Tuesdays with Stories! - #378 Spooky Blonde

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

It's a big, wet ep this week as the guys reminisce about the X Games before Joe plays some weird games with his family and Mark bombs in front of some family in New Orleans before running into some Amish people in Pennsylvania. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: MyBookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code:tuesdays) & Native Deodorant (nativedeo.com/tuesdays or use code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey everybody, I am a sports lover. I watched football all weekend. Amazing games. It's Patrick Mahomes. He's going to be all right, this fellow. Sexy guy. Big games. By the way, NCAA is back. College basketball is going. College football is going. I love sports. Nothing more fun than throwing a few bucks on the ponies, watching the sports. Tyson fought this weekend. That was a while. I didn't see it, but it sounded like something. Playing season is back at My Bookie, the best action in the business. New players will get their first deposit matched halfway up to $1,000. That's right. You put in a grand, you get

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hour special offer code Tuesdays. Get on it, folks. My Bookie promotional talking points is not what I was supposed to say, but yeah. My Bookie. Here, here. We love them. Enjoy this episode of Tuesdays with Stories. Woohoo! Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey, everybody, welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hey, good

to be here, folks. Queep it up. I think, I think, I don't think I know. We're now in our eighth year of doing the podcast, I believe. That's crazy. That's too long. Maybe it's seven. I think it's eight. I think September of 2020 is seven years. So we're in our eighth year of doing the podcast. I feel like that's kooky. Something's up there. I think you're adding dates. You're adding years like a priest on a police report. Well, September of 2014 is one year, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. So September of 2020 is our seventh year anniversary and now we're in December. So this is our eighth. Oh, we're in the eighth year. We're in the eighth year. This is our eighth first week of December of the podcast. I see. I thought

you were saying we've done eight years. By the way, keep that lid on. Yikes. I just ran out in the rain. It was brutal out there. That's why I'm wearing a hat. It's cats and dogs. You look like the Seinfelds landlord in season eight of the people. Silvio. Yes. Who's he's also in a couple. He's in the big Lebowski. Oh, wow. Man, the Cohen brothers, no one books uglier people than the Cohen brother. Cohen brothers are keeping ugly actors in business. Woody, by the way, did quite a bit of work in that department too. Allen. Allen. Yeah. Yes. What's your time at the woodpecker or the guy from Toy Story? Then there's Guthrie. A lot of good woodies. Harrelson, Guthrie, Woodpecker, Allen. Decent woodies. You can't be a Woody now

because you don't want to ruin the legacy. Well, everyone thinks Woody Allen's a kidfucker, but I don't think he's a kidfucker. He's just a daughter stealer. That's all. Hey, another one was stealing a daughter and he makes a hell of a picture barring the last 20 years. There's a couple good ones in the last 20, but a lot of trash. What do you got? Barcelona and the other one? No, Barcelona stinks, but you got Midnight in Paris is fun. I mean, some of them are okay. Scoop is bad, but I like it. I like Scoop. Matchpoint. Fantastic. Love the point. Cafe Society's got some moments. A little cutesy, precious, pretentious. I don't know. Give me a movie about New York and a Jew. I like anything else. That one's good. I liked anything else,

Ricci and a small tea wasn't anything to sneeze at either. And no pants for a moment. By the way, Jason Big's not Jewish. Woody found out on the set. He was very upset. Wow. It's usually the other way around. You're like, whoa, whoa, you're Jew. Right. Speaking of that, Dr. Dre didn't know Eminem was white till he met him. No kidding. How about that? Yeah, he was like, ah, what the hell is this shit? Well, Stevie Van Zant has a great guitarist, horrible actor. He's got a story about showing up to band practice with Rod Stewart was on the cover of Rolling Stone and he was like, Rod Stewart is white and everyone was like, what? What? He's the whitest guy ever. He's the guy your mom has a crush on. Well, my mom has a crush on several black guys. She likes Alonzo Morning and Luttrell

Sprewell. She's got a choking fetish, but I think if you listen to Rod, he's got very sexy, soulful R&B voice, but I saw him in concert and he kicks soccer balls into the crowd and that's a pretty white activity. Oh yeah. Nothing whiter than a kick in a soccer ball. Maybe hitting a hockey puck or a badminton, but what's that guy's name? That hideous, hideous man who sings, goodbye, little help from my friends. Oh, Joe Cock. Cocky. They thought he was a colored fella. Yeah, he's very soulful too, but I hate his little help from my friends. It's too much. It's all like, the song is supposed to be like, it's a straightforward jam and this guy's doing a whole, yeah. What happened there? All of a sudden you went, it was like poltergeist. I bought a lamp and I'm just testing it. Oh,

all right. But yeah, yeah, cocky. He's got some problems. No, not a cocky guy. I mean, you are so beautiful is nice, but write a second lyric, would you? I know he's covering everything this hack. Give me a, I get it, you're soulful and ugly, but get a haircut and an original tune. Well, you are so beautiful. There's eight lines total in the whole song. It's just, he's just repeating that and playing a note. I'm like, sweet song, but give me, you know, you got a nice pair of tits, your pussy shaved. You are so beautiful. He's got one line. Yeah, something. Good nips, great tongue, clam, hag gash, something. Yeah, I'm with you, but it's back in the day. You know, you could be a troll and put out an LP and nobody gave a shit.

You know, you put a spaceship on the cover with like a, a weeping willow and you're an artist. Same with president. I mean, we had some, some nasty, fugly, fat fucks out there. That's true. Which is interesting because it feels like back in the day, we could have had a black president. No one would have known the difference. You could have just said, Hey, here's a letter. Here's what I think. Also, most black guys, especially back then, were named, you know, Boregaard, Cleveland, Washington and Jefferson because they, they got raped by, you know, Papa, Papa Madison or whoever, the slave owner. So they all have the governmental names. Yeah, good point. And how about this? By the way, this is a little off subject,

but in the, in the area of race, my nephew who's 12, he just told me this fact and I did a little recent, I mentioned it on stage and everyone was like, Oh yeah, there has not been, you know, about this. There's not been a white cornerback in the NFL since 2003. Wow. I did not know that. And I think it'd be weird if I did 17 years and I was thinking about it. I don't know if this is a bit or just an idiot, but there's plenty of white wide receivers. So it means maybe white people just can't run backwards. Is that something? Could that be that could be something? I've seen my dad try to run backwards to get away from a cat. He slips over a Lego. I think there's something there. You don't see a lot of honkies doing the Fox truck.

Yeah, there's no running back because I think running forward and cutting or slashing we can do, but I think it's that brief moment of the back pedal that we just, we're just not able to do it, I think as a, as a, as a race. Yeah, maybe it's also why a Negro had to come up with the moonwalk. We weren't doing it. We weren't going, you know, we weren't going that way. We're all about going forward. Yeah. We walk forward and it was just an earthwalk, I guess. It's a street walk. Yeah, planet fitness, but also a forward in basketball is always black. Interesting. Well, there's some good white ones in the, in the history. I mean, you got quite a few. I'm going to push back on this a little bit. We got Larry Bird, Larry Bird, Dirk Novitsky, Kevin McHale is the other guy.

Okay. Maybe then maybe that supports your, your original point that they always go straight forward. But I never saw him running backwards. Any of those guys, maybe for a moment, like a slow backwards. Yes. You know what that reminds me of is I was never a BMX cunt. I did, I was, I love the X games because, you know, it was the nineties. It was extreme. We were drinking a Mountain Dew and a surge and getting hand jobs, but every BMX guy would go up a ramp and come down backwards and he would have to whip around real quick or he would fall. That's the same with the whitey in the running. You got to whip around real quick. Interesting. By the way, I felt when X games came out, I think we were like 12 or 13 the first year. I thought right away, the, what do you call it,

the logo, the, the, the font, it was all dumb right away. Yes. Same. Same. It was too much. Yeah. It was like ESPN two and ESPN two. When it first came out, I had like that two that was like a Zorro ESPN two. It was all gay. I hated the whole thing right away. And it was always that slime green or that neon orange. And it was like, all right, all right, we get it. Yeah. You're eating Doritos and, and, and, you know, doing meth. Take it easy. Yeah. It wasn't an X games guy at all. Wasn't there a big celebrity early on? He had big spiky, like Chucky V. Wasn't that somebody? Or was he a DeCathalon guy? Remember Chucky V? I don't remember Chucky V. I remember Chucky one, the, the doll. I think there was a Chucky V with huge spikes. Wasn't that something? I think

you're thinking alfalfa? Shelby, could you Google that? I think there was a guy named Chucky V. And he had big spiky horn hair. And he was like the face of X games like the first year. And he did a backflip or some shit. I think I might be completely attracted to my father, but I'm not sure. I remember the, there was one black guy with dreadlocks, sway or swivel or swastika, something like that. But he was big. Samsonite. But what's that? I said Samsonite. Slippy, slappy. It was way off. But yeah, yeah, I do, I watched every, every second of those X games. Cause you know, as a 14 year old, you're waking up with a boner. You're coming in your own pants. You're fucking your cousins. You need a little release. Yeah. And I remember, I wanted

to be in on the ground floor of something historic. I thought it was going to be like the Olympics. I was like, this is going to be amazing. And I'm watching the first one. I'll tell my grandkids someday that I blew Chucky V when I was nine. See, that's what's great about you. I always say it. One of your biggest attributes, features, perks. What's the word here? Qualities? Sure. I'll take qualities. I don't know what you're going to say. I might have to change my mind. One of your best qualities is you can really step back. Ironically, you step back for a for a cracker and you see the whole picture. I never, I was a 13 year old come guzzler. I never thought I'm in for something historic. I was like, oh, these guys are ripping it up in

jeans shorts. This is bad ass. But you could see this was a big thing. You can always see the big pick. I appreciate it. I try to see the big pick. You know, I love a big pick, you know, Spartacus and Ben Hurd and everything, but I'm also wrong a lot because X games, nobody gives a shit. Chucky V is not even a real person and nobody cares about X games, but they are still going on. I think I think those still happen. I think they are. It's four guys in a on a bleach you're going, woo, a little pennant, you know, but I, I don't think it's as big as it was. We had the warp tour and Blink 182 would, uh, you know, jizz on everybody and it was a whole thing, but I don't think it's what it used to be for sure. Yeah, I guess, I guess not. But,

but thank you. Yeah. I try to be a real, oh, here's Shelby with the Chucky V news. What do you got? Shelby is an image. Is that him Shelby? Is that Chucky V? Look at this. I think that's it. Oh, wow. I've never, I've never seen this gay porn star in my life. Who the hell is that guy? He's ripped. I think that's it. He also looks like the bad guy in Roger Rabbit. Yeah. He looks like a, like a background guy in demolition man. But yeah, I remember him. It was a big push. Do you remember this too? Dan versus Dave, the 92 Olympics? No, no. Is that a special Olympics? That was, it was these two guys, they, they, they were sponsored by Reebok and they were the American Decathlon people.

And it was like, who do you like? Dan or Dave? Dan versus Dave. And then one of them didn't make the team. Like he just, it was like a million dollar, uh, what do you call it, uh, campaign. And then the one guy just, he stunk, laid an egg and missed the Olympics. No, I don't remember that. I, I never followed it that closely. See, you're more of an Americana guy. You get in there with the, with the Olympics and the, the baseball and the sports and the whole thing. Ra, Ra, Ra. I was, I was on the edge. I do remember the little lesbian lady who did the backflips with the short haircut. Carrie Strug. No, the other one. She had three names, uh, Helen Keller, Novitsky, something. She was real wide-bodied and stocky. Dominic Mucciano. Wow. No, no.

Mary Lou Heller, Mary Lou Retton. No, she was from like the seventies. I think. Oh, maybe I was watching it back then. I remember her. That was Dorothy Hamill too. That was the skater. Yes. The skating got big. Remember with the Tonya Hardings and the Kerrigans and the, the Asian gal, Michelle Swan, Chris. Yeah, Michelle qualm. I think with an M or an N. I can't remember. I think it's an N. Let's go M just to be safe. All right. Um, that was supposed to be an N word joke, but I don't know if it played, but I got it. And then there was Christie Yamaguchi. She was like, she was Michelle qualm. Yeah. And then there was the gay guy with the backflip that you always talk about. Buddy Scott, Scott Hamilton, which I feel me. There's nothing

a more upset about, sad about. It keeps me up at night as we met a Tuesday and he said, Hey, I met Scott Hamilton. I told him to listen to your podcast and the whole time we were talking about if he's gay, if he's not gay, he's ugly, he's bald. It was horrible. And then I met the guy. I met Scott Hamilton. Where'd you meet him at a rest stop? No. And I did a triple toe touch under the stall. No, I did a corporate Nashville. He was there and the whole time all I could think was this guy listened to us say whatever we say. And plus there's no way he just went to the minute we were. We started talking about him. He probably listened to the whole intro and I was talking about eating out my sister's ass and you were talking about fucking your dad. Yeah, the standard

and he probably hates us, but I love him so much. So some Tuesday tried to like help us out and reach Scott Hamilton, but I think he forever hates us and hopefully he doesn't think we're bad people. No, I love you, Hammy. I mean, you're a national treasure. Yeah, I could never do a skate flip anything. So God bless you doing the Lord's work and we don't even give a shit if you're gay, straight or trans or, you know, him, her, she's there or whatever. Just keep rocking in the free world there, Hammy. But I love about Hamilton, by the way. He really embraces the horseshoe bald. He just lives it. He's not. He's horseshoe and that's it. Nobody embraces the horseshoe anymore. I gotta say I'm with you. I love a horseshoe and a horse shoe. They're very, you know,

bumpy, but my friend's dad, Scott, growing up, had a wicked horseshoe. I wanted to throw him to a spike and make a woo woo woo. I mean, this thing, I mean, it was so perfect and he had the curls like a Larry David. It was a beauty. I remember hearing a story that was this. It was a guy, a woman I worked with and her husband was like a little guy, a little shit. And she was a tough broad. She was like a real like everyone was afraid of her. She was like, fuck you. I'll cut your dick off. You piece of shit. One of those ladies, you know, Boston. And her husband was, was like smaller than her and classic horseshoe. Just had the horseshoe, whatever. And everyone was like, oh, she wears the pants in this family. That kind of thing. And then one time I was at

a wedding with them and she was like, Hey, I forget the guy's name. Hey, Bill, tell the story about the time the guy called me a slut. And he's like, Oh, that's nothing. Someone called her a slut and I smashed his head into the ice machine. Then I opened it and I was slamming the ice machine door on his face like, like peshy and raging bull. Yeah. And he was this little shit horseshoe ball. And he was like, Hey, disrespect to my wife. What are you going to do? And everyone was like, Oh my gosh, this is great because he looked like Scott Hamilton. Wow. But he bashed some fucking guys temple in with the ice tray. Holy hell. They see that's the thing about the bald stuff. Everybody's like, Oh, bald guy, what a loser, what a wuss. Bald actually means you have more

testosterone. You have so much testosterone that your hair said, fuck this guy. He's a tough shit. I'm out of here. And we look at it as like, Oh, look at this douche with the baldy shiny chrome dome cue ball over here. It actually means you have more testosterone. No kidding. I never knew that. That's that's something. That's why you take your finasteride and all that shit. And your your your propitia, it fucks with your testosterone and lowers it a little bit. That's why you can't get a boner on it. No kidding. Wow. I had no idea. Little science lesson. By the way, speaking aside, I talked to Dr. Steve today. We had a nice chat on the horn. He just took the vaccine. Really? Yeah, he just swallowed it down. You know, he ate it with some jizz and a spoon and

said he loved it to taste it good. And he was a little woozy, but he's like, he's in the hospital all day. He's calling me on his lunch break. He's eating a PB and J talking to me in a lab coat. And he's loving it. He's like, I'm 95% foolproof. I can go blow a guy with Corona and make out with him. He can queef on me and I'm good. No kidding. Cause I'm getting topsy turvy mixed messages to some people. I'm talking to my uncle. He's a firefighter and not a, he's not some Q and on quack job. He's like, no, thank you. No vaccine for me. Not the first run. And I'm like, it's not just people, the tin foil hat people is this is everyone's I talked to is like, no way. I'm not touching that. If it's FDA approved, stick that thing right up my ass. If they shot it through

the eye, I'll take it. Same here, here, bring it on. Fatty. I'm with you. But he said he feels like a superhero. He's walking around the ICU, high fiving, you know, cadavers and he's got no mask on. He's got no pants on. He's, you know, he's living it up. So how do you get cause he's a frontline douche? Frontline douche, an FLD and he's just walking up and down. He works at a hospital every day. He's like the head of his field and, you know, anal cavities and he, he got it. He said, I'll take it. No one else would take it. He's 65. He's like, yeah, hand it over. Well, I mean, I don't want to go deep into COVID here and I'll get a million messages calling me a fucking idiot, but they, they did 22,000 tests. That's not nothing. I mean, that's more tickets

than I sell at a comedy club. 22,000 people and it's 95% effective, whatever. I give that thing to me. I want my life back. I don't want to be nervous. And by the way, COVID sweeping across the New York comedy scene right now. Yeah, we don't want to name names, but it's hitting a lot of heavy hitters and a couple of hacks. Yeah. A lot of hacks and a couple of good ones. You will see. Hopefully, I don't know, but one of the people I was with the night before, I was talking to the day before the whole thing. So, and a couple were like hospitalized and shit. So hopefully, everyone survives and, you know, we all get to see a pair of tits soon. Yeah. Apparently this thing is real. Who knew? I thought it was like the Holocaust,

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and Twitter. And really spread it around. Use it as a come reg. Whatever you're going to do. Get the word out there. Because we feel like there's a lot of the podcast blowing up. And why not us? I say that's what the 04 Red Sox said. And they won the Goddamn World Series. So let's get on it. Why not us? Spread the word. Spread the ass cheeks and eat some cum. Here, here. They're the best looking shirts we've had yet. They were designed by fellow Tuesdays. So we know what you want. And there's a lot of creative gays out there. These kids can scribble, baby. And I got a couple shirts on the way. And I cannot wait to show them off. And I'm making a vow right here. I don't know about... I don't want to speak for you there,

Chunky. But if you tag me in your shirt, I will repost it on Instagram. So tag away and I'll repost. So let's have a holiday jizz. Tag and post. And speaking of holidays, I hope you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I'm back. I'll tell you what I got right now. The Monday back from a vacation blues. Yeah. Not to mention it's miscaraging outside. It's fucking nightmare out there. Oh, nasty. I went to get my morning bagel at lots of bagels, Broadway and Astoria. And my bag ripped. One of the bagels fell out. My umbrella was upside down. You know the upside down umbrella? And the rain sucks because I go to get a coffee, a tea and a bagel. And so it takes each hand. Plus you got your morning podcast going. I don't have enough hand. I'm balancing my phone on my dick.

I got the umbrella up my ass. The wind's blowing it over. Brutal morning. And so I got the funkies right now. The Monday funkies. Here, here. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. It's no good. I went and did a couple of pull-ups on some scaffolding, like a meathead. And I'm just getting rained on while exercising, which feels like a come shot from God. He's just called me a pussy and he's like my personal trainer. Brutal. So yeah, I'm with you. It stinks. And it's COVID. And it's Christmas. And it's cold. The whole thing sucks. Plus we were just with our parents getting the breastfeed going, sitting on laps, rubbing noses, drinking eggnog. And now we're back here. Yeah, it's a weird time. And do you do this? I mean, I don't want to act like I'm a perfect

guy here, but we go up to Thanksgiving and I'm the devil. I'm going to see my parents. The whole thing. Same. And there's like 11 of us were in the backyard. We got a fire going. It was like 50 degrees. So we said, let's light a fire. We'll be in the backyard. Safety first. We sit around the fire for about five hours. We got some good tunes going and, and we're, you know, we're, we're, everyone's drinking beers. I'm, you know, staring at the fire, whatever. And then after about five hours, it's about, you know, eight o'clock, you just naturally go, all right, we put in enough safe time. Let's get in the house and have some fun. I mean, we act, I act like, well, we were outside for long enough. COVID probably said, Hey, they're taking it serious. They're fine.

And then you go inside and you, we got 11 of us, you know, having a big party. We got some game where you throw, remember the game connect four? Oh yeah. Well, this is connect four, but with ping pong balls and you got to bounce them into the connect four thing. It's the most fun I've ever had in my whole life. We have a big tournament. I drew out brackets and, and it's a whole situation where we had music blasting. We're throwing ping pong balls everywhere. Everyone's like, you lost, you fucking fag, you piece of shit, blow me, suck my dick dad. I mean, we go full crazy and it was a great time, but I think we're all going to die, you know, sometime this week. Well, wait, do you lay the board flat? So there's a pool. So this is the way it works. It's designed for this. This

is the game. It's not like we made, we didn't take like a, a connect four board. Oh, oh, I thought you got a board. It's called bounce off. So it's like a connect four situation with a little ramp and a backboard. You bounce it in and my parents have a pool table because we, you know, we're we're classy. And so you bounce it off the pool table and up and into the thing and people are pretty good. Some people suck, you know, not Betty blows, but everyone else can really get in there and play. It gets pretty fun and heated and everyone's screaming at each other and fuck you and it's wild. See, that's the key because I sit there with my mom and dad. They're staring at me waiting for me to do a tap dance and a jig and I'm going, Hey, how about you bring some heat

Normans and it's a nightmare, but you've got to have an activity or a focal point. That's the key to a family outing or else you just start doing heroin and blowing each other. It never works out. Oh, we're all games. My family, when we're playing games, it's, it's a good old fashioned Christmas. I mean, everyone's screaming and laughing, having a good time. The games end and we just sit there in dead silence, staring at each other. You just pray that someone leaves so we can all shit on them. That's all there is. It's either shitting on a person, not there or it's playing games. So it's quite, quite enjoyable. Then there's this other game called joking hazard, which I got to get a copy from myself and maybe you and your name could come over here and we

could do a double joke night because you write jokes. It's pretty fun. It's a fun game. Yeah, but your grandma, she's not funny. She's a woman. How's that going to work? This is what it is. I mean, she's dead, which is pretty funny. But so what it is is it's, did you ever play? Oh, fuck. What's this game called? Cards against humanity. I hate, I hate that game. Well, it's like that, but this is filthy. It's like, it's a cartoon and it says, hey, it's like two little cartoon guys. And one says, suck my dick, you fucking douche. And the other one says, why don't you kill yourself? And so it's really a reverent and then you got to make the best joke. So it's pretty fun. Okay, okay. You're making a joke.

All right. The other ones, I hate cars because unfunny people think that game is funny and they're like, ah, it says fart knocker. Wow. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hand me the tequila skank. Well, this one, there's a few blank cards. You can write your own thing and you can put, you know, the N word in there, whatever you want to do, whatever kind of family you have. Sure. But it's, so it's pretty fun and it's a little bit of that. But when you're with your family, you got to curb what enjoyment is. That's true. If you and me are hanging out, you know, we're pushing each other in the bushes, but you're hanging out with Uncle Harry. You got to have some, you got to have something to make it livable. I get it. I get Uncle Harry's. He's

got nothing going on. He's dead inside. So yeah, I get it. But the games is key, man, because my parents, they light a candle, they put on NPR, they put on a pair of overalls and it's, it's a nightmare. It's just boredom and, and you're talking about games. There's mind games going on and they're doing passive aggressive shit in front of their girlfriends. So she's like, what the hell's going on here? It's the, I go in the kitchen at my parents' house and I go, here we go. You know, it's like I left a fire. Then I got to go back. I'm like a fireman like, all right, I got to suit up and go back into the living room. Yeah, we have that. I take a lot of fake shits. I pretend I have IDS just to go in the toilet and, you know, I look at in touch

magazine for a couple of minutes just to get a breather. I hear you on that. Yeah, it's tough, but you got to do it. They'll be dead soon. I keep having visions of my parents dying and it fucking makes me so sad. Do you ever get that? I don't know. I mean, it's on my vision board. Yeah, this, but I don't know about dreams. I had a dream the other day that felt really real. That's like too gay and personal, but I don't know about the death thing. I mean, I think about it actively sitting there, but I don't have dreams. Not yet. Not really. I don't visually see. I just think about it. It bones me out. So I try to soak up the parental as much as you can, but it's, it's almost like soaking up, you know, too much alcohol where you're like, ah, this is bad for me, but I still

got to do it. I've done that. I think I talked about that with the Paul McCartney's story where I just stared at his face as long as I could because I knew we were talking and it was limited, but I'll do that with like my aunt, but you know, that face is tough. She's no beetle. No, no, she's more of a locus, but yeah, it's tough out there. I did that with Jerry a few times. I'm just like, there he is. Oh my God. And you just like trying to extra absorb the whole feeling so you never forget it. You never, never, it lives forever. Yeah. I have the opposite with Louis. I'm like, I'll listen, but I just can't look anymore. No. Well, the pants are off. That's different story. But yeah, yeah. But yeah, I went to NOLA, did the whole thing with the folks, with the girlfriend,

the French quarter, the food, the booze, you got to do it, blah, blah, blah. I got to tell you, I fall more in love with my city the older I get. Isn't that weird? Oh yeah. I feel that. Well, you're further away from it. You removed from it. And I think you have the introspection to say, thank God, when I'm driving up Sturro Drive or the Mass Pike coming into Boston, I'd say, thank Christ, I'm from here. Oh really? Oh yeah. Oh, that's in Chiak. I met my brother in a park and we, you know, we're playing with my nieces and he's got two kids. We headlock, we punch each other in the balls and all this. And it's a great time. I'm like, I never used this park. I was, I grew up here. I'm four minutes away from this park as a kid, never went here,

never thought about it. Me and my gal, we got on those swans, like the paddle swansings that's on the lake. Never did that in a million years. Went to the cafe du monde in the park, had a beignet and a coffee. I'm like, this park is beautiful. I walked by the amusement park. I'm like, oh yeah, I went here a couple of times. It's this adorable fucking kids amusement park with like the little roller coaster and everything. And it's, it's classic Rockwell. What's it? Norman Rockwell bullshit. And I did all that. I'm like, I didn't take any of this in. I made fun of it. I took a shit on the walls and spit on the floor and it's as beautiful. Yeah. I guess you get more wisdom, appreciative, grateful, gratitude. Yeah. Well, that's the thing too. And we've

talked about this before is when people go, oh, I don't, I don't want to go to the, the, the, the, the tourist attraction. Don't send me to the cool. I want to go to the thing and you're like, but the tourist is, that's why it's the tourist. It's the coolest part of the city. Right. So you go down there, you go to Bourbon street. You're like, hey, I mean, Bourbon street's a little much, but you know, the French quarter is so, it's spectacular. Cafe du monde, all that shit. And wherever you go, Boston, the Charles River, the Hat Shell, you know, Copley Square, whatever, New York, the Empire State Building, you're like, you want to see the part because that's why everyone's going to see it. It's spectacular. Yeah. And I, but I

almost feel like, you know, your own city or my own city, it's like that friend, like New Orleans is this destination, bachelor party, weddings, Mardi Gras, Jazz Fest, and people are like, I love New Orleans. And I'm like, yeah, I love it too, but it's almost like that friend of yours that you love, but you know all his flaws. So you're like, yeah, I get that you like Willy, but if you knew all this other shit, you know, I lived with the guy for 10 years, all right. Yeah, he's a fun dude, but he also, you know, cries at night and keeps me up. Yeah, I know that feeling. I know that feeling well where people are like, oh my God, you know that guy. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that guy.

I know him too well. That's, that's how I have with New Orleans. Like I know him and he's fun. He'll have a beer with you, but you know, he'll also fuck your daughter or whatever. Yeah. No, I think, I think everything. I always say, I used to have this analogy when I was younger that for me, the feeling of these cities like Boston to me feels like family and New York feels like close friends where you love both, but one you chose and one similar to family, Boston. I'm like, it's great and it's beautiful and I love it and I'd die for it. But if you get too close, you might get beat up for being gay. You know, it's a little, it's a little rough around the edges. It's tougher and there could be improvements. Same with New York. Yeah, it's,

it's, it's tricky. It's a love and love hate. It's like John Hughes in Home Alone where he says, how you feel about your family is a complicated thing. I feel that way about your hometown. It's complicated. Yes, it's complicated. Yeah, we used to fuck. Now we don't. It's weird, but I still have love for it, but I go back and I see it for what it is because I get to step back and it's a, it's a, the sun was setting over the bayou St. John. We had a beer in my hand. I was, it hit me. It was, it was a little much, but here's the clinker though. Had a show at the, the broad side, which is like this theater they've turned into an outdoor thing now with COVID. And so my brother's like, I live two blocks away from there. I'll come. I said, great. It's sold

out. It looks, I look like a cool guy. I'm going to sell out show. I got my, my lady does a few minutes. She opens. That was fun. And you know, it's all these local New Orleans, my people, my townsmen that I grew up with. And I fucking died in front of my brother. It was a, he's in the front row. He's got a blazer on. He's looking at his kid, bro. I had him for like the first 20, the first 20 I'm killing. And I just looked down at him. It was the pilot was in the audience. I lost it. I couldn't, I couldn't hang. And you know, we're doing a, I'm doing a new hour after out to lunch came out. So it's still a little rickety and rockety. And I had no real ending. And then I had one of those endings where I was like, well, I guess, uh, guess we're about done

here. And then one guy kind of does this. And then they're all like, Oh, okay. Now they're all clad. I'm like, Oh, that wasn't supposed to be the end. I just on my own feet instead of her face. Uh, I've done that. I've just done my own feet. Um, I, I know the feeling it sucks. I guess maybe it wasn't as bad as you think, but people say that, but you're like, it doesn't matter because the feeling is what I'm talking about. The feeling is brutal. And you know, comedy is such a flimsy thing. It's an art form. And we're a bunch of artists, queefs and all this shit. We moved to New York to do this and that. And I had them for like 20 minutes. I was rocking baby. And I was like, Hey, welcome to

comedy town, chuch, you know, but, and he was like, Oh, look at this. My brother's killed it. And then the ending was just, and you know, when you got your family there or there's some kind of thing happening or you're on a TV taping, the brain is just gone. Like there's no looseness. There's no, I can't find anything. I just couldn't think of one funny thing to say. Then you start getting extra dirty cause you're like, I'm just trying to get a laugh and that gets weird cause you're like just the filthy guy who's not really killing. Ah, it was brutal. Yeah. That, that sucks. That's rough, especially with the brother and the hometown bomb is, is rough. I've been there. I've had it. It's a bad feeling and I hate that. I've had it a few times.

I did shows this weekend and we're not sharp cause I'm not doing a ton of shows. So you have those moments where you're like, I know there's one more line to this joke and I just, exactly. I can't think of it. I'm sorry. And you get, you feel so bad because there's this weird thing. And I was talking about this this weekend in the green room with, with comics where you're like, you want to, you're trying to work out and, and figure the act out cause you're not doing a ton of sets and it's COVID. So everything's weird, but also these people paid money and they're risking their lives, but you're like, I just don't know my act that well. So you kind of have to be like, you got to meet me halfway. Some of this might stink. I might have to look at my phone a

couple of times. I'm sorry. But I think you got to take solace in that people, they, they get it, they understand and they're just happy to see you. But you feel what it is too, is you feel much more pressure. The more you sell tickets, the more stressful it is, the more pressure it is. Yeah, completely. And then like this pot shot from New York's coming down. This should be a good show. And then when it, when it tapers, it's, you feel like you let them down a little bit and then they leave kind of like, it was good. But then it ended, we, I don't know, I'm overthinking it, but I did a show a couple of nights later and it was great. And it did a Q and A at the end, which feels so cool. And people were like, how's the beamer? What's the list up to?

Queef, you know, so that's fun. So we, we, we redeemed ourselves, but boy, you don't want to bomb in front of family. And my mom said, should I, should we go? And I remember being like, I had sold out and I'm so glad they didn't go. Yeah, my parents didn't come because of COVID and all that stuff. And they said, eh, we better not. And it's, it's a relief because you're just, you know, I love my parents obviously. And I appreciate their support, but it's just less stress. And of course Sarah is traveling. She's on the show too. So she doesn't want to perform in front of her in-laws. You know, my dick is tiny and my asshole is loose and I'm gay. So she doesn't want to do that in front of my parents because that's what, you know, they hate that

shit. So, uh, yeah. Just comedy is such a weird thing because I guess it's like sports. You know, you watch these sports documentary, the yips where the pitchers like, I just couldn't get the ball to go right. I don't know why I've been pitching for 30 years. And it's the same, but I'm just up on that stage going, I am completely empty in here. This is blank. I cannot find anything. And then you're on a show and we hawk in with eight people in the room and you're zinging and zanging. Yeah, it's hard. And it's like we talk about with specials and albums. You never get it just right. There's always a show. It's always a fucking Wednesday at the Omaha funny bone that you're like, I wish everybody could see this show. Right. This one. I was great. Of course,

then you even listen to that show and you're like, this isn't so great. So yeah, I don't know. We should kill ourselves. Well, what did you, how was, uh, how was the mass, the bean town? Well, I got to tell you about that a little bit, but first I want to tell you, because I, I talked about this a couple of weeks ago, the idea of going to the standard hotel, the high line, staycation and fucking in the window and we went for it. You know what I mean? I had the idea and I said, I'm doing it. I'm not just going to talk about it. So I went on to hotels.com got us a room at the standard hotel here in New York, which is a like a small chain of hotels. There's one in downtown LA. That's where I stayed when we did the Netflix thing. And that one's crazy because

there's homeless people all over the place, but it's like a hipster hotel. It's very strange, very strange. It's, it's cutesy tootsie artsy fartsy in there. But yeah, outside it looks like a what do you, what do you call that? Uh, not murderers row. Oh, uh, skid row skid row. Where do they get that skid row? You know, I just read the Wikipedia. Do you find this as you get older? I don't retain information anymore. I was like, what's the origin of skid row? I read the whole Wikipedia. I got nothing. Come on. It's way back. It's from way, way back. And it's like, they have like, here's some examples of skid rows. And you know, now it's like most synonymous with LA, of course, but it goes way back to like the depression. I think maybe earlier than that. I

think it's depression. Maybe you just can't retain. See, retain water. You just think skid mark or skid. It's like a, it's a bad blemish on the street. And it kind of works. It sounds right. It's like an onomatopoeia skid mark or skid row. Don't you hate that feeling? I read books and I'm like, that book was great. I loved it. And people like, well, what's happened with the thing? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I gave up reading. I can't retain any of it. I feel the same way. Maybe it's podcasts. Maybe we just put something right in our ear and we're just used to that. But then you read now and it just goes right up. Well, you get older. I mean, I was thinking about this. I was talking to Sarah about this weird driving up and I got the XM radio on

and Good Lovin' comes on. Good Lovin'. And I'm singing every word. I know every single word and I'm like, I haven't heard this song in 20 years. I never owned the album. It's just lodged back there. And that's back there. But I read, Tony V is a great joke about it. Great comic from Boston. And he says, you know, people tell him directions of, he's like, I'm sorry, I got Bon Jovi lyrics up here that just aren't going anywhere. So you can tell me whatever you want. I'm just not going to remember it because you got Jovi lyrics from 84 jammed in there. I know. But I think when it's on a rhythm, you remember that's why you remember the ABCs. That's 26 random letters in a certain wacky order. But you go, A, B, H, H, and you got it. Boom. The rhythm.

Yeah. It's repetition. Because I think that every once in a while will go out for an acting thing almost never, but whatever. But you think about how do these guys remember every line? There's three hour movies where one guy's in every scene. Yeah. But we're able to, I know every line to Goodfellas because it's just repetitive. I've seen it so many times. I could type the script to Goodfellas without a blemish. Right. Yeah. And it's also funny because, you know, our act is an hour and then you always get some Tom Dick or anal coming up to you going, how the hell do you remember all that shit? You go, I wrote it. That's how I remember it. And I've said it 8,000 times on 3 million shows. Yeah, exactly. So any tits. I don't even know I got to start it on that.

Remembering. Oh, you got no receipt. You don't retain. You didn't retain just that. We started with the standard. Then we went to Skid Row. Then I read Wikipedia. Then we went off on that tangent. But anyways, I booked the room at the standard 170 bucks with tax. And I got a high up floor. I was like, give me the highest floor you got 17th floor. It's above the high line, which is this beautiful long stretch of a park on the west side, right on the Hudson River. And we go there and it's a sex hotel. That's where it was all the exhibitionist would go and have sex in the window. We talked about it a couple of weeks ago. I think that's settled down a little bit, but it's still very sexy. It's dark in there and there's all weirdo lighting

and lamps and felt felt velvet couches or felt. I can't remember which ones which either way. Somebody got felt up. Velveeta. We go in there and the ladies all sexy. She's got tattoos and a tight skirt and she's like, you guys stay in here. We're like, yeah, I want to go fucking the window. Give me the key. Yes. And you go in the elevator, the elevator. It's pitch black and there's this kooky movie playing on the on the wall. So you're in this dark elevator with like a wacky movie playing. It's super sexy and weird. And the room is big. It's a big room for Manhattan and the bed is low. It's just like a cushion on the floor. Oh, yeah. TVs on the floor. The window is floor to ceiling all the way across. Huge view of downtown Jersey city. The whole thing.

And we got a little wraparound couch in the room. The shower has a bathtub in it. And there's a window from the living room area or whatever they call it where the bedroom is into the shower. So you can lay in bed and watch your partner shower. Wow. The Weinstein. I mean, it is a sex hotel and we did some fucking and I put my dick up against the window. I threw come at the window like multiple migs. I mean, it was exciting. But then you finish fucking and shower and you're like, all right, now what do we do? Everything's closed. So we walked down in your neck of the way. We went down to the cellar and had dinner. Louie and Griffin met up and Liz and we all, we wore our masks. We sat inside. We told some stories, had some yarns. I picked up Magnolia

cupcakes and banana pudding for everybody. I was like a king in there. I tossed out cupcakes to the staff and to everybody. Banana pudding. That's their big thing. I don't have the banana pudding, but everyone talks about the banana pudding at what's the place called again? Magnolia. Magnolia. Yeah. And they love it. I can't think of a worse combination of things, except for like jizz and anal. I don't know. That's Magnolia banana pudding. Come on. What are we doing to ourselves? We got all these options for pudding. Give me a chocolate or a tapioque. I'm not a fan either, but I'm glad you're saying this because I felt like an asshole because everyone's having that pudding. The staff, everyone's sharing spoons. It was a whole situation,

but I stuck with the cupcakes, but yeah, that sounds like something that comes out of a monkey's asshole. Well, it was a beautiful night. We went back and I can't recommend a staycation enough that these hotel, it's such a sexy hotel and you're up over the whole city way up in the sky and really, really loved it. Highly recommend. All right. Whoo. That sounds nice. What a nice little trip, but it didn't feel weird. Like, all right, now we'll go to this place. We've been to 16,000 times. Well, it was a little weird because you're just like, well, what else are we going to do? That part's a little strange. I did have the moment. Do you have this? Will you do something? And then the middle of it, you're like, what am I doing? Am I an asshole? Does everyone think I'm

a fucking idiot? Oh, that's why I can't smoke weed. We go out. We go. We have sex in the hotel. It's beautiful. We take our photos. We snuggle up. We take a sexy shower. We walk down. We get Magnolia cupcakes. We meet up with some friends. We eat dinner and then you're like, I can just go home right now. I live a half hour from here. We're going to a hotel. What are we doing? But it's the idea. Yeah. And it was nice to wake up in Manhattan the next day. We went and got coffee. We walked around and I'll tell you what, we might do it for two or three days just to live like rich Manhattanites for a few days. Good for you, fatty. You earned it. I mean, that's what life's all about. I mean, do we need to go home for Thanksgiving? Do we need to have a turkey? Do

we need to blow our children? Do we need to have lights on the tree and all that shit? No, of course not. But you do it and it's fun and it's magical and it's tradition. By the way, sorry, I forgot. We have one other thing we got to do. We almost forgot. I just bought Christmas lights. I got to tell you and it felt great. Hey, all right. Sorry, Jews. Anyways, it was a great trip. A lot of sex and fun. And then we headed up to Boston and that was great. Great fun too. Like I said, played a lot of games and hopefully none of us have COVID. We'll see. But yeah, just a great weekend and I hope everyone out there is safe and alive. It's getting crazy out there. I heard 65 deaths an hour or something

like that. I know COVID's like this weird thing where I lose faith in it. It's like my mom with me. It's like, oh, he's nothing. He's going nowhere. Then you hear about like seven people getting in. You're like, all right, all right. I got to go back to the mask and wash my hands for once in my life and see what's what. Yeah. All the hand washing, I just completely forgot about. I'm out on the hand washing. I haven't done that in a long time. Oh, yeah. See, here's something you're better at than me. You can really turn it off and relax. You can enjoy a concert. You can enjoy a trip. I was in New Orleans for 10 days and even though I did a couple shows, I was climbing the walls just that rapid. You get up. You get a coffee. Let's have lunch.

Maybe I'll try to do a sit up or two. Then you fuck. Then you get dinner. Then you see a movie. What should we do now? That shit eats my soul away. I lose it. So I had a flight back from New Orleans to Jersey and I'm such a cunt. Right when I got to the airport, the lady, she was flying to Beantown to see her folks. I'm flying home to New York and I immediately get excited like, oh, I get to fly by myself and go straight to New York and do some shows, which is a horrible way to live. I'm like, I get to be a Lohun and then do work. Right. I'm a psycho. Fly back to New York. I'm texting with the guy at the New Orleans airport. He's like, by the way, the show's at 6.30. I'm like, oh, really? He's like, what time do you land? I'm like, I landed five. And he's

like, all right, well, it's an hour drive into Jersey. So we'll just pick you up from the airport. And I was like, ah, don't you hate the, you want to get home from the airport and get home, you know, take a shit, floss, change your socks a little bit, put some water in your ass and then go out. Of course. Nothing worse than the, I've never had an airport pick up from a vacation. No, that sounds awful. I landed Newark. Raj picks me up. Raj Balani, funny guy. We drive out to some farm town in Jersey. We go to a place called Harper's Table, indoors, crazy gig, just like in a cottage kind of restaurant with a lot of wood and maple syrup and shit. And, you know, these are like good, clean, god-fearing folk. We did two shows. We ate great.

We had some drinks. Great night. Nice. Yeah. Then you really finally get home after that, a two hour drive back into the city. Then you're like, oh, you're pulling the bags out of the car. You're like, man, I've worked. I did some work and you feel good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, I just want to say it's all balanced because you're climbing up the walls on the vacation. I feel great on the trip. I'm turned off, but the problem is, and today I'm experiencing it, I get home and I have all the five days I was gone, anxiety hit me on this day. I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. What am I doing? I haven't looked at Twitter. I haven't written a joke. I recorded a set. I didn't even listen. My bits suck. I stink. Sam put out a special. I'm like, oh my god,

he has a special. I'm like, I've written three minutes of material and two of them stink. I'm a piece of shit. I should hang myself. So I'm good at turning it off, but then when it comes back on again, it's at 11. I want to shoot myself in the face right now. I'm totally with you. I get the same feeling. It's a, it's a nightmare. And that's, that's why I have to, I'm so scared of that feeling that I have to dive back into two shows in the middle of a farm town in New Jersey. Well, that's one of the hardest, the hardest things of COVID for comedians is, and we're grateful to have any shows, but you'd, in the old days, a year ago, whatever, eight months ago, you'd come back, you'd take a few days off. You'd feel like an asshole. You'd go to the seller

and it would be packed and all it takes is one seller kill and a table hang and you're like, I'm back. Are you shitting me? I could take a month off. I'm the fucking best there is, baby. But now I take five days off. My first show is in a parking lot and it's three people on bicycles going, ha ha. And you just eat shit for a living now. Completely. And in a bicycle, ha ha is a highlight. Sometimes they're in a, in a Honda going to to maybe you get the wipers. So yeah, we'll take anything and it takes, it takes eight shows to equal that one seller kill. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, I got Philadelphia Helium, January 7th to the 9th. And I can't wait cause I just did two shows on Saturday in Foxboro. I got to think all the gays that came

out ton of Tuesdays. I hit a bonus. I couldn't believe I had a bonus in love a gay bonus, which by the way, there's two shows. One, I hit a bonus. And the other one, there was 14 people there. I just ate a bag of cheese for 45 minutes, but, and it was a fun weekend though. So thank you to all the Tuesdays that came out. Mindy spring was there and a few other people that we know. And I didn't get to meet and greet cause we jumped in the bushes right afterwards because I was at my parents house. Yeah. Well, the next night, so I get back on a Friday, do the two shows in a farm, go to bed, wake up at like 1pm, finally just got that, that nap in that I needed. And then you go do, uh, oh boy, that's some rough do there. But, um, you go do, uh, what's it called?

I go, next day I have a show in Amish country, three hour drive into Blancaster PA folks. So Raj picks me up again at three, the gigs at seven or 630. We high tail it out to Lancaster. I'm talking stuck behind a buggy Amish. This is the real deal, the big black hats, the horse, the fucking raise a barn thing, witness, all that shit, a kingpin, you name it. It's barrels and butter churning. It is out there folks. So we're just watching these Amish people. We go to a, uh, Sheets. You know what Sheets? No, what's Sheets? Sheets is like a wawa or a Stuckies or, uh, there's a couple other ones. You know, it's like a road rest stop where it's like almost like a supermarket in there. You get your coffee, you can, you can put an order in

on the little screen. No kidding. I don't know Sheets. Sheets is big. Sheets with a Z. So, uh, my opener was, I saw a KKK guy at Wawa. Shouldn't he be at a Sheets? And, uh, that got a boo. But, uh, yeah. So we, we go into Sheets and it's, you know, it's a hot spot. There's a gas pump outside. It's a thing. We go in there and there's a bunch of Amish kids in the Sheets. No kidding. Are they allowed there? And I go, Raj lives in Lancaster. So I go, what the hell's up with these children of the corn here? You know, they all got long, wispy blonde hair. They're all pale and they smell like fucking shit. These are, these people are dealing with horse manure and cow dung and, and inbreeding. So I mean, these people are on another, they're on another hill. These Amish

folk, these Mennonites. And, uh, I get in line with one of them. They're staring at me. They're just looking right at me. And I'm like, is this kid casting a spell on me? What's going on? Am I gonna, am I gonna go to hell? What is this kid doing? So I get out of there. I was like, what the fuck was that? This 14 year old kid was just staring at me. He's got weird bowl cut. He's got fucked up teeth and I had a couple of whispers, whiskers. And he goes, uh, oh yeah, they don't know social cues because they're fucking Amish. They don't have a TV. They don't have an iPad or a, you know, a dildo or anything. So I was blown away and, and I'm like, well, what are they doing in the, uh, the seven 11? Shouldn't they be, you know, till in a field or killing a goat or

something? And he's like, Oh, they're, they're breaking the rules. They're teenagers. They're cutting loose. Wow. These are like Amish bandits. They sound kind of fun. I mean, they're kind of squirrely and all over the place. It's like deliverance out there. And the girls were all wearing these like gowns with the overalls and the pigtails. And I was like, it's kind of fun. But the boys were a bunch of just sewer rat looking fuckers. Now with the Amish at the show, what's going on with the show? Was the show all right? The show was, it was phantom power. Oh, phantom power. I did that one. That's Amish, baby. It's all out there. Oh, all right. Oh, that sounds, that sounds funner than when I did. I didn't see any Amish. I wish I stopped at sheets. We stopped at

some other thing, but it was more like redneck-y fucking whatever. No offense. It was a little like just like a decrepit old rest stop, but it wasn't a sheets. I don't think, but I would have killed to see some Amish. I feel like we'd fit in with these Amish, bad social cues, bad teeth, a couple whiskers. I mean, other than the haircut, I feel like I could be the leader of these guys. I guess you got a point. And you like a little nature. You like to get out there and use an axe, you know, whatever it is, body spray. So we do two shows. First show is a little iffy. And it's freezing out there. It's like 42 degrees in the, the, I got my, my hand. I got no gloves or anything. And I'm trembling and the guy's like, oh, I put a little barrel of fire on the stage. So you got

your asshole hairs are singeing, you know, and then your fucking hands are freezing. So I do a punch line and I have to go to the, to the fire to get some warmth. It was so cold. Everybody had blankets and these are, you know, PA people. So they're, they're out the cold all the time. So they could handle it, but I was blue. My nose was running. It was a horrible performance. I go in and, you know, when you get cold, you just stand out in the cold for an hour. It's kind of traumatizing. Yeah. You know, so I had to like regroup and I'm trying to sell merch. I couldn't use my hands because it was just not, I couldn't grab. I was like a claw at a, at a arcade. And, you know, some nice people, but then show number two, we got all prepared. The host Audrey, she gave me

some hand warmers and gloves. And I zipped up, I put the gloves on, although you look like a T-Rex coming out there with your notes and everything. And you got your hot cider. I tried to put that on stool. That spilled over. That was bad. I lost the notes. You can't pick it up with those fucking gloves. It was the whole thing, but Tuesdays came out. Hotest shows ever. Fun time in the woods, middle of nowhere. You know, there's trees everywhere and it's, it's fucking darkness, except for that show. Great venue. Greg's the man. Made a bunch of Jew jokes. His wife's Jewish. She was cool with it. Had a blast. Drove back three hours. Made it home at fucking 3 30 in the morning. Hell yeah. Nice. Good gig. Those are good people out there. And, uh, glad at least one of

them went well. 50% is, is good these days. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I'll take it. I'll take 50, especially when the last show is good because you can end on a high jizz. But, uh, I had this one. And I tell me if you had this and if not, feel free to kick me in the balls. And I know we got to wrap up here. So we do the show. The second show just clicked. Like I went dark and they got it and they stuck with me. And this kid comes up to me after blonde kid, almost two blonde, where you could like see through his hair. And he had the blue eyes and the pale skin with a little rosy hue. And he goes, he leans in. He's like, man, what you're saying? Boy, that shit resonates. That shit resonates with me. You know, this country's gone to hell. And what you're saying is

really speaking to me. And I wish I could say it when I don't have the balls. And I'm so angry. And I was like, ah, I think, I think you're the wrong guy. I don't know. I don't know if you got my message. And, uh, his pupil, I think he was, uh, hopped up on some Amish meth or something. But this kid was spooky. Oh God, that sounds terrifying. I know the spooky blonde. I'm familiar. I mean, up in Boston, we got spooky blondes with like red eyelashes and stuff. And then you can just see their scalp because they're two weirdly blonde pale. I'm familiar, spooky blonde. And it sounds, I'd listen back to make sure you're not sending some weird, uh, signals out there that, you know, the, the, the proud gays or whatever. Right. Have you, have you had that?

Uh, I don't, we've had a couple of times with Tuesdays where people tweet and go, you guys know what's up. And then they'll tweet something else. And you're like, what? Yeah. We like to push it a little bit and get a little irreverent and sloppy, but, uh, this kid, he, he, he heard a message that I don't know if I was delivering and boy, it, it spooked me. Yeah. Well, be careful out there. You don't want to spooky blonde, uh, you know, raping his aunt in your name. Yeah. Spooky blonde, by the way, a great brewery. It does sound like a good IPA. Yeah. This kid was, uh, he was an inch away. He was licking my, my facial hair. It was wild, but he was into something, something, something rubbed him

the right way and now we're dating, but it was wild. And we drove back. We had a great time and it's funny cause you see these, these horse and buggies and you go, Oh, that's quaint. And then you get behind one for six minutes. You go, these fucking assholes need some, some lights and electricity. Get this kid off the road. He's taking up my time. Yeah. I respect the, uh, conviction. I feel the same way about Chick-fil-A being closed on Sundays. I respect it and it's impressive to turn away that much money and convenience, but you're fucking me. I want some buffalo chicken sauce, uh, on a Sunday and God's fake. You knit with, come on, open up. Well, I gotta say though, they make a mean waffle fry and they got to kill

the gays on Sunday. They got to, I mean, that's their gay killing day. Chick-fil-A is amazing. And I know they hate the minorities or whatever, but they, they run so efficiently. I love those waffle fries and, uh, I don't know. I love it. So apologies to all the gay gays out there, but, uh, Chick-fil-A is fantastic. I think even a gay guy will admit he's like, yeah, that Chick-fil-A, I don't care about the, uh, the Westboro Baptist church. They make a solid chicken sandwich. Cause if he's going to be showing up at those pizzas from Piquino's, might get a little ugly. Um, all right, we gotta wrap this thing up. We're at, this is a springsteen show over here. We're gonna do it on cores. I mean, this is long. So

we thank you guys. Hope we don't play Atlantic city. Oh, geez. The worst takes of all time. But anyways, we got to wrap it up folks. Tpublic.com is a Tpublic.com. Tpublic. Yeah. Go, uh, Tpublicans. Go get some new shirts. Join the Patreon. We got to do the, uh, the live Twitch, Twitter, whatever the fuck it's called. I feel old, by the way. You're getting old, fatty. You, you, you, you're getting old. You don't like Oreos. It's like you're having sex. Uh, but anyways, join the Patreon and get a Tpublic. And I'll be in Philadelphia, January 7th through the 9th. I think it is helium. Get those tickets because it's going to be limited seating and, uh, go watch the specials, uh, please and, and do whatever,

subscribe to the YouTube, watch the specials, stream the albums, help us out, support your local gay. Yeah. You're nipping on the heels of two mill there, fatty. That's exciting. Oh, is that right? I haven't looked in a while because, uh, you know, it's, I try not to look at it. So I'm trying to get off my phone. I averaged 90 minutes on my phone last week. That's unbelievable, especially in, you know, family time. You know, all you want to do is look at that phone. Yeah. I'm, I'm trying my best to, uh, be better with it. So, but, uh, that's good news. So keep, keep watching, keep spreading and do the things, do whatever, be nice to each other. Here, here, clear, clear, have a beer, spooky blonde, good IPA. We'll see you next time.

Cleave it up, brazella.