i kind of get them then i lose them then i get them then i lose them and then i bombed at the end and i'm waiting for the light i'm like i must have been on stage an hour and a half nothing and then the lady goes all right wrap it up wrap it up like from the back and i was like done i get off to titters like oh

that was rough and i go to the to the girlfriend i go what the hell how much she was like he did 29 it's like jeez i felt like i was riffing i did all my act i did my old act i was talking to people in the front row 29 minutes i haven't done a gig like that i had that feeling in a long time but 40 minutes for 16 people even if they're hot yeah that's tough i mean 16 is not you don't want to do 40 for 16 people in any circumstance even if they were all if it was deaf comedy jam completely yeah it was so weird because it felt like the old days like you're in the broom closet you're wearing a suit you're uncompleted you know that feeling of like okay the money's great it's cool to be here i'm eating good food i've got a great glass of beer here but

i don't know what i'm in for i don't know if these people are gonna be nice i don't know if there's a good setup i don't know if there's a microphone i don't know if there's a stage i don't know if there's 10 people there's a hundred people i had no idea you just got to go with it it reminds me of a gig i did when i first moved to new york i got it from paul nardizzi great boston comic and he used to get these great gig he used that website gig master i don't know if you ever use that i've heard of it he was like the top rated gig master comedian this is for people that don't have agents they just do this sort of the vfw the kfc the you know knights of clumbus not kfc kfc kfc but anyways he had all these gigs and he got this gig i had just moved to new york

and it was a bachelor party at columbus circle in the steakhouse that's there i don't know if it was there anymore same thing private gig like 20 guys and i'm i'm so stupid at the time and i know it's like oh that was really nice of you but they paid a thousand bucks i got mike veccione to open i gave him 300 which was silly because i had no i was completely broke i had no job no nothing i just moved to new york city i should have given him 75 right spot pay it's a spot but in my mind i mean now it's funny because i've come back around to now i would do that that's the money i would pay now but now you have a little cheddar right i'd be like let me throw a bone to whoever right i probably do eight and two to be honest now if i'm being perfectly honest but any who that's fair

because i have 10 minutes 15 he did 10 and i did 20 they only wanted 30 minutes so they had some serious some serious cheese money cake yo yo so bananas so i went there i am veccione i had veccione open again and what i was trying to do is i wanted to get in with the the good guys the cool guys i could have used some joe schmo but i was like let me get the top guy who i want to be friends with he was a seller guy yeah exactly so i get veccione he goes up and just rips it and it's similar as much as you can rip it for 30 guys at a steakhouse all dudes and kills does his a he's just killing killing yeah and then the only reason i got him was to bring me up you want someone to introduce you ah so i'm like just bring me up so he says that's it for me and the guy the father of the

husband what do you call it what's the opposite groom groom the father the groom comes running up takes the mic from mic and now i'm losing my intro that's all i wanted it was a $300 intro i didn't even get the intro what happened what do you say so he says similar to your thing he goes that guy that's not even the guy we hired that's just some asshole and if that's not the guy we hired imagine how good the guy we're paying is right so he built it that way he built it as like that guy is just some dick that came along for the ride so he's like can you imagine what the headliner is going to be i mean buckle up folks here comes the granddaddy of them all and he gave me that kind of intro meanwhile it just murdered he was a better comic than me at the time so i

went up and just it was it was shit really bomb i don't want to say bomb but it was it was bad like it was one of those are afterwards vekyon was like no no you did well and i'm like but i was in the room for both sets yeah if the headliner does not as well as the opener that's a bomb yes yes even if he does even if he does well the headliner has to do better than the opener right right well it's interesting because chris d who i i love is there and he left so is that weird thing we're like one of the only cool parts about comedy not one of the only cool but one of the cool parts is you're with your buddy you're in the trenches you're you're both miserable you're both you know trying to figure it out and you get to i could could have watched his set but i got

there too late and then he saw me we hung out for a half hour then he left so i talked to a waiter this is where this is where it gets weird with comedy where you're like i need some information like i went to a waiter i was like how was the first guy what did he do because i don't want to step on his toes and he was like he made fun of the guy basically the whole time and it got weird he killed but it got weird at some points i was like okay i'm not doing that but it's it's not fun when you don't have the guy with you right right oh definitely and also it sucks that they're not you're not back to back he warms up he brings you up it would have been great exactly there's a momentum but excuse me the ice but yeah yeah it was it was tough it was a weird gig but the money

was great the check cleared the food was amazing and it's a story and uh i don't know it was cool for the the lady to to see what the hell where the hell this money comes from because she was like that was crazy i'm like i know this is this is it sister this is showbiz yeah it's weird when you get to that point where you get those gigs that pay so much money but they're so unpleasant i know i know and you know what else i noticed and this this sounds kind of uh demeaning but it was very fascinating to me that this lady this mom or wife of the rich guy she was put together cool you know nice looking lady but it was so kind of pandery like okay ding ding ding now we go for dinner okay now we all come in here and eat dessert and then we watch a show and then we'll have drinks

then we'll watch another show and you're like what are you nine it felt like we all had to like hold her hand okay yeah this is what you say she had to design this whole party so she had some validity in life i guess you know because probably this guy makes a million zillion dollars and she's like i do the fun stuff i plan things you know and you can totally feel that you know these are at 50 60 year old people who are like okay claire says we go in here now and it it felt like can't we just hang out i hate those people she's garfunkel to his simon you know it's a talent it's great it's nice but if she went solo it would be a real stinkeroo yeah and it was one of those things where she's that housewife being like oh god i put up with him i do look what look at this magical party i gave

him i you want to be like hey lady this guy would prefer to be at home now watching a hockey game in his pajamas he doesn't want to be here he's doing this for you and he could hire lady to do that an event planner i think that's a job that people have i believe it is an ep yeah i don't like that shit i don't like the thing of like first we're doing this then we're doing that and then we're doing this i revolt against it in general i'm like nah i'm gonna do something different i don't want to do that yeah well i want to have a beer over here and eat chocolates but it's not chocolate time it's dinner time i want a piece of chocolates gang that's why it's better to just set it up and say over here we have fried chickens that's the chocolate section this roller skating over there

if you want to roller skate we got a movie going over here this is the disco floor that's the you know anal bleaching is happening in the air and this is the orgy room sure take every the whole group from one room to the other you say there you go it's all out there it's all out there yeah but she had to plan and it had to be clockwork or else she was gonna have a conniption or a shit fit whatever you want to call it so it just it just felt very kidlike you know i remember when i was a kid my parents would have these dinner parties and get shit housed and i would come in and go i'm doing a play and they would all have to go oh jeez the fucking spastic kid with the wet underwear has to tell us a monologue about the simpsons and uh you could tell they hated it but

i was like they love me i'm a star you know that's what she felt like yeah i never was able to do that and this you know yeah i've seen that with it's like the kid's gonna sing now or whatever and you just go ah i'm good i i mean it's it's so larry david but it is a thing of like i'm maybe playing horseshoes let me know i'm sure it's yeah i know send me a dvd send me a youtube of the thing give the kids a great tap dancer youtube it send me the link i'll leave a nice comment and a thumbs up i can't sit here and watch a child tap dance on my birthday i know even now looking back as an as a 37 year old chew coos i still feel bad that i did that now you're a bad person and you should email some adults probably on the death bed by this

point and just say hey i'm really sorry because they're probably thinking about it they probably got one of those bags on the the wheels they breathe off of one of those an ivy colossal yeah 1987 you had to watch a kid you know pretend he was a rabbit or whatever the fuck it was and sorry about that also another sad thing this this could be an incorrect assumption but i think all this was paid for with his money i assume and we had one of those chatty waiters you know when the waiter comes up he's like oh it's good to be up here with the comedian i'll tell you you know nobody thinks i'm funny in the kitchen but you're like oh yeah i got it whatever and then he's like uh boy this raw bar this was 90 000 and it's like caviar he's like this tin of caviar is 10 grand i'm like why

he's like no one's touched it they got these party favors each one has a bottle of wine a bottle of champagne a bottle of this whatever in there and nobody's taking them home it's insane they the money they spent but it's a 55 year old birthday it's not even like a milestone right yeah we always talking about it's just a speed limit uh we all it's not even a speed limit anymore it's the old speed limit now it's 65 65 yeah some places it's 70 75 you know you're out west southwest 75 that's what it should be when you when you factor in the technology of a car yeah i guess so i mean it feels safe and i mean i do 75 it feels about right i mean that's what people are doing anyways yeah exactly i mean in the old days you do 75 your car is on fire it's

rattling you know the the the headboard is flopping in your face but now a car is just a centric and move baby oh yeah well mine can't it's in the shop still but uh i'm picking it up today oh if they're listening today if you're to you it's four days from now back we're back to where we started um well we gotta wrap this thing up here but uh i got some gigs this thursday i'm in middlefield connecticut at lineman orchards still an outdoor gig i guess they got heaters or whatever and next week i got two shows out in pennsylvania wednesday i think it's the 11th the 11th i'm in royersford back in royersford get those tickets please go to sol joel you've been there most of the people have been there so they must know how to get the tickets and then friday i'm in millersville

connecticut uh give that one a google i'll throw up a link or whatever give it a go because i don't have the website right in front of me because i i'm a bad businessman but millersville connecticut you can message me for the details i'll send it to you and uh um oh in november 28th i'm at in foxborough stadium that gig that uh gelette comedy what the fuck's that one call i don't have the link for that one either but i'll share it it's called uh it's in foxborough massachusetts that sounds amazing is that it's in a stadium it's not in the stadium there's a it's patriots place it's it's patriots place it's a little restaurant at the stadium and uh i don't know that's a gig that's an indoor gig november 28th two shows five and seven seven and nine i'm so bad at this but

check it out and uh i got a web series i'm shooting today with old dan hershawn putting that together so go check out the youtube subscribe i've been throwing up some videos some stupid fun shit there's a lot of funny shit on there so go check that out and most of you aren't subscribed because i got 70 000 listeners here i got 60 000 instagram and 60 000 twitter and fucking 3000 on youtube so go to the youtube right now and subscribe and uh fuck your mother in the ass and eat your dad's pussy hey you go hey hey this weekend hilarity's in cleveland come on out the cleave let's uh do it up we'll go to some slimans and some mama roses mama santas santas ah i had the wrong columbus ship then i'm at greenville comedy zone in greenville

one of the carolinas that should be interesting people people come out to that one apparently i had to move it for some covet reasons but we're doing it then i'm at phantom power in millersville pa that's where you're at that's nuts after thanksgiving on thanks uh in new orleans if you're in the big null of the big easy i'll be at a uh hell of a secret show on the 24th i only call the secret show because i can't think of where it is but tickets are moving so give that a goog new orleans norman the 24th of november then spokane maybe will open by then i don't know they close down its doors but it might be open by then helium and buffalo who knows but uh side splitters for new years so yeah a lot of fun stuff coming up i'm all over jersey city and all that

shit so uh check the stories check the twits check the day of the gram and check your head and your privilege and uh we'll see you next time and uh stay safe out there and in the big uh see yeah be be careful george is saying cut it great up got it praise i love patreon