Tuesdays with Stories! - #393 Gaiter Later

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

This eps chock full o' nuts as Joe's pilot fakes him out with a joke before he's harassed by an old man while Mark realizes he needs an assistant before a sketch shoots ends tragically. Check it out! Check out our new merch here! Shirts, stickers, phone cases, mugs, you name it! https://www.teepublic.com/user/tuesday-s-with-stories Sponsored by: My Bookie (mybookie.ag code: tuesdays), Sheath Underwear (sheathunderwear.com code: tuesgays), Gabi Insurance (gabi.com/tuesdays), & Blue Chew (bluechew.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show A WEEK EARLY, bonus eps, and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays

Hey everybody, this week's episode of Tuesdays with Stories, it brought to you by My Bookie. March is here, and that can only mean one thing. Well, it didn't mean anything last year because there was no tournament. But the tournament is back. You all know how tournament crazy I am. I never missed the Big East tournament. I love every minute of the NCAA tournament. I can never miss it. Last two years ago, I got to do a little play-by-play. Remember that? We were watching the Duke game. That's right. People love your play-by-play. We were in Vegas. It's all I ever wanted to be, gay by gay. But I love the tournament, and I love to gamble. You know me. I'm a gambler. I got all kinds of STDs.

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Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. It's 6.04 p.m. Daylight savings time. Don't you feel alive? I'm Joe List. That's Mark Norman.

Mark, don't you feel alive with the daylight savings bonus? Savings bond, whatever it is. It's a kick in the cunt at first, because you're like, I lose an hour. That's my life, goddammit. Give it back. You know, especially me, I'm flying from Tejas last week, so you lose the hour coming to New York, and then an hour because of Ben Franklin's come guzzling ass, because he invented it, fun fact.

And... But now we get more light, and I'm cooling down, and I'm back. It's nice. You're walking around at 7 p.m. the daylight. It's a sign of the time. We're coming back. I mean, there's vaccines up. Everyone's ass. I'm at the cell the other night. Every single fucking waiter, waitress, and dickhole is vaccinated. The sun is out longer, and it's just a happy time.

I think we're really on our way. And then I listen to some sad, depressing podcast. He's like, this isn't the beginning of the end. It's only the end of the beginning. But he was like, it'll all be over in 2024. What? But listen, when people say that, when people say that, though, no, I got good news for you.

That's bad news from a scientist. Here's good news from a fucking Aries. Lay it on me. Aries beers. When they talk about it's all over, it'll be over in 2024, they're talking packed international flights, no masks, Woodstock 48. You know what I mean? The economy being back, the restaurants, all that bullshit.

We just need a little back. That's all we need is a little. I'd like to go to Woodstock 96 or whatever it is. I don't know. I want to get back at a concert. I want to blow Billy Joel and go to fish and smell my fingers. Well, you're going to be able to go to a concert. It's just like, when they talk about the back,

they mean nobody dying. Some people are going to die, but they're old assholes that live in wherever the fuck Canada or some bullshit. We're not going to die. We're going to be fine. And who really cares about anyone other than you, me, and the people on the Patreon, really? Good point, good point.

But if all the Patreons die, then we're going back to Starbucks for an application. So I'd like to have a couple of Jews around just to fill some seats and maybe get a hand job or some point. But yeah, we don't need the old fogies. Well, I'm being sarcastic, of course. But I think the most of the death is behind us. Some of these restaurants, they'll

try to rebuild and everything. So spick and span, perfect, A number one. Easy there. All right, we'll bleep half of it. But I can't say span. I'm just saying. I think. Warren Spahn, fuck.

But we're going to be back soon. And a lot of people, I'm in Florida right now, by the way. You talk about back, forget it. All right, there's something about Florida. I mean, right when that plane lands, the sun hits your face. You grab a MAGA hat. You go, it is Mr. Potato Head.

Blow me. What do you think of this? Can I throw this at you? Because this really bothered me. You know, I get bothered easy. I'm a big cunt. My father's gay. My mother hit me with a shoe.

And my sister's got chapped lips. But I'm. Yeah, you got that right. Get on the plane. And I was texting you. And first of all, you know, I'm like, I think I got nothing. I ran out of Ecuador stories. I'm like, scanning through Ecuador photos,

being like, is this something? No, that's just a hot dog I ate. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, you're looking for some fodder, some fodder. Harry Potter. Squeeze something. I'm like, I think that was a dream. That's not anything.

But right. The last two weeks, I feel like I laid an egg because I got nothing. I'm just sitting around jerking off to, you know, my edit there. But I'm saying, kids, I was texting you. I'm like, I think I got nothing. But you know, I'm traveling this weekend. I'm at side splitters doing 1,100 shows.

And you're like, I bet you'll get something on the trip. Yes. I get on the plane. We're sitting there, exit row, everything, packed flight. Tell them about the airport, by the way. That hay ride is kaput. Well, it's all over, folks. The airport, line around the corner.

There's 40 people in line. It's over. You missed your chance to enjoy some line free traveling. We had a good run there, Faddy. It was nice for a minute. But anyways, get through. Couple of young girls watching videos out loud, no headphones, which I think we're

going to have to just accept that's the way life is now. Yeah, well, I hate to sound like capitalist commie cunt. But when the prices go back up in the airlines, I think it'll weed out some of the riffraff, if you know what I mean. Well, but nowadays, though, it's not even riffraff. I see fucking guys in business suits and Rolex watches watching Lifestyle the Rich and Famous on their tab, full volume.

Well, I don't know why they're watching that old show. But yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe people just are less considerate than they used to be. I think they're less considerate. I don't want to sound like a boomer asias in here. But I just feel like people don't give a fuck. You see people brazenly do it. Yes, yes.

Well, it's my world, and you're just living in it. Dick Cheese, everybody's got their own profile, their own Insta, their own channel, their own anal, their own dildo, and it ain't double-sided. That thing is for me and me only. Because he's my butler. So I get on the plane, and I just get stressed. And we had some issues, so I'm staying in a different hotel.

I'm in this massive hotel. What is this? I can say it now because the shows have already passed. But Louis CK is coming down. He's doing some guest spots. He's working some stuff out. And then he's doing some surprise shows on his own, Sunday and Monday, which is funny,

because as I'm telling you, it hasn't happened yet. But as people are hearing it, it's in the past. Yeah, that is kooky, the weird podcast time travel. Very strange. And I could be dead. Who knows? Who decorated this place? Designing women?

Look at this weird headboard you got back here. I don't know what's going on. It's all Florida. I mean, Florida, it's all pink and turquoise. I don't know who decided on it. I think some menopausal clues. But yeah, it's a kooky pattern you got cooking there. I think I had a trapper keeper with that on it.

Stinks. I like that velcro. I like that sound. That was big. Yeah. All day I would just be doing it. The lady would hate me with the pigtails, but I like her. Now the girl in front of me soon.

Gotcha, gotcha. I didn't know how old she was. They're all women now. Girl is like, you might as well say the n-word. You can't say girl. Girl is bad. Girl scout cookie. Do I gotta say n-word scout cookie?

It's woman scout cookie, I think. They haven't got around to it. Or maybe it's too many letters. They don't have much money. I don't know what's going on, but if you say girl in reference to anyone over 11, I mean, forget about it. You better duck and cover. Damn, okay, good to know, good to know.

Well, my girlfriend's 10, so I got one more year. Any poops, so I'm in this giant hotel. We're wearing like a suite. We're all in one hotel. It's like, it's a three bedroom suite. It's like nine grand a night and we got here first. He's doing guest sets and he's buying. It's crazy.

So there's a deck out here, like a patio and Sarah found a speaker, like a fucking wireless speaker under the chair. Well, those are fun. Cause I think who the fuck's getting the three bedroom apartment at the hotel? Nobody. No, no.

You got a pill, they call it a pill. Yes, it's a pill. It's a pill, birth control. Nobody's been in here since like the 80s cocaine run of the 80s. Easily. So we're up here, you know, all fucking each other in the ass, but I don't even know why I brought that up.

Oh, cause the visual, I think. Yes. We're on YouTube, subscribed to the YouTube. You get it a week early on the Patreon, one of the many benefits. You got that right. So we get on the plane, that's what I was saying. I was all stressed because I don't know how to get the car.

He's coming in a day later and is the car in my name, is the hotel in his name, what the fuck. So it's a whole scramble. I'm stressed out and I'm just losing my shit cause I'm trying to rent a car. It's spring break weekend at St. Paddy's Day. And his assistant says, oh, the car is booked. It's not booked.

Everything's going crazy. We finally get on the plane. You know how stressful it is to board. Sure. We get on and the pilot, he comes on and he says, folks, I got some bad news and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we got a little issue up here. Uh-oh.

The temperature is 25 degrees and what's that? Oh, oh, that's Celsius. It's 80 and everyone burst out laughing and clapping. But I'm enraged cause I thought I was so mad that I was like, oh my God, we're fucked. It's going to be a delay. I hate that kind of humor. I hate it.

I hate the fake, the person out so they get upset. Trick them humor. Do you hate that humor? Well, it's not the greatest. It's a bit of a bait and switch, but at least it was a quickie. Sometimes they let you go a week. You know, you go, hey, Bill's got cancer.

And you go, get the fuck out of here. You start buying Rosaries and crosses and you book a funeral home. And then a week goes by and they go, ah, we were joking whether you're a dickless, you're an idiot. Like, I'm an idiot. I'm, you said he had cancer.

Yeah, I agree. The quickness was nice, but even for a second, I'm doing breathing exercises. I'm like, I can only control what I can control. We'll be a little late. There's no show. It's no big deal. And the payoff is just like, it's warm.

And then it's compounded by the fact that everyone's like, oh, he's something. And I yelled out, I'm such an asshole, I'm a cunt. I went, he's a riot. And I thought that was funny. And people were like nodding. It was very, I just was like the only one that seemed enraged, but I hate it.

I remember Jeff Singer calling. He's a booker of new faces and just laughs and go in. We got some bad news this year. You're going to Montreal. And I'm like, fuck you, you son of an onion. Just give me the good news. Well, shouldn't the good news be so good that it outweighs the queef?

I guess, but it's, I just, here's the thing. It's, I think we've talked about this before because Ari Shafir, I had to like yell at him because he does this thing, that humor that it's only funny for you. Right, right, right, right. You know, we're queefing, we're saying crazy things, but we assume there's a few thousand people

listening and laughing, the humor that like, oh, you were having fun, but I was afraid of, you made me bummed. Right, right, yeah. Yeah, good point. I don't mind a quickie. I'll get, I'll level with you. I don't mind a quickie.

You know, you go, oh, they were out of candy. You know, and the kids goes, ah, but, but the prolonged, I'm not into. I don't even think you know your own self. You're a guy like me, if the phone rings, you go, oh my God, fucking true. Sam's calling, oh my God, he must be mad, he heard a podcast, whatever.

I mean, we can't even handle a phone call, let alone I got bad news. Right, yeah, bad news is a bad start. I got bad news, that I'm with you, I'm with you, but if he would've done a quickie, hey, boy, the weather is in Florida, it's 25, I'm kidding, it's 80. I'd be okay with that.

Maybe that, but the bad news from a pilot, it feels like, I guess we've also been through the ringer where you're on the runway for nine days. Yes, good point, good point. Yeah, I don't mind an instant race, but yeah, don't give me a delay. So yeah, that is a kooky one. I'm with you.

The example I had before, like Ari will come to your house and he just puts his finger on the, like this. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And you're like, what are you doing? And he's like, yeah, it's funny, I'm fucking with you. I'm like, I guess it's funny for you, but to me, I'm like, I'm going into a homicidal rage inside. That's not fun for me.

Yeah, that's a scene in a movie where you go, oh, that's the guy we're not supposed to like is the annoying guy with the buzzer. Right, that's the pilot. I just like humor that's for all the people involved. Granted, we're saying things that some people would find appalling, but they don't have to listen. The pilot made me listen.

Right, yeah, this podcast isn't going to get you to Florida, you know, like this guy's got you trapped in an air sealed tube and he gets to do all the dumb zingers he wants because you're stuck there. This podcast might make us work in Florida exclusively at some point in our career. Hey, could be worse, out of the Cuba. Anyway, so I did get a little story out of the whole thing.

And so now I'm down here at the, some, I forget the name of it, some crazy name, San Pedro or Julia Caesar, something Caesar, Sam Caesar, something like that. Sam Caesar. All right, it's a horrible salad. It's a massive hotel and it's all pink. It's historic.

We're on the gulf. It's pretty wild. Wow. So you got a beach view? Well, we have a outside view. Like a, no, we don't know. The short answer is no, but you can kind of see it. There's a huge porch, the bigger than your house that you can see the gulf.

We're on the backside though. Aha. Boy, the gulf is so much more bummer than beach. You know, out of the ocean, the gulf, the beach, the ocean is like, all right, but then you hear the gulf. You're like, eh, that's true, but it looks identical. You can't tell the difference visually, but the word gulf is bad.

What is a, what's the difference? I know one is a sport with a ball and a tee, but what is the, what is a gulf to a beach? Well, the gulf is smaller. It's an in thing. That's the gulf of Mexico. Yeah, I mean, the ocean is vast, huge. The gulf is, it's gulf, gulfy.

All right, all right, Gary Gulfman. It's not big enough to be an ocean. This is a lake. I think a gulf maybe opens to the ocean. That, that's something. I think that's something. Cause would that just be a beach? Bay is closed.

Well, the beach is the beach. It's a beach. You can have a beach on a lake. I mean, Lake Shore Drive has a beach. Good point. The Great Lakes have beaches. I think you can have a river beach if you had to. That's just where it's sandy.

Sandy hook. Yeah, I think I've seen a river beach. Yeah, they've got that. Yeah, I think I've got river beaches, gulf beach, lake beach, probably a pond beach. That's probably the worst beach. Life's a beach. Yeah, I don't care for a pond.

People talk about ponds. I'm like, get out of here. Pond stinks and it's full of scum, first of all, but it's, it's all these, what do you call that shit with the foliage and the, the greenery? You know, you slip and you got it. Lily pads? What is it?

Lily pad? Well, yeah, it's all that. Lily pads and weird wacky leaves under you and a roughage. Yeah, I think of the leeches and stand by me. That's what I think of. He's gonna leech on his dick. Yeah, yeah, give me a lake any day. Give me a rope swing with a little deck

and a little paddle boat and a beer. Now, where are you on this? And maybe we've touched on this, but are you, when I come to a resort, they got two pools here, but I am not getting in a pool. I got the gulf. I'm getting in the fucking ocean. I'm an ocean guy, ocean over pool for me.

I hear you. I'm with you. It's almost a weird slap in the face to the ocean. Like, hey, I got the mouth of the beautiful blue seas here and you gotta build a pool, you lazy twat. I think we talked about this before. You don't have the shark thing, but the ocean heals. You can heal in the ocean,

but you can get eaten by a shark or an eel. It heals and eels. That's part of it though. That's all part of the show. It's like, you wanna go to Times Square and live it up, but you could get stabbed. You could get pickpocketed. I know, but it's the city, baby.

We're living. That's right. You're a big fish in a small pond and this here's the ocean and you're drowning. Yes, the pool is the burbs. Yes, that's right. They're the fucking, they don't have the guts to get in the mix.

Yes, yes. Give me some chum, give me a shark cage and a white claw and I'm gonna go out there and scuba. White, what's it called? Oh, great white, great white claw. That's something. Oh, that's not bad. Could have been something if I pulled it out, but.

Yeah. Anywho, now off air. I said, I got a couple of things. You said you got a bunch of things. So I mean, we're already 75 minutes into this. Hit me with a couple of things here because I'm out of stuff and that's what I had. I had this guy, this pilot fucking with me.

Well, let me bend your queer here because we're kind of touching on flights and anals and white flight and whatever it is. So flight or fancy. So I'm in Texas last week. By the way, I'm in the week it opened. So they just opened the doors. Wow.

So it just happened to be, I just got lucky and I was there the week it over. Some would say unlucky. I felt like it was lucky. They're like, hey, governor took the mask mandate. He said the business is 100% and you're here for it. So they just opened the doors and it flooded because everybody's like, we're going out.

Maybe the governor said so. Wow. First of all, I mean, flood and door. I think Texas, I think the double door, the bar doors, what are those called? Saloon. The saloon doors and then flood. I just think Texas floods, Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Flooding down in Texas and all the telephone lines are down. Yeah. He's good. He's good. Plus they just got rid of the snow and the grid and the ice caps and the melting and the global warming, whatever it is down there. So they're ready to party.

Oh hell yeah. No, that stuff was a week and they're all crying about it. I was down there. They're like, look at all our plants are dead. We got to rebuy the grass and I'm like, I'm from New England. I'm like, yeah, everything dies. It's winter.

It's cyclical. It's fucking cowboy. Yeah, yeah. So it was a wild time to be in Texas and we lived it up. Had a couple of cool cats open for me, a Zayed and Andrew Youngblood. And boy, we just had a, we did it up. I got, we got drunk every night.

It was like, it was like the 80s again. And just had a great time. Then of course, Saturday night rolls around and you want to party, but you go, I'm losing an hour and my flight's at seven. So now your flight's really at six. So now you really gotta get up at five and we go drinking and you lose an hour coming to New York.

So we go drinking all night. Can't say no, live it up, pound and shots, whatever it is. I can't stop taking shots. It's such, it's just this little cup of jizz. And I go, why not? What's that little thing gonna do? And then before you know it, you're blowing a guy in the urinal.

So I get like 50 minutes of sleep. Maybe I just lay down, close the eyes, and the alarm goes, I get up, I get to the airport and I got there too early. And I see, now I'm on a Delta flight, going to Atlanta, Atlanta to Newark. And I go, boy, that goddamn, I just want to go to bed. That goddamn layover is gonna kick me right in the taint.

So I see, I got there early, now boarding Delta to LaGuardia direct. Ooh. But it's like boarding is done in four minutes or whatever. So I go, hey, I'm on a Delta flight. Anyway, can I just jump on this one? She goes, we have plenty of seats available, but check with that red coat over there.

Have you heard this, the red coats? Yeah, the Brits. I mean, I heard about Paul Revere. That's what I thought. I was like, we're calling people red coats now. This is an American airline, goddammit. So I go to this heavy set woman of color and she's behind the glass and she's eating a hoagie.

And I go, hey, hey, Fatty, I got a ticket to Newark, but it's at eight 30 or whatever. This one's leaving now. Oh, can I get on it? She goes, ah, it's a basic, you're fucked. And I go, what? There's basic, there's main, and there's Jews. Delta comfort.

Comfort, that's it. So I go, well, what's the difference? They got seats available, just throw me on the goddamn flight. And she goes, I can't, I can't kill yourself. I hate white people, whatever it was. So I go, ah, so I call, I call Delta. And they go, oh yeah, we can change that, no problem.

And I go, great. And he goes, just gonna take me a second so you hear the, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch. And you go, what are you typing? What are you doing? The great American novel? I'm trying to get on a flight.

How about, it's three clicks. They're always typing. It feels like it should be clicks. It should always be just button, like iPads. I think they put you on hold and their hold is. Oh! That's a good idea. That's a bit.

That's great. That could be a good idea. A hold that just sounds like. That's genius. That's pretty good. Don't put the Fleetwood back on, just the, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch. There's some typists out there, get royalties.

Those are his keys, he's tickling. So, he puts me on, so now I got the one lady, she must have been Native American. She's behind this desk. The red coat cunt is over there. And I'm talking, and she's with me. She's like, hey, whatever, I'm new here, I'm fat, I got a kid, he's blind, I don't know what to do.

And I go, well the guy on the phone's saying do it, so it might as well start printing that ticket there, sister, and she's like, well, I just gotta hear it from him. So I hand the phone over and she's like, all I hear is typing. I'm like, he's coming, he's coming. And then the red coat comes over and goes, well, four minutes are up and closes the door right in front of me.

What? So I didn't make it. Oh, God, I thought this was going the other direction. So did I. Now here's the clinker. I should have just called first. I'm not talking to Paul Revere over there. I should have just called.

But he was getting through. It's interesting because usually the go to the desk is the better move. The call's no good. And sometimes when you call, they even say, just go to the desk. I can't be diddly for you. Fuck it, motherfuckers.

She wanted to say no. And just, you had to watch that door close. I'm like, I'm right here. This seat's open. You've already told me that. What's the goddamn difference? But it's all that red tape and red coat and red sea. Word.

Here's what you're going to need, Otis Redding. Here's what you're going to need is red, the guy from Shawshank, Morgan Freeman's character. Just red. Red. Oh, I think his name is Ellis Boyd, Red Redding. Oh, it's supposed to be Irish in the book. That's right.

That was fun. Here's what you're going to need. You might not want to hear this. Maybe the people don't want to hear this. This is going to be a big step. You're going to throw egg and cum in my face. Shit on my chest. I can take it.

You're doing very well. You're very successful. Pod's doing well. The special's doing well. The YouTube's doing well. Maybe you've got to wait. Maybe you sell one more special. You're going to need an assistant.

You need an assistant. You're an assistant guy now because every story, the whole crowd's going, what the fuck? You're flying indirect. No one to call. You're calling this guy. And I'm telling you this because I'm dealing with Louie's assistant.

She's doing everything. I don't do shit. I go, hey, so what do we do? She's like, hold on. She's scrambling. I can hear her. She's the, I can hear two phones. She's talking to me and him.

And then they just send you the thing. They go, here's the thing, the boobly boops and the bippity bips. And every time I talk to you, you're taking a train when you should be taking a car. You take a car when you should take a train. You're missing every flight. You're in middle seats, for God's sakes.

I don't even know where you are. You're flying skippy peanut butter airlines. You need a team. You need somebody. You need a, maybe you got a girlfriend over there. Maybe she could work for you. That might get tricky. But you need somebody to call.

And then you throw them 8%, I don't know what an assistant makes, but you could get an assistant. That's not bad. I've thought about it, but I don't know what to pay. Then I feel like I'm ripping them off, and it's an Asian chick, and she's kind of cute. Then you get weird there, and then you make a COVID joke, and now I'm a racist.

I don't know what to do. Now, you've got to pull the Costanza. You've got to get the fat, ugly assistant. You've got to get like an 800-pound whale with fucking pubes that come out of her jeans. That's good, a pube in the jean. I like that. Get somebody like that, but somebody, she's nice.

She's good. And you go, hey, Bethany, my flight's crazy. And then they do all the scrambling. You just sit there with your feet up. Hey, that's pretty good. Well, call in if you know of an assistant, or an ass, or something, because yeah, I'm tripping over my own cock here, and I'm all over the road.

And I heard your voice in my head, though, because the guy on the phone was like, it'll be $40 change fee. And I said, all right, I'll take that. I can deal with that to get home two hours earlier with no layover. I'll do $40, but it was still too late. But this is the thing is, they do all that.

They do the cost analysis. They figure out, and they give you the option. And they go, if you take a cab, it's going to be boop-boop-boop. I'm telling you, I work with Louie's assistant sometimes. I'm like, this is a, what's that thing? God send? Blissful something. Blessing.

It's very nice. Nice. Nice. That's good. All right, well, I wonder if she's available, but I'm sure he's paying her $60 grand a day. She's full time. Yeah, you got to get like, I think she's got tenure,

or whatever, because she's been there forever. You've got to get a low level. You've got to get a starting, you know what I mean? You've got to get the, what's that call when you first start the apprentice? Apprentice, sure. Yeah, that's a terrific show. Whatever happened to that guy?

Be a good leader, I think. But you're probably going to have cars crashing into each other trying to get to your house right now to help you. I bet there's a Tuesday out there that'll help you, but that might be too close for comfort or whatever you say. Too close to delta comfort. Yeah, you might have something there. I don't know, I need a, yeah, I need a,

maybe I'll find a nerd on Craigslist, somebody who's autistic and has a, you know, Excel spreadsheet cooking. All right, I'm on it. I like this idea. Gomez has an assistant. Well, that's got to be, something's up there. I mean, that's got to be an intern

or something to get college credits or they get free, you know, boxing lessons or something. Yeah, maybe, maybe. An assistant is something, but what's ironic is you need an assistant to find the assistant. Ah, boy. Yeah, so true. You're right.

You're on tonight. I think it's the hotel. Yeah, it's got you. It's that line you did earlier. So yeah, those all nighters though, Faddy. I'm telling you, I know we gotta hit an ad, but those all nighters, I mean, we're old. They, they hurt you for a month.

Oh, I mean, I had to get out when I was 30, when the getting was good. I mean, I was losing full days of my life and especially with the flights. I can't imagine the flights with the hangover. Oh, nightmare, no sleep. Then you land at home and your lady's like, you're home.

Let's go apple picking and swastika shopping or whatever it is. You're like, what are you kidding? I'm going to bed. You crazy coos. I don't know where you buy a swastika, but they're, they're hard to come by these days. All right.

I was in Poland. They had them at the, like the war store. War, war store, that was weird. Hey folks, Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Gabby Insurance. That's right. We're all looking for ways to save money, am I right? Especially now.

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Get on it folks and get a hard on. Let me toss this one at ya, cause this is another way. Well I just had a, just a cunty day. I'm willing to admit when I'm being a cunt, but sometimes you're hangry, you know. Aha, yes Snickers. A lot of the fly were on this flight, the car, the hotel, he's coming this day, that day,

there's no MC, blah blah blah. A lot of that stress and travel. So we get to the airport, Tampa airport, which I realize I've spent like six weeks of my life in Tampa. I've been working here for 15 years. I featured here for like five years, or more than that, Jesus, more like 10 years. But I've spent tons of time here.

I mean, so much time, I open for DiPallo here every year, and that's a whole other bag of tits, but. Yeah. So we get to the Tampa airport, and a lot of these places we haven't been now in two years, because we lost a year. Sure. So it feels like home,

but then I wasn't sure where we're getting the car. I said all that, so we're standing there in the airport, Sarah and I, and I'm waiting to hear from the assistant, and I'm like, all right, we'll just hang here. We're halfway between the car. If we're taking a car, a lift, that's right over there. And if we're picking up a car to rent,

that's right over there. So we'll stand in between, and we'll just wait to hear what get the news. Okay. We'll stand there, we're looking at our phone, killing time, and this old, fat, geezer, white old man in a cane, the cane with the four claws on the bottom, you know that like.

Stroke cane. A stroke cane, hey, I never heard that. All right, well he's got a stroke cane, and he's got the American flag, gator, you know the gator, not the mask, but that's like that little like, does nothing kind of. Bandana. It's like a silky bandana thing.

Yes. The stars and stripes, a lot of people are gonna hate me on this one, but he's fat, and he's walking all old and stupid, and he's got the gator, and it's like over his lips, but not his nose, but who gives a fuck, whatever, there's no one around. And he goes, hey, what do you guys need advice?

You need to know where to go? Does that thing, I went, no, I'm good. He goes, are you sure you're standing in a weird spot here? You look pretty lost to me. I go, nope, all set. I'm just already in a cunty mood. I hate these people, mind your own business. It's America, isn't that your thing?

You got the red, white, and blue. You're an old guy, America, leave me alone. I'm fucking standing here. I know where I'm standing. It's not crowded, by the way. If you're thinking, oh, you're probably in the way. There's nobody around. It's just us and this fucking egg timer.

And he goes, hey, yeah, well, sometimes you just look lost and then he's walking. Is he trying to get you a service or is he just trying to help you? He's just an asshole in the airport. He doesn't work there. He's not a red coat, he's not anything. He's just a guy who's, I don't know what he was doing

because then when we finally got where we were going, I saw him standing across the way. So I don't know if he has a layover or what his deal is. And I'm sure some people are going, you're an asshole, he's being nice, but I hate that I'm standing here. I'm just standing here looking at my phone. Oh, you look lost to me.

And I went, well, you look great. And then, you know, Sarah's grabbing my arm being like, how do you know? I just hated his dumb, shitty attitude. As I'm saying it, I was probably a cunt. I was angry, I was lonely, I was tired, but I hate this thing, like, hey, you lost. I'm like, no, fuck off.

I'm just sitting here. What do I gotta do? I gotta, what does he want me to do? I'm standing off to the side, by the way. Yeah, I don't know. This sounds like more for him. Like, all right, let me help this guy. He's lost.

I got it. I'm the man of the house. I know what's what. I'm the alpha. I think he was mansplaining. I'm the victim of mansplaining. That's what I think. There you go.

There you go. Yeah, I get, I don't, I'm with you. I get a lot of the weird Middle Eastern guy, like, you need a car? You need a car? And I'm like, well, I got Uber. He's like, fuck Uber, are they rape? They rape, are you in a car?

I'm like, I don't know. Like, what are you charging? They're telling me information. I don't know who you are, how much you're charging. I don't like that guy, but he's trying to make a buck. He's hustling. I don't get that guy. This guy had no hustle.

He's just an asshole in the airport trying to tell me what's what. And I guess it triggered that thing as I'm like, I know what I'm doing. Like, you turn into your father. Like, I don't need directions. And I didn't. I get it.

I'm like, I'm standing here and I'm calculated. I'm halfway between each place I might have to go. I'm waiting to get the word from, you know, the assistant. So fuck off, you son of a bitch. Ha, ha, ha, here, here. Yeah, well, he basically pegged you, which you don't mind, but he pegged you as a, you know,

hey, this guy's a dweeb and he needs a hand. Yes, exactly. Thank you. You're a good friend. I appreciate it. Cause some people are going to go, hey, fuck you. He's an old man. He's trying to help.

But no, he pegged me as a dweeb, which is my number one search on porn, but not from this fucking strokey cany asshole. Oh yeah. And he had a stroke cane. Well, what do you know? I can get anywhere. I'm going way quicker than you.

That's what I did. I went on a rant after he left. I'm like, you're 52, because he wasn't old old. He was like, in his 50, I'm like, you're 52 years old. You got a fat stomach and a dumb stroke cane cause you're a piece of shit. Well, I'm going to take advice from you. You have fucking ass all you stink.

Yeah. And then even if you got advice from him, it would just be this long bullshit rant that you already know about. Like, well, what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to get on a rideshare app called Uber. You got to sign on. You're like, I know all this shit. Get out of here.

That's what he was. He was a what you're going to want to do guy. Yes. Yes. I want to go over here, Gator. Later. I want to fucking kick your cane out from underneath you. And then, you know, stick my dick in your eyeballs. Yeah. No, I get it.

I'm with you. I'm with you. And then you kind of feel like they don't, they don't, they won't leave you alone. You're like, I got it. Now quit hovering. Yes, exactly. He just wanted to swoop and feel good. And I hate to swoop and feel good.

Yeah. Now, let me throw this in your belly button and see if it echoes. Do you? I don't, I got the vaccine first shot. I don't know where you're at with that. Plead the fifth. All right. So I got the vaccine first shot.

Now, I'm going to unpack a lot of baloney here. Sure. I'm doing the, first of all, I'm doing this sketch for these, these guys approached me with a sketch idea for a video. And it was a really funny idea. I said, let's do it, baby. I'm in. Okay.

And they're like, it's going to take all day. It's going to be a lot of work. It's going to be a whole thing. And I said, well, let's map it out and really do it, organize and, and, and make it classy, you know, classy. So they sent me this long thing and it's about me as a doorman, Mark Dorman.

Okay. That's clever. Yeah. I like it. You got Mark Norman, you got Roof Norman, you got a Gay Norman, whatever it is. So now I'm Mark Dorman. So they went out and rented this full suit with the tails and the piping and the blazer

and the hat, you know, the little choo-choo. And yeah, you saw the, the outfit. That's right. Yeah. I didn't even notice it at first. I was just talking to you and I was like, wait, what is this? Yeah. So we started shooting at like 11. It was a whole thing, but I got a vaccine appointment at 10 a.m.

So I had to go in the doorman outfit and wait in line with the rest of the general pop and then go straight to the shoot. Okay. So I'm down in the financial district by these, boy, these government buildings are so sad and cold and gray. There's no windows and they, they haven't been

pressure washed since Reagan and they're just miserable. And it's a bunch of like people, but you know, you got to go through the metal detector and nobody speaks English and it's a whole thing. So the lighting is dim. I don't know, just dingy in there. It's a bummer. I got married in one of them.

It's probably the same building. You walk in, you're like, Jesus, this is my life. It's all sad. Exactly. Even the lady's like, yeah, just sign here and you'll be married. All right, take it easy. Right, right. There's a bad mojo in there.

Yes, no good. No good. So you go in. Okay, getting that line, sir. I'm in the full regalia and you know, it's me. It looks like the village people. It's me, a construction worker, a guy in all leather, an Indian and a cop.

So we're all waiting in line and you know, all right, now you guys signing on this iPad then go to that line. Now you go to the third floor. Now you wait in another line. It's just line, line, line. The whole thing took two and a half hours. Not for me.

All right. Easy. It took two and a half hour. Okay, so I mean, are people shoving you around and saying over here, go over here or what's going on? Is it just kind of that lingering? It doesn't feel like you know what's going on. Well, it was one of those things where there was,

I think there was too many people. So it got to be like, oh, now we gotta really regulate this and split these people up or it's gonna be a real cattle call just in the lobby of this building. So I finally get up to the one lady who interviews you and she's like, how old are you? You got your ID? What do you like sexually?

All this, how many partners? And she goes, so what qualifies you to get the vaccine? Cause you gotta have a thing, cancer or AIDS or whatever it is. So I had all this, I had a game plan of saying asthma. That was gonna be my lie. Okay. Can't really check that.

Sure. So I go, well, she didn't have an X-ray or even a Z-ray. I got nothing, but yeah, so I go, well, if you don't, if you must know, and she goes, oh, you're a doorman, you're good. And I go, yeah, she totally bought it. I didn't have to say it. So I got shot.

That's what we're at here in the government vaccination. Well, Sarah has a bitch. She tweeted it. That's making me laugh so hard. That's such a funny idea of like, what are you guys, what are you guys going as? Like they walk in and like, I'm a waiter with asthma. Hey, I'm a pirate with the, you know, missing foot.

I mean, it really is funny. The idea of everyone trying to get vaccines and be like, cause I thought like, couldn't you stuff pillows under your shirt and go in and be like, my BMI is 78. Cause fat shaming is so sensitive now. They can't be like, hold on, that's a pillow. You can be like, you know, you're shaming me, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, apparently a couple of dames got popped in Florida for dressing like old hags and they got busted. But that's too risky. You got the golden girls wig on with a stroke cane and a cardigan. That's too easy to spot. I heard about that. But isn't it one of those crimes that you're like,

that's hilarious. Come on, get out of here, your knuckleheads. Here's a shot for having fun. Take it home. You got to administer yourself, but you take it home. Well, here's the thing that people don't, in New York, there's tons and tons of shots available. There's this guy at TurboVax.

He's just blasting out all these appointments that become available. And he put out 2,500 appointments one day. Wow. So there's like tons of acts that the Javits is doing 24 hours a day. And so there's a lot in New York, but I think there's scarce other places.

Well, I don't get it. We're gonna bundle. And look, the old people either got vaccinated or they were killed by Cuomo. So like, I feel like they're handled, right? We don't have to worry about them. I think there's some crazy percentage. Like, Derek was telling me 80% of people over 65

in Washington, the state of Washington, have gotten the vaccine. I think New York, it's like 75. America is like finally leading. We're finally kicking at. Like, Europe has come into pieces. I was reading, because they wanted all 28 countries or 100 countries, whatever,

however many countries in the EU these days. They wanted them all to be on the same page and they wanted to negotiate a cheaper price and yada, yada. But America, Israel, Britain, we're fucking kicking ass, so. Finally, well, we got so much obesity that we got the fucking VACs first.

Yeah, and I think that's one of the reasons we have the most death. Yeah, I heard Poland is going back to locking down Italy's on fire, apparently. Well, Poland, I was reading all, I mean, I don't know much about anything, but I've read recently. I don't wanna get too into this news thing,

but Poland, evidently like 40% of the people were like, would take the vaccine, they got high skeptical, skepticism numbers there for whatever reason. I didn't know there were black people over there, but either way, so I'm in back in line, I get the vaccine, I was scared of the needle, but it was pretty good, it was quick, wasn't bad at all. Yeah, I think it's quick and easy, it's just a little bloop

and then you gotta sore our arm or ass all, however they administer it and then you feel a little sleepy and then you're back in business. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty great and I don't know how your people are, but every lady I had was super chipper and nice and I did the whole like, thank you for what you're doing, you're doing the Lord's work and the whole thing.

So that was fun to do. Yeah, I mean, I had some friends that got it and they all said it was really nice and a wonderful process and beautiful. So, I can't wait for mine. Yeah, you gotta have a good time. All right, now. It's gonna be awesome.

Here's the clinker though. Oh, oh what? Oh, clink it, clink it. Oh, you got another thing? We got one more. We gotta talk about some favorite pairs of underwear, but clink the son of a bitch first. All right, all right, all right, all right.

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I was saying, I was saying, give it the, what is it called again? The clinker and then we can read sheath. Ah, well, I got, I scudmissled you. We teased the clink, but this is a heavy saga. With the doorman. So I'm going to try to push through. So it was just a tough shoot

because you got to be outside holding doors for people. That's the joke is I'm holding doors for a 7-Eleven or a dog park or whatever it is. So it's, it's a funny idea, but it was freezing that day. It started snowing out of the blue. I'm in the, I'm in the, just the suit with the white gloves. And we got that. We got the heat warmer or the hand warmers in the gloves.

I'm freezing, trembling, opening a door for people, but I don't want to give in there, Fatty. Sure. So we pushed through the whole things outdoors. You can't go inside barely in New York. And it was just a tough slog of a shoot. And also the other thing is when it's cold like that and a pandemic, no one's walking around.

The whole thing is interaction. Right. I noticed particularly that day, which I think was yesterday or Monday. Yeah, I think it was yesterday. We were out in Astoria, Sarah and I in the afternoon and we thought, this is weird. I don't know if people went back to work or if they're just like,

ah, I don't want to go back so they're hiding under the blankets or what, but it was very quiet and strange that day. So I hear you. I agree. Agreed. So it was a tough, tough push. And you know, this is a nine hour shoot with a lunch break. Then we went to do,

I don't want to give away the whole thing, but it was fun and we did the whole thing. It was great. We got a lot of good stuff. I think it was just a hard, hard shoot. Now here's the tough part. The end of the day, I got Jason Kanner's show, it's 13 step, one of the good shows right now.

It's in the back of a bar, killer show. I show up and I say, hey, it'll be funny to get some footage of me on stage as a doorman doing some bits. So they go, great, we find a parking spot, we park the car, we walk to 13 step, two blocks, and then I go, oh, I'm wearing the doorman outfit. So I left my wallet and shit in the car.

So. My wallet's gone. Yeah, so ironically the doorman there said, oh, you're on the show, you're good. So I was like, oh, great, okay. We go in the showroom, talking to Cantor, how you doing, thanks for having me. These guys are with me, they're filming. And then they go, oh, we forgot a lens.

So the guy goes back out to the car, phone rings two minutes later, car got broken into, my window shattered, they took everything. What? What? East Village at nine o'clock at night on a Tuesday? Nine o'clock at night on a Tuesday

on East 11th Street, right off Second Avenue, got a great spot, the bar's on 10th or whatever, 10th Street, we got a spot on 11th. We were in the bar for five minutes and I was about to go back to get my ID. So I would have caught the guy. Oh my God, the city has changed. I mean, this is terrifying.

And I've been down there in the neighborhood, your neighborhood, and things have gotten spicy down there. I mean, it's graffiti everywhere and it's dark and cardboard boxes. And my God, I mean, I've parked there that night. I was parked right down the street on the west side. Oh, well there you go, yeah. So here's what I think.

I think a bunch of ne'er-do-wells, so let's get out of the car and we got a bunch of camera equipment. I'm dressed to the nines in a suit and tails. I look like the Monopoly man. So they go, there's our mark, no pun intended. And they hit it right away, got in, got out. We found a couple of disheveled things on the sidewalk

that they just strew about. And they got my wallet, they got my jeans, they got my sweater, my jacket, gone. Oh my God, the wallet's gone. I mean, that is brutal. Brutal man. Look, I'm this guy now. Oh, I hate the passport guy.

He's always sucking up with the passport guy. Now, have you gotten the new passport with the ID thing? I wish, this is old school, I got this in the 40s. Cause there's a new thing now that has like, your passport has the, careful showing that, flashing that thing around. People, the dark web will zip that, they'll own your social security, whatever.

Good point. That's what someone sent me, with that girl from the bus. Oh, that's brutal. So what'd you have in there? Did you cancel your cards and everything, I assume? It was, it sucks because it was this long hall of a day, we got it all done, we're freezing. You know, your back hurts, your feet hurt

from the shitty black shoes. You do this show, I had to do a set with just that wallet gone. And plus, I'm such a cum guzzler, I'm triggered by theft. Ironically, I steal a lot from stores, but I'm triggered from like burglary. So I saw that broken glass, I saw the shit missing, I saw it strewn all over the, the sidewalk.

And it just, it brings a little kid out of me cause I got robbed so much as a kid. And it just, God, it hits me in the, in the cum guzzlers. And so I said, I'm gonna do a lap and look for the guy and maybe I can find my, maybe threw my wallet out with the ID in it. I just want, take the cash, I just want the ID. I want the credit cards, I want the Yankee ticket,

shit, the movie stubs, whatever else a sentimental horseshit I got in there. I see a cop half a block down. And I go, hey man, he's sitting in his car texting. And I go, hey man, our car got broken into, he goes, whew, call 911. I'm like, well you're here, aren't you 911? He's like, yeah, you gotta report it

and you get a, I can't do anything. This is like the Delta, he's a red coat. He's a red coat, he's a blue coat, he's a turnt coat. So I go, literally half a block up, car got broken into, he's like, yeah, and he rolls the window up. Oh, yeah. So I just walked around, maybe I'll see the bag. We ended up finding one bag, he took a couple backpacks

full of shit, we found one of them and it was just a bag. So they got the goods, I don't know who was it, a guy, two guys, a lady, a midget, whatever it was, we're fucked. So it's just that long, cold day and that's the button on it, you know? Brutal, maybe some of the businesses

have the cameras though. I mean, there's cameras everywhere these days. We found a decent camera, so I guess we'll go to the building and just say, can we see the tape? We got raped on 11th Street, will that help? My ass is bleeding. So, just a bummer and I went out today, my whole day I had the day off, so I was like,

day off, gonna live it up, do some shit. A whole day I had to buy new jeans, which sucks, new jeans, they don't feel right. Yeah, bless you. I got the sneeze. Oh, no way, do you just say you have to sneeze, you don't have to sneeze anymore. Oh, that's a nice little trick, a life hack, as they call it.

Yeah, that's pretty good. But yeah, so I went to Levi's, bought new jeans and that was humiliating, because you gotta get naked in front of the guy and then I went to the bank and got, they don't give out temporary cards anymore and that's the cunty thing about the bank. They go, ah, your wallet got stolen, you wanna cancel this, let me see your ID.

And you go, it's in the wallet. Yeah, it's like that novel, catch 22. Yes, yes, catch the 22 year old kid and yeah, so I'm passport guy, I'm getting new shit mailed to me, I'm out of, I had a nice leather wallet, that's gone, the whole thing's a real kick in the dick hole. It's brutal, I feel sorry for you, that sucks and I feel sorry for those guys too,

plus they got the deal at the window, they gotta get a new window and shit. That's a bummer, but I think the video will be great and so there'll be some solace there and just remember, everything's impermanent, this feeling will pass and the story will be nice and you'll get an all nice love from the gays and all that stuff, but yeah, that sucks

and it just sucks that people, I guess it sucks that they need that, I mean, if we're putting positive spins, they gotta do crime to make money and it's all very unfortunate, but you just wish they'd get caught or they wouldn't do that or whatever, it's a kick in the dick, but it'll pass, it all passes.

It's all things, it's all objects and you just wanna tell the criminals out there, take the money, please, have at it, take the cash, take the cards even, just leave the wallet itself, my back pocket feels naked and quefy and it's not right. That's how I felt when our car got broken into and it's just like, just leave my notebook

and I have my notebook cause there's some bits in there, take my fucking Bruin sweater and my tube socks. You know what the punishment should be for stealing a wallet is you gotta go to the DMV, if we catch the guy, you go to the DMV, you wait it out, you get the ID. That's good, that could be a video, a sketch. You know, he's going, yeah, hey, Martin,

you're not Mark Norman, no, but I stole his shit, so I don't know, something maybe. That's something there, yeah, I like that, it feels like street justice, good for the goose, good for the gander. You know what I was thinking about the other day? It's funny that you bring this up because that, wow, this is interesting because that day,

while that was happening probably, I left the cell, I saw you at the cellar and I left with Andy Fiori and Sarah, I went to my car that was parked, I don't know, half a mile from your car or that car. And while we were having this conversation, I was saying, because all these homeless people were asking for money, there's tons of homeless people

down there and none of us had any cash and I was like, sometimes I think I'm like here, just take a debit card and have at it for like an hour. Would this work? Could you do this idea? Could you hand a homeless person your debit card and you go, you got one hour, right? Then when you're done after the hour,

rip up the card and throw it in a sewer. Then I call the bank and go, hey, my car got stolen and it's all this fraudulent shit. They, the bank pays you back because it's fraudulent. The homeless guy, he's got his stuff. Is that something? Is that a way to help a homeless person? The bank, the bank's gonna give you the money.

Fuck them, they have the money. That's lunch, baby, but here's the problem, is can you trust the guy to rip it up and throw it in the river? Well, the other thing is, can you trust, like if they get them on camera and then they see them or whatever, they might fucking beat the fuck out of them and throw them in prison.

I mean, that's a bit of a gamble. I'm sure they would sign up for that. I mean, if they signed up, that's on them. You could say, yeah, this is gonna be a gamble, but take this, there's fucking several thousand dollars on it, go as crazy as you want for an hour. Then I'm calling it fraudulent. Yeah.

Take precaution or whatever, that could be something. I love it. I love, I think it could be a hell of a web series. So this guy's going to REI, buys a fucking tent, you know, in a winter coat, that's great. Now some folks at home might be thinking, you could just go buy that stuff to them and give it to them, but then there's no risk and it's not fraud.

Right. But it was just something I was thinking about because I think that all the time, I'm like, I wanna help people, but you got no cash sometimes. So you're like, I can't swipe them. He doesn't have an Apple Pay, whatever the fuck. I love it, this is gold, baby.

And it's on him, you're doing a nice thing, everybody wins, I mean, he could get caught and tased and vlogged on the street, but I think you got something here. Yeah, maybe I'll try it, we'll see. I just don't, you can't trust him to rip it up. Well, either way, I'm gonna call it in fraudulent, so it'll get shut down.

I mean, he doesn't have to rip it up really, I guess, he could keep it. I love it, it's genius. But once I call it in fraudulent, they shut it down, yada yada. Here's the name of the show. You got one hour. That's fun.

I like that. Did I tell you about, maybe I already said this, James Patterson, my comedian friend, he had an idea for a show, him and Dave Walsh, because they were arguing about the book Into the Wild, and they were like, the guy was close to towns. He's like, a good show would be, drop me, this is James's idea, drop me where they found

the guy from Into the Wild, and I have to get laid within 48 hours. Not get home, get laid. So he's gotta find a town, all the outdoor stuff, and he has to have the game to get somebody to fuck him. That's a show. That's a show, but I mean, the odds of pulling that out,

first of all, you gotta find a lady in the woods, and secondly- Well, you gotta get out of the woods to a town. Ah, wow. I mean, can you get a hooker? Ooh, that's interesting. I don't think you can, because then it's just a, that's just a wood show.

Now you're just a woodsman with a 20. But what's the hooker situation up in Bumble Tit, Alaska? That's what I'm- Not bad, considering it's just grisly and married chicks. Well, I think he has to have, here's the thing, he has to have what Christopher McCandless had, which was nothing. He's got, he gets a rifle, a book, and a compass.

He doesn't get any money, so he'd have to, you know, shoot her. I guess you could fuck the corpse, but yeah, that's very interesting. I like it. You gotta get in a town, but those, I mean, the clock's ticking and you meet Bertha, the toothless wanderer, you gotta make it happen. It's a double show,

because you have the outdoorsy, he's gotta make a fire and use the stars to figure out where he's going. Right. And in addition, once he figures out where he's going, he's gotta go into the log store and get this chick to blow him. That would suck if you got the BJ,

because you're like, oh, I was so close, but hey, I got blown. It's bittersweet. It's something. I like it. That's a good time. But here's the conclusion to wrap up the whole debacle. The phone, I lost a month ago.

Remember that whole thing? I bitching and moaning over the phone. I left it in the cab or the Uber. The phone was worse than the wallet. I bet, yeah. Because the phone, the wallet is all on the phone. The phone has a thing called a wallet on it. Right.

But you can't use a wallet like a phone. Interesting, there's a bit. You think? I think so. You pull the wallet out. I can't go, hey, mom, send more money. I lost my wallet or my phone. Wait, yeah.

Right. Yeah, and the wallet kind of, it's like a flip-flop almost. Oh yeah, definitely. I used to always, when I had a wallet that flipped open, I used to always pretend I was a cop. I'd flip it open and go, hey, your mother's asshole. I did that too.

Yeah, it's fun to do. Like Dick Tracy or Dragnet or. Yeah. I even had my mom make a little badge out of construction paper. So I was that dweeb at summer camp going, hey, your tits are too big. You're under arrest.

Oh God, I was talking about doing this a few years ago. Oh, jeez, I was like four. Okay, should I throw one more thing at you here that happened real quick? Lay it on me, Faddy. Because it's similar. I just realized that I looked at my notes. I got two old white guy with cane stories.

And this is a quick one. I was at Shake Shack over by, not far from the seller. I think it's on Varic Street or whatever. Yes, Varic and Houston-y. And I'm sitting there eating and then there's an old asshole next to me and he's got a cane.

He's sitting there with tiny shorts. He's a little bit fat. And there's a little nerdy white kid comes over and goes, sir, well, if you're gonna sit inside, dine in, we need your phone number here for COVID tracing. And the guy takes his cane and he's like, you better get the fuck out of my face or I'm gonna hit you with this cane.

I mean it. Jesus. And he's like, whoa, well, I don't know about that. I just, the kid's wearing a hair net, literally. And he has a hair net. And he's like, well, I just, we need to do this for COVID testing. And then there was a tall black woman

who's the sweetest lady I've ever met in my life. And she was like kind of busting tables and getting to go waters ready. And she came over and she's like, sir, what's the problem? He's like, I'm gonna beat this guy with my cane. He doesn't get away from me. And she was like, sir, we can't have you threatening the customers.

And she's like, are you dining in? And he's like, what dining in? He's like, look at my bag. I'm waiting for my food. If I'm waiting for my food, you know, I'm not dining in. And she was like, okay, sir, I don't, I guess he got like half his order

and he was waiting for the second half. But he was just like an old, curmudgeon-y piece of shit. He was like, George's guy in Seinfeld when they take care of the old people. Right. Just a shithead. And she was like, all right, sir,

well, we're gonna get your food. Don't worry about him. Please don't threaten us. And she handled it so well. And he's like, thank you, I appreciate that. And he was such an old, crusty piece of shit. But this lady was so patient and sweet. I went over, I said, you're a good person.

I wanted to fight that guy. She's like, I wanted to fight him too, but you know, what can you do? People are like that. And she was so sweet. And then on my way out, I said to the young whippersnapper, I said, sorry about my dad.

And it just bombed. He was like, your dad? What? And I was like, I was like, my dad, I'm saying the guy. And he was like, ah, I don't know. And I had to just walk out with my asshole between my legs.

Yeah, which is where it goes, I guess. But boy. I think that that's a good line. Fuck that kid. He's no wonder he's wearing a hair net. I tried to fuck him, but he said no to that too. But he's missing out on a lot of things. This kid.

But God bless that lady. But yeah, that old curmudgeony guy. And I'm like, maybe that'll be me someday. I'll be like, get the fuck out of here. He was like, Cain, because it feels like I'm heading that way. Well, maybe the way you feel about the gator guy is the way he feels about that twerpy kid with the pimples.

I suppose, I guess he was just tired of people taking his number, whatever. I mean, he was just a curmudgeony old guy. Probably shits his pants and whatever. Yeah. Well, it's funny to say that about the nice lady, because I was, my gal showed me this video of a, you know these conservative guys who go around

and go like, prove me wrong on this or whatever. Like, why, there's two genders, blow me or whatever. And they have to like talk to these college kids and they always fuck up. I guess. Oh, that's a big thing on YouTube. So this guy's like, hey, there's two genders, prove me wrong.

And this lady sits down and she's a trans woman. And she's like, well, I'm trans. And he's like, yeah, but you were born a man. They go back and forth. And it was civilized and patient. And she made some good points. Then he made some good points. And then she made an interesting point that he,

and they went back and I was like, this is what it's supposed to be like. Public discourse and discussion. It's not that difficult. Yeah, nice conversation is nice. And, you know, I don't wanna piss on your tits, but even that could just not be not online, you know? I mean, it could just be a nice conversation

at the bus stop or, you know, whatever. Everybody's online. I know, but I'm glad it was. Cause it shows people like, hey, look what it could be. And I had like 12 million views and the comments were like, there you go, talking, discussing. It's not that hard. We don't have to jump down each other's asshole about every disagreement.

I agree, yeah, it's too much. And I have to avoid all of it. Cause it just makes me cuckoo for cucko puffs. Yeah, yeah, it's sad and scary. It's a strange time where like a fat joke will drive people up the wall. They want to kill you, but then they'll just ruin your life other ways.

And then bitch online and that makes people sad. It's like, it's weird that this is this fat joke or retard joke is the be all end all for you. But then you'll, I don't know, get a guy's job taken away or whatever it is. It's all very strange. And I think we all gotta keep our eyes on our own penis and just, you know, donate some money if you can

and be kind and rewind before you send your tapes back. Here, here, yes. Queef it up, tell a friend, go to hell, blow your mom. And yeah, don't put marshmallows on a yam, folks. I don't know what that means, but hey, I got some dates. And Royersford tomorrow, tomorrow night, March 24th, back in Royersford, PA.

I got some funny comics coming. Special guests will be there. That's gonna be fun. He's got an assistant. So come out on March 24th, Wednesday, come to that gig. And then April 3rd, Bridgeport, Connecticut. And, oh, we're doing a gig together. March 28th, Long Island, baby.

Oh! Yeah, with our pal, Ryan Reese. I don't know, he's supposed to send me the link. I don't have the link, but we'll post it somewhere, somewhere it is, March 28th. Some of these things, folks, we're idiots. Just Google, list Norman, March 28th, Long Island. I think it's Long Beach.

That sounds right, sure. Yeah, it's a restaurant in Long Beach at the Seafood Joint. I can't think of the name. It's like Hook and Anal, or Hooknose, or something. All right, we'll be at Hook and Anal, March 28th. Captain Hook. And then April 23rd, 24th, Omaha, Nebraska, May 15th. That's the big one, Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas.

And go to my YouTube, subscribe, and be nice to Ron on, for God's sakes. He's a wonderful comedian. Yes, yeah, he's a very sensitive heave there. So try to be nice, he's trying, folks. I'm at the Columbus Funny Bone this weekend with Fat Chris Al. He's got an album coming out soon, so give that a goog as well at the Raleigh.

Good nights. I mean, why is guys in Utah? Back again, I feel like I'm there every week. I love that club, I love that town. Tacoma Comedy Club, Magubis Jocals in Baltimore. Hartford Funny Bone, that's gonna hurt. Spokane, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, Portland, Oregon. Now we're into the summer.

Syracuse, ooh, that's gonna sting. Toledo Funny Bone, that one ain't easy. Houston Improv, I didn't know they had one. Feeelie Helium, I love that club. And Helium Buffalo, so I'm also at Souljoles in April, so let's do it up, let's tell a friend, let's make love to each other, not war. And we'll see you in Warsaw.

Yeah, praise Allah. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. We're mostly watching the music die. Please believe that we've got you.