Tuesdays with Stories! - #387 Niece Nude

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

It's a groundbreaking new Tuesdays as Joe finds some old notes from his childhood shrink and Mark gets stuck in Philly before getting weepy over a documentary and heading to New Orleans! Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Manscaped (manscaped.com code: tuesdays), Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks it's Tuesday I'm Tuesday and that's fat big J no big J I need a rhyme oh I see fat gay big J hey that's fun but you're you're a thin thin Lizzie

yeah I'm on two hours of sleep I'm gay I'm all over the place yeah I got bad sleep I was with family I'm all fucked up too I just got here and then I started I've never said this in my life but I started organizing a sock drawer like 30 seconds before this no big mistake now it's all loosey-goosey you can't relax I got a pile of clothes on the floor but I'm throwing away all my miscellaneous socks all the solo socks are getting thrown away I just got socks up my ass three are covered in calm two in blood and one in more come than the other ones so I just wigwams those are thick they absorb you like Marie Kondo over there

you're making your place less cluttery well my mother just found I'm gonna get into this later I mean I just went home for the Super Bowl and everybody's all vaccinated and some aren't but whatever and we're home for the Super Bowl hung with the family and every time you go hang out with the family don't you feel like you're a little further from sane from sane sane sanity yes yeah of course what are you getting that's that's our whole MO I don't even know what an MO is memorized opera operandus no memorial memorial Oprah it's it's operandi it's it's latin oh okay the am is silent I think it's oh my oh got it got it

my mission and motorized motor eye operandi or some bullshit motor motor vehicle operation Moisha I don't know but yeah that's our whole thing I mean the family I was just with mine as well for three days it's like running a tough mutter your sore after your foggy your butthole hurts it's a it's a rough weekend yeah it's it's strange and it really just takes you back I went through some old photos I posted some photos from Disney that just I'm just horrified I know I mean hey you're goddamn adorable I mean you look like you just met Jared Fogle you're so miserable and but you're cute as a button oh thank you yeah I

feel like I really fell off I feel like my kid handsome cuteness is not equal to this ghoul you're all looking at now I don't know what went wrong they gave me braces that didn't work the forehead kept growing I mean the hair spot on I don't know what's going on with the jaw I don't know it's from sulking or blowing my parents or what but I figured it out because I stared at these for an hour and rub rubbed one out but I think I figured out what it is your body said hey we can stay this cute or we're gonna keep growing and I think some of your body said let's just keep growing so you just went lanky you went full scare

crow the forehead kept going and it stretched you out like one of those old mirrors yes bad news bears because at the time I felt like and the problem is I carried that feeling because when I was like a third grader I could have fucked any priest on the block but I had so I had that early mindset of like I'm cute I'm adorable I'm sexy I'm dark I'm mysterious right I kept that going but somewhere around 21 22 I just turned into a fucking amount of things ghoul pariah I think we said just a bad situation but I got my little kid adorable confidence ah interesting I went the other way I was a fat fucked up

teeth scraggly curly hair bad skin and I went like but I was happy and then I went sad and better looking interesting yeah I'm a piece I'm just saying you should have seen me as a kid I was horrific yeah it's it's interesting but somewhere along the line I mean I gotta I gotta share this I don't know if I should save it for a little later but I found some some notes from when I went and got analyzed in like 1989 I was seven what it's crazy man I'm having trouble dealing with that I can't deal mark that's why I'm off I see him off this is why oh we got it we gotta dive old into those analytical anals they pulled out

my analysis my anal cyst and they kept it in a bag it's a good band and so now I'm looking at my anal cysts and it's dark man I was like a I got some problems I'm fucked up well hey I can't wait let's let's get in there I mean we should call Freud and go to Vienna whatever a sign for it says we got to go deep because this is gonna be heavy-duty you need a team yes but I have to say this I was sitting in my childhood bedroom and you know I gave my parents the the little card for when they liked welcome to the tonight show Joe list yeah and it's framed and matted and after about nine months they finally hung it on

the wall I was sitting behind a chair for quite a while that's something I threatened to take it back and then they hung it up finally but ah so they hung it up so it's hanging and I'm sitting in my childhood bedroom where I was just riddled with fear of AIDS literally and I'm like I did okay I got on Netflix I got on the tonight show you know I've blown a couple guys so I feel like you're I overcame some stuff but man it's ugly up there yeah yeah well it's a haunted house of dark thoughts and twisted pleasures so but hey at least you're interesting you could be one of these suburban cunts who who just fucks a fire

man and then pushes around about your fat rug rats yeah I got something going you know I got a good career some body of work it's something I'm not you got two and a half million views over here you're not you're not watching the bachelor eating bonbons and ordering grubhub every night while you blow the cable guy you know you're cooking well I hate the the bachelor whatever but I I do order grubhub every night I go with the other one not seamless what's it called food tube or Uber eats Uber eats that's the one I go Uber eats pretty much every meal and I did blow one cable guy but and I saw the film quite a few times

great pretty good great film although there's I think we talked about this already but man after the porno password everything after that is a piece of shit yeah it gets real wacky I mean they're climbing a satellite dish it's it gets off the rails a little bit for sure but anyways I don't want to dive straight into this stuff because I'm not even ready I mean I literally just got back and check this out I got my mother gave me she had all these t-shirts saved it was like a t-shirt from the late show with David Letterman then there's this one do I keep this to get rid of it it's my Belushi college I was the coolest

shirt when I was banging seven years of college down the drain and you got to see it's like wonderfully wear and tear I mean look at these nice holes keep it what are you getting that's a legendary shirt that's a beauty and it's softer it's softer than a lubed baby's asshole but do I need to keep it I mean what the fuck well can I have it if you're getting rid of the pub I'm gonna wear that to my wedding I mean you could sleep in it I guess because it's it's soft and nice but I don't know you're like throwing away your childhood and then of course your parents are like I gotta get rid of this shit we got too much shit in the

house and you're like it's the shirt I wore every day in eighth grade you're like well geez of course of course it's sad that it's shit to them like I used to collect Star Wars action figures not cuz I like the movie I just knew they'd be worth something one day and I have every one of them and it took years of flea markets and garage sales and orgies whatever it is and I finally got them all and they almost threw them out I had to tackle my dad and then in the lawn when he was walking out to the garbage I had fucking Jar Jar Binks and Jabba the Hut flying all over I had to scoop them up and put them back in well

it's funny you bring that up because I got the same situation over here and my parents did sell them to Shirley Cooper a family friend and for like 12 bucks for the bag and I had the Millennium Falcon and all that shit because I I was like obsessed with those movies when I was a kid because I wasn't you know I was still stupid so I loved it and I had all the the Jabba walkies and the the the wookies and the n-words I had everything and threw it all in a trash bag yeah yeah oh they got rid of them they sold them this is this is like gotta be 30 years ago now I was still a kid I was like 15 or something surely Cooper that

fat coos I bet she put them in her twat once and then flushed them down the toilet I bet she didn't appreciate it no I mean she probably I don't know fed him to the dog or blew him up like Sid that Dan Crone guy from Toy Story oh yeah he was fucked up yeah I remember this is a sad tale and don't repeat this but one time my aunt she had a my cousin he was like two so he was a little you know he was shitting himself and retarded and he got a bunch of them from some other guy who died in Baton Rouge his her son died or something so she got all the toys so they gave it to my my cousin who was two and I said can I have these and

my aunt said well he just got them you know he's two and I go he'll never know and she's she gave it to me oh boy he's stupid he's had a soft baby you know water baby heads so he didn't know this could be a situation where you know like the Seinfeld where it's like the racetrack with Uncle Leo like he hears this you know you're doing pretty well you're buying houses in every borough this guy could all of a sudden grab a lawyer and come sue you for these you know what are they called again heart Darth Vader Han Solo Princess Leia Chewbacca action figures ah is there another word for them dolls toys figure I guess

figures is what I was going with your in figurine yeah is that a lady figure ah maybe maybe is that what a Wolverine is that a lady wolf I don't know I got a lady figure Michelle Wolf I haven't seen Michelle Wolf isn't this weird I'm like I texted her there maybe I don't know three times but I haven't seen her in a year like we're coming up in a year of all the COVID stuff crazy and you know I've seen you have a handful of times I guess and a few people but she was out in Ohio I'm like that was like one of my good friends I haven't seen her since 88 we used to see her every other night she was a booze bag and a fun hang in a

great comic and a big mop of red pubes and I saw her in Texas I don't know two months ago when I went and did the Joe Rogan program and all that and I've never seen her so emotional not emotional but you know she was like oh my god get it get over here like she was never touchy or feely or any of that and she was like you could see it in her eyes like I've been out on this bender for nine years with these blacks you know yuck it up on a farm like it's great to see it Jay feely but yeah I mean I think it is gonna be weird because I keep hearing these things it's interesting because I keep hearing these things of

like we haven't seen anybody we don't know what it's like to hug we haven't you know kissed on the lips since the 80s we haven't looked at anyone's eyes since you know Teen Wolf was in theaters but now this weekend I was with my family and there was about 48 of us and by the way to all the fucking fucks that are gonna text me and write whatever literally everyone in my family has been vaccinated they're all hospital people look at that but we feel impervious up there by the way I mean we talk about how the vaccine if we go at this rate it's gonna take seven years literally to get everybody blah blah blah which I think is a

little scare tactic II like take it easy there Ross Perot or whoever's in charge and I don't know I think we're doing pretty good if Deborah's got it Liz my mom's got it my fucking fat dad's got it it's getting around it's getting around and it's kind of like the the way COVID was but like reverse early on they're like does anybody actually know anybody that's had COVID and it took like months before yeah my my mailman's uncle has it right but the vaccine I know a shitload of people that have vaccine so same it is getting around and I probably shouldn't say this out loud but I'll just tell you and no one else a friend of ours a guy

we mutually know and you know like I did a show of them and he's like I got the vaccine I was like how'd you get it you're a fucking nobody comic and he was like oh well I just made an appointment and I went in and they gave it to me and I left yeah I heard I think I talked to the same guy and I got another guy who he's been like he's like one of these guys that's you know Jewish and knows how to work the system and and he's doing it like he's buying pearl jam tickets he's refreshing at midnight and he's got a wristband and he camped out but he's got an appointment and this guy's you know 43 year old you know bald guy with a beard

comic so he just figured it out and he's got it going on cuz he knows how to you know Google and Facebook or whatever these kids are doing yeah he's a he's a hacky hacker we should we should do that yeah I just have you know what it is I was just talking about this a moment ago it's the same thing we talk about I don't have it in me to look for the cheapest flight or the best most official way I just go I go okay I'll like the vaccine I look at like booking a train ticket I'm like just give me it when it's available give me the easiest thing I don't want to have to do anything yeah yeah I hear you I hear you I

see I kind of enjoy the wind you know I like to beat the system beat my wife the whole thing beat my meat but I I get it I'm with you I'm lazy in that way but when you really get in there and get that thing that you're not supposed to get and you pull it off it's kind of nice here's what I think am I crazy and I haven't been reading too much news and I'm sure other people bringing this up but we're vaccinating all the 85 year olds shouldn't we be vaccinating like 25 to 45 and I'm not just saying that cuz I'm in that group but don't we want to get back to normal yes the workforce go in the economy all that horseshit 85

year olds they they don't leave the house anyways they walk like their shoes are tied together they go pick up the mail they come back and they shit in their pants why are they getting vaccinated fuck them I completely agree and they sit in a rocking chair and say the n-word and read the funny pages what what are you contributing to society we're paying you social security and am ex or whatever the hell you cut NAACP whatever it is and we gotta live we gotta run the the cabs and the buildings and keep the lights on in this motherfucker and I said it before I'll queef it again once they're vaccinated

let us roam right to roam I mean I really do I'm like they should do it not by who's most likely to die they should do it who's most likely to spread the fucking thing around no offense to you personally just saying like they should be like okay this guy's worked 58 dates he does meet and greets vaccinate this son of a bitch because he's out here talking every Tom Dick harry and Glenn and you know these shut-ins they don't they can get it last they're they're sitting at home I look I agree but I think what spooked everybody was those those nursing homes they caught on fire with the the COVID they the spiking and

the Red Scare and all this shit and they all drop dead you know Cleetus and and Jemima and Uncle Ben they're all gone so I guess we had to step in yeah and the ones that didn't die they're like impervious to death they're like hard cores so they don't even need it yeah yeah good point good point all right well that's the COVID corner for the for the week yeah sure I mean but I do think I'm excited I'm but I'm really I'm willing to be patient I'll sit around here and wait whatever I'll take it whatever it it comes but yeah yeah coming my my mouth I'm ready for it I want both of them at once I'm excited I just want to

feel safe not think about it and then not think about giving it to someone or whatever because I still you know I'm a team player I try to play by the rules I wear the mask I fuck kids whatever it is but you just want a piece of mine yeah exactly I don't know I just yeah I just want to whatever feel good again I want to be back at the cellar in the basement and yes ripping and rapping but also I'm like I'm in Tampa next month five weeks now my buddy just sent me a my buddy canter his cousin lives in Tampa and they won the Super Bowl two nights ago one night ago really but they're all partners like a thousand people out in the

street shaking and dancing yeah and I'm like this is good for me I'm like spread it all around and then five weeks from now everyone will be immune I like it I like it I'm with you man I gotta tell you Tampa you're gonna have so much fun I mean you already love the club but it's just the you're not you don't realize it and I'm speaking for the what is it the collective you not just you you don't realize it but like you go down to Florida or Texas or wherever and you're like oh it's there's some life here like we've been in New York this whole time this city is dead this was the most vibrant energetic city city never sleeps

whatever the hell hobos Jews you name it and now you go down to Florida right when you're off the plane you're like oh oh I can feel it's in the air that they the fucking sunshine hits your cheek the air tastes great you get blown they put a lay on you you're gonna love it it's in the air all right but I feel like New York in the city I mean in the summer they had it we had it a little bit I mean the village was like packed and rockin and we were out everywhere and are we again we didn't even like people were like nervous about COVID we were under 1% for like four months testing good point good point park hangs and we

were all at Bear Burger the other one Shake Shack so we were popping for a while popping and locking locking in but I think we'll be back I think summertime in New York is gonna be rocking and rolling that's true and also not to throw gas on this dumpster fire of a year but have you heard of these articles does all these articles in the in the times in the post about these fucking New York nutjobs are going out to the suburbs you know everybody fleed the city and bought bought houses in Jersey and wherever Connecticut the neighbors hate them they're like you got to get these kooks out of here

they're too New Yorkie they're too like you know hustle and bustle and they're fucking annoying all the cul-de-sac cunts interesting so what are they're like bohemians or gays or not they just they just don't sleep they're playing music till four and they think it's a they think it's fucking Ditmar's Boulevard out there or Broadway and they got they got lights flashing they're drinking all day they smoke weed they're puffing smoke in the kids faces they poison their dogs they don't want those around I mean they just they're in they're out they hate them interesting yeah because I mean I guess I see it

because we thought about like we should move to New Jersey and and you know we fucking the ass till dawn every morning at least me and my nephew do yeah you run on your own sketch and you you every New Yorker just keeps out of each other's business but these guys they're all up in your taint you know they got a nose right up your your belly button and and they don't like this this this kinetic energy static too much yeah it's fucking you know Albanian guy moves in you never sleep no it's it's it's oft talked about and depicted in in the arts but the stuff that we hear and we don't even flinch I mean I'm watching

you know the Lost Boys and I just hear like a thud a thud and a squinch and a metallic squink and you don't even pause you just I mean the sirens back in April I was in Queens and it was just sirens around the clock and at no point was like honey should we look out the window or anything like that and I was just in my parents house and it was a snowstorm and like yellow lights go out to sand and everyone's like heads up there's a truck everyone everyone runs out we're looking out the window like a Rockwell painting and I'm like it's a fucking sander who gives a shit yeah yeah but that's how it is I mean my gals in the

next room she's yelling rape rape I'm like I just turned up the TV I'm like shut up you crazy kook I'm trying to watch the 90-day fiance yeah so it's a it's a special city it'll be back I'm getting people messaging me by the way being like are you moving to Austin I heard Yanis move to Austin honest Tim Dillon's going people are people are moving baby and by the way I have like this ego I'm like if I go to Austin it's not for Rogan my my wife's family lives there right so that's something so it by the way we're not moving to Austin it's not even on our list of fake places to move to so I

don't know but this this could be like historic here with this Austin move this is like when the movies went to Hollywood in the 30s dude I'm calling it right now I think I said it before Austin's the new Hollywood celebrities are moving there and Musk and Chappelle and Rogan and all these cooks are going there by the way fun to note that most of the guys moving are from New York Yannis is from Brooklyn Schultz is from Manhattan he went to Florida and Tim Dillon's from Long Island and he's going to Tejas wait Schultz moved to Florida I think he's he's down there now he's doing like let's do let's do the

winner in Florida interesting he's got the he's got the capital storm the capital to to you know drove drive door pop down and put up a studio and wear a fedora no kidding all right well I'm gonna be right here in the good old US of A same same when I'm not on the road I'll be here all right so what have you been up to I mean I haven't seen you since I guess last week I'm looking at my calendar I didn't take notes I don't know what the fuck I'm at I'm just looking at my calendar oh yeah that's a good way to do it well it's been a wild ride first of all I didn't get back to this I don't know how much I told you but I didn't get

back to the city till oh yeah we had to record me in Omaha because the snowstorm hit I was I was flying all over creation trying to get back to Manhattan and I got stuck in Dallas then I changed my flight to Philly last minute ran to the flight got on it landed in Philly then I was like I'll just take an Amtrak or a bus those are shut down because of the snow so I just slept at a friend's house in Philly I to call it was like the 80s I was like hey man yeah it's midnight I know it's late but I'm in Philly can I crash on your couch and he's like I don't know so I try another guy he's like let me see if I can find a guy he said yes I

get an Uber on the way he's like my wife doesn't want you to come it's COVID she's pregnant I'm like I get it I get it so now I I'm scrambling it was brutal wow this is all from because I think last we talked on the pod you were just in Omaha and it was like storming the next day the storm was coming and that felt like it felt like planes trains and automobiles you're like I'm coming home tomorrow and I was like I got news for you pal you ain't coming home because I was watching weather on the 8th or whatever yeah boy were you right the Omaha curse last year this happened to you where you got raped in the the

terminal 5 at Omaha for three days it was brutal I mean I stole Malcolm Gladwell's book out of spite and I missed a film project I was gonna be I had a part in a short film that ended up what you know nothing but still I missed it and so we both got almost a year to the day we got fucked in Omaha yeah yeah I hate the counting crows I hate Omaha the those fucking Nebraska and corn hunters I got to Philly I don't know what I was thinking you know you're at the airport you see you're looking at all the boards like Philly that's kind of northeast let's go and I jumped on and so I finally found a guy Eric man got to

give a shout out he's there did Park Norman and Park Roofman and an old mark or whatever it is and slept on his couch he's a mensch and the whole next day we used it to just shoot footage we made videos we laughed we had breakfast we we kissed and then that night I did a set at helium with on Shane Gillis's show oh nice yeah he he texted me about that I gotta go do that was it fun it was great I mean he's got a bunch of great fans and they're all animals and got a couple Tuesdays out there we sold it out and they all did drugs and I found a bolt bus at 12 30 at night I jumped on that motherfucker and I've been showered

in nine weeks get on the bolt bus there's two people on it's me and a fat Asian guy playing a casino game at full volume got to New York City at 2 45 in the morning went home and put the feet up God that is so old school and yes by the way New York City 2 45 in the morning in in February 2021 is is not what it was in 2019 that's a scary place you got that right fatty I mean it was like Grand Theft Auto there's barrel fires as a hobo walking like through the middle of the street you know and women screaming I heard a baby crying in a dumpster and just just getting home was just it's so eerie it's like taxi driver you know God

well I'm glad you made it home safe I'm glad you're not dead and I'm also glad that yes Tuesdays with stories is brought to you folks by Manscaped I gotta say it's Valentine's Day is coming up and I can tell you right now Manscaped is a great gift idea for all the ladygays for your man and also for the men for their partners or friends or whatever it is and we were talking about it I just went through and did a full excavation of my drawers and I'll tell you what drawers I kept my manscaped I love this landscape stuff I got a t-shirt I got underwear I got all kinds of great manscape stuff that they've sent us but

mostly what I love is the perfect package 3.0 the ultimate hygiene package for your package the centerpiece is the lawnmower 3.0 trimmer features advanced skin safe technology with a ceramic blade to reduce grooming mishaps I love the word mishap because it looks like it's to be mishap but it's not it's mishap good plan great name for a drag queen mishap oh I like that accidentally became a lady whatever anyways you can also get the crop preserver ball deodorant and crop reviver ball toner whoa ice the toners they have everything you need to keep your balls from sweating smelling and sticking tell

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peasy you know you stress a call a doctor make a phone call I gotta talk to anybody they do it so smoothly so easy it's they're the best in the biz they do all the hard work for you special offer just for the gays visit Blutue.com and get your first shipment free when you use your promo code Tuesdays just pay $5 in shipping that is a steal again that's bluechew.com promo code Tuesdays to try it free get some confidence where it counts people get Blutue today. Oh that's exciting boy it is I gotta say it's just nice to talk to you I keep bringing up the family who I love and it's great and fun but to get

back get loose even a day and a half away from home I think that's part of all the staying in with COVID it makes you miss your home more I'm very comfy here I've sunk my asshole into some teeth and I just I can't wait to get home I love being home and it's great to great to see you and chat a little you too for I want to hear about the family but let me just say this speaking of family you ever have this this is gonna get a little sappy and and clappy but I'm watching the John Belushi doc it's like two in the morning I can't sleep the the lights are out it's just the shine of the TV on me I'm in my underwear I got a

hand on one ball another butt plug in my ass and I'm tearing up I'm watching this guy it's all about I don't know if you've seen it I've watched it they show all these old poems and all this kind of photos of John Belushi this Albanian kid in the middle of suburbs of Chicago just lost what do you call it what do you call in your outcast he's a weirdo he's he's sensitive but he's funny but he's nuts and different and it's the four of the fifties of the sixties so it's like you got to be in a button down tucked in with nice shoes and short hair and he's weird and he's different and he's he goes into his diary and you're

just tearing up and you're like I've been there I know what that's like and then his dad is from Albania and back in those days you couldn't be an immigrant it was just weird nobody liked it so he'd never spoke so his dad was this weird Albanian guy whenever he spoke he was embarrassed ah you know he had the thick accent he's a hairy knuckled fucking diner monkey in the to quote Kurt Metzger he wants he wants the kid to work in the diner he doesn't want to do it he wants to be a star he wants to be in comedy and he has to break away and I'm tearing up but it made me realize like how disconnected I am with my family so

I got on my phone I emailed my my friend Jason who films a bunch of shit you know Jason Katz he shot your special oh yeah now I know yeah so I text him or email him and I go do me a favor my parents are old they're gonna die at some point I'm never gonna meet them can you call them tomorrow and set up an interview interview them about me and then just put it away till they die and I'll watch it interesting so he did he said yeah sure I get it and he he emailed him the next day they said yes and that's that's gonna happen wow that's gonna be something I can't wait for your parents to die I know I'm gonna watch it

with one eye open like oh god they're gonna be mean and insulting even beyond the grave wow I can't wait I mean that is really interesting although I have to say this feels like a good step but you might want to have that dialogue while you're alive and they're alive I mean that sounds it sounds like your idea of growth but you should go with like Alan's idea of growth you're right you're right yes you're like I picked up the phone I got excited and then you call Jason Katz I mean call a cousin at least a nephew someone adjacent no offense to Jason Katz he did a great job my special evidently I never heard of the guy but I

mean you might want to you got to talk to these parents yeah I know you're right you're right well maybe maybe this will open the door a little bit and I can wedge a shoe in and kick it open the rest of the way yeah I hear you man what we should do is what if we did this we we each talk to the others parents then we cut the bike in half I mean because I'm in the same the same boat here and I do it every time I see my parents all the time I go up there every fucking six hours yeah every time I'm in the car with two hands on the wheel going this is it I'm gonna really you know kiss them on the lips and ask them why they hate me

but same I get there and I just end up asking them about you know the weather night football and yeah and then and then it's over and I come back and I'm shaking and I cry to my wife and then you know I have to put on her panties to escape yes it's the same shit because they make it so hard there fatty why did how do they do it you see it when you just cave everything crumbles on the inside you got zero confidence you turn into that five-year-old bedwetting queef all over again and I just can't pull it out of me yeah it's very difficult well this leads us well into this this thing I gotta read you some

of these things I mean oh there's not gonna be there's not gonna be an assist there's not gonna be a dry asshole in the house when I get through with you here I'm sitting on a towel all right so my mother I went to see this guy Al ironically we go to Alan this guy's name was Al big Al seven years old and I was all fucked up I never spoke I was completely silent and angry and just a lunatic as a seven-year-old interesting and so I went and got analyzed by you know some pedophile and here are the note like he talked to my mother and then she wrote this back to him or like took jotted down notes hold on I'm nervous

here wait give me a minute this is huge all right go I'm ready it's crazy okay so one thing that the first thing that pops out here often asks about cancer AIDS and graves seven and I'm asking my parents I'm like do I have AIDS do you have AIDS you know why am I gay you know is magic Johnson okay this is pre-magic by the way this is 89 I don't even know about AIDS I was obsessed with AIDS because I think I think that might be when Ryan White got it I can't I don't know I've looked at my Ryan White dates you don't know Ryan White he was huge gay guy he was he was it's weird because I feel like we're so close in age but maybe

like that one year because he was like the big guy he got AIDS from a transfusion and Elton John sang to me he was like spike he was like hot he was like a hot piece of ass but I didn't know his name but I remember that and then Philadelphia came out Philadelphia was big that was a little that was post magic what about Lou Gaines oh yeah I forgot about Lou Gaines he was Mario Lopez I think or vice versa yes so it says okay oh ironically the notes are from Sarah's birthday so my current wife I saw him on April 17th which is her birthday so this is on my wife's 11th birthday I'm getting analyzed fun and it

says Joseph appears to have a good number of phobias I mean this is my the last of my formative years yet you got seven years to form and here I am and everything in here is me now this is pretty impressive by the way that you knew you were very aware of the world around you know when I was seven it was chocolate you know cartoons and candy well I was afraid of these things but listen to this he is very immature and needs to be given some responsibility and have some limits set so I think I was just like running rampant over there and jerk it off all over my mother's tits listen to this one he needs quality time

with his father and a lot of boy things should be done together whoa well that's that that one she got right or I think I mean quality time I found that's still what I'm longing for of course yes interesting this is a good Al's good and boy things to do together so I think they wanted us to go fuck some bitches together yeah well by the way this is all problematic now boy thing well we got gender roles this is all ruined now yeah and then it says we need to spend time building his confidence and helping him to mature and hold on where was little league and all this they should have thrown you on on the field I was

already in t-ball and little league well I was seven so yeah I would have been playing base I started playing baseball in those days but you know it's t-balls not anything really you're just sitting there swinging around touching your own dick sure hold on often asked his anger comes out in his drawings Joe is a very angry boy so I had all this anger pimped up even as a child wow then he tells all he talks about a guy named Justin and he hasn't been mentioned for a while we really don't think he exists I don't know I know who Justin is I had some guy named Justin and all he locked it out she said all his stories are very sad they

often do with death drugs and divorce so I was like seven walking around talking about death drugs divorce AIDS cancer wow you're like an alt comic it says he won't talk to us even if we specify something that could be wrong example allergy shots no one likes shots but he won't even say the words crazy and then unbelievable it's wild hold on let me see what this word is oh he denies doing something even if we watched him do it I'll be like I didn't do that fuck you that wasn't me and then he always leaves the closet door open he checks behind the shower curtain every time he goes into the bathroom he won't eat anything he'll

cry if we try to make him eat something still there still have it and we have spoken with his teacher she said he seems to be fine at school he volunteers he's bright and has no problems learning he does tend to be talkative though although he insists he never talks in class wow this so you are a bit of a liar but blows my mind so I guess I would just I think I didn't want to deal with the responsibilities I was like nah I wasn't talking fuck you and the teachers like he's very talking to him like nah I never talked you know what you're talking about I was a big denier yes it was all all denying and I think I

didn't know how to broach a topic so I made up this kid Justin like I didn't want to be like hey what's divorce all about so instead I would be like hey this guy Justin his parents got divorced that's crazy yes interesting it's almost like an auto and George thing you had to create a character to bounce off of well it's funny you say that because I just bought a mannequin and I'm gonna start doing that no not a mannequin I fucked up the word what's it called puppet a puppet is that right isn't there another thing what's the guy called a ventriloquist and trillism yeah wow I mean I've never loved you more this is

touching this is eerie this is wild and we'll be doing that and the Disney photos I'm like a tragic figure I'm looking I'm like I just want to go back and blow seven-year-old me take me behind the Mickey Mouse ears and suck me off because I don't know what I was all fucked up wow man and for all the people go Joe he's it's an act he's not that scared he's a fine little kid he's got a you know glasses and a forehead it's all a shtick that ain't no shtick that's deep in the shag if it's a shtick I wrote it when I was six but it's it's crazy to think about that that much can go wrong go haywire between you're

born everyone's like whoo he's a baby you have no brain yet or whatever and then within seven years I'm afraid of AIDS and cancer another thing said we should stop talking about our fears as to give him more to worry about wow man well I don't know you read the Woody Allen doc or biography but I talked by the same thing he said he was the happy-go-lucky kid then he hit I don't know 12 and he just turned on a dime because he learned about death and he's like this is it we're gonna die what's the point and he just couldn't even couldn't even get up it in the morning he was so miserable yeah I think I got that early I mean the

line he used that I love he's like once I found out that the game was real I was like deal me out which I felt I was like I don't even want to play I don't and I felt exactly that way but younger I think when I was four I was like we all die and then you're just dead forever and not interested fuck off but obviously to no fault of my parents because they were 20 or whatever and they maybe they were both gay or whatever they whatever it is but obviously within a year or two or three years I felt different or not seen or heard to use the buzz terms yes and I was miserable and terrified of all these diseases which I've only gotten

over like the last year yeah you I mean you come along gay you're doing real good compared to how you used to be here you're doing great yeah it's pretty I don't know so I gotta I want to you know kiss Alan on the lips and therapy and sobriety and meditation and all these gay things but it felt good because you're like oh it's it's none of it's my fault I was like this when I was a kid because when you're 35 and you're afraid of AIDS and you don't want to eat a sandwich you're like ah something's wrong with me I'm a cunt of a piece of shit but then when you see it was like a six-year-old you know a six-year-old doesn't have a

choice it's not like I'm deciding to be sad you're just sad you were created this way I gotta say this is gonna maybe be harsh but I think Steve first of all he should have been you know wiping your ass when you were little but after that little chat with the with the Al guy and we got the results he should have kicked it up a notch like he's that's when he's got to step in and go alright I need to do a little more I'm slacking here my son's going gay on me squirrely and weird he's scared of the fucking thunderstorms I gotta hug this kid and throw the ball with him and he still didn't so I'm blaming Steve well I have

to say this we played catch all the time with two stocks games a year but I think and I love the guy and it's not his father's how he was raised so but there's more to it than that you can't just play the catch you gotta be like that was a great throw sunny boy and and and more than that even I think it's more like what's going on how come you're there how come you're sad why are you scared of AIDS don't worry about AIDS AIDS is for the gays you're never gonna get it you're cool or whatever whatever it is cancer you know you don't smoke that much so it's more than that it's I guess the feeling of of loves and hugs

or whatever it is but yeah we were playing catch he was there and then I think about these people whose parents are divorced or whose father you know steps on his balls when he's a kid and and all these people that are homeless or you know their mother smokes crack and blows it in their asshole I don't know how those people are even functioning yeah yeah here here so true I mean I guess in some sense when you're looking at the sad scale we got it we got it good compared to that shit I suppose so but yeah and then like I said between those notes and those Disney photos it made me feel all kinds of feelings I'm still

dealing with it don't want to bring it up too much on a comedy podcast but boy there's a lot there but it does make you think like this isn't my fault yeah and the words of Robin Williams and Goodwill hunting this isn't your fault don't fuck with me shot and then he cuts him off right as he says thank you just so frustrating yeah yeah yeah you know new new new writers big flaw in the movie but I gotta say this Tuesday's Mysteries is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum I need a cigarette the company was founded by Caltech scientist former smokers who want to help other people quit they set out to create a better and cleaner

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pomegranate I just pop it when I need to pick me up and nicotine not bad for you just the cigarette part they're supporting this show so go to support them get 20% off all your products including gum and lozange at Lucy dot co with code Tuesdays plural that's 20% off Lucy dot co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout warning this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but you already knew that so get 20% off at Lucy dot co with code Tuesdays hey look you got to finish something and accomplish something during this pandemic might as well quit

smoking quit baby wow that is riveting stuff I mean thank God mom saved all that shit she could have thrown that out with the bathwater but good for her that's a good mom yeah she kept it so yeah I don't know it's all it's all undoing you know and but you do feel like like I said earlier yeah I'm sitting in that bedroom reading that and thinking you know I got on tonight's show I got on Letterman I live in New York I got a wife that likes me I think we got a hit podcast here I've had sex with a whole bunch of women I've been to I think 28 countries or so so I've been to war yes or I didn't fight of course but you know

so you overcome and you do all the shit and so I feel good about that yeah okay but also you read that by the way you're like it's no wonder I was fucking drinking and shitting and shoes and getting herpes I was a fucking lunatic of course of course and I hate to say it but I hear that stuff and I just feel like I feel connected more to you because I was such a wacky kid and all my shit came out in bed wedding and all that like I kind of processed it differently and you actually had the fears and vocalized them I just like you know it fucked my own ass at night and do weird shit yeah and also what's crazy like I said

earlier about the formative years I carried those fear of disease up until you know a year ago and funny cuz COVID was the first one that I was like no more this I'm putting my foot down I'm not worrying about this horseshit and then the whole world shut down yeah but I mean I said it before I'll quit it again you do it great you're so much better even from when I knew you what is that 40 years ago when we first met to now you're you're you went from Woody Allen to Fonzie so that's a big jump I'm not funny anymore wow yeah you had a couple Henry Winkler has a couple singers he's good and scream I enjoyed that oh yeah

forgot about that I never watched Happy Days I'm sure it's fantastic yeah it's alright it's a sitcom but yeah yeah you come a long way I think I think we both have a lot of therapy a lot of listening and a lot of understanding and a lot of just facing shit he's got to face it face it confront assert you know I don't know I don't know what else my dad was such a we said that might wait so funny we're so similar my dad was distant in different ways like I remember one time me and my brother were talking and my brother was freaking out and my brother's like I heard there was a guy in the neighborhood who's you know our

neighbor was fucking terrifying and we lived in a flop house basically and he's like I heard there's a guy in the neighborhood I read a newspaper my brother was like a little whiz kid and he's like I read a newspaper there's a guy walking around killing people and I heard something at the window I'm nervous and my dad goes well if he's gonna kill he's gonna kill us so might as well not worry about it now I remember being like that's it that's the advice you fucking chuch that's all you got he's gonna kill us yeah that I mean that first part is helpful if there's a bunch of other stuff along with it what

do you think if you're like well it's not don't worry about it because whatever happens you know there's wisdom in that you can't really control anything so it's not worth worrying worry doesn't really take away tomorrow's problems it takes away today's asshole or whatever so there's something in that sentiment that could be valuable but you need like another 20 minutes of dialogue there you need like don't worry we got locks on the windows it's unlikely that anyone's gonna break in but even if they wanted to break in wish they don't son don't piss on the bed tonight we got double locks the police are here mom and dad are

awake we won't let anything happen to you we're gonna be having a threesome all night with your younger brother and and whatever and also you know there can be more dialogue we love you no matter what happens blah blah blah there could be a lot there yeah yeah it'd be nice it'd be nice but he was he was a stoic cunt and had quite a temper but let me let me try to lighten the load a little bit here because this is some heavy-duty laundry please so yeah I went to New Orleans saw the family it's so crazy and I don't want to get more into time and family and and life and death but I show up in New Orleans by the way flights are getting to

be a nightmare I'm connecting everywhere I'm going to fucking Utah to go back to New Orleans it's a whole rig of my role but and the prices have gone up again it ain't $20 tickets anymore by the way I know everyone wants to get back to the normal life but normal life was a nightmare yeah well you know at least we could hug but yeah I hear you hug you all right well I want to prove it come by I got 18 stacks of cheesecake factory cards for you oh Jesus I need a cheese I'm going to Florida where I think you can make your own cheesecake in the kitchen they don't even give a shit yeah yeah so take these cards I got all kinds

of Uber or whatever you name it take my wife please yeah so go down to New Orleans and it's my mom's birthday she's 71 she's still still clicking I mean everything's working she's a finely lubed vagina and we go hey we're gonna go out deal with my brother so my brother's got a wife and two kids and there's a whole life going on down there I'm up here in New York detached and you get down there we all go out to dinner my brother shows up he's got two kids they run in Nana they hug my mom she's grandma now they hug my dad and they go hey weirdo you're that weird uncle who's selfish and wanted to pursue the arts you

know but 20 minutes in they they loosen up and it's just so fat these kids are growing they're becoming a person with a personality and they're getting bigger every time I see him and my brother's a dad and he's got we've got him in a headlock and a noogie and all that it's it's wild just thinking going from wedding to bed with the murder outside to your dad saying kill yourself and then cut to comedy podcast TV all the things we've done then you go back you're like man so much has happened while I've been gone yeah it's it's the weirdest thing cuz it gives you this window into what your life would be like yes interesting

and with children you really see the passage of time you know you see your mom she's old she's fat not much has changed she just gets a little older and fatter but with the kids you're like oh you went from a baby shitting himself to talking to walking to now in school to having a friend to fingering it just keeps going so you see the real shift with the children yeah it's the strangest thing ever and it becomes really sad because I know I've said it before but you're like you gotta make sure you keep up those visits cuz otherwise they're a completely different person you don't even mean anything to

them yeah it's so true it's so true yeah so I try to get in there and they beat the shit out of these kids love kids love to hit me and I'll take it you know at least it's contact at least they're having fun I'll take the abuse just for the hang but boy they beat the bag out of me and yeah then you know they go home and I don't see them again for six months but here's the clinker went out to laugh yet you know the the great Jason Leonard in the hotel yeah yeah I had a retard heckle me there oh yeah yeah which is very rare I don't know why you had that I don't know what's going on but maybe that was Justin coming back to

haunt you but we sold out a bunch of shows we high-five do we got a room in the hotel we did it up and we had we had like Cajun food every day and got drunk every night on whiskey and it was just a magical time it's the first place I ever did comedy was Lafayette and to come back and sell some shows and have people know who you are and Tuesdays and Chipotle shirts and comedy and all that it's just it's a beautiful thing and then you drive back and you see the family again you hug and just a just a great great old time and I I gotta tell you going down to Louisiana you're driving in that sunshine and it's just free and open and

I know I make fun of it it's Cajun country it's coon asses it's rednecks and you know Gators but man I'm proud of my home state and all that shit and it all it all comes back out of you and boy it was nice to get home yeah it's fine we were both home we both have these introspective yes journeys I guess but I can't wait to get into some sun I looked it up Key West is 81 degrees I'm there this weekend and I can't wait to have a cigar sit outside take in some vitamin diesel and I'm very excited to go I'm at comedy Key West all weekend with nothing better than just see your old old pal your ball and chain your partner in crime

your number one your ace I haven't seen Tom in two years oh my god and that's gonna be great you're gonna have flip flops on and a cigar in your mouth your feet are gonna be up on a jet ski and I hear the the show's there are bananas so you're gonna be doing it up yeah I'm excited I heard it's an all-new room and all that stuff and what's nice about fly I know if Florida is dangerous no one takes it serious but the COVID but you can also be outside a hundred percent of the time good point good point so that seems safe and nice so I'm gonna stick a bunch of cigars in my ass and really soak up the rays I can't wait yeah all right

let me tell you about this this flight action and then I'll get out of your hair sure all right go to the parents up my parents are in a breaking bed now thank God because it gives you something to watch and talk about you know otherwise it just you know you're staring at pictures of me naked and they're going look how little your dick was you know so here's the clinker I got a flight out of New Orleans today Monday at 6 a.m. now my parents live kind of in the Whitman mass of New Orleans like whatever Boston is and to Whitman is where my parents live to New Orleans sure they got old they moved out of the

city and so it's a good hour to the airport so that means my mom wants me to get up she woke me up at 3 30 in the morning we left the house at 4 we got to the airport at 5 3 30 of the morning there fatty I mean do you know what that does to a psyche I do it's horrible it's what's it's similar and there's studies about this that lack of sleep waking up at the wrong time whatever it's equivalent to drinking it's like having it's like you had 14 beers in the middle of the afternoon then stop that's the feeling you have you're hung over yeah yeah you feel you're actually ill feeling you know you wake up you're hung

over you kiss your mom you're still drunk you don't know what's going on so we get in the car my mom is the slowest driver on the planet I mean she's 71 so she's just like ten and two giant coke bottle red glasses gray hair crocs on and people is whizzing by and I'm looking at the dash it says 22 miles an hour and I'm like we're at a 40 we're on a 40 lane get the fucking move on but I could have gotten there in a half hour we took an hour and we finally get there now I got a connection from New Orleans in the Atlanta and then I get I get to Atlanta at 8 a.m. and that the flight's not till noon so I don't get back to New York till

1 30 145 so of course I'm looking at the board I'm like I can get back before that what the hell is this shit I find one going to Newark at 9 so I'll get there at 11 a.m. those that two hours is a game changer for me that'll save my whole life so I run to the desk front desk it's some old guy he didn't give a shit it's it's like you were saying earlier they don't care about your problems and I go are there any seats left can I switch to this flight and he goes are you gold and I go I used to be but COVID hit it did wipe my ass clean and he goes well it's gonna be 75 bucks just for standby geez now what do you

think is that worth it for two hours I've never flown standby my life I've only heard a million bits and shit about how standby the way there you stand there saying bye which is not a great bit but I heard all these nightmares about standby it's the worst thing of all time so I've never really done it honestly well if you don't get on the flight they don't charge you obviously but I figure hey what the hell so I go look man I used to be gold I fly every weekend I love Delta I'm gay for Delta and he's like yeah what do you what do you want me to do here I'm telling you what the the protocol is and I go I walk away

defeated I go I guess I'm getting home at 2 o'clock fuck it whatever and then I go you know let me call let me call Delta just to throw it out there I call I get some nice fat lady in Utah she's like oh it's gonna be $75 I'm like look you fat whore I'm down and out I'm on two hours of sleep my mom woke me up at 3 30 the morning she drives like an old bat out of hell actually out of heaven because it's slow you gotta help me out and she goes alright fuck it here you're on standby and I got on the flight hell yeah I stand standby and COVID has to work out I how many people are standing by right yeah good point good point I

mean if you look at the whole flight everybody had their own row they had their own I had to sit next to some lady she was furious because I think she knew like hey what the hell I got the one guy sitting next to me but suck it sister I'm getting a new work two hours earlier you can handle it yeah fuck her I hope she's dead now yeah she was actually kind of hot but either way we made it and I came home I took a nap how do you feel about this and I'll get get out of your hair here when you come home tired exhausted and wiped do you feel like you're letting your lady down a little bit hmm no I don't think so maybe a

little bit I I guess so a little bit but I also am like I'm pooped what do you want me to do I mean like you only have the energy you have so yeah I guess it depends on her reaction I mean if she's like oh I thought we'd go out and do this and that then I feel like I'm letting her down but otherwise I feel like I'm just regular hey whatever but I feel like I'm a guy that gets home exhausted travel takes it out of me yeah I hate the fucking waiting I hate every single person I mean like you can see from my drawings that I am I got anger problems I hate everyone putting their fucking things over the thing slowly and getting

off slowly and waiting for the fucking cab New York is a goddamn nightmare the cab smells it's all traffic it takes you an hour to get home so when I get home I'm never like I'm home I love you I'm always like oh fucking shoot me and you need like a pad between yes the arriving home in the greeting sometimes it's ideal to me if I get home and she's out riding fences it comes home like an hour later so I have that decompress I can shower I can whatever read a book and then she gets home then I can give the proper energy that's the best cuz it's tough she's like I can't wait to see him like I can't wait to see you too but

then the next day rolls around and you're on two hours of sleep six connections and a Cinnabon so it's a little lackluster I show up she's like whoa what are we doing I'm like I got it I got a shit blood for a bit it and sit out and take a nap not to mention you've been on airplane mode for an hour it's a Monday so then you have 48 emails 37 texts a couple tweets and you know a nude from your niece I love a niece nude there's a title and yeah that's gonna do it all right we got another episode coming out so we got to save a little bit of juice yeah next week's gonna be a wacky one folks it's gonna be old school

we used to do two in a day for years well tomorrow or next week so I don't want to give it away but I want to hear about this Ari trip because I know that's gonna be a big nugget in your asshole that I can't wait to watch you squirm over well that'll be next next week ah next week I'll have literally zero things to say on the podcast but we'll figure it out we always do we always do we'll digress and we'll undress thank you all right that'll do it well thanks folks we love you get on the patreon it's cooking tea public I see all these shirts out there on the road people are loving them and you got a pod I got a pod

you got a special I got a special help the family help the gaze connect with each other we're gonna Facebook page where all the gaze are coming together in high-fiving so get on board folks yeah do it suck your father's dick and eat your mama on a Wednesday here here praise Allah thank you