Tuesdays with Stories! - #377 Seat Problem

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

We've got a great ep this week as Mark finally shows Joe his new ride before having some plane seat drama and half the comic have COVID. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy good to be here good to be back good to be gay what's shaking fat man not too much I feel like I just saw you and we did the bonus a couple days ago that was a fun hot bonus get on the patreon by the way we hit the 35

hundred oh we got a 69 on camera that's right that was that was my idea and I'm into it I'm up for it yet Shelby keeps saying no to us fucking each other on a live stream but I don't know I think it's a little homophobic I think we should fuck hard in the ass coming each other's hair yes that's right give me a something about about Mary and Shelby doesn't know what's what I think that's what the people are into oh they love it so what are we gonna do we're gonna do a live not gotta we get to we get to do a live streaming show for the patrons yes and you don't have to be a patron as of today you can get on there before then

so if you want a live show the chat room and the whole thing it's gonna be really something or it'll be a great big nightmare we'll just ruin it not know how to do it and that'll be fun too yeah yeah I don't know I think I think you can't lose even if it's a nightmare it'll be a shit show it'll be a train wreck where you have to pull over and go hey look at that it's it's horrifying but I can't turn away do you pull over on a train wreck all the cars pull over you're saying yeah yeah yeah ain't off the train is next to the highway you can pull over take a break I love that that train crash in the

fugitive which they actually made it was real shot that oh really I always thought when I watch that movie I know about the train crash is real in the truck and so I think they really put some extended screen time on there yeah they show a helicopter they show it four different ways they stay there and I think it was like hey we did all this work let's just really really show it let's enjoy it yeah let's soak it in I told you about the famous streetcar epidemic of Benjamin Button no I don't think so I love Benjamin Button do you really nobody likes I'm a Benjamin Button guy I'm a sucker for I like I'm a softy anything with like

a piano and a filter and a guy crying I mean there's a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense in the movie to me sure it's flawed don't get me wrong oh yeah you know gleaming the cube but it's pretty good gleaming the cube that's a skateboard classic but so I was fancy myself a moviequeef back in the those days and I went to film school and you know blew my ant but Benjamin Button was coming to town I was back when back when remember other cities were dabbling in the movie but like Atlanta New Orleans and Toronto was like hey Hollywood's gone jizzy let's go let's go out out west and see what's or out north or east and

south and see what's out there and make me cut some some deals on a on a tax exempt with the movie biz so New Orleans was flooded with movies and Benjamin Button shot a big chunk there and I got to be a PA production assistant and I know you know did you ever do that no never did it but I've walked by people with headsets that said hey you can't walk through here so I know a little bit about it that was me I was that douche everybody hated me we all did get over the the walk it says walk up up and then you have to go up up sorry sir and the guy goes I lived I've lived here for 40 years you come guzzling douche and I'm

like I know but we're shooting Brad Pitt's in there he's like oh but we were shooting and it was right after Katrina so the city needed money the city was in Hock and the streetcars weren't running because it was all electrical and all out of whack and they put together a streetcar the first time in months it was a big deal they paid all this money hundreds and hundreds of thousand dollars getting the streetcar and they're like it was like classic out of a movie they go we've got one take with this thing this is our whole budget on this streetcar going from this block to this block we got one take and everybody's like oh my

god the streetcars running again movie magic Hollywood's in town streetcar goes down I can see David Fincher in the director's chair with a clipboard and a headset and you know the AD does all the work and he goes action streetcar goes the whole crew's going oh geez we're all high five with each other streetcar goes down Brad Pitt jumps on the little weird midget troll mutant thing whatever the little guy is he jumps off they high five they got it they nailed it they go champagne pops that's a wrap one guy goes ah shit there wasn't any film in the camera Fincher takes his hat off he throws it on the ground he steps on it

because he'll never working this down again he threw his coffee in his face and they ship the guy back to Hollywood oh my god so did they they is the scene not in the movie or would they have to spend oh go over budget or what happened and they went over budget they had an extension on the shoot shot three weeks later I never saw anything of it because I had moved on by then but I was fired by that point but yeah they redid it but it took a whole another you know they had a mortgage a house and all this well it's a hell of a picture and I mean my god I mean it's fun to get the you'll never work in this town again and I picture

myself being that guy and being like you mean Hollywood or New Orleans and then he's like get out of here like okay okay and then he skirts away you know because yeah so the whole thing you know comment I'm 22 years old like oh my god this is crazy you know because you're I'm always the fuck up so I can see another guy fuck up and and the idea of not putting film on a camera is so funny it's so old-fashioned great times wow I love I watched a thing about Batman dark night the second the second no fucking fourth Batman yeah the whatever Batman the Nolan you know Heath Ledger Batman they flip the truck the 18

wheeler yes and there was an Instagram thing I'll find it and I don't know tweet it or something they did a whole Instagram like mini film about that because they really flipped the truck again no CGI and they had like a big dick in the middle of the truck that just went like and they shout out like a fucking like like that cattle prod they are not the cattle prod but the thing that from no country with it no country yeah what is yeah so is that a prod that's how you kill the cattle it's I know a broadcast it's it it shoots into the brain and comes back before the thing knows what hit him or whatever but I

think a cattle prod is electric yeah that's the prod that's the prod this is a I think it's a gun bolt bolt cutter it's something bolty yeah Michael Bolton bolt bolt bus bang bus I don't know either way I know you're talking about it shoots it in the brain it ends it quick yeah Thunderbolt and Lightfoot but that's what they had and so the truck is moving they had nine cameras on it they ended up using two shots it's fascinating though they got Nolan out there and the whole thing and these big filmmakers are so fascinating the idea of shooting a 300 million dollar movie is and you're in charge of the whole thing and you have a

water tank coming and a fight the whole thing it's it's wild to think but they pulled it off the truck looks awesome and then they just take out the the pipe thing to make it look real it's a hell of a hell of a stunt film movie magic they go all out they do all this shit you would never do in real life and just for one scene it's kind of it's kind of cool how how important movies are to people were like I know we're gonna blow up half a city block here but it's for a movie and you go okay it's for a movie yeah I always like how much goes into entertaining people I mean even way back seven thousand years ago that they build the

theater and the auditorium they're like well people got to enjoy themselves you can't as Seinfeld said on comedian cards like you can't just stare at a wall that's no kind of life it's true yeah I remember they in an article 38 years ago they said Larry David you got eight zillion dollars you got the best sitcom of all time you're on your fifth season of curve why would you do another one he goes hey you got to get out of the house and I remember like oh that's a great answer yeah I always think that too with athletes well they'll say you've won three MVPs you've won four championships what do you have to prove and I always just

think on behalf of the athlete you're like I like playing yes what are you talking about like I mean you think about it with comedy I mean obviously we need money still I'm not exactly retired here but sure the idea of like you've done a bunch of late nights you have a special the whole thing you're like I like telling jokes yeah just the way I did before I mean that's why LeBron was playing hoops when he was in fucking second grade or whatever exactly I never got that and people always I don't know if you get we both do a bunch of late nights and everybody's like why do you do that nobody sees them and it's so much

pressure it's so much work it's so much prep that's fun you put a suit on you go to 30 rock you tap dance it up yeah you high five some people and you get a you get a drink yeah I can't stand we talked about it a long time ago I think it was Rogan somebody was on Rogan yeah who was that I remember sending it to you and be like fuck these guys yeah who was it it was like Russell Peters or Louie or Chappelle maybe it was Chappelle I don't think he did it I think you just did it for the first time who was that rock no I remember sending it and being like fuck these guys yes oh I know it was Carmichael yes that's right I think we

talked about it on the show it was Carmichael yeah because I was just realizing it was somebody new or they're like it's a waste of time they make you be somebody else they cut your act the whole thing and you're like first of all I don't have a sitcom and a fucking a deal exactly second one it's fun I like it I tried maybe I think maybe my dad'll love me if he sees it you know it's fun to go shopping it's classic and as Leno said so well you're the only thing on the network for that five minutes that's amazing that's true think about NBC I mean before if you turned on NBC in September of 95 you're watching the K

man come through and make TV magic and now for this five minutes it's all a little dick list out there going hell I'm nervous or whatever I mean it's amazing amazing it's incredible and and not to push the point even further and be a douche but that second tonight show I did Seinfeld saw it and goes who's this guy so how do you like that if I'd never done it he would have never seen me it unless it was on like you know to catch a predator or something that's a I mean that that that alone you're like someone might see me in a suit watching the thing exactly and and look we do this all day where we go hey you know

Andrew Schultz's podcast gets more views than Colbert or whatever but maybe it does but if you tell people I was on the tonight show it still has a little twinkle in your asshole and you turn your head and cough and you go how about that guy's been on tonight show even though nobody watches it nobody gives a fuck it still has a little bit of weight that and also how about this so this show is done very well we've done we've been on the air for on whatever the air whatever the fuck it's called the airwaves the computer whatever bullshit in your phone for nine years here we've done 5,000 episodes and it's nice and

there's 80,000 people listening which is crazy yeah but I got my I have no pants on I just shaved my pubes eight minutes I'm talking to you on a screen I'm sitting on the couch on a Sunday this doesn't feel like anything right I'm grateful for the fans and we're giving it our all and whatever the fuck I love you and I hope you're you know you live till a hundred and your tits grow or whatever the fuck sure but this doesn't this doesn't feel like a thing yeah the tonight show I'm at Bloomingdale's I got a guy measuring my leg for some reason and I I fly to LA or whatever and you're nervous I'm not nervous I'm just

sitting here chatting with you yeah exactly but there's a beauty to both worlds and why can't we do both why can't we dabbling here and dabbling there we're by by dabbles I love dabbling and speaking of dabbling this is my ad transition oh yes I figure well well it will do one here because I want to talk about feels CBD a little dabble do you of feels CBD do you experience stress or anxiety if you've done a late night you have you're human by the way it's very human to have anxiety we all have it at some point maybe you have chronic pain by the way I'm 38 I got pains shooting up my ass all the time no pain or maybe

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it's just a delightful product and they'll deliver it right to your doorstep feels naturally helps reduce stress anxiety pain and sleeplessness that's what it helped me with and it's easy to take few drops under the tongue I put it in my tea whatever I know you love this stuff tell them a little more big fan of the feels I can't sleep I have to do the CBD every night I'm on a nightly now because if I don't take it I I wake up at 5 a.m. with a Vietnam flashback and I want to kill myself so you got to do it you got to get on the membership that's what I do join the feels community get feels delivered to your door every month

you'll save money on every order feels has me feeling my best every day and it can help you to become a member today by going to feels dot com slash Tuesday's and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping wow that's a FE ALS dot com slash Tuesday's to become a member get your 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping one more time feels dot com slash Tuesday's and feel better but just real quick to wrap up what we were talking about there yeah even doing the specials we do ours we did our specials on our own and it felt rock and roll and and we just shot it on our own and did it but even that

you still kind of miss the truck and the suits and the state that they have this they shoot the smoke or the state whatever the fuck it is and point and there's an audience person Samantha's seat and everybody and yelling at everyone and it there's fun to have the truck with the big wires going into the venue and and not having that it does feel rock and roll and do it yourself and all that shit which was amazing and I'm grateful by the way check it out I hate myself on YouTube yeah and but still it doesn't quite have that feeling of like when you get the email with the date and like here's the deal here's the numbers all

that stuff it does take away I like shooting a special in a with with the network that's true I mean I hate to hate to you know jizz on our own brigade but there's something fun about industry industry is the ultimate compliment because you go do your shoot and there's eight guys in cargo shorts with a with bad facial hair and a bandana you know lugging in wires and moving scaffolding and you go those guys have a job because I'm telling jokes isn't that weird and that's a huge compliment that all this infrastructure is because of me and my yucks so that's why the tonight show feels so good and that's why

we get so bitter when these come guzzling dweebs won't book us on you know Hulu or whatever the hell because the tonight show feels good because you were chosen and they trust you to tell quality enough shit that they can put it on their channel that's kind of nice it's pretty amazing we were just talking about Sarah and I read before these some of these bookers and industry type people some of them suck some of them are great but I was just talking about that with JP who books Conan we're at rest in peace Conan by the way so weird I know we could talk about that another another another day but JP I remember that it

was the booker of that show he'd just be like I'd be like I want to add this joke he's like yeah whatever you think it's your set I don't know to earn that trust early on you don't have that but when they go yeah yeah put together a set and shoot it up my ass and see if I come and and they usually come and let you you know fuck them in the ass that really kind of fell off there that analogy but well it's funny when we get to the point where fucking someone in the ass is falling off like oh boy we really got bland at the end there just the anal but yeah that that feels good it's almost like the like a specials like the

Olympics and we're setting a record on our own with our YouTube or whatever it is but it's gotta be nice to be part of the Olympics you know it's the it's the fucking the torch and the their special needs and you know the Asians the whole thing yeah the Olympics are fun they got the big flame they carry around and Ali shakes and all that stuff and you know yeah you don't want him with a match that'll let a flag on fire next thing you know Beijing's a fucking ashtray I feel bad though by the way that that the 96 Olympics with Ali the whole time I was like get him out of here it's fucking me up I feel terrible for the guy

he's just up there like I know what's next you have Michael J. Fox a fucking chainsaw this is risky I'm like I'm not inspired I feel terrible I'm glad he's enjoying himself but he just looks like a kook out there and everyone's like this is the greatest moment in history and I'm like all right put him away and send out you know I don't know who's another Olympian Lou Gaines like Owens Lou Gaines he had the other hiv I believe oh yeah he hit his head Mario Lopez played him and made for TV movie yeah I can't imagine was good big gay big diver big big AIDS by the way spike Owens was the shortstop on the 86 red

spike oh where'd you get that was he an Olympian maybe I don't think so he was traded from the Mariners early in the 86 season this is for eight people that are like at home shitting them he's like he's talking about spike oh it's crazy I'll get three tweets the people that came by the way who's got the best names in the world by the way group wise jazz musicians you know it's like bleeding gums asshole and you know bloody cadaver dot Johnson then you got blue singers then you got a baseball players you know it's like buzzy jizz and a Queen Queen Malaney or whatever and then you got who's another golfers too

golfers of great names it's like you know dickless bill and shula's anal and all this shit I think you're thinking of cowboys mmm dickless bill sounds like an old West character well this Billy the fag or what is one of those I can't think of a buffalo bill shit I get the jerk off Don I don't know but I feel like golfers blues and baseball have the best names I was listening to a jazz I'm over here I don't want to be a big queef over here oh god Shelby's texting oh catfish hunter that's a fun baseball player with the most there you go all right show boys I had no idea Shelby's even heard of baseball but or us good Paul good

Shelby I can't believe he's listening I know um Joker wait what was I just gonna say oh last night I'm gonna sound like such a douche but I had the night off last night Sarah was out you know fucking somebody I don't know what she does but I'm here watching TV you know that feeling where you're like I've just watched too much TV I'm clicking yes and so I killed the TV and I sat in I'm reading on the road the Karowak book that I always pretended to have read and they're talking about jazz music so I put on some jazz and he mentions this guy by name you ever hear this this cunt George Sebring I have her a sebring good

car shearing shearing George shearing I know Harry shearer oh he's fantastic oh yeah handsome Dan well anyways this guy George shear I threw him on he's a piano player and he's boop boop boop boopin wait and I not Ed Sheeran no no no he's a new guy I saw him at a club remember that story that was in Dublin invite only it was me and a bunch of teenagers oh that's right he's a pasty chunky ginger yeah he's like Nate Macintosh he looks a little bit like Nate Macintosh I think yeah maybe Nate was hungover and floating in a river for a week yeah he's not it's not good shearing no wrong you know Nate's not

exactly a sex symbol himself but that's true as well he's more of a he's kind of a muppet he's better looking than shearing by the way way better Nate Macintosh had a bit that bird did on his monologue that's right way before it it's it's a great bit and I felt for him because no one's gonna go a bird obviously neither one of them took it I know and they're both pale redheads who do comedy so they're gonna give it to Burr but Nate it's a funny guy great comic and yeah he was doing that bit before but but also I don't I don't watch all burrs sets he might have been doing it at the you know the funny bone

in whatever but my point is I feel for Macintosh great bit yeah but so last night I'm sitting here I got my feet up I'm listening to some jazz I'm reading on the road I feel like a real douche I wanted a pipe and Sarah came home and she's like what are you doing with your life I had a candle going it was quite delightful all right well don't you feel like I don't know what it is I'm watching TV and I have the same thing I'm like I got to do something with my life you're such a lazy douche but I start reading and I'm like well this is pointless too I have exactly that that's my whole life is questioning every

decision I'm like I'm watching I'm watching Goodfellas again right and then I'm like I should watch something new and I start watching that I'm like this movie sucks and I'm like I'll read and then I'm reading I'm like well I should just be watching Goodfellas you just why not I was enjoying watching the thing but do you have this I always picture this maybe we already talked about this fuck me hard I picture a whole stadium of people watching me in my living room going now what an idiot look at him same thing I have the same thing I just pictured five thousand every person I've ever met in my life being like good

fellas again what a piece of shit I mean I've said this before I'll queef it again I every time I'm in a dressing room at Macy's I'm putting some leather pants on and high heels and all my friends from high school go you think you can pull that off you come guzzling chuch what are you crazy you dumb fat queer you can't pull that off where'd you get that leather jacket nice zippers that's why I gotta wear a leather jacket on a podcast with you just so I can get it get it over with I've by the way I've never we've talked about this too I'm sorry I'm sorry everybody I hate myself but I've never changed style you pull up

a photo of me in 1988 I'm wearing a fucking red socks t-shirt a pair of jeans that are too short and a pair of Reeboks and I switched to new balance because they're better for my plan of fascinitis but other than that I'm wearing the same pants I wore when I was nine the only you had the same haircut it might have been a little longer when I met you but that was the 90s and things were different there was no internet and and God hated fags but I will say you change your frames that's the only thing I've noticed got new frames and by the way my career took off my manager I remember is resenting her

but at the time she was like you need new glasses and I was like what kind of cut tells a guy needs new glasses these were hand-wired and bent in the factory and that you know they had all the crust on them the yellow and the snot and the shit I changed them three days later I was on Letterman so I gotta I gotta eat her out next time I see her she was right those frames look like something out of a out of a serial killer's twat I don't know where you got them I don't know what you did with them I hope they're in a ditch in Biloxi but you know what I've never seen you do you've had glasses for 48 years I've never seen you take them

off and do this number you know that move are you clean I've never seen you clean those once now let me tell you let me ask you this where do you stand on this because one time I was on a plane with a private of the private variety yes with the group of comics and one of them was a female and she was sitting across from me and she goes can I do something and she took my glasses off and cleaned them and I wanted to kick her right in the twat and throw her out of the fucking airplane I don't like it the other guy I was with was like that's sexy that's hot that would turn me on if someone did that and I'm like to

me it was like hey I don't like your face I'm gonna change it yeah so but sounds like you're on my team here I don't well first of all I don't these are on your on your mug there that's a that's a private area and so just to lift that off is a bit of a reach and then to clean them and then put them back without asking I don't care for it you know that's that's like somebody putting their finger in your nose and going hold on you got a little bug there I don't care for that and I think she overstepped and I think she should be killed I feel the same way it's like it's like if she was wearing a dress and

I saw her little panty triangle and said hey you got a little stain there I pulled him out ringed him out drank him which is a fantasy of mine and then put him back on you know that would be hot but inappropriate yeah I agree I don't care for it it's I had a friend he would go up to this is in high school he would go up to girls at a bar and he was he could undo a bra strap with one hand and all the girls would like yell at him and throw drinks on him but he was really good at it and it to me it's very similar like he didn't ask she didn't ask I know she's trying to help you but I don't know I don't care for that and I

feel like glasses get a bad rap people do the whole like hey can I try them on whoa you're blind as it do showly hell what are you gay you know and that's a little insulting I agree and it's not it's not easy you know wearing glasses but those old glasses were shit and it's just like we talk about with the cargo shorts nobody tells you that wire frames are gay until it's too late when they go what are you doing with those glasses your piece of shit nobody emailed me to say hey we switched to these fucking things I know I guess but you got to go just by sight like I don't see anybody wearing jeans shorts anymore so I go

alright I guess those are out but in Europe they're huge they got tight jeans shorts but then you that's how you identify the Europe's I don't know what the fuck's going on but I'm sticking with the hoodie the jeans and the new balance and these filthy glasses yeah Europe's all over the place I play a game of foreign or gay I can't tell if that guy's got capri pants or if he's a if he's in a you know a gay band or I don't know what's going on the same with same with southern you go down to South Carolina some guys wearing a seersucker suit with the tidy daisy dukes on and a pencil then mustache and

I'm like is he the mayor is he a homosexual I don't know I agree I mean Lindsey Graham if that guy's not gay then I'm I'm African American I don't know what's going on with that fella well that's the gayest man I've ever seen that his name's Lindsay yeah they're sucking on a mint jewel up with a tiny straw and they their names are Lindsay Shelley Sandy Ashley these are Ben's names in the south yeah Sam yeah there you go Sambo well I gotta I gotta get this off my panties here if I don't if I don't mind so you talk about sitting watching TV and hating yourself so I was sitting at home and I'm leaving for

New Orleans on Wednesday it's Tuesday night the lady went down to Beantown so I had the place to myself and I'm just like oh I got the place myself I'll watch some TV and it's you know five got a show at eight with you or a show maybe you'll pop in at canner's at the 13th step beautiful night in New York the chilly 60 degrees and I go alright I got three hours to kill before my show and I was watching TV and I was fat and I had a beer in my hand and I go what am I doing and I put on I like a little self-help Jew every now and then so I'll throw on a self-help but one guy was like what are you doing it was like the

movies where the TV's talking to you he's like what are you doing you loser you're sitting down you should be out living go live your life what do all these people sit at home and I'm like oh my god he's right so I said well you know what I own a car I'm gonna go down to the garage get my car out my 1973 beamer and drive around the city for three full hours and then go to my show in it hell yeah I just went to the garage and I said I'll take the beamer please and the guy goes oh old smoky huh he was this old black guy I go yeah yeah it's smoky shut up I hate you and he's like no I love that car is like I would take that car for any

car in here and this is the village and it's other but Jags and Benzes and Maserati's and whatnot so he pulls it out it's smoking it's barely running you know and we pulled out I pulled out I had to learn stick all over again I drove it all over town with the windows down at the best out of my life wow it's that's fine you're Costanza you're Costanza and little barren cruise it around I love it I got John Voigt's car I got a pencil in my mouth and I'm driving around now this is where I'm gonna really get get a little little clammy and it's gonna make you uncomfortable oh boy I'm always uncomfortable anyways I've

been day drinking but that's neither here nor there so I pulled up to 13 step it's my first show of the night I got a parking spot right on second Avenue and you know I'm rolling the window up it takes 20 minutes because it's the old fashioned one and you know a couple people go by hey nice car oh 2002 what is that a 74 73 all right you know lock the door you're riding a girls bike I walk over to 13 step and I see you and you go hey you got the car here and I got the car here like what let's go see the car which I'm not used to that you know nobody has done that to me in my whole life anything I've gotten into nobody

gave a fuck my parents you know you know when you tell for your friends you doing comedy like why would you do comedy does it pay like now I'm doing an open mic they're like why when do you get out of it I'm like I don't know it's I try I'm trying it I don't know so then you got to move to New York but so you were into the car so I couldn't believe you wanted to see it and I was ecstatic showing it to you and I couldn't even get words out you're like well how does this is this the original rate I'm like it is it is the original radio and look at this and look at that and I was like let me start it up I was so excited I

was like a kid with a red rider gun I couldn't even I couldn't even take that you were interested in it I'm very interested first of all you just froze which is a nightmare right in the good right in the good right when the dick was throbbing and the load was about to hit the back of my throat you froze I hit my shoe Eric put it out with his big shoe yeah no well it was exciting what the best part was they were like you had to leave and then canner's like you're next and I was like well I got to go see this car and then we got to jog down the street like when Harry met Sally which was really fun yes I'll have what I was

having it was a little annoying because I came back and I had been bumped by by Louie and I could have just spent more time I could have gone for a cruise around but I'm dying to see more I want to get in that thing and I'm happy to play that role but these these poor parents they they stink they stink I got more on that later but yeah they're the worst and and but look you get used to it you just go why it's my car I like the car why would they care about the car it's not their car but you think you can fake it a little bit for your pride and joy every now and then but hey I get it but you know they don't give a shit but

you cared and you seem genuinely interested you know some people will feign a little interesting oh that's cool what is that a blue you go that's red they go I look blue to me and you all right I'll see you later but you you actually seem to be interested I couldn't believe it well it was fun I'm very interested I can't wait to ride the thing I mean I love I like cars I'm not a big car guy but I like history I like that that car came off the the plant or out of the plant or whatever the fuck Robert plant yes but and somebody was in there it was their hopes and dreams that whole thing someone was sitting in

there the sting one best picture you know what I mean I mean it's just exciting that that car has been around for years and somebody drove it to go see the you know Godfather part two and cuckoo's nest or whatever it is yes and it's around plus it's like it's just fun I'm like let's get in this let's cruise around and I just got a car and the feeling of having a car is like I get what springsteen has been talking about it is this this beacon of hope and love I get in my car I got just a whatever center but the feeling of getting in there and you got your tunes going and you're in this little cocoon yes and

you could take you anywhere it's so exciting and that car particularly got that steel bumper on there and the back seats are a joke you couldn't even fit anyone in there and the old seatbelt the radio it's it's very exciting and it maybe want to get a classic car I'm like maybe I'll get an old Camino and we'll fucking it will you know we'll raise up the west side highway and fuck yes I mean that that back seat is a joke you couldn't get a Vita in there a dead hooker a Brad a Brad Williams wouldn't fit back there but the beauty it's like you said with the the metal bumper cars used to be kind of works of art back in

the day like you designed like some guy designed a car in Germany some guy named Wolf dickless and he designed it and they never worried about safety or regulations or airbags or whatever crumple zones you know it was just this is a cool looking machine and we're gonna make it efficient and fast and fun and now it's like hey you got to get a Honda with the with a baby seat and a fender bender and all this you know rear view mirrors and stuff but back then it was just like this art thing and it's almost like comedy you could do what you wanted you know and it was just like this is this cool piece that you like this you

buy it this is your art thing you get the whiz down the street in this it's almost like buying a piece of furniture that looks cool you know and now it's all about hey this gets you from A to B and it's it's maroon and it looks like ass but no offense but hey just describe my car why don't I don't mean maroon I mean it just it just like here's some tan thing with four wheels and and an 8 track player and it'll get you home but this thing it's that's why I like the old cars because it's got a little zest it's got some life in it it's like an old movie now a movie's like oh here's the Avengers part 38 we're trying to

sell some tickets here you know but this thing is like here's mean streets on wheels it's a hell of a ride and that's the same year mean streets came out and great great car very exciting I was excited to see it and I wish I had more time that was the only regret I had to jog back and like I said I had 15 more minutes that I realized which was annoying but that's the way it goes in comedy but no it was exciting and I wanted to get in that thing and go for a spin around the block and it's all very exciting and that was a fun night because I was getting this real quick and I know we got to get to some of our other

sponsors here but yeah that was a fun night because I went to the I was supposed to be at the stand they'd have that outdoor show on the sidewalk and then the seller has been doing you can have dinner it's a restaurant and every once in a while a comic will get up there and tell a couple jokes there sure and so I was like I'm gonna go to the seller have dinner do a set there and then go across town to the stand yeah so I drove in my piece of shit maroon bullshit and just kidding so I drove I drove in on once I parked it I parked far away because I just take the first spot I don't mind walking so I see a spot I

park and I had a fun exchange by the way just real quick I'm parking and there's a red light so all these car everything's one way in New York and all the cars are backed up and so I'm trying to park but there's like a big UPS truck here so I can't parallel because I'm gonna hit the UPS so I'm waiting for those cars to leave so I could start parallel parking yeah and this bicycle list I'm in the bike lane I'm blocking the bike lane and this bicyclist comes up next to me goes really and so I rolled down the window and I said I'm sorry I'm gonna take the spot I got a parallel park but I can't move until this guy

moves and I apologize and I'm blocking the bike lane and he went to fair enough and then I rolled the window back up and it felt good it felt like one step in the direction that our humanity needs to go yeah you don't see that anymore that's rare that the I understand and I I'm okay with it well my instinct is to be like fuck you fuck your mother you can see I'm parking it's hard to park get off your bike you fucking loser who rides a bike you piece of shit and his his instinct was to do the really yeah and I just explained the situation I'm like I feel bad I'm blocking the bike lane that sucks for you I'm sure you were

cruising you wish you were going if you follow the rules properly you'll be at a red light and 14 feet anyways right these cyclists don't stop at red lights that's true and it's also kind of like when people comment something mean on your Twitter on your YouTube and you go geez man I really hurt my feelings and then they write back like I'm so sorry I live with my mom I'm a virgin I can't get it up but I can't throw a football I hate myself and you go all right it's cool I get it yeah it's a good feeling we got we got we got to try to take baby steps in the right direction so that was a nice exchange anyways I parked the car

as I'm walking to the the cellar or the olive tree I get a text saying hey stand as cancel tonight no reservations it's a cold night whatever chilly night and I go oh well whatever I get to the cellar and it reminded me the old days the early days of comedy because it was a bunch of comics Eric Newman Louis met me over there Ryan Reese Nick Griffin no women no minorities and we're all just there at the table because it's show up and see if it was a show kind of thing it's not booked anymore it's not a lineup right there's no booker by the way when there's no booker it's all just white dudes that show up I don't want to

say it but yes love of the game it's just five straight white guys with nowhere else to be but so we're sitting there and there's literally zero people because we're locking down again it's a cold night so we all sat there we talk comedy we talk movies and everyone's going that movie sucks that movie is great whatever and finally everyone just go all right well there's no show here stands canceled and everyone goes I'm gonna go to tiny cupboard I'm gonna go to the peach fuzz I'm gonna go to your mother's twat yeah and I go hey 13th step the show we did last I had done it the week before which I think I talked

about last week I said hey they got a show I said let's go over there so we finished eating Louis and I walked to my car jumped in the car drove over to second I got a spot right behind your car and that's where I bumped into you but it reminded me of the early days of comedy where you all show up at the creek or an open mic or a bar show and we go nobody showed up and everyone goes I'm gonna try this place everyone kind of dispersed to a different place to go we got to get up somewhere I have the mindset of going on so we all dispersed went to the 13th step I ate shit and that was it did you really they weren't

good while I went after really die up there I went after Louis and he did well so that was a thing and I was fine I was doing all new and I kind of self sabotage Louis told me all about how I ruined my own set for a while I'd like to hear that another day but yeah that that show is all right that was a great night I did three sets that night with the car and you're right it felt like old times and they're all indoor and everybody was into it and full the full full crowds so I don't know what what to believe you read Twitter at the walls are bleeding and then you go outside and the birds are chirping well I'll just say

this real quick got the call today one of the guys I was with at the cellar that night has COVID now and I heard of two other people and they're in the scene that also have it so be careful out there because it is starting to it's starting to you know take a dump on our chest so yeah it's a little careful be easy yeah and I think the guy that got it he got it later and I didn't say his name purposefully here but somebody over there had it but we're all fine I don't know but anyways take a walk outside alone and put your headphones in it because that's all you can do about now if you're trying to avoid the vid to the stories

brought to you by Ray Khan and I've gone full into Ray Khan I always dabbled with them and I enjoyed them but I'm listening to Ray Khan every night I use them I go to bed with them you can put one in you can put the other one in you're gonna be listening to both or one at a time that there's so much more advanced than the others I love Ray Khan the sound quality is great you can adjust it just with a button you can you can stop it you can start it you can fast forward you can rewind you can lower the volume raise the volume just with the click on the actual air pod they're pretty great gonna be good as a gift we got the holidays

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new merch situation and my god I mean Shelby did some some research and he really dug deep in there and we found a hell of a new merch store all new merch is up at T public the link is in the description of this episode we got two classic designs and four new ones designed by Tuesdays artist designers more designs coming in the future by the way this is no one-trick pony and they got mugs fucking shot glasses maybe masks everything with stickers so go in there and get some yeah magnets I love them we have a collection on the fridge ah magnet school yeah I love them all shirt designs can be all it could be put

on anything and the designs and shipping methods are 100% better than the ones we had before we were all over the road we were going through Target and Apple and Amazon and Grindr you name it so we got our ducks in a row our you know stuff is all in order check it out and I believe a lot of these are designed by gays themselves so yeah all gay design made for the people by the gay people and you're gonna love it and if they don't sell we'll get rid of it and what if you got a new one send that in if that one's hot we'll throw it on there and the whole thing is lunch so get on board folks yeah we got some cleaner ones because we got

some complaints about people didn't want a rainbow shirt and a queef shirt and you know a bag of jizz shirts so we cleaned it up we tightened it we used the landscape to clean our bushes and it's a hell of a hell of a situation so get yourself some t-shirts good gift to give your you know your aunt or whatever yeah these gays are creative and artistic I'm very impressed I didn't know that the gays were so so good with a pencil or a or a paint or a what do you call it Photoshop you name it I don't know but we got the best fans in the biz I mean we really do it yeah good eggs big big gays out there high five to you you're all a

bunch of chuches and I got to tell you about this interaction I had you mentioned the weirdo with the bike lane what about this I got on a flight last week back home you know the planes are empty it's the best time to travel in a pandemic I know I'm a super spreader but hey you got to pay the bills keep the lights on I got 14 apartments two vehicles and a and a to pay but I get on a flight I got the whole row I'm sitting on the aisle seat I'm feeling good I'm pretending to read my book Karowak it's a Hasidic Jew lady comes down the aisle and she looks at me and she goes huh is this your seat and I look at my ticket I look

up at the doohickey on the on the overhead I go 11f and she goes I was told I had the full row and I go well this is my seat and she goes well they said I have the full row and I go well they lied dear and she angrily brushed past me sat in the window seat and said I don't understand why they would tell me I have the full row and she was giving me attitude and I'm like I don't know what to tell you take it up with him and I was I was already in a mood it's 4 a.m. I'm hungover I'm gay but we had a miserable flight a lot of tension and it just shows it we had the seat in the middle free that's that should be enough that you're

like content you know that's that should be some gratefulness right there but she still hated me well hey I gotta say this I don't know anybody that has more seat issues with you I mean this is you got a lot of seat problems you got like a target on your back I don't know what's going on 11 I 11 fuckheads trying to take your spot your seat your row I mean so did she take it up with them or what I mean I hate that they told me this yeah and you're like well you know my mother told me I could play for the socks but it didn't pan out you fucking cunt exactly my mother told me I was adopted I did some 23 and me's turns out I'm hers

which hurt even worse but yeah it I don't know what to tell you and I get she was venting and she was upset because she wanted the whole row cuz of COVID or whatever she had the full yamaka face mask then she had that that blowtorch mask you know like the the welder the yeah yeah she had that one with the mask with the Jew curls with the the dreidel and man she was not having it but I'm like yeah take it up with them but she was just like well you're in front of me so I'm gonna tell you my problems so I get it but after the third the third lap I was like yeah I don't know to tell you sister

Mazel tov and I'm hitting the shut eye maybe she was supposed to be across the aisle in the same row is that possible that's what they meant by the whole road now we check the tickets and I thought maybe I'll just pop over there but that row had a middle seat dweeb so I said I'm not sitting next to kind of lingus over there I'm staying here yeah that's that's not that's on her but it's good that you didn't tell her fuck off or everything because we got to take the steps the baby steps say hey I'm sorry I don't know what they told you but it sounds like these flight attendants they're giving out bad info at the front

of the plane which is interesting because at some point they're gonna come back to the plane and have to face the person again but the beauty of their system on the airlines is they do this whole 9-11 rigama roll thing where they they got the desk coups and then they give you a ticket and then you get on the plane and I got the aisle coups and they're two different coups you see what I'm saying so they don't they they go hey she told me this they go well that ain't me fatty I don't know what to tell you dickless and pipe down we're about to take off yeah it's one of those hard things where there's just no give we all the

information has been said so you just kind of have to go all right I guess it's your decision you can get off the plane or sit here right no there's no in between well what do you call that not compatibility when you when you when you when you're you're reliable no you're responsible I think it's a C like a C word where they go I don't have a bowl no capability no culpability I don't know what culp is culpable fish culpable guppy I think that's something culpable what is culpable I don't know culpable that's something CULP I believe yeah it's I think it's able to be culp I think culprit oh I like I like no

culp in my OJ I don't know huh what is that I'm looking for a bowl means deserving blame that's not bad that's not bad not the one I was except the one I'm thinking is it's yeah you don't take responsibility for your friend's flaws no that's culpable I think culpable right okay deserving blame I think it's not hitting my G spot I don't know what it is but it could be it cultivate cult cult of personality how many syllables are you thinking it's one of those it's a it's a double it's a culpable compatible comprehensible no use it in the sentence so give me like the blank say this blah blah blah I might be able to

shove it up your ass you gotta have some blank to to get the credit ah shit I can't even use in a sense I'll call you later the culpability you need help ability maybe that's it maybe that's it I just heard that somebody said it got like it was like a racial thing and somebody's like well you guys aren't oh taking a coercion oh that could be taking taking might be the beginning taking things didn't pay for taking back tonight taking care of business taking your virginity I well we'll talk about it later but either way I had a show last night my brother showed up and I bombed at the end and it really killed me by the

way I had one of these where I couldn't think of the word for like days the other day and I had to text it was with Ron on but oh quick quick thing by the way I talked about Ron on her shot Ron on comedy at our a and a and comedy people keep asking me about him yeah he did how about this we're Seinfeld fans obviously he did a leave behind in Louis Carr on purpose not on purpose he claims but I get a call from Louis going hey the the chubby Jew kid that I hated he left his hat in the car and I go I call run I go you didn't leave behind in Louis vehicle first of all they're called Yamakas I believe but what would he what did he

have like a hat with a propeller on it what's he doing with a hat on it was like a New York comedy club hat I don't know if he's trying to get Louis past or what but he left the hat and then you know Louis like yeah if you bump into him or and Ron on's like well maybe if we see him again I can get it back and I'm like this isn't gonna fly there pal yeah nice try dickless but anyways I was hanging out with him and I couldn't think of the word maybe I'll maybe I'll give it to you and see if you could think of it put it in my ass I'll see if I diarrhea so I the subject it was some other guy I don't know either that looks like Ron on

it was the three of us talking I ran and and I go I went to the Viking Museum in Norway and I was like it's so mind-blowing to see these old Viking ships that are 10,000 years old or 50,000 or 300 I don't know how old they are but I was like they're all still together complete there yeah what's the word oh wait a minute not refurbished it took me days fermented did you get it I eventually I got it I even said this to them I was like in something they're all in no they're all in blank act yeah that was it I couldn't think of it they couldn't think of it it was torture well tacked is it a whole another word in itself you

know he's that guy's got tacked or you have no tack people tell me that a lot and then tacked is something you do when you're sailing to you're you're tacked a thing and tactics and yep tacky tic-tac-toe you froze I don't know what you said there I'm sure it was good tacky and then there's a thumbtack oh yeah uh-huh intact but anyways I had to text him like four days later and he was like what and I was like intact remember and I was like text that other kid and he's like I don't know what you're talking about he was too busy you know leaving behind clothes at Seinfeld's apartment

oh complacent no that's not it ah damn I'm gonna think of it later and text you somebody some Tuesday right now is in Omaha going yeah I got it but if you call it if you know it by the way you know it's weird about the Vikings their whole thing is the the horns on the head on the helmet they're blonde they got moustaches and a big boat with a lady on the front with tits and they all that all they're known for is raping that's the whole thing with Viking they went here they raped everybody that's why these people are still six eight in you know Scandinavia and in the weirded there's the Minnesota Vikings like they're

all just they're all holding is raping and pillaging is it not this is exactly the conversation we had this is why we're we're kindred spirits or gay lovers or you know appearance of so synced up this is exactly the conversation I said how long before these people come after the Vikings as a team because the Redskins are done and the Braves and the Seminoles and all this shit and it's just a matter of time before they say hey what is this where we got a team named after the Vikings and the Vikings raped so the his thing run on point I think his point was you know the Native Americans are still around I think and then the

emblems or the logos are like whatever right but no one's claiming to be a Viking maybe or something I think he had a good point but I do think eventually they're gonna say hey get rid of the Vikings Vikings did bad things now I think he got something there and that's true and the Vikings were a couple of honky-cracker white devils so I think that makes it fine like we get no one stick it up for them right but but they're villains they're they're villains yeah so I don't know I mean I feel like eventually things will get to that place but maybe things will ease up and get a little better and no one will care about

this shit anymore at some point hopefully hopefully you hope but here here's one that I guarantee you will go the way of the dodo I'm saying in the next decade within 2020 to 2029 this will go away the golf tournament masters that's going call it right now well that's possible I mean it is Georgia I know master bedroom is gone but I think masters is in reference to a master at this sport because master bedroom was directly in reference to like the guy that is the masturbator or whatever I see so that what I'm like I can see the case I think it's goofballs I mean but but it's also like yeah the big bedroom

then I mean it's easy to easy enough to change true but I you could be right I mean they it never ceases to surprise me what is offensive well it's almost like a chuchu like a PC chuchu you got to keep putting the wood in the fire and I feel like you know after even if everything's perfect because we talk about how we have to live in this utopia and this is offensive to this person this and but after everything's perfect they find something hey this cartoon with the kid getting thrown bluebird blueberries Adam is offensive to people with dietary restrictions and you go okay so now you're just you just you're just trying

to throw more train tracks down yeah those people I hope they die because you know you think I don't want to go off on a whole thing but you'd hope that side would fucking ease off of this completely innocuous horseshit yeah about this one this one's going away maybe you got a point with the masters this one's going away first class it's elitist it's a class system in in and of itself well I'll tell you that one you're on because you're on to something because it's already Delta one oh they already say hey they say jet blue what's it called mint blue plus mint mint yes exactly it's mint it's it's number one it's it's

whatever first class is already getting out you're right that's a good one all right well geez we're gonna come in I see some squirrely eyes there something happened my dad's my dad's picking me up to go to high school and you know we tie the clock's ticking I gotta have dinner with my parents and kill them oh yeah that sounds horrible I saw a little eye twitch I could tell something's up let's wrap her up hit up hit up the the store the new store what's the link the website it's in the bio of the episode it's in the bio there you go check that out Shelby said it's a public T link is in the script okay T public TEE public

yeah TEE public Tee publicans of go party check that go check that out and get on the patreon now we're looking to get 4,000 we'll do the live one soon probably after Thanksgiving break I assume and have a safe Thanksgiving check out I got the new web series going Connor's ultimate movies it's a lot of fun it's real silly appreciate all the kind words subscribe to my YouTube for the love of fuck cuz the industry is gonna hate us after this episode you got there and I'm in oh I'm in Foxboro this Saturday I thought it was Friday I've been plugging Friday for like six months this Saturday I'm at the comedy thing Gillette

Stadium I gotta wrap up your dad let's take his belt off it's not in the stadium it's called comedy farts I don't know what the fuck it's called Google Foxboro Mass Joe list I'll put the link in my Instagram two shows we're probably all gonna die but come to the show Erica Rhodes is in town she's doing guest spots Sarah will be there so it's gonna be a hell of a show I'm done don't get hit by your dad all right yeah yeah he's taking off the belt he's wearing a robe it's weird I'm all over the place who knows I think I'm gonna be out in Spokane if you live out there not the club Bridgeport Stress Factory Bridgeport

Connecticut and maybe Tipatina's in New Orleans so yeah all kinds of fun stuff come on out say hello get some merch get on the patreon we'll do a live stream soon praise Allah kill yourself hug your mom and blow your brother we'll see you next week