Tuesdays with Stories! - #384 High Percentage Odd

Episode Date: January 19, 2021

Good golly Miss Molly it's a hell of an ep this week as Mark might has a huuuge audition before dealing a whirlwind of tire troubles while Joe rounds up Dan Soder & the gang for a show in Brooklyn. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays), & Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah yeah here we are it's Tuesday folks good to be back what's shaking fat man oh not too much just sitting here in my new desk looking out the window it's

getting dark too dark to see feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door how are you your hair looks a little disheveled did you no shower workout just had rough what's going on no shower rough sex yesterday and I guess I just let it go I'm letting it flop I've been I slept till 12 20 today which is so unlike me 12 20 I just I just couldn't get up I eat it's one of the things when you blink and you wake up at I slept for 11 hours I usually sleep for five wow yeah I was tossing and turning this morning and I've had some kooky dream do you remember your dreams or or no what's your dream situation I get a glimpse I you know I'm

in the morning peeing with a shriveled acorn I'm going oh yeah I dreamed I made love to my dad's mom and then they need to kind of goes away yeah I get a lot of that sometimes I have bits come and I'm like I got to remember this for sure and then you you don't want to get up and turn the light on so you're like I think I'll remember it and then you just remember the remembering that you have a bit yeah is that fucking frustrating it's the worst but I had a dream the other day and I've got some family drama going on so I think it probably was manifesting but I had a dream that my family was all in a building and then

there was like a school across the way and my uncle Brian was like I'm gonna moon them I'll move and he did like a pressed ham ass on the window and there was like a little girl it was like Schindler's list it was like a girl in a pink jacket pointing and she was like you know Nazi or whatever yeah and I was the only one serious and this is deep family stuff here I was like dude that's like a sex crime we got to get out of here she could probably see your ball bag and my whole family was like shut up Joe you're such a baby you panic and I was like seriously we got to go and then like the police showed up we

were looking at a building across the way whoa cops with the weird football hats like a that helmet that shaped like a football you know in oh yeah yeah look like a little penis yeah I know about a little penis but wow that's crazy and that's one of the you can't Google that you know I got wooden teeth I'm eating a jack-o-lantern on a Friday you can Google all that shit but that's a wacky one well then we got in the car we drove away and we were like speeding away and then all of a sudden my dad appeared in the backseat and I was like what are you doing here and he's like I've never loved you and and it was like a

police chase and I woke up and it was scary but and then I went back to bed and fucked one of the kids all right all right well that's at least there's a happy ending but that is definitely family drama just coming at you and then the police and you're nervous about stuff and maybe some social media and some politics and D fun my asshole it's all coming at you yeah it was a kooky duke dream and then this morning I had all kinds of stress because we got some drama going on and then from like five to six I was tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling and counting goats isn't that weird that some people

have drama going on and they love it they live for it that fuels them their blood is pumping their hearts racing and then other people like us we got drama and we undo it out umbrella we're just sinking down to their chair please leave me alone I hate it it's weird us some brains trigger a fun time and some brains triggered sadness yeah I think we're more joke guys and some people like drama more than silliness I guess but I'm like that in relationships because you know if my wife and I bicker I'm like let's just get divorced this isn't working silly like some people I got family members friends that just love

to go at it like fucking Earl Weaver just they turn their hat around and kick dirt on their wife and I'm just like that whatever you think we'll just you want Chinese we'll get Chinese I hate myself I'm the same way I mean I I guess my family was so shut down and closed off that if we fought it was like oh alright I guess he's gonna kill me or I don't my dad was such an angry kook when I was little that I just cower when I hear anybody getting mad or angry I can't take it yeah I'm just like never mind sorry yeah like to me a fist fight on the street if I was about to fight a guy once we're actually coming to blows

that's fine but the beginning part I'm like you know the fight hey what are you gonna problem but you want to go all that I'm like wait no but if we're actually fighting I'm fine yeah weird it should be the other way around yeah I guess so I just I don't like it I don't want anyone to be upset with me because I'm gay and you know so that's why I jerk off into my own mouth so everyone likes me yeah yeah that's why how we met but yeah whatever it takes it's been a wacky week and that's MLK days so hey let's all come together huh yes I think that was the Beatles actually not by the way coming together is what I did at a

sleepover in the 80s you know me and six guys you get each get a corner of the room and jerk off into a ghostbuster sleeping bag yeah I remember a kid and he was had his shorts at his knees beaten off but I remember being like I don't think we're supposed to be doing this with each other and he's like no you got to do this is what you do you beat off and I was like no I understand I beat off I just don't do it with my my fucking mates you know yeah yeah well you know it brings you closer I guess not me it distanced me that to me is like that's like the ultimate argument is somebody jerking off in front of you I'm

like I'm out well let me go Louie hold on he just left my house oh geez well no where do you hate it that's why I'm thinking about how bizarre is that he was in my home just a second ago isn't that I can't imagine him ever in Queens that's so funny very bizarre he was looking at furniture in LIC he said hey I'm in the neighborhood and it's weird to have yeah I don't get a lot of poppins over here I'm in Queens maybe a veeter but even then it's more of a we go for a walk but right yeah it was like I'm gonna come by and it throws you into like a fit I got to put pants on I gotta swallow my cum I gotta change the movie you put on a

different movie so it looks like you're cool apocalypse now because I was watching the best of Betty White or whatever yeah and 99 and it's also strange because when you have company but you have you have the out but you're in your home is weird yes yes totally what's yeah someone coming in your home is it's it's jarring you're like what do I do and you can't really sit down you just keep standing while they sit it's all off it's strange and then you're giving the tour and as you're opening the bedroom door you're like is my dildo on the pillow is art to her panties have the crust in them like yeah it's so

nerve-wracking showing the bedroom on a tour yep and also like so we're podcasting at five and it like you know he's he's he's a chatter and it's like 453 and he's like let me let me show you this one other movie I'm like I gotta start the podcast I can't it's not we have to I have other people waiting for me yes yes what damn he was dead they're that close to the to the time he's fucking Sarah in the other room right now yeah well you're crying but no it was great I mean it's first of all it's like these days COVID any kind of hang is is exciting yes you know you get someone there and you got someone you're

sitting on the couch the three of us are having coffee and tea and then the other day I bumped into Viter it was his last day in a story at Gary Viter our good pal and yeah he was like moving out and his wife and and son had already moved I bumped into him on the street he's like take gave me the tour of his house it's all boxed up and we sat there and had a good cry and I blew him hey alright well that's great news let me let me throw this in your dick hole and see if it it gets infected so everybody's moving to Jersey you know Gomez is in Jersey big J's going to Jersey Viter's going to Jersey other people going to Long Island

upstate whatever it is some people are going to Florida Texas I came across a real estate option oh boy but it's in Brooklyn oh god now my whole comedy career I started in Brooklyn got mugged bushwick bedbugs bedstie crown heights and I finally made it to Manhattan it was the highlight of my life living in Manhattan in the island on the in the city sex in the city and then now I got this Brooklyn option and we were being the lady were pretty gung-ho about it pretty official it's happening and then we heard about someone else moving in the building and now we're completely turned off interesting Delvoca Vista

exact I can't tell you who but it's the same exact premise is that episode oh wow this is exactly all over that shuffleboard court exactly now they're gonna call hey you want to come by oh well you know I'm a little busy but I'm like one floor down you see him in this the pool the elevator the the sauna you name it shuffleboard court I should have saved the shuffleboard court for that moment yeah that yeah that was don't even good pop there at the end I fucked up no one gets the references anyways but anyways wait for what are you doing in Brooklyn I mean first of all need I remind you you have two homes in Manhattan

wait what are you going third home well I'll remind you there tubs one of them is being rented by a nice Asian skank and then this one we're renting so we would just hightail out of here and then own in Brooklyn oh the own I see okay own the Libs but what kind of Brooklyn are we talking are we talking Williamsburg part slope Bushwick Ozone Park I think that's Queens they call it they call it Borum Hill it's right by the the Barclays so right by all the Choo Choo's and a lot of restaurants and shops and gays and all that and you know we did a walk around the other day like could we live here is this feel right is that your hand

who's who's touching me whatever it was and that building is so spectacular I mean it's brand new amenities I mean you got to come by and see this canopy and there's a meditation room there's a podcast studio there's entertainment there's a lounge there's a bar I mean it's really something I mean it feels I'm sure the building's amazing if I saw the building I'd take a shit and eat it but I mean Brooklyn we hate Brooklyn Brooklyn is first of all it's like the epicenter of wokeness it yeah it's the woke spot we're gonna record and in Brooklyn if they find out they'll fucking shoot us like the Kennedys trust me that crossed my

anal and also it's way the fuck out there I mean the thing about where you live is you could be at the comedy cellar in eight minutes that's what everyone's jealous of it so I didn't want to give away your address I exaggerated on purpose but yeah I mean if you want to get crazy you can be at the comedy cellar in 40 seconds yeah and you know you got a roof over there I mean owning is nice obviously the bullshit but all that crap but but just side note I don't know how it works with owning in New York but my mother's always been like if you oh if you're rent you're pissing your money away yada yada but as you

remember a couple weeks ago a big giant shit exploded in my bathroom and we called an old man to fix it so good point that's something good point I just don't see you in Brooklyn it's just I hate Brooklyn you gotta get a fucking skinny pants and a weird hat and and you got everything's gonna be racist now and I don't like the idea of you in Brooklyn it just doesn't sit well I hear you look look man I thought I had all the same thoughts we've had all the same talks the lady feels the same way as you she hates Brooklyn she hates Jews so we don't know what the hell to do but the place is so great and you're looking at Manhattan

and look Vita's going to Jersey he's in another state for Christ's sake I'm going across just a little pond and I'm still in the the city of New York I don't know everybody has said do it except you which is interesting I mean I haven't seen the building obviously owning is a big investment that's exciting that's a whole to do I mean you just got this apartment three weeks ago I mean it feels like just weird addictive behavior you're just shifting from one place to the other settle in live in this building you got a great building get the step down you got a room you're looking at fucking blank Avenue I mean it's

you're like I feel like Dylan at your house I'm sitting on the windowsill writing fucking bullshit well come by well we'll write a you know tambourine man although I don't think he wrote that one no you did oh oh sorry the bird stole it yeah they stole it made a jingling jangly horseshit yeah yeah words not mine jiggly jangly horseshit that's a that's a great band name right there but I added the horseshit but ah all right well either way I've had all the same thoughts and all the same back what is it convictions complaints I don't know please yeah so I'm with you there Fanny and this place I love this place is a

great apartment here even though it doesn't look like much on the zoom trust me come by and yeah you gotta come by more if you like it so much prove it well I mean you haven't you're not on the road I'm up my ass I mean I'm not getting a lot of invites it's not a pop-by spot it's a 45 minutes away I've come by a couple times I might add but yeah I'll come by but this Brooklyn business it feels a little funky and Barclays I guess Borough Hill is gonna be or Boring Hill what is it exciting hill Borum Borum I don't even know yeah well here's the thing if those queefs move in the deal is off well I want you

gotta text me who these queefs are when I do you're gonna go P you go to the Bronx yeah this sounds awfully fishy but I don't know I guess whatever your wife thinks I I don't know it's you got that special place there I feel like you've lived there for four days yeah it's been I think since July or June so it's a quick flip but I got a hot tip from my eye you know I befriended my real estate cunt and he's he's got all these new tip there's buildings you know 10% finished everybody's trying to get in it I got a spot for you if you want it I'm sure he gets a kickback I'm not an idiot but I know he's got you on the hook he's got

a line he's reeling in I mean this is insane I know it hit his offense though he did find this Asian coos to fill the the old place so who knows that's not bad I don't even know who you are anymore you got a real estate agent you just have a real estate agent this is insane I don't have an agent he's a friend and we stay in touch I see I got you well I don't know I mean it sounds like your heart is in Brooklyn now well the tree grows there and I don't know everybody's telling me to do it my mom says yeah do it but she wasn't listening she thought I was talking about going gay and my dad's trying so I

don't know what's going on but I'm not gonna change I'm too I'm too deep in with this personality I'm sticking with it well I'll just add this and maybe we've talked about this but my friend Ron on Hirshberg our friend yes we're doing a movie pod it's on the patreon join the patreon for God's sakes a lot of good fun stuff on there great and and he has a he lives in Brooklyn and he had a lady asking for money inside his building she's like can you spare a dollar on his steps Jehovah's Witness our friend Tom to car he had a person breaking in and then he got randomly punched in the face and someone broken his car twice

all in Brooklyn what neighborhood do you know I think it was called Borum Hill something like that no I don't know where they are it's a large burrow I believe the biggest burrow you know it did you got you got a Lefford's garden then you got fucking Borum Hill then you got Park slope then you got Clit Clinton Hill you know Lauryn Hill whatever it is there's a lot of places the law it's like saying oh this guy lives in the Upper West Side you're fucked you go to Manhattan I guess so but yeah there's I guess it's a different neighborhood I don't know anything about Borum Hill I never heard of it frankly it sounds made

up but Cypress Hill I know a lot of hills over there yeah yeah yeah the hillside Strangler I'm with you but Hills Hill we stormed that but I don't know it's a it threw it out there and I appreciate your opinion I respect your opinion and so I put it in your ass and see if it came well I'm sure if I went to this building it looks great I just found a floaty in my drink god damn it yeah I'm sure if I went there it's got a canopy and a door guy and a pool and a gym and whatever so I'm sure it's great and I understand owning is a much better thing I'm just saying give it some time you're like one of these guys that's engaged and

breaks it off and is engaged again I mean in that apartment I remember I just you called me and you said fucking Warren Spahn lives in this building and and Don Drysdale's my doorman and you got the rooftop and and the sunken living room that was like again like six weeks ago I'm Kim K over here I can't commit I can't stay married but I stayed at my old place for a couple years and that was the size of a baby's ball sack so I do feel like I found a great place here I got a COVID deal but I am renting so this will be owning and when you see this play I mean it's heaven on earth but maybe that's that's a whole nother

factor is is it too comfortable am I ever gonna leave I mean it I have a podcast studio there I have a gym there I have a art room a sauna a lounge a library I mean it it's like the game a clue in this place is every room I got a study is that all real this is sauna a lot you can come by use my son oh I love a son all right I'm on board now I'll go to the sauna all right well don't get me wrong I'll come by either way but that sounds a lot more out of the way and I gotta I got a garage as well pop the century right in garage is big I mean you're starting to sell me on this place rooftop oh big roof I'll send you the

the what do you call that thing the schematic I don't know that word that's like the the blueprint kind of thing I don't know the term all right all right we better move on to some other business that really ate up some time I apologize I got excited no I think that's fascinating and I'm glad to hear your thoughts but what do you got there I'm hogging it well I'll just talk about this because I know you got a lot but last Saturday so I haven't been doing too much stand-up comedy I've been making some visitios I'm doing nine podcasts I'm taking some photos and a couple dumps and just kind of laying low

here it's bad 400,000 people have died the whole thing and we're gonna pass the Civil War 600,000 people wow remember 600 million people died thousand whatever so I felt anyways so I've been laying low haven't done a set in a while and I think maybe we talked about this on or off air but I'm like so right now you know you always feel that pressure to be doing comedy to be running around writing and getting on stage and this right now it feels like you know I can kind of lay low and enjoy it guilt-free and it feels like we're never gonna come back hopefully to a time like this where everything's shut

down but we will go back to a time where we're working full time the whole thing so I've been taking that as like I'm gonna really lay low find out who I am all that bullshit I'm gay and so I've been doing that and then Ryan resets me up and goes hey I got a show Saturday night Midtown 53rd and 8th and I go that sounds good I'll do it then Soder text me and goes hey are you doing this show we could hang out it'll be like the old days and I said yeah let's do it so Saturday night I go get the centra Sarah's on the gig Soder's on the gig Sarah and I get the centra we pick up Soder now I'm driving the bus we drive

into the city parking is just a breeze right now six o'clock show I pull up right in front of the venue and it's the old days remember used to be at the world in Broadway 53rd and 8th Barcelona bar soup Nazi we go over there and it's like the old days it was wild there's less people around we go up there and the place is packed yeah bar outside it's one of those gigs what we're pretending to be outside there's like a canopy right really like inside yeah so we go in there and the crowd is like hot they're laughing at setups we get wings in the back we're all sharing wings it's like Ryan Reese Shiba Mason Alley

Breen good group Chris Murphy I haven't seen that guy in seven years I thought he was dead I think he is but I'm great guy hadn't seen him in years and already Fuqua comes by great to see him and he's you know he's wearing his best Ted Baker suit he's got a $4,000 suit on I'm wearing you know a hoodie with spaghetti sauce on it but man it you know I've done a lot of shows in the summer we're doing a lot but this is the first time in a long time anyways that I did a show with Soder with Sarah in between sets were bouncing bits before and after we went to Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks in between and we're kicking

around the old days like there's Broadway remember that night Nate and I shit our pants we used to get McDonald's here we looked into Barcelona bar we used to blackout and the whole thing wow and it was just great second show was not as great the crowd kind of sucked and it reminded me of like oh god late shows suck and everyone was chatting but man special special night it just felt like amazing and you know we all hugged and kissed and I just felt like god this is it really makes you miss it when you're home just kind of living this different life you're like oh this is cool it's interesting but man I miss

spots I can't wait for everyone to get vaccine shot in their ass so we can fucking ditch the masks hang out and have some fun here here I'm with you man I know there's nothing better than that feeling of getting juiced up jumping in the car riding into Queens and I know that gig that's a hot gig it's kind of a secret I don't know how much we're supposed to divulge but it's a it's a great spot I mean that would be a decent spot without COVID you know it's kind of feels indoorsy it's in midtown it's quick it's easy crowd was hot when I did it and man it rejuvenates you you're back you're like I have purpose I have a life

this is what I'm supposed to be doing and your friends are with you and you're hanging out it's it's all gravy yeah I had that well a couple days before I did Shafi Hossain show at what the fuck that Eric and swine Eric and swine yes so again like drove over there and that what that time it was just me and that felt cool because you know Sarah wasn't on soda wasn't on but I jumped in the car and the car is such a game changer I got there in 12 minutes it's like a two hour fucking train ride because it's in Brooklyn Brooklyn so I drive over there park right in front best parking spot I've ever got I get out of the car and

you can hear the comedian like he's just on walk in there and same thing like I'm in the bathroom taking a piss in that dive bathroom with fucking spray paint fuck the man whatever on there and you're like oh look at these assholes spray painting the toilet and it just felt good that feeling of like taking that last piss before you go on in the bar show so you just you got 10 minutes and you're like I got these three bits I'm gonna try yep and went on and did all new hundred percent new come on hitting it was like killing it felt great that's the best holy hell that's rare all new come on and we're rusty well that was

the thing that was interesting is like I was like I've been on stage in five weeks and I think it was like Shafi was like how'd you feel and I was like well I felt normal because I'm doing all new anyways so even if I had been on I'm like I'm still doing the jokes for the first time essentially so felt good so I'm feeling good hopefully there's more of these shows around town and I'll hit them up so hit me up folks for some show yeah same here I did that Eric and swine and loved it I had a weed a few Tuesdays there when I did it so that's the cool thing about you know you got to Williamsburg you're like all right well

my my trans jokes are really gonna eat a hot lunch and then they're laughing because they're Tuesdays that's a great feeling when you can get an edgy joke off in Brooklyn yeah it's not a place I'd want to live I'll tell you that but yeah some of the shows are pretty good all right what are you looking at here for Tuesday's stories brought to you by Express VPN you know it you love it we've all been in lockdown for almost a year and I think I've seen everything on Netflix and porn hub but with Express VPN you can trick the computer into thinking you are in a different country and you'll be able to watch just about

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that so get 20% off at Lucy.co with code Tuesdays I love it all right I love nicotine nice cigar really makes you shit yeah and they say it's actually not bad for you it's all the tar and the jizz and the aids that are in the cigarette there that's really kidding you but the nicotine is fine is that right yeah nicotine's all good in the hood no kidding that's what you'll be living if you want to take a shit I mean we've talked about this years ago but the good old day I have a big green smoothie a big ol burrito from Chipotle a hot tea and a cigar you'll take a shit the size of a fetus I mean just massive dump that's

that's the formula if anyone's interested yeah you know it's funny I hadn't been to Chipotle in about in about a couple weeks and I went today and man it's a heavy-duty meal it's a lot of calories it's thick heavy I got a big big retarded baby in my belly right now it I can't believe we ate that four times a week I know I miss it remember the old days on the upper west side we would go there right after on 79th Street or 78th Street those were the days yeah those are days I mean the show has been through so many weird things I mean like yeah people that we pitched it to or out of the business I think yeah yeah and that

crazy we we've really transitioned many times and new studios new networks new producing old producing a lot of a lot of a Byron Allen incidents you name it yeah a lot of running two producers to cut things out oh yeah some good old fashion drama any who what do you got you said you got a lot and I feel like we haven't gotten any of it because Brooklyn was so kooky well here's something I want to throw against the wall and see if it's diseased I've got my hopes up on a thing and just shoot them down because I'm gonna get hurt later and I I'm too I'm too hopeful about something I know it's not gonna happen I need to just be

brought back to earth and you're the guy to do it sure you suck you're gonna fail and you're gonna die for sure thank you all true and so my my agent sends me all these auditions I don't know how you are but you know all I do is sit around going how come I'm not in crashing why am I not in girls hey what the hell I should be in Atlanta I'm black whatever I'll wear the black face you name it but then they send me all these auditions and I look at each one I go ah this is a bunch of shit I don't want to do all this work so I'm a cunt in that way I feel the exact same way I just got sent an audition and same thing I had to get an

extension because I didn't know how to read it I was reading with my nephew and that I'm reading with my mother and she sucks and not it doesn't suck as a person as an actor and the same thing I'm like I'm not gonna do it all I've ever wanted to be was an actor I like practice my Oscar speech I don't thank God and I get an audition and I'm like no way Jose yeah it's just they don't realize I know they're sending us a tape and they go this is perfect for you we vetted all these parts but this one is so you it's a nerdy guy with glasses and a forehead and a small mouth and you're like I still not gonna get it and it's so much work you

got to shoot it you got to memorize the lines then you got to shoot it again because you fucked it up then you got to edit it then you got to send it through it's a lot of work yeah and I I also I'm not an actor so like Ronald Reagan the actor so like I'll say my line and then while the other person's reading their line I just stand there like I watch the video I know film I know TV I don't know TV too well but I know the soprano stinks but I'm watching it back and I'm like because a tiger will bite you and then she's like whoa and I'm like yeah yeah I think I just stare I can't act I suck yeah I'm with the 100% there fatty so I

do these auditions they take me six hours to each one I send it in I never get it I've never gotten one thing at least you've gotten some stuff I've never gotten one thing well I'm sorry I got my first audition I ever went on first and third auditions but as a commercials those are like who wants to be in a commercial commercials suck I would love to be in a car that pays way better and it's one day of work but did commercials you did that Toyota thing you did you just did one recently where you're in the shower doing some commercial thing oh yeah that was a Instagram ad but hey you're right you're right I'll take it

that the Toyota thing they came to me though that was the beauty of it the auditioning I just fucking hate but to each is anal so I got the ultimate audition and I couldn't wait to shoot it cuz I'm such a fan and blah blah blah try to guess the show curb you got it yeah right out of the gate there lunch so I call up fat salad cues I go hey Sally we got a curb audition I send it to me goes get your fat ass over here I hop on the bike I go over there and it was it was a dream like there's no script Larry just tells you the the the subject of the premise and you just acted in Salak use was Larry and I was the guy fucking

with Larry and it was fun wow I actually obviously I'm not gonna get it but I actually felt good about it you know you turn it in usually like that's a load of pilot big pile of Steven dog shit but this I'm like this I could get this this went pretty well Salak use killed it I felt like I was in the zone I could he I could see myself on the show so when do you hear what goes on when did when was it do when did they send it what's what's going on our wheels in motion well I sent it on Friday then it's a weekend that MLK to go get shots and now we're waiting on this day and all that so who knows I'm looking probably not gonna get

it but boy that was exciting well I would say this I mean like numeralically or digitally what's the thing percentage wise odds not odds it's not a high percentage odd yeah but you're in there I mean first of all you it's clear you're funny I mean I wish I don't know if Larry sees it if he casts it or if there's a casting person right anyone can see that you're funny that you know what you're doing I haven't seen the audition but I'm sure it's pretty good the fact that you're not like it's dog shit makes it seem like it's great so why not you I mean we've seen a million comics in there I mean who's better than you why not you

everybody's better I suck I hate myself but I don't know here's the here's the rub here's the clinker we shot it and we had a cut because we kept laughing which I think is a good sign but I'm supposed to be a pretentious LA actor guy who's all about vibes and energy and aura and the lines are funny but I don't come off that LA douchey because my acting is not great but the lines are funny so that might be what kills me the rinds across well sometimes though it doesn't matter because they've changed the character for an audition is so good there's a million stories like you know Tommy DeVito the real Tommy DeVito in Good

Fellows was six nine and 24 years old and 800 pounds John Cazale and dog day afternoon the real character was 21 but they were like we got John Cazale just make him an old bald fucking loser so maybe they'll go just make them whatever you are you know they can change it for you well I appreciate it this is all very nice and positive COVID test but I don't know I just I got to keep the the hopes low just because I it's gonna crush me when three months go by and I go hey whatever happened to that my manager goes oh yeah they threw your tape on a pile of burning Bibles so go kill yourself well keep the hopes low I

would say not even the hope they hope is fear in reverse as they say I mean it's the same as fear it's just kind of you did it it was fun and by the way now you're in the Rola decks they're seeing you somebody involved with curb is watching you so that's something and you know Schumer was on there and Eric Andre and the other guy so Santino yes Santino so I think you got Sonny from Goodfellas I mean Godfather I just realized I was referencing Goodfellas earlier I thought it was Godfather or something clicked in my head it's two different movies I hate myself because they'll hey there you go that's what it

was I got a lot of things fishing around my tits a lot of Italians in that head of yours but anyways I got I got my fingers crossed and by the way I mean we just have to you'd have to take your own life after that if you go to fucking LA or New York wherever they're shooting and you're on set one-on-one with Larry David I'm gonna come in your ass pull it out eat your ass till there's common shit in my throat and then I'm gonna kill myself and take you with me cuz that's I mean you can't top it it's the ultimate I mean Jerry would call I go hey I don't have time for you you fat fucking Jew I'm talking to the king over

here we're talking to the real talent you piece of shit but I mean I would rather get a role on curb where I'm talking with Larry than sell my own TV show literally if somebody was like come on sell a show have your own show or be on curb dancing with Larry I'll take the Larry I don't need a show that seems like too much work yeah that's a good point and here is the the other clinker is I told my manager I was like tell him I've met him before at a wedding tell my open for Jerry like I'm in that world baby I'm a New York comic and then I thought maybe he'd hate that like this guy was a Jerry he's gonna want to talk

to me he's gonna want to talk about Jerry he thinks he's got it in with me so hire the stranger I don't want to hire a guy I've met no and work with Jerry that's tricky let's see this is interesting so thought experiment if you had a show and it was a big hit and you know you got your house in Brooklyn and then someone calls and says hey I got a kid auditioning he's obsessed with mark loves mark never misses a Tuesdays he opens for Joe list would you like that or would you not like it because you might go hey if he if Joe likes him that's the question yeah that's a great point now what would you do if it was flipped it opens for mark he's uh Tuesday he's a fan of

of uh your your youtube special and blah blah blah well the honest answer is if it was if it was a situation where I was gonna go on a trip with this person if I was gonna go do a weekend of comedy with them and spend four days in a car and they were like he's friends with mark I'd go oh great that's perfect if he's friends with mark then that's I'm sure he's fine let's go but a roll is different because you're like well I'm not spending time with him I'd be like just give me the tape I don't give a fuck if he's friends with Jerry but I wouldn't be mad I wouldn't be upset they said he's friends with mark but I would be like oh he friends with mark okay great but what's his audition I don't give a shit is he black is he brown is he smart is he funny is his

dick huge does he swallow right that makes sense I hear you loud and clear all right well those those are just my thoughts but again it's hard to we don't know because I've never had a successful show let alone two yeah it's out it's out in the ether we'll see what happens I hope he thinks it's funny I mean I'm sure he's got 7 000 tapes to look through but my agent swears to me that trust me they thought about you or this is perfect for you or we we curate this so this one goes to you I don't know they they claim that that there's a shot because I keep going I don't want to do these auditions I'm lazy I'll never get it and they go we put in a good word we have a good vibe we have a connection with this person they trust us so I don't know we'll see

let me just say this as a friend if you get this gig yeah I don't want to hear about it from someone's tweet or seeing you on the show I want to after you dance around and kiss and fuck your wife maybe you call your mother maybe eh I want an early text I don't want to see this on fucking Salak use's Instagram or or fucking watching the show and all of a sudden you pop on I want to text bold letters all caps I got the part with like some kind of emoji or gift or whatever it is oh you kid if I get this I'm getting a Larry and a headlock I'm kissing that top of that big bald cue ball and I'm sending the right to you what could be better I don't think there's any topic like we've done all the late nights you have a common special I guess selling your own show is crazy

but to me you sell a show it's it's cancel city I mean they're just gonna come after and go hey these guys talk about fucking kids every three minutes sure and it's a ton a ton of work I mean they always say the best part of a selling a show is selling it and then just going to fucking Tahiti for six months but actually sitting down writing it coming up with an episode every week dialogue all that shit that's a nightmare well it's kind of like the boat thing we talked about last you want a friend that has a show I want you to sell a show and then I come on and you know blow you a couple times totally yeah yeah I don't want to do any work I mean that's why we love Larry because he gets that he's like oh I made the best show of all time but I also was miserable because

I was stressed out about writing it that's how I feel right yeah it's interesting I was listening to somebody some fan I appreciate them sent me a podcast with John Krakauer who's my favorite writer and he was on the podcast so thanks to the Tuesdays that really listen and know what we love but anyways I listen to it and he said he's like I'm never writing a book again he's like I would never for a second he's like I'm 63 years old he's like I want to live I don't want to sit because he's OCD he's like I rewrite every sentence a hundred times and he's like I don't want to be sitting in my basement my 60s writing a fucking book I want to go rock climb and have sex with children or whatever it is but I get it it's almost like with a show you want to get a show earlier

because you're like after a while you're like I don't have the energy for that that's why podcasts are nice we get together we blow each other for an hour and then you go do stand-up here here queer queer I'm with you yeah boy that guy sounds just like you who is this guy John Krakauer he wrote Into the Wild and my favorite book which what do you think of this you know me I like to go a little cuckoo and where there's not a lot of traveling there's some traveling I got some big trips coming up but you know you don't have as many social stuff and there's all this excitement so I love Krakauer he wrote Missoula which I remember talking about a couple of years ago on the pod and and under the banner of heaven which is about Mormons and then he wrote the Patrick

Tillman story where men find glory all great stuff which a Tuesday gave to me in Denver so thank you sir if you're still listening but anyways he's fantastic he's a rock climber he's a writer and so Into the Wild is my favorite book ever you might remember years ago I went to Peru to see my ex girlfriend yes we had a great time the whole thing and she was like I'd like to read that book I lent her my copy and of course never got it back we don't talk anymore so now she just has it so I don't have it on the shelf and I have all of his books in sequential order except for the first one which is my favorite so I said I'm gonna just rebuy it I'll just buy it again so I can have it on the shelf like a trophy but then what do you think of this I got a little hair up my tits

I thought if I'm buying it why don't I buy a nice version and you know I got the first edition dharma bums which is a hefty expensive book I said I'll get a first edition into the wild okay now what does that mean first edition I'm an idiot get school me on this that just mean one of the first ones ever made yeah so it's the first it's the literal the first edition since then you know they sell out of those ones and then they make it a movie so they put the movie cover on the book so now it's you know you know Emile Hirsch is on the cover and it says now a hit movie right and then it keeps selling out so you got to keep remaking books and then he does a revised edition now there's a new forward or prologue or whatever um and so like if you want to go buy a carowak book

you're not buying one that came out in 1957 you're buying one that was they made three years ago got it okay so the first edition is exciting so then I look it up first editions and they're all like 500 bucks 400 bucks I'm like why is it so expensive it's only 25 years old it's signed by Krakauer so I went ahead I spent 450 bucks on a book I've read is that stupid am I crazy am I gay well you're a sentimental soft douche you know that's part of it you're you're a softee and this shit means a lot to you so I get it and it's a signed book that I assume it can only go up in val so you're you're kind of making an investment here it's something and it looks nice on the shelf I he held it in his hands he wrote in it I but it's weird though because he's not like a rock star

he's just a rock climbing writer so it's not like he touched it but it's something and I said ah fucking but I'm afterwards I'm like what are you doing I could have got it for nine bucks it's a big purchase but it is signed and you like the guy you respect the guy and he's your favorite writer so I get it I get I mean it's it's a pretty penny but I think it's all right I mean I wouldn't do that every every week but once a year you're okay yeah I guess it's his story but uh I don't know I feel like some of the Tuesdays gonna write to me and be like I lost my job your piece of shit you're buying $400 books but it felt exciting and um you know so I got it now it's on the way but you got that little high it's like a drug I'm waiting for the doorbell to ring and I got a nice

first edition book with an autograph in there yeah when Louis comes by you hope the first thing he does is go hey what is that a signed crack hour that's pretty good yeah what I would have done is saw that was 400 clams said hold on hold your horses there cracky let me check ebay and then I bet you could have found a $150 signed well that's what this was this was Abe's books which is some kind of book thing I don't know what Abe's books but that's what came up but they were all around there some of them like a thousand bucks so I don't know if they were inscribed or what the fuck yeah well I mean that's a lot of a lot of corn on a on a paperback um but anyways I got that coming in the mail I'm excited I forget why I brought it up but just the idea of that he was like I

don't want to write a book I just want to hang out and that's how I feel sometimes it's so hilarious I'm like I might move to Brooklyn I might own you're like what are you crazy that's a horrible decision that you're like I just spent six grand on a on a fucking coloring book here well I mean I'm just guessing I don't know anything about real estate I don't have a real estate guy but something tells me this Brooklyn home with a sauna and a fucking wet willy or wet slide slippery slyly is a little more than 400 bucks well of course it is but it's a steal it's a steal and a half so that's the only reason I'm considering it because you're getting all this shit I looked it up that in Tribeca would be like you know six million literally and then I looked it up in Brooklyn it's

quite quite less I'm not going to say the price but quite less try Becca that's the name of the girl that took my into the wild oh yeah that was a real bomb no no sorry it took me a second I forgot her name that was Becca anyways all right I'm honest stuff to talk about I got a crack our book I'm very excited my father's gay let me let me do this last ad and then I got a I got a saga here oh right I forgot we got another uh what do you call it sponsor oh I love this sponsor love these guys you're going I'm going I thought you said you said you were going I'll go all right I don't I don't mind going my bottom's cut off folks we love these folks Tuesdays with stories is also sponsored by Manscaped Valentine's Day is right around the corner that's right just a few weeks away

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all right I'll throw it on your back thank you it's warm all right so I got this BMW and uh in a uh you know the bucket of bolts they call it old smokey at the garage because every time they have to move it it's like a poo a big shoot of black smoke comes out of the exhaust pipe and it's a little it's a little insulting that they call it old smokey but hey it's fun I like having a real couple of new york mooks you know working in the garage I got the jumpsuit on a splotch a tar right here a soot and they got a big wrench that they they're scary men but that sounds great to me it's fun it's fun it's a very classic new york moment but so I had this I got this beamer and I I vetted like six mechanics all these

Tuesdays hit me up hey I got a shop in Queens I got a shop in Long Island I got a shop in Jersey I'm the guy I can fix that thing up ship shape I can put some new fog lights on it exhaust help caps whatever you want and I you know I google I ask around I read some of the reviews a lot of these guys are shady characters you know some people like I heard you're thinking about going with uh Robb's uh Robb's auto Johnson and in Nassau County don't do it that guy fucked my wife and raped my kids and all they're like okay great good to know so I got I was doing a lot of back and forth a lot of research a lot of homework on these auto shops okay so one guy I really liked a lot and he just clicked and he's like a Tuesday a Seinfeld douche the

whole thing and he came out to a soul Joel gig I did and we met we had at some beers we broke bread we kissed and great guy and I said this is the guy I can feel it loves comedy loves all of us so then he sends me a video of him at the shop he's got a couple 2002s which is my car he's got a couple to shop already so not only is this guy a gearhead and a cool cat but he's also got the exact car I have and he knows what he's doing okay so far so good so far so I go okay how far out are you he's in Pennington New Jersey which I've never heard of it's some small weirdo Amish town it's an hour and hour and a half hour and 40 away now I said I'm getting nervous even just driving this thing around the city it could get nicked scratched touched breathed on wrong

pitching on it or shit on it and an hour and 40 minutes in this little tin can could it even make it right and I don't have plates I don't have insurance and it's not registered so we got a lot of factors here I got to change states in this deathmobile in order to get to old Pennington right it's like you have to buy a car to tow that car I know so so I'm nervous about it it's been looming over my head like I'm just sitting here paying $8 million for a garage this thing's rotting away when it could be being worked on what's the point you should get it over there man stop wasting time we're in a pandemic you never had more time this is it so I go this Thanksgiving I'm pulling out of the garage I'm packing a snack and a water bottle I'm driving out there that's it

so I wake up early I suit up I get my little lunch pail I put on a hat and I go over there and I go can I pull out old smokey and they go oh boy you're not gonna like this so they they swing open the big door flat tire I'm talking to the rim they're like if we even bring this out it'll scrape and like it'll ruin your rim this is a 50 year old rim you don't want to do that you should call a tow truck and tow it out there and I go all right so it kind of ruined my mojo a little bit because I had this big mission planned where I was gonna go out there and have an excursion and go to the tunnel in my little car and make it all that shit so I call the tow train it's gonna be like eight thousand dollars to tow it from here to there but they go hey if you

get AAA you get a free tow if you sign up it's like all right well let me do that so I sign up it's a nightmare whatever and then I go off on a gig to I don't know where some some gig Florida maybe Tampa and then I go hey can you tow my car they go you have to be there and I go ah geez so I go can I send the lady and they go no we can't send the lady because she sucks and all this shit that we need your ID and all that I'm like all right so now I come back now Christmas comes you go to New Orleans you go to Boston whatever so file the new year is here and I say how about this I'm gonna go to that garage get the car out fill it up with air take it to a mechanic have him change it and then drive it okay that sounds like something yes but I will say that the towing is

so tempting because you don't have to do any work it's a it's it's alluring yes but can I ask though what why is it impossible or so hard to just crank it up and change the tire yourself am I naive am I gay what's going on here that's not bad that's not bad but I don't have a tire ah so you get it's a tire issue yes yes second tire so there happens to be so I call Salicus and this other guy Eric and he he he's gonna film it so he comes with his camera we meet at the place at noon we we fill the tire up at the garage they were nice enough to have like the little we fill it up we get some temporary air in there there's a big screw coming out of the tire the size of my dick puncture the hole I don't know when it happened we take it to the auto shop

and it's classic New York I go in there's a bunch of guys and jumpsuits working and I go hey sorry to bother you it's a big warehouse on Greenwich Street hey uh change the flat the guy goes I'm eating here Jesus all right sorry he's eating a sandwich like apparently we hit him at lunch and he goes I'll be with you I'll be with you give me 15 minutes I'm eating here I go all right so I wait outside we're just sitting there like idiots are looking at the tire and this Hispanic guy comes out not a lick of English and he goes tire tire I go yeah yeah flat flat tire screw and he goes mmm feels around finds the screw this is how good this guy is he goes plug it I plug it and I go well I'm driving an hour and a half on the highway I don't know if a

plug's gonna do it he's like highway fine fine plug and I go all right I give the guy a 10 bucks if he plugs it right there so did did he fill it and plug it or just plug I don't understand how it works I'm an idiot you gotta explain this to me like I'm a retarded kid on a Christmas I agree I didn't know anything either this plug makes me nervous because it just sounds very temporary we'll plug it he he puts this goo in then yanks it out and it when you yank it it plugs the whole well that I've done yeah and then he fills it and I'm like are you sure this is good he's like better than new good to go it's all Spanish I don't know what the hell he's saying and I made he's like it's flat flat I said my ex and he goes ah and I go all right whatever so then

we have to drive it through the tunnel now the tunnel is very governmenty you know there's there's cops waiting there with machine guns as a toll booth there's all kinds of stuff with a tunnel so it's very risky so I get Salak use he's got his van he follows me close to cover my no plates okay that's a nice move good this guy is a very valuable friend he's like he's the best he's the best and he's he's furious the whole time he's like how long it's gonna take and I told him it's gonna be about an hour and a half he's like geez I got kids I got a wife I have a life what are you doing to me I said hold on we'll get there so we go to the tunnel I gotta tell you man it is nerve-wracking that car it's little everybody's whizzing by

in these big trucks you know I'm like oh god you know no power steering that thing's rickety it's made of 10 it's from 73 and I've never gotten that thing past second gear because I'm just tooling around the city you gotta go you gotta get in the flow of traffic I got that thing up to 78 I mean fourth gear oh my god that thing drives like a dream it's so well taken care of he's on my ass we get through the tunnel we go through the toll booth and we're home free baby Salicus raises the question how much gas is in that thing oh boy because my my speedometer needle and my gas needle needle and my heat is all it's all just doing this it's like fucking Muhammad Ali just wiggling everywhere and I don't know how fast I'm going I don't know how much gas I have I don't

know how much uh tachometer is all over the place it's it's pretty risky so I go we better get gas so we go get gas we go to Jersey they have to fill it up it's a whole thing now we're full tank and we're back on the road and this is the longest ride of my life it's an hour and a half white knuckling it in this fucking car you don't know if it's gonna pop you don't know the tire is gonna blow whoo it was scary just counting the minutes and this guy's Eric's filming the whole thing and uh who we finally made it we get to Pennington we pull up the guys got Porsches Lamborghinis Jaguar Lotus you name it just out in the lots of beautiful place and this is the cool part so this guy comes out he goes hey it looks pretty good he checks it out what do you want he brings

out a clipboard I got one new shocks I want new uh alternator whatever the hell it is I made up a bunch of stuff and he goes all right well we gotta wait for old man Charlie and I go who's old man Charlie he's like he what's that I said OMC yes uh he comes up he owns the place he's like a car savant you know he's building cars he knew Henry Ford he fucked his wife this whole thing and this guy's 900 years old he's like a car whiz so we're taking photos with the car he's looking at stuff kicking the bumper old man Charlie pulls up with his rickety old truck and he goes is that it and I go yeah no hello no nothing white hair looks like Doc Brown he's got the black fingernails the big boots and he goes huh and he walks straight up to the car

and gets on his hands and knees and he's looking under it he goes ding ding ding not a lot of rust where's his car from California I go it is and he goes yeah I thought so he goes give me the keys I throw him the keys catches it and he just takes off that's it he's gone he just hightails it down the highway all I just hear is you know then we start talking what's his deal oh man how about those nets uh geez you see the capital he comes back 20 minutes later he goes it runs great here's what you gotta do to it goes through a whole list we shake hands he gets in his truck and leaves so wait did he doesn't do the stuff someone else does the stuff he might do it later but they you know they couldn't get to it that day I didn't get there till 4 p.m. I see oh okay I see this guy was

out of a movie though you're such a character he's got overalls on he's under the car he's he's listening to the car like a native american he's licking it kissing it sniffing it and he just knew everything he popped the hood I mean this guy was uh he was unbelievable so we shook hands we we all left and Salak use was pissed we got home and I took him out to an italian dinner and that was that so the car is there I love anyone that has that level of expertise this is my problem in life I want to be that guy but I love so many things that I end up knowing just a tiny shitty amount about like 50 things right instead of being the one guy that's like you gotta lift your wrist when you throw the ball and I didn't see it I heard it you know which is just I'm just talking about kingpin now but

you know I just I love those guys that can look at a thing my uncle's like that my uncle brian he just sniffs he's the one that put his ass on the window and offended the kids but he's one of those guys too he can just look and nose the size and width of a car and how the headlights work and all that shit so kudos to that guy he sounds like the john wane of cars yeah completely he's like the wolf in pulp thing just shows up he's like this is what needs to be done and then he left no hello no bye no good afternoon just gone and it was really something to see like you're right it's that expert guy is so rare now everybody knows about instagram and snapchat here's how you get on tiktok here's how you get a million views this guy's like this guy uh this car's from california what is it a 73

smells like it needs oil uh once park plug is out he just had his ear to it i mean it was really really something to see and is he the tuesday no no the tuesday is the guy who runs the shop i don't want to say his name but i was talking to him the whole time then charlie old man charlie showed up and and did his whole spiel wow i love oh maybe we could convert old man charlie tell the owner to work on charlie have him play a couple episodes maybe he gets on board and now i'm driving the bus yeah it'd be nice it'd be nice we went into the auto shop you know there's one guy in a jumpsuit under a car it's up on the rack and he's doing this thing and he goes hey bill hey normans here and he goes uh and he gave me this weird thing i was like what's his deal and he goes oh he's a fan he's

freaking out i was like oh that's cool he's a tuesday too so it was a it was a fun moment we got out of there we got back home and then we did the curb audition and it was a great day but i feel so much better knowing that the car is just being worked on to get techs every day do you want this rim or do you want that hubcap do you want this shock do you want these uh whatever shift gears uh you name it so it's a good time that's the thing with the car is doing any maintenance feels so good i got an oil change on time felt so good you filled the tank with gas you just feel like hell yeah i got i got 400 miles to go on this thing and uh i needed air filters and my dad's an amateur mechanic he got right in there and changed the filter and it was fantastic you just feel like

i'm taking care of it i'm doing it because we're children and imagine how you would feel if you did it like if you change the air filter if you change the oil if you were really replace the drum brakes or whatever the hell it is yeah that would be something i guess i guess it's like when you make your own meal but i've never got into that i'd rather have you know a woman make it and then blow me same same get those shoes off get pregnant and start cooking skank i'm with you but yes it should be done by spring so in springtime for hitler i'm gonna go down and get it bring it back and uh the guys like what do you want to do with it i just said i want it to be reliable i don't care about speed i just want it to be a nice car that i can get in and drive that's great

that's exciting that's something to look forward to i mean hopefully you got your nice house in brooklyn we'll see and then you'll you'll be cruising around fdr and the west side highway and all that good shit and then it's gonna be a great summer hell yeah and i want to pick your fat ass up but we'll uh we'll watch our my curb set if i get on and it's gonna be a great year i don't think it's called a set but yeah i'm hoping and uh boy we gotta we gotta wrap this son of a bitch up but uh i'm in royersford next wednesday january 27 royersford and uh that's gonna be fun i'm excited about that and then also uh key west february 11 through the 13th comedy key west come on down to that sarah will be there with me and um hell yeah that's gonna be fun and then march

i got some shit but i don't have my calendar here so fuck i think oh i think i'm at the new one kansas city helium i think in march so is that right i believe so so that's exciting and uh get on the patreon bunch of great shit on the patreon it's a great time to be on there we got a whole slew of stuff and there's new merch tons of merch tpublic.com yes check out that tuesday's merch and um subscribe to us on youtube and tell a friend about the show keep spreading the word and suck your own dick where are you gonna be yeah we got a new seinfeld commentary on uh on the patreon that's uh creating quite a buzz so if you haven't seen it yet get on board and check that out we'll do more stuff like that people seem to dig it uh february 3rd i'm at the stress factory in jersey

that's an outdoor show that's a hot room or hot tent and then i'm at soul joels in february 10th this week i'm at okc comedy club and uh yeah more fun stuff uh what is that called good nights in raleigh on uh on uh you know february late early march sorry so yeah a lot of fun stuff coming up tell a friend tuesday it up youtube share us on youtube check out our specials i hate myself out to lunch subscribe and uh go gay fuck your mom and praise ala