Tuesdays with Stories! - #389 Altitude Mountain Snake Oil

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

Big, crazy ep this week as Joe travels to Ecuador to visit Ari Shaffir where he encounters strange dogs, gets major diarrhea, has his fear of heights constantly tested, and more! Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays), Sheath (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), & Honey (joinhoney.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks pick it up sweep it up lick it up it's Tuesday we're here we're back it's been years it's snowing I'm gay you got diarrhea we're all over

the place wait how do you know about the diarrhea I assumed you've been eating hickamah and ass for three days I mean I got wild diarrhea I was gonna save that for the end that was gonna be my big closer but you saw it on my face yeah sorry I jumped the gun and I assumed you had it but I just couldn't think of a funnier word so I won't diarrhea but I can't wait to hear all about it you've been backpacking you've been all over the world you're a jet-setter yeah it's wild it's I gotta say I am so grateful to be home I'm like I'm just rolling around in dirty laundry I dove in the trash barrel I just can't tell you how

good it is to be home I went to Starbucks and I blew every single woman in there I got they gave me an emperor's clouds hot tea I just dumped it on my own face yeah and we shit on a miracle day but when you get back like oh that Chipotle takes a card you know what I mean yeah well I said this I don't think we're doing the pod then but I kept saying when I went to Peru back in the day because of course Europe is just America I mean who are we kidding here you know it's pretty pretty much the same whatever yeah they're a little gay or yeah exactly yeah but you know I went to Peru back in 2010 and it makes you

realize all the things you hate about America like this is beautiful this is so cheap this is affordable and the Amazon and they just live in small and these huts but then you also are like God I'd kill for a movie theater or Starbucks you know a pair of white tits you know there's a lot of things you love but that that's how I'm feeling right now is it just feels so good to go in and get a cup of tea that's a good temperature with a lid yeah and they got chocolate chip cookies everywhere it just feels good to be back in the good old US of a where everyone hates each other here here well you know what it is

you need a balance there fatty like you get your Starbucks here they take your credit card then you go to Ecuador or whatever and they they put you'll play in a rickshaw and you can kill a you can kill a trans person the street and nobody cares so it's good to do both yeah exactly you got a balance but yeah we went to a grocery store a mini market and market that's like a female you okay I'm a little rusty that'll be me in a few years so we go into the the market and Sarah and I got five bags of groceries like full bags three in one hand two in the other she didn't carry shit and they're like that'll be $20 and 50

cents and they take American money down there it's kooky their whole system crashed a couple days ago or whatever so they take American cat they give you like a Ben Franklin bill right it's very strange there they sad people with no money I think they like that they go look at this greenback over here huh I think they dig it it's very strange you like here's Abraham Lincoln who didn't do shit for Ecuador as far as I can tell right right well yeah but you try to use a Canadian quarter in New York they kick in the tits yeah well down there they suck you off for that but so it was pretty exciting but I don't even know

where to start I got a lot from Ecuador I also went to Key West for three days I got to talk about comedy Key West which you got a book get on the horn get your agent your manager or nobody call Tom Dustin up on the phone because they you've done it before right you did comedy Key West previously I did and it was a fucking blast Tom Dustin's the best host he's a great tour guy we jet skied we got drunk we we made love it was it was fucking awesome every show was sold out the crowds are fun I love Key West so if I ever run over a kid or do something horrible I'm moving there it seems like it's just a bunch of runaways

drinking it up that's what it is and they have a term I just learned that I love my new favorite thing and I want to write a sitcom it's called keys disease you hear that term no I like it that's when you run away you get a motorcycle you hit your ride to Key West and then you stop showing up for work you get a fat ass you get you know aids or whatever you get those fried tits the ladies are all those like brick colored tits yeah you want to do a set in front of them I know what you mean yeah everybody's got that catchers mitts skin I I might have keys yeah it's a fun disease but so we went down there so the

old room is gone that's that was like at the shitty end of town whatever it was fun but it was in a bar but now they have their own room they bought it my buddy Joe Madaus and Dustin they went in I don't know with a couple other guys some really hot guy and they have their own room and it's like a block off of Duval Street which is Bourbon Street if you're not familiar with Key West by the way we've talked about this before but Key West and New Orleans are so similar to me I get them confused I have memories from each city that I I flipped they both have this you know there's like a lot of like those triple decker

manchini houses yep they got a history of the arts and then they each have the same street Duval and Bourbon which the locals hate all the tourists come to and you probably get beat up if you make eye contact with anybody yeah yeah it's a little dicey it's all about fun and booze and partying and I my opener every night was Key West is like if New Orleans fucked a red lobster because it's got a little more Caribbean seafood-y fish vibe yeah the New Orleans has Louis Anderson and wait no who's that what's his name again the black one oh no Louis Armstrong Armstrong yes is that so who is Satchmo Satchmo Woody Allen's kids

Satchmo page I'm not sure did you watch the work I think it's Louis is I know I haven't up to I don't want to watch it I don't want to I don't want to see him go down like that I know it's hard because I love Woody so much I'm still defending him they're like he finger fucked a child and I'm like but it was funny come on it was goofing around it's putting me in a really bad position here yeah yeah well they say it's a he said it was a chop job or whatever you call it hit job chop shop yeah what is you know when they they cut it up it looks bad it's a whack job hand job no it's called a hit job a hit job is it a hit a hit piece hit

piece yes yes that's an article a hit piece is in words good point this was this was something else I think but hit piece is good I think so I've heard his side of red his side Mia's had plastic surgery so she's probably lying I assume I don't know but yeah who knows it's only part what by the way part one is like devastating like I got to watch three more hours of this brutal yeah yeah whack job cut job call in if you know that's gonna bug me but showbo you got it I don't know but yeah right so you're in Key West it's a magical place your your problem just slip off you something about that town they just float away yeah

it's it well it's a great town and you know I first went there back in 06 with with Dustin I think he came on the podcast we told some stories we got Rob by prostitutes in Miami and and we ended up you know telling stories for money which was amazing and we were like we got to move here what if we just moved here we'll perform in Mallory Square we're open our own place and he did it the son of a bitch I mean he's he's done it he's living the dream down there love you Tommy but anyways the new room is killer you got to go do it it's a perfect intimate stage small room but they they pack it in and then you can

hang outside which is nice like a green room on the balcony and then he's got a megaphone because when all the people drive by you can you can shout fun stuff through the megaphone you hey blinkers on and then there's a ghost tour that comes by and he always yells you're all doomed and they all scream fuck you it's it's a good time oh man I love it wow Tom really he really did he really made something out of Key West and he brought comedy there he's he's a special guy that Tom and I gotta say to all the fans down there make it a trip if you see one of your favorite comics fly down there why go see Mark Norman at

the Omaha funny but we'll go there too but hop on a plane fly to Key West make a vacation you know I mean like that's what I do for Pearl Jam I go hey Pearl Jam's playing in Seattle I want to see them in their hometown I'll fly out there hey Brandi Carlisle's playing at you know the firehouse in Atlanta I'm gonna go down there and see it yeah that's a great point you know what you got you got her keys disease all right I've been sitting on that one for too long I had to get it out not bad but anyways went down there had a great time now let me throw this at you I got a little I haven't traveled in a while haven't

dealt with all the shit you deal with yeah what do you what do you make of this one I'm interested to hear your opinion on this and this is slightly racial oh lay it on me fatty well everyone loves a little race stuff these days not too sensitive but so obviously you know it's very difficult to be black and then all that stuff but so there's some sometimes it feels a little advantageous socially in these little situations so we're on the flight to Key West and there's two flamboyantly gay black men in front of us like you know super silly hi like the kind of crazy very loud the whole flight and fine

having fun they're going down there on vacation and they're pushing each other into the bushes and going you you're crazy girl shut up girl like that kind of sure which is all fun I'm pro silly yeah I'm doing okay yeah so there they're doing that and then we're getting off the flight and as you know every you do the shuffle where every row goes and the row behind hate the shuffle and there's a couple people that always try to blast forward yes so premature ejaculate and then there's a couple people there's a couple people that take forever to get their bag down they're lollygagging yeah I hate the gag so we're behind the two

gay fellas who again are very nice they were pleasant we had a couple we exchanged pleasantries and they're having a nice time to go into Key West having a good good fun so there's a lady regular old white there are two rows that the gay blacks are two rows in front of us okay and maybe they're one it doesn't matter but they're in front of us there's a crusty old regular Karen white lady and she's unpacking she's taking forever she's the lollygagger yep so then because she's lollygagging gay black guy number one goes by oh but now she's ready so she turns to get into the aisle to leave and gay black guy to

kind of walks into her at the same time she goes just go go ahead go ahead she does go let some go that's not bad not bad yeah lady there's a lady behind gay black guy number two and she's Karen regular white lady number two oh and she goes to pass and then the lollygagger goes um hello can I go excuse me what do you make of that I I know what I make of that and that's a it's a fascinating sociological thing you just saw I mean we could we could dissect this all day but there there is white privilege but we act like white privileges one thing we have privileges and then black people have

privileges it's not white privilege it's you get a privilege here you get a privilege there same with black people they get a privilege here they get it's Hispanic people get a privilege there whatever and that's a privilege it's a little bit of guilt that's a little bit of the times we're living in and it's a little bit of like I don't want to be the bad guy I've seen enough cell phone videos you go but hey hey honky lady we're on the same level so no dice now we should note of course white privilege certainly has been miles greater than yes privilege ever has of course we're not trying to you know make any

newspapers here certainly better to be white in the history and all the business right but in this particular situation I feel like this guy got certainly preferential and what was so jarring about it I've never seen anybody change so fast even like my drunk uncle who had kicked me in the asshole have to take me to the movies yeah it would literally this fast she was like go ahead go ahead hello can I go right you just stood there and let a person go you can't be mad you could be like oh it's my turn I'm sorry but she was like a cunt to this lady within a half a millisecond of giving the yeah you go

it's fascinating and it it's great to see because and that's a great catch because it just proves every thought I've ever had like you're kind of faking it here but you're you're your real self here we're all kind of phony so it's nice to see those moments you're like alright everything I thought was true and here here's my thing you know when like you do something kind of racist and in some black guy goes oh it's cuz I'm black huh it's cuz I'm black and you're like maybe but they never do the it's cuz I'm black when you do something nice hmm you know if a white guy's playing his music on the subway I'm like Jesus

man what do you this people on the subway but if he's black I'll go hey and they never go you let me play my music cuz I'm black right yeah absolutely yeah yeah I didn't want to be a douche or you know white devil or whatever a Karen I think it's gone but this lady had quite a quite a flip I've never seen a flip like that she was like Scott Hamilton on the ice I mean a real backflip and I just thought it was fascinating and I felt bad for white lady to who was like yeah I'm trying to be an asshole you just you were letting people go you were lollygagging and you were so pleasant to this fellow and it would just be nice

if the black to black gaze and I think black people are perceptive enough they've they've been through enough that they get it they know what's going on like oh I have black friends you're like oh yeah if I see some white guilt I'm using it you know and I'm like good at least you admit it that's all I need is the acknowledgement yeah I just I have no problem with her letting the one guy go and not late the second lady go but it should have been a little more like ah go ahead go for that excuse me I'm gonna yeah go yeah just you don't have to be so she was blowing the one guy and eating out the lady in a bad way

right right she pulled an Elliott page the quick flip but quick flip yeah it's a it's an odd scenario that is but it's it's real it you know you we talk about treating people equally but you really shouldn't because we've got you know certain histories and social norms that you got to abide by so equality is no good that you'll get in trouble for treating people equally right the dude abides so which I watched Lebowski on the plane yesterday what a fun fun film great film weird interesting Cohen brothers so so fun I can't stop itching I got these bug bites it's brutal it's like sex once you start itching oh I feel so

good that that tingly kind of painful kind of feels good vibe it's tough because they're not itchy for a while and then they they itch up and it's just too much for me to handle hurts so good yes John Cougar yeah which is a one time I when I was a younger man I was prying with women I was like what is a dick this is a big dick do you really need that they were like sometimes it hurts but sometimes it hurts so good I remember like oh wow that was hot yeah it's interesting because I was just thinking about this because you know I was in Ecuador with Ari and he had his dog banned it to a who I love and we had a

good time but you know you're driving around and you got a whole bandit will sit in your lap and these dogs they just step on your dick and you know I was to do with a Wall Street guy exactly and I was like he just fucking crushed my ball and the topic came up with like some guys are into that which is so wild to me that someone to stepping on your balls I know I never got that either and it's a domination thing they they run the they run the gamut all day in the stock room and then they want somebody to do it to them and I'm like but it still hurts yeah see I get domination I like a woman to sit on my face and like

hold my head and like rubber pussy on my my face you know is fatty spit in my mouth a little bit you know take my own come and whip it into my asshole I like that stuff the casual you know domination but the pain business the cutting and the and the choking and the you know thumbtack up your asshole it's for the birds I agree I agree I'm with you let me let me throw that let me let me throw some some road stuff at you and then then I want to hear all about the jungle no I want the road stuff please hit me all right well first of all I was supposed to be in Tejas this weekend but obviously it's going through a blizzard

over there it's it's nuts down there we seen these the news stories a little bit of peaked in a couple times I heard some pipes burst and that was just Tim Dylan's sex life hello but yeah I heard that it's snow and frozen in the whole thing yeah that people have died like some old lady sat in her car for warmth and then froze to the windshield like Garfield and you know everybody's out of power and they've never they don't own jackets down there because it's Texas it's a nightmare the roads are fucked who knows what's going on so my shit got canceled and the week before that I was in Springfield Missouri the blue room

yes not bragging they got a whole new setup it's a warehouse now and oh god I gotta tell you it when I got there the high was six oh six degrees yes right that's when I was in Key West I think we texted a little bit I was like 90 I was walking around shirtless in Key West oh that's right it was a you just you go outside your jeans stick to you they're frozen your snot's hard oh it was a nightmare but the shows were great great people great time Chris the guy who runs the joint he took me out every night he's one of these guys who wants to show you good time so much that you're like alright alright I got it you know and just

had a great time we went to a strip club during the day had a steak that was awkward and then went to another strip club at night and yeah it was it was a fun town and so just shout out to Chris in the blue room go go there if you're in Springfield but whoa man it was chilly and I'm just so sick of these connecting flights I miss a direct flight that's all I want out of life yes Springfield is not not a lot of direction going from Springfield no no you gotta get up at eight then you don't get to Springfield till six then you got to go right to the gig and you get your ass eaten but the flight back was such a

nightmare and I'm gonna try not to come off anti-semitic I don't want to pull a Farrakhan here but I flew I flew from Springfield to Chicago connection Chicago to Newark Chicago my entire flight was Hasidic Jews I was the only non-Jew on the flight maybe there was an old black lady and an Asian guy in the back but I was in the epicenter of a of a full Hava Nagila I mean I'm talking the tassels the big hats the cloaks you know reading the Torah backwards one kid got a circumcised they're playing cards like over the aisle if you look down the aisle you just see cards going there's a kid crawling I mean it was bananas

babies are being passed over me oh my god I wanted to lose it on these people pass over yeah what was going on because it's interesting you say that because last night we flew back from Atlanta to Ecuador and we had a ton of Jews on the flight and I you know it was just yamaka regular yamaka Jews yeah but there's there's like Jews like our friends right that aren't wearing yamakas on airplanes then there's like yamaka Jews and then there's Hasidic I think or or yes Jews it's like it's all confusing because so many of our friends are Jews but none of them I never see any of them with a yamaka or curls or cards no I think it's the same with anywhere like we we have do we have Muslim friends yeah I think so yeah but they're not wearing

the they're they're the wife's not wearing a cloak with a burqa and ice slit and you know not letting them drive and shit yeah exactly but these guys were all in and they wear the mask right here and the stewardess would come by and go hey lady you gotta put the mask on she would roll her eyes and go whoop and then the lady would walk away and she'd go whoop I mean they did not give a fuck and it was it was so loud and they're up in the aisle they're doing they're doing like double dutch in the aisle I had to go back by the bathroom and just go like and the lady was like I feel you brother I know I know and we high-fived and I had to go back I mean it was it was tough so did you get any scoops was there an event or is it just I didn't want to ask I assume somebody

was cutting a diamond in New York and they had to go supervise I don't know what the hell was happening but I saw a crazy move there was one fat lady sitting between uh two black couples and or a black couple and the the black girl goes do you mind if I uh if we can sit together and she goes now I'm good and I was like oh my god I'd never seen anything like it wow but so she wanted to keep the middle seat well she was on the aisle the black gal was on the other aisle and the the black guy was in the middle wow so she doesn't like her side of the plane I guess I guess so but she was not having it and I couldn't believe my eyes because I've been there and I I always give it up because I'm you know not a sociopath but she was like nap screw you sister wow I want this aisle

I wonder if that was racism she could have been she could have been you know old school like hey she could have been the opposite of my lady that said hey that's enough already with these blacks you give them an inch they take your seat right there you go 40 acres in a seat but uh who knows but yeah oh yeah so it was just a nightmare to fly now because flights used to be fun with the COVID you know is to get the whole aisle you got the whole row and now it's uh it's a free-for-all it's filling in again but yeah I know one thing's getting better uh Tuesdays with stories is now brought to you by bluetooth get more confidence in the bedroom folks bluetooth offers the same active ingredients as viagra and sea alice but in a chewable tablet if you don't like swallowing

pills I know I don't this is for you folks it works fast you can take it day or night it's chewable you'll save a ton of money compared to the name brands bluetooth is the best thing about the internet an online prescription service that means no doctor's office or waiting in line we know how hard that can be here in america you can talk to a licensed medical provider to get your prescription all online everything bluetooth prescribes ships right to your door in a discrete package and bluetooth makes everything in the USA you're supporting american jobs here folks you know the economy's having trouble and so if you're having some trouble in the bedroom get yourself some bluetooth ASAP tell them how to do it mark you got that right sister special offer just for

the gays visit bluetooth.com and get your first shipment free when you use our promo code Tuesdays just pay five clams in shipping that's great one finski for shipping and you can get a whole bunch of bluetooth again that's B L U E chew.com promo code Tuesdays to try it free how could you say no bluetooth good stuff try it for free folks do it and hey we got another sponsor on this episode and this I gotta really sing the praises which I'll get into the story in Ecuador but Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by sheath underwear and sheath underwear saved my ass or my ball I should say you know I've talked about my varicokali before yeah marks mark showing off his sheath t-shirt his shirt and you know I got this I got the bag of worms in my balls varicokali

I think it's called the varicose vein in your balls and it could be quite painful and I was in keto ecuador and so the uh elevation is is huge and it was killing my testicle my nut it was killing my vibe I had a painful nut and you know what I did this is a true story I went back to my room I took off my whatever underwear I put on my sheath that just cups the balls it separates the dick and balls it's got its own pocket and these underwear I felt better in a matter of moments because of sheath underwear I can't recommend this stuff enough wow keeps your balls off your leg two pouches one for your cock one for your balls it's supportive it's sexy looking I truly love it and it saved my my balls in in Ecuador and you got to get yourself a pair this guy is is so kind to

us also so please just even if his shit sucked you should support him because of how giving and thoughtfully is and he's one of you he's a Tuesday but his stuff is amazing the idea for sheath came from its founder US Army soldier Robert Patton during his second tour in Iraq two tours of Iraq you're supporting a veteran for god's sake yeah support this awesome veteran owned company whose founder is a Tuesday himself and a big comedy fan you know how to do it tell him how mark wow what a vouch you're not going to get better than that folks go to sheath underwear dot com an order with promo code Tuesdays to get 20 off your first order and sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee but you're not sending this stuff back it's too good that's sheath underwear

dot com promo code Tuesdays that's T U E S G A Y S get sheath underwear and let them support your balls all right so yeah I've been shacked up in Manhattan with the snow coming down on my ass so I got nothing I'm bored I'm cold I'm gay hit me fatty give me something well so I just want to fine touch the Key West thing that was great we went down there was my first time working a full weekend indoors and it was it was so nice my buddy James Patterson moved there you know Patterson I lived here a couple times he just moved down there and wow it's a good move he's living with Dustin and he's doing all the spots he does a spot on every show it works for Dustin because he's like you know they got a lot of Key West comics who are fine some of them are awful but they now

they got like a ringer down there nice so it was great catching up with him hanging out it was me Sarah Patterson Dustin Madoce and just a great hang and Dustin's got this killer apartment with like a backyard bar his girlfriend kicks ass we were playing the movie game we could have used you down there it was a great time and so many good zingers my buddy Don Zola was in town what a bit of a Tuesday he was down there and just a great time we played the movie game for hours and just some amazing laughs we were playing this game joking hazard which is kind of like cards against humanity it's a fun silly game and just a great time I was smoking cigars I went to the Lost Buried Treasure Museum by myself because no one wanted to go which was pretty fun I felt like a

little boy yeah all right Tuesday recommended it by the way he's like check out the Lost Treasure what the fuck it's called Malfisher this guy found an old treasure and it was pretty cool that feels like a rook you know it feels like something like I don't know about this this feels like a juke but uh you say it was good it was cute I had a nice time hey don't get me wrong I'm not saying pack your bags and go check out the Malfisher but you know Key West I don't drink anymore it's a small town I've been I've spent a month of my life down there you got to start looking at some other shit so yeah yeah good point I mean if you ain't drinking that's like I mean that's like being a vegan going to Omaha like what do you do there yeah exactly it's a bit

it's a bit triggering I have to say that yeah you just want a day drink so I smoked about 1100 cigars I sounded like Babe Ruth by the end of the night but right but good for this com oh sorry good this comic this comic who goes what's his name Harrington Dave Patterson Patterson good for Patterson to go down there because uh what a great way to live it up get some sunshine I'm sure it's wide open I'm sure there's not one uh mask in sight and and he's getting spots yeah it's interesting there they got a lot of anti-mass there's a cop there he's got like you know tattoos he's huge so when he's ripped cops like a skinhead cop and he's got like his shotgun shells across his chest and then he attached to it he's got a bunch

of like surgical masks and he's telling everyone hey you got a mask up and everyone's like seriously and he's like ah it's bullshit I hate it they're making me say this it was like this weird thing so you have to like put your mask on we walk by the cop and everyone takes it down it's also silly by the way I'm pro mask I think we should all be masked up Ecuador every single person wears a mask indoors and outdoors 100% of the people they got hit hard early on they had like bodies in the street the whole thing so like everybody has a mask on even outside which I think is overkill but the rules as we've talked about and I don't want to go into a deep asshole here but in Florida you can go into a bar you have to walk you with a mask on then you can

just take it off once you've come in size you can sit in the bar with no mask all day but they have a cop telling you to put your mask on while walking outside where it doesn't spread it's all goofy it's all kind of theatrical yes theater I agree but um so anyway so then it's the big morning we drive to Miami we stay in the hotel we're flying to Ecuador we got to fly to Atlanta then to Ecuador it's all exciting but it's nerve wracking because we had to get tested right before and I hate the tests they they fucking jam it right up your asshole yeah and it's expensive too to get the PCR test a couple days before it was like 200 bucks each of this place we went to because it's free testing but that you got to drive to that or some horseshit yikes so we

get the test we're both negative of course we double mask on the plane trying to be as safe as possible new variants the whole thing don't tweet at me I don't give a shit I like wearing a mask fuck you mother so we're double masked on the flight it's empty anyways we get to Atlanta now we're flying to Ecuador we get upgraded to first class which is so exciting so we're like we're flying first class Ecuador nobody's on the flight it's Atlanta to Keto Ecuador there's like it's us two and three other people but it's like the shittiest first class this is some white people problem I'm a Karen I'm a Deb I'm a fucking Joe whatever yeah it's like an old plane so the first class like the it's supposed to turn into a bed but it's all slow it's like the TVs don't

work they're like black and white TVs it's like bullshit first class rabbit ears yeah it was just horrible first class it was bullshit I felt like a loser but anyways we got the plane to ourselves we get to Ecuador of course Ari's late picking us up he's just kind of sitting out there foreign country we don't know what's going on we're gonna get robbed what's that flight out what's that flight time four hours five about five foreign foreign change and then you it's scary because you land and they're serious about COVID it's people with like they look like Mark Wahlberg at the end of the part it they got like hair nets on and like the onesies right right and they give you a rapid test when you get off the plane you got like a thing being like I'm negative they rapid test you

we're good to go we come off we get through customs or whatever we wait for Ari he picks us up with the dog and now you just feel like we did it we made it we're in the car and he's been down there for four months he's in a shitty rental car it sounds awful doesn't it doesn't switch gears it's like just in second gear we're trying to do like 50 miles an hour you can hear it like it's just a piece of shit and it's nighttime we get there we have a nice dinner on our rooftop and it's the only place open everything's closed down because of COVID and everything and all that shit but then keto is 90 90 200 feet in the air above sea level twice as high as Denver so you know in Denver you got a little kooky it's a little winded and you get drunk faster whatever right this is twice

second highest capital in the world behind I don't know fucking Springfield or whatever we get there it's it's 90 200 feet in the air so right away I can't breathe I'm walking up steps I'm like unless you're wearing the mask and so that thing's like sticking to your face and shit can't breathe and then we go up to this rooftop we're looking over and it's just this gorgeous city you see the church and the statue and fucking whatever else the mountains love it and I can't breathe and all of a sudden Sarah's like I'm getting dizzy I gotta sit down she sits down I'm like ah you're probably tired whatever we go back to the hotel and we're sitting there and she's like I gotta tell you I feel like I'm tripping like the wall

the floor is like melty and I'm like ah it'll probably pass uh-oh two minutes later I stand up I fall over I'm like whoa I fall down it's like we're on acid because we got the um it's called AMS American Music Syndrome or something yes mountain it's altitude altitude mountain snake oil whatever the fuck it is it's altitude sickness got it and I tell I said let's just embrace it pretend we're on mushrooms the walls are moving you can't breathe wow it's just wacky because and it says you can get it at 8 000 feet we're 90 200 we didn't even ascend we just landed there from the pressurized airplane holy hell this is heavy so night one we're all whacked out and you know she's got diarrhea the toilets you can't flush toilet paper in South America because they're systems it's all the rods

and cones are all screwed up so you gotta all pipes you gotta put the toilet paper in a little trash barrel so Sarah's got altitude sickness she's got diarrhea we're in a room the size of a shoe box and I just hear and you know she's horrified she's gotta put the toilet paper in a trash barrel I get the shits right after not horrible but just a little bit muddy you know so we got a trash barrel filled with our own shit and whole room stinks the walls are shaken the earth was quaking you know my mind was faking yeah I need some bacon so that's that it's just a crazy time but we adjust eventually we stop getting dizzy what's what's the grub what was the dinner what you eat over there well it wasn't the food wasn't really mind-blowing except one meal it was a lot

of like they have what do you call that what's the thing it's not a hamster but it's a gerbil similar to that now it's similar to gerbil it's a fucking uh it's like it's gonna slur in it it's like oh oh guinea yes yes guinea pig that's it guinea pig guinea pig is like a food almost a raccoon uh it's a guinea pig it's a guinea pig is like a delicatessen there but Ari said he ate it at one point and they leave the head on it so it's like it's got teeth and there's just like a face and and then they got guinea pigs running around in pants you can see the pig yeah it's a little it was i'm not it that's not my seed so no no they're they're they're plumpy too they're hefty little little nazis those kids yeah so and then we had at one place we had like

side of the road a rapist uh yeah we had uh we had a cosme and a Weinstein um the the arapas are they're like uh they made them right in front of us there's like a pancake with chicken and cheese inside it was like a burger that's good yeah it was nice and i had a lot of um a rape apologist just yeah a lot of a lot of soups uh they got fish fish is big there some sopas yeah that's right and um so it was it was good it was exciting but um so then the big thing is i got all kinds of story so i'll jump around a little bit but one of the big things is there you can't drink the water because it's you know we're out in in keto it's okay but we went to this village called Mindo M-I-N-D-O which is this little village uh valley town and they're like don't drink the water but

i'm a new yorker we have the cleanest water i drink out of the faucet all day i don't know about you i'm drinking out of the toilet the shower i just sit there and and gurgle and gargle love a gurg so we're not supposed to drink the water second to last night we're having a fun time we got this beautiful house i'm jumping around here but i make a big pot of tea cook up the tea i don't like to boil my tea because the green tea you're supposed to serve at 175 degrees so i go up that's hot enough it's steaming i anyone else want some tea here and everyone goes ah we're good we don't need any tea i'm like all right suit yourself yeah make a cup of green tea i sit outside i drink it with them we're playing cards we're having a lot of laughs finish the team we're all going to bed

early gotta get up and drive back to keto uh-oh right as all the lights flick out arie's telling some bullshit story and i go oh i got a shit just came on strong yeah i go in the bathroom just revolting diarrhea explosive everywhere we're sharing a house with with you know a couple women and arie yeah and i gotta i wipe my ass it's that yellow it looks like a penalty flag by the time i'm done wiping and i gotta put it in the trash barrel we're sharing a home i go upstairs i'm like that was crazy i don't know what happened there the arapas must have gotten free they're raping my asshole i lay down close my eyes and like a movie my eyes flip open i look at the ceiling and i go i spring up like fucking the mccallisters and i go i made tea out of the

faucet and and you know sarah's sarah's half asleep she's like ah you'll be fine you cooked it and i'm like i want to wake up arie and his partner and go hey what the fuck am i gonna be okay because they had gotten sick previously on their trip from it uh-huh and so i'm going all right i cooked it it's probably fine let me just try to go to bed wake up at 330 go downstairs it's pitch black it's just the sounds of the jungles wow and i'm just shitting my brains out and i'm like okay i'm sure it's fine whatever go upstairs go back to bed we wake up at 5 30 a.m because we're going bird watching at 6 a.m you know when you go on a trip with people and they try to squeeze in one last thing before you leave hate it we go bird watching i'm like all right we'll go watch some

birds and we leave at 5 30 a.m i tell them like i drank the water they'll like take this drug stuff that up your ass hopefully you'll be okay and i'm like i'm feeling all right we go up to the top of this mountain as day breaks we're on top of this mountain up in the andy's it's a it's not a rainforest it's a cloud forest so it rains more consistently doesn't down i don't know some bullshit but uh-huh clouds are rolling in these beautiful canopies wildlife we got a big lesbian construction worker bird watcher oh all three of those things she takes us out there we're looking at the birds everything's fine and dandy then hits me ah i go give me the keys i gotta go because we're walking down the mountain like i gotta go back to the top of the mountain i saw some banyos up there i gotta

go shit that's a restroom uh-huh i grabbed toilet paper i jump in the car i'm driving up this twisty road there's like four foot potholes you're right on the edge it's like 600 feet down and i'm just hitting these potholes and i got a shit i got a shit like it's in my asshole ready to just burst out yes it's a trap door trap door i get up to the top and i get to the banyo i get out of the car slam the door and there's just one of these feral wild dogs it's dogs and you know me i'm afraid of dogs jerry i hate dogs hate a pup i hate their assholes and these are wild dogs i'm afraid of like you know your mother's dog i don't like a dog on a leash let alone just a feral fucking crazy dog and he's got one blue eye and one bloodshot eye he's one of those wolf dogs he's standing between

me and the banyo the pedero between me ombre and the banyo oh my god you should have shit on it i was so scared i almost shit it was like the lowest point of my whole life it was like my childhood i'm missing out on the event because i have to shit because i fucked up there's a scary dog between me and the bathroom it's like a haunted house and i had to just go like shoo shoo i gotta i gotta shit and i'm like kind of like doing like this roundabout thing where i'm trying to walk around the dog and he's just staring at me and i'm trying to go he's not going to attack none of these dogs have attacked that they'd fucking shoot it if he killed somebody whatever right finally i get kind of behind him and i run into the bathroom shut the door i'm just holding

it there's no lock there's no seat on the toilet it's just a bowl and then there's like an open space no window just like a hole where there's bricks yeah and there's not even a trash barrel to throw the toilet paper no toilet paper luckily i had brought some uh-huh so i had to just shit on the rim like the rim of the toilet bowl and just crazy wild shit i'm afraid the dog's gonna hear it and i hear like sniffing around i hear like like roosters and i'm like what am i doing i'm a piece of shit this is crazy there's mosquitoes i'm getting bitten right it's not your fault i mean that you just you act like you're a bad guy here this is i mean you drink the water well i made tea with the water and i'm just lucky no one else drank it uh i got a little

suspicious that one of them saw me doing it and was like eh i just let him learn his lesson oh that would be pretty evil but let me let me ask you this because this is this is all all right aside from the shitting and the the paint in the bowl and the water and the a rape are you kind of like this is an adventure i'm getting my ass eaten by mosquitoes i'm shitting blood i'm in a mountain i'm driving up a hill there's a wild dog i fucking me is it kind of like this is living uh yes well what's happening for sure is i'm like this is good potter this is gonna be a good podcast i'm thinking that for sure if i didn't have the podcast i don't know but to me the living part is being there like we're in a house like you can't believe how beautiful

this house is i posted some photos of the surroundings i mean there's a horse there's a babbling brook you know i got the tinnitus so i usually sleep with my noisemaker on didn't even need it because there's a brook outside just wow and then we had a a station for hummingbirds it's like a sugar water bird feed on these hummingbirds everywhere like six at a time we got all these slo-mo videos of them you can't even believe these so that to me is living i'm like this is wild we're in the jungle literally and there's two cans and and cans you know and it's just beautiful but the shitting is like i wish this wasn't happening for sure i mean and i'm missing out on the bird watching which was stupid but so this part is is scary but yeah there's definitely

some of that of like this so i'll tell my grandkids if i ever you know fucked without a condom on or whatever right but it there's no twitter there's no i gotta put up a story or i gotta do a post it's just like i'm shitting blood i gotta get out of here there's a dog up my face i mean there's a part of you that's kind of or part of me listening like you were in the moment this is all adventurous oh absolutely yeah it was definitely uh yeah it was the most in the moment you can be because i'm like yeah i shit on my pants do i fight a dog do i just lay here and die uh missing the birds but shit there and then we're driving back we had to go back to the house for breakfast the whole time they're eating their last breakfast and and summing up what a great trip it was yeah i'm upstairs

shitting my brains out and then we're driving through the mountains back to keto and like every 30 minutes i gotta be like i gotta shit again sorry i gotta shit again oh you just have that feeling of like i'm the guy ruining the trip because i can't stop shitting but they're so nice and we're going gas station to gas station then this is the last full day in ecuador so we gotta get our tests luckily arie's friend speaks fluent spanish uh-huh so we go into this place it's like a medical place mostly they have the uh the test we gotta get a pcr test that they give you the results in five hours because you have to have it within two days to fly i go in there and just have my last shit just everywhere come out and you know how when you get that diarrhea

there's eventually a shit that feels different after the one the final one you're like i think i feel okay yes yes that was that you got it all out exactly the last of it so then i come out they go yeah we can give you a test they it was the worst test i've ever had fucking both both nostrils all the way back there don't speak any english i'm trying to say like el coward oh nervous oh jams it way up in there i'm like a child like squinching i just finished shitting my brains out but i'll tell you this that moment after getting the test done not shitting for a while you've just exercised all the demons you got all that shit out we went back had a nice dinner chilled out and i felt alive and accomplished yes getting all those shits out and getting the test

negative test the whole thing and now where the hell are you going you're like going to a flight somewhere else i thought you were in ecuador and you're staying in ecuador you can't you take a breather you're still traveling well that was on the way back so that was yesterday i'm still feeling the effect that was uh yesterday or two days ago whatever i had a bad shit today too but anyway so that was somehow i just went into the diarrhea story i don't know how i think you mentioned shitting or something just dove into it but okay now go ahead i just don't know how many places how many places where you at total i'm confused so we went to keto first which is the capital of ecuador okay and we stayed there for we got in at night stayed there the next day we walked

around we went to the basilica which is a old church it's the oldest new gothic church whatever that means a little more on there posted some photos and uh it's a spectacular old church all these buildings and all these countries are so beautiful all these old churches and and temples and and uh what's the muslim one called mosque mosque yes i went to that big one in istanbul before you gotta wear it um so yeah we went to uh the church and we climbed up to the roof which was amazing there's this huge clock tower and i gotta say it was some scary shit i had to face a lot of serious phobias like the the church you you walk up these stairs which is fine because it's like enclosed like one of those old brick things and you keep climbing and climbing and

climbing but then you get to like the steeple or whatever i don't know any terms but the big tower yeah and it becomes like a ladder and you're like you're outside and so you're climbing up this like super vertical ladder and i had so many of these moments on this trip where it's like being a kid i don't know if you ever had this where everyone's doing a thing and you're like i don't want to do that at all but yeah you don't want to be that fucking pussy that's like i can't do that i never wanted to be that guy yeah yeah i mean i had that when my friends would jump off of buildings into pools that was a big thing we did i was petrified every time but i just had to do it yeah you get caught up and you're like all climb this yeah hoping that someone else will be like i don't

really want to do that you're like i won't do it if you're not doing i'll stick with you you know yeah like i don't know how many bar fights you've been in where you're like oh your friends are fighting and you're like i gotta go towards that thing that i'm terrified to do but it's never as bad as you think i mean once you just get it over with it's all right it's usually all right but man it is scary going in well so here's the thing i've been dealing with so we've been home most for the most part for 10 11 months now and i've gotten really into my meditation practice i'm meditating twice a day and now it's you know meetings are much more accessible because of online so i'm doing all this self care in my mind i'm like i'm like this zend out guy now you can't

even phase me wow but i also realize because of this trip a big part of that is because i'm living the easy life over here i'm not really seeing anybody there's no meet and greets there's no pressure doing shows or coming up with material or all the travel you know you're not running into drunks late at night so that makes it a lot easier but this was like i'm at this church and it's like all right you gotta climb this ladder and it's like directly up we're like seven stories in the air outside the wind is blowing and you're climbing this ladder and so i was trying to really focus and use the breath to like get up this fucking ladder and you're on this tower just like this is great and the things a thousand years old and there's birds

flying right over it was i was shitting my pants oh i get it well if your wife does it though you gotta do it you can't have the lady go and you not go oh of course i mean i'll never not do any of these things but i was shitting my own asshole the whole time but that's what they that's the real bravery is being terrified and still doing it the guy who's not scared and does it is just you know that's not brave he's just to be in himself yeah that's uh that's arie hey i want to mention this folks we have another sponsor if you can believe it tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by honey you know about honey i love honey i just heard about it and it's saved my ass online i mean it's basically it fills in promo codes and coupon codes for when

you're trying to buy stuff you have huge savings huge discounts you know you always got to memorize the promo code they go on the web in two seconds and find it and fill in for you it's pretty genius i don't know how this hasn't existed before and yeah go ahead and save some money i bought some stuff but uh i bought some booze on the on the internet and they they hooked me up so get on it honey folks yes honey folks that's right we all shop online and having a promo code ready to go is tough but thanks to honey i don't have to search for codes anymore honey is free is the free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes if you don't already have honey you could be straight up missing out on free savings it's literally free and installs in a few seconds and by getting it

you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting this podcast get honey for free at join honey dot com slash Tuesdays that's join honey dot com slash Tuesdays yes do it folks get on it save some cash and uh why not it's it's free it's a free service so get get going yeah um i gotta say this big in a fear the biggest biggest hurdle of my life was uh did you ever had a did you have a water park in uh Whitman not in Whitman but uh i've been to a water park or two okay well we we didn't have one in New Orleans but we had one in Baton Rouge and it was a big deal it's called Blue Bayou and you know they had the the black moccasin and the wet willy and all these crazy slides but one of them was called the Lafitte's plunge and it was like eight million miles in

the air and it just it looked like it just went straight down and the big the big thing was like you get some air you're in the middle of you come off the slide a little and they're all high five in and smoking cigarettes and i'm like oh god i'm trembling up there and i'm standing up there for like 20 minutes with the douchey lifeguard with the white nose and the whistle and i'm like i can't do it man i can't i was like eight and he's like oh you make me sick i got eight-year-old girls going down this thing and like some kid with floaties would go whoo and right down i was like i just can't do it man i can't i'm making friends with this guy we shared a cigarette and some stories and it took me like three hours but i did it i have the exact same experience ours was called

geronimo that was the big thing and it was water country same thing the fucking straight down and everyone said you could come off you come off it and i remember being petrified and like i can't do that and that one at that age i was like there's no chance in hell i'm going up there fuck you which even that takes courage at that age to be like no way if i call me a fag throw me down the stairs i'm not i hate geronimo it's a cultural appropriation whatever it's problematic now you can't have that yeah so i feel you it was horrifying to me so i had a few of those in the did you do it equador the geronimo i don't think i ever did but you can't go back down those stairs you got to go back down and go excuse me everybody's going past you on the way up well you know and you're

like ah i'm the guy going the wrong way no i never went up to that one but i i have i've probably talked about it before i have the most defining moment of my life was i chickened out on space mountain in 1991 october 91 i was nine what my family has never forgiven me they still fuck with me it's like the the most defining moment of my life i dealt with it in ecuador even wow what is space but i never my parents wouldn't take me anywhere but what what is that it's a roller coaster and at fucking mgm studio or disney world i think whatever one of those disney things and it's like they're yeah it's their signature roller coaster in orlando and we went there in october 91 i i still have nightmares about it and we went and i was all excited and i had my mother my aunt da and they were

you know thick ladies and i was a boy i wanted to sit between them i was like i'll have these two squishy ladies on either side of me and i'll be protected because i still to this day i like roller coasters but i hate being on the inside when it turns like this it just feels like you're you're gonna hit your head they make the poles low and i just hate i feel like i'm gonna fall out still as a 38 year old american standing on the face of the moon so um i got there and space mountain the thing was we waited in line and i was talking the whole time going down there was like i can't wait for space mountain i'm gonna ride and it's gonna be amazing and we got there and it sat single file there was no one you know either side you had a single seat and i couldn't

go on not sitting next to these ladies i wanted some squishy heavy ladies on either side of me to protect me yeah they weren't there i needed some airbags and so i said i can't go i chickened out and they shamed me they all shamed me i had to walk back the thing through and i was like this little kid with mickey mouse ears and a fake dick and i had to walk by everybody oh they all gave me shit i tried to do a joke about this years later because they'll still go remember you chickened out on space mountain and i'm like remember you chickened out on life you weren't sears i'm like i've been to iraq i've been on a blackhawk helicopter in a war zone i fucking i've walked around in an active war zone i've been to 28 countries i went to machu pichu i i fucking

i've been on every roller coaster since you guys haven't been on a roller coaster since the 70s i chickened out when i was nine and you followed your dream you moved to new york you got herpes you went to to the catcher rising star you got on letterman and all this shit you know you did that where where they're sitting in a condo in uh brain tree right now exactly exactly i'm like i i went on the i was on the tonight's show do you have any idea what it's like to be on tv you fuck so yeah good point good point got some resentments there and uh i try to do it as a bit and it's insulting to the audience they're like i work at sears fuck you you bag but here's the thing though with that space mountain those those two menopausal big titted cunts is that

that shame though is what's it it drives you like yeah it's scary to ride that ride and i totally get it but just knowing the bullshit you're gonna have to deal with if you don't is almost motivating enough to get me on that seat well okay so this leads great into my final store i got so many more but i'll have to save her for next week will tease because the most epic thing i'll have to say for next week i'm afraid to say it because it's an epic story and i feel like me arie and sarah will all have our own versions on different podcasts but right but this one so we're going hiking the first day so oh i didn't get to answer your question i guess we landed in in keto ecuador then the next we spent a day in keto walked up the

stairs at the thing the ladder which was scary oh yeah and i had to keep facing all these dogs everywhere there's all these feral dogs which i remember from peru it's so scary to me and and then when someone else gets afraid every once in a while like i already be like shit this fucking and i'm like oh my god you're afraid right so we went to mean though ecuador which is like this little village town we had an air bnb in the middle of the jungle it was like spectacular wooden house beautiful and just gorgeous most gorgeous house have ever been to hummingbirds up the ass you know all kinds of crazy sounds just you can't even believe it i posted a ton of pictures yes so the first day we're in there the next morning we go out hiking there's this big hike

we're gonna go check out we walk we missed the turn we're walking up this road and then we're like oh no it's back this way so then we get to this little park with this big ski lift rig and i'm like god i'm not getting on that i can tell you that and ari's friend just goes yeah we're gonna take this to the hike and i go come on are you serious and it's like first of all you don't know what regulations there are i'll have to post some pictures and videos but it's like a ski lift which i've never gone skiing in my life because i'm too terrified of the lift i can't my feet dangling on a chair it's suspended it's just crazy you're a mile in the fucking air yeah i get it the ski lift is scary enough but that is no regulation is what's freaky

it's insane and it's just like a lady like smoking a cigarette she's fat her tits are out she's feeding a kid she's got tattoos on her face and we're in middle of the jungle i mean literally we're in the cloud city or whatever the fucking lando calrissians the bodyguard it's just it's just nuts so i'm like are you serious i'm like we can't walk there like we can drive there and i'm like no that might be nice i'm trying to like do the subtle like drives are fun i think yeah yeah but you know you gotta just go along i can't be the grown man being like i'm sorry i can't do it and i'm looking at it and it just goes straight up in the air it's like a 70 degree angle to the top of the mountain and i'm like okay fuck and they explain there's like these little two

cedars where your feet dangle off the thing then the lady says there's a cabana that seats four and there's four of us so i'm like hey that sounds cool it might be fun to all be together because it just sounds bigger so i'm like that might be fun and they're like no we don't want to wait because the cabana is on the other end of the the line so we gotta wait for it to come down but then they have the dog so they're like ah the dog might want to jump and be let's get the the cabana it brought the dog oh yeah the dog is down there band it's there oh my god so by the way i think the dog hates him he must be like can we just hang in a backyard he's going on like eight mile hikes and shit exactly this is cruel and what is it a support dog it's saying

it's a little shit too you've seen it oh yeah that is a little pipsqueak twat pup so you're talking about arie all right um so sorry i'll make this as quick as possible so they're like all right we'll get the cabana which is like i'm like all right that'll be big it's probably enclosed whatever so like it sounds nice we're gonna be six minutes say six beneath those or whatever so we're like okay great so now i'm just like sitting in it i'm sitting in this anxiety and they fire it up to like bring those two cars out and then make the cabana and it's like this uh rickety it's this big rickety wheel it just sounds like and it just goes straight up into the sky into the mountain and you're like okay and i'm sitting there doing breathing exercises literally i'm like doing these

like straw breathing square breathing they call it and i'm just meditating and you know arie's like laughing he thinks it's like funny and i'm like i'll be fine whatever it's i'm sure it's safe whatever so i'm just sitting there in hell for six minutes it comes down and the cabana it just looks like the same thing it's just two seats facing each other there's a floor but it's not a floor it's like a grate you can see through oh god again it's not great it's a see-through great grated cheese and so i'm trying to just be cool i'm like all right whatever it'll be fine sit down i'm like looking at and then when you sit it like it's suspended so it starts rocking right away it's like and i'm like oh it's like getting on a boat yeah which i love i have no

boat fear i have no airplane fear but the outside there's no it's not it's not enclosed at all i'll send you photos please and so i sit down i'm like okay i'll be all right and sarah sits across from me i'm just like staring at her tits the whole time imagining coming on them sure and um so we start going up the dog is making me nervous because the dog's moving around and jumping the dog's like what the fuck are we doing he doesn't want to go on this thing i'm with the dog so i'm nervous because i'm afraid the dog's gonna jump out what the fuck i get into my zen breathing and i have this moment of like i'm fine this is fine then i start looking around i'm like this is spectacular just relax where's the joy it's not gonna fall if it does fall we're dead you can't do anything about

it yeah so now i got a breeze going everyone's very respectful no one's like doing the rock thing which seems like something i would do yeah he's cool i'm staring at sarah we have a couple laughs now we're getting a little bit higher it's nerve-wracking but whatever the the view is just spectacular it's the andy's mountains cloud forest you can't even believe how beautiful it is that's lunch we get to the top of the mountain i'm staring at sarah because now we're at the the highest we're gonna go yeah i'm looking at her and i just hear holy shit from ari i go why why why why what he goes we're not even close to finish i look to my right it's a huge valley the ride goes another three miles we're like a fifth of the way through mark three miles it's like

i don't know if it's three miles but it's way the fuck you can't even see it like i swear to god you can't see the other end and it just drops it's like a valley i thought we were going like right there like a couple hundred yards away but like straight up yeah we're like in it for the long haul so i get hit with like a bucket of panic i'm like are you fucking kidding me i'm like there's no way i would have done this no way if they show me a video or photo i'd be like ah fuck you guys do whatever you want i'll have a nice time back here yeah just and it opens up the floor drops out we got the stats after we're 590 feet above the forest oh my lord and the city is already 9 000 feet up well minnow is lower so we're well like 7 000 feet above sea level

we're 550 feet above the ground it's a great so you can just see right through the bottom the wind is blowing it's like breezy up there we're just suspended and it just goes forever and each time you hit a new level it goes across like the pole so it goes like oh and then i left this part out the lady right as we're leaving says to ari's friend don't be thrown if it stops because it just means someone's getting on on the other end so we're right in the middle of the thing it stops cold oh it's just stop there we're just suspended and i'm like are you kidding me and i'm having like ocd intrusive thoughts of like diving off because you just want to get out of there yes and i'm having this idea of like unbuckling and just jumping off so that's freaking me out and

i'm having like a fucking panic attack up here uh they're all freaked out too and then there's this equidorean group on the other side because it comes both ways and i can hear them laughing they're having a great time they're like oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh vamos yeah and i'm like oh my god i wanted to kill myself up there uh i'm shaking like a leaf oh what a nightmare it's wild and it just goes and goes it's literally a 30 minute ride to the other side finally we get there clean jesus and then there's a second one we have to go to like another cable car this one is like more enclosed it has a floor and walls so i'm like all right this one won't be so bad and it's shorter this one though we get on it it just goes like a missile it shoots

across it's like 30 miles an hour oh wow it's like and that one was pretty fun and exciting but still pants shitting yes we get to the other side we do a long huge hike like a four hour hike beautiful waterfall after waterfall just like these unbelievable waterfalls spectacular hike steamy one of the coolest hikes i've ever done in my life but we had to take that fucking thing back again the long one which i shit my pants all over again and this time we stopped for longer like dead stop and it's raining on the way back it's just it's just raining and you're you're fucking 500 feet above the the forest yeah and uh it was scariest fuck but once we got through i started to like embrace it and just look around i managed to look down and be like wow this is a mate like

you're just up in the sky literally out in the open above the andes the cloud forest fuck my ass come on my dad's tits it was pretty spectacular man i was on the edge of my ass that was i squirted that was bananas i felt like i was there that let me just say this about you and then i know we got to get out of here everything evens out i always say things even out people even out cosby is a buttoned up sweater wearing jello hawking rapist he evens out you you're scared of the ice caps you're worried you're your dad's gay you got cancer you're freaking out all the time but yet you'll still go nuts i mean how many people who've called you a pussy would even think about going to keto or ecuador or mingo or whatever the fuck well i had that moment of like i am

doing it i'm shitting my pants but i'm up here and like i was telling louis the story he's like i would not in any circumstance do that i wouldn't do that for ten million dollars he's like i don't even want you to tell me the story anymore stop telling the story uh he's like i'm gonna throw up i don't like hearing about it so there is that feeling of like yeah but i'm doing it i feel that way with the dentist too i'm like i'm shitting my pants i got a heart on i you know i spit come in my own face for fun but i go like a lot of people just don't ever go to the dentist ever so right i do it i just get really scared yeah no but you did it i mean just the flight alone and the testing and the the the hikes and the the shitting that would just turn me off like

ah it seems like a lot of work but you did it yeah we did it and like i said i gotta tease it because i got an epic wild tale that happened uh it was a real a real caper we had to pull off all of us so i'll tease that and that involves some serious fear too so go on capernick um i'm in that count it i'm grateful to be back anyways what are you doing where you're gonna be this is way too long i'm sorry all right wow this was one of those epic uh epic eps epic soads uh this weekend i'm in raleigh but i think it's sold out that i'm in cincinati funny bone and i'm back at adison improv in dallas and uh all my shits on my website i've got my shit together and and put everything up uh instagram twitter check out the patreon get on it folks we got all kinds of goodies

and uh yeah yeah say hello buy some merch on t public and uh fuck your dad thank you yeah hell yeah and uh i got sidesplitters coming up march 18 19 and 20 and uh that's gonna be fun you're not gonna want to miss that one there might be some special guests coming along oh boy oh boy yeah so get get your tickets you'll you'll see some great great comedy i'm excited about that and do that and check out mindful metal jacket i interviewed this lady kathryn price how to break up with your phone and uh i think i mentioned it she was really funny and a reverent and um it's on my youtube so go subscribe to my youtube and uh and check that out and march 18 through the 20th sidesplitters tampa get your tickets yeah you're gonna that's gonna be so fun i mean i was

there in new years it's one of the best clubs they run it great it's it's again it's like key west when you get there you're like ah i just feel alive again and uh it's fun i'm looking forward to it yeah so and i i think there'll be some others with me so come now oh boy oh boy hey you can't miss that folks that's gonna be a treat so yeah tell everybody go gay kiss your uh your uncle blow your mom and braze all up