Tuesdays with Stories! - #380 Big Swivel

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Mazel tov gays, hot new ep for ya as Mark has a COVID scare before he tries to get into a disease free party before Joe takes a scenic hike and see's a big fight in the park. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Lucy Nicotine Gum (lucy.co code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed be cheesy my radio is spinning at me is the season Jews this season it's Christmas time I'm gay I got a candy cane up my ass I got my tree lit having a blood I love Christmas sorry Jews I love Chris I think the Jews love Christmas

right I mean I think they're right they I think they just full-on have Christmas now yeah yeah I mean you got to do it it's it's we shove it down their assholes I mean it's it's so American the commercials the music but less than it used to be now everything's the holiday in the business and I want to be one of these guys that's like whatever but Christmas rules fuck you take Christmas and stick it in your ass it's great I mean I'm sorry Jews with your beards and your reading from left to right get get a right to left get get a grip I mean we got a frosty the snow we got a Santa we got a tree we got gifts you can't beat

it we got carols they got they got you know Ezekiel or Mortimer so I've been learning a lot about a Christmas Carol my friend Sean Sullivan you know Sean great comic funny funny guy very funny he's got a podcast where it's all about a Christmas Carol it's like a seasonal thing and he talks to people about their favorite version of a Christmas Carol I never got into a Christmas Carol I'm not a Christmas Carol guy is it a Scrooge McDuck Beelzebub what is it what does he say by humbug bug humbug yes which I think is a Middle Eastern dish yeah but it's by humbug and it's it's a Charles Dickens novella yes it

eroded in 1848 or something and a lot of the Christmas spirit in the business I was just reading the Wikipedia page a couple days ago a lot of the Christmas stuff comes from that version the giving spirit the idea of charity and and blowing a guy on Christmas Eve that whole thing comes from Charles Dickens and because they didn't really do that before and Christmas I guess was fading out a little bit or they only did it in the country but not the cities or something right Dickens really stuck it up everyone's ass I didn't know that I had never really watched much of the Dickens so the episode of the podcast I

just know it from SNL not SNL saved by the bell both NBC bullshit shows saved by the bell did a Christmas Carol so we talked about that episode but then I do I watched the 1938 black and white suck my dick citizen Kane style yeah Christmas Carol and it was quite touching it's beautiful it still holds up I mean a good story is a good story and it's poignant with the with the past and the future and the transitioning it's good yeah and the humbug comes from that and Scrooge the term Scrooge is now just part of it you're a real Scrooge you scrooge me Scroogey whatever isn't that interesting it's almost like Seinfeldian

where like yada yada yada not there's anything wrong with that manhands like art can can just bleed into a regular everyday life yeah it really really bled all over the panties in Rwanda but it's pretty excited but here's the thing I'm embarrassed about you know me it's a wonderful life my favorite movie I want to be George Bailey I want to blow Clarence but I didn't realize that it's a wonderful life is so similar to Christmas Carol like it's ghosts and they watch themselves like they ripped it off for Christ's sake completely I mean I thought that was a known thing that it was an updated version much like

West Side Story is Romeo and Juliet I think it's knownish but it's a little bit different I think it's because he's he's watching the future past and present blah blah blah and it's like this is what happens if you keep acting the way you're acting yep whereas George is like this is what would have happened if you weren't around right so there's differences but they both have ghosts they're both I don't know Christmas family Christmas you become a better person all that you know be a nice Christmas story would be like famous people you know like the guy who's came from nothing became the biggest star on

the planet and then you know started beating women and whatever then he died of a drug overdose based on talking about Elvis but like it'd be cool to do a Christmas story that way we were like fat Elvis would come down and go hey man you're doing these karate kicks and you're a young hot piece of a but you better cool it with the pills wait so all Elvis comes and talks to young Elvis no Christmas you're saying yeah yeah just no get the Christmas shit out but I like the idea of the old guy old you coming down to tell you like I mean how many people get famous and then just lose their shit and then go off the rails

and become a drug addict or spend all their money and then they they die alone without a penny I mean aren't there some comedians you'd like to say that to go hey just so you know you're you're tweeting about you know a charity every day I mean you got nine tweets about an election it's time to throw a joke in there maybe get a little silly I mean that wouldn't hurt by the way did Elvis beat women is that something well I don't want to cast dispersions on the king here I don't know that he beat anybody he probably was married he was married to a 15 year old he loved the pain pills he liked to eat peanut butter

and banana sandwiches he died on the can can die on the can is good but I mean hey I used to eat pills and shake my hips but I never hit no games and I fucked a few 15 year olds in the you know morning well I think he was I'm sure he slapped abroad every now and then I mean grew up in the 1910s or whatever you ever see I posted on my Instagram a dog's age ago but you ever see his mother that documentary his mother is identical to Rosie O'Donnell I have seen that it's wild it's up on my Instagram you can scroll and find it or you can just watch the movie which is great I mean it couldn't look more like Rosie

O'Donnell so they got a they should read make an Elvis but maybe the movie you're talking about and get Rosie in there she comes back and she's all fat and whatever there you go and by the way she was a ghoul the husband looked like a fucking gargoyle and that they they together they made this specimen he's like six to beautiful black hair gorgeous face like women love him he's got moves he's like a wigger I mean it was it was like a perfect man yeah that is wild because similarly you know there's a lot of people out there hot people with ugly parents but other hot people that have ugly kids I think so yeah that would

be a fun little Google dive Google image dive like hot people making ugly kids and ugly people making hot kids yeah that's interesting I mean mother nature is a mad scientist as we know but I mean I feel like I look pretty much like my dad similar you know things going on yeah I feel like I'm the exact like half of my mom and dad I got a clip I got tits I got it balls but I'm exactly both of them well it's all interesting stuff but yeah it is the season happy holidays and just a reminder an update a what's that called when they say a program alert who I wouldn't have gotten that here's a program alert as we always do we're

taking next week off we take Christmas off to go be the family but if you're a patreon if you're a patron there will be a live Tuesday December 22nd the eve of Eddie Vedder's birthday there will be a live stream whatever you call it the thing we did a couple weeks ago we're gonna take your questions at 5 p.m. Eastern so get on the patreon if you're not already give the gift of patreon and at 5 Eastern you know to Pacific 4 central mountain time we're gonna be gonna be 69ing on camera here so get on the patreon join that patreon for the holidays and you'll get your episode that way yeah yeah so the real the real

queef so I'll get the the pay dirt the jackpot the the pot of gold at the end so become a member and we're gonna do an AMA ask me anything it'll be live streaming on YouTube yeah we're gonna do some American music awards and American Medical Association yeah a lot of AMAs anal men's awareness that was a great pull anal men's awareness who do you do you learn do you become aware when they fuck in the ass or do you all you're aware before that yeah I think there's like a whiteboard and they kind of draw you know some dicks in your butt and what now it's a brownboard but either way brown brown education

what was brown versus the board that's black kids could go to school with the whites or just any school what exactly is that one no I think brown just the guy's name I don't even think we was talking about the skin color well certainly that's his name I understand that I'm joking but I think that was something with education and I don't think that was segregation I think it was brown versus the board of education I think the board was like I think it just happened to be that the kids name was brown okay I think that worked out and then the board of education was like hey get get Mr. Brown out of here I think

right Shelby can we get a ruling on that I think that's brown versus the board of education give it a good show about because there's some of these cases they just mentioned Roe v Wade is an abortion abortion but some of these they throw out there and you're like oh yeah certainly but I never looked this shit up no who would it's all context also very intimidating when they say you know the city of Los Angeles versus Mike Johnson you're like geez I gotta I gotta take the whole city shouldn't it just be a few people yeah six million people for God six right that's the Holocaust and then sometimes it's the people of the United

States right right that's a little intimidating it's like norms bit it's me versus the world right I never liked that my parents were lawyers so I'd always hear about that shit I was always like geez you're fighting the whole city of New Orleans here it is ruled segregation in schools was on unconstitutional all right you called it yeah well done board of education or brown no brown one oh right well he beat the whole board yeah well the board back then bad board what can brown do for you I'm bored all right I'm joking but man so much to get into I've been up down left right sick healthy gay straight

man woman brown honky you name it I'm all over it all right well we'll get it started I'm gonna throw the ball right into your court and shoot a three if you want or do a layup or you know deflate it well let me let me do that thing that the cool NBA guys do or I'm dribbling down the court and I just hawk it towards the goal and then you jump up catch it and then dunk it I believe that's known as an alley-oop all right well did the the the the globe charters come up with that I don't know who invented the alley-oop I think that's a fun it's a fun name it seems like they would come up with a good name alley-oop

I don't know who chick her and came up with slam dunk he was the Lakers guy and his name was chick which is fun yeah and he was the first one to say slam dunk he's like the Alan freed of basketball but alley-oop probably I don't know I gotta think that's like 70s ish feels all 70s ish because it's kind of playful and fun now everything's like you know n-word coffee dunk sister it's it's kicked up a the way I don't think I'm not sure all thedit tip for sponsor it was from 있고 now a nudge Lauren

an item centered on Kazunesta sit ready please know you already know we're waiting for time ravaged by aids and anal it's it's it's part of the AMA and uh... so whatever it's a great club it's a viny brand club so I go there me and Ian

Lara he drives down we have a great ride down he's one of those guys you get in the car and he's just zinging and zanging he's just a great agony knows comedy is a funny cook and uh... we we do the show we've check in the hotel right when we get to the hotel i'm feeling little nippy

i got the feeling fine all day but now i feel like it cold on the inside who inside cold yes my mother has that yes so i'm like that's weird so let me go up to the hot shower i figure hey we've been out the the the freezing you know northeast air you know with the windows down drive and maybe i'm just chilly we go upstairs

and i'm just getting colder and colder i'm like god damn i got my jacket on i got a hoodie on so i go let me take a hot shower take a hot shower all the way up all the way to hot still not getting guy it's like kramer i couldn't my core i need my core to warm up that's war island of the covers i i'd shivering you know and then

i go i got a show tonight so i go downstairs i try to fake it and i go downstairs i meet in we go to the club and you know you get to the green room you meet everybody hey you doing is your opener here's your manager here's your waitress whatever do the show show goes great and you know me and even when i have a few we've want to tilt a few so we start drinking

and i'm just freezing the whole time we were indoors the heat is on the heat is on and i'm freezing but i'm trying to hide it and we're all hanging out busting balls we go back to the hotel and i just get under the covers again and i'm trembling up my teeth are chattering i'm like well i got something this is bad

i don't know what's going on i might have covered i'm freaking out so i find i just lay there for hours my brain is like mushy and hot time i'm my body is hot but i feel cold never a good sign no that's uh... that's a bad sign some googling covid symptoms and i gay am i dead what do i got here is it's curvy

and you know you can't google it's it's all it's all shit it's like we might have this you might have that you know you coughed once that means your uh... dad's effect or whatever it is so i'm just freaking out so i'm like do i tell the manager do i tell the club owner what do i do here and i go let me just see how i feel in the morning i finally fall asleep at five thirty in the morning wake up at ten a.m. pool of sweat

uh... boy yeah but i feel better but i'm in a pool of sweat oh okay but i try to do the right thing and i go all right this is this is probably covid it's gotta be something so i call the club manager and i go i think i should get tested i feel like hell and he's like can you do the shows and i'm like i don't know let's see

so he picks me up and by the way when people think you have covid they treat is like getting the back keep the mask on don't look at me you know uh... windows down i don't want to talk to you i don't hear from you i don't want to know you and you feel like an idiot back i got my head hanging out the window like a fucking cocker spaniel we finally get to the test hundred fifty bucks do the rapid

negative who i mean first of all i agree people can be so prickly when you have a horrible fever during a massive pandemic that's killed a quarter of a million people they get so standoffish i don't blame the guy i'm just saying it's a it's a it's a shift it's certainly how you get treated

it's shifty but so you got the rapid that now are you standing there you're trying to make it look like you need that you're not in the pool of sweat you don't have chill i guess is it a thing you nervous the people that start throwing rocks and eggs at you well i mean it was it was you know eleven a.m. so i got his car went straight to the clinic got the test

went back to the hotel and i just waited so i wasn't like around people and then uh... you know an hour and a half later i get your negative and i was like oh well it's one of the things i got the call i was like you sure really and then i just took it easy all day and like just laid down again and you know he ends like let's get lunch let's go to this and i'm like i'm out i don't want to tell anybody but i got to the club and i

i came clean but we did two shows that night got drunk to two shows the next night and uh... all's well that ends well so what do you think you got a little bug a little something crawled in your ass i think i had a twelve hour flu jizz bug up my dick hole uh... and it just came and went that that breaking of

the sweat was was the game changer well that is fast because you don't hear much about the twenty four hour bug these days the twelve hour bug but i guess there has to be regular bugs out there i mean the bugs are they're alive i mean we still have bugs yeah it's a bug's life you know so i was

i think my body was just trying to fight something in me for ten hours and it finally did it and then it was like alright we can take a breather well you're probably a healthy guy you get some vitamin diesel well you know about covid melatonin i looked at when they showed trumps cocktail i snapped a photo and it's melatonin vitamin d and famotody which i take every day for reflux

and melatonin you take all the time and uh... all the time yes so you know maybe maybe you got some uh... you know a good defense system in there because melatonin if it beats covid or fights covid it must fight other shit i guess i guess yeah and i mean we're relatively young we're thin uh... we're podcasting zoom wise we're douchey we've

i wear a mask i follow the most of the protocol so but hey you never know it can happen uh... i mean we just had seventeen friends of ours get covid so i figured oh well they they all just got it that news is broke so i'm like i must have it yeah well it's good to know that you didn't and you don't and uh... how are the shows uh... shows are great i mean but here's the problem though is there's a ten o'clock curfew in town

so usually the show starts at eight and ten now the show started six and eight so a six o'clock show in a shit town is uh... no bueno i mean it was rough we had twelve people on the saturday early yikes so then the saturday late was like killer i love those times though with people that's the same thing i had when i was in

foxborough we had you know eight people at the first one and sold out the second one but i love the time in that i like being done at nine thirty is like beautiful that was i mean we drove back i was in my bed by twelve oh one thanks to fatty and lara cuz he'd be fucking hauled ass back by the way shout out to ian he missed an exit on the highway pulled off of the shoulder waited and just

reverse that puppy right back into the the main highway we took off it sounds like the most reckless gig i've ever heard of in my life you're back up on the highway you're doing shows with the fever during a pandemic i mean this is this is your out out cat what do you call it outlaws outlaw yeah we're pushing it baby no holds anal and uh... we had a we had a great weekend we did it up and all man we went to this uh...

i guess it's caribbean or jamaican restaurant and it was brunch on saturday we go in we just want to get a fucking burger and it's like a default dj you can't even hear each other speaking i'm the only white guy there i walk in it goes you know and then we sat out we have chicken and waffles and uh... it was the weirdest brunch ever but i had it with me so i was cool

nice what what kind of what's jamaican food all about that doesn't sound pleasant to me it was uh... i don't know if it was jamaican but it was definitely some black owned thing with like collard greens and you know black eyed peas and all that so it's like southern comfort food mixed with brunch mixed with creole

cuckolding i don't know they got a mac and cheese situation i got the mac and cheese okay alright now we're talking i like mac and cheese i like cuckolding i like black so that sounds okay i could get through that it was great we had a great great time uh... so then hightail it back but i got so much here i did you please jump in because i

don't want to hog the mic too much here now go i got a couple things i'll sprinkle them in i'll spritz and sprinkle all right so the next night i'm back in the the big apple and this kid shon malia i don't know if you saw he did it uh... shoot for me in jersey where he posted me trying new jokes called joke tweaking in jerseys a twenty one year old piece of nothing and this kid is so motivated and he said you want to do my podcast i said sure i go meet up on sixtieth and first right by blooming dales

he's got his own studio it's all jacked out with cameras and lights and it's like there's like ten kids they're smoking weed they're all twenty one years old these youngsters man they they got it figured out well i mean that sounds amazing to me i i don't know how all these whippersnappers have all these setups i uh... i'd lament the fact i remember

back in two thousand nine uh... nick de paul was opening for him he had this web guy mike baker who was like the super web guy he's like you can't afford me but i think you're the future of comedy and i want to help you and he was telling me about twitter and instagram he got me all signed up and he connected all of them he's like the youtube is the future yet i connected my youtube and my gmail the thing and i was drinking of course the time

and i remember just being like what the fuck are you talking about i just ignored all of it and it's like the ghost of christmas Elvis or whatever we were talking about right blue christmas i wish i could go back i had i had a guy telling me giving me the secrets giving me the passwords i did nothing with any of it and now i'm over here just going can somebody subscribe to my youtube i got forty eight youtube followers

and then twitter i didn't use for five years i'd literally just i had one tweet that said trying to figure this out yeah and i feel like such a fucking dummy but all these kids they have the podcast see we didn't have bill burr and jim gaffigan going here's what you gotta do these whippersnappers not to mention they're fucking slipping into my dm's i had a kid hiding in the bushes the other day asking me to punch up his script i'm like

that they're bold these young assholes they're bold they're entitled they're country but they're they're clever i mean these kids again they're twenty one twenty two i mean do you remember we were doing it twenty one or twenty two no because we were the blackout i was scaling some building that had scaffolding with my pants down while i so i could strategically shit in my friend's cup from two floors up you know that's what i

was doing when i was twenty one you know we're spray-pain we're skateboarding where we're finger-popping whatever it is but these kids like i'm gonna work this up and i'm gonna sell it to gary v then he's gonna buy it we already got three sponsors uh... mountain dew is is one of them and and we were on spotify were on this all these kids did was work for spotify listen to rap shitty mumble wrap and then be like this this they're like this

guy's the next beaver right here i'm like who who's this like some kid florida i mean they're so advanced i think they're beaver the other something to like obviously with the internet and all these new apps and and technology but there's something to the fact that like we didn't have a phone growing up we were just left to our own devices we were like stray cats and these kids are so tuned up and dialed into the to society that they can

just accomplish way more and that's funny we were left without our own devices uh... uh... but i was thinking about that the other day because i was my niece and nephew i was hanging with them and they were like okay you go text me when you come here call this time isn't it so funny to think about

when we were kids we left and nobody knew where we were for hours like you know the age of like ten yeah you're just gone for for a day and then just like be back at eight and i was in the woods nobody knew anyway nobody knew that was totally normal and you could have been with a cub scout masker who was diddling your your nips you could have been you know in the ocean drowning you could have been driving

you know with a beer between your legs they didn't know and that was part of it and this perks to that you know i think you grow up quicker major ballsy or bolder but uh... yeah i had perks all the time i loved them yeah exactly so that this this pros and cons to this but like

these kids that they're gonna start their lives so much sooner you know i didn't start my life till twenty six or whatever i moved in new york and got things going but these kids started seventeen and they already got like a production company they got a podcast they got a porno channel they got an app pretty amazing but that's the ones that use it right because some of the kids right all the numbers are going down of sex people having sex later getting a license later

they're doing less because they're all fucked up and suicide is like through the roof through the roof autism is through the roof anxiety and pill addiction is through the roof so yeah there's this with every good thing comes uh... bill cosby also through the roofies uh... hey speaking of which some of these kids are probably out there smoking things and this episode of tuesday's with stories is brought to you by

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and let them support your balls i'm gonna get some more myself i could use so because i've been you know staying in my underwear and do you wear the same underwear two days in a row ever my wife hates me she's like i could never do that cuz my pussy stinks and it leaks but i do it i'm fine i do it too i feel like i got two days and then i flip it and where i'd reverse it and then wear that side for two days

yeah i think i think we're fine but it sucks to have a pussy because those pussies there's just like legos and bottle caps falling out of them this puss this toothpaste it's very bizarre it's tough it's like a a runny nose all the all day you know it's and you know there's eggs and placenta all kinds of weird shit paper clips but yeah alright so

back to the program uh... when did the hyenas hyenas where the hyenas oh history hyena the careful doing that pod i know that's a covid den over there but uh... weirdly chris d never got it so it's just weird little covid's like a weird little picky and choosy mom choose jiff and they pick who gets it he never got it i never got it so we i took yonah's place and uh...

it was fun i mean they got a big studio bay ever in a bay ridge never in my life oh maybe i drove around there on the way to stony brook college uh... but no not really i mean it's a little it's like an i always say it's a nineteen ninety eight museum down there it's like old new york the deli guy the butcher guy with the blood all over him and i'll tell you this it feels like a place you say uh... merry christmas not happy holidays if you know what i mean

live region loud and clear yeah but just beautiful brown stones and every lawn is manicured though the oceans right there are the bay whatever you call it you should check it out do a do a day trip with the gal it's funny you say that because i was just watching news one the that little city news that's yeah great great news by the way love it it is to be on it comes on new york one and they were in bay ridge and you know i

love saturday night fever and uh... and they showed the bridge of the background i said hey i should pop down there sometime and be a bay ridge roller but uh... i'll have to go check it out but never been yeah it's cool that i mean we did a whole super chat we made some money but just a great great hang and uh...

things like feels like things are kind of turning for are not in our favor for the comedy world yeah i think so i hope so i don't know i mean uh... we're doing great they're doing great this i've been saying this for quite a while by the way is that you know all of the stuff we hate the sjw pc cancel culture it allows shows like us in our friends to people go thank god is a place we can go for this stuff right and so we're actually benefiting quite a quite a bit from it as as

terrifying as it is it is terrifying and scary but yeah i mean we just funny first i hate to be that come guzzling nazi who says that dumb phrase but you know you you say a horrible thing about a guy in a wheelchair falls down some stairs we just try to get a laugh i don't actually hate wheel chaired men tumbling down a case of stairs it's just go for a yuck here yeah if you're in a wheelchair you deserve to die exactly that's why i put a broomstick between your spokes

so fun times in the big apple but we got a gig on friday down in austin who i love austin i mean we've always loved austin you got a special place in your anal cavity for it it's it but it's it's kicked it up a notch i mean austin it feels like l.a. now it's like hot people celebrities elon musk is doing heroin in an alleyway

with a cowboy hat on rogan's there chappell is there ron white all these people and you're like i gotta move here you you land you got the plane not to mention new york is like a fucking limp dick you know everything closes at two that's cold as hobos the barrel fires austin is just popping it is on it's on fire in a good way yeah i went the last time i was there this summer i was there in july and sarah's sister lives there she's got a great big apartment like

she lived in estoria moved to austin during the whole business we go to her place i mean it's like spectacular she's got a balcony you can see the capital i'm out there meditating and you know smoking a cigar and she's got an island in her kitchen don't you want an island in your kitchen she's got a kitchen island epstein's island love that island there's nothing like an eye you feel like an adult and it's warm in the neighborhood and magnolia and all that shit you love and i said the same thing i was like we should just fucking move here

fucking yeah because it i mean now's the time it's about to blow up real estate wise i'd imagine uh and yeah we went we were there all weekend it's fucking two weeks till christmas the sun is out at 65 degrees we're on bikes we're kayaking it just has a better vibe i mean you you know we live in new york it's a shooting every day and uh most of that's me with jizz on my lady's back but still it's just so uh i feel like new york's like a big dick everybody wants a big dick but right now it can't get hard

the energy is gone all right i'm gonna push back a little bit on that but uh well i love it of course but well the problem is you know we got a big pandemic here the whole situation i mean if all things being equal no no pan i'm still taking new york over austin is great i'd rather live in new york and visit austin than live in austin and visit new york i think personally but i could be persuaded but i like the new york diner scene anytime of day in normal times but i'll get into this a little bit later

because i want to hear about austin but yesterday it was 58 degrees here in in new york in december no problems and i got a nice group of people together in central park we all went to shake shack we all fucked in the ass and it was fantastic that central park with the skyline on a nice day and it was great people throwing frisbees again i'll get into it a little more later but new york has still got the goods when it's good we have when it's good there's nothing better it's the best city in the world i think and uh look you're talking to a guy who's

got two places here so i ain't leaving i'm just saying that austin really tickles your taint a little bit you go uh and you know i got the lady on my arm and she's like this is fucking great the sun is shining she's got a one of those big hats on and uh it was it was a magical couple days just wanted to throw that out all right you like the big hat not really but a lady can pull it off she got the sunglasses on the sun is shining hey you know she was uh she was vacation mode yeah it's fun if you're being i think the hat is

fun if you're being silly you go i'm wearing a hat it's sunny it's goofy it's the kandaki derby but these people you see with just a regular hat they got like like they're in a band you know that hat that like the patrice o'neill hat and like a hipster lady i'm like what are you doing now it's so forced that you can tell they were in their mirror for 20 minutes going can i do this can i pull this off and you're like you kind of think no but you're a lady so i'm not gonna you know i'm not gonna shit in your hat right all right so tell me more about austin you're there you're doing what are

you at what what are you working so this guy hit me i shouldn't say this because my agent's gonna rape me but this guy hit me up he goes hey we're open for business if you want to come down i feel like we could sell some tickets i got a restaurant blah blah blah i said the money was amazing i said i'm in this guy took care of me they usually do shows in la but once again they took their whole business to to keep austin weird and it was phenomenal it was great and i did i did the rogan show so you get that whole thing so now you're getting paid to go down there and do rogan which is a

huge huge honor and all that crap and it was great the only problem was right when we announced tickets hey chappelle's coming to town with co-headlining with rogan and michelle wolf and mo hammer and you know wilsel vince and all that shit so we kind of got screwed there big j was there bill burr was there i mean it was like it was a moon tower jesus that's what i was gonna say it sounds like moon tower down there my god it's comedy disneyland down there and the sunshine i had

barbecue with big j i did rogan's pot i got drunk with michelle wolf i mean it was just it was magic wow that sounds amazing i mean i haven't seen wolf since february i missed the wolf wolf's doing great i mean she's she's putting them back as usual and uh i got tickets to my lady to go to see chappelle she was blown away well she said wolf killed and uh you know just great time got tested she got tested and we just we just lived it up we day drank all day on saturday i did two shows sold some merch and here i gotta give a shout out to a guy named

bailey huge twos gay huge fan look what he got me kind of a callback to last week whoa the gerry playboy yes mint that's the beauty wow where did he find that these people just have playboys laying around i know i he said something moved in a new house and there was a stack of them and he saw this one and he said i'm going to the norman show i'm bringing it i mean i give it to him we got a photo we hugged we we we were gonna reach around and the rest is history now that's amazing see i'm jealous of that because you can frame that and

put it on the thing you got a seinfeld i can't be framing el mcpherson i can't just put up an el mcpherson in the house i mean first of all you know my wife's gonna shit onions but if people are just like why do you have el mcpherson who's el mcpherson why is she up there great pantyhose but the seinfeld one that's an actual you know hey i like gerry that's why i have a bunch of tits on my wall exactly exactly yeah that's tough by the way that's from 1993 isn't that wild wow yeah this is wild the show is in full swing

i mean uh yeah just uh now i gotta tell you this little tidbit that i'm gonna turn it over so every night i'm there friday and saturday flew home sunday so friday night big after party chappels in town he's gonna rent a hotel roof blah blah blah so the lady lands i do my shows she visits some friends in town we link up and i say let's go to the chappel after party wolf is there wilsel vinces there rogan's there the whole whole kitten caboo so she goes great i get the scoop cypher sounds let's me know where it is we show up

it's on the penthouse of this beautiful hotel and you know right downtown and the guy goes whoop whoop whoop whoop who do you know here and you can see the whole party in the back i'm like oh geez that's a celebrity there's that guy and i go hey uh michelle wolf told me to come and he's like have you been tested i said i did rogan today he tests you he goes all right all right what about her and i go she got tested last week and he goes that that's that's bullshit get out so she the lady was a trooper and she was like just go i'll hang out you want to

see your friends i was like i can't i can't leave you so i went with her and so you know we had a drink at a bar alone sadly but we still got saturday night okay so saturday night she goes to the chappelle show at stubs 400 people bananas the whole thing rappers and djs and everything she gets a rapid test negative so i do my shows we link up we go tonight's the night we show up they go who do you know here i go i know michelle wolf i know sypha and they're all waving at me and he goes all right has she been tested now

and i go she got tested at the chappelle show tonight and he goes great what about you i got tested yesterday with rogan they go ah you're killing me man and i go come on i've been hanging out with her all day she got tested so therefore i'm probably clean they go wish i could help you so i chatted with michelle wolf six feet away for 10 minutes and i had to go so you have to get tested every single person that's in there got tested that day that day which and they all had rapid tests yeah i guess it kind of makes sense because

if you're really gonna play with uh with jizz like that you want to be safe i just can't believe this place that's having a big party is that you think they'd be like lift the rope get in here fuck it covid's fake who gives a shit they do not fuck around they're not taking any chances because they could get sued or you know they're already pushing it with these parties and these shows and the traveling and all that so like they and they're not taking any they're taking every precaution wow a one day later no ten that's tough i mean that's tough

sledding but uh i guess good for them good for them i mean they're they're doing it up they're doing it right i guess but i was like come on i know wolf i know will so then i went down to the lobby and had a couple drinks and then will came and hang out with me could you be like hey what if i put a pair of panties on my head and and you can blindfold me so i can't spit on anybody or whatever i really try to plead with the guys like dude look i'm not some schmo off the street i know all these idiots and uh he was like uh no can do fatty

so see that's interesting because we talk about new york is tough and the laws and the rules but in new york you could walk up until this week you could walk into a restaurant no test at all they didn't ask you there you're gonna get tested every day so it all swivels out it's a big swivel i i suppose he can swivel but yeah yeah they they they are strict damn so no party for me oh well parties are overrated anyways i hate parties i just wanted the photo op i wanted to get rogan a headlock and dug him but i

did the pot i went to his cool uh cool studio that looks like the inside of an asshole and a fucking proctology exam but uh it looks like a spaceship how was it was it uh like does it feel like i picture that place i've seen photos it feels like you say give me a pepsi and it comes up from the table and it does it's like that he's got a vending machine because i flew there at like seven a.m landed he's like where the hell are you because he's you know he's got 18 million things on a schedule and i go

i'm in the uber and the guy was listening to him in the uber wow and i go i'm in the uber right now i'll be there in 10 minutes the guy's listening to you he goes don't tell him who i am you fucking i was like oh shit you're right you're right sorry because i'm going to his place you know right so i was like oh shit you're right sorry sorry so then i get there and it's very standoffish and then i got tested we had to wait 15 minutes we chatted about quomo made fun of him and then i got a negative so then we're in but he's got a vending machine

full of all this like protein bars beef jerky on it pills coffee and it's all free so i was just i sat by the vending machine for 30 minutes why don't we have the these 15 minute tests they should be mass making them the l president they should use the whatever that's called the presidential power to be like hey Nike Reebok fucking you know Gibson guitars you're all making the 15 minute test you're made everybody just get these 15 minute tests at the Rose Bowl so we can have a fucking Rose Bowl for god's sakes

well i think they're like 200 bucks each or that's what SNL does they're paying out the wahoo for these tests thank you they should pay some riders for the show too but i mean that sounds amazing i mean we could have all these events with these 15 minute tests not to mention this remdesivir shit that they're sticking up Chris Christie's ass that he's better in two days they should be mass making this oh we all like the trump cocktail whatever they gave that psycho give it to us the cocktail i'm over here snorting

melatonin like an amateur give me that remdesivir you know put it on a cock and let me swallow it so we can all get back to business here here i mean i'm down for the vaccine shoot that vaccine into my ball bag and i'll jizz and every kid's mouth in the city and we'll all be clear i can't wait for the vaccine hey speaking of things that are great we also have one more sponsor here don't let's not forget these guys oh man scaped i love man scaped i literally used it yesterday the little razor thing i forget what it's called the ball saver

it's probably in here so the lawn mower the lawn mower yes ball saver lawn mower i used it the other day i was playing with my balls and i was ripping out pubes left and right because they're all too lengthy i went in there zipped it right off i'm clean as a whistle right now i look like my nephew and it's just beautiful it works great it's got a little light on it which is nice it helps you see everything it's really great get man scape they are the only men's brand dedicated exclusively to below the belt grooming and hygiene

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and the crop reviver which the crop reviver excuse me which will keep your balls smelling fresh just like spring flowers tell them how to get it here here big fan of the man scape i keep that lawn mower in my bag and i just use it all all day on the road the battery is amazing i love the light big fan of these guys and they throw in all the anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer they they keep you smelling fresh uh when you order the performance package get 20 off and free shipping when you use the code Tuesdays at manscape.com that's

manscape.com and use the promo code Tuesdays plural like your balls for 20 off your first order and always use the right tools for the job um boy good stuff i mean that sounds amazing i got it's funny because sarah with my wife was in austin while you were there i was supposed to be there originally yeah but uh we got divorced so i didn't go it's about time but she's been gone all week this is crazy she's gonna walk in any minute here as we're recording she's on her way back from the airport but i'm living a

strange life over here because she went from monday to monday or tuesday to monday she's been gone and i just had the place to myself and i gotta say a lot of things first and foremost such a treat by the way i feel i mean i feel like kistan's over here after susan died i'm playing guitar i'm i got her panties on my head i'm like the the shit everywhere i had to do a deep clean this morning i had three girls over here and two guys and one cup and yeah it's so strange and i gotta say i feel so much gratitude to all the tuesdays out there and there must be a million

solo single tuesdays because we got a strange bunch out there sure live in this covid life by yourself i mean i would have fucking shot myself right in the face already yeah because it is lonely and i'm fine all day i'm choosing the movies i'm doing whatever i'm getting takeout but at night that deciding to go to bed by yourself you're like all right i guess i'll walk into the bedroom now it's very strange it is well you get accustomed to the the the other human body around and it makes such a difference even if sarah doesn't talk i know what she talks

she hit her but even when she's quiet it still is a still a human body there and it's warm and it's something to bounce off of and hug and hold and when that's gone it's it's a cold breeze coming through that bourgeois well you know me i i i get anxiety when i try to go to sleep i get sleep anxiety and then the morning so what helps me is i'm trying to go to bed and i know she's tiktok until 5 a.m so to know there's an awake breathing body next to you when you're trying to sleep to that at any moment i can be like hey babe i'm i'm trying to sleep i'm

thinking about my dad fucking my mom over here it's keep me up sure and she'll say you know i am too but so it's just hard staring at that ceiling alone so i felt very alone grateful to have this uh this game and my my thoughts and prayers go out to all the the single gays out there yeah i mean thank god for porn and only fans i think that's keeping a lot of people from uh you know pulling the trigger to the temple but it's basically the plot of home alone in the beginning you're like

woo let's get a pizza let's you know put on an old movie and fuck with the pizza guy and chug some coke and you know build some little uh silhouettes to dance on a chuchu train and all that rocking around the christmas tree and then 20 minutes in you're like oh god i miss my fucking mom that's what i did i slept with the frame photo of her naked under my pillow and i looked at it every night before bed so it was strange but uh so yesterday as mentioned as teased they said hey it's going to be 60 degrees well first i hit up

jason canter our pal thursday was going to be warm warm ish was like 48 and sunny and i i called him and i said hey i'm going to harem and state park i'm going hiking this is how i like to do it i guess i'm a control freak it's bad i like to make the full plan and then you invite a person to come along oh that's evil this is what i'm doing well it is it is what i'm doing you're welcome along i've already made the thing i'm going to harem and i've done these with you and you try to throw a detour in and your whole world crumbles well here's what happens a lot and people

it sounds like i'm the asshole but it's these other people you go hey i'm gonna go hiking and you come along if you'd like which is nice to extend an invite these people go instead of hiking why don't we go to the beach why don't you come to my house why don't we go to movies and you're like because this is the activity right you're welcome to come along now if we were sharing a house for a month in a week i'd go hey what are we doing today what do you guys think right i'm a democratic guy but in this

situation this is what i want to do so it's what i'm doing and if you'd like you can you're welcome to come so i go hey we're going to harem and then we're going to chick filet and then we're 69 and he goes hey i'm in great you know so yeah i get in the car i pick him up and it's so exciting now because with all the covid there's this limited socializing i scoop them up we pretend to wear our masks in the car for 30 seconds then we share drive up to harem and beautiful day

there's zero people on the trail we hike i mean literally we didn't see one single person you know we're screaming the n-word it was just so much fun yeah that's a beautiful park up there 50 minutes north of the city what's it called harem and harem it sounds uh he brew i'm not sure what it is but uh we didn't see any men or women go up there beautiful day great height good to get out there you know and uh just spectacular they will look at the weather we're like not gonna be many more like these we realize sunday

55 and sunny put together one of my famous central park hangs and once again it's december so there's nobody there we go to sheep meadow you know we were there in the summer it's just packed it's like a concert in there yesterday nobody in the park except for like maybe 10 people and we had a great group killer group we sat and ended up being strangely muddy so we sat in the mud we all had dirty asses we talked movies comedy we busted balls shit on each other and then right as the conversation is getting good we just hear

you mother fucking faggot piece of shit how do i know you're not looking at her phone right now you fucking cocksucker you're a fucking bitch we look over and we got a first-class new york cuckoo head oh it was um woman it was a bobby slating set sorry you know the frisbee people they have that that frisbee with the hole in it and they throw it like 400 yards across the thing there's a whole group of these people every time they're there so they evidently

some of them are on draw i don't know what they are but this lady must have thought her man was cheating or texting and it was manager in an umpire she's punching him in the face like winding up and punching she kept telegraphing all her punches because the guy was like perfectly blocking it every time yeah and then he gave her like a face mush what do you call that when you palm the face oh yeah it was like a brief face mush and i mean it went on for 25 minutes we're all laughing doing play by play having a great time

and then she would leave and come back and she's like everyone thinks i'm crazy y'all think i'm crazy i'm not crazy it was hilarious amazing and then she kept throwing the frisbee every once in a while she'd just like whip the frisbee to some guy like 300 feet away and wait so he was cheating she found out then he she attacked him i'm not sure she said she kept saying give me your phone and then she said both phones and then it was like a classic argument thing where she's like give me your phone and then when he gave her the phone she was like i bet you already erased it so she was

already setting up to not find right and at one point she kind of settled down a little bit and we had two women in our group and i was like i'll give a hundred dollars to one of you to walk up to that guy and say hey you texted me too much i don't know who this bitch you texted me about and i was like it would be so amazing but then she would go crazy yeah and then she's going crazy again the whole park's looking at her and some psycho whisperer came up to her and he was like in the group i guess he had like a he was dressed like marnie mcfly he put his arm around her walked away and

they sat down indian style and just kind of chatted quietly so he's got the goods on her whatever it is wow he's the coups whisperer he knows how to calm her down exactly so whatever it was it was it was a fun event we sit there for two hours we really missed you we had a good time and we had two frisbees ourselves there was about eight of us so we all spread out because there was so much room we're throwing two frisbees at once hey who it was shooting it across and some people suck at frisbee some are good yeah and great time and then we say hey i'm starving i'm hungry i'm hungry i go let's go to shakeshack everybody

goes yeah shakeshack everyone's jumping up and down we're high fiving we walk across the park we go to shakeshack the seven of us and they go we could seat seven of you inside downstairs if you want there's nobody down there so we all look we're like is everybody game to everyone goes yeah what the fuck fuck it so we got the hole downstairs it was like a private birthday party at shakeshack it was like me louie donnelly fiori uh canter isabel canter's new squeeze we all go down there we get double cheeseburgers louis gets three

cheeseburgers i get two big piles of fries we're all sharing spittin orgy great time and it was the eve of restaurant shutting down so we got in whether getting was good the last indoor dining good group of seven lot of laughs and then we we were the only ones down there so we were just zinging and zanging down that sounds amazing it was great and then we all walked all the way from the upper west over to 59th and fifth avenue and it was like Seinfeld when they get off the train they each go their individual way it was like great hang wake up today it's 30 degrees and pouring rain just a

miserable overcast day but we we got it while the getting was good so we got a hope for a couple more climate changey 55 degree days and we can all run out in the park and have a nice time it'd be nice yeah wow that sounds incredible and yeah it's all shut down now so you you got that last orgy in before the the cult drank the koolaid oh and it's so fun when everybody it reminds me of drinking when you're like what about shake shack and everybody just fully agrees that's what we're doing and louis and donnelly have been dining but they're

like oh fuck it yeah like they just they relapse and they're probably both dead now but sure oh it was great that the grease the catch up the whole thing and uh all that stuff you love i love it man now how good do you feel when you throw out the shake shack idea and it works out it's a great feel i mean like at first of all it wasn't just like okay i could do shake shack everybody was like yeah and we got you know we got shakes and burgers the whole thing great yes great fun great day boy that's a beauty and yeah the new new york uh

new york weather is like a like a fluctuating crazy broad with mood swings i don't know what's it's good one day it's freezing and the next day it's sunny and nice yeah it's it's bizarre so you gotta just hope for a couple more i'm sure we'll get a couple more 50 degrees because you know you're um it's like late at night when you're trying to fuck your uh standards go down you're like 48 let's go on a picnic yes exactly exactly yeah like last call you really dropped that bar you know and you'll take anything

so yeah that was that and uh also just want to tell everyone again about the patreon we are rocking and rolling we just did a live patreon which so many people came to and had great questions i would say tuesdays have the best questions of any podcast fans thoughtful interesting questions and uh we got we got smart fans i think they're they're interesting and uh thinkers you know yeah they're wise and they're thoughtful good people and also uh i started doing this show with ronon we're just talking movies

bullshitting and it's on the patreon it's on my youtube too but if you don't want to look at our fat dumb faces it's on the patreon you can listen to it as a podcast on the patreon if you're not familiar or go to my youtube i'm trying to get back those years i lost on the youtube situation yeah so uh go subscribe because most of you are not subscribed the numbers are not pretty so get over there get on the patreon get on the youtube and uh i don't know blow your father i guess yeah yeah blow everybody and i gotta give a

shout out to my pal ron he opened a burger pop up in new orleans called uh bubs burgers and uh he hooked me up when i went to new orleans with a bunch of uh free burgers and the food was great the fries were great so just use me i mentioned shake shack i got to throw that to big ronnie ronnie rechart love a good cheeseburger nothing like and when i say good cheeseburger we talked about this at shake shack i like like a good fast food in and out shake shack all the burgers that they're like you got to go to this restaurant and get the burger it's always too much meat

it's not fun i don't get it like they're like manetta lane this thing i'm like shake shack is better than manetta lane or whatever iron burger whatever the fuck it's called black iron lung yes i feel the same way they build that with everything you gotta go to this place i'm like i just want a bud light and a fucking hand job i don't need this uh artisanal pilsner and a reach around just give me the basics yeah love a basic basic bitch basic broad i also want to plug our friend eric

newman has an album and uh he said hey can you plug my album i said sure he's got coven so for god's sakes get the guy's album i forget the name of the i think it's called super spreader it's uh it's filmed with the seller he gave it to everybody for free no no i'm sure it's fun uh oh oh i got a big a big announcement apropos of nothing whatever that means i got somebody to rent the apartment hey that's great news huge monkey off my tits and uh she's a nice asian lady she draws for comic books she's a big nerd and she she went in hook line and sinker i mean i lowered the price down to 11.99

a month but still it's off my back don't let her hear any episodes in the archives for god's sakes oh yeah you got that right uh she's from uhan i mean she's a super nice lady she won't wear a mask but yeah she's uh thank you sister i forgot her name but yeah you're saving my ass here oh my god this is a miracle so it's a co-op though right i mean do you have to fix a sink if the sink breaks what happens with that i go in there with a tool bag and i cut the sleeves off my shirt i grow a mustache i show my ass crack i'm gonna be under there with google like uh figuring it out like

i'm gonna be watching a tutorial while i'm fucking fixing the sink like a bad porno oh god that's terrifying to me but you know what can you do you'll do it you'll do fine you'll be a great landowner or homeowner whatever the hell it's called homo but i i it's so scary because i will wrap this up but she when you when you i'm showing her the place i'm giving her the keys and you realize how much of a shit box it is when someone new is moving in right she's like uh does that window is you gonna fix that i was like oh shit i didn't know the window is broken yeah yeah we'll get on that she's like what about the dead raccoon in the tub you're like oh yeah yeah we'll get on that and

she's like does this light work i'm like that lights never worked so everything's fucked but you you realize it when someone new moves in yeah that's tough it's funny too because you've like graduated from there so yeah like yeah it's you gotta watch them whatever it's like if you dump an ugly chick for a hot chick and then you hook your friend up with the ugly chick and then you watch them fuck for a couple bucks perfect analogy i'll watch you fuck for free or whatever you want and uh she's a nice lady and i feel like i'm jipping her but hey it's new york dog eat dog and she loves to eat dog so uh it's all working out uh all right what a what an app i think we really did something there oh yeah sorry but i feel like i hogged this one but

you gotta get that rogan out no so when does rogan the episode come out i'm assuming i did it on friday and it's still not out so i'm assuming either tomorrow or the next day it's gotta be out by tuesday or today i should say uh but he you know he stockpiles he's got like 17 people going in and out there it's like a conveyor belt of rock climbers scientists racist uh jews and and comedians and that's just you uh classic all right keep an eye out for that go subscribe to the youtube and subscribe to our youtube the tuesdays with stories youtube the videos up there and you get it a week early if you get on the patreon so do all the fun stuff and the the fucking t public we got t shirts yes the shirts are killing it buy a shirt give us a gift also our our specials you're you're

you're just licking the taint of a of a tube mill and let's get that puppy over before oh uh 2021 i'm doing my special your special yeah check it out mindful metal jacket i got a thing with sam i'm doing where we get drunk on on the on the zoom and uh yeah let's go one more drink sam's new special sorry sam's new special on the roof up on the roof up on the roof yeah go watch that subscribe comment go fill the comments with tuesday go hey sam maril's the best comic ever love tuesdays and really get that algorithm cooking yes all right i think that'll do it so uh george saying cut your tip of your dick off brazella