Tuesdays with Stories! - #388 Nothing Nugget

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

It's a mish mosh of stories this week including the best days of clubs that have closed during COVID, running into big name comics when they were younger, getting their first TV gigs, and more. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays), Lucy (lucy.co code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to another edition of Tuesdays with stories mark couldn't make it this week I am here with the one and only Wally Joiner the former California Angels outfielder that came into my head great

that's good you're letting weird things in let it go let the put the filter down get get kooky you know what it is this is what the other day we were talking about something and somehow I came up with Pete Enkin Velia who is a baseball player of no note whatsoever and two people were like hey man I have Pete Enkin Velia heard that that was crazy and so now like I just want to get three people to be like whoa man I haven't heard that name since 89 how does that two things how does that fit on a jersey pit to Belia I mean that's 17 vows there the longest name last name in the history of Major League Baseball

belonged to a Boston Red Sox player named Jared Salta Lemakia it was like no white guy regular old white guy and it was size fourth print or whatever font I mean and it wrapped from ass cheek to ass cheek it'd be funny if he put a red squiggle under it like in a like a word you know just as a goof like this is misspelled I'm aware that it's a silly word have you ever see something typed out on a piece of paper and it's underlined and you think you can like click on it yes yes that's the kookiest thing that's that technology creep it into our taints I mean it's like you see those two-year-olds now they're they're

sliding pictures on a magazine to try to get it to move yeah I tried doing a bit like this I cuz I had three and they all eat it they all eat shit the all the versions of my bit but one was you know my mother hands me a picture of my grandmother from the 40s and I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to zoom in on her tits and I'm just smearing spaghetti sauce all over a vintage photo that's funny I think it's funny it never works I guess cuz I'm talking about my grandmother's tits and that's what that's what I liked but that's the humor if you ask me I mean I am asking you and I appreciate it and then the other one

I did and this one has eaten it but I mean just gets zero not a tee nothing but one time I was looking at like a field and I tried to screenshot my like vision like I was like I thought I could like snap a photo of what I was looking at by like blinking yeah that'd be boy that'd be a treat if you could do that I would remember every gash and and mashed potato ever you ever had the best meal the best view I'm in the Amalfi Coast thank God for photographs gash potato but yeah I mean bangers and gash what was the third one oh fuck oh about this happens to me a lot where I'm writing in a notebook well not that much but I'm writing in a

notebook and I know I'm spelling a word wrong and I wait for it to be corrected yeah like I'm like this will just auto-crep but it doesn't because it's a notebook and I'm retired and I've mentioned all three of these on stage and everyone thinks I'm a big gay pony well here's the clinker I think I think these are all I think they all got legs unlike you know Osterpistorius and I think it's just a head of your tube you're too far ahead you're talking to some welder in Syracuse he's like grandma's tits what is this you know I think you're too you're too how do your time there fatty oh

maybe that's a good point no one's caught up to my psychosis yet yes yes and they will and you'll go you'll have the last laugh but the problem is that's the that's the shooting about art is you got to wait for the mainstream McDonald's eatin layman to catch up to your cunt yeah that's a good point these are these are interesting points because you know you sometimes you think you're like this is gonna be a great bit but that's the strange thing about comedy a lot is you think everyone probably thinks this and it's gonna hit and then you realize like oh I guess nobody else is thinking that which I have an example of that which

became a bit on its own about where you know what time I did a bit I was like don't you hate when you wake up and you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and like you have like you just want to kill yourself you have this feeling of wanting to kill die yeah and the crowd was like what and I was like oh shit I guess I got a mental problem yeah well people didn't relate to that oh yeah that's a good point but I think that's why podcasting is so popular because basically an audience kind of sculpts your act you can bring them to certain places but if it doesn't work you ultimately drop it usually if you're a

good comic and so the audience is basically sculpting your act and with a pocket you're just going and you're not waiting for that laugh every two seconds so you can kind of go further places yeah exactly good point it's just it's enough to be I mean we try to be funny I think we're being funny I think we're hilarious but it does feel like on podcasts it's enough to be interesting and it's comedy it's not although there is a new faction of people in where you're trying to move for God's sakes where they think just saying things is enough yeah but but that is the art of it though I mean you have to get the

laugh you have to kill so it's limited art but it's still it's still a hard thing to do so thank God we have both because we can be interesting and maybe a little poignant and gay and not murder but on stage we get to murder so it's good to have both I like both I like a lot of different things I mean and we've talked about this before I like a story I like a pun I like a twist a misdirection I like filthy I like clean I like racial offensive anal yeah I'm with you yeah all the genres a couple sketches I like this like forever that I've enjoyed one improv scene was good I used to go to ask cats you ever go to

ask cat back in the day what my you know Paul Oda my roommate he lived with his girlfriend the time was Emily Tarver who worked at UCB and she would reserve us seats like front center seats because that was like the hottest ticket in town ask at if you're not familiar that was an improv show and it was asked with like four S's and it was like Tina Fey there I saw Horatio Sanz there I saw the all the Amy Polars yeah Horatio Sanz would be low I never got to see Polar or Tina Fey but Chris Gethard was always there and Rob Riggle and to me those two like stole the show I thought Chris Gethard was like a genius I was like this guy is

unbelievable and he's a funny stand-up obviously but yeah when he was doing a improv I was like who the fuck is this guy like he was unbelievable in every scene and that that improv was like as good as it get like great improv is like mind-blowing the problem is similar to stand-up like 98% of it is pretty much dog shit and I think it's a similar ratio with stand-up I completely agree the only the only cool thing about stand-up though is you can bottle it and then I feel like improv you can't really film it you can but it ain't the same it's when you're in that room and they're being on and it's clicking there's nothing there's

nothing like it same with stand-up but stand-up at least you can hone it and then put it out on HBO yes exactly there was the other who's the woman I think she's like in charge over there now fuck ah she's amazing but I can't remember her name now Shannon Shannon O'Neill oh I think that's her name I think it's Shannon O'Neill I think she like became like she'd like ran UCB uh-huh is you see me completely gone now I think it is man that that place was magical never running like you do whiplash it was a big deal like back in the day when it was sold out every night it started at 11 p.m. on Monday you run

down those stairs it was jammed there was people on the walls and you were on the floor telling jokes in the darkness oh I love that you see I love that room how did whiplash come apart and it was always still good but it became like pretty packed 80% full but when we were at whippersnappers which I'm so old now I was like I'm talking about when I was like 33 but when we were the ten years ago or whatever it was seven years ago six years or whatever it was that place there'd be people sitting on the stage and then standing like against the wall and then when a few years I don't know what happened it kind of was still a

hot show but not I guess it was what's his name was the host Leo Ted Leo and the pharmacist what's his name oh Leo Allen Leo Allen yeah I don't know if it was when he left or what but that was part of it if you got to see that show or be part of whiplash in like I guess I don't know when it started but like mid 2000s to 2012 it was really something to behold you saw I mean it was first of all it was hip it was like underground it was like almost speakeasy like word of mouth bullshit but then you get your Gaffkin popping in you get your Louis popping in you got your Aziz your Hannibal's your Malayne's all popping in

when they were like cooking those guys were bubbling up about the blow and we were on the ground floor you got to see it and if we were lucky we could go first or second but though that was the draw and I think TJ Miller would jump in there and drink a pint of paint thinner and piss on the front row and everybody went nuts you know it was it felt a little less cell phony and a little less it felt like some some kooky shit could happen here and it was a little dangerous and unpredictable and I think once it lost that people stopped going they're like that's 11 p.m. I'm gay I'm old I'm going home hey cell phony that's a fun

term oh phony is in there cell phony coin it that's a shirt deep public a little cell phony but there's been let's talk about the shows that have been like that's a scene a show yes because I think of I think of cabin as one too here in New York that's no longer there true and whiplash like when you about booked on whiplash it felt like doing a TV set you're like oh my god I got to do whiplash tonight you'd be nervous you'd shit in your pants a couple times yeah and I mean it was hot crowds and cabin was like that too it was Thursday nights at 10 or 9 I think it was 9 but started 9 late yeah and that was in the East Village in

that bar no one's ever bought it it's still there but that was another one where like everybody would be like it was like the scene in Goodfellas with you know Mickey eyes and all that and Mikey franchisee like you'd walk through and it was just every single seat was taken by the comics it was so fun and then the room was just slammed like you couldn't get in if you were up next to be in the back against that door and then someone would open it and you'd fall out of the door and yeah curtain in that crazy drunk guy that sat up front and then in the middle you said a guy would walk back with six cases of beer right past you

yes wow those were those were wild time every photo if you're a super fan or a super super fa I caught myself there but every photo of us arm and arm headlock droopy eye drooling shit stains that's cabin everyone I'm in I'm in a white shirt you got a hoodie on sodas hanging on the scaffolding and you know Louis cats is eating my ass and Vita's blowing you and that's cabin every one of those if you've seen those on Instagram that's all cabin I think Vita was only there once but yeah I mean it was unbelievable and there till Sunup several times Tommy John again almost got in a fist fight with the bartender one time to be mean

and I spent all my money I didn't have there because yeah it was like a credit card minute of course I had no cash and I didn't have any money and it was like a credit card minimum but you'd have those drinks and you'd be like everyone get a shot on me you're just trying to you know somehow get Sean Patton to like you so you're like to have three shots you fuck yes and they must have cleaned up all those bar down we spent thousands in there or somebody did you know Michael Che would be in there buying drinks I remember we watched Mike Lawrence's Conan set after I did Conan I got a text we're at cabin watching it like that's

how big cabin was that you knew where your friends were when they watched it that's it was special I remember one I've won a great memory of me Matt Wayne George Gordon and Cantor were all at the bar in the area of the bar and night they drove old Dixie down by the band was on and we all knew everywhere and slowly we all just started singing along and we had like an arm and arm like sing along to the song and it was still like one of the great moments of my comedy career yeah and I love those guys and that's it that's the end of the story but it was just special I could close my eyes or actually I can leave my eyes open and I

can just I can see it all I love that place love that play it was gritty was there was those remember that bathroom was that bathroom you could get AIDS from looking at it I mean there was puke everywhere and there's a tampon coming off the wall and shit stains I had a few a few gals in there I mean that was a wild wild ride I hated that bathroom because there was no lock and everyone's well I'd be nervous because I drank 48 PBRs and ate three hot dogs and then I had to do a set and like you know the nerves are brewing Todd Barry's back there so I got to take a shit the size of my mother's legs and the door would

just open and you just couldn't you'd have to try to like keep a foot on the door and it was far away and and also like on the mirror it just said you suck you're a Nazi whatever so it was it was a crazy kooky time but god I got some yeah I got some great photos from there on Facebook and shit ah dude I remember one time my Sean Sean Patton was his show basically but he would show up late and then headline it he'd literally do like 45 minutes and it would murder that was like his kingdom and I remember one time Jim Gaffigan showed up I look over I see Jim Gaffigan juzzle neck and Hannibal talking I'm like what the fuck

is oh my god look at these fucking legends you know Hannibal's like a year older than me and my friend Zach had to go on he was trembling he went on and then Gaffigan just walked on stage after him and grabbed them they'd like a past the mic and Sean Patton looks at my friend Zach he goes tell me this ain't the city where dreams come true baby and we were like we all fucking made out it was it was pretty sad and gay but it was awesome well this is the this is the thing I miss most was COVID is you know the road I've done a couple gigs here and there and you've been working the road a bit but that is fun and exciting

because you build your act and you got fans and that's all fun but the city stuff like I said a couple weeks ago I got to do the VU and that feeling of being in the back with like six comics not the local MC with respect to the local MC not a guy you met a half hour ago and you're like hey nice to meet you and you're back there watching the feature yeah is whatever I love I I miss being at the bar and there's like eight people and then you know you know like you said Gaffigan shows up or Louis walks in or whoever or you're like hey Sarah Silverman's in town she's been around town she might show up yeah and

you're all like everyone's talking then you're like oh wait fucking you know Simon's son everywhere I gotta watch this set let me see what he's got yes I really miss those are like right before you go on to have been like is this funny is this anything does anyone do this bit that's that's what I'm missing eating eating meal upstairs at the cellar and all that stuff but anyway what are what are some of the other shows you've experienced it like that's the show it's a scene oh there was a couple man well Rafifi was big when I when I first moved here Rafifi was like the spot and that's where they say like what

was that show they did an album out of it it was Bobby Tisdale I mean this is invite them up and that was like a Z's and Mike Brabiglia and Mulaney and all those Nick Kroll was there it was very they were pop Pete Holmes it was poppin and that was like crazy hot that Greg Johnson had a show there that was like I felt like Studio 54 it was celebrities it was drugs it was nighttime it was the village it was New York and I was such a nobody Tom McCaffrey looked at me oh my god I mean it was I mean this is so inside I feel like we're boring the shit out of the people in Montana no I think they're interested in the in the

New York scene but I was on my way to Rafifi I've probably told you this story before when I got the call for live at Gotham which was my first TV thing ever Comedy Central live at Gotham which is like you know it's so funny because I was just talking about how I thought it was like the most amazing show I couldn't believe I was gonna be on TV and I was talking to Colin Quinn the other day he was like oh that was the worst show ever worst show in the history of stand-up because he's from an older generation like to them they're like oh there's this dog shit show where they perform at Gotham yuck well what's the

beef well I think it was just I guess they saw like low-level comics at Gotham Comedy Club it was there was nothing it was brightly lit there was nothing like dangerous or fun about it was like a modern-day A&E's even at the improv I see but I was walking to Rafifi and I hadn't been living in New York long and then I got a call and it was Erin von Schoenfeld who books the improvs now and but she was working at Comedy Central the time and she was like here's your date you're gonna be on live at Gotham and I just smoked a bunch of weed and I was by myself walking down the street second Avenue and I was like great great and I

called my mother she didn't give a fuck she told me to kill myself and then I went inside and I wanted to tell everybody but nobody gave a shit because it was Rafifi and then I remember there was a comic who I didn't think was all that great and he was like I just got called I'm on live at Gotham and it took all the joy out of me and there wasn't that much joy to begin with so it was just another moment of expectations aren't quite what you want and now this turned into a sad story but anyways I want to hear who that is off air but do I know him oh of course yeah he's a comic okay okay why what you weren't

ecstatic I mean my first TV set I shit blood I mean I was like so I was on the moon well I was excited I mean we talked about it last week I'm a sad sack of a man my parents didn't care my you know my cousins gay and my you know whatever my mother wears shoes on Christmas you know it was just you know there's so many things that you don't get the reaction you want because what you want is to call a family and they're like oh my god can you believe it honey come in and get pick up the other phone you're gonna hear this and instead it's more like alright that's great yeah I hear you but I gave up on that in fourth grade

once I realized that you know I got a pubic hair and I jizzed in my own face I nobody cared I said alright this is for me so I got a I got a TV so I even tell my parents I was like this is for me I'm not letting anybody ruin it I've learned my lesson this is you got the live of Gotham fuck what would Steve your dad thinks you enjoy it well this was also 17 years ago don't forget I mean I was 11 so I didn't know what was what and who was who but and by the way that live Gotham I mean that's another one I remember it shit in my pants and you mentioned TJ Miller he was on my night and I remember he showed up they were

like get there at five we got to do an outfit change and a run through and a thing and TJ Miller was like nowhere to be found I remember being like this guy's dead meat I mean they might not even let him go on this is crazy and then eventually he showed up like an hour and a half late and I remember being like well let's see how this goes and nobody cared and that was the real lesson in show business to me interesting interesting yeah that is fascinating can I just go back to a point you made earlier that I wanted to touch on please you got the bit with the swipe in and the grandma's tits and it's not hitting

and I said it's ahead of its time do you ever think about Magellan and all those Copernicus cunts who got locked up for talking about the earth is round and your dad's gay your mom's flat and all this shit and they got thrown in jail and you know the Milky Way is not real and God is a pedophile or whatever it is and so you got to remember maybe you are ahead maybe it's just hard I mean I could just hear the keyboards clicking this comparison between my bit about zooming into my grandmother's tits and being Play-Doh I mean I'm not exactly you know Doc Brown over here 88 miles an hour 121 gigawatts that's a whole different story

and Michael Jackson or Michael J. Fox has got the shakes but I'm just saying I have a bit that I think is a little too too forward and it's not working but I'm not dropping it because I believe in it and I don't believe in the guy in the trucker hat with the one tooth and the can of Schlitz yeah I mean I'll keep trying it but like you said earlier I mean if I keep getting zero yeah yeah what am I gonna do I can't just keep smearing my grandma's tits if people are like well yeah that's true good point so because some things you know sometimes you're just like well I guess no one else thinks that yeah yeah and if they don't think it they're not gonna laugh at it so but this is kind of a shame this is another great thing about podcast now is

that thought can live here instead of in stand-up yes but I feel like that was my whole childhood going what am I in this something and people go shut up keep making the bed or take eyes on the road or whatever like nobody gave a shit about any idea I had as a kid which is thank god for stand-up because it gives you a little bit of of an audience and somebody's listening for 10 seconds I feel like my whole childhood was like hey hey quit less yapping and more clapping or whatever the hell like you know you got time to lean you got time to queef shut up completely and I remember being a little kid at the supermarket parking parking lot jeez I just started talking like I was a little kid and that was weird because we're talking about child it was like it triggered me into

sounding like fucking will hunting but your dick's gonna shrink so we're sitting there in the parking lot and I was you know bouncing around like a kid does and my mother was like hey get over here this is a street and I was like that's it's a parking lot and she was like don't be fresh but I remember thinking like I know but it's just not a street she's like well this car's driving I'm like well I mean this car's driving on a racetrack but it's not a street it's a racetrack this is a parking lot and I remember thinking that and not being like this is a bit but I remember having that feeling of like uh I got something though why don't and that feeling of like and this is where ego started and still going of like why aren't you admitting I I'm making a point right

right I'm correct yeah no yeah you had and that's that's the essence of of being a stand-up right there is like isn't it weird how we say this but it's actually there I mean that's that's comedy baby so you're in the right field that's for sure I had this one my mom was such a twat she would I would do the uh the you know say something and she would laugh and the whole room would laugh she'd go so stupid I'm like stupid fuck you you you you you you goos I just got the room to laugh stupid you couldn't have thought of that yes I still get that now all the time where people people that aren't funny do this boom boom and I'm like now that's funnier than anything you've ever come up with it happens on social media too they're like boom boom or like walka walka and I'm like

you've never come up with anything as funny as this thing that you're like dismissing as whatever and I'm just missing a two it's like a tweet whatever yeah you suck and you just you're a hack being like boom boom right you're just a hack that's like fucking 100 year old comeback or whatever yeah yeah that's uh I'm so I got three of those today I got oof I got boom boom I got uh wah wah and I'm like that's a that's a pun that's clever yeah you couldn't come up with that blow me and and I've said it before but they only give you the wah wah when it's clever when it's nothing they don't even comment right it's weird how nothing if it doesn't make any sense or whatever he'll just ignore it but if it's kind of clever they give you more shit yeah that's a good point

and uh I don't I don't you got a point for sure that's all I wanted um but oh I had something else about ah sorry making everybody laugh you made your mom laugh so stupid let me be stupid I had to rearrange some shit for that to connect you're stupid how about that yeah take that bitch put that in your ass and blow it or whatever um all right we got we got the things I just noticed should we do the things I'll get okay Tuesday's stories is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum we love Lucy company was founded by Caltech scientists who were former smokers that's what you want folks you want the people who get it to cure it to figure it out to nail it took them three years of research and experimenting and they made Lucy a nicotine

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that mouth is you just want to put stuff in it exactly you want to really get creative and I've seen it in the motion pictures where they have that head tilted back and the guys just jamming it right in there and it seems pleasant to me and then you wanted to that turn women all women women are so strong my gal I don't know what she what she's into I don't know what your gals into they're so secretive and vague we could all have a better life and enjoy sexual stuff but it's all this weird I don't know tiptoeing around I can't say this gotta use play words just tell me what you want you skank it's all guesswork I mean sometimes where you're like yeah I'm your father you dumb bitch and they come and then other ones you gotta really punch them in the pussy and some

you gotta suck on their toes and and that's just my aunt yeah I mean it's hard to know but and then of course as years and days go by you gotta you gotta mix it up a little bit I got I'm like painting a mustache on my girl and I got her wearing I don't even know anymore but is there any wonder why there's like weirdness with male and women's sexuality and other stuff and tension and it's like hey I feel like after sex with my lady I'm like fill up this checklist fill out this comment card what do you like what do you not like and we can just we can just get you off please you to perfection every time what is this you could you could marry somebody for 30 years and go like you like that I had no idea like what is that yeah it's a whole lot of pussy

footing and then which is one of my things and then when I say what I mean I'm like say this I feel like a douche like afterwards I'm like oh my god what was I doing I can't believe I said that I didn't want anyone to know that and it's really it's tricky sex is tricky and it doesn't have to be but I guess it does I mean I'm 100% blaming the female sex on this 100% yeah it's on you you dumb fucking cunts well just tell us it's all this all men are so stupid they don't know what they did but like if you tell us once right put in writing text me I got it I felt this way before I'm sure we've said this before I know everyone hates me for saying that but I'm self-conscious about saying things that we've already said but I always felt that way and I tried to do a bit about this

that also ate it I got a lot of bad bits but I remember 30 years ago as a kid people would be like you don't know what a blow job is all these guys know what a blow job and just being like well just tell me if you tell me I'll just know and then we'll have the same amount of knowledge I don't I don't get it just say what it is and someone told you who fucking three hours ago right right I fucking hate that and now we do that to the we do that on steroids with like what's a super delegate oh this guy's all right we got a Nazi over here he doesn't know what I'm like I just I didn't read the fucking capital book I don't know I didn't read the the the book on politics just tell me and by the way it's not that easy to figure out I mean you got you got the

house you got the congress you got the legislative the executive your mother's asshole there's a whip I don't know what the fuck a whip man you got two whips there's a minority whip a majority whip of cool whip I know right um the black people drive a whip and then there's a whip it good and then there's the Jews and the judicial and the legislative and there's three of those as branches yeah there's a governor a senate I don't know what a senator does and a governor and a mayor is a city then there's a councilman what about all that there's an alderman what's an alderman alderman alderman swaysack I don't know who an alderman is I don't know who gets an alderman I don't know why they're an alderman I mean I was an alter boy but I don't know what an alderman is yeah yeah

well I know Robert Altman but what the hell's a cop troller well we're at it I never heard that until just now give it a go that's a that's a thing cop troller which seems made up it's like olfactory what the hell what that's in your nose I'm like is it a new is it old what are we doing here we're just putting words together no it's all very confusing and uh it's there's the declaration of independence and then there's the institute of technology I don't know I don't know what's what and and I'm watching the shit all day and here's the thing sometimes too you I watch cable news but they never explain some of the things so I'm watching the news every day from like Cal Ripken over here watching the news every day but they never I missed the first episode evidently they didn't

like when CNN started they didn't come out and say hey there's this and of that I know the governors this is what I know or what I've been told or read is the governors are doing more governing and that's why people were like they're better qualified to be a president because the governors have to actually govern a senator just votes he just lives in DC and he votes yes or no on your mother's asshole and sometimes presents a thing but they're they're out pussyfoot and everywhere that's why it's hard to uh what do you call it when you're running you navigate and negotiate campaign because the governor has to do shit and then mayor Pete that little fella he was running and he was the mayor of like a town and people were like how do you campaign you're the mayor of

like a city don't you have to go mayor the city but senators they can just mail in a vote I think or they just text their mother and say hey vote no on aides or whatever that's why I mean I get politics if you want to make some changes and shake things up and and run the world and I think it's all power and all ego and all anal because hey as you said they don't do shit they just often they got a desk with an American flag on it and they got the little pen holder and some some notary and a little stamp on their envelope that says mayor booted dick or whatever it's all formalities they don't do anything that's how he has time to campaign but here's the the rub something goes wrong and it's your ass right that's the whole job yeah I think some of the

lower level people actually do some things I guess I don't know what the fuck's going on over there but I think the president does like the least I feel like yeah they're just I don't know what the fuck they do they're just like I guess they can veto or you know ditto I don't know what's going on with the president they do some speeches and whatnot but it's like the head coach I remember watching an interview or listening to an interview with a head football coach and they're like what's the biggest difference about being the head coach as opposed to the defensive coordinator he's like it's less coaching like I think the defensive coordinators like all right are you gonna blitz them we're gonna go to the nickel we're gonna go to the dime we're gonna do a

four three and the head coach I think he's just out there smacking people's asses and saying if we win the toss defer right he's got a clipboard and a headset and he's just drinking Gatorade on the sidelines going you fucking cum guzzler you gotta catch that ball but it's like anything else it's like TV you know Fallon and in the writer's room that's a harder job than than presenting but it's all on him somebody gets in trouble it's on him he's the head of the out of the tower movie sets I used to work on movie sets the director sits in a director's chair drinking lattes and he goes cut all right lunch and then the ad is up there cranking the film and he's the assist director then you got the other guy the the director photography he's got six lenses on his neck and

cargo shorts and he's going move that over here when you were losing light you know these guys's asses on the line but the director's just he's getting a massage yeah it's interesting exactly the director's like all right I need this to be have a golden tint I want it to be uh look out of focus and then rack the folk all of a sudden it comes into focus and you zoom and swing it and hit it and the DP's like oh my god we gotta fly in a camera from Germany I gotta blow my father on Christmas and we gotta get another lens and the director's like well you better get it I don't have you better do that because that's what it needs to be it's my vision and your ass is on a lot it's like Steve Jobs is up on a turtleneck and mom jeans going this thing you swipe it it's gonna

open up and windows sucks and Bill Gates is a douche and then there's some kid in Asia going the soldering iron if I don't get this shit going I'm gonna have to jump out of a window but they put a net under it yes I think we talked about this similarly a few weeks ago is like I got inventions up the ass but I don't know what to do with them I gotta figure by the way we talked about this t-shirt idea I got I got 300 email I've never gotten more emails in my life how many people are printing t-shirts at their home I can't even oh it's the it's the American dream now it's they got it what's the what's the idea again I didn't want to say it because someone will take this son of a bitch it's big I'm telling you now it's big oh so these people they lending

out their service like I got the I got the gear if you want to make it yeah but I want it to be like a website a company a thing because this is gonna be this is gonna be the new look of the 90s Jerry you gotta text me this is I'll text you this and the shitty comic and I got a lot to text you yeah yeah I guess so oh boy I mean no offense but what are we are we up there with got milk I mean how good could this slogan be this is bigger than got milk I mean this could I want to say it because I'm so proud of it and it'd be funny because people would be like that idea sucks what are you kidding but I really do it's not patent it's not Sean patented so someone could just nab it I'll see it out there and I'll have to shoot myself in the tits all right oh geez you gotta these these gays

are foaming at the mouth over here you're getting them all hot and bothered they're sitting on a towel here and you won't tell us but can I just say this about the politics and it's the last thing about the the delegate in the senate and the scaramucci and the other guy the saving grace of all that shit is google because I go on google I go what the fuck's up and it fills in senator do and I go ah thank god there's other assholes out there who doesn't know what this guy does but don't you have this sometimes when you google you read it and you're like I got nothing oh completely I read whip a couple weeks ago I'm like I gotta get to the bottom of this whip because I've been worried about it since 85 and I read a novel about whips and chains and yeah Dick Chainsy and all this stuff

and I got I got nothing miracle whip I read the whole thing you know whippy houston I still I still don't know what the fuck the whip does yeah I don't either and I equate that with like a powdered wig and slavery and wash it I don't know what that is so I gave up on whip in elementary but is that around I think that's over no that's still around and it sucks because you want to present yourself and this is where it's this is part of a much larger picture because you feel like if you don't know it then you can't all your points are invalid because people will do that you don't know what a whip is that you don't know why I'm even talking to this guy and I'm sitting there and they're going well the minority

whip came in and I mean minority whip I mean this term I can't even believe how offensive it is my god yeah how did that make it through I mean minority whip I thought we did away with that in the 60s I know I feel weird saying like my buddy's whipped you know with his girlfriend even now because he's a black guy he's whipped like crazy and I'm like hey all these terms you say they're all bad for slay hey I'm calling my blade you want to hang oh shit you're so whipped ah shit you know I'm like I gotta you want to get a brownie oh no I'm going to jail brownie points uh oh god I'm getting a whole lot of shit over here we had to get text because we have the ads hadn't come by the way we have another ad I gotta I gotta mention we got another not an ad of sponsor

sponsor this episode is also brought to you by express vpn speaking of googling things did you know lots of streaming services hide thousands of shows from you based on your location what's streaming in your country is completely different from what is available to someone in the UK or japan but you can get around all that with express vpn using express vpn I can control which country the internet thinks I am in with just one click I can change my location that sounds awesome yeah I think that's what a minority whip does express vpn has over 90 countries to choose from so every time I run out of stuff to watch I just switched to another country to unlock new shows this is amazing yeah I mean this is pretty great I mean personally I just started watching

the the lady in the dale the car in the dale have you watched that one on HBO or the dale chip and dale I don't know what that is it's about I told you about the car the lady with it made the three-wheeled car oh yo what's the name of it I will watch that tonight I think it's lady in the dale or the something dale is in there dale uncle dale no I wish he invented a three-wheeled car I've been the third wheel a couple of his days but I'm watching that on HBO that's fantastic there's the new Woody Allen Mia Farrow doc coming to HBO which I'm afraid they're gonna slam my beloved Woody that's coming out so you're gonna want to see that that's what I've been watching but you can watch more with ExpressVPN tell them how to do it mark you got it tubs be

smart stop playing stop paying full price for streaming service and only getting access to a fraction of the content get your money's worth at expressvpn.com slash Tuesdays don't forget to use our link so you can get three extra months free that's expressvpn.com slash Tuesdays expressvpn.com slash Tuesdays to learn more you're gonna love it all the great shows watch whatever you want and don't get followed get on it folks and why we're selling things folks join the Patreon for God's sakes it's it's that's enough already the jig is up I mean the Patreon is where you want to be we got so much stuff we're about to record a bonus again right after this it's gonna be a hot one we've done bonuses every week there's like hours and hour I can't even imagine

how many hours are on there it's gonna be hundreds of hours plus all the live shows Krista Stefano evidently is famous now he's on there yeah we had the best episode we ever did was him and Ron Bennington from Austin lights out lunch absolutely amazing by the way I watched Death Proof last night for uh we're doing Ron on and I have this movie podcast and I watched Death Proof and they talk about Antons oh wow look at that they're like yeah we were at Antons earlier we did our podcast their best episode we ever did I thought Bennington Christy tons of good ones we have uh who else is on there Corinne Fischer is on there and Berkreicher Michelle Wolfe Nicky Glazer Giannis Papas uh Ari Shafir I mean we we really ran the gamut on uh

Friends of ours but great stuff plus the the the queefs all day long we got road queefs you got Sarah new queefs I got me and the lady queefs I mean there's so many extra minutes of fat Chris Al and green rooms all over the country I mean there's a plethora of jizz on that napkin yeah we started doing those by the way in like 2017 I think 2018 so it's like years of stuff on the patreon and it's a bargain you can get on there for five bucks and you get the video a week early so you can uh you know talk about how ugly I am a week early and uh so get in there join that patreon it's it's a lot of fun and you really are missing out on the Tuesdays with stories experience if you're not on the patreon here here now I know you got a nugget so I want to get a

nugget it or you maybe you got something you said I got a thing it's not I don't know if it's a nugget because you people are gonna be like that wasn't a nugget Denver nugget chicken nugget all right well let me throw a nugget in then maybe it's a nugget it could be a fish dick I don't know if it's a full nug but so we're in a pandemic all you hear is like hey use the time to make your thing and use this time you're you're sitting at home all day squeezing your meat like actually go out and make a video or a masterpiece whatever it is so I've been talking a lot of bullshit about buying a piano uh-huh of course 26 months have gone by I never bought the piano I did a show in Lafayette Louisiana it's a two and a half hour drive back to the great city of New Orleans I'm driving with

my pal Vincent Zambon he was the opener and he goes you know I just bought a guitar a couple weeks ago and I play it 30 minutes a day and I go really and he goes yeah it was hell and then before you know it you just get it and now I can play the guitar and I was like huh you get a book he's like yeah you get a book and I'm like you get a nap what do you do you watch YouTube he's like yeah I did all that yeah but I just I just enjoy playing and I go is it a chore is it like oh it's 12th third I gotta pick up that axe and stroke it he goes no I enjoy it it's relaxing and I said if this guy is buying a guitar playing it I should have bought the if I had bought the piano back then I would have I'd be a fucking Mozart by now that's what it is Chuck Berry yeah so I've been doing the

same thing I got the mandolin nine years ago I was with you I didn't take lessons for two and a half years then I took all the lessons then I stopped taking lessons but I've been playing guitar during pandemic because Sarah's got a guitar so I've been playing that and all of a sudden I got a few chords but that's what happens to me is I was always like there's six strings my fingers are fast my dick is soft I can't play guitar and then I'm 38 I pick it up I've learned four chords and seven years ago and I just sit there and I think I could I could have done this when I was six like I should just be satisfied with I'm playing guitar every day but instead I'm like fuck I could have been a fucking musician and jumping around instead of going up there and

be like hey you ever fuck your wife and she talks dirty and you don't like it's nonsense I could have been fucking you know singing songs and having everyone sing along and and actually love me instead of just laughing at me but sorry I'm ruining your story but but your buddy Holly you could have been buddy Holly cool yeah I look just like buddy Holly and there you go and I'm looking like Mary Tyler Moore but so anyways I've been doing this the guitar thing and I just did an interview on Mindful Metal Jack a quick plug with this woman Catherine Price who wrote this book How to Break Up with Your Phone and she was talking about she's like talking about you spend four hours a day on your phone if you spent like 45 minutes of that playing the instrument and she

was talking she's like I play guitar now I play drums and she really inspired me so my point is tell me you got the piano well everything you just said I'm vouching and doubling down on I completely agree and it's that that hump you gotta get over that it's like a stick shift it's like anything else you know you get in your car you go I'll never learn this this is beyond me I can't figure it out and then you just keep grinding you keep failing and now I can drive a stick I'm fucking whipping that a little cunt all over town now and it's second nature huh whip whip minority so yeah so I'm just gonna suck it up like you said and the brain knows that it is hard then you just keep doing it so I'm just gonna keep tickling those ivories and then eventually I'll be playing

chopsticks and then eventually I'll be playing uh Nirvana and then you know Chris Brown I'll tell you when when when Louis I also got a book Salak use gave me this thing which is hilarious wow it's a notebook with Louis CK's face on it which is terrifying yeah creeps us out but I gotta put it under the pillow before I jerk off but yeah that's like George's mom doll it's like staring at you it looks exactly the same I know the red hair um but he when he got you know cancelled or whatever the term is he started playing piano and that guy he plays Mozart like create not like some John bullshit he plays like like flight of the uh bumble cunt he can really play I mean it's insane he plays all the the hits from the 1700s or whatever year those guys were alive

whoa how cool is that all right well I mean if that idiot can do it I feel like that gives me a little hope and also here's the here's the other clinker is you buy these keyboards online I watch 80 reviews on keyboard I watch 14 youtube videos it takes a lot of time to pick the right one and I was about to buy the the piano with the stand you know the little cross x metal stand with all the wires and I go fuck it I'm buying the real piano I got the wooden box and everything yeah I'm going all in and upright upright baby grand here's the thing if you put the goddamn because I was all about portability I want to slide under the rug I want to put it under the bed and never see it again but the easier it is to put away the more you're going to put

it away so I'm leaving that chuch right there on the floor against the wall taking up real estate so I can't I can't avoid it well that's what this lady Catherine Price everybody go check out mindful metal jacket she said the key is never put your guitar away just have it sitting out there and I was like I did that just because I'm a piece of shit that doesn't put things away but she's like it just it's one more obstacle you gotta like unzip the bag or whatever it's like jerking off you gotta unzip your bag before you can jerk off on someone's face so right takes forever but how are you getting it up into that apartment hey that's uh that's up to the Guatemalan guy who works for uh amazon I mean he's gonna help me I'll give him a fincki we'll

put that puppy on his back like a donkey in Venezuela and he's gonna hike it up the stairs also I have an elevator and uh we'll we'll wheel that that Nazi right into here and and start playing that's exciting I mean like a real piano piano because that's always and we've had this conversation before that's always the instrument you most want to play because people stand around you and you'll let you do that look back you know the piano look back oh that is like it's all I've ever wanted to do and and my favorite moment the Marx brothers are always when Chico comes and starts shooting those keys so yes it's it's it's something you always want to do I can play three little tiny things in the piano and I feel alive when I'm doing it it's just someone taught me when I was

you know 17 right right exactly but it's so true you're at that party it's kind of dead and you go oh what's that over there you blow the dust off you you pop that cover open then everybody starts dancing your picture like you know drinks starts getting served and everybody's doing twirls and shit and I just I can't wait to tickle it and get on the the black and white and really really play some uh some Bach or Wagner or whatever Jew hater guy and uh it's gonna be a minute but I'm gonna film the whole thing because that's what you do now and I'll make a night out of it but I'll tell you what what really sucked was just pushing the purchase button because it's a couple it's a couple pennies for this puppy and I and I just couldn't do it and I eventually just

said ah fuck it and I pushed it then I go wow I did it that's it and then 20 minutes later I get a bounce back email saying the payment didn't go through you put the wrong number in or something and I was like is that a sign is that a sign I shouldn't be buying this and I had to re-up and go ah just get it and put the right number in you cunt well oh shit I forgot what I was gonna say because that didn't go through thing but oh the nice thing about a piano if you bought a piano piano like a nice piano is it's beautiful it's art so even if you're not playing it like if you have the keyboard stuck under the the couch it looks like shit and it's just embarrassing but a piano even if you've never played you can have a piano just because it's like a beautiful uh thing it's

prettier than a couch or a you know a armoire agreed agreed yeah yeah it's cute I mean I'm look I'm not I didn't dive into a fucking Yamaha here with uh little Richard on it it just it's just a stand-up wooden box with keys on it so let's don't don't get the hopes up folks what's in the box gondos got the upper hand um but yeah no that's exciting I love it that's a nugget I mean that's a big nugget my nugget's nothing I got a nothing nugget but uh that sounds like a cereal nothing nugget like there's no fat in it nothing nugget thank you that could be something well there's a lot of fat in this episode but well people say nothing burger that's a real nothing burger but nothing nugget is better you got the alliteration yeah I think so keep it keep it in

the pocket uh yeah you could call it the nothing n word for short to kind of ah maybe never n words um oh boy um by the way you notice we haven't edited in a long time and the old days would have to always be like cut the hat cut this I feel like we haven't done that in a long time I'm probably we've got I guess we grew up a little and got a little more scared I don't know we're less scared uh-huh because like back when we first started every 10 minutes we were like don't put that out edit this but you know I think we're growing as people sure I'm hard um oh so anyways my nugget I was home last weekend or two weekends ago whatever the hell I was home and I went over to borderland state park which I've talked about before it's my favorite park in uh massachusetts

well maybe not my favorite but it's the one closest to my parents I was took my niece and nephew there and it was a big snowstorm brewing it was in the uh what's that called the resume brochure fuck no or Easter weather forecast the forecast it was in the forecast big snow coming snowstorm coming and uh I was like fuck it yeah you know you know when you try to thread the needle of the storm where it's like it's the storm starts snowing at 10 a.m so I told my niece and nephew I was like get up at 830 wheels up at 830 I'm picking you up so just be ready because we're gonna have an hour to get there walk around before it starts being a huge snowstorm we got them up at 830 got them all bundled we're the only ones in the park because everyone's

afraid of the snow of course sure we got the whole park to ourselves and we walked around in the quiet we took moments of meditation I had them do gratitude lit we took turns going around saying what we're grateful for beautiful day the ice was frozen so we walked way out onto the ice we had like group hugs in the ice I'm trying to really spread the the butter of love you know that's great let these children feel the love tonight and we're sitting there we're having like let's have a moment of silence just sit here and just take in nature and then we hear we're out in the ice like a hundred feet out we hear and I go cut off the ice everyone go everyone run and it's slippery we're like assholes like doing like whoop whoop whoop whoop like

bunny whole shit yeah Bambi and so we go and no one shot us luckily but we come running out to the ice and it's like slipping and sliding we had to like we dive off the ice into the snow we're like oh my god that was scary and then we hear and we realize it's like a gun range there's like a gun range like over there wasn't the ice at all the ice was totally fine it was just a gun shot shit all of our pants and we ran off the ice then we went back on the ice because we realized it was just a gun and then you have that moment where you're like why would the ice be cracking it's been 12 degrees for six weeks you know it's like I can see it's four inches thick but it was quite an adventure then the snow finally came we're walking around in the park

and you can like if you stop and get quiet you can hear the snow like just hitting the the ground it's making this beautiful sound and huge snowflakes there's an open field there we're running around catching them in our miles like little retarded kids and yes it was just beautiful gorgeous gotten the car drove home listen to some rock and roll it looks like you're going warp speed and just had a great great time it was a fun threesome out in the woods I love it I mean that is that's what life's all about we're all trying to get eight retweets and viral video and but it's all fleeting that will be a memory stuck in your asshole forever and that's uh it's a nice thing by the way I like the pen we should go pens pen is good it feels like we're smart we're trying

to figure something out let me make note of that and I'll just put that down in my permanent record yeah you get this one huh yeah that's good the ears something yeah how about the guy when you were kid who could do this one I was like oh man I want to blow this guy he's so cool yeah I love that I mean you know I think I told this story a million times before my friend Derek oft mentioned funniest person I ever met we had a my my sister or whatever my mother whoever set it up had like a psychic come over the house why all the women got their palms red and all the men were like these dumb bitches whoa and so we played pool and drank beers and they went and got their palms red and the tits is touched or whatever and they came the lady was leaving she had her table and

her oils or whatever and she was like someone was like how did you know you were a psychic or whatever and she blabbed off like five minutes and then when she finished Derek went ah big deal my dad can pull his thumbs off and it's still maybe my favorite thing anyone's ever said I could not stop laughing it's still hilarious to me that's amazing wow what a pull dare and also fuck psychics where were they on the pandemic good point no no heads up no warning you got nothing you can't see the future you're worthless I hope you get COVID you're all a bunch of grifters you gypsy twat yeah you stick uh all right where are you gonna be I mean well by the way great hair day best hair day since the uh look at that it's luscious it's full it's

cherry brown I mean look at that why you look like Johnny suede over there thank you very much yeah for the people have commented like hey your hairline's receding I'm like it's been here since 1982 my friends I was a little bit of mine sick my eyebrows and hair are fighting ah yeah it ain't a forecast it's a five cast coming in folks look at that dandruff it's a snowy day but yeah uh I forgot to plug all my dates for last week even though we're recording this uh off kilter so thanks for coming out I was at Souljoles I was at the blue room and then I got I got Raleigh coming up and uh Spokane and Texas I'm at the paramount in Austin so yeah I got a bunch of dates it's all on the website I updated it like for the first time in 30 years so screw the uh the haters uh

we're we're coming out and doing the road I mean vaccines are pumping and let's uh let's have a yuck yeah I have my date book somewhere but I can't find it but I'm coming to Omaha Nebraska April something 21 22 I think and side splitters March something fuck me hard but side splitters in March Omaha in April check out their websites I'll start updating my website I'm all off but check out these podcasts go check out mindful metal jacket uh last week I had Catherine Price with how to break up with your phone which is uh timely uh and it was a great conversation it was really fun and interesting and the week before that I had this guy Richard Lang who is a fascinating teacher and author and there's some good stuff and then Ron and I've been doing this movie podcast

that's on YouTube you can check that out the audio I think is on Patreon also so uh the Tuesdays with stories Patreon join the Patreon come out and see us Patreon uh whatever that's yeah fuck yeah yeah come on by uh oh I'm at Dayton oh I forgot to say Dayton Ohio and Syracuse not bragging so yeah join the Patreon say hello podcasts are are slipping around like they're fluffing off like flies on uh on a dick so stick with us we're here to stay who's got a better uh consistency rate than this these kooks right here so thanks for all you do and we're here for you and maybe eventually we'll uh we'll meet up at some point and get back in person soon when will then be now soon soon baseballs loved it um all right george said cut it we'll go do a bonus right now all right

please