Tuesdays with Stories! - #382 Just The Grub

Episode Date: January 5, 2021

It's our first jizzin' episode of 2021 as Mark get's drunk on New Year's in Tampa while Joe get's spooked by a gun guy while on a hike before having a poop related catastrophe. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), Native Deodorant (nativedeo.com/stories or use code: stories), & Hawthorne (hawthorne.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to the first Tuesdays with stories of 20 21 we're in the future mark oh you're right it's funny how everybody thought their lives would change hey it's gonna be a new year but we're still losers come on

oh yeah those people are retarded there's the people that that were like a new year and they're each I don't want to just get political right off the bat here but there's the people on the one side that are like new year it's gonna be a May 20 21 20 can't go by the way remember 2016 that was a running joke it was the worst year cuz I think Trump won I guess and then like David Bowie died and Prince died and my mother got fake tits and it was a running gag that 2016 was the worst year ever yeah and it's funny cuz during that year I was touring with Louis I was like this is the best year of my life it's not even

close great year I hate the year stuff we do with everything like people wake up and they go I stubbed my toe on my dad's dick it's gonna be a bad day today I'm like well make it a good day don't don't make it about the day you just had a bad thing happen to you and now they do it with the year oh Robin Williams died he choked on his own jizz it's gonna be a bad year yeah and it's just a number it's just a thing like January is not any different than it's why it's why like New Year's resolutions are kind of silly no offense if you're doing a resolution better yourself blah blah blah but the idea of like I quit drinking because of

a date you know or I stopped eating meat because it was January 4th like you gotta hit stop eating meat because you're like I don't want to die whatever the fucking reason is I mean I'm eating meat I don't want you to think I'm not eating meat I'm not one of those fucking losers but you know what I mean plus these but yeah no I'm completely with you it's just if you want to do something do it I hate the relying on I think it just helps people it's like alright it's like an OCD thing it's the first of the year I'll start fresh it's a mental thing I mean how many times I used to be at open mics and I'd be like

damn it's like 50 comics here what the hell oh it's January right by February 4th they're all committed suicide no I get it all the time I mean it's the gym it's like if there's a line out the door at the gym on January 1st and January 8th everybody's eating you know cream pies again but I hate the people and again sorry for political you can skip ahead or whatever but it's not even political it's like these conspiracy people that are like you watch after the election you'll never hear about COVID again yeah it's gonna be no go and what once Biden's elected COVID you won't even hear about it'll just disappear I saw

so many tweets like that and you're like you sound like the dumbest person on the planet yeah it's just no no yeah oh he won I'm still hearing about COVID every day every fucking news is COVID this COVID that this COVID in my ass so we're gonna be talking about COVID long into the Biden administration I promise you you fucking nitwits I'm with you on that I don't get any of it they go hey you know once Biden wins they want to have kids in cages like now they're in cages they're just in cages it's over who cares it doesn't matter who's in charge they're all in cages also you don't care about the kids you don't you don't care

this homeless baby's in the street you know my dad is fucked three kids since we started recording you don't care exactly I hate it the people are like we Obama drone-striked fucking your mother's ass I'm like you don't care you just have a talking point just shut up I completely agree I mean there's clits being snipped off in the Sudan or whatever the hell that is and nobody gives a shit there's clits in the in the water there they're all over the place it's like cigarette butts but nobody gives a shit but then hey you call this gala skank and she's a whore and she's actually a slut now we're all fucked

yeah the kids I think kids should be in cages I can't stand them yes the kids at a restaurant I just want to squish their little heads they stink and I mean their kids what are they gonna do anyway yeah let them have a fun in the cave I mean Christmas they all play in a box box cage what's the difference I played in a refrigerator box I was 13 I mean what was a crib other than a cage is just you see the kid with the mug dang dang dang dang hitting the rails you know that's all it is that's what they should do the kids in cages in Mexico or whatever or Texas wherever it is they should give them those little the

little round disc that you shift from one side to the other you know they have the little yes yes those toys that go whoop-de-whoop give them a couple toys they're fine yeah like if the the pediatrician had that thing with the wire and the woodblock and you somehow that was stimulating when you were six yeah well you know my parents stimulated me by touching my clit but those things I still see I'm like I get nauseous because I just think of doctor and anything that's like supposed to be fun while you're at the doctor just wasn't they could have been you know blowing you in there and I'm like but I

still to go to the dentist wait your doctor didn't blow you hey ho pediatrician it's just a weird weird gig I don't know I don't like the idea of I'll be a doctor but for children that's odd to me really I don't know I mean I like to be very agreeable but I think it's sweet you get to see some hot little kid puss you know and that's true now I'm kidding but I guess the doctor me to the doctor feels the kids it feels like well I'm you're of I mean you're ruining their day but you know it's very rare that there's something dramatic with the kid you can kind of go all right you're all set it feels like you're of service with

with older people it just feels like they hate you they don't agree with you it's always like you got a lump on your tits I don't know it feels like kid might be more fun plus you can be like here comes the airplane and then you you know hit their knee and their leg bounces whatever it is I'll give you that but you know it'd be nice if you could do it in the middle like give me 25 to 45 if you can be a kid doctor can you be an old people doctor I'd want the middle ages I guess so yeah the middle ages were great that was all kinds of people in cages then but yes a lot of disease famine I mean if you're an adult doctor

you got to look at those long ball bags like in Schindler's list you know you're looking into a old catcher's mid of an asshole you know a little kid they're all adorable they got the soft sweet skin maybe there's boogers on them or whatever but I can handle that yeah looking at an old bag and those those horrible horrible tits I mean I would just want to put them all down these old ladies that's true like when I was a kid I was like wow a gyno that's the best gig on the planet oh man me to kind of cut your knee deep in cash all day you getting paid to swim and snatch but then you realize wait a minute you just got

to look at the lunch ladies clam for six hours and smell that and get a get a thermometer in there the stirrups I don't know what's going on the LLC that's what that stands for lunch lady clam by the way how about nice remember we were kids the gig that always see you know Al Bundy you always want to be a shoe salesman and like I was watching vertigo the other day and I'm pointing at my vertigo poster on the other side of this wall and you know he has the lady Kim Novak he gets some great breasts he's got her trying on shoes and you see the shoe guy is like really like taking off the shoe right him on he's smelling her

hoofs the whole thing but now I feel like that's over you can't be the shoe guys no longer looking up the ladies skirt and feeling her heels and shit right that's a great point I mean the shoe guy if you got a foot fetish I mean yeah you're in the in the sweet spot you're in the zone you're paradise so you're just dealing with corns and bunions all day you got that shoe horn I love the horn you know what I'm talking about the little slide thing gets the heel in of course I do I know what a shoe horn is what am I an asshole I know shoe horn that was one of the first carrot top jokes I ever saw he had a like

a shoe taped to a like a trombone he's like shoe horn I was like oh shit this guy's a genius I was 31 at the time he's pretty good I mean he's got some good stuff but anyway but that was like the gig and even you have to be like in defeat because you're you're looking up the leg you're talking to the lady you're touching her it's all very delicate you know what I mean it's a soft touching but I really think if you go to Sears now to buy a pair of you know clogs clogs what is it again a clog is the Dutch or a sink that's what I was thinking by the way we're that's a little clog is what do you call it a not a metaphor a

foreshadow of one of my big stories this week oh oh really okay it's gonna get it's gonna get a little spicy in a few minutes but is that what the shoe is the wooden shoe is it a clog it's a clog a clog is like a hunk of mud I think that's a clog or is that a Clydesdale so I dated a Clydesdale for a couple of weeks but hey it's the same word as like a drain clogging is a wooden shoe is clog yes yeah it's a Dutch word I think they're Dutch or German I think it's Dutch yeah okay Todd Gack but yeah it's that Dutch oh I had something on the shoe yeah Bill Hicks had a great bit about being a shoe salesman when he was

like 14 it was just women and skirts and he was just like oh my god he saw I said they saw the eyes of God all that shit you know yeah I remember that but yeah I think that's over now I think me too put an end to the the shoe guy fiddling the foot I think you're right because I mean that's the whole pulp fiction thing you know the foot massage I don't be tickling or nothing that's all foot it's very sensual you're right yeah love love a good rub any kind of rub I like a scalp rub an arm a hand I'll do a hand massage really get in there and yeah rubbing tug that was like the earliest thing you could do as a team was to get

a little rub and then you see how far they'll let it go I remember giving a stomach massage to my high school girlfriend and like yeah and then moving up and then my my finger was like touching the the bra wire and I was like I'm at the wire I can't believe it I'm touching that's a man I love that wire touch that wire was big that was because it was so hard you're like I'm on to something yeah I remember at first touch I thought I was like a doctor I thought she had a lump but then I kept going and then it gets wire to lace and all of a sudden you're like I'm giving a tip massage here oh that was always the I

used to work at a lot of restaurants bus boy waiter the whole thing and there was always the one guy who would go around massaging all the women that was his in oh wow yeah that's that's no good anymore you can't do any massaging those are the 90s baby different time massages out but anyway I guess we can jump in I got a few things one of them I teased I've been all over the place I know you've been traveling where were you for new years you just flew in from where Tampa Florida and it is wide open I've had my feet up on a sand dune for three days I'm tan I'm gay I'm a new man what was the club like side split I mean one of my

favorite clubs ever I'm there in March and that's the only gig I'm like well that one's not getting canceled no no you're gonna have a blast I mean it's it's business as usual I think they added more chairs it's crazy down there like they are the crowds are hot I had some hot sets we did new years we did three on a on a Thursday we did we added a Sunday we did no no no sorry two on a Thursday three on a Saturday wow you're gonna clean up there fatty it's a hot time sold merch really did up the lady came down we we went to whiskey joes and got my ties and pina coladas and did anal it was great wow I love Tampa I miss

I'm having moments of really missing the old life because I keep being like I've gotten all spiritual and all this bullshit and I'm really enjoying it I keep talking about it but there are moments we were talking about I almost started weeping earlier we were talking about this is Starbucks on Broadway that I go to every day here in Astoria and they all know my name it's it's like cheers in there everyone's like hey Joseph they call me Joseph because I don't know whatever but that's fun they go you want your teeth they're making the tea before I even get up I want to cry in there they're nicer than my family's

ever dreamed of being they're all just so delightful well that's what we're at we're just so void of of connection that you see some strangers and now it's like you're blowing the the fat black lady at Starbucks for a Machiano I know I'm gonna talk about this before it ruined a joke of mine before COVID I had a new joke going about you ever isolate so much then you go and buy a scratch ticket and the guys like good luck and I'm like you mean it and I start crying and it was doing really well but now that joke is no good because people are like of course I've had that happen it's too real yeah but any jizz so we were

talking about restaurants and places with great service and they maybe think of the seller where they just everybody knows you and I had like a moment you know when you have a a memory or a thought or a feeling where you for a moment you transform into that place in time oh yeah that's nice well it could be horrible it could be triggering you know when you go back to your uncle's basement but other times it could be great yeah well that's what I had I had a great one where I was just we're at the seller and and you have to pull up extra chance for everyone can squeeze into the circle and and Aaron is there in Val and

Liz and then all the comics and then you know there's the one how about this feeling at the seller when there's a bunch of people hanging and some douche of a comic who sucks and shouldn't work there and he just stinks or she and probably she and they walk up and there's no room for them and you have that feeling of like yes there's no room and then they would have to turn away and walk to the shitty table and you're like whoo nothing better than that I love when the shit box can't hang and it wasn't your fault you know it was a you know it's a victimless crime so I run a chair's bitch yeah yeah and then someone's like I'm

gonna get going soon you like you stay you stay hang out I gotta tell you a story oh yeah brutal that hang is so crucial it's it's so cuz it's a delicate balance you got to have that guy you can't have too many loud guys you can't have too many minorities it's got to be the right men women fun gay the whole thing and somebody can just ruin that ecosystem yeah that's what do you call that when someone comes in and flushes the deck or a parasite to host Korean host yeah what is that I know you're talking about it someone spoils the apple or yeah wrenching the gears a worm in the tuna what is that come

lose it worm in the tuna I've met a few ladies with that issue oh well back in your guy no days yeah I've put a worm in a tuna before all right well I gotta tell this story I teased it when we did the the patreon people have been teased already and by the way join the patreon because I mean it is high time for the patreon people and by the way people were all confused if you watch the podcast on YouTube that's how you get it get on the patreon for three bucks a month you can get it the day after it comes out on video exactly leave is that right that's right and people are always still confused like I just did Rogan and people

like why isn't on YouTube well where's the I'm getting emails all day where's the Rogan I'm like you didn't see that whole thing with the Spotify deal what are you crazy and that's how people with the patreon they're like this is the last week's episode on YouTube why why don't why is it not the new one you're like the new ones on the patreon you come guzzling not saying we do this every week yeah so get on the patreon you get it fresh because these people first of all I never been a YouTube guy so I get my podcasts in podcast areas so if you're getting it if you watch the podcast on YouTube exclusive for the first time

you're you're a week off with all this shit so get on the patreon for three bucks three best deal in town best patreon in the biz and now we got merch cooking we got tea public some of the best shirts I didn't know if I understood the one with the red firecracker but Shelbo maybe you want to explain that one to the fans at home but either way they're up and they look cool as shit I thought it was your thing I was a ketchup bottle you got ketchup on it I thought it was a firework or a dynamite or a butt plug I was clueless it looks great we'll figure it out anyways but go get some merch support the pod but anyways let me get

to this story that I tease if you're on the patreon you've already been teased but as you know I was up in Vermont which is just God's country up there I beauty beauty mountains rolling hills the big lake the whole thing unbelievable we went and hiked Mount Philo that's a PH ILO and I got to the hotel we check into the hotel and the lady kind of a sexy pregnant lady I just yeah be fun but anyways I go yeah we're visiting we're gonna do some hiking and she's like where are you hiking and I was like well to be honest I haven't really researched it too much but we'll find something and then she said there's blah blah blah place

there's boobly boo plays and then there's Mount Philo that one's and you know when someone tells you advice and the one they react just a little differently yes yes you got to listen for that there's a it's highlighted that's exactly right she made a she made a and I was like okay that that's the one so we'll go there I put it down and I like getting advice from a nice neutral person you know the people that are like you got to do this if you don't do this you're a piece of shit and sometimes it's a friend that's just off-putting and I never want to be that friend let me know if I'm that friend ever would you do

that for me so you don't if you come off too excited about something and too forceful I should let you know go I might see it I might not you're doing that thing you hate because I try to like you know Mama Santa isn't Cleveland I'm like that's my favorite restaurant you're gonna really love it I don't want to be the guy that's like if you don't go there you're a piece of shit if you don't if you've never gone to this place you've never been to that city you fucking homo I don't want to be that guy all right well if I can be honest I don't want to hurt your anal here but oh god just hit me with it all right I'm gonna come

clean you're such a picky cunt with the food that sometimes I lay low on your food wrecks you tell me to go to Filo I'll get naked I'll do Molly and I'll run up the mountain side and pray to Allah on the top but food wreck I'm like this guy's eating Doritos and Funyuns for breakfast I'm out that's why it's it's so moving of a wreck you know what I mean like if I tell you you got to see a movie you're gonna see this movie cuz you know I'll give you the movie I hate the thing I hate the other thing soprano stink the wires bullshit your mother's gay but this a restaurant I mean record restaurants I recommended in

my whole life to maybe this cheesecake factory I've heard about that one from you and Chipotle once or twice but yeah that's about it all right well I mean if you go to Santa's that's fine but you got a point you might you might have a point to I stink I'll kill myself after the show but it's just with grub just the grub hub the other stuff I'm all I'm all anal all ears I told you the best recommendation I ever made of a movie was my friend Derek who I mentioned often he had never seen one for the cuckoo's nest and he's like I don't know he didn't like the cover this is in high school I didn't like the way the cover looked and

I go I'll tell you what just agree to watch this movie and I'm willing to bet 50 bucks it'll be in your top five movies you got to respond honestly you gotta be honest wow that's not in your top five I give you 50 bucks wow and we watched it and he say keep your 50 bucks that's the best movie I've ever seen oh well there you go that's like the Jay Leno move at the bar when he tried to do comedy said here's 50 bucks so I'm not funny keep it same initials so we go out we go to a mountain say that again different chin oh yeah somewhere in between his chin and my chin would that's your sweet spot right right our

chins are like pediatrician and elderly you really want that middle right the middle baby the gooey mid love a gooey mid that would be a great chart somebody should make that merch Jay Leno's chin your chin you want to be somewhere in the middle it's like what do you call 0 to 60 what's 0 to 60 you know you got the bottom and then that's how you measure a car speed it gets from 0 to 60 in six seconds yours it goes from list to Leno and 8 feet I got you I remember there's a really clever ad campaign where they said 0 to 60 and whatever 60 to 0 is that shouldn't that be just as important and it was about how safe the car was

that's a good campaign I like I like daddy like 60 to 0 anyway I gotta get to this story cuz I can already hear that being like list takes forever he sucks he is his chin is awful his teeth are bad his forehead's too big and that's all good forehead go to Philo we hike Philo it's beautiful I don't need to get into it just a beautiful hike fuck me in the ass then we leave Philo there's an old general store I remember being out with Greg Stone six years ago I was like we gotta go check this out unfortunately go inside because COVID or whatever so we got a slice of pizza and a sandwich we have a great time and then I love just

looking at the map and finding an interesting area on the map and being like let's go to this spot right so I look on the map in the middle of Lake Champlain there's an island called Grand Isle there's an island in the middle of the lake which is rare I think don't you want to get on that island that's what I'm saying I always want to get on I see it in the bushes and I go ah we could swim with the water's freezing there's a shark in there or a pedophile but you never go to the island but I always want to and then you think about fucking a girl on it well here's the thing this island has a sandbar like a dune with a

road built on it you can drive to the island oh that helps it's a it's a drivable island and it's a sandbar road evidently so we drove right out there we put it in the map Grand Isle take me there we drive out there and it's just gorgeous the sun is low because it's winter so the sun is kind of setting over the lake which is spectacular that's out the left side we look at the right side we have a full moon rising just over the horizon sun and moon at the same height wow man this is perfect magical so then we're driving up Grand Isle in Vermont and there's a sign that says Grand Isle State Park so we

go let's swing into the state park we park and it's sun is setting so no one's in there we're just the only two in there we're walking you have that snow crunch there's just a little love a crunch gotta love a snow crunch we're walking in there then there's a trail you can go into and there's a little sign-in sheet says please sign your name and when you're going in so we're like oh maybe this is a little dangerous if you have to sign up if you're missing they want to know who's in there I guess aha so I'm like let's sign up we'll go in the sun setting but we'll be quick and we put our names in I have a little bit of a

nervous feeling cuz we're in the middle of nowhere and you got a sign-in which feels spooky to me and yeah you just get a spook every once in a while you know that sure oh I hate a spook or specter we'll edit I didn't mean it that way I'm teasing all right we never read it so we we sign in and I take two steps and we hear another crunch crunch behind us behind crunch crunch bad crunch crunch so we do a little spin a roux to look over the shoulder to investigate the crunch and it's a squirrely looking kid hair not unlike mine but greasier then he's got a beard shittier than mine with like patches in it a patchy

scraggly beard and a rifle on his shoulder oh man is this the second rifle you've seen in a week same rifle that was a tease this is full story oh got it got it sorry this is that was the rifle tease this is the rifle insertion oh my I already had kind of a elevated heartbeat I'm like it's late should we be hiking blah blah blah I look over and I see you know one of those creepy only children people with a fucking gun on his arm how do you feel but I've never seen a gun in the wild outside of a cop on someone's hip you know what I mean or maybe in Texas a guy with a cowboy hat at a sandwich shop I hate it but I hate

the whole picture I hate the crunch crunch I hate the Apache beer I hate the greasy hair he feels like some kind of woodsman guy who lives in a cabin he has no cell phone it's all bad news this guy lives by his own rules he's got nothing to lose well so I start going haywire I'm like oh my god this guy is a guy because you have the immediate thing of like he could just shoot us yeah what could we have no defense I mean I guess you're charged with a gun you run away with a knife that's what Al Pacino said in that movie that's not bad but then you have the thing go hey you fucking idiot we're in Vermont this is

how it is he's probably hunting you know he didn't have much of a vest everyone's like do you have an orange vest I'm like maybe I'm gay or just focusing on the gun but I didn't see any orange they don't want the vest the vest is that's that's a wuss move that's like going to a skate park with helmets on you know I'm the real deal yeah I don't need a vest I hunt have a man yeah well men hunt and women vest but he had the guy and then he's walking right for us he's not smiling or saying hey how do you do or anything and so but I've been doing all this meditation and I'm gay now and and so I kind of started to settle like what

idiot he's he's you're in gun area you're in the woods he's gonna shoot us what's he just walking around shooting people just relax you fucking idiot and then just at that moment we hear a new crunch and it's a car it's like a station wagon in and now I'm like what is this guy gonna is this guy in cahoots is this guy gonna get murdered I don't know what the fuck's going on the station wagon pulls all the way up near us and the gun guy just gets in the backseat it's like an uber what I think it's an uber I don't know but he gets in the backseat and by the way we'd skip the trail we were like fuck the trail let

just get out of here the sun's going down there's a weirdo with a gun there's a station wagon uber picking up gun people I don't like it it was very off-putting and then so we just walked and like you don't want to look back you know when you look back at the person they look at they go what are you looking at so you just go ahead down and I'm like should we zigzag so we don't get killed by this weirdo I'm sensing a lot of you're not from around here are you that guy and then I'm getting some deliverance vibes well that's the thing I mean I got you know glasses and you know I'm wearing a fucking pearl jam t-shirt and new balance

sneakers so they can tell I just have that feeling that they're gonna hate us but all was well that ends well or whatever but I had never seen a person with a gun in the woods I know I'm gonna get a bunch of like ah you're a fag fuck you whatever but there's not a lot of people walk around with rifles around here wait wait you were in the woods though you weren't not you weren't like in the general store no so what it was is there's a road through the park like through the center of the park and the road was like closed on the side it's hard to explain it was closed on the side we were at so we parked on the

outside and then we walked in and then this station wagon pulled from like the other side you know it's like state parks have like roads through them aha got it so man the road was dividing the woods so this kid came out of those woods and we were about to walk into these woods what do you say it was 30 25 yeah we probably like 20 he looked like a kid oh that's even scarier you don't know what those kids are doing very school shootery as yeah as much as we bitch about tiktok and podcasts at least we know what those kids are up to they're doing a hip-hop and a dance and a and a trick and a move but they're not holding

like rifle yeah I mean the kids probably the nicest guy in the world he's probably out hunting you know turkey for his mother's birthday or whatever yeah but yeah it was fine but it was just a moment of like oh my god cuz you do have that thing of like well you could shoot what are we gonna do we can't do anything totally totally you're in the middle of nowhere and I don't know a young guy with a gun cuz there's no reasoning we're all reason we're we're yappy we're gifted gab we're gay this guy if he doesn't like what you say you can just hit you with the butt of the gun you know they do that the movie the

guy goes right out every time you know I was ah geez yeah speaking to the microphone and they give you the fucking yeah it works every time same with the neck crick was that your point you never see a guy like hold on let me try it again when they when they snap the neck wasn't my point but that's hilarious somebody's got that bit somebody never see you have to redo it you know it's great bit somebody's got that somebody had the great joke I forget who it was but Louie told it to me I forget who's bit it is it might be Mike Dunnevin the Boston guy but how when you shoot someone with a silencer they always die

quietly in the movie which is like one of my favorite bits ever it's always like great oh like that's a great observation it doesn't silent the person right but in your heads we go with it we go out the silencer of course he died quietly we put it together it's every movie no one's ever like they're like that's a great point we gotta give that a go whoever call in if you know who wrote that one yeah I'll figure it out all right you want to talk about our sponsor speaking of speaking of silence you want to have some fun tunes in your ear Tuesday's stories brought to you by Ray Khan it's a new year it's a new me I told

you my other ear pod air pods crapped out so I got the Ray cons thanks to you guys and uh you know Ray Khan and I love these things they you put them in and they go Ray Khan and they just sound great it's crystal clear I wear them in bed because I don't want to wake up the lady and I got a pod going I got music going I wear them all over the city love a Ray Khan great sound great fit and they look cool as hell I'm a fan I make stuff in the kitchen I do dishes I just put them in so now I'm entertained while doing fun stuff around the house they make great sound accessible to everyone they're wireless earbuds are half the

price of the other premium audio brands and Ray cons are stylists they look great on a zoom call and they come in a bunch of different colors plus they're super comfy and have an ear fit that is discreet and helps block out other noises that's big I wear them on flights you block out some of that turbulence and the flight attendant squawking Ray comes forward is unmatched up to six hours of playtime water and sweat resistance and has seamless Bluetooth pairing you've heard it say before so we don't have to say it again get your own Ray cons today yeah here's how you do it Ray Khan is offering 15% off all their products for

our listeners and here's what you've got to do to get it go to buy Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays that's it you'll get 15% off your entire Ray Khan order so feel free to grab a pair and a spare that's 15% off at buy Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays one more time by Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays and this episode is also brought to you by native deodorant and I mean I've been up in Vermont for a fucking a week I'm a native deodorant guy now I think they legally if you live in Vermont for a week you got to get native deodorant it this stuff is first of all it's the best stuff for the environment we got an

environmental crisis on our hands for God's sakes and native deodorant is here to help you I mean there's no aluminum whatsoever no parabens no talc it's also vegan and it's never been tested on animals which is which is good you don't want to test things on animals it's got ingredients you know native deodorant is made with ingredients you've heard of like coconut oil and shea butter you wear deodorant every day shouldn't you be able to understand the ingredients list I think so also by the way this stuff works switching to native from an anti-perspirant I

almost naturally said anti-depressant because that's when I see it but you need an anti-depressant with native deodorant because you don't have to worry about the midday BO that's the reason why native has over 16,000 five star reviews I mean that's unbelievable think about how infrequently people go to give reviews 16,000 five star reviews amazing sense you're gonna love it I use it they sent us some a while back and now I'm hooked on the stuff they got lavender and rose cucumber and mint citrus and herbal musk tell them how mark I love it too me and the gal both use it so it's a bisexual big fan make the

switch to native today by going to native do.com slash stories or use promo code stories at checkout and get 20% off your first order that's native deo.com slash stories or use promo code stories at checkout for 20% off your first order native deodorant take care of your body folks whoo all right well it's good to have you even though you were hanging out with gun totes and psychos out in the the cornfield it's good to have you back fatty yeah happy to be back I'm sure he was a sweet kid and that's you know that's how it goes people by the way I'm not one of these a blah blah blah you know guns are legal have a gun I just

never been around one in the woods before it's off-putting it is off-putting and then you just picture that guy's lifestyles he goes into his house as pelts everywhere that he cut they're hanging up and drying and I don't I feel like he sits in a barca lounger and hits his lady who knows what's going on yeah it was it was kooky and spooky so hit me with some business I mean tell me some some Tampa shit I mean you're back in New York you had a New Year's did you fuck on New Year's kiss at midnight blow a guy what happened I did well I took a little nugget out of your playbook and run in a car here's is my whole kitten

caboo and I probably shouldn't say this because I'm already in trouble with my agency oh boy for doing side gigs but hey it's a pan damn you take what you can get I got I don't get we got to kick these guys 10% for everything what if I got the gig yeah it's a little tricky they want that 10% it's tricky it's tricky and then I I've talked to Dave Chappelle's tour manager and he was like laughing at me he's like what are you crazy you give these guys your money you're a fucking shill you're a sellout you're pussy I was like so I just booked like 30 weird gigs off the bat just off that but our pal Shaw oh yes Shaw he's

in Orlando he runs that town with an iron dick and he said hey I see you're coming to tamp on why don't you hit over to Orlando it's a two-hour drive flying to here we'll do a couple shows I'll give you a few clams and then you'll drive over to Tampa that night I said let's do it flew in Orlando rented a car by the way though the line you know you got your your hurts you got your enterprise you got your dollar your thrifty you name it it's all empty and there's one line every like around the little snake trail they call that thing and I was like oh that sucks for that guy whoever's written from them and I'm like which one

is that oh it's mine so then you get in line for 45 minutes brutal I've had that exact experience and you're like why didn't I rent from fucking Ted's cars I know I think you just look online go this one's cheap and you just go with that one yeah well whatever brought you to that place is the same thing that brought everybody else I know I almost bought a and I almost went with enterprise just switched it but fuck it I made the reservation a plus enterprise probably we're out of cars so I go to thrifty I get my midsize jumping that puppy it's so fun getting the rental you put your your auxiliary cord in you

lower the windows you put on the shitty FM radio and you hit the town I love it there's no better feeling than getting away with that car because I know I'm so traumatized from years of having no credit no credit car I've been turned down so many times I booked wrong so many times I've just been fucked so that feeling when you get it really feels like getting away with something it feels like a weird heist and then that last moment when you have the little booklet pamphlet thing they give you and you go up to the booth with the arm and they go license and pamphlet and you go this is it this is when they turn me back and she

goes all right get out of here you come guzzler and you had the arm goes up and you who I throw my you know what do you call the the the veil the veil goes flying in the wind you know out of a movie is it a veil that's Colorado no veils a scarf you'll see a woman throw something in the movies when they're off into the sunset Ferris Bueller he does that he takes the the hat and whips that I throw my hat off it's a graduation I go out and I hit hit Orlando then you got that weird thing when you get to Orlando at five and the shows at eight so you're like alright I guess I'll go to Jimmy John's and I'll walk around and then I'll

listen then you then your AirPods die then your phone dies and your Raycon dies and you're like all right well I guess I'll you're the other guy like reading plaques on the building ah erected in 1888 you're that guy now 100% I have so many of those photos and I always laugh because I'm like when am I ever gonna be like oh fucking Charles Bronson lived here for six months I know I know so then I get to the venue the shows at eight I get to the venue at 615 I'm just like hey I'm not gonna door there's a guy cleaning up you know he's like all right you'll you hope you derelict get in here so I sit in the green room and charge my

phone but just two great shows got in the car had too many beers got in the car drove to Tampa you're in your hotel that night you wake up you're in Tampa the lady shows up we hit the beach I mean it's just it's it's 2019 down there it's a whole different world you wear a mask into the 7-11 and a church and you're good you're good to go after that where you go clear water yes st. Pete love oh say Pete I think that might be different I think it is clear waters like the rich one oh is it I don't know I mean I get maybe I don't know I always go to clear water Hulk Hogan's got a place there he's rich so there you go he says the n-word

and all that so we did that we got a we had lunch on a pier overlooking the water it's just so crazy to be in lockdown freezing cold winter Manhattan and then I'm on a pier drinking a pina colada eating shrimp tacos looking at the ocean yeah no there's these weird moments I think what you and I have talked about it and Sarah and I have talked about a bunch like there's a bunch of weird moments where you look back on things and you COVID's not even part of the memory like I was in Shelter Island for a week I was in Booth Bay for a week I was in Seattle for a week and when you're in whatever house or hotel you're

staying in you're not wearing a mask or you're hanging out in the backyard and and you're grilling out or you're swimming I've went to Jones Beach a bunch when you're swimming in the ocean you're not thinking about COVID so I have all these memories and I'm like COVID's not even part of the memory and eventually years from now we'll be like was that during COVID I can't even remember if you think that way it takes some of the teeth out of this COVID shit that's a great point it's almost like when you're in a bad relationship and then you get out of it and you're like kind of like oh she was great I loved her and

everybody's like what you were miserable the whole time you know she took a shit on your bed and the fuck your dad and you're like oh yeah you kind of your brain almost it helps you by doing that it's saying like I'm just gonna look at the good stuff yeah well there's a lot of psychology to that there's a thing that our brain does that it's what allows us to get into relationships again or it's what allows alcoholics to go back into a bar the brain clears out those memories how many times you've been hungover you go I'm never doing this again I suck I hate myself I have my assholes bleeding I fucked my scout

master and then you'll you two days later you're like I give me that high life yeah completely so and it's also good because it's kind of sitting that allows you to forgive I mean you have that with friends too where you're like I fucking hate that guy never again he didn't like my mama Santa's recommendation he didn't go and then you see him two weeks later and you go hey let's let's kiss on the lips I forgot how much I love you even though you should have got that rigged Tony should have brought it up but it's also interesting how you don't always talk about is we're on our phones too much we're at screen time we're addicted

to our social media and dopamine and all that shit and yet when you dream is rarely a phone in it oh interesting I heard this last night someone told me I think my nephew told me this on tiktok he got this on tiktok you never dream of somebody you haven't met in real life your brain your brain doesn't create anybody in your dreams that's what that's a fact I heard from a 12 year old who was watching tiktok oh like I've had a dream where I'm hanging out with Tom Hanks but I've never met Tom Hanks or someone that exists I see you don't create like I was with a guy who is whatever faceless you're always like I

was with my uncle and Michael J Fox and things were a little shaky right right if you do make up a guy you're you're in a bedroom and he's like he's just his whole head is this a white blob you know so your brain almost can't create a new human right now I want to make this clear I might be completely wrong but this this is literally a 12 year old child said hey I heard this thing and now I'm saying it so it's not you know not my original point I'm so afraid of these fucks being like what are you talking about I dreamed of a three-headed asshole two days ago well it's not the first time you lied about it being with a

child but either way I think he's on to something that kid he's a smart little whippersnapper this kid I like him so it's Thursday it's New Year's and I'm in Tampa and you know it's just some of Florida you land on the plane you get that evil in you you want to do a bump and put on a MAGA hat and you know ride a tiger so it's just something about that that state it's something in the air there and you know so Thursday two shows that club is so great BT is great it's so it's very it's family over there feels like a real mom-and-pop establishment you know everybody you get it no one's pretentious no one's annoying no one's

cocky it's just very homely I don't know if that's the right word no homely is bad homely is like a lovely person a homie I think homie homie no we don't play that so I just you know you know that you're you're sober what are we seven years now hey yeah this is my ninth January 4th in a row sober wow that's impressive speaking and not drinking again look at you yeah I got yeah it's exciting AIDS well as a booze bag myself you have to do that thing where you're like alright midnight is the big shebang I'm drinking at eight but I don't want to be wobbly I want to be able to remember midnight and then some so you have to do the pacing yeah that's

where I struggled 8 p.m. start time is pretty good yeah yeah that was pretty good for me I was trying to hang in there and then we did a fun thing at midnight they hit me with the light and they just yell 10 so I'm in the middle of a bit I'm going so this uber guy was a fucking Muslim and but 10 I go 9 8 and then the lady comes up with a glass two glasses of champagne boom it's midnight we drink up the whole place goes nuts everybody's on their feet we kiss they chug a beer and that was a show and then it all just poured out into the bar and it was it was a great night and I puked that's fun I love I love a fun New Year's I it's so

hard to get New Year's right in comedy I've done so many where it's like we're early we're late you know they hand out noise makers before it's just such a mess I always think it would be best to just end the show at 11 30 yes and then the comedian comes off and then I think I did it once like that and then the comedians come back I think Ann Arbor I did it I we the show ends and then you go we'll come back and then the host middle and headliner come back up and count down there right that way it's not this thing of like so you have to time your bits you're like and then the bus tire went yeah yes and yeah it's so true

but it's also a weird choice to celebrate New Year at a show but hey it's weird at a comedy show but hey I'm glad they came out to each his anal but just fun night and boy was I hurt the next day it sucks because it's such a weird tradition when you think about it because you're starting the new year this big beginning everybody's talking about you start it with the worst day of your life yacking in a hotel room yeah we always talk about that that's one of the nice things about sobriety because January first you go out I'm at target with my nephew trying to get him a new dildo and it's like we're the only ones

there I mean there's only one register open a target it was like the whole place was open yeah because everyone's all hung over in zombie like so it's a it's a nice time I mean I quit drinking on the 28th it was like how'd you do it before New Year's I'm like it was perfect because I quit drinking in Philadelphia and three days into my sobriety would drive it home at 1 30 a.m. in Philadelphia and it's like people beating each other with sticks you know they're throwing you know squirrels at each other and people are you know crashed and shitting on their pants or whatever so well it's New Year's hard

it's gonna be tough to be dry on New Year's night and everybody's just getting after it and then in the morning you get payback you're like ah look at you queves I'm feeling gravy yeah exactly during the night you're like oh this is gonna be great I'll go to bed at 12 10 and and also I always hated New Year's because that's when everybody else drank like I did all the other nights I'm like that was two nights ago and three nights ago and four nights ago for me you know right right yeah good point and also at the planning is a nightmare you know it's so built up we do this every year we go we're gonna go to this rooftop

then we're gonna go to a donkey show and then we're gonna do with some Molly and you know go down on each other and it just gets ruined because you're like why don't we just take it easy and and hang out and drink and enjoy each other and then do the countdown the ball drop but you build it up too much and then two couples start fighting at 9 p.m. and you lose them and then somebody pukes at 10 you lose them it never works that's how I've always felt about New Year's I started taking it off a few years ago and just going easy it's a nice the pressure it always felt like the pressure to be like the biggest night of

your life so yeah what was what was great was the and then I'll let I'll toss it back to you was those Caroline's nights because you had a show there was some structure to it you had a show you're hanging out with comics you do a show you get paid then you get a free pass to the Times Square thing where you can come and go these rubes have been sitting out there for 10 hours shit in their own soup and freezing a death and we could come and go see the ball drop and leave yeah that's really all you ever want in life is the past to get the best version of a good thing there you go I mean that's all show businesses you

want to be Henry Hill walking through the kitchen exactly well said there sister and so often we're not so often with the one making the fries in the kitchen but you know sure well those titties aren't retarded speaking of making things happen this episode is also brought to you by Hawthorne which as you know you know Mark and maybe the audience knows this is my new favorite business I love these these folks have you taken the test yet I haven't I can't find the email I suck god damn I gotta do it this is what you do folks you go to Hawthorne dot co and you go and you take this little test you plug in which is

fun just taking a test it's fun answering questions then they recommend the products to you I didn't want to do it I was like this sounds silly but whatever they're gonna send us some stuff I did it you start the quiz it's very easy it's very quick and they recommended all this stuff and I said sure just ship it to me this stuff is killer it smells amazing my wife's using it she smells great and it's just awesome you want to take better care of yourself it's the new year they got moisturizer shampoo soap everything it's really great they test the take the risk out of it by giving you free shipping on your order

and returns if you don't like it if you don't like their products they'll retailer them based on your feedback so you get something you love this is one of those new futuristic companies they're all about you they make great stuff I really love it they ask me things like how do you like to spend a night out you prefer city life or country life they really get a good feel for who you are and what you'd like and that makes them a great company and the stuff really is great I'm using it every day tell them how to get it Marcus man you've got I haven't seen this riled up about anything since you know our Kelly but

I'm gonna get it do what I did take the Hawthorne quiz today and get started on your personalized self-care routine by going to Hawthorne.co and use promo code Tuesdays to get 10% off your first purchase that's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E dot co-co promo code Tuesdays plural Hawthorne.co promo code Tuesdays get on it folks and I gotta I'm doing it today I guarantee you'll like this stuff for sure and I gotta tell you I got a bit of a crazy one here a kooky one hit me I don't want to list I don't want to build it up but I need some good smell and stuff because last night I'm here it's Sunday I was up at my parents house for

one week then I was in Burlington for five days then went back to my parents house to bring in the new year stayed for New Year's Day to watch the college football games which was fun and then finally came back on a Saturday which is anything better I don't even know if you've ever experienced this coming back on a Saturday is so nice because you know when you've gone for a long time you come back on a Sunday and you have that thing of like tomorrow I gotta I gotta fucking right I gotta re-register for school I gotta paint the walls I gotta do a podcast nice to come back on Saturday because you can dip your toes in

get a couple emails but it's still Saturday and then Sunday to kind of chill so it was quite lovely that is nice and there's no traffic exactly so Sunday afternoon we hang out I'm watching football Sarah's doing whatever women do when they're alone and the knit cook maybe yeah yeah I think she did both of those things yeah pillow fight alone so I'm sitting here it's Sunday evening we have the office downstairs and she goes I'm gonna go work downstairs and I'm like great I'll watch some football she comes back five minutes later and I just hear Joe which she never calls me Joe you know like normally it's like hey

fuckface bad teeth loose asshole yeah exactly so when you hear that name I mean how often does your girlfriend call you mark very rarely it's like when your mom says your full name you're like oh she must have found my porn exact it sounds weird even hearing it so she's like she opens the door and it's like Joe and then I'm like oh my god are there nudes of her cousin down there did she find my dildo like what is this yeah there's that long pause and she's like I think we got a problem here like it was like it was like Hank's at Apollo 13 and I'm like what is it she's like we have a serious situation downstairs you got to

get down here what is so vague she's like put on shoes get a mask like what what the fuck and she's like we got a serious plumbing problem yeah and I'm like oh my god and earlier I was in our upstairs bathroom and while I'm sitting there taking a big shit I hear like water you know New York you can just hear everybody's plumbing oh yeah so I hear water from upstairs and all of a sudden I hear a sink gurgle like a hey to sink gurgle not a good gurgle that's a bad gurgle so I go alright it's just a gurg nothing crazy but something feels a little off give it a gurg earlier I was downstairs and I use the downstairs

bathroom for me I just peed flushed the toilet when I picked up the toilet the the bottom part of the seat was soaking wet and there was no water in the toilet bowl so I'm like interesting this is fishy yes it like it felt like all the water sprayed up onto the bowl I was like something's a little awry here cookie so I put on my shoes I go downstairs and as soon as I leave my apartment it smells a little low tidy we'll say I got ya I get downstairs it's a basement apartment there's a puddle all the way and little shit pieces and boogers and like cigarette butts and I'm like oh this is bad and she's like

that ain't that's nothing oh and so I'm like a half an inch of water is nothing walk into our apartment across the rug into the downstairs bathroom somehow the toilets all it's all pipes Jerry the pipes got backed up our shits exploded up out of the shower drain like it blew the top off the shower drain I wish I could have seen the site there was shit like human shit piles logs diarrhea little fucking poopsicles cocoa puffs all over the shower it was like a Tarantino movie but brown instead of red it was great like a mushroom cloud of dumps fresh dumps wow what the hell happened is this from the spinach and

the Chipotle and the silent re I don't think it's me I think it's the whole building we hadn't been home in 10 days good point but we had both just taken fresh shits like one on top of the other like little classic battleship she's like I just took a shit and I'm like I gotta take a shit and we took two shits and flush and I think they went straight down the pipe and up out of the shower and there was shit on the on the walls covering the floor I mean it blew the top off the drab never even heard of this before eyes is like something out of saw I mean I almost are you should have saw it I almost threw up I was gagging and I

had the mask on because this not for COVID but for smell sure and I'm just lighting matches like like fucking Donald Sutherland in backdraft I'm trying to get rid of the smell I'm lighting incense on fire we had to call the landlord and this is where people are like you're an asshole if you rent you gotta own it's throwing money away if you rent but this is where renting is good I call it landlord it's Sunday night at 8 30 p.m. he's got one eye open he's like I'm like we got a serious serious problem he's like I'll come over there and yeah I had to wait outside the door and be like stop whatever you're thinking it's worse

and I'm like I feel so embarrassed and ashamed I'm like our bowel movements are like all over like you have to warn them and now the feeling of someone else seeing your shit it's like so intimate so intimate it's violating it's the same with like a lady tampon you know I think that's very private I agree but I'm like a tampon for me is just blood so it could be a pricked finger or or you know just a whatever a murderer a child rape or something but this is like this seeds and rice in there just horrific and this poor guy has to clean it I'm like ah I don't know what to tell you like the shit burst and he calls a plumber and

they're like they'll be there in three hours literally that's not even exaggeration they're like we'll be in three hours I'm like pretty quick for a plumber I guess so it's an emergency plumber three I'm like I could go to a Springsteen show I can watch Braveheart again three right to have shit all over your house so this is where it's nice to rent we sat in the living room watching the Bee Gees doc while he scooped our shit off of our couch the Bee Gees he's watching the feces the the BEMs that doesn't rhyme but I appreciate that Bee Gees doc is pretty good I love to talk about talk about innovative I mean

they're up here then they're their whole genre crashes then they find disco they're the highest thing and then they crash on that it's it's pretty wild can I give you two points about that movie please I live for these points okay one I've never seen a documentary move faster like within I paused they were five minutes in they were already on TV in the UK they never discussed how they came up with the name Bee Gees which I assume is Barry Gibbs Bee Gees as my guess three I know but I don't know I'm just guessing like they didn't go into the name or like what their child was like how they went to Australia like five minutes in

they were a successful band did you find that weird yeah I think that's the attention span with these kooky youngsters or whatever that is I completely agree I want that I want the nitty-gritty I want all of it yeah their parents hit them they were born of this kind of heritage whatever yeah miscarriage you name it but still great here's my other point maybe I should save this for the patreon because it's a little spicy but oh boy the one thing I hated in that movie when they were talking about how disco sucks and everyone hates disco and they're blowing up the disco records remember that part I know exactly what

I'm gonna say this guy they have a guy go on and talk about how it's all racist it was racism and racism in this but I'm like the Bee Gees first of all when I think of disco I don't think I think of the Bee Gees I don't think of that as black music I think of black music I think of Stevie Wonder I think of you know Otis Redding Sam Cook the Blues Chuck Berry like I'm never in my mind maybe I'm wrong I think it was a black and gay thing they were big it was big with the black and the gay it was very dancey whereas the white group the white guys are listening to rock and roll and you know hitting ladies and taking their

shirt off and drinking a beer it just didn't fit in the documentary and they were like they blew up all these disco records it was about race it was racism and they were blowing up random rock and roll records they were blowing up Marvin Gaye records which I've never heard that before but I'm like the Bee Gees suffered the most how could it be race they literally show the DJ being like who fucking hates the Bee Gees that was weird it was just this weird like five-minute racial thing put in there was no other sort of points of the moment or race or sexes it just felt so weird and I was like but they suffered the

most there's no other act that suffered more we're like they had the backlash how is that racism their white guys from Australia speaking of shoehorn they got that one in there didn't they it just felt like I was like this is out of left field literally they were in the outfield ah he's like the whole thing was right the whole anti disco thing was fully racist it was all racism and I just thought that was really strange I'm like the Bee Gees to me are like quint essentially the disco Saturday Night Fever soundtrack oh yeah yeah and damn good soundtrack by the way like I'm not a disco guy I don't want to I don't want

to do the dances but you can't deny that's quality music oh and I love that movie too it's one of my favorite movies great movies also fun to see Brooklyn back then and how much how completely polar opposite it is one of the great character introductions of all time if him walking with the paint cans and they sees the lady and his turns and runs after her and yeah you want one or two today to give me two yeah he's amazing and somebody commented on my movie pod that Travolta sucks I'm like you're out of your fucking mind Travolta is amazing he's unbelievably good I think I mean he's a homosexual but he's a triple

threat triple threat sorry it's dancing singing and a good actor that's rare fantastic and I love him love Travolta anyways just to wrap up so finally the the the plumber comes the landlord comes he kept ringing the doorbell being like it's we're working on it but then the smell was so bad it was coming up through like we could smell it upstairs the whole building snuck and then like everyone all the other tenants are like poking their heads up you like what's going on and you feel like it's not us I swear to God my shit's not in the shower don't worry keep moving just just close the door and get the fuck out of here

give you some a cup of coffee sister but yeah it's all all cleaned up safe safe and sound our showers never looked better and all all good but man I'm not a weak stomach guy you know I love horror and drama but man seeing a bunch of feasts just thinking about it throw up right now and I apologize to the squeamish fans no I mean that's appalling that's horrific I'm so glad you got a hell of a super I could see a guy going I'm not answering this one you know we had a you've seen my apartment we're paying a pretty penny over here and I've never had this for my old super I never met him never talked to him never seen

him but this guy we had a drip and it was just dripping down and I was like well let me tell the super I don't care about a drip I don't be high maintenance but I'll just tell him and he comes in he looks at he goes oh shit that whole ceiling's got to come out so they spent days with like this crew and contractors they took the whole ceiling out they changed a bunch of pipes it took forever it had duveteen everywhere and dust was coming out of there and I was like this is amazing that they just did this from a drip my old guy would have been like hey you can't live with a drip you was get out of here I've had bad landlords and

good landlords and good this landlords the best I've ever had he's like the nicest guy ever he's always here painting something fixing something couldn't be nicer gave us a discount to beginning of COVID and there's nothing I'm more grateful for than how nice my apartment is how nice my landlord is now here's the big question a do you tip the guy at Christmas a landlord I never even heard of that should I a super a super well there's no super he just does the shit the super is how we got that downstairs there used to be one and then he left and we took that apartment oh so there's no soup no soup for you come

back one day forget it let it go interesting you ever hear that story my favorite story ever I probably told you a million times it's not my story but Colin Quinn this is like 30 years ago he lives in a building and then the owner of the building comes and goes Colin you think you could fix like a sink if you had to and Colin's like I don't know maybe I guess he's like we need a super would you want to be the super of the building and Colin goes Frank I'm on Saturday night live and he goes no I know that's what people think of show business the guy is fully aware that Colin is on Saturday live he's like I

know you're on Saturday life you want to be the super or not that's amazing that's New York for that's that keeps you humble you know it's crazy I know we got to go here but I was a porter at a building isn't that looking back I'm like how did I even pull that off for two years what's a porter again I think it's a nice way of saying a super but I did everything like I remember a lady shit up the bathroom like there was shit on the walls I had to clean that there was a possum stuck in the aviation or the what do you call ventilation I had to clean that out I was hanging stuff I was building things I was in a freight

elevator all day I mean I was at the boiler room turning wrenches that's a good movie boiler room I liked it but yeah no that's crazy I mean no offense to you but when I think hey I need something fixed I don't think I got to get Norman over here I don't either that's why I was on YouTube I was googling what's a fuse box how does this work yeah I mean if I need a zinger or a punchline or a roast joke I'll give you a text but if my shit is all over the shower I wasn't like should we call mark or I appreciate it I don't want that call anyway no no you know but yeah we gotta wrap it up I mean we're over time here

I've said too much I'm gonna kill myself but great to see a happy new year you too good store I'm glad your showers and shit shape and it's good talking shit but yeah well you got any dates coming yeah well I mean I don't have much I had one in February that got canceled I was supposed to go to a Rubin two weeks that just got canceled but I will be in Key West Florida or February February Valentine's Day weekend whatever the fuck that is hold on let me see 14th is it 11 12 13 I'll be at Key West Key West comedy Tom Dustin's Club I'll be down there and I heard he's got a new room yeah new room he owns the play him and

our buddy Joe they bought it and got a whole thing going so I'm excited to go down there and then March I bet side splitters I forget which weekend that is because I'm a bad businessman but I think it's 11 12 13 and then I believe Skankfest is supposed to be 18 19 20 I think that's in my book oh my fucking books right here I believe so that's what I have in my book but I might be gay I'm not sure is that Tejas yeah I think so I have it Skankfest 26 27 28 we'll see and yeah March 18th to the 20th that's side splitters 18 to the 20th side splitters and then helium Kansas City new love never even been there never heard

of it I never heard of that one either I think they're tricking me I think it's a joke oh boy you're gonna show up the sprinklers are gonna hit you it's like Tommy D I'm gonna be like oh no and then get shot in the back of the tits April 8th through the 10th helium Kansas City hopefully all these gigs happen we'll see comics bohegan son may 20th of the 22nd I know that's way out but and the YouTube I'm putting up all these YouTube videos go hit the YouTube hit subscribe a ton of you already have I appreciate it and I'm doing this thing with Rana on Hirshberg we're doing a movie podcast which you can get the

audio on the patreon or you can watch it on YouTube people like to watch things I don't get it but it's on you want to see it or the audio is on the patreon join the patreon and get some merch and that's it for me I hate myself we all love you there fatty those are the people people are raving on the Vincent Vega thing that was a hit I was not expecting that people keep sharing it's nice we're doing another one soon so yeah thanks to everyone for sharing it go check it out on the YouTube yes check out the YouTube check out our both our specials on YouTube check out the merch I see a lot of people in Florida had a bunch of

lunch teas and they were great I'm at a Tempe improv this weekend then ok see it Bricktown comedy club whatever the hell that is funny bone and Des Moines I'm all over the road laugh stop laugh shop and Calgary back in Texas good nights and Raleigh Brea improv so we got a ton of stuff on the books let's hope this goddamn pandemic comes to a screeching halt that we can get back to our fucking lives for once and vaccine it up lick your tits cut off your clit praise Allah George is saying cut it