Tuesdays with Stories! - #392 Terminal Dildo

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

Kooky ep this week folks as Mark has a weird ride back from Jersey with Joe Machi before getting double locked out of his apartment while Joe heads to Austin before giving all his money to the less fortunate. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: Feals CBD (feals.com/tuesdays), Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays), & Express VPN (expressvpn.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy this is it folks it's Tuesday you're a Tuesday and it's time to play podcast that felt like well I pause cuz I think there's gonna be like music it felt like

oh go ahead that song that jeopardy was invented by Merv Griffin and he wrote that song yes and it's exactly 30 seconds long I think I think we've had this exact dialogue but I might be wrong and if somebody's and everyone's upset I'm just trying to protect you guys from here in the same fucking you know shit twice you mean well I mean very well and but that's always that means you did something bad when someone's like well you mean well yeah yeah but I don't think you did anything bad I just think yeah you literally meant you're trying to help I'm just trying to help and a lot of people you know think I

stink but that's alright you know that's all smells the same my shit stinks I'll admit it I had a real you ever have this we you have the diarrhea feel like you have that lower abdomen like oh shit and it's like a regular shit I'm sure I've had that it doesn't doesn't ring an anal doesn't ring a smell but I'm sure I've had it I had one of those jog to the toilet stomach hearts here it comes this is gonna be a mess and that was just like a nice missile and I was like all right you fooled me you fooled me Jerry nothing better than the missile just a then you wipe there's nothing on the paper it's like man my asshole and shit

worked perfectly together on that and and killed it yeah I was like it's like a balloon animal when they do that feels like it kind of comes that's like a nice balloon animal shit right somebody had a who was some lady had a great bit about how every time she takes a big big brown turd she thinks oh so I could take one yeah but I think I got a question your police work there because it's it's meant to shoot out you the whole system is sliding out you're going against the grain not offensively I don't know if that's coming off bad but well you talk about brown and policing it's you know it's slipping out but again it's if you go

the other way it's like one of those remember when now that doesn't make sense but fuck the analogy do you remember those cars where it was like a zip you pulled it and it went yes it was like a zipline but that's different than a zipline do you know I'm talking about I know you're talking about it had teeth on it and it kind of right yeah that it charged it up yeah the teeth I was thinking the teeth but it's a bad analogy because you did put that back in and pull it out true true yeah but you know you ever put your finger in a in a like a ketchup or something and then you try to pull the finger out it hurts

you're like ah but it could go in so easy it's like a Venus fly to know what's the what are the finger traps Japanese Japanese or Chinese Chinese I confuse every race that's not mine yeah Wuhan Hong Kong I don't know I just watched the Bruce Lee doc he's Chinese yeah I didn't care for it I thought it was boring as my ass I mean he did a lot I mean the guy was pretty impressive but yeah maybe it wasn't that exciting well he's good I only watched about 10 minutes I was at a friend's house it was Sarah and I and a buddy and I was like oh the fucking put on moves like water because I like the name it seems like something and then we

put it on and like within 30 seconds they both dozed and it just felt like there was like stock footage of like Hong Kong and it was like one of those like and just weird black and white footage and the chatting I was like this stinks yeah yeah it picks up you know he's the green hornet he's Asian he's fighting it picks up a little but it did drag for a movie about a guy who's quicker than water and and fast on his feet it was a little slow yeah I didn't I didn't watch the whole thing so maybe I don't know someone might be upset with me but I couldn't get through it everyone but don't you hate when you recommend something and

everyone starts dropping like flies everyone falls asleep you take it personal oh the worst the worst what if you you go hey we all got to eat here then we all eat there and the food soggy and the waitress is a cunt brutal it's the worst I just had a habit we tried to watch you man have you watched I had the lady with me we got through 11 seconds and she started fingering herself with a candlestick we had a boredom we horrible clue game by the way we started me and Sarah and her mother and I was like let's watch this I don't know you were born in the 40s it's from the 40s or whatever and then her mother was there

too and so we put on mank and it wasn't even a fall asleep it was like a go to sleep you know when they're like get the blanket and put the knees up like this blanket and I'm like well that's not even you're not even falling asleep you're literally deciding to go to bed yeah what is it because the first one's black and white it's set in 1908 or whatever the hell and it's just so slow with the dialogue and you don't care about anybody I I couldn't get the lady to get two seconds into that I like some of it I mean it was fun I like old men he's an old he's an old man isn't that funny old man he used to not be but now he is yeah

it's life but I was interested we got about halfway through and I felt like I had to say hey we can change it but you do feel the hatred everybody hates me I'm a piece of shit and I'm like I just I never saw it I haven't seen it I don't know but yeah and I feel like now especially with the pandem all the recommendations are flying in so you got to be on with your Rex now because some people wreck shit I'm like well since he wrecked it no thank you right oh yeah there's plenty of that I got a couple of people that 90% of the wrecks are shit yeah yeah yeah it happens I'll tell you what though I watched the Bruce Lee dock

on a flight to Texas and I forgot my headphones so you're like all right I guess I got to watch a movie so that's why I watched it that's how I got through it because I was on a plane and B I couldn't listen to my phone yeah that's tough but it does feel nice to sit back and watch a flick doesn't I mean true podcast is good music's cool but just throwing it up there the flick ends and you're halfway there it's a nice feeling by the way I think we were like strangers in my wife or what's that called ships in the night ships in the night yeah what is it is it clips in the night something like that but yeah

you're right it's ships of the night yeah I think ships in the night but you I was in Texas I'm gonna talk about Texas now you're in Texas we just missed each other I'm gonna tell all these Texas stories while you're in Texas it's really oh yeah well I got nothing nothing about Texas so you fill the Texas gap and I got other shit who Texas gap good porn is gap a word for pussy I feel like it is but maybe it's not I don't think gash and then G spot I don't know about gap though gap isn't bad why not gap there's a thigh gap it's thigh gap but a gap I mean there's a whole a gap gaping hole oh yeah this great American pussy and then

is WAP and FAP what's FAP that's like they that's what you call jerk in it FAP because it sounds like fat fat fat fat fat no kidding yeah wait was oh I was at speaking to Texas I was in Texas with Sarah and her family and we were at a party and her nieces were there and somebody said you know there's not that many words for vagina there's not as many words and I was like I said what are you kidding and then I started to list them but she's got an 11 year old niece and a 12 year old niece but I'm like you know cunt twat squish vage VJJ vagina VGG pussy snatch gash hatchet wound honeypot

moose knuckle camel toe man in the boat cunt again right coos clam clams nice pink cooter coochie do the pink one on the stick I know it was yelling at their radio right now I know what did we do twat yeah I said twat cock gobbler gap is a new one yeah hole hole yeah so anyways that's gonna be 20 we just named right at the top of my tits and then you get all weird like you can do dick and it's like purple headed yogurt slinger all this shit we're like alright alright how many of these we doing like a one word or two word yeah there's a bunch but anywho it was it's one of those weird moments where you're like you want to

fight for something but then you're like it's inappropriate but I came really close and just looks creepy because you forget you're an uncle till like you're in law like to me I'm an uncle to my sister's kids right then you forget like your wife has a niece and nephew so I'm like their uncle which is weird I feel no connection to them but I wanted to tell them all the words for pussies but yeah that is weird you're their uncle too and you don't even know him you don't have any blood no I don't care if they die it's a weird feeling who needs them but but anyways what do you think of this I touched on this in the patreon so the

real fans are gonna heads up on this one so you know me I was down in Austin no luck on the rogue and he was overbooked everyone people were tweeting at him and by the way don't people like tweeting at him like hey you piece of shit it reflects bad on me leave the man alone yeah it doesn't look good he's like oh he equates you with annoying I know so so I appreciate you trying to help but my god people are like yeah you fat-headed piece of shit you got a small dick if you don't have list on but well I will do it another time anyways but so I went down there and you know me I love Austin and I'm a basic bitch I really love

South Congress there I love Magnolia sure as you know I love the case so I love the shopping I like the boots I like to pick up the boots and say this one's for grand I keep still going what's not to love it's a lot of fun they got the kitschy stuff there's little Mexican dolls with the skeleton face which is fun can I ask this are you into day of the dead face paint because that's like my thing I think that is your thing I'm way into it I want to fuck a girl with a skull face and that weird the big white eyes and the black I've googled I'm not a big porn guy but I've looked up Donna the dead or day of the dead or whatever

the fuck porn I've I'm like it it looks cool I can respect that hey that's a fun-looking face a blackface there but I'm not into it I don't find it a turn on I think anything is a turn on to me at this point you know I get older that's not good you just I mean within reason I don't want to see you know a rabbit fist quadriplegic or something but I would but I'm just saying you're an uncle now so you got to be careful yeah you know within the law within the not anything I mean most things are not attracted to me I guess but I guess the point is Donna the dead or day of the dead by the way evidently the most

controversial thing I've ever said in this podcast is that a foot fetish comes from exploring all other options you get down to feet I mean I got 300 emails being like I've been into feet since I was six you piece of shit yeah yeah I got a couple of those too I don't get it but boy people are passionate about that hoof yeah I mean I like I like a foot I don't know I'm not I'm not one to shame but I'm not jerking off to it could you jerk off to a foot I can jerk off on one or sniff one maybe but no jerking off to a foot there's so many other parts give me a twat a clam a bush a beaver beaver oh yeah those are all pretty

similar parts you just named though I have to say tits butt back waist thighs I like a clavicle I like a shoulder I like a neck I like a nip a stomach a nip a slope I'm sorry wrong wrong category but um is that Carlin what's that oh he does the whole thing where he lists all the racial slurs and that was that was in there oh that's fun now you could you could do that he's got a street named after him isn't that crazy I love it so cool and I also love how like these super woke people like adopted car like he's our guy I'm like are you kidding he said feminists are come catchers yeah he called Eddie Murphy and yeah prior

the Edward and yeah that's a whole other situation but so I apologize to the foot fetish out there I was just a shot in the dark I'm not a scientist over here what am I in a fucking Dr. Ruth over here I don't know what I'm saying it's always weird but anyways like last week was a much more controversial episode that I thought people were mad about the chili peppers people are mad about the homeless guys that were aggressive to me in Ecuador the foot thing I mean I really I was like I was Alex Jones last week well we could use the numbers god damn it but yeah we say crazier shit than him what the hell but I think we're

obviously joking and he's not right I think that's the thing and anyways that guy stinks but I went to South Congress went shopping and it was me and Sarah and her sister and how do you feel about this I threw down a challenge because well you know we're all here to shop we're all getting out of pandemic we're all traumatized the whole thing and I said I stopped the ladies I grabbed him by the tit and I said let's spend a thousand dollars on South Congress Avenue what do you say come on the three of us we go crazy we're pumping money into the economy we're all sad you don't like it you're going nuts man you you got a real

money fetish that's your fetish but I haven't left the house I haven't spent any money I've been home this whole time I have about a $900 paperback I haven't got to that yet that's only the patrons that was my contribution to the thousand the thousand bucks oh okay I get it so that was all in the same trip but I've been sitting here on my fucking asshole I mean we've been you know we went to shelter either we went to Maine we went to Seattle we went to Marfa we went quite a few places but this whole year we haven't been buying plane tickets I haven't been eating out I haven't you know fucked my dad in a while so I

haven't been buying too much and I don't buy clothes I'm wearing you know free comedy work shirt you know I don't buy a lot of stuff you got yeah fucking nine apartments you live in Manhattan you got a car another car a bike I mean you got payments I got nothing we got a sweet deal in an apartment I got my my fucking used car that was the previous most controversial thing I ever did but you $700 of new balance twice well that was an accident but I'm using it in fact I just remember I got a shitty pair they're all beat up and I got a full fresh pair so that's not too kooky so I went there and we were gonna spend some

money we're going shopping I said fuck it let's just try to spend a thousand bucks by the way they were not enthusiastic they were like alright yeah whatever you those tolamashes they're not they're not the rowdiest now they don't get too rowdy but as I talked about on the patreon you alluded to it I bought a first-edition Lyndon Johnson's book signed by LBJ I mean he's dead RIP LBJ yeah that's true holy hell but signed is big he's a president but you're turning into like a dad now you're becoming the war guy like a buff the history buff that's fun I want to be a buff Biff wants to be a buff but I bought that so that was my

contribution I bought that and I bought a nice South Congress Austin the bats posters like a pink lithograph I don't know what that means and I bought a nice gift for somebody else and then Sarah bought a pair of what do you call it the old shit a pair of pants that's old panties vintage vintage she got some vintage pants which are not cheap by the way you think they would be cheap now these guys are crooks they go to thrift stores they yank these pants off the shelf they throw a $700 price tag on that puppy and put it in the front window well that's what she did and then we bought some soaps and then her sister

bought some blue block of some sunglasses and a book herself we we got pretty close I have to say but we didn't we didn't get to the thousand dollar mark but isn't that service aren't we heroes for going to a city in a pandemic and spending some money throwing the cash around yeah I guess that's one way to look at I remember when some bad shit happened with the with the recession Obama was like go out there go to the mall go to the dinner go to the the whorehouse whatever it is and spend yeah same after 9-11 that's kind of our answer to everything 9-11 yeah same thing Bush came out and he said don't

worry about me I'm gonna bomb a few thousand people and you guys go to the mall and everyone did everyone played their part yeah and and you get a little you get some socks and an iPad and a pocket protector so it's it's fun for everybody yeah well I guess I don't know I'll be I'll be careful moving forward but it was exciting and I do feel everyone keeps saying it it's gonna be like the roaring 20s we're coming out of it everyone I know is vaccinated I got a heart on and it's gonna be time but as I texted you we forgot all the shitty things that are gonna come back right right the fucking traffic the long

lines are you right I went at the airport for half an hour get into that fucking mouse maze they call a security line it's brutal I went to Starbucks the other day there's 48 people in there ever this it's filled and then yeah the airport the security line was long and we forgot all these things because we really like oh I haven't seen family I haven't been movies I miss my steam room I miss you know blowing guys and dumpsters but there's gonna be traffic parking is gonna suck people that can't get this suitcase out of the fucking thing right that shit is coming back

brutally you know it'd be nice if we racked up some miles they should give you more miles if you travel during a pandemic it should be double the miles yeah well some might have the exact opposite ah good point good boy can you do somebody said to me the other thing was Jay Nog who's a Tuesday ah he said well he read but he was my source that will actually have a harder time readjusting to what was normal are readjusting than we did to adjusting to pandemic wow he's got say I think we'll do it but I think you're right it's gonna be it's almost like building the muscles back it's gonna take some time

because adjusting to a pandemic you lose things you don't go to work you don't go to comedy shows you don't go to the movies so it's easier to just sit back now we're going back to the office back to the movies back to the traffic you're right it's gonna be hard I've already had the moment where my agent called and he's like I got this date and I'm like fuck the week before I'm in Des Moines then I'm in Kansas City I'll have to come back but three and it gave me like an anxiety attack looking at it like we're gonna be you've been working for a little bit now but I'm like I'm not ready to go back to gone three days

home four days gone two days it's it's it's scary I like being home I like to feel nestled yes nestles good Nestle crunch well speaking of going out I did a gig I got to start saying no I really do I say that every two weeks but you remember with the seller it was me you Andy Haynes Ron on Vita Rosebud we're hanging out is a great great hang and I go I gotta go to Jersey yeah everybody's like what do you create you're here at the club do a set I'm like I gotta go I gotta go to Long Island not the Long Island what is it a Penn Station and go to Jersey like a psycho yeah it was rough because we lost you but we had that

was like amazing to me I wanted to just jerk off all over the chalk because it was so excited people kept coming in one at a time you came in that beater came in and it was like heroic Griffin and yeah it was awesome but yeah you went to Jersey no good well it was one of these hey we sold out a show and we were like let's add another one we had another show that was the mistake because here's my thing about the road gigs these Jersey out of town gigs is there's no way home fatty you know if you got a car that's one thing but they go hey they just want to get you out there get you on that stage and get some drinks in you

and then they're done with you I'm like how am I getting back to the state I just came from hey that's up to you figure it out dickless so right here's the clinker we do first show is amazing it sold out second show we probably had like eight people there and we shouldn't have added it they hated us we all bombed me and Mackie and a couple other guys already Foucault was on the show and I'm like I guess I got to get the train back and is it still running I don't know can someone give me a ride to the station maybe I'll Uber to the station it's like one in the morning at this point so Mackie being the sink that he is goes you

know what I like hanging out I'll drive you so he drove me another comedian back which was a huge gift I mean you know what it's like to be strapped I don't even know what town I mean it's like Henderson or Dixburg or whatever it is and you're like I don't know where I am I don't know what train to get on what am I doing he brought us back it was like an hour drive we get back the guy in the front I'm not gonna say his name he gets out we drop him off first so then I go in the front seat talking to Mackie we're bullshitting and I go uh-oh his phone the guy left his phone in the car so Mackie's like shit I don't know what

what apartment he is like I just dropped him off on 44th Street I don't know what building he went into he just got out and I was like fuck we can't call them can't email them so he's like I'm gonna bring you home and then I'll go back up and try to find it I was like all right so then he's bringing me home I get out now here's the clinker it's two in the morning it's on a Wednesday in New York City during a pandemic no one on the street a tumbleweed goes by and it's like that Chappelle jigger crackhead climbs up a tree you know there's a prostitute with a dick and right when I get out of the car he drops me off a

block away from my apartment one guy goes yo yo yo man yo man I'm like I'm good I'm good just a homeless guy he starts chasing me so I start running then another guy sees me and he's like yo yo my man let me get some change and he starts now I got two hobos chasing me so then I'm running and I've grown up my keys I realize forgot my headphones in Mackie's car what kind of car is this like a black hole this is horrible I know it's one of these low seat low riders if you get in all your shit falls out of your pie it's like a bully turns you upside down the chains falls out so I need these headphones you know me I got

a bit about I can't live without a headphone so I call Mackie and I go Mackie you got to turn around and give me my headphones I'm so sorry now he's got my headphones he's got the other guy's phone so I go me on McDougal Street I'll meet you in front of the cellar I go to the McDougal Street it's just ray ray well what's the word rabid rabid with hobos they're like cockroaches oh boy sure I'll get shit for that but they're all out and about and luckily a cop is like patrolling the area going by every couple minutes so they like they swarmed towards me and the cop goes by and they back off so I'm like where the

hell's Mackie where the hell's Mackie finally I notice that there's two garbage cans blocking McDougal Street I guess they don't want cars going up and down it for some reason a pandemic I don't know so I turn my back for one second Mackie pulls up I turned around he's moving he got out of the car he's moving the garbage cans I guess I'm like no no no don't move them so I run over to Mackie and this guy in a garbage truck goes what the hell are you doing don't move those we put those there it was a whole thing and I got the headphones and Mackie got out of there but a stressful night got home in like 215 and got to

start saying no oh my god first of all how proud of Mackie how bold to get out and move a trash can I you could throw like an egg carton in a street I'd be like turn around we got to go a different way there's something going on here I have no ability to be like well we better I could just move it I've always been blown away by those guys and Mackie doesn't strike me as one of those guys so maybe he's seeing some kind of therapy or some kind of something he's in recovery I think because that is bold to get out and just move a garbage can well he's such a good friend and he was like oh a bunch of scamps or or tiddly

winks or ne'er-do-wells put these these garbage cans in the street to fuck with the adults so he was like oh these kids again so he got out and moved them thinking it was the right thing to do and he was just trying to get to the seller because he knew I was there and so he was just trying to be a good friend but then he got yelled at by a bunch of garbage men well he's a good man he's first class all the way that Joe class and one of the best comedians ever oh so funny kill had set of the night went up to 44 just walked up and down 44 till he found the building gave it to him did it went home wow good man you gotta be

careful those garbage guys cuz at least they used to be I don't know what happens now but they were mob guys back in the day not these guys didn't seem very mobby maybe mob deep ah yes clear I had an incident a I mean this isn't much of a story but I was walking in a story here and there was a guy in like a Cadillac and he was driving on the sidewalk like fully on the sidewalk two guys and but there's like a car what do you call mechanic or something on that block so there was kind of cars like a business where there's like cars parked on the sidewalk because it's a mechanic and he

must have maybe he just got his car fixed and it was blocked I don't know but we were walking and he was driving up the sidewalk and of course my instinct is always like this fucking piece of shit driving on the sidewalk and I kind of made a face and as I looked over I made eye contact and he had a big scary look and I thought like wow what if I was one of those guys that was like hey what is this you're on the sidewalk you fuck trying to be whatever yeah and the guy is you know Tony Baloney the fucking mob boss and he just makes an example I mean beats me to death so it was a split second yeah that moment of being like

hey get out of here you fucking douche and then he's like I'll show you and his name is Billy Knuckles or whatever he beats right yeah you never know I always see people interact with other people like how did that guy not get beat up all the time I've thought that for years about comics certain comics in the city would just have these snapsets and I'm like do you know how to fight what are you doing like that right that's a real person he could just fucking beat the shit out of you yeah even like somebody else you guys shoulder check another guy and the guys like watch where you're going the other guys go sorry

I'm like you do that to the wrong guy and he'll knock the fuck out of you yeah it's a it's a scary world that's why I don't leave my house except during the day to buy old books yeah get some old books some some vapor rub whatever you got to do so speaking of hobos we had another one of the we had another grifter attempt oh boy so I don't know you know it's getting wild out here in Manhattan but I don't know if you remember a couple months back when the pandemic was just getting bubbled up this guy bumped into the lady with a fucking sandwich and dropped it and pulled the whole oh that was a $48

hoagie you cunt what are you doing to me she was like okay here's 50 keep the change sir so that was that pissed me off that was like a few months ago we're walking down the street last week lady walks by leftovers bumps into the gal whoa leftovers go flying it's a bunch of rice and chicken and salad and I was like oh my god what's going on here and she goes oh my god honey I'm so sorry honey I'm so sorry kept called her honey and then you know my gal's like oh my god are you okay did I was at my fault I'm so sorry oh can we help you and she goes we look at the leftovers it's ruined it's all dirty it's filthy the

chicken bones got you know horseshit and pigeon feathers on it and she goes oh it's one of these gals it's one of these grifters and I go keep it moving keep it moving and the lady's like honey honey can I just ask you for a favor I was so hungry oh my god this is all my only lunch and we see all these scars on her face and shit and she's a clearly like a druggy methie kind of gal and we just like no thank you we keep and she follows us we're like we're good we're good we know the move we know the grift we're not idiots a couple go go trick a couple other hay seeds and she eventually left but it wasn't pretty yeah I

guess that's the best move is I'm familiar I got yes which is you know that's like the worst thing you could do I'm equating grifters and comedians because it feels like we have a lot in common but if you're doing a bit and someone's like yeah yep I know where it's going I got it got it I mean what could be more brutal than that so I think a grifter they might not have the feelings that comedians have I don't know how it works but I do feel like saying ah someone hit us with this already somebody already did the sandwich thing that might disarm them and I would actually appreciate it if they were

like ah shit alright let me just grab my food sorry take care totally totally but she you could tell that I guess my gal has this a real no pun intended but she looks like a mark she looks like a fucking gotcha this just chick we can we can pull the wool over her twat in two seconds yeah I feel like I have that look too because I got I'm like hey hey look but and I I've been a mark in the past I don't know if I told this story before but years ago 20 25 years ago I was dating I think I told the story before but I was dating my high school girlfriend I was like I know how to get Red Sox tickets I know I get him up a scalper

and the scalper he could tell I was like 17 or 18 and I'm just realizing I definitely told the story but he was like I'll get you in the park I can get your tickets he's like what are you looking for and I was like I don't want anything special we just want to get in the in the ballpark which is something I had heard of someone say before like we just want to get in there and he just took us he took my money he's like give me 80 bucks whatever I gave 80 bucks and he just went to the box office and he bought tickets that were available it wasn't sold out this was like 98 or something and he just got us two tickets

and they were like half face value and then my girlfriend was like you just got fucked and I'm like no no this is good we did it and it's the worst worst feeling in the world I think that was a repeat I'm gonna kill myself I suck I'll eat my own shit but I had a thing the point is we've all been grifted at some point or another it stings man you feel like such a room you're like I'm the dweeb in the movie and they got me with the three-card money I fell for it I got I got rooked well then what happens though is it makes you rough that way now anytime someone's like hey would you like to support a child in Africa I'm

like fuck the child I hate children I hate Africa and there's people like hey my dad has cancer could you I hope he dies soon I don't want to be grifted I bought Red Sox tickets that were too expensive fuck yes fuck your dad fuck the kid with the distended belly and the flies up his ass you're not getting me again right hey everybody Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by feels CBD I love feels this stuff is great they sent it to us you know how much we like it yeah I throw it in my tea at night you can put it under your tongue whatever you do it just makes your eyes a little heavy it takes the the edge off as they say

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maybe it's similar but I was out in the city this is yesterday actually yesterday god I can't remember yes it was yesterday beautiful day here in New York it was 65 degrees sunny I was walking through Central Park and I was uptown and I saw a lady I was feeling good I was feeling grateful feeling happy feeling feeling the love and there was a lady just sitting there looking all she was on drugs or something sitting outside of bodega and she said I need help and I said I got a few bucks I'm doing well I just got I got the goods so I said hey here's a here's a buck and I gave her a dollar and then there was a lady next to her that popped out and she had like a bandana thing she looked like she was doing better she didn't look all fucked up but she said hey I need

help too and I said yeah what the hell I went in my pocket I thought I had another dollar but all I had was fives so I said ah fuck I just gave her a five she said I want some chicken and then she did say she did go directly into the chicken place which made me feel good so maybe she was getting chicken but then I felt bad because I gave her five but the really fucked up lady I only gave one yes five times so I said well I don't want to be an asshole so I gave her a five so that lady has six uh-huh then I walk about 15 feet and there's a guy and he's been watching the whole thing he's a stand there and he looks all fucked up his shoes are missing the toes like cast away and he's got a hole in his pants and it's like the drawstring is tying it together that thing

and so he said hey hey brother and I didn't even let him say anything I just pulled out another five I gave it to him I'm handing out fives like fucking daddy warbucks this is like a math problem you're doing like a this is like a SAT question so if you give one hobo a dollar and then five to the next and then another five to the original then the fucked up method guy gets five how much money you out well it was 16 I was out but I felt good I mean it lasted about 10 minutes I said hey I feel great I'm giving out money what's 15 bucks 16 bucks I spent 900 on a linden johnson bullshit that I'll never read and a fake fig signature but so I gave out 16 bucks so I feel like that buys me and one guy one guy out of the 70 000 listening was upset about my Ecuador story so

put that in your pipe and blow me which is a saying I'm trying to get started I like it I handed out 16 bucks to three people and one of them wasn't even a hobo I think it was just a lady that wanted to buy chicken and saw me as a as a mark but anyhow so I feel good I'm gonna let that carry me for about six months well that'll put you probably up over the of the grand you to try to spend now you're out you're down a large because you you bought seven books and you you housed four fucking hobos I was really upset that they didn't yes and me I was like come on we'll send a thousand dollars no one seemed pumped about it they just went all right I felt alone it I mean it's a cool thing to do and it's exciting but it does feel a little bit like are we out of ideas we can't go get ice

cream we got to try to spend a cool grand here well ice cream would have helped or contributed we had magnolia books jeans sunglasses we got up to about seven hundo I think between the three of us man that's every woman's dream to the husband going hey let's let's let's spend a hot grand today what do you think everyone I'll get shoes I'll get a nude watch and a diamond and uh you know a fucking purse I gotta say this is the most lady voice you've ever done in the episode this is a new lot of lady voice sorry I'm hung over but I'm enjoying it okay I'll break back maybe I'll do the lady boy one was Mackie to be fair I've never done lady voice in comedy I've always had to just talk with regular voice but some people can pull it off Bill Burr does it Kevin

Knox was like the greatest I think Burr got his voice from not oh really but I just never could do it but I feel like do you do it on stage ever no no I feel like it's kind of mean I don't do the gay boys either hi hello I don't do that either on the on the uh stage that's like a legal now I don't think you can I think they lock you up for that well I don't know if I told you but back in the old cellar days when I was doing it seven times a night I had there was a gay waiter at the cellar and he pulled me aside one day and was like hey I just want to tell you I appreciate that you don't do the gay voice you have a lot of gay jokes but you don't do the gay voice and that means a lot to me and then we fucked but oh wow either way I remember taking that in be like oh

god I'm so glad I didn't do the the homo voice wow gay waiter a gator Florida Gators Florida that'd be fine if the Florida Gators became like instead of the alligator they just and it was like a guy and you know yeah with like pigtails and he's got a tray of food he's a gay waiter he's a gay waiter yeah gator boots I'm gonna kill myself so uh I gotta I gotta throw this one in your uh pee hole and see if it burns just did a Cincinnati funny bone okay Liberty they call it's one of these towns it's like actually outs it's basically Whitman it's the Whitman to message to Boston Cincinnati to Liberty right yeah I kind of remember that one it's way out it's it's one of these things where you the flight is two hours then you land and the guy's like all right we'll head over to Liberty

it's gonna be about an hour you're like uh brutal half the flight anytime I'm in a car with somebody they could be the nicest person in the world I'm like what is it like five minutes away and they're like 40 and you're like fuck me I know it's just enough time to be cunty you know if it was 31 all right all right but 40 pushes it over a hump it's brutal so go up to Liberty it's one of these fake towns it's all these towns like the same it's like Chipotle uh Sephora Apple Store Uncle Lou what's that Louis that bar louis bar bar louis jason's deli that's a big one yes yes that's a big one yeah so they're all out there and it's all a bunch of shit you'll never buy there's a Haagen-Dazs and all this it's all high-end bullshit and uh so great great weekend fact

Crisals featuring we hang out we have lunch we go gay the whole thing uh but one night it's the manager's birthday and he goes we're all going out to the bar over here it's the whole staff the cooks the waiters the the management we're all getting together and you know you get that that that 22 year old and he goes whoo let's do it let's let's do some blow and get a hooker and fuck a donkey let's go all in so we go to the bar it's packed the music's blaring you can't hear shit everybody's smoking cigarettes everybody's fat it's Ohio and you get two seconds in you go what the hell are we doing here this sucks I can't even talk to you there's nowhere to sit everybody's sweaty playing pool you know you you walk this way you bump into a pool stick you walk that way

you bump into a fat chick so you're like ah what are we doing so I go how about this let's go to the hotel my hotel there's a big conference room let's buy a bunch of beer and just sit in the conference room and hang out and they all go sure that's cool so we tell one of the the manager's like hey we're gonna head out this is too loud we want to talk but we're gonna go buy some beer where should I go and he goes it's all wrapped up it's Ohio it's a pandemic everything's closed so we go ah we want some booze so he goes hang on he leaves we go to the hotel he shows up with like two cases of beer and a couple of bottles of tequila and some limes so we're like it was like the old days wow not where did he go does he own them he went to the club and stole it

oh class boy I wasn't following I'm stupid no I thought he had him at this at his house yeah that's the bet nothing better than somebody that has the booze in I remember my friend Donnie Cedar used to work at that I shouldn't there should bleep his name it because these are statute of limitations but he worked at a liquor store and I mean he would hook us up it was insane he'd have like a cardboard box full of boo like whatever he could get his hands on sham board fucking whiskey vodka everything it was the bet there's nothing better than the hookup guy yes I feel like I've never been the hookup guy my whole life I've always wanted to show up with you know Coke and heroin and a couple of Asian kids I just would love to be that guy yeah yeah I'm I'm with you it'd

be nice to be the hookup guy where you show up one time this party I was at ran out of beer so me and a couple guys left stole a keg from some other backyard we had clocked like a couple days before and had half a keg in it we stole it brought it to the party we were heroes it's a great feeling yeah everyone that's even though the beer tasted like you know elf come but it was uh it was fine and so last thing I'll say about Cincinnati you know fine town whatever Saturday night we do two shows and there's a big UFC match and this is how so nice his club is not only sorry little semen not only did they uh did they hook us up with his free booze on Friday night Saturday night big UFC fight I'm happy to be talking to the manager about he goes you know what we'll put on the big screen

and I go what because you got paper view it's eight million dollars it's a special event and I go oh my god so the whole show let out we saw everybody did the show as it was fun the whole show lets out and then he puts the big projector down it's me and like five six guys in the showroom just watching UFC with a beer feet up in the showroom of the comedy club it was magical that's a great feeling and don't you feel like you thrive in those situations is there anything better than when you're in a group setting and you just know you're gonna have some good lines yeah you're like something happens you're like buh-bye you get to be the cut up it's like you get to snipe the the event it's such a fun feeling especially when you're with you know loser

non comics like Chris Allen and the staff you know totally totally and and also you're in your own showroom like you just did an hour of your own jokes on that stage and now you're sitting on the floor being funny again it's it's a great feeling so you really own that room by the way I gotta say I already feel horrible Chris Allen is a fine comedian a fine man and terrific terrific comic of course I don't want to yeah he was killing it all weekend I think he's got an album he's recording at the Raleigh Good Nights so give that a goog hit the Raleigh site and check out his album and go see him for Christ's sake and be on some wax yeah fill it up be be that guy that everyone can hear the laugh uh I'm excited for that it's about time yeah yeah it'd be nice to retire a few of those

jokes but yeah yeah it's gonna be exciting good for him for doing stuff and putting things out and and progressing and going gay but uh yeah just so fun and it was one of those things too where my flight was at 7 a.m which means you gotta be there at 6 but they're fucking airports an hour away so you really gotta get up at 5 and uh the fight didn't end till 2 then you go back home you rub one out to your photo album and then it's 3 30 and then you fall asleep you wake up at 5 you want to kill yourself yeah that's what I'm not looking forward to any of that yeah that nightmare the the car ride and the traffic and the that pressure to go hang out with people right right morning right I'm going to Tampa this week uh tomorrow I gotta do radio on Thursday

I haven't had that feeling in so long Calta I assume Calta Calta will be nice I like doing Calta he's a good man a good person he's a funny guy good egg great egg great big egg huge massive egg big egg scrambled but I'm looking forward to that but I can't wait for the but it also at the same time is it has been long enough that I'm like I can't wait to get back to work I do miss the road I miss the feature like having lunch with the feature yes and I'm pretty excited about that in Tampa I'm staying at a nice hotel with the ocean and I'm pretty excited about that I'm gonna be doing some swimming and some shows and um yeah I do I do I do miss that part of it particularly Tampa because the crowds are so fucking nice there crowds are great that that air in Tampa feels

good it's like a good misty kind of ocean air there in Florida and I don't know something about Tampa when the sun is setting I really get all misty and and queefy I feel the same exact way it's this weird thing it's it's very sunny there and then the sun sets for like a while there and there's like that breeze and you just do and you have that 6 p.m show it's like that nice lighting plus is a Chipotle directly across the street don't be afraid to throw those gift cards around Starbucks is there yes there's a chicken place right next door that I really like too I forget the name of it but uh I'm excited there'll be some special guests there for my weekend I might add you don't want to miss that but get your tickets to that there's something the the worst part about

the road of the little steps you know I hate steps 12 steps your first steps step dad whatever it is I hate a step I'm talking about okay I'm flying the Tampa on paper that sounds fine flying the Tampa but it's actually wake up early get an Uber get in the Uber get to the airport go to security find your gate board your flight be pissed off at the fat guy next to you then land then get an Uber to the hotel then check into the hotel then unpack your bag it's like god damn these steps I want to kill myself too many steps I I realized I just have to accept this I can't fly without getting a headache at some point because it's it's that fucking you're waking up early you're never waking up when you want to wake up never never sleeping probably because you're like is it three

huh is it four right right you keep doing that thing and then I it's you know what it is it's a series of possible problem you wake up and you're like is my alarm gonna go off the alarm goes up right am I you know am I gonna get my boner to go down is the uber gonna show up on time right they're gonna be too much traffic is the security line gonna be too long is it gonna be is the flight gonna be delayed is the fucking cab the line for cabs and by the way it's Sarah and I got back from Houston this week at LaGuardia which they haven't finished in the fucking one year long pandemic they couldn't wrap that up now I think you go to the cab line there's a long there's a yellow cab line there's only two people we were in first class didn't check back so

we just walk off getting lying the cab but we don't realize now there's not 500 cabs sitting there like the old days because there's not as many people flying you know the lady there's a dispatcher has to call the cab she's like in the little booth and we sit there we just watch uber after uber ago and it's like freezing cold I didn't have a coat because I went to Texas so I didn't pack a coat and we're sitting there freezing and there's no cabs and we're at terminal C and terminal D is like back that way yeah so all the cabs are picking up all the terminal dildos and they're not picking up the terminal cunt because the dildos are getting the rides and we're watching people go by in cabs it was like 35 minutes New York is a fucking nightmare it's a nightmare and terminal dildo

is a great action movie with bruce willis but yeah that is a that's a bitch you know what else is a real coos in my cooter is the the city you land in and they go okay the uber pickup is in the parking garage on the other side of the earth and you got to go to floor b and wait in the parking garage you're like what I'm here what can't just pick up I'm on a sidewalk and I know you it's a specific pickup place for the uber in a garage a mile away oh it drives me crazy we have to go back and deal with all this shit by the way terminal dildo somebody make that movie poster for god's sakes terminal dildo terminal cunt and uh that's the sequel that's yeah terminal anal terminal do you know that uh what do you call it that alphabet alpha bravo charlie delta echo that's as far as I

can get what's it called are there more I've never heard it go past echo I don't think they do the whole alphabet I think F is fiddler yeah farts and G I don't know if they do the whole alphabet I forget what it's called though what's it called uh cookie alphabet Latin Romney alphabet alpha uh uh Greek I don't think it's Greek Roman wrestling I can't remember oh well it doesn't matter but I'm impressed that I got to echo that was like I had it in me echo yeah that's good hey hey folks today that shit hey hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by express vpn we've all been in lockdown for almost a year geez Louise and I think I've seen everything on netflix by now but with express vpn you can trick the computer into thinking you are a different

country that's exciting and you'll be able to watch just about anything in the whole gosh darn world you already know a vpn will protect your privacy online but can also take your tv watching game to the next level folks unlock movie and tv shows that are only available in other countries it works with any service in over a hundred countries netflix amazon youtube bbc you name it folks I mean how many times have people said to you hey I'm trying to watch your thing but I'm in Canada or they don't play it in Australia or in England I can't get uh porn hub to work or whatever it is now you're clean free and clear of all that no blocks no walls up anything you want to watch it's all there and tell them how fatty yes sir it's easy to use easy as pie even for a guy like me

just push one button to change your location seamless use my special link I'm going to say our special link right now express vpn dot com slash Tuesdays and you can get an extra three months for free support the show watch what you want and protect your privacy at express vpn dot com slash Tuesdays now I got one more little nugget to dip into your your wing sauce here okay I got something okay all right I'll I'll be quick here so take your time I'm on a tear of just fucking my shit up there fatty I don't know what's wrong with me but I forgot my headphones yesterday that was devastating I have to sit in the uber I'm reaching for my headphones and I'm like they're gone you're gonna go the whole weekend without your headphones and you have to just

sit with that and deal with that and it's just this shame and embarrassment and sadness washes over me and you start thinking well what if I drive back what if I get the lady to bring them over what the hell do I buy some do I steal them at the airport whatever it is so forgot the headphones you deal with it I wouldn't bought some new ones big deal whatever it's my fault but two nights ago I go out and do some shows in Brooklyn I come back I see the lady outside of our apartment and I go hey what's going on she goes I just texted you I forgot my keys and I go you fucking dumb broad classic hole over here forgetting her stuff I reach for my keys I forgot mine as well oh my god what are the odds we both forgot our keys god that's horrible what do you do

so it was about 10 50 at night so I said well maybe I'll text the super but cut to a week before I'm in the laundry room with my super and he's a nice guy where we're actually pretty chummy and he was like man I gotta tell you I got no sleep last night I was like folding my unmentionables like uh-huh you know under the chin I got panties and broad I'm like oh yeah and he's like yeah one of the guys in the building left his keys in his apartment so he texts me at fucking 11 p.m. and was like can I get the keys and I'm like look I got a kid man I get it I'm the super but this is not my job is to let you guys in when you get drunk and forget your keys and so he's telling me this I'm like oh yeah like that's reasonable and then I cut to a week later

I forget my keys and I'm texting him oh but he likes you at least so sometimes it is the person you know what I mean like true if some guy I hate some club owner that ripped me off fucks me in the ass I'm gonna say hey I don't really like Dixon my ass too much you fuck but if you fuck me in the ass I'm saying hey come on my back in between the shoulder blades and let's have a let's have some cupcakes after all right wow that that's the nice thing you've ever said to me that means a lot and I'll take it now I get that shirt off but I still feel bad but the lady's like you gotta do what are we gonna sit out here all night should we get a hotel room like all right all right so I text no answer but now it's a double whammy because I texted and didn't get an answer so I didn't get

in and I pissed him off but to each his anal so now I just start hitting buttons we get in and I should mention I went and bought a couple of beers before this I was like I want to have a few beers before bed so now I got a you know a couple of beers in my hand and we get in and we see this lady coming out and she's she's a member of the board oh boy the building board these people are no joke did I fuck it around they they've been living there since the the fucking lbj years hate a board just in general boards are terrible stiff as a board I'm bored out of my mind the whole thing stinks so she comes down and she's in a huff I think she got in a fight with her her man child or her lesbian partner whatever it is so I was like oh hey uh I forgot my keys and she was like uh-huh

and she's like but you got in and I'm like yeah yeah I'm at the key to my uh you know the other key and she was like okay and she looked at the beer and was like oh boy who's this guy what's this what's this all about and she just ran out oh my god what kind of board lady is this she had something going on she's uh I don't know she's a board room something was going on she had a thing to go I could tell she was in a hurry that's a that's a bad board I mean fuck that board chairman of the board so bill bill it's it's that weird thing we don't have your key and you're like well let's just go up to the door and look at it you know because your keys are on the other side of the door but you just have that like well let's just go up there maybe something will happen so

knock on the neighbor's door he's also part of the board but he's a nice normal guys like my age and he's like oh they just changed the keys let me go down and look I have some keys in storage hold on so he does all this stuff and now his dog's out in the hallway and his wife's in like a nighty with a candle and a hat going what's going on out here like it's 11 shut up so she chats with us and then eventually we just suck it up we go we gotta get a locksmith oh I know no hotel you didn't think I will just get a hotel we'll fucking the hotel hopefully the mirror faces the bed will come on the pillows and then the tomorrow we'll call the uh whatever you call the superintendent that doesn't sound bad I do love a hotel I love a jizz on a mirror but I had a flight in the morning

I had to pack we got a cat in there uh there's a whole there's a whole thing going on so I just wanted to get home you know I got I got a handful of beers in my in my right pocket here and I should want to get in there just the key the key is on the other side of the door on a counter it's so close it's ah it's such a tease I hate that feeling and your brain keeps trying to solve the problem it's like when you're looking for food in the house and there's no food you keep thinking like maybe yes maybe we put food did we put food accidentally you know behind the toilet or anything you're like is there a key under the mat you kind of just check you check to see if the door is unlocked and then your brain is like could we reach underneath and get in is that possible

you're thinking the fire escape with the window you go through everything your brain starts going like that I even pulled the credit card out like an 80s movie and I tried to shimmy the lock jam even though I don't even know what I'm doing I'm just doing that shit and you start picturing it working you're picturing that door fly open but it never does so eventually we call the locksmith he's like I'll be there in 30 minutes so I go all right so we sit in the lobby we just start pounding those beers me and the lady and then he shows up now I'm expecting John Goodman with a butt crack and a beer gut and a bald spot this guy was smoking hot he had a man bun he was sexy had like a little mustache and his hair pulled back and he was so gentle with the door and he was

so sexy about it and uh I gave the guy 200 bucks and it was it was it was worth it that's interesting because I think I've said it before the most grateful I ever was in my life is I wanted to hang all these posters and artwork up in my house but I don't know what I'm doing I have a screw gun or a nail gun or a level or any of those things and so I called like a handyman and I was so glad my wife wasn't home because he was like dreamy he was like perfectly brown latina with like bright blue eyes you know how we love we love black hair blue eyes I assume ladies love brown skin blue eyes sure as he was all like tattoo it was like a deep dreamy eye that looks like there's a filter on it yeah it was all muscular and his shirt was too small and his belt was like it just wasn't level

it was kind of sagging to one side and and when he lifted his arm his like middrift was exposed and it was all hard and firm and light brown and I mean I really wanted to just suck his dick and use his screwdriver on my own asshole and I thought it flat either way I mean I like Philip sounds like a man sure sure he'll drill you so I was just so glad my wife was Nick because I wanted to suck his dick to get like I wanted to watch I want to be like yeah you you blow him and you know I'll hang these pictures yeah he's got he's got the key to my heart this locksmith but yeah same thing he was fun and cool and then when the cat the door opened the cat goes like rubbed up against him and he was like petting the cat all gently and everything and the guy was cool as a

cucumber and just he was just it was like a what's that guy's name Antonio Banderas ah yes very good yes so we got in and we both jerked off to that guy and went to bed wow that's nice well good to good that it uh it all's well that ends well and then you see those keys you're like mad at them you just want to fucking throw them against the wall you like you fucks it's their fault so true and your brain is such a cum guzzler that I just put I picked up the keys I just put in my pocket even though I'm in my house I put in my keys in my pocket right that's the brain for you well I'm glad you made it in I got one quick thing I know we got to wrap up here and I texted you about this one but this was just so so fun and oh boy I'm gonna leave out details because I don't want it to be

you know controversial here I don't want to I don't want to cause a stir but uh I'm in the you know we got upgraded to first class I do a lot of flying we're flying from Houston to oh yeah LaGuardia and so you know you're in first class you feel better than everybody it's a nice feeling you get on first and and I really do just judge everyone that's sitting back there these fucking idiots oh yeah we're sitting there and then it's pretty quiet flight and a gentleman sits directly across from us and everybody has their own row unless you're in a pair which we were I'm in the aisle this guy takes the window seat and he looks a little he's scraggly he just got you know dirty sweatpants on and his shirt's got a hole in it and you know his his hair is everywhere

he just looks like a like a scraggle muffin isn't that when I your brain will fix that though your mind will go well he's probably one of these rich guys who doesn't give a fuck yeah it's like he must be in the arts or something yes yes so he sits over there and immediately he's watching videos full volume he must have left his air buds in fucking Mackie's car because I just hear like and it's not like he's watching you know uh bridges of Madison county it's like you get the fucking right it's like what like like tick tock it's all changing all right and i'm elbow and sarah go look at this fucking idiot he's just no headphones in first class you're just blasting usually first class you don't have people playing videos out loud yeah

we're sitting there and then I just hear uh excuse me sir what's your name and uh he kind of like mumbles it like a stanza and she's like yeah you're 16b you're not supposed to be up here and you have that moment of like aha I knew no one in first class is watching movies without headphones totally so then he they kick him out he goes back to 16b and I just thought if you're gonna be sneaking into first class don't you think you'd be conspicuous what what what is this guy an idiot like is he think he's gonna get away with that just I'll just sit anywhere it's a pandemic or is it his first time flying like oh I want to sit here inconspicuous which one's the good one one inconspicuous means not doing that right yeah it's conspicuous even a word inconspicuous means

uh low keep lay low right yes yes yeah I said conspicuous so he was conspicuous which sounds like an old philosopher doesn't it conspicuous oh yeah some asian guy with a weird beard and a ponytail but anyway so he was conspicuous they kick him out and then he gets replaced by a guy that looks like showered clean version of him like a guy comes in with like a suit jacket nice pants and all quaffed up but they look kind of similar and this guy sits down and I'm like well that's more like it it was like a comedy sketch it was like a movie it was it was crazy how over the top this one guy was he gets kicked out and then like a new guy comes in he's like hello ho ho ho right well I I hate to be a queef but I think that it's so telling like if you're the guy who's

willing to play videos at full volume on a flight maybe that's the reason why you're not that successful could be not that you know I'm not crazy successful I'm getting upgraded but uh I hear what you mean I see what you're saying I mean certainly sorry I was playing with a magnet and I dropped it but who I got these little magnets that came with my desk and they're fun to fuck around with I love a magnet isn't it fun I try to put it on either side of my dick to see if anything happens but nothing does oh you could straighten it um I got a pretty straight dick my balls are gay but uh any who so that was that was that and uh I don't know that's how that story ends I'm gay now well that all's well that anal's well and uh yeah sounds like it was a

hella good flight we got a lot of backlash about hella helicopter yes so uh hell of the ball ah geez all right but hey you're gonna be in Tampa yeah this weekend I'm in Tampa March 18th through the 20th Thursday through Sunday I got a bunch of dates coming up oh I gotta tell you folks I had to move Kansas City I'm not I'm not there April 8th through the 10th anymore my apologies I had something come up but I will be there June 24th through the 26th also I said helium because I got the email this is what happened I got an email saying helium offer and it was two offers in one so there is no helium in Kansas City I wanted to amend that it's it's comedy club of Kansas City I made a mistake I'm a bad person but uh in June I'll be in Des Moines big Midwest run Des

Moines funny bone June 10 through 12 Kansas City 24 through 26 May I'm in Austin May 15th it's a theater so for God's sakes get tickets that's part of Moontower comics at Mohegan's son finally making up that date May 20th through the 22nd Omaha funny bone April 23rd to the 24th Bridgeport Connecticut April 3rd and check out Joe and Ron on Talk Movies we had a big special guest Louis CK was on the show he came on we talked Stanley Kubrick that was exciting so go check that out and I also want to plug mindful metal jacket like I'm getting all these authors and cool people it's no comics are out I got all these Buddhists and authors on that are really smart and wise so check those out and follow me on YouTube or whatever you do on YouTube

subscribe whatever bullshit there you go must be nice having these authors and smart people because uh they're not just zinging and zagging the whole time well and they fill up the conversation which is nice I can't talk for an hour with anybody that's not you you know what I mean yeah yeah you and I we flow we kiss we fuck you come on my shoulder blades for the second time in this episode but you know I taught any other person and it speaks to our friendship our love your brain your cock your asshole because any other person in the world uh one-on-one I'm like 12 minutes in I'm dying I feel like Costanza like with the notes make calling a lady it's brutal so same same I can't say queef I got nothing else to say I have to censor myself it's it's

terrifying I've said it before in an interview I'm like yeah whatever I'll kill myself and they're like why do you want to kill yourself I'm like I don't have something to say fuck off blow your dad and they're like your dad you want to blow your dad that's why I'm like shut up I don't say I'm like I'm hungover I'm gay they're like would you just come out I'm like no I'm just saying I'm gay why would you say you're gay you get no maybe you are gay maybe I am yeah so it's tough but these authors they're good because you say something they they they talk for a while but there's a lot of good stuff on there so check those out and I don't know yes good times let the good times uh jizz and tell your family to go fuck themselves and get on the patreon tell a friend

tuesdays we love you you're out in every city and come out and see us and we'll hug and hopefully we get out of this pandem get the vaccine don't go gay yet and praise Allah wait you didn't say your dates where are your dates oh geez good point good point uh thank you i'm in lexington kentucky at comedy off broadway this weekend i've never been i'm excited then i'm at the columbus funny bone one of the best funny bones have you asked me then i'm in austin at the paramount theater i think it's the same one as you wise guys again i feel like about wise guys every 10 minutes and i love that city i love that club i love those jews to coma comedy club mugubi's jokehouse uh laugh boston heartford funny bone spokane virginia beach funny bone

and uh portland oregon in june so we got a ton of dates the world is opening life is coming back to normal and it's gonna be a hard adjustment but push through folks